#my brother in christ is physically emotionally mentally and spiritually exhausted

[foremyth]

the way i need him to Rest.

[bananahappyness]

Disappointment

I haven’t written here for a while. I just checked and it looks like my last post was about half a year ago. Recently, I’ve been thinking on the theme of disappointment. With this theme of disappointment, perhaps I can offer a bit of a life update.

2017 was a busy, tiring, stressful, and often lonely year.

(i) Finishing My First-Year of Law School (January - April, 2017)

I finished my first-year of law school in April. Exams were stressful, but they went well. I was feeling incredibly exhausted by the end of them though. I moved out of my apartment in Saskatoon.

(ii) My First Law Job (May - August 2017)

When I moved back to Vancouver, my parents had just sold my childhood home, and I came back to organize, pack, and move all my things at that home. After a major, pretty rushed, tiring, and stressful move, I slept on the living room floor of my brother’s apartment for a week, while I started my first week of summer articles at a law firm in Abbotsford. I later moved into my family’s new home. 

My summer articles were demanding and challenging. The learning curve was steep. I grew a lot professionally. I’m really thankful for the exposure I got to private practice. My firm was great and I really learned so much.  

The hours were long though. I typically worked 9-10 hour days in the office, and had a 2-hour commute both ways. This meant work typically took up 11-12 hours of my day. After working out at the gym, eating dinner at 8:30pm, and making lunch, it would be 10PM, and I would be exhausted -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

A highlight of my summer was making a 5-day trip to Beijing for my friends’ wedding. It was crazy rushed. Haha. But super fun. I left on Friday morning from Vancouver. Stayed in BJ for 2 days for the wedding. Took a train down to BD, stayed there 1 night. And then took a train to YC and stayed there 1 night, before I went back to BJ for my flight. I got back on Monday afternoon. And then went back to work on Tuesday morning. 

Besides my whirlwind trip to Asia, the rest of my summer was marked mostly by my busy work life.  

(iii) Trauma (August 2017)

In the last weeks of my summer, something traumatic and extremely disappointing happened in my family. The incident triggered some serious trauma that had occurred in my life as a child.  

I entered into a dark place, feeling a mess of anger, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, sadness, and doubt. 

Though it was one of the most emotionally challenging times of my life, I see God’s grace in it. I don’t say this to diminish the weight of what happened, but to recognize, that sometimes, we wonder, “Why? Why God are you allowing this to happen in my life?” In many situations of life, there really is no immediate answer to that question. But oddly, in this situation, there was. I know that it was in God’s mercy that He wanted to intervene where someone was perpetrating hurt and abuse. It needed to stop. God’s manner of intervention resulted in a sort of chaotic blow-up. But once that was over, it meant there was the opportunity to repent, forgive, and begin a journey of healing and forgiveness. 

All while this was happening, I continued to go to work and press on as if my personal and family life wasn’t falling apart. I remember sitting outside the provincial courthouse steps in Vancouver for lunch once. I sat there, soaking in the sun, allowing its warmth to thaw my bones chilled from the extreme AC of my office. I sat there, allowing the warmth of the sun shine on my face, reminding me that there was still goodness and hope in my life. 

And indeed, there was goodness and hope in my life. I experienced the love and support of dear friends and mentors in my life. My best friend, who had been living in London for the past year, just happened to be in-town when all of this was happening. I cried with her. 

One of my mentors met with me a few nights in a row, late in the evening at the Starbucks near her house, after she had put her young kids into bed. Her wisdom and care for me was healing.

My pastor at church listened with no judgement, absolute acceptance and love, and hugged me. 

I’m so thankful for the community God has put around me. The certainty and confidence I have in them that they will “be there for me” -- in empathy, in solidarity, in genuine care and love, is indescribable. It is the greatest gift I have, besides my relationship with God himself. 

Needless to say, my summer ended on a real low note. 

And, as if a common theme in my life, I rushed from one thing to the next. I finished my last day of work on the last Friday afternoon of August, and then I took a flight that evening to LA. After a quick vacation in LA, I came back to Vancouver for half a day, before flying out to Saskatoon the next morning.

(iv) Running Away (September - December 2017)

After I got back to Saskatoon, I took all my stuff out of storage and moved into a new place. 

I started seeing a counsellor to work out some of the stuff that had happened over the summer and in my childhood.

School felt more demanding than ever before. I threw myself at school. I studied all the time. It was not often when I didn’t feel busy, stressed, and/or tired. 

When my exams were over... I didn’t know what to do with myself. I went back to Vancouver for Christmas. I met with my pastor. He encouraged me a ton. I started reading a book called “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality”. I went on a 3-day silent retreat.

It was during the retreat that I had time to finally slow down and reflect. It was then that I was able to come to terms with the fact that I had had an incredibly tiring, and disappointing year. I felt far away from God. 

(v) When you don’t get what you deserve (January 2018)

When the new year began, I was determined to re-align my life to be in rhythm with the manner that I knew God wanted me to live. I began going to bed around 9/10pm and waking up at 6am. I took time in the quiet of the morning to spend time with God -- to meditate on His promises before the day went into full swing. I slowed down. I started practicing a 24-hour sabbath again.

It felt great. I was re-discovering the joy of being in God’s presence.

A couple weeks into January, my grades from term 1 came out. To my great shock, a number of my grades were pretty poor. I was in literal shock. I thought something had gone wrong. Maybe they had mixed up my exams? I was an above-average student, how is it possible that I got the grades that I did? 

I worked hard through out the semester. I engaged with the material. I knew and understood it. It was clear to me that these marks did not at all reflect the type of student I was, nor the degree to which I grasped the course material. 

I was annoyed that these poor grades upset me as much as they did, but I couldn’t ignore the anger, shock, and disappointment I felt.   

Then it occurred to me, “you don’t always get what you deserve and that’s a good thing”. The Gospel is about getting what you don’t deserve. We didn’t work to get God’s love. We didn’t do anything to receive his forgiveness. Indeed, there is nothing we can do. At the same time, Christ did not get what he deserved at the cross. He was crucified in the most painful and shameful manner. He bore the sins he never committed. He was forsaken by the Father. He didn’t deserve that. Yet he received it with gladness.

Could I receive this bad grades with gladness? Could I be thankful, notwithstanding these grades? Did I have reason to work hard and persevere in my studies, even if I didn’t get good grades? What were my motivations for my education and career, anyways?

Isaiah 55:8-13:

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,    neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. 9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,    so are my ways higher than your ways    and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow    come down from heaven, and do not return to it    without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:    It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 12 You will go out in joy    and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills    will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field    will clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord’s renown,    for an everlasting sign,    that will endure forever.”