#my back hurts so bad. im genuinely in so much pain it makes me look stupid

[robotiv]

i spent 5 hours making a butt ugly “christmas tree” to hang on the wall becaus my cats are complete menaces and Will try to consume a normal christmas tree. yes christmas is a few days away. whatever.

the only two ornaments on the christmas tree are a lobster and an ornament that has my grandma on it and says she’s in heaven. vibes.

[astrolynnworld]

cramps

pairing: matt x reader

summary: you’re on your period and matt does anything and everything to soothe the pain away

warnings: fluff! period cramps, romance, care, reassurance, wholesome, pet names (sweet/pretty girl)

word count: 717

i toss and turn as i feel my pre period cramps start to form

my period is not suppose to come for another 5 days but my cramps always come first, as a warning

i check raise my head to check the clock and see what time it is

“4:15 am” i see on the tv’s cable box

i lay my head back down and continue to shuffle around the bed to find a comfortable position for my cramps to relax in

“baby what’s wrong?” matt asks me with his raspy morning voice

“my period is coming soon, i feel the cramps start to overTAKE me” i say in soft annoyed tone

“is there anything i could do to help baby?” he concerns

“can you actually go get me my heating pad please?” i ask nicely

he hops out the bed and uses the flashlight off his phone to roam around the room and look for my heating pad

once he pulls it in comes back to bed, i hear him gasp

“what?” i jump in shock at his gasp

“your period.. came”

i sit up to see what he’s talking about and see a whole bloody mess stained into our bedsheets

“oh my god” i put my head in my hands out of annoyance and embarrassment

“it’s okay baby. i just need you to stand up for me okay?”

i get off the bed and start to feel the water works fall out

“don’t cry baby” matt says as he comes over to me and wraps his arms around me

“hey it’s not your fault baby” he tries to reassure

“you can’t help it.. you didn’t know, it’s completely fine. you don’t have to cry, sweet girl” he continues as he starts to play with my hair in the hug

i pull back and start to wipe my eyes as i start to sense that im being dramatic

“here baby, i need you to go wash up while i clean the bed”

i nod my head and make my way to the bathroom

“and hand me your clothes before you go in the shower please”

i do as i’m told then i head to the shower

i continue to wash up as i hear matt enter the bathroom

“hey pretty girl, everything still okay?” he asks

“yeah, i’m just finishing up” i sluggishly say

“okay baby. i changed our sheets and im washing the other ones now” he reassures

i stay silent out of acknowledgment but he doesn’t leave

“is there anything else you want princess?” he asks

“no thank you” i say while shaking my head as if he could see me

“alright..” he says before closing the door

i could tell he feels bad but i just really can’t be bothered rn. my stomach hurts, i embarrassed myself, im so annoyed, and i feel bad that he feels bad.. there’s just too much going on

i finish up my shower and put my towel on before heading back to the bedroom

when i get back i see matt had turned on the led lights, switched the tv to netflix, and had my tylenol bottle set up next to some water

“matt what is this?”

“nothing much. just me trying to distract you from your period” he giggles

“that’s not how it works sadly” i pout as i pop the tylenol in my mouth and swallow some water

“well, im gonna try” he comes in for a kiss

i start to get dressed, not forgetting the pad, as matt searches for a good movie to watch.

“do you want some to eat pretty?”

“is anything even open right now?” i genuinely ask

“only mcdonald’s..” he replies

“then yes please” i smile at him

“your usual?”

“yeah” i reply as i get in bed to snuggle next to him

“it’ll be here in 30 minutes” he says

“if we’re still up” i chuckle

“don’t worry. i’ll grab it for you so you can enjoy it when you wake up and not kill me for letting you fall asleep” he chuckles back

“thank you baby. i appreciate you so much, definitely a core memory” i turn over to face him

he smiles and places a kiss on my forehead, “i love you, sweet girl. don’t forget it”

——————————————————————-

taglist: @cutiepatootie36273 @secret-sturniolo @sturns-blog @sturniolo-2003 @mayaaatok @sturnswrites @mattsleftnipple03 @mattybswife @tropicasturn @princessbetsy123-blog <333

[fluffylino]

soft!hyunjin

you never liked arguments

-very fluffy, pure fluffiness

water ran down your body. you didn't like this feeling that you felt. nothing made sense anymore. your mind was a mess.

arguments.

you despised it so much because of how your parents were.

unecessary. things could be cleared quietly without shouting and getting angry with eachother. it reminded you of your father. his harsh words. the shouting. the swearing. the silent treatment.

although what hyunjin did was minor. he would never curse at you or call you names regardless of whether he was annoyed.

what happened today was a mistake. it had escalated to the point that hyunjin was ignoring you. at this point you couldn't even blame him. maybe you were being emotional. but it did bring back bad memories of arguments.

you hadn't even realised your breath had got stuck in your throat. tears blurred your vision. your head felt light as the water became hotter. steam filling up the bathroom.

"baby!" hyunjin yelled, kicking the door open. you hadn't even heard him. his hand tugged you out, before you could even comprehend anything.

"thank god you left the door unlocked. i was searching for you"

he pulled you flush against him. you couldn't hold your tears in anymore.

"I don't like this, i hate it" you sobbed out, shaking against hyunjin's body that was embracing you.

"i'm sorry, my angel...i'm so sorry my sweetheart" you could feel the pain in his voice. you couldn't help it. everything was triggering and you were unable to control your emotions.

"i don't want to fight. i can't...it hurts"

without caring, he pulled you out not bothering if you were naked. he sat you down on the counter near the sink. your legs dangled down, and he wasted no time to hug you. not bothering that his clothes were getting wet.

"its okay you're okay we're okay" hyunjin reassured, his arms wrapped around you. his fingers stroking your back.

"breathe baby..i'm here" he whispered, pulling his head back to wipe your tears.

"we're never arguing again" you shivered, suddenly hit with a cold draft. you wrapped your legs around his hips.

"im cold hyunnie" you muttered, voice cracking while pushing yourself against his body. he was warm and his soft shirt felt nice against your bare skin.

"lets shower together, hm" he suggested, hands steadily holding you. he rubbed your bare back soothingly. you couldn't bring myself to nod, instead opting to try and look at him.

his eyes were teary and his eyebrows furrowed with worry.

"my pretty baby, don't cry please. i'm sorry" he kissed your forehead.

"i'm so stupid. please forgive me." hyunjin softly pecked your nose.

a small gesture that made your heart hurt with how genuinely heart felt he was being. carefully he carried you, making you stand under the shower. it was perfect. you watched as he took his soaking wet shirt off and tugged his pants and everything else off. hurriedly stepping into the shower. to be as close to you as possible. his body pressed against yours in the misr intimate lovely way possible.

"my gorgeous darling" you cried harder when he cupped your face to place a chaste kiss on your lips.

"i'm sorry...i'm sorry for not talking to you. it was childish and dramatic of me to do that"

"i'm s-sorry too" you mumbled. maybe you were being a teeny weeny bit emotional.

"i'm the one whose sorry baby...you did nothing wrong"

another kiss to your face. the water was hot against your skin but his body provided you with a warmth that reached your heart.

"I love you so much, my love...please never forget that"

[dazed--xx]

SKZ Reaction: He hurts the reader (Maknae Line)

A/N: ooofff two uploads in a couple days that shit crazy 😜 but yeah I hope you guys enjoy and there probably won’t be a part two I enjoy that they left the boys because of the behavior. But requests are open and hopefully I’ll release something else soon.

Masterlist. Hyung Line

Jisung:

“You don’t fucking get it Y/N!” Jisung exclaimed for the umpteenth time since you both had walked through the door. “What is there to get? All this could have been avoided if you would have just told me it was supposed to be boys night. I feel bad for ruining that for you guys especially since I wasn’t informed. You didn’t have to have an attitude all night you could have asked me to leave” you retort as you pull your heels off. “Do you really think I could have said Oh you’re not welcome to come? You would have lost your shit and gotten all clingy and annoying like you always fucking do and it’s ridiculous how much you cling to me!” His words spew like venom, you stare at him in utter shock. “Fine I’m sorry I imposed myself on your night with your friends. It won’t happen again can we please not do this right now Ji. It’s stupid we love each other and we shouldn’t be fighting over something that’s not even important” you plead grabbing at his wrist softly, placing your cheek on his shoulder. A habit you’ve become accustomed to since this was a great calming technique when it came to your boyfriend. Typically you’d both sit silently with your head on his shoulder as you both just caught your breath and actually communicated; which is why you were so surprised when you felt him shove you roughly off him. “Don’t fucking touch me seriously can you be any more annoying tonight?!” He growls.

Struggling to catch yourself, you hit your side on the corner of the counter a sharp gasp is released from your throat as your had instinctively caressed the area. “Ow!” You cry, you stare at him in shock “what the hell is wrong with you?” Hurt is laced in your angry tone. His eyes are wide with surprise and guilt. “My love I didn’t realize—I’m so sorry” he apologized profusely, his hand caressing the small of your back making you flinch. A whimper is released from his throat “Im seriously so sorry baby I don’t know why I—just don’t touch me please just leave me alone” you cut him off moving away from him slightly. You see the reality setting in on his face as tears form in his eyes. “I really didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry” he gasps out “please don’t make me leave I-I can fix this..” his pleas fall on deaf ears as you gesture him to leave. His hands wrap around your wrists and he holds them to his chest. “Jisung seriously, let me go and leave I don’t want you here.” You snap, knowing your words were quite harsh yet you didn’t care. You didn’t care that he looked like his entire world was crumbling around him. You didn’t care that he was sorry. if him pushing you was the only reason you were doing this you would have had your resolve broken by the way he had pushed you; but his words prior also continued to ring in your head. “Babe I’m begging you please don’t make me leave. I’m sorry I hurt you I am so fucking sorry I hurt you but it won’t ever happen again I promise you that. I can fix this…I don’t want to break up please don’t break up with me.. even if you need space I can give you that I-I can…—sigh—I can be better for you okay? I didn’t mean to genuinely I didn’t mean to.” He pleads. The pain that’s radiating through your back is being less burdensome than the pain in your heart at his words. But your mind is set “please leave Jisung…” you mutter under your breath before you pull your hands from his and make your way into the bedroom locking the door behind you. You heard heavy sobs and profanities coming from your living room for a while before the sound of the front door opening reaches your ears. You hear him cry out to you one more time begging for you to call him when you’ve figured out how you feel before the door is closed behind him.

Felix:

Tears form in your eyes as you stare meekly at your hands placed in your lap at the fourth joke about the dress you chose to wear. And while you did believe it hugged your body and curves in a modest yet sexy way apparently, your boyfriend and his friends found it a lot more arousing than you had intended. With the alcohol that had flowed consistently throughout dinner had sent all inhibitions out the window with the drunk boys. You felt embarrassed as Felix laughed along with the rest of his members. You felt disgusting and objectified. A look of disgust was plastered on Chans girlfriends face as she stared at her boyfriend for his latest comment. You could feel the other girls eyes on you making your growing embarrassment worse. “I-I’m going to see you guys later, j-just text me what I owe you guys for my portion” you croak as you lift yourself from your seat, ignoring Felix’s confused pleading pout. The girls giving you a sympathetic smile telling you to text them when you got home, you give them a small wave and make your way out of the restaurant allowing the tears to flow freely. Honestly you didn’t know what you were thinking wearing something like that, you and the girls went shopping and they thought it would help you gain a little bit of confidence yet now that plan had backfired and you were a laughing stock. And with Felix just laughing along like you, his girlfriend, weren’t objectified and then to make a sexual joke about you himself had you seething and utterly destroyed. A pair of arms clumsily the smell of soju and a familiar cologne fills your nostrils. You bite your bottom lip looking away from your boyfriend. “Ughh come on babe what’s up? What’s wrong?” He whines as he tries to cuddle into you.

“You’re kidding me right?” You snap, pulling away from him “no seriously what’s your problem? Everyone was having fun and you just took things way too personal they aren’t into you like that babe” he offhandedly sighed as he pulled you closer to his frame placing wet kisses along your shoulder “but I am, so please don’t be mad I can’t help but be all over you right now you look so fucking good” he groans his arms firmly wrapping around your waist. “Felix seriously get off me!” You growl trying to pull his hands from around your waist “why are you being such a fucking bitch! “ He snaps releasing his hold on you “I’m sorry I don’t enjoy being objectified by 8 different men!” You retort. A sarcastic laugh rings through the air before Felix’s eyes are locked on you. A darkness takes over his expression “you shouldn’t have just sat there and just allowed it to happen if it was such a problem…I bet it’s what you wanted when you dressed like such a slut.” He snaps his hands wrapping around your shoulders shoving you back against the brick wall roughly.

You stare at him in shock, your mouth hung open as he got in your face his hand grabbing at your chin forcing you to look at him. “Felix you’re drunk let me go!” You argue trying to remove his aggressive hold on you. A conflicted look is planted on his face “you’re such a fucking bitch Y/N!” He exclaims “why do you have to be so fucking annoying right now all I wanted was to have fun with my friends and you had to go and ruin my fucking night! Honestly don’t dress like a whore if you don’t want to be treated like one.” His expression still wearing that unfamiliar darkness which makes your stomach turn. You’ve never seen this side of him, and now that you have you were absolutely terrified. “I never told you to leave you could have had fun with them Lix it would have been fine I just felt uncomfortable so I left I never asked you to leave with me you chose that. And you can chose to go back because I don’t want to be around you” you mutter your eyes drifting to the ground. “Fucking pathetic bitch..” he states under his breath “fine whatever then, bye” his tone is full of sarcasm and anger. You nod softly as you go to make your way around Felix. “Don’t expect me to call your prude ass later though…” he quips. You stare at him with disgust “don’t worry I won’t. Honestly you should expect to get a call or text from me tomorrow when all your shit is packed and on my porch” you growl, shoving him back before ripping the necklace he got you off and tossing it at him. His expression drops, “c-come on, your kidding right?” Panic fills his tone. You shake your head as you walk away from him. “Y-Y/N, wait come on let’s just talk about this..” he begs his hand reaching out to grab you. “No Felix we’re done. There’s nothing else to talk about you can go fuck yourself. Tonight told me what kind of guys you and your friends are and honestly it’s absolutely fucking disgusting. I don’t want to see you again I genuinely hate you especially since you wanted to call me a whore and put your hands on me I’m done with you I don’t ever want to see you again so don’t bother coming to see me when you sober up. Don’t call don’t text I just don’t exist to you anymore; I hope you understand this now because I won’t be entertaining this conversation again” you state stoically before walking away.

Seungmin:

“You had no right!” Seungmin shouted as he stormed into your practice room. Your eyebrows raise in amusement “what do I have no right to do?” You challenge placing your hands on your hips defiantly. A bored expression placed on your face. His jaw clenches as he releases a heavy sigh “Why’d you do that to Soohee?” You roll your eyes “oh my god! What the hell did she tell you? I literally told her to either actually learn the choreography or at least pretend better! Is there something wrong with me as a trainee about to debut scolding my lacking member; who already doesn’t put much effort in because she’s your friend?” You argue. “Min I��m not doing this with you right now as you know I’m busy right now and I’ll apologize to Soohee when she comes back okay? I have to figure this choreography out right now because the choreographer just changed it again because of Soohee. Why don’t you tell your friend to take this more seriously since JYP is ready to shelf us already since we can’t seem to get it together because Soohee won’t put any effort in.” Your steady your breathing as you make your way back over to your phone to run through your dance again. Suddenly, you feel a sharp grasp on your arm forcing you back toward your boyfriend. “You need to leave her alone Y/N! I get your jealousy but she is trying she is putting in effort—just because you’re fucking her and you think no one knows doesn’t mean you need to defend her every time she genuinely does something wrong. She’s my group member that’s why I’ve just left things alone but honestly I don’t even care if I debut anymore because I can’t be in a group with her anymore and I honestly can’t deal with you anymore.” You cut him off forcing his hand off you.

“Why do you have to act like a fucking child?! I’m not cheating on you Y/N I haven’t done anything with Soohee.” He snaps “I don’t care anymore Seungmin that’s the thing you’ve made it clear that in your eyes Soohee is absolutely gold and will always be right. I’m done being second choice to my boyfriends friend. Someone who, mind you, let me know that you guys are indeed sleeping together and also earlier today showed me pictures of you two in bed together! So I don’t care how you feel about Soohee nor do I care about how you feel about me anymore” you state boldly. You can see the conflict in Seungmin’s eyes, you can see that he believes you but he doesn’t want to. He wants to continue to hold his childhood friend in high regard but he knew you were serious. “She’s lying, those pictures are really old before I met you. Nothing happened between us even then I promise you that! I can’t lose you over this please I believe you.. I’ll talk to Soohee and things can get figured out.” He begged his hands grasping at yours trying to pull you into him. Your eyes refusing to meet his, in his panic his hands encase your face “please look at me! I can fix this” he pleas. “No honestly Seungmin just leave” you counter. His eyebrows scrunch together as he throws his phone in your direction “Fuck!” you feel it whip past your head smacking against the mirror behind you. Both of your eyes widen in shock within seconds Seungmin’s arms are around you “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to do that—please get out” you cut him off “w-what no please I’m really sorry” he drops to his knees “GET OUT!!” You scream his eyes watering locked on you with a pleading expression as he shakes his head “no please don’t make me leave I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to I wasn’t looking I wasn’t thinking please I’m sorry” you scoff as you pull yourself from his grasp “I don’t want to see you again” you explain as you walk out of the door.

Jeongin:

“Why are you such a fucking slut?!” Jeongin exclaims. “Jeongin! Thats literally an over exaggeration. I went to lunch with my coworker I wasn’t on a date with him it was literally everyone in my department!” You explain your anger growing in your stomach as your boyfriend continued his tirade. “You’ve been fucking him for months behind my back haven’t you?!” He shouts his hand grabbing at the lamp on the end table and throwing it toward you. The loud crash behind you making you recoil in fear. “No it’s seriously not like that! I haven’t done anything wrong!” You argue with your hands over your ears. You see him lifting the picture of you two from your first anniversary before he threw it at your feet the glass crashing and cracking as it made contact with the ground “you’re a fucking whore! And you say you didn’t do anything wrong? Is fucking your coworker not wrong in your eyes?!” He storms over to you his hand grabbing at your hair pulling your face toward his “you wanna rethink what you just fucking said?” He challenges. Fear flowed through your veins, he was going to hurt you. He was going to seriously hurt you…and you were absolutely terrified. He’s never acted like this before. “Please I’m sorry I’ll leave I won’t bother you again if that’s what you believe but I want to go home I’m scared please let me go home” you pleaded through your sobs. “Fuck!” He growls as he throws you back your head hitting the wall before you land on the broken remnants of the lamps. You can feel the cuts forming on your hands but all you could think was this was your chance. And you dash toward the door. Your legs carrying you at a record breaking speed.

“Wait! Wait I didn’t mean to scare you” he calls his hand wrapping around your arm softly tugging you to face him. His hand caresses your cheek “Im sorry honey, why’d you have to go and make me do that?” His tone is soft. Disgust fills your stomach, anger flares in your stomach as your hand makes contact with his cheek “im sorry honey why’d you have to go and make me mad?” You challenge as you shove him off you and walk out the door, leaving him standing there wide eyed and caressing his now reddened cheek.

[olderthannetfic]

Im neither a proshipper nor an anti at this current stage in life, but at one point i was an anti i guess? And I hate it say it, but looking back, I understand why. I don't think I actually gave a fuck about Harmful Fanfic or whatever, it was just a substitute for therapy that i couldn't get at the time (because "literally neurodivergent and a minor" or whatever, but like...actually literally neurodivergent and a minor LOL).

As weird as it sounds like, no one cared about my ACTUAL PAIN, and that made me feel EVEN MORE PAIN, so i took it out on ppl who shipped "abuse", or whatever.

It's so stupid now, as an adult who is mentally better than I was then, but as ridiculous as it was, seeing someone ship an "abusive" ship or a "queer erasing ship" (like a canonically gay character with someone of the other binary gender)...it felt eerily similar to the actual abuse I was facing and the stress that everyone was putting on me to find a boyfriend or ask why my (closeted lesbian) self didn't like any boys.

But it was so much easier to keyboard warrior about how people who ship Bad things are Bad people, than it was to fix any problems in my actual life because...well, the actual problems in my life COULDN'T be fixed. That isn't a learned helplessness thing, there was genuinely nothing I could've done. So pissing off Shippers was, like, a vessel for that, and it *felt* like I was getting to lash out at the same people who were ACTUALLY hurting me, even though that obviously is not the case. Funny thing is, it wasn't actual fandom discourse that made me switch sides, it was getting to learn more about youth liberation movements and stuff, because it was then that I recognized the actual structures that were making me hurt.

I think one silver lining is it's made me more compassionate an adult. While I don't have any defense for the antis who do actual horrendous stuff like doxxing or sending death/rape threats, etc, I do have a lot of defense for the ones who were like me and would just make posts talking about how Wrong it is to ship certain things. I know that not all antis are in the same place that I was once was, and some are just genuinely immature brats, but it's like. . . I get it, you know?

The cycle of abuse/bullying is weird and it's not often a 1:1 "I had an abusive parent so now i'll be an abusive parent", sometimes it's the chronically online stuff like I did. It's also why I'm careful-careful to not engage and to just block or, even try to have a mature discussion if I can, and if the person I'm talking to is just "a little bit annoying" rather than "actual bully doing/sending illegal stuff". A lot of them just want to be heard, I think, and it really makes me sad that this is the way they choose to be heard...but also i get it, because i was that.

--

Yup. We often discuss anti tendencies in this framework.

People want control over their environment when they have none. They want the world to make sense and for there to be simple rules they can follow to Never Mess Up. This is a very common reaction to trauma and also typical of brains that like order and neat boxes and a world full of justice and logic.

The trouble is that a critical mass of "I'm just pointing this out" type posts does tend to make all the other teens with an issue around moral scrupulosity implode. (And let's be real, plenty of the antis themselves are secretly into dark content and are trying to pray the gay kink away.)

I have some sympathy, but I'm still going to tell people they're sealioning when they are and tell them they're flat out wrong about how fantasies work, not sugar coat it because they're probably a delicate teen. There's no need to be excessively mean or treat people as irredeemable, but I also don't like how we talk endlessly about compassion for teen antis and not for teens targeted by antis. It's similar to how there are all those complaints like "Hey, I work hard to manage my mental illness, but all the support seems to go to people who are letting their issues rampage..."

[navstuffs]

hi!! i really love your writing and i would love if you could feed me with a request (only if you're comfortable with it, ofc) 👉🏼👈🏼 what about a leon x reader where reader is passing through a very tough depressive crisis and is really not fine mentally speaking — and leon just try to help and comfort them through this? 👉🏼👈🏼

anyway, thank you for your fics, they really helped me these days 😭💗

Anchor

Pairing: Leon Kennedy x GNPartner!Reader

Summary: It is 1 am when Leon Kennedy knocks on your door. He shouldn't be there and you shouldn't have opened it. 

Warning tags: hurt/comfort, angst, leon almost died, reader is suffering with anxiety due to past events, can be read as platonic or romantic (you choose)

Writer's Notes: hello! first of all, im sorry i took so long to write this request for you. i changed some stuff and i hope you don't mind (reader is still depressed). thank you so much your kind words and i hope this fic serves as comfort for you!! <333 stay safe anon!

for more painful leon's fics, check my masterlist. i have some happy ones too :)

It is 1 am when Leon Kennedy knocks on your door. It is the third time that week only, the fifth of the month. 

It starts when you don’t appear at work after two weeks since his return, and no one knows where you are. HR informs you are sick, which means you are still alive somewhere in the world, just sick. Okay, but sick with what? Sick how? Are you in the hospital? Do you need any help? Leon knows you don’t have family around, like him, and you are pretty much alone - like him. 

So, as any regular worried friend would, he calls and texts. He wants to hear your voice and guarantee that you don’t need help and have everything you need. That you truly are okay. No answer. HR has guaranteed him you are not dead, but what if you—no, he shouldn’t think about that.

The next step is going to your house. He knows where your address is and wouldn’t be a complete weird appearing there in the afternoon. No answer. Leon won’t be a creep as far as looking at your windows, at least not yet. He won’t go as far as busting your door and checking how you are feeling because he needs to confirm you are okay. You might just not be home.

On the second visit, Leon got awfully close to kicking your door. Before he could do that or even knock, he saw a shadow pass over the window. Though Leon told himself he wouldn’t, he looked inside just in time to see you disappear to the second floor. So, at least you are really alive, Leon’s body filling with relief. It could have been a bad case of flu, and you don’t want to contaminate anyone.

One more week passes, and he visits your house two more times. Those times you didn’t even bother to hide yourself, lazily lying down on the sofa in a way Leon couldn’t see your face (oh yeah, now he is definitely peeking out your windows). So you are genuinely ignoring him or truly sick with some contagious disease. Maybe Covid?

The fifth time he knocks on your door, it is 1 am and Leon is deeply not only worried but bitter. He was sitting in his apartment alone, wondering what you had and why you didn’t open the door for him. You two are colleagues, and Leon would dare to go as far as to call you his friend if anyone asked. How many times have you brought him soup while he was sick? Brought him meds, kept him company? Checked on him until he was finally all better?

It would be only fair if he did the same.

Leon grabs his keys without even thinking: You will open the door for him tonight. And if you don’t, well, he will kick it open. To hell with the civil approach.

-x-

All the courage slips away from his body when he notices the kitchen’s light on. Leon can’t see anything inside since you decided to make his life harder and close the curtains. So, instead of kicking that door until it’s down, Leon goes back to the gentle approach (like the idiot he is): he knocks.

The door opens not even ten seconds later, and Leon blinks, surprised. You are there. You, not a trick of his eyes: a fluffy and long blanket covering your body, only your face peeking with a familiar expression Leon recognizes immediately - he had seen in his own mirror before.

“You won. What the fuck do you want?” Those are the first words to him in weeks.

“May I come in?” 

You ponder for a moment, your eyes red, and Leon wonders when you last slept. You walk away, leaving the door open, and Leon follows inside, locking the door behind him. 

Your house isn’t in the best state. He had been here before and thought you weren’t the most organized person (“I can find myself in my own mess, Leon.”). The mess had grown too much from normal. There were tons of take-out boxes on the kitchen counter, pizza boxes, and fast food bags. At least you had been eating—not the best food ever, but feeding. He could work with that.

And the bottles—oh, those Leon would identify anywhere. You weren’t a heavy drinker, and you mentioned plenty of times you didn’t know how he liked whiskey. Now, there were countless empty bottles of whiskey, beer, and vodka, so much so that the place looked like a bunch of frat boys had a party just the night before and didn’t bother to clean.

Leon follows you to the living room as you fall onto the couch. An old Simpsons episode plays on the TV screen. There are still some bags and bottles on the floor, but fewer. Your eyes focus on the TV, not really watching or paying attention to him.  Leon stands there, keeping a safe distance from you and gathering what to say. 

“I came to check on you.” Leon starts, his eyes glued on you. “You haven’t called or texted me back. The HR said-”

“I am sick. I wanted to be left alone.”

“I know, but-”

“I could complain about this to HR, you know? It could be considered an invasion of privacy, and you could lose your job. “

“I was worried about you.”

“You saw me in the window that day, didn’t you? I’m alive and breathing. Now get out.”

You hide your face in the sofa, conversation clearly done on your side. It feels like an impossible battle to win. Leon then tries again, “Do you need anything?” 

“No. Get out.”

He sighs, turning on his heels. Leon wants to say you can call if you need him, any time, but Leon knows you wouldn't. This is an impossible battle to win, Leon realizes as he starts to leave. But then he freezes, a memory piercing his thoughts. Leon comes back to the living room, your face still hidden.

“No.”

“What?” 

“I am not leaving. Not before I know what is wrong.”

“I am sick.”

“Yes. So I have heard.” 

You don’t turn to look at him, and that’s fine. If you want to be stubborn, so could he. Leon can wait. The episode on the TV finally ends, and as the familiar opening plays in the background, you slowly turn in his direction, one eye appearing first, then the other, as if expecting Leon would be gone by now. Unlucky for you, Leon S. Kennedy didn’t give up that easily, especially for his friends.

“I don’t know what you are feeling, but I know that face.” His voice manages to sound neutral.

Of course, he does. Of course, your partner, the legendary D.S.O veteran, would know. You, just a newbie, would have no idea what he went through, but Leon didn’t seem the kind of person to crumble for anything. Leon would probably be fine if you were the one to get shot, not him. He wouldn’t have panicked, he wouldn’t have started crying, screaming for someone to help them, losing themselves in a sea of despair and pain.

“Hey…”

Blood. So much blood in your hands. You are useless, you can’t help him as Leon’s face loses color-

“Hey.”

He deserved someone better—someone much better as a partner—not you, a weak agent who thought you were strong enough to stand by his side. Oh, how wrong you were.

Leon calls your name, more urgent this time, and your line of sight is filled with the face of the man you considered your friend right at your path—concerned blue eyes, his hair tickling against your face. His forehead is in concentration, the faint ghost of a beard, as he speaks soothingly. “Hey, look at me. You are safe. Deep breaths, come on.” 

The visions mix as you blink: Leon losing blood in your arms, unconscious, back to being safe, his worried eyes staring at you.

Your rapid breathing noise fills the room, your heart wanting to burst as the pain spreads over your body, the pain worse than being stabbed or punched. You keep your eyes on Leon - he is fine, he is safe, he is well, he is worried sick about you- as he continues to nod and tell you to breathe.

It takes a while, Leon’s hands on your shoulder as you finally calm down, the tears rolling freely from your eyes.

“I am sorry.” You manage to whisper. “I am so sorry.”

“You are safe. We both are safe.” Leon declares, and you take that in. Right now, yes. But what about tomorrow? What about-? “Hey, eyes open at me.” When had you even closed them? “Come on. There is no one else, just you and me. And we are safe.” 

You nod, not arguing back. Finally, you sit down, and Leon takes two steps back. “Water?” 

“I think there are some in the fridge,” you reply, cleaning your tears. Leon leaves and quickly comes back with two bottles, unbottling them for you. You shake your head, but Leon insists, and you drink in small sips, the cold liquid refreshing your dry throat. When was the last time you had any water? Or took a shower? Or slept?

Finally, you give him space on the couch to sit. Leon doesn’t, and you point your head to your side, and he sits, keeping a safe distance from you. You two say nothing for a while, simply looking at the TV to watch Bart Simpsons on his shenanigans. 

“I am sorry.”

“Would you stop that?” Leon sighs back, frustrated. 

“No. I am sorry.”

“Fine. I forgive you. Are we good now?”

“No.” 

“I knew it wouldn’t be,” Leon replies with a sad smile.

“You could have died, and I didn’t-” Leon says your name, but you continue “-let me finish. I didn’t help. I didn’t move. I did nothing.” 

Leon didn’t want to talk about this, knowing it was inevitable. The day he took a bullet for you: not one, but two. Leon noticed before you, his reflexes quicker than yours. It was his responsibility anyway.

You only watched, shocked, as the bullet pierced his leg, then his chest. You didn’t move or flinch; you just froze, your hands closing and opening nervously as Leon fell right in front of you. You had been fortunate that the backup team had arrived on the other second, finding in the middle of the swarm of bullets a screaming you protecting Leon with his own body, all training thrown out of the window. You two should have been dead. Life had given you and him another chance, since no other vital organ or vein of Leon had been damaged.

You don’t remember much after except asking for your resignation that same day and getting a “No” as an answer. So you decided to get on sick leave until some higher-up got tired and fired you.

“I did nothing.” Leon tries to interrupt you again, but you continue, “You could have died, and I did nothing.”

“It wouldn’t be your fault.” 

“What? Of course, it would!” 

“No, it would not.” 

“Can you fucking stop trying to make me feel better?” Your tone is so angry, so vile, that Leon almost flinches. 

Death is always in the back of his mind. Every time he is out there, he could die. He is expandable; they all are, but he couldn’t just let you die. You a much smarter version of what he once was during Raccoon City. The same bravery, but not foolish as his. Much sharper. Leon knew why he got paired up with you in the first place, the irony not completely lost in him. 

It would have been fine if Leon died that day he protected you, but not okay if you did. Not on his watch. Not now, not ever.

“I can’t help it,” Leon replies, a sad smile on his lips. “I can’t help it, especially when a friend needs my help.” 

A friend? 

Do not grow attachments. Wasn’t that your first lesson? It had been hard to be paired up with a man who hated it at first, then to learn how to laugh at his silly jokes or admire how far Leon would go for anyone. For anyone, except himself, stupid brave man.

You open your mouth and close it, simply lying against the sofa with your eyes closed. 

“So, let me help you?” His voice is warm and inviting. 

It would be best if you said no. You should kick this man out of your living room, out of your life, and never go back to that stupid job fighting an endless battle that would end with you dead or someone you cherished dead. You don’t know how Leon does it, but as you open your eyes, his blue eyes look straight at you awaits in hope. Waiting to comfort you, support you to the best of his abilities, and be your friend.

The pain is still there, vivid in your soul and mind, but there is hope. Right there, in that tiny spot you gave Leon S. Kennedy. That’s why you shouldn’t have opened that damn door, you realize, but it is too late. You limit on nodding.

[lateatnewyork]

Down Bad

luke castellan x apollo!reader

warnings: angst

a/n: inspired by down bad by taylor swift (i am ignoring all my drafts i have no will to write for 😭) THIS IS NOT ACCURATE

italics - flashback normal - current bold - (idk js impacting lines 😭) this - lyrics

i paced back and forth in the dimly lit room, my siblings long asleep. percy had just returned from his quest, successful, luke was taking him to chiron. normally i would just sit on my bed waiting for him to come back, but i had a vision. one where percy got hurt.

which was strange since he was with luke, and luke wouldn't let percy get injured unless luke was injured too. but it was probably just another of my visions that made no sense. i waited two minutes, five minutes, however when the clock ticked over to ten minutes i stood up and rushed to chiron.

seeing the half man half goat safe in the middle of the bonfire, running to him i questioned him.

"chiron, do you know where luke is? he was meant to take percy to you,"

my concerned tone was met with a swift shake of his head and then he resumed his conversation with mr d.

"i think i saw them heading into the forest," a camper responded.

running to the woods, i saw the faint light deep in the woods. sprinting through the woods, i sighed in relief when the source of the brightness came closer.

not thinking twice, i broke the bushes hiding the opening from me and barged in to see percy on the floor.

"percy oh shit, what happened- where's luke?" my rambling became quicker and louder.

"behind you," percy hoarsely whispered.

"what-" my question was broken by a small pinch to my neck and black spots invaded my vision and strong arms held me up.

"im sorry y/n, i love you" those were the last things i heard before i fainted.

───────────────────────────────────────────

my eyes opened, but i wasn't on the forest floor anymore, i was in the infirmary. annabeth was sitting at my side, my hand jerked when i realised she was holding it.

"y/n you're awake" she sighed.

"where's percy?" i asked. she smiled and replied "he's safe".

"it was luke." i breathed out.

"i know."

"it was luke" my bottom lip wobbled.

───────────────────────────────────────────

there was no one to talk about this with. no one would've understood me. the pain i felt for losing luke, even though i knew this was his choice and his doing, it still hurt inside me.

i tried talking about my feelings once with clarisse, but she didn't understand no matter how much she pretended she did, and the dirty looks i got from campers at the slightest mention of luke hurt.

they'll say i'm nuts if i talk about the existence of you

luke is the perfect boyfriend, he picks me up from my cabin making sure i reach my destination safely. he gives me flowers weekly, tells me he loves me, is the perfect gentleman and cares about me. just when i thought i couldn't love him more, i saw him helping a fairly young camper, the way he crouched down so the boy didn't get intimidated, with a genuine smile that was normally only reserved for me and for a moment my heart ached with how much i loved him.

for a moment, i was heavenstruck

"you look beautiful today, love" luke said with a smile. "i look the same as yesterday luke" i giggle. "yes but you in the sunshine is gift to the world" he says as he pulls me in for a soft kiss.

did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust

"luke was the one who betrayed the gods" and me.

just to do experiments on?

i stood at the cliff where me and luke hung out, where we had our first kiss, where he first asked me to be his-

"fuck you luke" i scream out into the abyss, so loudly hoping it reaches him

"please don't leave me," i break down, my voice cracking.

how dare you think it's romantic leaving me safe and stranded?

"daughter, you need to fix yourself, you are a daughter of apollo not some peasantly god" dad normally doesn't visit but i guess his daughter ruining the face of apollo was a good enough reason.

"i'm sorry-"

"you're destroying my image and the image of all your siblings," he reprimanded.

"but dad, luke-"

"i don't want to hear that traitors name from your mouth again,"

and with that he left.

down bad (like i lost my twin)

"i get that y/n is sad, but he was just a boyfriend, she's dragging it," one of my siblings said.

"i know she's so overbearing, i feel bad for annabeth and percy,".

tears i didn't know i was holding broke free and spilled over wetting my cheeks.

"i might just die, it would make no difference"

"you know you look like a star reincarnated" luke said his hand caressing my face. pulling away with a blush i replied "you're too kind luke,"

"come back"

staring at the sky, come back and pick me up

"i love you luke".

my eyes shut as the darkness of hades' embrace swallowed me whole.

cause fuck it i was in love fuck you if i cant have us cause fuck it i was in love

a/n sorry abt the shitty post but i didnt want to ghost you guys (like i have been doing) soooo yeah

[swervinonalatenight]

I've rewatched Apology tour about five times now and I keep having this awful feeling whenever I get to the "Fuck Blitzo Party", because while the episode and tone of the section portray it as a group coping mechanism for all the people Blitzo hurt, it never feels HEALTHY.

Verosika says its them coping together and finding people who share the same pain to heal together, a group therapy session basically, but when the entire events of the session is a party, held every year solely dedicated to hating the person who hurt you despite caring about them still isn't group coping.

Its staying in the safety of your pain.

Everyone there, from Verosika to Stolas, is there because they hate Blitzo, but also still care about him. They throw knives at effigies and eat cake that looks like his corpse, yet they break down crying whenever they think of him actually getting hurt. They hate him with every fiber of their beings yet feel like shit for doing so, and they get with people who share the same pain but always come back to the same party about hating the same guy to get with people who also had their heart broken by them.

We don't know how long its been happening, but we can guess that practically everyone there is a repeat goer. even if they hook up, they always come back.

Because to them, its a form of safety. They know a place where there will be people who share similar experiences and pain, even as that place shoves that pain in their face and makes them revel in it.

It says a lot that the only person that we know ISN'T there is Fizz, and thats because Fizz forgave him after coming to an understanding with him. Fizz chose to let go of his hate after understanding what happened that night, and moved on.

I remember something my grandmother told me. Forgiving isn't letting in happiness, its letting go of pain. Fizz let go of his and is happier now, he was able to, with Blitzo's help, get free of Mamon and publicly be with Asmodeus, and the two are on better terms.

Verosika, up until Apology Tour, at any mention of Blitzo, immediately swung to mood into calling him out and embarrassing him publicly, she moved her office next to his JUST to piss her off, and it got her arrested in the human world. She throws a party to cope with her pain and heartbreak to feel better yet all it does is really make her feel like shit.

And yes, she deserves to not forgive Blitzo. She can hate him, and she is right to not want him in her life and she SHOULD show him how much he hurt her. And she has, and all she can do is KEEP doing it, keep reveling in her pain and sorrow even as she knows its bad and shitty is because its safe to her.

And she's right. Forgiveness is scary. Its like a needle in the arm, yes its going to hurt, yes its a scary thing to do, but ultimately, letting go of the hate that defines you is better, because now you can move on.

The only time we see Verosika smile, truly smile, is after Blitzo tells her he doesn't want to be the way he is and genuinely wants to change, and is truly remorseful for what he did, and she smiles. Its not one of "Im happy to see you in pain" because she's not looking at him. It reads more "You're actually trying to make things right and change, and i can get why you're like this."

The burden of proof is on the source of pain, on Blitzo, but its still a two way street for forgiveness, and Verosika should see that her "Fuck Blitzo Party" isn't going to give her the solace she wants from Blitzo.

[grapesrsogood]

Xanthus vs period cramps

Find masterlist here

I know its supposed to be gender neutral but i just needed this okay

I couldnt find one so im gonna wright one as best i can

Might feature Dontis (i dont plan what i write. ಠ_ಠ )

Anyways ^o^ as always (one time before) reader is referred to a Love, this time with she/her pronouns and she gets really bad cramps

———————————

Xanthus groans again as he sits on the sofa beside Dontis. The pain in his abdomen had been appearing inconsistently throughout the day and Love had stayed hold up in their shared room for the past two days, not even letting him in to feed or for comfort.

“Whats got you in such a mess today hm?” The incubus raises an eyebrow, to Xanthus’s displeasure.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he pauses a moment, slightly shocked at the venom in his own voice.

“Are you alright? Did something happen?” Dontis pushes, becoming more genuin and concerned for his friend.

“I- im not sure. It could be because i haven’t seen Love much recently but i didnt think it’d have this much of an effect on me,” the waver in his voice holds uncertainty and he huffs in frustration.

“Well, like we know, if one of you is in pain then the other is too, could it be that she isn’t feeling too well? Maybe a stomach bug?” Dontis offers, as he rests his chin on his palm.

“I suppose so but im sure she’d tell me if-,” they both pause for a moment, hearing faint noises from down the hallway, “do you hear that?” Xanthus ask, quietly.

“Yes, it sounds like faint mumbling, or maybe groans?” Dontis mumbles back, in a hushed tone as to keep listening out for the sound.

“I cant take this anymore, im going to see them whether they like it or not,” Xanthus stands and starts making his way towards their room. Dontis doesn’t question him as he sits back and goes back to his business.

Knocking could be heard on the door of their room and she grumbles annoyedly, questioning who was interrupting her ‘try to find a position that doesn’t feel like you’re being stabbed’ time.

Xanthus peeks his head around the door and looks around the room, the smell of metallic blood hitting his nose faintly and he wonders how he don’t notice it sooner. He was by Loves side in an instant, looking over her curled up figure in search of injuries.

“Are you hurt love? Whats wrong, i can feel your pain,” he blurts out, reaching a hand out to hold her face lightly.

She sighs and finally gives up on trying to hide it, “im fine… im just on my period is all…”.

The words hit him like a train. How could he be so stupid. Of course she was on her period! It all made sense, the pains and the avoidance. How could he not have noticed sooner.

He moved quickly, talking just as fast, “do you need anything? Another blanket? A hot water bottle? Food? A dring? Medication?” Worry seeped through his voice as he placed a hand against her forehead.

“Im fine Xan, i promise,” she manages to say, as Xanthus pulls a water bottle out of his suitcase he kept half full in the corner of the room. He put on a dim light and pulled out a fresh blanket from a drawer.

“Xanthus, ive done this before, i can handle it-“ she tried to sit up to speak to him but he placed a hand on her shoulder, setting down the water and pulling the scrunched blanket off of her and laying down the fresh, fluffy blanket.

“You need rest and comfort and thats what im here for, now make some room, Love,” he says softly as he slips under the covers, reaching for her and pulling her into him.

She instinctively wraps her limbs around him and lays her head on his chest. It didnt take long for her cramps to die down, sleep slowly creeping in as she yawns.

“Thank you Xan, love you,” she says, through a sleepy haze.

“Its quite alright my love, now sleep,” he kisses the top of her head and she slowly drifts off as he lays there, silently content in holding her as she lightly snores beside him.

And just for a moment, everything was perfect.

———————————

Its so late and im so tired because i can only write well when its past midnight T^T

I hope you enjoyed reading as much as i enjoyed writing this, i tried my best to really capture the feeling of Xanthus as a person, prepared, caring (towards love and only love :3) and straight forward whilst also adding in some bond + period theories with the mood-swings and cramps because itd be funny to see a 450 year old vampire lose his shit over dropping a plate (ˉεˉ)

Anyways, if u have requests, drop them in the comments and i’ll see u next time baiiii :D

[melissa-titanium]

For the ask game.. my friend serizawa 🙏🙏

SZAWA MY FRIEND. MY WONDERFUL BUDDYBOO. hes... okay, hes awesome. but he doesn't give me brain worms. i think he's SO interesting but i think about him mostly in the context of his dynamic with mob, sho or tome, and less on his own. BUT !!! i do find him interesting on his own, its just that i simply ... dont Talk about him as much.

i doooo wish more of his dynamic with mob got shown because. i think it's so important that mob was his first friend. i feel like, similarly to ekubo & mob, szawa and mob get pushed into the "uncle/dad and son" slots (fanon-wise) when in reality i feel like they're on equal footing as friends? there was a better analysis than i could ever write on ekubo & mob that sort of fits what i'm trying to say about szawa. i feel like the expectations of that particular dynamic are -- oh, x is older than y so immediately they're in a parental/guardian and child dynamic. when like .no ? being on friendly terms with someone who is older than you does NOT = them being your parent or guardian or whatever. essentially -- mob and him are friends. not uncle and nephew, friends. there's something that irks me with the innate idea of szawa holding responsibility for mob. does that make sense? like, obviously that is a grown ass man so he's got to protect a kid if it comes to it but also they're Friends. i genuinely cant word it right but you get what im saying right.

NOW. shou. is interesting too in his dynamic with szawa. a kid who desperately is in need of a friendly adult figure in his life and szawa who is not equipped and not mature enough to handle such a responsibility. i cannot quite recall how old sho was when szawa joined claw, but all i know is that he was LITTLE. the rest of the ult5 were probably very unapproachable for a kid as young as sho. so, i imagine, the one person sho would gravitate to? none other than szawa. now we know szawa, this highly anxious guy who's known nothing but the darkness of his room for well over half of his life . but he's not mean! he's gentle, if a bit willing to look away from bad things that disprove his beliefs (eg; how touichirou treated shou. he couldn't have NOT known, but he also couldn't afford to lose his trust in the president, lest the fragile foundation he'd used to build himself back outside of solitude crumble.) i can imagine sho growing older, maturing past his idea of who his father is and understanding what he's doing. but szawa doesn't. this grown ass man, in sho's eyes, is too weak, too much of a loyal guard dog to leave the president's side. this only contributes to what i imagine is shou's standoffish attitude towards adults. he knew he couldn't trust szawa, but knowing his blind loyalty towards someone who's hurt shou so much must be so painful. angering. szawa, as gentle and kind as he may be, can't let himself fall back into his old habits. so he grasps onto that idea like a lifesaver in the middle of the ocean. but to shou, all that looks like is him being ignorant, deciding to believe what he wants despite what effect it's having on other people. ok i want to write more about shou and also tome but this is long im sorry . nel voice I Don't have a lot of thoughts on szawa. and then this. fuck

[tonydaddingham]

I am going to hazard a guess and predict that most queer viewers are going to side with Crowley in the divorce? The subtext here is usually that Crowley is a queer person who is comfortable in their identity while Aziraphale still doesn't let go of the church and internalized homophobia. And then asking Crowley to try to conform in a way that Crowley has never been comfortable with, implying that in order for this relationship to work you need to be something that you're not (especially potent bc Crowley in particular is explicitly nonbinary/ gender fluid)... its almost violating. That should clearly be asking too much of him and it only hurts worse to realize that Aziraphale doesn't realize that and doesn't truly accept Crowley as he is. Which is a fundamentally Queer Experience Thing.

okay again full disclosure i am not queer, so im only going to answer this to the best of my ability besties, if i don't write things right or deliberately misunderstand a nuance in this, please know im doing my best and anything that is upsetting or offensive please tell me, i am so not qualified to answer this... but nonnie has asked so i shall give it a go!!!✨💓 (cut bc length)

genuine question here: wouldn't, arguably, in this whole choosing sides thing, crowley vs aziraphale, be exactly what divides the queer community? those that could sympathise with aziraphale and his allegory vs those that could sympathise with crowley? this is a genuine question bc i would have thought depending on your (general you) guys' (nb) variety of experiences, good and bad, there are those that could see either side or both?

as for trying to make crowley conform - i'm not going to argue this per se, bc i realise that this must be a very painful concept or experience to go through, and i Will Not invalidate that. but on the other side of the argument, whilst i see and agree that this is how aziraphale could be interpreted generally in this argument, i didn't see it this way at all. not when taking into account aziraphale's whole demeanour in s2.

my understanding is that, as far as the canon has showed us, aziraphale knows very little about the true circumstances of crowley's fall (only that aziraphale warned him against asking questions), and even less about crowley's inner feelings on the matter. whenever aziraphale mentions it, or crowley having been an angel, crowley understandably responds aggressively and angry and obviously that it's still painful.

i don't think it's too far beyond reason for aziraphale to think that crowley - a good demon - might want to take a chance to have the wrong righted (as he sees it), to receive what aziraphale would consider a boon, an apology. whilst he's not in hell's clutches, crowley would have the chance to be free of hell completely. furthermore, it's a chance for them to be together, as friends or otherwise (obvs the metatron conversation is before crowley's confession), and to build the world they want - fair and honest and kind - together. because it's not as if crowley doesn't want that, but he just won't go anywhere near being an angel in order to do it - borne of fear yes but also resentment and bitterness... possibly even arrogance.

aziraphale does lord his angelic status over crowley especially in s1, and does hold a very black and white view over angels = good, demons = bad, but for the most part i think he has started to explore the possibility of grey more in s2. he starts to ease back on crowley and concentrate on making him feel wanted and loved (however that might look on Their Side), but still leaving him agency.

ive talked about aziraphale putting him on a pedestal and that is true, but the person on that pedestal, I don't think, is angel crowley - i don't think it's that simple. i think it's good demon crowley. and that good demon crowley would want to change the world, right?? well, he's got to be an angel to do it - even better!!!

so i didn't necessarily see it as aziraphale wanting to change crowley at all, but instead him thinking that based on what crowley has told him, of course crowley would want this!!! he deserves to be forgiven and restored, he's earnt it and he's a good person!!! but aziraphale unfortunately reneges on his emerging attempts to give crowley that agency, and instead decides for him. i don't think it was necessarily out of wanting to change crowley, but instead him not knowing the full story and therefore choosing a resolution for crowley out of love and respect... but one that crowley doesn't want.

these boys REFUSE to communicate and 👏 it 👏 shows👏✨

[dekusleftsock]

There’s so much evidence for an ochako uraraka rising, it’s painful that I didn’t realize this before.

Maybe this is looking into it too much, but 285 and 375… idk.

Anyway, Tsu pushing Uraraka through the portal after Katsuki’s kidnapping parallel, after Deku being pulled through the portal for a confession.

GIRLS GONNA CONFESS! OR AT LEAST EXPRESS HER LOVE! IM SO EXCITED!

Anyway, more unorganized rambles of my thoughts.

Maybe the reason that danger sense doesn’t go off is because Toga genuinely doesn’t want to hurt Izuku, and her love isn’t inherently violent. Like

Constantly, throughout these chapters, not once, not ONCE does Ochako think that her love is dangerous here. Not a single time. And Izuku is constantly judging her, making conclusions about her true “nature”. BUT THIS IS JUDGING OCHAKO TOO! THIS IS HOW OCHAKO ALSO “EXPERIENCES” LOVE! And I think they’re going to talk about this! (This isn't izuku slander, I'm just being honest, he's great and very loving but only Ochako is saving this girl)

Because not once does Ochako actually want to become toga, they do the same thing that bkdk do. They subconsciously mimic each other.

From literally gaining her eye bags when thinking about her

To putting her hair up in a similar hairdo to toga.

Or even mimicking the way she floats mid air, like these panels

It’s subconscious mimicking of the person you love, not trying to become them.

Let’s look at the difference between Toga’s confession to Izuku vs her confession to Ochako. Because, let me tell you, there are definitely some differences.

Instead of “I wanna BECOME you”, it is “I wanna be LIKE you”.

Ntm the uncanny valley feeling that horikoshi drew with the panel of toga confessing to Izuku. It’s a little eerie in Ochako’s, but not nearly as much as Izuku’s.

And this, this is the biggest thing that stands out to me in their respective confessions.

(Idk why it's being weird, sorry)

With her confession to Ochako, it’s personable. “What would you like to do with me?” Whereas her confession to Izuku refers to him as “hero” first before “you”. It’s softer, more genuine.

It’s her true vulnerability with Ochako, and an escape with Izuku. Instead of saying her confession head on, she disappears into the waves.

Ntm this panel. Has no one noticed what this sounds like? Scratch that, who this sounds like?

Shigaraki has only ever thought of aizawa as “cool”. Why would horikoshi do this? What’s the point? Why in the hell have aizawa and shigaraki had this weird back and forth?

And why the hell would you draw a direct parallel to Toga’s view of Izuku?

Simple: Izuku is the idealized hero in stains eyes. Not only did he directly say that Izuku is a “true hero” but his entire character surrounds the fact that he hates “fake heroes”, aka heroes that are only in the industry for fame or savior complexes, feeling good about yourself. Shigaraki views Aizawa the same.

And Izuku is CONSTANTLY referred to in reference to Allmight. Allmight is an idea, a figure, but he is not a person.

The point of Toga calling Izuku “cool” like Shigaraki refers to Aizawa or how Izuku refers to Allmight, is because idolization causes dehumanization. Humanity is flawed, therefore a person who is perfect is not human.

Toga never sees Uraraka as “cool”, not once. She sees her as a person. And it’s these two contrasting ideas of dehumanization, idolization vs villainizing. Idolization of Izuku through Toga and Ochako, idolization of endeavor through hawks, idolization of Allmight through Izuku, the cycle continues. It’s not love, it’s an idea.

There is not an idolization between Izuku and Katsuki, or Ochako and Toga. It’s an understanding of the people you love and their flaws. You mimic the good and bad. Like how Ochako mimics Toga's fury and acceptance, or how Toga mimics Ochako's determination and exclusion/black and white thinking. Its subconscious, actual love. It is not something born from trauma or another person's pressure. Just as Izuku is learning how to control his heart, Toga is too.

"You got that, hero?"

This image ring any bells?

How about I show this?

Toga too needs to control her heart, so a confession is on the rise for Izuku. If Toga not controlling her heart elicited the same reaction Izuku had, then how are his feelings not the same? This feels like I'm contradicting, because Toga doesn't "really love Izuku" as I've said before. I guess I don't think she loves Izuku in a truly healthy way, she cares about him and rejection hurts no matter what. Especially in the way that Izuku rejected hurt. (Oh the irony to have him discover Katsuki was dead after saying that he would never want the people he loves to be hurt) But their main difference is that, Toga knows Ochako, not Izuku. Just as Izuku knows Katsuki, not Toga, or even Ochako.

But I think that Ochako does or is developing a sort of care for Toga. No, I do not think they would get together at any time near during the current timeline. She will however spill her feelings and guts out for Toga, like Katsuki, on the battlefield. (Praying for that Ochako Uraraka Rising because I don't think that she would let Toga die, especially before talking to her first) I will say, the only way for the heroes to win right now might be turning Toga to the side of the heroes, especially since the clones are entirely spread out now. If a miracle were to happen, I think it will entirely depend on two girl's shoulder's.

This is gonna be fun.

[ask-the-t-sanders-sides]

ARC ENDING: Logan's POV

[TW: this part features implied neglect, if this triggers you, please skip this part, its not more important than your health.]

This part connects to Cronus'. read this one first.

enjoy :] <3 (you can find all the other parts on #arcend on this blog)

"Cronus, i appreciate you attempting to contribute, but i need you to stop."

"stop what? I just want to make sure no one gets hurt again"

"but its not helping. You constantly trying to take over me is not helpful, and it will never be."

"but at least you wont have to feel the pain when i fail you if i do."

"Cronus... We- no.. I trust you to help on your own, as an individual"

"why? You know I've never done that, you know I'll mess up!"

"even if you will, I wont hate you for it! Everyone makes mistakes, even I do. Thats what makes us what we are. Mistakes are an essential part of learning and progressing. Without mistakes you will not be able to grow and evolve. If you make mistakes, those that will hate you are those you need to hate back. Its not 'bad' or 'wrong' to make mistakes, its just another way to learn."

Cronus sighs, his eyes full of tears. I hope he understands what im saying, I hope he knows I care. I dont want him to end up the way I did.

"Th-" he stutters for a few seconds, his words tripping on tears, "Thank you, Logan" he finally says as the tears run down his face, his voice trembling.

"of course. If you ever need to talk to someone, even if you're not looking for anything specific, im always here."

"do you think he hates me?"

"i dont think so, he's probably afraid of you because of your past actions. He's not the kind of side to hate someone for actions induced by fear."

"honestly i could understand if he doesn't forgive me, i was a horrible brother"

"horrible? No... you were scared. He was a lot of responsibility, you weren't ready for it. If you talk to him, and explain why you did those things, he'll surely understand your actions"

"are you sure? He's very emotional, and he overthinks things... he might take it as a joke or even an insult... I dont want us to end up as separate from each other as Creativity"

"im certain that he will understand, even if it takes him a while to show it. As much as he tries to hide it, he's the most sympathetic side here."

"if you say that.. i trust you" he wipes his tears

Never have I thought to hear these words from someone other than Remus. This... It... It hurts to hear... It hurts to hear it from someone who genuinely means it... Why does it hurt? It feels like.. like a deep paper cut, something so simple, hurts so much.

"I..." And for the first time, i find myself struggling to find the right words. We sit in silence for a few seconds before I manage to find my words, "I appreciate you saying that."

Cronus turns to face me, noticing my eyes shut tight.. im holding back tears, again. I dont know if they're positive or negative tears, but they're strong, and its terrifying.

[rewllim]

my love for whump and angst (but specifically whump) has always been present in my life for as long as i can remember, before i even knew what it was, and i had and still have sooo many questions surrounding it. i’ll never understand why something that revolves around pain and sick and twisted stuff overall makes me feel so much, and i genuinely used to feel like such a FREAK. like genuinely if i go as far as i can back to like, the first hyperfixation i’ve had on a tv show character (i probably was like 11 or 12), i remember getting so ?£}>38(&?€ when they’d get hurt or something and kinda logically knew that wasn’t « normal » per say, cuz, well, none of my friends would think like that. like fuck daydreaming about a crush my ass would and admittedly still does go to sleep coming up w the most fucked up and worst possible situations my blorbos could get into. i remember confiding in a friend abt this and them just looking at me and unironically telling me i was fucking weird for that LMFAO anyways i guess this is me ranting slash venting. i do have to say tho coming on tumblr has been such a therapeutic experience in the sense that i discovered that there were actually ppl that felt like me and even tho i’m not at all apart of the whump community it does make me feel like less of a deranged person i guess.

now that im a little older im also very aware that this without a doubt stems from trauma but yeah there are still days i feel really bad over it idk man.

sorry for the rant but it’s almost 1am and i’m thinking and tumblr feels like such a safe place and i would love for u guys to tell me if you relate in any way. or not. that’s cool too.

[mspeevee]

Would it help more to ask you questions so you can vent, or would you prefer comfort? If so, would you prefer reassurance or advice?

I know it's a lot, and I don't want to condenscend. But I do promise that you aren't doing anything wrong by feeling this way. Take as much time as you need <3

i just wish i felt like i was important to my friends enough that i was worth the time i put into them back

i wasn't gonna vent but then i exploded anyways.

the gist is that multiple times now i've felt like i do all this effort, messaging first, making art (i don't do it expecting anything back), sharing my life with people only to receive like, appreciation but not reciprocation. and then i watch them do all of that for other people and i can't help but feel like it's my fault. like i am just so replaceable.

and then when i am hurting so bad i understand they don't know what to say me, hell they prolly have my vent and complaining tags blocked i'm sure, but i feel left to rot and seethe until i fucking hate them. and then i feel bad about it, cuz i don't want to, but i'm so tired of feeling this way every few months. it makes me wish i were dead because i don't see any point in going on if no one genuinely cares if i'm in pain or not. not even a simple "hey im sorry you're going through this but i care". i get ignored. and i feel like it reflects my worth to them.

and rn i can't blame myself for feeling so angry about it too when i feel like i'm bleeding out with their backs turned to me. and maybe that's dramatic but i'm not exactly rational right now anyways so.

and later on i prolly won't blame them or anything, i know this is all because my mental health is bad and my brain tortures me using them against me, but when it happens so often and i feel like i'm finally getting better only for something random to set me off into wanting to stop existing again i'm like, well what's the fucking point??

would they even cry about me for that long? would me leaving leave any impact longer than a week? a month? would they regret not taking every chance i gave them to engage with me? did i deserve their time at all anyways? am i selfish for interpreting continual silence as dismissal?

this applies to literally everything but i cannot blame myself for not knowing how people think when they don't tell me. i can't know if anyone likes my art if they don't like it or reblog it or tell me. i can't know that you told your friends you really enjoyed a post on my blog if that's the only people you told.

and obviously that extends to me, too, how can they know i'm slowly resenting them if i dont say something? but isn't that so cruel of me to mention? isn't it so mean of me to make them feel bad for doing harmless things that just so happen to be used as ammo against me because of my own problems by my own brain? should i just stop making friends? where do i give up here? where do i work on it?

honestly i'd love advice, idk how to cope like this. everything online just says therapy but that's not an option for me. im trying so hard to practice mindfulness and challenging the thoughts but they seem so right and like there's so much "proof". "oh you did all this for your friend but they never did it back but look now they're doing it with this new friend! and it's not the first time either, how many times will you assume you mean as much to them as they do to you."

i wish i wasnt struggling alone. even tho i know i'd just think they're lying if they ever reached out to me at least i would remember they tried when i started to come out of this ditch. but no one wants to try with me anymore, and it's my fault.

[thefemeleon]

hello radblr i hate to sound stupid on this website but i need genuine advice/opinions from actually women and lesbians and this feels like the only place to get that lol.

TLDR: i babble on about experiences that make me wonder if im a deeply traumatized lesbian or just disappointed in being bisexual

for context i am a detrans gnc woman and the word i would use to describe my experience at the moment is bisexual.

now here’s the part where i talk about my experiences. please be honest, if i am just bisexual, i am just bisexual. but i do want to get a kind of consensus i guess. i hate being bisexual, genuinely. i have a strong internal bias against bisexuality that i just can’t seem to shake. i wish i was only attracted to females, but im not and that pisses me off so bad. as a kid i had few crushes on boys but it did happen. i’ve always had ssa though, it’s been prevalent my whole life. in hindsight looking back i wonder if i struggle to understand the difference between platonic and romantic attraction, specifically when it comes to how it can differ with sex. i have autism, and it makes it extremely difficult for me to identify and differentiate what im feeling. I’ve had “crushes” on men, but i can’t help but wonder if it’s more the happiness i get from male friendships, from the validation. when i’ve dated men, i feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled, often finding myself thinking we would be much better as friends. i hate having sex with males as well, it’s a chore to me and tends to be painful. i usually just endure for the sake of my male partners. the annoying part to me is that i believe i am sexually attracted to men (in theory i guess), i just don’t like having sex with them. maybe i haven’t found the “right man” or whatever. i have experienced a lot of sexual trauma at the hands of men and i can’t help but wonder if that’s shaped my sexuality today. ive dated women before, and it was better, except for my failing mental health at those times. i want so badly to be with a woman, to be in a relationship with someone i can understand and who can understand me. not only to escape misogyny (which is a big reason i don’t like to date men), but i also just find women more attractive. i like having sex with women, it doesn’t hurt and it’s fun, something i look forward to doing. i’m in a relationship with a man but i plan on ending it. i just refuse to settle for something that doesn’t benefit me, no matter how good he is as a person.

that was all a very roundabout way of saying i’m not sure anymore about the nature of my sexuality. there’s so many factors, so i’m reaching out to the radfems for advice. i apologize about this being TMI, but i felt like all the context is necessary lol. feel free to reblog, i want more reach than i have currently. i’m also happy to elaborate more.