#my boyfriend and i made our own little universe of characters and lore and everything... working on it so much... its so fun and crazy and

[bloodcoveredgf]

pro tip make up worlds and ocs with your partners and friends and such its fucking awesome. best idea you can have in the world i think

[thekingofthenameless]

I’M BACK

And I’m rebranding everything.

Profile picture change, username change (in a few days), etc.

talesofarcadiaforever -> thekingofthenameless

I took a long hiatus from writing and Tumblr in general because of bad burnout and putting expectations on myself that I shouldn’t have. Ha. But I’m back! And good news! I started writing again! Better news?

I decided to officially discontinue Emerald Embers and the Daylight’s Redemption series and write my own book.

I was already making everything so different from ToA that it was practically an alternate universe already: redesigning Merlin, making Merlin and Charlie familiars, adding magical species that weren’t explicitly in canon, completely changing other characters… I still love ToA, but I’m not hyperfixated on it anymore. And that’s okay. I was so scared of letting go for a long time, but I’m happy with my decision.

My wip is now called The King of the Nameless!

Currently, there are five main characters, and tidbits about each of them will be a little further down. (Except for one guy. He sucks.) Their attempted designs will also be down there.

In some aspects, it probably hasn’t changed too much. I’m still basing it off of Arthurian Legends, and Merlin is still the protagonist. But I redesigned him. Again.

The deuteragonist is Charlie; he and Merlin are still familiars. I tried several different names for him, but none of them would stick for him no matter how hard I tried; so Charlie the dragon he stays. But he now has the last name Ambrosius to reflect that he and Merlin are found family as well.

The other three characters in this stage of the story are Igraine, Gorlois, and Uther.

Igraine is Arthur and Morgana’s mother in the Arthurian Legends, (which I did not know at first and was wondering how Arthur and Morgana were half-siblings because they have different fathers…) and will stay the same here. I couldn’t find any official last name for her besides Pendragon from when she marries Uther? (Which is not going to happen here.) So I gave her and her husband the last name “le Fay” to match their daughter!

Gorlois is Igraine’s husband, and like I said, is Morgana’s father. However, unlike some media, he’s not going to be portrayed as a jealous and abusive husband. He’s the epitome of the “I love my wife” guy.

Uther is… a piece of work, to say the least. He’s the character who’s going to have a separate post because of triggering topics that I don’t want in this post.

I’m also going to make a separate post for upcoming characters, which include Nimue, Morgana, Arthur, etc.

Bear with me on lore and designs though please (I’m still working on the lore and I’m not sure if these will be their permanent designs except for Charlie). Some of it might be just random babble until I decide on something 😭 You’ll definitely be able to tell which characters I think about most ahaha.

Anyways, in more good news, I don’t use Artbreeder anymore. I attempt to use Picrews, but sometimes they don’t have everything I want, so I also use character creators from video games. If I could use Baldur’s Gate 3’s, I definitely would, but I’d have to spend like $600-ish to get something to play it on and get the game. 😑 I could also play it with my boyfriend, but our schedules are so busy with both of us working that’s it not really a convenient option.

But there is a game called Dragon’s Dogma, and I’ve been using that one! It’s an older game, so it doesn’t really have many fantasy character options, but it’s good enough for human characters lol. I made Igraine and Gorlois with it, and a few other characters yet to be posted.

Design and lore time!

Merlin:

This is him at the beginning of TKN! Expect more art of him eventually.

• 6' 8"

• “my son crump he has every disease”: schizophrenia, C-PTSD, misophonia

• is still a cambion like in the Arthurian Legends (specifically half-human, half-demon)

• was supposed to be the Anti-Christ (also like in the Legends)

• is also a romance and sex repulsed, non-partnering aroace <3.

• usually excudes a regal, dignified presence, and his preference for flowing outfits helps

• may seem slightly formal with strangers, but on a good day where he can clock their personality, he’ll either warm up to them quickly, or distance himself, depending on the person

• has a strong sense of justice, which also makes him anti-authoritarian for the most part. (unless they’ve actually proven that they’re not just in their position for the power of it, or because of nepotism; and really do want to help people.)

• extremely loyal

• highly empathetic; cries easily

• has a lot of trauma, but is still kind because he’s not going to make people suffer just because he did

• adrenaline junkie in regards to flying with Charlie

• Doesn’t kill if not necessary.

• Is very punctual. If you tell him to come at 5 he’ll be there at 4:30. At most.

Charlie:

• 6' 6" (top of muzzle)

• 7' 3" (top of head)

• the marking on his leg is his familiar mark!

• still nice, seems a little rougher around the edges than Merlin

• says the things that his wizard thinks but won’t say, and doesn’t hide that he stares people down while gauging their character. he sometimes won’t care that he sounds mean or very direct either

• very protective of his familiar and is intensely loyal to him. isn’t really willing to leave the latter alone with people they don’t really know because of people attempting to take advantage of his schizophrenia in the past, gaslighting him into thinking that their actions weren’t real and were things he hallucinated/imagined

• Do no harm but take no shit

• Far more willing to kill than Merlin

• “Hey do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.”

• (I guess he technically counts as an emotional support animal but like. he’s sentient so idk 😭)

• is an omnivore (most dragons are, but he eats more human food than them from growing up and staying around them.)

Igriane:

• 6' 5"

• a wizard!

• was originally a red head before I realized that oh yeah. Morgana has brown hair, and a ginger and blonde would definitely not for the most part have a brunette kid

• purple eyes (haven’t decided if I’m gonna stay with this concept, but I like the idea of all wizards having some type of heterochromia, or technicolor eyes to show that they have magic)

Gorlois:

• 6' 0"

• he doesn’t have any type of unique eye color yet because I didn’t have the concept of that for wizards yet, and still not sure if I’m gonna keep it so. blue eyes for now

• again I say he’s the “I love my wife” guy!!

• also a wizard (which is where Morgana gets her magic when she’s born. You have two parents with magic you’re like. guaranteed to have magic.)

• maybe not really much of a fighter? Would probably use some type of sword if he was.

Wow that was so much lore. 👍 If anyone wants to talk to me about my ocs or suggest ideas, my ask box is always open! (And I love love love getting asks)

Artist credits!

Merlin:

Charlie’s original artist:

Charlie’s second artist:

Charlie’s saddle:

[thehmn]

I used to watch my brother play the Metal Gear Solid games and it’s actually really interesting to look at Hideo Kojima’s games in the context of how homosexuality is viewed in Japan.

I’m not going to speculate on Kojima’s own sexuality, I’ll leave that to himself, but his games are famous for being very horny, homoerotic and having a ridiculously high number of bisexual male characters. People will point out that they’re all villains, but that’s just the explicitly bisexual characters. His two main characters, Snake from Metal Gear Solid and Sam from Death Stranding, are also implied to not be straight.

This is where Japanese culture and the extensive lore of Kojima’s works comes in.

Homosexuality is taboo in the west and Japan for different reasons. In the west it’s seen as sinful, but in Japan it’s seen as disruptive. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t call attention to yourself in any way. Don’t mess with the status quo. Most queer people choose not to come out to their families for this reason. And to make matters worse, even if a small majority of Japanese people are in favor of queer people having rights the government is very conservative and it’s even illegal to depict homosexuality positively in some parts of Japan.

So what does Kojima do to appease his government and the culture of his people? He does what people did in Hollywood in the 30’s and make the explicitly bisexual characters villains and make his heroes covertly bisexual.

Kojima always had an interest in sexuality and gender. In high school he wrote a story where all women succumbed to an illness, leaving the men unsure of how to continue. Remember, at the time the majority of women in Japan quit their jobs when they got married and took care of their husband and children. So who was supposed to take care of the house and their sons? Could men just stop craving intimacy or would they have to turn to each other? And how would they make more babies? I’ll get back to that.

One of the most famous scenes in Metal Gear happens when Snake disguise himself as Ivan, the lover of Volgin. Volgin walks up to what he assumed to be his lover and grabs his crotch, looks confused, grabs him again and asks “Who are you? I know the major better than anyone else” Volgin and Ivan are undoubtedly villains, but their love for each other is surprisingly the most human thing about them. If Snake puts on Ivan’s mask during his bossbattle with Volgin, Volgin will hesitate at first, then double his attacks in anger, but also cry because he’s trying to kill a man with his boyfriend’s face.

Snake/Otacon is the most heavily implied relationship in the whole series that hasn’t been confirmed. In the first game Snake could end up with Otacon at the end, and since then they’ve moved in together, raised a child together, talked at length about how they taught each other to love, teased each other about their libido, and the list goes on. They also notably get call-backs to two other canon romantic couples; Raiden and Rosemary when Otacon tells Snake that he won’t be let back inside before he takes a shower (Rosemary wouldn’t let Raiden back in because he got pee on him), and Volgin and Ivan when Otacon says he knows Snake better than anyone else. My point being, Snake and Otacon are very heavily implied to be a bisexual couple.

Then there’s Death Stranding. The game is definitely written by a more mature Kojima who has been hanging out with a lot of Americans. His view of sex and love is more nuanced and he understands that there’s a difference between sexual and romantic orientation. We still got Higgs, a flamboyant villain who acts very predatory and is heavily implied to be bisexual, though never confirmed, and Sam who’s implied to be asexual (he has an Ace of Spades sticker on his bike) and biromantic, and we get our first confirmed good bisexual character, Die-Hardman.

Kojima never got to play around with gender much in Metal Gear Solid, but he made up for that in Death Standing. Remember that story he wrote in high school? We see a lot of inspiration from that here. The solution the men came up with for having healthy babies in the story was to have men carry pods around on their stomachs where the fetus could grow in the most natural way possible.

There’s still women in Death Stranding but there’s a lot of men carrying babies around on their stomachs, men forming family unions, and the main character Sam acts more like a stereotypical mother than father. There’s literally a scene where Deadman puts a hand on Sam’s pod like it’s a pregnant belly and basically asks him “The three of us are a family, aren’t we?”

Sam later tries to give the baby to a woman, Fragile, but she only sees it as babysitting and gives it back, so Sam gives it to Deadman who declares it “our little one”.

By the end of the game the three of them are seen together, depicted as two parents holding their child. Throughout the game people are constantly trying to hug and touch Sam but in the end the only person who gets a hug is Deadman.

It’s also worth noting that in the universe of Death Stranding Sam and Deadman are believed to be a couple before they actually are. Deadman made sure of that so no one would question why they spend so much time together.

There will no doubt be more bisexual men in Kojima’s next game, and I’m curious to see if there’ll be any development in how openly he depictes queer characters. He’s a middle aged man so no matter what his own sexuality might be I don’t expect him to easily shake the expectations of Japanese society off, but he has started hanging out with a lot of Danes, most notably Nicolas Winding Refn who despite making extremely violent movies is very open minded and has, when asked, been very honest about his own sexuality (to spare you the pain of digging though Danish interviews, he’s a straight, slightly bi-curious man with an interest in BDSM, but who’s also satisfied leaving a lot of his fantasies to his imagination because his movies gives him an outlet for a lot of it).

You can see a lot of Scandinavian/Nordic influences in Death Stranding and I’d be surprised if Nicolas didn’t expose Kojima, intentionally or unintentionally, to the Scandinavian view of homosexuality. I can best describe it with a news report I once saw on national television. Parents were worried about a dangerous road that their children had to cross every day to get to school but the government wasn’t doing anything about it. The parents they interviewed were a gay couple but they were treated exactly like any other worried parents. No fuss, no spectacle. Please think of the safety of these parents’ children.

I can imagine that approach would go over very well with a middle aged Japanese man who clearly wants queer people to be able to live happy, fulfilling lives with families and children but doesn’t seem to want to upset his society.

Other people have pointed out that Kojima and Nicolas seem to inspire each other a lot and have taken an interest in each other’s cultures, and Nicolas was the first person to announce publicly that he’d be in Kojima’s next game, so I’m really interested in seeing what that will do, if anything, to how comfortable Kojima is with depicting his queer characters. Something certainly happened once he started socializing with a lot of Americans.

I am of course not saying Kojima is a saint who’s doing everything right, but he is an interesting guy to follow.

[hawkland]

(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5

This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.

Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k)  - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas. 

What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)

The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.

Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.

Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.

But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.

Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.

The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.

And now on to some other authors, I promise!

IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)

Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.

if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.

Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)

flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.

Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.

this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.

Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!

[beautiesandheadcanons]

In my longer, lore-related posts, I’ve covered a few different things, including the history of Lord Raiden in Mortal Kombat, biographies of Dorian Pavus and Maeveris Tilani from the Dragon Age universe, and the history of the Qunari people and culture, also from Dragon Age. But so far I haven’t touched anything or anyone from Fallout, and so today I’m going to remedy that.

The very first Fallout game I ever played was 4 (I know, I know, I did go back and play 3 and New Vegas, don’t worry fellow fans) and as such some of my strongest ties are with that particular game. And while one character in particular isn’t the first companion you encounter, he quickly became my favourite (and I also continually curse Todd Howard for not making him romanceable!).

Nick Valentine has an interesting history. His memories and personality come from a pre-war detective of the same name who, after the traumatic death of his fiancée Jennifer Lands at the hands of infamous mobster Eddie Winter, submits himself to an experiment at the Commonwealth Institute of Technology (the remnants of which later became the Institute) that scanned his brain as part of treatment for PTSD. What happened to the original Nick is unknown, but whether he died during the initial nuclear bombing in 2077 or died sometime after, he is long gone by the time the events of Fallout 4 takes place in 2287. The Nick we get to meet in game is one of two prototype synths leftover from when the Institute was experimenting with expanding and furthering their synth program. His “brother” DiMA’s AI was allowed to develop a personality naturally, while Institute scientists attempted to implant the memories and personality of the original Nick into the prototype that would become our in-game companion. Since it was an unknown procedure at the time, the scientists had issues with the transplantation, and while sometimes it would seem to take, other times it wouldn’t. In observing what seemed to be the torture of his brother, DiMA escaped the Institute with Nick in tow to spare him further abuse. Unfortunately, after their escape, the personality and memories took root a little too hard, synth Nick thought he was really the original Nick, and in his confusion he attacked DiMA and forced his brother to knock him out and leave him.

While later on, the population of the Commonwealth would be extremely suspicious of synths and anything Institute-related, at this point in time they didn’t know much and so he was greeted with a mix of awe, curiousity, and a little fear at the unknown. In talking with Nick, he’ll tell the Sole Survivor of a kid he befriended known only as Jim, and that he was the first human contact he had post-Institute. In another story, he’ll tell of how he was permitted in Diamond City (a settlement known for its anti-synth and anti-ghoul stance) by rescuing the Mayor’s kidnapped daughter. Though he didn’t realise who she was when he stumbled upon her kidnappers, and despite not having a weapon, he was able to bluff his way into getting the abductors to leave by pretending to activate a bomb inside himself and just saying “beep” repeatedly as if in countdown. One he returned the daughter to the Mayor, he gave him a house as thanks and for the first time since he woke up, he had a sense of stability. He initially worked around town as a handyman, but because of his detective skills that kept being brought up and used, over time he stopped fixing things and became a detective full time.

It was one of his cases that lead to him meeting the Sole Survivor in an old Vault. In following a lead on a woman named Darla who was believed to be kidnapped – spoiler, she was not, she ran away with her gangster boyfriend – he was captured by Skinny Malone’s gang and imprisoned in the hideout they’d made out of Vault 114 nestled in the Park Street subway station. The Sole Survivor breaks him out and escapes with him, and upon leaving the Vault and meeting back up at his office, they reveal that they need him to help them find their missing son. Nick will assist them in their endevour, interviewing them and revealing the identity of the person who shot their spouse and stole their son, taking them to the house of known mercenary Conrad Kellogg and then summoning Dogmeat to help the Sole Survivor track him down (if they aren’t already travelling with Dogmeat). After the Sole Survivor confronts Kellogg at Fort Hagen, he will lead them to Doctor Amari and also volunteer to host Kellogg’s memories so that the fate of the Sole Survivor’s son can be ascertained and confirmed.

His personal quest, called “Long Time Coming”, involves finishing the old case that the original Nick had been involved in regarding the gangster Eddie Winter. After tracking down all 10 holotapes involving Winter, it reveals the code that will work on the keypad outside Winter’s bunker in Andrew Station. Upon arriving at the bunker and opening it, instead of being empty, the bunker will be revealed to be inhabited by Winter himself … ghoulified, of course, but alive nonetheless. Nick’s affinity will increase if the Sole Survivor allows him to kill Eddie instead of killing him themselves. After the shootout is over, Nick will retrace his steps to a road outside a run-down sandwich shop, the place where Jennifer Lands was murdered over 200 years before. While not the original Nick, he’s given some closure by wrapping up one of old Nick’s “loose ends”. He still has some issues with his identity, with knowing who he is separate from the pre-war detective, but the Sole Survivor has a chance to reassure him that he is his own man apart from the old Nick.

While not required, if allowed to accompany the Sole Survivor in the DLC “Far Harbor”, he has a significant emotional importance to the questline. The beginning involves following up on a message from a former associate of Nick’s, Kenji Nakano, whose daughter has run off and he wants he found and retuned. All signs point to the island of Far Harbor, and once Nick and the Sole Survivor arrive, they are pointed in the direction of Acadia, a settlement founded and run entirely by synths who escaped the Institute. Some of them refused a memory wipe offered by the Railroad, others had a memory wipe that didn’t take well and suffer side effects from it, and others still figured out they were synth and are trying to come to terms with who and what they are and their identity. The leader of the settlement is DiMA, Nick’s brother, who immediately recognises Nick on sight but who Nick doesn’t remember. During the course of the main quest, the Sole Survivor is able to find proof of their relationship, and Nick accepts the truth and even starts to form a bond with DiMA by talking with him every time they enter Acadia. While he won’t approve if the Sole Survivor doesn’t hold DiMA accountable for murder, he seems to comes to terms with the decision and it doesn’t seem to affect his relationship with his brother too much … though this could also just be something the devs overlooked.

While outwardly he may just look like an old synth that’s starting to fall apart, Nick is full of charisma and personality and has an amazingly witty and sarcastic sense of humour. Especially when taken on board the Prydwen and surrounded by Brotherhood soldiers who hate synths and everything associated with the Institute, he won’t hold back if someone outright insults him. Sometimes it’s just a simple deflection … for instance, if a Brotherhood soldier mutters, “Abomination” then Nick will respond with, “Well, good afternoon to you, too.” He’s not afraid to get a little more aggressive when told, “You disgust me” and he’ll reply with, “Not much of a sight yourself.” He’ll even point out their hypocrisy when told, “No machine should have free will”, he’ll say, “Why? You jealous you had to turn yours in?” I also personally like the response to, “Don’t get any ideas, synth” when he’ll reply, “From you folks? I wouldn’t know where to look.” That humour helps to cover up his insecurities related to his conflicted feelings about his identity and who he is, and I wish that an in-game romance would help reassure him of who he is and his worth, similar to the way a romantic relationship between the Sole Survivor and John Hancock unfolds and develops. Unfortunately, Todd Howard and the Bethesda team denied us this chance, however mod authors have given us a chance to play it out with cut audio files spliced together to form the dialogue. Even without the mod, however, Nick always becomes one of my best friends, a voice of reason and a guiding hand to a Sole Survivor who so desperately needs it, but who will also call them out if they do something he disapproves of. Everyone needs a friend like Nick, and if you haven’t found one yet, I hope you will soon. <3

[sketzocase]

Okay so I’m about to post a link  to my newest fic but I wanted to give some explanation  to try and explain just what the fuck I just wrote.

I have been struggling to put together this fic for four to five months.

If you follow me on Ao3 you’ve probably noticed that lately I’ve had a habit of publishing fics and then yanking them down with no explanation. While part of that was due to my not getting enough reaction it was actually mainly due to frustration. As all of those fics where containing little pieces of the bigger story (this fic) that Iwas trying to tell but couldn’t. I tried to approach it from several different levels but could not make it fucking work. It was maddening. I felt crazed and blocked up creatively. I had gone through all my marvel inspiration. Movies, shows, comics, fanfics, old stories of mine- literally countless things. I could not make it fucking work.

I was going to drop the matter entirely UNTIL last week. I spent the week at my sisters and she was watching criminal minds on netflix. It was fun to do with her because (and I’m dating myself here) when the show first aired, we watched it together every week. (i’m a big Reed and Morgan fan- like Reed was the entire reason I watched. Rewatching reminded me that I’m a fan of Garcia too. She’s my geeky wife, Reed is my Geeky husband, Morgan is our buff boyfriend. We all live together solving murders and that is my happy little life). Anyway, the thing that got me was that this was really the first time while batting this idea around that I had watched something non-marvel. The reaction was intense. I figured it out. I had, and have, hacked every marvel story line and canon to pieces and stitched it back together for this story- this character is here and this time and this age and that one is not because they are here even though this story comes from the movies and this from the comic- If I could describe it in my own words, I ran through canon with a fucking machete and then started shoving random bits I hacked off together. The outside influence did basically a system reboot. I started thinking outside the box. Fun. I started adding onto this. What brought it together actually was my watching ‘Silent Hill’. Which, sadly, is my favorite horror movie. (I know- it’s awful. But I was born in WV, I like ghost stories, and I have affinity for monsters with pyramids on their heads. Sue me)  And then- boom. It clicked. Everything I was trying to say/do with all the starts and restarts to this story finally made sense. It is heavily horror related. And follows little to no canon as I have mashed ALL the canon together. It has some kid characters who were adults in canon but now are not because in Sketz universe reality is what I say it is. So actually Daken, Laura, And Kurt are small children- like under 7- and Bobby, Kitty, and Jubilee range from 18 to 14. So yea- there’s that. Also a bunch of lore I pulled out my butt.

I said in the opening note for the fic but wanna repeat here kinda that I will not be giving trigger warnings before the chapters. I gave one long list at the start and that is actually the last contact I will have with the readers until the last chapter. (besides comments and tumblr, of course. XD)

Anywho- this finally all came together and Idk if it was the shows i watched or the fact that my mind finally plowed through the block to shimmy all the pieces together- but I hope y’all will give it a look. I’m heavily playing on the horror aspect and well… y’all will see. I’m gonna post the link next. First chapter is of course, one of the tamer ones as it starts laying everything out. And then, we’ll jump in with both feet!

[amberfossils]

I'd like to hear about Chatt!!!! I remember him.

Okay I see the asks about the diner au and for Edd hcs is anyone is wondering, both are in the works

But!!!! This one is very close to my heart because 1) it's my boyfriend asking, 2) Chatt was made specifically for a Minecraft (I love minecraft) universe with me, Tom (asker/boyfriend) and one of my friends, Blurr, 3) the Casino Crew is something I've been working on and is currently my favorite side group in the universe

So without further ado, here's some fun facts and lore with Chatt, plus some other stuff about the casino crew!

Firstly, Chatt doesn't have any canon sexuality or romantic attraction. He's not interested in exploring it, and fuck it he probably doesn't know what that means if you asked him about it.

In this universe, all mobs and creatures are humanoid. It technically splits off into 2 versions of the universe:

1) Corruption Calls (Blurr's version, all hurt no comfort, with Mycena and Shroom as the main protagonists)

2. Chaos Squared/Chaos² (The original, multiple plots going on and multiple sets of characters and mostly us hugging our OCs like little plushies and loving them)

Chatt is apart of both, but since Corruption Calls has a real plot and will eventually be turned into a comic I won't be spoiling that. So, all of this stuff is for Chaos Squared!

Chatt is a part of the "casino crew", and is the direct sidekick to Whisper, a female phantom with torn wings who can't fly. Whisper is the owner and manager of the casino.

Chatt doesn't actually work at the casino (and is the only character in the casino crew that doesn't) but he's an honorary member anyway because the crew all love him.

The Casino Crew consists (currently) of Chatt (parrot), Whisper (phantom), Creek (creeper), Patches (white cat), Stitches (black cat), Honey (bee), Vati (spider), and Punk (skeleton).

Firstly, let's start with the trauma because ahaha suffer, birdbrains!

Chatt basically falls out of the nest- in this universe, a very high-up treehouse with little to no railing or closed in sections that is only able to be entered by flying or climbing. Since it takes so much energy to get chicks back up to the nest, as they can't fly, they're often abandoned- and Chatt is.

He, god knows how, manages to hide and roam from place to place avoiding any other mobs, completely isolated in the jungle away from anyone else. He learns to fly on his own, albeit very clumsily, and makes his own nest, learning on his own how to do skills that seem rather basic to others, like cooking and foraging and building and finding materials.

One day, either by the sheer luck of Whisper treading near his nest or him finding her whilst searching for food, they meet. And Chatt is ecstatic. He hasn't spoken to anybody or really even known that there are friendly creatures period, and he quickly latches onto her. She's the only person he has, and continues to be his best friend and practically family to him even when she does slowly introduce him to the more populated, open areas with lots of mobs.

Firstly, I made him autistic because I love self-projecting onto everything I make. He has a difficult time integrating with society and communicating with others- he constantly interrupts, he never stops talking unless he's genuinely uncomfortable and/or upset, he doesn't understand metaphors or social cues or anything not literal. He learns a few idioms (his favorites being "let the chips fall where they may", "to not see the wood for the trees", and "every cloud has a silver lining"), but generally if you use one he'll be stuck for a bit trying to figure out what it could mean. He'll go completely nonverbal if upset or uncomfortable, and will only speak to Whisper (or one of the other casino crew members if at the casino) when semi-verbal.

He also doesn't understand the difference between private and public settings- everything he's ever done has been private, so public as a concept isn't great. He'll often be too loud or show his emotions way too obviously and talk to strangers and stim very visibly, but he starts off blissfully unaware that those aren't the most common things to do in public. He slowly realizes as he gets more accustomed to "public" that he's often looked at weirdly and that people sometimes sneer at him for being visibly autistic (not like he knows what that word is anyway). He eventually stops caring if he's being watched, and instead purposefully gets louder both physically and vocally around people he knows is judging him until they leave. It bothers him sometimes, but he's constantly reminded that the people around him that truly love him enjoy seeing him happy, and don't find his loudness a bother.

Speaking of, some of his favorite stims are whistling, dancing, singing, humming, chirping, stomping his feet, flapping his wings, swinging his arms, and echoing various sounds, noises and words he hears.

His body language also differs a lot, as he emotes a lot more visibly than most people, although his facial expressions are unpredictable and it's often that it's hard to tell what his body language means if you haven't seen him demonstrate it before. He'll often raise or open his wings when surprised or startled; fluff his wings when angry or anxious, or just when it's hot and he needs to cool his body temperature; and also wraps his wings around his face and body when wanting to hide either out of embarrassment, discomfort or anxiety.

I've already talked about his relationship with Whisper, but it's also different with the other casino crew members.

Firstly, Punk- Punk isn't the most talkative, and isn't great friends with Whisper (she goes from not liking him to being neutral about him). He's extremely good to all the other workers, bringing them water and food and letting them know when their breaks start. Chatt doesn't officially work there, but when he is around he'll happily listen to him talk and nod along, careful not to interrupt him and will happily tell him stories if the topic arises. He's also security, and keeps an extra close eye on Chatt too as if he was a worker since he knows Chatt is very important to the other workers.

Secondly Honey- Honey is very, very sweet to Chatt and loves to hang out with him when it's a slow night or on her breaks, and will happily talk to him for hours and play games with him. He gave her a glow stick bracelet once and she wore it every day and kept it in a freezer so it would glow as long as possible. Honey is also very bubbly and charismatic, and they vibe.

Third-Sixth is Stitches, Patches, Creek, and Vati, but we (me & blurr) haven't really talked about them interacting with Chatt so (shruggie)

Some extra stuff:

His hair mimics how the minecraft parrots have feathers sticking up

The horizontal stripes on his arm pouches mimic one of Whisper's designs, in which she wears vertical stripes (unsure if she still does because Blurr is redesigning her too)

One time Whisper gave him chips to gamble with for free expecting him to lose so he wouldn't have to pay and he'd still be preoccupied for a bit. He won repeatedly even when it was rigged against him. She cut a few zeros from how much he won, he definitely noticed but he doesn't care about money (Whisper is rich as fuck). In the future they made a new currency for him specifically, in which he gets glowsticks for winning instead of actual cash. He immediately runs around and gives them back to all the workers, including Whisper.

He gets lemonade from the bar. They don't serve lemonade but Patches has it just for him, and also adds edible glitter and puts in one of those ice spheres just for him. Nobody else is aware of where the hell he keeps getting lemonade from, except for Whisper, who learned from Patches being like "hey can we buy edible glitter?" and that basically went like "for what" "for the lemonade" "we dont even serve lemonade"

Honey did Chatt's makeup before

Whisper paid for Stitches' top surgery (not chatt related just a fun detail)

Stitches and Patches are twins, and Stitches is aro and Patches is ace.

Creek is dating Patches

tba <3

[elizas-writing]

We’re about 3 months away until the long anticipated release of the one, the only, the extraordinary, Kingdom Hearts III! Almost 14 years of waiting with about a dozen side games and HD re-releases are finally building up to this grand moment for video game fans. And like most other fans out there, I needed a serious catch up to remember all the convoluted lore and relive all the good times and bad with our favorite Keyblade wielders and Disney team members.

Since I don’t have all of the games on hand, much less the time to play the ones I own, I went to the wonderful world of YouTube and over the course of two months binged through about 30 hours of content, right from the very beginning! It was so much fun to relive all the series highlights, finally watch the newer content in the HD re-releases, and pick up on the little details I missed the first time around. And I thought I’d share some of the wonderful thoughts going on in my head during my binge.

Without further ado, here are Eliza’s silly but honest taglines, asides, observations, and comments of the Kingdom Hearts series!

Kingdom Hearts

The OG most ambitious crossover

I’ve been in this world for three hours and CAN’T FIND THE NEXT CHECKPOINT.

I know we jab at Chain of Memories for its awful gameplay, but I legit-erally didn’t finish the Atlantica world cause I had no idea where the fuck to go next. Even for a 2002 game, the mechanics were a nightmare sometimes.

Sometimes having every other world set up like a labyrinth is too much work than it’s worth.

Seriously, you have to talk to Aerith a million times to get Curaga. How the fuck were you supposed to know that without the Internet or a strategy guide??

Came for the bizarre mix of Disney and Final Fantasy– stayed for the characters and mildly convoluted story.

Just gonna add this in with the other “the power of friendship” crap I love.

  Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

Worst. Fucking. Fighting. System. EVER.

You ever wonder how the board meeting went for this game?

“So it’s, like, 50% the same game again, but shitty.”

I’m here to button mash, not strategize like Magic the fucking Gathering

This is the one where all the hot villains show up, right?

Just don’t let Axel’s bad boy facade fool you. He’s a finger guns bisexual with bad dad jokes.

10/10 will steal your girlfriend, boyfriend and nonbinary significant other

Every time someone says “memory,” take a shot.

Also, are we never gonna talk about where Pluto went with that letter? Are we supposed to accept he just comes and goes however he pleases?

  Kingdom Hearts II

The best one. You can’t change my mind.

One man’s convoluted revenge scheme at the cost of, like, 5 teenagers’ mental well-beings.

I’ve only known Roxas for 6 days, but if anything happens to him, I’ll kill everyone in this room and then myself.

So Ansem wasn’t really Ansem. You see, he was this scientist’s apprentice who– aaaaaand I’m lost.

If your fandom experience at this point didn’t include calling Xemnas “Mansex” or listening to Dr. Bombay’s “My Sitar” to cope with Demyx’s 2nd boss battle, you did it all wrong.

We all made fun of Demyx for needing a notecard for his mission, but my work desk is a cluster of reminders and sticky notes, so I can’t judge anymore.

The beginning of the longest, most painful wait for a sequel.

I’m sure Haley Joel Osment is a chill dude, but who the fuck allowed him to sing?

  Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Area Man Tries to Balance Life Between Work, Broken Marriage, and Two Adopted Kids in Existential Crises

Spoiler Alert: It ends horribly for everyone involved

When the realization set in that he became a father

Saix being a bitch

Family drama

Seriously, Saix, the last time I saw a man this pissy about his friend spending time with someone else was The Road to El Dorado. And Tulio and Miguel were supposed to be a gay couple.

Well, that was a depressing ass backstory on why Roxas has two Keyblades

“Who am I?!”

Anyone out there still calling Xion a Mary Sue better apologize to my daughter in the next five seconds.

The Organization’s HR complaint box probably looks like a tornado blew through it…

At least they seem to have good enough health insurance since their youngest members tend to fall into month long comas.

  Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep

Remember when Xehanort was a scientist’s apprentice who went AWOL? Think again, bitch!

The point where you realize this is all just a long, cruel, brutal DnD campaign

It’s best if you just don’t get emotionally invested in any of the characters. No one has a happy ending.

How one man’s total lack of self-awareness and critical thought dooms the universe

No, seriously, I’m sorry, Terra is a massive idiot. Master Xehanort doesn’t even have to try hard to manipulate Terra; he’s just that goddamn dense and does a lot of stupid shit on his own. These are facts.

I can’t even handle the secondhand embarrassment of his Neverland visit where he thinks Peter Pan is after the light when he was guarding a literal treasure chest, like, that’s just too dumb.

I still love him and wish him a wonderful redemption, and he definitely didn’t deserve losing his friends, family and his free will, but there were so many avoidable stupid disasters if he didn’t just blindly trust the wrong people.

Terra is the physical embodiment of “I am not a clever man.”

Forget the darkness in his heart– I’m more concerned about how many worms are eating his brain.

Terra, this bitch just asked you to cut out the heart of a 14-year-old girl, and you just went “chill.” Did you already forget your last oopsie with Aurora?

Loving mother left to clean up her husband and son’s messes…. all of them…

She’s about a couple steps away from becoming a wine mom to get through this shit.

As you can see, the main difference between Ventus and Roxas is that one is a literal ray of sunshine who did nothing wrong, and the other is a mass of anxiety who says “fuck” more often than he’s allowed to.

  Kingdom Hearts: Coded

The one everyone forgets existed.

Guys, I just wanted to know what Mickey’s letter said. I didn’t ask for another whirlwind adventure.

The most outrageous excuse for a midquel, but dammit that last bit in Castle Oblivion… I’m gonna need a moment to recollect myself.

Yeah, if this bit didn’t get you emotional, get out of my house.

What do you fucking mean Xehanort isn’t fucking dead??

  Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance

Wait a minute, all Terra and Aqua had to do for their Mark of Mastery was hit some balls and spar each other. Why do Sora and Riku need to go through coma nightmares and fever dreams??

Just… just give up questioning the lore…

So Ansem the Wise made a copy of his computer, and that’s a sleeping world where Jeff Bridges exists, I– I’m done.

And if this didn’t break your heart just a little bit, we can’t be friends.

Had the potential to just be Kingdom Hearts III if Nomura wasn’t too deep in perfecting those renders

We’re gathered here today in the bonds of just a couple of guys being dudes.

But seriously, there is zero heterosexual explanation behind Sora and Riku’s Sound Ideas coming together to make “Dearly Beloved.”

So is Ienzo really gonna gloss over the fact Lea stood by while a clone sucked out his life force? … Okay…

I’m still bothered by the fact Young Xehanort and Haida from Aggretsuko have the same English voice actor, because they’re total opposite energies.

  Kingdom Hearts X [chi] Back Cover

“Traitor!”– Ben Solo-Organa, Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens

I’m surprised no one took a step back and said “Guys, maybe the Master was fucking insane and trying to dupe us all with this Book of Prophecies shit.”

I’m sorry, I can’t trust anything the guy says or does. He put his FUCKING EYEBALL IN A KEYBLADE FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES.

Not to mention, he purposefully made them keep their roles a secret from each other which made misunderstandings pile on top of each other, like, dude!

I’m sticking to the theory that there was never a traitor, and he just pulled this out of his ass for the drama of it all.

Does no one in these games sit down and talk through their problems like normal people do? Again, worms in the brains…

Friendly reminder that cute Keyblade wielder avatar you made likely died in the Keyblade War.

I have nowhere near enough time to wade through like 900 quests worth of content in an ongoing game, and I don’t know how much I’ll need for Kingdom Hearts III…

Like, apparently Ven time traveled?? The fuck??

“What’s in the box?!”

  Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep A Fragmentary Passage

If you thought that title was a mouthful, wait for the onslaught of feelings!

“The things I do for love.”– Courage, Courage the Cowardly Dog

The most beautiful and emotional game demo in the universe

I wanna eat all the rocks

I just want my wife to come home and be able to rest.

“Please, God, just let me have one good day?”

“Oh my God, you again?? Give it a rest buddy!”

Kingdom Hearts III is RIGHT there! I can see it, I can taste it, I can smell it, it’s so goddamn close that I can hear the angelic choir singing Kumbaya. I haven’t been teased this bad since BBC Sherlock series 3.

  Kingdom Hearts III (based on all current information from trailers and conventions)

You get Norted, and YOU get Norted! Everyone gets Norted!!

Impractical zippers and belts are so 2005. Now everything is about plaid and excess buttons.

“I want to see my little boy (Here he comes) I want to see my little boy!”

What is he doing? His best. Also, get a load of the detail work on his hands.

Xion and Naminé are on the box art, so they have to be in the game, BUT WHY AREN’T THEY IN THE TRAILERS YET? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DAUGHTERS?

“The ending is going to be difficult for fans to handle.” I’m sorry, Nomura, but I forgot how to read for a moment there and will be in a horrible state of denial for the next three months.

If you’re calling that Heartless doll your waifu, congratulations, you’d be the first to die in a horror movie.

For fuck’s sake, it’s emitting black smoke and has the penetrating eyes of death. It must be burned.

And there you have it, folks! Most every silly thought that went through my wonderful brain through my Kingdom Hearts binge! It was worth putting off many of my other shows to refresh my memory on the lore— as contrived as it is multiple times—, see all my favorite characters, relive the greatest moments, and get pumped for what’ll come next in Kingdom Hearts III. I can already tell it’s going to be a great one, and I can’t wait to start playing!

Funny Observations of the #KingdomHearts Series We're about 3 months away until the long anticipated release of the one, the only, the extraordinary, Kingdom Hearts III!

[untilthebattlespickedme]

Is it time to say good-bye to a good thing?

**ALERT ALERT, THIS IS A VENT, NO OBLIGATION TO READ THIS SHOULD YOU SOMEHOW COME ACROSS IT (also, how are you here anyways???)**

I just have to get it out somewhere. Maybe putting it in words will help me think it through.

I've been stewing on this for probably years now, well over half the time I've actually been doing any text-based rping, no matter how bad.

I love rp, don't get me wrong. But the kind I do is a dying breed, everyone involved knows it, at least on the sites I've used, which are both incredibly low traffic sites to begin with, one now defunct (thanks, Google, that one stung). These are community based, group posts with 1x1 or smaller groups being a bit more frequent. In design, there's nothing wrong with it: profiles to make the characters known and mildly fleshed out, events to involve everyone and side plots to keep us going, a built in gc to talk, pms to chat if we please, and no real shortage of communities to join should we choose to switch, make, or add one to our rosters. There's deep lore and genuine care and I've made better memories there than 99% of high school (to be fair, I did lose part of my senior year to Covid so does it really count?)

The problems really started to arise when I realized I was in it for the long haul and frankly... most aren't. I've lost more partners and friends than I can count, each hurting just as much as the last. These are characters I adore and stories I'm invested in like little else. You might even call it an addiction, but if it is, I know better than to pressure any of my partners or burden them with it. Tbh, it's a bit of a problem that I'm not vocal at all OOC. If I stick it through, I want to fix that.

But eventually, you feel like you've seen it all. I'm jaded by cliques to begin with and they never do leave. A Selection? I've been in dozens, never lasting long enough to care. Eventually, I even left my favorite world behind when no one else cared about it anymore (though, I am writing a story that was supposed to be based on it... not so much anymore, either) and now, two years down the line, I'm left with a single rp community I care about.

And granted, I was going to give it up by the beginning of the fall semester. Start university, go live in a dorm, experience college life, study my ass off, live as myself and not a handful of characters.

Instead, I spend all my time alone, in my childhood home and bedroom, where everyone forgets that I'm in college at all and where I don't often do much but school and things online. To be fair, I'm extremely lucky, I know, and I'm not trying to diminish that in anyway. I'm just so lonely that its killing me and I thought rp might help at first, but I don't think it's done anything but make 2020 a little bit harder and pettier for me.

I want to improve my skills, but no one wants to read a measly paragraph reply, they all want one-liners or close to it. The app is glitchy, but no one cares enough to double check when I haven't responded for a while to see if I'm ghosting or they missed the notif (this, for the record, I suspect is often how they cover up not caring about the post/characters). Their time zones are different, or they just stay up until 4am for no reason but to rp and never come on before midnight. And I know it's been a rough year, I don't expect anyone to be where they were years ago, or even a month ago, I for sure am not. But when it starts feeling more like I'm being targeted and no one else seemed to have these things going on... I get a bit suspicious and hurt.

To top it off, I always feel like I'm missing something, like I did something wrong or they did something that I didn't catch. Paranoia is strong for sure.

The problems have only gotten worse in the past couple weeks. One person never finishes an rp yet just completed 2-3 that were 4 times as long as I've ever seen them do. One person dominates the chat and both of these two only ever swoon over their characters and relationships (like, its the same thing you've done three times now!!) One person practically just copied my main character and is obsessed with them, but seems to only like mine for the sake of bragging rights to one of their other characters, who is my mc's boyfriend??? They want to rp with characters I have but don't have the guts to kill off (yet). These are also the same people who have bashed my favorite artist in a manner that made me feel sick just for being a fan, repeatedly screwed over character arcs (which led to me not liking my own characters anymore in the first place!) and have otherwise created inconveniences that I never did figure out how to deal with. I feel like a stranger in my own community, I built and curated it for *this?!*

Maybe I'm insecure. Maybe my writing and characters and plots have problems. Maybe I'm too attached, need a life, or at least a detox. Maybe I'm petty and letting things that are meaningless get to me.

But every time I open the app to the last people I know online in any meaningful way, I just want to cry. I feel like I've given everything and have nothing left, and that they've used me and left me to rot. I want to love it all again, but I don't know how. It's so emotionally taxing, but to leave sounds unbearable.

Sometimes I wonder if I had just been able to have a normal freshman year, if everything would be okay now... But we'll never know and can't even lament it without feeling so damn guilty.

And spoiler alert, this didn't make me feel any better, especially since I started writing this, the gc for this community got a hell of a lot more like, well, personal hell.

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2019, Part I

On one hand, I fear the direction of American cinema, and I feel more personally distracted from great art with each passing day. On the other hand, my viewing was up 5% from last year despite my belief that I’ve gotten choosier. I even approve of most of the films nominated for Best Picture. Are the offerings just top-heavy this year? Are my standards declining? Answering questions like those is part of why I present a paragraph or two on everything I see each year, though I can’t even imagine someone sitting down and reading all of this.

Full disclosure: I haven’t seen Just Mercy, Monos, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Good Boys, Frankie, For Sama, or An Elephant Sitting Still. The tiers, as always, are Garbage, Admirable Failures, Endearing Curiosities with Big Flaws, Pretty Good Movies, Good Movies, Great Movies, and Instant Classics. GARBAGE

129. Cold Pursuit (Hans Petter Moland)- A film professor of mine showed us Wings of Desire and City of Angels, its American remake, in order to show us how a film can technically cover a story while losing the essence that made it special. I can only hope that Hans Petter Moland's Norwegian original is better than his stab at an English language remake, which fails completely at balancing violence and comedy. The movie almost announces its own boredom with the protagonist as it shifts focus first to the villain and then to cops on the case, all of whom have artificial quirks to try to give them life where there isn't any. The Neeson character's journey toward revenge is empty, so the film drifts from him, but it doesn't have anything to say with the other characters either. 128. Domino (Brian De Palma)- Seeking revenge, a Libyan informant roughs up a potential terrorist by throwing him over a restaurant bar. Cut to two cops driving wordlessly. Cut to the Libyan guy dunking the other guy's head in boiling soup. That interruption spells out what the rest of the film does: De Palma could not be less interested in his replacement-level actor's shoddy policework, especially in the self-parody of the last twenty minutes. Any intensity the movie has comes from terrorists (or Guy Pearce over-salting a salad), and then the police drain the momentum. Just make a movie about terrorists, Brian! And, as I've urged you for years, get rid of Pino Donaggio. 127. Beach Bum (Harmony Korine)- Moondog, the spacey, Floridian hedonist poet at the center of the film, is supposed to be "brilliant" and "a good guy" at heart according to his daughter. But at the daughter's wedding, he shakes the hand of her fiance, whom he usually calls "limp-dick," and he says, "What's your name again?" The line got a laugh in my theater, but is it likely that he didn't know the name of his daughter's fiance? Especially if he's a good guy who doesn't hurt people on purpose? It's one example out of a thousand of Harmony Korine making the goofy decision instead of the one that would benefit character or story. I thought that Korine had taken a turn for the lucid with Spring Breakers, but he just isn't interested in making anything consistent enough for me. There's an hour of consequence-free episodes to follow, though I did cherish Jonah Hill's three improvised scenes, for which he tries a sort of Tennessee Williams voice. You can admire how audacious some of the choices are--describing Zac Efron wearing Jncos makes the film sound more fun than it is--but looking at the poster gives you about 70% of what you would get out of the long ninety-five minutes. Yes, McConaughey's shoes are funny, but what else have you got? 126. Fyre Fraud (Jenner Furst, Julia Willoughby Nelson)- Half as good as the Netflix one. Please, by all means, explain to me what a millenial is again. 125. The Kitchen (Andrea Berloff)- One of my mentors stressed that Shakespeare worked in "cultural touchstones," truisms that weren't difficult to prove but served as a sandbox for all of the juicy stuff. So we all know that, say, too much ambition is a bad thing, but having that North Star at all times allows Shakespeare to ply his trade with character development and imagery and symbol. I know that The Kitchen isn't funny or cool or original, but it also doesn't really have an emotional or thematic core. It's a movie with neither the window dressing nor the window. I don't know what I'm getting at, but I watched the last five minutes twice to make sure that it actually was as anti-climactic and inert as I thought.

124. Climax (Gaspar Noe)- Ah, to be a provocateur who has made his best work already and took all of the wrong lessons from it. I don't envy Noe, who insists on formal rigor even when it adds nothing, who goes to greater, more desperate lengths to shock. A third of this film, embedded somewhere between the three openings, is gross young people talking, lewdly and clinically, about whom they want to bone. I thought I started watching French art movies to get away from locker rooms. 123. The Best of Enemies (Robin Bissell)- The supporting cast of Anne Heche, Wes Bentley, and John Gallagher Jr. avail themselves better than the finger-wagging, scenery-chewing leads, but that hardly matters in a movie this fundamentally broken. Apparently no one saw the problem with making a Ku Klux Klan president the dynamic hero of a school integration that he fought against, but that's how the story functions. He's the guy who casts the deciding vote and gives the speech at the end, but it's a bit anti-climactic for an audience that assumes, yeah, the White race is not morally superior to any other race. Congratulations on your realization, buddy. Long before that, Sam Rockwell’s character is inconsistent. Neither the Rockwell performance nor the Robin Bissell script can thread the needle between showing the heinous terrorist that a Klan member is and revealing the depth that foreshadows the character's change. The answer is to show the character being nice to his developmentally disabled son, which, again, doesn't get all the way there. That's cool that you love your own son, but, uh, that has nothing to do with the hatred that made you shoot up a girl's house because she has a Black boyfriend. Of course you can show these contradictions and changes in a character incrementally--lots of good movies have--but this one ain't going on the list. 122. The Intruder (Deon Taylor)- Probably the most two-star movie of the year. Prototypical in its two-starness. Instructive to me as far as what I give two stars. There’s a point of view error in the first twenty minutes that ruined it for me. ADMIRABLE FAILURES 121. Little (Tina Gordon Chism)- We're all good on body swap movies for a while. This one, otherwise undistinguished in its comedy or storytelling, is notable for just how specifically 2019 it might look in a time capsule: Here's a joke about transitioning as we're on our way to our job developing apps; there's a kid doing The Floss and talking to Alexa. Whoops! Bumped into a guy wearing a VR headset! 120. The Kid Who Would Be King (Joe Cornish)- I appreciate that somebody is still making movies for 9-10 year old boys, but I checked out hard and kind of just left this on until it was done. I don't like lore. Much less funny and urgent than Attack the Block, and it's crazy that this is the only project that came together for Joe Cornish in the intervening eight years. 119. Godzilla: King of the Monsters (Michael Dougherty)- Exhausting and joyless in its large-scale destruction, Godzilla: King of the Monsters pitches everything at the same volume, and even the end of the world ends up not mattering as a result. Despite (or maybe because of) the presence of such great actors, the screenplay dilutes the characters by having three fighter pilots or three scientists when all the lines really could have been given to one of these interchangeable figures. That's first draft stuff, homie. Still, Kyle Chandler is kind of awesome as the weathered one shouting about how everyone else is playing God. He reminds me of Larry Fitzgerald toiling away with professionalism on teams that would never sniff the playoffs. 118. Blinded by the Light (Gurinder Chadha)- I made it about twenty minutes into this movie before flipping the switch and making fun of it relentlessly. It tries to strike the heart-on-sleeve authenticity that a Springsteen song does, but if The Boss never overwhelms you with language, almost every line of dialogue in this film spells out what the character is thinking. The overbearing father is especially intolerable: "What is this music? You need to get rid of distractions and focus on getting a good job so that you don't end up a taxi driver. Like me!" I'm only sort of paraphrasing. Blinded by the Light is too well-meaning to be offensive, but it's absurd in its spoon-feeding. LMK, ladies: On the third time that I have headphones in my ears during a conversation with you, and I start buttering you up with lyrics to "Jungleland," will you still love me? 117. Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (David Leitch)- What a summer, huh? The go-for-broke final setpiece redeems the film somewhat, and Vanessa Kirby is a welcome addition to the universe. But Idris Elba's first line, responding to a question about who he is, is "Bad Guy," and the characterization doesn't go too much further. I feel as if I have honed the requisite disposition to enjoy a Fast and Furious movie, but that doesn't mean that the most cliched thing has to happen at the most cliched time in the most cliched way.

116. I Lost My Body (Jeremy Clapin)- Not for me ultimately. The film presents itself as above the tropes of cinematic romance but sure seems to circle around them. Clapin is willing to set up the pins of, say, "I'm actually the pizza delivery guy but have kept it a secret for a year," but he is unwilling to knock the pins down with anything resembling catharsis. I don't know if the French bowl, but feel free to substitute whatever kind of metaphor they might get offended by.

115. The Lion King (Jon Favreau)- I saw the original Lion King when I was ten: old enough to think that Disney movies were beneath me but young enough to know nothing about art or the world. And I remember the way that the songs transcended reality: "I Just Can't Wait to Be King" turning into a Busby Berkeley number, "Be Prepared" taking on an expressionist green tint. It was mass entertainment that was far from experimental, but I remember thinking, "Can you do that?" As an artistic experiment, this remake is kind of confounding, to the point that I don't know whether to classify it as an animated or live-action film. The final scene starts upside down, and your eye adjusts to the idea that you're looking at a reflection in a stream, but that stream is a Caleb Deschanel-aided, computer-generated reflection of a reality. However, I return to my original point: You're missing something if you think The Lion King is a better story if it's more realistic. Capably made as The Lion King 2019 is, no one is referencing 42nd Street. These Disney remakes just reference themselves. 114. Stuber (Michael Dowse)- The critical community has been pretty forgiving of Stuber; I guess because it's a type of studio film that used to be common but now is not. Judged on its own merits, however, it's labored. The screenplay circles around questions of masculinity, but not in a way that hasn't been done better in other recent comedies. Perhaps most disappointing of all, I've seen Iko Uwais and Bautista fight before, and it looked a whole lot cooler than the way they're sliced and diced here. The ending's sweet at least. 113. After the Wedding (Bart Freundlich)- Think of what Julianne Moore could have accomplished in the time it took in her career for her to shoot four crappy movies with her husband. This is the type of melodrama that makes more sense after all of the revelations have cleared the air, but that doesn't mean the preceding hour and a half was any more fun because of the aftermath. 112. The Goldfinch (John Crowley)- One day someone's going to figure out how to coherently adapt a Dickensian novel and actually do that thing Crowley is trying to do: condensing two hundred pages of back story into 1/8th of a page here or a line there. Somebody's going to be able to figure out the little moments that are important and the big moments that aren't. And you'll all be sorry. The movie is ultimately hampered by the bad ending of the novel, in which a person who isn't a mystery writer has to solve a mystery. Perfect casting for Luke Wilson though. He definitely looks like a whiskey-faced dad who would steal your social security number. 111. The Souvenir (Joanna Hogg)- This movie is autobiographical. The protagonist has the same initials as Joanna Hogg, and she's attending film school at the same time Hogg did. But what a self-own it is for your hero, based on you, to be this inexpressive and restrained and deferential. The film is mostly about a cold romantic relationship--and I guess what the character learns through that experience--but when her beau's friend asks what she sees in him, she can't really say. Neither can the audience. I guess it's a skill to write a scene in which a family is having an argument that is so clenched-jaw reticent that the viewer can't even discern the topic of conversation for a few minutes, but it's not a skill I appreciate. 110. The Dead Don’t Die (Jim Jarmusch)- Jim Jarmusch must be a very good friend.

109. Velvet Buzzsaw (Dan Gilroy)- If the film were funny, I wouldn't mind the lack of narrative drive. If the film had narrative drive, I wouldn't mind the lack of atmosphere--glaring for a film that circles around to horror eventually. If the film had more to say, I wouldn't mind how pedantically it says it. If the protagonist's change of heart made sense, then I wouldn't mind that his conversion apparently happens off-screen. At least most of the actors seem to be having fun. I wasn't. 108. It: Chapter Two (Andy Muschietti)- I started squirming in my seat during a sequence somewhere in the circuitous second hour. Bill sees his old bike in an antiques window, haggles with a Stephen King shopkeeper cameo, and finishes the scene on a triumphant note, believing that his old bike will ride like the wind. Cut to the bike falling apart on the road, deflating his pride with comedy. Cut to a flashback of him riding the bike with young Beverly, serene and warm. Cut to him riding the bike again with determination until he stops, terrified. Within fifteen seconds, the film jerks us into four divergent emotions at a whim. The overall tone felt just as arbitrary to me, and that's before we get to the always-unclear line between fantasy and reality. And this time, the flashbacks of each young character's encounters with Pennywise are less scary because we know they all live into the present. Andy Muschietti just does not have a light enough touch to make this movie work.The last forty-five minutes are interminable. But I had all the same gripes with the first chapter, so personal taste is a factor. 107. Trial by Fire (Edward Zwick)- Perfect example of a true story that could use some poetic justice. I don't want to give away anything that the first line of the imdb summary doesn't already, but this ending could have been much more satisfying by changing one or two lines. This is a movie that recreates, multiple times, babies burning alive, but the ending is somehow more punishing. It's also one of those films that should have just begun at the halfway point. If we can praise special effects when they're done well, then they should be fair game when they're this embarrassing. Zwick definitely put his flash drive into the Lifetime computers for fire.exe.

[guyveranimefan87-blog]

Guyver’s Book Recommendations #02

In recent years Pulp, or rather New Pulp is experiencing a very successful revival, both with re-releases of classic stories, like Doc Savage and The Shadow, or modern reboots of old characters like Green Lama or Black Bat, but also with completely new characters who, while based on the classic heroes, can stand on their own.

One of the most interesting ideas in New Pulp is certainly „Sovereign City Project” by Pro Se Productions. 

And what is it?

Well, it's a shared New Pulp universe populated by characters created by the best writers in the genre, like Barry Reese, Tommy Hancock, Derrick Ferguson, and Ron Fortier, allowing them for team-ups, crossovers and so on, kinda like MCU, but without added baggage of 50+ years of continuity and lore from the comics, and no set "canon" letting the creators to really let their imaginations run wild.

And I would like to present one of the flagship characters of the Sovereign City Universe...

„The Adventures of Gravedigger” by Barry Reese.

Despite being a huge fan of Barry Reese’s writing I was initially skeptical of „The Adventures of Gravedigger”.

I mean, his previous New Pulp heroes were at least in part based on the recognizable archetypes, with Lazarus Gray being cut from the same mold as Doc Savage and The Avenger, while The Peregrine was a part of the masked vigilante legacy started with The Shadow, The Spider and Batman.

But Gravedigger was a completely new and original character, having no classic Pulp ancestor, no previous legacy to lean on, which was a really bold move, since the whole New Pulp movement is based on the love that both writers and readers share for those old, nostalgic stories from the 30’s and 40’s.

The fact that Mr. Reese’s new character was also a woman, was even more risky.

I mean, when we think about, there were very few female Pulp characters, and most of them were either just archetypal damsels in distress to be saved by our dashing protagonists, or even more clichéd femme-fatales, who used their looks to charm men, like Domino Lady.

Still, curiosity had won, and I bought the first volume of “The Adventures of Gravedigger”, and was very pleasantly surprised, because Gravedigger quickly become one of my favorite New Pulp characters.

Our heroine is Charity Grace, a young woman from Sovereign City, born from the union of the poor prostitute and a patriarch of rich and powerful Grace family. Due to the fact that her father was afraid of a scandal, that might be caused by the fact that he sired an illegitimate child, he left his mistress and daughter, and pretended they never existed.

Because of that, after her mother’s death Charity was forced to steal to survive, and quickly became a part of Sovereign’s criminal underworld, filled with hatred and jealousy towards “perfect” Grace family, particularly her half-sister Samantha.

Goaded by her boyfriend, she attempts to blackmail her father, but that plan is soon stopped by one of Sovereign City’s heroes, an enigmatic adventurer Lazarus Gray. To rub some salt into the wound, her sister, Samantha Grace ends up working for the mysterious crime fighter’s organization “Assistance Unlimited”, soon becoming one of the city’s protectors, and gaining adoration, while Charity is left with nothing once again.

But then, one night everything changes.

Charity tries to rob the mansion of the rich, elderly antique collector, Joseph Goldman, but as she soon finds out, old man not only somehow knew she would attempt to rob him, but actually waited for her to do it.

Then, she is shot to death, and buried in the local cemetery. But it is not the end, but just a beginning.

Charity unexpectedly hears a mysterious Voice, that gives her an offer she can’t refuse. If she agrees to serve the mysterious entity for the next three years as an extension of it’s will, and a tool to punish evil, she would not only return to life, but also would be gifted with superhuman abilities, to help her with carrying on this mission.

There Is a catch however.

If during this three year period she would not atone from her past sins, she would die once again, and her soul would suffer an eternity of unspeakable torment and pain, without any chance of redemption.

She of course accepts and is resurrected as the latest incarnation of the ages-long legacy of Gravedigger. It turns out, that Joseph Goldman was also bearing the mantle of Gravedigger in his youth, and everything that happened to Charity during that night was an attempt to create a successor for himself.

Now, dressed in the distinct costume, and armed with an arsenal of deadly weapons and superhuman physical attributes newest Gravedigger becomes a symbol of fear in Sovereign City’s criminal underworld. But would she be able to redeem herself that way? And wouldn’t she lose herself among the bloodbath and violence?

Only time will tell…

“The Adventures of Gravedigger” not only does a great job with establishing a new, interesting heroine, but also subverts quite a lot of traditional Pulp tropes, while still retaining the spirits of beloved stories from 30’s and 40’s.

For example, most if not all Pulp heroes come from upper classes of the society, being either heirs of rich and influential families (Doc Savage, Green Lama, The Spider etc.), or self-made men whose talents and drive made them wealthy and powerful (The Avenger, The Shadow, Black Bat etc.).

This was of course a part of their charm, to make them more fabulous and impressive, but the fact stands. And, let’s be honest here, who would like to read about a blue-collar worker, or low-level clerk fighting crime, especially in the 30’s?

Charity on the other hand is a former criminal, and an illegitimate daughter of the prostitute who spent most of her life in poverty, struggling to survive. Because of that, when she suddenly gains access to Goldman’s vast fortune, and an opportunity to live in his lavish mansion she is quite overwhelmed, and more than a little uncomfortable.

In the old Pulps a character like her would at most be a hero’s sidekick, to act as his or hers source in the criminal circles, as it was done with Gary Brown from “Green Lama”, or various agents of The Shadow, but here she is a protagonist. It’s quite an unusual idea, but works really well, while adding originality to the character, differentiating her from the other heroes in the New Pulp genre.

And when we talk about companions, her aide and helper Mitchell also subverts quite lot of traditional tropes by himself.

At first glance he appears as just dumb muscle, described as huge, muscular black man with bald head, and intimidating presence, who works as Goldstein’s driver, bodyguard and servant. He is also revealed to be a former criminal whom previous Gravedigger spared and took under his wing.

Characters like that were also common in the original Pulps, since hero needed a non-white sidekick to be more “exotic” and interesting. Thus we got Tsarong, an old Tibetan monk acting as a servant for Green Lama, The Spider’s Sikh butler and sidekick Ram Sighn, or getting out of Pulps, Green Hornet’s driver and sidekick Kato.

To put it bluntly, just someone to show off how whites are superior to everyone, both in physical and mental abilities. Not to mention that most of those characters were exaggerated stereotypes, like African-Americans being portrayed only as dimwitted servants, butlers etc., that only spoke in broken, barely understandable English.

True, there were rare examples of non-Caucasian characters portrayed fairly and without utilizing racist stereotypes prevalent at the time, like Josh and Rosabel Newton from “The Avenger” stories, but such a portrayal of minorities were rarer than unicorns…

As I mentioned above, Mitchell initially looks like those characters, but it almost immediately proves to be a very wrong assumption.

As it turns out he is not only a well-spoken and educated, intelligent man, but also a lot more knowledgeable and experienced than Charity, who due to her circumstances never really got formal education. He is also an excellent judge of character, and soon enough becomes Charity’s emotional support and aide, curbing her more violent and suicidal tendencies.

Due to his years alongside Goldstein he is also a very capable crime fighter, well-versed in martial arts, a crack-shot, and an excellent driver. Actually, he is the one who trains Charity for her role as the newest Gravedigger, being both her instructor, sparring-partner and mentor.

The idea of Gravedigger mantle is also quite interesting, and rather original.

Due to the fact that numerous people taken up the role of Voice’s enforcer author can create and utilize other characters than just Charity, not only expanding his universe, but also showing how various people reacted to the fact they were resurrected as tools of supernatural being, who might or may not be God.

For example in the first volume of the series we glance on the Gravedigger of the late XVIII century, who clashes with the legendary Headless Horseman, and some of the exploits of Joseph Goldman during World War I are also mentioned.

It is kinda similar to the cult-classic comic book superhero The Phantom, with the title and costume being inherited, but when there it is based around members of Walker family, while Voice chooses people from different places and backgrounds.

Barry Reese himself also admitted that he was in part inspired by The Shadowman from Valiant Comics, as that particular hero knew when he was supposed to die, which in turn influenced his actions and character.

In “Adventures of Gravedigger” the motif of the deadline our heroine has to meet is also very prominent and influences characters greatly, which makes them even more interesting.

Charity herself, well aware that her time is precious practically lives with her mission, only making breaks to train and plan another missions, or when she is too wounded to go on. Her whole life centers around being Gravedigger, punishing the wicked, and fighting evil.

Her obsession makes her more withdrawn and disconnected from people, as well as more brutal and merciless.

Her friends try to get to her, try to make her consider her health and well-being, but it is not easy, as she still has problems with trust, and opening to others, due to her life on the streets…

Now, someone reading this may think that “The Adventures of Gravedigger” Is only about subversion of Pulp tropes, analyzing characters and whatnot, but it is not only that. In fact there is an abundance of fast, dynamic action, as well as thrilling adventures, just like in good old Pulps.

For example we get Charity / Gravedigger and her crew fighting an occultist calling himself Thanatos, who gained magical powers through the use of Necronomicon, investigating a murder mystery in the mansion known as the Hendry House, rumored to be cursed and connected with the legends of the dreaded Headless Horseman, and her team's struggle against the new contender for the title of most powerful criminal of Sovereign City, a mysterious figure calling himself Charon, as well as their conflict with the other heroes.

And that's just the first volume of the three...

So, if You like old school action, adventure, bit of horror, or want to see how to write a strong female protagonist without changing her into a empty, uninteresting Mary Sue, then give „The Adventures of Gravedigger” a chance.