#my child self didnt deserve any of what she through and endured

[n0wh3re-g1rl]

i do mourn the completely hypothetical life i couldve lived had i had parents who loved me and a decent stable (stimulating) environment , i think about the person i couldve been if i just had those things as a child and i feel bad. i feel sorry for the child i used to be. not because of the position or disposition of my current self is terrible but because my child self deserves to have things as basic as those

[wullu]

First few episodes in, I had a feeling that Flower of Evil could become a part of my 'fave dramas of all time' list but I didnt want to raise my hopes cause you can never fucking tell when a drama decides to turn on you and let you down.   

Anyway, no worries here cause Ep 16 just cemented FOE’s place on that list. 

I will be honest, I came for the thriller and deception aspects of this drama. But I ended up staying for the romance. As the drama went on, some of the logical aspects of the plot confused me but the emotional satisfaction I got from the romance made up for everything. I swear to god, it really did.

Some thinky thoughts under the cut for why it pinged all the right buttons for me. Strap yourselves in. It’s a long and passionate and somewhat confused essay about why I loved Flower of Evil and why I rated it 10/10

Ep 16 was polarising for a lot of people and I understand why. In some ways, it upended all the previous episodes.

The amnesiac reset was not easy to watch, especially since it put Ji Won in even more agony than before. How much did she need to suffer before the fruits of her love were realized? Howevuh, the way I saw it, the amnesia reset established a few things that I believed the drama has stayed true to, all the way from the start to the finish.

Here is the thing, names carry so much baggage. When children are named after a much beloved and deceased relative, it can be one of two things. One, it is a way to honour an important part of your life but also allow the child to be a fully realized person. The second,  the name becomes a prison when it is given to you without any choice in the matter and where you are not allowed to be you.           

For Hyun Soo, the name Baek Hee Seong has all these memories and emotions attached to it and while his feelings were not any less real, they are tainted by the foundation they began on. The foundation being a deception.

For Ji Won, his name really doesn't matter. Because at the end, she doesnt view him as Baek Hee Seong or Do Hyun Soo. For Ji Won, he is her chagiya, her person, her husband. And for Eun Ha also, it doesn't matter if her father is Baek Hee Seong or Do Hyun Soo. He’s her father first and foremost and her most favourite person in the whole world. 

Both Ji Won and Eun Ha accept him for the person he is and the role he plays in their lives. 

But for Hyun Soo, Baek Hee Seong will always be the constant reminder of the very thing that ripped apart the fabric of his family life. That’s not the kind of baggage you want to bring to your relationship. Ji Won remembers so many of the good times they had together .But for Hyun Soo, those moments didn’t feel like his because they weren’t attached to his name. It is Hyun Soo more than anyone else that needs the distinction between the two names. Baek Hee Seong was his life for 15 years and it is also the most horrible reminder of how he hurt Ji Won (a person he loves more than anything else in the world) and Eun Ha by having them become a part of his deception. And he also knows first hand what it means to live with an axe over your head, always ready to drop.

15 years ago, Baek Hee Seong was a chance at a better life, a way to escape the shackles of his father. But over time, the thing he thought would set him free dragged not just him down, but also Ji Won and Eun Ha. More than a physical thing, I consider the amnesia plot point to be a thematic reset. Do Hyun Soo links him to his father, but at the same time, it also links him to his sister (one of the good things in his life). 

In ep 13/14, he asks Ji Won why must he suffer all of this? Why must he experience all this pain? 

And if you further follow this line of thought, you can see why he’s so angry.    

Why must he adopt another persona to adapt to the world? Why wont the world adapt to him being Do Hyun Soo instead? These are very valid questions. Our society is very big on ‘being yourself’, but at the same time, society contradicts itself by also saying you can only be you and acceptable by conforming to a very limited sphere of uniqueness. Hyun Soo knows the fallout of this firsthand.

Ji Won has given him all of her from the start. But he has only given her Baek Hee Seong. By going back to being Do Hyun Soo, he reclaims all the emotions he felt in the preceding 15 years and attaches them to his real self. People said that he was just like his father and a psychopath. But he gets to prove everyone wrong. 

He’s capable of love, he’s capable of empathy and emotion and he’s also capable of being loved. He achieves all these things in spite of the legacy of his father’s name and his own name. He is loved just as he is. 

Just as Ji Won submitted to the mortifying ordeal of being known, so is Hyun Soo now. He wants to show Ji Won all the original parts of him and love her as Do Hyun Soo   And isn’t that the realest indication of a loving relationship? Someone knowing you for being you and still loving you. 

And as for Ji Won, time and time again she has made it clear that her happiness lies in Hyun Soo’s happiness. If he isn't happy, she cannot be happy. Does it make her seem sacrificial? Yes. Did she have a choice in it? Also yes. And she made her choice. No one else made it for her. She’s given so much of herself to this relationship, but I don't think there is any other way she would have it. In that way, Ji Won has a very singular sense of perspective. It’s the exact kind of tunnel vision, which when you encounter it in real life, feels extremely annoying and unhealthy, and while in a drama, it is also unhealthy, on the flip side, it’s also grand and tragic and heartfelt. 

Because she loved him so deeply and truly, in return Hyun Soo tried to do for her all the things that made her happy. And in many ways, it is the same reaction a child has to unstable parental figure. They do the things that they think will make the person happy. Except here, Ji Won has been one of the most stable presences in his life. Ji Won loved him when he did all the little things for her. 

But she also continued to love him even when the exterior began to chip away and the relationship started to destruct. And that is Hyun Soo’s lesson for learning that he doesn't have to be anything other than himself to be loved by Ji Won. She may trip up on his name and call him Hee Seong from time to time, but she loves him for being her chagiya. 

Strip away all the extraneous details of this drama and you will see that at the heart of it, this was always going to be a love story that was much larger than the two individuals in it. 

Ji Won begins pulling away only in the end because while she wants him to be happy, it finally becomes too much to bear. It’s not that she cannot stand seeing him happy. And it is not that she does not love him or is angry with him. It’s the sickening knowledge that perhaps, all her love wasn’t enough and that the damage that others have wrought was too lasting and could not be fixed.

The amnesia reset was a chance for a do-over, and it is not often that you  get one. The first time, Hyun Soo came to her as Baek Hee Seong and that too by sheer coincidence and lettuce be clear, Ji Won’s enduring perseverance as well. The second time, he came to her through intention and intuition, and as Do Hyun Soo. And this is the one that counts. He does not remember creating a life with her but he remembers the way she made him feel. The amnesia reset made him go back but it didn’t change the core of who he was. 

So what do we see in the final scene? That in fact, more than anything else, it is Ji Won’s love and the prospect of losing it that sent Hyun Soo off the rails and at the same time, it's her love and the the safety and comfort of her presence that brought him back. And it was the same for Ji Won as well. His potential loss of his love sent her crashing but at the same time, his love also grounded her and raised her up if you will. 

The evidence of her love was in all the emotions his body remembered. And the evidence of his love was in the way he came back to her and in the way despite all his statements to the contrary, the most emotion he showed was when they both broke down together in the car.  

So, Ji Won needed to see that her love was always enough and Hyun Soo had to realize that he was worthy of it and that he deserved it and that he loved her as well. That the past 15 years weren't some ridiculous fluke. 

He didn't have to be Baek Hee Seong to be loved or love Ji Won. He just had to be who he always was, Do Hyun Soo. 

[staysterling]

Living in My Head,

Within 2 months I’ve managed to upheaval my life completely, and in my mind all I’m thinking is, “good job Lauren, you fucked up again.” And to everyone else, I feel like they don’t seem to care or notice, or simply, “that’s just Lauren, it’s what she does.” I quit my job, I just stopped showing up. I ruined relationships before they started because I didn’t think I was good enough that they were going to see the bad parts of me and abandon me anyway, and when they did distance themselves from me I then had to live with the guilt and shame that it was my fault to begin with.

I didn’t care that I left my job, I didnt care if I didn’t have any money to eat or pay my bills. I just wanted to be numb and fade out of my life because I wasn’t able to cope with what was happening in it.

I’ve been drunk and on drugs and up for the majority of the last 2 months- sleeping and eating maybe 1 out of every 5 days.

Little things have been hard for me. I dont want to leave my apartment, I find it impossible to do my laundry, clean my apartment, even shower.

I tell myself I need to apply to new jobs and to suck it up and go to interviews but find it impossible to move. I feel like the new job will just remind me of how miserable I am.

I can’t afford therapy, I don’t think that it’ll actually help me or I’ll ask for the help but be denied because I have no money.

I’ve thought about suicide more times in the last few months than I have in any other short period of time. But because that feeling passes I don’t think anyone actually acknowledges the severity. Mostly because it’s just, “Lauren being dramatic, she’s just looking for attention.” It gets to the point where people will reach out asking if I’m okay and my only response is “I’m fine” because they don’t actually care they just want to feel like they did something, but no one really has the time or energy and burdening someone or taking the time to explain my thoughts only for me to not receive a response is even more painful than saying anything at all.

Besides I’d really rather not get any more pity or sympathy as if I’m broken.

It’s hard growing up not having an effective support system. That the only support I do have is a family that made me feel unsafe and invalid to begin with. That my worth is based on my achievements and I’m only good enough when I’ve done something worthy to brag about or whether or not I make enough money.

How do I accept help from the people that made me begin to hate myself in the first place? Who made me feel like I didn’t really exist? That it was easier to avoid the clear trauma and discomfort I was feeling just because they didn’t know how to handle it? To shame me and embarrass me and punish me whenever they felt I was disrespecting their image?

And of course I should be able to be an adult and grow out of these feelings but they’re a part of me. Some days are easier than others but most of the time I relive these feelings in every situation. I look for them to protect myself which inevitably makes me imagine them just to save myself from any more discomfort. Leaving me to always feel alone, not good enough, and lost.

I so desperately want someone to love me, to see the good parts of me even when the bad parts are overtly present. To recognize I don’t like the aggressive part of me, in reality I’m just scared and sad and don’t want to be alone. That I’m worth something because I’m of value and that I’m not seen as value or something to be shown off.

I’m extremely passionate about life and I whole heartily would give mine just for someone else to experience joy. I’d take someone’s suffering and experience it myself if I could, only if it allowed them to feel better. I know I project and I’m overwhelming and confusing a lot of them time. I wish I knew how to communicate properly and I had the patience to give relationships time to build and grow.

I find myself unable to say goodbye to past me because I’ve been her for so long and losing my protector terrifies me. She’s been through so much and has endured so much pain that I feel like I wouldn’t be doing her justice by abandoning her. Just like everyone has abandoned me.

I really don’t know who I am or what I like or what makes me happy. I don’t know what I want from life or the future or anything to do with my own existence. I’ve never thought about it and because I’ve self medicated for so long and lived in a nonchalant state of mind it’s really hard to become present with that and to accept that.

It’s really fucking hard to be a child at almost 27 years old and ask myself what I like. To be vulnerable and honest enough to ask myself even the tiniest questions:

What hobbies do I like?

What’s my favorite food?

What makes me happy?

Tell me a happy memory?

Having to do this all while having to shower, do laundry, clean, feed myself, go to bed, AND communicate with people while having to remind myself they’re not out to get me?

Yeah, it’s a lot.

I’ve done a lot of reckless things and made a lot of self depreciating decisions in order to mask my pain. I watched myself abuse myself or put myself in abusive situations and environments because most of the time I felt like I deserved them, that they would numb me out, or that one of them would be the last time I felt anything at all and I wouldn’t wake up.

Unfortunately, I always woke up. Each time I woke up I hated myself more. I was too much of a coward to kill myself but overly annoyed that the alcohol wouldn’t poison me, the drugs wouldn’t stop my heart, or some sti wouldn’t take my life or at least make my life shorter.

To the people that don’t understand or don’t live or think this way. Good for you, but don’t think that my trauma isn’t real and please don’t act like you understand because I don’t usually understand any thing that is happening. Whether that be to me, around me, or me just being me.

[viralhottopics]

Self-care during pregnancy is about much more than midnight munchies.

I jolted awake, in a cold sweat and gasping for air.

I was midway through my much-wanted, much-anticipated pregnancy with our second child, and in retrospect, I can say with some certainty that I was experiencing antenatal depression (depression during pregnancy). Little did I know, depression during pregnancy is actually pretty common up to a quarter of women may experience it. But at the time, I felt hopeless. I knew I wanted this baby, but the depression led me to fear that the pregnancy was a mistake. To wake from a dream about this baby not making it into the world, just to dream it, left me feeling certain that I didnt deserve to be a mom.

Depression can rear its head for any number of reasons, and I dont know that I could have prevented it, but I do know that I wasnt taking good care of myself.

Mercifully, during the pregnancy, my hormones shifted again and the darkness passed. (Though my depression passed, it doesn’t always, so contacting a health care professional can be essential.) And not long after, my little girl was born, and all those feelings of fear and hopelessness felt so distant that they didnt seem real. I was so glad to have her. I felt so fortunate that she was mine.

Now, finding myself at the beginning of a third pregnancy, I’m excited but also a little nervous that prenatal depression could creep back in down the road.

I didn’t experience depression during my first pregnancy, and I don’t know what my third will hold. But during this pregnancy, Im determined to make self-care a priority. Because my emotional health matters.

Not only to me and my husband, but also to my children and most definitely to the little one growing inside me. What Im enduring matters.

My self-care will include more “me time,” more social activities, more days vegging out (at-home spa hour with body yogurt, anyone?), and more time talking to my doctor about what Im going through.

What everyone needs is different, and there are many places to start from easy things like taking a walk around the block to ones that take more of a commitment, like learning how to say no (check out this list over at the HEALTHY ESSENTIALS Program). Im starting with daily meditation, deep breathing when Im feeling overwhelmed, and a determination to have more girl time with my friends.

It wasnt an easy lesson to learn, but now I know that sometimes its more than just “crazy pregnancy hormones.” Sometimes my feelings are telling me something important. Im finally ready to listen.

We dont talk much about depression during pregnancy isnt it supposed to be a time of bonding and nesting and anticipation after all?

But according to the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, experiencing depression during that time isnt exactly rare. Between 14% and 23% of women are reported to face some depression symptoms during pregnancy but I have to wonder if those numbers would be higher if we werent so squeamish about the topic.

Your feelings are a big deal, but treating depression doesn’t have to be. There are lots of approaches available for depression or anxiety that are safe for you and baby. And you shouldn’t feel like you have to do it alone doctors and therapists are there to help.

I’m a busy working mom, and we are in the middle of trying to sell our house. I know how hard it can be for us moms to find time for ourselves.

And when I leave the kids with my husband to have lunch with a friend, part of me feels guilty to even take a couple of hours for myself. But I know that by prioritizing self-care, I am investing in the well-being of my entire family. None of us likes the distracted and impatient mom I am when Im burned out and overwhelmed, so I take some time for myself to make my time with my family so much better.

Read more: http://u.pw/2oUr4CC

from Self-care during pregnancy is about much more than midnight munchies.