#my bffs mom is in critical condition

[thedancemostofall]

But there’s something else I want to suggest here, and it’s to stop thinking about time entirely. Or, at least, to stop thinking about time as something consistent. We all know that time can be stretchy or compressed—we’ve experienced hours that plodded along interminably and those that whisked by in a few breaths. We’ve had days in which we got so much done we surprised ourselves and days where we got into a staring contest with the to-do list and the to-do list didn’t blink. And we’ve also had days that left us puddled on the floor and days that left us pumped up, practically leaping out of our chairs. What differentiates these experiences isn’t the number of hours in the day but the energy we get from the work. Energy makes time.

Here’s a concrete example, and perhaps a familiar one: someone is so busy with work and caretaking that they don’t make time for their art. At the end of the day they’re too tired to write or paint or make music or whathaveyou. So they don’t. Days, then weeks go by. They are more and more tired. They are getting less and less done. They take a mental health day and catch up on sleep but the exhaustion persists. Their overwhelm grows larger, becomes intolerable. The usual tactics don’t work. The catapult trundles closer.

Then one day they say fuck it all. They eat leftover pasta over the sink, drop mom off at her mahjongg game, and go sit in the park to draw. They draw for hours, until the sun goes down and they’re squinting under the street lights. And, lo and behold, the next day they plow through all those lingering to-dos. They see clearly that half of them were unnecessary when before they all seemed critical. They recognize a few others as things better handed off to their peers. They suddenly find time for attending to that one project they’d been procrastinating on for weeks. They sleep better. Their skin looks great. (Okay I might be exaggerating on that last one, but only mildly.)

It turns out, not doing their art was costing them time, was draining it away, little by little, like a slow but steady leak. They had assumed, wrongly, that there wasn’t enough time in the day to do their art, because they assumed (because we’re conditioned to assume) that every thing we do costs time. But that math doesn’t take energy into account, doesn’t grok that doing things that energize you gives you time back. By doing their art, a whole lot of time suddenly returned. Their art didn’t need more time; their time needed their art.

I’m using art here, because in my experience, most people have something shaped like that in their lives—some thing that when neglected siphons time and energy away but when attended to delivers it in droves. But you can substitute art for whatever activity or habit leaves you more energized, gives you that time back: puzzle night with your BFFs, organizing your colleagues, working a shift at the community garden, baking cookies for the block party, going to the woods, touching grass and all that.

The question to ask with all those things isn’t, “how do I make time for this?” The answer to that question always disappoints, because that view of time has it forever speeding away from you. The better question is, how does doing what I need make time for everything else?

[wheresmulder]

Having a.. bad time

[flying-elliska]

So I watched Happiest Season (livewatch with @beeexx my fave penguin enthusiast 🐧🐧🐧)

Overall I enjoyed it ? But it's not the light-hearted romcom it's been promoted as.

Spoilers !

The positive:

- Kristen Stewart, het icon of my teen years, is just glowing in this, like she is so happy to be finally playing gay lmao. This is really her story. Her character, Abby, is by turn charming, adorable, funny, and relatably awkward. Also, her glam butch style is just A++. And she has good chemistry with her co-star - they feel and behave like a believable couple (which has been a problem with actresses playing wlw in the past where you could really see they weren’t fully into it.) They were super cute together. This still feels cathartic somehow, like Bella Swan decided to go see a therapist instead of going off the deep end and finally figured herself out.

- I loved that this isn't the "token gays in a sea of straightness" trope. Abby's BFF is gay and really funny - and this particular trope feels a lot less annoying when the gay BFF is there for another gay person so it's more like queer solidarity instead of him being a prop for a straight person's development. Him trying to play straight was just hilarious. Aubrey Plaza plays Harper's (the other part of the main couple) ex and she is just great, seems a bit shady at first but her helping Abby out was just...so compassionate. Also she is probably the hottest character in this movie let's be real. And I loved the bit where she takes her to a drag bar (the straight bar where Harper goes to seems so drab in comparison fjfj)

- There were some funny, classic rom-com shenanigans moments - the sneaking around, getting stuck in the closet, etc...the creepy twins were quite funny too, if infuriating. My favorite was definitely Jane, the overlooked kooky sister, who "has been writing a fantasy book for the past ten years" (I can relate) and whose overachiever family has pretty much given up on her (I can also relate). 

-Ngl the whole ‘rich people being fake and neurotic and making everything x100 times more difficult than it has to be’ bit felt very realistic. Like, I’ve met those people, and they are just as annoying in this movie as they are in real life. Also a very realistic rep of having to fake who you are in a town full of fake people pleasers and over achievers (even if it was stressful to watch lmao) and how Christmas can bring out the worst in people.

- Even though it has issues, the ending was very heartfelt and I definitely cried. This movie is just really raw and sad in some parts, but in a way that felt genuine and you can tell that a lot of queer people were involved in making it. It really touches on this deep seated anguish of possibly being rejected, of not knowing whether your family is going to accept you or not, on desperately trying to pass because you’re afraid of change...I think a lot of that comes to the actors being really good, like all of them, and really acting their heart out. And the moment where the dad decides to forego a big donor/supporter because he doesn’t want to force his daugther to hide really touched me. I also really liked the part where the BFF talks about how everybody’s coming out journey can be different and it’s important to remember that, especially if you have the chance to come from a very tolerant background.

The Less Positive

- The movie has been criticized for being weirdly apolitical (for instance the dad is a mayor but we never learn anything about his actual political opinions) but tbh this is supposed to be a Hallmark-like holidays movie I think that’s kind of part of the genre to be in this sort of happy slightly tone-deaf bubble and I don’t think straight movies of this type get this sort of criticism so yknow i’m fine with that bit i guess not all queer movies should have to be deeply political (even tho yeah it’s still very homonormative and ‘all about family values’ etc etc)

- Most of the issues I have with this movie center around Harper, Abby’s love interest and the one who lies to her family about their relationship. Now, I think Mackenzie Davis is a really good actress. And I do feel sympathetic for the character. The movie really makes you understand all the pressure she’s under, how her parent’s love is conditional, all the public scrutiny, and why she behaves the way she does. And her finally pulling through made me cheer for her. However, there were a lot of moments in the movie where I was genuinely unsure if I should be rooting for Abby and her to stay together. She does a lot of things that are definitely deeply unhealthy and questionable and had me going ‘Abby pls run away while you still can’. I feel a lot of compassion for her. But I simply don’t think the movie gives us enough happy time with Abby and Harper for me to really want them to be together as a couple -they spend a big part of the movie being mad at each other. They should have given us more scenes with them at the start to really get a feel of who they are as characters and as a couple, so when it gets rough, we actually root for them to pull through. This is an issue a lot of mediocre romances have - they assume we will root for the characters just because they’re said to be in love. For me, that doesn’t really work. And even though the ending made me quite emotional (again, great acting) - as a romance, it doesn’t really work for me.

- I really liked the bit where the family realized they had been putting this pressure on each other to be perfect and as they shared all these secrets they finally came together as a family. But...honestly, the family started out as just so profoundly neurotic it felt a bit unbelievable (and their social circles felt like a nightmare). A bit like Abby and Harper’s relationship being all ok after Harper’s big change of heart. The whole ‘mom’s secret desire to do karate but it’s unlady-like’ being put on the same level as her daughter’s coming out had me rolling my eyes. And there is a forced coming out scene which I really really hate.

- I think what I am really tired of, is queer movies who center coming out so much, the anxiety of being accepted or not, etc. And who present coming out as this revolutionary process that is going to change everything immediately. In my experience, at least, it’s often a process of small inches, towards self acceptance, towards your family coming to terms and learning to be less unconsciously bigoted, sometimes good intentions, sometimes microagressions or being erased, etc etc. I also just really want queer stories and queer romances who are not centered on coming out, on ‘what will others/my family think’, who have shenanigans and tension based on other things, with characters who might struggle with self acceptance sometimes (or not) but who have other things going on as well and who are fuller characters. It’s about damn time. Until then, the movies we have will end up feeling a lot like a PSA for straight people.

Overall

I still think this is a pretty quality movie. Good acting, believable and often funny dialogue, good chemistry, etc. (And let’s be honest, the bar for wlw movies is uhhhh not very high.) I really enjoyed watching Kristen Steward play gay and have chemistry with pretty ladies. There was room for holiday gay movies (even tho I want to see more, with more diverse characters).

It feels like wish-fullfillment for a certain type of queer person - (upper) middle class, with parents who are...ambiguously accepting. It does transcribe well this tension of not really being to predict their reaction - and illustrates the importance of being very obviously accepting with your children - like tell them it’s okay for them to be gay from the start, even if they turn out to be straight - otherwise they will be left wondering if they’re not. It’s this fantasy that everything will turn out all-right after you come out, you will fit in your family better than before, your mistakes will be forgiven if you are earnest enough, and life can go on as usual but better. And it is sweet, and cathartic, in a way, even if not revolutionary.

But yeah, as a romance, I wasn’t entirely sold on it. And I think it was promoted as a lot more uplifting than it really was.

[kdramastuff]

Hi! Will you be watching Chocolate? :))

I am planning a hate-watch (more like hate-click-through) for the faces of the leads and the sceneries, while rolling my eyes at writers incredible shamelessness.

Let me just sum up what went down in eps 1 and 2 (even though I clicked through both so I might have not every detail).

Hungry little girl (who is being starved by her parents who want her to become an actress) gets fed self-made chocolates by some random boy (who turns out to be a secret son of a chaebol family). That happens during a vacation, so the two never meet again since girl's family suddenly decides to go back. The guy, meanwhile, burns his arm while cooking more chocolates for the girl.

At the same time boy's chaebol grandma comes by his mom's place to ask for the boy to be taken to his deceased dad's home (because she wants him to compete with the 2nd grandson for the role of the company heir). The actual chaebol grandson attacks our boy, and the two fall into water, and both end up in critical condition. As the doctors only care about the chaebol kid, the mom breaks down in tears and admits that her son is a chaebol too, so he is operated on. The boy gets taken away and presumably is treated like crap by his uncle's family. Next year the girl comes visit the boy and finds that he's not there anymore, also that he waited for her and got burned 'for her sake'. Aftet the first time-skip, both grandsons are surgeons and have a rivalry filled with hatred. Our guy's mom is dead and there wasn't even a proper funeral since the chaebol family wanted to hide her that badly.

The girl becomes a cook (because her most fond memory is that day she ate chocolate). She has ptsd caused by the terrible accident (a blown up building?) in which her parents died (she is a survivor). Her doctor is the cranky 2nd grandson whom she stars adoring once she hears that he lost a family in same accident (was it his mom? his dad seems alive). The girl meets the surgeon with same name as her childhood crush, and there's also a burn on his arm. She becomes curious. He seems like a cold jerk, but she finds out that he is still that soft boy inside. Once she decides to confess that she knows him, the guy has already been dispatched to Libya, and is in a coma after a terrible injury. Our girl seems entitled enough to be waiting for him to come back and cry for him. The guy spends half a year (or more) in a coma, his family considers taking him off ventilator, but the 2nd grandson apparently loves him so he begs to keep him alive.

Our girl is still quite sick. She agrees to date some dude who's been kind to her while she was all sad and lonely. As she says yes, the new boyfriend introduces her to his bff who turns out to be the coma guy, who is now miraculously awake. She is devastaded as she wants the coma guy very badly. She leaves her boyfriend and moves to Greece where she won't see the chocolate boy ever again.

After another timeskip, the ex living his last day in a hospice, since he turns out to have been terminally ill the entire time. The chocolate boy has operated on him and is now caring for him in the hospice. The ex asks the chocolate boy for our girl's home-made dumplings, he wants to eat them once before he dies. Our guy asks why he wants anything from 'the bitch who left him', gets an answer that he wants the tasty dumplings, not the girl. So the male lead sets out to Greece and finds the girl in the middle of a cooking competition.

It's safe to assume the two will be in a hospice together trapped in a forbidden love and crying over the dying bff / ex.

All the melo / makjang shit in just 2 eps is just sick. And the Libya part? Awful.

[mjalti]

I have deadlines and exams coming up and was already going out of my mind and last night my bff's mom went into a coma and is in a critical condition. It was so unexpected, and I'm so anxious and sad and feeling helpless. And I feel like crap for needing to vent because she's having it so much worse :( And I also feel useless cuz I can't help her in any way besides listening to her. Sorry for pouring it all on you .. life is shit rn

hey my dove, i think you should restructure how u see this situation. like it does suck, but if she’s in a hospital she’s being looked after by medical professionals who have their lives dedicated to finding out what is going on/how to fix it/ etc. if she was going to go into a coma regardless, if that’s her soul’s journey and what was written, then would you prefer she be in the care of medical doctors or somewhere where she can’t get help? there is only one thing you have the ability to control right now; whether or not you will study for your exams. that is all that is in your power to decide. and furthermore, listening is much more powerful than you think. we need to witness our pain to know that it is there & listening helps us recognize our pain which is the first step in healing from it. you aren’t “just listening”. you’re aiding in that way too. i wish you the best!

[sachin790]

The Shocking Ways Stress Directly Affects Our Appearance—And How to Beat It

The global we live in appears rife with unavoidable stressors. Urgent “examine me now” messages come flying via our smartphones on the hour. News stores reporting at the trendy tragedy run on a consistent loop, the auto-pool lane is continually backed up, paintings cut-off dates seem never-finishing, the train by no means runs on time, and the laundry doesn’t fold itself—and that’s just the morning recurring. Stress is inevitable. So the answer to the question Can Stress Affect My Physical Appearance is yes. Whether it’s day by day stressors chipping away at us or a large, life-changing experience that rocks us to our core, stress isn’t just giving us agita and making us irritable. This natural bodily and intellectual reaction can wreak havoc on our faces and our bodies, aging us faster than an entire life of smoking and awful eating behavior. Here, we faucet the specialists to assist us limit the damage, and as Frankie says, RELAX.

What’s Happening to My Body?

According to Heidi Hanna, PhD, Fellow of the American Institute of Stress, even though we may additionally sense like we’re juggling extra than our dad and mom or grandparents did, that’s now not exactly the case. “Most human beings today are more physically and financially at ease than in generations beyond,” she says, “however we've become bombarded with overstimulating noise, to the factor that our frightened systems have come to be much more sensitive. At the identical time, technological improvements have positioned more needs on our time and power. Because we aren’t prioritizing our non-public recharge and pressure-mastery strategies, the outcomes are extra than ever.”

When we get notable stressed, our body takes a primary hit. It responds by way of releasing hormones that growth respiration and heart prices, and our muscle groups get tighter and ready to reply to the perceived chance. “Stress hormones are designed to help you survive a life-threatening scenario,” says New York dermatologist Doris Day, MD. “Your blood stress and electricity ranges pass up and your body turns off functions that are not crucial to your survival, like digestion and duplicate. Because your body is on high alert, you observed greater in reality, and learning and memory are stronger. That’s very beneficial in case you’re managing a real existence-threatening situation, but in these days’s international, we often react to minor situations with that identical level of stress response.” It’s times while pressure piles on that our physiological reaction doesn’t turn off and pressure ranges stay accelerated a lot longer than important. During those bouts, physical symptoms start to take place from the interior out.

A girl on a bed. Women revel in pressure differently than guys, and regularly placed self-care at the lower back burner, according to Dr. Hanna

For girls, managing stress can lead to even greater pressure. “The primary reactions of the male brain sample are ‘fight or flight,” says Dr. Hanna, “whilst the woman brain pattern is greater hardwired to ‘have a tendency and befriend.’ The aggregate of pressure hormones with extended estrogen and oxytocin can reason us to react by way of wanting to attend to others or nurture significant relationships.” Dr. Hanna says that once we put self-care at the again burner and listen nicely-supposed advice like “hit the health club” or “restore the trouble,” it is able to pressure us even more.

Here’s How Things Get Ugly

Aside from the onset of “resting bitch face,” pressure also can turn us into a veritable wildebeest. Here’s how persistent strain can do various on our correct appears.

Skin

“Constant fear can trigger the identical pressure response as a prime risk—the release of adrenalin and different stress hormones— which over time can negatively effect our skin,” says Dr. Day. “Studies display that long-time period strain suppresses the immune device in all organs, along with our skin, making us extra susceptible to infections and even disrupting menstrual cycles, that can lead to hormonal breakouts.” Miami dermatologist Dr. Janice Lima-Maribona says cortisol, the primary strain hormone, is the main culprit. “Normally, cortisol levels oscillate with the aid of our internal circadian clock, with height levels inside the morning and occasional factors taking place round midnight. When we’re stressed, our cortisol ranges are disrupted, that may motive acne and exacerbate situations like eczema, psoriasis, rosacea and atopic dermatitis.” Although we may additionally stay in a skin-care obsessed tradition, in keeping with New York dermatologist Julie Russak, MD, our frame hasn’t caught on but: “Our pores and skin, hair and nails are of the bottom importance to our survival,” she says. “So, at times of pressure, valuable vitamins and minerals are prioritized for our body’s critical metabolic tactics and the manufacturing of pressure hormones. Skin is an outside barometer of what is happening internally, and we frequently see stupid pores and skin at instances of fatigue and strain.” A dull complexion is the least of our issues—we also can expect greater lines and wrinkles, too. “Consistently increased levels of cortisol is catabolic to the body, meaning we're breaking down and failing to repair tissues, which leads to decreased collagen and elastin manufacturing,” provides Dr. Russak. “With persistent stress we also ‘tire out’ our adrenal glands and dissipate their capability to react properly to pressure.”

Hair

A lady throws her hair lower back Stress can have an effect on each part of your body, consisting of your hair.

Yes, your process could make your hair fall out! Prolonged intervals of excessive stress can lead to a disturbance of the hair cycle. Stress can reason telogen effluvium, a condition that happens when a large quantity of hair follicles are driven into the resting phase. The affected hairs may also fall out or emerge as left behind in a hair brush. Alopecia areata, which occurs whilst the body’s immune system attacks the hair follicles causing hair loss, can also be delivered on by using the frame’s response to pressure. “A affected person of mine was dropping hair after a near family member changed into recognized with cancer,” says Dr. Lima-Maribona. “It changed into not either of those two problems, however I discovered she became choosing at her scalp. The urge to drag hair out of the scalp is called trichotillomania, and for that, I endorsed she additionally are seeking psychiatric help.”

Nails

Cortisol has been proven to motive a loss of biotin inside the frame, and the combination of adrenal fatigue (which reduces how our frame absorbs critical vitamins) and excessive strain can weaken nails. Healthy nails require vitamins and minerals like protein, biotin, silica, magnesium, zinc, and iron. “Stress makes it tougher for our bodies to take in the vitamins they need, so nail ridging, pitting, and shredding are all side consequences,” says Dr. Lima-Maribona. “People handling strain tend to abuse their nails with repetitive rubbing or biting, which also reasons greater damage to the nail bed.”

Teeth

One manner our frame offers with strain can start in our mouths. “Stress can cause us to clench and grind our enamel, ensuing in joint and muscle pain called temporomandibular disorders, or TMD,” says New York cosmetic dentist Irene Grafman, DDS. “This effects in headaches, neck and returned aches, and worn-down, unattractive-looking teeth. Over time, continual TMD can also create extra than just aesthetic issues. As teeth are floor down, it is able to result in the tongue or oral tissue collapsing and closing off the body’s airway, main to issues like sleep apnea.”

Body

“We are much more likely to overeat at times of stress, achieving for foods high in carbohydrates and sugars that release dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes us sense top. And even just one night of less than 5 hours of sleep can lead to the consumption of an additional 300 energy,” says holistic nutritionist Jennifer Hanway. “Studies have shown that ladies with excessive cortisol stages tend to keep extra visceral fats, the ‘deep’ fat saved further below the pores and skin and across the organs connected to metabolic sicknesses and extended inflammation, than people with lower degrees.”

Coping Mechanisms

Whether it’s meditation or microneedling, turning off the stress faucet and undoing the damage that’s been completed are steps one and two if getting our our bodies returned on target.

According to Haemin Sunim, Buddhist trainer and writer of the mindfulness guide The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World, taking time to unwind shouldn’t pressure us out more. “The most crucial thing is to start so that it will take care of yourself,” he says. “Once you have got made that goal, assign a selected quantity of time every day to taking care of yourself. If you handiest have some seconds, take a deep breath and smile. If you most effective have 10 minutes, stroll round and stretch. With 1/2 an hour, you can take time to do things you want, listen to your favourite songs, have a conversation with a cherished one, or just supply yourself time to loosen up.”

Dr. Hanna says changing your attitude is key. “Work from the lowest up to rebalance your brain and worried machine. Calm your body, shift to a nice emotion like gratitude, after which cognizance on a simple, realistic adjustment with the intention to have maximum gain, just like the ‘Breathe, Feel and Focus’ or ‘BFF’ method.” If chronic pressure is just too hard to deal with alone, she recommends incorporating electrotherapy. “It makes use of a mild electric cutting-edge to stimulate specific agencies of nerve cells in the mind. This nudges the frightened machine into a calmer nation.”

Working along Dr. Russak, nutritionist Jennifer Hanway allows patients get to the source of the problem. “We particularly propose comprehensive biomarker and blood checking out, so we can see at a mobile degree how stress is impacting the frame. This allows us to offer personalized tips, resulting in a quicker upgrades,” says Hanway. “We understand the pores and skin-gut connection,” adds Dr. Russak, “and we realize food sensitivities can be the culprits of situations such as eczema, skin allergic reactions and persistent irritation. Our health evaluation well-knownshows vital data approximately what is going on in the body. This evaluation also helps healthful gene expression to defend valuable proteins, such as collagen and elastin.”

Sunim says, if all else fails, simply lean into it: “When you find yourself feeling harassed, in place of growing it by means of including extra pointless internal conversation, learn to without a doubt renowned it. Stress is inevitable, however also important.”

[dancekickboxcardio]

I am aware that I am a disappointment today. I am not attacking the day. Even my Dad asked me to show up at the gym 🏃🏼‍♀️ 💪🏾. When my contacts are off, my glasses 👓 say my arms are skinny. My legs 🦵🏾 however are a different story and that’s something I want to work on. However, I maybe ready to go to bed 🛏 and all things right, when I won’t shut off, I won’t shut off. It doesn’t help that I sleep 🛏 in. It throws my sleep 💤 cycle like duh 🙄. I am not exhausted 😩 because I haven’t been pulling 5 hours of Ninja Warrior 🛡 ⚔️ work, well, that explains it. I told BFF I shall not take afternoon fit Americano ☕️. My only worry is by doing that I might be spent and don’t have the boost of energy ⚡️. I could really get like a drowsy 😴 tea 🍵. Also, I could really do something slow and not anything work before time to hit the sack 🛌. I enjoyed 😊 these yesterday. I know, they are making you guys yawn 😵.

OMG 😮 , my cat 🐈 is on it again. I give him too much love 💕 and he does what he wants. He bangs at my door. My gawd, they are all in my room 🚪. Vie, what have you done ✅. I want to finish Peterloo and watch 📺 this to oogle Caligula 🏛. Just kidding. It’s supposed to be his birthday 🎁 yesterday and I thought 💭 get some Roman on. I found out his nickname means little boots 👢. I go bootie. My gawd, you are such a nerd 🤓. I love 💕 Those footwear, my signature. I love 💗 Vince Camutos but they are pricey 💲💲💲💲💲. The last one I bought was $80 bucks on sale 🏷. If it only wasn’t Christmas 🎄 in L.A. the perfect excuse to get something I want at such an exorbitant amount of money 💵. Yeah, I still use them. My family are not going to California for the winter ❄️ cheers 🥂 🎁. My Mom says she has trouble balancing the books 🧾. Ok. Just don’t forget my Apple Watch ⌚️ series 5.

My Dad is up. The cats 🐈 🐈 🐈 went his way to say hi 👋🏾. He didn’t want to drop me off and pick me up. I could insist. What do I want to do. He said no last night. Let me ask again to say that I didn’t do what I can. If no, there is tomorrow 🗓. I can’t do a lot anyway but cardio ♥️. My back is busted 😖 and I am withholding lifting and muscle recovery yoga 🧘🏼‍♀️ to ensure that it heals ⛑ properly. I can’t wait that Thursday 📅 is in a few days. I can power 💥 up. Slowly, but I can try my usuals. What was I going to say, ah, really I feel ok 👌🏾. That means I am doing well. But I am going to it based on the recommendation of the nurse 🥼 I contacted 📱 over the phone within the hour 🕜 that I strained my midlow back. Isn’t it nice that you have access 📞 to a medical 🏥 staff that can give you an answer to what ails you? It can be very severe to something you can tend at home 🏠. For example, I was feeling faint. They wanted me to go to emergency. My gawd, they didn’t find a thing but they ruled out many critical life and death 💀 conditions. I am watching this today.

Do I feel like reading 📖 a book? Not right now. Maybe later. I should spend time on my chaise 🛋 instead of my bed. This is actually bad.

We don’t live in a vacuum so I allow myself to break rules that don’t hurt you and don’t have drastic life changing consequences. My problem is I am very much a solver. I also live well on monotony, the same thing until you get your results and everything in place. I find that for some reason, it stresses 😬 me out. It’s not that I freak out on neatness. It’s like a mental release for anyone including me. It’s a sight to see. I just feel that chugging feeling like you have to do something until you reach the end, if there’s nothing to work on it’s like freak out. So it really pays to know who you are and what you are like. It comes natural to me. Sometimes events shapes us. The best is knowing , awareness on what’s going on and do changes to get the best outcome 🏆. It’s just me. That’s how I run. That’s how I am in control. That’s how I succeed. I am able to act upon my circumstance like if the environment is chaos, I am able to stay cool 😎 and know what to do. Vie, freak out. Fine. Wait a second.

It came with a case 🎉 . I am so happy 😀. No, I didn’t pay a lot for it. About three sunglasses 🕶 from GAP. I love ❤️ it. The packaging is like something else. That’s why I had to hold my breath at the jewel 💎 inside the box 💝. The retail was $350. That’s why I got it. It was a bargain 🏷 . The make is very precise and something to admire. It is light and I tell myself that it could feel flimsy that I have to protect it because you might easily squash it. Yeah, it’s not too much. It’s not flashy. Just great craftsmanship. I hope 🤞🏾 it gets me to the health club 🎊 🙌🏾.

I am not hungry 😋 right now. I had my one espresso drink for the day. I am not going to force myself. However, it’s September. I should make my chart for work out STATs 📊📈 so I know what I am doing and where.

I had weekend diet 🍽. Pizza 🍕 from my sister. Part of what I like about being on gym time ⏱ is you have to eat properly or you won’t run efficiently. I allow myself to eat when I feel like it because force feeding yourself is not exactly fun 🎊. It is a bad adulting eating habit I admit esp when your food 🥘 is not exactly Bravo Cucina Italiana. So I guess to get yourself back, take foods 👩🏼‍🍳 that you crave and want. I find beauty in cooking 🥘 and perhaps doing more of it should correct bad habits. I grazed on the plantain banana 🍌 warped in rice paper and sugar. It is called turon. It is a sweet dessert 🍮 and I had two yesterday. I also had cake 🎂. I adjusted that it didn’t have icing. OMG 😮, the pork butt was huge. It was $13. My gawd. I have so much proteins. I should still add fish 🐟 for this week’s 📆 grocery 🛒 list 📝. How should I have my vegetables? I have tons. I should only add my kale 🥬 staple. I should find fitness pins 📍to get me in the mood. I am going to measure 📏 myself to add to the excitement 🥳. I am going to ask Dad if he can drop me off. Yeah, it is a big part of my life and even if I complain that I cannot paint 🎨, journal 📓 more or sew 🧵 weekend, heck I am doing something good for myself now and later and I am like 💭 “my hips and shoulders are like sore they need exercising.” I saw on Twitter that dancers 💃🏼 have to be moving all the time. They have to keep their bodies in shape. What else was I going to do? I can prep my veggies 🍆🍅🥑🥦🥕🌽🥒🥬. Oh, I made a great compromise and my BFF is excited 😆 about it. Many have asked for more pants 👖. I can stand by my decision adamantly. I am however not inflexible and I love 💗 that about the way I think 🤔 and my decision making skills. I am very fluid and consider everything as best as what’s presented. I was like, “I’ll get the Zella’s I want to exhaustion and I’lol just subscribe to Metropolitan Opera 🎭 on demand 📺 . It’s not exciting as putting your feet 🦶🏻 up at SILVERSPOT comfy chairs and ordering take out like Choolah 🍲, but you give more weight to what’s more important ⚠️. Hell, yeah? Hell, yeah.

[starwriterulia]

Tag game!

Tagged by @jungtaeyoongles ❤️

Nickname(s): Sweetie, pumpkin, peanut (by my parents)

Bias: I believe my ult is Rocky of Astro, though Wooyoung of Ateez snuck up on me. How dare he.

Blood Type: Don't know, but if I had to take a guess I'm A or B. :P

Favourite Food: Pasta (though I eat way too much of it), gnocchi, French fries.

Birthday: September 4, 1999

Zodiac: Virgo, and definitely acts like one. I think my personality disorder fits the bill too, so--

Pronouns: She/her

Hair Length: About an inch past my shoulder blades. I like it about that length so my thick hair is easier to wash and put up into a ponytail. It's still a pain in the ass to put on a wig cap for cosplay, though.

Height: 146cm >w<

A crush: Not on anyone who I know irl, but on my characters? Yes.

What do you like about yourself: I love my hair and eyes! Sometimes I feel sexy when I look at my girls, so there's that, too. :3

Left or right handed: Right handed.

List of three favourite colours: Ocean or navy or baby blue, plum or mauve and pale yellow.

(Right now) Eating: Nothing. I just finished eating oatmeal with cinnamon and raisins for breakfast.

(Right now) Drinking: Water.

I'm about to: Write the rest of Chapter 1 Part 3 of Sense6 Cafe.

Listening to: Nothing, but some song by Astro that I don't know the name of because YouTube music doesn't show the translation for it is playing in my head, right now. :P

Kids: Maybe! It will be difficult for me because of my hypotonia and scoliosis.

Get married: Yes please--

Recent phone call: Called the hospital, my scooter is ready but some things need to be addressed. :P

(Have you ever) Dated someone twice: No, only dated 1 (one) psychopath.

Kissed someone and regretted it: My lips are a virgin, so no.

Lost someone special: Yes, my great grandma. My mom took me to the manor several times to visit her, when she was getting closer but wasn't in critical condition.

Been depressed: Several times, yeah.

Been drunk and thrown up: Nope! I've only had three drinks, all in the company of my family, and I've only ever had a buzz. I remember talking about how uncomfortable my boobs can be. Thankfully, only the women of my family were in the house, during that barbeque.

Had glasses or contacts: No. My brother has nystagmus, though, so he wears glasses.

Had sex on first date: I'm a virgin, so no.

Broke someone's heart: Yeah, but it was necessary 'cause he was dangerous.

Turned someone down: No.

Cried when someone died: Yes, when my great grandma on my grandpa's side passed. I think this was 5+ years ago?

Fallen for a friend: Nope.

Been cheated on: Never.

(In the last year have you) Made a new friend: Yes!

Laughed when you cried: Yep!

Met someone who changed you: No, but in the past, I met my adopted parents, little brother (we are biological but were raised in different foster homes) and my ex-boyfriend, Todd, a psychopath, in twelfth grade.

Found out who your true friends are: Not really, no. Don't have any bffs, yet. I have some awesome mutuals, though!

Found out someone was talking about you: Besides my family? Nope.

Lips or eyes: Eyes~.

Hugs or kisses: Both, though my lips are a virgin--

Romantic or spontaneous: Both!

Hookup or relationship: Relationship

First best friend: Don't think I ever had one that lasted, so, uh... N/A.

Surgery: Story time x3!

Surgery #1... In third grade, I broke all of my toes during the cross-country race at Riverside Park, so I had metal pins in all of my toes for a month, I think? My tendons were lengthened, I believe, in that same surgery? I hate the sound metal scraping against metal because of those pins. It fucking hurt. My brother was feeling sick from watching, so the nurses gave him some ginger ale. uwu Prince George's hospital is bigger than Vanderhoof's (my hometown is Vanderhoof), but our nurses are better, and I oop--

Surgery #2... I think it was two years later that an x-ray of my right foot, which is deformed (pictured below and labelled) because of the surgery and because I've walked on my toes (technically the balls of my feet, especially my right one) since I could walk, revealed that the large lump that was once in the middle ball of my foot and thus made finding shoes very difficult was a rock hard cyst! So that got removed, and that made it easier to find shoes, and my tendons were lengthened or tightened--I can't quite remember. I still have to wear Crocs in summer and shoes with wide soles that have high arches. My right foot is a bit deformed, too (also pictured and labelled)

Surgery #3... On Friday, March 13, 2015, I came home after a block of P.E. and a short class walk on the last two blocks. My brother and I walked home, when we lived in town. I believe we walked at least five blocks? Something like that. We pretty much went from one side of town to the other.

So my legs were exhausted, and then my parents told my brother and I to come help unload the tent trailer we had just sold. For further context, my knees first popped in seventh grade. I had attempted a cheerleader's jump during a softball game and landed on my left knee weird. Needless to say, I was home for a couple of days. Both of my knees had popped and made me fall more times than I'm confident to claim, but I remember it happening at least twice at home, at different houses we lived in, over the years, and four times at school, the times I'm sure about all happening at stairs. Yeah, I fell down the stairs at school, and the last time I fell down the whole last one, while my class was going to the library for research during Science.

Anyway, I went down the first stairs from our house to the stone path fine, but while going to the second stairs to the driveway, both of my knees popped and I fell. That had never happened before! I pulled a muscle in my right knee and was on crutches for a week. That Sunday, my parents wanted me to walk from the dining table to the couch, after dinner, but I was scared and couldn't do it. I went to go back to my room, but started off wrong and dislocated my left knee while sitting on my leg as I fell.

Apparently, my pain tolerance is good, but I do remember crying and asking for someone to hold me after the doctor put my knee back. Thank you to the nurse who was there to hug me, btw. They didn't do an x-ray. A month later, I finally worked up the courage to try walking, like my mom had been insisting for so long, and I did it with a walker rather than crutches. A couple days later, or maybe the next day, I noticed a red spot on my knee, and it hurt to touch it. The next day, it covered my whole knee!

Turns out my kneecap had broken off and had split horizontally when the doctor put it back. I think it was within the week or the next that my parents and I went to the city our town is the neighbour of for surgery. I now have two screws in my knee. That summer was rough. My anxiety came full force at exam time.

The last Thursday before Spring Break I decided to not wear my comfort brace without telling my mom, and I had a full blown panic attack. My mom had to come and get me, though one of my classmates and half-friends, Sadie, was kind enough to lend me her arm a couple of times. I was afraid of the laminate flooring, and I was also afraid of grocery store and hospital laminate. I know the latter because my parents and I went to PG (Prince George) to see a psychiatrist, who legit fucking brushed me off. >:( My grandma found a non-prescription anti-depressant called True Hope EMP, and I took that until September.

My parents were going to PG for a couple of errands, and I remember my mom saying that I was coming, and that if I didn't keep up, she was going to leave me behind. Ah, Baby Boomer Mom peer pressure: the kind a little shit like me needed, after my shitty foster parents. I walked like nothing happened, of course. I believe my mom said she wouldn't have left me, but by God am I glad that my mom was both scary and loving enough to discipline me. XD That's it, that's about 40% of my life story.

Sports I joined: Volleyball, in eighth grade. I was good at it, too! And then my knees went "FUCK YOU!" and my hypotonia said "HI, BITCH!" and yeah. :/

Do you believe in yourself: Yes, I have faith in Faith. :^)

Miracles: Yes!

Love at first sight: I think it can happen, yeah. It's a rare thing! Most of the time, it's physical attraction. I know from my one experience that it takes more time than some might think for a relationship to develop. Friendship is like this, too!

Heaven: Yes! I mean, Lucidity has a soft magic system based off the idea that anything is possible through God and His warmth, even if that warmth is through love for one's family and friends instead of him. :3

Do you have any pets: No, but I have a fictional white American Shorthair with a black patch on its neck named Hana (after the Vocaloid) in Sense6 Cafe. ;w;

Do you want to change you name: No way, José! Have you seen how trendy my name is?! Check Nameberry.com if you're curious.

What did you do for your last birthday: You know what? I don't remember. Oh no, wait! My grandparents came over and gave me a cute little coffee maker and some coffee so I could make it for them the next time they came over (it hasn't been used yet, lol. I actually had to clean the dust that had gathered on it, one day), and my mom brought me a gift card for the Fields general store and the starfish made out of seashells I saw there and wanted. She hung it, the three mirrors and the clock with the permanent stick-on hooks she brought, as pictured below.

What time did you wake up today: Not long after 9 AM.

What were you doing last night at midnight: Lying in bed, role-playing at least one scene from Sense6 Cafe while waiting for my meds to kick in.

Something you can't wait for: News about the jobs I applied for! I need a job not just to get a new laptop so I can get back to writing my book, but so I can return to the Minecraft realm I own and play with my friends, again! I'm planning to stop by the post office to get my own box so I can start collecting K-Pop and Vocaloid merchandise, hehehe.

Last time you saw your mom: Monday, January 13. Saw my dad too. He drove me home after I walked the short distance from WorkBC to the Co-op mall and met Mom at work at the end of her shift, at the Salvation Army. She doesn't work as often as she used to because she and both of her sisters were diagnosed with this rare thing that's doing different things to their bodies. In my mom's case, one of her nerves in her back is damaged, and because of it, her left leg has shrunk! I believe Mom said she'll need back surgery. My auntie Melanie had a hip replacement that's done more harm than good, and my auntie Penny's shoulder is screwed after multiple surgeries, all because she slipped and fell on ice. My grandma has knee issues and had a replacement, too. She's still having problems.

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish my dwarfism didn't include hypotonia so I could get strong muscles and run, jump and dance again. I hate how weak I am, and that I can't push myself too much, or else my knees will pop and I'll fall. I just... my physical limits are the biggest thing that separate me from what I would call a normal girl, other than my Reactive Attachment Disorder. I've always struggled with myself. I'm just thankful my parents, brother and family have always loved and supported me.

I tag: @bruh-changbin @kaptain-k-pop @starrychannies

tag game~

tagged by: @maptoyoongi

:: nickname(s): Anna, Anna Banana, Anna Boop

:: bias: yoongles and taetae but ot7 foreva

:: blood type: idek man

:: favorite food: sushi, ramen, dumplings, noodles

:: birthday: jan 22 :3

:: zodiac: aquarius hoe

:: pronouns: she/her

:: hair length: mid-neck/shoulder length

:: height: i thought i was 164 cm but aPpArEnTlY i’m 158 cm ;-;

:: a crush: uwu yes

:: what do you like about yourself: :)

:: left or right handed: right handed

:: list of 3 favorite colors: wine red, lavender, and black

:: (right now) eating: nothing

:: (right now) drinking: smirnoff ice (orAnGE)

:: i’m about to: write and listen to music

:: listening to: BLACK SWAN (but also any song by zico)

:: kids: none

:: get married: ehh idek probs not i have very different views on marriage than my whole family

:: recent phone call: my bff daniela/my bf alex

:: (have u ever) dated someone twice: nope

:: been cheated on: thank FUCK i have not

:: kissed someone and regretted it: no

:: lost someone special: hell yea

:: been depressed: all the time

:: been drunk and thrown up: i got trashed once and only once (never again)

:: had glasses or contacts: glasses

:: had sex on the first date: nope

:: broken someone’s heart: maybe?

:: turned someone down: yes

:: cried when someone died: four deaths, four times cried

:: fallen for a friend: oh yea for sure, but i think i have to be friends with someone before falling for them

:: (in the last year have you) made a new friend: yes yes yes

:: laughed until u cried: yep

:: met someone who changed u: oh yea, i’ve met plenty of people who’ve changed me in good ways and in bad ones but yea

:: found out who your true friends were: quiet often

:: found out someone was talking about you: lmao i just did again today

:: lips or eyes: um both

:: hugs or kisses: skdjfkdf both

:: romantic or spontaneous: romantic

:: hookup or relationship: relationship

:: first best friend: elementary school yoit

:: surgery: i had my wisdom teeth removed, then a recent eye surgery

:: sports i joined: volleyball, then soccer but i couldn’t play bc i had a concussion and they wouldn’t let me

:: do u believe in yourself: :/

:: miracles: yes

:: love at first sight: i believe in physical/visual attraction at first sight, but not emotional attraction

:: heaven: yes

:: do u have any pets: 1 cat

:: do u want to change your name: mmm i think probs not?

:: what did u do for your last birthday: uh i stayed in my dorm alone lmao

:: what time did u wake up today: 8 am

:: what were u doing last night at midnight: writing, chatting, talking with my fav person

:: something i can’t wait for: MOTS 7, ateez concert in april, seeing my bf for the first time in person

:: last time u saw your mum: january 10?

:: what is one thing u wish u could change about your life: mental health

i tag; @abangtanfangirl @yoongi-sugaglider @lilliaflurr @hobisbeautifulass @franklytae @solarjeon @honeymoonjin @ddaenggtan @jamaisjoons @hobicomeholla29 @gallhali @winteryethereal