#my catholic guilt hardcore relates to everything about simon

[clearnachopirate]

not to turn my page into dead boy detectives brain rot but

imagine youre simon (Edwin's classmate who he saw in hell). no, seriously,

so youre simon, a 16 y/o boy in 1916. presumably youre religious, and even in the extremely rare case youre not, queerness as a whole is still considered an illness and treated with genuine torture or death.

you are queer. and you think someone else might be as well. a well spoken though awkward classmate by the name of Edwin, who occasionally wears a lovely cap you think he looks swell in. so one day, you take the cap, hoping it will finally get him to talk to you. it doesnt work how you want it. and he avoids you. doesnt return your feelings. your feelings that are inherently wrong in the first place.

when you hear the other lads going on abt a prank for Edwin, you think seeing him scared of nothing might just help you get over him, so you comply.

except thats not what happens.

the boy who you love (or at least really like) is dead. you are dead. and you are in hell. exactly where everyone has said people like you go. and its what you deserve

you listen to the headmaster, because if you had listened to the people in your life and ignored your feelings, you might not be here. you wouldnt have gone along with such a stupid plan. you wouldnt have killed him.

and sometimes he visits, Edwin does, and he says all the things you already know, but it hurts so much more coming out of the mouth you had shamefully wanted to kiss.

so when he comes in again, its nothing new.

Edwin doesnt yell, and he doesnt reach to hurt you. Edwin says you dont deserve this pain, that you can leave, that he had left, and he was on his way out again. That he wants you to come with. That neither of you deserved what you had been given.

its only after he leaves that you turn back to your book that you realize its gone. along with it that shame you have felt for nearly your entire life, because Edwin had been like you. and he was free, there was something better out there for him.

there might just be something better out there for you too.