#my chronic pain has been bothering me recently

[cincincinnanom]

Imma be so brutally honest when I say that either I am going to have a big accident that makes my physical health worse and then my parents believe me or that never happens and I never get help and then off myself.

[themoonsbeloved]

I still need help

Its now the 8th of January and despite being told by my friend who spoke with her boss 3 weeks ago during their meeting that he was to hire me in the beginning of January and would reach out to me, he hasn't. I'm hoping somehow, eventually, when this man finally bothers to, he will contact me for a job offer since he reassured me back in november that he still intends to hire me. But since I have no idea when that will be, that means I'm left hanging completely.

long story short I am mentally ill and disabled who was dismissed from my last and only job that I struggled 2 years to get, only to be fired in 2 months in June because of my chronic fatigue and abusive managers. I rely a lot on my henna but bookings are not consistent enough to make regular income, and majority of the money ends up going to contributing to house bills for my family.

My therapy picks up again this week, very honestly been the only thing keeping me from harming myself at this point with how painful life has been and I want to be able to continue getting it low cost (£25 per session), my therapist is so amazing and we recently came to the understanding that I have complex-PTSD, and plan to look into it more this year. I'm too mentally ill to try and look for jobs right now and am basically doing 3 jobs already (one being joint caring duties with family members for my grandparents since I live with them, which I'm not paid for obviously) with inconsistent money coming in/sessional work that I will be paid for once completed further into the year.

I have so many other costs that are coming in the near future, like paying for more medication, and for more lazer hair removal sessions for my severe hirsutism, which usually is around £300 if I'm lucky to catch offers. This is another I thing I mentally can't afford to stop doing, struggling with severe hirsutism and the trauma of it all my life means its important I can feel and live somewhat comfortably in my body. Lazer hair isn't permanent and I'm looking into electrolysis, but again, I don't have that money yet and would prefer to not leave a huge gap where I don't do lazer and the mental torture of watching my body hair grow back. I also haven't gotten my eyes checked in over 3 years, and know I will need a change in perscription and need new glasses. I hate nothing more than what its come to. I'm just exhausted and burnt out from the constant anxiety and depressive episodes, I'm barely eating or sleeping, I'm sick of everything and everyone and I just wish god would give me a break.

With all of the above in mind I'm aiming for about £600. This is all basically to help me just function and continue getting the things that help me not succumb to my mental health issues. If anything, my birthday's coming up in feb so I would appreciate it if folks gave some money if they have the means to. Anything is fine at this point.

Thank you so much

https://paypal.me/iffiia?country.x=GB&locale.x=en_GB

£0/£600

[skrittkicking]

charr body types for practice, rambling nonsense under the cut

ive been trying to get better at drawing more varied body types for a while now and i think ive still got a long way to go but im getting there. fat and muscle definition werent something i bothered to learn for a long time because all i wanted to draw was twinks and dragons ... but in the last year or so ive really been pushing myself to do better. i think learning to draw different body shapes is really important and improves your overall anatomy skill by a mile, its also just really fun for me to think about how fat is distributed across the body and affected by gravity and all that stuff. bodies in general are my favorite thing to draw and what i spend the most time sketching

ok enough word vomit lets talk about my ocs

iovitus is supposed to be built more like an athlete, but im not sure i got that across very well. they're still skinny and comparatively twinky next to their fellow cats, but still strong and in good shape. after they left the legions they didnt really bother that much with the upkeep of their figure, but since theyre focusing more on mercenary work again they've been better about it

most of iovitus' muscle is in their shoulder & back, as their weapons of choice -- longbow and throwing axes -- require a lot of strength in that area. theyre very triangular shaped & top-heavy, with a broad chest & shoulders, thin waist and narrow hips. skipped leg day :/

nero is supposed to have sort of a dad-bod type of build. i changed a bit about his design as ive been tinkering around with his lore recently. she was always supposed to have some tummy to her, but i dont think i drew it very well in the past. i think a dad bod is very fitting because she is one after all

i also wanted to make her blind eye more obvious because i kept forgetting about it whenever i drew her so umm sorry babe. still need to come up with an explanation as to why it happened! was considering having him just born with it for a while, but i love scars and scary traumatic events so... sorry nero

in spite of the good layer of fat he's got on his body though, nero is very strong and muscular underneath it all. his warband doesnt do a lot of combat stuff anymore but he's still working most of the time and takes good care of himself. juicy thighs btw

ruckus... i dont have much to say about. i love you babygirl

she's so much taller than everyone else.... its difficult to notice in the line-up as they are, but i wanted to see so i lined them up in front of one another and. well. ->

look at her. and iovitus. why are you so small??

finally, lia! she's still small in comparison to most other blood legion charr, but she makes up for it in her strength. or, well, she might've in her younger years; at her current age she's definitely lost a lot of that muscle definition just by the nature of aging

thats not to say she's weak, though. she can and will definitely fuck you up if you try her

her burned arm is her main weak point. it was burned severely enough where the muscle and nerves were permanently damaged, resulting in a lot of stiffness, uncomfortability, and chronic pain. the movement in that arm is limited and she has to guard it closely if she's ever in a scuffle

i think in general a lot of muscle definition for charr is lost just cause they have fur to cover it up, evident by the fact you cant really see a lot of it on the in-game models. or at least thats my excuse for not knowing how to define muscle with lineart

[cartoonistcoop]

ShortBox Comics Member Interview: Otava Heikkilä

Throughout the month of October, the Cartoonist Cooperative will be sharing interviews with members of the Co-op who have a new comic available at the ShortBox Comics Fair 2024! 

NOTE: The Cartoonist Cooperative is not affiliated, associated, authorized, endorsed by, or in any way formally connected with ShortBox.  

Today’s spotlight is Otava Heikkilä and their new comic for ShortBox, Home by the Rotting Sea 

We’d love it if you could introduce yourself and tell us about your background in comics.

Otava Heikkilä: Hey, I’m Otava, a thirty-something comic artist from Finland whose work focuses on narrative, usually historically inspired, usually dark fiction, for queer adults. I’ve been self-publishing comics online since 2010, and my works have been published by indie publishers like Iron Circus Comics and Quindrie Press from 2016 onwards. My piece for ShortBox Comics Fair 2024 will be my 14th comic to see a release. I don’t really know why I make comics, but it’s the primary driving compulsion I have in life. Sad, or awesome, or both!

Tell us more about your new comic?

OH: Home by the Rotting Sea is about two former playthings from the Human King’s harem. This world has ended after a climate event, and the ice caps have melted, and everything that’s left is this hot, rotting world without trees. The usual things still thrive there: Kings with big enough armies to confiscate land for themselves. But after the ice caps melted, humans have gotten in contact with another humanoid species who used to live behind the glaciers: the Väki, who the humans call giants, because they’re bigger than us. The territories are under dispute, and to smooth over the latest injury, the Human King sends those two former playthings, Ilta and Laulu, and a cart full of jewelry and furs, to the Väki as an appeasement. The comic itself starts here, and we see Ilta and Laulu learning to live among the Väki. It’s an existential slice of life.

Tell us about your creative process; how did you develop this comic and what are the steps you took to bring it to the final stage?

OH: While developing a new comic, I usually have a few interests that compel me, and a few more that bother me, and I end up alchemizing those together. In recent years I’ve been interested in prehistory and the other humanoid species that lived alongside us in the past. Everybody wants to make a story about how we might’ve felt about the Neanderthals, and I think I’d like to make it too. This is kind of a go at that story, but I wanted to make it fictional and unrelated to our real world relatives. Chasing historical accuracy with a story about prehistory is inherently kind of an impossible, funny thing anyway, and I’ve understood I’m not well-read enough for it (If you are, and would like me to illustrate it for you, hit me up).

So the speculative anthropology was the compelling part. The bothering part was/is the genocide in Palestine that broke into a hell on earth while I was developing the comic. I want to make it clear that my comic doesn’t matter in any meaningful way under this terrible light, but the events are inside all of us and making us sick; my comic is about the death of a people and a land because somebody at the top can’t stop eating the world until there’s nothing left. It’s impossible to make it and have it be unaffected by what’s happening. This was the hardest story to make for me because I’ve bagged so much grief inside it, and hope too.

I’ve also been through chronic pain this year, and I made a lot of the backgrounds of the comic with my left hand, which is in somewhat less pain than my right one. It’s kind of stupid to suffer for pictures, and I will try not to do it going forward, but probably I will.

Does a sense of audience, even if it’s just an audience of one, enter into your creative process? If yes, how so?

OH: Yeah, of course. It’s the need to make a connection to somebody and to feel and see the same thing with brief but great precision. It’s a kind of truth-sharing, because I find it hard to share my real self in my personal life. Or maybe those two things aren’t connected, I don’t know. I’m always thinking about the individual on the other side.

Can you talk about your visual style? How did you develop it?

OH: I think art comes to me easily and because of that I’m lazy about it. I don’t use as much reference as I should, and there’s a general ground floor chaos to everything; my work is worse for it. I’ve tried to tighten the ship and learn better fundamentals as I’ve gotten older, and the result is, I guess, interesting. I do big compositional color blocks first, then lines and detail. I went to art school for my Bachelor’s degree and retained nothing from there except a general superiority complex about having an art degree and some painting fundamentals, which make my workflow slower than it should be for digital comics. Sense of dimensions and scale, color, and clarity of the reading experience are important to me.

Read the rest of the interview HERE! And dont forget to check out the Shortbox Comics Fair to support these lovely creators!!

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Ayesha Liveblogs Spy x Family S2

Awww, I like that Bond Forger the Dog also gets an intro about HIS secret identity. Equal opportunity deceit

Are we finally going to learn who exacty Yor is fighting? I would like to know!

Been there Anya, I also had little patience for watching the news as as a kid. Though, it seems more important in a pre-internet era

"Okay, you can change the channel." Loid Forger, International Spy, defeated by one (1) sad look from his little daughter

"I absolutely cannot tell him that I got shot in the butt while fighting a group of armed men." 10/10 episode plot, I cannot wait

"I've been relying on her too much without realizing it, and it's upset her. Yes, that must be it! I must do everything in my power to remedy this at once!" Loid immediately blaming Yor's mood on himself and deciding he has to be respond by being a better husband!!! I will keep saying it. He is THE Husband. World's Most Husband

"Why don't we go on a date?" HEE HEE

Puzzling that Yor thinks she hasn't been on a date though, when I can think of at least three dates so far (party-grenade-proposal date, lunch date, and drinks-and-reassurance date)

"I can't leave Anya alone at home, and this is a very important mission to ensure that we remain one happy family." It seems Loid has learned from the spy transmission debacle

"Last night, I came up with 862 date plans to ensure that Yor has fun." He's insane. I want to give him a leetle kiss

HAHAHAHA Franky being absolutely thrilled to bother Loid and Yor on their date. What a friendship 💕

Intriguing that Anya's telepathy has a distance limit. Tell me more!

Honestly, Yor having to position herself in a specific way to avoid pain is relatable. We love a chronic pain queen

"This woman had built up an immunity to poisons." HAHAHAHAHA the poison fixing Yor's pain. Sometimes, drinking does solve your problems!

LMAOOOO them censoring the bomb components. A real "don't try this at home" moment

NOT THE BABY MAKING THE BOMB. ANYA PLEASE

"I'm going to forget all this and live a normal life." Perfect. Forgers reforming their enemies left and right

"If it's not too much trouble, please invite me out again sometime." Never let being married stand in the way of your husband becoming your boyfriend 🥰

SCREAM at Bond's perception of what Loid does for work. I guess he's closer to the truth than most:

"Are you trying to do this for your... no. Are you trying to get revenge for your friends who were experimented on?" HAHAHA is Loid blushing because he wants to call himself his dog's dad?

FBKFJHFFHKJHF Loid taking on Bond as his mission back-up. He truly can be swayed so easily

WHERE DID LOID GET A DOG-SIZED SKI MASK AHHAHAHA

I love the giant puppy spy sidekick, employ this dog ASAP

"While they're busy playing, I'm going to work hard to get to the top," said Damian Desmond, Six Years Old, for whom The Top was beating all the other little bougie first graders

"Your friendship... preciously elegant." Me whenever I finish hanging out with my friends

I love that Henderson-sensei sends the kids out on a picnic as a punishment. He really is as silly as he is strict

I don't know if this is a vegetarian thing or a cultural thing but it always seems wild to me how people in anime bite into fish, scales and all

"Did you know that the most recent studies in neuroscience suggest that your brain feels really revitalized when you're spacing out?" I like Mr. Green, Grizzled Navy Custodian, too

HAHA Damian trying his hardest to space out. Me when people tell me to practice mindfulness

"Oh, you don't [have a goal], eh? That's perfectly fine!" "Actually, I want to live my life eating lots of snacks." "Splendid! You'll have to think earnestly about how to make that possible." I take it back, I LOVE MR. GREEN

Ready to sob about this field trip actually. AHHHHHHH:

"Good evening, Mr. Vile Trash." ACAB; All Cops are (Weird) Brothers

"What's so wrong about trying to improve the country my family lives in?" Nothing but the hostile, paternalistic nationalism of a Cold War, Frank Perkin, Newspaper Sensationalist and Adult Bully of Wealthy Children

"I'll request that your father gets some financial aid to get by." I feel like that will not make up for imprisoning his son, Yuri, but whatever helps you sleep

"Blech." That's also how I feel about Weird Brother Yuri, Anya

"Revenge will only make you sadder. I'll make you forget about all that with my love." This is the plot of Naruto

Honestly, I was super sold on the Bondman Polycule when it was just him, his spy partner Agent M, and the enemy spy lady who had all linked arms together. I feel like this could work:

"How was anything he did gentlemanly?" Loid said: I'm a one-woman kind of spy

"Lord Damian, how could you possibly pick the joker there." "Shut up!' [Internally] She's so unfair... Damn it! I like to believe Loid might approve of Damian's crush purely because he is also willing to do whatever Anya wants if she makes one (1) sad face

Poor Anya. She's really most suited to using her street smarts

"Garden? The group of assassins who have been in this country for ages? They're basically urban legends, aren't they?" FINALLY we're finding out more about Yor's job!! They do in fact seem at cross purposes with the spies

[Loid already walking away] "He's such a heartless jerk." I bet you $5 he has already decided to help Franky LMAO

Update from 8 min later: Alright, I owe you $5, he didn't care

"Am I normal?! Oh, thank goodness!" said Yor excitedly, as if that were not a moderately suspicious response to being called normal

Excited for an ep with no double-barreled title. Plot progression!

I truly don't know where this falls on the spectrum of ways that anime will depict black and brown characters LMAO. Like Donovan Desmond, the Shopkeeper has an extremely haunting aura:

"You will be providing protection on this mission." Oooooh, change of pace!

"Is there actually any reason why I should continue my job as a killer?" A question every assassin should ask themselves, I think

"HQ may or may not be trying to cut back on our shady overtime practices." Incredible. I can't believe even the underground spy agency has PTO. I wonder who regulates spy labour law

"If not for this bodyguard job, the three of us could've enjoyed this vacation together." AWWW Yor loves her family so much

"You can say this is a gangster's destiny." [Reba voice] A single mom who works too hard, who loves her kid never stops!

"Papa! We need to hurry up and explore the ship before it sinks!" "It's not going to sink! Stop scaring everyone." The fact the staircase looks distinctly modelled after that one scene from Titanic really sells Anya's point

Loid incapable of framing having fun as anything but a mission ljggkjgj truly he might benefit from a Real Psychologist

"That family's just for camoflauge, right?" "Yes, you're right... Is... that true?" I love Yor slowly admitting that she loves her family for their own sake 💗

As Yor was declaring doing her best, I did worry briefly that someone was going to [redact] Olka. Other anime have been less kind to me than Spy x Family

I love Yor making another mum friend in Olka 💞 Gal pals

Finally saying suspicious things in public has a consequence!!

"It's been a while since we've had dinner without Mama." "Yeah, it's a bit lonely." Hee hee, Loid misses his wife

I love the immediate transformation in Yor's face as soon as Olka/Shaty says she didn't order room service

I don't have much to say but I am really entranced by the assassin vs. assassin + informant goings on!!

"I may not look it, but I'm a married woman, so I'll have to decline." Absolutely loving Yor quietly and efficiently beating these hitmen unconscious as she passes through the cruise ship

"Which is it?! Would normal parents buy their child something in this situation or not?!" Loid is incapable of making a decision without thinking about how it looks in relation to him being a spy. Anxiety king

[In Anya's mind] "Yor! You're an assasin who hates frogs? Let's get a divorce. The Forgers are done." Like father, like anxiety-ridden daughter

"I am a normal father. A good father," said Loid, which is frankly not usually something a good or normal father would say

"Papa, you're not excited at all." Loid defeated by one (1) six-year-old's piercingly accurate psychoanalysis

Loid is facing a true Psychological Battle: The Fitting Room

Anya Ultimate Wingman Award for convincing everyone her mum's battle is actually a circus act

Awwww, Zeb, Fake Husband to Olka, likes her. I hope this is a healthy experience in Yor seeing other fake couples work it out, but I do also think Zeb could mega-die

"As long we people continue to be people, conflict will never end." Alright, Director Doomsday, calm down

"What am I? What am I doing this for?" [B Eilish voice] What was I made foooooor?

"Does she hate me? Or is she just going through a rebellious phase?" Loid whenever one of the Forger girls looks upset: THIS MUST BE MY FAULT SOMEHOW

A hasty and confident NO to Assassin Sniff's whole vibes

We interrupt this program to think about how cute Loid and Anya are!! I love Loid entertaining Anya and also supporting her while he thinks she's missing Yor

"Nice, Mr. Husband!" Oh good, we love a bulletproof vest for Zeb!

Truly a wild juxtaposition of Forger Family Fireworks Night:

"This might be a bit late to ask, but would you consider just peacefully going home?" I love you, Compassionate Combat

I'm having a hard time believing all this will happen without Loid eventually noticing; the fireworks are long gone. I actually do hope Loid crashes her battle, Director Doomsday is out cold

"I'm doing this to support my family.... wait. I guess I am also doing this for money. But... no, I make enough to survive now. I'm hunting down bad guys for my country! For my country? Have I always been so righteous? What am I doing this for?" Poor Yor, this is like the worst possible time for an existential crisis

YOR AND LOID BOTH BEING MOTIVATED BY THEIR DESIRE FOR OTHERS TO LIVE A PEACEFUL LIFE 😭💘😭💘😭💘😭💘

[In Yor's flashback] "Be it for someone else, or for a specific reason, having to endure a merciless job... That's something to be very proud of." I'm sure Loid will acknowledge me. He'll forgive me. I like to think so too, Yor!!

Never mind to Loid helping Yor out, he is busy disarming a bomb threatening to sink them. This truly is the Titanic LMAO

LGLHGLGJHGLJHG Anya accidentally tripping the assassins so they shoot each other. Like mother, like daughter 💖

"You'll be able to enjoy the symphony of agonized screams and roars coming through the wiretaps on this ship." I can't wait for Loid to sink this guy with his own clock-bomb

Update from 30 seconds later: See? Self-owned and sunk

Awwwww Yor really does deserve the baby hug after the day she's had:

"I pray that, someday, you and your family will be able to find true peace." OLKAAAA

"I know it was an emergency, but I ended up casting my family aside again." Loid and Yor having the same crisis about whether to prioritize their family or their jobs 🥺🥺🥺

Loid's blush at Yor catching him skipping as he continues to skip over in her direction. Hee hee

"I hope peaceful days like this will continue forever." ME TOO, YOR!

Get you a mum who would secretly beat up sharks for you ❤️‍🩹

Setting aside how fun snorkeling is, absolutely terrible idea to go into the ocean with an open wound OMG

Loid carrying his whole family is the cutest thing I've ever seen, 10 bajilion/10zo; perfect:

[Internally] "You did a great job." Loid is in loooooove

"I can never tell if he's actually clever, or clumsy." Me either, Handler

Anya learning about the vacation disparity of rich kids LMAO

"If youre going to create a persona for yourself, you need to be strategic and commit." Not Loid turning this lie lecture into a spy lecture in his mind

"Lying is too much work, so I'll try not to do it anymore." Anya's entire set of adult role models do nothing but lie all the time, she really has no frame of reference for honesty

I do a little bit hate the Becky fantasizing about Loid thing, I have been Cardcaptor Sakura'd too much in life

NOT ANYA SELLING OUT HER MUM FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF BECKY BEING HER RICH SIX-YEAR-OLD STEPMUM OH MY GOD

I feel like they take a lot of liberties in translating "Loid-sama" as "my precious Loid" but hey, he is precious

"Yor's going to get the wrong idea, somehow." Loid has finally registered that this child is obsessed with him and he is only concerned for wife not thinking he's a freak. A good husband above all else

"I really don't understand the children of rich people." Me either, Loid

I need you to see Loid's face as Becky declares that this is his expression of love for Yor:

"Your heart is as vast as the sky, and you're stronger than the earth itself. You're the perfect lady." Correct, Becky! Yor is amazing

"I had some extra souvenirs left after handing them out to everyone else. Do you want them?" LMAO @ the implication being lost on Fiona that he doesn't even think of her enough to warrant her own souvenir

I will say, I really do resonate with the theme of the ep being Loid is Hot and Amazing to Everyone But No One Will Ever Measure Up to Yor in His Eyes

"Maybe you're too nice, and biting and barking don't really suit you." Everyone in the Forger family is too nice for their job, including Bond Forger, Precognitive Puppy

Awwww Bond trying to help out all the humans with his visions

LNKFHKFHKJFH Loid really just got reprimanded by his dog

"And he went into save [Daisy the puppy]? What an impressive dog!" I love the Spy Dad-Psychic Puppy tag-team ❤️

[Internally] "I am a cool-headed spy. I cannot let my emotions show." Loid remains deadpan through SO many things but his dog looking a little funny while wet is his limit. What a man!

"Don't push yourself too hard. There's someone waiting back home who would be sad if you died." 1) V sweet, dad first, hero second. And 2) This is the second time Loid has directly spoken to his life situation with a simultaneous thinly-veined dog metaphor

WAHHHHHHH Loid and Bond's heroics being acknowledged by Anya giving them little paper Stellas:

Yor immediately joining in and congratulating them for their hard work on their walk!!! I LOVE ONE (1) SPY X FAMILY 😭😭😭😭😭 IT'S A NICE SHOW

[subway-boss-jericho]

Queuing posts for most of my AUs! Check out this Masterpost! (Disclaimer! - Please don't comment about their iconic knife bangs! I left them off this reference to keep their faces fully visible.)

Steady Tracks Do Not Waver

-Premise- On the return trip home from Hisui, Ingo does not return the same as he left. By some unknown cause, he has been transformed into a pokemon- 13ft tall, Steel, Ground, and very very out of his depth, he finds himself roaming the eerily familiar yet unfamiliar tunnels of Gear Station. Desperate to find a way to his "home" and remember who he is, that is when he encounters Subway Boss Emmet.

This story is not about Ingo. Or at least, not about his return. Ingo was taken out of the story many years ago, leaving Emmet behind to pick up the pieces of the life they always meant to spend together. The last several years he has walked without Ingo have forced him into an active, unavoidable struggle with grief and loss, until recent, when he finally began to come to terms with his solo-car life moving forward. However, now things are changing again. In the days leading up to their meeting, he hears rumors of a strange, powerful pokemon lurking in the subway. When Emmet finally stops in the right place at the right time to challenge it face to face- the face looking back is far too similar to the one he lost years before. It all bubbles back to the surface again; now, with an uncanny passenger in tow, he must keep moving forward down these uncertain tracks. Battling with grief once again, as he avoids pushing his old pains onto this new, familiar, face.

-Noteworthy Points- IF THIS AU INTERESTS YOU, please consider reading the prologue and chapter one on Ao3! Steady tracks! This is the one you probably know me for, if you know me at all. My poster boys!! My favoritest guys,, I want to include so many notes but I know most of the notes I want to write are all spoilers. Please poke me to keep writing <3 This AU is not even remotely dead I just have chronic burnout and it WILL continue please bother me about it whenever you want <3

This story is (and probably will continue to be) almost exclusively told from Emmet's point of view. It is a post-canon exploration of grief, change, and how to go on after everything you know is lost. THIS MEANS there is a LOT of discussion of death! NO ONE IS DEAD, but Emmet believes Ingo has died, and regularly experiences grief and/or talks about him as if he is dead. If that still bothers you, no problem! This is not going to be the fic for you. However, if it at all eases you to know that everyone is still alive, then have fun and maybe bring tissues because I really like writing people being upset (and also them getting better but, that involves them needing to be upset first.)

Also! New STIngo reference!! I have been working on updating the shape language of his design to look more like a pokemon and this is the most up-to-date version! If you want to draw him, reference this one! I swear I will get that side view done eventually, I fucking promise.

Enjoy <3 <3 I love this AU a lot.

-Links- Official Writing - Steady Tracks Do Not Waver Artwork - Fanart by Nyacat39 Artwork - Fanart by Dontmineit (1) Artwork - Fanart by Dontmineit (2) Discussion - The Luxury Ball Artwork and Trivia - Official Reference (Outdated) Artwork and Trivia - Updated Reference (Also Outdated) Discussion - "Awla Boah" Artwork - Fanart by Maelysgriffonne Artwork - Fanart by Dontmineit (3) Artwork - Big Nap (Durant <3) Artwork - CH1 Concept Sketches Artwork - STIngo Sprite Discussion - Coffee Artwork and Discussion - Sounds Discussion - Antagonists Discussion - Strong/Agile Style Moves Artwork and Discussion - Coffee pt.2 Artwork - Emmet's Office (3D Model)

[tf2heritageposts]

saw your post about chronic pain and thought i'd give some pointers (from someone who is developing chronic pain themself and is learning how to deal with it)

stretching is important. yes i know this is the most basic ass response someone can say but trust me here. i am an artist who has been in shrimp position for more than 50% of my life (thus far) and just doing simple shoulder, elbow, wrist and hand stretches before/after working helps a T O N in the long run. it will be painful at first! it always is! but stretching does help to prevent even more pain down the line. i am unsure what pain bothers you the most (mine is my feet, lower legs, lower back and arms), so i'd suggest starting with some simple stretches in the regions where you tend to have pain.

collagen. if you don't know what that is, i can give you a summary without the science-speak: its the stuff in your joints that keeps your cartilage from breaking down. best way(s) to get it? if you are simple, and can afford it, they sell the stuff as vitamin supplements. if you're looking for a way to just naturally get more into your diet, i would suggest bone broth. (yes you could buy bone broth, but if you go through meat on the regular, and are able to cut bones out of them, don't toss out the bones! make bone broth with em. i would give an entire guide of how to do it but i would be here for much longer)

waterrrrr. the drinkerrrrrrrrrrrrr. hydration is also really important for preventing joint pain (or really pain of any variety). making sure to get proper hydration is important. if you live in a city area where the tap water might not be good, please be sure to get mineral water and not pure distilled. while distilled does taste better, it lacks a lot of minerals that water can naturally have that would be of benefit to your health.

don't overexert yourself!!!!!!!! please please PLEASE be sure to sit down if you need to (and are able to). repeated overuse of your muscles/bones/tendons can have a negative impact in the worst ways possible. (also getting a walker or cane is ideal!!! most walgreens and/or cvs's have an asile dedicated to mobility aids!!! do not feel ashamed to use it if you need it!! please!!!)

in terms of short term solutions, ibuprofen will not kill you. just be sure to rotate tylenol and ibuprofen. doing this will prevent you from unintentional ODing. (you may have heard this one before. if so feel free to ignore it)

going to an arthritis clinic sooner rather than later is a good idea. i don't know what your physical/insurance situation is like, but as someone who just recently was told by a primary care that the symptoms i am having is similar to rheumatoid arthritis [which runs in the family] (and really needs to move into a different state or city or town and get a different insurance that can cover the cost of multiple arthritis doctor visits AND a doctor who will take them seriously), it is important that you go to an arthritis clinic as soon as possible. If you do not know where to go, and are able to ask your primary doctor for a referral, most primary care doctors will refer you to something that is on your healthcare plan

i do apologize if this was really really long and winding... i am not the best at keeping things short

well i just realized i am living badly because

- i never stretch

- i am comstanrlh underhydrated

- i am always up and out and about hyerexerting myself

- only use ibuprofen

thank you kindly man

[jorisjurgen]

43 for the jurgen-crepins? These characters have been living in my brain recently haha.

@dullard bc he also asked this, in his ask

43. What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

I had to sit down and think about this bc like that's some Deep stuff here...

Joris: Has no fucking idea what Kerubim is doing most of the time. It feels like a batshit insane chessgame. Is he wanting him to wash the dishes? Is he wanting him to stay at home and going at it in the most insane way? The world may never know. He knows well if Kerubim is feeling well or not, but his intentions always elude him.

He tends to assume the worst of people in general, because of his involvement in politics, and immortality. But it's easy for him to adjust to the knowledge that someone actually meant well, because he likes to give people chances (if they're willing to take them).

Otherwise, someone he thinks of as good turning out to be bad doesn't surprise him in the least. He's involved in courts. He's seen hundreds of sweet little princes and princesses grow up into kings and queens and commit warcrimes. He will come to kingdoms, be polite, give a gift or two to the royal family, all the while thinking of how aware he is, of the possibility. Though there are times when it stings, even now, to see someone grow into a worse version of themselves.

Also, he probably has a tendency to read into parent-child relationships and being relentlessly judgemental. I think in s4 he was trying to explode Eliatrope with his mind.

Kerubim: He's blind to any bad parenting that isn't outright physical/psychological/emotional abuse. He respects helicopter moms for their Passion, he respects neglectful parents for The Freedoms they provide, and he affectionately tells Joris that they're "best friends", and all of that is like, because of Ecaflip, even though on some level he does know he was mistreated.

He's very well at social stuff, when it doesn't concern his own personal life, — because when it concerns his personal life, he is chronically convinced everyone will leave. On some level, this delusion persists even 600 years deep into the codependent nightmare blunt rotation (though now not in a "they will leave :(" way, but in a "they can't leave me even if they want to :(" way.). He carries a lot of guilt about Atcham and Joris, so, he tends to catastrophize any of their bad moods, but also — he knows that he catastrophizes, so he has to gaslight himself that he isn't anxious (he's too proud to ask for reassurance) (his cluster-b swag...)

I think every time it is brought to his attention that Joris or Atcham don't like something he did, he deflates and begins feeling violently suicidal and nauseous and in physical pain. Which isn't his fault, but is the reason Joris doesn't ever bring anything up.

Atcham: EVERYONE IS ALWAYS OUT TO GET HIM AND HE NEEDS TO SHOOT THEM BEFORE THEY SHOOT HIM AND THEY ARE LAUGHING AT HIM. Besides having homicidal thoughts towards tired store clerks because they're looking at him weird (after a 10-hour shift), and reading too much into any conflict, — I think he's bad at getting it when someone dislikes him. He'll often think that someone who's acting polite out of fear/disgust Loves him. (Bad social skills from having no friends as a child + The 'tism)

If he is informed that someone he thought liked him actually hates him, he isn't surprised. Just angry. Angry at not being told out of the gate. When he's informed that someone doesn't hate him, he's pleasantly surprised. Like "oh they're jussst... annoyed today? not becaussse of me? hm." and he thinks about it for like a week.

600 years deep into the codependent nightmare blunt rotation, he is mostly out of this never-ending paranoia nightmare (he's too happy to be thinking about this shit anymore). He still doesn't get it when someone dislikes him, but it doesn't bother him as much if he realizes he's disliked, because that person is wrong and stupid, and doesn't deserve his glorious self anyway, and if nobody got him, then Joris and Kerubim got him.

Off-topic, but 1. He's kind of like Laios in terms of social skills and being creepy and off-putting. Except our guy's special interests are dismemberment, swords, and wig making. They have the same type of "my hungry ass could never be a brain surgeon 😭" autism. 2. I think he is anomalously good at detecting bad parenting that isn't physical/psychological/emotional abuse. Mostly because he likes to make fun of Kerubim, and it makes him predisposed to want to poke holes in Joris's Happy Childhood Memories. Makes him weirdly suited to give Joris DIY therapy. ("And did the sssstupid sssshelf ever fall on you? Ever sssstubbed your toe and landed on a russssty nail?" "Oh shut it-- I-- He got me vaccinated against that! After the first time" "SDDFGFAFS😭😭😭😭")

[letmeremindyouvn]

Delay again, and chronic pain.

I haven't been able to work on the game or answer asks recently. I know I mentioned that I was planning to answer more asks and show updates, and I apologize that for that.

I've been sick on and off for the past few months, and also I've been dealing with a chronic pain that is slowly becoming a problem. Around the end of last year I had a mild pain in my left foot, but I didn't bother since it didn't hurt much. But it's been getting gradually worse, and is now at a "limping while walking and need to sit down a lot" stage.

I'm planning to have it checked out. As of now, I think the pain could be why I feel so tired and anxious all the time, which has been causing me to not be able to draw, or to do certain daily tasks as well.

I'm hoping I will be able to get better, and also try to deal with the anxiety and work on the game again. I'm sorry progress has been so slow and I keep pushing back the updates and full release of Be My Muse.

Once again, I appreciate everyone's patience. Thank you so much for your support. <3

[cpunkwitch]

Sorry to bother you,, this might be a bit venty or something, but I think I need some advice.

Recently it feels like it's been getting harder for me to walk, my legs don't necessarily hurt, or ache, they just feel stiff, hard to move and unstable. I'm not sure how to feel, I'm practically limping when I walk (not exactly but it feels like often one leg is dragging behind a little, if that makes sense) and any running or even speed walking makes my legs hurt and my chest hurt + makes it hard to breathe

This might not be a problem if it isn't for the fact I'm still in school and need to walk to and from it almost daily (+ walking inside the school)

Honestly I don't know what I can do, I can't go to the doctor because my parents won't believe me and will just tell me to "exercise more" and it's not like I can get any mobility aids. I'm scared of losing the ability to walk, though I know it's probably not likely to happen,, maybe I'm overreacting to this? I don't know. It's been happening for a week now, maybe a little longer. Talking has also been getting a bit harder too, and my spine hurts a lot, but I'm not sure if they're connected or not

Sorry if this isn't something you can give advice too, honestly I'm not sure why but you're the only person I thought to come to when I needed to talk about this

- chronic pain anon

You're not over reacting Hun this is something serious and you are right to look for something to do about it.

My mom has suggested trying taking c and d vitamins (specifically D) and if after a few weeks you notice no improvements try getting your school nurse on your side (if you have one), tell the nurse what's going on and what you tried to do about it and the nurse will give your parents a referral to see the doctor so you can actually talk to one about seeing a specialist (hopefully)

Vitamins are easy to get just about anywhere, if you get a chance to purchase some at a store nearby and keep them on you so you remember to take them, you can get kids Tylenol (if chewables take 3-4, if powdered 2 packets are equal to regular strength and 4 is extra) which should at least ease up the pain and make it more tolerable for a few hours during school

If anyone has anything to add, suggest etc please feel free to leave it in the notes

[solarisii]

It's okay to be sad, angry, afraid, depressed. And it's okay to talk about and vent those feelings. Don't let uounir anyone else say you're a burden or being annoying by discussing your feelings. Anyone who says that isn't worth your time.

Thank you so much. It's just difficult ya? Like I don't want to hurt, scare anyone away, trigger anyone else, and/or like you said (and I've said before) be a burden or be annoying. A good number of my problems are still happening/reoccurring so it also just feels like every vent is basically the same.

Part of my vents honestly I think is just to be heard and understood by folks. Despite my own communication difficulties.

And uuuhhhh sorry, this in and of it's self kinda became a vent below so...

I'm trying my best but all of my best has felt like it's been chipped away. I'm depressed, chronically anxious both generally and socially, feeling useless and like a burden because I can't work and recently I haven't even been able to make much art. Feeling like a failure in my transition because I think I maybe on too low of a dose but am too afraid to ask and that i have basically haven't been able to present differently like 99% of the time. On top of that years of low-key abuse came to a very explosive point a couples years ago and that scrambled everything harder. And I've had some bad doc experiences, with one as a teen telling me I'd be dead by 30 and it's hard to shake that being 30 now. Really feeling that running out of time. With my most recent appointment talking about some of my failings with my own health has the endless repeating thought of "I'M GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE SOON FROM EITHER MEDICAL OR FASCISM" which isn't a great thought , let alone me being crammed in-between the thought of how I should just die.

And there's things that like logically I know but for some reason I can't use/implement anymore. Like apologizing too much and rewording it to be thank you. I just can't anymore it feels like such a lie because I am so sorry for bother someone or sometimes just for existing. Or not using words like failure(failure is a step not a permanent point or affliction), burden(that's just being, it comes with existing), or useless (by who's standards) to describe myself but like I don't have other words to describe these feeling and thoughts eating through me.

Then there's the basics of like Get exercise! (makes me actively suicidal, idk why), Get good and consistent sleep! (I've literally never been able to), Eat well!(I don't have an excuse for this I just fucking suck at it). I'm in therapy and I've gone through like 8 meds, each one/combo taking weeks to try and only for it to sometimes just make everything almost worse. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if there's something wrong with my brain to make that many not work but.

I'm so so so so tired I'm in both physical and emotional pain, and have been hopeless for months now. I'm trying my best I swear I am. Right now I'm stuck just trying to get through each day and stay alive. I AM sad I AM angry I AM afraid and I AM depressed. I just wanna be a happy weird dog girl who play video games, draws, and has wonderful times with her friends who is atleast somewhat understood. I want it so bad.

[spooniechef]

The Spoonie Garden

I’ve mentioned this in a couple of posts, and now it’s probably time for the full post about it. A little while after I got officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I decided to start trying a little herb garden. It started just in propagator boxes on my windowsill, but soon moved to pots hanging on the balcony rail. I have no idea what possessed me to try gardening right when I’d been diagnosed with a chronic pain condition, but I think it had something to do with wanting something nice, and also wanting something to nurture and care for in the hopes that doing so would motivate me to do the same for myself. Either way, I never looked back, and I’m even trying flowers this year, because having herbs is nice but I wanted something that was just pretty.

Now, a lot of people think they can’t have a window or balcony garden. I was one of them until I decided to try it anyway. One of the things I found was that a lot of the things people worry about aren’t that big a deal. Light levels, for instance. My flat faces northwest, and it doesn’t get a lot of sun; I was always told that this would make it very hard to keep a garden. But honestly, there’s been light enough for most of the herbs I’ve wanted to grow, and even enough for tomatoes. Space isn’t so much of an issue either; most of the herbs I grow are pretty self-contained, and I could move them all indoors if I had to for the winter. Thing is, even that’s not a necessity for most of them; I had a lot of my herbs outside and while they seemed to die over the winter months, the spring brought them right back. It’s really a matter of remembering to water them daily (not even that in the winter months when they’re mostly hibernating), maybe treat them to some plant food once a week, and cutting them back when winter’s coming to dry the herbs for use in the winter months. (Another reason that a dehydrator is such a good investment.) Plus it makes a lot of recipes a bit more budget-friendly, having your own fresh herbs on demand. The problem with recipes that only call for a couple of sprigs of a certain herb is that supermarkets never sell them in “just a couple of sprigs”, so you end up paying above the odds for a bunch of herbs knowing that you’ll throw away half of them.

Here’s my list of must-have herbs for the window or balcony, with pictures:

Parsley

Parsley sees use in a lot of different recipes, and it’s sturdier than you’d think. At the time this was taken, the tallest stalks were waist-high on me. I haven’t used it much, but my mother dropped by for a few stalks the other day, and I’ve been thinking of trying parsley sauce, so it’s good to have.

Sage and Rosemary

These both survived the winter outdoors, even during a cold snap, with no trouble at all. Sage and rosemary are wonderful in stews, to stuff a whole chicken, all sorts of things. Plus, of course, my recent lemon and rosemary steak recipe needs the rosemary, so it came in very handy today.

Oregano and Thyme

These two looked like they died over the winter. I cut back the oregano but didn’t bother with the thyme. I don’t know why I left the pots out there, but when I saw new green growth in and amongst the dead-looking stalks, I just watered them and waited to see what would happen. This is the end result; since that picture was taken, the oregano has only got bigger, and the thyme is almost entirely green and is flowering. I’m a big fan of oregano, especially in pasta sauces, and it’s so much better fresh. Thyme’s also good in stews and in whole roast chicken, and at least one recipe I’ve made recently called for it, so both have been worth it.

Mint, Coriander / Cilantro, and Dill

The mint is another one I cut back over the winter and watched it resurrect come spring. I have plans for mint sauce, and I stick the leaves in the dehydrator and have an endless source of mint tea. I also have plans towards learning how to make my own mint extract. As for the coriander / cilantro ... well, that I did have to replant this year, but it’s come along nicely. One of the dill plants (the one in the grey pot) is also one I planted this spring, but the other is actually a rescue plant - I got one of those pots of live dill from the supermarket for my refrigerator dill pickle recipe, and decided to repot it to see if it would thrive. Looks like it did. Now I’m never short of dill for my refrigerator dill pickles; I don’t have to buy £1 worth of dill to use maybe eight sprigs and throw the rest away, and all it costs me is some time watering them in the morning.

(Not pictured - basil, which I recently repotted and moved outside but isn’t quite impressive enough to take pictures of yet. Another one that’s good for pasta sauces, though I forgot my resolution to grow enough for pesto sauce this year.)

It’s an investment of time and spoons, but it’s got serious benefits. Watching something you planted grow is kind of miraculous, in its way, and I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me at least, it helps my mental state. I have moments of feeling pretty helpless and trapped and useless with the fibromyalgia. I mean, I can’t go to half the places I used to, I walk with a cane, and there are so many doors closed to me because of all of this. But my little balcony garden shows me that I can still do things, even if it’s only watering the plants once a day and remembering to throw in some plant food once a week. There’s tangible proof that I am accomplishing something in spite of how much I hurt.

Also, again, fresh herbs are vastly superior to dried herbs, and picking them fresh off the plant is better still. A non-starter in winter, admittedly, but when most of your herbs will actually benefit from being cut down in winter and the ones that don’t won’t take long to replant, at least being able to dry your own herbs for winter use saves money in the long run.

It’s not something that everyone can do, having a little garden, but more people can do it than think they can. If you don’t have a balcony, a windowsill will do. A lot of plants will be okay with whatever light you can give them. Also, when you’ve watched something go from a tiny shoot to a foot-high explosion of aromatic greenery, it’s pretty easy to remember to water them. Just remember to always use a bigger pot than you think they’re going to need when repotting. Roots need room to breathe, and if there’s not enough soil to absorb water, the water you give it will just drain out and your plant will wilt no matter how much you water it.

Fresh herbs are a joy in the kitchen, and they don’t take as much space, or as many spoons, to maintain as you’d think. Maybe give it a try with just one if you’re a little nervous about it - pick your favourite herb and get some seeds and soil, and try it at home. Therapeutic and tasty.

[sleepystars-blurriedskies]

Welcome

My name is Sleepy, Star, or Ash(unless you're a Clown, who have special privileges)

It/Its pronouns Only

Using the wrong pronouns = Fuck Around Find Out

I identify as a Mspec Lesboy among quite a few other labels, if you have a problem with that the door and the block button are both free.

If you think I seem familiar, or know me from somewhere there's a high chance you do. I was a mod on Plural Pond(derogatory) known as Mod Insom💤. Or perhaps you know me from the 14 year old that has beef with me from when I was 15, Idk what it's about but they want me to die over it so anyone willing to clarify is welcome to(also I had to block them despite being on their dni). Or even better yet you know me from the person who accused me of stalking and abusing my ex, which is hilarious because I'm still on good terms with them. Most recently though, it is likely to be the Mutual Death Battle I hosted not too long ago (related semi-ongoing arg my pov can be found @goldengildedgod)

On to more important things! I'm mentally ill and physically disabled. Chronic Pain, Chronic Migraines with Aura, Seizures caused by aforementioned Migraines, Parkinson's, DID, ADHD, Autism, NPD with BPD and ASPD traits. Feel free to ask questions about these, though I can't promise my answer will be great

I stream every so often, and I write mostly poetry. Though I also write stories occasionally. I do draw a bit as well though very little is digital. If you're looking for my streaming content check @sleepygalactic and related accounts, and if you're looking for my writing check @midnightscriptures. No art blog as I really don't post my art.

If you're looking for any of my various fandom blogs check @teaparty-in-ruan, @mcyt-hell, and @just-a-fucked-up-lil-guy.

I run a discourse blog, but you'll have to dm me for that if you want to know what it is.

If you want to find me on my other socials I'm @sleepystarryskies on Bluesky! And from there you can ask about my others

I don't have a dni so much as, I Don't Give A Fuck Stop Bothering Me.(this goes triple for syscourse, stop fucking bothering me I used to be anti endo like a year ago now i have more important shit going on and you couldn't pay me to care) If you don't pass the vibe check you get blocked if you do pass the vibe check there's a good chance I'll follow you back.

If you aren't mutuals or at the very least someone I've actually talked to before and ask who's fronting I'm taking you out back and old yeller'ing you.

Run a blog for gender and sexuality things, mostly collecting, @sleepy-genders. And a blog for yearning & such, that hasn't been touched in a year, @inkstained-tearyeyed.

I now have a tagging system! Kinda.

Awake To Post - og posts

I saw this and you do to - reblogs

Assholery with Anons - any and all anons I get

Sleepy Bullies Its Mutuals - Any ARG things that happened on this blog

Mutual Death Battle - self explanatory

Spammies - spam posts

If you have a problem with me please take it up with the department of I Don't Give A Fuck ❤️

[sasharjones]

You might have noticed me mentioning some stuff about some chronic pain/health issues in my recent posts, so just for an update with more clarity: I've had occasional flare ups in my left hip for years, but as of this past December, I started getting them more frequently and in my right hip too, and now the right is much worse. At the end of working Further Confusion, standing was too painful, so I had to sit on the table during Dealer's Den breakdown and just verbally direct my partner and some very generous friends helping me to pack up our elaborate setup. Once I got back home, I could only be on my feet for 2-3 hours a day total until the inflammation died down over a few weeks.

X-rays showed arthritis in my hips, but now I suspect it's also impacting my hands. And I'm realizing that increasingly over the last few years, any time I've gotten into a good enough exercise habit for a long enough time, eventually I hit an inflammation wall there too, whether its in my legs or my arms or shoulders.

So I'm dealing with chronic pain and limited physical capability, but we don't have a diagnosis yet. I'm 35 so this level of arthritis is unusual, and I suspect something systemic, or at least that some seed of this has always been a part of me, based on memories of never being able to 'sit normal', having trouble standing for long periods when it didn't seem to bother other kids, etc. But now it's caught up with me in a big way, and even rolling over in bed can be an iffy prospect. Blood tests came back negative for autoimmune stuff but I don't know if that included inflammation disorders yet.

I'm very fortunate to have my spouse and close friends willing to help me with the things that I can't/shouldn't do right now, but I'm also very much hoping that I can find some answers and get at least some of my physical capability back. Right now it varies week by week whether I could handle a short light hike, or whether I need to ask my husband to get something from upstairs because it's too risky for me to go up one flight without making things worse.

So right now I can do most of the things I need to do (except on the days that I simply can't), but not for as long or as hard, and some things (like a lot of my more intensive garden work) are completely off the table. I'm getting a little better at managing things, which mostly means getting better at asking for help. Hopefully a bigger solution is out there waiting for me, but that's probably months away, based on all the insurance hoops I need to jump through, and understaffed medical options in my city.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Eyes, Internets, etc.

Okay! I successfully ate in the Denny's without sunglasses today! Our nearest Denny's has, like, spotlights on every table. It has been really painful to eat in restaurants like that, and shop, but I am getting better.

It's still not super comfortable for me to read. I'm not a fan of my surgery results thus far, but a big part of that is I'm not getting much aftercare. "Will my eyes improve to the point that I can once again look over and read my spouse's computer screen, a social interaction I value a great deal?" I wonder. "Your appointment has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances, please reschedule it," says the eye doctor. This is the one local person I've found who specializes in binocular vision dysfunction, whom I contacted after self-diagnosing. Nobody else had any idea why I was sick and in pain.

I'm an individual. I went into this with an obvious unique issue (my left eye impairs my binocular vision) and a bunch more less obvious (autistic, problems healing, multiple chronic health issues, etc) only some of which these people bothered to ask me about and then, like usual, they forget all this information and treat me like the default. "Hey, these eye drops don't work!" *crickets* "Yep, okay, back to doing my own research and buying shit off Amazon in case it helps."

But, I am improving. Me and my arsenal of OTC products which may or may not be helping but I'm getting real sick of my eyes not working so I'm throwing everything at the wall to see if it sticks. I'm going to try to get back to the feed and the social interaction. I've tried before and it hasn't been any fun, but now I can eat in the Denny's so we'll see.

The world moves on and stuff's been happening during my extended hiatus. Just to tick off two major things I would've written way more about: There is no justification for genocide, and wow, I gave money to con-artist and plagiarist James Somerton. One of these things is VASTLY more important than the other, but I have less of a personal stake in freeing Palestine. I think I've done all I can to back away from my country of origin and its propensity for letting a little ethnic cleaning slide when it's politically feasible. But I could've done better research on my donations.

I haven't been fucking READING much for the past couple years. Not, you know, books. It's been taking more effort for me to read books, even though I'm still probably reading just as much across various websites (and my own writing and editing). Well, it's still an effort, and I don't know if that's going to change much. Because, once again, I believed people when they said something would be easy to fix and improve my quality of life. I'm sure it's been easy for them, but it's never easy for me. Jury's still out on my "quality of life," which everyone is always very concerned with until it requires some extra effort on their part.

It might still be fine. It just won't be because doctors pay attention and care about me. It'll be because people generally heal and are fine. You can get away with a lot when human bodies are fairly resilient.

Last week, when I needed a refill on some goddamn heartburn medication that a gastroenterologist said I ought to take for the rest of my life to reduce my risk of developing cancer, my family doctor threatened to withhold it because... I haven't been in for a while. I've been back to the specialists I had to beg him to send me to, multiple times, and he has access to my records (and somehow missed my most recent blood work) but apparently he needs to talk to me about...?? I don't even know what, but I bet he'll tell me to take more herbs. ...If he doesn't altogether say he didn't want me to make a phone appointment, he wanted me to come sit in his office and deal with the lights and noise for some reason. We'll see.

I can't... There's not even a word for it, but I can't divest myself of this person and stop him from viewing my records and violating my privacy. Leaving your family doctor in order to not have one is not a thing Canada allows. Obviously, you want a family doctor! Especially if the only alternative is not having one at all! You need one! That may be the case, but this one is kinda low-key trying to kill me and there aren't any others. I would rather have a clinic OKing my prescriptions and sending me to specialists. At least they wouldn't pull bullshit like cutting off my heartburn meds because they might want an update on my thyroid which they should not require me to give them. Or, you know, if they did, I could at least go to another clinic.

This guy can't even remember how to pronounce my name. He's clearly reading it off a piece of paper every time. If and when I change my name and gender officially, I hope it either bothers him so much he fires me as a patient, or it kills him. Those are kinda my only options for getting rid of him. Wow. I'm praying for a guy's death and it's not even one of the ones doing the genocide - man, I'm selfish.

Oh well. This'll be another stressful week with more medical stuff, some of it unnecessary, but maybe I can get back to the feed tomorrow. And maybe I'll be able to draw without making myself sick soon. This too shall pass. I dunno if I'm gonna like where I end up after it passes, but it will pass.

Then I'll have a whole new thing to deal with.

[llamamonger]

I’ve tried to give my friend space since they’ve been distant with me for a while now, even after I thought we’d talked things out well enough to be normal. They got me a fun present for my birthday, which I was so happy about, but I started to worry that it was mostly to save face. They still don’t text me and tend to ignore my messages, even though I’ve been trying not to bother them. Even in person I feel ignored sometimes. They’ve grown closer to our mutual friend, the sibling of their partner, and anytime I’m around them both, typically not included in the conversation, I feel just the deepest grief—it’s like watching what I used to have & will never have again flaunted in front of me. Like I have no place in my friend’s life anymore. And I can’t take it much longer. I already told them a while ago how lonely I feel, from the autism primarily but also being aroace, and how this whole ordeal has exacerbated that feeling & how I’ll need to avoid putting myself in situations that make me feel lonely for the sake of my health.

Since before they started dating (6 months), I’ve been dealing with mysterious pain in my ear/throat. I recently found out the cause is likely a blood clot in my jugular vein, somewhere inside my head. Not sure where all this will lead, but before I found out the pain had a very serious cause (instead of being something chronic & nonfatal), I was preparing to let my friend know that I can’t do a half-ass friendship—that I need them to commit to a real friendship with me or end the friendship entirely. Having hope for a real friendship & having it dashed over and over again has been almost unbearable. I’d rather be able to kill it entirely and grieve than wait for them to come back around (which I doubt is even the option people seem to think it is—the rest of my friends were less intentional about cutting me out of their lives when they got married). I was going to let them know that they were well within their right to end the friendship—I did hurt them at times, and that was unfair to them since I knew from the time I began the friendship that there was a high likelihood I would hurt them despite all efforts not to. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have continued at all once I realized that, or warned them at least, because in that moment I knowingly chose to subject them to hurt, regardless of whether I was trying my best to avoid the inevitable. They’re informed enough now, though, to decide if my friendship is worth the pain I bring with me, and all I want is for them to be fully in or fully out, hot or cold—not back & forth or somewhere in between. I couldn’t deal with chronic pain in addition to all the emotional pain that the half-friendship was causing.

However, now that I have a severe medical issue, I don’t want them to take this as emotional blackmail. But I also don’t want them pretending that we’re friends during all this just to save face. And if they do sincerely care about me, it may hurt them if I’m casting doubt on that, and I don’t want to push them further away. But perhaps this is the watershed moment it needs to be.