#my autism is making me listen to this nonstop

[brokenbaguette]

I haven’t made a Tumblr post in a few years… so here’s this cause it’s good and I think I’m addicted to it

[thenightisland]

in various conversations with my doctor about the insane life changing effect adhd meds have had on me one of the things he said was that it's not uncommon for people who have dysthymia/pervasive depressive disorder to have undiagnosed adhd at the root of the problem. and i think we forget that like. major depressive disorder is supposed to be something that eventually stops. it's episodic. like even people with depression very often are not in a state where it's just like. every day is a misery virtually nonstop for 15+ years. but with dysthymia/pdd it very much so is. which you can have pdd and mdd both at the same time too which is evil but anyway. it is wild enough conceptualizing that there is in fact a difference between the two things bc i very much so got depressed around age ten and just. never stopped. and when you live like that for the bulk of your life you just sort of get used to it? like it sucks but you just assume a degree of that is normal. so even on several antidepressants i never once aimed for "not depressed" i was always aiming for "mildly less miserable" i had just accepted that i would always be a degree of miserable and that my default was going to be feeling bad and if i was very lucky there might be a few days where i felt a little less bad now and then. the goal was "bearable misery" which is nuts to type out like wow! bleak!

anyway something i noticed when they started me on the adhd meds was that all the Racket in my head just. stopped. for weeks i just said to people "it's so quiet in there" because i didn't have dozens of loud competing fast thoughts all the time. and it took a while to pin down why this effect made me less depressed and worked better than literally any antidepressant had. and it's bc it /stopped thoughts/ and when i was depressed the Thoughts did not stop and they were not pleasant ones so i'd get stuck in these awful mental doom spirals and nothing i did would make it stop. and then this medicine made it stop. and it turns out it's much easier to not be sad when your brain doesn't have the Sad Channel turned up to high volume and is forcing you to deal with it clockwork-orange style. bc historically it was like oh god do we really have to do this again do we have to listen to the you will always be alone and unloved and nothing you do will ever be enough and your life will never be fulfilling in any way spiral again?? do we really have to i'm so tired. but now that channel is muted. a lot of channels have been muted. no amount of cbt/dbt techniques or various other therapy tactics had ever managed to mute those channels before.

and it's just insane it's like the thing about how stunned people with chronic pain are to learn that the normal amount of pain for someone to experience on an average day is none. it's just that but emotionally. bc even with the challenges i still have for autism reasons, most days now i'm fine. the emotional pain is zero on an average day. i now understand what people mean when they say "i'm having a bad day" bc there's a difference. but you see. all my days used to be bad. all of them. even the "good" days involved a degree of visceral emotional suffering and dread. and you don't realize how pervasive the bad is until the bad is the exception and not just an ordinary day.

i do not sit around consumed by the same thought patterns and doom spirals and mental quicksand now i'm just going about my day like an ordinary person and it's amazing how much less life /hurts/ and that's the only way i can think to put it is that every day used to hurt and it doesn't hurt now. past-me was incapable of conceptualizing a life where my baseline wasn't "profoundly and painfully sad and aching at all times" i was 100% prepared to just live like that forever!!!! and now if i have a bad day that's all it is an outlier i thought people in movies were just doing a bit when they had a "bad day" and the solution was just have a big piece of cake and cry a little and go to bed early and you'll feel better tomorrow bc i never felt better tomorrow! now i just feel better tomorrow if i have a bad day! most days the emotional pain scale is a 0/10.

like this is so long already but those of you who have been around for a long time you know how nuts this is for me. and i'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason even bad things and for a few years i've been like huh wonder what the reason is for the whole getting beaten in the head thing though. well. it exacerbated the working memory issues. and it got on my goddamn nerves. so i asked to try this medicine so i could remember to get my soup out of the microwave. and then it fixed all the problems that have plagued me since i was a small child. and now i'm able to conceptualize a day to day life that isn't just Hurting all the time when i once thought i would never do anything but hurt.

[mcschnuggles]

Hello again !!

I think I mentioned this in my last ask, and I meant to send this sooner but got anxious haha

I like the idea of Steven, who struggles letting people know that he’s little (and combined with that good old autism), goes through shutdowns that he tries to hide from the Elite Four + Wallace (and/or Cynthia because big sis Cynthy went in my head oops).

Basically that “wow today’s been a whole lot of everything, and I’m three seconds away from hiding in a closet and bursting out crying. I’m gonna shove all of that down into my chest until something or myself explodes.” And then he explodes and everything hurts and his brain is scattered and all he can do is cry. The Four find him eventually, and look after him in their own ways, doing their best to calm him down.

TLDR little man who struggles with letting people in is thrust into a situation where he lets people in and it turns out okay!

Hi sorry about the late response!! I was really going thru it yesterday and didn't have the energy to answer asks. I hope it didn't make you more anxious because I love this idea so much!!

Steven absolutely reads to me like a guy who bottles things up until he's at his breaking point, I agree 100%. Facing challengers nonstop would take its toll, especially on days where he's already not feeling the best. It's hard to anticipate what kind of team his opponents would challenge him with and that uncertainty can really mess with him

Drake has grandpa energy, the kind of guy who just lets you quietly sit in his lap and sleep. Sidney and Phoebe are the more playful of the bunch and they have to be reined in quite a bit when Steven's feeling overwhelmed. Glacia is the best at making him feel calm, after Wallace of course, but there are times where Wallace can't be there, especially not right away. She'll put on some old records and they can sit quietly together and listen. It really gives Steven a fondness for older music!

They all wanna take care of him soooo bad but he never lets them until he's in crisis mode. Even then, sometimes he just wants to hide until it all blows over instead because he feels like that's what he HAS to do. I feel like Wallace would have to cajole him so hard into having just a casual tiny day with the E4, and that it would take a while for him to get comfortable enough to really play. Give Phoebe and Sidney their times to shine :>

[unethicallypleistocene]

hello, me again :) seems like summer is kicking ur ass. i would feed u summer fruits myself but since i can’t, eat them for me? 🥺 but no you’re not ending anything (asks or otherwise) on a depressing note, not on my watch. so! answer some more: 3, 12, 17, 27, 30. also, i love ur ask box title. truly feels like i’m dropping a letter for a dear friend

P.S: thank u for ur unwavering support of my holmesposting & denethorposting! 💕💕 i hope u know that i’m the same w ur cherikposting + can’t deny that they’re v amusing & so is ur commentary on them lolll

aaaaaah I am smooching you platonically!! I actually like summer quite a bit more than winter, but I suppose I have a good amount of Dread coloring my experience. Rest assured that I am consuming summer fruits at maximum velocity! Just this morning I horked down an unadvisable amount of mango (although there really isn't an amount of mango that's unadvisable besides. none) and I hope you're doing the same!! The horrors persist but so does fruit. And thank you for complimenting my ask box! I quite like it too, I really wish I had a similar cozy-looking mailbox irl that was full of the lovely messages from friends I have here! Also: ofc I will always be rooting for your holmesposting and denethorposting! Recently I've been debating whether I prefer holmes/watson as a qpr or a romantic relationship (both. both is good. they might be in a sam/frodo situation here). Thank youuuu for supporting my cherikposting as always! They're so silly and I hate them but that's why they're special to me <333

also. me learning you read my cherik commentary and find it amusing:

On to the actual questions!!

3. What are some of your pet peeves?

Time to get meta with it: when people ask for my pet peeves. I'm never able to come up with something Normal so either I say something actually true that's kind of niche and end up getting weird stares, or I panic and just make something up that's not true and end up spending time feeling bad for lying even though, really, who cares. My autism's kryptonite: pet peeve questions.

12. Something you want to monologue about?

Since I'm still in cherik prison, it looks like there's only one option. Sigh. There's something really tragic about ideology, especially ideologies that are more-or-less aligned, tearing people apart. When an ideology has the power to interfere with a (GAY) relationship, it thereby cements itself as a part of the self. It's more than identity, it's more than a motivator, it forces characters to become figureheads. Of course this is obvious for Charles and Erik specifically, that's been their purpose in the comics since the 60s (and this is especially important in the symbolism/allegory heavy world of x-men comics). Unfortunately for me, I just think their conflict is so much more interesting when they're actually together! They're constantly forced to deal with the cognitive dissonance of the most important person in their lives representing an obstacle to their deepest beliefs. And that's fascinating! I don't think they have to constantly be at the brink of divorce to be at odds, either. From my perspective, they probably increasingly like each other the more they fight, those absolute freaks.

17. Space, enchanted forest, magical kingdom, or underwater city?

Enchanted forest! Let me be an ent!! Let me shepherd the trees!!!

27. What fascinates you about humanity?

A passion for knowledge (of any kind!). People can spend decades studying a single topic, people can spend hours upon hours writing nonstop about a character. That love is so mysterious and beautiful to me.

30. What is your favourite way to create?

I love brainstorming writing ideas by listening to music. If someone opened my brain during my near-daily music session they'd find cumulative hours of animatic-style storyboarded narratives mapped onto songs. I know other people do this too, which makes me SO happy.

[swampndn]

Time for a lil rant.

I have spent the past 5 days trying to break up with a man I WASN'T EVEN DATING. I never fucked him. I never said I wanted to date him. I quite literally said the opposite, but alas, once again, a cishet man didn't listen.

But what I want to rant about it that tonight he kept going on and on about how he wanted to keep pursuing me because he felt like I brought out the best in him.

That is what I'm fucking mad about.

I detailed how we are not compatible (because me saying no wasn't enough), but literally, on paper? Not at all. He made comments about being sad how I work so much and can't talk to him that often. It's clear that he wants someone who comes home every night with a normal people schedule. That's not me and never will be me. We have some value misalignment. There's a lot he needs to learn, and I educate people for a living. I'm not doing it for free for some man. There's many, MANY reasons.

But also that man has not asked a single question about me in the month he's been talking to me. I've even said that to him, and he's responded with I'm better at asking questions than he is. That man could have literally asked me any of the ones I asked him, but no. He also doesn't even remember the little bit I have told him. He doesn't understand my job. All he has done was tell me that I'm pretty and ivy league smart then yap about whatever. He has talked nonstop to me about all his shit that I know so much about him, so much so that I know for a fact that we wouldn't work out (if I even wanted to pursue that). He has been saying how much he likes me blah blah blah, and I've said, to his face, that he doesn't even know me.

This has been a repeat issue I've dealt with. (Mainly) men get so obsessed with me so fast because I ask them questions, listen, don't talk much (Autism and because I'm not comfortable), and I'm attractive. All that makes them feel good, and that's what they're focused on. That's what they care about. Not me. Hell, barely even the idea of me.

Now here we have this man who QUITE LITERALLY said that I make him feel good, so he's been trying to fight to stay. Even after I broke down all the reasons, he LITERALLY SAID "but I feel so good with you". DUDE. I DO NOT FEEL GOOD. DOESN'T THAT MATTER?!!? I'm getting nothing out of this. No intellectual stimulation. No emotional intelligence. Not even a vague interest in what I'm about. Nothing. He just wants me to make him feel special, fuck him, and become his little wife. (Don't worry. I finally blocked him on everything tonight, so he shouldn't be a problem anymore.)

But I'm just like why does this keep happening??? Truly it's fucking rizzin them with the 'tism to the utmost degree. But I'm just like how in the fucking world am I supposed to finally feel comfortable with anyone when this always happens? And I'm not kidding. This situation has happened every single time, my entire life.

I'd just like to experience some interest that's genuinely because of who I am, not because of how I make someone else feel or what I do for them.

[brynnterpretations]

Hiii I loved how you wrote my oc Barry’s relationship with homelander 😭 now I gotta see who you’d ship me with 👀 I hope you get to this when you feel better, thank you

I’m a 23 year old bisexual 5ft3 mixed trans guy, I have curly brown hair, glasses, usually dressed comfortably/casually. Im a Taurus and an infp. I’m pretty shy with people at first but eventually I do love to talk, I’m very passive, and love to bottle up all my negative emotions, I’m reluctant to let my walls down. My sense of humor is pretty dumb offensive and immature, I’m described as weird (some of it’s the autism) funny and I love making people laugh. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac who can turn into a scaredy cat. I like drawing and writing, I aspire to be a novelist. I love listening to music and going on walks. My favorite food is french fries. My favorite movies tend to be action/horror/comedy, I like all music but favorite music genres are rock and pop, i love musicals. I like dogs (and all animals) but I like cats more, though I’m allergic to cats, I bear through the pain. My love language is food and physical touch. My pet peeves are loud people, being interrupted, having my boundaries invaded.

I lean toward annie, hughie and butcher but I’m up for anyone 🤔

I ship you with...

Annie January ♡

Girlfriend

GIF Source: @humorblr ★ (link)

You and Annie meet at the nearby Jitter Bean after you ordered your drink of choice and sat down to write and sketch. Annie had exactly three hours and eight minutes to kill before a press conference, so she ordered an iced caramel latte, intending to read her latest romance novel (she's the #1 Sally Rooney fan after M.M. introduced her work to Annie) and avoid eye contact with anyone who might know who she was.

But, then... she spots you. And, let's be real: you're her exact type physically (and emotionally, but we'll get to that later). Curly hair? Check. Comfy clothes? Check. Thoughtful demeanor? Check.

So: she thinks you're really, really cute, and running off of very little sleep for a Supe, Annie takes a seat next to you and sparks up a conversation about what you're working on.

Whether you're guarded or open about it, Annie listens intensely and doesn't pry, and it eventually leads to you bonding over a shared love of music: Annie is a huge pop-punk fan, and with your interests in rock and punk, you all have a lot of intersection.

Once you reach a comfortable end of the conversation, Annie gives you her number for "workshopping purposes".

You guys text nonstop over the course of two weeks before Annie takes the initiative to ask you out on a date after you talk about her career as Starlight. She really, really worries that it's a dealbreaker for any romantic suitors — nobody wants to be under scrutiny 24/7 and have to regurgitate Ashley's PR lines when the news breaks of a "hot new couple" — but trusts you when you reassure it's not an issue.

Annie invites you out on your first date to go on a wak at High Line Park, and it's a breath of fresh air: both figuratively and literally. The fall weather is beautiful, and you're one of the first few people since her induction into the Seven to treat her like a person and not some Christian, all-American poster kid.

Annie tries to avoid too casual of dates in the pre-relationship period, so, over the course of two months, puts a lot of effort into them, even if they're more chill than others, such as going to your favorite restaurant, surveying art museums, going to Jitter Bean and drawing together (which she is phenomenally bad at, but you reassure her enough that she gains enough confidence to do more than a stick figure, so bless your soul), and going out to the movies, where you two always fight over who will pay. She's got that Vought money, bro.

She empathizes with your resistance to your walls being broken down, and doesn't push as hard as Frenchie might have, but does still inquire about your life, any negative feelings you're having, etc. It's when you open up over a late-night text conversation, Annie realizes just how much she likes (loves?) you, and asks if you'd like to be together.

And, when you are...

You are being paraded around NYC, even with Annie's objections. Sorry. Ashley really is pushing for more positive press regarding Supe-civilian relations, and you two have become her cash cow.

Both you and Annie love food, but she has a more negative relationship with it due to her mother—and it being your love language genuinely helps her heal from that. She starts a pretty average cook, but she learns to improve for you, and by the six-month can make your favorite meal pretty decently.

She did accidentally set her stove alight once, though, but we won't talk about that.

And, on that note, you know how the singer Lorde had an account dedicated to rating onion rings? You and Annie share a foodie account dedicated to specifically rating French fries, as she is a huge fan of French fries and potatoes in general (me too, girl). It's great and honestly really cute, though you did disagree with the quality of the fries up in Manhattan.

Annie loves your sense of humor: it's like a healthy balance between Butcher and Hughie, with a lot less cruelty coming from Butcher's side, and due to her entire life basically being a PR-sanitization, admires how much you can commit to the bit and just say whatever.

Annie has a lot of experience with hypochondria, as her mother is a hypochondriac, too, and Annie helped her manage the worries and anxieties that come from it. She's always there for you whenever your anxiety spikes up, and also does things that reassure you: making sure it's obvious she washes her hands before preparing you food, keeping medicine on stock, even buying you fancy supplement pills that ward off sickness which she takes to stay on her A-game as a Supe, etc.

Since you aspire to be a novelist, she always encourages you to share your ideas with her, while also being respectful of your boundaries. Her ventures into books were very recent (she just hadn't really had the time for them before) so she loves hearing your opinions on novels, your writing process, and so on and so forth.

You two are both very fond of animals — Annie actually spends her Saturdays in civ-clothes volunteering at Animal Care Centers of NYC. Once you've both already had very extensive (but theoretical) conversations on your ability and willingness to adopt an animal, she adopts you a Siberian cat for your one-year anniversary due to their hypoallergenic nature.

And, lastly, a very cute last side note: she says I love you after your one month anniversary, and immediately feels terrified that she opened up too late. One amazing, sweet kiss from you, and she knew she didn't.

The Boys ☻

Friends

GIF Source: @minilev ★ (link)

Annie is very hesitant to introduce you to the Boys. While she trusts you and is as transparent as possible with you about her work, she doesn't want it to somehow get you into more trouble than it's worth.

However, about four months into your relationship, she decides it's about time. Hughie, who she remained in a purely platonic relationship with, really wanted to meet you, and everybody else was pretty curious about who was making her so happy—really, since you two became official, she was visibly more happy in the safe-house.

On an off-day where everyone was just doing paperwork, she brought you in, introducing you by your name and your relationship status. Everyone was pretty polite, barring Butcher ("oi there, cunt"—OK, dude), with you and Hughie probably being the ones to talk the most, though it was a tad awkward due to your communication styles.

However, as Annie said you could come around as much as you'd like when there wasn't any imminent danger, you became good friends with the lot.

Kimiko and Frenchie really, really like you; Frenchie loves that you write, being an incredible writer himself, and Kimiko loves that you draw, being an incredible artist herself. The second or third time you come into the office, you three stay up until 3 A.M. talking about books, art, and movies.

You hang out with them the most of the boys because of your aligning interests and Frenchie's ability to keep a conversation flowing with little awkwardness. With you, Kimiko, and Frenchie, it's mostly in the safehouse, but it's so enjoyable and laidback that nobody can complain.

You, Kimiko, and Annie actually go out to cheap take-out restaurants every two weeks or so (Frenchie excluded not for any animosity, but just because Annie talks to Kimiko a lot more), and it's pretty fun, though Kimiko did get insane food poisoning for a Supe once and swore off the ventures for two months (RIP).

Butcher likes you a lot, despite your relationship with Annie. Honestly, if it weren't for your humor, he probably would've been more hostile to you, but he senses you're a chill guy and likes that you can banter. He invites you out for drinks every so often, and while they do end up in both of you throwing up in the bathroom, they tend to be decently fun.

Also, you got to see him do an offensively bad karaoke rendition of "Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol and subsequently be drunkenly threatened to never share that with anybody else, so... that's got it's perks. Not a lot of people have seen that, friend.

You told Annie, though. You also video-taped it. Then, you showed that to Annie. She will never tell Billy for your sake, but every time he gives her grief, she thanks God she witnessed him doing a borderline worm-move to the chorus.

You and Hughie get along, but can have some stilted conversations due to you both being pretty nervous and shy. You know when you're talking to someone who's also neurodivergent, and you really like them, but you can't get a flow in the conversation without being worried you're being too loud, obnoxious, etc.? That's y'all.

However, when you keep coming around consistently, that eases up a lot. While Hughie doesn't share too many interests with you, you talk about your own interests in a way that he can actually understand, and even get him into one single horror movie when he hates horror movies. Consider yourselfa. saint.

Lastly, M.M.: he likes you, but doesn't talk to you too much due to how busy (and pleasantly introverted) he is. It isn't until he sees a copy of a book you were carrying which he loved that he starts talking to you more than small talk, but he still considers you a friend, even if you guys aren't buddy-buddy.

And, when all the boys like you? That's a pretty difficult feat. Congratulations.

[chaisshitposts]

EYELASHES/🍓 ANON POPS UP RANDOMLY

Here is a little detox questions for you because you deserve it for the hard work 😔✨

1. OOOO your MBTI?

2. What's your favorite season? Like a season that makes you melt in bed 🏃🏃🏃 (only me?)

3. Favorite singer? And their favorite song?

4. ANY FUNNY SCENARIO HAPPENED THAT IS STILL IN YOUR MIND?

5. If you had the ability to posses one power, what will it be? 😗🧐

6. Do fishes have thirst for water 🧍

(yes that last one was random and had me thinking nonstop like wtf do fishes drink water orrr-)

ANYWAYS LOVE U AND TAKE CARE, YOU DESERVE THE WORLD

aw :( ty 🍓 !!! you're v sweet, these are some fun lil' questions :D ya should tell me yer own answers if ya get the chance, I'm curious !!!

1- I honestly have no idea 😭 I took the test a couple times before bc I kept forgetting cause all those letters are hard to remember and I still don't remember!!! heh im sorry 👉👈

2- melt in bed... that sounds so funny 💀 I'm a fan of winter!!!!!! I love the chrimuth decorations and the cold weather bc I like to get all warm and toasty, plus I like to wear the sweaters I crochet/knit throughout the year

3- favorite singer... That's a hard one indeed 🤔 I listen to all types of music that makes my brain go brrr especially music with lots and lots of bass, I think my favorite type has to be hard metal screamo rap music simply because headbangin' is somethin' I do to stim when I'm overwhelmed with hefty emotions. 🧍 my favorite song that I'm currently hyperfixatin' on though is 'I love you hoe' by odetari & 9lives, I don't care for the lyrics but I really enjoy the 'spacey' feelin' I get when I listen to it... Kinda like that one song where people had this belief that it made people do their homework faster I think it was somethin' like... 'i can run faster with no wind resistance' or something, but the beat was so wiggly I have to find that song again... I JUST LOOKED IT UP-- the song is literally called 'no wind resistance' holy shit 😭

4- sigh... for some reason, I can't keep myself from laughin' when I hear someone pourin' liquid??? I used to have a thermos (I need to buy a new one) that I would fill with hot black/green tea and then whenever id pour the tea into the lil' cup I would giggle hysterically like some crazy person 😭 I think it's hereditary however, cause this morning I was drinkin' coffee near my mom and I have a tendency to 'slurp' from my mug and she kept gigglin' when I would slurp from it 😭 she also laughs when things are poured. the autism is strong in the family ngl. I even laughed RN at the memory of pourin' a cup of tea ._.

5- oh ya already know I'm gonna have my mailtda powers manifested soon 🧍 I'm talkin' telepathy, spell castin', teleportation, levitation, all that shit, but I do not want the ability to mind read bc that does not sound fun. hmm... pyrokinesis could be fun too

6- you'll have to ask 🐠 anon for that one 💀 bUt!!! I did learn a terrible fact today about dolphins! did y'know that dolphins terrorize pufferfish so that they can get high off the chemical that the pufferfish release in defense of predators? they throw the pufferfish around with the use of their teeth and stuff, tossin' them up and around, even above water, and then they like know when they need to stop gettin' high before the chemicals become lethal. there's enough poison in one pufferfish to kill 30 human adults but dolphins just love gettin' fuckin' HIGH!

im sorry for the ramblin' but if there's one thing to be told about me... I talk way too fuckin' much despite bein' an ambivert with a heavy lean towards bein' an introvert 🧍

[beastenraged]

The AUTISM (my experience)

I’ve spent more of my life aware of my autism than not aware of it, at this point. 

I got my diagnosis the winter before my freshman year of high school and it was extremely exciting for myself.

For the first time in my life, I knew why it was so hard to talk to people, why I loved reading so much, why various objects were so noisy and loud and bad to touch at times. (Why no one wanted to be my friend.) 

As part of that experience, I was on the high of self-awareness. I wanted to tell my friends and for a few, I did. I wanted EVERYONE to know, I am autistic!

Only for that to not...go so great. 

People said stuff like “You don’t seem autistic.” Every bit of their tone and words implied that autism was a Bad Thing, even to an individual less than savvy about social interaction such as me. 

I tried to explain. I tried to say, “Well, that’s not true, I’ve just been working very hard to fit in.” “Don’t you know what it means to have autism, this is what it means-”

But no one wanted to listen. People have their own ideas of what autism is, you see. A teenage girl that read all the time in the back of the class, getting good grades on everything, and didn’t keep up on the latest gossip, doesn’t fit into those ideas. 

Ideas I’m going to touch on, just you wait. 

I’ve spent a heavy amount of my time in school, before and after my Revelation, being jealous of Autistic Boys TM. 

The ‘boys’ is the important part, you see. They fit in every autistic stereotype almost perfectly. They talk nonstop about topics most people don’t even care about, like trains and planes and bugs and elevators. They’re louder than usual. They fall into very noticeable meltdowns when it’s too loud, too bright. They punch people, even, in the more extreme cases. 

But people smiled at them in school. Nodded and pretended to listen in ways they never did with me. Never told them they were wrong for existing. And I envied these boys for that. 

Because they’re allowed, you see. They’re allowed to be obnoxious and unable to fit in, because they have autism, you got it? How terrible that these boys have autism, they’ll never be able to have normal lives! 

They’re allowed to exist as they are, because they’re pitied for it. 

The first thing to learn, having autism: that you’re only allowed to be autistic if you’re pitiable.

That’s what people assume, if you learn later than usual that you’re autistic, that you’re looking for pity. 

When in reality you’re looking for understanding. For a reason, no matter how terrible, your life has been the way it has up to this point. And beyond. 

Only children have autism, don’t you get it? Small pitiable creatures that have no control over their lives. Autistic children never grow up, in the minds of the public. 

But where does that leave the rest of us?

Where does that leave me?

Well. Getting angry, I guess. Anger burning through my veins and heart. 

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to figure out how to function in a world that isn't made for me. Done things like studying how social interactions work, take in as much nerd culture as possible so I could talk to said nerds about anything they wanted to, practiced work interviewing over and over. So many small pieces for the mask the world wants to see. 

Only for it not to matter. Not really. 

There’s always going to be a person that just gets it, understands the interviewers down to the base level, in a way that I would have to study for years to comprehend. Who gets picked because of that, nevermind how hard I worked for the same. 

Sometimes I ask for help, and it only ends up in being treated like an infant. 

So much of my life makes me angry at its unfairness. At how I feel like I have to lie about who I am for anyone to accept me, for me to do anything.  

And lying, as they say, is a thing autistics hate.

But it’s not always like that. There are people that want me to work as I am, who are very happy at my neurodivergent ability to just do the same thing over and over without getting extremely bored with it. 

People who tell me that they’re happy that I’m sharing my experiences, that there’s someone else out there who’s autistic like they are. 

People who fight to get more studies on how autism works in the brain, how it shows up in people outside those Autistic Boys TM. 

The world’s already better when it comes to information on autism than it was when I was younger, and it was better then than it was for my dad before me. 

So.

I am Autistic and proud of it. 

I hope you can be proud too. 

[insidejizz]

reagan ridley headcanons!

heyyyy its me again im here to write about the girl of all time reagan - this is SO self indulgent and also a lot longer than i thought it would end up being so im putting it under the cut for ease of everything ! no nsfw here though a small amount of body talk !

once again a reminder that REQUESTS ARE OPEN FOR BOTH ART AND WRITING !

// i think that reagan had a really hard time coming to terms with the idea that she is/could be autistic and still. struggles to accept it at times

she definitely took the raads-r test at one point and got a crazy high number like 189 

(for those that dont know the raads-r goes from like 0-224, and anything over 60 constitutes reasonable autism)

and after she got such a high score on that she had a classic #reaganmoment and stayed up all night taking as many other tests as she could find to "collect more data"

i mean its. hard enough to realize youre autistic much less 1) so late in life and 2) when everyone is constantly making it a joke . like i really do think shed be adverse to the idea for so long because it was always used as a "haha reagans weird" punchline and so

(she doesn't want to prove to rand and tamiko that they were right about something being off about her)

obviously everyone around her is. very aware of her autism and has been finding ways to deal with it for years but she doesn't know what to do about it at all after her night of testing

because yeah the test results SAY that its very very likely shes autistic but maybe she answered the questions wrong or something 

ab has to listen to her pace back and forth for hours about this and he is no help mostly because hes realizing he has autism everytime she states a symptom

obviously her special interest is science and robotics, that's pretty goddamn obvious . you could even argue her job is a special interest with how much time she spends nonstop thinking about it

the amount shed have to unmask is INSANNEEEEEE im just saying . shed have to unlearn 30 years of petty comments making her cover up all her autistic traits

i dont think shes someone who would openly stim, or at least in 'classic' ways

her stimming usually is like ;

pacing

chewing on pens + pencils

tapping pens + pencils

pressing keys on her keyboard over and over

wiggling her fingers 

// also reagans basically schroedingers jew

i say this because shes not "technically" jewish as in her family is not jewish but i believe that jr made her very active in his jewishness and so she was essentially raised jewish by her godfather

like. jr would have definitely thrown her an INSNAE bat mitzvah and you can't change my mind. he wouldve insisted on it

especially because i feel like reagan wouldnt like her birthday, both bc of the memories weve Seen of them and what we know about her family i just think she/ prefers to not think about them

but she was turning 13 and jr was like no you are going to be the biggest princess for a whole day everythings going to be about you

because he definitely went ALL OUT

i dont know what passage she would choose to read bc im not super well versed in torah but

the party ???? mans spared no expense but it was also very . reagan

like idk i feel like hed pull off some crazy robot-themed bat mitzvah or whatever she wanted at age 13

like she would have just graduated MIT at that point!!!!!! i think she deserves a baller party

anyway i dont think that a lot of people. came to the party (that werent cognito employees) but that didnt really matter

because jr spent the entire night there with reagan just giving her the best night he could (JR DAD MOMENTS JR DAD MOMENTS) 

like i bet they did a goofy ass 'father'-daughter dance and he was like woah youre getting so tall now youre almost as big as me and shes like well im officially a woman now! and he just starts crying GHEOIGJSEOIES

also more casual jewishness than just that like . 

she thinks fondly on being able to ask the questions at the passover seder (though as a kid she thought they were stupid bc why ask the same questions every year we already know the answer)

and there was one point where they were observing shabbat but they werent at home so they had to like . go and buy a loaf of bread and they used jrs handkerchief as the challah cover and stuff and she used some stuff to make little robot candles because they didnt have real ones and it wasnt a kosher shabbat but it was certainly one that was from the heart and HGHhgehesughshges

having jr pick her up so she could kiss the mezuzah when they went inside his place

hgheshgiehjsg listen i could go for hours.

so like yes she is jewish. she celebrates hanukkah every year and has a collection of menorahs that jr has gotten her (and shes gotten herself) over the years

but she also wouldnt say shes jewish bc shed feel weird about it 

i think shes definitely considered converting but never gotten around to it simply on terms of No Fucking Time

at least a year of study ? taking time off for the holidays ? hahahahahahaha whos schedule would that even fit into lol

so like if someone were to ask if she was jewish she would say " i was raised jewish by my godfather" and if anyone decides to question more then it gets Complicated lmao

// CHUBBY REAGAN CHUBBY REAGAN CHUBBY REA

listen. i refuse to believe she would be self conscious about being 140 pounds theres no reason for her to think thats fat and so i think that brett was guessing (bc he can lift massively and so weight means nothing to him) and she panicked and was like "MY STATIONARY BIKE IS BROKEN." bc chubby

also she has a desk job, basically exclusively eats junk food and drinks, lounges around every chance she gets

i truly believe that reagan is pudgy. i think that she hides it under that lab coat and she should STOP hiding it <3<3<3

reagan with stretch marks? reagan with stretch marks

also she deserves bigger tits and she has them bc shes chubby<3

she would also have a bit of a tummy and bigger thighs but i dont think shes particularly well endowed in the ass department

like its not bad! but she doesnt have a Great ass

like a lot of things about herself she isnt exactly happy with it but shes so squishy and perfect to grab and shit so<3

// another tangent but reagan is. very picky about the type of music allowed around the office 

like she has approved playlists for all of the group whenever they r allowed the aux 

myc is usually not allowed the aux bc he has INSANE music taste. ykno the sounds mushrooms make when you hook them up to electricity or whatever? its essentially 4 hours of that with cupcakkke mixed in

most of the time its background noise for her, so she doesnt like music being too loud

shes essentially like a dad with the ac the way she is abt the music volume lol like WHO TURNED IT UP WE KEEP THE VOLUME AT 72. 

she doesnt listen to music in her lab really, and when she does its either the most depressing shit youve ever heard or like. music she remembers from her childhood like nsync and britney spears and shit

this means shes also not allowed the aux . too much midwest emo bums everyone else out

when it comes to CHRISTMAS MUSIC? she is like 10x as bad

she has a playlist of "reagan approved christmas music" that she made herself that is exclusively the least annoying christmas songs

except she also can only stand that playlist for like 20 minutes

overall she just fuckin hates christmas music. its all love and sunshine and family and friendship and shes essentially scrooge 

its pretty hard to find a christmas song that she can stand but there are a few! white winter hymnal and carol of the bells are her favorites if she had to choose a christmas song.

honestly i would apologize for how self indulgent this is but I dont want to because I'm proud of it <3 love her so much and PLEASE drop requests if you have any !!!!!!!!!!

[angelicpersonals]

Asexuality, Autism, Friendship, Rant

So tell me something am I crazy or does this smell like acephobia? Being told "Kinks are inherently sexual" when you explain your kinks are not and you dont feel any sexual attraction or desire period. Being told "Well I used to think I was asexual but I was just traumatized" constantly in a convo (felt like they were trying to convince me I wasn't. Same convo)

Being told I'm "vanilla" and "boring" or comparing me to a child's maturity for my kinks and sexuality. (again same convo)

Told me they "Walk on eggshells" and that they have to "suppress themselves" JUST because I don't want to listen to peoples s*x life or see full nudity NSFW content.

Literally why do a**holes like this

act like s*x is the ONLY topic in the world to talk about and is some personality trait rather than an act people do for pleasure / fun / love?

Act like ONE person not wanting that overly explicit TMI sh*t in DMS or in the servers THEY RUN means they are being oppressed? Like you don't know how it is having to FIGHT for the right to your boundaries EVERY DAY, JUST because you're asexual and people unsolicited try to force you into things that violate your boundaries then turn you into the bad guy for having them.. when people try to CHANGE your sexuality or erase it because THEY dont think you are because THEY decided this thing or that is sexual and refuse to listen to how its different for YOU. You who should know yourself better than anyone else.

What AM I fine with 1. Tasteful nudity in my servers this mean privates covered like BG3 censors.

2. Sexual jokes in my servers

3. Semi-NSFW jokes in Dms

4. talks about sexuality, even if it might include some talk about s*x if its for the purpose of helping someone figure themselves out ill allow it without a fuss. 5. NSFW Fanfictions

What I AM NOT fine with:

Privates in my servers or my DMS

Talk about someones s*x life in my dms or servers

Explicit talk that goes into TMI territory in my servers or dms where they talk about positions and crap they want to try or find interesting. I dont need to hear that, I dont want to know I have no need to know and its weird to try to talk about that with a friend you know for less than a year.

Other separate issues with the same friend:

Same friend: "I have autistic friends" Then proceeds to always assume sh*t, misunderstand me constantly, get upset at how I communicate, gets upset at me being "childish", patronizing, constantly acting like im a child or "too innocent for the world" Then the same friend: Makes me work my a** off for their trust because they never give a chance and are always looking for flaw, insist im out to get them by assuming im always trying to harm them over the tiniest and stupidest bullsh*t. Like reblogs.

THE SAME FRIEND: Gets in fights all the time, gets kicked from the GC turns on me angry at me for having to kick them when I had more people than I can count on both hands coming to me telling me they felt uncomfortable with the friend. (not the first time I got the complaints) friend assumes they are all out to get them. Same friend: turns and blames their actions on me publicly in that GC before they were kicked when they did it unprovoked after I went to them to just vent / advice, almost harming my friendships.

Honestly im feeling like...

Its hard to be around someone who is so quick to always snap (never apologizes for it either), comes off acephobic and makes me uncomfortable over my own sexuality, comes off inflammatory. Its tiring, draining, and exhausting like an energy vampire.

Once more incident and im honestly breaking it off because i've been patient and understanding as much as I can be. Nothing changes and crap keeps happening over and over again. I don't need yet another toxic person after I took 3 years wiping out the toxicity from my life after 20 years of pure NONSTOP sh*t from birth thanks.

[v7741]

AUTISM BRAIN REMEMBERING A PART OF A SONG I HAVENT HEARD IN MONTHS AND DONT KNOW THE NAME OF BUT REMEMBERS THE MEME IT CAME FROM AND SURGICALLY AND METHODICALLY TRACKING THE MEME DOWN TO USE SHAZAM ON IT AND THEN FINDING THE SONG AND LISTENING TO IT THIS HAPPENS FOR SONGS I HAVENT HEARD IN YEARS FROM THE RADIO BUT I STILL TRACK IT DOWN EVERY TIME MY BRAIN IS A HAUNTED JUKEBOX THAT IS ALWAYS ON SHUFFLE AND MAKES ME THINK OF SONGS ALL THE TIME IS NONSTOP GOD HELP ME ALSO NO PUNCTUATION ALL CAPS FUCK YOU IM IN A HYPER MOOD CAUSE ONCE AGAIN AUTISM BRAIN AND ALSO SINFONIA NO 94 MOVIMIENTO FUCKS HARD AAAAAAAAAAAA

[t4tdanvis]

u thought i didnt have anything else to say. but u thought WRONG i have MORE

so AHEM ONCE AGAIN

the dantes are very dumb and silly yes - but ALSO they get extremely protective of each other. if anyone tries to hurt mys dante mcd dante is pulling out his swords instantly. one time somebody tried to jump mcd dante and mys dante literally tackled them to the ground and beat the shit out of them (adrenaline is INSANE)

also, mcd dante definitely taught mys dante self-defense. mys dante had no idea how to use any sort of weapon before (gene tried to teach him how to use a gun at one point but he got Scared Freaked Out And Scared so she gave up pretty fast) but mcd dante ends up teaching him how to use a dagger properly since mys dante is more comfortable with close-ranged weapons. mcd dante also taught him how to use a sword just in case (which involved a lot of "here let me show you how to hold it (gets behind him and places hands on top of his in the most homoerotic way possible)")

also mcd dante is far more poetically romantic than mys dante. that really isnt saying much since mys dante cant say anything romantic beyond bad flirting or "i love you :)))))". mcd dante will compliment mys dantes eyes and he will just Dissolve. they sneak out at night to make out talk together and look at the stars a lot, which everyone definitely knows about (its very easy to figure out when theyre really tired all day about once a week and every time that happens the windows in their rooms are suspiciously unlocked/straight up still open) but pretends not to know so that the dantes feel like theyre doing something secretive and cool

also, mys dante loves to rant to mcd dante and mcd dante loves to listen to him. sometimes he'll rant about a video game, sometimes a tv show, sometimes a book, sometimes something funny that happened forever ago, sometimes he'll just rant about everything hes upset about and cry in mcd dantes arms for a bit. mcd dante is a lot less talkative but also occasionally goes on rants as well, which mys dante loves bc it means he gets to listen to mcd dantes voice nonstop for the next several hours

yeah uhhhh who knows if thatll be all. i have. Many Thoughts. the autism is winning

Dante selfcest rant 👀 👀

-@gendervoid-zane

im going to shove a couple (read: many) posts ive previously made about this here and then rant about it MORE bc im MENTALL ILL!!!!!

now AHEM

u see this could work with mcd dante ending up in the mys universe OR mys dante ending up in the mcd universe - or even they go back and forth between both!! either way could be very interesting and silly

with mcd dante ending up in the mys universe, it would be very funny to watch him try to figure out what the Fuck is going on bc mf has no idea what a phone or a computer is and is just so fucking confused. at first mys dante is more focused on going "hey wanna play video games!!!" to stop and process that mcd dante doesnt even know what a video game is. and then seeing mcd dantes confusion at Literally Everything he decides to sit down and try to explain things (unfortunately mys dante is Dumb - fortunately mcd dante is equally Dumb so mys dante going "this is a phone... it does... stuff.... you can call people!! idk how they made it able to do that tho dont ask me :D" is good enough for him)

on the other hand, with mys dante ending up in the mcd universe, itd be even Crazier because mys dante (who is used to having the internet and a car and big cities etc) is now stuck in the medieval era. thankfully mcd dante is here to help!! except he does a horrible job of helping bc he just goes "well im sure he'll figure everything out!" and then hands mys dante a sword - and is shocked when he ends up getting injured. mys dante doesnt mind because running around and throwing himself into danger is fun (especially when he gets to do that with a "friend" (read: boyfriend who he hasnt figured out hes dating yet))!! mys dante is also Struggling because adhd meds dont exist yet and his brain is completely fried and he can barely function until zoey figures out how to make potions thatll help. which leads to mys dante bouncing off the walls and mcd dante having to practically drag him to bed every night to get him to go to sleep, until mys dante Finally is able to function properly again

and, of course, the inherent romantic comedy of "i cant be in love with this other version of myself nope nope nope- oh god the other version of me is hot". the first time they kissed they stared at each other for a solid five minutes before mcd dante went "so uh.... yeah....." and mys dante just went "that was like... kissing myself. haha"

they are both Dumb and do not know how to function correctly around each other. they are mischievous silly little guys who cant stop getting into trouble and getting injured and doing stupid shit (but its ok bc their friends somehow keep them from getting themselves killed). and also they definitely tried to make out in a tree but ended up falling out of it and getting hurt. and at one point they tried to make out underwater and somehow didnt realize how stupid of an idea thatd be until they almost drowned. theyre gay and silly and dumb ur honor

this post was uhhhh way longer than id expected but thats ok ty for listening to me rant sorry it took a bit to type all this LOL

[comfy-whumpee]

Clare

Northlight demanded that I write this piece for April. @iaminamoodymoodtoday, @wildfaewhump, @ishouldblogmore, @lektric-whump, @that-one-thespian, @raigash, @paingeneering, @whumpywhumper

Cool spring breeze flows through an open paved plaza in the middle of a university. It’s the kind of place where people assume you are just in the middle of a difficult study period if you sit in the middle of the grass in an old coat and eat pasta with your fingers. A good spot for Northlight, without many curious eyes, especially with the book they are pretending to read in front of them.

The pasta is cold but well made, with the strange uniform flavour that food of this time often has, bland cheese and weak herbs with chunks tomato poorly integrated into the too-smooth sauce. It is quick to eat, though, and goes down easy with the paper cup of water they’ve taken from the library along with the book.

As they look out over the rest of the clearing between buildings, they notice someone else sitting on a bench. They look young, with a halo of Afro hair and their nose deep in an electronic device of some kind.

They’re swaying. Back and forth on their bench, a slight motion like reeds in a summer breeze. Like a bobbing leaf on the river of time.

Northlight licks their fingers and gets up, leaving the tub and their water on the grass. They cross the flat stones of the plaza and sit down on the fake-wood bench.

“Why are you swaying, stranger?” they ask, when the student glances their way.

The stranger has dark eyes and a shy smile. They fix their gaze on Northlight’s brow. Their voice is like old paper against fingertips. “Because it feels nice.”

Northlight feels themself tipping to the side, a longer swing than the stranger’s, like a pendulum catching itself before it touches the sides of the clock. They can’t help it. Just talking about the motion makes their stillness feel cold and heavy.

A spark lights in the stranger’s eyes as they tracked the motion. Their smile pulls into itself, but Northlight recognises it as a happy motion. “I saw you doing it on the grass.”

They nod. They try not to look too hopeful. “It feels like the world moves with a current and I have to move with it,” they offer tentatively.

Their heart sinks as they see a lack of understanding deep in the stranger’s eyes. “That’s a pretty way to put it,” they offer politely. “Oh, um, my name’s Clare.”

They hesitate. Then they smile and nod. “I’m Aurora.”

“Nice to meet you. I haven’t seen you at the Network.”

Of course, they think Northlight is a student here. They plead ignorance. “The Network?”

“You know, for autism? It’s part of the DSN.”

Northlight blinks, mind searching for connections and finding none. “Or-tism?”

The stranger blinks back, though they’re looking out over the plaza. “You don’t know what it is?”

Northlight shakes their head, finding a ragged end of their hair and tugging it nervously. Have they given themself away as someone who doesn’t belong?

“It’s like… You know stimming. Swaying, I like that one too, and I um, I have,” suddenly Clare digs into their pocket and pulls out a strange, marshmallow-looking thing shaped like a spherical frog. “A squishy.” They pinch it between finger and thumb, and the frog distends. “Helps with, makes me feel less stressed.” They reach into another pocket in their jacket. “And this, this is my favourite, it’s for happy um, happy feelings. You can shake it and it froths up like this, and it looks pretty and makes a good sound and then you can listen to the bubbles pop.”

They shake the little jar and Northlight watches with wide eyes as a galaxy of glitter swirls around and disappears into thin white bubbles.

Clare has treasures. They reach into their inner pocket and take out Patience Penrose’s hair tie, winding it around a finger to feel the pressure, letting the stranger see.

“That’s cool,” Clare enthuses. “I had one when I was younger that was like a cat’s cradle, I would use it all day while watching things and it kept my hands busy, otherwise I’d click my pen nonstop. But I have a clicky thing now, I don’t really use it because I have my frog. Do you like clicky things? Here, it’s, um, oh here it is.”

They produce a small, round toy with a smaller circle in the middle. Northlight takes it and presses it down with a thumb, and it depresses with a silent but tangible snap.

They lift their thumb and it lifts too. They press down again.

“Keep – keep it,” Clare says. “I like asking about synaesthesia, do you – do you have that? Like when all the words have colours, or something else where you can see things or feel things that other people can’t…”

“Voices have feelings,” Northlight says. They know this one. “Nobody else can tell but they do.” They pause, then add, “Yours feels like paper. It’s nice.”

Clare’s mouth twist-smiles again. “Yeah, like that. I don’t know, um, if you are autistic, but I like talking about it, if you…if you want to hear more?”

A story offered is a rare and precious gift. Northlight tucks their new treasure into their pocket. “Yes, please.”

Clare isn’t a time traveller, but maybe... Maybe they have found someone like them after all.

[mcrmadness]

I met with the new psychiatrist today and apparently here in Finland adhd is still a little boys’ disorder. I don’t understand why can’t they take it seriously when I talk about it? Why can’t they even run the tests on me???

Now I’m just having extremely bad conscience because I keep reblogging posts about adhd and the fact that I can relate to so many aspects of ADHD (inattentive), RSD and executive dysfunction makes me feel so fake now. I feel like I shouldn’t be reblogging, I should be tagging because I feel like I’m taking the platfrom from those who ACTUALLY have it diagnosed. This is my main reason for looking for a diagnosis - I feel like I cannot exist as who I am as long as it’s not “official”. I will keep asking myself why I feel like ADHD but why do I still have an Asperger’s diagnose I don’t even agree with? I don’t even have any of the “biggest” Asperger’s traits but I match fully to the inattenttive ADHD.

Apparently the core reason is: there was never any proof of ADHD when I was younger. No one ever questioned if what I have might be ADD. But it was the 90s! And early 2000s! No one was even talking about ADHD on girls (as I’m nonbinary afab)! Besides, I had social anxiety and selective mutism, my school problems were not because I would have failed, my school problems were me being very sensitive kid and having weird-ass mental blocks that prevented me from doing Things at school. And no one ever suspected Asperger’s either. So when one random doctor writes it as my diagnosis when I was 22, suddenly there’s no way to get rid of it???

I also feel like I was not in the best place when I was to those psychological tests back then. I had quit meds 6 months earlier and I had been eating them for 5 years - from the age of 17. In tha timet I had one SSRI medicine for the whole time (it made me numb and unable to create and focusing was even harder than what it’s now) and then two different neuroleptics, the first one made me eat nonstop and gain weight and caused hypersomnia; the second one replaced the previous and it made me so severely hyperactive (I felt like I saw what it really is like to have ADHD) even sleep was difficult and then I started to be dangerous behind the wheel because I didn’t remember to look at the mirrors and just laughed about it, and then I started having blackouts, even in the middle of driving. I stopped with these two when I wasn’t even 19 yet. And I feel like they did some permanent damage to my brains. That was the first time, 10 YEARS AGO, when I started to actually think about ADHD and I was googling a lot if one can have ADHD as a brain damage from neurolepts. Or if it could trigger a childhood ADD into adult ADHD.

I really would like to know what those test would say today, when I haven’t touched any kind of antidepressants or neurolepts in 7 years and now as my brain chemicals are actually back to normal. You just don’t recover from 5 years of antidepressants in just 6 months. I had a severe derealization going on still year or two after quitting the meds.

But yeah, I just feel so bad for reblogging adhd things here because apparently I can’t have adhd if you ask the psychiatrists. And the Asperger’s thing makes me so mad. I think they just look at me and think I look like someone with Asperger’s because I don’t look people in the eye - that’s just me being an introvert and highly sensitive person with lots of traumas. They literally just see how I’m on the outside and they think all that is because of something neurological. But they refuse to see what’s REALLY going on in my head and they refuse to understand anything I say is real. I don’t know if it’s because I have been researching and reading about adhd a lot, if that’s what immediately makes doctors go into this “you’re selfdiagnosing therefore you cannot be right I’m the doctor here!!!” mode. I have seen this before too - when I talk about these with actual medical terms, the doctors write down that I do so. Why? What is so bad about it? As a teenager I was never even told about the diagnosis, I just overheard them talking about “social anxiety“ and “selective mutism” and I had to go and google them myself because no one ever told me why I was there. I thought it was fun to go there and talk with adults and I was mindblown when I found the Wikipedia page about social anxiety and it was like reading about myself.

Now I’m seriously thinking about contatcing some sort of a neuropsychiatric specialist or so who would have actually updated information about neurodivergencies and who would ACTUALLY listen to me and take me seriously. Now all I get is suggestions for a medication and occupational therapy. And I still don’t even know what that occupational therapy is + if they think I need that, why don’t they look into the CAUSE of me needing that? They just think you don’t function like everyone else in this society so let’s try make you fit in :) Fuck you, why we always need to fit in? Why don’t neurotypicals ever try to adapt to us??? I still feel like the Asperger’s diagnose is there on me “just because you’re not like everyone else” as if it was the only way to call someone acceptably weird. (Also I’m not calling people with Asperger’s or autism weird - I’m only talking about myself here because it makes me feel like I can’t be weird in peace without a diagnosis but then I don’t get even tested for something I do think I might have. Anyway, my now adult sister has both Asperger’s and ADD and we are SO different what comes to the Asperger’s, I was always the one to look after her because her thinking process has always been very different, even way different from mine, but I relate to her ADD feels and symptoms a lot.)

[earlgraytay]

thesongthesoulsings replied to your post

“[content warnings: unpopular opinions, stockholm-syndrome-like...”

"Ayn Rand nonsense" 🤦‍♀️ Leftists... You people should stop declaring every logical person an autist.

@thesongthesoulsings ...listen, I didn’t even mean her philosophy. I have a... complicated relationship with Objectivism. it was Formative (TM) for me. while I wouldn’t call myself an Objectivist by any stretch of the imagination, I think Ayn Rand had some good ideas. 

In particular: I agree with her that you know what makes you happy and what brings you joy, and that -- most of the time-- it’s wrong to hold that back because other people think you ought to. I agree with her that there is absolutely no point in glorifying human suffering, and that leftism turns into an awful crab bucket when it uses “who’s suffering most” as the measuring stick for human worth.

I agree with her that there are plenty of abusive and manipulative people who will try to use your inner sense of altruism to suck all the juice out of your eyeballs. I think she did a really goddamn good job of describing one particular type of this abuser-- and, not coincidentally, it’s a version that tends to prey on successful autistic people. Huh. Funny, that. 

but look, man, even if you think she was right about everything from a philosophical/ethical standpoint... which I don’t...  even setting aside everything I think is bad writing that comes from her philosophy, and everything that can be chalked up to “she was a product of her time” (*cough* BDSM requires safewords *cough*)... 

...are you really going to defend the absolute and utter lack of any sense of pacing in Atlas Shrugged?  are you really going to defend John Galt’s hundred-page doomspeech? or the endless... repetitive... repetition... of scenes and vignettes and character beats, or the endless goddamn nonstop cheating subplots?  or the characters that exist to prove one (1) philosophical point and are never seen again? 

Whatever you think of Ayn Rand as a philosopher-- she’s not a very good novelist. She’s writing for a screen, not a printed page, and she’s writing very TALKY on top of that. combine that with the fact that I do disagree with a lot of her philosophy (making the DOOMSPEECHES even more intolerable) and the stuff that was a product of its time is egregious now, and... well....   

Also-- I have a lot more reason for thinking Dagny is autistic than just “she’s a logical thinker” or “she’s a woman who doesn’t like to act girly” or even “SHE LIKES TRAINS” .  I don’t think she was written as an autistic person by any stretch-- autism wasn’t even a diagnosis adults could have in the 60s, after all. But like I said before, a lot of her character traits line up with my own personal experience.

Dagny wants social connection with other people, but most people just aren’t on her wavelength. Her approach to social interaction can best be described as “functional”-  she comes across as brusque and confrontational, though she’s only meaning to be those things about half the time. She wants to enjoy parties-- she likes pretty dresses and lights and pageantry-- but she feels like no one ever wants to talk about anything meaningful. She prefers the company of men to other women, because they Say What They Fucking Mean and don’t waste her time with small talk. When she sees someone who’s a kindred spirit, she can instantly tell-- and, while loyalty is antithetical to Objectivism, she immediately forms a strong connection with most of these people, just based on Being Different. 

Dagny has a very small set of very narrow interests-- as a young woman, she divided her life into the clean lines of work (meaning: trains), school (meaning: learning to further understand and optimize trains), and her (semi-secret) relationship with Francisco. As an adult, she keeps to this pretty solidly. Other than a very occasional Appreciation Of The Arts and an equally occasional sexual relationship, her entire life is her work and vice versa. This is a pretty common thing for autistic people-- many autistic people who manage to be ‘conventionally successful’ do it by parlaying a special interest of theirs into their job, and they neither need nor desire a social life beyond this. (Though that’s not true for every autistic person, everyone is different + etc.) 

...anyway, neither you nor I deserve to go on about this any longer.

[jinglebellrockstars]

Autism Post :P

Current Stims

Walking around in circles for extended periods of time/pacing back and forth/walking around the house nonstop (did you know my grandmother once yelled at me and called me a demon for doing this? for walking around the house all the time? fun times)

Rocking/Bouncing/Leg bouncing while sitting 

Rubbing my face until dirt comes out of my pores

Tapping on my leg bone when listening to a song

Tooth grinding

Finger taps!

Past Stims

I used to chew on my shirt a lot because i liked the taste of t shirt unfortunately this only left me with a wet t shirt :/

Flamingo Stance!

Rocking side to side while standing (which my mom hated)

I used to tear off pieces of the metal things that cover pencil erasers to make a collection and dig under my nails with them Each piece had a different size and sharpness for every different scrape i needed I thought this was normal

Current Special Interests

Video Games! I love Pokemon (of course), Fallout, and Kingdom Hearts!

Movies

Death Note

Past Interests

Cartoons! Mostly Ed Edd and Eddy and Spongebob God you should ave seen my room as a kid it was nothing but spongebob everywhere

I used to come up with ideas for movies and draw the posters for them in notebook collections!

I really liked ants as a kid I was just always thinking about them in their little anthills doing ant stuff *marge simpson voice* i just thought they were neat!

Sensory Issues

Bad Food smells like seafood and boiled eggs

Picky Eater

I hate, Hate mold and mildew and stuff that grows on the corners of bathtubs and sinks and stuff 

Loud noises and music with no warning or just to annoy me 

Not sure if this is an autism thing but my stomach tenses up in water and on roller coasters for some reason

Scraping on plates 

Bright light

Sensory Enjoyments

Good Smells! i like to smell everything! some of my favorite smells are laundry detergents, gasoline, and king size markers!

I like bumpy walls and riding over bumpy roads in the car!

Repetitive Music Listening (still dont know how anyone can listen to a song and NOT repeat it into oblivion)

And there you have it!