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ithoughtthiswastwitterbutfr · 3 years

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Shang Chi Spoilers

Feel like I’ve waited long enough to post my Shang Chi movie ramblings cause I took notes during it. Idk how to do read more on mobile so just scroll down fast sorry

“No wifi so I’m doing this in my notes app rn

There’s a Eternals trailer now I think cause it’s marvel

Oh yeah they just said it.

They were talking about Thanos and they’re asking why they didn’t help

God I remember reading about them for something I was writing

So ready to see them in a movie

Angelia Jolie is so pretty

ITS STARTING AHHH

ima take notes and kinda just scream about it here until my phone dies and I only have 27%

Normal Marvel into not the what if one

Okay backstory or a legend of the ten rings

Power hungry man owns them sounds about right

That was 10s of thousands of years ago tho

OH wait he’s immortal

Killer Trees cool

Wanna look up who write and directed this but again the wifi sucks

This girl is badass tho one in the green dress

This is stating to feel romancey

Yep it was they fell in love and had a baby

Shang Chi

Feels like the moms gonna die but Shang Chi is like 10 here

But it’s a marvel movie she’s dying

I HAVE NO WIFI SO I CANT SCAN THE COOL PRESENT DAY SONG

Katy is so cool

They’re bringing up the Blip again I know it was huge but im annoyed

EW OLD TOWN ROAD MADE A CAMEO

Katy lives with her mom

Ooo they have in California

THE TRAILER FIGHT

AHHHH

There’s a one arm guy

Or one wrist ig

ITS a knife now cool

aaakakak They bus drivers going s fast

Did laptop girl get to save her research paper

Shang driving the bus now

Okay Jatys driving now

Bus is sepersting

THEY TOOK HIS PENDANT

they’re going after his sister

His dad is still evil and power hungry

He’s going to find his sister

Yep te mom died and he’s still 10

Okay he’s being trained and I think his sister is training on her own shes probably like the rightful owner of the rings or smth idk

Katy is a ride or die

Bus video went viral AHHH hes bus boY WORLD STAR

They’re making

HOLY SHIT ITS WONG

HES FIGHTING A MONSTER THINH

HE CHOPPED HIS HAND OFF

God I love him I missed him

San fransisco say hi to Cassie for me

ITS GONNA BE HIS SISTER

THE FIGHTER

I KNEW IT

she’s made at him for leaving I bet.

Kicked him in the balls

She told him he shouldn’t have come back

Aww young her misses mom

She’s asking him not to leave awww

He said he’ll be back

Liar 🤔🤔🤣🤣😭😭😩😩🥺🥺🙄

She didn’t send the post card

20%

They gotta leave out the window that building is so tall and she looked down

Shang is so cool

AJAJAKAK KATY IS SINGING HIGHWAY TO HELL

NOO SHES FALLINH

HIS SISTER CAUGHT HER THANK GOD

NOW THEY FIGHTING TOGETHER AWW

Marvel loves this sibling rivalry things

THE GUY THAT TRAINED SHANG IS HERE

both pendants are gone know

HIS DAD IS HERE

ANAJAJKA my alarm just went off embarrassing

Xia is building her own empire

Family dinner scene Black Widow parallels

Story of a name hmm

Their wedding pictures are so pretty

They looked like a cute family while the mom was still there

He said their mother is still there in Ta Lo

They need to save her.

Idk if he’s lying or not.

Immortal guy is a true narcissist blaming a village on his actions and being a shitty dad.

THEYRE PENDANTS ARE MAGICAL

Liverpool Trevor oh from BRO ITS THE GUY FROM IRON MAN the one who played the mandarin terrorist was that iron 3 or two? I missed his hobo sell. But I hated the iron man and first two Thor movies so

Maurice can take them monster guy magical

Xia broke them out

Fancy car

Made it through the killer trees good job Katy

Whoa the CGI is so cool oh my god

Tai Loa is beautiful

AWWW MAURICE IS HOME HIS FAMILY

THE DRAGON HORSES THINGYS AWW

GIANT LION DRAGON?? Idk what those are. The villagers are all standing “guard” idk maybe.

Okay moms name is Ying Lu

Magic weapons

THEIR AUNT aww she’s hugging them.

Keepers of dark gate he’s tryna open the gate

There’s an evil behind it and the rings want him to open it???

Dweller of Darkness ima look that up

A dragon is the great protector

Dragon Scales are used as armor

They’re being lured by a voice soul eaters.

The magic animals are so cute

KARY HAS A FANNY PACK

She’s so adorable

“If yiu aim at nothing you hit nothing”

SHANG’s armor from the trailer they just got it. AWW XIA GETS TO TRAIN

You go Katy almost getting a bullseye

You got a cool ass auntie Shang

They have to know who they are for the magic to work.

Must face both light and darkness to know yourself

She’s sending her kids away to be self sacrificial to the iron gang

NOO SHANG IS GONNA WATCH

She just made a perfect circle with her foot

Shang is crying my her body noooo

He’s comforting Xia

“A blood death has to be paid by blood”

HE KILLED THE GUY

HE LIED

I BET HE DID

I KNEW IT

I KNEW IT AHHHHH

He’s gonna kill he’s dad

Yep

All of his sentences are so predictable

They’re fighting the dads army now

Gotta feeling Katy is gonna do smth to save the day

I bet the dads gonna succeeded just to mess up the multiverse even more darkness is gonna give it.

Wow he just “killed” his son

Okay The Dad is at the dark gate

THE DARK BATS ARE OUT

I KNEW HE WAS GONNA OPEN IT

The bat is gonna kill him

EW IT TOOK HIS SOUL

They regenerate they’re so ugly

They’re stealing souls okay.

Yeah Katy goes to help

He knows himself while his drowning idk

Remember Katy “you aim at nothing you hit nothing”

The scene where he’s sinking is beautiful

Think he found a tunnel

Nvm he found his moms dragon

YAY it’s eating those ugly bats

I think Shang is speaking to it

He did his moms circle foot thing ima look up what that’s called later

aww he knows himself now he’s like figntninh with his mom too.

The Mandarin was playing dead and Maurice was checking on him aww

THE THINHS ARE FLOATING AROUND SHANG

HE HAS THE TIGHT TO THEM NOW.

HE FOUND HIS CENTER AND HIMSELF FR FR NOW

WAIT NO

HE HAS HIS OWN RINGD

HE MADE THEM I THINK

the dad punched the ground and now the theater is shaking.

The dad lost his rings

Shang is badass doing all this after just learning about it.

He didn’t kill his dad he threw the rings on the floor.

He decided he’s not worth it.

THE DWELLER IS ALMOST OUT

NVM IY IS OUT

ITS SO UGLY

UT TOOK AND ATE THE DADS SOUL

must’ve tasted nasty

HE GAVE SHANG THE RINGS

AHAJAJAKAK

Shang folded that mf and Xialing is riding a dragon

Cool

The dragon did smth and the water is swallowing it

NOO

it got more souls it’s stronger

I think it’s almost Katy’s time to shine

HER MENTOD DEAD NOOO

is it just me or have directors had no qualms about killing and introducing characters in the same moving

KATY DID IT

SHE HAD HER MOMENT

AHHHHH she shot the throat. You go girl

He put the rings in the dweller in the whirlpool thing and he’s destroying them I think.

Yep it exploded

Nasty

Dragon got Shang

It was very refreshing to not have the main character have a romance plot.

They’re telling the story and their friends think they’re insane

No one believes them

WONG

WONG IS BEHIND THEM

AWWW MY BABY

HAHA here present

Katy and Shang are being recruited

. Katy always had such cool pants”

#shang chi #shang chi spoilers

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ofviictories · 6 years

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#「･ﾟ × ･ * this bitch EMPTY! ― ooc. 」#「･ﾟ × ･ * i became the bad part of town ― victoria creed. 」#「･ﾟ × ･ * sooner or later your human side loses ― insp. 」

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voltronprompted · 7 years

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Falling

In which the war is over and the paladins come back to Earth (Voltron is no longer needed)

The paladins (and others) come home to find they may have lost their most important thing back on Earth.

Huge disclaimer: Just angst.

Also, this is just me writing down my ideas as they come so I may or may not actually write this out as a story.

Keith

Honestly, it'd be hard to find something for Keith, maybe a place he frequented or something, idk or he knows that he'll come back to nothing so he doesn't really expect to feel any sort of despair when he just goes back to his shack but he finds it really difficult to even leave the castle once they arrive back on Earth because...well, because when he was on Earth, he was a drop out. He dropped out (or was kicked out, I can't remember for sure) of the Garrison, and after he left the Garrison he had the motive, the curiosity of what that thing (which ended up being the blue lion) was that gave him any real motive and he felt so useful, he felt alive for an actual reason when he became the red paladin, when he was chosen to be the new leader in place of shiro (no matter how much he didn't want it, he still felt like he had a purpose, which was to save the universe from the Galra), even when he joined the Blade of Marmora because for once he felt like he'd finally found where he belonged but now the war is over, the Blade of Marmora no longer are rebelling agains the Galra because they're not a threat anymore, and neither is Voltron so when he stands in the doorway separating him from the grounds of Earth and the clean floors of the castle he hesitates and it takes him so long to finally step out of the castle because oh god I have nothing waiting for me, I know this but I really have nothing waiting for me, no purpose, no reason to live and he just stands there, in front of the castle, not even a foot away, but facing away from it with the most lost look on his face because do I even have a reason to live anymore? The answer is, no, he really doesn't. So, only 3 centimeters away from the castle, he falls to his knees, his face in his hands and he can't stop shaking because the tears won't stop dripping out of his eyes despite him promising himself no, I said I wouldn't cry! before they even arrived on earth because now he really doesn't have anything waiting for him back at earth; no home, no family, and no purpose.

Lance

Lance is easy. He goes home expecting to find the open arms of his family but all he finds are strangers in the place he used to call "home" to tell him that the previous homeowners slowly deteriorated from the loss of their son, the light of their lives, and were officially announced missing approximately a year after his own disappearance and up to this day there are still no leads, not a single one, as to what might have happened to them and that just hurts because he was so excited to just come home and in his mind, on his way to his "home" he'd been thinking about everything he'd tell his family and oh boy I have so much to tell you guys, just you wait! but there's no one to tell these amazing stories to, no one to introduce his amazing friends, new and old, to, there's just no one, there is no one there waiting for me and it hurts it just hurts because ever since the day he'd found Blue all he'd wanted was contact, contact with his family so he could tell them I'm safe, I'm sound, and gosh I have so much, just so many things to say and Lance realizes he's repeating the same thing over and over again even in his head and he can't stop the tears from falling as he just keeps repeating I have so many things to say, I have so much to tell you and at some point he's not even sure if he's thinking it or saying it out loud but it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter who's looking at him weirdly, it doesn't matter who's worriedly-or maybe they weren't worried at all, just annoyed because who ever cared about me anyway?-backing away from him, it just it doesn't matter because even if it did, who would he have to tell? Not his missing family, that's for sure.

Here’s another take on Lance’s loss back on Earth :)

Pidge feat. Matt

Pidge and Matt (unfortunately they were too late for their father, sam) go back home, expecting to surprise their (probably) mourning mother with their open arms and just their existence (surpise, we’re alive! sorry for disappearing without a single word or trace and leaving you worried and thinking you’re alone for over a year!) but they find out she fell into major depression from the loss of her family and either commited suicide or died from broken heart syndrome only a few days ago so their house is still theirs and they can't bring themselves to sell their house because there are just so many things they can’t let go of, not yet, not ever, so they live there but every time they walk down the stairs or they come down to eat breakfast, the smell of familiar food reminds them of their mother's cooking, how she'd always kiss them on their foreheads before they left for work/school regardless of how much they'd protest as they came of age and they just fall into their own kind of depression because if only we could've told her, if only we could've let her know that we're alive, we're safe, that we'll come back, if only we’d come sooner because they both know if they had come just a few days earlier their mother would still be alive, would still be making them breakfast that smells good enough to wake them up from their sleep, would still be giving them her daily forehead pecks before they left and they mourn the loss of their mother who they can't help but feel died because of them, and died thinking only the worst, with no one by her side.

Hunk

Hunk will also be hard, considering there's not much about his background known...since he likes cooking so much, maybe his favorite bakery or restaurant or something is closed down and reconstructing for a different shop or just closed down and the lights are off, the doors are blocked with wood that's been nailed onto it so no one can go in and it's just gone, it's there but it's gone (so close yet so far) and at first it doesn't affect Hunk as much besides the fact that “aw, I used to like eating there...guess I'll have to find a new place" but no matter how many "new places" he goes to it's just, it's just not the same it doesn't taste right, maybe this salad is just a little too sweet or this steak tastes just a little too bland and it's not enough but it's enough to make him reminisce back to when he'd go to that cafe/restaurant to have a nice meal with his friends (Lance and Pidge) after a tough day at the Garrison or just when he'd want to treat himself out or when he's feeling a little down, no especially when he's feeling a little (probably a lot if he's going alone) down the food always was able to cheer him right back up but no it's gone, it's gone now and it won't come back, it's never coming back oh god what have I done? and he knows it's not my fault the place closed down but it feels like it is because he was gone for so long, he wasn't there to protect it, and even if he couldn't, at least he could have been there when it closed down, he could have talked to the owner, asked them for their recipe, something just be right there but he couldn't, he was gone saving the damn universe from the stupid Galra and tears well up in his eyes as he's eating the steak that's just a little too bland because oh god, why me? why me why did the yellow lion have to choose me? and after a moment of crying he sets his fork and knife down, pays for the meal, and leaves with the steak just a little too bland left on his plate, almost looking untouched because he just doesn't have an appetite anymore and he trudges his way home, no Lance to cheer him up with his annoying (but Hunk never thought it was annoying, it was always amusing to watch him try to land one) flirting because he's mourning the disappearance of his family, no Pidge to distract him with her love for the technoligical advancements of the castle because she's still with Matt, trying so desperately not to blame themselves for the death of their mother but they know it's futile because in the end, it really was them that killed their mother, and no Shiro to give him that dad-smile he seems to have no trouble giving his friends when he knows they need a bit of cheering up because he's dealing with his own things, and Hunk realizes oh god, I have no friends, no one cares about me, they've all disappeared...just like the restaurant/cafe did and it takes all of his remaining, yet small amount of, willpower to stop himself from just jumping in front of the fast moving vehicle that zoomed past him because it's just a restaurant, why am I acting like this? There's always a new place but no, there isn't a new place. There is no replacement. It's just gone, and gone is one thing Hunk thinks cooking will never fix.

Shiro

ugh Shiro is hard too bloody hell I mean he's already lost so much the only thing I can think of him mourning is the fact that he doesn't have a home at all to go back to because out of the five of them, he's been gone the longest so not only does he have no family to wait for him (cus most likely he was single when he left for the Kerberos mission and not much is known about his family so it's safe to say they're just out of the picture, gone, nada) and now he also has no home because if anything it's probably been sold to some other family or smth because no one is going to wait 2+ years (let alone one) for a missing man to pay his bills let's be real so he has no family, no home, and honestly, besides the paladins probably no friends so he just mourns for himself, for the lack of a home to go back to, for the lack of open arms waiting for him regardless of who it is, for just being gone for so long that no one remembers him and oh god heartbreak okay nevermind I guess Shiro's is pretty easy to write.

Allura

I can write one for Allura too (if I write for Allura then I am most dEFINITELY writing one for Coran too cus ain't nobody gonna skip out on Coran Coran the gorgeous man) I guess but since Allura isn't from Earth (she's from Altea, duh) and she's already lost everything (except Coran Coran the gorgeous man, which, is really the only reason she was able to remain sane and alive after waking up ten thousand years subsequent to the destruction of her home because in all honestly, if she was left alone, if she woke up to find out she was the only Altean alive, that oh god, not even Coran survived then let's be real, she'd have broken) so I guess the only thing she really has left to lose is Coran and the paladins whom she'll admit she's found a safe spot for them in her heart that she knows nothing will replace and nothing can replace and so when they finally arrive back on Earth after their hard fought war, Allura expects them all to be happy, to go back to their familes with happy tears in their eyes and the last thing she expects is for all of them to look lost, to feel despair, to not know what to do with their lives, to feel so much loss over such an easily replaceable thing but that's exactly what she witnesses happening and she just can't stop the feeling of her heart being ripped out of her skin as she watches Keith just kinda deteriorate in front of the castle, not even able to get 3 centimeters away from the platform, as she watches Lance's face full of excitement, hope, and longing turn into something she could only describe as something her face probably looked like when she found out Altea is gone, her home is gone, her father is gone when he found out his family is nowhere to be found, as she listens to Matt's and Pidge's cries for their lost mother, as she sees hunk's disappointment turn into loss, as she witnesses Shiro's strong demeanor crumble away to reveal the broken man he's become and no matter how much Coran coaxes her, telling her otherwise, she can't help but think it's my fault, it's my fault they're all feeling like this, if only I hadn't forced them into becoming paladins, if only I hadn't told them they're the universe's only hope, if only I wasn't so hung up on my own stupid loss then they wouldn't be like this, they wouldn't feel so lost, so depressed, so gone and her own feet betray her, making her buckle down to her knees despite being a princess who's spent a lot of her life learning about standing up straight and proper manners, no, right now all she can do is cry on her knees in the middle of the lounge of the castle where she can remember all the paladins sitting, relaxed and laughing at their own earthly jokes that she's learned over time, wishing, begging to turn back time so they wouldn't feel the way they all do now.

Coran

Okay well I guess since I made one for Allura I'll have to go on to Coran Coran the gorgeous man...this is gonna be hard considering besides his obnoxious personality (and mustache) I really don’t know much about him but we do know that Lance is his favorite paladin so when they return to Earth he's all excited to meet Lance's family who he's sure are as wonderful and excellent as his favorite paladin is only to find they're not even there and the blue paladin is falling, breaking before his own eyes and he can't bring himself to say anything because what could I say to someone who just lost his entire family? and he thinks it's best that he says nothing because eventually Lance will get over it but Lance doesn't get over it (duh) and if anything Lance falls deeper and deeper into the darkness until eventually he's just not there anymore, he's not dead, no Lance didn't-couldn’t-commit suicide because despite everything he just can't bring himself kill himself because he's so scared even though he feels-or knows-he has every right to, no, every reason to but he just can't, he's just so scared, and that only adds more pain to him and Coran watches this, still keeping his obnoxious mouth shut (for once) because what could I possibly do to make a mourning child feel better? and he can only bring himself to try to be positive, leading him to think that Lance is probably (hopefully) the only one having this much of a hard time so he goes to Allura only to find oh no she's not doing any better than his favorite paladin is because she's blaming, she's blaming herself, she's blamed herself so much that now she is convinced that the fault of the paladins' despair is her fault and no matter how much Coran tries to remind her, no, no dear child, sweet child it is not your fault, please, please stop blaming yourself, please, just please stop crying and when she buckles down to her knees that's when realization hits Coran like a boulder that's fallen off a cliff that no matter how much he tries to lie to himself saying everything will get better with time because bloody hell despite his strongest attempts to ignore it, to just not believe in it time won't solve anything, nothing will get better, and worst of all, it'll just keep getting worse, and worse, and worse...being the oldest adult among them he tries, oh god he tries so hard not to fall with them, because as the adult I must be the helping hand to pull them up and out of this darkness but how can he be the helping hand when he's the one pulling them down? so he stops trying, he stops foldering his own feelings away, he just stops and...well that's it. he stops...really, in this situation what could he really do? though it's been years, Coran has never truly had the time to mourn the loss of Altea, he never truly had the time to mourn the loss of his own family that he knows for a fact perished along with his previous home what with fighting the war against the Galra and all and with it having been past over a year since he'd woken up from that pod and immediately went into fighting stance against his favorite paladin he'd assumed well it's been such a long time, I must have moved on but seeing the paladins, seeing his favorite paladin, seeing Allura broken into a mess-most indubitably the effect of having fallen and landing hard into the darkness-brings back all the grieving he'd missed out on and he begins to think maybe, just maybe if only King Alfor hadn't put me in that pod beside Allura I could have done something to help time figure out the many issues it can not solve and maybe, just maybe, these paladins would not have broken, would not have fallen into this darkness in the first place.

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rbbtrd · 7 years

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I Love Healing

i wrote this when i was tryin to vent but i have no idea how to fuckin vent so instead i. tried to write out healings entire bg lmao a lot of brain stuff was goin on so it might not b. the best piece of literature uve ever read

some misc facts and other htings might b missing bc (points at how fucked my brain was and also how fuckin VAST healings character is and how much development he has)

//warnin theres kinda crass and sensitive language or whatever and there will b mentions of diff kinds of abuse in his story and other not good things under cut so my bad but i wasnt in a good state of mind and tryin to tag n warn u abt it all is skjncfdvav plus this was a vent post for me originally anyways lmao

//another warning lmao under the cut is a Wall Of Text there is a LOT of stuff under cut like 6000+ words so like. warned ya my pals

healing is my favorite fuckin oc and p much. why i fuckin stay alive sknfsef he means so so much to me and has so much meaning to me and is very very very very very very very important to me i fucking Love healing okay i project a lot (i.e All Of Myself) onto healing so he is p much almost quite literally me and vice versa but also not rlly??? its weird and complicated lmao i Love this man tho no one will ever love him more than i do i will fuckin Fight you hes so improtant to me

he is 57 yrs old, his birthday is march 17 but also dec 5th (its complicated) but mostly march 17, his favorite color is red not only bc im projecting but his first loves fav color was also red, he is 5″7 ft tall, hes very silly and kooky and tries his best to become happy and heal and learn and atone for what hes done and expereinced, he LOVES the sea and the ocean and anything relating them like the sea/ocean is very very very important to him for multiple reasons, also loves rabbits and goats and has 2 pet goats (i like to call em his service animals lol)

healing was born to both pure blood tiefling parents, his mother was a servant/slave that belonged on a ship and his father basically just knocked her up, he never met or knew anything about his father other than that he was a tiefling and misc stuff his mom/other servants had told him. his dad is mordecai ahkrah and hes chaotic evil and genuinely a very fucking awful person, his mom is ariarei kallies and is just?? kinda a chatoic neutral, maybe more of a lawful evil, but she has a very bad selfish personality and nasty. she holds no maternal feelings for healing and only sees him as a nuisance and only takes care of him (taking care of him means. The Bare Minimum. i.e- makin sure hes just Not Dead) bc she has to and kinda forcced to. healing does not see ariarei as his mother, but “as the woman who birthed me / brought me into this world” and stuff like that and therefore holds no feelings towards her like a child would w their mother, over the years, healing considers the ocean/sea as his mother more than ariarei and is more emotionally connected to the sea

healings mom actually never named him, he was nameless/had no name up until the age of 27-28. both his mom and the owners of the ship and whoever hired him always only ever called him “boy”, “child”, “it”, “thing”, “errand boy”, “chore boy”, and names like that bc he never had a name and no one bothered to give him one. both his mom and the owners/ppl who hired him treated him very very poorly and did abuse him frequently in many different ways and manners (lmao projects myself onto my oc) so he has a lot of feelings and experiences w lots of kinds of traumas and abuse

he most specifically received a lot of physical abuse especially from ppl and verbal abuse, some but not too much emotional abuse, and also a handful of sexual abuse. at the time, he thought it was fine and normal and did not realized he was being abused bc “this is just how life is” bc he had literally. never heard of or experienced anything else other than a shit life.

he didnt rlly think anything of the poor treatment or the abuse bc this was all he ever knew, he grew up this way, so he thought it was normal and thought everyone didnt feel anything and if they did OF COURSE theyd b negative feelings, bc thats all u (healing at the time) r capable of feeling. he doesnt get out of this mentality until hes around 18-22

he receives a handful of scars and marks from his time as a servant, he got his first scar when he was a literal Baby bc he was cryin out and his ma got mad and upset abt and scratched his face thus resulting in his lip scar. when he was like 5-7 he met this other servant kid who had The Very Opposite mindset he had and was v bright and optimistic and he dragged healing along when he played and he broke smth and healing took the cover not bc he wanted to save this kid but bc it would be less troublesome bc then the current owner would only have to punish 1 child and the other kid was well liked on the ship unlike healing so then the morale of the servants wouldnt be affected. the owner beat him up p bad but it Wasnt Enough so he smashed healings face into the wooden boards so hard it Broke The Board and also broke his right horn, this also gave his scarring above his brow and stuff up to the broken horn. another prominent scar he has that holds memory to him is the scar on his chest above his heart, where he got that from a case where he was sexually abused and his abuser threatened to tear out his heart if he kept bein a brat. he has NO SCARS on his tail tho, but thats literally bc up until he was w morgan, he was just Lucky in not havin his tail injured. from the time he met morgan and beyond, he then started to actively protect his tail from harm and from ppl touchin it bc morgan said he rlly liked his tail and how it looked and how cool it was and from then on hes liek Oh

he constantly worked when he was of age to and started w small things and worked up to doin manual labor and other things, he only stayed w his mom up until the age of 11-12, after that they were separately sold to different ships and never saw eaqch other again. from that point on, he was switched around a few different ships and buyers, but was otherwise was still just treated as cargo and property like he had been the past few years.

the ship he was on at the age of 17 was stopped and liberated by a man named morgan wake (also can be written as morgain), a human sailor captain (some kind of good, leanin on neutral or chaotic) who specializes in trade, cargo, and just transportation, but also will sell his abilities to fight/go into war or battle and liberates slave ships on his free time lol morgan becomes a Very Very Very important person to healing and is ESSENTIAL to shaping healing into who he is now. healing slowly falls in love with morgan over the years, but never tells morgan abt these feelins bc 1) he doesnt kno what the FUCk hes feelin lmao this boy has only experienced negative emotions and feelings up until he met morgan and 2) he thinks morgan will think hes weird or wrong or gross or smth. healing had absolutealy NO PLACE and NO ONE to go to after he was liberated so morgan saw this and was like Hey. You Should Come Work Under Me For MY Ship. morgan is a BIG BIG BIG guy on justice and equality and stuff for ALL PEOPLE and EVERYONE so this is also a reason why he let healing onto his ship of mostly humans and half-elves and halflings and also this part abt morgan rubs off on healing so healing also becomes a big guy on justice and equality and stuff

the ship morgan owns is a Lil prejudiced againt tieflings so they arent jumpin for joy when morgan makes healing his first mate at the age of 19 bc theyre. Gently Racist over tieflings but morgan kicks their ass and makes healing his first mate and right hand man anyways. at this point, healing is still nameless bc morgan tells him “i cant give you a name, a name is really important, its your identity and what makes you YOU, its ur soul and ur dreams and ur hopes, its YOU, you hear a name and u think of that person etc etc etc” and rlly cheesy stuff like that pertaining to names so morgan is Vehemently against naming healing and instead calls him “buddy”, “pal”, “friend”, “best friend”, “first mate”, “mate”, and other various nicknames made over the years. he was very adamant on having healing name himself and refused to call him by a name that someone else gave him bc healing told him abt his mom and how he said that his mom wasnt rlly a mother in the first place

morgan knows Everything abt healing and healing w him vice versa bc when they first met and healing was still in his Uhm Nothing Matters Ill Tell You Everything mindset, he told morgan the story abt all his scars and what has happened to him up until that point and what people have done to him. morgan is truly very genuinely heartbroken over this?? bc healing was just Born into this world of shit and awful things that he didnt deserve and also the fact that healing just spoke of his abuse so freely and casually as if it meant nothing and didnt matter and healings view on his own life and life in general due to how he has lived so far and morgan makes it his personal mission to help healing grow out of this and start to become more Alive and less :| and :/ abt life

morgan becomes very important for and to healing bc like. he literally taught healing Emotions and how amazing and happy and good life can be. morgan taught healing how to Be Alive and Want To Be Alive and how to Feel. before when he was a servant, he was literally just a Shell and genuinely thought life was Supposed to just be inherently shitty and ur suposed to always expereince bad htings and ALWAYS feel ONLY bad negative emotions and feelings.he thought that if he died, it wouldnt matter AT ALL bc he would easily b replaced by another servant and his life had literally no meaning and he genuinely thought he would die before the age of 20 and he was Okay with that he thought it was fine he thought it was okay to not expect to live past 20-25 and etc etc etc.

when he saved healing, morgain was already quite old-ish?? he was 30 yrs old when healing (at the time, age 17) met him. healnig didnt rlly start to fall in love until around age 19 just some time b4 morgan made him first mate. over the years that healing is on morgans ship, he becomes who he is bc of morgan and he learns things abt himself and who he is and builds himself bc of morgan and he becomes who healing is in these very moments that he spends with morgan and rightly falls in love because of it bc morgan Saved Him from so many things. morgan took an empty husk and shell of a man that had Began as empty and put smth in it. he had breathed life into an empty bag and made music, he had taken a broken branch and carved a nice ass figure. morgan took something with nothing and gave him Everything. healing has such a strong connection and attachment to morgan yall cant even begin to understsand it. Runs So Deep in healing, this lov and feeling and attachment he has to morgan

morgan also rlly rlly rlly Rlly likes and appreciates healing and actually also loves healing in the same way, but doesnt tell healing for the same reasons why healing wont tell morgan. they spend the next 10 yrs basically unknowingly pining over each other bc theyre too fuckin afraid to tell each other bc they think the other is gonna b homophobic and its Awful. but also like. sailors back in the day were Rlly Gay so healing and morgan have had their fair share of mutual masturbation and Very Gay Activities w each other bu they were never in the context of romance or in a relationship beyond like. Rlly Rlly Good Best Friends lmao like sex friends but better??

bc healing. was never fuckin educated lmao he doesnt kno how to read or write. over the years he spends with morgan, he BARELY understand the alphabet tbh. he can like,,,,,, understand certain words but he doesnt recognize those words as words they register kinda like symbols in his head. numbers r even WORSE for healing lmao. like he understands map terms north, east, west, south, map, longitude/latitude, etc etc but he recognizes the words as like pictures or symbols in his head that relate to object or meaning or smth, kinda how u see a lil pic of a tree and u recognize it as a tree, thats him w words. healing was morgans first mate and co-captain for 10 years, he often went with morgan to negotiations and business meetings and trades and etc etc etc healing is VERY good w his words bc of this and is actually rlly smart and intelligent and wise. he just cant read or write lol. he has a +0 intelligence on his sheet but a +3 wisdom

healing lives the next 10 yrs of his life after being liberated at the age of 17 to 27 w morgan and his ship and his crew and hes enjoying himself and livin it to the fullest and hes happy and its so good and all is well, but also keep in mind that healing, through out all of these 10 yrs, has STILL not have a name for himself yet. BUT morgan HAS given healing a seashell necklace as well as his ear piercings. he wears these items everyday and they hold like. a lot of emotional important and support for him

but then morgan dies LMAO morgan dies at the age of 40 when healing is 27 and he dies from both sickness from old age (bc sailors back then. died p early skdjfnwsndv) and also from an injury wound he had gotten when in battle earlier that month. morgans death strikes his crew very harshly but without a doubt everyone on the ship agreed that healing was the MOST hurt and affected and shaken from morgans death. morgans last words and also his will states that he wanted healing to become the new captain of the ship. healing doesnt rlly become the new captain bc hes too busy mourning over his death for the next yr.

morgan and healing NEVER tell each other abt their feelings for one another, so morgan dies with this regret of never saying anything and healing lives with the regret of never saying anything before he died. this plays into how healing chose his name

after his mourning and grieving period he starts to slowly collect himself and in this period of time, this is where he finally chooses his name. he thinks abt how morgan was never able to call him by a proper name despite how important names were to morgan, so as hes starting to heal from his death, he picks his own name for himself. he debated on choosing his name as love, bc he loved morgan but never told him despite the fact that morgan quite literally taught him how to love. but he decides on the name healing bc he also thought abt how morgan said how he wanted to help healing start to mend and heal from all the trauma and abuse hes been through and healing sort of just shoved love into that process of healing, therefore That Is His Name Now. his name is now like. an important memoir of morgan as well as like. His Name. his name now holds a very hefty important weight and meaning to him now.

when morgan dies, he makes a lot of vows to himself like how hell never love someone again and how he would keep up morgans work and how he would keep morgans policy of justice and equality and how he would never treat people the way he was treated as a servant and how he would never hurt someone on purpose. after morgans death, he starts to like. hoard items he thinks morgan would have liked and then eventually this just turns from “hoarding for morgan” to “depression coping hoarding” and he just hoards things he thinks has some use or worth of value (which is like. Everything lmao so he never throws stuff away)

the ship crew are not All That Happy that healing is their new captain, but they really did intensely respect and appreciated morgan both as a captain and an individual so they abide by his will and last words and let healing be captain despite the fact that they thought hed b bad at it. but Surprise Surprise healing is actually rlly rlly good at being a captain bc he spent 10 yrs by morgans side and he knows how to do everything rlly well and the crew r kind of surprised and apologize for sterotypin him and for being so prejudiced and not trustin him and etc etc etc and healing is happy for another long while bc now he has like?? a family?? this crew was now his family and he loved everyone on this ship and they loved him?? he was Rlly Good at what he did bc he took over morgans work of trade and also liberating ships and sellin his time to fight for ppl and he was super close to his crew and they grew closer over the yrs and they give him a seashell bracelet similar to how morgan gave him the necklace and earrings so now healing has like. a physical object to associate his emotional relationship and feelings and shit to like he did for morgan w the necklace and earrings

but ofc knowin me its time to Fuck Him Over Again lmao over the yrs while hes in his 30s hes gets like. Rlly Rlly Rlly well known for his deeds and his work and actions so he gets super popular and he has. A Lotta Sex and is Very Well Known for sex and also his dick lol and also sometimes got into. not so hot relationships. at current time right now, age of 57, healing has 5 children he isnt aware of bc he left the other person before they even Knew they were pregnant. he was rlly good with not letting his partner get pregnant but accidents happen lmao sometimes he let the fame and popularity get to his head so he was kind of a Cocky Narcissistic Dick sometimes

a total of 5 times during his 30s he got himself into. very bad toxic abusive manipulative relationships. these 5 people were all very similar in what they did to healing and how they did it to him. in each of these 5 cases, both healing and his crew reacted the same. when u hang out w manipulative bad ppl, u kinda become manipulative and bad urself, and thats what happened w healing and his crew. these 5 ppl preyed on the fact that healing was emotionally very weak and vulnerable to romantic affection and intimacy and how he had a Rlly Rlly Big Fear of losing people he loved or cared about. they made him care abt them and threatened to leave him if he didnt do what they wanted, as well as abuse him in other different manners physically, emotionally (BIG TIME emotional abuse), verbally, and mentally. during the itme he was in these relationships w these ppl, healing was very much not like his usual self, hes a chatoic neutral but when w theswe ppl he was like?? lawful evil?? true evil?? he became Rlly Bad and did Rlly Bad things that, now in current day time he regrets deeply and feels.

when he was in these relationships, they made him break a lot of the vows he took when morgan died or else theyd do smth to him or to themself ot to his crew or smth like that and it haunts him to this very day abt how he could have done those things to those people despite the fact that the same was done to him and how he NEVER wanted to do that to other people. it dredges bad things up in his memories and in his heart and he has nightmares abt both his traumas and abuse as well as the traumas and abuse hes made others go through. these people hurt him very deeply in his 30s and scarred him emotionally and mentally more intensely than the people that mistreated him when he was a servant

his 30s was a. Rollercoaster tbh. he went thru very intense and frequent highs and lows bc the time when he was with these people they were his Very Very Low Lows and when he wasnt with them and just doing his job w his crew and livin life he was very happy and his life took on a Very Good High. as he got a lil older at the age of 37 he was doing good and it was a high during his lifetime and that point and when he was 37 he was actually on his ship hunting down a bandit/pirate ship bc someone had bought his ships and effort to help them track down this ship

he has a lot of adventures in his 30s and goes thru so many things and and thru so many situations and so many people and encountered just. A Lot Of Stuff in General. hes experienced probs like. 2 lifetime of experiences and shit by the age of 37 lmao but he wouldnt trade any of these experiences, good or bad, for ANYTHING in the world

but sadly (bc i love makin his life so full of angst) as hes chasing this ship, a Rlly Big Storm comes by and fuckin. WRECKS his ship. absolutely obliterates it. it catches fire and tons of his crew members r jumpin off and panicking and the ship is falling apart and hes so AAAAAAAAAAAAA rn. in the future, the imagery of a sunken or turned up or just in general not normal 100% functioning ship is very unsettling to him and triggers this rlly bad memory. also Rlly Rlly Rlly BIG BIG fires unsettle him very badly and makes him Extremely Uncomfortable but it doesnt rlly trigger this bad memory as much as broken ships do

healing is knocked from the ship and passed out and when he awakes hes on the shore with the remains of wood from his ship along the shore and he is. absolutely broken. he lost his Whole Family in one night and yet he was the one who didnt die?? he assumes everyone on his crew ship died (even tho some survived but he has yet to encounter them) and he was the only one who survived and at the moment he HATED this fact. he hated that he was left to live and he reverts back to his mindset that he had when he was younger how his life didnt matter and etc etc etc

hes also??????????? SUPER upset and heartbroken that the sea was the one who did this to him. the ocean, to which he was born and raised on (he has never lived on land in the past 37 yrs of his life, hes been on land and stayed overnight at inns or smth and stuff but hes never Lived anywhere on land and thinks houses r Weird bc hes lived on a boats and ships for 37 yrs kjefnvslefv), the ocean to which he considered his real mother, the ocean that granted him so much freedom from so much of the things that hes experienced, the ocean to which he was so deeply emotionally connected to and how much the sea had meant to him. he knows he cannot control the sea and accepts that the sea had sunken his ship but that doesnt mean hes not going to still feel sad and shitty abt it lol

he Basically has a meltdown at this shore and cursin at how he should have been the one to die in this wreck and passes out bc. exhaustion and etc lmao. and then in comes Love Interest #2, noel, a neutral good wood elf monk who, just like morgan, is a very free spirit and very kind and reminds healing just enough of morgan to make his heart start to feel something again

noel sees this tieflin dude passed out on the beach and is like. Oh. Thats Not Good. and he goes to help him out and brings him back to his campsite to patch him up and heal his wounds and take care of him and nurture him back to health a bit until healing wakes up.

healing is like HWHA and is like uhhhh thnks but i gotta Go Now bc Yet Again in this mnoment he vows a bunch of other shit like how hell live a life of solitude and never involve himself w others bc he thinks of himself as a harbinger of bad things and chaos and doom and misfortune follows him and how everyone he loves or tells them abt his life/story dies

but noel is too friendly and caring to just Let Him Go and hes just rlly interested in healing just as an individual and just also wants a companion to travel w bc hes just like a wandering monk who weaves in and out of woods and forests and villages and stuff

fast forward- after a Lot of effort and A Lot of time and A Lot of trust and such, healing slowly Very Very Slowly opens up to noel about himself and his life and what hes gone though and all of the sort of bad and good things hes experienced and grows closer to him and they fall in llove with each other and its both mutual and healing is like “wow??? being in love is so nice?? this is such a good feeling?? i love noel and he loves me back and we can kiss and hug and do stuff and both of us know we are doing this out of mutual romantic attraction??????????” and this is like. A Brand New Feeling for healing bc his relationship and love for morgan was 100% unrequited

noel basically becomes healings teacher tbh since noel is a monk he teaches healing the way of bein a monk most specifically the way of the 4 elements. noel is a master of the way of the 4 elements, but is best w earth and air, healing has such a strong attachment to the water and a close relation with fire so hes naturally like. rlly good w those 2 lmao he catches on real quick despite the fact that. only noel is teaching him and neither of them belong to a temple or have a temple to go to lmao

as time goes on both healing and noel are like. kinda famous monks that travel through the land and are well known bc healing was already previously well known as a rlly rlly cool famous captain and now he kinda dropped off the face of the earth for like 5 yrs but now hes back w noel and he looks a lil diff now bc hes older and his hairs a lil longer but ppl are aware that hes healing

its all good and healing is enjoying life real nice rn and hes happy once again and hes in love with noel and noel is in love with healing and its so good and healing is traveling again but also like. up until he was 37 yrs old he was like livin at sea on a ship. so when he goes along w noel when they travel through the woods on land its kinda Weird for him bc hes like. Never Been On Land For This Long lmao

from the moment he was stranded on that beach to right now in his current time, healing ALWAYS has smth of the sea/ocean w him ALWAYS it is a must and he has to have it for multiple reasons and most of the reasons are for like. safety reasons?? theyre like his safety items it calms him down and soothes him in multiple ways like emotionally and mentally. he ALWAYS has at LEAST 1 (one) bottle or flask or SOMETHING filled w sea water he always has some sea water on him, he also just. collects a MASSIVE amount of shells and sea glass and any other things u could find on the beach or sea he always has some of this stuff on him for comfort and stuff

like with all of the deep and intimate and important and emotional relationships in his life, noel gives healing smth that he can attach noel to emotionally and etc etrc etc. noel gives healing tattoos that are like monk tattoos and symbolize what he does best on his back i.e fire and water and also a few like. just fun lil casual tattoos to make healing and himself happy like a boat and anchor on his wrist and stuff and healing is like Oh Gee Hope Nothing Bad Happens

but smth bad does happen lol. after 10 literal yrs (healing is now 47) theyre in the woods camping out and etc etc etc and its like the dead of night and theyre sleepin in their tents and its good and all but then some bandits or smth just pass by their site and decide “hey. lets fuckin loot this place and fuck shit up” and they do and engage in combat w noel and healing and its just a series of unfortunate events and bad luck and timing and long story short these bandits do lethal and fatal damage to noel but healing manages to fend em off and they go running and now healing is kneeling over the dying body of his lover

noel literally dies in healings arms and this event triggers all of his previous mental state and mindset from before abt how hes a harbinger of bad things and how everyone he loves does and he only brings misfortune and hes liike “y do the ppl around me die???? y cant *I* be the one to die for once??? wtf????” and he feels so many emotions and is so ANGRY at himself bc This Just Keeps happening and the people he loves just keep Getting Hurt and he cries and buries noel and makes a grave and does a lot of sentimental stuff and mourns and just stays where he is in the woods for like. weeks until his supplies runs out and he finally leaves the area of the forest hes in with a heavy… Everything slkdfnvsdkfs fvhesfdnviksfd hes RLLY intensely emotionally and mentally fucked now

he makes the same kinds of vows as before again plus some but now its even STRONGER. he Will Not EVER fall in love ever again, he will never tell anyone ANYTHING abt him thats not surface level info, he takes up his old vows like never hurt ppl on purpose and never treating him the way he was treated and how he will upkeep his code of justice and equality, and how he will NEVER EVER have any deep relationships and friendships and he will keep them very surface level and how he will keep everyone at like an arms distance and a half from him

and so he mourns over his lost loved ones and is just a fuckin angsty emotionally shut and locked up traveling tiefling monk and hes alone and just. travels bc he feels like if he stays in one place too long he might bring misfortune to the ppl around him and he just. BASICALLY keeps this up for ANOTHER 10 yrs dsfkjvnsenfvedv je travels around EVERYWHERE and the first few years he tried his best to avoid rlly thick wooded areas and the sea but eventually he grew and healed a bit more and allowed himself to get on boats again and go thru forests and woods

healing chose his name bc he wanted to heal and grown and change and become a better person and try his best to just be as happy as he could be and to atone for what hes done and just. try to get thru life at this point. and make sure he leaves people better than when he meets them and to make sure everyone he encounters have AT LEAST a Not Bad impression of him. so thats basically what his goal is after noel dies and he just travels on his own and in solitude and he nevers takes along a companion and is jsut by himself and quite literally isolates himself all the time. he keeps the people he talks to at an arm and a halfs distance, he never lets them know anything below surface level info abt him, he like?? basically puts on a front and all but he is still genuinely friendly and likes to talk to ppl he just. doesnt want them to know any like Substantial Info abt him or kno him beyond surface level and stuff

after some time tho he meets a man named elias aka MAN OF THE HOUR aka my datefriends oc and he jsut?? will NOT leave healing alone he just WILL NOT go away and he basically just. is forcibly at healings side as they travel and healing just CANNOT get rid of him and elias is just with him and hes trying to pry thru healings massive amounts of layers and walls and barriers and etc etc etc and ofc he does this respectfully hes not like. forcing his way into healings life and forcing healing to tell him abt his life he just. wants to kno more abt him and is very genuinely attracted to this man in many many ways

healing realizes he cant force elias to go away and is just like (shrugs) ok w/e guess i cant get rid of u and tries to keep his walls and his front up but he just finds himself getting rlly comfortable w elias?? he finds his presence soothing and stuff bc hes been alone for the past previous yrs and now he has a companion again and its a rlly nice feeling and they grow a lil closer bit by bit over time

more time passes on and eventually, in the middle of a mental break/meltdown, healing just. Spills Everything to elias like. All Of His Life from the moment he was born until this current faction in time where hes sobbing into elias’ arm about his whole life and he feels kind of better and its okay for a while and he just passes out in elias’ arms but then he wakes up and has a panic attack and is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I TOLD THIS MAN MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW OR HELL DIE I RLLY LIKE HIM THO I DONT WANT HIM TO DIE and he faces the facts that he 1) likes elias 2) is very internally and mentally fukt 3) is internally rlly fuckin secretive and tries to hide everythin abt himself and 4) is Dyin Real Bad for multiple reasons

elias tries to reassure healing and tries to tell him everything will be fine and he wont die and etc etc etc and stuff and from this point on forward healing and elias are much closer and continue to get closer until theyre basically in a relationship and its difficult tbh bc healing rlly wants to leave elias out of his fear but elias stays w him and its a long proccess and journey for healing to learn how to properly cope w all of the things hes felt and experienced and grow and heal and etc et ect

eventually fast forward in time, at the age of 57, healing is MARRIED to elias :’’) and they r in love and everything is okay and healing has and is continuing to learn how to accept what hes done and how to properly cope and deal w things and have less walls and barriers and be better and elias is one of his MOST important relationships to him, on par w morgan and noel, and its all good and happy and healing lives the rest of his life out w elias and dies happy and etc etc etc and its all just GREAT and also their shipname is heelies bc its funny lmao

i left out a lotta details but fuckin. whatever lmao

anyways i love healing thnk u and good night

#oc:healing #time for some fucking HOT ASS meta and bg info about this boy lmao #i would die for healing

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aitian · 4 years

Text

8/12 3am

this is another dream i felt like i had before. i was in a park, next to a squirrel, a wolf, and a giraffe. the squirrel would chase me causing the wolf and the giraffe to chase the squirrel. i ran across a bridge and climbed a sign, only to have it break. and as the sign somehow wobbled back and forth, i sat on top swinging, swinging and watching my shadow on the ground swing back and forth. before moving at all i thought carefully about this plan and climbing the sign was the goal. maybe it meant the wolf wouldn’t hurt me but i would get tohave an experience.

2nd dream was about a chase as well. in a dirty city… i forget why. but i hid in a corner and saw my friends who were also running disguise themselves as an old man and a homeless man, and our pursuers ran by. we went to a restaurant, i think owned by our aunties, maybe the chopsticks auntie or smth. and my job was to wash the vegetables. they had already been julienned though lol but i spent so long washing the julienned carrots because there was so much. all the while i was listening to these three rude old dudes sitting outside complaining about the service because no one went to take their order. finally i went inside and asked the young man who was the only one working to check on them. and the dream shifts to his pov and he explanis to the jeerin g men that he will be the new owner, and he grabs my rpevious character close, who i guess is a woman, and says she will be his wife and co-owner, and the men grudgingly comment on their appproval.

the last dream i am a spoiled chinese girl waiting for her spoiled chinese boyfriend to take her to the movies. we are both attractive in the way chinese tv likes young people to be. im waiting for him to text, waiting, and im angry that he has forgotten again. and i fall asleep on my bed, and have a dream. my dream is his dream. he says i his dream, he put on these lenses?glasses? and his eyes became unbearably cute, and everyones stares made him feel unsaafe. tjen he put on another pair and his eyes glowerd red, and everone seemed intimidated, and he felt comfort in that. waking up from his dream, he realized everyone looked at him that way already, and nothing had changed.

-- afternoon

having a crush is this immense flooding of feeling stupid, like only a fool would expect desire to bridge the gap

. i thought about him, a picture of his sister catching his hat at graduation, violence & empire

. told some dumb bby queer in the columbia class fb group not to ask students to out their profs online so he could have a list of q/t professors. he was very entitled to placing this information on a public forum, insisted that it was not an issue (for you?) i responded once briefly, then let it die. i told myself i needed to be as short as possible to not be anxious posting, but my heart still sped up thinking about arguing w someone so publicly over some shit i didn’t want people to ID me for.

. signed up for okcupid. just to see who’s around. lots of white people. anime subs vs dubs is a question they all needed to answer in their profiles.

8/12/2020, 11pm

today mom told me the story again about her life with dad. we walked after dinner along the path that led through the trees outside our neighborhood, and sat on the steps outside the Videon company. she was in beijing. she was dating a man who was tall and thin, who was clean and orderly, who cooked for her. he was insecure that she had a phd and he was only a college graduate. she always felt he had his guard up, couldn’t speak from his heart, insecure. they had only been seeing each other for a while, but she decided she should move on. she went on a date with dad, set up by a mutual friend. she says her first impression was how short and stout he was. pale, a scholar. or nerd. didn’t know how to make good conversation, and while she fantasized about expectations before meeting him each time, their dates were very plain, boring. she says he probably felt she didn;t have much interest in him either. the setting up felt stale, rehearsed, like there was a path to follow that was already laid out. he went home for his younger brother’s wedding, and never talked to her again. their mutual friend says to mom, us from henan, when we talk, we say what we mean. but these hebei people could say ten things and none of them would be truthful. they had no contact for months. three days before dad was supposed to leave for america, my grandmother came to beijing to help him pack and send him off. she brought the money the government game them, untouched, for my grandfather’s death. and it was stolen. my grandmother passed out, and was sent to the hospital. mom says my grandmother thought dad should have gotten together with mom, that if they had been together, none of this would have happened. dad went to her office to find her, and her colleagues said she was on lab. and his thick-headed self thought she was at a homophonous company in the tech district. and as he was headed down, she was headed up, and they met in the stairwell. if they had missed each other, then they would have never met again. but he told her what happened, and she went with him to the hospital, and she helped him pack and sent him off. i wanted to ask what compelled her to do that. im guessing it was what he said, a mother in the hospital, a near departure… maybe it was the beginning of a romantic feeling. she only fell in love with him after they had both settled in america. she said things were more simple when they got away from the messiness of china… the city, the relationships. mom says her mother was grateful because she thought mom would have trouble getting married. in my head i laughed.. her stubborn ass… they knew. she said dad’s mom saw her as a good fit. which was cruel irony thinking about my first years. mom says she had never argued with dad before grandma came. so many of his bad habits started then. she told me about this because we talked about dad being childish at home, refusing accountability, using manipulative tactics to ignore us and center himself, trying to blame others for his mistakes. we talked about mom’s shitty coworkers. we talked about adeles mom and dad, their abusive relationship, the abusive dads, and the societies of fear (scarcity) that made our community members brilliant fools. mom said she could never forget that guy she dated before dad, though i think she didn’t really mean it because she said again how he was always guarded around her. i wanted to tell her, mom, i have liked a boy a lot too. during high school. his name is andrew, and he has been on my mind a lot recently since coming home. he was really good to me, mom. sometimes i wish i was more brave. but i didn’t say anything. i was looking at the clouds, and they were moving earlier. they were moving west, then east, then west, and they stopped. and then they vanished. the sun was setting, and mom said they probably flew away. but i said no, they vanished. dad came over, i could tell it was him because he walked cute like donald duck. he said this was his regular exercising place. as if he even left the house to exercise regularly, much less walk to our spot, the place he knew we would be. we got up and left after a while because it was getting dark. later i would hear dad complaining downstairs about how we didn’t stay to watch him dance, and how that was what had held him back. shameless.

there are some memories of stories that i just cannot say were things i made up, but i have so little recollection of what and how they were told.

when mom was in alabama, her boss or maybe coworker tried to date her. i guess she was not into white men. maybe it was one of the things that pushed her toward dad.

mom has had a miscarriage before. im not sure about the context. i think i remember her telling me when she was upset many years ago, or maybe just casually. it might have been something she thought should be kept a secret, or just something moms don’t talk about to their kids. i do remember her recounting more recently once while talking about being pregnant with me vs alice, that she had a bit of miscarriage each time. im not totally sure what that means but she said it like it was natural, a thing that just happened for some people. maybe a bit of bleeding and discharge.

i think i remember alice once telling me she thinks dad wants to be a woman but is too repressed to admit it. and then saying thats probably not it.

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