#my anxiety lowkey has not been super bad this weekend in the first time in so long

[scarletcomet]

love how i’m probably going to have to spend my entire fall break applying for internships. that is, if i make it through this week.

[myaekingheart]

I feel like I’ve been overthinking food and my weight a lot lately. Past couple nights I’ve had dreams about weight and this weekend, I’ve felt super anxious about food. My boyfriend’s mother was up from Saturday until this morning and she lowkey exhausted the fuck out of me. Sometimes I wonder if she even understands the definition of chill, she always wants to run around and do something and go places like there’s never a relaxing day with her. Yesterday, we went to four different thrift stores, three of which were Goodwill, and that alone was exhausting as fuck. What made it even worse is that the concept of eating when she’s up is always so...stressful. She just never fucking eats, and neither does my boyfriend, but she’s always wanting to take us out to eat but neither of them care where we go so then all the pressure to make a decision almost always rests on me. And then it takes us like an hour to decide where to eat and I’ll be starving and I’ll just want to like eat toast or some shit for breakfast but then I don’t want to eat only for them to be like “Okay let’s go out and get food” and me not be hungry, you know? I feel like it’s socially unacceptable to not eat if you’re going out to a restaurant so there’s always this paranoia about social standards and shit. On Sunday, we went to WingStop and got some food and we ate in the restaurant which we never fucking do (we always just get food to go) and I mean, wings are fucking messy. I was hungry and I wanted to eat (even though I knew there was a very high chance I’d get sick because we were going to the movies afterward which is a hardcore HIGH ANXIETY environment for me and I try to avoid it at all fucking costs) but in the back of my mind all I could think about was how fucking ridiculous I looked, I was making a huge fucking mess, I had sauce all over my hands and all over my face. This one woman walked into the restaurant to order some food herself and she laughed at me, saying that’s how she was going to look once she got her order. On one hand, I was super self-conscious but on the other I didn’t even care? Or maybe that’s what I kept trying to tell myself, that I didn’t give a fuck if I, a full grown adult, was eating wings like a toddler eats cake on her birthday (or anything on any day, for that matter). Yesterday was perhaps the worst in regards to my relationship with food, though. For starters, I was beginning to feel insanely burnt out. His mother had been running us ragged all weekend and last week was the week from hell, I could not catch a break, topped off with the fact that I relapsed in the self harm department last Wednesday, told my therapist and boyfriend about it on Thursday, and then had a massive argument with my boyfriend about it over text messaging that took up all Friday afternoon and left me in hysterical tears for four hours straight, so all I had the capacity to do was clean the house in preparation for this weekend. I was so looking forward to a three-day weekend, too, but unfortunately I couldn’t even enjoy some R+R because of his mother. The only thing keeping me going is the promise of Thanksgiving break next week, honestly, even though I know the minute we come back from that it’s all downhill from there prepping for finals. But anyways, so yesterday I was feeling super burnt out which was bad enough but then that made the food issues even worse. By the time we got ready and figured out what we wanted to do, we didn’t eat our first meal of the day until fucking 2pm and I was already starting to feel dizzy and nauseous. We went to an unfamiliar restaurant where I got a good burger that I ate in it’s entirety, which led to my boyfriend’s mother commenting “She’s hungry!!” and halfway through my food I started getting some serious food-vertigo (which is basically a thing I just made up where sometimes the prospect of eating makes me dizzy and I start to feel kind of sick and anxious). This food-vertigo and exhaustion lasted throughout the entire rest of the day as I was dragged to four different thrift stores and Sam’s Club (I find it funny that after all of this, his mother had the audacity to say she didn’t get everything done up here that she wanted and that the time flew by way too fast like um okay...). I was grateful that she bought me a hoodie I found to use for a Hinata cosplay and my own bluetooth beanie after getting my boyfriend one for his birthday, like I will never say no to someone buying something for me, I was just simultaneously so fucking tired. I knew I had to keep going, though, because there was one thing I definitely wanted to get done today and that was to take the annual park picture that my boyfriend and I have taken in front of this waterfall in a nearby park every year on his birthday since we’ve been together. The picture has to be taken at night, though, when the waterfall is lit up, so we had to wait. We decided to go to dinner beforehand at this semi-fancy restaurant that I had also never eaten in before that gave me some mild anxiety. It was dark inside and the ceilings were high and the tables were marble so shiny you could see the ceiling reflected in them which gave me serious anxiety/vertigo. I wasn’t even hungry, either, but I picked at some garlic knots that tasted pretty good. We did end up getting the picture even though his mother’s hands were super shaky so almost every picture she took was blurry as fuck (and she had to use my phone because both her and my boyfriend’s phones were dead af and my phone camera is shit-- I feel like only I know how to properly work it and make the pictures come out decent). At least we did get a decent picture in the end, though, and then we went home for at least some relaxation before bed. Even this morning/today, though, the food anxiety has persisted. All I ate today before “dinner” was a croissant for breakfast which was delicious and I fucking love croissants, my anxiety was just so bad that I still felt kind of vertigo-y as I ate and even with sleeping in an extra fifteen minutes, I was fucking exhausted. All of this was well and good but I didn’t even mention the worst part of all of this: my boyfriend’s mother had a stomach bug the entire time she was here. Apparently she started feeling sick on Thursday night or something, was going to call out of work Friday, but came up on Saturday anyways because yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday and she refused to miss spending it with him. So on top of everything else, I was also struck with the fear of her getting unexpectedly sick no matter what we did or where we went, as well as stuck with the nuisance of her complaining about how she hadn’t eaten anything since Thursday and that she couldn’t eat and that her stomach was bothering her so much. It made me even more anxious because all I could think about was her puking in the only bathroom in the house and then myself having to interact with that (the toilet that would have been since contaminated with her stomach bug germs) or her running to the bathroom with hand clasped over mouth or something equally nerve-wracking. Every time we went out to eat, she’d barely get any food and anything she did eat was so fucking panicky to watch like all I could think about was her vomiting it all back up again and the risk of that. It made eating even less enjoyable for me, the not-so-friendly neighborhood emetophobic. And now, tonight, I am struck with the horrifying fear that I may have just walked right into a trap. I ate her barely-touched leftovers from Saturday night for dinner and now I’m feeling so nauseous but I can’t tell if it’s because her food was contaminated with her fucking germs or if it’s just my anxiety talking. Either way, I know I cannot afford to be sick right now which makes things that much worse. I’m still so fucking exhausted, too, I still have a bit of that vertigo-y thing going on, I’m stressed, I’m anxious. Everything sucks and I overall just kind of want to die. 

And in terms of the dream, last night I dreamed that I stepped on the scale and had gained seven more pounds than the last time I weighed myself. I know I need to gain weight to be healthy but at the same time, I can’t help but feel so out of control and panicked because I know I gained weight without even trying. Yeah, I eat, like I’ll starve myself but I still eat, but the fact that I recently gained five whole fucking pounds without even trying??? And in the course of, like, a month if eve that??? That is fucking TERRIFYING. Like just...how??? Especially when I didn’t think I was doing anything different, you know? That’s just so nerve-wracking. So of course my subconscious is playing on those fears and feeding me nightmares about gaining even more weight without even trying, leaving me to feel out of control and panicked. I even keep almost gaslighting myself about the real incident, saying maybe I only dreamed that I gained five pounds and that next time I weigh myself, I’ll be back to my usual weight or something, I don’t know. It’s so weird to feel so comfortable at a consistent weight that you know is logically too low for your height and age. Like I panic when I drop too low and I panic when I gain. It’s just so fucking bizarre, I don’t know, man. Maybe I am anorexic after all. I know I have some sort of eating disorder but I’ve always told myself I was super atypical, that I never fit the criteria for any of the real eating disorders, but now...well, now I’m not so sure. I took an assessment with my therapist for this sort of stuff on Thursday morning when I last saw her, so hopefully the next time I see her I’ll get the results and know for sure what the fuck is wrong with me. I don’t know, man, right now everything is just kind of super fucked up. 

[platitvdes]

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: edward michael kaspbrak

NICKNAME(S): eddie, eds, spaghetti head, eddie spaghetti, spagheds, etc. by the losers/party. also wheezy, “sissy little queer boy,” and uh a bunch of other… more aggressive things by non–partylosers according to the book thanks a lot steve (king, not harrington)

AGE: eighteen

DATE OF BIRTH: september 3, 1976

HOMETOWN: derry, maine

CURRENT LOCATION: derry, maine

ETHNICITY: he white

NATIONALITY: americano

GENDER: cis male

PRONOUNS: he/him/his

ORIENTATION: het thanks!!!!! just kidding he’s a homoromantic homosexual

RELIGION: a good christian boiy. he was raised methodist. what is he really? who knows. fighting a giant clown monster demon thing makes you really question a lot about religion and he’s not willing to go too deep into it

POLITICAL AFFILIATION: left-leaning, but very moderately so, mostly influenced by his friends and also by the fact that maine has been a blue state pretty much for the entire time he’s been old enough to think about these things. his mom’s a democrat solely because she lives off the welfare system ( and because she finds bill clinton incredibly charming and charismatic ); otherwise she’d definitely be a republican

OCCUPATION: student, a sad small gay

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: he lives with his momma in a very toxic environment also his mom is lowkey a hoarder it’s not so bad that he’s embarrassed to invite people over but like she’s a hoarder

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english and…. english

ACCENT: um idk a maine accent

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

FACE CLAIM: timothée chalamet

HAIR COLOUR: dark brown

EYE COLOUR: hazel—sometimes more green, sometimes more brown, sometimes more weirdly gold-ish; depends on the day and lighting

HEIGHT: five feet, eight inches.

WEIGHT: one-hundred twenty-two pounds.

BUILD: skinny af and long-limbed ( for his stature ). not crazy short anymore, but still below average height

TATTOOS: LMAO

PIERCINGS: y’all. pls

CLOTHING STYLE: from my head canons, bc i’m too lazy to rewrite it: eddie often looks like he’s stepped out of the pages of a ralph lauren catalogue not because he is stylish or fashionable at all—he isn’t—but because he wears a lot of polos and shorts, though he doesn’t fill them out nearly as well as the ralph lauren models do. Especially pastel polos. he also frequently wears your good ol’ graphic tee and jeans combo, because you can’t go wrong there, right?

USUAL EXPRESSION: concerned tbh

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: slightly doe-eyed, extremely doe-bodied, a preppy haircut, an inhaler in hand, and also he’s probably getting squeaky-voiced about something and/or visibly shaking. like a chihuahua.

HEALTH

PHYSICAL AILMENTS: technically? none

NEUROLOGICAL CONDITIONS: LORDY okay so the number one most important one is munchausen syndrome and hypochondria courtesy of being the proxy of his mom’s munchausen by proxy; severe anxiety (including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder); clinical depression; and, finally, i believe the medical term for it is “FOMO"

ALLERGIES: supposedly pollen, animal dander, insect bites/stings, dust, latex, mold, wool, and, like, a bunch of other shit. he does actually have some allergies, especially to pollen/animal dander/dust, that aren’t super severe and therefore don’t necessarily present typical allergy symptoms and contribute to his constant feelings of general illness and malaise that heighten the aforementioned hypochondria. he also is actually allergic to latex. womp womp

SLEEPING HABITS: not the best but not the worst—eddie falls asleep early enough and wakes early enough, especially when left to his own devices, but he’ll often stay up later just to be in the group chat because of the aforementioned FOMO and also because richie will usually show up at his house and they’ll just talk for a while. but even then tbh he has a hard time staying up later than like 1 or 2, and even on the weekends he’ll wake up pretty early. so……… all this adds up to having ambitions of getting a good amount of sleep, not getting Terrible amounts of sleep, but also not getting Enough sleep.

EATING HABITS: you would think he would have some special diet and maybe in 2018 he would be raised eating nothing but kale and granola and gluten free shit but bitch it’s 1994 eddie eats hella processed foods

EXERCISE HABITS: that’s cute idk he gets exercise from running from bullies and riding his bike w his friends although they don’t do that as much anymore now that people have cars

EMOTIONAL STABILITY: 1 probably eddie is always on the verge of a nervous breakdown. in actuality he’s probably around a 7, which is much higher than you might think; as much as he is indeed constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, he’s done a pretty good job of pushing down literally everything into a well so deep that most people, including himself, can’t really tell what’s wrong or what’s going on, and it’s been that way for a long, long time. or anyway, repression is the only version of emotional stability he’s learned to manage and maintain, which probably doesn’t actually count as very stable, so who knows, maybe he’s a 3.

SOCIABILITY: not as introverted as one might think; he’s definitely an introvert and needs some time alone to recharge, but in general, he prefers being around his friends to not being around them and will go out of his way to be with the people he’s closest to

BODY TEMPERATURE: runs cold, typically, which also means he gets cold easily, which sucks when you live in fucking maine

ADDICTIONS: none

DRUG USE: a seasoned pill popper of all kinds of vitamins and various placebos. he’s also on like 35 different mental health related medications. i know this isn’t what you were looking for but this is eddie kaspbrak

ALCOHOL USE: fam, come on

PERSONALITY

LABEL: “the little nervous one,” according to me upon my first watch of IT (2017); the crepehanger

POSITIVE TRAITS: loyal, feisty, energetic, brave

NEGATIVE TRAITS: defeatist, anxious, rambling, hypocritical

GOALS/DESIRES: to overcome his biggest fears, mainly—which means to be able to leave derry ( and his mother ) behind; to accept that he is not some sickly boy in need of protecting; to feel comfortable in his own skin.

FEARS: disease, death, abandonment, intense feelings of any kind honestly, his sexuality, exposure of said sexuality, change, his mom, disappointing his mom, independence, failure

HOBBIES: comics, movies, spending fucking HOURS reading medical websites and learning that all roads lead to cancer, hanging out with The Gang™, annoying his friends, lecturing his friends, sneaking out of his house, super mario bros, is candy a hobby? it is now, not dungeons and dragons ‘cause he’s not a fuckin nerd

HABITS: nail biting, compulsive timekeeping, pencil chewing tbh but only at Home, ice chewing also…..it’s super bad for your teeth but man does he love it……., assuming death lurks around every corner and shouting at everyone else about it

FAVOURITES

WEATHER: he likes a sunny day in weather that is slightly crisp, like late september, bc he has seasonal allergies

COLOUR: blu. particularly a good royal blue. sometimes sky blue if he’s feeling festive

MUSIC: pop music mostly…………. he loves a diva. he is a Loud whitney houston stan but he keeps his madonna love much closer to the vest

MOVIES: comedies definitely. he doesn’t care much for movies that are like, cinematically renowned and artsy or whatever. he’s here for something stupid that’ll make him laugh. he really likes dumb and dumber, embarrassingly enough. he also loves bill & ted. it’s his favorite movie. good ol wholesome fun, there.

SPORT: tennis obviously

BEVERAGE: an arnold palmer he’s really wildin out here

FOOD: honestly? a fuckin ice cream sundae

ANIMAL: penguins they’re gay and they mate for life

FAMILY

FATHER: frank kaspbrak. he died of cancer when eddie was a wee bab ( he was five so not actually a wee bab, but wee enough )

MOTHER: sonia kaspbrak, a devil woman

SIBLING(S): none

PET(S): he had a goldfish named arnold once that’s it

FAMILY’S FINANCIAL STATUS: lower middle class. his mom doesn’t work and lives solely off disability checks and the like, but they never seem to be for lack of money for eddie’s extensive medical care or, like, food or shelter.

EXTRA

ZODIAC SIGN: virgo binch

MBTI: ISFJ ( the defender )

ENNEAGRAM: type 6 ( the loyalist ), but actually he’s a type 6 with a type 5 wing that’s almost balanced, which, hilariously, is also called the defender

TEMPERAMENT: melancholic

HOGWARTS HOUSE: GRYFFINDOR FIGHT ME

MORAL ALIGNMENT: lawful good

PRIMARY VICE: envy

PRIMARY VIRTUE: charity

ELEMENT: earth

[seongkiran-blog]

( i’m sobbing she’s precious )

hi guys, i’m jules and i’m so excited to be a part of this rp !! i just saw that my app was in all caps by mistake bc my phone likes to fuck with me like that and i’m cringing omg. so i applied a few days ago but life got super hectic and i only just reapplied now that i’ve come up for air rip. but this is my eternally fucked, lowkey honey girl kiran who thinks she’s stoic and intimidating af but more often than not has the smallest of smiles at the v least on her face. here’s some basic — & extensive, sorry lmao — info about her ( TW: death, self-destructive behaviour, adjustment disorder/situational depression ) :

born seong kiran/kiran diana seong on march 12, 1997

scarborough, canada born and raised to first-gen korean-canadian parents

the epitome of a bitter smol™ that’s prepared to fight over everything (stubborn brat )

has twin five year old siblings that she fucking adores, which is a big deal since she doesn’t care intensely for many people

her parents were both only kids that ventured into science-based careers; her mom was a pharmacist at her late grandparents’ small clinic and her dad was a neurosurgeon at toronto gen hospital, so they were upper-middle class you could say

s u c k e d at making friends in her formative years and when she did, they didn’t stay for v long

plenty of chances for her to find new friends though since the gta is huge and has a ton of other kids around so it wasn’t all in vain

also her vanity when she was a kid was prob a turn off for others lol

smart af, like english? a’s. math? a’s french? a+

eventually didn’t suck at the whole friend thing and had a small group of people she grew rather fond of

she ended up graduating as valedictorian and was accepted to mcgill to study pre-med and become a neurosurgeon just like papa seong

always wanted to follow in his footsteps, so it came as no surprise to her parents

( TW: DEATH ) during her midterm break in her first sem, her parents decided to take the family to their cabin near muskoka for a weekend away from the city/suburbs

they were a little over halfway there when her dad tried to veer the suv away from a moose in the middle of their lane, but wasn’t successful

kiran was conscious during the whole thing, though she sustained a concussion and the twins were unharmed in their carseats; however their mother died on impact and their father suffered from a cranial injury ( .. i only just realized how ironic and morbid this is after working with this muse for a while oh my g o d )

she went with the twins to the hospital and was inconsolable over the loss of her mother alone, while her father was in critical condition and the outlook was promising, though not certain

he was put in a medically induced coma after being operated on and she and her godparents ( who advised her on the whole thing since they were docs themselves ) decided to hold out hope for a recovery

the twins were put in her care and she was left to deal with the burden of their loss, her education and the obvious, her brother and sister’s newfound dependency on her

she withdrew from the few people she became close to over the years, her grades began to slip as well, and she was always weighed down by grief and anxiety

she tried to stay in school while taking care of the twins, but it was becoming more and more difficult to do so. she just managed to keep her head above water throughout the rest of the first sem though

moved out of res, into an apartment and relocated the twins for the time being to see if she could pull it off

( TW: SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR ) add the fact that a part of her began to question if she could really follow in her dad’s footsteps, and that she let further anxiety from the pressures of making her parents proud get to her and she was soon on a downward spiral

she slipped away from her academics and was slowly becoming a poor guardian; soon, kiran was partying too hard and winding up in the hospital or a stranger’s dorm, skipping labs, and was generally a lost cause when the twins were under the care of a sitter

failed a couple of courses by the end of the second semester and had her godparents flying out to crack down on her dumb ass

felt hopeless and lost, but especially so when she posed the risk of losing the only family that she had left, realizing how selfish her actions were and trying to amend her mistakes

dropped out of mcgill for the time being and took up a job as a retail clerk to provide for the three of them ( despite inheriting their mom’s estate and all, as she put the money that came from it into the kids’ savings )

was soon in the clear in her godparents’ opinion and has tried to do right by her parents and siblings since then

after losing herself for a while, she found that she was right back to where she started with friend-making, but rather than it being her just not knowing how, it was that she didn’t want to let people in after everything that had happened

she didn’t remain a loner, but she didn’t have a ride or die by any means

for the sake of her a.d and bc of the bad memories that t.o and mtl held, she found herself relocating to greenville of all places

but deep down she knows mama seong would be happy about the kids growing up in a smaller town than near dt toronto

about four months after settling in, she began attending a nearby college in what would have been her fourth semester and has since maintained a high gpa after retaking the courses she fucked up in

her dad has since woken up, but he’s going through extensive forms of therapy to restore his motor, neurological, etc functions

she’d be back in t.o if her godparents hadn’t advised against it since it was still rly overwhelming for him and his three kids ( two of whom wouldn’t rly know him either ) coming back prob wouldn’t help ??

still has nightmares from the accident, the girl’s scarred for life and is thankful that the twins were too young to remember

sees a psychiatrist at the behest of her godmother bc she rly can’t cope by herself in all of this but she doesn’t like to burden others with her problems ( doesn’t like people knowing much about her regardless but )

now to her personality and extra facts ig ??? this has gotten so out of hand already, sTOP ME

the most stubborn chick alive, will never admit she’s wrong unless you weasel it out of her with some heavy guilt-tripping

she used to be a fucking NIGHTMARE to most people before everything went awry, still can be but it’s more or less an act with a little bit of it also being herself

a true instagram addict, which makes sense bc she can be p vain at times

rather intuitive tbh

can be insightful as well

feigns annoyance and boredom with people/their antics

some weird ass detachment method on her part that she didn’t shake, but question her on it and she’ll shut it tf down

but is still genuinely, easily irritated all the same ?? not even i understand this chick

curses like a sailor is she isn’t too curt in her responses

has a problem with trusting others, feels like she can only truly rely on herself so if you break through that barrier then congrats ig

she won’t make it obvious though, she’s a sociable being and will actually take to you if you pique her interest with free booze or a wild story

just don’t expect her to surrender much of her life story, but she’ll also get a bit offended if you don’t offer a bit of your own ??

the most annoying internalizer of emotions ever if you’re actually friends with her, 110% will not confide in you if you’re not one of four or five people in her life

also fears loss more than anything, so she isn’t close to many people for BOTH the trusting aspect, as well as wanting to spare herself the pain of watching more loved ones die or leave

but if you’re one of the v select few people she’s let in completely, she’ll never let you go. she’s the definition of loyal and will legit die for you

so so devoted to her little brother and sister, like she loves them more than anything and does everything so that they can succeed when they’re older

all of the sports acceptable for kindergarteners, music lessons, ballet, you name it, she’s got them registered

puts them before herself all the fucking time, her mom wouldn’t be impressed with her putting herself last as opposed to finding equilibrium

anyways, point is, you’ll never see her be more affectionate and joyful than with her family, godparents included

her being good with other kids though ?? she’s been working on it and she’s coming around

still can’t stand screaming brats though lmao

will be super polite to even her enemy’s parents mostly bc fuck that person.. unless their parents aren’t pleasant people either, then she’ll be unpleasant right back lmao

trust me when i say that she has a heart of gold and will do what’s morally right, is so so soft but will forever be in denial like i cannOT STRESS ENOUGH

defensive pessimism at its finest

fluent in french and korean

memes are lowkey the way to her heart

well, memes and food ofc

such a poutine hoe™

sci fi junkie

here for aesthetically pleasing everything

her place is almost never in disorder, oddly enough

quite the party girl, though not the same as when she was a frosh, is able to control herself when there aren’t too many stressors plaguing her

queer af, doesn’t know what her sexuality is but she knows she isn’t straight ( but for all intents and purposes, she’s pansexual )

she just needs someone else to take care of her honestly, she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself lmao

trying her best™ to be better in general but change doesn’t happen overnight so she’s not rushing into it, aka she’s still comfortable with being a bit of an asshole for as long as possible

you sometimes won’t know who she is from one day to the next, kind of the personification of a wild ride

so that’s kiran, if you’d like to plot just hmu or like this and i’ll come to you !! i’ll link some possible connections later bc my laptop’s about to die and i can’t find the charger anywhere ? @my mom, pls stop moving my stuff, it’s giving me more heart palpitations than my econ final last month

[noeulchoi-blog]

alert: noeul choi has accepted your request. she is currently twenty-one years old, cisfemale and a retail assistant but aspires to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. they are described to be steadfast & reticent. rumor has it that [ redacted ]. could it be true? we’ll find out. — ( jeon somin, k, she/her, at )

in the box: a brand new, 256gb macbook air to replace the laptop that she’s had for years. she felt the need to hold off on a necessary upgrade to be able to support herself and her family

( .. her cuteness kills me )

hey everyone, i’m k and i’m excited to be a part of this rp !! so it’s wednesday and yet i’m still as emo as ever about bts at the bbmas bc mY BOYS !!!! anyways this is my eternally fucked, lowkey honey girl noeul who’s been through some shit. here’s some basic — & extensive, sorry lmao — info about her ( TW: death, self-destructive behaviour, adjustment disorder/situational depression ) :

born noeul emilia choi/choi noeul on march 12, 1996

pronounced “no-ewl” but she goes by “noel” for the most part since it’s easier for most lol

etobicoke, canada born and raised to first-gen korean-canadian parents

the epitome of a bitter smol™ that’s prepared to fight over everything ( stubborn brat )

has twin five year old siblings that she fucking adores, which is a big deal since she doesn’t care intensely for many people

her parents were both only kids that ventured into science-based careers; her mom was a pharmacist at her late grandparents’ small clinic and her dad was a cardiothoracic surgeon at toronto gen hospital, so they were upper-middle class you could say

s u c k e d at making friends in her formative years and when she did, they didn’t stay for v long

plenty of chances for her to find new friends though since the gta is huge and has a ton of other kids around so it wasn’t all in vain

also her vanity when she was a kid was prob a turn off for others lol

smart af, like english? a’s. math? a’s french? a+

eventually didn’t suck at the whole friend thing and had a small group of people she grew rather fond of

she ended up graduating as valedictorian and was accepted to mcgill to study pre-med and become a cardiothoracic surgeon just like papa choi

always wanted to follow in his footsteps, so it came as no surprise to her parents

( TW: DEATH ) during her midterm break in her first sem, her parents decided to take the family to their cabin near muskoka for a weekend away from the city/suburbs

they were a little over halfway there when her dad tried to veer the suv away from a moose in the middle of their lane, but wasn’t successful

noeul was conscious during the whole thing, though she sustained a concussion and the twins were unharmed in their carseats; however their mother died on impact and their father suffered from a cranial injury

she went with the twins to the hospital and was inconsolable over the loss of her mother alone, while her father was in critical condition and the outlook was promising, though not certain

he was put in a medically induced coma after being operated on and she and her godparents ( who advised her on the whole thing since they were docs themselves, i have a huge backstory for even her parents haha ) decided to hold out hope for a recovery

the twins were put in her care and she was left to deal with the burden of their loss, her education and the obvious, her brother and sister’s newfound dependency on her

she withdrew from the few people she became close to over the years, her grades began to slip as well, and she was always weighed down by grief and anxiety

she tried to stay in school while taking care of the twins, but it was becoming more and more difficult to do so. she just managed to keep her head above water throughout the rest of the first sem though

moved out of res, into an apartment and relocated the twins for the time being to see if she could pull it off

( TW: SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR ) add the fact that a part of her began to question if she could really follow in her dad’s footsteps, and that she let further anxiety from the pressures of making her parents proud get to her and she was soon on a downward spiral

she slipped away from her academics and was slowly becoming a poor guardian; soon, noeul was partying too hard and winding up in the hospital or a stranger’s dorm, skipping labs, and was generally a lost cause when the twins were under the care of a sitter

failed a couple of courses by the end of the second semester and was under investigation by cps for her lack of responsibility over the kids

felt hopeless and lost, but especially so when she posed the risk of losing the only family that she had left, realizing how selfish her actions were and trying to amend her mistakes

dropped out of mcgill for the time being to prove herself to the twins’ social worker and took up a job as a retail clerk to provide for the three of them ( despite inheriting their mom’s estate and all, as she put the money that came from it into the kids’ savings )

was soon in the clear and has tried to do right by her parents and siblings since then

after losing herself for a while, she found that she was right back to where she started with friend-making, but rather than it being her just not knowing how, it was that she didn’t want to let people in after everything that had happened

she didn’t remain a loner, but she didn’t have a ride or die by any means

noeul eventually returned to mcgill in what would have been her third year and has since maintained a high gpa after retaking the courses she fucked up in

her dad has since woken up, but he’s going through extensive forms of therapy to restore his motor, neurological, etc functions

for that reason, she figured that she should transfer guardianship to her godparents for the time being, as she wanted to see her family ( or what remained of it ) reconnect more than anything and that would be impossible while her dad’s in toronto and she and the twins are in montreal

relocated to la on impulse ( .. dumbass ) bc she felt like mcgill held too many bad memories ( that and warmer weather ?? fuck yes ) so she transferred to ucla

still has nightmares from the accident, the girl’s scarred for life and is thankful that the twins were too young to remember

sees a psychiatrist at the behest of the social worker bc she rly can’t cope by herself in all of this

now to her personality and extra facts ig ??? this has gotten so out of hand already, sTOP ME

the most stubborn chick alive, will never admit she’s wrong unless you weasel it out of her with some heavy guilt-tripping

she used to be a fucking NIGHTMARE to most people before everything went awry, still can be but it’s more or less her being herself and not putting on an act

a true instagram addict, which makes sense bc she can be p vain at times

rather intuitive tbh

can be insightful as well

feigns annoyance and boredom with people/their antics

some weird ass detachment method on her part that she didn’t shake, but question her on it and she’ll shut it tf down

but is still genuinely, easily irritated all the same ?? not even i understand this chick

curses like a sailor is she isn’t too curt in her responses

has a problem with trusting others, feels like she can only truly rely on herself so if you break through that barrier then congrats ig

she won’t make it obvious though, she’s a sociable being and will actually take to you if you pique her interest with free booze or a wild story

just don’t expect her to surrender much of her life story, but she’ll also get a bit offended if you don’t offer a bit of your own ?? 

the most annoying internalizer of emotions ever if you’re actually friends with her, 110% will not confide in you if you’re not one of four or five people in her life

also fears loss more than anything, so she isn’t close to many people for BOTH the trusting aspect, as well as wanting to spare herself the pain of watching more loved ones die or leave

but if you’re one of the v select few people she’s let in completely, she’ll never let you go. she’s the definition of loyal and will legit die for you

so so devoted to her little brother and sister and still takes on the role of guardian despite them not being together for the time being

you’ll never see her be more affectionate and joyful than with her family, godparents included

her being good with other kids though ?? she’s still working on that

will be super polite to even her enemy’s parents mostly bc fuck that person.. unless their parents aren’t pleasant people either, then she’ll be unpleasant right back lmao

defensive pessimism at its finest

fluent in french and korean

memes are lowkey the way to her heart

well, memes and food ofc

such a poutine hoe™

sci fi junkie

here for aesthetically pleasing everything

her place is almost never in disorder, oddly enough

quite the party girl, though not the same as when she was a frosh, is able to control herself when there aren’t too many stressors plaguing her

queer af, doesn’t know what her sexuality is but she knows she isn’t straight ( but for all intents and purposes, she’s pansexual )

she just needs someone else to take care of her honestly, she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself lmao

basically you won’t rly know who she is from one day to the next, the personification of a wild ride

so that’s noeul, if you’d like to plot don’t hesitate to message me, or like this and i’ll come to you !! i’ll link some connections in a bit

[moidse]

before I would be so triggered I felt like i had to text you and accuse you of whatever my anxiety convinced me you were doing behind my back...

...it’s hard for me to start difficult conversations now, because it doesn’t feel super urgent... and lets be real,,, those urgent feelings was really them not getting that them talking about being with anyone else makes my confidence and self worth shake. I feel stupid complaining because it’s irrational but I just honestly have been feeling sad about it the past few days and just reading that sentence in their piece triggered me into tears... 

It makes me feel weird that they are just like back to hanging with their ex. and I know they are friends and wanted to go back to a friendship. It just does make me feel weird. I know that I would still have feelings and feel weird. They say themselves they can’t just let go of feelings... 

and it really bothers me that they called me that night and lowkey begged me to let them go home with their friend to cuddle and make out... like that still bothers me a lot whenever I think about it. and I know they already apologized but like...

it was weird to me that on our date last weekend,, i was going on about the story of us meeting... like i have honestly a million times over the past months... and they said they didn’t notice me at the burlesque show because they were with this crush and this crush happened to not show up the day we did meet, cuz i was saying my ex happened to be busy that night... the thing is i’ve like always told that side of the story and this was the very first time they mentioned they were hanging with this person at that first event and was planning to at the second... it felt weird that this information was withheld and also with them begging me to let them make out with this person a few days ago... it just doesn’t feel good... it feels like they have feelings for this other person.. why would they feel a need to hide that if it was no longer the present. 

also i don’t like the way they phrased it,,, saying i was with [redacted] and that’s why i didn’t notice you.... that just makes me feel like cuz you like this person more than me, or they are just hotter and so you didn’t notice me... idk it felt rude.. and it’s like i was with a date too lol and noticed you... 

I don’t like the feelings these thoughts send me. I guess i feel like I don’t trust them. I feel like they only kinda like me. I just fear they have a better connection with these people than me..... 

I still feel weird being around [redacted] and i honestly never wanna be around the other person. I hate this. I’ve never had this and I honestly don’t like it. I don’t wanna go tonight. It feels like a chore. 

Idk just thinking about these things just makes me feel bad... it makes me feel like im ugly and undesirable. I don’t have ppl trying to date me or trying to make out with me,, and the person i wanna be with has no desire to even fuck me... its just like... wtf is wrong with me. I feel like no one wants me. It’s been so long since i’ve had good sex. I hate it here. I love their company. I love having them as a companion. But I do not love them as a lover. it just feels so awkward. 

I guess it feels like I’m sacrificing having enjoyable sex and all these things while they got to date someone else and have other ppl trying to make out with them... meanwhile i haven’t had attention like that and wish i did. 

it’s complicated though. I don’t want to cause a social awkward situation for when im in cbus.. but that would happen if we broke up. 

Idk things are just a bit depressing and I kinda don’t wanna drive out there to sleep all day... i say this now but when i get there it is really nice to kiss and cuddle.. i just wish they only wanted to do that with me... but they don’t ... i don’t have anyone else...

I just wish they were passionate about kissing me and touching me... instead they seem asleep and uninterested.. but they can call me at 1am begging me to let them kiss and cuddle someone else... it’s like i wish they had that same passion about kissing me.... but i dont feel like they do. idk. i wish things felt more reciprocated.

idk it just sucks cuz i very much so don’t talk about my ex because i know it would hurt them. if i talked about how hot their body was, how hot they made me feel, how we both agreed it was the best sex either of us had ever had... how they’d send me photos and videos and crave to touch me.. to taste me.. making out with them was so nice too.....i just miss that spark,,, that passion.. those butterflies...  

[lf-yoursmile-blog]

Anime North 2018 ; Apologies & Confessions from a Super Awkward Person.

So introductions first, I guess … ?

This is a little long btw.

Let’s go with a quick description, actually. (If it rings a bell in remembrance, this apology is most likely for you. I’m partially apologizing for my existence in general tbh.<- this is the tl;dr. It’s loooong af. You have been warned.)

I wore my badge wrapped around my left wrist and bracelets on the other.

A necklace (with a hanging circular pendant or sorts)

Glasses on my face

Asian person guy? 

Almost always had a black fan I was playing with/waving around (?)

Vague enough, but sadly it’s like … the only defining features I can think of about me.

Oh, also I breathe air.

Yeah, I think that’ll help. Probably.

Oh, uh … Re:Zero backpack. That too.

[I’ll be working on my apologies here, backtracking through memory.]

So my first apology goes out to the Zero Two cosplayer this Sunday, whose phone I accidentally picked up in a hurried rush thinking someone dropped their phone.

Like, my thoughts were caught between taking notes of the photographer’s directions (who was getting some pictures of her at the time), this being the last day of AN, and my wanting to somehow ask for a picture as well without interrupting the photographer’s picture shoot. When I noticed the phone flop out of the corner of my eye, I panicked & seriously thought someone was briskly walking off without it.

God, I’ve been lamenting that event ever since. I felt so bad about it & embarrassed. Like, how panicked she must’ve felt to have someone just thief her phone right in front of her (at least from what it probably & understandably looked like.)

I’m happy there was somewhat of an understanding of my mistake, but I honestly couldn’t believe what I just did to the poor girl. …there was no way I could ask for a photograph after that, let alone honestly look her in the eyes after that. I felt so ashamed arhggerang;dfang.

My friend spoke to me after I told him about it, and he said that it was an honest mistake - especially since it was such a split second ‘make it or break it’ decision. I still can’t help feeling horrible about it, though. I really meant well when it happened, I swear. ( ≧Д≦)

If this was you, the Zero Two cosplayer - I am so so so so so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could make it up to you, but hopefully, it didn’t ruin too much of your day if at all. I hope you enjoyed the convention despite that unfortunate mistake of mine. I really do hope so.

If you know her, perhaps forward the message? Anyway ~

This next apology goes out to quite literally every cosplayer I’ve ever walked by. I’m a super self-conscious & a spacially aware person by nature - really appreciative of all the work everyone’s put into their costumes & props, but my biggest caveat is that I am straight up struck with crazy social anxiety. I managed to work up the courage to ask 3 or 4 people for photos this whole weekend, but aside from that I only ever secured shots from designated photoshoots (or snuck in a photo from when cosplayers were posing for other people by their request.)  All the crazy cool outfits I recognized, and the fantastic individuals wearing them;

Just know that if you ever caught me looking at you with even the slightest glance that I truly wanted to ask for a photo/talk to you for a little while. (I hope I didn’t make things weird or uncomfortable too, aHHHH.) I do believe that these sort of things should be given appreciation if one takes notice. This is especially true for the arts IMO. The number of questions I’ve had about the way the lot of you have personally prepared your costumes are just … way too many in my head.

And there was an overwhelming number of individuals that fall into this category.

Yeah, like seriously - even after designated photoshoots with amazing cosplayers still lingering after the shoots, I haven’t the slightest idea how I could work myself up to personally ask for single shots by request. It’s a little bit pathetic, I know. Maybe next year I’ll be able to ask at least like … 10+ people? Pfftahah, I would hope so. It’s a personal problem, I understand. God, I wish I could. Moving on to my next point ~

So ~ uh … Re:Zero backpack. If you saw me on Friday, like yeahHHHH I was at the photoshoot too (without my good camera. Only my phone, so rip.) Also on that day wearing my all-time favorite sweater of the beloved Rem!

This apology kind of falls into the one above, but a little more personally? It just saddens me that I didn’t ask pretty much everyone cosplaying from the series for a photo, despite dying on the inside regarding how much I wanted to. Also the fact that I was tryin’ to rep the series as a normie congoer ((´д｀)). I just couldn’t do it.

Subaru from the photo shoot, I was lowkey jelly of you lmfao. (<- side note.) That one pose with all the Rems ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ. Man. You did have a brilliant expression when it came to the grieving pose, though. I was pretty impressed with it! Well done!

And dear Rem; the one whom I had awkwardly stood in the elevator with after the shoot - you did her justice & I had so much I wanted to say, but ahhhHHheagfdag;n. Regrets, and bad feels because of regrets;;. I am just so sorry. You seemed super cool too.

But ‘chea … that’s that.

And my final apology goes out to uh … the people at the dances? (Thursday & Saturday)

Okay, so I was pretty much sitting out on the sideline the whole time apart from the Back-On concert - h o w e v e r - I swear I exchanged some looks with a few of you. A n d - [ please correct me if I’m wrong ->] I know I looked like a loner but I was enjoying my time there with whatever energy I had left, I swear! (This is my plea that I hope none of you were feeling sorry for me.)

I’m not going to lie, I really wanted to get out there and dance too! My energy was well over drained, though. Can’t say that I’d be adding to the atmosphere if I did any more than a body pillow being tossed around the place, which is a shame. I think all I could do at that point was appreciate the music mixes (which were actually nice and actual tunes I’d personally jam out to.) It was cool seeing things liven up from the start.

I am sorry if I made things weird for any of you by sitting out the whole time. Legit, it would be disheartening to know that I did.

As a request for next time, someone please grab my dead ass and throw me into the pit; I enjoy dancing too much to stay down against the wall. I’d rather dance ‘till I drop, even if it’ll last for 3 seconds. It’d be a fun way to go.

You all looked like super fun people to dance with. Really lovely moves too!

- I n   c l o s i n g -

This is my heartfelt apology to just about everyone I’ve come across to some degree over the weekend. My message might not ever reach the eyes I intend for it to reach (as much as I may hope,) but regardless; I hope you all have enjoyed your time at Anime North 2018!

This has been your professional awkward turtle, signing out. [ till next time ]

[survivorjohto]

Ep. 1: “What I’m Trying To Say Is… This Is Going Down In History” - Lily

I'm fucking shook.  I just almost got rocked out (third time's the charm, though!) and now I'm sitting here with 9 most new faces.  That's good, tbh, because most of my pre-existing relationships are booty. I'll do a cast assessment soon-ish.  I need to just un-shook-ify myself.

I'm so shook at this tribe holy FUCK. My early goal is to actually take advantage of the Pokémon stuff in this game since I did that minimally in k*nto and I already started my egg counter thing and I'll do the pokeball challenge one at some point tomorrow 

I wanna fight isaac in the first 5 minutes.

I lowkey want to work with Jordan Pines because if i go to the end with him i know i can beat him. But then i remember its jordan pines and i probably should slit his throat before he kills me.

Hey ya'll! It's been a hot minute since my blonde ass has been in one of these games! Straight from the Malibu production camp, I'm here to do one thing: be the last hero standing. My goal here isn't to win, it really isn't. I just want to be the last hero standing. But anyway, I started this game the second I got here. I don't expect to get as lucky as I did in Kanto. So I stepped off the helicopter and pulled Jacob and Sara to the side and was like "THIS IS A THING AND IT'S HAPPENING". I knew I has Sara because we did that ™ in Burma. But Jacob was the hero I was worried about the minute I saw him. I had to get in his good graces so I spent 3 hours last night making sure he was closest to me on the tribe. The other people I don't have to worry about are Brian and Ash. Brian knows better than to fuck me over. I've been his final two and his host so I know the ins and outs of his game. But I approached Jacob and Sara with the alliance of me, them, Chrissa, Drew and Ash. That's the total majority of the tribe right now, and all of them want to work with me. Once it comes down to losing 4-5 of us, I know that they won't turn on me. The three who aren't in the alliance, Mitch, Brandon and Duncan... whelp, sorry? Mitch did that to me in All-Stars, and even though I told him clean slate, there isn't once. I hold grudges... I'm pretty sure these people know that by now. Brandon... it just never works out... I'm sorry bud, it's not personal. Duncan just scares me, the villains don't know him that well... and honestly, I'd rather him be gone sooner than later. He's very social and that could pose me a threat because he knows how I play, and we are not close at all.

The villains? I think I'm good with a lot of them. I do want to low-key work with Jordan P. But I don't want him anywhere near merge. I don't want to give him the opportunity to vote me out. Lily will be with Sara, so that's great. Isaac will hopefully work with me, and Jay and I are super close. I think I'm set this game... but whenever I feel too comfortable that's when I flop. 

 This is the real All Star season... it's time for me to shine.

Yo. Yo. Yo. This tribe is the best. Or at least, it is for me. This is literally the first time where I've actually felt SAFE about whenever my first tribal will be in a Pacific Islands series. Obviously, when you look at my wiki page, being safe at first tribal is a new concept. But lemme give the rundown of why this is so great. 

 1: JORDAN PINES It's ya boi. Everyone knows him. Everyone loves him. And those who don't love him, love to hate him. Personally, I'm in the first group, because he has been my best ally in any game, by far. He's the one who helped me get to merge in (Supreme) Polynesia, and if it wasn't for his death via rocks, I probably would've made it way further than I did, possibly to FTC. He and I have been super tight since then, and he was the only one who ended up helping me out and fighting for me in (Storybook) Westeros (Drew would've if he could've, but he couldn't, so). He and I started talking like, as soon as the game began, and right now we're using our egg clues to get closer and closer to what we'd assume is an idol. I got myself an item checker via my Girafarig, which is always nice, and if there's anything else, he and I are gonna find it. He's my reliable ticket to merge, and once we're there, possibly to FTC. 

 2: THAT KAREN BINCH Luckily, some time has transpired between Kanto and Johto, and even if Karen did vote me out in the original Pacific Islands Pokemon series, she's (most likely) fighting on my side this time. She and I have grown to be friends since then, and she was even the main force fighting for me in (Supreme) Albania, letting me know that everyone was apparently tossing my name around. In hindsight, this may not have been the best move, as it made me even more panicked than I originally was, since my name came up in Touchy Subjects for who everyone thought was going home next. I have since learned that nobody puts down the people they actually want to go home. But she and I have just been close since then, and I feel like she's going to be a really strong ally to have. 

 3: I MEAN HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN US OUR TRIBE IS FUCKING STACKED FOR CHALLENGES!!! THROW WHATEVER YOU WANT AT US, WE'LL KICK ITS ASS BEFORE THE HEROES EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT 'EM! Or at least, that's how it seems like it'll go. I could be wrong. But probably not. I mean, we have Jordan Pines, king of flash games. And everyone else here is pretty good. We've all got our little niche roles here (except Kylie, I dunno if many of us really know her at all), and mine is the Pokémon knowledge person. And the LazyTown memer, I guess. 

 4: Memes. The heroes tribe can't make memes like we can. We're villains number one. They're superheroes on the run. Look. 

What I'm trying to say is... This is going down in history.

So I hatchedt my 36 count egg and the tyrogue's note said I need a flying type but the problem with that is? There are 19 flying types introduced this gen and I have caught one (delibird). And there's a 25 percent chance of catching so I basically have like a 1 in 90 percent chance of getting this advantage right now shcjsjhfwh. I'd ask drew if he's hatched an egg but we're still kind of rocky from all stars so I hope I can build that trust up again 

(Later)

Oh my god also....one of the first PMs Duncan sent me in this game was "you're the Sara that dated Charlie right?" I'm sorry but DID you LEARN basic SOCIAL SKILLS and know that you don't mention people's exes GOTTA GO!!!!!!! He's first boot of this tribe if I can fuckn help it

Okay whew! I can't believe I decided to put myself through this fresh hell again just so I can be hosted by Allison again. On the flip side I'm very glad I got put on the heroes tribe, it's kind of like an honor? There are some gorls I know on this tribe I'm excited to be playing with for sure like Mitch. There's also some people that I have iffy relationships with like Brandon and Chrissa. Then we have the PI big wigs such as Billy, Brian, and Drew. All really big players, really big threats. I'm hoping to put together a flopstars alliance and have drew be a part of it as well and kind of put like an operation mean girls into effect. He can be Cady and report back to us what the Plastics are saying. Also you know what would be fetch this time around? Making jury!!! Lol

What_the_fuck_is_going_on.png Somehow in this game, I've managed to get an idol and an itemfinder before our first immunity challenge even finished. And there's a chance I could get even more stuff. This is... Wow.

 If there's any season I've got a chance of winning, it's Johto. I just have to decide who I want with me at the end. We've got me, Jordan Pines, Drew (I think he's in Johto asdfghjkl), Sara, and Billy as the possibilities.

if we lose because we crashed karen's computer with nsfw minion fanfic im going to kms

THIS IS THE REAL CAST ASSESSMENT SORRY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-KfRHdoJZg&feature=youtu.be

I'm a messy binch, but I'm here to prove myself.  Here are some things about each of my games that I liked and want back or things I want to fix! :)

 Kanto - I was antisocial, and that is a major no-no.  I did well in challenges, and we only went to tribal twice, but I was voted out the second time, and I freaked because I wasn't the first boot from my tribe and Steffen was.  Let's not do that again! 

Niue - My best performance.  I didn't feel tied down to anyone because I was Nicky.  I did gravitate towards people I knew, but even then, my closest ally was Kevin who had NO idea who I was, and I didn't know who he was.  I need to be like Nicky in the sense that I am a pure innocent soul, and I need to just be universally liked by my tribe. 

All-Stars - Just pay more attention. :,) 

Malibu - HIGHKEY the messiest season I've played so far, but that's my own doing.  I've been playing for other people like I did for Steffen in Aeolian (who I love to death, but I wish I didn't help him SO MUCH), and I don't want to revert back to that.  OH, and the other thing is that I need to make sure to not to tie myself down to too many people.  I need to make sure I have one or two people who I can completely trust (Billy and Drew in this game tbh), and just a bunch of side allies that I can go to if the need arises.  I can't get TOO attached and I can't play the middle.  I hate it.  The middle can die.

Honestly, truly, not into the fact that I was really the first person thrown under the bus immediately after losing, but I guess someone's gotta go first? Wasn't really expecting it to be me; I didn't think I was the only one who hadn't contributed. Guess it was a bad weekend to get sick. Sure as hell no mercy in this tribe, but hey, so it goes. If I make it through of this vote still in the game, it'll have been one hell of a miracle.

yall i feel like im gonna die but i think the plan is going thru smoothly, its prob just my PI First Tribal Anxiety messin with me again

I was inactive for the first weekend of this game. I'm scared for the vote but I think we're voting Kylie. Let's see shall we?

Everything has been mostly quiet on the home front in the last day or two but I've also been traveling so shrug emoji. I haven't had a ton of time to do the Pokémon stuff cause my last kurts challenge was a flash game and I was like rip I don't have a computer rn. I'm so shook to see who goes home on villains it better fucking not be lily or I'll go awf

I'm back in the Pacific Islands! After going premerge twice I'm testing my luck for a third time. I'm on the villains for some reason I'm still unsure why. I think it's because someone on the villains dropped and I could work for both heroes and villains. So I've aligned with pretty much everyone on my tribe except Stevie and Kylie so Kylie will hopefully be leaving us tonight. :)

So I came into this very terrified because I don't play survivor, but I am so happy with how everything has turned out. I am in an amazing tribe and love all of them. Mitch and Drew BEASTED That immunity competition and Mitch deadass sent me a fucking candle in the mail like LEGEND! I am having such a great time, but I know that now I have to stop thinking baout how much i love everyone and about who I am going to trust moving forward. I really trust Billy and Brian as well as Mitch and Sara! 

Billy - I beleieve Jordan Pines put it best: "No matter how clean the elimination is, Billy is always bitter about it." I love Billy don't get me wrong but he can seem to never let anything go and honestly if Billy was an early boot I wouldn't be that mad for 3 reasons. #1: Everyone loves him. #2: He literally takes everything so personally and #3: He's literally got Brian, someone who he was romantically involved with, on the same tribe as him. I beleive it was Jay in MvGX that said "power couples don't last" and I can see them becoming just that. Song: Dangerous Woman - Ariana Grande 

Drew - I'm like 91% sure that the only reason he's a hero is because they needed someone to balance out the villains' physical prowess. He is truly the sexy librarian trope. Song: Cheap Thrills - Sia (IDK WHAT I LIBRARIAN SALARY IS!) 

Duncan - I honestly have no idea who this even is? Song: Who's that chick -David Guetta and Rihanna 

Brian - I was thrown through a loop when i found out this fucking binch was put on the Heroes' tribe after what he's been fucking doing in Malibu like bye. I DO NOT TRUST BRIAN AT ALL!!!!! Honestly I feel like if this game does that switch that they did in TDAS he'll be the hero who goes to the villains' side. Song: Closer - The Chainsmokers and Halsey (because you gotta keep your enemies close huh) 

Sara - A firm 10/10 Song: Kitchen Sink - 21 pilots 

Mitch - Honestly someone I think I can wrap around my finger? We've werked together before and I think besides Jay he doesn't have many people to rely on. Song: Lean On - Major Lazer and DJ Snake. 

Jacob - All I know is he likes Danganronpa and that's good enough for me tru. PunPun always complemented his makeup as well. Song: Werk from Home - Fifth Harmony (IDK!?) 

Chrissa - I love Chrissa so much I hope we get to werk together. Listen. Chrissa is a good person and definately belongs on the Heroes tribe. Song: I need a Hero - The Fairy Godmother

Brandon - Karen's going to slay this one enough. Song: Space Jam Theme

Also, as a side note, talking to each other falls on both party's shoulders; I'm tired of the "we never talked" shit tbh

Hello hello, I'm back for Johto! Even though Johto is the region I have the least amount of experience with, I decided to sign up because Allison asked. And she called me a hero, so that's cool So looking at my tribe, it is a bunch of pure souls who I would hate to vote out. Ash, Chrissa, Brandon, and Sara (sort of) all usually get voted out premerge and I kinda would hate to watch that happen. Duncan and Drew are baes and I love them and I would die for them (probably), I'm only just now meeting Jacob and Brian, but they are cute and lovely people who I would hate to see go. And then there's Billy, who I have had a rocky relationship with since I voted him out in All Stars, but by all means this game is about mending our relationship, because I don't really want any bad blood between us. I'll gladly align with him if I can<3 We won immunity because I kicked ass on the design (not surprising), and Drew pulled it together for the description and contacts and stuff. Power duo already??? Expected. The tribe gave me 100$ for my hard work, which bless up I love money. It felt weird taking it from them even though they were really volunteering because TBH not a lot of people did anything. Like Drew and I are already setting ourselves up as a power duo and yikes. I spent my $100 on two ultra balls even though I could've bought a master ball to catch Lugia. As soon as I saw the announcement I nabbed the egg that required the most steps because submitting a message every 5 minutes isn't that hard for my antisocial ass. It hatched a Tyrogue, who told me I need to be catching flying type Pokemon. There are... 19 flying type pokemonm and I'm only allowed to have 6. And all of my pokeballs except 1 have failed, so obviously I'm gonna be relying on ultra balls to catch anything, even a damn Hoppip. So HERE'S A FUN I threw my first pokeball on a whim at a Skarmory and I caught it and he's hella cute. His name is Skye and I love him. I also caught a Crobat with one of my Ultra Balls, and he came with an EXP share, which is a vote revealer. Sorry Kendall, I love Crobat more than you and that's that point blank and period. I also caught a Deliberd thinking he'd have a gift, but alas. 

Pokemon Team: Skye the Skarmory Punchy the Tyrogue (real creative, I know) Cardamom the Crobat Klaus the Delibird

I hope this timing is okay for submitting a confessional and for it to not count against me...... 

 This game started while I was away for the weekend in Buffalo and I highkey did nothing for that immunity challenge. No one asked me to do anything and I really didn't have any ideas and it seems like other people did not do stuff either and it was mostly just Lily and Karen so I am not too worried about it. Also I heard the vote was for Kylie for being really inactive and it wasn't me so i can step my social game up from here on out. I like that me and Jordan are solid right now. Our alliance we have had with Karen since Izu may even live on in this game, but she always fucks it up so we shall see! Either way I like the villains tribe so far and I think I can do well here. It's gonna be an interesting game