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pluviophile-bookworm · 3 years ago

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Understanding and acceptance: a short story consisting of things that actually happened

[A/N: I was on the phone with my mum and she told me that I seem to be in a creative mood and that I should write something. I decided to kill two birds with one stone and share a personal story while also writing it as if it’s fiction. So here goes.]

Word count: 2K

-- 2 weeks ago --

It’s a quiet Saturday evening. My brother Max and I are walking home together, deep in conversation. I have no memory of what the conversation had been about when it started, but I do remember that it somehow got to this:

‘...all this assuming you’re straight, of course, and I’m not assuming anything--’

‘What does being straight mean?’ Max says in a tone that tells me he genuinely doesn’t know. So I feel obligated to explain it in the simplest terms possible. ‘Well, in your case it would mean that you, a boy, like girls.’

‘Well, that’s the normal thing for any person!’ He nearly cuts me off with this. I calculate my next step carefully.

‘Not every person,’ I say, keeping my voice as calm as possible. ‘I’m not straight.’ Of course, he knows that. I came out to my whole family at once three years ago, hoping for the awkward discussions to be over with that. It hasn’t worked out quite as I envisioned it yet.

‘Yeah, but you’re not normal either,’ Max parries. Can’t argue with that. Lucky for me, that is when we reach the front door and each one goes off to mind their own business.

I know very well just how ‘not normal’ I am. Not in that cliche ‘I’m not like other girls’ way, but in a way that causes Bulgarians undereducated on mental health and identity labels (which is unfortunately most people over 30) to brand a person clinically insane, unstable, a threat to the Traditional Bulgarian Family™. Being aroace and having severe social anxiety and ADHD to top it off, I hardly classify as ‘normal’. This is a frequent cause for arguments at the dinner table at home, most of which end in a. tears and/ or a panic attack on my part, b. my father storming off and pretending to be asleep whenever someone goes to call him back to dinner, c. my brother gluing himself to his phone, leaving his plate half-untouched, d. my mother crying over ‘what kind of mother am I that I can’t even have my family together at the table once’, and usually e. all of the above.

For this scenario to play out, however, the whole family of four is required to be present. So fortunately it only happens every other weekend when Dad and I come back home from the capital, where we have been living for the better part of three years now, ever since he got promoted and I started uni. When I’m away from my loving but over-controlling mum and my brother, who seemed to become obnoxious overnight the moment he turned 13 a little over a year ago, I usually have significantly fewer reasons to cry or feel anxious about... you name it. So we do fine. For the most part.

-- this evening --

I am watching Joe and Frankie’s performance of A Whole New World for the thousandth time today when I get a text from Mum.

Mum: How’s my girl doing?

Mum: I haven’t been able to hear from you with all the fuss about your brother.

Max is at that point in his education where he’s applying for high schools. His exam results have just come in and now everyone in the family is stressing about whether his scores will be enough to get him into the school he wants to go to. It’s a big deal, but with all the Rodfini magic going on (and with how terribly behind I am on my internship assignment) I have just been completely unable to care.

Speaking of Rodfini and A Whole New World, I have been repressing the instinctive urge to send my mum the video all day, and when I get her texts, I almost nearly muster up the courage to do it. But between me and her, this is not something you do over text. So I give her a ring instead.

When she picks up, the sound of her voice combined with the anxiety over what I want to tell her makes me tear up and the words are stuck in my throat.

‘Erm-- Mum, can I tell you something?’ I say, still not sure if I’m not about to regret taking up the subject at all.

‘Dear, you know you can tell me anything,’ she says, sounding concerned at my obviously-trying-to-swallow-tears voice.

‘You mean it?’ I ask, listening to her tone to make sure. I wish I could read tones better. ‘Anything?’

‘Is something wrong, honey?’ Oh gods, she’s in a really benevolent mood. I grow more and more afraid of ruining that with my ‘obsession with gays’.

‘Erm, so I guess you should know Dad and I had the tiniest disagreement just now,’ I say, deciding last minute to start with something she might deem ‘more relevant to the family’s personal lives’. ‘You know, we were watching the Euros and then the match ended and we watched the news, and then Dad changed the channel so he could watch the next match. And I was like ‘whoa, what’s with the video quality’, and so dad was like ‘you really need go get your eyes checked out’; and I tried to explain that there was a very obvious difference in quality between the two channels, and he kept yelling at me that I was ruining my eyesight spending all day staring at a screen.’

‘Did he sound annoyed or just concerned?’ Mum asks me.

‘I know what you’re thinking. And I know full well that he’s my parent and he’s concerned about my health. But you should have heard his tone.’

‘So are you two in a fight now?’

‘No. Well, I don’t know.’ I really don’t. It’s hard to tell when one side of the argument refuses to talk about his feelings as if that will kill him. But I don’t tell Mum that. She’s been dealing with Dad since long before I was even planned, so she knows him better than I do. ‘The thing is, he called me back and said that, well, one of the channels was HD and the other was not, so there was indeed a difference, but he thought it was ‘unnatural’ that I was able to register it so immediately, and he kept insisting there was something wrong with my eyes. I should think that seeing something quickly would be a sign of good vision, not bad. Besides,’ I keep talking, nearly desperate to justify myself, ‘I did some research and sensitivity to light is a symptom of ADHD. So it’s nothing new, really.’

‘Oh, please, dear. You’re of a new generation, and ADHD is something of the older generation. Don’t be so quick to self-diagnose.’

I guess there’s some reason to what she says, or at least the last part of it, so I give up on pursuing the subject further. ‘Yeah, anyway,’ I say, ‘I just thought it was all a bit rich coming from the man who refuses to wear his prescription glasses. I haven’t got any prescription glasses, you know.’

I don’t want to come off too cheeky because I still want to try and talk to her about how happy Rodfini have made me today. A while ago, Mum would accuse me of only calling her to complain when I was unhappy, so I have since made it a point to call her when I am happy and tell her so. That’s why I’ve been itching to share this with her. And now the time has come.

‘You know, I’ve been crying in a completely different way today,’ I begin tentatively. ‘A good way, A really, really good way,’ I add quickly before she can get worried again.

‘Yeah? So what was it that made you so happy that you cried?’ Goodness, there’s no turning back now. I decide to proceed with caution.

‘Oh, well, it was this performance, you know. A really beautiful song. So I’ve been wanting to show it to you, but I was worried about how you’d react.’

‘And why would that be?’ she asks in the same kind tone that keeps making me anxious about potentially ruining everything.

‘Well, erm...’ I feel myself start to stutter. ‘See, it’s a love song, and it’s... ok, I’ll just say it. It’s sung by two guys. As in, a couple, you see.’ I keep feeling up the ground with my words, anxious to hear her reaction. It’s like when I’m opening an exam result -- I want to know, but I’m too scared to look. And so now, in my anxious despair to know what she thinks about it, I miss the beginning of her response. ‘And I know how you are about those things, so I...’ I genuinely don’t know what to say. I’ve done my thing again. I’ve kept talking so much that she hasn’t even been able to react audibly. So I trail off, determined to let her speak this time.

‘Ok, but... why do you get so affected by those things?’ Mum says, starting to sound suspiciously like she’s about to question my own orientation again. I feel the need to justify myself for the second time since the conversation has started.

‘Well, it’s just that... I really wish you would just see them, Mum. If you could just see how they look at each other, you’d see that there’s just love. So much love. And joy at being able to express themselves as they are.’

I’m speaking from the heart now. I am finally letting out how much I want her to give them a chance because she deserves to see and hear their magical performance. She must be sensing the anguished sincerity in my voice as I finally manage to stop crying and I smile through the tears, because she says, ‘Dear, are you... are you trying to tell me something there?’

I sigh. She’s asked me this question nearly every time I’ve started speaking ‘too’ passionately about anything LGBTQ+ Which isn’t an awful lot in her presence, but there have been several occasions. Once about Solangelo, at the beach. Once about NPH and his husband David and their children, at the dinner table, as I was trying to explain how same-sex couples can have kids; that one resulted in a seriously bad scene of the type I described earlier. Once about a participant in a reality show who identified as a gay man then, but has recently come out as a trans woman; whenever she’s been mentioned on television, I’ve fought to repress my inner urge to express my happiness for her and the representation she is for the Bulgarian LGBTQ+ community. I wonder even now if my parents have noticed my silence on the subject -- because they certainly do notice when I am not silent.

So now, when the time seems to have come for me to set things straight about my non-straight-ness (bad pun very much intended), I try my best to keep my voice from shaking. ‘I’m not trying to tell you anything I haven’t already told you, Mum. Really.’

‘Are you perhaps attracted to the same gender, dear?’ It seems so unbelievable that she’s said it, and even more that she’s worded like that, but she really has. I force myself to be calm and patient.

‘No, Mum. I’ve told you -- I am not attracted to any gender, be it male, female or anything else, really. You know that.’

‘Well, it sounded as if you--’

‘No, Mum. Really. But I do need you to understand that part of my identity is that I feel the need to support people with other identities different from straight. I’m happy for their successes. I'm concerned about their issues. They’re a sort of family to me. Do you understand that?’ I say, relieved to be speaking my truth at last. At the same time, I try to sound as reasonable and mature about the whole thing as possible. I don’t want to put her off, especially not now that I’m knee-deep in the subject already. I’ve gone too far to turn back now.

‘Yes, honey. Yes, I do. I just don’t want you to exert yourself emotionally, is all. Plus I’ve been so stressed out about your brother and all, you know...’

‘Yeah, I do know. And I know he’ll be fine. He’s a nice boy. I just wished he didn’t keep calling me ‘abnormal’ all the time...’

‘Oh, well, don’t listen to him. He’s been quite stressed out too. And he’s 14. It’s just how he is at this age.’

I’m not too sure about that. ‘Boys will be boys’. It’s ok for boys, then, to pour salt into their neurodivergent sisters’ wounds? I don’t think so. But I can’t fix every problem in one talk. Plus my mum sounds tired now.

So I just say, ‘I guess... Well, anyway, thank you so much, Mum. For hearing me out, and for supporting me, and for everything else. Please don’t worry so much.’

But I know she can’t not worry at all. I’ve got that from her.

‘If you’re sure you’re all ok now, dear...’

‘Yeah, mum, I am. Or I will be. You know, there’s this expression with English, ‘to run with something’. So I’ve been telling myself, I’ll at least try to walk with things. You know I’m not much of a runner anyway.’ I actually laugh, even though the pun is quite untranslatable into Bulgarian.

‘You know I’m proud of you, right?’

I know that has very little to do with the kind of pride I’ve been celebrating all month, but I say, ‘Of course I do. And you know what? I’m quite proud of myself, too.’ I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I mean it. I mean it wholeheartedly this time.

‘I’m nearly falling asleep, though, dear, so I say we call it a night?’

‘Good night, Mummy. And thanks.’

I hang up. Then I forward the video to her.

I’ve come so far, indeed. I reckon we both have.

#writing #personal #asexual #aromantic #lgbtq+#jnk #rodfini #frankie rodriguez #joe serafini #solangelo #hoo #neil patrick harris #family #family dynamics #found family #pride month #adhd #long post

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jess-the-vampire · 4 years ago

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Sky and the Forces of the Multiverse, Chapter 39

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A lot happened within the next few days.

Which was expected during a time like this, and in combination with everything that had just happened, but no day provided them a break, things seemed to always been happening now even if they weren't a direct attack. It put everyone on edge because who knew what they would be in for today at this point. No one held it past anything anymore.

Jackie for one, was gone, most likely sent out to search for luna, only after star confronted eclipsa on the matter.

She hadn't been seen for days, even when speaking to Kelly the Woolette mentioned Jackie had disclosed she was about to go on a mission for the queen and Kelly had to hold the fort with the rest of the knights. Sky didn't even see most of the squires in training anymore because she had little reason to visit them, but she could always hear them whispering about luna.

Maybe luna was kidnapped?

Maybe luna was a spy this whole time for an enemy of theirs? It'd explain why she was as skilled as she was.

Maybe she just plain died and the queen was covering it up?

Maybe nothing happened and jackie kicked her out or gave her to another knight to have as his or her squire?

Sky was quick to avoid all the rumors, and just avoid luna's fellow knights in general, she only was running into them so much because with jackie gone some of them were getting more unruly and more suspicious. Luna didn't really share much about her being a knight though it was plainly obvious she became a favorite of jackie's and a top knight quickly, seeing jackie's pupil disappear and jackie soon after was bound to cause issues.

And sky hoped jackie came back soon so the rumors died down before her mom got put on trial for a murder she didn't do.

Judas had been more tired then usual, sky first assuming it was due to stress but he mentioned to her he'd been having nightmares, which was never reassuring for his best friend.

Landon had been busy mostly to himself, but considering how he usually was judas had to assume he was mostly trying to get in contact with Bernard, though he didn't know for sure if it was normal friend stuff or landon was working up his courage to confess to him or not.

Meanwhile the Spiderbites had approved of eclipsa's charm after testing it, it was ready to be used on the queen before the charm wore off. Though it had annoyed angel just a little they took so much time testing it when he clearly just wanted them to focus on helping his mom as soon as possible before she was lost. There was no telling how time they would have left after all even if star set it back a little more.

Especially since his mom was getting a little weaker, he couldn't have expected star's temporary fix to last forever.

She was being tube fed and taken care of well but it was clear her body was still fighting itself and she barely moved.

His hope had been draining fast, even if people had been reassuring him they had a chance and it wasn't over yet.

He really just hoped the charm helped and they came up with the best way to fix this whole thing, as soon as possible.

Though he sat by her side as the charm was placed around her neck and the spiderbites sent him away promising they were almost finished with a solution to guarantee the removal of the parasite. This sent him to find sky, who was in the middle of talking to melaine, mostly to help her have a better understanding of mewni, but also to hear her updates on her theories and info.

It was her thing after all.

Though sky wasn't alone, judas, nora, sunny, galexia and celeste were with her, though they all mostly were doing different things.

Judas was mostly trying to get a hold of mason, who failed to pick up or speak to him the last few days, getting embarrassed and running off. Celeste was resting in the corner with her large rainmaker wand, forming little clouds to keep herself busy though she still seemed a little sad, nora was looking around at some of sky's things, mostly admiring her clothes and hats, and sunny and galexia were whispering among each other.

Angel's appearance was welcomed by all of them, it was so pleasant, entering a room and everyone being happy to see him. Though maybe they were laughing at how judas's clothes were kinda a little big for angel despite how nice he looked in them. Either way at least they were smiling instead of scowling and that was something he'd never get used to honestly.

And Angel took his seat next to judas and sky.

Sky was busy but judas was not as he put down his compact and rubbed at his face, "Mason isn't getting in contact with me...i've tried to speak to him but he ignores me, and there's no sign of the truth potion.". He was left with the impression mason didn't get the potion and was too embarrassed to admit this to him after telling him he could be responsible and do it.

Mason didn't normally ignore anyone, he liked seeing his brothers, having him try and avoid judas like the plague was a bad sign. He was rather social most of the time and he loved spending time with his family, if angel was avoiding people he loved he must've had a serious reason for it. Though for what reason wouldn't be clear without his presense.

Clearly distressed, Angel reached out to comfort the boy with a pat on the shoulder, an awkward one. It didn't seem to entirely make judas feel better but it did get a laugh from him out of seeing the other prince awkwardly try to be more affectionate. Angel kinda still had some stuff to learn with proper social interaction and how to talk with friends but he was getting better.

Though with his own lack of siblings, it was probably harder to give judas any good advice on what to say or do, being siblings probably added an extra layer to any conflict or non-conflict they had with each other.

In fact the only one in this room who had siblings from their own dimension, was Sunny.

And Sunny seemed to have a better relationship with her own brother back home then judas seemed to with his own siblings.

Though as Sky focused on whatever mel was going on about angel tried to give him the best advice he could, "Um well...maybe focus on something else and let him figure it out?". Angel might not know if that was the best thing for judas to do but judas actually seemed to agree with him, the demon prince was nodding and angel removed his hand from his shoulder.

"I just hope everything's ok.".

"With your brother? Well...your younger brother i'm sure will come back soon and explain himself...I mean...he's...not really shy or anything, he probably has reasons...", well, it was about as good as anything angel could give to help judas out. Though that clearly wasn't the only thing on judas's mind, he turned to look at angel and then to his cursed arm.

"It...seemed to act up...last night...I had nightmares...I had a hard time sleeping and it's skyrocketing my anxiety.".

Oh...

"Are you...in any pain?", he didn't want to ask but he had to, it was almost in his nature at this point.

He received a sigh, and thankfully judas shook his head no on that, "No pain...but a lot of panic...I've been having nightmares more often recently...I was just trying to rest and relax and enjoy the good news but i'm starting to freak out and I'm not sure it's helping...nora offered to give me something to help me sleep better but I should be alert in case...y'know...Her shows up.".

Nightmares? Every night? One nightmare was bad enough but having multiple every night?

"Does sky-?".

"Yeah, no duh I know angel, best friend here...he called me in the middle of the night after it happened.", Sky closed her compact, showing she and mel finished speaking, "Judas maybe you should take nora's offer, you need to relax and rest and I think all of this is just making it worse...maybe you could start by taking a nap here if you want to?".

She motioned to her messy room and bed, which wasn't the most unpleasant place for the demon to take a rest even if it was rather messy due to it's owner.

"Maybe you're right...but...what If i have another nightmare?", sky was quickly to lean past angel and push Judas onto the surface, "Then we'll see when we get to it, but you should rest...ok?". Judas grumbled but didn't protest much further, lying down, "Ok...i'll give it a shot...just...if anything happens...". Sky seemed to know and she patted his back as he tried to lie down on the bed and close his eyes.

And sky threw a blanket over her friend before leading angel away from the bed to give judas some space, judas was going to need some peace and quiet if he was going to get any sleep back.

And having them surrounding him would do nothing good for his nightmares for sure.

"Judas has put me in charge angel so...if you got anything, let me know...judas needs rest...he's so used to being the leader and taking care of everyone and being well...judas...he really needs a break. So you, me, sunny and galexia are going to go talk to mason and sort this whole mission out for him and Celeste and nora can watch him while we're out and alert us.".

"We're going to speak to his brother?".

"Yep, getting our potion back just in case...I mean the thing ain't always helpful but we might as well get it back. If i hadn't gotten myself worked up we wouldn't have lost it in the first place so i should get it back if i can...if mason doesn't have it already.". Sunny and lexi were already heading over to them, "So yeah, you know sunny, i don't think you know lexi super well.".

Galexia waved, and angel waved back slowly.

This girl was TALL.

Well, so was judas, judas was taller then her, but still.

Galexia must've been a little bit able to tell angel was intimidated by her size so she followed it up with a big smile and a big hug, welcoming angel to working on their team but also crushing him a little. Sky was already letting nora and celeste know where they'd be before they all left sky's room. The door shutting behind them as the four roamed the halls.

"So um...anything from your human friend?".

"Huh? You mean mel?"

"Well yes...you were talking when I arrived right?".

"Right right...well...i dunno she went off how maybe luna is responsible and maybe my mom is and like...it's just not a lot of really good ones right now, i don't think any of them are probably real...yet...". She seemed embarrassed, maybe asking a conspiracy theorist really wasn't the best person to help her figure out this incredibly serious issue.

Judas didn't like mel doing this stuff and he warned sky on multiple occasions since they met.

But it was less she thought mel was embarrassing and more she felt embarrassed for screwing up on her skills as a leader and not getting the best results. Granted, she should not have expected mel to just solve all her issues at the drop of a hat anyway, mel was mostly doing the best she can, even if her best was yet to give sky the answers she wanted.

"Oh...uh...sorry?".

"No need to say sorry...it's just kinda how things are going...they take time..." she still seemed to be a bit upset though, she probably hadn't expected being leader to go as super easy but judas clearly made way more progress in charge then her so far, they had plans but what they needed were full on results. If they knew what this person wanted they could trap them...but even if they found luna...she probably wouldn't know.".

They'd need something inciting, something they would want.

But what?

"Sky?", sunny tugged on her arm, "What's our plan for mason? Do we just talk to him? What if he doesn't wasn't to say anything to us?". Mason and Sunny were friends and did get along but she was right to be worried, if the boy was avoiding his own brother and even sunny herself during their dinners then talking to him probably wouldn't do a lot.

In fact, they didn't even know where he'd be.

"Well...we'll ask around and I guess we'll figure it out as we go?".

It was honestly the best advice she could give under the circumstances.

But as they teleported back to the underworld to get started on their search, they were greeted almost instantly by the former king of the underworld himself, Dave Lucitor. The man was surprised as one would if you popped out in front of them like that, but he quickly composed himself, probably used to something like this happening down here when demons regularly did that.

"Kids! Hey there! Hello sunny!", he smiled at the small girl as sky got to the point on why there were here.

"Where's mason?", that was a pretty sudden thing to be asked after being spooked at the man's appearance but they had o get right to the point if they wanted to get anywhere today. Thankfully they were in the presence of someone who might be able to give them some answers, instead of being froced to check the palace from top to bottom for the prince.

The former king, impressed with her boldness, crossed his arms and leaned his head, "Mason? Well he's been trying to help me out a lot for the last few days, so right now he's in my office, i was just going out to get us some snacks. What about it? He's not in trouble is he?". They were quick to tell him something, they really didn't need the guy with ears everywhere getting suspicious right now.

"No no...we just need to talk to him, uh...where's your office?".

"Just head down the hallway, take a left and he'll be at the end of the hallway in my office...though I could go with you all if you need-"

"No no...that's fine, get your snacks...we...won't be long anyway.", sky was quick to try and get away but dave stopped them, "Hold up, I wanted to ask...hows judas? We haven't gotten to talk much recently because he's been away...". With judas currently taking a hopefully calm nap in her room, the last thing he needed were his family members bursting in to worry him.

"He's...ok...", sky simply responded, "Just...busy...".

"He's sleeping", galexia piped in, before anyone could really stop her.

Though the man didn't say much further on where the boy was, "Well next time you see him, tell him to call me...I want to speak to him on his coronation and well...everything going on with it". There would be a lot to say it seemed, no one was sure if it would even go on anymore, at this rate it might be set back for a few more years in fact.

A place like that? an event like that? Perfect for someone like her to hide herself in...well if she had a reason to attend in the first place.

Then it hit sky like a brick, and it must've been right on her face because everyone was looking at her funny.

But she needed to get moving, "Uh...yeah we'll let him know, thanks Mr Lucitor!", and ushered the rest of her group to follow, leaving the man behind who shrugged and went on his way to grab some donuts. Everyone noticed sky's face but angel was the first to ask, "Sky...um...beg my pardon but...is something wrong? You now seem a little...more upset.".

"I'm not upset angel...in fact...thanks to him, I might have an idea...an idea about how we might be able to lure that...person".

"An idea?".

"We'll talk later...let's just finish this mission.".

The door the man had mentioned was quickly opened, and right there in front of them, going through several draws on the left, was mason. His wings were basically a dead giveaway as even as small as he was those things were too big to hide him away from what he was doing. The boy was so spooked, probably assuming it was his grandfather back already from his snack hunt.

But he wasn't anymore relieved to see who had actually found him.

"Mason!", galexia waved excitably to the boy, who suddenly became red with embarrassment.

Though he sent her a meek wave back.

"You could've just told judas y'know?", sky said to the boy, helping him go through another shelf, "We were gonna find out eventually, so might as well have told us and let us help you out...saved you some touble.".

"I was undercover!", mason argued back, "Judas said i could do it and i wanted to do it!".

"Well I asked judas to do it", sky told him back, "But he's been so busy he asked you...and still...after the first attempt, you could ask us?".

Lucifer, how many of the Lucitor kids had problems trying to prove themselves to others?

"I almost did it...".

"Well no, but only because of being unlucky...maybe the fact you went to a confrontation with fae might of already sorta made sure you wouldn't get what you came looking for...".

Mason's ears flickered on the mention of the demon girl.

"Anyways, let's just find it and go before he gets back."

The others were already helping them out, sunny cleaning and fixing each drawer they went in so it looked the same as when they left it. Granted, considering the strength and danger of a potion like this maybe the guy wouldn't just sit it somewhere a 13 year old could easily find it. Heck, maybe tom has it as he apparently held the investigation and interrogation of fae afterwards.

It wasn't unreasonable to consider.

"Grandpa seemed super happy when we passed him by ",Sunny mentioned, "I miss him so much, he loved my performances back home, but he's super happy here...so that makes me feel a little better.". Mason's wings flickered a little, "Yeah, i've been hanging out him...I hoped he would show me where to find the potion but...I couldn't find it at all.".

"You still have fun?".

"Maybe...a little...", the boy huffed, "But I want to help judas out and I couldn't do what he wanted because i'm too young, just like I can't help out anyone because my parent's think i'm too young.". He went through a few books before putting them back and shutting the door of the desk, "I'm tough...I can help out...i'm not like...a little kid right?".

"Just because you're not a little kid doesn't mean you can't get in trouble...", Sunny said, rummaging around, "I'm 14 and back home everyone says i'm a prodigy and i'm super mature and all that but I uh...I get myself into trouble sometimes...I uh...I made judas upset at one point. Cause I tried to sorta convince something of loki and he didn't think it was ok to do...".

"Really?", Mason seemed surprised, Sunny always came off as if she never made anyone mad and rarely got into fights.

"Yeah...and I stabbed judas once...and celeste got mad with me...and angel saw through my kinda lies...", angel nearby pricked up his ears, "Uh...for the record I mostly guessed...I think me trying to lie and practice to avoid tells made it easier to spot other's tells but I still mostly guessed.". He was sheepish before coughing and getting back to work.

"Yeah, your family is just being protective of you...not that they don't trust you...they just love you.".

Mason sighed before his hand found something, moving aside a hidden panel under the desk he almost hit his head as he pulled out the truth potion. It was still blue and partially used up, but it was definitely the same potion he had helped landon make. He almost screamed before the others quickly cleaned up the room and mason's victory was short lived as sunny reached out her hand to take it.

"Good, thanks mason, we better go before he gets back...", sky was relieved, she was so worried she had practically been watching the door more then searching.

Mason seemed to have his victory sucked away as he handed it over to sunny, who winked at him, "We'll tell judas you found it, we promise. But we have to fast before he spots us...ok?". But that victory was short lived as the door opened up and the former king walked in, with a box of donuts and a smirky smile on his face as he saw the embarrassed teens.

He leaned against the wall, chomping down on a donut. Everyone was left wondering how long he'd been standing there, he could've been for minutes, maybe an hour outisde of that door considering how distracted they all were trying to find what they needed considering how quiet he was being. But everyone seemed to have had their heart completely stopped at the sight of him.

They were so dead,

"What part of "Eyes everywhere" do you guys not get? You should know better then to think breaking into my office would simply be a cakewalk."

Judas quickly awoke from his nap, in a sweat, the girls only slightly scared at his sudden wake and quick to run to his aid to check up on him.

He was breathing heavily and nora was quick to check his temperature, demons were already naturally warmer then most creatures but judas did seem a little more above the line then usual. The Boy clearly just getting out from another nightmare and almost on instinct a rain cloud formed above him, raining onto his sweating head and all over the sheets.

Nora quickly looked to Celeste who shrugged.

"He probably wanted a cold shower right? That's something that's supposed to help wake someone fully up?".

Nora sent her a look that told her that sky would probably not be pleased to know they soaked her sheets whole she was gone and celetste grumpily turned ger head away from the princess.

The storm was quickly turned off, judas spitting out some water and rubbed his face, "I've had nightmares before, but not so...frequent before...not since I was a kid. I don't...I don't know if it's me or...it's...I'm seeing green and...". Nora quickly removed some of her cold slimy hair to place against judas's forehead, "What happened? Did..you...see anything?".

"I...I saw...something...a door? But I also saw...my arm...I think it...attacked me...".

"Was this the same one as last time?".

"Yeah...I think so...at least it's similar more then anything.".

She quickly removed the wet sheets to let them out to dry, judas laying back on the bed once more, "I'm not sure what's wrong with me nora...it seems to have started and it won't stop...maybe the stress really is getting to me.". Though celeste seemed more suspicious then anything, her arms crossed, "Look, green dreams sound weird if you ask me, especially with the door thing".

"How can you be sure?".

"Look, one dream in all green? Fine? Several though in a row? You don't find that weird at all?", she leaned on the bed, looking judas directly in the eyes, "Look, i'm not an expert on dreams, that seems to be lexi's weird thing if any of us know. But You haven't started having these nightmares until very recently, and they're all super similar, it's weird and not normal at all...something is wrong.".

"So what should I do then? I have to sleep at some point...", he held himself, shivering, "I can only keep myself awake for so long...I mean... I guess there's an old spell in the book of sleeps to help me stay well rested but...even sky can't do that for me forever...what should I do?", nora was the first to suggest, forcing her reply out of her before she could make herself stay quiet.

"Tell someone...get an expert...um...I mean...there have to be people who can help and look into it right?".

She got rather flustered, but coughed and got herself to cool down to explain her point better, "M-my family are mostly doctors and um...eclipsa is good at mind magic and uh...well your parents could do something, just tell them and maybe one of them can help...maybe". Dreams were a little hard considering there were many ways to interrupt a dream, one could claim his dream was a bad omen another could claim he would visit a green dimension in the future.

It was probably why he hadn't said anything before.

He told anyone and they might not think it's as important as celeste thinks it is.

He'd have just held up everyone with it and it might not even matter.

Though nora seemed to be reading his mind, quick to touch his shoulder and mumble, "Don't think your problems aren't important, they are...if something is wrong you should say something about it so we can help you...it's ok to ask for help...right? Like how you...helped me and you...wanted my help.". Judas rubbed his shoulder though, granted he must've felt a little bad about spending his time trying to have nora help him during a serious event and putting her in danger.

And it seemed he was taking a backseat since, with all of his problems.

And nora only seemed to get more worried, how did they go from judas wanting to help nora to nora wanting to help judas? Judas when he wanted to approach her wanted to help because he cared and wanted to make a connection with her, now that they did, nora just wanted to see him smile like he did before but was unsure how to do it. Judas just wanted to make her feel like she wasn't alone and she had power to stand up against her parents, nora was asking to fix judas's mental health that traumatized him since he was a baby.

That was not going to just go away, and it probably never would.

But she still wanted to do something, even though everything had been hindering her from properly focusing on helping her friend. Though for the time being the demon seemed to have appreciated the shower and cool slime even if sky would probably be upset later on that her bed was now covered in sweat and rainwater from out of nowhere.

"I know nora...but they're not as important as what's going on with you guys, i've been putting up with this for years without error...it's different then the pain everyone else is dealing with. I need to figure out how to fix myself but It can't come before helping you or angel or the girls...you've all been waiting long enough...I can wait a little longer if i have to...".

"Judas...this is important now, you can't just have nightmares like this for the rest of your life...I mean, we need you...you can't help us if you're distressed", celeste had to agree even if she wasn't saying much. "Dude, you really need to stop with your nonsense, the more you keep denying help the worse it's gonna get...I mean sky is in charge but we still need you."

"But...".

"But nothing, you can't help us if you're panicking and tired!".

She was right, he couldn't deny it.

As guilty as he felt about getting help during all this, help prevented him from causing more mistakes in the future.

Mistakes that could easily make things worse for the people he was trying to actually help, and cause so much worse in the long run.

"Ok...fine...but who should I go to? If you really think my dreams are bad and we need to find someone to help with all my...issues...who? I...I'm not sure who can really spare their time to help me.", the spiderbites would most likely not of anyone considering how much they had to deal with as is. His parents? Well they might just send him to someone...

"Eclipsa, she has all the time in the world anyway...", celeste grumbled, "Plus she probably knows dreams a lot better then anyone, might pick up on something the others wouldn't".

Guess she had a point, eclipsa didn't exactly have a lot to do with her time and mind stuff was something she was all too familiar with, though judas was worried eclipsa would give him nothing but bad news on something like this. There was no way he could go there and not feel worried, what if his nightmares were finally about to come true? What if it was going to take control?

Having something take over his body in his sleep was far from preferable for the young demon.

Far from.

"Fine...I'll go see eclipsa...right now, you girls can assist me...just in case I need help...", he got out of bed, before drying himself up in a blast of fire around his body, "Just...stay close by...I could use company right now.". He was followed out of sky's room and moved on his way to the tower, it felt too soon to see eclipsa honestly, and sky might get upset.

But even sky couldn't argue against this if it meant helping him.

However, as the demon knocked on the door, he was surprised to not get an answer, the door didn't open and no one called from inside. He knocked again, but he was still given no answer from inside. Was eclipsa sleeping? Or maybe she wasn't here at all and they came at a bad time? Maybe she was in her private home with globgor? Judas pushed the door opened and headed inside, the girls following.

"Eclipsa?".

As they entered her tower, they found no trace of her or globgor, the room looked tidy and empty.

They weren't here.

Darn.

"Gee, a time where you want her she ain't here", celeste kicked at the floor, "Figures...guess we gotta wait or...I dunno...find someone else.". But Nora disagreed, "We could just look around for her first? We don't know she's left the castle right? You know about eclipsa's secret home, let's go there and see if she's there. It wouldn't hurt right? The sooner we look at this the better.".

"Fine...whatever...I guess...".

It couldn't hurt, the worst is they go there and don't find her and just have to wait till she gets back. Though celeste was clearly not eager to go for some reason or another, and before anyone could ask she responded, fixing her hair clips. "Look, the place is gross and a pain to get to...i'd rather we just teleported there instead to save us the trouble...and then I don't have to row us forever and then come back if she's not there".

Well, at least she was honest about it.

"Maybe, but it's also rude to just...pop in, not to mention eclipsa probably has spells just to keep people from doing so to avoid ambush...it's ok though...i'll-", but nora stepped in front of him, "I'll row us! Judas you can just...relax, and celestte can-". But the other girl shook her head, "Actually, him rowing would probably keep him more awake, he'd more prone to fall asleep if he's just lying down, even if i'm there...besides...we'll all probably row...it might get us there faster...".

Then her bracelet glowed, "Plus...since we'll be alone down there...I can probably help out...just...for now...the commission probably won't think that much of it...mom could cover for us...". Celeste was offering to help out and put their needs before hers, she was warming up to them, and judas smiled at her knowingly despite her huffing and ushering them to go.

"C'mon...the sooner we fix this the better...".

Whatever storm powers Celeste seemed to be good at, did come quite in handy.

They all were rowing of course, but a gust of wind from a small cloud creature moving them through the gross looking water was also helpful. They were practically cruising that as they hit their mark they almost crashed into it with their boat, the ride seemed to get a smile out of celeste though. She actually seemed to have had a bit of a good time hanging out with them.

It was kinda nice.

Celeste wasn't great but she was still a person and they seemed to have tapped into her softer side in some places. Celeste might not want to admit it but she was having a good time and was feeling less angry for once. Though as they made it to their destination she was going back to being grumpy, guess they'd see more of her softer side another day.

As they made it inside they noticed quickly it was dark, judas lighting up some of the lamps around them to light up the room. It didn't look like eclipsa was here either actually, the place looked empty and clean and well...if anyone was in here they were being quiet as heck. It seemed most likely eclipsa was out and just hadn't gotten back yet and judas felt a little dissapointed.

"Maybe we could try queen butterfly?", nora offered weakly, trying to just figure out some kinda solution they could work up off of. The queen did go into someone's mind recently, maybe she could do something like that for judas? Then again, maybe not, nora lack of knowledge on magic just made this whole situation a lot harder for her to help out on.

Celeste didn't seem too surprised though, tapping her foot and grumbling, "Well, this was a wasted trip, let's get out of this dumpy place and find someone else to handle this." She was already on her way out when something sopped her in her tracks. She was quick to walk over to the nearest bookshelf and pull out a purple book that was sitting on the shelf.

It looked old and was covered in stickers, tape, and crayon, but something about it must've caught the girl's eyes in particular otherwise she wouldn't have bothered with it.

"Celeste?", she jolted at them, looking between them and the book, there was no way she couldn't show them what she found.

She showed them the cover.

"Meteora?", the name still seemed to affect judas, he never had met her before and yet he felt like he knew her. Everyone spoke on her and what she was like before her rampage and it was summed up as her being evil but also pitiful because of why she became that way, before this point he had been sure she was well...dead. Hearing about it made him afraid he'd end up the same way, but now he imagined what it was like for her growing up, not knowing what she did.

She probably grew up here, under their noses this entire time, completely ignorant with a fresh start in life to make friends and thrive on mewni without pressure to be anything other then herself. He wondered if they'd meet her eventually, face to face, as far as they knew she was still on mewni . His thought process was distracing them from the reason they were here but he couldn't help it.

Judas was quick to go over and look at the book, "Y'know...I still can't process the fact she's still alive...I grew up knowing nothing about her but that she rampaged and ended up killed before they rebuilt the entire kingdom back up. Knowing she's out there...I wonder how it feels...to have your mind erased and not have to feel terrified of the damage you can do anymore...".

"Judas...".

He carefully flipped through the pages, seeing a young half-monster with purple hair, horns, and cheekmarks throughout. "She's probably out there living her best life without having to worry about stuff like this happening, making friends and having relationships...there aren't even pressures anymore for her to be the next in line and be everything everyone wants her to be...".

"Jude...hey...it's ok...".

Celeste seemed to instantly regret her choice to give judas the book, ripping it from him, "Hey look, I only pointed it out because...meteora was...a bit of a friend to me back home...". She hugged the book to her chest, "I don't have a lot of friends back home but when I was ditching mom, meteora was there to spend time with me...she...babysat me a lot and I just missed her...".

"You never mentioned her before this point-".

"Well i'm mentioning her now ok?! I wasn't trying to get you upset...".

Judas sank, "It's not your fault...It just gets me emotional thinking about this kinda stuff...I know you didn't mean anything...". He stood back up, "Well...I guess there's nothing for us here anymore...we...better go...". Though he couldn't even take another step at hearing a crash in another room, spooking the three teens and making them jump.

Someone was here, and whoever it was hadn't said a word to them since they showed up.

Judas set a flame upon his hand in order to better light up their location, "We better check that out...c'mon...".

He took the lead, the girls following him behind as he opened a door and went further into eclipsa's mini home, finding his way into her kitchen. Though there was no sign of anyone in here, the kitchen being pitch black. Whatever made that noise had to have been in another room, and judas was already on the move to find whoever was sneaking around.

The next door found them in a bathroom, but nothing was there either.

The bedroom? Nah

Meteora's old room? Also nothing though the sight of it seemed to still leave judas conflicted.

Though the lack of progress was getting to celeste especially, stomping her foot and growling. "Where is that stupid sound coming from!? We've checked just about every room in this place!". Not that they knew much about this old home but they had been through every door and checked all the rooms inside and there was no telling where the source was.

Nora was even puzzled, having checked the same rooms, armed with a book, and finding nothing.

"It's as if...the sound is coming from nowhere...but it has to be coming from somewhere! Sound just doesn't come from nothing!".

And then it hit judas whose home they were in.

"Wait a second...celeste, check any of the portraits around here!", he looked determine and if his hunch was correct-

Celeste turned to him, "Wait...what? You think one of the paintings came to- OH!", she quickly ran off to the kitchen first and nora tapped judas on the back. The smaller girl clearly puzzled, "Judas...what if it's someone dangerous? Maybe we should call for help...just to be safe...I really don't want to run face to face with whoever is under that mask.".

But the demon stood in front of her, "Well, if they are...i'm here to help protect you...whatever it is if it's hiding then we'll have the drop on it before it knows what hit em, alright?".

"Alright."

And they quickly heard a whistle from the princess and followed suit, finding celeste back in eclipsa and globgor's shared bedroom, pointing to a portrait of meteora on the wall. "This one's funky...c'mon...let's see what's going on in here..." with judas helping they moved the hidden doorway open, showing a secret hidden passage, they honestly should've guessed eclipsa had some here just like in the castle...it was her favorite way to travel next to her wand.

And judas went first, the girls following him from behind, celeste in the back with her wand at the ready. Honestly they could be exaggerating, they could just find a rat in here, maybe even some old storage that fell over. They couldn't prove anyone was inside of here, thought if there was a chance it was an enemy or eclipsa herself they had to take it.

It smelled, that was for sure, eclipsa probably didn't clean in here very much.

In fact as they crawled around judas stumbled across candy wrappers and cans for soda, maybe this place was a secret room for eclipsa to store her snacks? If it was that would explain why it might have rats inside. They crawled for a little longer before judas hit the end of the road, pushing the wall in front of them and stumbling into a secret room, the girls following.

Only for them to almost be blasted, as food fell from shelves next to them.

Judas panicked and he almost struck the figure before he gapped, looking up at the person who shot at him he was surprised to find-

"Luna?", celeste grumbled, putting down her own wand.

And sure enough, panting in front of them, was the blonde teenager herself, putting down her own wand. Her eyes just as cold as the last time everyone saw all of them, which at this point had been far too long for them that they all couldn't help but stare. The tall princess gripped her wand tighter then before, looking at judas directly in the eyes, her red against her blue.

This was no warm welcome, for either side as luna pointed her finger towards the teenager intruders who stumbled upon her small hideout for the time being.

"You shouldn't be here...".

"So...how long has this been going on...", the former kind munched on a donut and sipped his brew in front of the pile of embarrassed teenagers. Honestly Sky should've seen this coming a mile away, judas always told her his grandfather had ears everywhere he could, if only to keep an eye out for the most unsavory of people. His office of all things would be bugged.

And yet-

Boy, jude was going to love hearing about this one when he woke up, they were about as stealthy as an elephant in an office building. Well, that's what judas would say when he found out.

It wasn't even as if no one could trust him, it was a matter of getting little as involved as possible, otherwise news may spread and news digging too deep about the situation would cause utter chaos. Plus this guy would probably not be happy his own son left him out of this for the most part, this was kinda a family matter after all even if sunny and celeste were...family in another world.

Yet no one wanted to say anything.

Maybe they could come up with a clever lie? Maybe?

His eyes were mainly on his grandson holding the truth potion, and rightfully so.

That was in a safe place last he checked and now it was being held by his youngest grandchild.

The more quiet they were the more suspicious they seemed to be, and the more suspicious they were the more the man would prod at them to find the truth of the matter. Just how much had he heard of them speaking? Did he know more then he was letting on? Or did he just think this was an average heist over a truth potion. Either way anyone knew better then to mess with any king of the underworld.

And sky felt all eyes on her, looking for guidance.

Or maybe just someone to lie them out of this, though she really should not have been their first option on THAT front.

Though Mason was the one to speak first, sensing that maybe as he was the one who started this, he was the one to take the fall for it. " I um...I made this potion awhile back and lost it and I...I just wanted it back...because If mom and dad found out...they'd know-". He seemed rather red-faced about it but his grandpa knew where this was going.

"You went into your garden against their wishes didn't you?", he actually wasn't even mad, in fact he seemed impressed, "I know you have the ingredients for one in your garden, if you were able to get your hands on one it would be through your own means. Eclipsa gave it to me to help, but sounds to me it wasn't originally her own potion, was it?".

He nodded, "I uh...they were just helping me out...I just didn't think you'd give it to me if I asked.".

"I understand, though I feel like I should be concerned for what reason you even made a truth potion. No one just causally makes a potion unless they intend to use it after all, so that's something worth asking. Not that i;m accusing you of doing anything in particular, but you do know you all are the most suspicious people in all of mewni doing stuff like this right?".

"Maybe, but like...we never intended to use it for anything bad...we're not...y'know, evil or anything?".

"Well, perhaps you have a point...but-", and that "But" seemed to make everyone's hearts in the room stop, "I heard something about sunny here stabbing judas? And the fact you're working with judas...I also seemed to have heard something about sunny passing by her grandfather...which is rather strange because as far as i'm aware, you said your family wasn't around here when we allowed you to stay at this castle right?".

Oops

Wow, they really should've been more careful in his office, who knows what other people have heard from them just rambling about everything going on when they thought no one was listening. If people didn't think of it as all lies or a bunch of kids playing pretend who knows if they also might be spreading rumors on what they were doing? God, they completely forgot about bugs, that should've been one of the first things they looked out for!

They were all looking between each other now and the man leaned on his desk, "Listen, i'm going to talk to my son very soon about this regardless, at the very least you should be honest about what's really happening around here so I can better help you.". Sky leaned back in her seat, not looking at him directly in the face, "Look...it's...I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell you...it's not simple to explain.".

"Try me."

But instead of sky explained, sunny stepped forward and wiped the makeup off her face, her sharp blood moon cheekmarks in full view, and the demon king actually seemed rather stunned. Then galexia did the same, revealing her green saint markings, they barely got to show them since they're been there and even angel seemed surprised to finally see them.

She really wasn't going to have much of a choice was she? He sure wouldn't believe her lies and if he approached his son about this there was no way he could lie them out of it either with this guy's bugging and spying. If they didn't tell him now, at this rate he'd find out eventually on his own, sky felt herself give in and lean back in her chair, annoyed but at this point just accepting her fate.

"it's...a long story.".

"Luna...".

"Judas?".

Judas seemed on the verge of crying in the moment, even if he knew luna was safe and he trusted her seeing her in person was incredible. Well, she wasn't perfect, she looked like she'd been living in the woods for weeks but still, she was alive and ok and...well, her normal self. Though hugs were out of the question as she was quick to grab what seemed to be a backpack of snacks to leave.

"Pretend you didn't see me.", she was almost demanding, she sounded so cold, and she was speaking to people who had kinda been basically friends to her before this point as well.

But judas stepped in front of her before she could go anywhere, luna was a rather tall girl but judas was taller. "Not until you explain yourself...we haven't seen you in awhile luna...you...you stepped out on us...". But the girl wasn't much for conversation, sending him a look and a wand raise, "Judas...I don't have time for this...someone is on my tail and you being here does nothing but blow my cover...".

So luna was aware she was being followed by a spy, figured, she was much to smart to think no one would be out looking for her and keeping a close eye on her. Queen Butterfly wouldn't have just let her go without any fight after all, even if she was given a bit of a head start to begin running so no one could have followed her and she'd have time to cover her tracks before anyone could.

She was sneaky, but the queens had been sneakier, and luna did not like that at all.

''You can't just leave! You've mostly cut all communication with us! Where have you been?! So much has happened and...", he was starting to get emotional and for a second it seemed to have gotten to luna's cold heart before she tired to dismiss it entirely. "Look judas, i'm not good at goodbyes and you would not have let me leave if you knew...but regardless I have say in what I want to do...".

"Luna...".

"I'm here to get some food and hide, and you're not making it easy for me...".

"Oh, should we be?", celeste pulled out her own wand, "You want us to just move to the side so you can walk past us and go back to dumping us on the side huh? Figures as much, we finally find you and it's not ' oh hello guys!' or ' How are you?" it's ' get out of my way, i don't want you around!". Celeste was not afraid of spitting back, that was for certain.

"Celeste...this is-".

"This ain't anything, you asked for my help on some ideal that we cared to get home and for the benefit of helping each other we'd do some investigating yourself. But then you decided to dump us as soon as you get a chance to run and cut out from us and don't even care enough to say a word to us...would it really kill you to stay here with us at all?".

"I'm not even supposed to be here, I tracked it down myself and because eclipsa was out i stepped in, figured she wouldn't miss a few candy bars. If she comes in and finds me, i'm busted and done for. I went out there alone to help, and any contact with you or bringing one of you along puts you at risk. I know my strengths and this is for my strengths.".

"So your strengths consist of constantly pushing people down who care about you?".

...don't pretend like you didn't push people down yourself".

"Yeah but at least I stayed with them...".

Luna's expression suddenly got angrier.

Nora herself had not exactly been apart of this drama, her relationship with luna herself was rather minimal in fact, thought she could tell whatever happened seriously had affected judas and celeste and luna pointing a wand at them wasn't doing her any favors either. Luna was powerful and she was scary, and luna could blast her way out if she wanted to.

But she didn't seem to want to lay a hand on anyone here despite all of this.

Though someone had to do something, before things escalated or they were caught and she suddenly found herself in a burst of protectiveness for her friends, standing in front of luna directly, arms outstretched. This seemed to have caught luna off guard a little since most of her encounters with the slimely girl rarely showed signs of this much courage.

But she did it anyway.

"Please...put the wand down...let's just...talk...for a bit...if you want to leave you can leave after...", she glanced back to her companions who didn't seem entirely satisfied with that call but it was better then the alternative. Luna considered it, and lowered her wand, celeste following despite clearly not wanting to. Though luna still obviously didn't like being here.

Answering their questions at least avoided them from getting caught by eclipsa or anyone else who might of been out there and would notice any destruction or noise coming from inside of these walls. Celeste was still sending luna a dirty look her way and the blonde knew better then to try anything with her watching, celeste was not as powerful but she wouldn't hold back

"Fine...but i won't be here long..."., she simply muttered in a tone that expressed her displeasure.

"Fine...".

Judas plopped down on the floor, clearly still rather sad and upset.

And for a moment luna seemed actually guilty? Or at least that seemed to be the emotion on her face at seeing her friend in this state.

But she didn't say a word, staying trapped in her own silence and almost waiting it out for the situation to be over. She wasn't even sitting close to the others, keeping her distance as if worried they'd attack her or something. She folded her arms and folded her legs, the stuffy room wasn't exactly comfortable but it was all they had for now till further notice.

Hopefully whatever eclipsa was up to, she'd be busy for awhile.

"I heard about the trail...", she mumbled, "I heard form people...saw...papers...". She didn't seem happy nor sad when mentioning the event, it was probably hard to get too emotional over something she had little involvement with though she was probably happy no one got hurt or arrested. One could simply imagine how crazy the situation would've been with her there.

"We saved ourselves...however we could.", judas wasn't really looking at luna, but he still wanted to speak to her, even if he was hurt. "It wasn't easy though, angel and sky really could've been in a cell by now if things had gone any worse. I was panicking that day, it was...scary seeing everything play out. I was worried i'd lose sky and angel and...maybe even more.".

"Judas...you don't seem...well...".

"Well why should he be feeling peachy!?", celeste almost shouted, "It's not like we're the only ones being affected by what's been happening since we ended up here...everything's...been...a mess.". Judas shuddered at celeste's words, she was...defending him? She was straight up getting in luna's face to help him? It was all just...surreal.

Even luna was quite unused to celeste acting like...well, whatever this was.

"Well, i didn't imply that well...nothing bad was going on with any of you, I just noticed judas seemed to not be doing so well, am I not allowed to be concerned? ". One look at Celeste's face told her everything she needed to know, she knew leaving would have an effect on the group but not to this extent, was she completely cut out from everyone? It seemed like it.

Being away with little communication had it's disadvantages.

She lacked knowledge on the group, their plans, if anything bad may of happened in somewhere secluded, this was all unnerving. Though she didn't bow down to celeste's rude remarks, eyeing the demon. "I think judas himself is allowed to tell me anything he wants, I don't think you can exactly speak for him? He wanted to speak to me so...he can speak to me.".

Though judas was silent still, he did want to speak but didn't seem to know what to say.

Should he ask why she told him nothing? Ask about her strange markings? Ask why she felt leaving was the best outcome for everyone? Ask if she was up to anything...bad since the last time they saw each other? There was too much to talk about and he didn't even know if luna would answer any of it! She did like to keep so much to herself after all and some of this might never come out.

But sitting here in silence didn't help either.

In fact it was only making things worse for everyone in the room and if silence was not broken soon they'd miss their chance to do anything with this time they had to speak to luna.

"Luna...I...i've been having weird dreams, they're new, they started up a few days ago and i'm getting worried. We're here because we wanted to talk to eclipsa to see if she could help me. I don't know what's been happening but I've been seeing green and doors and whispers and-". He was quickly shushed by the blonde, who seemed startled, "Judas...repeat that...".

"I was in a dark room, and...I saw green, I heard noises, and I saw a door...and then my arm-", he didn't seem very eager to finish the rest though lucky for him luna didn't need it , the wheels in her head turning as celeste continued to glare at her. "Judas...I...had a dream very similar to yours...in fact that dream is why eclipsa made me...my charm...".

She pulled a very similar looking charm from under her shirt, "It's weaker now but...I remember passing out on the floor and waking up to find eclipsa making me this, saying it would protect me or something...". Something about that line seemed to run a chill down the boy's spine, eclipsa reacted to a dream by giving luna a magical charm that wards off dark magic?

That didn't bode well for him.

Luna looked at his face, and sighed, taking off the charm and handing it over to him without hesitation. "Here...you might need it more then me, it's not as strong as it was though i've been trying to increase it for as long as I could...using that much magic in a spot would blow my cover and it's been hard to try and get it to maximum strength again but maybe eclipsa can do it...".

"Don't you...need this? You're out in the woods luna! You need this charm!".

"I can protect myself if needed, i can make a new charm if i have to...but...i got this from one nightmare, you're having several in a row, you need this more then me.", luna seemed to insist, and judas placed it around his neck, his head feeling slightly lighter then before. "Keep that entirely safe, and wear it when you go to bed, if you want you can keep it under your clothes if that helps.".

Judas snuck it under his shirt, adjusting is jacket to hide it entirely for now. He didn't want anyone to know for now in case

"Thanks...luna...".

"It's fine, just be careful with it and don't lose it, the charm is useless if you break it or lose it...then again you may ask eclipsa for another, if you find her anytime soon.", celeste was still scoffing at the girl and nora was being rather quiet but neither were attacking her for the time being. Judas trying to get back into a conversation before luna was able to get out of it.

"Look, luna...I know you felt you had to leave us but...you should've said something to us, we're still your friends and...abandoning us like that, without telling anyone? It just made us feel...like you didn't actually care about any of us", he was clutching his jacket and he still couldn't look at her directly in the eyes, but he was sure she was avoiding his gaze as well.

She didn't answer, guess it was hard to make an excuse here, or maybe admitting she did care was harder for her then it was for him. Luna instead seemed to almost ignore what he said, trying to explain herself, "Look, I had to leave...someone needed to be on the outside, and I...i couldn't stay there with them all knowing who i was, or what i was...it...was bad news and I knew better then to put myself in that position."

"Oh, so it's ok for us to be there, but not you?", celeste grumbled, her side comment clearly insulting luna though she made a good point. The girls were also just as vulnerable if not more then luna was, but she didn't think they should've left as well? Luna couldn't even see to come up with any way of going against her, she was technically completely right about that.

"Listen...I...It was better I go then anyone else...I've been out there before, I can survive out there...I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Back home i'd...well..I camped out for hours to weeks to catch criminals hiding in the woods. This is right up my ally, someone still needs to stay behind and we can't all just live in the woods! Someone had to leave and I was best fit to leave...".

"Yeah? And how's that working out for ya? Don't see a masked lady tied up anywhere?".

This was not going well.

"Um...luna? Will you come back anytime soon?", nora's voice sounded so innocent, so sweet despite everything going on around her. "We could really use your help, if you want to come back, not that you need to it's just...being here might be a lot better...for everyone. Maybe you could talk to the queens and they could give you some assistance and help you out and-".

"No...I...I can't face my mom knowing she knows who I am, neither of them...I'm not someone who can really handle that kind of thing"., she seemed to trail off on that note, leaving the others to wonder exactly what was up between her and her moms. Luna didn't seem to run much from anything but something about her moms she couldn't stand to still be in the room with no matter how much she tried to be brave.

"Luna...why not? Did you moms back home-?".

Luna seemed to know where this was going before shaking her head, "No, not that...but...I just can't face them, I barely like facing them back home, doing it here only makes it more...unfun.". She glared at the others, her voice cold, "I do not know the weight of how you all feel about your own parents, but I know my own, and I know i cannot face them right now...".

"Well you might be facing the rather soon...", the brunette mumbled, "Jackie's out looking for you...on your other mom's orders funny enough".

Luna's face twisted into one of horror, the mere mention of her mom coming after her sending shivers down her spine, she almost seemed nervous her mom would burst through the room and capture her right this second. Luna rarely showed much fear on her part, so when she did it stood out completely. She could clearly fight her mom off with magic if she wanted to and yet-

"She's...WHAT?!".

She quickly stood up, "Oh that's bad, I need to go...NOW! I had to train under her here and she's...she's not someone I want tracking me down...how long has she been after me!?" She was quickly starting to pack up her stuff, "Spy or no spy, i'd much rather run into a spy then my own mother whose hunting me down...I need to get out of here fast...".

"It's only been a few days, luna, don't-", judas was quick to stand up, "Luna...we just got here, I have so much to talk about with you! You can't just-". But the blonde was quick to pull out her wand, pointing it at him. "I'm sorry judas...but I need to move on, I can't be here right now and I need to get a head start on my mom before she tracks me down here...finding you all with me will only make it worse.".

Her wand being pointed at judas seemed to startle nora, who wasn't sure how to react but was quick to stand up to help, celeste was already drawing her wand. They both might've done something if judas hadn't motioned for them to stand down, there clearly was no point in using magic, they'd only get caught sooner and waste time, not to mention energy considering luna would put up one heck of a fight.

"Fine...get out of here...", the demon didn't seem too happy about this but like he had much choice.

Luna put down her wand, walking past the boy without even looking at him.

She stopped, he didn't even turn around to face her but he knew she had something to say.

"Judas...?".

"Yeah?".

"Good luck...", there was a pause but despite th snarling coming from ceelste she left the room, the door of the painting slamming behind her, leaving the teens behind.

And judas closed his eyes, his ears flickering at the door shutting.

"You too...".

The king took a LONG sip of coffee, in fact sky was sure he was almost about to spit it out, as he tried to process what he just heard. Honestly with how many people figured out what was going on due to them screwing up they might as well just tell the entire kingdom at this rate, Sky could practically hear luna complaining to her about revealing their secret once again on accident.

God, hopefully she never had to having being sneaky as a major part of her job as queen.

Actually, knowing what her mom got up to, it would probably be a major part of the job for the unfortunate young girl.

Ugh.

The rest of the room was mostly silent, though if luna were here she'd have most certainty wiped the mind of the man. For once though, sky would've actually been just fine wiping his mind out of anyone else's. But this was what they were stuck with, and this is what they had to live with. Dave was especially looking at sunny, as if now looking for the features she had inherited from their family.

He wasn't exactly dying on the inside, he had probably known about multiverses just as much as his son did. It was almost mandatory at this point to at least mention them to the leaders of the kingdoms in case Omni needed to but his head in about a timeline being broken so the multiverse doesn't collapse. It was one of those concepts that some people just kinda had to be given at least a mention of.

But that didn't mean this wasn't well...shocking considering the context.

This was one of those things that made you see other things in a whole new light then ever before, and he was clearly still processing everything sky had told him in rapid succession. He had probably expected to hear something was going on behind the scenes, this was not quite what he had been expecting though. No one expects this to happen normally.

However, what came next only added to the surprise.

He simply placed his cup down, and sighed, his lips parting before he pulled himself together in front of the kids as the respectful normal king he was.

"Alright, so how do you want me to help?", he said in the most calming voice he could possibly make considering the situation itself.

And everyone sat in awkward silence, the king folding his hands together, looking as clam and serious as ever. He was quick to notice their expressions and elaborate, "You need help, i'm here to help...I'll still be processing everything for days but well...I'll provide you help where I can.". He had his arms folded on the desk as he offered the kids donuts from nearby.

"I won't sell you out...and you don't have to tell me everything, but...I'll help if It means helping judas and his friends...not to mention...more of my own to an extent.", he motioned to sunny. "This conversation will not leave this room and...for now I won't mention anything to Thomas...we'll keep this between us until I think we're ready to say something. Don't look at me like that, like i don't get into stuff behind thomas's back on occasion with wrath".

He almost seemed to be daydreaming, thinking about his wife before his compact rang.

"Pardon me, stay right here...", he stood up, heading into a corner to speak with whoever was on the other line, he paused, before hanging up and facing the kids. "So...that was Marco, Landon's looking for you sky..".

The princess raised an eyebrow, staying cautious.

"What for?".

The look on his face didn't show promise though and sky gripped at her chair as he broke the news.

"Well um...it appears...his crush is missing, and you're the only other one who can really get in contact with him".

#star vs the forces of evil #svtfoe #svstfoe #sky and the forces of the multiverse #fanfic #fanfiction #tomco bby #janstar bby #tomstar bby #ostar bby #starco bby #starkie bby #spiderslime #my art #king lucitor

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project-stormblessed · 4 years ago

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1-50

Alrighty!

1. What color are your socks?

All of my socks are either completely black or black and gray. Lol.

2. Have you ever lied about your age? Why?

Only once when I was like, 12 or 13 making a second Youtube account lol.

3. What is something you regret in the past month?

Becoming distant and isolating myself from most of my friends. Quarantine has not been good for my mental health tbh.

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Honestly? Not sure. Part of me doesn’t, and part of me does. Can’t really get either part to agree one way or the other.

5. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper? Definitely well over a decade ago. Honestly can’t remember.

6. How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? Who taught you?

I was 11 or 12, and it was my older brother Jack who taught me. He also taught me how to drive lol.

7. Do you get along with your parents? Why or why not?

We get along well enough. Now that they’re retired the house is a much calmer environment.

8. What’s your favorite season?

Spring. I love seeing everything in bloom—the colors are very pleasing to me. I love seeing lots of green, and lots of lush plantlife.

9. Do you currently like someone?

Hmm, not entirely sure about that one. I guess I don’t really have any strong feelings for anyone in particular. Maybe. 👀👀

10. Have you ever used an Ouija board?

Nope, and I don’t plan on it.

11. What’s the last song you sang?

It was a song for choir this past semester, though I don’t remember the title that well or the composer.

12. What’s your favorite scent?

Never really had a favorite scent, honestly. My sense of smell has been pretty dull/weak for as long as I can remember and I’ve never really given much thought to any favorite scent.

13. What’s your favorite urban legend?

The Roswell UFO incident of 1947. It sparked my interest in aliens and UFOs at a very young age, and is probably responsible for a good deal of my love for sci-fi.

14. What’s a bad habit that you have?

Poor self control when it comes to time management. I tend to let myself get absorbed in things.

15. What’s a strange habit that you have?

Hmm. Totally blanked and could only come up with “making noises and pretending to be a mech of some sort when moving around my house”. That’s all I got.

16. What’s the first instrument you learned to play?

Piano. I started learning at 8 years old.

17. How would you describe your ‘type’?

Y’know funny enough I’ve never really thought I had a type. However reaching my mid-twenties has made me realize that my ‘type’ is kind, compassionate, goofy, and nerdy/geeky.

18. Would you rather stay in or go out?

Depends on the company, I guess. Though, usually I prefer to stay in anyway.

19. What was the last thing you said to your mom?

“I’m taking Dax out.” When I went for a walk with my dog lol.

20. Do you want to get married someday?

Definitely didn’t used to. I’m at the point where I’d be down if my partner wanted to, though I’m not sure I’d wanna spend a shitload of money on a wedding. Guess it depends on financial status at the time and the preferences of my partner.

21. Have you ever snuck out?

Nah, though I never needed to. My parents typically let me leave house whenever I wanted to as long as I told them who I’m with and when-ish I’m going to be home.

22. Can you sing well?

I can match pitch pretty well, but I can’t produce pitch un-aided. Usually. So kinda. I’m ok at best, all things considered.

23. What’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

I went off on some of my friends over something kinda silly because my mental state as of late hasn’t been all that great.

24. When was the last time you went sledding?

Uhhh, definitely more than ten years ago.

25. Have you ever liked/do you like someone you know you can never be with?

You kidding me? That’s like, all of my crushes ever. Maybe that’s an exaggeration but honestly it’s certainly FELT that way each time.

26. Do people often mispronounce your name?

No, though I have known a few people throughout my life that said “Bin” rather than “Ben”. I eventually realised it was an accent thing and stopped giving a shit very early.

27. Would you like to live in another country?

Yes, actually. For no small number of reasons. I’ve always wanted to live in Italy ever since I visited when I was 15.

28. Do you like to watch ghost hunting shows?

I definitely used to. I don’t really watch tv much in general anymore, though.

29. Who was the last person you said “I love you” too?

My mom.

30. What’s something you’d like to be better at?

Social interaction. Speaking in general. I’m MUCH more articulate in writing/typing than I am speaking.

31. Have you ever stayed up with someone who was sad?

Yes, and I’m always willing to do so.

32. What was the last thing you cooked?

I helped my good friend prepare some bomb ass ramen a few months back. I guess that counts.

33. Do you think you’d make a good parent?

I’d like to think so, yeah. I would make sure my children know I’m always there for them and will support the hell out of them.

34. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

I don’t, but my dipshit body does.

35. Where is your best friend right now?

All of them are either playing video games or asleep.

36. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Factoring in every aspect of the morning ritual, about 40 minutes. That’s if I’m going somewhere like work or school. If I’m staying home then there’s no getting ready for anything but sitting on my ass lol.

37. How late do you usually stay up at night?

Depends on the time of year/what I’m doing the next day. Right now during quarantine I average anywhere between 2am and 6am. I’m trying to fix that currently.

38. When was the last time you cried and why?

The last time I truly cried was sometime in 2015. I was listening to Breaking Benjamin’s latest album and feeling exceedingly lonely/depressed. It wasn’t a great day.

39. Have you ever won a contest?

None that I can remember, honestly.

40. Can you draw well?

Lol. No. I have very little visual artistic talent or skill.

41. Would you ever date someone you met on tumblr/the internet?

Definitely, though obviously I wouldn’t just jump right in. I’m down for long distance relationships, too. But obviously mutual trust and emotional connection would have to be established first.

42. What was the last thing you ate?

Some brownie fudge M&Ms lol.

43. Do you think you’re/you’d make a good boyfriend?

I don’t really know. Never been in a relationship so I don’t have anything go off of. On the one hand I’m super understanding, laid back, and accepting of boundaries. I just want to make sure people feel comfortable and safe around me. On the other hand I’m also forgetful and very selfish when it comes to my time. I also obviously have plenty of emotional trauma/baggage (who doesn’t?) that tends to impede how I interact with people, so. 🤷🏼‍♂️

44. Have you ever had a near death experience?

Not that I can remember, and I hope I never do. The closest I think I ever came was when I fell off a ropeless bridge into a dry riverbed at 4 years old. Got a concussion from that.

45. What do you think people think of you?

Well, my anxiety tells me I’m annoying and boring. The logical side of me tells me most people in my life enjoy my company, so I guess there’s that.

46. What is your middle name and do you like it?

Don’t feel like sharing my middle name here, but I will say I don’t dislike it. Kinda neutral.

47. Are you close with either of your parents?

Kinda. My parents were often emotionally distant/abusive to my brothers and me growing up, and it’s left me rather stunted emotionally, and generally unwilling to establish a deeper relationship with them. We’re a bit closer than we were when I was a teenager, but honestly not much.

48. Do you like yourself?

Generally speaking? No. There are parts of me I’m proud of, but honestly I often find myself wishing I was someone else. I’m far from the self-loathing I experienced when I was younger, though.

49. State five facts about your appearance—

1. I’m 6’1”-ish.

2. Definitely just a bit chubby.

3. Blue eyes.

4. Currently sporting longer hair because I haven’t had a haircut since about September.

5. I have a number of faded scars on my arms from various self inflicted/work related injuries. All of them were caused by extreme clumsiness/poor spacial awareness.

50. State five facts about your personality—

1. I’m super goofy—I make lots of weird noises and motions.

2. I tend to ramble about things I’m interested in, particularly hyper fixations.

3. I like to think I’m a pretty compassionate human being.

4. Extremely awkward, but strangely that doesn’t show because I’m apparently a social chameleon.

5. I’m an observer, but also an overthinker.

Whew, that was a lot! Thank you, friend!

#asks #answered asks

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the-based-brit · 5 years ago

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I don't believe that you had the life of reilly. Tell us about your abuse, your feelings are valid

*WARNING! LONG AND VERY DEPRESSING POST INCOMING!*

My biological mother smoked and drank while she was pregnant with me, and I was born with two very severe and debilitating disabilities because of her - Dyspraxia and physical difficulties. The former significantly affects my ability to communicate, makes my brain to slow to process information, and it’s a lot like autism in that it makes me struggle to understand certain social cues and hold a conversation with other people etc.. My short-term memory is...well, very short. I forget things. I can remember stuff that happened years ago, but sometimes I forget whatever it was I did five minutes ago. My brain is broken.

The latter affects my motor skills. My hands are not very strong, and I don’t have a very good grip. Sometimes, I struggle to do things that require a strong pair of hands, such as opening a jar, and I have to get my dad and my stepmother to do it for me. I also can’t bend my right thumb properly, and my handwriting is very childlike and scruffy because I have difficulty holding a pen or pencil properly and it takes a while for me to write things down by hand. I’m much better with a laptop or smart device than a pen and paper. And I’m a writer. Or at least I hope to be some day. My right foot also flicks out and my left foot is actually stronger even though I’m right-handed.

My biological mother never bothered to quit drinking or smoking while she was pregnant with me because she was a selfish bitch with a heart made of stone. Instead of nurturing me and raising me right like she was supposed to, she emotionally abused and neglected me for many years. My dad divorced her when I was three years old because she was horrible to him, and more importantly, to me. He left her for my stepmother and never looked back.

When I got a few years older, she told me he cheated on her with my stepmother, but that was a big fat LIE. Nothing could be further from the truth. My dad was never a cheater and never even thought about having an affair. My so-called “mother” was just butthurt because he left her and thus, could no longer control him.

But she still had me, her boy, who was only three years old and, being so young and impressionable, I was easy to manipulate. So she used me to get back at them. The so-called “affair” was not the only lie she told me. She raised me to believe that my dad and stepmother were the ones who were abusing me and they were trying to take me away from her. I suppose that wasn’t a complete lie because my dad and stepmother did fight for custody over me, but that was only because they wanted to save me from my abuser.

But I was just a kid. I was young and dumb and naive and because she was my mother, I believed her. And every Monday afternoon (I lived with my dad and stepmother during the week and my biological mother had me every weekend), I came home from school, with an attitude problem because she told me horrible things about them. And I accused them of those horrible things and needless to say, they got SUPER angry with me and they would defend themselves, and afterwards, I’d feel bad for what I said, I would cry and I would apologise to them profusely.

And I would be left feeling confused, upset, angry and very stressed out. Until the end of the week, I would come home to her and I would tell her what they told me and she would lie to me again. And again. And again. I felt like I was in the middle of a battlefield. In fact, that pretty much sums up my life at home when I was a kid. Now it’s a lot more peaceful, but the damages that were done to me still never fully healed even to this day.

This happened every single fucking week because of her, and it took a massive toll on me. I was very stressed out, exhausted, frightened, traumatised, confused, anxious and depressed and it literally made me feel physically ill, as well as mentally. I could barely eat or sleep. I would often run to the toilet and throw up in it after eating even just a little bit of food because I was so stressed and anxious, I could not hold it down. And because of that I’m very skinny and underweight and even now, I still have problems eating, though I’ve gotten a bit better at it since then. I also suffered terribly from insomnia and that made sleeping just as difficult.

And this made it hard for me to do well in school. Because of all the shit that was going on at home, and because of my disabilities, I struggled to keep up with the other students. I could barely concentrate, I almost always needed help and I could barely get any work done. My grades are mediocre, at best and nobody could understand why and no one cared to. My parents and teachers just nagged me to work harder, and my special helpers in school insisted on doing more or less all my work for me.

Homework was a bitch, too. It took me, like, three hours at the LEAST to get it done because of my problems. To be fair, I was a pretty lazy kid who deliberately put it off because I didn’t wanna do it and I was young and stupid enough to think it would eventually make me not have to. I HATED my maths homework the most. In fact, maths was basically my WORST subject and I preferred English and IT and History, which I was better at. Science and Religious Education were also pretty cool imo. But I digress.

My learning disorder wasn’t the only thing that broke my brain. My biological mother emotionally manipulated me for years, and that broke me even more. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I was a mess. So many attacks on my mind. My body was left in pretty bad shape, too.

And I think the worst part about all of it was that there was basically jack shit I could do about it. I couldn’t defend myself physically because I was too young, too small and too weak. I couldn’t defend myself verbally because I was far too tired, too over-emotional, too terrible at verbal communication and couldn’t articulate myself well enough. And I was too emotionally abused and bullied, both at home AND at school to even TALK about it. That’s the thing about abusers, they don’t want their victims talking to anyone about their abuse.

And on the rare occassions I did talk about it, no one gave two shits and a fuck. Most people didn’t know about it. Some did, but most of them didn’t give a damn, at least not enough to do anything about it, like get me some help or get me away from my abuser. Because I grew up in a shithole of a town, where there are some good people but there’s a lot more BAD people.

Plus, my abuser was a woman and I’m male. And no one gives two shits about male abuse survivors like myself. I was often told to “man up”, “grow up” and “stop being a pussy” just for trying to open up about my feelings instead of bottling them up inside.

She was a feminist, too, my abuser. I had a biological half-sister who was nine years younger than me and she was treated like a princess while I was treated like dogshit. She never admitted to being one of those crazy man-hating feminist types, not in front of me, but looking back, I realised her actions spoke louder than her words. She was in part the reason I stopped calling myself a feminist years ago.

My dad and stepmother were fairly well-off. Not rich, but not broke, either. Definitely not. I come from a family of teachers. My dad was a teacher, my stepmother is, or was a teacher, and so is my older brother. I could have been a teacher myself if I wasn’t born disabled and abused and neglected for so many years. My dad works in a school full of kids with learning difficulties similar to mine, and he gets paid a lot of money to teach them. And they’re very materialistic and money-oriented people who vote for the UK Labour Party every year, but only because they tax you less. And they think they’re such good parents because they have money and they can buy me nice things, but in my experience, you need more than just money to be a good parent. You have to support your children physically, emotionally and mentally as well.

As George Carlin once said:

It’s good that they had more than enough money to put food on the table, clothes on my back, a roof over my head...plus entertainment and any luxury item I wanted, but if they had just provided me with equal amounts of love and emotional support, if not more than equal, I would have been mostly ok. But I’m not. I’m broken. I’m aloof. I’m mentally scarred. I’m traumatised. I’m anxious and depressed. I’m very mentally ill, tired and damaged beyond repair.

Because truth be told, they weren’t much better than my so-called mother. Especially my stepmother. I guess she was not as manipulative, but she was very emotionally and verbally abusive. She would often yell at me over little things, and bully me constantly. Just like my abuser, and the other kids at school who harassed me every. single. schoolday. She was horrible to me. Far as I’m concerned, they are both as bad as each other. She’s calmed down quite a bit and she’s not so abrasive anymore, but she still has her moments, and the damage she’s done to me, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, had a permanent effect.

I never had a REAL mother. The kind who nurtures her children and loves them unconditionally. My family hates my guts because they think I’m a spoiled, entitled little brat and a very spiteful, vindictive, hateful little shit (I was a very angry kid. And for good reason) who always cries and complains when he doesn’t get his own way. I never had any real friends, either. I hardly ever speak to anyone in real life because I’ve tried so many times and it seldom ended well. That, and I’m crippled by a horrible social anxiety, which is not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still there.

I’ve never had a girlfriend, either. Or a boyfriend. I’m a virgin, and a loner. Fuck my life.

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anastasiaskarsgard · 5 years ago

Note

Can you do another part to touched about how his family would react to him having interest in a girl?

Megan thought about her kiss with Simon all week. She’d even catch herself grinning, absentmindedly touching herb lips. He was just so gorgeous, and tall, and took a real interest in what she said, like he was hanging on every word. He was a bit odd and she couldn't remember what he said he had, but it wasn't contagious she was pretty sure.

It wasn't everyday a guy that looks like a supermodel takes notice. Shes a nice looking girl, but a bit plain and low profile by choice. She preferred to blend, not stand out, but that also meant that people that do stand out (like Simon) didn’t notice her.

She really hoped he’d come in today like he did everyweek. Her Dad had told her not to get her hopes up, and that dating him would be a challenge, but he wanted her to stay a little girl forever, so she took his warnings lightly. She wasn't needed, since her Dad was better, but she wanted to at least hang out a bit and give Simon a chance to find her. Her dad gave her some work to do to pass the time and not look like she was waiting on him.

next thing she knew Simon was there and he had two people with him. One guy and one girl and they appeared to be a couple. Simon, was showing them various displays, and she felt very nervous all of a sudden. Her thoughts started to run wild with questions like ”what if he just ignores me?” or ”what if they don't think I'm pretty enough?”

She returned her attention to her work, although She couldn't really get anything done, because she was so preoccupied with her uncharacteristic insecure thoughts.

”Megan?” Simon asked shyly.

She spun around in her chair, standing up, and skipped over to Simon and waved hello. He awkwardly waved as well and then looked down at the floor. She wasn’t shy at all, but found his shyness adorable.

“Don’t be nervous Simon, I’m so happy to see you. Are you nervous?”

His beautiful green eyes flashed up to her and locked on to hers. He blushed and nodded.

”well that makes two of us. I was starting to think you were just going to ignore me,” she confessed.

”i could never ignore you.” he said matter of factly, looking at her like she might me crazy. He huffed his breath, causing his bangs to flutter.

She couldn’t help but be a giggly mess. She was trying to play it cool, but that was never one of her strong suits around someone she liked. She knew she was ridiculous to think it, but she couldn’t help but to think he was out of her league as well.

Simon truly was beautiful. He was at least 6’3” with a slim build, but built solidly, with broad shoulders and large hands. As impressive as his body was, it was his face that took her breath away. The first thing she noticed was his large quizzical green eyes that were very expressive. She could see what he was thinking and he had this openness about him that made her feel like he’d never lie to her. She had a thing for cute button noses on men, and if she didn’t know better, she’d swear he bought his from a doctor along with his full rosy lips. The more she considered his face, the more it became clear that he was literally gorgeous. His cheekbones were set high, and his chin was strong with a masculine dimple, and although he didn’t smile often, she’d seen a flash of dimples when he had. His teeth were perfect and most Boys their age had at least a couple skin blemishes, but Simon had none. He dressed really colorful too, which was refreshing since most guys wore dark colors.

“You could be a model,” she blurted out.

Simon looked at her strangely and then turned around to look for she assumed his friends, but then he tuned back to her.

“Do you eat pizza? It’s Friday and I would like if you came and ate pizza with us. Are you hungry?”

“I am almost starving now that you mention it.” She answered, staring at him patiently.

“Do you want to go eat with me and Sam and Jennifer?”

“I’d love to! That’s your friend Sam?”

“That’s my brother and he is my friend too. So yes. Jennifer is my friend too. I found her for him when his girlfriend left and ruined our equation.”

“Equation?” She giggled.

“The equation to make living together work. He needed a girl that balanced us out or it’d never work, but I found him Jennifer after Frida went crazy over no toilet paper.”

“I’m sure that’s a fun story.” She quipped.

Just then Sam and Jennifer came over and introduced themselves. Megan greeted them warmly, and found Jennifer to be bubbly and delightful. Jennifer asked Simon to go with her to help her understand something.

“She’s starving, we need to get her food.” He said seriously.

“I can wait a few more minutes, go ahead.” Megan responded. She could tell that Sam wanted to speak to her without Simon hearing, and Jennifer was the distraction.

Simon reluctantly agreed and folllowed Jennifer to the other side of the room, out of ear shot.

“So...” Sam started. “You like my brother?”

“I do. He’s very nice and sweet and handsome, what’s not to like?”

“And he kissed you last week? Two times and touched your face and arm?”

Megan blushed hard looking away, “Wow, you guys are very open with each other but yes.”

“He’s literally never done that and hates to be touched. Do you know what Aspegars is?”

“Not really. My dad mentioned he doesn’t like touching, he’s a bit socially awkward and he is incredibly intelligent.”

“A bit.” Sam laughed rolling his eyes. “It’s more than a bit.”

“Well I’m super comfortable in social settings in general, although I admittedly get anxiety over situations like Simon, not only because I like him, but I don’t want to do something wrong, or hurt him. I’m an empath. I think I make him pretty comfortable, and have an idea of what I’m getting into maybe.”

“I don’t know that you do. Simon is very particular. He does everything by a set schedule. This is the most he’s gone off his schedule in a year. He’s obsessed with circles, he normally never allows anyone to touch him. I mean even if me or my parents touch him, he may strike us. He has tantrums, he has to turn a light on and off 3 times, and he takes everything literally. Sarcasm escapes him and you have to mean what you say or he’ll think you’re lying. He’s also obsessed with space, and up until now, he’s shown no interest in the opposite sex. He actually has an aversion to emotional songs or movies. When he told me he had kissed the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, frankly I couldn’t even grasp it. I half didn’t think you were real. He’s been hyper focused on you, so that’s another thing I need to warn you about. For lack of a better word, you’re his interest now, and he doesn’t half ass interests. He goes 100%. Are you getting all this? you look a little lost. Is it too much?”

“No please continue! I wish everyone I ever kissed came with this type of introduction and tips from their brother. I’m all ears!” She smiled at him encouragingly.

“Ok. When he gets very upset, he has a hard time coping and needs to do something to calm himself. He often likes to hide in a large can we have at home, until I can talk him out. If I’m able to stop him from going in there, he may twirl a hoop on his arm, or clean something. There have been many times where he has physically lashed out, for instance if someone touches him he’ll push them away or slap them. If God forbid someone tries to embrace him it’s really bad. Now I don’t know at all how that’s going to translate into a relationship, just be cautious or ask. Don’t surprise him.”

“Is that all?” She scoffed, sitting back down to soak in all the new info he just dumped on her.

“He’s not all bad. He is active and although he’s very blunt and has no filter, you know he’s never lying to you. If you want to come up with an excuse to back out, I understand and will back you up.” Sam said sympathetically.

Megan looked over at Simon who was explaining something to Jennifer, having what appeared to be, a normal interaction. He looked so assertive and passionate about whatever he was telling her, and then he glanced over and their eyes met. She couldn’t help but smile, and he smiled in return, waving his hand at her. She glanced over to Jennifer who’s mouth was hanging open and looked completely stunned. As Megan watched Simon make his way back over to them, she knew she should be apprehensive and this was not going to be easy or typical, but that was okay. She couldn’t help but think that maybe because she was his opposite, (being so empathetic and socially intuitive), that she could possibly balance their own equation. She had a maternal streak, and found the thought of being needed an attractive trait in a partner. She also was a bit insecure, and the fact this drop dead gorgeous guy that every girl in the room took notice of, only ever wanted to touch her, and will literally slap other bitches that try to touch him! That was almost as attractive as his face. Yes. She was definitely interested in Simon.

“Sam, I’m glad you told me those things, but I still want to see where this goes. I’ll be respectful, and I’ll research Aspegars to get more familiar, but I find a lot of the perceived negative traits about him, incredibly comforting and endearing. ” She said.

Sam was completely taken aback by her response, and after regaining his composure after a tick, smiled and felt a great relief. He had been mentally preparing how to deal with Simon after the girl ran for the hills when she was fully aware of the situation, but here she was. He felt he had done his part, and although he’d continue to be supportive, and inform Simon about aspects of a relationship that aren’t obvious, he had to step back and let nature take its course. Thank God condoms are circles he thought to himself.

“Ready to go eat everyone?” Sam asked. “You lead the way Simon.”

Simon hesitated, concentration painted on his face, before looking at Megan confidently. He reached out his hand to her, and she cautiously took it, allowing him to guide her.

Sam and Jennifer both had to suppress their utter shock, but were absolutely thrilled that everything was going so well.

Megan had a wonderful time with Simon, making sure not to touch him suddenly, and careful of how she worded things.

Megan heard the now familiar beep of Simons watch, letting them know they were onto the next activity, or point in the schedule.

“What does that beep mean?” She asked gazing up at Simon.

Simon was distracted by her eyes and how they appeared brown, but when he stood closer and really looked they were the darkest shade of green. His color green is uncommon, but he couldn’t remember ever seeing someone with her color. He knew the science behind eye color and hers didn’t make a lot of sense but here it was; Looking up at him.

“That beep was time to leave in the next 5 minutes. “ he stated.

“Oh,” she sighed. “Well I understand. Time prevents chaos, but I’d really love to see you again. Can I have your number or you take mine?”

Simon was very perplexed. He knew it was time to go, but he didn’t want to go and he didn’t care if they were off schedule. He did know that was a crazy way to think. Time was one of the most important aspects of his life, it kept chaos at bay! But he found his need to be near Megan outweighed his fear of chaos, and he was pretty sure he had feelings to blame for this. Normally the thought of feelings repulsed him, but not when he looked into her eyes.

“I have feelings for you.” He said abruptly, watching her reaction, pleased when her face lit up.

She smiled a big genuine smile that made Simon feel warm. “Can I give you a kiss goodbye?” She asked. “If not, then I totally get it, I just have feelings for you and— “ She rambled before being cut off by Simon wrapping his arms around her, and lowering his face to give her a passionate kiss. She gingerly wrapped her arms around his waist, feeling him tense up and freeze.

She dropped her arms and looked up at him apologetically but he relaxed a bit and grinned down at her. “It’s ok. It is nice when you touch me. Only you though.”

She lightly placed her arms around his waist again and leaned her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes, “Yes. Only you,” she whispered.

#simplesimon #simon #bill skarsgard #bill istvan günther skarsgård #bill prompt #ask #i researched #so dont even try #neurotypical #or whatever #its possible

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lisinfleur · 6 years ago

Text

Someday

Five years since the last time he put his feet on Kattegat. Five years since the day Ubbe saw you leaving through his door, swearing you didn't want him anymore after giving back the ring he gave you a few months before when he asked you to be his wife and you gladly accepted being his forever.

He could still remember how hard it was for him the way you simply refused to talk to him or answer his calls, blocking him on every single social media... Leaving him without choices but leave the town to conduct his life through a way totally different from what he thought he would be following.

Ubbe had plans to get married to you after high school. To keep living in the town and find some small job there to live a simple life by your side. However, he ended up becoming a graduated administrator to his father's trading company. It wasn't the life he planned, but it was the only way he saw after you left him: to become what Björn decided not to be. Now, he was back to take his position as the new CEO of his father's company, but also, to see how the place where he was born had become since he left.

A lie into his heart, he knew that. Ubbe was back pretty more because he wanted to know what was made of your life. Still, he had no courage to test if your old cellphone number was still blocked to him...

Instead, he came home, being received by his mother with a large lunch and the great majority of his brothers around his table: Björn, as always, was out for some kind of different trip. Sigurd was out with his band, on a tour - but he sent a postcard congratulating his older brother for the recent graduation. Around the table, Hvitserk wasn't really waiting for lunch to start before starting to peck everything he could reach with his fingers. And Ivar wasn't that happy to have Ubbe's ass back in the game: everybody knew the position of the heir of that company was something he wanted to himself and Ubbe kinda stole it from him by being born before, of course.

He hugged Hvitserk, messed up Ivar's hair, had a good lunch with his family and a long talk with his father about the company. Tired from the trip back home, Ubbe asked for some time and Ragnar gave him a month or two before he could take his position at the company.

"There are a lot of things you shall see before you can start your new life, son. And after all, you just came back... Go take a ride at the city and see how Kattegat has grown when you weren't here... Lots of things changed... Lots of new things are around to be discovered..."

Something strange to be told, especially coming from his father, but a small ride wouldn't be bad: Ubbe thought he could buy a bottle of wine and some bullshit to share with Hvitserk later at night and talk about the whole stuff about college they didn't have the proper time to talk about at the phone while he was away.

He thought about taking the car, but it wasn't a long walk to the grocery store anyway, so Ubbe decided to go on his feet, taking a look at the styles of the houses around. Things weren't that different from what he remembered, but also, weren't that equal. Colors had changed, materials, some houses were entirely rebuilt, some businesses were closed, smaller or even bigger, like the grocery store he remembered from his childhood.

It was smaller. For sure. But now the place had swollen the convenience and the whole gas station at the corner of the street, turning itself into a big market with a small snack bar for the travelers that stop to fuel their cars.

Ubbe's hand went to the door, ready to push it when it slid aside, surprising him with the automatic system and the cold air inside the place, indicating an air conditioner was installed to keep the local in a pleasing temperature for the clients. It was inevitable the twitch of his lips in an impressed pout: the place was really better, after all.

He walked around, searching for the alcoholic drinks section when something small stumbled in his legs, falling not far from him, catching his eyes almost immediately: a little girl was running around and she fell with her butt heavily hitting the ground after turning a corner and hitting her inattentive face right in his legs.

Ubbe noticed she was crying and so, he lowered himself, seeing the big blue eyes of that small child full of heavy tears.

"Hey..." he said, as she was rubbing her eyes, trying to wipe her own tears, seeming to be scared. "Calm down, little one. What is your name?"

The little child remembered him of you by the color of her hair, exactly like yours. She was a delicate little doll, dressed in a beautiful handmade dress, but looking sad with all those tears, and sobs, and swollen red face of how much she was crying.

"I'm Asta, and I lost my mother..." the little girl tried, sobbing in between the words, starting the whole cry once again.

Her state and her words causing Ubbe's heart to clench into his chest: Asta...

"I would like to name them Asta, for a girl, and Uln, for a boy"...

The names you wanted for the children you never had with him.

Ubbe sighed, pushing away the memories and offering his hand to the little girl sitting on the ground, helping her to get up.

"Look, don't cry ok? I think I saw a police officer at the entrance of this place, so I'll take you to that girl you're seeing right there," he pointed the brand-new reception of that place where a security guard was standing beside the balcony, talking to the receptionist. "And that officer will help us to find your mother ok? We'll call her and she'll come to find you there. Will you feel better this way?"

The little child nodded, still rubbing her beautiful blue eyes...

Eyes like his, hair like yours. "She could be our daughter," he thought, conducting the little girl by her hand to the security guard.

However, before he could reach the guard, the little girl let go of his hand and ran away from him, screaming out loud, calling the whole place's attention to her when she jumped into your arms.

"Mommy!!!"

Her little hands embracing your neck tight, leaving no doubt you were her mother. You picked your little Asta up into your arms, ready to thank the man that was bringing her by the hand towards the security guard you were ready to call for some help when your eyes found that pair of blues looking at you.,

Surprised...

...and broken.

Ubbe didn't have changed that much after all: his eyes were still windows to his soul and you could still see his heart shattered into his chest by seeing you holding that little girl up in your arms.

You had a daughter...

You named her Asta...

You had the dreams you planned with him... With someone else?

You saw the way he swallowed dry, trying to take his eyes away from you, to fake a smile towards your little girl, speaking to her tenderly while your heart was racing into your chest with that trickery of the destiny.

"See, little Asta... We found your mother," he said, sounding sweet, despite you could feel the bitterness with which the word 'mother' sounded in his voice. "You don't need to cry anymore."

His eyes went to yours once again and he tried poorly to fake a smile at you as well.

"It's good to see you're ok, Y/N."

It wasn't.

It was hurting him and he was thinking all the wrong things, you knew that. Five years have gone since you had to take the worst decision of your life. But if he was back, then, it was over, right?

"I didn't know you were back in town..." you tried to extend the conversation and Ubbe didn't deny you a proper answer.

"I arrived today. You gonna see me around, now that I'm taking my father's position at the company. The old man wants to retire... My turn to work now, I guess," he tried a weak joke.

But you didn't laugh.

"So... Your college is over. Is that it?" you asked, sounding a little anxious.

Something he didn't let pass.

The little girl in your arms had her head laid in your shoulder; her little nose against your neck as she was starting to feel sleepy after all the nervousness of being lost even for a moment.

Maybe...

"Do you wanna share a drink at the snack bar?" he asked, "We could give little Asta some time to chill and... Have a proper talk."

Your anxiety proved his senses right when you readily accepted his invitation. There was something you wanted to talk to him and he was starting to be really curious. Fuck, the wine with his brother could wait.

He watched as you managed to place Asta in her stroller all by yourself, closing the security belt around her little waist and giving her a small plushie bear she grabbed, hugging it tightly. You seemed to be experienced in doing things all by yourself and everything around you seemed to be organized to a single mom...

Things were more and more curious for Ubbe now. Did her father leave you all alone?

What kind of bastard would do it?

A part of him kinda felt avenged, but he readily reprehended himself for the thought. He would never have left you with his child, but also, it was your right to want your dreams with somebody else.

Ubbe sighed, pushing away the flood of thoughts once again, walking by your side to the snack bar, observing as the movement of the stroller caused Asta to fall asleep still holding the little plushie bear.

You placed her near your chair on one of the tables and he sat in front of you.

"Coffee. Expresso. No sugar, please," you asked something he almost never saw you asking before, except when you were about to make a test at school you were sure you would fail.

Now it was official: you were nervous.

Ubbe didn't ask anything for the moment, just looking at you with those deep blue eyes you didn't see in years. His eyes were still as beautiful as you could remember.

But he was older... More beautiful, as if it was possible.

Yet, he was serious.

"What is it that you want to tell me, Y/N?" he asked, directly, showing he still knew you better than anyone else.

You sighed, looking down at your daughter sleeping peacefully into her stroller.

"You didn't answer my question. Is your college over?" you asked again and he sighed, kinda frustrated.

He never really wanted to make that college. He went there just because you left him.

"Yes. I don't see how it's so important to mention it now, but yes, Y/N. I'm graduated and my college is over." Ubbe answered, almost annoyed.

"So... I think now, I can tell you the truth," you mumbled, causing everything to stop around Ubbe.

The truth? What truth?

You took a sip from the coffee Ubbe didn't even see the waitress serving to you, placing the cup at the little plate over the table while he was still looking at you as if his eyes had frozen on time when you said the word "truth".

You sighed.

You kept that secret for five years. Five long years you hid from him as much as you could, trying not to destroy his life, his future. Ubbe deserved better than being a small man at that town forever. And you did everything you need to give him that chance.

"What truth, Y/N? What is happening?" he asked.

His blues allowing you to see how fast his heart was beating now. He knew. In the bottom of his heart, Ubbe knew exactly what you would tell him.

But he had the right to hear those words and you sighed, looking at him.

"I lied to you," you said, looking straight into his eyes even when yours started to form a thin line of tears under them. "It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, the hardest decision I ever had to make, but I knew if you were with me, you would never go to college and become someone. You would be stuck in Kattegat being no one just to keep me closer to you and I couldn't let that happen. I knew you received three different invitations for college and you were planning to refuse all of them because of the distance from home, so I went to your house that day and broke up with you. And I blocked you in all the ways you could try to find me because I knew if you didn't have me around, you would take one of those chances and go."

Right what he did! For a second, Ubbe felt like the dumbest idiot in the whole world. How could he be so blind? It was so obvious!

A part of him was angry, of course. But he knew you were right... He wouldn't go if he didn't have lost you.

"I was ready for a simple life by your side, Y/N..." he started, and you cut him out.

"No! You could be more! You could be someone and I was the anchor locking you here. I couldn't let you sink your whole life just because you wanted to be with me. I always had the plan to talk to you at the end of your college's first semester if you were still alone but..."

That pause sent shivers down his spine.

His mind was making the math but he didn't want to believe. You looked down, ashamed. You knew you did what you did with the best of the purposes, but yet, you took something from him and he had the right to hate you if he wanted.

The tears poured down your face and Ubbe became rigid in his chair.

"Y/N... Why didn't you call me when my first semester ended?" he asked and you covered your face, trying to hold back the sobs, swallowing dry before mumbling your crime to his ears.

"I didn't want you to give up on everything... If it was only me, I could convince you to keep your college going, to keep our relation something distant or even I could tell you I would wait for you to come back... But if you knew..." you paused again, sinking his heart into his chest.

"If I knew what? For the gods' sake, say it!" he asked, almost in despair.

And finally, you broke up that enormous wall you tried to build in between the two of you, revealing your most shameful secret.

"If you knew I was pregnant you would have left everything behind to come back. And I didn't want to ruin everything in your life..." you cried.

And your words caused Ubbe to rub his face, looking at the little girl sleeping peacefully at the stroller.

How much of her life did he lose?

What did she knows about him?

What would have happened in his life if you didn't have hidden that child from him?

You continued sobbing and the waitress gently brought a cup of water for you, leaving it in front of you on the table, to help with your sobs.

Ubbe sighed again, not knowing exactly what to say.

"You shouldn't have done this," he tried to start from somewhere, but it only made you shrink a little more in your chair and it wasn't what he wanted, so he tried again with another route. "I would have..."

No. He knew pretty well he would have given up on everything and came back to Kattegat on the same day if you had told him you were with his child.

"I could have..."

Solid no. He also knew he wouldn't be able to focus on his college and continue the course knowing you were dealing all by yourself with a pregnancy, a newborn and all the stuff he would have known you were passing through.

"I..."

His voice failed.

Ubbe knew you chose the only way in which he would finish his college and become someone or have something to call his. You gave up on his presence and you did everything to give him a chance to become someone and protect him from his own stupid choices.

He rubbed his face one more time. And again.

"I'm sorry," you mumbled, still crying, remembering him how much you were crying when the two of you broke up that awful day.

Ubbe got up, walking around the table and sitting by your side, looking once again to that little girl sleeping like a beautiful doll into the stroller.

She was pretty well cared; despite the fact you were clearly tired and older than he could remember. You sacrificed your youth, your future to hold his.

Like you didn't feel for five years, you felt his arms around you, embracing your body and pulling you against his chest. Without resistance, you leaned completely into his touch, crying helplessly against his chest, repeating all the time how sorry you were, how you didn't want to hurt him...

His hands ran through your hair and you felt him kissing your forehead, softly holding you against his chest until you were able to control your tears, reducing it to small sobs. Your head still resting against his chest, hearing the sound of his heart you used to love so bad to sleep hearing.

Life was cruel to both of you, but now it was time to start over and Ubbe knew he could make a choice.

He could be angry with you for lying or he could see your noble reasons and try to rebuild what you had to destroy in order to give him a chance.

"No more lies," he mumbled "I'm a grown man. I can make my own decisions and I won't screw up if you trust me. We'll talk and study any decisions we'll have to make together. No more secrets, or lies, or sacrifices for each other... We'll do things together from now on... Fine?" he asked and you nodded against his neck, keeping the embrace, trying to feel numb by his scent one more time.

You missed him so bad... It was so hard to live without his embrace!

"How much does she knows about me?" he asked, looking at your daughter with tender but scared eyes.

"She's the only one who knows the whole truth," you said, surprising him with your answer, "I told her daddy was studying out of the town and he would take a while to come back. And I told her she was his surprise and that was why he didn't know about her: because we would wait for him to come back and then we would tell him she was his gift."

Ubbe's heart swelled with tenderness and love into his chest. So, she knew about him... She knew he didn't reject or left her anyway. Things would be easier for him to get closer.

He cupped your face softly caressing your cheeks with his thumbs.

All the love you always saw in his eyes was right there, looking at you once again.

"I still have that ring," he said, looking at you "And I still want you more than anything in this world. One step at the time, I'll recover everything we lost. And I still want you to be my wife."

You leaned into his touch and kissed his lips softly, allowing him to deepen the kiss with all the urgency of his need.

To taste his spicy flavor once again was like stepping on paradise and he finished the kiss that adorable way you liked so much: touching his forehead on yours, caressing your face with his.

"My answer is still yes, Ubbe. It never changed. I'm sorry for..."

"Shhh..." he silenced your mouth touching his fingers on your lips "I don't wanna think about the last five years. We'll pretend they never exist. I want to know every single detail about our daughter and then we'll forget we were separated and build our lives from today on."

You nodded, agreeing.

"I made videos from everything. And there are thousands of photos for you to see," you said, with a smile.

Ubbe smiled back at you, pecking your lips.

"I can barely wait to start."

This was the first day of the rest of his life, and surely wine with his brother would wait for another night.

Maybe not for bullshits and college stories. But to celebrate the fact he had a beautiful daughter and a lovely wife.

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crowkingwrites · 6 years ago

Text

Battle of the Bands (Ch.14)

Pairing: Robb Stark x Reader, Jon Snow x Reader, Viserys Targaryen x Reader, Ramsay Bolton X Reader

Summary: You just moved into the city for the first tie all by yourself. After you get your dream summer job working for a small magazine, you find yourself in the middle of the city’s rock festival: Battle of the Bands. Local rock bands throughout the city compete to win a record deal that could change their lives. Your job? Get close to them and write about them online.A single girl in the city surrounded by rocker boys during the summertime. What could possibly go wrong?

Words: 1737 // AO3 Link

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five // Chapter Six // Chapter Seven // Chapter Eight // Chapter Nine // Chapter Ten // Chapter Eleven // Chapter Twelve // Chapter Thirteen

Jon was still on your mind. You liked how he cuddled you. You liked how he kissed you. You shook your head violently. Now was not the time to daydream about Jon. Now was the time to figure your shit out. Well, it would be a lot easier if you had friends on your side.

You texted the most reliable person you knew, hoping they could help.

You to Loras: [Something serious is happening. Tell Renly to be The Scene office. I think we might be getting sued.] Loras: [….good afternoon to you too? Getting sued? What?]

Good you had Loras. Renly was on his way, no doubt. Now Margaery.

You: [911.] Margie within seconds: [Where are you? I can get you. Whats wrong?] You: [I fucked up. Viz is gonna take down The Scene for that article I wrote. He’s gonna sue and I’m going to get fired.] Margie: [That’s…bad. That’s bad dude. We’re going to figure it out. Whatever happens, I got your back.]

Margie’s on board. Then again, Margie’s always been on board with you for anything. Best friends are funny like that. One moment, you’re helping her throw up in a bar in a part of town you’ve never been in before while also texting a thirst trap. The next moment Margie’s helping you potentially go to court.

She was your ride or die, and right now, you’d rather die than text Jon about Robb. As much as you hated it, you needed Robb. This was his magazine.

You to Jon: [That article about Viserys. He saw it and he’s gonna try to take me and The Scene to court. What do I do?]

The anxiety settled in like an old, toxic friend. She made your skin crawl, and your heart beat erratically. You felt so stupid. You put yourself here. You did this to yourself. This was all your fault and you could have prevented it, but you’re stupid. You’re so stupid.

You: [Ramsay told me. How do we tell your brother? This is bad. I’m panicking]

Robb wouldn’t forgive you now. Robb was so fucking stupid for hiring you in the first place. He was definitely going to fire you now. You wish you could punch yourself. If you had been more careful, this wouldn’t have happened. If you had been less slutty and flirty with everyone, this wouldn’t have happened.

You heard the door to the office click open. Your eyes landed on Robb who was holding his face. You quickly texted Jon one more time.

You: [Never mind. He’s here at the office. He knows. I think he’s going to fire me.]

Robb glanced your way before heading into his office. All was quiet save for Robb shuffling things around his desk. You stood there, waiting for your sealed fate. You took a step towards his office, but hesitated. Maybe he needed space.

“So you know,” Robb said from his office, breaking the silence.

“I know?”

“Viz texted me this morning. He sent me threats,” Robb explained. “He’s at Roose Bolton’s office. I think him and Ramsay are working together on this one.”

“They’re not,” you corrected. “Ramsay’s on our side.” Robb walked out of his office with a scowl on his face. He closed his eyes and exhaled.

“You know what? I don’t wanna know. I don’t care,” Robb continued gathering papers and looking through desks. “What we need to do now is call a lawyer.”

“Okay! Great! Let’s call him!” You clapped. Robb slowly blinked.

“I’m looking for his card. I don’t have his number on my phone,” Robb pushed past you. He went into Sansa’s desk and looked through her contacts on her computer. You sat at your own computer and started to print out what you could. Your notes. Your articles. Anything that could help you now.

Your anxiety continued to pump through your veins. Why hasn’t he fired you yet? Why was he so angry that Ramsay was on your side? How were you going to make it through today?

“Oi! I’m here!” Renly greeted. Your anxiety was partly relieved to hear Renly’s voice. You sighed and turned to see your mutual friend. “We’re getting sued?”

“Yes. Viserys threatened us this morning. I’m trying to call the family lawyer, but I can’t find his number.”

“Did you talk to Jon?” Renly asked. “Didn’t he need Petyr last month for—why are you looking at me like that?” Robb glared at Renly. His hands gripped tight at the pile of paper he had in his hand.

“Yes. I tried to talk to Jon. I went over to his apartment. He was busy,” Robb glared at you for a moment, but then let it go. He slammed down the pile of papers and returned to his office. Renly looked at you and inched closer.

“What happened?” Renly whispered.

“Jon and I were…kissing when he saw us,” you bit your lip.

“Oh. That kind of busy,” Renly continued whispering. “Are you okay? You looked freaked out.”

“Oh? Oh. No, no, no. I’m fine. I’m fine,” you said.

“You’re speaking too fast. You’re not okay. What happened?” The anxiety built up slowly over time, but it only got worse. Your self-loathing voice spoke louder than everyone in the quiet room.

You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. You were so stupid. It just kept repeating and repeating. Your wet eyes and short breath gave you away. Now, you looked weak.

“Hey,” Robb snapped his fingers in your face. “I’m not going to fire you.”

“What?”

“I’m not going to fire you. Just help me find Petyr’s phone number, alright? Start with that.” You eyed Sansa’s computer again. For a social media influencer, she was very responsible. You darted towards her clean, IKEA-bought desk and searched through her contact list once more.

You hadn’t met Robb’s eldest sister yet, but you had a feeling you would like her. She had pictures of her friends and family all over her desk. One picture caught your eye. Her, Jon, and Robb all together in a silly photo booth. Robb and Jon made a moustache with Sansa’s bright red hair. All three of them were laughing.

And here you are, watching a very upset Robb scrambling to get everything together.

You didn’t see your boss. You didn’t see a potential boyfriend. You just saw Robb trying to keep it together while he spoke with his father on the phone.

“I know. I know!” Robb stressed. “Do you think I care? Jon punched me today. How about that for problem child huh?”

You came into this family, this city, and ruined everything. Jon and Robb were brothers, now they were fighting. Ramsay couldn’t chase his dreams anymore. Viserys was losing his career. All because of you.

The realization didn’t hit as hard as a ton of bricks. You made a soft ‘oh’ sound, and turned back to Sansa’s computer. Renly had noticed.

While scrolling through once more, you saw a weird nickname: LF

“Littlefinger?” you said quietly to yourself. You clicked on his name to see Petyr Baelish’s face, phone number, address, and work emails. Bingo. Robb ducked into his office again as he argued with his father on the phone. You quickly printed out the contact information and left it on Robb’s closed door.

You wiped away the tears in your eyes as you headed out the door.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Renly asked. His knitted eyebrows told you everything.

“I can’t be here. I’ve ruined everything. I think I should just go,” you confessed. Renly put his hand on your shoulder.

“Do what you have to do, ok? Take care of yourself first. Never mind Robb. He can be an ass sometimes,” Renly patted you. Both of you heard another rise from Robb. Something crashed and Robb yelled a very loud ‘Fuck!’ in his office. Renly hugged you goodbye, and you left the office.

It was a short ride home considering the day you had. After receiving texts from Jon and Ramsay, you just flat out turned off your phone. The world needed to be quieter for just a moment. You needed to think.

When you opened the door to your apartment, you found a calm Margaery sitting on your couch. She immediately ran up to you with a warm embrace and a cup of chamomile tea. She kissed your head and you felt your anxiety melting away into nothing.

“So, you had a shit day,” Margie half-smiled. “Do you need to talk about it?”

“I think I realized something,” you said quietly. “I came to this city to live with you and get out of my parents’ space, right?”

“Yeah! And its been so much fun!” Margie patted your knee. “I love having you here. Loras loves having you here. And of course, the men—

“I’ve hurt people,” you interrupted. “I’m having fun, but I’ve hurt people. Did you now that Jon punched Robb over me? That’s what Robb said. Ramsay? He has to work a straight job now because of me.”

“You don’t know that,” Margie sat closer to you. “Nobody knows who kicked out Ramsay’s band, ok? That’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, but what if I wasn’t here? Robb’s magazine wouldn’t be in the shit hole. Ramsay would still have a band. Viserys would still have a career. The Stark brothers wouldn’t be fighting—

“Whoa. Listen to me. Viserys is an asshole. Who cares about him? Not everything is your fault. Stop doing this to yourself.”

“You ended up in the hospital and I ignored it for a boy, Margaery,” you put your face in your hands. All of the words pouring out made your chest tight.

“And I forgave you! It’s fine! Really! You’re scaring me. What’s going on with you?” Margie stressed her last sentence to you. You had enough.

“I think I need to move back home,” you confessed. “I ruined everyone’s lives here. I don’t belong here. I need to go back home.”

Note to Self: Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written It’s plain to see That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions Would you agree?

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artgirllullaby · 6 years ago

Text

The truth below this... “me”

So another year huh? And all I did was… mostly be absent.

Come on, I think by this point every single one out there who follow me noticed, either you’re close, far, if you follow for my work, fanfics, or whatever, you saw that last year I did pretty much… nothing.

That comes partially from procrastination, I won’t lie, but… There’s a whole lot that was happening that I kept out to very few, and when I say this I mean that even my parents, brothers and best friends didn’t know some stuff. Only recently I got better to get in contact and talk it out to them and say all the good and the horrible that had been on my mind.

And while I know most want to share the good that happened in 2018, I need to say it wasn’t that good year for me, and to get it out, I want to say it all out and be honest. Then I know there’s nothing I need to hide or be scared of sharing because… if there’s to be known, it’s just to click to read.

That’s why I’m writing this. And because of of the stuff here is very sensible and can be triggering to some, I’m putting on the below. So… avoid the triggers by reading the tags if you have any of them, and if you do but still wish to know how I am, feel free to contact me, ok? I assure things are better now, but if you need a bit more of ease, I don’t mind doing so.

If you decide not to read, just know It’s been a very hard thing on me, but I’m getting better and I’m taking care and getting help and trying my best to keep my hopes and myself up. I’m thankful you cared to read this and I understand if you can’t read any further because of the tags. Thank for considering yourself too and not taking a hit “for my sake”, it makes me actually happy that you consider putting yourself in the position to know where your limits are and to know you can’t go further. Proud of you, little one. If you feel like, don’t think twice before hitting my ask or inbox, ok? Hugs, thanks for being here still.

#personal #me #lullytalks #venting #anxiety #depression #stress #mentalinstability #TW #twseflharming #twsuicide #twanxiety #twdepression #twstress #twgad #twdd #triggering #Triggerwarning

For you who decided to click the button to continue reading anyway, Please remember I’m writing this at once and also that you’re free to stop at any signals of discomfort, unease or triggers. Thank you for taking time to read this anyways.

2018 had been many things, it had been fun and tiring and stressful, and even enjoyable for a bit. But as many other stuff in life, when silence keeps to long it can be taken as a bad omen to bad happenings.

If you ever played Jenga, then you know how it works; if you don’t, it’s basically taking a piece on the base and putting on top and hoping that it doesn’t break down in your turn. Which in the game is fun because you have to think over your decision to what piece to move and not move the tower and the pressure you have makes it fun… In real life? makes you wonder “why one takes the weight in the base of a structure to move to the top if that overweights the top which will obviously make the project/structure fail because the base cannot hold that weight and so it will go down eventually?!”

And well, that was my in 2018, a whole big game of Jenga in which my life are the pieces, and people around me are players as me and the game is ok to everyone but me.

Some of you know, I had a co-worker who had been basically unbearable to work with from the moment she found herself pregnant, and by the law the company can’t fire her until her baby is born and a bit older (around 6-7 months older she gets the licensed and secured), and so after her time secured was over the company did fire her because of her behaviour borderline toxic/abusive toward others. Things finally where getting a bit better with the substitute and things going better in company.

I had been having difficulties with my mother, who has becoming more controlling and hovering over me. If wasn’t enough our communication that was bad begins to go to ruin to worse, rotting to the point I’m back to when I was 15 and I saw her as a stranger. I try to change and get closer. Here is the funny thing about relationships, if doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a lover, your soulmate, your husband, your sister, your parent, your cousin, your godmother, your father-in-law or whatever that person means to you, as an universal law, it takes both parts and effort to make it work and flow.

And there I was, trying to arrange something we do, we try to speak, to voice out things that hurt and annoys me for us to change for better, because that’s how it should work. One speaks, the other listen, then it’s their turn and so after both saying their sides they try to come in a middle term or a point they can agree on to live better and no one is bitter over the matter.

But that was not what happens. Mom takes the cards I lay on the table and use against me, she takes things on the past against me, she flips the table and now she’s being accused and she’s the victim and I’m the one who’s blind to see how hard she tries to make us all happy and ungrateful, on how I keep pulling distance and I stop talking and avoid talking. I’m the one who doesn’t know she gave up her college, to work and make an career on her own, that father comes tired and deserves to rest for working hard everyday to never miss anything at home, and that she has to bare my sister OCD and ADHD while I’m not there, that she has to keep the house well and do everything… And so, yet again, my voice is cut. I lose courage, my anxiety rises, and I’m afraid of saying anything to anyone, I’m afraid to be a burden, to bother anyone.

I laid on bed that night in silence as I stare at the blank wall and listen to whatever music is on my playlist. Because I know, I fucking know how much their lives could be different for a number of factors, one of them being the fact if I wasn’t born on the worst timing as I did, I know in numbers how much that could have changed, even if my father makes sure to assure me it’s nothing he regrets or I did wrong, I know it wasn’t planned and I know too, it could have changed everything.

Piece moved by mother, my turn is skipped. The player can’t play with shaking hands.

The temporary at work was dismissed, not because someone was finally contracted, but because the boss thought we could do without it. Now, how a company survive without it finances department? Yep, it doesn’t. So they pick someone they think they can reply on to do the job, and then guess what? There I am. Working with numbers and money and it’s stressing more and more since I really didn’t applied for this and it does make me nervous. Then I find a list of mistakes the temporary left and I have to fix, plus more work… and meanwhile I am doing that, my own work papers are there waiting in my table just piling up to the moment I finish up and go do them. Which makes me more stressed, because as long I take to do them, the rest of office needs to wait to keep the workflow. So there I am, working for two, being paid for one, getting some extra hours, and getting exhausted.

My boss moves another piece.

Therapist notice I’m getting more stressed, and things had been getting me easier and some triggers are getting back. I’m getting more and more unstable. She makes some tests and takes another look on my whole history with her on the last 2 years, she also takes a look on my medication and notice there was a change for a higher dose, and now it’s twice a day. She’s worried, she tell my parents to show up and talks to my father (cause mother didn’t show up - a piece of my Jenga went missing), only after a few more sessions she gives me a diagnosis: GAD, aka Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I’m not progressing in my treatment, in fact, with everything going on with me, I got worse and instead of moving to eventually not need therapy, I need the sessions now more than ever.

My mind moves a base piece, the tower balance a bit.

Things continue going on, everyday begins to be harder and I find myself more tired. Sometimes I get home from work and just take a bath and sleep. I’m missing my appetite, I’m slowly cutting ties with friends and stop talking to them or most of them and taking distance without anyone noticing. I hardly access social media for exceptional to check a thing around here or there. I begin to get anxiety when I try to write once again and begin to be ashamed on myself and my cycle of self-punishment for not being able to write any longer or often, nor I have courage to say anyone besides the therapist all that’s going on.

Even so I try to make an apology and explain at least the part that because I’m working by two and being too stressed and tried is sadly taking out on my creativity, many agree and support and decide to give me the space am I thankful for… Still the two people I considered dearly as readers hurt deeply as I come to known their true meaning. That they already disliked the story on the point it is, that I should have just put as finished and given up and stop writing, and then suddenly other people who I didn’t even know begin to say things on the back and… I just wonder what happened to the respect and honesty I had asked from the beginning. To see so much hate suddenly going out of nowhere was surely discouraging, and on the state I was, I was not only discouraged as I was intimidated to even think on continuing.

Next thing I know is that just as my originals, I am unable to open any of my fanfictions and work on them. I shake, I break down on tears, I get too nervous, I’m unable to concentrate, I begin to question if they were right and if everyone else was just sorry of pitying on me or if they just played along. Then all the files stay in there with the originals, blocked in my unstable mind unable to product anything worthy.

Unknown people move some pieces, the tower shakes.

...

A week can be such a long period of time for some things, and a short for another and sometimes, for the very same reasons. To be fair I still don’t know to say if was a quick or a slow week since there are blanks in my memory and I just have the impact ones. But one thing I can tell for sure, it was a hell of a week.

Monday begins with my mother waking me up and hurrying up to get ready, she still doesn't notice that I’m not well. I try my best to get ready fast as I can, I take my purse to get in the car and get a ride to go to therapy and then go work. I open the door, she already took the car out and look at me; I just have to climb and it will be fine.

She look to me, than take a turn and accelerates the car, so there’s no time for me to catch up. And I am left there with my hand on the door looking on the empty place where I could have climbed the car just by few seconds, but she couldn’t wait because her class was more important than my therapy session. Because her appointment was more important than me in that moment there.

Another piece goes missing.

I’m taken by such sudden sadness and hurt that I wasn’t able to stand or breathe, I stay in the couch for a bit, my sister offer to take me to the therapist in her way to college, I just shake my head. I find out I got no voice, not even strength to talk or even look at her, but she shrugs and go. I somehow make to the bed and lay in there, sleeping. It’s the first time in 3 years I miss a day of work - I didn’t miss even when got sick -, I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t eat, I don’t have water, I don’t go out the bed, I just stay in there and sleep or stare at the blank wall trying to understand what is the feeling inside me. My therapist text me and I lie saying I had a problem, but will show up later in the week.

The next event is after I am able to speak better again, which I’m not sure if was next afternoon or two days. I walk into my therapist office and then find out my health insurance decided to cut the therapy sessions I still had, they want the word of any other doctor saying I do need the therapy and I need to do that in every 3 months or they won’t allow me to continue my treatment. I try to argue with them and reason that I wouldn’t be going if wasn’t necessary, still they say it’s a new rule to everyone so no exceptions. I can’t go to therapy, nor my therapist can treat me out her office, to pay each session it’s out my reach and I already pay for health insurance that should and does cover my treatment, so these rules make absolutely no sense… All I know is that I need my other endocrinologist to give me permission to get treatment, even if there’s nothing to do with her, and the appointment I have is a month away.

Health takes a piece. The tower starts shifting.

I make a huge mistake at work. Because my head isn’t in place I misunderstand the information I am given and end up messing up part of the payment I needed to do. I paid the wrong provider, the other one who does need the payment is stuck and now the central need to find a way to locate the other guy because until the right provider gets the payment he are getting behind track. I get stuck the whole day stuck between fixing my mistake, calming the provider and having to listen silently my boss calling me angrily for a solution.

Work moves a piece. The tower is barely standing.

It takes the next day to put my paperwork in order. the problem of paying the wrong provider still on going, but seems on a way to solution, so I could take a bit of time to focus on getting the work flowing and laughing in a way to avoiding to cry.

Last day of the week, so I can take a bit of rest, I just need hang in there a little bit. Just a few more hours and I could be home so another piece could go missing.

As we get home, my mother gets out. She starts arguing with me and father, ordering we don’t even leave the car, cause my sister needs assistance. I immediately think of the worst as she just is learning to drive and than my father replies it’s not that big deal the car failed her. I am between angry and confused, angry for worrying for a minute that it was something dangerous, confused to why my mother is making such a fuss over the car simply failing on my sister trying to turn it on and making such a fuss on having my father go there.

Things begin to scalates as she raises her voice and begins to argue with him and she tries to calm her, only making her angrier and then threatening to make a scandal and break the car window if he didn’t go. And then changing her mind to do it if he didn’t get out and let her go alone and get out the car.

Neighbors were already starting to look, I was the only in home by them aside the two, tired, getting triggered by all the stress and situation, anxious and then… something snapped.

The tower fell down as I touched to move a piece.

Somehow I took my mother hand and said determined enough for her to get in the car that they both should go. That I wanted them out the house, out of my reach and out the house. She listened by some miracle and I got inside breaking down right after before blanking out.

August 13rd, 2018. I probably won’t ever forget this date. It was a friday, I can remember clearly because it I just had laughed on the irony that it was a friday 13rd and it was being so bad on me at work. It was night and the dog was around me as if he sensed something was wrong… or he just wanted to go for a walk.

Things are blank, as if for the moment I broke down I wasn’t really there, like wasn’t me in my body, or taking control, or too shocked and overwhelmed to notice anything and just let it move and do whatever my brain decided it was best to.

Now that I used Jenga example I find it as a perfect example to explain that blank moment. It’s the moment a player found themselves holding or just after placing the piece and everything comes tumbling down, there’s a paralyzing moment that everyone around stay still in shock watching the tower fall in a mix of wonder and confusion to move only after all the pieces stopped to fall, then you and others try to evaluate how it failed the strategy before picking the pieces around to put the Jenga together again for another round.

That was that blank moment, the moment of wonder and confusion, of complete loss in which I lose myself and the control to the point I don’t even remember how things happened exactly.

All I know is that suddenly I had a knife on my hand and was standing on my kitchen and looking on my other arm.

;

I took one breath, I had went to the kitchen and started to something to relief myself. I took a second breath, I decided to hurt myself because the punishment of all my wrongs seemed like a way to relief back then. I took a third breath, I was just about to cut myself; I don’t know if would be a deep cut on my wrist, arms, lightly or whatever, but definitely wasn’t a good thing that I was up to take hurting myself to that point, and worse, to have no idea on how far I would have gone if I just suddenly get back into my senses in that seconds. I took another breath, I put the knife back in the drawer and close it.

I start to cry again, but for another reason.

Because it had been 10 years. Ten fucking years I had celebrated and considered successful just to find it this demon back again on me. I’m not just depressed and anxious as I thought. I’m back to when I was 15, in this very same kitchen when I sat in the table with a knife on a hand and a bunch of mixed medicines on the other side as I watched the clock and decided when I would put the end.

I’m suicidal again.

;

It’s enough, and I’m done. I just… couldn’t. I put myself on bed, in a way of self-grounding, I decide I will not leave the bed for the next days or talk to anyone unless necessary. And I did well, because I seriously had no idea what I would be able to do if I left that bed in the state I was.

Only in the third day I speak to my closest friends about it all and get some relief, I listen to music to try keep my heart from failing me. I am unable to be back on me again for months, I get back on therapy. I get diagnosis that my depression got in the stage of Deep Depression and at this point, my therapist alone isn’t able to do much alone. I’m somewhere between trying to recover and accepting things are just as they are. She recommends me to get assistance in a group with my family and send to my father, I decide to give a try even if not giving much hope.

My father doesn’t receive the message. Therapist mistook for my mother number and sent to her, my mother dismiss the message and says it’s no big deal and I should not mind about it. I feel hurt she dismissed so easily without talking or even looking up to it, but on the other side I’m also accepting the fact she doesn’t take me as her daughter anymore. And little by little I realize that’s not just something from my mind, as she doesn’t talk that much with me, but with a friend she has with my age and often tries and offer help to her, and then there’s me there. I set in my mind I need to leave home so she can take the daughter she wants to adopt in, and because I need my own air.

My father realizes I’m not well and that my relationship with mother is going from bad to worse to even breaking. He tries to help, my therapist call her in once again to try warn her and tell her. She avoids and miss the meet ups just like a thief runs from the police, and I decide that if she’s not even trying at all, then I won’t either.

My medicine changes to twice a day, I’m still bad, but with therapy back I’m getting a bit better by the days. I decide to travel alone in my vacation to somewhere new and where I know no one and no one knows me.

So I find myself in Curitiba in December.

The city is pretty and with gentle people with smiles and colors around, or so I’ve seen. Maybe it was the feeling that I had space for myself, that I could take a breath and not worry about it. Which also led myself to taking a walk in the grass.

Bad things happened still, true, but to be sincerely? The worst has passed for now, other still to come and, it’s ok in a way. I’ll fall down and cry and be on the ground for a while as I need, and then take my time to recover and look up and be able to talk about too.

So it may had been I took a blind eye to the world and to the rest of you, but the truth is that I don’t. But it’s hard to discuss when there’s too much pain and hurt inside you. and as much it was egoist of me to focus on myself and turn my back to the world, sometimes is necessary. and I learned that now, sometimes it is necessary to be egoist in reason to get better and it’s ok, as long you do get better and know where are your principles.

Taking the trip made me realize that. It also make me realize that taking a time away for yourself, taking a bit to breathe is ok. That my absence in order to not hurt anyone else might have been a void, but was a void necessary for me. I needed to relearn that taking a time to walk on the grass, to look in the sky, take a breath, to look around and take a moment in life… to do any of that wouldn’t destroy the world or anyone else.

The world wouldn’t end because I needed a break. No one would die because I wasn’t able to finish or accomplish something as I wish, just as no one died so far. the one one who has been dying with all this it had been me, killing myself slowly inside out.

Now I do realize that. I’m still far from recovering, I do realize that and know very well, I still have depression episodes and anxiety attacks often, I’m still on a long way to say I’m alright. Maybe I’m never gonna be 100% fine or sane per say, maybe some part of me will always have anxiety and depression because of my brain or whatever but… I hope in that in my lowest moments I am able to look at this moment where Lullaby wrote this about the real me and I can remember to step down a bit.

I’m 25 now, I celebrated 10 years over giving up on suicide when I was 15, and after that… even if I still have suicidal traces for now and dealing with them, and even if I had a recent episode… I guess I can celebrate and count over again, so in ten year I can celebrate 2 times, right? This may be stupid and sound optimist but really… It’s just me trying to take the needle of good in the pile of garbage this all had been. Doesn’t erase the garbage and all it had been, just... trying to desperately find a little thing useful so I can say it wasn’t all Hell and throw it away like I did with my teenage years.

So this is it. I was absent and I’m recovering, right now I’m trying to get on track of writing and reading again. I am 25, diagnosed with Deep Depression, GAD, I have to take medicine to keep in control. I have to change jobs and hope to do soon. I try as much to listen and comfort everyone and make laughs because the last I want if to anyone else to feel the way I do.

And with that being said, I can breathe out and finally put the last year as it is: the past.

As I always say, let’s prepare for the bad and always hope for the best, and onwards to 2019. :)

#personal #me #lullytalks #venting #anxiety #depression #stress #mentalinstability #TW #twseflharming #twsuicide #twsuicidal #tw: suidice #tw: suicidal thoughs #twanxiety #twdepression #triggering #triggerwarning #triger warning

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leirathemartian · 7 years ago

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Am I too old for tag lists? :P

@raesand tagged me and I’m kind of in a procrastinating depression funk, so why not.

basics what’s your name ➔ Hayley do you have a nickname ➔ nope, although a lot of people call me Leira do you have a middle name ➔ mmm too much sharing do you like your name ➔ It’s ok do people often mispronounce your name ➔ No, but they almost always misspell it do you like the meaning of your name ➔ Well. The Anglo-Saxon meaning is pretty boring (”hay meadow”) but when I was a kid I was told/had a cross-stitch thing that said it meant “Lover of the sea” and I really like that. when is your birthday ➔ 11/22 how old are you ➔ 25 do you like your age ➔ Honestly, I don’t know. Every age has its pros and cons, I guess. I miss not being as stressed when I was a teenager, but I haaated high school. So, I don’t know. It’s stressful because I’m working on graduating and then I’ll have to get a job and be, like, a real adult and shit. what’s your zodiac sign ➔ Scorpio/Sagittarius cusp apparently

appearance what’s your hair colour ➔ Light brown/dark blonde is your current hair colour your natural hair colour ➔ Sort of, but the ends are bright blond do you dye your hair ➔ Yeah every so often I enjoy changing it up do you have natural highlights ➔ I did when my hair was long enough for it to absorb sun before I cut it off when was the last time you had a haircut ➔ A couple months. I need one, badly, lol what length is your hair right now ➔ Longish pixie do you have straight, wavy or curly hair ➔ Wavy/curly do you have frizzy hair ➔ 100%. It’s better than when it was long, though do you use a curling iron ➔ No do you use a hair straightener ➔ No do you braid your hair ➔ Sometimes. Used to all the time when it was long what’s your eye colour ➔ blue do your eyes change colour ➔ lol no

do you wear contacts ➔ Only when I’m dressed up/being active if so, do you use colour contacts or regular contacts ➔ Regular do you wear glasses ➔ Indeed do you have naturally long eyelashes ➔ Mmmm not really do you wear braces ➔ Nope do you have dimples ➔ Nope do you have moles ➔ All of them do you have outstanding cheekbones ➔ Lol no my face is too round to have outstanding features. I also have no chin. do you have freckles ➔ Yes indeedy do you have piercings ➔ 8, all in my ears. Two lobe piercings, helix, daith, tragus, flat. do you have tattoos ➔ Yup, I have a Water Tribe tattoo do you wear make up ➔ Occasionally do you paint your nails ➔ Yes, fairly often do you wear jewelry ➔ Well, I always wear earrings. Plus usually my wedding band and an ourobouros ring. are you happy with your height ➔ It’s fine personality would you consider yourself outgoing or shy ➔ Neither are you sarcastic ➔ It’s my love language what’s your biggest fear ➔ Failure. Also heights and snakes, which are my actual phobias. are you religious ➔ Not anymore do you get easily along with people ➔ Ehhh. Depends on the person. do you cry easily ➔ Sadly

school do you go to middle school ➔ No do you go to high school ➔ No do you go to a private school ➔ No are you home schooled ➔ I used to be have you graduated from school ➔ From many schools, lol. what grade are you in ➔ Errrr. 5th year PhD student so... 21st?

have you skipped a grade ➔ Yes, I skipped 7th grade. It was a bad idea, I wasn’t socially prepared for going to college early. have you been held back a grade ➔ No have you ever failed a class ➔ I got a C- the first time I took Fluid Mechanics, which is failing in grad school, although I maintain that was because of bad teaching, because when I retook it I easily got an A.

have you been sent to the principals office ➔ Homeschool doesn’t have principals :P

have you skipped school ➔ A lot in college/grad school, usually for mental health reasons have you cheated on a test ➔ Not that I can remember

family do you live with your biological parents ➔ dear god no not anymore do you get along with your parents ➔ Ehhh. My mom and I are good, but my dad still likes to try to control me. do you tell your parents everything ➔ Fuck no. do you have strict parents ➔ Yes.

do you have siblings ➔ Two brothers are you the oldest ➔ Yes. are you in the middle ➔ ... are you the youngest ➔ ... are all of your grandparents still alive ➔ No, one of my grandfathers is dead friendships do you have a best friend ➔ I do! Friends since we were 12. And my husband is up there too. do you have more than 10 friends ➔ I don’t think so, not close ones anyway. do you have at least 2 friends you can trust with your life ➔ Yeah, probably do you have a lot of guy friends, a lot of girl friends or equal girl and guy friends ➔ Mmmm.... slightly more women. do you text with your friends a lot ➔ Not particularly relationships what’s your relationship status ➔ Married have you ever been in love ➔ Quite a lot do you believe in love at first sight ➔ I love all animals at first sight :P

have you ever been in a relationship ➔ Am in one, lol have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ I don’t think so. Been one, though. have you ever been asked out on a date ➔ Yup!

have you ever been kissed ➔ Yes have you ever made out with someone ➔ Yes have you ever been cheated on ➔ Also yes, he was an asshole have you ever been proposed to ➔ Yes do you want to get married ➔ I’d hope so, since I am do you want kids ➔ Eventually, once I have a real job country where were you born ➔ USA where do you live right now ➔ USA have you ever been out of the country ➔ Not as much as I’d like but yes. do you prefer country or city ➔ Country do you like sightseeing ➔ Haha yes, I am unashamed that I enjoy being a tourist is one or more of your parents from another country ➔ No what places would you like to visit ➔ I’d like to go back to Scotland/Ireland. Also Iceland, Sweden, Thailand, South Korea, Greece, .... etc. are you fluent in more than one language ➔ Sadly, no. what languages can you speak ➔ English and I still retain enough Spanish to say hi to someone/read signs. Same with French. I know a tiny bit of Swedish.

health do you have any allergies ➔ No are you lactose intolerant ➔ Slightly. I have IBS and sometimes it’s a trigger. IT depends on the amount. have you had surgery ➔ Fix a broken elbow, another to fix a deviated septum have you had stitches ➔ Not that I can remember have you broken a bone ➔ Said elbow has someone close to you died of a disease ➔ My grandfather died of cancer do you exercise a lot ➔ Hahahahaha no. I used to LARP/do archery, but sadly drama ruined that for me. I also many moons ago rode horses (and owned them!) but now I’m poor. experiences have you ever had a near death experience ➔ No have you ever been on a plane ➔ Yup quite a lot have you ever had an allnighter ➔ God no. I need a lot of sleep. have you ever been to school/work after a sleepless night ➔ Yeah have you ever been in a physical fight ➔ See above re LARP. We literally hit each other for fun. Also, used to do Muay Thai. have you ever been to a wedding ➔ Yes, including my own, lol. have you ever been to a funeral ➔ Yes have you ever lived in a different country ➔ Maybe one day have you ever been drunk ➔ Ugh yes. Lately every time it gives me a migraine, though. have you ever been trick or treating ➔ Yes, I miss being a kid and so that wasn’t weird. :’D have you ever been in a school play ➔ Yes, I was a theater kid in high school have you ever been to a camp ➔ Horseback riding camp have you ever driven a car ➔ Own one, so quite often skills how many languages are you fluent in ➔ One have you ever read a book in another language ➔ Does Beowulf count? can you roll your tongue ➔ Yes can you braid hair ➔ Yes. Regular, french, dutch, and fishtail. can you do a handstand ➔ Haha no, I’m fat and unathletic. habits do you crack your knuckles ➔ Mhm do you bite your nails ➔ You caught me doing it right now do you bite your lips ➔ Sometimes, I’m an anxious biter/skin picker

favourites

what’s your favourite movie ➔ Hmmmm. I honestly don’t know. Star Wars is up there. what’s your favourite tv show ➔ Avatar, Parks and Rec, Steven Universe, House what’s your favourite book ➔ Hahahahahaha I have like, no joking, 50 favorite books. It would be easier to do favorite authors: N.K. Jemisin, Ann Leckie, Tolkien, Robert Jordan, Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Jacqueline Carey, Brandon Sanderson, Douglas Adams, Robin Hobb, Margaret Atwood... ok I’ll stop there. I’ll put it this way. I regularly read 150-200 books a year so there’s a lot I like. what’s your favourite song ➔ I don’t really have one, I guess. what’s your favourite colour ➔ Purples/blues what’s your favourite animal ➔ Catsssss what’s your favourite season ➔ Autumn!

this or that summer or winter ➔ Winter, I love the cold and hate the heat. It’s miserable right now and humid as fuck.

day or night ➔ Ehhh I mean I’m always exhausted so. Neither :P cats or dogs ➔ Cats but I also love dogs. rain or shine ➔ A balance of both. coffee or tea ➔ Coffee. Black. reading or writing ➔ See above re reading 200 books a year. Lol. I mostly associate writing with work. humorous or serious ➔ Humorous, especially with TV

brown or blue eyes ➔ Idk eyes are pretty

single or group dates ➔ Meh kind of over dates. I’d rather hang out with friends and play board games. texts or calls ➔ Texts. Calls exacerbate my anxiety. driving or walking ➔ Driving. I’m lazy. last

last phone call ➔ My vet checking on my cat, who has a cold. Lol. last text ➔ My dad asking me to come down tomorrow last song you listened to ➔ Something from the Star Wars soundtrack last thing you ate ➔ Chicken curry. last thing you drank ➔ Water. I’m boring. last purchase ➔ Chips and dip last time you cleaned your room ➔ Couple days ago, I guess?

People to Tag I have no idea, lol

#tagged thingy #kinda fun #I guess I'm terse

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fionnfanatics · 7 years ago

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Request: Hi! I love your imagines so so much!! Can you make one where the whole cast doesn’t like y/n, but doesn’t know she has extreme anxiety. And Tom Glynn-Carney is the only one who understands her bc he’s her brother and it’s all cute and fluff? Thank you in advance babes!! Xo

——————

They hated you.

At least, that’s what you had convinced yourself after your first awkward meeting with some of Tom’s cast mates for Dunkirk.

You’ve struggled with social anxiety for practically your whole life. Your brother always tried to help you with it, slowly forcing you into situations that made you anxious so you could become more comfortable.

He thought you were ready to meet his cast mates, but you had completely froze up in front of them. You could tell they were confused, sharing looks with each other and trying to start a conversation with you. When it failed, they gave up and just kind of ignored you.

Now you were about to meet them again at Tom’s request, and all last night and this morning you’ve been having anxiety. You hid it from Tom, knowing how much he wanted you to get along with his mates.

So here you were, awkwardly sitting at a table with the boys as they all joked around. They had said some greetings when you got there, but otherwise hadn’t said a word to you.

Tom was sending you glances every so often, trying to get you to join in. But what he didn’t know was that you were feeling extremely anxious, a lump had already formed in your throat.

Even if you wanted to, you weren’t going to be able to speak.

When Tom left the room for a quick phone call, you felt your heart begin to race. The guys continued on chatting, completely ignoring you.

Well, almost all of them.

Fionn was reading your silence the wrong way. He thought you hated them, and he couldn’t understand why since you’d never taken the time to get to know them. So being the impulsive person he is, he spoke up.

“Jesus. Do you ever talk?” Fionn asked, voice tinged with irritation. All conversation stopped as the boys looked at Fionn in confusion, before following his line of sight to you.

“I-”

“Do you think you’re better than us or something?” He continued, completely oblivious to the anxiety growing on your face.

“Fionn, mate, leave it.” Harry called gently, recognition flickering in his eyes as he watched you begin to tremble. He could see the anxiety building, he was actually surprised he hadn’t recognized this before. Gemma had anxiety when she was younger, so he finally understood what was going on.

“I mean we’ve tried to be nice to you, and all we get is this stuck up little attitude. You could at least try.” Fionn ignored Harry, staring directly at you. You couldn’t see him though, for your vision had gone blurry at the start of your attack.

“I can’t- Tom.” You tried to get the words out, but your throat closed off as your chest heaved for breath.

“Shit!” Harry murmured, jumping out of his chair and darting out of the room to find Tom. The boys started in confusion, before looking back at you.

“Y/N, are ye alrigh’?” Jack asked, but his words were all distorted to you.

Your hands came up over your face, rocking slightly in your chair as you tried to get a grip on reality. You were gasping for breath, that claustrophobic feeling coming over you.

You needed Tom right now, he’s the only one who could calm you when an attack got this bad.

“Y/N?” A voice broke through your racing thoughts. “What the hell did you guys do to her?” Your brother sounded angry, but you didn’t care at the moment.

“I just wanted to know why she never talks to us.” Fionn spoke up, watching you worriedly. He had no idea what was going on.

“She has severe social anxiety, you arse!” Tom exclaimed, kneeling down in front of you and placing his hands on your knees. “Y/N? Can you hear me?”

You nodded against you hands, causing him to reach up and pull them away. There were tears streaming down your cheeks, causing your vision to be even more blurry. You could just make out his outline in front of you.

“Oh sweetie.” Tom sighed, frowning at your state. It had been a while since he’d seen you this bad, it broke his heart.

“T-Tommy I c-can’t-”

“Shh, I know.” Tom gently cut you off, thumb rubbing against your knee soothingly. “I need you to take some deep breaths for me, can you do that?” He asked, maintaining eye contact and touch with you. He knew those two things, as well as sound were what brought you out of your attacks. “Slow down your breathing sis, your gonna make yourself faint.”

“S-s-sorry.” You stuttered out, trying to regulate your breathing.

“Don’t apologize, I know you can’t control it. Just keep taking deep breaths, ok? Just watch my chest, c'mon Y/N. Good, just like that! Good girl, keep taking those breaths.” He pulled you off the chair and into his lap, giving you the comfort you needed.

He rocked you in his arms gently, humming a quiet tune in your ear. It instantly calmed your racing heart, allowing you to relax into him.

“I’m sorry I made you come with me again. I knew something was wrong the first time, I just thought maybe things would go better this time. I shouldn’t have left you alone.” Tom whispered, running a hand through your hair.

“S'not y-your fault.” You mumbled against his chest, breathing finally becoming normal again.

“There’s my girl.” Tom said, pulling you away slightly so he could brush your tears away. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“It’s been building up since last night. I just, I don’t think they like me much, but I didn’t want to disappoint you cause I know they mean a lot to you.” You admitted, causing Tom to sigh. Right when he opened his mouth to speak, another voice cut him off.

“It’s not tha’ we don’ like ye Y/N, it’s tha’ we though’ ye didn’ like us.” Barry spoke up, causing you to glance at him timidly. He offered you a smile, calming your nerves.

“Tom talks about you all the time, so we were really excited to meet you. We were all kind of gutted that you didn’t talk to us. We thought you didn’t want to be here.” Aneurin explained, and suddenly you were starting to understand. They didn’t hate you at all.

“I wish I had figured it out sooner, Gemma had anxiety like this too. I should have recognized it last time.” Harry frowned, making you shake your head.

“It’s not any of your faults. I didn’t want Tom to tell anyone. I didn’t want you guys treating me differently because of it.” You admitted, causing all the boys to jump in surprise.

“Blimey, that’s tha most ye’ve ever said to us.” Jack teased, causing everyone except Fionn to laugh.

Fionn was watching you, a guilty look in his eyes. Your eyes caught with his for a moment, and you frowned.

“Fionn, it’s not-” The rest of your words were cut off as he strode towards you, pulling you into a hug.

You were stiff for a moment, before shyly returning the hug.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured, causing you to smile.

“It’s ok.”

“Group hug!” Barry exclaimed, jumping on top of you. All the other guys laughed, before slowly joining in.

“Uh, guys? I can’t breath.” Instantly everyone backed away, sheepish smiles on their faces.

“Alright, I think that’s enough excitement for one day. Let’s get you home sis.” Tom spoke, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

You nodded, waving a hand towards all the guys as you felt a wave of exhaustion come over you. The guys all said their goodbyes, allowing you to leave.

“Y/N?” Fionn spoke up as your brother and you were at the door, causing you to turn around. “You’ll come back, won’t you? We’d really like to get to know you.” The boys all nodded along with his words, smiles on their faces.

“Yeah, I’ll try again.” You replied, the smallest of smiles forming on your face. Tom squeezed your shoulder gently, smiling widely.

When you were out the door, Tom leant down slightly and pressed a kiss to your temple.

“I’m proud of you.” He told you, leading you out of the building.

“They’re not so bad.”

#tom glynn carney #tom glynn carney imagine #dunkirk #dunkirk imagine #tom x sister reader #tom glynn carney x sister reader #tom glynn carney x reader

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simsstuffmarie · 8 years ago

Text

100 Questions To Invade My Personal Life

I haven’t been tagged by anyone but I just thought I’d give it a go as I’m bored! Found this on @angelisims Simblr 😁

1. What's your middle name, and do you like it? My middle name is Marie and I do quite like it actually...it's pretty common lol

2. Are you artistic? Yeah I love doodling and just drawing random things occasionally

3. Have you had your first kiss? Duhhhhhh! I have a boyfriend!

4. What is your life goal? To be successful in my personal goals

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person? I met Princess Diana when I was little, and a few years ago when I was doing my family tree I found out that my 5th cousin is Michael Douglas lol

6. Do you play any sports? Only if sleeping is classed as a sport?!?!

7. What's your worst fear? Being unhappy and unsuccessful....oh and spiders and heights

8. Who's your biggest inspiration? Myself....never aspire to be anybody else because it will never make you happy

9. Do you have any cool talents? Not really....I can fit my fist in my mouth! Does that count?

10. are you a morning person? HELL NO!!!

11. How do you feel about pet names? Me and Will have them....so I don’t really care. I never really call people by their proper names anyway 12. Do you like to read? Yes. But I rarely get time to sit down with a good book without being interrupted by someone 13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. Grey's Anatomy - I’ve loved that show since episode one Band Of Brothers/ The Pacific - Just amazing True Blood - Yeassss Vampire Diaries - Ermmmmm....is their one member of that cast who isn’t hot?!

14. Do you care about your follower count?

I’m not overly obsessed with it, but it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling when I see I’ve got a new follower (love you all btw!!)

15. What's the best dream you've had?

I can’t really remember my dreams

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

I always kiss my girlfriends....not in a passionate way, just a little peck! Especially when we’ve been out for the night haha

17. Do you have any pets?

Not personally, but I treat my boyfriends' dog like he is mine

18. Are you religious?

Nope

19. Are you a people person?

I get a bit anxious and stressed out/ short tempered if there is a lot of people around in large crowds

20. Are you considered popular?

I don't think so..............

21. What is one of your bad habits?

Self-doubt

22. What's something that makes you feel vulnerable

Being around people who “look better” and are in better physical shape than me

23. What would you name your children?

Girl - Raynor Boy - Finn

24. Who's your celebrity crush?

Tom Hardy, Kellan Lutz, Charlie Hunnam, Shemar Moore, Jamie Dornan, Henry Cavill, Tyson Beckford.....I could actually go on forever!!

25. What's your best subject?

Human Biology, physiology and anatomy

26. Dogs or cats?

Both

27. Most-used social media besides Tumblr?

Facebook

28. Best friends name

Vikki, Hayley and Nikki

29. Who does your main family consist of?

Me, my mum and my older brother

30. Chocolate or sugar

Chocolate

31. Have you ever been on a date?

Several

32. Do you like rollercoasters?

Only if they have over-the-head supports....not just the lap bars

33. Can you swim?

Yes, but not very well

34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse?

My boyfriend and me actually always have this discussion and have it all worked out! There's an old prison near where we live and an abandoned army base just up the hill - and the town centre is only 10min walk away! Perfect!

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder

Anxiety - increasing at the moment.

36. Are your parents together?

Nope - divorced when I was really little

37. What's your favourite colour?

Any warm colour

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

ENGLAND!!!

39. Favourite singer?

P!NK, Adele, James Arthur

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

Nope

41. Do you like dresses?

Yeah, as long as it isn't too tight

42. Favourite song right now?

Thunder - Imagine Dragons Skin - Rag’n’Bone Man

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

No, if you’re old enough to do it, you should be mature enough to talk about it.

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

I was quite late starting. I was 15.

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

Yeah

46. Have you ever done yoga?

Yep

47. Are you a horror girl?

I don’t mind them, but they can all be quite similar

48. Are you good at giving advice?

Great at giving it. Crap at taking it!

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

My dad used to be in the army and we lived several places. When we lived in Cyprus we used to visit the old ruins and amphitheatre and there were loads of lizards that used to hide in the cracks of the old buildings. I decided I wanted one of them to take home so I grabbed hold of its tail, but it was stuck and I kept pulling and pulling and eventually the tail actually came off of the lizard! Immediately I started crying.

One Christmas 9also when we lived in Cyprus actually) I wanted snow on the Christmas tree, but we didn't have fake snow, so I decided to use my mum's expensive face cream and smothered the tree in cream.

The same Christmas, me and my brother woke up before my mum and dad and decided to “sneak” into the front room to open the presents. When we got to the front room door, the handle had been taken off the door and closed, so we decided to go around the back door, which was also locked. Then tried looking through the windows but they had put bin bags all over the windows and drawn the curtains. We went back in and decided to sit my the front room door until they woke up, but we fell asleep and they found us asleep by the door on the floor.

50. How are you doing today?

Yeah, I’m OK. Thanks for asking

51. Were you a cute kid?

Newborn - yea I think I was Toddler - I was cheeky Child - Scrawny Teen - awkward

52. Can you dance?

When I’ve had a drink

53. Is there anything you do that you can't remember ever not doing?

Breathing? Eating? Drinking?

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

Yeah quite a few times actually, just not for a long long time now

55. What colour are your eyes?

They change depending on my mood - green/blue/hazel/grey

56. What's your favourite animal?

Hedgehogs - I want one

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

All the time!!!

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

My mum and I are close (even though she annoys the hell out of me) But me and my dad not really because he left when I was young. We still always saw him, but it sometimes feels like I don't know him properly...IDK....

59. Do you have good friends?

The most amazing friends....

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

I know loads of different people...I don’t really label anyone. If you’re decent to me then I’m cool with you...

61. What's your favourite class?

I don’t really have class at university....

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

Love Island, Big Brother, OITNB, Sons Of Anarchy, Prison Break, Benidorm, Grey’s Anatomy

63. Are you organised?

I try to be

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

Split....it was actually quite good

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

I have no clue

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Finances

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

Travelling the world

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

Nothing....because every decision I made before has made me who I am now

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

I don’t care if nobody judges me

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

Nothing

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Definitely

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

Today

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

My bed

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

I got off my arse and got myself into university

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

Everything! Nurse, Air Hostess, Vet, Super Model, Ballerina, Solider, Farmer, Roman, Pop Star, Barbie, Nightclub Owner, Architect, Interior Designer.....

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

Nothing...because real friends and family support you no matter what.

79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

That's really personal and I don’t wanna talk about it.....sorry.....

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Finish my degree, get a job, buy my own house, get married and have children

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

Skinny

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

Seeing new things, trying new food, living!

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

Same as above - maybe invest half of it and buy a new house and treats for my closest

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

Future - there is no point in trying to change the past as it got you to the place you are now....Live and Learn

85. What motivates you to succeed?

My family, friends and boyfriend

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

It was an awful nightmare - about my brother and mum being murdered in front of me

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

The woods - because it's peaceful

88. Do you believe in life after death

Yes

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

They all thought I’d fail. Love proving people wrong. It makes me fight for everything

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

Living in Cyprus

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

My Grandad - I miss the old grumps

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

Some of these really beautiful videos about people helping in the time of need, really romantic marriage proposals, and probably my first ultrasound scan if I was pregnant

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

You need to make a decision for yourself. Never be pressurised into it. It may be a tough one to start with and it will probably make you cry for years and years to come. But somewhere it was the right decision for you.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

Life carries on....

95. What would you do if you could be invisible?

Sneak into loads of celebrities houses because I’m nosey

96. What's something you can't do no matter how hard you try?

Roll my tongue and roll my R’s

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

Nope - they'd be perfect no matter what

98. How did your first crush develop?

Not very well lol

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

Anxiousness and regret

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

At the moment I just exist - but I’m trying to live

I’d like to nominate people, but it is actually really long, and took me forever to do. So if you fancy doing it, just tag me because I’d love to read them all.

#nonsims #personal #100 questions

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adlerianfrog-blog · 6 years ago

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A Family in Crisis

June 2017 Family Systems Studies

This is a graduate studies self-reflection presentation in partial fulfillment for Masters of Fine Art in Psychology with an emphasis in family systems and Marriage and Family Therapist licensure.

This was the life I started with.

Family System Genogram Reflection

Section One

Index Person (IP) is a 45-year-old, twice divorced mixed race male. IP is a decorated combat veteran. IP served with the US Navy from 1991-2010. IP has **six combat deployments as a Navy SEAL, his final combat deployment was OEF-1 in Afghanistan (Dec 2001-July 2002). (**Every deployment a Navy SEAL makes is a combat deployment)

At the time of this writing, IP is presently attending graduate school. IP states he is of mixed ethnic descent. IP does not know his actual birth date. He stated that in an early childhood recollection, he asked his mother when his birthday was and she said, “When would you like your birthday to be?” IP states “I said”, “Today!” and per him, his mother smiled and said, “Voila! Today is your birthday!” IP states that “Finding my birth certificate was impossible.” IP states, “The state of Georgia issued me a replacement based on the information the state of Kentucky provided, which was provided to them by me or the child protective services social worker.”

Per the Index Person this typified his style of life and movement. He stated that this was “Circularity defined; I found out on October 6th, 1975/6/7 that my birthday was, October 6th and per my birth certificate, I was born in 1971 on Oct. 6th.” IP experienced abandonment by biological father, a forced cut off, pseudo abandonment from mother due to court system involvement. Client states “I do not know my biological father or his family system.” And that “I know very little about my family of origin.” Client states he is cut off from adopted family as well. Client has three children from first marriage to T.W. (46). Daughter (16), Son (13), Son (11). Client’s children have lived on the east coast with their mother and her second husband since moving away four years ago. IP’s kids visit during 2 ½ month summer breaks and holiday breaks if budget supports travel expenses.

Attachment Prefracture

IP states he was born in 1971 in Tifton, GA. IP states “I lived on the streets; homeless; for the first six years of my life.” Index Person states from birth until approx. 1977 “I didn’t know that my life experience was any different than anyone else. We spent a lot of time on the road. Hitchhiking, sleeping under cars. Stealing food to survive.”

IP states, “As I think back to my earliest childhood recollections I remember being adored. I remember my mother singing to me and how her eyes would light up with delight as I would sing along with and eventually to her.” IP describes his family of origin She was educated at Julliard in New York City. Per IP, the name of his mother is Mary Elizabeth Catron. IP states that he has two half-brothers. D.G. (62, Married, 2 daughters), R.G. (58,Married, 1 daughter). Mary Catron (deceased 1987) is the daughter of Mr. James Catron (deceased), a minister and Family Medicine Dr. who died at the age of 56 of congestive heart failure and Alberta Catron (deceased), an English school teacher died at the age of 92.

Mrs. Catron had a brother, Jimmy (deceased), who was disabled with cerebral palsey from a breached delivery at birth. Client states “I absolutely know that I was loved very much by my mother.” And that “While she absolutely loved me, took care of me as best she could, per the social norms of the day, my mother was not a good mother.” Client presents tearful demeanor with deep sadness emerging. Client states “She had difficulty in finding and keeping work; Providing a stable home environment proved to be the hardest thing for my mother to do; Ultimately that ended up as the reason that her rights as my only known parent were forever stripped 41 years ago.

Attachment Fracture

From the age of 6 until 9 Index Person states he was a “ward of the state.” He “quickly transitioned from unstable living situation with my mother to a more stable environment, a solidly middle class lifestyle awaited me.” Per IP “In 1977 the efforts that were made to help children like me were more than likely personality driven and community values oriented.” He further states that, “the decision was made to strip my mother of her parental rights because of our living situation.” Client states “the relationship was broken with my mother; My one and only caregiver.”

Per Mr. Surmont, “The relationships that I did have were remarkable in that I came out ‘pretty much unscathed’. I wasn’t damaged by not having enough clothes or toys or even a place to call home. The damage was the termination of my relationship with my mother. The forced “cut-off” has had a psychic effect on my that has and will continue to ripple and echoes across generations of lives. That’s been the source of damage for affecting me into my present-day life.”

The literature speaks to the importance of validation and empathy when working with trauma survivors. “We must appreciate the adaptive & resilient strategies developed by families who are not part of privileged groups in our society.” (McGoldrick, 2016)

Per Mr. Surmont, “I’m continuing to deepen my own understandings and meanings into the importance, value and worth of intact relationships. My attitude is that relationships are critical to survival. Cut-off relationships make it difficult to survive be free and live well. At 45 years of age, I reflect that the decision that day to cut-off my relationship with my mother, my only known parent, “baked in” a certain set of beliefs. I’m sorting out what that means to me, my world and my future. Part of me believes that it has served me incredibly well. Someplace deeper I feel a deep hurt and am leaning in to understand it and how best to learn from it.”

Attachment Instability

The early part of Mr. Surmont’s life involved instability from the perspective of environment and basic physical needs. Mr. Surmont believes that his emotional and developmental needs were met very well and his basic physical needs were minimally met. The abrupt cut off from his mother of his family of origin caused a culminating trauma that as of the date of cut-off “all experiences before were bad.” Mr. Surmont has experienced a pattern of extremes of insufficient care as well as social neglect, rearing under unusual settings that severely limit the child’s ability to develop. Per the Index Person, “the court viewed my mother as broken and damaged. They sent the message to me that my experiences with her were averse to my health and well-being. “Adverse Childhood Experiences; i.e., nonaccepting childhood environments can be lifelong burdens.”

Client was removed from his mother’s care. Became a ward of the state. Six foster homes in 3 years. Approx. Ages 6 – 9.

1976 Smith’s: (Western Kentucky) Mormon family. Working farm family. IP: Loved this family”. 9 children. IP was the 10th. inherited 99-acre farm in Utah. Couldn’t get permission to take me from state. said goodbye; moved away; IP moved on.

1977 Hall’s: (Mercer County Kentucky) Auto Mechanic. Stay at home mom. 4 children. IP was the 5th. IP asked to leave due to CSA. IP moved on.

1978 Dibble’s: (Barbourville, KY) College Professor. Homemaker. No children. IP was the 1st and only. IP was caught smoking. IP was told “IP wasn’t good enough to be their son.” IP moved on.

1978 Barnett’s: (Corbin, KY) Small Business Owner’s. 2 boys. IP “Loved this family.” The Mackey family asked if IP could live with them they were thinking of adopting. The Barnett’s said ok. IP moved on.

1978-1979 Mackey’s: (Corbin, KY) Owner and Provider of Family Optometry practice. 4 Children. IP “Loved this family” too. They decided to adopt him. The Surmont family asked Mackey’s to allow them to consider adopting IP. Surmont family promised to “stay home” and work with IP. Initially very happy with the Surmont family. IP said thank you to the Mackey’s, IP kept in touch with Mackey’s throughout his life. But IP moved on.

1980 Surmont’s: (Corbin, KY) Both Parents worked in their family owned and operated business. 3 Daughters. They adopted IP. Eventually IP moved on from the Surmont's as well.

Per Mr. Surmont, “Family "alliance patterns" may pose an additional, separate, unseen and potentially difficult set of obstacles impacting, impairing or even interfering with an adopted child’s ability to successfully integrate and attach within the family system that selected the child for integration into the family in the first place; this experience rife with mixed messages; possibly described as an "outsiders effect" does shape views of self, world and future; it may not be obvious in situ that these individuals may be encountering burdens such as additional unseen or unknown horizontal anxieties; as well as additional vertical anxieties inevitably transmitted throughout the family system.

What most people miss is this child must contend with two family systems - not one. And the biological family system the child is coming from maybe dying or going extinct - a true death in my mind. The life and developmental stage of the adopted child is a factor; children adopted beyond age of 5 have life experiences that must be honored by the adopting family to develop, incorporate and hold to produce existential meanings for the child to age appropriately integrate and hold BOTH old and new family system membership narratives.

If the integrating family does not encourage and foster this type of acceptance and inclusion into the family alliance the child must incorporate resilient survival strategies or avoid altogether which fundamentally compromises the child’s sense of self by having to choose the integrating family system over the birth family system all in the context of family integration; ultimately and predictably causing additional burdens to simply survive and be seen by others as equal; The child (in this case me) is left with unseen burdens and with no understanding with which to cope.”

Failure to Attach

In 1981 IP was adopted by the Surmont family. S.S. (66) and B.S. (66), small business owners and parents to three daughters, S.P(45, Divorced, 1 daughter), S.J. (43, Married, 1 daughter, 1 son), B.W. (41, Married, 1 daughter). Mr. Surmont describes a series of experiences and ultimately the experience of his failure to be integrated into his adopted family alliance system.

IP states that his “late childhood and early adulthood. Not that much time with the Surmont’s but important period of my life developmentally. IP states he “learned lessons primarily through observation.” IP describes “never feeling welcome.” And that he “always felt like an outsider or an intruder.”

Per Mr. Surmont, the Surmont family’s interactions gave him insights into the world of family that he had never experienced before. He states that he “so much wanted to be accepted and included.”

Client also ran away from home at the age of 13.

Client describes that there has been little to no connection to them or with them from the beginning; client states “They did their best to keep up appearances.” Per IP, “Looking back on things now, the Surmont family didn’t have a good chance to successfully integrate me into their family system.” He describes feelings of helplessness and that “we were both set up to fail.” And that “Family Courts favor those with families.” is a truth he learned the “hard way”.

Per client, “because of his own personal experiences, he developed his own set of strategies.” “We must appreciate the adaptive & resilient strategies developed by families who are not part of privileged groups in our society.” (McGoldrick, 2016)

Client states that his “private logic had accepted that attachment stability and environmental stability were relative terms for me and mutually exclusive.” Client demonstrates dichotomistc either/or thinking informs that client has experienced severe attachment instability.

Client believes the Surmont Family made the best efforts they could. He states, “They didn’t know what to do.” Client finds himself wondering “what do I owe them?” Client states “At least they gave me the ability to “Hide in plain sight” as a member of a family as far as someone might ascertain with a cursory look.” Client continues to process blame or defending those adverse or traumatic relationship experiences. Client admits to experiencing new confrontational insights as he examines his genogram.

Client states, “I felt like I was on the trajectory for family alliance integration.” Mr. Surmont describes an event that happened when he was 10 years old, about six months after he was adopted, about a year into being with the family. IP states “everything changed after reporting an intimate touching incident I accidentally observed between two children one of the children of my new family sister and a neighborhood child who was one year older.” Per Mr. Surmont, “This report was not received well.” IP states that “The interfamily political winds of my intended integration into the Family were no more.” He believed that his role in the adopted family had shifted from “Oldest son, only son, carrier of family surname, big brother) soon after this incident, IP believes he became the adopting family’s “scapegoat”. Per IP, he “tried hard to enjoy and appreciate my childhood.”

Client is very appreciative of the environmental stability the adopting family provided. For client, “Things never quite felt right.”

Per Mr. Surmont, he worked very hard to push this sense of unease away. He tried to convince himself that he had no other past than that of his adopted family’s history. Client tried to convince himself that his family of origin history didn’t exist, was damaged, broken and not worth remembering.

Over time the superficial relationship with his adopted family system began to deteriorate and eventually die. IP states he “recently decided to allow it to die the death it deserves.”

Client shared what he called an encouraging mantra for him to repeat during his mindfulness practice. Mr. Surmont wrote the following phrase expressing his feelings of being unburdened by guilt and shame of his adopting family that contributed to many of his coping skills as well as other difficulties that exist as a facet of his life experiences.

“The cool healing waters of ancestry are finding me; rebinding me; flowing through me; Rising in me from the ashes of many deaths; My unbound identity binds unto its own lifespring, taking flight.”

- John Surmont, July 2017

References

McGoldrick, M. (2008). Genograms: Assessment and intervention. New York: Pearson.

McGoldrick, M., Preto, N. G., & Carter, B. (2016). Expanding Family Lifecycle, Individual,

Family, and Social Perspectives (5th ed.). New York: Pearson.

Surmont, J. S. (2017). Book Report: Hillbilly Elegy. Unpublished manuscript, The Chicago

School of Professional Psychology, MFA Clinical Psychology, MFT Specialization. J. D. (2016). Hillbilly elegy: a memoir of a family and culture in crisis. New York: Harper.

#adlerianfrog leadership veterans

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revol-lover · 4 years ago

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as i get older i think i’ve realized that i while i lean more towards identifying as an introvert, i think a lot of it is just bad social anxiety and underdeveloped social skills because like i seek connection with people almost desperately? but i just dont know how to obtain it or if i do i feel like i have a really hard time relating to people at times and i end up either keeping quiet in conversations because i dont know what to say or i end up word vomiting things that no one really wants to hear. like when i worked at my old job i was in this big room/office with like 7 other people and they’ve all have conversations with each other that i’d listen to while i worked, and sometimes id have something to add but i wouldnt because i was too shy/anxious to speak up but i desperately wanted to. i just couldnt. and i felt like by the time i left that job i knew them all so well (from listening to all the conversations around me) but only a couple ever really cracked through to me enough to know me a little. i think part of it is also from being bullied/singled out/being that ugly duckling that didnt have a lot of friends growing up. even as an adult who i think has “glowed” up in a physical sense (that sounds so stupid lmao but if you saw some pics of me in my preteen years youd agree. i needed help with grooming/doing my hair/dressing nice and i didnt have that maternal figure there to help me with any of that. it took a lot of years of being made fun before i figured out on my own how to deal with my curly hair and bad skin, etc) so even though i’m an adult now and i feel a little more confident i guess than i did back then, i still feel like people talk badly about me when i walk away from a room and it’s a hard thing to shake.

i dont know where i was going with this other then 2020 was going to be my year (there i go on this soapbox again lmao. ive talked about this so many times in the past 7 months but its a huge deal to me) to challenge myself socially. i have a very good friend, he’s probably my best friend aside from my husband and he and i have been tight since we were like 13. he’s my brother. and literally like two weeks before quarantine/covid all came crashing in i saw him and we had this insanely inspiring conversation about how we have both been in ruts and we wanted to take some risks. him, he wanted to travel and actually bit the bullet and planned this big trip to Asia with his friend, and myself, I really had been in this stay at home mom rut. i dont have any “mom” friends (well my friend just became a mom so that has changed but still) and my friend, made me realize that, thats ok. i dont necessarily need mom friends. i need to not forget who i am outside of motherhood. i need to find me again, to an extent. and we talked about it and, since goes out a lot (he doesnt have a hard time socializing like I do) he offered to be my accountability so to speak, and we were going to get me out of the house again. we were going to find things to do that could enrich me outside of motherhood. he even offered to watch julia so kevin and i could actually go out on a date sometime again (he is julia’s godfather). i was so excited. things were going to change. I WAS READY.

then booooooom corona lol. cancelled his trip. cancelled my plans.

but honestly. it made me realize, shit. i really did need that. i might have chickened out if corona didnt happen. but now i know that when this is over i have to do it. i have to get out there. i have to meet other human beings and connect. i need to stop sheltering myself in all the time.

i want connection. i want to meet other human beings. like minded ones but different ones too. i want to put myself out there. i want to be a friend to more people. i want older friends. i want younger friends. i want to dust off some of my old personal goals and actually achieve them, too.

#i also want to hug more #thats another rant lmaoooo

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mysecretgardenofflowers · 6 years ago

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September 28th Breakdown

This is a Twitter threat that I want to post in this blog. It took place on september 28th.

“As some people know, twitter used to be more like my personal diary, but that is because I grow up with this and with anything else, I mean, back then I felt like I has no one who I could trust. Similar of what I'm feeling right know, but this isn't something to feel sorry about”

“ I mean, if you know me and you read this, don't feel sorry for me, it's ok, this is how I'm feeling right now. And I need to express somehow how I'm feeling and what is happening not to everyone who knows me to feel like they have to approach to me and say something”

“ Instead of that I just want to write here in the same old way I did it when I was younger.”

“ I'm feeling the need of just talk about what I feel and what is happening what are my thoughts about, so I guess that here we go. If you are reading this I really appreciate this. I think this is going to be a long thread.”

“ So, first of all, the reason I'm writting this in english is because; I want to, and because I've always fantasized with a different me. I've pictured myself, in my mind, as someone who is very lovely and charismatic, so likeable, I know I'm not, but I've always pictured myself”...

... “as someone else. Someone perfect, pretty, with a lot of friends and a lot of love in my life. I know there have always been people who loved me, and people who were truly my friends, but by now I've been trough a lot that I have this thoughts in my head that don't allow me”...

... “to believe in what people say and I'm always wondering if they really mean every single nice thing that they say to me. Today I was talking to a friend, telling him how overwhelmed I'm feeling and he make a paused and I thought he was going to tell me that he was tired”...

... “of hear me say every single bad thing that I'm going trough, I thought that he was going to say that he didn't care about, and he was sick of it. At the end, he was not, he was about to tell me that he liked a girl. But I panicked, and I started to cry because” ...

... “I remembered how many times I've been said that they don't care about my problems, they weren't important at all.”

“ But going back to the point. I'm always fantasizing about what everyone thinks about me, how I look, how I behave, everything. And I always pictured myself as this really cool girl who speaks in english just as the girls on tv, the pretty ones, the ones who everyone loved.”

“ And I also thought that If I talked that way no one ever would be able to understand me there, was a kind of "secret" lenguage which will allow me to communicate and express myself in a free way. I felt like I could say anything because they won't understand.”

“ As time passed by, I realized that wasn't like that. But this lenguage always have been something to me.”

“ After that introduction, I just want to talk about this feeling of being overwhelmed by everything, and I mean it. I feel so overwhelmed because I found myself being so alone and feeling so lonely, and I know I have some friends a few, but at the end of the day I'm alone.”

“ I feel that I have no one to relay on. I reached the point of looking for friends of the internet, in a game. And I love them but it just feel empty, they can be gone anytime. And I don't really know them. I haven't seen them in real life, I don't know how they really look like.”

“ Don't misunderstand me, I really appreciate them for being there for me, but when I want to go out or do something fun with friends I just can't because they are so far away from me.”

“ And this is very confusing to me, because most of the time I don't feel like talking to the people who is around me. I'm just a mess, I feel so socialy anxious. In my mind everyone I know have a opinion about me, a really bad opinion about me. I know I fucked up before” ...

...“ but it feels like I can't forgive myself of what I did and of what everyone had to say about that. It sucks because what people said wasn't my fault but here I'm complaining and blaming myself about that. How crazy is that?”

“ I don't really know if people thinks what I think they think but I can't stop thinking about it and It makes me so anxious. I'm so fucking scared of messing up everything one more time. I'm really trying but I'm also so scared.”

“ I don't know what it's going to happen. I feel like no one trust me anymore, no one believes in me and in my "talent". I don't see myself as a talented person, maybe a capable one but I don't know if I can say that I'm talented.”

“ I'm really scared because of that, because (I haven't said this out loud) I don't know if people it's going to take me seriously. I don't know if they are expecting me to fail (what I'm sure they are) but I don't know if they don't even respect me because of that.”

“ Because I can't show confidence and I doubt a fucking lot. I know that it's a problem, but I'm really trying, it's just that I found myself doing it alone and it feels like no one believe in me more that me and I'm not really sure that I'm going to do it well.”

“ It's a lot to handle to be honest.”

“ Now, I watch everyone being so successful and I look at myself and I feel like I've acomplished nothing. I mean, isn't their fault that I spend so much time being anxious and doing nothing about it (It's stupid but it's true) but it hurts the most when you see people asking you” ...

... “ in order to making feel you down. That's so fucked up and happened to me yesterday. A """friend""" of mine asked me "what are you into?" bitch, I'm into being fucking anxious and overwhelmed the whole time, I'm doing nothing more than feeling bad for myself, that's the true” ...

... “ but what you want? you want me to tell you that I've done anything for my profesional life? that's what you want? you know that and you want to hear it anyway, why? I don't want to see on you that fucking "I'm better than you" face. I know for fact that his intentions wasn't good”

“ And wait, there is more. Later on he aproaches and he said "would you buy me a hamburger?" and I'm like what the actual fuck? Why would I buy you a hamburger? I answed him "No" but I saw in his face that he did it bc he wanted me to feel bad. I know his intentions weren't good.”

“ I'm sick of that kind of people. So sick. I realized that I can't trust people, they are mean, they only care about themselves. I know that as humans we are all selfish but if you say that you are my friend and then you act that you don't give a shit about me. Bitch please.”

“ I'm angry, more than depressed I feel so angry. Everything makes me upset. And that it's only on my social life. If we talk about my personal life it's not going to be better.”

“ First of all, I like a guy who is milles away from me, he is in another country, I can't help that feeling, I really like him eventhou he it's not worth it for so many reasons. But that's not the main thing, sometimes I feel like I want a boyfriend then I remember how awful is” ...

... “ to be inlove so I forgot. Sometimes I fantasized with everyone wanting so bad to be with me. I know that it will never ever is going to happen but I think about it anyway. I dreamed with boys thinking I worth enough to go on a date and to get to know me and give me gift and stuff” ...

... “ But It never happens. I wish someday someone shows up with flowers and chocolates saying I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and that I deserve everything. But that never happens, I always fall in love with the guy who treated me the worst. It's so frustating”

“ Because it's like I didn't think that I was good enough to deserve someone that good, someone who treats me like a queen.”

“ I don't know if I don't love me enough to think that I deserve the best. I need to stop acepting that kind of shitty love.”

“ Anyway. I think I'm so bad at keeping frienships and relationships. It almost feels like I'm good at fucking everything up. May be that's why I ended up being this lonely. I don't know, maybe I deserve all of what it's happening but I don't know why, I feel like I've been hurt” ...

... “ a lot, the whole time. I don't know how I'm going to get trough this. Seriously. I can't picture myself in a future. The only thing I can see myself doing is being with this handsome and lovely husband, giving me everything I want, being perfect to him and he being perfect to me”

“ I know I'm idealizing something that it might never happen. But I wish it so bad. I want to be happy so bad, that's the only thing I can see myself being, but I really don't know how I'm going to do that, how I'm going to reach that. I don't feel like I'm the kind of woman” ...

... “ That a man like that would like.”

“ Life is really hard. I can't figure out so many things. I can't even figure out myself. I don't know how to handle what is happening. I don't want to be home, I don't want to be at college, I don't want to be anywhere. I feel locked in this anxiety the whole time.”

“ I don't know how can I be in peace.”

“ My family is falling apart. My mom is willing to leave and I can't stop her I understand her reasons and if she decides to do it I will support her, but It's going to be so hard for me and for my brother and my sisters, my dad it's going to be crazy” ...

... “ And I'm afraid that I don't know what would happen, my dad it's just hurtful to my mom all the time and it makes me so sad, like really sad, because sometimes they want us to think that everything it's perfect but I feel like it has always been a lie.”

“I get used to this kind of distant relationship between me and my family but I truly wish that It was never like that. Everything is so broken and everyone wants to act like it's not. I don't know what's next neither for my family or for me.”

“ I'm so locked, because I feel like I need to be strong and to show strong for my brother and my mom and my dad and for my whole family, because when my mom was gone for two months that my dad just freaked out, I tried to be with him but I also had to listen to my mom” ...

... “ And support her and cheer her up a litte bit, but I don't know how, I just don't. If my mom leaves I'm not sure how my dad it's going to react and that scares me a little. I don't know how my brother is going to react. I know it's going to be hard for me because there are going” ...

... “ to be more and more problems. But I know I'm going to be just as sad and overwhelmed as I'm right now. May be I little more. I don't know.”

“ Right know I feel so lost, so lonely, so sad. I don't know where to go, what to do. I'm locked in this prision of fear.”

“ I've always wanted a perfect life, a perfect family, and they were never like that. NEVER. I've always dreamed with a life full of love and friends and success. And here I'm feeling the most lonely I've ever felt. Feeling the failure of my carrier, talentless, worthless.”

“ I'm so broken. So overwhelmed. I try to act like I'm so gorgeous, like the only thing I care is to being beautiful and to get complimets. I don't need compliments, I know I can get them puting a beautiful skirt or a dress. I need to feel like I'm truly beautiful to someone.”

“ No matter how I'm, how I look. Without pointing me every single mistake I make.”

“ Fuck, I've cried these last three nights, because this everything. I'm so overwhelmed.”

“ I just want to get what I dreamed of for the first time in my life. There are so many things that I want so bad and I feel like no matter how hard I try I'm never going to get them. I don't know if someday I'm going to be good enough for something or for someone.”

“ And I give a shit about people saying that being sad it's not the solution. Fuck you all, I'm going to be fucking sad if I want, I'm sick and tired of people underestimating people's problems. I don't care if you feel like your like it's perfect. I'm sad and I want to be sad.”

“ With that being said, I'm glad I'm able to finally express myself in this shit. I have a stone of stuff going on and I really wanted to express that. “

“ I've been seriously thinking about what would happen if I'm gone too soon. I know this is going to sound very sad and empty but at least what I wrote here it's not going to be vanish. And I like to think that some people it's going to remember me somehow.”

“ I guess I can say this is my legacy, so far.”

“ And eventhou it's dark and hard, and sad. It's not as dark and depressing as other things I've done before.”

“ I want you to know that, another reason for doing this was because I didn't to talk about it to someone to tell me something like "Idk what to say" or "It's hard but you'll get trough it" or whatever catchphrase you can fill the blanked with, I just wanted to talk openly”

“ Without feedback. Just me, and whoever reads this in secret.”

“ If you can relate of anything that I said here, let me tell you: I know it sucks, but I have faith that it's going to be over someday, and that we are strong enough to go trough it. I don't know what's exactly happen in you life but I encourage you to talk about it in any way”

“ You don't have to keep your feelings to yourself, you can write it down in a letter, and burn it, idk, sometimes we just need to talk, we don't always need advice.”

“ I don't know what else to say, so I guess this is the end of this thread. Thank you for reading, if you did, and for being with me in this rollercoaster of emotions this night. Good night.”

“The end.”

#witheringflowers

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