#my assignmetn help

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[that-cheer-up-anon]

I’VE GOT 2 ASSIGNMETNS DUE AND I’M JUST NEVER GONNA START WORKING ON THEM

this morning I was feeling so good like I was gonna be productive and now it’s just going like how it always goes, which is  doing nothing, wasting time, wasting money, just choking on self-loathing

STUPID EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION

it’s not helpful that I KNOW I’M NOT BEING USEFUL OR HELPING MYSELF. I just CAN’T START! and it’s really not helpful when my big bro comes in telling me to “just do it. I don’t get why you don’t just work on it. You’re wasting time and money.” LIKE I KNOW!!!! THAT! THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE CRAP!!! like MY BODY AND BRAIN IS JUST SAYING NO! I WANT TO SCREAM

it’s not like I’m consciously saying “No, I’m just going to not do it, bc I don’t want to do it.” it’s me screaming in my head for me to start but my hands and arms just keep doing nothing, not opening the files and working on it. it doesn’t matter if I want to work on it or not. my body just isn’t making the movements

and it doesn’t help that I’m just so angry at myself and trying so hard to push away my thoughts of just smashing my head in, or other self-harm and torture, mixed in w depressive and suicidal thoughts. just a barrage of it. I want to cry, but I don’t want my siblings to walk in on me, and I can’t lock my door bc then they’ll get mad at me for having it locked and ask me why it’s locked and I have to lie, which makes me feel bad, and reminds me that I can’t tell or let on about my mental illnesses to anyone in my family

just doesn’t help that the moment I get upset I start thinking depressive and suicidal thoughts, and then I get tired from having to cover it up in front of others while combating those thoughts at the same time

and now I’ve wasted more time just writing thsi out and ughhhhhddgda;enlawk;vdsmzx