#my beautiful wife and her total lack of spatial awareness

[deconstructivesurgery]

getting married to lydia in skyrim is so funny it's like hi guys this is my wife. who loves standing directly in front of my fireballs so that when she collapses on the floor charred and on the brink of death i feel immense guilt. one time i forgot her in my grim morthal manor house with nothing but a "skull room" in it. she exclusively refers to me as "thane" even though we're married and I'm not sure if it's a kink thing or not. i have eaten several dragon souls in front of her. one time i also cheated on her by getting married to a hagraven in the middle of the night after partying with actual sanguine but she forgave me and helped me on my drunken crawl towards redemption the next day. actually come to think of it she might still be in the skull room i should probably do something about that. if I don't tell her explicitly to come with me she just kinda stands in one place forever. yeah it's a bit of an issue. maybe we should see a therapist about dependency.

[delicioussshame]

I promised myself that when I had finished the FFVII remake, I would write this. Total crack. Based on the original to limit spoilers.

Ning Yingying stands strong against Shen Qingqiu’s disapproval. “Liu-shimei is risking her future for this mission. How could this Ning Yingying do anything less?”

“I won’t let my disciple put herself in such a dangerous position. Do you know what will happen to you if he chooses you? I can’t allow it.”

“It will happen to Liu-shimei if we don’t support her.”

Shen Qingqiu is going to cry. Liu Mingyan, why are you this headstrong? Why inherit this of all things from your brother? We had other leads! There was no need for you to try and infiltrate Luo Binghe’s mansion that way! Now Shen Qingqiu has to come fetch you, and one cultivator and his disciple cannot face the might of the ruler of the underworld by themselves! “We can return to the sect and get reinforcement.”

“Shizun must forgive me, but he knows that by the time we return, it will be too late! Luo Binghe will have chosen Shimei as his newest bride! How could he not?”

How could he not indeed. Who could when faced with Liu Mingyan, veil removed and face painted with floral gold? Of course he will pick her, and she will be swiped away wherever Luo Binghe’s latest wives are, surely after having been deflowered.

Liu Qingge will kill him if Luo Binghe becomes his brother-in-law while his sister is under his watch.

Still, he can’t allow Ning Yingying to enter by herself. “Ning Yingying is usually aware of her limitations. What are you going to do when you’re with Luo Binghe? How are you going to save her from him? Even after having passed most of his underlings, he is more than you can handle.”

She falters, but only for a moment. “Shimei will support me.”

“Liu Mingyan is indeed an accomplished cultivator for her age, but she hasn’t reached the level of mastery necessary to defeat Luo Binghe. The two of you stand no chance.”

…From the way Ning Yingying lights up, Shen Qingqiu already knows he will hate whatever she just came up with. “Does Shizun trust me?”

Shen Qingqiu looks at his favorite disciple’s determined look and sighs. “What have you thought of?” He doesn’t let himself be fooled by her innocent appearance anymore. He has learnt his lessons. Ning Yingying grew up, and left behind her playful affectation for a surprising amount of cunning, when it suits her.

“It’s a secret, but I’m certain it will work! Shizun, have faith in this Ning Yingying!”

…He’s going to regret this, but as he doesn’t know how to save Liu Mingyan from her terrible fate at the hands of Luo Binghe, he has no choice but to submit. “Fine. This master will place his trust in you.”

Her smile is blinding.

Shen Qingqiu’s stomach drops.

____________________

After some very doubtful medicine deliveries, a visit to the kind of institution he wishes Ning Yingying didn’t know existed and a physical challenge that a cultivator of his rank shouldn’t have abased himself to, Shen Qingqiu finds himself in the company of a surprisingly eager tailor and with no dignity left. “Ning Yingying, no.”

The effects of Ning Yingying’s pleading eyes are only stronger when paired with the provocatively red dress she has decided to put on. “Shizun, you must! For Liu-shimei’s sake!”

That almost motivates him to reach for the clothing. Almost. “I can’t.”

“Liu-shimei will never tell! I won’t either! I will make sure Shizun is so beautiful no one will recognise him! Please!”

Shen Qingqiu has never, not even once, wanted to be “so beautiful no one will recognise him”. “Ning Yingying, haven’t I have been a decent teacher to you and your fellow disciples? What have I done to deserve this?”

 Ning Yingying withers like a fading lily. “Nothing. Shizun has always been good to this disciple. If he’s so against this, I will go by myself.”

Fuck, he can’t let Ning Yingying try to sell herself to Luo Binghe either, and now it’s too late to back down. “…Ning Yingying promises she won’t tell a soul?”

She perks up immediately. “I swear it on my life!”

“Fine. Do what you must.”

And that’s how Shen Qingqiu found himself struggling to stay calm as the strange tailor and Ning Yingying cajole him into putting on a ridiculous purple dress with pink bows, a wig, what seems like endless amount of makeup and perfume on top of it all.

He is going to burst in flame from the humiliation. Will they even manage to pass the gate to Luo Binghe’s mansion? Surely the guards aren’t stupid enough to believe their master would be interested in the mockery of femininity he’s masquerading at? “Ning Yingying, this will never work.”

“Nonsense! Shizun is stunning! Hasn’t he noticed the approving glances he’s been getting?”

“From drunks who wouldn’t recognise their own mother, surely.”

Her pretty makeup is distorted by a frown. Shen Qingqiu now feels guilt pool at the bottom of his stomach. All their effort can’t be wasted because he upset his disciple. “Of course not. Even Luo Binghe will be moved by Shizun’s elegance! Maybe you will be chosen to become his newest bride.”

Shen Qingqiu snorts. The fact that there’s no chance of that happening is the only upside to this whole affair.

____________________

Luo Binghe must have holes for eyes. Liu Mingyan was right there! Who would choose an old crossdresser over the world’s most famous beauty! They would have suited each other! Shen Qingqiu will only look more ridiculous by his side. And what right had someone as sleazy as Luo Binghe to be this attractive! Of course he holds auditions for the role of his wife! How else is he supposed to proceed?

He really needs to get better guards though. If they let Shen Qingqiu pass through when all the nearby women must throw themselves at him, they are fundamentally lacking.

…Wait, is that a bedroom!? Are they going into Luo Binghe’s bedroom!?! What is he supposed to do! He never even entertained the idea he would find himself in this position! Luo Binghe was supposed to choose Liu Mingyan and leave, after which he and Ning Yingying would have defeated the few guards keeping them captive without alerting the rest and swooped in to rescue Liu Mingyan before her purity was endangered. But if he’s here, with Luo Binghe, will his sect’s disciples manage to overwhelm their opponents without his help?

“You don’t have to be this tense. I know how to take care of my partner.”

That is not why Shen Qingqiu is tense, thank you!

…Well, it also kind of is. Should he fake wanting this? Should he just push his sword from his infinite spatial storage sleeve and try to run him through with it? Luo Binghe has been a thorn on all righteous cultivators’ sides since forever. If Shen Qingqiu took care of him here, it might make this whole mess worth it.

But it wouldn’t give them the information they came here for in the first place.

…Maybe if he went along with him just a little bit, he could get it out of Luo Binghe with minimal damage.

He still slaps his hand away when Luo Binghe touches him.

Not that it deters him. “Playing hard to get, I see. Well, that’s also fine.”

Before he knows it, his arms are trapped over his head by Luo Binghe’s powerful grip, Luo Binghe himself kneeling over him.

Shen Qingqiu’s pulse is racing and his blood is beating in his ears as Luo Binghe’s now unimpeded hand slides down his side and up his back to try and undo the dress’s buttons.

His face is getting closer. Is he going to kiss Shen Qingqiu? Is he really going to let this happen? He can’t, he mustn’t, he…

The door to the bedroom slams open. “SHIZUN! SHIMEI IS SAFE! ARE YOU… Shizun?”

Shen Qingqiu looks at Ning Yingying’s astonished expression and Liu Mingyan’s… incomprehensible stare.

Ning Yingying stares at her shizun being straddled by a known enemy, apparently without opposition.

Liu Mingyan is planning her new book. It’s going to feature a famously austere master of cultivation selling himself into sexual slavery to a gangster to save his disciple. It’s going to be her masterpiece, she just knows it.

Luo Binghe is wondering if he’s being offered a foursome. He could roll with it.

Sadly, the swords his rejected brides are welding are probably not a sexy roleplay prop.

The way his latest acquisition pushes him off to rejoin the interlopers only gives more credence to this conclusion.

���Shizun? Are you all right?”

“Don’t worry about me. Liu Mingyan is fine? Nothing has happened to her?” Please be fine or your brother really will kill me dead.

She nods.

“Good. Let’s go.” And he starts for the door.

“Shizun, the information! Let’s ask him? You, you better answer our question or, or we’ll rip it off!”

Luo Binghe stares at them, unimpressed. “I don’t think so.” What a waste. He didn’t even get to enjoy his new “bride”.

Too bad.

Before they have time to regroup, he presses a button, and the ground opens below them.

As he’s falling, Shen Qingqiu can’t help but hope this will be the last time he will have to meet Luo Binghe.

(The feeling isn’t exactly reciprocated.)