#my eggs are in that basket. unfortunately that's the alienation basket.

[samwiselastname]

arguing with each other about how we can break out of the sisyphean catch-22 by engaging with it in subtly different ways - FUCK its the timeloop. it's always been the timeloop.

[0veil-ablaze0]

Coroika Ghost Hunter AU??? (Still don't know what to name it)

This has horror elements to it, so be warned.

This all started normally, it was just a simple mission.

Then they meet an old poor sea urchin, who had nothing but a basket of food on their person.

Goggles although nice, is a bit reckless, and that includes money.

So you all can guess what happens next. Goggles get food and spend a good chunk of the money he has.

And in the basket are just a bunch of plain milk pie (custard tarts made with egg custard and condensed milk).

But it was either that or another dose of pickled plums so they take what they can.

Goggles went to thank the old urchin but they disappeared bc what cryptic figure doesn't?

Once they eat the tart, suddenly everything around them has a weird vibe to it. And Vintage swear to the heavens above (which is something he doesn't usually do) he saw some creepy figure in the distance.

(As any of you can guess, the pie is enchanted so now they can see ghosts and spirits)

Vintage never liked horror, even as a young child he's actually intimidated by Hireo-kun. But now he's intimidating, go figure.

So at night on their way home, Vintage couldn't sleep bc gut feeling. So he did the next best thing, cling to Skull, who is a light sleeper.

So the two agreed to do a quick night patrol, their sleep schedule are bad anyways.

They saw a creepy looking thing and pray that it didn't see them or followed them home.

(Spoilers: It did)

Once they got back to Octo Canyon, there's a multitude of malicious octarian ghosts that's out to get them. Unfortunately, neither of the Squid Sisters can see them and neither can Octavio.

"Kids gone senile perhaps."

So in Inkopolis, the same malicious spirit did follow them back and is looming over Aviators, oh no.

So Vintage plans a sleepover with the old team. "For old times sake ig." He says.

And they went to Omega's place bc Vintage doesn't want people to assume that he got them to smoke and Skull practically lives with Aviators at this point.

Night comes and the creature did found them and kidnaps Avi. They do any logical teen thing to do and that is go after them, with live late night text to the Squidbeak, the one w/o the idols.

The Octos are confused.

The duo got to an abandoned neighborhood in the rural parts of Inkopolis, Vintage (who's not a horror fan) is visibly shaking despite the straight face.

It's backed up further of his fear when he keeps typing in typos.

Goggles, through text: and here i rhougt my typos are bad

Then they found out that the malicious ghost guy steals eyes and they are FREAKING OUT.

And they do any normal teen behavior in horror, fight the damn thing.

And then angsty backstory ensue, they get alienated bc of their facial features, specifically eyes.

Skull, who is eyebrowless: .... Ow mood.

Next thing you know after the ghost is defeated and rests in peace, the sun rises and Avi woke up.

Avi, clueless: Hey guys, what happened?

"... Be glad you're a heavy sleeper."

And this is just the beginning...

???: *sighs* It can't be helped huh? Guess I have to protect him directly...

[a3theatrejunkie]

Don’t be silly Wrap your Willy!

Hanasaki Private Academy, St. Flora Middle School, and Ouka High school Students have to take care of a baby for a school project. For more context look at this post

Hanasaki Private Academy- They got robot baby dolls

St. Flora Middle School- They got Eggs. Each of the eggs have the St. Flora logo printed on it to prevent students from 

Ouka High School- Got bags of flour to be made into a baby,just random bags of flour.

SPRING TROUPE-  

Masumi is doing pretty well with the baby, she doesn’t cry much.(That’s because you have your headphones in. dumbass.) He gets a full nights sleep too. (That’s because Tsuzuru is usually up and takes care of her out of habit.)Tries to get the director to marry him this way. “Please. I’m a single father. My daughter needs a strong role model.” “Her name is Izuumi. Get it? It’s our names put together.” He and Sakuya talk about their children like their real.

Sakuya is baby and now he has a baby too. His child’s name is Romeo, he couldn’t think of anything else. He has a realistic experience with the baby, late night feeding, baby crying during rehearsal, and struggling to budget with a new member. Grows attached to the baby fast, his own little baby, his family. Doesn’t want to seem rude but gets nervous when other members of  Mankai holds his baby. “O-okay but take his burp cloth! and make sure his neck is supported. A-and!....” “Sakuya I’ve got like 12 younger brothers.” He cried when the assignment was over.

Itaru “Can we get an ‘F’ in the chat?” He remembers having one of those robot babies,their annoying and cut into his free time. Apparently you can use a strong magnet to mess up the sensors and get an easy A. Haphazardly holds the babies to play video games, He’s never been asked to hold the babies since.

“Sakuya...Masumi...” Tsuzuru worries about him getting too attached to the baby and Masumi using the baby to flirt with the director. Gave both of them some old baby clothes so they wouldn't have to buy any.

Citron loves the new members of the Spring troupe! He gives... interesting advice. “Do not worry! I’ve helped over a thousand woman and a thousand elephants give birth!” :D

SUMMER TROUPE- 

Yuki made cute little clothes for his egg and carries it in an equally cute basket. He was actually excited for this project so he could practice making children clothes but unfortunately St. Flora gave them eggs instead of the dolls. His child is named Omelette, because that’s what’s their gonna be after the project is over. While creating a budget as part of the care assignment spent over $400 of clothing. 

Muku keeps forgetting his egg everywhere he goes, he’s doing his best. His egg has a little crown on top of their head. The eggs name is Endymion, he’s gonna grow up to be the best prince ever. A some point  he forgot where his egg was and accidentally knocked it off his desk. It broke. Muku cried, the Summer troupe held a funeral and the egg prince is buried in the Mankai courtyard. He didn’t fail since he completed all the budgeting, and other sidework that came with the project but lost a good chunk of points.

Tenma is adjusting. “Why can’t I just hire a nanny? It’s in my budget.” “Well what are the chances you’ll actually become a famous actor?” “???....?!...?!?......” Anyway he hates having to carry this stupid bag of flour, the paparazzi is gonna have a field day with this. Named his child Tenma Jr. and he’s also gonna become an actor. Tenma practically spent all of his budget on luxury items, designer clothes, foreigner cars, and a million dollar house. Forgets about utilities, “What the hell is rent???”  Not adjusting well. Doesn’t help that Yuki calls his child, Hack Jr.

Kazunari- LOL! He remembers having to do that when he was still in grade school. He ‘Babysits’ while the younger actors are working or doing a scene. He’s the best uncle ever! #Blessed💖💖💖💖 Offered to redraw the ST. Flora logo onto a store bought egg when Muku’s broke, but Muku’s an honest prince, so he and Yuki decorated a coffin for the funeral.

“Poor Muku, You’re egg broke but it became a bunch of mini triangles!” Misumi didn’t help much. 

AUTUMN TROUPE-

Surprising or not, Sakyo is the most serious about the assignment. “Children are expensive and time consuming.”  Whether It’s a bag of flour or a robot doll, Sakyo makes the students of Autumn troupe take proper care of the children.He helps the students that need to make budget though.

“Hyodo if you don’t get get you child off the damn floor i’m calling your school and reporting you for Negligence.”

“I don’t know Nanao, are you gonna pay me to watch your child?”

“SETTSU!??! YOU CANNOT TAKE YOUR CHILD APART!”

Worst Grandpa ever

Omi is a little more helpful, but he agrees with Sakyo that this is an important assignment. While in school he totally bombed the assignment, but as an ex- delinquent he’s seen a few people start families waaaayy too young, It’s very stressful. Doesn’t want that for any of the Autumn Troupe. He’s willing to hold onto to the babies free of charge. Nice Grandma, probably gonna turn her grandkids into dinner

Taichi is already on thin ice with his school, he turned his flour baby into a monster child,(Ya know the little monster character he’s always drawing)

“Haven’t you seen Alien?!?!?”

Now he has the struggles of raising an alien child as a single father in highschool. “His name is Zognoid XJ-9″ 

It was fun at first for Banri, a new challenge approaches, but now the Baby is cutting in on his gaming time and what ever else it is he does. It hard to be a tough guy when your carrying a doll around. Considered taking out the batteries, but if Sakyo found out he’d fail the project. His baby is named Majima.

Juza was kind of excited for the project, maybe it would make him seem less intimidating, but no, it seems he’s gotten into more fights due to this sack of flour than before. No matter he’ll project this baby with his life, he calls her pudding. All was well until fuckin’ Settsu started calling his daughter a ‘cocaine baby’ Juza threw a few insults back and Banri punched him...in the baby. Flour went everywhere. Juza saw red. He grabbed Banri’s babydoll and though him outside into the street. People saw. Thought it was a real baby. The police were called. Sakyo had to call in A LOT of favors and explain it was just a doll. Both him and Settsu nearly failed and got chewed out by Sayko for almost ruining the companies image. 

They had separate funerals, once again buried in the Mankai court yard

BONUS! WINTER TROUPE-

Tsumugi thinks its great the kids are learning responsibility and that childcare is no joke. Brought flowers to the funerals.

“Oh! THE WOAHS OF CHILDREN, BUT THE LOVE OF A LITTLE JOY YOU TAKEN INTO TO YOUR SOUL.” Homare find this amusing and inspirational. He remembers his egg project and how- blahblahblah. Gave nice loooooong eulogies during all the funerals.

Azuma thinks it’s funny, he’s old so he never had to experience the baby project. Although the sight of seeing these new families makes him a little sad. Better drink some sake.

Tasuku “What the fuck is wrong with y’all.”

 Hisoka I’m Sleep.

[lhs3020b]

The Wooden Spaceships, by Bob Shaw

The Wooden Spaceships is the sequel to the first Land/Overland novel, The Ragged Astronauts. It's set about a generation after the ptertha-driven migration from Land; civilisation on Overland is at least stable now, if not entirely-comfortable. Unfortunately "comfortable" isn't what Toller Maraquine is looking for in his older years. Apaprently he hasn't learned any lessons about getting what you wished for, because bad news arrives on Overland in the form of an airship from Land! That's right, apparently there are survivors on Land, and they're not very happy with their neighbours.

My thoughts are under the cut...

TWS is a bit of an odd book. It's really two main stories, somewhat awkwardly joined together. There's the plot with the attempted invasion by the New Men - briefly, the children of people who proved to be unusually-resistant to pterthacosis, who apparently are either immune or are tolerant enough to the disease that they've managed to live to adulthood. The New Men, sadly, have learnt nothing from their parents' folly and may actually be worse people; their survival seems to have convinced them that they represent a sort of superman who are destined to rule the universe. I suppose a more-sympathetic interpretation might be that they're the products of a collectively-traumatised society, and are dealing with said trauma by projecting all their negative feelings onto imagined enemies on Overland. That said, regardless of interpretation, their actions are not sympathetic and King Rassamarden is clearly a psychotic nutjob.

Also, it's worth noting that they are the New _Men_. While presumably New Women must exist, we never see any. This was an interesting ellision given that TWS is generally a step up relative to TRA for gender stuff. TWS is still quite bad, don't get me wrong, but there has been some improvement. Berise is a plot-relevant female character who actually gets to do stuff, the Kolcorronian king's key adviser is actually his wife Queen Dasseene and there has been some progress on the social front. The Air Corps has been opened to female applicants and it's implied that society as a whole has got a bit more equal. (That said, let's not go too far with this - this is still a society where an aristocrat can have innocent people executed on a whim, as we see with the Sergeant Gnapperl subplot, so Overland has a long way to go before it could be described as a genuinely-civilised society. It may have got a bit more egalitarian one way, but it's still a monarchical despotism ruled by the threat and fear of absolute force.)

Toller, of course, ends up involving himself neck-deep in the war with the New Men. This has the effect of cratering his marriage to Gessalla. In what is genuinely a moment of awesome from her, she tells him that while she's glad he's still alive, she's had quite enough of spending every day wondering whether today is the day she's going to have to bury her idiot husband's corpse. It's stressful and unpleasant, she's lost quite enough in her life already (literally including her homeworld!) and if he can't settle down and sort himself out, then they're through.

Toller, of course, can't deal with this. His marriage thus collapses, and that leads us onto the second part of the novel.

Incidentally, before we get to that, allow me one small tangent. We're halfway through the trilogy, and Toller has entirely forgotten his previous wife. After she disappears halfway through TRA he just - forgets? un-persons? has selective amnesia? goes into denial? refuses to take any responsibility for his own actions? - her entire existence. Toller, you were MARRIED to this woman! Seriously, what a cad! We never find out anything about what happened to Fera at any point in the series. Even in the third novel when a return to Land happens and Shaw could have tied the plot-thread off, but we get nothing.

(Since we never find a body, I've decided to invoke headcanon. Like Toller's father, Fera was one of the rare people who are entirely-immune to pterthacosis. As such she actually survived the implosion of Ro-Atabri and the end of civilisation on Land. After some confusion she eventually moved into an abandoned princeling's palace and has been living out her days in comfortable luxury; she spends her time either walking by the river or reading books - a hobby she recently developed - and occasionally she has been known to take lunch with some of the more pro-social New Men, so she's not entirely without society either. She mostly keeps away from them, having made a reasonable judgement of their character, but that said the odd social do can be refreshing. All considered it's not the worst situation she could have ended up in, and she's certainly managed better than virtually everyone else in Kolcorron. When the Overland exiles' return to the planet happens in "The Fugitive Worlds", Fera - still alive, though an old woman by then - sees the balloons and discovers that she simply has nothing to say to the people who abandoned her to her fate 50 years earlier. As such she decides to avoid them during their visit. In the abstract she supposes that it's nice that society has survived over on Overland, but really, neo-Kolcorron's antics are just Not Her Problem Anymore, so why even bother?)

The second part of the novel concerns a group of Overlander colonists who have recently arrived in a remote area of the planet, newly-opened to settlement. (One oddity of the novel is that for a planet whose population still must be less than a quarter of a million, nonetheless people are spread quite widely across Overland.) The area they've arrived in is fertile, has a pleasant climate and even pre-existing houses, built then abandoned by the last group of prospective colonists. You see, unfortunately, it appears to be haunted.

Bartan Drumme, the semi-leader of the group, is mainly there because he's trying to court his would-be bride Sondeweere. Amusingly, Sondeweere has his number and is quite-blatantly stringing him along, mainly to annoy her domineering uncle. Bartan is of course entirely-blind to this - honestly, Land and Overlander men all seem to run at a permanent +10 to Oblivious - and the "romance" proceeds in exactly the dysfunctional manner that you might imagine. Unfortunately, what would have been an amusingly-cringy romantic dark comedy gets interrupted when the new arrivals in the Egg Basket region start falling ill. Bad dreams, disturbed moods, sleepwalking, full-on psychotic breakdowns - all is not well in the Egg Basket. It quickly becomes apparent that the region is being influenced by some sort of external force. The sensible people leave; the less sensible people cling on and meet with various misfortunes.

(If there is one moral to the Land/Overland trilogy, it seems to be "if you see any hints of trouble, pack your bags and leave NOW, because things will only get worse, and don't expect the government to do anything even minimally-useful".)

Anyway things go from bad to worse, the Egg Basket's mini-society essentially collapses, and then Sondeweere gets abducted by aliens.

Yes, you did read that right. A spaceship turns up and hoovers her up. In context it's not quite as random as it sounds, but it is still quite random.

Anyway this leads Bartan to a decision that he wants to retrieve her from Farland, the third planet in the Land/Overland system. He teams up with Toller, who is now deep into the rebound stage following the implosion of his marriage. Along with Berise and some other acquaintances of Toller's, they construct a spacecraft capable of travelling outside of Land/Overland's mutual atmosphere and set off for Farland. Technically they're under commission from the King; honestly, I got the sense that the King and Queen have simply had enough of Toller's antics, and see this as a convenient way of getting rid of him.

Then reality ensues and they almost die, because nobody on the ship knows anything like as much about either outer space or basic Newtonian physics as they think they do. In fact it turns out no-one has any grasp about continuous acceleration, and they've been running a continuous halvell/pikon thruster-burn for entire days (somehow without running out of fuel, either - apparently the specific impulse on the pikon/halvell reaction is something insanely high?). By the time Sondeweere becomes aware of the ship's situation, it's running at over 100,000 miles per hour and is barely days away from reenacting the Chixculuub meteor on Farland.

Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention - Sondeweere was abducted because her nervous system had become host to an alien parasite (the same one that was causing mass psychosis in the Egg Basket) and she now has superhuman intelligence and telepathic powers. And also, a far better grasp of modern physics than anyone aboard the titular wooden spaceship from Overland. Fortunately, Sondeweere is able to take charge of the situation and arranges something close-ish to a soft landing on Farland - the crew don't enjoy the experience, but they get to walk away from it, and that's about as good as it gets in aerospace incidents!

Anyway my review here is a bit forced, but that's because the last 40% of the novel also feels a bit forced. The pacing is off and the narrative makes some rapid jumps. Honestly TWS's problem is that it's actually not one novel but rather two separate novellas that have been welded together in a particularly-awkward manner. A lot of things aren't really followed up or tied off properly. The fact that Farland is inhabitable and also inhabited turns up quite late in the book and is dealt with in what I felt to be a bit of an unsatisfactory manner. I was also intrigued to find out that all three planets orbit within 42 million miles of their sun. Apparently the star must be some sort of K dwarf, I guess - no, in fact it may well even be a brighter M dwarf, because this is roughly the orbital radius of Mercury! This is odd because the sunlight is never described as being pink-ish. The only thing I can think of is that maybe nuclear fusion also behaves differently in Land/Overland-verse? Perhaps not only is Pi equal to 3 but perhaps smaller stars are hotter and brighter than they would be here? Or maybe everyone's so used to the pink sunlight that no-one thinks to remark on it at any point?

(Canonically they do fuse - in fact Sondeweere actually has a go at explaining nuclear fusion to Bartan and the others at one point, which was thoughtful of her, though sadly the Overlander males remain as obtuse as ever so the effort may have been wasted.)

Anyway overall, I think this book suffers from a bad case of "mid-trilogy syndrome". I'm glad that female characters are handled better here, and I was cheering for Gessalla when she told Toller to fuck off. The extra expansions to the universe were interesting, and it was also interesting to see the gradual consolidation of colonial life on Overland. Madcap as it was, the interplanetary voyage to Farland did have some "big-picture" excitement too. That said, however, the books minuses were continued dropped plot-threads from the previous novel, unevenness in pacing and perhaps also just having too many ideas in a small package.

[petersvibes]

exploring new york - p.p. headcanon

anonymous asked: Hey I have a request for a headcanon! Can you make one where the reader recently moved from Canada and Peter is helping her around NY and through the culture shock of not only being in a new and huge city but a new country! That would be amazing thank you!

warnings: none

author’s note: this was so oddly specific. i’m not canadian but i am a pseudo new yorker so if i used clichés i’m SORRY. this is long too lol 

peter’s first period english class has never been one of his favorites, but on monday morning when you walk in, he’s just about ready to write a goddamn book

you walk in holding your schedule, wearing this red sweater you make into sweater paws, and you look so confused and shocked by everything it’s adorable 

unfortunately, your teacher does that stupid thing where she makes you stand up in front of the class

“hi, i’m (y/n), i’m canadian and i’m going to miss the free healthcare.” 

peter’s the only one who actually laughs

which you take note of

and after class, when you’re late to your next class because you're utterly hopeless and lost, you’re very happy to see that it’s him

because in your mind, he’s now that cute guy in your first period english class

“hey, you’re (y/n) right? you’re new?” 

“new and very, very lost... do you know where room 840 is?” 

“yeah i’ll show you the way there.” 

the walk is brief, but the whole time you’re fighting blushes and grins as you make small talk

“that sweater looks really nice on you.”

“thanks! it’s red because ya know. canadian flag and all.” 

“really?” 

“no, peter that was a joke.” 

when you get to your environmental science class, you’re slightly upset, even

“thanks for your help peter. i’ll catch you later?” 

“yeah. see you around.” 

he never would’ve guessed that one of his late night food runs would’ve resulted in such wonderful outcome

he goes down to the store, wearing a pair of cat pajamas ned got him for his birthday and slippers

his hair is messy and he’s exhausted from a long day of superhero-ing

at this point, he’s throwing random items into the basket, loosely following may’s list

but he recognizes the same red colored sweater he complimented earlier in school, paired not with jeans but with flannel pajamas

“(y/n)? is that you?” 

you turn around, with kind of a sad smile on your face

“hi peter.” 

your voice is so sad sounding that it damn near breaks his heart

“is something wrong?” 

“no it’s just that.. the milk.” 

peter’s confused as he glances between your glistening eyes and the seemingly innocent carrots and gallons before y’all 

“the milk?” 

“you guys don’t have bags.” 

despite the hilarity, he doesn’t laugh because you’re sad and he already knows he hates to see you sad

“we may not have bags but we have cartons” 

“it’s not the same” 

somehow, you end up walking around the market together, both of you in your pajamas but you’re somehow so comfortable together that you don’t even notice 

ok maybe you snickered a little at his cat pajamas while he was getting apples

but he doesn't notice so it’s FINE. 

and honestly both of your errands should’ve taken under half an hour but you’re honestly soaking each other in and it’s great

“your candy selection is... odd to say the least” 

“this is coming from someone who comes from a country where you actively put ketchup on macaroni and cheese” 

“touché” 

only when you’ve circled the market (which you learn is officially called a bodega) three times, do you finally part ways

and you’re both sad in that shy, i’m totally i’m not sad kind of way 

“you know if you’re not busy tomorrow, i was definitely just about to do a new york rekindling tour and i could use a buddy?” 

you definitely have yet to unpack most of your things and have a lot of work to do, but you find yourself agreeing

“i would love to come on your nonfictional ‘new york rekindling tour’”

peter’s beaming so bright by the time he gets home, may isn’t even that mad that he forgot to get the eggs

he’d probably never admit it, but he’s skipping to his bed, his hand splayed over his heart because he’s so damn lightheaded

(admittedly, you’re doing the exact same thing)

he shows up to pick you up the next morning, offering you a hot chocolate which you gratefully accept

“cool tuque” 

“pardon?” 

“the thing? on your head? i like how the tassles don’t really match at all” 

“thanks! my aunt made it for me” 

the bus ride into manhattan is filled with conversation about plots about your favorite tv shows and the music you like

and you pleading with peter that he just has to watch degrassi (greatest show of all time btw) 

and when you get into manhattan you’re in awe at how big and bright everything is 

“look at this! this is the seventh mcdonalds in four blocks!” 

“that shopping center is huge! how many floors do you need?” 

and then when you’re in times square, you say something that makes him choke on one of his nuts 4 nuts

“that dude does not look like spider-man.” 

“you... know about spider-man?” 

“of course! your superhero thing huge back at home.” 

“oh! that’s- that’s cool.” 

but you don’t seem to want to give the topic up, especially when you arrive at the old avengers

“have you ever seen captain america?” 

“uh... only on tv?” 

“what about iron man?” 

“once when i was a kid. and a few more times during my uh.. stark internship.” 

“what was that whole new york alien thing about?”

“that was a pretty wild day” 

“god it must’ve sucked for the people who had to clean that shit up.” 

“yeah i-i i guess.” 

you let it go (much to his relief) when you recognize another one of the monuments you read about, dragging him by the hand and ignoring the butterflies in your tummy

in the span of an afternoon, you have your first official submarine sandwich (which peter insists is called a hero), you learn when to whistle at a taxi and when it’s appropriate to cross the street 

because apparently it’s okay even when there’s stop sign, it’s fine 

the whole time you’re asking him rapid fire questions, but you seem so excited when he answers that he’s happy to

“what’s the village?” 

“what the hell’s an acre” 

“what do you do with all your pennies?” 

“how did you elect him?” 

(peter can’t really answer that one.)

when it’s nearing four o’clock and he knows it’s going to get dark, he reluctantly takes you home 

but it’s okay 

because in the span of seven hours, you’ve become such great friends that you know this is the first time of many

and when��you’re at the door of your brownstone, you make it known

"thank you again for today peter.” 

“thank you for coming with me.” 

“so i’ll see you monday?” 

“first period english?” 

“first period english.”

you smile

he smiles

when your back in your home, you do that movie thing where you slide down the door, landing on your bum 

and you decide that yes, you can definitely get used to this place. 

[northshorehealthandfitness]

The Peculiar State of Fitness Assessments

Assessment.

For all intents and purposes most people don’t like the feeling of being judge – especially by complete strangers. However, when it comes to working with a coach or personal trainer for the first time, an “assessment” is pretty much standard procedure; a means to an end with regards to collecting data to better ascertain someone’s starting point.

Moreover, the assessment, generally, guides the coach to help figure out the safest and most efficient path for a client to reach his or her’s goal(s).1

I feel many of us are approaching it the wrong way.

Copyright: microgen / 123RF Stock Photo

The Peculiar State of Fitness Assessments

I am not writing this as an attack against assessment

Likewise I am also not here to say one way or the other how you should assess your clients.

I don’t care if your assessment of choice is the Functional Movement Screen, the Selective Functional Movement Assessment, PRI (Postural Restoration Institute), DNS (Dynamic Neuromuscular Stabilization), FRC (Functional Range Conditioning), whatever institutions like NASM or ACE prefer, or, I don’t know, duck-duck-goose.

Everything has it’s strengths and weaknesses.

More to the point, I would think that as people progress through their careers they’d take it upon themselves to actively change their minds the more they learn and gain experience, experiment, and to “cherry pick” a little from here and a little from there to best fit their philosophy and approach to training.

Ideally “assessment” should be a smorgasbord of reaches, rolls, carries, squats, hinges, toe touches, twists, presses, and bicep curls (<— only half kidding on that last one), among other things.

Here is Gray Cook’s definition of assessment (a good one, mind you):

“In the assessment you take your education background, your professional wisdom, the particular situation, the time constraints, other historical information like a medical history or previous problems…and put all that together. That’s an assessment.”

Pretty hard to disagree with that, right?

Here’s my lame attempt:

“Can the person sitting/standing in front of you do stuff?”

I’m not tossing darts at everyone, but I do find that the bulk of fitness professionals out there use the initial assessment as an opportunity to search every crevasse (not that crevasse, get your mind out of the gutter), nook & cranny, and area of the body for “dysfunction.”

Many use the assessment as an opportunity to demonstrate to someone how much of a walking ball of fail they are.

“Okay Mr. Jones here’s what we got: your hip flexors are tight, you have forward head posture, you lack frontal plane stability, you lack ample scapular upward rotation, your left big toe has zero dorsiflexion, you have weak glutes, you’re quad dominant, your shoulders are slightly internally rotated, you’re probably gluten intolerant, your wife is cheating on you, and I’m about 37% convinced you have cancer.

If you purchase a 24 pack you’ll save $13 per session. Whataya say?”

via GIPHY

Some of the above may be relevant and stuff you should focus on as a trainer. I mean, I’m not going to sit here and belabor someone for wanting to improve someone’s thoracic spine mobility.

However, if I were the person listening to that and some trainer spewed out some laundry list of things I suck at or need to improve on……

I’d be like “fuck off.”

Be Careful of Being Told to “Fuck Off.”

My biggest pet-peeve when it comes to assessment, though, is when coaches/trainers place waaaaaaaaaay too much emphasis on someone’s resting/static posture.

Lets revisit the picture from above.

Many high-end gyms implement this advanced form of “postural assessment” as an up-sell to seduce more people to purchase training.

Said individual stands in front of a giant gridded screen and is then hooked up with a bunch of probes and what not that are placed at strategic locations around the body that bloop and bleep.

It’s reminiscent of one the most terrifying movies I have ever seen, Fire in the Sky.

Remember that one?

You know, that alien abduction movie from the early 90’s where the main character is relentlessly poked and prodded by a bunch of aliens on their spaceship?

It’s effed up.

Anyways, I can’t help but be reminded of that movie whenever I see someone being told to stand in front of a grid so some trainer can scrutinize every inch of their posture in the hopes they’ll be hired to “fix” it.

Who says it needs to be fixed in the first place?

A few weeks ago I saw a photograph shared by Fort Worth, TX based physical therapist, Dr. Jarod Hall which I felt hammered this point home.

Here’s what he said/posted:

“I want everybody to look closely at this picture and tell me what you see…”

“I see 20 of the world’s top athletes that have tremendous range of motion, strength, body control, and physical capacity… Yet all have significant variances in their static posture as determined by the holy grail plumb-line.

Static posture is near worthless to measure for injury or pain prediction.”

Placing all your eggs into one basket – in this case static posture, which a lot of fitness professionals do – is unfortunate.

Posture is a position, it’s not a death sentence.

To steal from another really smart physical therapist, Dr. Quinn Henoch, “posture will always be relative to two things: the task at hand and load.”

If you’re not taking into consideration those two things during an assessment – in addition to movement, repetition, speed, etc – and you’re only assessing people based off static posture, well, you’re not smart.

The question, then, is….”what should an assessment look like or consist of?”

via GIPHY

I don’t know.

Like I said: you know your clients better than I do.

I know one thing is for sure: it would behoove any fitness pro to get their clients moving.

I am not saying you shouldn’t take static posture into consideration or that it’s a complete waste of time.

In the end, it’s all information.

However, LOAD is a game changer when it comes to assessment – especially as it relates to movement (and yes, even posture).

Far too many coaches are reticent to load their clients on Day #1.

As an example most people stink at a bodyweight squat, and we’re quick to assign some arbitrary number that they feel ends up defining them.

Add load.

Goblet Squat

Plate Loaded Front Squat

Almost always there’s a dramatic improvement.

Sha-ZAM….you just showed someone success and that they’re not broken. Now THAT’s an assessment.

Add load. Add variety of movement. Don’t rely solely on static posture to assess your clients.

Just, don’t.

The post The Peculiar State of Fitness Assessments appeared first on Tony Gentilcore.

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The Peculiar State of Fitness Assessments

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Assessment.

For all intents and purposes most people don’t like the feeling of being judge – especially by complete strangers. However, when it comes to working with a coach or personal trainer for the first time, an “assessment” is pretty much standard procedure; a means to an end with regards to collecting data to better ascertain someone’s starting point.

Moreover, the assessment, generally, guides the coach to help figure out the safest and most efficient path for a client to reach his or her’s goal(s).

I feel many of us are approaching it the wrong way.

Copyright: microgen / 123RF Stock Photo

The Peculiar State of Fitness Assessments

I am not writing this as an attack against assessment

Likewise I am also not here to say one way or the other how you should assess your clients.

I don’t care if your assessment of choice is the Functional Movement Screen, the Selective Functional Movement Assessment, PRI (Postural Restoration Institute), DNS (Dynamic Neuromuscular Stabilization), FRC (Functional Range Conditioning), whatever institutions like NASM or ACE prefer, or, I don’t know, duck-duck-goose.

Everything has it’s strengths and weaknesses.

More to the point, I would think that as people progress through their careers they’d take it upon themselves to actively change their minds the more they learn and gain experience, experiment, and to “cherry pick” a little from here and a little from there to best fit their philosophy and approach to training.

Ideally “assessment” should be a smorgasbord of reaches, rolls, carries, squats, hinges, toe touches, twists, presses, and bicep curls (<— only half kidding on that last one), among other things.

Here is Gray Cook’s definition of assessment (a good one, mind you):

“In the assessment you take your education background, your professional wisdom, the particular situation, the time constraints, other historical information like a medical history or previous problems…and put all that together. That’s an assessment.”

Pretty hard to disagree with that, right?

Here’s my lame attempt:

“Can the person sitting/standing in front of you do stuff?”

I’m not tossing darts at everyone, but I do find that the bulk of fitness professionals out there use the initial assessment as an opportunity to search every crevasse (not that crevasse, get your mind out of the gutter), nook & cranny, and area of the body for “dysfunction.”

Many use the assessment as an opportunity to demonstrate to someone how much of a walking ball of fail they are.

“Okay Mr. Jones here’s what we got: your hip flexors are tight, you have forward head posture, you lack frontal plane stability, you lack ample scapular upward rotation, your left big toe has zero dorsiflexion, you have weak glutes, you’re quad dominant, your shoulders are slightly internally rotated, you’re probably gluten intolerant, your wife is cheating on you, and I’m about 37% convinced you have cancer.

If you purchase a 24 pack you’ll save $13 per session. Whataya say?”

via GIPHY

Some of the above may be relevant and stuff you should focus on as a trainer. I mean, I’m not going to sit here and belabor a coach for wanting to improve a client’s thoracic spine mobility.

However, if I were the person listening to some laundry list of things I suck at or need to improve on, I’d be like………

………..”fuck off.”

Be Careful of Being Told to “Fuck Off.”

There’s much I can wax poetic on when it comes to the topic of assessment. My biggest pet-peeve, though, is when coaches/trainers place waaaaaaaaaay too much emphasis on someone’s resting/static posture.

Lets revisit the picture from above.

Many high-end gyms implement this advanced form of “postural assessment” as an up-sell to seduce more people to purchase training.

Said individual stands in front of a giant gridded screen and is then hooked up with a bunch of probes and what not that are placed at strategic locations around the body that bloop and bleep.

It’s reminiscent of one the most terrifying movies I have ever seen, Fire in the Sky.

Remember that one?

You know, that alien abduction movie from the early 90’s where the main character is relentlessly poked and prodded by a bunch of aliens on their spaceship?

It’s effed up.

Anyways, I can’t help but be reminded of that movie whenever I see someone being told to stand in front of a grid so some trainer can scrutinize every inch of their posture in the hopes they’ll be hired to “fix” it.

Who says it needs to be fixed in the first place?

A few weeks ago I saw a photograph shared by Fort Worth, TX based physical therapist, Dr. Jarod Hall which I felt hammered this point home.

Here’s what he said/posted:

“I want everybody to look closely at this picture and tell me what you see…”

“I see 20 of the world’s top athletes that have tremendous range of motion, strength, body control, and physical capacity… Yet all have significant variances in their static posture as determined by the holy grail plumb-line.

Static posture is near worthless to measure for injury or pain prediction.”

Placing all your eggs into one basket – in this case static posture, which a lot of fitness professionals do – is unfortunate.

Posture is a position, it’s not a death sentence.

To steal from another really smart physical therapist, Dr. Quinn Henoch, “posture will always be relative to two things: the task at hand and load.”

If you’re not taking into consideration those two things during an assessment – in addition to movement, repetition, speed, etc – and you’re only assessing people based off static posture, well, you’re not smart.

The question, then, is….”what should an assessment look like or consist of?”

via GIPHY

I don’t know.

Like I said: you know your clients better than I do.

I know one thing is for sure: it would behoove any fitness pro to get their clients moving.

I am not saying you shouldn’t take static posture into consideration or that it’s a complete waste of time.

In the end, it’s all information.

However, LOAD is a game changer when it comes to assessment – especially as it relates to movement (and yes, even posture).

Far too many coaches are reticent to load their clients on Day #1.

As an example most people stink at a bodyweight squat, and we’re quick to assign some arbitrary number that they feel ends up defining them.

Add load.

Goblet Squat

Plate Loaded Front Squat

Almost always there’s a dramatic improvement.

Sha-ZAM….you just showed someone success and that they’re not broken. Now THAT’s an assessment.

Add load. Add variety of movement. Don’t rely solely on static posture to assess your clients.

Just, don’t.

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