#my brain feels like it's filled with stinging nettles idk if this is even coherent. but I need it out of my neurons lol

[vaguely-concerned]

...the 'almond room' thing in the unwanted guest IS a reference to/play on words on amygdala, right? (amygdala comes from the greek word for almond!) I didn't read that wrong? it is stupid sexy Ianthe coyly inviting Palamedes into a different chamber of her brain, as it were?

(also the pieces of meat -- the feeding or kissing, it's hard to say which of it all -- being present right from the beginning... ianthe DOES know exactly what has happened to her, doesn't she. palamedes is just cutting his way through her layers of denial and repression all merciless and scalpel-like to get her to admit it. or, she knows subconsciously at least -- each person comes in and feeds her something that she's helpless to stop from becoming a part of her even in her coffin, with bloody kisses. oh baby love is feeding me bad meat and I have no choice but to swallow it down. like yeah I suspect that is how human contact can feel when your sense of self and boundaries developed to be a specific kind of Fucked Up lol. that shit could make a person dream of being a diamond in a glass of wine; perfect, inviolable, untouchable, eternally separate and safe. In the words of Andrea Gibson in Prism:

They say the womb is where we learn love is knowing the cord that feeds you could at any moment wrap around your neck

that is quite literally ianthe's first introduction to love -- her sister, a cord around her neck. Corona is Ianthe's other self, a second soul running around outside of her body, and she seems to consider herself as responsible for (and entitled to) the preservation of Corona's soul as her own. the way this mirrors that growing up, Ianthe had to be two necromancers in one body to let them stay together. (twins and ghosts all the way down I guess.) she's still just trying to do the same thing, I think, she's simply put on some bigger boots about it. the central problem of lyctorhood, self vs. connection/love, rears its head once again -- Ianthe existentially wants total self-contained self-sufficiency, perfect control, sovereign sway and masterdom over her soul... but she wants that at the same time as being in uninterrupted (uninterruptible!), eternal and indelible intimacy with her sister, whose soul also cannot be allowed to change. which, you know. freedom and love don't coexist the way you want them to, Ianthe, no matter how clever you are there won't be a way to get what you want. (especially not with a sister whose idea of what love is seems to go more towards being consumed, made one, by whatever violence necessary -- 'she could have taken me'.) man. Ianthe is a spectacular and ongoing piece of work, but sometimes it's hard to see how she could ever have turned out otherwise considering the conditions she was born and raised under haha.

the two-way street of the horror of digestion, whether you're the devourer or the devouree. part of you in me, part of me in you, whether either of us likes it or not we're both changed by this. bad news: you can't get out of interconnectedness by finding the cleverest loophole around it, ianthe. nice try, though)

[justhereforthefanartbean-blog]

For the commentary tag: “”I can only offer myself,” Yuri replies” to about “The shout is too late.” from chapter 5 of The Thirst for Adventure. Also AGHH choosing a specific short section was so hard, just. The whole thing. One of the most memorable scenes I’ve ever read in a fic.

Bruh. That’s 800 words XD 

AlsoEXCUSE YOU HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH NICE THINGS ABOUT MY WRITING (because theinternet does not allow hugging and I want to give you all of the hugs rn likedude, I cannot emphasise enough how much your opinion means to me, you’re afantastic writer and Heart is literally one of my fave YOI fanfics of all time,I’m so fucking stoned that you like my shit, holy crap)

Warning:I’m gonna post it all below because I wrote that so long ago I barely rememberit and I want to be able to reference it as I respond :P 

“Ican only offer myself,” Yuri replies.

Heis not shaking. The woman sneers at him anyway, her lip curling back to exposea mouth only half-full of teeth. Then, right before his eyes, her head opensup. A wound; the scar left by a sword. Stretching from the top of her headalmost to her eye, it splits her face and exposes her brain, but does notbleed. The skin is ripped, raw white and bloodless, and what he can only guessis the remaining mess of brain tissue is grey, like a carcass left to hang.

“Doesthis,” she hisses, moving closer, “deserve a half-blood’s revenge?”

IfYuri is shivering now, it is because she has chilled him to the bone. Standingthis close to her is like being immersed in the winter lake. It knocks all thebreath out of him.

“Ican only offer myself,” he repeats, choking it out as best he can, through whatfeels like lungs full of water.

“Notenough,” the woman spits, and steps back, sheathing her sword. “I will wait forsomeone better.”

Yuritries not to breathe a sigh of relief as the sensation dissipates. He coughs alittle, trying to clear his lungs of something that was never really there. Thechill, however, does not fade. The second widow steps forward.

“Whatwas your mother’s name?” She asks, hair whipping in the wind that wasn’t therethe moment before. It drags at the edge of his cloak, snatching it away fromhis fingers and throwing his hair in his face. It stings, cold, like tiny barbsof nettles.

“LarisaNikolayevna Plisetsky.” Yuri has to shout it above the churning and roilingair, and only hope that she can hear. To his great surprise, the woman stepsback immediately, and the wind drops to a breeze. “I know her name. She was agood woman. Your debt with me is balanced. I will not challenge you.” And thesecond sword is sheathed.

Liliahad told him that he might be in a better position than either of his brothers,upon meeting the widows, but he hadn’t anticipated by quite how much.

Unfortunately,his good luck cannot last.

Themoment the third woman steps forward, she introduces herself by name, and Yuriknows that he will have to fight.

“Iwas Véra Savvichna Ivanova. I fought and died for your ancestors over a hundredyears ago, only for my body to be tossed into the water as if I were nothing tothem. We will fight for my honour.”

“Iaccept your challenge.” Yuri does not take his sword. The nature of thechallenge is always the choice of the challenger.

Vérasteps forward and picks his sword from the ground, passing it to him.

“Sheatheit.” He does so, silently. “My body lies at the bottom of this river. You willswim down and retrieve it. If the river claims you, my debt is repaid. If yousurvive,” her eyes, dark and bloodshot, bore into him, “bury me properly.”

Yurilooks at the water. The river has been by their side since they left thecastle. It is fed by the mountain, from glacial streams, and this is not theseason for melt. The level of the water is well below the bridge and the bank,settled into the rocky hollow it has carved for itself. All the same, it isdeep, cold, and blue. He cannot see the bottom. Backing out now, however, is assure a death as drowning.

Hehas no choice.

Thethree women move back as he takes off his sword, and boots, then most of hislayers of clothing. As unwilling as he is to get his undershirt wet, and asmuch as it may hold him back in the water, he decides to keep it on. Divingnaked into a mountain river in autumn is only barely worse than diving inhalf-dressed, but he’ll take it. They move aside, allowing him to walk acrossto the halfway point of the bridge. Chancing a glance over his shoulder, Yurinotices that Otabek and Roza have edged closer. With a sharp shake of his head,he warns them as best he can. The fact that they’ve held off this long alreadyis surprising. He can’t say he would do the same if it looked like Otabek wasabout to jump into freezing water of his own volition.

Especiallyas neither of them will have any idea what is going on.

Hetakes a deep breath.

“Ready.”The two women who did not name themselves nod, and with matching smiles, jump,vanishing back into the water. The river does not splash.

Hefaces the river. Takes a deep breath.

“Goodluck,” Véra says, and pushes.

“YURI!”

Theshout is too late.

Holyfucking shit. Okay so MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. 

This chapter was the culmination of so much research intoRussian mythology. I’ve already talked about everything that went into itfolklore-wise, but character-wise, I knew what I wanted to do to Yuri. He’sjust left home for the first time, essentially, and although he’s been warnedabout this kinda stuff his whole life, the first thing he’s faced with issomething that completely isolates him. 

Hedoesn’t have the reassurance of his family or even his friends helping him. Buthe knows what he has to do. He faces up to the injustices that his ancestorscommitted, and for the first time in the story (I think) we see him be courageous withoutbeing angry. 

As anillegitimate prince, his station offers him both protection and danger. This isa direct reversal of that; in court, revealing that he isn’t Lilia’s son is thedangerous part. He’s been forced to hide it, and even though he hates that andisn’t at all embarrassed by his mother or Nikolai, there’s always going to besome residual effects from being forced to hide part of yourself. Here, hisreal mother essentially saves his life twice just by existing. Basically, Iwanted to give Yuri proof that while his blood has absolutely dictated his lifeso far, that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. (Although theWidows do basically insult him for it the whole time, because, you know, social indoctrination).

Ithink it’s also important to understand how entrenched Yuri is in his rolehere. He’s wanted to be a knight his whole life, he’s been training for itsince before he can remember, and then he had that taken away from him. Notonly has he got it back, his first ever encounter literally requires him torisk his own life. But he does it. Because he is a knight now, and that’s whatknights do. They do whatever it takes. And Yuri has always, always donewhatever it takes. It’s something that he struggles with a little later, especially when he actually leaves the group, so I wanted to establish it early so that when that happened it almost felt like he was betraying himself as well as them by letting go of some of his values and key goals. And also it then shows how fucked up that big key bond thing makes him, because he doesn’t deal with it calmly or sensibly even though we know that he can. 

There’salso a lot of traditional trial themes going on here. You know, he has to facethree tasks, the last of which is the worst, to prove himself kind of thing.All very ‘symbolic’ (idk it doesn’t feel like that when I write it). Taster of things to come! It’s definitely the simplestchallenge he’s faced so far, I think. For a start, there’s a very specific wayof dealing with it that he knows about, but also it doesn’t call his emotional state into question. Sure, it nearly kills him, but it’s a lot less gruelling than some of the stuff they go through later. 

It’salso kind of a test for Beka too. We get to see how much he trusts Yuri, eventhough Yuri hasn’t always given him reason to, and it’s obvious that he’s in a verydangerous situation. Otabek is the first person to actually trust Yuri tohandle it on his own. 

Butyeah, the folklore side of things was so much fun. I wanted to play withsomething that made it clear that Yuri isn’t the only supernatural being inthis world, but also that there’s a blur between the actual supernatural, simplesuperstition, and magic. Also, empathy. You know, they’re talking about theirdeaths and sort of forcing Yuri to experience them too. Like the sensation ofhis lungs filling with water, and the cold, and making him jump in the river –it sort of brings to life the brutality of what they faced. And we already knowthat, especially because of his influence, Yuri is a very humane person. It’sanother sort of inkling that he’s going to have issues helping Beka actuallyfight a war and kill people, even to protect more people in the long run. The ‘greatergood’ is much less of a clear concept for him.

Sothere you have it. Everything I was thinking when I was writing that scene! I’mnot sure a lot of it was very coherent but I hope it was interesting :P