#my childhood dog is also getting quite old and having health problems so i think she's not too far behind

[werewolf4vampire]

my childhood cat is going to be put to sleep tomorrow..

[ramzawrites]

Hey, so I'm having a really rough time rn (dealing with bs from my friend group, we have to take my really old dog to the vet today bc we found blood in her pee and we're scared that she won't make it this time, I'm struggling with my mental health, I'm just kinda goin thru it rn ig) so I would love a comfort fic with the sbi maybe with the reader as their sibling where the reader is the one that always comforts the fam, but hides their emotions until (1/2, very sorry about splitting it)

(2/2) something happens that makes the reader have a full on breakdown? I'll leave the rest to you, it can be a good or bad ending, headcanons or one shots, anything. You can ignore this request if you want/if it makes you uncomfortable. Please don't feel pressured/guilt tripped to write anything from this, your mental health comes first and I'm sure you're already really busy. Reminder to eat something today if you haven't yet and get a drink of water <3

We are family - Reader and SBI!Brothers

GN

Pairings: none

Characters included: Wilbur, Technoblade, Tommy, (mentioned) Niki, (mentioned) Schlatt

Warnings: n/a

Series: a request <3

Summary: Y/N came back from an errand and surprises their brothers with their weird behavior. Trying to put on their usual smile, trying to hide away their real emotions but their brothers know them better than they inititally suspected. They could immediately tell that something must have happened.

Words count: 2060

Authors Note: I’m so sorry this took so long! I hope you and your dog are doing better! 💙 I wish I could give you more than words of encouragement and that I managed to get faster to this request, I apologize Please make sure to take care of yourself, alright? Take time for yourself to deal with the stress and anxiety! Make sure to stay hydrated and remember to eat! Even if it’s just something small!

Once again I apologize for the long wait, I felt really bad already and then I kinda put it off because I felt bad.

adhd hit hard again and haven’t checked for typos yet, but will get on it as soon as I can o7

On another note if you want to read another comfort fic; I have a small series called “A Painful Reminder” which is more angsty but the 2nd part is more about the comfort, if that is something for you 

Living in the SMP was chaotic, turbulent and at times downright painful.

Most people tended to gravitate to one cause or other people to deal with this. Holding on to something so they don’t get pulled under. Get buried beneath the chaos and the violence.

So having people like Y/N around was like a godsend. They were one of the few people that seemed to be able to withstand the constant waves of misfortune and stand strong. Be the rock to hold onto when everything got too overwhelming.

Wilbur, Technoblade and Tommy loved their sibling for it.

After Wilbur and Tommy got exiled with Y/N out of L’Manberg, they were there and cheered both of their siblings up. Immediately making plans on how to set up a safe home and collecting ideas on how to get back. They were the one who managed to get a message out to Technoblade and asked him to visit them. Maybe help them.

Wilbur often jokingly said that Y/N was the glue that held the family together, to which they would always reply with the warmest of smiles “I’m glad.”

And what he said was true. Whenever the family fell on hard times and they began to drift apart it was Y/N who pulled all of them back. Pulling them back to reality and giving solutions for their problems if needed.

Sitting down with Wilbur when things got to much. Listening to his thoughts and worries, letting his emotion run freely without judgement. While they looked worried for him, their comforting smile never faltered. Offering him solutions to problems if he wanted it, otherwise they gave him the chance to just air his own thoughts out. To be angry with him. Sad with him.

Working with Tommy on his own projects. Listening to his ideas and giving him a different perspective that could improve some things but also respecting it when Tommy wanted to do this his way. And while he liked to brag and pretend that some things didn’t hit him that hard, they were still patiently listening to him as he spoke about his own pain in a more roundabout way. Telling him that he was not alone and making him feel heard.

Talking to Technoblade whenever the voices got too loud or out of hand again. He would just walk over to them and nudge them away, asking them to talk about something, no matter what. He just needed to hear their voice and be able to concentrate on it. Tune out the garbled voices in his head with a familiar sound that calmed him down no matter what. Leaning against them, slowly falling asleep as Y/N told all about how they were happily working on their own farm and what shenanigans they got up to.

Y/N really was like the warm sun on a cold day. Warming them up and protecting them.

Yes, Y/N was strong. So strong that even Technoblade considered them stronger than him. Maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally.

A clanging of metal rung through the cave. Techno was training with Wilbur while Tommy was just watching. Cheering on Techno.

It wasn’t an unusual situation and something Y/N expected to see as they made their way down the staircase. Wilbur in full iron armor and weapon while Techno just fought back with his own iron sword.

“Hey, Y/N! Welcome back!” Wilbur breathed out. Sweat running down the side of his face as he stopped attacking his brother.

The three men looked happily over to their sibling who slowly walked towards them but soon their expressions fell. Something was off about Y/N and it confused the three.

Their smile was as always plastered on their face but it looked strained. Their eyes wide open, trying to look sincere and loving but the glassy look of them gave off a different picture.

“Y/N? You okay?” Tommy asked as he stood up from the ground. Taking a step closer to them which made them in return stop in their tracks.

Y/N was hugging themself, shakily opening up their mouth to answer but nothing came out. It was then when Techno got very aware of how they were shaking in general.

This all seemed so wrong. This shouldn’t be possible. It just didn’t seem to register fully inside their minds.

Wilbur made sure to get rid off his sword and armor as fast as he could, walking over to his sibling, trying to get a better look at them but they just avoided his gaze.

Staring at the ground, slowly shaking their head “It’s- It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“You aren’t. You really aren’t. What happened? Did they find you?” Techno asked, his voice full with worry. A bit of anger hidden as well.

Y/N had their own little farm in order to support Pogtopia. The potatoes from Techno were great but variety is important after all. Though they also had an abundance of wheat they usually tried to smuggle into Manberg for Niki. Trying to help her out as much as possible with her taxes and work.

This time Y/N nodded “They did… It’s fine though. I’m fine. I’m not hurt. It’s all good.”

Wilbur’s frown deepened “Usually when people have to be so adamant about being okay something isn’t alright.”

Tommy nodded, supporting his statement only to whisper to himself “Adamant? What does-“

But Wilbur continued “We are your family, talk to us.”

Y/N licked their chapped lips “I’m-“

The tears finally escaped their eyes and begun streaming down their face. Sobbing they fell down on the ground. Wilbur immediately followed suit, laying his arm around them and pulling them against his chest. His hand flew up to their head and begun going through their hair, trying to calm them down. Humming a soft tune from their childhood.

It was the first time in their lives they saw Y/N break down like that and it was quite frankly shocking.

Unsure what to do with himself Tommy squatted down “Um, uh, what- what happened?”

Techno was still gripping the iron sword in his hand. Pacing up and down. Manberg found them? What the hell did they do to make Y/N break down like that? His own sibling! Whatever it was he would make sure to pay it back a thousand times over.

“Tommy can you grab them some water?” Wilbur laid his chin on top of Y/N’s head, rubbing circles now on their back.

He didn’t even hesitate, jumping up to run towards one of the chests with food items that Y/N had always ready for them. Grabbing a water bottle and running back over. Happy that he could do something else besides staring.

Tommy then pushed the bottle towards Y/N who gratefully took it, putting some space between them and Wilbur as they drank some of the cold liquid which helped them to calm down.

“You ready to tell us what happened?” Techno stopped pacing around. His gaze purely trained on his crying sibling. Anger still rising in him just like the voices.

Screaming things like “Technosib! How dare they hurt them! Protect them! I love Y/N so much! Why would anyone hurt Y/N! They always help us! Let’s help them for a change! Technosib! Let’s go out and fight them! Yeah! Blood for the Blood God and Y/N!”

Y/N’s voice was still wavering and a bit scratchy from their sobbing as they begun speaking “Hey, hey! Techno don’t concentrate on the voices. Listen to me. It’s all good.”

This somehow made Techno angry. He threw the sword away and finally knelt down next to them as well so his face was on the same eye level as theirs “Stop. Please. Stop thinking about us for one second. Stop trying to not make us uncomfortable or worried! Tell us what happened! Please.”

He was basically begging at the last part. All his worry packed into it.

“Yeah, honestly you trying to make sure everything is okay for us makes us even more worried.” It surprised the others a bit that this came from Tommy but he was correct.

Tears fell down their face again “I- I was just delivering more wheat to Niki and someone must have followed me. They followed me back to my farm and- and- they burned my fields down. There were explosions. I- it was just my farm. I did not harm. Just, why does it always have to end like this. Why do all the good things always end like this. Why can’t this place let something be. There is always something.”

The farm was so important to Y/N. It was their little project they put so much sweat, love and work into. It was their home away from home. A place to retreat and enjoy some peace. This obviously was devastating. It was their one thing they had for themself. The one thing that wasn’t there for anyone else but them.

It was also clear that this seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and it broke the three a bit that they only now seemed to notice this. That it took that long and their whole farm being destroyed for the realize this was heartbreaking.

“Who?” Techno urged but Y/N shook their head.

“I don’t know. Everything went so fast and I tried to save as much as I could but- but it’s all gone. It’s all gone.” Their voice jumped up an octave at the end, burying their face against Wilbur’s shoulder again. Silently sobbing.

It should have been impossible but Wilbur’s frown deepened and his expression turned more grim “Don’t worry. We will get back at them. We will get our revenge. They will see firsthand what they did to you, I promise.”

Shocked Y/N looked up, their red and puffy eyes wide open “Wil, that’s not what I- no revenge. There is already too much misery going around I just want this to stop. I just want all of us being able to live in peace.”

Wilbur should have known that Y/N was too good natured for that but he couldn’t help himself. He was just so angry. Angry at Schlatt and Manberg. That they went for him was one thing but to go out of their way to treat Y/N like this? Let’s just say he put it on the list in bold letters with reasonings on why he will get back at the Manberg faction.

“Listen Y/N.” Techno begun, his voice now calm again “Stop it. Just for once think about yourself. Stop thinking about others for once. You are also worthy of the same care you give us. Let us at least help rebuild your farm. You always help us with our projects, let us help you with yours.”

Tommy seemed to lit up at that “That sounds like a good idea! We could build towers around your new farm and make sure no one gets in! We could put down traps and all!”

He really wasn’t sure how to react but that was at least something he could do for them. As the past General’s right hand man, this should be something he can do. If he couldn’t protect his sibling how could he ever hope to get L’Manberg back.

Wilbur seemed to think about it for a bit but agreed “Yeah, how does that sound?” Though the dark glint in his eyes stayed. The cogs in head still running off with his own thoughts.

“You guys would? Since when can you guys build?” a dry laugh escaped them but it was a laugh nonetheless.

Both Tommy and Wilbur looked almost appalled at that claim while Techno just shrugged and nodded. Just looking around Pogtopia was more functioning than good looking after all. Y/N tried to pretty it up a bit but usually something always happened around here.

“Also Y/N, please talk to us more. Don’t bottle everything up. Please. We worry a lot about you and we love you. You always do so much for us, let us do the same.” Wilbur pushed Y/N a bit off of him and looked them deep into their eyes, hoping that this would really hammer in that this was a genuine plea.

As a respone Y/N wiped the tears off their face “I understand. I’ll try to remember that.”

“Don’t try just do it.”

[vahanians]

answer all in detail I dare you this is for reminding me of dmmd

you’re never gonna let me live that down are u smh

EE here we goooooo

1: LOL no but i do think you’re a freak if you outright hate cats. theyre not doing anything to you they’re just chilling and you dont know how to read their body language. i get not liking dogs bc they can be scary but people who hate cats are always like “cats killed my parents and burned my house down so i think they should all be put down” like shut up freak

2: i think skin care is a scam tbh all u need is sunscreen if you’re gonna spend time in the sun but other than that just use normal water and soap ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i havent ever had issues with my skin w this method especially since i stopped wearing makeup. u dont need a 10 step routine with creams and serums you’re just spending money you could use elsewhere

3: i cringe everytime this is brought up. i think a lot of claims have roots in misogyny but i dont think its an actual axis of oppression and im tired of hearing about it

4: i dislike political lesbianism on an intimate level. there’s nothing wrong with wanting to center women in your life but you cant choose to be a lesbian. sexual orientation doesnt work that way. and a lot of political lesbians/lesbian feminists are just plain old homophobes who are disgusted by actual lesbians

5: love it wish i could live my life completely separate from men!! i think women should center women in their lives/surround themselves with other women. whether its only having female healthcare providers, having female educators, coworkers, friends etc; i think its incredibly important and more women should be less afraid of it

6: as a so-called gold star i dont understand the hate tbh if anything there should be more support for lesbians so they dont need to ~explore~ with men or force themselves to be with men. in a perfect world all lesbians would be gold stars because we would feel safe and comfortable in our sexualities from the get go

7: i think centering your feminism on your sexuality is a little silly. we have different experiences but we should be focused on liberation for ALL women. i think we have different priorities and i know hetfems can be extremely homophobic which is a huge problem. but like we’re all women so

8: personally? i get it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ not only should women be able to access abortions for any reason, i completely understand not wanting to bring another male into this world. could u imagine having a male baby who grows up to be a pornsick patriarchal piece of shit? id kms

9: while i get the desire to ~go back to nature~ i think its kind of bullshit. we have science and medicine for a reason so get your flu shot and quit expecting elderberry syrup to be a miracle drug. ntm a solid majority of health supplements and herbal remedies are NOT fda approved so they’re full of toxic shit and like sawdust its not as healthy as you think it is. also preservatives good i like my junkfood tyvm

10: pastel blogs no but age regression? yeah tbh i dont understand wanting to treat yourself/be treated as a literal child when you’re a grown adult. its very icky to me and i do think that a good majority of it is fetishization of children/childhood its gross. you can like cute stuff and kid stuff without being a weirdo freak about it

11: bad i think all polyamory ppl are just looking for “ethical” ways to cheat on their partners with no repercussions. if you arent satisfied in your relationship you need to take a look at yourself and not go “oh ig i just need to fuck more people then”. polygamy is bad and used (esp in fundamentalist sects) to dominate women and keep them subservient to men all polygamists die challenge

12: i think veganism is an extremely restrictive diet and treating it as the be-all end-alll of moral superiority is just insane. humans are omnivores and beyond that, a lot of the vegan staples come from unsustainable and exploitative farming practices that put real workers at risk. also i think a lot of vegans are straight up annoying like shut up people like meat. we should be focusing on sustainable and humane farming practices not eradicating meat from our diets entirely.

13: ohhh i hate this question but??? i think gay men. from my experience straight women are so disgusted by the idea of lesbians and our attraction to women whereas gay men can understand where we’re coming from bc they face the same kind of attitude from men- we’re degenerates who are perverted and disgusting for being same sex attracted according to straight people

14: im not straight so its weird to answer this but tbh? i think its a good idea. protect yourselves from men who will hurt you and abuse you during the most intimate moments of your life, and protect yourself from stds and the dangers of pregnancy at the same time. tbh if all women went on a sex strike i think men would straight up die and thats a good thing

15: NOOOOO i hate this lmfao femmes are lesbians and even if they wear makeup/perform femininity it doesnt change that. tbh i dont get it and think all women should break free of the prison of femininity but that doesnt make them not lesbians

16: i think its fun! we need more magic in the world tbh and if that means you believe in astrology or crystals then good for u. if im being honest i have tarot decks that i use and its a good way to see your questions/issues in a different light. plus its fun. dont we all wish magic was real in some way? its when it trumps your respect/belief in actual science that it becomes a problem. ur crystals wont cure your mental illness but they can make u feel better wrt the power u place on them

17: eesh…..i want to say yes, but i also always want to point to rachel held evans and female pastors etc and go see!! women are taking back power in religion!!! its just so difficult because for a majority of history religion HAS been used to oppress women. i think if you’re a woman who is interested in religion you need to find women who share your beliefs & standards and find your community with them and not the church as a whole. re: a biblical perspective a lot of the stories do involve women in a way that isnt as shockingly misogynistic. there are stories of women among jesus’ disciples, stories of women rising up against their abusers & against corrupt men in positions of power etc i think its important to remember that the bible is first and foremost a document with its own historical context, one that comes from when women were little more than property and that its authors themselves were from that time as well

18: i guess? in the way that people can be shitty about bisexuals. but its not an axis of oppression in the same way homophobia/misogyny is. no one is banning bisexual marriage theyre banning homosexual marriage.

19: okay ): all jokes aside it might be immature but it can be extremely funny. i am not immune to 12 year old sense of humor

20: as an adult i feel weird about it like if youre a young teen im not gonna follow you/interact with you and i think we should all be more considerate of that. but if theyre being racist/homophobic/misogynistic being a minor isnt gonna save them from being told what theyre doing is shitty. we also need to be aware that kids learn from the adults around them so we have a responsibility to be good role models regardless of what we may think about it. there’s always going to be moments where we interact with minors so we need to make sure we’re instilling in them good values and confidence within themselves, ESPECIALLY young girls

21: bad. being a gay man doesnt make you not a man and means you still need to do the work when it comes to misogyny. you arent a women and shouldnt treat womanhood as a costume or a fun little jokey joke you can use on a whim.

22: why do they look like that. why are they so often so misogynistic (using derogatory terms for women, calling each other fishy etc). its never as respectful as drag kings are, it seems like theyre using ramped up and obnoxious performances of femininity to hate and mock women

23: if normal healthy sex isnt enough for you youre a freak who needs therapy tbh especially if your kinks are violent and degrading its just not healthy and im afraid you’re going to use it as an excuse to hurt and violate women. plus the idea that anything can be a kink is just microlabeling to an extreme. wanting to be praised during sex isnt a kink its normal. being attracted to hands isnt a kink theyre just nice looking and you appreciate the human body etc

24: i dont condone the usage of slurs in any context

25: what the fuck is this LMFAO??? OH WAIT is this like…the discourse around dating bi women bc some people think theyve been ~tainted~ from their experiences with men?? thats just bad and misogynistic lmfao

26: i think it can be dangerous for women (stds the risk of pregnancy how men use it as a tool to hurt and force women into submission) but i dont think its inherently degrading like blowjobs are

27: NO LMFAO THEYRE GAY i hate this way of thinking butch/femme is a huge part of lesbian culture and its irritating for it to be discounted. imitating heterosexuality would be like. sucking on strap (ew) and etc not simply just being butch/femme

28: um. i dont see the need just leave them alone. your pubes are there to protect your vulva theres no need to put product in them in fact it defeats the purpose. quit putting unnecessary products near your vulva people wtf

29: i dont think it exists lol i think there are people with little interest in sex people who have low libidos for one reason or another etc but especially from reading about how asexies describe wanting sex/seeing other people its just a product of extreme compartmentalization of sexuality. plus the idea that everyone who isnt asexual just wants to bone everyone they see is so ridiculous its laughable. in my personal experience i called myself ace as a young teen bc i didnt relate to conventional descriptions of attraction bc um i was just gay and we all experience attraction differently

30: not the ones who arent white i mean i have a horrible uscentric worldview that comes from being raised in the us so…but i think if you’re white you’re white but there are europeans of all heritages and races just like theres us americans of all heritages and races. but like youre not not white just bc ur italian yk?

[howaminotinthestrokesyet]

Wherever They May Roam: Dave Mustaine

Dave Mustaine was born on September 13, 1961 in La Mesa, California. His heritage is that of German, Jewish, Irish, Finnish, and Scottish. His family also were practicing Jehovah’s Witnesses. His childhood growing up emerged as a very difficult one as his father embodied a violent alcoholic. His father and mother would divorce when he was only four years old. Mustaine had two sisters that were so much older than him that he thought of his siblings more as aunts. In high school, Mustaine began to use hard drugs very early, eventually working as a drug dealer. Through his customers, he began to learn about British metal bands like Judas Priest. He even had one client that would pay for his drugs with record albums. His first band emerged with Panic in the very early 1980’s. This was a very short lived group as the drummer and one of their sound techs died on the night of their second show. The band slowly started to disintegrate with the final straw being that the rhythm guitarist also died within a year. They never made any official recordings, nor a demo.

In 1981, Mustaine responded to an ad posted in a local newspaper The Recycler from Lars Ulrich seeking a lead guitarist for a new band. The guitarist recalls his first meeting with Ulrich and James Hetfield. "I was in the room warming up and I walked out and asked, 'Well, am I gonna audition or what?', and they said, 'No, you've got the job.' I couldn't believe how easy it had been and suggested that we get some beer to celebrate." They began to record their first album Kill ‘Em All in 1983, but problems had immediately come to the surface related to Mustaine’s membership in the band. Brian Slagel of Metal Blade Records recalls the recording of that album. “Dave was an incredibly talented guy but he also had an incredibly large problem with alcohol and drugs. He'd get wasted and become a real crazy person, a raging megalomaniac, and the other guys just couldn't deal with that after a while. I mean, they all drank of course, but Dave drank more… much more. I could see they were beginning to get fed up of seeing Dave drunk out of his mind all the time." The first time he was fired from the band came after he brought a dog to a recording. The dog jumped on the car of bassist Ron McGovney causing the paint job to be damaged. James Hetfield upon seeing this kicked the dog in a fit of anger, which led to a huge altercation with Mustaine. After the initial termination, he begged the other members to let him back into the group. They did grant him this request, so his firing was canceled. Another incident occurred when Mustaine poured beer into McGovney’s bass guitar, who was unaware when he began to plug it in. He then received a tremendous electric shock leading to him kicking both Mustaine and James Hetfield out of his house. The bass player would leave Metallica shortly after that. In April 1983, the group traveled to New York to record their debut album, but upon arrival they decided to officially fire Dave Mustaine from the group. They cited the reasons of alcohol and drug abuse, aggressive behavior, too many altercations. The band drove him to the Port Authority bus terminal and put the former Metalica guitarist on one back to California. The amount of collaboration Mustaine had with the band in those early days has always been a debate between the current Metalica and him. He would co-write four songs on Kill ‘Em All, as well as two more songs from Ride the Lightning. The songwriter has unsuccessfully contended that he also helped with “Leper Messiah” from Master of Puppets. Upon returning to San Francisco, he worked very briefly as a telemarketer, would leave this job upon earning enough money to get an apartment in Los Angeles. Mustaine would start a very short lived group called Fallen Angels with two of his coworkers from that telemarketing job. The group never played a live show or recorded anything as Mustaine later commented on the group. “We lacked the chemistry, the energy, the spark—or whatever you want to call it—that gives a band life in its infancy."

The guitarist would soon befriend a neighbor living a floor below his apartment that first began as a confrontation. His name was Dave Ellefson, who would soon join Mustaine‘s new lineup for what would become Megadeth. Originally, he was still utilizing the name from his previous effort, Fallen Angels. He had wanted any group that he played with now to present more thought provoking lyrics and a more precise, intense brand of metal music. A drummer Lee Rausch and guitarist Kerry King would join this initial lineup only to be replaced by Gar Samuelson and Chris Polish respectively. In the case of King, he went back to his original group, Slayer. Megadeth's debut album would be released in 1985 on Combat Records entitled Killing Is My Business. The group received a great amount of buzz that by the time they recorded the second album the band had signed to a major label, Capitol Records. The second album, Peace Sells, But Who’s Buying would go on to become a thrash metal classic earning gold record status. Throughout the 1980’s and early 1990’s, the only two members to be a constant with the band were Mustaine and Dave Ellefson. Other members of the group consistently changed from album to album as Mustaine’s addictions to drugs and alcohol only got worse. He would finally quit drugs and alcohol in the late 1990’s permanently. The amazing thing was despite these addictions, the band led by Mustaine in writing all the songs made mostly quality albums like 1992's Countdown to Extinction, 1994's Youthanasia, and 1997's Cryptic Writings. The only one that was really perceived as a mediocre effort came in 1988 with So Far So Good So What. This would be followed by Rust in Peace, which represented a record that made people think that Mustaine was finally clean and sober. Unfortunately, he would use the rest of the decade to struggle with those demons.

In 2002, the guitarist briefly disbanded Megadeth after a serious arm injury caused him to rethink how he would even be able to play in the future. He was able to successfully rehab from this injury, so the band went on, but with an entirely new lineup. This meant that long time collaborator Dave Ellefson was asked to leave the group. He would not return to Megadeth until 2010. Dave’s reasoning at the time was that he asked too much for his own songs to be played. “I hated being around these guys so when the arm injury happened, it was a welcome relief and an indication that I had to stop." In 2003, Mustaine also turned to Christianity. He began to look at other areas besides the beliefs held by Jehovah’s Witnesses. His description of this transformation was described in a way only Mustaine could possibly describe. “Looking up at the cross, I said six simple words, 'What have I got to lose?' Afterwards my whole life has changed. It's been hard, but I wouldn't change it for anything. Rather go my whole life believing that there is a God and find out there isn't than live my whole life thinking there isn't a God and then find out, when I die, that there is." As had always been the case with the band, Megadeth would release a new album every 2 to 3 years almost like clockwork. In 2010, Mustaine would release his autobiography entitled A Life in Metal. By this time, the war with former bandmates in Metallica began to thaw a bit. He would play five songs with the band at their 30th anniversary concert. A year later they would all tour together as part of the Big Four tour including Anthrax and Slayer as well. Surprisingly, the guitarist has been happily married since 1991 with a son and a daughter. More recently, health issues have come to the forefront including spinal stenosis which he claims was from years of headbanging. In 2019, Mustaine was diagnosed with throat cancer, but he says now that he is cancer free. One thing overall that has always concerned Mustaine is his legacy and place in the history of heavy metal guitarists. He has always been supremely confident in his ability as he noted in this interview. “To be the No. 1 rated guitar player in the world is a gift from God and I'm stoked about it…” In 2009, he gave an interview to Classic Rock Magazine that revealed this telling insight into the man. Mustaine was talking about learning he had been named the number one heavy metal guitarist ever in a book by Joel McIver. “It was especially sweet when I found out that Joel has written books on Metallica. Every page I turned, I became more excited. I get to Number 5 and it's Kirk Hammett, and I thought, 'Thank you, God'. At that point it didn't matter [which position I was]. To be better than both of them [James Hetfield and Hammett] meant so much – it's been one of the pet peeves of my career and I've never known how to deal with it. All I thought was – I win!" Upon reading this statement, one could partially see why Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield did not want him in the group.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #427

“don’t pray for me when you’re the one enslaved”

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? I wouldn't say anything, I'm pretty sure I'd just break down. Do you play video games? Not really anymore. :/ I probably would, though, if I had the appropriate consoles for games I want. You can only replay PS2 games but so many times before you're tired of them. Do you spend a lot of time with family? No, honestly. Is your house more than two stories tall? It only has one floor. Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? I'm not in a relationship, but I have most certainly never hit an s/o, and they've never hit me. I wouldn't tolerate that shit. What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) I'm not. What color is your hairbrush/comb? White. What snacks do you have available in your household atm? Hm. Just some fruity grain and oats bars, as well as cashew ones. We try to keep sweets out of the house. Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? No. Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? Holy fuck yes, she's drop-dead gorgeous. Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? Ha, I'm sure. Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? Some random middle-aged man, like who are you sir. Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? My dad. He can be so rude to people sometimes. When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? Not sure. It's been quite a while. Do you play any games on Facebook? No. What would you like to get a degree in? It'd be nice to get a degree in Arts, but yeah... I'm never going back to school. Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? Pretty much every night. Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? Play a video game. Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? Almost without fail. You've got to, it's part of the experience. What genre of films do you like the best? Horror. How many bank accounts do you have? None, actually. Have you ever had the flu? No, thankfully. What is your goal for the next few months? To start getting in shape/losing weight. I seriously hope this gym routine works out. Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? I have seveeeere sleep apnea. It's shocking, I never would've guessed it, though, so the diagnosis (I had a sleep study, so yes, it's legit) was an extreme surprise. I don't snore at all, nor do I like pass out in the middle of something, but I stop breathing A LOT. For a year or two (no, that is not an exaggeration), it caused consistent, horrible, and violent nightmares/terrors. It made sleep frightening to me, and I was never getting a truly restful sleep. Now, I have an APAP mask (like a less extreme version of a CPAP mask) that helps me greatly. I only very rarely am surprised by a more subtle nightmare now. Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. No, thankfully. What are two things that you have no problem paying full price for? Quality tattoos, for one. And maybe uhhh... idk. We're the kind of family that buys off-brand foods and drinks all the time because it's cheaper, so I can't say that. Maybe health care? Like I wouldn't want service from a sketchy dentist or something. Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. Charming and romantic. Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? No. You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? That's hard for me to say. She doesn't seem to like talking about her past very much, because I know it's turbulent with her mother. I would say her being disowned, but I don't know how that *actually* affected her. Maybe it was for the better she wasn't under her mom's authority anymore. Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? I guess my mom, but she's actually smaller than me now. She's lost a lot of weight and is still going at it. Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? Not a house, but rather hay rides and those places you just walk through and experience different stuff. They don't scare me at all; I love 'em. Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? No. Which is worse: dusting or mopping? Ugh, mopping. I don't mind dusting. Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious? No. Did you pull a senior prank? No. That shit is so dumb. Did you graduate? High school, yes. Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? No, and I never would. What was the last song you listened to? I'm listening to Lauren Babic and Halocene's cover of "Bleed It Out" by Linkin Park right now. It's great. Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell no. Is fashion one of your interests? No. Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? Hell if I know. Do you care what people think? Way, way more than I should. Is acting something you enjoy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I feel so stupid. What was the last thing you broke/sprained? I tore a ligament badly in my foot maybe a year and a half ago. I was SO sure it was broken. My mom had to help me walk everywhere, and even when she did, I'd be whimpering and seething. Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? No. Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? No. Whose house, other than yours and your families', are you most comfortable at? If we're excluding all family, I suppose Sara's? Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? Probably at some point as a kid. Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? I played a lot. The only two I really didn't like were soccer and cheerleading. Did you ever watch the show Full House? Hell yeah, I loved it as a kid. Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? Ha ha y'all know I joke about it, but no, not legitimately. It's not like I know him personally at all, and I'm not chasing him to California either. Just let me dream still lmao. Have you ever burned someone’s picture? No, but I've actually heard it's truly therapeutic and not just for dramatic effect, so I wouldn't be opposed to doing so if you handed me a picture of him and a lighter. What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? I've never hiked before. Would you ever get a lip tattoo? Uh, no. Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? Jason. Do your parents smoke cigarettes? My dad smokes like a chimney and is 100% going to end up with cancer because of it. You should hear his cough. Mom smoked for a very, very brief period before I was born. What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? "Equal in our bones" is on my favorite shirt. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Certain inverts people are wild enough to get, like giant African centipedes in particular. Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Can't say I care. do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times, it's too painful. It also depends on the era of the pictures. Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? Ha, no. We all have natural first impressions and things like that that just... happen. What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? Nothing, really... besides just childhood memories that inevitably came. My hometown was dangerous. What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during? I'm not sure. What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? I want to say Old Yeller, but I'm not sure. What’s your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden and The Cheesecake Factory. Is there a dessert you don’t like? Yeah; I don't like pie, strawberry shortcake, and I know there're others. Favorite album? Ozzy's Black Rain. It was my introduction to metal, so there's nostalgic value there, but I also just LOVE every single song. What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? None. I don't read books for that reason. Underwater or outer space? Both kinda frighten me to a degree, but I find outer space to be way cooler. So many colorrrrrrs. Dogs or cats? Cats. Kittens or puppies? Ugh, both are so cute, but I gotta hand it to kittens. Bird watching or whale watching? Whale watching would blow me away. Whales are such magnificent, awe-inspiring animals. What is your spirit animal? Probably a deer. Skittish, shy, and quiet. What was your best subject in school? English. What was your worst subject in school? Math. What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? You and Jason aren't going to last, hunty. Who is your fashion icon? I don't have one. I wear what I want/what's comfortable. Diamonds or pearls? I think diamonds are a lot prettier. What color dress did you wear to prom? First one was maroon, last one was black. What’s your favorite plot-twist? Silent Hill: Shattered Memories. My jaw actually dropped. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? Yes. Honestly, what’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad? Said things I shouldn't. Honestly, ever made anyone cry when you were mad? Yes. Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? Two weeks ago or something like that. Ever pop someone else’s pimple? OH MY GOD NO alskdfa;wekrwer; Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? No. Who are you closest to? My mom. Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No. Are you currently sad about anything? A number of things. Have you had any form of exercise today? No, but tomorrow is day #2 at the gym! Can you handle blood? Yeah, np. Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No sir=ee. Are you currently searching for a job? Not anymore, at least not actively. I was going to after TMS, but I'm just... still not ready. Right now, I'm focusing on the gym and getting healthy again, but if the seemingly perfect job comes along, I'm not opposed to taking it up. Does eating breakfast make you sick? No, I've got to have breakfast or else THEN I feel awful.

[viktcrr]

「maxence danet-fauvel & nonbinary」⇾ samuels, viktor, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he/they are a capricorn and 24 years old. he/they are studying visual arts, living in noland and can be observant, ingenious, reticent & dependent. when i see him/them i am reminded of a sculptor’s hands clay-ridden, the insistent hum of tv static, and a crying preacher inside a dusty funeral home.  ⇽「james & 21 & est & they/them.」

hllo !!! i’m james n here’s one of my big idiot muses <3 he’s not actually dumb he’s :/ a bit evil. bt thts okay hes still <3 beloved <3 LKDSFHLSADLKGFSHLKD anyways!

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basic info.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

inspired by: beetlejuice (beetlejuice), sid (toy story), jack sparrow (pirates of the caribbean), francis wilkerson (malcolm in the middle), azula (avatar: the last airbender), vicky (the fairly oddparents), stu macher / billy loomis (scream), marshall lee (adventure time), bojack horseman (bojack horseman), any it’s always sunny character :/

biography.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in rochester, new york - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his Thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3D art AP course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to radcliffe but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to radcliffe to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief, especially since the one year anniversary of tatiana’s death was this month (january) - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

UPDATE: now that summer’s come n go ... viktor hs been thru <3 a lot <3 recently. switched therapists (his :/ last one got her license revoked) & started new medications, went to a treatment center briefly ‘cos .. he wasn’t doing too well :/ bt now he’s back baybey! trying to be better n trying to be sober but ... :/

personality.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the lore & cryptids at radcliffe and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a Lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all teir money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away HBDSJFNGKH

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a TWIG but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

a roommate… but it’s an absolute nightmare to live with him.

enemies… because viktor would have a lot of them…

familiar faces… people who knew tatiana or of her / were her friends. maybe even those who dated her, and who viktor would’ve tried to intimidate / scare at any given chance :/

pitiful glances… people who take pity on viktor and he hates it sooo much.

hooligan gremlin kids… just a friend group of grown ass adults who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers.

high school girlfriend… probably the one he lost his virginity to inside his family church :/

childhood acquaintances… people who knew him from his youth.

exes… good & bad terms, but mostly bad terms because viktor is an actual demon. probably cheated on them.

soft… i don’t know if he’s soft towards anyone and/or is capable of it but we can try. we can try.

unrequited… either viktor just doesn’t like them or he’s holding back because he’s :/ got issues with relationships & is self-sabotaging as one does

enemies with Tension… of the … spicy kind if you know what i mean. wink.

friends… old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. i don’t know how many he had but if your muse likes to cause a ruckus and fuck shit up then viktor’s your man.

hook-ups… current or old. friends with benefits, one night stands, anything and everything because he fucks around a lot.

ride or die… friendship but make it extreme.

bad influence… he’s just toxic to be around and brings out the worst in people :/

bad egg… he’s gotten into a few fights :/ maybe you witnessed it. maybe you were in it.

literally anything i wld love all sorts of plots.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Surveys #417-419

Been slacking on posting these, so here’s like three surveys over the past few days divided up. I just don’t feel like posting them individually. Beware, it’s a long post, haha.

Do you believe that animals don’t have souls? I lean towards the idea that they, at least more complex species with actual sentience, do in some way. It's hard to imagine like, a fly having a soul, but it's a nice thought. You could NEVER convince me some don't, though, like my late dog Teddy, Sara's old chameleon Jem, and I could go on and on. Have you ever not been able to swallow pills? No, I've always been able to. If you HAD to change your first name, what would you change it to? Maybe like, Quinn. Something you don't hear a lot, for sure. Something more memorable. What are your thoughts on orange soda? Orange cream soda is BOMB. Man, been so long since I've had that stuff... Are you good with children and/or animals? Don't mean to brag, but people say I'm like a magician with animals. No matter what it is, I bond with it. Children, not so much. I'm awkward around them. Who in your life makes you smile the most? My cat, ha ha. If you were cremated, where would you want your ashes to be placed? Hm. Maybe high up in the mountains or in the Kalahari Desert. Do you plan on going to your high school’s reunion? No. I'm pretty sure I'd shatter from memories just entering the building. Would you want revenge on someone if they killed someone special to you? Or would you find it in your heart to forgive? "Forgive" my ass. They'd better get what's coming to them, even if I've gotta be the person to deliver it. Is there someone you are dying to see? More than I think anyone could possibly know. But it's probably better if I never do. Could you picture yourself getting married and having kids? Married, yes. Having kids, no. I could only picture that in one phase of my life, but like I called it: a phase. I should never be a mother, nor do I want to be one to begin with, so yeah, no kids for me. Do you like to take walks? If my legs were actually worth a shit, yes, I would, if it's in a nature-filled area. What are you listening to at this moment in time? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White. Did you ever kiss someone with a tattoo? No. Could you say something good about the last person you kissed? She's very resilient. Why are you single? Because 1.) I'm a very unappealing example of an adult, 2.) I'm not exactly very attractive, and 3.) I'm basically a hermit, so I don't meet people. Do you get jealous if your boyfriend hugs another girl? Hypothetically, in almost any case, I wouldn't. My imaginary boyfriend can have female friends. But I'll admit if it was like, an ex-girlfriend or something and it was a seriously intense hug, I might. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Yes, but I mean, who doesn't. Have you ever been completely alone with a boy in his room? You make this sound so scandalous lmao. Yes, plenty of times. I dated a dude and briefly lived with him for three and a half years. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Who was the last person that you cried in front of? I'm sure it was Mom. Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? Nah. Do you remember every single person that you’ve kissed? Yeah. Do you believe that the world will actually end? Humanity, oh yeah. The planet itself, given the infinite nature of the universe, also yes. At SOME point, even if it's zillions of years down the line, Earth is gonna get fucked by something. Are you socially awkward? I am the literal avatar of "socially awkward." Would you rather watch a comedy movie or horror movie? Horror. Who is your favorite actor/actress? MARK IS A FUCKIN' ACTOR, Y'ALL. Are you satisfied with your gender? Yeah. Are you good at admitting your problems? HA! Yeah. ezpz Have you ever had a hangover? No, never been drunk to begin with. Do you know any strippers? No. How many times have you dyed your hair? I ain't counting. What is something that reminds you of your childhood? Dinosaurs. Do you think you eat healthy? I try to. I have my bad days, though. Are you sick quite often or hardly at all? My immune system is the fucking MVP. I am just about never, ever sick. Has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality? Yes. Do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more? Chocolate, duh. Does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much? Nah, no biggie. Has your cell phone ever rung in class? Omg no, I woulda been mortified. Have you ever tried opening your eyes under water? Yeah, as a kid. Would you rather have a cat or a dog? I prefer cats. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Like... six times, I wanna say. What would you say is your favorite type of flower? Orchids, but I also love dahlias. I've actually noticed that I've really had a greater "thing" for flowers lately. Like don't get me wrong, I've always loved flowers very much, but I've just found myself more drawn to them than usual, especially when taking the daily hour ride to the TMS office. Do you watch Toddlers and Tiaras? FUCK no. That show disgusts and angers me so much. If someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say? Yeah, no. Funny joke. I couldn't go anyway due to mental health issues and a suicidal history. Do you own an old vintage typewriter? We used to when I was little. I have no idea what happened to it, though?? Hell, maybe we still have it somewhere, but I doubt that. Do you like or hate the smell of fish? Ew, does ANYONE like the smell of fish??? Have you ever read any of John Green’s books? I got a few pages into The Fault in Our Stars, but stopped for no real reason. I didn't not like it or anything, I was just still in my "I don't read" episode. Are you a protective person? VERY. I'm a fucking guard dog over those I love most. Are you a fan of penguins? Yeah, they're cute. I especially think emperor penguins are very majestic. Have you ever met your favorite author? I don’t have a favorite author. Did you get your mom or dad’s eyes? Neither's. I think my maternal grandpa had blue eyes, though? I'm not sure at all, though. When was the last time someone bought you flowers? Not sure. Has there ever been a murder in your town? "A" murder? Thems is rookie numbers for my neck of the woods, fella. This place is known for crime, and that includes murder. When falling asleep, do you ever feel like you stopped breathing? Well, I have seriously severe sleep apnea, so... but the diagnosis came as a surprise to me, because I never DID think this. But sure enough, did a sleep study, and in just one hour's time, I stopped breathing like what, 30 times? What's the last thing that scared the hell out of you? Stupid drivers. Do you have any life-changing plans within the next 6 months? I guess getting a job could be pretty life-changing. As of right now, how do you feel about your future? I'm very, very scared. Who is the last person you ran into unexpectedly? Hm, I dunno. Where does your grandma live? Both of mine are dead, but my paternal grandmother lived in Michigan, while my maternal one technically lived in Florida, but stayed in New York with her son's family a whole lot. I don't really know where she stayed more. Do you know how to read music? Not anymore. Does the song you’re currently listening to remind you of anyone special? Not so much the song, but the band. Motionless In White is one of his all-time favorites, so I can't listen to them without thinking of Jason. Sucks because they've been becoming one of MY favorites, too, so I listen to them a lot. If the person who has hurt you the most, said they were in love with you, would you believe them? I'd tell him he was in a love with a person who no longer exists. It's impossible for him to be in love with me now when he doesn't know how much I've changed. If Facebook made you pay would you still use it? Ha, no. Have you ever been recorded on film without your permission? Not that I know of? Tell me about your last boyfriend? He's a wonderful person. He's been there for me without fail since we became friends in high school band, and he is SO fucking funny. He's always cared a lot about me, and I care a lot about him, just not in the same way he does me. He's like my big brother. Are your parents racist? My dad definitely is. What is your least favorite subject in school? Math and economics both sucked. Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? Almost certain no. I'm pretty sure Dad didn't fight for custody at all, but it could've been something Mom just never told me. Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I NEVER could. Do you have any siblings you neglect? .-. As a kid, did you ever go to camp? I went to Vacation Bible School, if that counts. Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? Yeah, until that big news story about a dirty needle pricking a child. Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? Not to my knowledge. I highly doubt it. What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there? Cheese quesadilla with fiesta potatoes. Rarely a pair of those cinnamon ball thingies. Ever consider a sex change? Nah. Do you eat whip cream straight out of the can? EW no. I hate the texture of whipped cream. What do you think of popcorn? Loooove. Have you ever dated any of your friends’ ex? No. Well, it's funny, Rachel (both Juan's and Jason's ex) and I are friends now, but definitely weren't at the time of us being together. Have you ever gone out with someone even though one of your friends liked that person first? If yes, did you feel bad? If no, were you tempted to? No. Would you rather be a rich musician, or a rich actor? Musician. What was the last charity you donated to? I don't recall. Did you like to collect frogspawn as a kid? I've told the "my friends and I saved hundreds of tadpoles" story enough times, so for this question, I'll just talk about when I would go fishing with Dad as a kid. Back then, if I got bored of actually fishing, I would walk along the riverbank and try to catch tadpoles and minnows in my hands. It was soooo fun to Kid Brittany. Do you walk fast or slow? I walk pretty damn slow. Can you juggle with more than two items? I can't juggle, period. Do you like jalapenos? Yeah! Do you like kiwis? Yessss, I love kiwi! Does anyone in your family go deer or bird hunting? Who is it anyway? I don't know if she still does, but my little sister used to go deer hunting with a friend.

Are you saving up for anything right now? What? Yeah, my pet snake's 40 gallon terrarium. What sort of things do you have bookmarked in your internet browser? It's quite diverse, but I think I mostly have templates for specific character profiles. Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc? No, I'm a good noodle. If given the chance, would you go to Ireland? Certainly! It's beautiful there. If you have a cat, does it ever “converse” with you? Oh, ABSOLUTELY. When I talk to him, he sure does try to answer me and it's the cutest thing, ha ha. Have you ever tried those electric toothbrushes? Yeah, that’s what I use. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/were planning on it/etc? Yeah, guess he changed his mind. Name one of your ex’s mother’s names? Virginia. Does your favorite song have a meaning? BIG TIME. Have you ever written or received a suicide note? I've written one. .-. What is the worst thing a child has ever done to you while you were babysitting? When I was changing her diaper, she got up and ran around naked in the house. ;-; Do you own a nightgown? No. If you could get any pet right now, what would you get? i. want. my. tarantula. Have you ever actually been stuffed into a locker? No. That is just such a TV trope that I've never even heard of happening irl. Do you/did you decorate the inside of your locker at school with stuff? I only had a locker in middle school, and I believe I didn't. I didn't want one in HS. What’s the coolest thing you’ve made with Legos? I was never a Legos kid; I played with Lincoln Logs. Do you want to get pregnant right now? Fuck no, man. Or ever. Have you ever housed a friend for a long period of time because they had no place to live? No. If you have a favorite comedian, have they ever been in a movie? I don't have one, really. Are there any books you want to read? Besides the series I'm reading, I want to read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but idk if I'll ever get to it, really. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? We don't have a close relationship, but I am nevertheless. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? Not really, it seems. First letter of the names of everyone you have kissed? J, T, D, S. Do you like going to school sports games? No, I hated it. When Ash was a cheerleader, Mom made me go, and I was never happy about it. Have you ever worn your boyfriend’s clothes? An ex-boyfriend's, yeah. Did you get into your mom’s makeup when you were a kid? I don't think I did? Do you want anything pierced? Ugh, a lot of places. The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. Has your partner ever accused you of cheating when you actually didn’t? I've never been accused of cheating. Has anyone ever called you stuck-up? No. I'm quite the opposite. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? Too many, really. What are you doing this summer? Nada. Do you still watch MTV? I never did. Have you ever spent the night with the last person you kissed? Yes. What’s the dress code for your job? Do you like it? I'm unemployed. Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? ^, and this might sound stupid, but I wouldn't work at a job that didn't. Especially tattoos. No job is stopping me from doing things that improve my self-esteem and body image, particularly when I LOATHE my body. If a little bit of art makes me feel better about myself? Nobody is stopping me. What are some trends you dislike that everyone seems to love? "Crocs. Whyyyy?" <<<< THIS. First people hated them, now they love them??? They're hideous as shit. If you got married and then got divorced, would you want to re-marry? I don't really know. How often do you use lotion? Not NEARLY enough for someone with skin as dry as mine. Do you donate your old stuff to Goodwill? If so, what was the last thing you donated? Yeah. Mom recently brought some old toys, I think? How weight conscious are you? You have no fucking idea. Rent a movie or go see one in theaters? I prefer going to a theater. I enjoy the experience. What’s the biggest personality trait turn-off for a potential partner? Probably being an explosive/volatile person. I can't with that. Would you ever go on a birth control pill? I already am to regulate my period and tame the cramps. And if I was sexually active, I absolutely would want to be on it. What's your favorite late night tv show? I don’t have one. At high school do or did you participate in Spirit Week? No. Do you have a favorite vocalist? Who? Queen's Freddie Mercury will probably always top the list. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I don't have a favorite photographer. Surprisingly. Are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy? If it's with someone I'm in love with and am in the mood, sure. What is one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? I did NOT expect to reach 25 like... *gestures at self* this. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I could never handle euthanizing pets and watching the families' hearts break. How long have you lived in the house you live in? Not even a year. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? I'm definitely sadder. Especially today. Do you like Subway? I do. Have you ever seen a volcano? No. Have you ever found a spider on your bed? Yes. It's the scariest shit when one skitters across your blanket, because like, you LEAST expect it to happen in the comfort of your own bed. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now? Not even remotely, if I'm being honest. I'm at a real low. When was the last time you ate at Burger King? Years ago, when I was a vegetarian and went there for the veggie burger. How often do you cry? lol a lot Ever had a crush on a teacher? No. Can you wire a plug? ... I don't even know what you mean by "wire a plug," so obviously no lmfao. Where were you when you got your first period? Well I think I actually *started* at school, but I noticed when I got home. Can you drive? I mean I'm capable, but I'm an incredibly anxious, overly passive, and just generally terrified driver. I'm so scared of when I finally get new glasses and therefore a new permit... but I have to get used to driving. Living where I do, public transportation is very, very limited, and I just can't have people driving me places the rest of my life. Exercise or healthy eating? I sadly hate exercising SO much. I'd rather eat healthy. Did you play Red Rover when you were a child? Yeah. Are you more attracted to men or women? This can actually vary with time, which I originally thought was weird but is apparently normal for some bisexual individuals. There are spans where I feel more sexual attraction to men, and then other times women. Has anyone ever called you rich? God no, I am so far from it. What makes you feel beautiful? Nothing. Are you considered a very sensitive person? I'm way too sensitive for my own good. Have you ever told someone you never wanted to speak to them again? Yes, my dad. I regret that letter I sent him so, so much. I honestly don't know how he can treat me with so much love after the shit I said. If you could watch any TV series right now, what would it be? I am... astonishingly behind on Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. I know, seriously incredible. I just don't watch TV, man. It's strange, I'm into the show, of course I am, I just... don't like sitting myself in front of a television and purely watching it. I'll catch up, though. Do you grind your teeth, and if so, why do you do it? No. But it's not like people have a reason they grind their teeth... they just do. Do you feel the need to rant about anything right now? If so, go for it. I could, but I'm not going to. It'll just upset me. Do you have a friend named Nick? What’s his favourite food? My sister's husband's name is Nick, but he is definitely not my friend. I can't stand his bigoted, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, racist ass. I don't know or care what his favorite food is. What are you listening to? I'm re-watching Gab and Sinow play Resident Evil 5. People can say all they want about RE5, but I love it. Do you prefer waffles or pancakes? Waffles, but only if they're still soft enough to not be considered crunchy. I prefer them because I can put peanut butter on them, and the grooves catch the syrup instead of just absorbing it all like pancakes. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? I don't/can't drink diet sodas because the artificial sweetener gives me a KILLER headache. Are you craving anything right now? You guys have no idea how badly I want Taco Bell for whatever reason. Which word did you say first, mama or dada? The latter. What was your first pet’s name? So, there's three answers to this. I was born into the family while we had a collie named Trigger, but I have absolutely zero memory of her. She passed when I was too young. Our first family pet that I clearly remember was Chance, our rescued cat. My first *personal* pet was either a guinea pig named Squeak or Chinese water dragon named Shadow. I can't remember who came first. Who was your best friend in elementary? It changed with the years, but I can say the three biggies were Brianna, Kim, and Quiata. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Probably Coach Collie. He was so wise, kind, funny... He was all-around just wonderful and taught so many life lessons. When you go to a restaurant, do you have a go-to dish? Always. What is the best part of your most ordinary day? Waking up and doing my first sweep of the Internet before I get bored outta my fucking senses. Do you read any web comics? No.

Do you drink bottled water? Yeah, but like any water, it has to be COLD. Not room temperature. Not a tad chilly. I mean cooooold. When did you last use a straw? Earlier. I have a metal straw I use to drink water with because I drink faster through a straw, and with it being water, of course I want to try to drink as much as I can when I actually choose to drink water. Have you ever tackled someone to the ground? No. Do you know anyone who lies to make themselves look more interesting? My former best friend did that. She was an online friend, so it made it easy. I finally caught on and called her out on it, and then she just totally dipped. Do you like to sing? Not that much, honestly. Like sometimes I feel like it, sure, but not frequently. Are your parents in good health? No, not really. Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No. I feel bad saying it, but I know I never could be. I could NOT clean another human being. It's one of the bajillion reasons I'm not having kids. Do you like to take naps during the day? "Like" isn't the right word. I just... need to. Most days, there is NO way I can make it 'til night without one. What movie was your favorite to see in the movie theater? Even though it was sincerely a sucky movie, I really enjoyed watching Silent Hill: Revelation because I saw the 3D version, plus the hype over my favorite franchise getting a new movie was just very exciting. Favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle character? I was never into that. Ever watched The Blair Witch Project? Yes, and I positively adore it. I genuinely think it's a genius horror movie, never showing, but telling through other methods. Have a favorite AC/DC song? Probably "You Shook Me All Night Long." Are you good at selling candy for those fundraiser things? Omg nooooo I HATED doing that shit, especially when some amount of sales were like, required for whatever bullshit reason. I hate hate hate advertising to people. My parents always bought them instead. Have you ever had a crush on someone too old for you? No. Well, besides James Hetfield, ha ha. What's your favorite Dr. Suess quote? I don't know enough quotes to have one. If you were to have wings, what would you want them to look like? Dark and dragon-esque with lots of rips and tears in them... but not enough to stop me from flying, ha ha. Have you ever broken up with someone to find you want them back later? No. Has anyone ever dared you to eat a chili pepper? Did you do it? No. Have you ever tried Thai food? No. Have you ever watched Avatar? The TV show, not the movie. I've seen I think one season with Sara so far? I actually quite enjoy it. What's your cellphone's signature for text? WOW this survey is ancient. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I don't smoke it. Do you often take painkillers? I dunno about "often," but headaches to the point I take something aren't rare for me. Do you wish you were in a relationship? I mean yes, but I know it's for the better I'm not. Have you ever been to the ER? Many times. Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? I feel extremely guilty. I try not to think about it. Where have you lived for the most part of your life? Eastern NC. How old are you? 25. What are you listening to at the moment? Powerwolf came out with a new album, so I've been bingeing the shit out of some songs, ha ha. Right now it's "Blood For Blood." Do you watch WWE Raw? Ew, no. I have NEVER gotten the appeal of wrestling. Just like... why????? Do you dye your hair? Nowhere near regularly. :/ I haven't had it dyed in a very long time, and I hate it. I love colored hair. We just can't afford that expense on something so little. My hair does NOT take dye easily, so we have to have a professional do it, and that isn't exactly cheap. Have you ever lived in a different country that the one you’re living in? No. Which of your parents will you see next? I live with my mother, so. Have you fallen asleep in school? Not in class, no. In college when I would be in the library between classes, though, I've dozed before. Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, but not for physical issues. Do you make fun of obese people? You're talking to someone who is. So obviously no, and you're a piece of fucking shit if you do. Do you have an innie or an outtie? Innie. Have you ever tried to headbang? No. Even as a metalhead, I don't get it, man. You're asking for a headache. Do you own any Converse? What do you think of them? I have a few and like them. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Have you ever been in a position of authority? I mean, I'm an admin on two sites, so I guess? Were your ancestors royalty? Yeah, I'm related to one of the Queen Victorias, I believe. I just know she had a thing for beheading people, ha ha. What do you like on your pasta/noodles? Sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.? Just tomato sauce and meatballs, really. Who is the most ungrateful person you know? What makes them this way? My fucking ex-best friend. You could never, ever give her enough and she just... blegh. She was so fucking ungrateful for everything people did for her. It was just never enough. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. I don't like Pepsi. Have you ever held an uncommon pet before (ex: mouse, spider, snake, lizard)? I've held snakes, rats, lizards, and a tarantula. Who did you last play truth or dare with? No clue. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? No. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? Yeah, they've moved out. What was the most unique pet you’ve owned? I'd probably say my champagne ball python. A lot of people don't even know ball python morphs exist, so seeing her might surprise some people. Do you like Doritos? Yeah. When you buy clothes, do you always try them on first? No, but I need to learn how to... I just HATE doing it. Have you used bugspray recently? No. Do you enjoy swimming in the ocean? Yesssss. Have you ever tried to sew or knit anything? No. Has something ever happened to you that seemed like it was from a movie? Most of Jason's and my relationship felt like one. Hence why the breakup felt so sudden and just impossible. Do you find yourself to be a believer in love at first sight? Not even remotely. Is there something you want to do, that you swear you will, no matter what? Spread Teddy's ashes in Yellowstone. I promised him. Are you longing for the day that you’ll be an adult? (If you’re not already) I am an adult, and it sucks. What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat? Any meat that was hunted. Have you ever owned a diary/journal with a lock and key? I don't believe so. When you were little, what movie did you watch over and over? Mostly Disney films, like The Lion King and Finding Nemo. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Do you know what you want for your dream house? Nope. I honestly don't really care about having a "dream" house to begin with. I just need one that's cozy to me and gets the job done. Have you ever seen the movie The Notebook? Many, many times. It's my favorite romance movie. Have you ever used the photo editing site “Picnik”? No, not to my memory. Has an animal ever taken a strong dislike to you? Our old dog Bentley didn't like me all that much, and I didn't like him, either. Have you ever attempted to cut your own hair? No. Do you have a lucky or special coin? No. Do you love ice cream cake more than normal cake? No. Do you check your email daily? No. Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? No. For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? Envy. Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? No. Has a laptop ever burned your legs? Yes, actually. For a while many years ago, my old laptop left subtle burn marks on my legs. Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? My nephew's is next month. Do you like Laffy Taffy? I doooo. Are your biceps at all noticeable? Ha, no. Have you ever seen a walrus? Maybe when I went to SeaWorld as a kid? Did you ever have one of those easy bake ovens as a kid? Yup. If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? Sure. What flavor cake do you like for your birthday? Red velvet. Have you ever had a job you loved? Nope. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? Yikes, no. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Two people. Have you been best friends with someone of a different race? Yes. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve met online? Sara. What was the name of the first porcelain doll you got? I was very afraid of dolls as a kid, so I obviously didn't have one. Do you sell any products? If so, what? I mean, I'm a wannabe photographer that sells my service. Owls or peacocks? Owls. Lions or horses? Lions. Can you still fit into kid’s clothes? Hell no. What devotional do you read, if any? None. What do you make wishes on? I only ever do for the tradition of it on my birthday. I don't believe in the magic of wishes, though. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? No. Are you bitter about anything? Probably always will be. Have you ever been in a love triangle? No. How bad are your hangovers? Never had one. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, what was the cause of it? Yes. It was identified as a fracture, but a break and a fracture are technically like the same thing, so. At a skating rink, I fell and landed on my hand so the top of it nearly touched my arm, so my wrist got FUCKED. I will never, ever forget the severity of the pins and needles feeling and just the experience in general. It hurt so goddamn bad. Is this the best year of your life? Fuck no.

[eldritchsurveys]

977.

How old are you? >> 33.

Do you live in North America? >> Yes.

Do you love dogs? >> I do love dogs. I teeter on the fence constantly about whether I would actually want to take custody of one or not, though. What I truly want is a trained support dog -- not a full service dog, because I don’t need that level of assistance, but I guess “emotional support animal” is the term I’m looking for even though that’s gotten a bit fraught lately. Once I saw a video (which was weird to watch because it felt a bit voyeuristic, but hey) where a person was having a meltdown and the dog came and prevented them from harming themselves, and I think I could greatly benefit from that as opposed to having to hope that Can Calah (who has no real power over the body 99.8% of the time) can stop me.

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? >> The first movie came out in 2001, which means I was 14 at the time.

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? >> I never had any.

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? >> I don’t have an opinion.

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? >> I’ve watched a fair bit of it, because of the New Year’s marathons.

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? >> No, Converse shoes are uncomfortable for me.

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? >> No, I just have a pair with white polka dots because that was all I could find at the store at that time. I want to get a cute pair at some point but I keep forgetting (and I use them so infrequently that it doesn’t even seem to matter now -- snow boots are far more important here).

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? >> Apple. We’re out of them, though.

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? >> I can’t do a backflip, anyway. So, cartwheel by default.

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? >> Yeah, many times.

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? >> I wanted to be the goths. Unfortunately, I had very little control over what I was allowed to wear, do, or listen to, so...

What size is your mattress? (single,twin,double,queen,king) >> Twin.

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? >> No.

Would you rather watch a movie in theater or at home? >> Right now, at home 100%. Usually there will be a few movies that I would choose to see in-theater because I want the big-screen experience, and also because I like making An Event out of things sometimes by having to actually go out somewhere to experience them.

Do you prefer brown or white rice? >> I use white rice most often. I’m not sure if brown rice would taste the same in coconut rice (which is the kind of rice I eat most often)... should try it sometime just to see.

Do you like spaghetti? >> Not especially.

What about lasagna? >> It’s all right sometimes. I just don’t eat a lot of pasta, period.

Do you celebrate Christmas? >> Yes.

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? >> No, this country’s Thanksgiving is in November.

Do you like chocolate bars? >> Not usually.

what about ice cream? >> I don’t dislike ice cream as much as I just never have a taste for it (and I’m particular about flavour).

Have you ever been stung by anything?What was it? >> No.

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? >> I do have natural brown hair.

Or were you born blonde? >> Not even close.

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? >> Yeah, I have several greys. I can’t wait to grow more, it’s my favourite hair colour.

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? >> No.

Have you ever been screened for STDs? >> Yeah.

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? >> No, I still have them all. The dentist suggested getting them pulled because one of them was starting to have an issue of some sort, but like... “starting to have an issue” (and only one of them, besides) isn’t enough motivation for me to get four whole teeth pulled.

Did you have your tonsils taken out? >> No.

Did you have your appendix taken out? >> No.

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) >> I haven’t donated a kidney.

Would you(to save someone)? >> If it was viable, sure, why not.

If you were dying of starvation, would you eat another human? >> I can’t imagine what it would be like to be starving, so I can’t rightly say what I would do. That sort of extreme survival situation turns you into a whole different person, I can’t speak for myself in that state until I actually know what it’s like. (I have no current moral objections to it, though, so I’m assuming I’d have less trouble eating a person than someone who finds it repugnant in normal circumstances.)

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? >> No.

Do you like Harry Potter? >> I thought it was all right. I liked certain characters and plot concepts, specifically, and mostly ignored the rest of them (including... the main characters, lol). Now I have even less interest in it after watching JKR get radicalised in real time, not gonna lie. (Still reppin’ Slytherin from Malfoy Manor, though! :p)

What about Twilight? >> I never got into that, the first book bored me.

How do you feel about Lord of the rings? >> I think it’s an amazing and intricate and delightful story. But I didn’t read it, lmao. Too much book and far too much exposition in said book for my interests. The movies are what I’m into.

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? >> I saw the whole trilogy. I never did get around to reading the book, but I’ll probably do so eventually (after my reread of Silmarillion, which comes first!).

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian’ on it? >> I don’t. I have a glass that says “Guinness” on it, though. And my name.

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? >> No.

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? >> Black or stainless steel, I’m quite done with white fridges and I never want to see one again.

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? >> I assume my foot is average.

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? >> No, I’m a picker.

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? >> No, I don’t have allergies.

Are you on the birth control pill? >> Yeah. It’s more like the dysphoria control pill, for me.

Or are you trying to get pregnant? >> I would never.

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? >> Black, because they’d match with everything I have. I’m sometimes tempted to get funky sneakers but the novelty wears off so quickly.

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? >> Sure.

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? >> Most likely not. Also, I’m a day-drinker, not a night-drinker, because I don’t like things messing with my sleep.

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr.Dressup”? >> No. But I’m so glad Lane got to take a survey that had Canadian stuff in it instead of being inundated with common USian bullshit for once xD

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? >> ---

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? >> I didn’t.

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? >> I can’t recall having any health problems whatsoever as a child.

What are those 'said’ health issues? >> ---

Do you collect DVDs? >> No.

Do you download music? >> No.

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? >> I haven’t bought a CD in at least a decade.

[altviktcrr]

『MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL ❙ NONBINARY』 ⟿ looks like VIKTOR SAMUELS is here for HIS/THEIR SENIOR year as a VISUAL ARTS student. HE/THEY are 24 years old & known to be OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT & DEPENDENT. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ JAMES. 20. EST. SHE/THEY.

hllo ,,, again ,,, this is my last child i SWEAR ,,, at least fr now ,,, hes also the most problematic one ,,, the most dramatic ,,, one of my absolute faves ,,, pleathe love him. as always if u wish to plot please like this so i can msg u !!!

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basic info.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

inspired by: beetlejuice (beetlejuice), sid (toy story), jack sparrow (pirates of the caribbean), francis wilkerson (malcolm in the middle), azula (avatar: the last airbender), vicky (the fairly oddparents), stu macher / billy loomis (scream), marshall lee (adventure time), bojack horseman (bojack horseman), any it’s always sunny character :/

biography.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in rochester, new york - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang. 

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like ... sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid ... not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine. 

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his Thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like ... just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3D art AP course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to radcliffe but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just ... not to his parents, who don’t really need to know. 

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point. 

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was ... viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to radcliffe to finish his senior year because ... for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief, especially since the one year anniversary of tatiana’s death was this month (january) - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears ... that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just ... love those black & white vertical-striped pants. 

can appreciate the lore & cryptids at radcliffe and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just ... a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants. 

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like ... sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s ... a Lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it. 

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive ... like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all teir money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away HBDSJFNGKH

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe ... yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time ... also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not ... with their body or anything because they’re a TWIG but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like ... partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

a roommate... but it’s an absolute nightmare to live with him.

enemies... because viktor would have a lot of them...

familiar faces... people who knew tatiana or of her / were her friends. maybe even those who dated her, and who viktor would’ve tried to intimidate / scare at any given chance :/

pitiful glances... people who take pity on viktor and he hates it sooo much.

hooligan gremlin kids... just a friend group of grown ass adults who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers.

high school girlfriend... probably the one he lost his virginity to inside his family church :/

childhood acquaintances... people who knew him from his youth.

exes... good & bad terms, but mostly bad terms because viktor is an actual demon. probably cheated on them.

soft... i don’t know if he’s soft towards anyone and/or is capable of it but we can try. we can try.

unrequited... either viktor just doesn’t like them or he’s holding back because he’s :/ got issues with relationships & is self-sabotaging as one does

enemies with Tension... of the ... spicy kind if you know what i mean. wink.

friends... old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. i don’t know how many he had but if your muse likes to cause a ruckus and fuck shit up then viktor’s your man.

hook-ups... current or old. friends with benefits, one night stands, anything and everything because he fucks around a lot.

ride or die... friendship but make it extreme.

bad influence... he’s just toxic to be around and brings out the worst in people :/

bad egg... he’s gotten into a few fights :/ maybe you witnessed it. maybe you were in it.

literally anything i wld love all sorts of plots.

[standfortheangels]

What song makes you feel better?what’s your favorite candle scent?what flower would you like to be given?say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).what calms you down?what’s your ideal date?how are you?what’s your comfort food?do you still love stuffed animals?what’s something you do to de-stress?hugs or hand-holding?morning, afternoon or night?what reminds you of home (doesn’t have to mean house… just things that remind you of the feeling of home)? [for mun

What song makes you feel better?

Ooo, this really depends on a lot of stuff. But weirdly, one song I go to a lot is Tubthumping by Chumbawumba. The names really tell you the vibe of the song >w>' it's silly- too silly to really take much seriously when you're listening to it, so it gradually cheers me up that way. But it's mostly the chorus bit that does it.

"I get knocked down, but I get up again! You are never gonna keep me down!"

Repeated over and over again with pride and happiness like a football chant.

It's the kind of mood that's just infectious, it's a crowd celebrating something, enjoying where and who they are. Pair that with the message in those lines, and, I dunno. It just really helps me~

_

what’s your favorite candle scent?

Oh this one is tough. My sense of smell isn't that great, usually I can smell a candle if I pick it up and sniff it, but when it's lit I don't tend to smell anything. There are very few candles I can light and smell in the room. So I tend to just pick candles based on colour tbh x'D

One thing I do love though is oil diffusers. A few drops of violet essential oil in the water, it comes out as steam, makes the place smell really nice.

_

What flower would you like to be given?

Aww, that's a cute one~ I'd love to be given any flower really, but if I have to pick... I'd say a sunflower. I think it'd be really funny to have someone pull this giant flower from behind their back and hand it over. X')

_

Say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).

That's six! You can't fool me there >w> buuuuut fine.

Physical: I like my eye colour, I've got a general hourglass shape that I like, and I'm told I have very comfortable shoulders to lean on? Haha

Non-physical: I'm fairly intelligent, have a lot of patience when I need it, and I'm pretty weird, which is often funny for other people x')

_

What calms you down?

If I'm anxious, I have a few apps on my phone I can use that usually help. 'What's Up' is a great one, it has different tools you can use like grounding exercises and retargeting your thoughts and stuff. I also have games on there like Zen Koi and Alto's Odyssey, which I find relaxing. They're not too complicated to manage but they do grab my attention and have chill music on them.

If I'm calming down from being angry.... Dogs. I find if a dog comes up to me for a hug or something, I have to relax my muscles more, I have to be gentle with them and reassure them that it's all okay, it's like a conscious effort I make for their sake. So it puts a stop to my stressing out long enough for me to just start enjoying the fact that I have a dog. ^^

_

What’s your ideal date?

Ooo good question...

At the minute I can't really date at all with my health being this bad, so I'd probably go for a casual date where we play a low-pressure game together at home. I'm talking battleship, tetris, any Super Mario game that has a multiplayer feature, Snipperclips, Jenga, Wii tennis, anything. Just us chilling, having a little bit of playful rivalry maybe, a few healthy snacks~ that would be awesome. Some of these games we could even play from two separate places with a video call going, which would mean I wouldn't have to push myself to host or leave the house or even force myself to shower in advance; I could even stay in bed and just prop myself up with some pillows if I really needed to, take a laptop and we could go play something online maybe.

In the future though (because I really hope I'll improve eventually and get some of my life back) I'd still love the more casual fun dates, but not stuck inside. I'd love to go minigolfing and be terrible at it so we can both laugh at my awful shots, and I'll do some hopeless ironic trash talk and then lose by a mile~

I'd like to have a dog we can walk together. We could go to a quiet beach, which will probably be cold and muddy because it's England but we'll let the dog loose and smile at how much fun they're having, maybe play fetch or something, and then at the end be so so grateful that we thought to put old towels over the back seats of the car for our very very happy, very very very wet dog~

It'd be fun to go to a theme park together, or walk around a garden centre and plan out a garden we'll probably never get around to. Or a zoo! That'd be a great date place, a zoo, or SeaWorld, both are good.

I'd like to go for ice cream and sit on some random grassy bank to eat it together. To go to an art gallery with a camera and most of my photos would just be of my date seeing something she likes~ maybe I could even take a sketchbook too, and I could draw her in the styles and/or poses of whichever pieces she wants me to, while she poses in ridiculous funny ways and makes me laugh so much that I have to stop and then we move to the next room.

I've been too ill for too long and had so much emotional crap in my life, I wouldn't choose the rigid restaurant dates with all the same rules and the pressure, or strive to try and be the most romantic couple or whatever else.

For me, what I'd value most is being able to get out of the house and enjoy the world, and having a date with a light-hearted atmosphere.

_

How are you?

Tired as always! X') but for real, today has actually been okay. The last few days have been really rough pain-wise, but it hasn't been quite as bad today, so hopefully it'll ease off back to normal from here~ I've also been pretty productive in the last two days so I'm very happy with myself rn ^^

_

What’s your comfort food?

I have a couple! Chocolate, of course, is a classic one (chocolate peanuts in particular are something I reach for for comfort). And also, a hot pasta-based meal like lasagna or, heck just pasta in a nice sauce will do. Those meals are more like the comfort of being warm and homely, the kind of thing I might love if I were really tired and feeling sorry for myself, while chocolate peanuts are the "I'm upset so I'm eating my feelings" food. X')

_

Do you still love stuffed animals?

Of course! I don't have tons all over my bed purely because it's inconvenient, but I do keep two huge ones- a dog and a shark- on top of my wardrobe, and my littlest childhood friend is always in my room somewhere~

His name is Scruffy, and right now he's sleeping in my crystal box (open) on top of all the empty velvet bags. ^^ I used to take him everywhere, cuddle him every night as a slept.. he usually smelled pretty gross because I never wanted to give him up to be washed, haha X) thankfully he doesn't have that problem now~

_

What’s something you do to de-stress?

This might sound lame but, jigsaw puzzles. It has to be real ones, at the table with some music in my headphones. If I can't do that for whatever reason, I go to the bathroom and run cold water over my wrists for a minute or two, over the veiny side. It's kind of a mini cleansing ritual. I sometimes combine that with some deep breaths and imagine the water is literally washing the stress out of me, and it really does help. It's something I can do quickly and easily, I can just do it while or after washing my hands or something and that's that~

_

Hugs or hand-holding?

Hmm... prolonged, I'm not a huge fan of either? Eventually if you're holding hands it's like, when do you let go? What if your hand gets warm and clammy, or sweaty? Same with like a cuddle. Once you're in it, how do you say "hey I'm kind of uncomfortable now, this physical contact has gone on too long"? You don't want to be rude, and it might be hard to explain, so you've probably got to blame on being too warm even if you're not, and then that's a lie, and.. it's just awkward.

A regular hug though, that's okay. It can last longer than usual and still not be a problem, because at least, you know, you won't be hugging for half an hour, at some point soon you'll let go. And it feels nice, you know? From someone I care about and trust anyway~ it's like a physical way of saying "I love you" and it's nice to have someone's arms holding you, to wrap yours around them and just hold them tight.. you both feel warm inside and secure and wanted. I wouldn't be keen on a hug from a stranger or an acquaintance, even a new-ish friend. But someone who's close to me? All the hugs. Give me the hugs, let me hug you back, many many hugs. X)

_

Morning, afternoon or night?

Night! Actually I love those really early mornings, you know when the air still has that kind of... Crispness to it. That is amazing. But I'm never awake for that anymore.

(^▽ ^;)ゞ

_

What reminds you of home?

Thunderstorms, loud planes overhead, chinook noises, soft hugs when I'm upset, mum's cooking, pictures of our old dog Harvey, little fluffy dogs running about.

Most of this is easy to figure out I'm sure, but I do want to talk about the first couple.

Until the age of 11 my family lived on a military air base, so there were always big planes taking off and landing, and I really do mean always. We learned the difference between some of them by sound. I could be sat at home and we'd hear one and know, that had to be a Herc landing (landing always sounded different to taking off), or a teacher would have to stop talking at school to let one go by, and everyone knew that one was a VC10. (VC10s are the LOUDEST thing I have ever heard to this day. I'd probably still recognise one now~)

We also saw and heard Chinooks a lot. Now for anyone who doesn't know, those are the weird helicopters that have two... Fan parts? I don't actually know what they're called. X') (I looked it up, they're called rotors!) They kinda look like the bit of a retro telephone that you'd pick up and hold to your face.

Now having two rotors means that they can carry a Lot of weight, but it also means they don't sound like normal helicopters do. The two rotors are timed out so that the blades from each side can go through the same middle space without hitting each other, Left blade then right blade then left then right then left, and you can kind of hear it happening. Instead of the kind of 'Wubbubbubbubbubbub' of normal helicopters, a chinook sounds more like 'Wokka wokka wokka wokka'.

Where I am now, we only hear some small jets once a week at most when they take practice flights, and sometimes a normal police or ambulance helicopter. It took me a long time to get used to the quiet of most places, and sometimes I miss all the overhead noise we had back then.

And we got so many thunderstorms! Every single summer, usually at night. Now that I think about it the pollution from all the aircraft might have been involved in this too. >w>" But I loved it. We'd all gather in mum's room and open the curtains wide to watch. My little sister was scared of thunder back then so it was better for her to have people around and to make it fun. I was always just excited! And I still get that way if I hear thunder now~

[thehiddensouth]

Mary

Denver, CO - 2018-7-3  #GreyMatters

Mary: By the time I was three years old, I’d had several brain injuries. And when I was three and a half our dog got hit by a car. My dad took it out to the shed and strangled it because there was nothing else to do with the animal. I walked in when he was strangling our dog.

BW: Do you think that impacted your mental health back then?

Mary: Oh, sure. My dad had hit my sister around that time and knocked her jaw out of place too so there was violence in the house. When you’re young, you’re very vulnerable to the circumstances of your environment. It’s at that point in our life we’re formulating what we’re going to be like. 

I also discovered that I had gender identity issues. All this was hitting me when I was very young. My life has been erratic ever since. 

Growing up, I was bullied because I was upfront about my intentions to become a woman. My school chums just hated me. They were relentless. I was one of the biggest kids in school, but because I wouldn’t fight, they would . . . I was scared. I was just terrified. 

When I was 10, I had a seizure following a head-butting game with a friend of mine. Apparently, the injuries I’d had when I was younger put together with that head-butting affected me dramatically. All of a sudden I couldn’t turn in circles anymore. I’d get motion illness very easily. That set me up for the neurological decline which they eventually diagnosed me with a couple of years ago. It turns out I have a white mass covering the inside of my skull plate and scars and lesions.

Also, when I was 10, I was sexually molested by a pediatrician for a year and a half. That gave me multiple personality disorder. Back then, it was just make-believe personalities that I kept inside of me, but then they emerged later as something more real.

By the time I hit adulthood, I realized I was transgendered and eventually went through with the surgery. I didn’t graduate from high school, and I ended up falling into drug abuse most of my adult life. By the time I was 30, I was pretty badly disabled. I’d abused a lot of drugs, and I was just a mess.

I met my partner and moved in with her, and started recovery, sort of. In about 2009, I started taking the recovery more seriously. I entered treatment for a rape that I suffered at the turn of the century from a violent predator. I realized the rape was affecting me pretty severely and causing multiple personalities to come out. 

My partner and I were having a lot of issues. My counselor encouraged me to volunteer, so I started as a receptionist at the Gender Identity Center. I also started volunteering for the crisis unit for WINGS, survivors of childhood sexual assault. They ended up taking a statewide crisis contract for doing phone services and established a peer team. I was the first hire on the team. I did crisis work for a year and a half as a peer specialist on the statewide support line., and that was awesome. 

But a girl on the team committed suicide, and I went down hard. I just couldn’t deal with it. I lost the ability to speak briefly. I was having neurological problems before she died and they became quite pronounced afterward. I had to leave the job. I almost died from stress within a few months. I had a neurological collapse.

It started out just dropping things. Eventually, it affected my speech. I had trouble controlling the left half of my body, even the left half of my tongue. At its worst, the left half of my tongue was hanging slack and the right half of my tongue was doing all the work to make me speak. It’s been two and a half years. 

BW: Has suicide come up for you?

Mary: Oh, yeah. I’ve been tempted many times in my life. If I get really stressed out and things are bad, it’s the first thought that always comes to mind. “I should just kill myself.” Then the sobering thoughts are, “Of course I’m not going to kill myself. That’s out of proportion to the circumstance.” My last attempt was 22 years ago.

BW: What’s helped?

Mary: Just trying to keep hope alive in my heart. If you’ve got hope in your heart, you can make it through just about anything. 

And this little one, she helps stabilize me when I’m getting emotional, anxious, depressed, or angry.

[missmentelle]

I feel really stuck. I'm trying to move fowards but something always comes up. I still live with my family and I have no privacy and have to explain where I’m going and what I'm doing all the time. I really want to get back at uni and I’m trying but that means no time to get a job and won’t be able to move. I can’t stand the city anymore, i can’t stand being so useless. I feel like I haven’t lived at all, i’ve never been in a relationship, haven’t travelled, how do i take control of my life?

It’s tough to make a step-by-step guide or action plan for getting your life together when I don’t really have a ton of information about your goals or financial situation, but I will give it my best shot:

Go easy on yourself. While there are some people out there in this world who manage to be world-travelling Instagram stars, planning their dream weddings and moving up in their glamorous careers at age 25, those people are very few and far between. Many of them come from incredibly privileged backgrounds or have the types of parental support that most of us can only dream of. Being unworldly, directionless and living at home with your parents is the normal 20-something experience. What you’re going through is common. You feel like you haven’t lived yet because your life has barely begun; you haven’t fallen behind, you and your peers are still on the starting line. You have a lot of time ahead of you, and it’s important to be kind to yourself, and to be realistic about the progress you’ll make. You aren’t going to go from being broke in your childhood bedroom to being a high-flying career person with a spouse and a ritzy apartment overnight. Be gentle, and don’t beat yourself up for being young and inexperienced - you have a long journey ahead of you, and you’ll need to save your emotional strength to make it through.

Focus on finishing university. At this point in your life, I think your top priority needs to be finishing your degree as quickly as possible, even if it requires some short term sacrifices. I know that your living situation is irritating and that you are tired of not having privacy, but if you can tolerate your parents and your city for a little while longer and keep going to school while living at home, you’re potentially setting yourself up for a huge advantage in life by completing your degree with minimal debt. The problem with putting off university to get a job and move out is that once you’ve taken on financial responsibilities like rent and bills, it will be a lot more difficult to find the time, resources and motivation to go back to being a student, and your options will be limited for moving into a higher paying job. It’s very easy to get yourself stuck in a vicious cycle of living paycheque-to-paycheque in a low wage job, and not being able to improve your situation because you can’t afford to quit your job and go back to school - my high school friends are in their mid-to-late 20s now, and many of them are now stuck in retail or service industry jobs because it’s difficult for them to give up their source of income and return to school, especially now that some of them have kids or partners. A degree is not a guarantee of a good job, but it’s certainly a mandatory minimum requirement for most opportunities now, and it opens up possibilities like grad school or law school; the sooner you get it out of the way, the sooner you can start building a career, gaining independence and saving up money for travel. University is also a valuable social resource - by getting involved on campus, you can start making meaningful friendships, meeting potential partners, and building useful connections. 

Try new things. One of the keys to living an interesting life and gaining valuable experiences is to actively try new things. It’s hard to gain life experiences by doing the same things over and over again. Challenge yourself to do at least one new thing per month. You don’t necessarily have to like it - you just have to try it. Sign up to volunteer somewhere new. Take a zumba class. Sign up for a new dating app. Write a short story. Change your hair. Start a blog. Go to a restaurant you’ve never been to. Join a local D&D group. You might be surprised by what you end up liking. I ended up in my current career because I took a psych elective to fulfill the social science requirement of my computer science program - sometimes trying something new can lead you down a whole new path you never imagined. It’s also a great way to meet new people that you might never otherwise have met.  If you’re feeling like your life is in a rut, new experiences are a great and easy way to un-rut yourself. 

Have side projects and goals. It’s easy to feel like your life isn’t going anywhere when you don’t have any way to measure your progress. Even while you’re stuck living at your parents’ house, there are ways to keep moving forward with your life. Always have a project or hobby or goal in your life that you can work on. The possibilities are pretty much endless - you could work on your physical fitness, an artistic project, knitting, improving your cooking, journalling, photography, restoring furniture, learning a language, playing an instrument, etc. Anything that captures your attention. Set small, manageable goals and track your progress. Feeling like you are improving in one area of your life can go a long way to calming your jitters when you are feeling stuck in other areas of your life. 

Don’t rush into a relationship or “settle”. It’s hard to predict where or when you’ll get into your first relationship - you might meet your first partner next week or five years from now. Some people meet the love of their life on Tinder within weeks of signing up, some people use dating apps for months without success. All you can really do is put yourself out there, keep working on yourself as a person, and see what happens. The one thing I will advise, though, is that you be cautious of settling for the first person who comes along. If you’ve never been in a relationship and you really want to be in one, it can be tempting to rush headfirst into a relationship with the first promising person you meet - especially if you’ve had to watch your other friends be in long-term relationships for a while now. If you meet someone who seems great, it can be easy to get very serious, very fast, and rush straight to “let’s move in together”, especially when you are already looking for a way to get out of your family’s house. Don’t rush. It’s okay to be disappointed that you haven’t had a relationship yet, but remember that a relationship should be something you get into because you truly want to be with the other person, and not just because you want to check “dating” off your list of adult milestones. If you meet someone, that’s fantastic, but remember that it’s okay to take things slow - if this is really the person for you, they will still be there six months or a year or two years from now. Getting too serious with someone too quickly can mean missing some glaring red flags, and tying yourself financially to someone you haven’t been dating very long can be a recipe for unwanted stress.

Remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s easy to blame your problems on the city you live in. The world is full of people saying that everything would be better if they could just get out of this town. Thousands of people dream about moving to NYC, and there are thousands of people walking around NYC who dream of getting the fuck out of here. No matter where you live, there is someone who dreams of moving there, and no matter where you want to go, there is someone there who is desperate to leave. No place is perfect - every place has its perks and its downsides (for instance, NYC has lots of things to do, but every square inch of this place smells like stale urine and hot dog water). Unless you are making a drastic change in setting - like from rural to urban, or from one country to another - you’re going to find that most places have very similar problems; high rents, rising cost of living, too much competition for jobs, bad dating scenes, overcrowded public transit, crumbling infrastructure, etc, etc. There might be legitimate reasons to want to leave your current location - you live in a dying small town, the climate where you live is affecting your health, you want to work in an industry that only exists in a specific location - but it’s important to keep in mind that location isn’t everything, and you can still make progress in your life while living somewhere that you don’t necessarily love or want to stay in. 

I can relate a lot to what you’re going through - while most of my friends moved out on their own right after high school and started what I thought were glamorous adult lives, I lived at home with my incredibly overbearing parents for four years and took the bus back and forth to a sensible, commuter campus university in a city that I didn’t like. I had friends and I did my best to make the most of my time in college, but part of me felt like I was being denied the formative experiences that other people were having - moving in with their partners, getting an off-campus apartment with roommates, partying all night and not having to answer to their parents, and so on. After graduating, though, I was able to find a full-time job in my field earning more than double the minimum wage, and I moved into an apartment with my best-friend-turned-boyfriend. The money I had saved by living at home during university allowed me to go after my dreams of attending grad school in NYC, and that decision led me to all kind of experiences I never expected to have and friends I never expected to meet. At 26, my life isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely well beyond what I expected when I was a frustrated 21-year-old commuting to school and having my mother constantly ask when I’d be home. Change takes time, and your 20s are tough. Have patience, and keep doing the best you can.

Best of luck to you!

[blancheludis]

A/N: @iron-man-bingo, square: “You’re a disappointment.”

Fandom: Marvel, MCU, Avengers Characters: Tony Stark, Steve Rogers Words: 4.490 Tags: Slightly Unhinged Tony, Morally Grey Tony, First Meeting

Summary: "You," Tony says as he looks down at the trembling body of Steve Rogers, "are a disappointment." It's too bad that Fury wants Rogers on the team anyway.

---

Afghanistan changed Tony. Of course it did. Before, he would not have taken the time to sit in a street café, sipping his coffee as if it is the only thing he has come here for, while he looks at the apartment complex on the other side of the street through his sunglasses.

Fourteen people are currently in there, but Tony is only interested in one. JARVIS feeds him information on the stability of the building, on possible structural and collateral damage should it come to a fight. He is also analysing Tony’s caffeine levels as if that has ever stopped Tony from pouring more coffee down his throat. He has already filled half of this cup with whiskey, so it is not like he is not watching his health.

“Target is asleep,” JARVIS speaks up when there are only a few sips left in Tony’s cup. Perfect timing. Tony is sure JARVIS would have intervened if he had ordered another one.

For the past hours, the man they are looking for has been restless, pacing the small apartment, then he tried to sleep but woke up from a nightmare only minutes later. He has also wolfed down most of what was in the fridge. Now, the readings indicate that he is not going to wake up again soon. Tony almost regrets having to disturb the sleep that he has waited so long for.

Leaving enough bills on the table to cover his coffee and the tip, Tony walks over the street and lets himself into the apartment building. He saunters in there as if he belongs here, knowing exactly where he is going and trusts JARVIS to inform him should any trouble arise.

Tony does not go in guns blazing. Instead, he opens the door quietly, has a look around the flat, which belongs to a Sam Wilson, who appears to be a nice guy, although he might come to regret that. Tony’s feet make no sound as he walks towards the bedroom. Ever since he has begun experimenting on a stealth suit, he has included some of the features into his everyday life. Walking soundlessly is definitely a perk.

Propping the door open, Tony remains where he is and takes in the target first. The man lies curled around himself on the bed. From what little there is visible of him, he looks exactly like in the pictures; blonde, tall, muscles piled upon muscles. He is nice to look at, but Tony has done enough looking for one day.

Tony walks up to the foot of the bed, looks down with a strange feeling in his gut, and clears his throat.

The change is instantaneous. The man’s muscles tense as he comes awake. One moment, he is lying down, the next his back is pressed against the headboard, looking around wildly until his eyes fall on Tony. He is shivering and his heart, as JARVIS supplies helpfully directly in Tony’s ear, is racing.

“You,” Tony says as he looks down at the shivering body of Steve Rogers, “are a disappointment.”

all the stories Tony has heard, growing up, Captain America was that inspiring figure, never backing down from doing the right thing. In reality, Steve Rogers is a man like everybody else, frightened and confused, running from his problems as if there is any escaping them. Tony never runs. He is built from sterner stuff, and he hates that he has wasted years of his childhood looking up to a man who is just as fallible as everybody else.  

Rogers blinks up at him, perhaps wondering whether Tony is only a figment of his mind. The tension never leaves him, but he does not lash out. He probably does not see Tony as a threat. Few people did before Iron Man, and Rogers does not know what he is capable of, with the suit or without.

Right now, Tony is wearing a three-piece-suit and his sunglasses. He looks wealthy and careless and altogether not like someone who would break into an apartment complex – at least not in this part of town – so he understands Rogers’ confusion. Being underestimated has made things so much easier for Tony countless times.

Rogers’ throat moves as if he wants to speak, but no sounds passes his lips. He just blinks several times, then pinches the bridge of his nose. Tony expected something more.

He has been watching Rogers for days now, ever since Fury came to him after they lost their newly defrosted supersoldier, expecting Tony to fix their mess as usual.  His unfamiliarity with modern times aside, Rogers should have had more of a plan to his flight. As someone praised for his strategic genius, getting on the first bus out of New York and then turning to stress-running in Washington until Mr. Wilson stumbled over him and offered to help does not sound very strategical to Tony. Perhaps that only comes out when there is gunfire and falling bombs. It will not be that hard to arrange for that. If Tony decides to go along with Fury’s scheme to pull Rogers on the team. For now, Tony still has doubts.

“Dear old dad always said you were his greatest creation,” Tony continues in a tone that is almost pleasant if not for the sharpness lingering beneath the words. “But I just don’t see it.”

Tony makes a show of looking Rogers up and down. He is wearing an obviously borrowed shirt, which does not leave much to imagination, stretching quite nicely over Rogers’ muscles.

Rogers looks more aware now, but he still does not say anything. He watches Tony, almost like he is biding his time. Well, Tony decides to start poking the bear, lest they keep staring at each other for even longer.

“I think you’re just like a dog,” Tony says, the words belying the sweetness of his tone, “who throws himself happily into every fight he can find. But when you don’t like what you hear, you become rabid.” Clicking his tongue, Tony leans a bit forward, although he takes care to remain out of Rogers’ immediate reach. “That’s not a good trait in a dog.”

Rogers’ demeanour changes from confused and shaken to angry within seconds. His forehead folds into a frown, while his eyes become more focused, assessing. It is too bad that all of this comes too late. Tony could have taken him out a dozen times by now, in a dozen different ways.

“Who are you?” Rogers asks. He shifts his position to better push himself up if needed, trying and failing to be subtle about it.

Tony is sure the only reason things have not already devolved into a fight, is because Tony does not look like any of the other goons Fury must have sent to follow Rogers up until now. Instead, he looks like a businessman, and people like Rogers do not know to be afraid of those. Although Rogers should know better, considering he was acquainted with Howard.

“Your employer works for me,” Tony answers brightly, a small smirk playing on his lips. “If you ask Fury, he’d tell you I’m working for him, but I could tear down his laughable organisation during my lunch break. I let him keep his illusion, though. Makes working together much easier. Unfortunately, that makes you my problem,” Tony points at Rogers, grimacing, “and I’m not known for letting my weapons run rampant.”

The world knows that by now after he has torn Stane down for all the world to see from the throne he had built on Tony’s shoulders.

Afghanistan has changed more than his tendency to be impatient. People say Tony snapped over there, that he has gone mad under torture. The truth is, he has always been a little unhinged. That should not surprise anyone, considering that Stark blood is running through his veins. He has just stopped pouring so much energy into pretending otherwise. Life is much easier like this.

Stane and the Ten Rings also made him realize that supplying his country with the biggest sticks is not the best way to deal with war. Especially considering he trusted the wrong person and let his weapons end up all over the world, in all the wrong hands. Tony has to be the biggest stick himself, on the field and off.

He has never had much patience for politics, but he stepped up nonetheless. Everybody has known him before, if just as the billionaire playboy who also sells the best weapons around. It was not so hard to form that image into something with more political sway. The prodigal son returned home, a little bit broken but more ready than ever to defend his country.

Stark Industries has never sold more or better weapons, the stock sky-rocketed. In just a few years, Tony has taken Howard’s legacy and made it into something to be really in awe of.

Reaching out to SHIELD had been the logical next step, considering its influence and the fact that it is his father and godmother’s brainchild. Of course, it comes with annoying tasks like hunting down an errand Captain America, who does not yet know that it is best for him to play along until there is a fool-proof opening – not that Tony plans on letting him have that. Ever.

If Fury and his extra-terrestrial source are to be believed, they have worse enough things coming for them to need all capable hands on deck. Even if it means that Tony has to deal with a defrosted hero he really could have done without ever meeting.

“I’m not a weapon,” Rogers finally says. His voice is hoarse, likely from screaming out earlier during his nightmare.

Tony allows himself to laugh. From his point of view, Rogers appears small, literally and metaphorically. It is probably not a good idea to provoke Rogers but Tony cannot help himself. Angry people make mistakes.

“Erskine wanted to create the perfect soldier, the perfect weapon,” he says, remembering the recruitment flyers Howard kept close to his shrine for Captain America. And there you were, the first in line.”

“I wasn’t –” Rogers protests but Tony cuts him off. They have already wasted enough time.

“Let’s adjourn this argument,” he says shortly. “Fury wants me to put a chip inside you so he can track you down next time you run off.” Tony does not need such primitive means, and there is already a tracker in Rogers’ phone, but he keeps that to himself. Rogers looks spooked enough already. Spooked on the verge of getting furious. “For now, I’m telling him no. I can change my mind any time, though, so you had better not make an enemy out of me.”

Which is easier said than done since Tony does not have a very high opinion of Steve Rogers already.

Rogers straightens further. He has not yet made a move to stand up, but he probably thinks surprise will be on his side if he strikes from his place on the bed.

“Who. Are. You?” Rogers repeats his earlier question, although with much more of a bite to it now.

“Shouldn’t that be obvious? They told me you are smart, but I guess that only works when you’re trying to figure out where to best hit people.” Spreading his arms, Tony sticks his chin out and says, “I’m Tony Stark. Don’t compare me to my father, I’ve surpassed him a long while ago.”

Right before him, Tony can see how Rogers re-evaluates him as no threat at all. This will be fun, at least until it starts to become annoying. Rogers should be concerned with how Tony found him and managed to sneak up on him until he was literally standing over the bed. Yet, people like Rogers put too much on appearances.

“And what do you want from me?”

All his childhood, Tony wanted to live up to Captain America, to make his father proud.  Afghanistan has changes that too. Tony is completely his own person now. He prefers others wanting to live up to him.

“Frankly, I would have preferred if you’d stayed in the ice,” Tony explains easily, rocking back on the soles of his feet, seemingly easy to be pushed off balance. “But Fury’s got that idea of a group as a first line of attack against a superhuman threat he thinks is coming, and he wants you on the team.”

Nobody can quite say what that threat is, but as little as Tony likes Fury, he trusts the man’s instincts. Without them, he would not have survived half as long as he has. Peggy personally made him her successor too. That has to count for something.  

“Right now,” Tony continues with some smugness, “I’m the team, and I have no problems with it staying that way if you can’t listen to orders.”

His, of course, not Fury’s. But these semantics are better hashed out once they are all back home.

“I’m no one’s attack dog,” Rogers all but growls, hands clenched at his side.  

Tony looks at him with pity. “Except the US Army’s?” he asks and shrugs as if he does not mind that. “You were quite eager then to become their mascot. And they are eager now to get you back.” In fact, they are eager enough that they have stopped bothering Tony about giving them the Iron Man suit for the time being. It will not last, but Tony is glad for the respite. “You’ll find that your nice patriotic title won’t help you much these days if you decide to defy them. Compared to them, Fury’s very lenient. But it’s your choice, the military or SHIELD.”

Rogers does not like his decisions being made for him, Tony would not have needed Peggy’s stories to know that. One look at Roger’s face right now makes it very clear. His lips are pulled down as if he has bitten on something sour even while something suspiciously like relief flashes over his face. It is the anticipation of a fight that has him able to pull himself out of the last lingering traces of his nightmare-induced misery, to shake off the feelings that made him run away in the first place.

“What if I don’t want either of those?” Rogers asks, a little impatient as if he is ready to be done with words.

“I like people going for the third option,” Tony declares with a bright smile. He naturally prefers it when it benefits him. “Sadly, there’s none for you. Sorry,”

Rogers squares his shoulders as he sits fully up. “I refuse,” he says very clearly, staring at Tony as if he thinks he can intimidate him with that alone.

“Wrong answer,” Tony snaps, voice suddenly sharp and without any trace of humour. “Try again.”

Silence engulfs them as they stare at each other as they go from a mostly-friendly chat between a run-away and an intruder to facing off. With a shuddering breath sounding almost a sigh, Steve gets to his feet and Tony lets him, even though his violent intent is apparent in the way he glares. Tony is not afraid of their defrosted supersolider. No matter how good the serum is, it is outdated compared to what Tony has built for himself.

“No,” Rogers says firmly, never breaking eye contact.

He settles into a fighting position, legs hip-width apart, fists raised. Tony is still standing at the foot of the bed, but he has seen videos of Rogers in action, so he knows how fast he is. Rogers does not have his shield. It is no secret that, like this, Tony is no match for Captain America. Luckily, he does not have to be.

Stepping around the bed, Tony taps against the arc reactor hidden under his shirt, and smiles when he feels the armour stretching out over his skin, engulfing him whole.

Rogers must have been informed about Iron Man, although he obviously does not know any specifics. His face goes blank as he stares at the rapidly unfolding metal swallowing Tony whole.

“Let’s do it your way then,” Tony says once he is all suited up. The voice modulator makes his voice sound impassive, even while he feels like giggling at the sheer excitement of going up against Captain America.

He raises his arm and powers up the repulsor, the familiar sound is like music in his ear. Even for someone who does not know exactly what he is facing, this is an unmistakeable threat.

When Rogers does not move, Tony taunts him, “Come on, I love to dance.”

Satisfaction shoots through him when Rogers finches as if he has already been wounded.  Peggy had told him about Roger’ last words to her. It might be a low blow to use them like that, but Rogers might as well have not reacted to them at all. Being that sensitive only gets one killed.

“I don’t want to fight you,” Rogers says, even though the trembling eagerness in his position belies that. It is rather belittling of him to insinuate that he can take Tony.

“Great,” Tony exclaims and goes so far as to power down the repulsor, “you’ve got some brain cells left up there. Let’s head right back to SHIELD then. Fury’s got someone to introduce to you. Two people, actually. You’ll like them.” Because there is always a little devil riding Tony’s shoulder, he adds, “One is a redhead. I heard you like to go for them.”

Tony expects the punch even before JARVIS warns him of Rogers’ movement. He does not move, though but lets Rogers split his knuckles on the suit’s faceplate. Despite the power behind it, Tony barely feels a tingle.

Tony waits for the confusion at the ineffective punch to register with Rogers and only then does he react. In one smooth motion, he grabs Rogers’ arm and kicks his legs out from under him. With enough power to knock the breath out of him, Tony pushes Rogers face-first to the ground and follows him down, pinning him down with the armour. He twists Rogers’ arm up his back, applying just enough pressure to make Rogers gasp.

Rogers struggles and tries to throw Tony off, but the suit does not budge even one bit. He is always tinkering with the suit, making it better. Ever since he heard of Rogers having been found in the ice, he put in special effort to be sure it will withstand an assault by the supersoldier. In Tony’s mind, it has been inevitable that they will clash one day, so he does not mind having sped up the schedule a bit.

They lie on the floor for a long minute, Rogers is breathing heavily, while Tony allows himself to grin in the safety of his helmet. It is better not to let Rogers know that he is enjoying himself.

“Are you ready to come back?” Tony asks right in Steve’s ear. “Or I can let you get back up and we can go again.”

Perhaps Rogers would even last longer this time, not underestimating Tony so much.

“Do you feel good about yourself? Hiding behind your suit?” Rogers hisses back. “Take it off and you’re nothing.”

Tony is so bored with people trying to take the moral high road with him, of people reducing him to what he has as if he has not built all of that for himself. Howard might have laid the groundworks for Stark Industries, but Tony has already gone far beyond what his father could have ever achieved with it.  

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Tony replies, wishing he would have let Rogers punch the suit a couple more times. “I built the suit. If you take it away, I’ll build another, or anything else I can think off.” Leaning forward, he applies more pressure on Rogers’ twisted arm. “What are you without the serum? Erskine and my father made you what you are. If you keep being a bother, I might just go ahead and reverse it.”

For a brief moment, Rogers goes still beneath him, then he fights with new fervour. “You can’t do that,” he says but sounds slightly uncertain about it.

“Everything special about you came out of a bottle,” Tony explains, almost gentle although the voice modulator makes a mockery of it, turning it flat. “You were made, so you can be unmade.”

Rogers doubles his efforts to get free, but Tony locks his joints in place and becomes literally dead weight on top of Rogers’ body. A lesser human might have been crushed by that. Finally, Rogers relaxes as a sign of surrender, although his expression remains tense, angry.

Tony remains where he is for a moment longer just to drive the point home. Then he gets smoothly to his feet and does not offer Rogers a hand to help him up. It is not even that he dislikes Rogers. From what he has seen up until now, he seems like a decent guy. Nonetheless, it feels like bringing a piece of Howard back to life.

Giving a quiet command, the suit folds back into itself, leaving Tony in his immaculate suit. Rogers, still lying on the ground, tracks the process with keen eyes before he pushes himself up. Standing right in front of each other, if becomes obvious how much taller Rogers is. None of that helps him here, though.

Tony nods, considering the arguing part of their meeting as dealt with. He turns around to look at the room, deliberately leaving his back open. It is as much a show of power as it is a gift. He is not here to make an enemy out of Rogers.

Once he has surveyed the whole room – what little there is – he looks back at Rogers. His lips are pulled up into a wide smile, friendly but obviously hiding teeth.

“I’ve got an apartment waiting for you in my tower.”

Of all the things Tony could have said, Rogers definitely did not expect this. Several emotions wander over Rogers’ face, the most easily recognizable is doubt.

“Why?” he then asks, a dozen more questions waiting beneath that word.

Tony sighs exaggeratedly. “We’re supposed to be a team,” he says as if their altercation just now never happened. “And I’d be grumpy too if I had to live in SHIELD’s barracks. I’ve seen the cell they call your room. I promise you’ll have windows from now on. The view is quite nice too.”

It becomes apparent very quickly that Rogers does not know what to make of Tony. Few people do, though, and he likes it that way.

“Is that what you do?” Rogers then asks. “Going from threatening someone to inviting them to live in your home in under a minute?”

Tony grins and knows it must look manic. “Short answer? Yes,” he says. It is not as if he has much to fear from Rogers.

Afghanistan has changed that too. Tony has never trusted easily, but he is not waiting for others to prove their worth anymore. Neither does he try to prove his. He simply shapes his world in a way that makes it very hard for others to betray him. He will take in Rogers, and even Hawkeye and Black Widow, although he already knows he cannot trust them. In the tower, he will have them under constant surveillance, though. There is no hiding from him anywhere in the world, but especially not in his own kingdom. Fury wants them to play nice, so he will do that – as long as he can make the rules.

“But I didn’t come to threaten you, just to bring you back,” Tony continues nonchalantly, not mentioning how much fun it was anyway. With a gesture at Rogers body, he adds, “I’ve also already designed new armour for you, and since no one else has such a ridiculous body shape, I need you to come. I’d hate for my effort to be wasted.”

The fainted hint of a warning accompanies his tone, not mixing well with his otherwise smiling face.

Tony feels Rogers’ eyes on him, practically hears the thoughts rattling inside his head. His behaviour throws people off, his mood swings, his unpredictability. He likes putting people on edge, though, making them wonder how he will react – especially since it is not usually in their favour. It is a good thing bullets tend to ricochet off the suit. Enough people have tried to get rid of him even before surviving Afghanistan has turned him into a better version of himself. He is not yet done with the world.

In front of him, Rogers’ gaze wander from him to the door and then to the window, checking possible escape routes. The moment he steps onto the street without Tony at his side, two more Iron Man suits will keep him from running further. Tony has promised Fury to bring the good Captain back. If his words fail, his tech will not.

After an eternity of contemplation, Rogers’ stance relaxes a bit. He does not quite look like he is giving in or that he will not try to run again at the first opportunity, but that would have only disappointed Tony further. For now, though, Rogers will play along.

“All right,” Rogers says with some trepidation, “but I’m not going to let you send me anywhere blind. I want to know what we’re doing at all times.”

There should be questions about what superhuman threat is supposed to mean, or why a group of people with special abilities is needed, but Rogers has seen his fair share of strange things, so he takes it at face value for now.

It is amusing, of course, that Rogers thinks he is going to have any say in what is going to happen, but Tony knows how important it is to leave people their illusions, so he nods.

“Done. Now come on before Fury sends the Black Widow after us. She could kill you with her little finger alone.”

Not Tony, though. He has a hundred precautions in place to keep Romanoff from stabbing his back. The moment she makes a single wrong move, she is going to find she made the wrong kind of enemy in him.

“That team of yours,” Rogers asks, taking the first hesitant step towards Tony, “what is it called?”

Tony grins like a shark. “We’re the Avengers.”

It is a fitting name. Vengeance has always been dear to his heart. And Rogers, if the faint glint in his eyes is anything to go by, has some things to put right too, even if it means throwing his lot in with the likes of Tony.

He has a feeling they will work well together once this awkward phase of getting to know each other is over. If not, Tony will make it so.

[natsthinkitythinkthinkthonk]

Mental Health in Anime - Rant + Vitamin (Manga) - Thoughts

Sorry for the random capslock. I do that when I’m really livid.

Trigger warning: This post mentions mental illness including depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and eating disorders. It mentions suicide and assault that may make some readers uncomfortable.

I wanted to keep this safe for the guidelines, but I also didn’t want to shy away from these topics because I know how hard these things hit sometimes, and I don’t want to shy away from things like these anymore. These topics all have a huge place in my life which I advocate for, and I wouldn’t want to downplay it.

For the first time in a VERY long time, I read a manga series. Series meaning three chapters. I have commitment issues. Lots of them. Anyway, I read it thinking, “I want to read a series that addresses mental health in a more realistic way”. Why do I say that? Well, for now, I’m going to rant about anime and mental health as a whole. After that, I will get to the manga I just read. It won’t be a review as much as it’ll be the thoughts I had on it.

Well, shounen anime I’ve watched and the stuff that’s directed towards me definitely doesn’t touch mental health often. You can see below that shounen manga will do ANYTHING ELSE BUT THAT. Usually, it’s shoujo manga that gets into emotional territory, and sometimes, I watch it for stuff like that. I don’t want to watch something that tells me to man up all the time or that friendship is everything or that I can have superpowers and be admired by people out there all the time. When it comes down to it, sometimes I want characters that I can relate to on a more intimate level. I want to feel like I can have a heart-to-heart with them without someone out there laughing at me. I don’t want to cry tears that are laughed at. But even then, a whole lot of the time, I don’t see mental health interpreted well in anime.

Well, let’s see... as a general overview, let’s see what I’ve seen in depictions of shounen and shoujo anime/manga:

Shounen manga: 

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IS NORMAL. DEAL THE F**K WITH IT. HAD YOUR PARENTS KILLED? ME TOO. BEEN MURDERED? ME TOO. I’M DEAD. IN FACT, I’VE MURDERED PEOPLE. Mental health? They can barely keep their regular health in order. The only treatment you need is friendship speeches and training montages. Trauma makes you stronger even if it breaks you with no one there to help you. It’s alright until you’re dead.

Examples: - The entire cast of Naruto ~ Yeah, Naruto’s an orphan, his village hates him, he was bullied, he made through his childhood struggles by making it through mischief. Sasuke had his entire family killed by his brother. I can go on. - BNHA Class ~ Attacked by villains? Who gives a f**k, you’re aiming to become heroes. Please, we already spent the budget on those costumes. No one needs help. Hell, we spent our health budget on Deku’s bones. No complaints.  - Mirai Nikki ~ I know it’s like all other manga where they give it the excuse that it’s the point of the series, but we all know both Yukki and Yuno are not healthy.

Shoujo manga: 

Your beloved what’s-his-face will come running in to save your butt because we know that real help is an illusion. Issues can be solved if you fall in love... obviously.

Too many examples to list. Let’s move on.

Bad Examples:

This is just my opinion. Maybe you think this series interpreted it well, but for at least the first part of the series, all of these did not.

Soul Eater: Death the Kid

I know it’s supposed to be funny, but come on, the guy needs help. No one addresses it. It bothered me the whole time I was watching the show. I think you can make me laugh without making fun of OCD. 

I think you can leave Crona agender WITHOUT forcing pronouns onto them. Seriously, some people think that Crona’s gender is a joke. I’m still not over the fact Funimation thought that “he/him” was the most gender-neutral they can get.

Literally Watamote’s existence

It’s about a person with social anxiety? See? It’s funny. Because... they’re socially awkward... and anxious... I don’t get it.

The Beginning of Watashi ga Motete Dousunda

NOW, THIS. THIS IS THE REASON WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO EVEN TOUCH THIS ANIME.

How is “losing a ton of weight randomly” healthy? Or even more beyond that, her dreams come true once she does? Uh... for a comedic reason? Hmm... that’s not a very good reason. I think we ought to deal with eating disorders in a better way than this.

Bungou Stray Dogs: Osamu Dazai

There are many reasons why I was uneasy with Bungou Stray Dogs for a while. Dazai was practically the sole reason. I get that Asagiri (the creator) wanted to dodge the interpretation of real-life Dazai’s suicidal tendencies but his anguish came from literal turmoil and struggle. We learn that Dazai’s does too, but it’s portrayed in such a superficial way, and while I do that too as a coping mechanism, I completely understand when people say they will never touch Bungou Stray Dogs because Dazai sets a bad precedence. I personally do not like the way that they chose to go about this. It’s one of the reasons why I actually don’t like Dazai as much as others do.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei

I understand that this is a weird Studio Shaft series, but joking about suicide to this extent made me find it a bit distasteful. 

Good/Better Examples:

These ones tried and did a slightly better job than the ones before. I didn’t comment on the ones I haven’t watched.

A Silent Voice

This story is about a depressed and suicidal man who tries to atone for his past deeds and sins. It’s a beautifully adapted movie, an arguably better manga, and it’s just a masterpiece.

Yuri!!! On Ice

The main force working against our protagonist is himself, or more specifically, his anxiety. As an older figure skater, he has a tough time with his self-image, handling his nerves, etc. I relate.

School-Live!

Yuki lives in a lie and has problems facing the truth about her reality. This is arguably played off as a horror trope, but I found it pretty well-done.

Your Lie in April

The character deals with past trauma with the abuse of his deceased mother. 

Tsuritama

It properly and accurately interprets social anxiety as a kid who keeps moving has to introduce himself over and over again. He feels like he’s drowning and gets pulled up into fishing with his friends as he tries to learn how to handle his stresses with the people around him.

Anohana

The cast has a ton of problems dealing with their past trauma and has no choice but to face it by all means necessary. They didn’t get proper help even though they should’ve.

Monster

Orange

March Comes in Like a Lion

This boy overcomes past trauma and stress by relying on those close to him.

Psycho-Pass

Fullmetal Alchemist

This deals with everything from our characters’ past trauma to post-partum depression (the first time I have ever seen it interpreted in an anime and a SHOUNEN anime at that). 

Vitamin - Thoughts (BELOW)

I read this manga knowing that it contained content to do with mental health, and honestly, I don’t think it had enough time to fully flesh out its capabilities. Its THREE-CHAPTER run was super fast. And it was heavy. And I mean HEAVY. The art was done powerfully. The contents of the story weren’t filtered; it wasn’t held back.

We deal with a character who’s on top of the world with friends, a boyfriend, good studying habits, but it spirals out of control fast.

This anime deals with many untouchable topics such as the risk of suicide, mental illness, (I swear I’m gonna get flagged) s**ual assault, eating disorders, drug abuse, and probably a few other things that I missed.

This hit me and had me having feelings like the little bitch I am. Holy cow cakes. I was reading this with my mom in the same room just trying to not look like the little poop I am. That stuff hit so hard and so close to home. 

You think it’s too out there to really be true, but I don’t think so. At my old school, we definitely had stuff like that.

The growth of this character was rushed, and even if it’s slightly exaggerated, I empathized and felt her pain because bro, I’ve kinda (not to that extent) been there too. It dealt with her attempt, drug abuse, assault, bulimia, and everything. It was blinding, hurtful, and it tears open wounds like no tomorrow.

This isn’t even this mangaka’s first time at it. She has written quite a bit of heavy shoujo stuff.

The ending felt so satisfying. This manga wasn’t eye-opening in ways that it might be for some people. I have been to places like those. I know how it feels. I know other people have been there too, but to see it so rawly interpreted into a manga-format for people to read, that was unexpected. Overall, it was a really well-done manga. In a way, I wish it was longer so it would be a bit more realistic in some ways, but at the same time, I’m not sure how much longer I would’ve lasted. 

[sunnysynthsunshine]

My letter

(Note: I’m aware I can’t personally directly send this to him, but I still felt like sharing this with you, my dear comrades, I was feeling really rubbish yesterday but after typing out all of this I felt a lot better, a lot of the thoughts in this letter are what has been buried under the subtext of some of my poems and that one writing piece I did, some of the topics discussed reference mental health, personal aspects of my life and spirituality so TRIGGER WARNING!..you may keep reading)

Dear Doctor Rik Mayall

Hello!,

I’m Kelsey, I’m a huge fan of your work, old and new, a 17 soon to be 18 year old from Northern Ireland I, unfortunately, wasn’t around to see your Bottom stage shows when they came to Belfast, I was too little at the time.

I did know some of your work though, that short-lived King Arthur cartoon was a show I’d frequently watch, and I remember when you’d voice the Andrex puppy and narrate who let the dogs out!

In later years I’d eventually watch that Young ones show you did, I fell in love with that show, your character too, that show helped me at a time after I finished secondary school when I was feeling really depressed because of drama going on with someone who used to be my so-called friend who I had learned later was manipulating me.

Your show made me realise a lot about myself and the world around me, as someone raised tory you helped me express the true  socialist and anarchist views that I wanted to show, I’m now the me I always wanted to be,I’ve met a lot of my new mates the ones in my college and the ones off the internet because of you, because of either them and I mutually liking one of your shows or me introducing them to your shows and them enjoying it.

I used to study drama as you did, but then I had to study media instead, my dance instructor really tainted my confidence, however, I did get a good grade in LAMDA, the drama school that Nigel Planer and Peter Richardson went to, I just did the exam though,I still love drama and I write poetry (like your character did) and my own comedy monologues while it took time to realise I lowkey wanted to be a comedian as well as an actor and artist,but I used to think I wasn’t capable enough, but I’ve written 7 monologues since last summer up to now and I’m quite proud of my progress.

My media course is going well too, I’ve often referenced you in some of my sources for projects like my Moving Image class and one time we had to pitch a film idea and poster, so I chose that Drop Dead Fred film, because it’s one of my favourite films of all time and I felt like the only reason it didn’t get the proper praise it deserved at the time was due to bad marketing.

Outside of that, times have been less than stellar, a bloke last October manipulated me, I just wanted to be friends with him, but he ended up being very mentally abusive,I have Autism so sometimes I hyper fixate *gush* about my interests too intensely,and sometimes I overshare and make weird pop culture references only a few people get,it’s ok at times but other times it can weird people out and it makes me seem annoying to others when I don’t intend to be.

That and my childhood was quite lonely, and often I get traumatic flashbacks from old and modern incidents, and some of the flashbacks are made up and create “intrusive thoughts in my mind, I hate that, I haven’t had my other issues diagnosed, because I’m too busy to find therapy, my country has a backwards mental health system, and some people in my life don’t completely understand the issues I go through.

You and other icons in my life, help encourage me to keep going through the tough times and I’ve been able to help others going through similar problems too, I am so thankful for my friends and I’m so thankful for your presence in my life.

Barbara is a very lucky woman and so was Lise when you were with her and your work has heavily inspired my own.

I feel like whenever I’m acting or when I watch you acting, I see a spiritual philosophical wall beside us, I’ve read and watched all your interviews, most of your tv and filmography and your book is fantastic.

I feel like our personalities are similar, we are both kind, but cynical, we have our cold  moments and times when we just want to be cuddly teddy bears, we love audiences but we’re also shy and sometimes timid,I can’t list all the traits here basically I can go from entranced and hyper-fixated to Pessimistic and Quiet and Timid to Mellow and Loud to dazed, relaxed and happy. Quite a mix of traits, in the past I was an ignorant coward, now though I’ve learned from that and I’ve grown a lot as a person literally and figuratively.

I have taken your mantras to heart, after I got kicked out of my old performing arts course I reenacted your Theatre monologue and posted it on the internet, It got lots of positive feedback not too long after that I continued the poetry,eventually the monologues and in between I got my first job as an assistant stage manager on a local theatre production of West Side Story.

I have a lot in common with both you and your characters,well mainly the positive traits, the negative traits I try to work on, even through our appearances, people have said I look like you, that has helped me accept myself, my identity and my own appearance, I’m far from a portrait but if I’m compared to you then I’m also very gorgeous,I also sort of scrapped through my GCSE’s, technically some of them were BTEC’s, they’re like extension course things, but then some of them I was average at anyway and the performing arts course didn’t let me show my full potential while there I mainly did villain and minor character roles. I shouldn’t be defined by a piece of paper, I should be defined by who I am, a wonderful, creative, smart, kind and beautiful person...like you.

Some of the “poems” I’ve made were tributes to you, and how while yes you had your flaws too, you to me are the perfect person, never before have I been so inspired or so connected to someone who wasn’t a Japanese cartoon (apologies, if that sounds odd, while I liked celebrities not many of them were relatable to me)

I even sometimes dream about you, I dream about being apart of the comic strip, I dream about performing alongside you, I dream about simply hanging out with you, going to pubs, Bowie concerts and that Groucho club you were banned from.

While there were some moments in my life, that I can’t remove or were learning curves for me, to have been around at the time, would’ve been interesting, yeah there’s the political rubbish but that hasn’t changed in the 2010s either, we still have Thatcher but her name is Teresa now, and a talking orange called Donald Trump is ruling America but he’s also literally just a white blonde Hitler.

I understand there are time rifts and time zone differences in the universes around us, but I do really wish I could’ve met you in person, sometimes the lucid dreams give a similar experience except you in those is like an animated hologram,I often try to “spiritually communicate” with you,sometimes it works other times I just end up talking to an imaginary clone of you,I can tell because they look like how you did in the 90s, and not the chill grey-haired grandpa you are now, sometimes I see your real self in those dreams, other times I only hear your voice.

I want to carry on the legacy, I don’t just want to spread my own ideas while teaching the world about your masterpieces, I want to spread the love, I want to remind the world to laugh at misery,I want to bring more light into where you left off,you aren’t dead,your just not physically with the world anymore, your mind, spirit and memory are still alive, in most people,your memory lives on

People still talk about you, I think about you, while the tories are still twats, the young revolution of the new generation is getting more attention.

I’m going to be one of the youths leading it, I’ll never lose my wisdom and you’ll always have a presence in my life and the world.

 as long as I, your kids and all your fans try to retain your memory, you’ll never “die”.

After all, you're the Rik Mayall, are you going to let God prevent you from occasionally visiting earth, visiting your family and friends? Of course not, I’m sure they miss you very much, and I’m sure Ade is sorry about that drama he caused about the Bottom spin-off.

Making the universe more bright and colourful

Lots of love as a fellow fan, performer and admirer but also as someone who sees you as a philosophical figure

xoxo

Kelsey

a.ka

That twit on earth from Northern Ireland who will never stop thinking about you

You utter pan-global phenomenon

I could only be talking about the one, the only, the Doctor Rik Mayall~

[shades-of-the-fallen-blog]

Trinidad And Tobago

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