#my extended family varies

[faeriefully]

Are your family christian?

Yes! I grew up in a reformed Christin household :)

[vaugarde]

One thing about my worldbuilding that isn't really important, I just think it's cute: the Pokemon anime is a TV show within the main gameverse and it's meant to educate kids about certain Pokemon while telling it's own story that's very, very, verrry loosely based on Red's journey.

[kaoharu]

i feel like the worlds most popular everyone wants me to stay over LOL

[tiny-tokunaga]

My SIL took a picture of me holding my niece where she's looking up at me with the BIGGEST grin, and just looks so happy to be with me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since it happened. LIKE... She's not only comfortable with me, but she gets excited to be with me now??? How am I supposed to NOT cry everytime I think of it???

I don't feel comfortable sharing the picture (even though bro and SIL don't mind), but just picture the cutest baby ever and you've got the gist of it LOL

[angelsdean]

sorry just thinking abt that stupid as fuck addition i responded to again and like it's just so funny bc i am italian and spanish and argentinian and US american. (with bits of french and portugese and dutch) like. does this person really have such a homogeneous ethnic and cultural background that they think it's impossible and ludicrous to identify with multiple cultures ??? WHACK !!

[crowns-of-violets-and-roses]

I think this is probably an accurate summation of American cultural Christianity - I'm not American but it matches what I have observed of them - but I am not sure that approach is actually more typical globally.

The description given for cultural Christianity often doesn't even hold for Christians who don't believe in God outside America.

To give a personal example I have an aunt who identifies as Catholic, she goes to mass frequently, has opinions on what priests give good sermons, etcetera. Someone asked her at a recently family gathering if she believed God existed and she said that she didn't. Nobody considered this particularly surprising.

By any reasonable definition the identity and communal elements identified as distinguishing between cultural Christianity/Shinto-Buddhism and secular Judaism in the replies apply to her. As for doctrine she takes Catholic doctrine about as seriously as the Catholics I know who believe in God do (i.e. not very seriously at all).

None of this is that unusual for Catholics here. Lots of them don't believe the supernatural claims but still identify as Catholic and may still have the communal elements of church going and so on as a important part of their life.

Anyway, I don't have stats or anything but I'm somewhat skeptical that the Cultural Christian style of how non-believers relate to religion that is common in America is dominant globally.

A lot of atheists, mostly those with a family history of Christianity, celebrate Christmas and Easter and engage in other Christian-derived cultural practices, without believing in Christian doctrine or identifying as Christian. A lot of atheists, mostly those with a family history of Shinto-Buddhism, celebrate Oshōgatsu and go to shrines and engage in other Shinto-Buddhist practices without believing in Shinto cosmology or Buddhist doctrine or identifying as Shinto or Buddhist. These two situations are not exactly analogous, due to the different relationship between belief and religious identity in the West and in Japan, but they are roughly analogous.

A very different phenomenon is secular Judaism, where people may be atheist in belief but do in fact identify as Jewish, and, very often, make holding to certain elements of Jewish practice a significant part of that identity. This is far less analogous to the above two situations.

For many people, the idea of being "culturally Jewish" was their first conscious exposure to the concept that people can engage in religious practices without endorsing the given religion's (usual) cosmological and ethical precepts. I think often, these people wrongly extrapolate that cultural Judaism is a type-case for this phenomenon, when in fact I think it's something of an outlier. That is to say: insofar as "cultural religiousity" is a coherent concept, you will not reason coherently about it if you assume that cultural Christianity and cultural Shinto-Buddhism work in much the same way as secular Judaism. They simply don't, and a large proportion of the bad arguments I see on this topic have as their central error the assumption that this is the case.

[plutoasteroids]

PAC - How Will Your FS' Siblings Feel About You

This is a general reading so take what resonates and leave what doesn't. Especially because not everyone's FS has siblings so if you aren't drawn to a pile that could be why or there are just no messages for you in this reading.

THIS READING IS ALLEGEDLY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY CHOICES MADE IN RELATION TO MY READINGS!

Pile 1 is the picture of Alexa Demie in sunglasses

Pile 2 is the Black and White picture

Pile 3 the picture with Fairy wings

Pile 4 The picture with her holding a knif3

PILE 1

Okay I do feel like your FS' siblings may be unsure of you at first because you might be someone completely different from their usual type for example you could be of a different race or background that they aren't used to so they may feel a bit sceptical about you especially at the very early stages of them getting to know you. Regardless of a tough first impression I feel like most of their siblings will eventually like you but there is one sibling that will hate your guts and the reasons could vary from person to person but overall it's just this vibe of them feeling like you aren't good enough for their sibling (your fs) and to be honest I don't think that specific sibling will ever like you there is a lot of deep-rooted jealousy and insecurity that you trigger in them without you knowing but anyways it won't affect your marriage/ relationship with your fs or the rest of their family. For the actually nice siblings of your fs, I feel like you will all have a lot of fun together going on adventures and trips and just enjoying life. At some point which will be pretty early on they might even start seeing you as their sibling and it will feel like things aren't complete if you aren't there too (sooo sweet). To be honest I feel you will have a specific one of your fs sibling that you will be super super close with just the connection is flowy and fun, it will feel like you guys are life long best friends. Don't worry about the one hater they genuinely won't matter, it will be annoying but it won't matter. Your fs family will be on your side and your fs side so they will immediately shut down the bs every time they act out of line.

PILE 2

Okayyyy so you guys are my controversial pile lmfaooo. So, upon first impression your fs' siblings will definitely find you confident, sexy alluring, badass and just glamorous. You take care of yourself and dress well and they can see that some more than others. I feel like you won't necessarily have a friendly relationship with your fs' siblings it will be more civil than anything especially because I feel like you won't see them much, so you won't get the chance to build a deeper relationship with them. I also feel like you have your fs wrapped around your little finger and they do notice this it's honestly obvious to everyone that your fs worships the actual ground you walk on but anywayssss. To the controversial bit I do feel like your fs will have a sibling that will have a bit of a crush on you but its nothing more than an innocent crush and it won't develop into anything more and I do feel like it will be something that will be joked about for a long time. My pile 2 I feel like you will be marrying into money. So overall this will be a very civil relationship with them no hate, no jealousy, you just get along with them well especially on the few ocassions that you do and will see them.

PILE 3

Okay, they will view you as pretty innocent. They may be the type to make overtly inappropriate jokes and you may not react to them, or you will seem confused making you innocent in their eyes. I feel like your fs' siblings are more on the loud, fun, obnoxious side and you aren't like that so to them they will view you as quite shy and reserved because you aren't acting as loud and carefree as they are. I feel like you are the type to use logic and be more observant in situations involving people which will extend to them feeling like you are quite cold towards them which isn't the caseagain because oyu are more of an observer than someone who will engage inw hatever they are doing. They may not necessarily like you nor will they ahte you because you will still be quite polite it's just that you won't engage in their version of fun which may make them see you as stuck up and a bit boring. Overall, the relationship here feels a bit rough round the edges but it will get better with time as you all learn each other they will understand that it's just how you are and there is no bad blood between all of you.

PILE 4

This pile is not afraid to get down and dirty. You are outspoken, confident and the no bullshit type. You may like things direct and straight to the point which might honestly catch people off guard and in this case your fs' siblings. I feel like they may have grown up in a setting where you have to always be polite or pick your words carefully, but you aren't like that which might come as a shock and will take a lot of getting used to on their end. I feel like there is equal learning, you learning to be more sensitive because not everyone takes being overly direct well ad them learning that you mean well but you are just very open and outspoken. I feel like overall though they will like you and you will get along quite well with them it will just take some getting used to each other. I wouldn't say you will be the best of friends, but you will certainly get along well with each other, and you will make good memories together. They will learn to let loose, and you will have wild, childlike fun...eventually.

[say-hi-intrepid-heroes]

i just gotta say, dimension 20 has truly tackled so many issues, traumas, lgbtq+ stuff, mental health stuff, family shit, etc etc

but it's truly so difficult to cover the topic of extended su*cidal ideations when you're playing a dnd character. the mechanics just make it really difficult, either because role playing-wise it sucks to have one person who tries to die every battle, or because most people won't try to improve their adventuring stuff if they're at that mental health point. moments can be done, but extended character stuff is just so tricky to do in dnd.

and brennan just did it so well. as someone who has dealt with this stuff at varying degrees over my life, his stuff with Tula tore my heart out. not just in the worst of it, but in the healing, in the finding peace, in the finding a way to want to live because you WANT to not because you HAVE to.

i just think he did a really good job and deserves to be appreciated.

[aphroditelovesu]

Winter Solstice | Yan!HOTD

❝ 🐉 — lady l: Merry Christmas, my dear readers! I wish you a great day and a prosperous New Year! I hope you enjoy this Christmas special with our yandere family from HOTD! Good reading, forgive me for any mistakes and once again, have a great holiday to you ❤️🎄.

❝warnings: yandere themes, mention of death and obsessive and possessive behavior.

❝🐉word count: 1,941.

A long, long time ago, when the Earth was young and the days were short, people looked up to the sky with wonder and awe. They watched the Sun rise and fall over the horizon, its heat bringing life to the earth and its dark nights bringing a deep sleep to the world.

In the ancient realm of the seasons, each cycle marked the eternal dance between light and dark. As winter approached, a whisper spread through nature. Leaves fell from the trees, animals sought shelter and the nights extended, enveloping the world in a blanket of darkness and cold.

It was the time of the Winter Solstice, a magical moment when the Earth seemed suspended between extremes. People gathered around campfires, telling stories of times gone by, sharing warmth and hope amid the impending darkness.

On the eve of the longest night of the year, eyes turned to the sky, waiting for the miracle. Slowly, the Sun began its journey towards the horizon, fighting the darkness with its golden light. The stars twinkled above, bearing witness to the celestial spectacle.

And then, in the most sublime moment, the Sun began to rise, rising majestically into the sky. The colors of dawn painted the landscape, and people celebrated the rebirth of the Sun, knowing that light and warmth would return to the world. It was a symbol of renewal, hope and the continuous cycle of life.

On the Winter Solstice, people came together to celebrate the courage of the light that faces the darkness, remembering that even in the darkest moments, there is always the promise of rebirth and the light that returns to warm the hearts and illuminate the souls ways.

It had always been your favorite time of year, you loved how the snow fell from the sky and painted everything white, the food, the exchange of gifts and most importantly, it was when your whole family was together. You appreciated more than anything the few moments of peace that your family spent during that date, all happy and together. Like a big, loving family.

Having them all together was what you loved most as you grew up. All the disputes, the fights seemed to disappear during this time of year. Your heart and mind were at peace.

The green of the forest and the fiery red of love and passion. Its fabric was as soft as a spring breeze, a harmonious blend of silk and cotton that moved like leaves dancing in the wind. The predominant green was reminiscent of treetops, its hue varying from a lush emerald green to softer nuances, like newborn buds. The waist was accentuated by a deep red belt, as if it were the blush of the petals of a passionate rose. The intense tone stood out, creating a magnificent contrast with the lush greenery, and a decorative bow added a touch of elegance.

Something beautiful and elegant, with both of your family colors. Of the Targaryens and the Hightowers. There was some small, discreet blue embroidery that symbolized the Velaryon, subtle but standing out in its own way.

You turned to your maid who was looking at you with affection, you smiled at her, ''What do you think, Diane?''

She smiled widely, ''You looked incredible, my princess/prince. A suitable choice for a dinner with your family.'' There was a hint of worry in her tone, but you just held her hands and squeezed them gently.

''Don't worry, Diane. Everything will be fine.''

She nodded, ''Yes... Do you want me to accompany you to where the banquet will be held?''

You politely denied, ''No, but thank you.''

A hint of disappointment flashed in her brown eyes, but she just smiled and after a simple bow, she left the room. You took a deep breath and looked at the ring that adorned your finger, a gift from your grandfather, Viserys. He was sick and you swore to yourself that you would do everything to make this dinner enjoyable for him. He deserved it.

Just as you expected, everything was impeccable and your family was already waiting for you. A majestic dining room, adorned with golden chandeliers that hung from the vaulted ceiling, casting soft light on long solid wood tables.

The walls were covered with richly embroidered tapestries, depicting scenes from Targaryen history and grand festivities. The polished stone floor gleamed in the light of the torches that adorned the walls, reflecting the grandeur of the space.

In the center of the room, a long table stretched out, covered in an immaculate linen tablecloth and decorated with wildflower arrangements and heraldry of noble families. Silver candelabras exuded a soft glow, while golden goblets glittered in the dancing light of the flames.

Music filled the atmosphere as skilled musicians played lutes, flutes and harps, entertaining guests with happy melodies and lively dances.

''(Y/N)!'' Your mother's excited voice called out to you and you smiled at Rhaenyra, who quickly hugged you, placing her head against the crook of your neck, ''You look great, sweetheart.''

''Thanks, mom. You look great too.'' And indeed, she did. Rhaenyra wore a dark red dress decorated with gold that fit her perfectly. She pulled back a little and smiled at you.

''(Y/N)! We're here.'' On one side of the table, your younger brothers sat. You looked at Jacaerys, Lucerys, and little Joffrey, who were smiling at you. You kissed Rhaenyra's cheek and went to sit next to your brothers. Or you tried, for that matter.

For you were quickly pulled to the side as Aegon grabbed you and pulled you closer to him, Aemond, and Helaena. You smiled at your aunt and uncles and greeted them.

''Sit with us.'' Aegon asked and pointed to an empty chair next to Helaena who was smiling sweetly at you. You looked nervously at your brothers, who were staring at Aegon with disdain.

Aemond frowned and placed a hand over your shoulder, ''Come, stay with us.'' His tone said there was no room for argument.

Luckily for you, the doors opened and revealed Viserys along with Alicent, both smiling when they saw you. You apologized to your aunt and uncles and quickly walked over to your grandparents, helping Viserys sit down.

''Ah, (Y/N)... You look great!'' Viserys praised you, as soon as he sat down. You smiled at him and kissed his cheek in thanks.

Alicent pulled you into a tight hug, ''My husband is right, you look great. This shade of green suits you very well.'' She murmured and walked away hesitantly, adjusting your clothes. You kissed your face.

''Thanks. You look amazing too.'' She smiled in response and held your hands, squeezing them gently.

After a few minutes of talking to your grandparents, you walked over to your father and uncle, who were sitting next to each other. Laenor smiled widely and pulled you into a tight hug, not wanting to let go. He only let go when Daemon cleared his throat, irritated.

Laenor rolled his eyes and let go of you, staring at Daemon with an iron gaze. Daemon returned the same look and you acted quickly before they fought.

''Happy Solstice to you both.'' You said, twiddling your fingers nervously. Daemon smiled and patted you on the shoulder twice, pulling you into a hug. You hugged him back.

''Happy Solstice, my child.'' Laenor said after you and Daemon parted ways.

''Happy Solstice, (Y/N).'' Daemon said, looking at you softly. You thanked them and apologized as you left them, wanting to greet your other family members. You spotted Baela and Rhaena sitting near your brothers and quickly walked over to them.

''Finally. I thought you would never come and talk to us.'' Baela complained and got up from the chair and hugged you tightly, ''I missed you, cousin.''

You returned the hug tightly, smiling at her words, ''I missed you too, cousin.''

Rhaena cleared her throat and stood up, hugging you as you and Baela separated.

You smiled at the squeeze and said, ''I missed you too, Rhaena.''

Joffrey got out of his chair and jumped into your arms, laughing loudly when you caught him in a tight hug.

''You're getting too big for me to keep doing this.'' You laughed and rolled him over, placing him on the floor. Russing his dark hair, you smiled when he laughed. You hugged Luke, who seemed especially clingy today. Jace also hugged you tightly and wished you a Happy Solstice.

After talking for a while with your brothers and cousins, you went to greet your paternal grandparents. Rhaenys and Corlys were sitting next to Otto, oddly enough, and the three of them looked at you with affection.

''Grandmother.'' You kissed Rhaenys's cheek who kissed yours back.

''Grandpa.'' You hugged Corlys and he hugged you back and complimented the blue details on your outfit.

''Otto.'' You greeted your great-grandfather, who smiled warmly at you. He seemed relaxed and calm, more so than he normally was.

''Shall we have dinner in honor of this happy day?'' Viserys's loud voice sounded in the room and everyone focused on the King. There was a bit of tension about where you should sit, but you chose next to Viserys and Rhaenyra, who shook your hand under the table.

Servants brought silver trays loaded with delicious delicacies. Large roasts of meat browned on skewers, exuding a tantalizing aroma of exotic spices. Tables were adorned with fresh fruit, from crimson apples to juicy grapes, and freshly baked bread that looked like it had come straight from the oven.

Plenty of wine circulated among everyone and soon everyone was laughing and talking. Your heart felt lighter when you saw your entire family happy, getting along for the first time in a long time.

After the banquet, you all went to one of the rooms of the castle, where the gifts were. The exchange went well, you received gifts from everyone individually and you presented them with what you carefully chose. Ser Criston was present and you gave him a gift too, under the watchful eye of your family, a pure Valyrian steel sword. He smiled in thanks and said he would give you a gift later.

When it seemed like the exchange of gifts was over, Otto said, ''We have a special gift for you, (Y/N). From all of us.'' He gestured to your entire family, who looked on expectantly. You took the gift from his hand, a wooden box with gold details, which was well packaged.

As soon as you opened it, all the color in your face disappeared. It was a head, a human head. You felt like you were going to throw up when you recognized the head. Diane, your servant.

''W-What is this?!'' You groaned, the words stuck in your throat as you held the box, your legs shaking as terror invaded your body. Everyone seemed calm, even Viserys.

''This is our gift to you, my child.'' Rhaenyra said and approached you, placing a hand on your shoulder, ''To remind you not to approach anyone.''

''They can't be trusted,'' Alicent began to say, ''Diane couldn't be trusted. Criston was the one who cut off her head and Rhaenyra, Helaena and I cradled her. The choice of the box was Daemon's.''

They looked at you expectantly, as if they hoped you really liked the gift. Your hands were shaking so much that the box fell to the floor, Diane's severed head falling to the floor.

A perfect ending to a loving Winter Solstice with your family, from their perspective.

[barrel-crow-n]

I was just thinking about how Kaz built this heartless persona for himself and how everyone falls for it to varying degrees: He's widely regarded as a monster and as "not made right"; Inej thought he wouldn't come for her and that once she was useless to him that he would discard her; Jesper never knows where exactly he stands with him; Nina "doesn't want to know what dark hole he crawled out of"; Wylan calls him "the most vengeful creature he had ever met"; Matthias believes he's a demon. But in reality his true motives for most things are love and grief and loss of family.

Kaz only wanted money for revenge, he didn't want to try and build a meaningful connection with Imogen because she would distract him from pursuing his vengeance, he only mentions how Pekka conned them out of money to explain how they ended up on the streets, how it was never about the money but about Jordie.

Kaz says that he and Jordie were such easy marks because they missed their dad. Kaz's biggest gripe was not just the loss of Jordie but the illusion of a home and family that Pekka had snatched away before the plague snatched Jordie away too.

It all always leads back to Jordie and his loss and avenging him and about never wanting to be that vulnerable again. Kaz created Kaz Brekker to protect himself, to hide his vulnerabilities. His grief is hidden behind a fake name, his naivety is hidden behind violence, his touch aversion is hidden behind the gloves.

Kaz pushes people away because he fears what will happen if he lets them in. He gets mean when he's vulnerable to hide said vulnerability. He did it in the clocktower, he did it in the bathroom. After he accidently calls Jesper Jordie he lashes out verbally and physically, when Inej asks about Jordie and Pekka's involvement in what happened he recounts how he tortured someone. In both incidents it's again Jordie that he's hiding, that is causing him to be vulnerable. It always leads back to Jordie. Even with Van Eck! He's again angry that he fell for what he fell for before, the thing that made him lose Jordie making him temporarily lose Inej.

In both the Jesper and Inej examples he hides behind violence - by brawling with Jesper and recounting a time when he tortured a young boy. He does this because he loves Inej and Jesper, and it scares him, and he doesn't know what to do with it. Because everyone he's ever loved has died in horrible ways (his father was torn apart by a plough, his brother died from a horrible sickness) and he doesn't want to go through it again - especially since he still hasn't let go of Jordie, although it has been eight years.

Kaz is a person who loves so deeply. Who is mainly motivated by love. Who, when Pekka asks him what he wants, replies "Bring my brother back from the dead." because he never cared about money, nor power, nor anything else. He just wants his brother. All he wanted this whole time is his brother, and since he no longer has him he lashes out, all hurt and grieving. He's hurting so badly that he destroys everyone even mildly involved in what took Jordie away from him. But he only did that because he loved Jordie. It wasn't revenge for the sake of money it was for the sake of love. It was for the sake of Jordie.

Kaz loved Jordie so much that he became the most feared person in Ketterdam, that he took down the King of the Barrel and a merchant from one of the oldest families in Ketterdam (because even if his gripe with Van Eck was unrelated, it's because of Jordie's loss that life snowballed into their interactions and the consequent betrayal and destruction of everything Van Eck held dear). Kaz loved Jordie so much that it changed the entire course of the narrative.

If not for Jordie's loss the heist wouldn't of happened, all of the Crows lives would've been different, some of the Crows would even most likely be dead, and this extends even further to much more major things. The King of Ravka managed to steal the titanium because of his help which will aid Ravka in wars, the path to jurda parem is no longer in the hands of the Fjerdans and a cure is being safely developed in Ravka because Kaz rescued Kuwei, Wylan took over the Van Eck empire because Kaz tampered with Van Eck's will and papers, Inej is working on taking down the slave trade which is only possible because Kaz freed her from her indenture, Nina became the queen of Fjerda because of things that Kaz started (her joining the Dregs instead of being indebted to the Dime Lions, him freeing Matthias, him organising the heist, Matthias dying in the aftermath, her going to Fjerda to bury Matthias and the results which ended up being her and her new lover on the Fjerdan throne trying to fix prejudice against grisha, and women, in the most conservative country).

All of it leads back to Kaz. And he did all of it for Jordie. It all always leads back to Jordie. Jordie and Kaz's love for his big brother and his grief over having him snatched away from him.

[star-anise]

Ask I got on my sideblog but am answering here:

Hi there! I know you're a therapist and I have a question: I saw some people arguing on Twitter about the impacts of trauma. There was a therapist among them, and they had a masters degree in social work, they post about it often. They say that people who have experienced trauma hurt other people because it benefits them or gives them pleasure, and they are disconnected from empathy and sympathy. That seems wrong, but maybe it's not? That's all, thanks!

Ooof, yeah, that's... complicated. It's technically true, but also frequently used as a lie.

Trigger warning: Child abuse, child grooming, interpersonal violence, trauma (childhood & intergenerational), true crime, totalitarianism

Because basically, that describes MOST humans who decide to hurt other humans on purpose without a strong ulterior motive. That's not a trauma thing, that's a human thing.

I babysit for a family with a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old. When the 1yo does something to upset their older sibling, and that sibling winds up and smacks them, that's the same basic thing. It benefits them (makes 1yo go away), brings them pleasure (having an outlet for their anger is very satisfying), and they're disconnected from empathy (they're often surprised and confused when the 1yo is crying, because they're 3 and THEY feel fine and they don't really understand yet that other people's feelings really exist) or even sympathy (understanding that if you hit someone, they will probably be upset). That's something we adults have to watch out for and intervene in, because empathy and impulse control take time to learn.

But as for where trauma figures into this... how to explain.

There's this old logical puzzle about categories, where you say things like:

All dogs have four legs*

A dog is an animal

And then the catch is that you can't extend that to say

All animals have four legs

*RIP to all the tripods and legless animals that apparently aren't dogs anymore for the purposes of this logic exercise

Animals obviously include fish and millipedes and whales and snakes and jellyfish. The number of legs an animal can have is HIGHLY diverse, and will eventually lead to a debate on what the definition of "leg" is.

So there is this common thing we see:

Some people are much more violent and aggressive than other people

These violent and aggressive people have almost always experienced some form of trauma/abuse/neglect

And the link people are really prone to thinking is:

People who have experienced trauma/abuse/neglect will go on to being violent and aggressive with other people.

This is incorrect. To some degree, I can see why it's widely believed - after all, way more people tune in to learn about a serial killer's abusive childhood than for the more common story, which is survivors of trauma slowly going about their lives in ordinary undramatic ways.

Because the thing is, trauma is REALLY diverse. Humans are inherently varied and a bit chaotic, since we can choose very different ways to live and operate, and trauma splits that variability like a prism turning light into a rainbow. Only about 30% of abused children grow up to be abusive themselves. The other 70% choose very different lives.

And yet. My eternal question is: WHY is this such a meme? Why do so many people with a shitty childhood flinch at the 30% statistic and think, "Is that me? Am I destined to be a monster?" Why does this story have legs, when so many other facts about trauma have way more empirical backing and usefulness and get very little attention?

I submit that there is one group that fucking LOVES the idea that traumatized person equals abuser. One group that pushes it into the discourse, in international media or around the family kitchen table, with great ingenuity and gusto.

Abusers.

They love it for two reasons. The most obvious reason is: It absolves them of their actions. "It wasn't ME who hit you, it was my childhood trauma!" A veritable classic excuse that takes their agency out of the equation. And it really can be hard to tell when it's a good excuse and when it isn't!

Reason two is the more insidious one: It cuts their victim's sense of goodness, worthiness, and moral certainty out from under them.

It's as simple as saying, "Look at how you pushed back at me (when I was abusing you)! You're the REAL abuser here!" It's the heart of what domestic abuse researchers call DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). It can be that simple, or it can be so complicated and byzantine it makes your head hurt.

I only really got a handle on understanding this thanks to a friend, who said she was okay with me sharing this story if I didn't identify her. I won't go into any unrelated details of her abuse, but for the record, hers is probably the most extreme case of anyone I've personally interacted with, and I used to work as a therapist and in domestic violence shelters. Her dad heinously abused her as a child. He'd also studied psychology in university. I have been trying to fathom how the fuck anyone could do what he did to her for YEARS, and I think I've got a few viabletheories.

So. She was an ordinary child, bright, warmhearted, well-behaved, and a bit autistic. A bit more naive and trusting than your average preschooler. I imagine that from his perspective, there was the convenient benefit that he often had unrestricted access to her, and he could relatively easily overpower and manipulate her.

But she had one serious downside: If anyone ever found out what he was doing to her, they would go fucking apeshit. She wasn't really prone to lying or acting out, so people would treat her as a fairly credible reporter; several other adults found her she was lovable, innocent, and endearing; and what he wanted to do to her was, I repeat, heinous.

So while he abused her, one of the things he said was: "I'm doing this because I was abused as a child. That's how it works. All abusers come from abuse. There are statistics proving it. This means you're an abuser too. See what society thinks about child abusers? That's what people will think about you, if they know that you've been abused."

And she was, you know, a child, not someone who studied psych research. He was her dad. So she believed him.

She thought that he was using his adult brain to correctly assess the truth about her as a person, for purely objective reasons. The way you'd try to teach a kid who talks with their mouth full about table manners. It's been a couple decades now, but she is still very slowly chipping away at her core belief that she is inherently awful and only her father recognized the truth about her.

Sometimes when we talk about it I have to bite my tongue because I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck was going on with him, an adult man who wanted to abuse her because he'd really enjoy it. I think about him trying to figure out how to manipulate an innocent child into accepting being abused, and minimize the risk that he'd go to jail for it. And although I hate his everloving guts, I'm almost a bit impressed at his level of machiavellian audacity, to come up with a line that was SUCH hot bullshit that people have devoted their entire careers into proving it false, and yet, because it hit exactly the right psychological issue at exactly the right psychological stage and his intended victim was so trusting, he could get her to believe him enough to turn that lie into her core identity.

Praise be to G-d and Criminal Minds, he did not, in the end, get away with it. She got enough courage to tell people, and get free of him. And she is not, in fact, a horrible abusive person.

But I think what he did so very brazenly is what a lot of abusers do, in more disguised and indirect ways. Probably partly because it really helps, when abusing people, not to treat them like human beings with their own thoughts and feelings, but if one must posit that they have something going on between their ears, it's easiest to assume that everyone else responds to trauma with aggression and abuse. After all, considering the possibility that someone like them could choose not to be abusive takes all the fun and plausible deniability out of the whole affair.

But now I see echoes of that "my victims are just as bad as I am" tactic all over the place. I honestly think it's a very similar mechanism that Hannah Arendt pointed out in The Origins of Totalitarianism. She observes that violent totalitarian regimes routinely accuse their intended victims of the very act they intend to commit themselves, to justify a "retaliation" that's actually just aggression. Think claiming "Our opponents are rigging this election" as an excuse to rig an election in the opposite direction.)

To sum up: You're human. Humans can do good and bad things. It's not necessarily good to completely forswear anything violent or angry in you, but to come up with a framework of how to be assertive and get your needs met in an ethical fashion. There are times it is appropriate and even necessary to escape or fight against somebody else's will.

On the other hand, If find yourself inflicting pain on other people on a regular basis, get some support and take a good hard look at your life choices. Sometimes it's hard to figure out how to solve problems in your life without violence or aggression, and you might need some help with that. Maybe talk to a counsellor or learn anger management skills.

But in no way is it predestined, inherent, implicit, or doomed, that your experiences and brain wiring make you violent or evil. You always have the choice to define yourself beyond what was done to you.

[twilightt-fantasy]

stand up [v. kings]

description: Hey- I have yet to see any of these (kinda?-) But I was hoping if you could do a Poly relationship with the Volturi kings, where the reader is shy as heck and is related to the one and only, Bella swan? Have a great day/afternoon/night <3 :)

requested by: anon

warnings: Bella bashing.

masterlist 

She had always been second to Bella.

Always, didn’t matter what the occasion or skill was - if she could do it, she was certain that Bella would somehow make it better or, if not, find a way to put the attention back on her.  

It was tiresome and aggravating and drove a wedge between her and her mother. Charlie wasn’t nearly as bad as Renee when comparing the two of them, which is why the younger swan wildly preferred her father.

When she found her mates and moved to Italy, the relationship between her and her mom eased a bit. She wasn’t around as much to hear Renee fawn about Bella and Renee instead used the time she did speak to her to wonder how her new - modified version - life was.

She had hoped her and Bella’s relationship would mend itself as well but, of course, that wasn’t the case.

She had been swept into Bella’s world unwillingly and Bella hated that she had to share her little piece of heaven with her sister. It stung her even more that her mates were the very Kings of Volterra, the same ones that nearly stole Edward away from her.

She was not shy about voicing her opinion either, even in front of the kings. She knew they would never do anything to harm the family of their mate if that was what she wished.

Though, the human’s patience was beginning to run thin.

Especially now, as Bella sat in the quiet area of Aro’s study with her husband, sister, and her mates. They visited a couple of times a year, Bella using the chance to show off her new immortality that her sister had not yet received.

Though she hadn’t said much, her mocking eyes and hateful scoffs were not missed by anyone. The Kings were as polite to her as always but she could not return the sentiment.

Her sister hated it and knew her mates did as well. They tried hard to be nice to her and the Cullen family, the least she could do was pretend while she was here.

Hell, even Edward managed to be respectful and hold up a normal conversation.

Finally, after Marcus had attempted to start another conversation with Bella to which he was met with a snarky comment, the mate of the kings had had enough.

“Bella, enough.” Her voice, normally quiet and demure, was loud enough to shock everyone into silence. 

Bella looked to her sister wide eyes, Edward looking between the two of them warily.

Aro, Caius and Marcus all wore varying shades of surprise and pride, their attention fully on their mate as she stared down her sister. Bella was gaping at the human, not used to the loudness of her voice or the displeasure on her face.

“Marcus was simply asking a question, trying to get to know you better. The least you could do is pretend to be polite and have some decency while you’re here.” She was angry now, the years of being pushed behind Bella and constantly being pushed down building up in her. “They’re nice enough to let you come here because you’re my sister but one word, and you won’t see me again and we won’t extend any favors to you.”

“I can’t held that I was pulled into your world and I can’t help who my mates are no matter how much you remind me that you hate me being involved and you hate them.” Bella opened her mouth to argue, to which the human raised her hand, showing she was not done. “But they’ve treated me better in a short time than you have treated me my whole life. You have no right to come here and disrespect them and myself when they’re just being nice.”

She huffed, pausing when she noticed the looks she was getting around the room. Her face turned red then, realizing what she had just done in front of everyone.

Bella was only staring back at her sister, looking only the smallest bit ashamed. Her golden eyes looked towards Edward, who only looked back briefly. “You’re right, I apologize.”

She nodded back, cheeks still burning. “I think we should end this for tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With that, she stood heading out of Aro’s quarters and heading towards her own. She knew her mates would be close behind her and left the door open for them, smiling sheepishly when they appeared.

“I can’t believe I just did that.”

“Neither can we.” Aro laughed, reaching forward to grab her hand and kiss her cheek. “That was fantastic.”

“I have to agree.” Caius took her other hand, a smug smile pulling at his lips. “I never saw it coming, though it needed to be said for some time.”

“I was just so sick of her treating you guys like that.” She sighed, leaning her head back into Marcus’ chest as he appeared behind her. “You all have been trying to be nice to her and that’s how she repays you. I can handle it but she shouldn’t take it out on you.”

“You shouldn’t have to handle it.” Marcus murmured and the other two nodded in agreement. “She’s your sister, Bella should treat you better than what she does.”

She scoffed. “You’re telling me.”

“Come on.” Caius tugged your hand, pulling you back towards the bed. “No more talk of Bella tonight. We’ll put on a movie or something to get your mind off of it.”

She smiled, leaning up to peck Caius’ cheek as she followed them each to her bed. The four of them got comfortable, her resting in the middle of Caius and Marcus while keeping a hold of Aro’s hand.

Even if her rant towards Bella didn’t change anything, she knew she’d have the three kings for the rest of eternity to love her and accept her in all her ways.

[racinggirl]

Racing Hearts - prologue

a/n: I've spent an entire evening trying to perfect this prologue. I wanted it to give away the essence and personality of both main characters, so hopefully I made that work. I have to say that I am slightly scared, because this is my first ever multi-chapter story I'm writing, but I'm trying! Hopefully you will enjoy it.

Repost, comment or any type of support is very welcomed! It keeps me motivated 🫣

Comment down below if you want to get added to the taglist

warnings: dark!lando, confident!lando, business!lando, nothing much really, just rich people stuff.

Racing Hearts Masterlist

next chapter

Olivia

The sky was filled with a range of colours, varying between bright pinks, pastel oranges and deep, dark purples contrasting against the black from the night sky. As the wind breezed past me, the few strands of hair that weren’t tucked into my messy bun flew up in front of my face. I tightened my grip on the balcony’s railing, inhaling sharply before slowly breathing out.

I can do this. I can do this.

Tonight was one of the most important evenings of the year, the annual Charity Gala in Monte Carlo, Monaco. Me and my family lived in London, but business isn’t tied to one city, or even one country.

I’ve travelled a lot, flying to New York City for an opening of one of Harrington Enterprises newest Jewellery stores, or going all the way to Dubai to accompany my mother to one of our fabric manufacturers. They were all business trips, as was the one I’m attending on my own right now.

Monaco, home of some of the most wealthy, successful and busiest people on earth. You only lived in Monaco for two reasons. A, you were born here. B, you had plenty of money and had no idea what to do with it. Seeing as the average net worth of a Monaco citizen is above ten million dollars, I’d say ninety-nine percent of the people at this gala belonged to category B. I had to make a great impression; it was my job as the PR Director at Harrington Enterprises.

I wasn’t a stranger to a high society gala; however, I had not experienced something as extravagant as this before. High ceilings, decorated with glass chandeliers that glittered in the big open room. Waiters moving effortlessly through the crowd, holding trays with glasses filled with champagne that cost more than your average rent.

My eyes roamed the big, crowded room, searching for the man that stood number two on my list; one of the reasons my parents informed me of this Charity Gala. He was a well-known fashion icon and businessman in this world. Nate Thompson.

I spotted him at the bar, talking to the women that were nearly drooling at his feet. The man was eye-candy for every woman at this event. With broad shoulders, a sharp jawline and masculinity that made multiple men run for their money, he was one of the most successful bachelors out there.

I gathered my courage and stepped towards the man, shoulders straight with a friendly yet professional smile plastered on my lips. As I approached, Nate’s eyes met mine and he gave me one of his warm, welcoming smiles.

‘’Olivia Harrington,’’ he said, extending his hand. ‘’I’ve heard a lot about you, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.’’

‘’The pleasure is mine, Mr. Thompson,’’ I replied, shaking his hand firmly. ‘’Such a wonderful place, isn’t it?’’ I slowly let go of his hand, keeping my posture straight and professional.

‘’Please, call me Nate,’’ he said with a wink. ‘’Mr Thompson makes me feel old.’’

As the night went on, we struck up a conversation about his newest fashion items. He spoke about different designs, as well as places for shop openings. As much as I loved the fashion world – shopping at Versace, Prada and Chanel never got boring – I had to hold back a yawn once every few minutes.

‘’Your father has done a tremendous job attaining the vacant buildings at Bond Street.’’ Nate did exactly what I expected him to do, and it surprised me how little effort I had to put into this conversation. ‘’A very, very astonishing job.’’ Nate continued speaking highly of my father’s deals.

Bond Street was one, if not the most expensive street in London. My father bought most of the houses a few years back, when the house market was at it’s lowest. It was no surprise Nate Thompson was looking for the best of the best when it came to opening his new store in London.

‘’He did, indeed,’’ I reached into my designer bag, fishing out a business card of my father’s company. ‘’It would be a perfect location for Thompson’s, wouldn’t it?’’

Nate didn’t hesitate once and reached out for the card I held out with my fingers. ‘’Pleasure doing business with you, Olivia, you’ll hear from my team.’’ A satisfied smile appeared on my face when Nate gave me a curt nod, me returning the favour by raising my glass ever so slightly.

One down, one to go.

‘’Impressive.’’ The dark, smooth voice scattered goosebumps all over my skin, it made my body react in ways I hadn’t felt in quite a while.

My eyes followed the voice, and I was met by a tall figure. A tailored black suit that hugged those broad shoulders. Dark curls that looked a perfect combination of messy and neat. Eyes, a colour that I couldn’t quite decipher. Green, blue, a hint of grey or even brown, but what I did know was that those eyes pierced straight through me, looking into the depths of my soul.

The low chuckle that rose from his throat snapped me out of my thoughts. I gathered myself and lifted my chin up ever so slightly.

Let’s tackle the number one on my list.

‘’Mr. Norris, what a pleasure.’’

Lando

Emerald green never had been one of my favourite colours, it stood out great with my tan, though. It was sophisticated, elegant and not too in your face. You’d think it would be a colour that I adored, well, you couldn’t be more wrong.

Orange was more my colour, it was fierce, available in many different shades, perfect for every occasion. Mix it with a dark shade, it stood out. Mix it with a light shade, it blended in. A perfect representation of my life.

As a racing driver, you needed dark, to stand out to be the best of the best, to catch people’s attention to gain yourself a spot in the spotlight. But you also wanted to blend in, to move through the field without getting noticed, yearning for the privacy that was so hard to attain.

In the world of business, it was similar, yet different. You needed dark so you could make money, be the best of the best, without having that spotlight. Because having that spotlight in the business world meant you needed that light more than ever, needing to blend in so you wouldn’t have that target on your back.

Combine the two, and you learn to be ahead of everyone, two steps ahead to get whatever you want, whenever you want.

I reached for a glass and raise it to my lips, my eyes staying glued to the business deal being made in front of my eyes.

Everybody that attended this Gala wasn’t here for the good sake of their heart. No, a Charity Gala was the perfect way to make it look like you’re donating money for those in need, when in fact it’s the perfect cover-up for a business deal. One that was being closed a few meters away from me.

Once the deal had been made, I made my way over with a few long strides. She didn’t hear me approach, causing her body to react instantly to my voice.

‘’Impressive.’’ I never expected Olivia Harrington to strike up a deal with Nate Thompson in just under 17 minutes. The man was harder to please than a newborn baby that needed its mom. However, I suppose when you’re looking for a new location for your shop, Bond Street was the place to be, a coincidence that Richard Harrington had exactly what Nate needed? I don’t think so.

I never underestimated the Harrington family; they were one step ahead most of the time. It’s a good thing I’m always two ahead.

‘’Mr. Norris, what a pleasure.’’ I took a hold of her hand, ignoring the way her soft skin felt against my own. ‘’Ms. Harrington.’’ Her hand let go of mine, and I grinned slightly at the subtle flush of her cheeks.

‘’Surely not eavesdropping, I hope?’’ Her soft yet sharp voice was a complete contrast to the previous shock on her face when she laid eyes on me.

‘’Merely observing.’’

My gaze flew over her body, the way that emerald green dress hugged her body in the right places, the tanned legs underneath that dress going down to the Louboutin’s she was wearing. I wasn’t one to back away from a bit of flirting, I absolutely loathed the fake smiles and pretended interest at any business event. They were necessary, for the most part, and I was amongst one of many that took part in the fake contest, but that didn’t mean I enjoyed it.

‘’I see,’’ the smile on my face was less forced this time, but I blame it on how the woman in front of me swallowed hard, a clear indication of nervousness.

A chuckle rose in my chest. ‘’No need to be nervous, Sunshine,’’ I smirked slightly. ‘’I’m not as intimidating as they say.’’ I made sure my voice was smooth and filled with confidence, as always.

‘’Nervous? Is that another of your observations, Mr. Norris?’’

‘’It is,’’ I maintained eye contact as I took another sip of the Louis Roederer drink. At least they served some decent champagne. ‘’and I’m never wrong.’’

Another harsh bob of her throat.

I was aware of the fact I was on their list of business talks. Nate Thompson may be one of the most successful men at this event, but not nearly as successful as me. Like I said before, always be two steps ahead.

‘’Now, let’s cut straight to what brought you here. Let’s talk business, shall we?’’

TAGLIST

@smoooothoperator @tapedeck-hearts @cabbyhabs @wanderingreigns @samantha-chicago @alltoomaples @ironmaiden1313 @pinkbookloverslife @onlyzahraaaa

[vaspider]

Out of curiosity, do you know what the stance is on raising children as Jewish after converting FROM Judaism? My mom and her sister have disagreeing views on this; my aunt converted to Christianity before having kids with her husband, and has told her kids they are still Jewish. My cousins and I grew up with the same amount of Jewish religion (only Hanukkah), but they were raised with church and Christian religion. My mom feels that her sister "traded" Christianity for Judaism and thus, her kids aren't Jewish by blood anymore because their mother wasn't Jewish when she had them. I feel like this is a very complicated & nuanced question, so mainly I'm curious if it's one of those "very complicated, depends on the rabbi" type answers, or if this actually is something that most rabbis have come to consensus on, since matrilineal descent is very important to many Jews.

It's not necessarily that it's super complicated, it's that the answers will vary depending on the Movement and it's going to depend on the specifics of your aunt's conversion -- when she converted vs when the kids were born, how the kids were raised, etc. -- and not only am I not a rabbi but I'm not their rabbi, so I wouldn't want to speak to the specifics of your family's situation.

Some rabbis will say say yes, some will say absolutely not, some will say your cousins should convert, some will say they don't have to...

Generally speaking, children born to non-Jewish parents are not Jewish, however, people with Jewish ancestry/extended family and who were raised with one foot in Jewish life will often find conversion... easy or somewhat perfunctory, a matter of more confirming their Jewishness rather than establishing it. :) If your cousins are interested in connecting to their Judaism further, they should chat with a rabbi.

[shipperofdoomedships]

So you know how the Addams family has had to deal with angry mobs on occasion? Imagine the entire Addams clan as an angry mob.

Enid spends Christmas/New years at the Addams manor and the entire family and extended family instantly love her. Almost everyone at one point ask Wednesday and Enid when the wedding will be causing them both to blush and explain that they're just friends. The responses from each family member vary from confusion to brutal honesty about how they should be together. Unfortunately one of the many cousins gets a little tipsy and as she waves her arms excitedly telling a story to Enid and Wednesday, Enid flinches away and instinctively puts her arms up toprotect her face. The ballroom goes silent as everyone realizes why Enid reacted the way she did. Enid tries to laugh it off asks the cousin to continue the story. She does but afterwards silent conversations are had between the entirety of the Addams clan until the 2 teens head to bed. The next morning Enid and Wednesday come downstairs to a completely empty house and a note on the front door hung with a dagger. Wednesday grabs the note and silently reads before cursing under her breath. Enid looks at her questionably and Wednesday replies "It seems my entire family has left to San Francisco to dispose of your horrid excuse of a mother. I had made it VERY clear to mother and father that I wanted to strike the first blow. Come Enid, we must hurry if I'm to at least be able to strike a blow to that wretched woman before my family scatter her pieces". Enid follows Wednesday out of the door trying but failing to calm her or convince her to call her family off their hunt.

Meanwhile in San Francisco

The Addams clan have taken over almost an entire block of the street Enid lives on. Looking almost like a typical angry mob but in place of torches and pitchforks they are brandishing molotov cocktails and various swords, axes and flails. Morticia is at the head of the group looking up at Esther Sinclair peeking from behind curtain of her bedroom window. Morticia calmly but loudly says "Esther Sinclair, please come outside for a moment, we just want to talk..."

[she-who-fights-and-writes]

How would you write a character who spends a lot of time taking care of young-ish kids? Like a nanny or a live-in babysitter.

I have a post that's a bit older that might help you out!

How to Write Young Children and Babies

Besides that, here are some things that also may be unique to your ask are the logistics of caregiving.

Some definitions for you:

Au Pair

A person working for, and living as part of, a host family--usually a young adult from a different country who is using this as an opportunity to be immersed within country they're visiting, and to stay for an extended period. Typically, au pairs take on a share of the family's responsibility for child care as well as some housework, and receive a monetary allowance or stipend for personal use.

Nanny

A nanny is a hired professional who typically functions on a set schedule and cares for their charges everyday or multiple days per week. A nanny's job can not only encapsulate watching the children, but also transportation to and from school, cooking, and cleaning. Nannies can be live-in, but don't have to be.

Babysitter

A babysitter is an on-demand caregiver. Unlike nannies, they're called in for shorter hours on a less regular basis. It is not as common for babysitters to be required to handle transportation or cooking, and it would be unusual for them to be expected to provide housework unless agreed upon prior. A babysitter is oftentimes be a school-age student, a relative, or a friend rather than a professional.

Nannies (that are not live-in) and babysitters will probably make a set hourly wage, while the compensation for live-in nannies and au pairs usually involves a small stipend while being provided free food and housing.

Some families will pay for their nannies and au pairs to go on vacation with them, and others will provide gas money if they are driving their children around to many places (It varies widely on the family, though!)

Some Duties a Child Caregiver May Perform:

Changing diapers

Cleaning the messes the children make

Organizing fun crafts or games

Driving the children to and from school

Putting them to bed

Cooking meals

Bottle feeding babies

Helping with homework

Taking them to restaurants

Taking them to after school activities and clubs

Taking them to parks/playgrounds/other places

(And more!)

Some families specifically hire caregivers who speak another language in order to make their child fluent in that language.

Advantages of Being a Child Caregiver:

Form close bonds with the children you care for, as well as their family

More flexibility regarding which days and hours than a 9-5 job

Many caregivers gain a sense of fulfillment from their job

For live-in nannies and au pairs, you don't have to worry about and housing costs.

Obstacles:

From my experience, as well as from reading the experiences of people on the Internet, a LOT of people don't realize that nannies are a luxury. They don't see child caregiving as "real work," no matter how many children or how difficult their children may be to handle (This is deeply rooted in misogyny, but now's not the time for that essay)

They may try to stiff the nannies, leave their children with them for longer than was agreed on, or ask them to perform extra duties without the compensation to reflect it.

In addition, live-in nannies and au pairs may see themselves with a lack of work/life balance, as the boundaries of when work starts and ends are a bit blurred when everyone is living under the same roof.

Hope this helped, and happy writing!