#my bosses are ultimate chillers

[yourworldiseternallycomplete]

had my first day of work todayyy

[directdogman]

random DSaF thing I'm not sure if people picked up on.

Something significant about the DSaF 3 phones that popped into my head while I was writing the last post comparing Peter's DSaF 2 and DT incarnations that I didn't bother mentioning bc it was long enough

Harry and Jake are actually parallels to Steven + Peter respectively with a few major differences applied. (warning a LOT of text:)

Both Harry + Steven are generation 1 phones. They're both shown to be fairly by the book and are able to completely turn off their empathy when situations call for it. Both are completely disconnected from their former identities in a way that the other phones aren't. To further cement this connection, Harry is even shown to be the one that sent Steven to the factory. If an employee dies in your restaurant, Harry's response to it is pretty much what Steven's would've been.

Ultimately, he is a company man, like Steven. Just like Steven trying to save himself by any means necessary in DSaF 1, his confrontation in DSaF 3's evil route specifically talks about how much you've cost him and while he clearly feels disgust with you, he more so drills the futility and sheer callousness of what you're doing in rather than really tries to make you feel bad for the bad things you do. He speaks to you like you're more of a failure than anything else. You're not HIS employee, but as the former head of the franchise, speaking to the person who just killed it for the final time. He focuses on what you specifically took away from him, turning the conversation back to himself. His final words are a cold goodbye. His response to your actions is close to what Steven's could've been in this situation.

Ultimately, he's even more of an insider than Steven and someone with more of a direct connection to the cycle of misery that occurred at Freddy's. Basically, several of Steven's defining qualities are amped up in different ways.

Peter on the other hand, is not a company man. He's a gen 2 phoney, more in touch with his personal identity and in the good ending of 2, even escapes in order to reunite with his old lost family. He's generally a chiller boss than Steven, clearly caring more about the well-being of staff/customers than making the company happy.

Jake, similarly, also is in touch with his personal identity. Like Peter, he escaped in order to find his family, but as his backstory scene in 3 points out, this didn't go to plan. Jake, on the surface, seems like a polar opposite to Peter in how overtly cynical he is, a word he deliberately uses to describe himself in his DSaF 3 callout. However, this actually masks something that's more evident if you listen to him in certain key scenes.

Jake cares about others. A LOT. I based his characterization on a George Carlin quote: 'Scratch [the surface of] a cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist'. It shows what Peter could've been if he'd never reconnected with his family or been able to correct any of the ills he came across. Someone who was worn down by life and put up walls as a result. But, the underlying care is still there and affects his decisions/words at key moments.

If you read his equivalent callout in 3 very carefully, there's some pretty strong parallels to Peter's callout in 2. He notably drills home the fact that you abused the trust of customers so you could feed like a monster. He mentions having higher hopes for you, hoping you were going to be someone better. Even after all Jack's done, he still expresses shock that he feels no remorse at all. His scene ends with a much harsher line, commanding Jack to never contact him again, akin to Peter's closing line in the equivalent 2 scene.

Also, notably, he breaks the no cursing Phone Guy rule in the scene. His reaction if an employee gets springlocked at your location is also noticeably more Peter-esque, remembering what he went through and not wanting another person to turn out the same, in contrast to Harry deciding to just go by the book, a decision that directly led to the creation of Steven pre-DSaF 1.

Okay, that's about it. I bet there's people out there who caught this (knowing me, I've said all of this before and forgot about it) but I figured a few people might find it interesting regardless. thanks, everyone!

[anoseforrottenapples]

//After having spent several days (and counting) carefully working my way through “Death and Dreams” (Series 6, episode 2) for icon purposes, I have re-enforced a conclusion I had when I first watched this episode. I’ve seen it claimed several times that the reason Troy and Barnaby were chiller toward each other in that episode was because Barnaby knew Troy and Cully had kissed each other. However, as far as I can tell, there’s no point in the episode where the Kiss is actually discussed….ever….with anyone. Barnaby knows Troy and Cully were together when they found the second body and he might have his suspicions but, as far as I can tell, the Kiss is something Troy and Cully keep between themselves. Rather, the reason they’re having communication issues is that Troy seriously disapproves of how overly affectionate Barnaby is being toward Doctor Moore and….frankly…I don’t blame him for the most part. Sure, he’s a little jealous that Barnaby is relying on Moore and not discussing the case as much with him as usual….but there are more serious issues at play. Firstly, if anything goes wrong in the Barnaby family dynamic (like Barnaby having an affair); Troy is in the perfect place to get caught smack in the middle between his boss and his boss’s family. That is a place no sane person wants to find themselves in. Now I know a lot of fans got insulted at the very idea that Troy would think his boss might have an affair but…look at their track record in Midsomer. Every episode has at least ONE couple having affairs—sometimes one spouse is stepping out and sometimes both of them are—so Troy would not be a stranger to the idea. He would also have to be a fool to think he or his boss would be immune to the same foibles and temptations of human life. Secondly, Barnaby’s reliance on Dr. Moore is keeping his vision somewhat clouded about the case, especially as the episode starts showing that Moore’s grasp on the community around her is not as….accurate as it could be? I mean….she missed the fact that two of the murder victims were actively creeping on the younger women in town (a fact that ultimately made them easy to murder) and she missed the MAJOR spoiler-y red flags really close to home. Finally, I really get a strong impression that Troy’s had some bitter personal experience in this area. This is kind of supported by his annoyed reactions in other episodes when dealing with affairs, particularly guys laughing off the fact that they’re stepping out on their wives with a little ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge We’re all guys here’ attitude. I headcanon that Troy’s dad left the family when Troy was seven and married a woman he met through his job. Hence, Troy’s expectations that Joyce and Cully must have been worried when Barnaby spent several days working closely with Doctor Moore on an earlier case and his confusion/sarcastic amusement when Cully just goes “Why should we have been? It was a working relationship”. I also think that both of Troy’s parents were too stubborn to leave Causton so Troy grew up with his mom while living in a town where he regularly ran into his father and his stepmother when he was just going out and about. Even though his dad died when Troy was 13 and his step-mom and half-sister moved to London afterwards, the experience was understandably rough on him and his mother. Troy is not interested in having to see Joyce and Cully end up in a similar situation just because his boss treads too close to the fire and ends up crossing some lines he really should not.

[benisasoftboi]

Gushing time.

Rune Factory 4 Special arrived a day early, so my entire day has been consumed in nostalgia. The original Rune Factory 4 was the first video game I ever bought on release day - I remember saving up all my money and making my mum drive me to like three different shops trying to find one that had it. I was already a fan of the franchise - before then, Rune Factory 3 had been my favourite video game, across the board. Aside from a playthrough of the first game last year, I haven’t played a Rune Factory game in a long time, certainly not RF4. But just starting up the game and hearing the music again, it was like it was suddenly seven years ago. Running around Selphia and seeing all the characters again - I love JRPGs, have played a lot of them, and I can think of very few that have characters that have stuck with me this long. And the aesthetics - the best thing about the Rune Factory franchise has always been the aesthetics, the music, the scenic and character design, just the general world. It’s a beautifully whimsical balance of urban and fantasy, and it’s the only JRPG world I think I’ve ever come across that I would genuinely want to live in. Rune Factory may no longer be my favourite game franchise - but I don’t think there has ever been another series that has felt so much like home to me.

Here’s a very long selection of personal highlights from the art book (by which I mean photos of the art followed by my rambling opinions):

Yeah, see, here’s the thing - Rune Factory 1 is not a good game. I could write an entire essay on why it’s bad (I actually started and got pretty damn far before realising no one’s interested in my two thousand word review of a game that came out over a decade ago - the short version is ‘Misty Bloom-fucking-Cave’. Anyone who’s played RF1 knows exactly what I mean). Don’t get me wrong, it has good qualities - excellent boss fights, for one, and also, as with the rest of the franchise, it is aesthetically wonderful. But ultimately, it feels less like playing a video game, and more like playing a proof of concept for a game. Which I guess it kind of was - and I can’t hate it because we wouldn’t have the rest of the series without it.

But it literally ends with a dragon spewing plant breath on a tank to make a turnip grow out of the gun. ‘Profound’, my arse. 

It’s Raguna! The “master sowrdsman!” (that is not a typo on my part that is a direct quote from the ending of Rune Factory 1 this game’s script had so many issues-). And Mist! My favourite of the ‘canon’ love interests!

Best girl! When I was a kid, my favourite love interest in RF1 was Rosetta. As an adult, it is Tabatha. I don’t know what it is about her that I find so likeable (she’s as lacking in personality as any other RF1 character), but... idk, I just like her a lot.

Camus’s big ambition is to leave town like even once. He will never achieve it

Fun fact about Melody is that she’s extremely depressed, a fact that comes up once in an optional side quest and is never addressed again. It’s incredibly dark for an RF game

Fun fact about Lukas is that he sucks (he’s one of those ‘obsessed with talking about how hot all the girls are’ characters, an archetype that thankfully doesn’t show up again in these games). But also, interestingly enough, thanks to one of RF1′s many, many script errors, if you marry Rosetta (the girl Lukas is the most obsessed with), he’s supposed to express disappointment that he lost her to Raguna - but instead, he implies that he’s disappointed to have lost Raguna to her. The translators typoed their way into giving him a sexuality change. Which is honestly kind of amazing.

LOOK AT THIS SLIME THIS IS SUCH A COOL SLIME LITERALLY EVERY OTHER JPRG SLIME GO HOME DRAGON QUEST GET FUCKED (jk I like Dragon Quest a lot and its slimes are cool too). Wish you could see in-game that this is what they’re meant to be like.

I just generally love the monster designs, they’re really charming

Rune Factory 2! The RF game with the most weirdly mundane protagonist name (Kyle. In the main four games of this franchise we’ve got Raguna, Micah, Lest, Frey... and Kyle). The two generations thing was actually very cool, but when they say ‘each chapter captures a different lifestyle’, what they really mean is ‘the first half is a weak Harvest Moon I’m sorry, STORY OF SEASONS game, and the second half is a pretty good Rune Factory game’  

lookit this little fuck

Yue Yue Yue! I love Yue so much, she’s great. She’s kind of like a much chiller version of Anna from Fire Emblem.

It’s really cool that we got to see grown up Cecilia (she was in RF1). I have this silly headcanon that if Kyle doesn’t marry Mana, Nicholas (her friend in 1) comes to visit Cecilia one day in the hazy-post game future, and meets Mana, and they get together. While Yue is my favourite, I do genuinely like Mana a lot, and I just want her to find love, I guess.  

Here’s original Barrett! There’s a reason he was popular enough to make a reappearance (well, aside from the whole grumpy pretty boy thing he’s got going on) - he was a great character in this game. His and Dorothy’s relationship is also definitely the most compelling of the rival romances. Bonus Max, who also has a little shout-out in RF4 (check the diary in what will become Dylas’s bedroom at the start of the game)

Ray is male, but apparently he was originally going to be a female character, as he has an unused portrait in a wedding dress. My friend and I agree that this makes him a Trans Icon

Monster designs remain excellent. Especially the goblins

Skipping over Frontier (and also Oceans later), as I never got to play it growing up due to not having a console, and still haven’t got around to it - might try this summer. Except I do need to point out that these guys should be memes. I don’t know in what way. But they should.  

Rune Factory 3! My first RF game. The transformation thing was very cool, even if it was basically useless outside the main story. My friend and I spent hours mucking about in the WiFi dungeon. I loved the desert settlement and all of the dungeon designs in general, and man, RF3 is just great. I hope it gets a remake one day.

Raven Raven Raven! I LOVE Raven (as do most). Her story with Micah is the first time I can remember getting genuinely invested in a video game romance. I’m so glad she cameos in RF4. I love her. She’s wonderful.

I have an odd fondness for Marian. When I was about twelve, I decided to do a playthrough where I deliberately romanced the least popular bachelorette. After poking around on forums, I determined that character to be Marian, and did a run with her. And... I actually came to really like her. I find her endearing. I get that people find her annoying and don’t like her... unethical medical practices, but doing that run has still made me a pretty protective of her. It’s been a long time since I played RF3, so maybe I’d change my mind if I replayed now, but currently, as far as I’m concerned,  Marian’s a good’un.

I think I also used to low key ship her with Collette lol 

Pia’s official art has always been super weird to me because it’s so not what her character is like in-game. She’s a ditzy airhead. This makes her look so serious

RAINBOW! Another character whose art makes them look way more serious than they actually are. Daria is great and would be a meme if this game was more popular. I think she’s also implied to be a relative of Margaret. 

I’ve always been super confused about what Kuruna’s skirt is meant to be. Is it fur? Is it part of her shirt? Is it even a skirt at all?

Check it out, it’s the guy everyone would ship Micah with if this game was more popular

I want Zaid to make a reappearance and interact with Doug. Pretty sure it’s canon that they’re from the same clan? Think it would be very interesting.

RF3 definitely had the coolest farm. Also, still love the desert settlement.

This is from Oceans, so I have no context, but it’s just so cool that I had to share

Rune Factory 4. Culmination of the series is right - when I was playing it for the first time, I remember being blown away by just how much it is a true love letter to the franchise. I have never come across another game series that so consistently grew and improved from entry to entry. RF4 was a perfect ending.

Not that I’m complaining about getting RF5. Quite the opposite.

But if it had been the end (as we all thought it was until about a year ago), well, like I say. Perfect. 

Well. Aside from soda can nipples. Can’t believe they didn’t fix those. Though in some ways, that would have made me sad too

Dolce has such a cool design, in both human and monster form. I’ve always kind of crack-shipped her with Margaret, for no real reason at all

Vishnal! I love Vishnal. Vishnal is pure as heck. Marrying him this time around.

Doug! My choice from last time around. Another character who looks more serious in his official art than he is in-game (well... most of the time)

And then there’s Dylas, who looks much happier here than he does most of the time. Kind of looks like he and Doug swapped bodies, actually. There’s a fanfic prompt for you.

Their ship name is Dyldo. I love them

Leon is nostalgic for me mostly because my friend and I used to get into a lot of arguments about whether or not he’s the hottest character in the game. She maintains that he is, because muscles. I maintain that muscles aren’t actually that attractive. It is a rift that divides us to this day

(He looks oddly... younger in this art though? Weird)

Sechs Empire is such an unfortunate name. Seriously. How rushed was RF1′s localisation team? All those script errors, and then this (the Sechs were the antagonists in the first game, and were only referenced in passing in the rest until RF4 - so it was a bit of a ‘sins of the father’ situation by then).

Seriously, try saying ‘Sechs Emperor’ out loud and tell me you can take this man seriously 

I??? Love??? Them???

I??? LOVE??? THEM???

Still confused as to why Kiel, Xiao Pai, Arthur and Margaret are on the cover now. Don’t get me wrong, I like them, but... Amber, Dylas, Dolce and Leon made way more sense? Even the Archival Cover makes more sense (Vishnal, Clorica, Forte), as those three are all kind of Lest/Frey’s servants (well, Forte for the whole town, but still). Of those first four, all but Arthur basically lift right out of the game with little-to-no impact on the story

NO HAT TABATHA NO HAT TABATHA

I’ve always really loved this Raven picture

And I am thankful for you <3

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

Death in the Woods by Bernie Steadman

West Country Crime Mysteries #1

 Detective Inspector Dan Hellier is lead in his first murder investigation soon after he transfers to Exeter from the big city. Supervising him as his senior advisor is soon to retire, Ian Gould.

 Who was murdered? Sixteen year old, Carly Braithwaite, who seemed to have a big successful future ahead of her.

Who found her? Schoolmates out to sneak a smoke in the woods

How many potential killers are there? More than a handful

 As Dan begins the case he is full of himself and a bit brash but as time passes he realizes that there is much more to the job than he thought. He has let his temper rule him in the past and is trying to rein in his impetuousness as he leads his team in finding out what happened to Carly and who ended her life.  

 As an introduction to a new crime solving series this was filled with action, dealt well with the police procedural aspect of the story, introduced characters that will be seen throughout the series and made me care about more than one character while learning some rather horrific things as another criminal activity was uncovered. The story does deal with pedophilia, pornography, an Eastern European gang and a few things that may be triggers for some readers. It made me think again about how important it is for parents to be involved in their children’s lives and for them to maintain lines of communication with their children. I enjoyed the way those on Dan’s team began to work together as he found his place with them and I was thrilled that the bad guys were ultimately found and dealt with.

 Did I enjoy the book? Yes

Will I read more in the series? Yes

  Thank you to NetGalley and Bloodhound Books for the ARC – This is my honest review.

 4 Stars

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40125963-death-in-the-woods?from_search=true

BLURB

Meet Detective Inspector Dan Hellier, a man who needs to redeem his career and catch a killer.  

 Soon after DI Hellier returns home to Exeter under a cloud, the body of a talented young singer is found in the woods.

When her death reveals links to the boss of a recording studio, a predatory gang and a school music teacher, Hellier knows he has his work cut out.

Before any more innocent people are put in danger, Hellier will need to untangle the web of lies and work out which of many suspects are guilty of murder. But can he solve the case in time?

AUTHOR BIO

Bernie taught English for many years but only dabbled in short fiction and poetry until a few years ago when she took to writing full-time.  She completed her debut novel, Death in the Woods when she escaped the classroom and could finally stop marking essays. This was the first in the West Country Mysteries series featuring DI Dan Hellier and his Exeter-based team. There are now three in the series, Death on Dartmoor and Death on the Coast completing the series.        

 Bernie lives in a small village in East Devon and her novels are set in and around the ancient Roman city of Exeter, which has seen its fair share of murder and mayhem over the centuries. The books explore the beauty of the area, but demonstrate that even in the most charming of settings, terrible events may occur.

 When not glued to the laptop, Bernie is a keen yoga fan and enjoys walking and cycling in the Devon countryside with her husband. They share their home with two large, black cats which came from the animal sanctuary where she is a volunteer and trustee.

Links:

@BernieSteadman

http://basteadman.com/

https://www.facebook.com/ExeterCrimeSeries/

A Leading Independent publisher of crime and thriller fiction

                                                                     info@bloodhoundbooks.com

Bloodhound Books is a leading independent crime fiction publisher based in Cambridge, UK. We specialise in crime, thrillers, mystery & chillers.

http://www.bloodhoundbooks.com/

[itsamagicalmysteryworld-blog1]

10 Professional Tips to find the Best Wine Super-shops

Supermarket wine is a fact, such as snow tires along with the pervasiveness of this expression " back" Carefully researched, $50-plus bottles are just too valuable for everyday drinking if you are a Master Sommelier or even weeknight shopper expecting to wash Wednesday's dinner.

After we're purchasing wine in comparison to paper towels and simmer lettuce, then we are assigning advantage. But that does not mean quality must entirely drop by the wayside.

Tip: Follow these tips before buying a wine chiller

Complete Foods, Aldi, and Trader Joe's create cult attraction because of their funding ribbons (whatever the grade of some of the juice).

We polled sommeliers, importers, along with other industry insiders to view how they browse the wine pieces of big-box supermarkets. It turns out they've all kinds of keys for choosing out wine out of large chain shops. By strategically picking specific areas and promotions, and Preventing the dreaded "wine merchandise," you will locate unusually fantastic wines in your local superstore.

Catch a cart. We are hitting the aisles and arriving house with killer bottles.

This isn't the ideal way to purchase wine in the grocery store. Big or domestic chains usually have regional buyers that fill shelves otherwise in every place; also, as we all know, interstate wine shipping laws are incredibly complicated. Because of This, that good jar of Pinot Noir you located at a Ralph's at San Diego can light compared to this Pinot Noirs in a Cincinnati Kroger.

"In the event the supermarket [shows its wine] areas, I believe Spain nevertheless has some fantastic values with comparatively large quality criteria, similar to France and Italy. Additionally, you'll always discover a Garnacha there that is among my favorite grape varietals. Only enough fruit, balance and body to fulfill most."

Zarnagh's neighborhood series, Harris Teeter, organizes its screen from grape variety. Fortunately, there's a hint for this also.

"Look for the 'Additional Reds' segment," Zarnagh states. "In my regional Harris Teeter, it is the 'Syrah/Shiraz along with other Reds' section. It's possible to locate some exciting varieties here in case you are feeling a bit adventurous. Being a bit off the grid, such blossoms tend to be costly since they aren't frequently sought out by customers."

The solution is ultimately... occasionally. However, the top bottles are not necessarily those tagged "staff select," or perhaps those who have expensive price tags.

"On the flip side, if you find somebody operating in the wine field, stocking such and wine, ask them if they understand the roses to the shelves. Inform them with the type of wine you prefer and, even if they're in the company, they are likely going to trick one into something that is a fantastic price."

"Simply because it is available doesn't mean it is a lousy wine," she states. "Among my go-to bottles would be a Portuguese mix for about $ 10. Learn exactly what you enjoy, but do not be reluctant to try new things" It is possible to positively locate a jar for everybody from the boss into the in-laws because colossal range -- and all will not necessarily be in the milder end.

Unlike purchasing wine by the case by a vineyard or importer, lots of enormous grocery stores offer you multi-bottle discounts that permit you to mix and match ribbons.

"Should you discover a design or special bottling you like, or are considering trying a lot of fresh wines, many shops usually have quantity discounts on a couple of bottles," Master Sommelier Jack Mason states. "This can help take some of their risks from trying something new!"

To the cart. You will spend less for all of these.

Mason's treasured supermarkets, Texas-based HEB and Central Market chains that provide a 10 percent reduction on a couple of bottles. Safeway and Vons give precisely the same 10 percent, and Raley's chains offer 30 percent away or more containers, making purchasing in half-cases that a no-brainer. Check with the regional merchant, or jump on the internet and see what is offered in your area.

For Frost, neighborhood juice is that the motive to prevent using a grocer for the wine. "The principal reason I will encounter a grocery shop or store when I am out of the city is to get some regional wines," he states. "There is so much amazing stuff out there, and also I would like to taste it."

Since local wines are typical in neighborhood markets, grocery stores may sell them whereas wineries which disperse globally often will need to increase costs to compensate for massive import taxes or transportation expenses. In individual countries, such as California, a few wineries promote their bottles straight to local merchants, cutting out the middlemen (sorry, vendors) and saving clients money.

[redlemonz]

Day #8

My eyes are struggling to open today. Lack of sleep due to quantity of caffeine consumed last evening I’d assume, as my body isn’t quite use to it. And I have round two to look forward to this evening. I manage to roll out of bed, unwrapping my grip around a pillow I was holding against me - imagining it was her granting me the warmth during these chilling times (yes, I know it’s sad - but she is a one of a kind cuddle buddy). Plus I’m all warm and fuzzy, and in a sigh-in-content sort of good mood, if that makes sense at all (would be surprising if my mind did whatsoever at this point), simply from speaking to her and exchanging tree related puns with her late into the night before we went to sleep. She’s an expert of timber (or so her work believes anyway - shh) - so our battle of wits obviously was in her favour.. or rather that’s my excuse anyway (she always wins). The sweetest part is that though we said goodnight a fair few times during our snap conversation, it wasn’t ever final - well, until it was. The point being we (more importantly and surprisingly, she) kept returning to it with other pun, or some light banter, until we got to what equates to that situation where you find yourself in that weird part of YouTube, but the reality being the late night, half-asleep weirdness relating to picturing your former mutual boss, which you had as a security couple, in a very mentally scarring way. Definitely not going back there for a while, let’s leave it at that.

Day 8 - misfortunes of changing times

Tuesdays use to signify netball evening for nearly two years to me. I eventually became the organiser of our social team for a couple seasons, which grew overly exhausting over time - another interesting perspective that can certainly be reflected back upon our broken relationship. The fact that it became so agonising at times, with so much unnecessary effort and time beyond what was required by constantly having to ascertain numbers for each week, which was a growing struggle that led to the lack of overall commitment in the end and me, deciding that this sporting relationship had run its course. Everyone else got comfortable.. flexible.. as the time together in the team grew, and their sense of responsibility to be present slowly diminished over time. However she ended up being recruited as a loyal member of my team during this time also - and naturally, she was good at this too (certainly better than me anyway, although the challenging factor there is pretty minimal). She persevered and actually consistently made the effort as much as possible, alongside a couple others - and was able to be counted upon. Nevertheless, though it all fell apart and is now another cherishing memory of what signified Tuesdays, it also provides me with clarity upon the situation with these sporting evenings, that I know what it’s like to feel overly stressed and exhausted from what felt like a tedious and repetitive task - though still being enjoyable during its time. It was never going to continue on in that mannerism however, and I knew there would be an inevitable to arrive eventually. Similarly, I was on the other side of the court in this regard when it came to our relationship too - she finally got exhausted and tired, though constantly trying. It was all too much unnecessary effort over time, combing incredible amounts of pressure and stress to her mind, and her life which provided her nothing but negative energy (whilst I kept pushing her buttons even more so) that wasn’t worth it anymore. Though she still enjoyed the good times while they were present, once again, this could never continue to exist like this for the foreseeable future - she reached her tipping point like I did, but on a grander scale, and finally was able to conclude our inevitable fate which I directly effected through my behaviours. I’ve realised far too late yet again, and even though I’m finally starting to understand and gain these ongoing revelations, which should’ve been in fact, common sense (or you could have just listened to her, dipshit) I can’t go back and simply change that perspective, and convince her I’ve changed and I know now. It’s certainly been a learning experience, and as you’d have it, time would need to gradually pass before there’s even any consideration of another season to begin, way in the future, to free the overburden and pressures that were once already present. If it’s deemed worth it that is - and if you’re actually wanting to go back to that activity and run the same risks again, which we as human beings are not typical gamblers - especially the smart ones like her. She’s already gambled enough of her life away with me in fact, and to what reward? Nothing. She’s smart - and she knows this has come to its permanent, conclusive and determinant yet inevitable end as a result of thinking ahead to the possibilities and various timelines, and that it’s time to move on to a different sport, rather than be stuck. And I don’t blame her at all. Somewhat ironically, one of the few reasons I continued trying to pursue netball, especially for the unforeseen season, into my weekly calendar was so that I had an almost guarantee of being able to spend some more time with that beautiful soul. And that is always an invaluable treasure.

I’m afraid - all of a sudden. Once again, some doubts and uncertainties regarding our current behaviour together right now have begun crawling around in my head. I’m overthinking.. but I might not be? I don’t know what to believe anymore, and I’m not sure about where we stand - even though I know we’re over. And she’s 120% certain on that too, so no arguments or debates about it. But what if the reason things are going so perceptively smoothly, and that she’s reacting much chiller than I was believing would be the case, about this whole situation is due to the fact that she’s already over me? What if her feelings for me have already been diminishing at a rapid rate - considering all factors and our physical distance, it’s very much a strong possibility isn’t it. Not that it’s a bad thing at all - it’d just be sudden.. yet again, so to speak. I do understand that it is the goal after all, I’m fine with it for the most part, and even proud of myself to an extent because it reaffirms my own true feelings that I do in fact love her & want her to be happy - even if it means her forgetting me ever being more than a friend. Though even if I am happy for her to move on from me and actually live her life, without feeling stuck as she did with me, I suppose it’s also human nature for me to experience Newton’s third law - for every action there’s an equal & opposite reaction. Cause and effect - and the effect on me undeniably, inevitably and well, unfortunately is that I feel minuscule yet again. My self worth isn’t determined by her unless I allow it - but of course it is impacted nevertheless due to our long history & shared love together. Therefore I cannot help but currently undermine myself and feel like I didn’t really matter very much at all. It sucks, but at least I understand and can grasp hold of what I could be feeling and going through from this outsider perspective whilst experiencing it - the strengths of being a pessimist I suppose. Better than to get your hopes up and risk getting your already already damaged heart be stomped on further right? - Wrong. She’s worth every ounce of pain, and always will be. Otherwise it wouldn’t be true love. Yup, back in a fairytale as the hopeless romantic who remains hopeless until the end of time.. but no regrets here at all. Not in loving and caring for her all this time anyway - just for my selfish behaviour, as countlessly mentioned on several occasions (repetition is key. The emphasis reaffirms my own learnings from the mistakes I’ve made, and whom I don’t want to be again). Nevertheless, if she is already moving on - then so be it. So long as she’s smiling. Even if I’m not around to see it in the way I dearly wish I could, but can’t any longer.. and even if.. it’s with someone new. But I don’t want to picture that right at this time - it killed me enough to say it, let alone think of the possibility. Truth be told, I’m not sure whatsoever if I’d even be able to handle it and be around when that time comes. But I guess I’ll decide whether to walk in the opposite direction of that new bridge we’re on when we arrive. All I know is that the future freaks me out. I don’t know how to picture the possibility of a life without loving her in the way that I do, nor do I currently want to strive towards it. Yes you can use the age old argument that enough time passing will solve everything, and heal all these drastic wounds, and yeah that’s surely likely to be the case at some eventual circumstance in some point in each of our timelines (which for her could already be happening), but it’s never completely gone. A part of my heart will always belong to her no matter what, and love her for everything that she is. Because she’s never done me any wrong, and we haven’t actually separated on any unfaithful terms - just misfortunes clashes in personality, understanding and communication. Everything that actually has the potential to be resolved.. but cannot be due to the current exhaustion we’ve both suffered - especially her. So there’s no point pining on again about how I believe this could be stronger than ever, and our love could eventually conquer anything, as it has in the past. I’ve opened my ears now, I’ve taken a few steps finally - but I was ultimately too slow as she crossed the ending, that I didn’t foresee actually existed. And now here I am, drowning my sorrows with a whole box of pizza, alone. I miss having pizza with her.