#mutuals can rb if they want ill rb this a few times too

[hazardsoflove]

redmiller > hazardsoflove

anyway stream THEE concept album ever

i’m still tracking #tuserrobin and all that

[kaiserkisser]

welcome

" i'm tired already. after all, till the very end, i never did understand what i was born for. "

STATUS: SEMI-FREAKING OUT OVER EXAMS, BARELY ONLINE TILL THEY GET OVER

⋆ᯓ ᡣ𐭩 skylia, she/her, teen, minor

⋆ᯓ ᡣ𐭩 certified diehard xiao, kaiser, dan heng, dazai and chuuya kisser (im totally normal for them all i swear (im lying)), currently hyperfixating on bsd a bit too much

⋆ᯓ ᡣ𐭩 major dazai, mafuya and sigma kinnie

⋆ᯓ ᡣ𐭩 multifandom main/ interaction blog

⋆ᯓ ᡣ𐭩 IRL bestie- @damyoujackson (ur more slay bro ilysm)

── .✦ links:- about me || rules/byf || my beloved mutuals 1 | mutuals 2 || tagging system || carrd || important! || important 2 || about donation asks || notes challenge ✦.──

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ please note!

-please keep in mind that i shitpost and ramble and reblog a lot on this blog. also, please do read the rules and byf!

-i am intermittently active due to life, and may take from a few hrs to around a day or two to respond, depending on how im feeling. please dont mind that, thank you :)

-i use a lot of small emoticons and tonetags especially, and i keyboard smash and type in caps a lot. if youre not alright with that pls lmk/dm me and ill avoid it. i usually avoid interacting first bc im shy and awkward like that

-but if and when i do open up, i often interact a lot. if u dont like/want that, pls do lmk i will take no offence /gen

₊˚⊹ ⁀➴ ᰔ‧₊˚⊹ dni -> 18+ only blogs ,NSFW blogs, bots, haters, proshippers, general dni criteria. If i feel uncomfortable I will block you. Please avoid interacting with me if you are above 25-30 or so unless you know im comfortable with it (you can ask me first and interacts with my works though)

(other blogs utc-i mostly rb bsd stuff on bsd sb)

୨ৎ writing blog: @xiaosonlybeloved (i write for bsd, genshin, and bllk as of now)

୨ৎ mutuals ONLY can ask for my mootsonly and vent blogs, selfship sb: @lia-forever <3

୨ৎ bsd sb: @chuuya-kisser (insanely active there)

୨ৎ art sb: @skylia-draws

୨ৎ yukiyo rp blog (bsd oc) : @fallingdaydreams ; modern au dazai rp blog: @modernzai (pls interact with me lmfao)

୨ৎ 18! dazai rp blog: @mackerel-executive

୨ৎ sskk childhood friends akutagawa rp blog:@lil-rashoumon

୨ৎ if you find my old jjk blog good for you

࿔‧ ֶָ֢˚˖𐦍˖˚ֶָ֢ ‧࿔ currently doing: reading fics, (stu)dying, listening to music

putting this and this and this here bc i want to read everything

old pinned

thank you for your time :)

[barbatoskisser]

Hello humans! Quick warning - I spam sometimes and I just reblog ang type wtv. Consider this q blog full of whatever catches my eye. May contain smut but I try to keep this as sfw & friendly as possible <3

Pronouns here for those who want to compliment but dunno how <3 (i love you all, i need to update it, but its pretty accurate for now!)

Commissioms OPEN 0/5 link here for info

PSA - not terribly active due to irl reasons!! Dw, ill explain everything once I have a chance. But yeah, I'm mostly on discord because thats where a lot of my friends congregate. May still reblog occassionally. Asks are always open, just might take a min for me to respond !

Name

Adin River Barbatos

Age

19...somehow? I don't know either.

Pronouns

He/Its but if it/its just feels awkward to you, they/them is fine (in moderation). Primarily I use he/him though.

Rules / Guidelines

Very much basically just don't be an asshole to me or my mutuals and to protected groups. I support palestine and ukraine, gay and trans, and I'm far from neurotypical. I'm white too, but nyeh. Overall I dont support racism, zionism, homophobia, transphobia, and abelism. Be nice. Not as enforced but if your a minor and think "oh hey neat! A sfw adult blog!" Thats cool but dont be surprosed if I randomly rb a venti smut or spicy venti, lyney, xingqiu, or aether fanart. I fullhearted consider all above as adults and now willing to debate it. If you don't think so, just block me. If genshin ever says directly "[character] is under 18 years of age." And its one of the few, then no shit I'll get rid of this but otherwise it stays up. Eitherway, yeah, no promises i wont reblog spicy occassionally. Be warned and dont interact with that stuff unless ur a legal adult. Also, preferrably, keep drama to a minimum. If a mutual of mine, or someone ypu may think of as a mutual of mine, does something problematic send me a dm and be respectful about it. I'll investigate and if I find it absolutely appalling I'll no longer be friends with them. But just know 9 times out of 10, I really dont care about what my friends post about (see: "problematic" fics. I DON'T CARE. If it doesnt involve in real life humans, i do not give less of a shit.) Unless its in real life that someone did sonething illegal then I'll give a shit. Otherwise, yeah, i'll side with my friends. No offense.

Friends

@definesanity , @archaicanathema , @gunterdon , @unkownknowledge , @pale-value , just to name a few. They're all great [chefs kiss]. I'm always open to gaining more mutuals, but preferably be 16 or older. I don't understand gen alpha or anyone under 16. They confuse me. Henceforth; please be over that age otherwise I'll feel like I'm talking to a toddler. And i doubt you wsnt to be treated like a toddler. Anyone born past the 2010s atp is a toddler to me. I'm a 2005s kid.

Species

Am catboy future vtuber / streamer with secret human. Hint, a friend of mine. Also, if you ask my friend gunter, he'll say eldritch creature. So, honestly, who knows ~ ehe.

Fandoms/Interests

Hunter x Hunter, Genshin Impact, Ouran High School Host Club, Lunasmr audios, That Time I Got Reincarnated As A Slime...If its popular enough, I've probably watched it. I used to play Honkai Star Rail, but I've since fallen out of it. Kuma Kuma Kuma Bear, some others. Essentially, quite a number of modern isekai. Up to Overhaul arc of my hero academia with no plans on finishing, all of Hunter x Hunter, all of Dragom Ball Z, up to the universe tournament arc in Super, All of Slime in the anime adaptation. Though i do have webnovel spoilers. By the grace of the gods (pleasw someone yell at me about it. I beg you), Lowkey getting into Monkey Kid lego edition

Okay as I'm rewriting this I've watched a lot, and I mean a lot of shit. So ask me about a show if its not on here. The only ones I can say I haven't watched are demon slayer, attack on titan, naruto, and one piece. Maybe one day, but certainly not today. Currently about to start a few new series. On youtube I'm starting to watch Grian and Kaboodle. Damn their fun. I dont know if its on here, too lazy to check, but also pLEASE ALSO YELL TO ME ABOUT IRUMA KUN. I LOVE IRUMA KUN SM. I NEED MORE IRUMA KUN MOOTS.

Favorite character(s)

Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecss, Venti / Barbatos, Goku, Illumi Zoldyck, Ryoma Takebayoshi, Alluka and Nanika Zoldyck, Kurapika Kurta, Izuku Midoriya, Shouto Todoroki, Rimuru Tempest / Satoru Mikami, Milim, Veldora Tempest, Paimon, Xiao, Gorou, Lyney, Lynette, Arlechhino, Furina, Zhongli / Rex Lapis, Focalors, Karma Akabane, Korosensei, Nagisa Shiota, the rezt are kinda forgettable. Mavuika, Nahida, Mualani, Kachina, and more to come. I love so many different characters its not even funny.

Other Things

Congrats if you've read down this much! Here would be a secret code for a silly but the co-conspirator said no. You'll have to wait!

[mocweepe]

tagges by @irlteddycore , tyy💚💚💚‼

1. why did you choose your url?

i am autistic n i used 2 say i was autisming (positive connotation) when i was infodumping, stimming, n jus otherwise displaying common autistic behaviors. it soumded cool n being autistic iz fucking obviously an important part of my identoty so i said. fuck it!

2. any side blogs?

SO many, like 16ish? not gonna list em all but some are:

@qpeople - current events, history, mutual aid, etc.

@bahavah - lovecore blog

@tomurasheart - BNHA

@foresightwithglasses - (‼inaccessible‼) posts i tink could be helpful 4 my future self, nonmutuals do not follow!

and dis blog iz a sideblog!

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

ER... since 6th grade sooo... 6 years????? dis accs coming up 2 only 2 years old doh, iz my second.

4. do you have a queue tag?

i don tink i do. ive already 4gotten.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

last acc felt too cluttered, i wanted a bajillion sideblogs 2 organize stuff. dis blog specifically was og a trendercore sb, but it was when da aes jus started n dere wasn a lot of content so it quickly jus became a "me" space (since my mains aes)

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

my icon was a black n white photo of a goth 4 a long time n i jus decided 2 stick w da theme when i change it bc of cross imagery

7. why did you choose your header?

i was spamton themed 4 octoberish n i haven bothered changing it yet. besides i still like da lil guy :]

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

Probably da villain4villain 1 -_-

9. how many mutuals do you have?

an Amount 4 sure. uh if i had 2 guess probably over 10 but less dan 20.

10. how many followers do you have?

none T_T /j

11. how many people do you follow?

241

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

yeap

13. how often do you use tumblr every day?

O_O

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

once. some1 was being a dipshit on a friends post n i argued w dem. dey jus kept saying sum dumb shit till dey blocked me

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

da exact phrase "u need 2 rb dis" izn too bad depending in context but almost ne other related phrase iz so shitty. when folks say shit like "weird how no1s talking abt xyz when we were talking abt abc jus a month ago ://" and ESP "i see u not rbbing dis" make me go rabid like i will kill u.

da first iz usually some1 comparing tragedies or injustices like..... which iz jus a total slap in da face 2 da victims of da event deyre putting down, and da 2nd iz noting more dan a blatant lie dat can send ppl into paranoia!!!!!!!! like UGH dey infuriate me sm. jus make ur post w/o literally causing harm. it cannot be dat damn hard.

16. do you like tag games?

yes!!!! deyre always either questionares (LOVE talking abt myself) or picrews, both of which r usually fun. i don do all of dem (sum picrews rnt suited well 4 me or da post iz innaccessible so i jus don interact w it, and sum questionnaires jus require more effort dan i wana put in. esp shuffle song 1s cuz i can only do sm dere.)

only ting iz, i don generally tag ppl. i don like it, it makes me anxious LOL. but if ne1 Does like being tagged in dese games den let me know 👀👀 ill write ur url down n tag u from now on💚💚💚‼‼‼

17. do you like ask games?

YES 100% i love when ppl send me asks n stuff :]

18. which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

kurt and soda i know r sort of. i have several others who've made a few popular posts, so dey might be but idk lol i don like. give a shit yk

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

neope. a few friend 1s (as in mutuals i wana be friends w) but i don have da energy needed 4 da effort 2 make new friends rn :( hopefully soon!!!!!!

if ne1 wants 2 participate, consider urself tagged!

[oneustual-moving]

woohoo tag game !! ☆～（ゝ。∂）

thanks to @hwee-ing for tagging me! :]

(answers under the cut so i dont clog up ur dashes)

1. why did you choose your url?

bc the oneus obsession is too strong & oneustual just sounds fun to say in ur head! also i am everyones’ oneus mutual so <3

2. any sideblogs?

just @oneus1stwin !

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

since 2013 i think ? not w this blog obv but i was super young yikes

4. do you have a queue tag?

nope! so even though u see posts & activity from me most of the day, thats me in real time yikes!!

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog ever i started bc i liked doctor who 😔 yes one of those kids. & then i started this specific one bc i wanted to move blogs from my last one. not for any real reason just felt like switichin it up!

6. why did you choose your pfp?

dongmyeong:] <3 also bc the colors matched my layout

7. why did you choose your header?

hc i want ppl to know that even though im oneus-tual i am also onewe-tual and if come here then its a package deal babey 2 for the price of 1 its weus! also yonghoon pretty

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

the one w my uquiz where i guess ur oneus bias actually !! surprisingly ! it has like 220 notes

9. how many mutuals do you have?

probably around 300 technically. but alot of them are inactive. i have around 20ish that i regularly interact with & would consider pocket friends!! <3

10. how many followers do you have?

321

11. how many people do you follow?

323

12. have you ever made a shitpost

every minute of every day of my life <3

13. how often do you use tumblr every day?

whenever i have free time. so when im not doing school or housework. even if im watching stuff i’ll usually be on it bc or focus or whatever </3 too much!

14. have you gotten into an argument/fight with another blog?

i dont think so ? closest i came was someone telling me i couldnt have criticisms of the mdzs novel but i didnt argue w them & they were wrong so! i dont wanna get into details of my issues w the novel since that doesnt matter here, but im still right!

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this?’ posts?

some of them tend to be guilt trippy and compare serious issues against each other, but other than that theyre fine if like the sources are legit & any donation links are as well. i tend to rb them bc im not in the place where i can donate rn, so spreading the info is the second best thing i can do!

16. do you like tag games?

yes! i’ll just only do them like 10% of the time bc i can be lazy and put it off and then i forget and it gets buried in my notifs

17. do you like ask games?

YES!!! give me attention pls <3

18. which of your mutuals is tumblr famous?

i think it’ll be offensive tk them if i call them “tumblr famous” but i do have a few mutuals that r like big accounts & relatively well-known if that counts lmao

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

no but i love nd appreciate all kf them dearly <3 or like friend crushes if u call them that, by that meaning i want to be their friends but im too shy & mentally ill to consistently talk to more than one person at a time !! im sorry

20. tags?

@kingleedo @followfindyou @lovepaintt if u want ! & anyone else who wants to :)

[alittleemo]

thanks for tagging me gab @12monthoctober and eden @pianoandcookiedoughlover and faith @shades-of-greens <3 (i did not realize how many times i did not respond to this dfjhgjlkds you are all darlings <3)

1. why did u choose ur url?

i was tired at lunch one day and figured, ok im short, im also vaguely emo but not committed enough to go full out, so bam im both a little emo (as in noncommittal) and a little emo (as in short) <3

2. any sideblogs?

technically i have one now but i mostly have it to save the url, if i ever actually decide to start streaming ill prob make a blog specifically for that!! (though i think I’d use my alittleemo handle for it anyway so who knows then)

3. how long have u been on tumblr?

a little over a year now!! i think i made this blog in february of 2019 but started using it march/april of last year

4. do u have a queue tag?

i still do not know how to use the queue function dfjkhgkldjsjdflkh

5. why did u start your blog in the first place?

nearly all of my Pinterest feed was tumblr memes anyway so i figured why not go to the source of it all /hj. also i wanted to find more people into aftg and skam

6. why did u choose ur icon/pfp?

matching pfp with gab’s dsmp side blog!!! ae asked me if i wanted to match and i couldn’t pass up the opportunity :D (plus clingy duo / tommyinnit supremacy) i think it’s pretty fitting honestly <3

7. why did u choose ur header?

i love taking shitty pictures of jellyfish and i thought this one ended up looking really cool 

8. how many mutuals do u have?

13!! i have immense fondness for each of you <3

9. how many followers do u have?

39 babey!!!

10. how many people do u follow?

97 currently !!

11. have u ever made a shitpost?

what is anything i post if not complaining or making dumbass posts (affectionate)

12. how often do u use tumblr each day?

yikes. I mean like i am def here several times per day (its gonna be more now too now that its summer) but i feel like i sort of j scroll through my dash and only rb a few things compared to how much i actually see yk

13. did u ever fight/argue w another blog? who won?

no i hate confrontation but i also would rather j block someone trying to start smth w me

14. how do u feel about "u need to reblog these" posts?

going to steal celia and gab’s response bc yall are more coherent than me - sometimes it's too mentally draining to read abt terrible shit all the time. calm down. not everyone needs to read everything. i don't need ur guilt-trip rn. u can get across that a post is imp. w/o that statement. idk. sometimes i ignore them out of spite. i know that i rb a decent number of activism posts but i dont like those ones as much bc the guilt tripping isn’t the way to go

15. do u like tag games?

yes if u ever tag me j know i would instantly deliver cookies to ur house if i could <3 i do however often forget to respond to them until later (hi this tag is from over a week ago dfjkhgljdksh)

16. do u like ask games?

yes i love them immensely i j often again forget to actually finish them whoops

17. which of ur mutuals do u think is tumblr famous?

ik that i have a lot of relatively famous mutuals-in-law, but as for my own mutuals i’d say @lunawedlers and @lesbeanadiamcnll, i feel like yall have such good vibes in that respect <3

18. do u have a crush on a mutual?

like gab said, yes but platonically <3

tagging @coffee-and-moo, @alinastarkovaz, @lesbeanadiamcnll, @lunawedlers and any other mutuals who’d like to do so!!! (as always feel free to ignore as well <3)

[pumpkinpaix]

Hello! and PSA

*waves* hi everyone! so uh, I’ve kind of had a bit of a surge in followers recently, and I thought I would make a bit of a PSA/intro post with a bit more targeted info than my about page.

anyways, I’m cyan! statistically speaking, you are probably here for one of the following reasons:

my fic

my meta

my gifs

my translation

all of the above

this is pretty much an mdzs blog on main these days, but I also rb a lot of other misc things because I have never been good at keeping my interests separate. it’s also my personal blog, so expect some of that? i am very all or nothing ahaha. my opinions change very quickly as I process new information, so like, something I said last week or yesterday might be different now! I’ve seen several people going through some of my older posts, and I’m just like oh dear, I said a lot of things six months ago that I no longer vibe with. /o\ please keep that in mind as you go diving in my blog!

i don’t have a BYF or DNI policy, but I reserve the right to block anyone for any reason because this is a personal blog first and foremost, and I do need to be better about setting my boundaries and curating my own online space! on that same token, you are free to follow, unfollow, block, whatever, even if we’re mutuals. <3

you’re free to come talk to me in my inbox or dms, but please be aware that there’s a very high chance I will never get back to you /o\ it isn’t personal!! I am just very mentally ill and have many difficulties with keeping up social interactions or talking to people.

in the interest of trying to be more open about myself, my brain, and what that means for me in an online/fandom space, I’m gonna do a boatload of mental health talk under the cut (or, if you’re looking at this on my blog proper or somewhere where the cut doesn’t display, it starts right after this paragraph), including mentions of self-harm/thoughts of specific self-harm etc, just so you are warned! I’ve been thinking recently that it’s good to try and take steps towards being more open about my issues, both for my own sake and others’. It’s long, because one of the fun things about my mental illness is that I am hyperverbal ahahaha (if that... wasn’t already obvious orz)

so if you’ve read pfmmpd, you can kind of get a sense of what I’m working with. a lot of how i wrote lwj was drawn directly from shit happening in my own brain, but like? dial that up from the specific issues that lwj had in that fic and apply it unilaterally across the board to almost anything you can think of.

I hesitate to describe my OCD as debilitating, but only because my specific cocktail of compulsions and anxieties and triggers push me to be hyperachieving and hyperfunctional. I consider myself pretty fortunate (?) in that regard. on paper, you could never tell how absolutely batshit my internal landscape is! which is very good for me practically in that I can hold down a job, keep scholarships, graduate with honors, have good prospects for my future, hold onto relationships (usually yikes) etc. but the fact of the matter is, I’m like. oh boy.

to give you a peek, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that have triggered me to varying degrees of severity within the last like, week or so:

my dog

a chinese folk song

my mother reading a chinese haiku to me written by a young gay man

a chinese reader of my fic lovingly and gently giving me a history lesson on china and on mdzs while praising me

stepping on a piece of snow that didn’t collapse in the precise way i expected it to

writing meta

reading meta

ruminating on my triggers (honestly, I played myself)

seeing a twitter thread going around tumblr with decent information but the OP is someone who was exceedingly cruel to a good friend of mine

visiting my grandmother’s grave

deciding to visit my grandmother’s grave

discussing the concept of cuddling my partner whom i love and have been with for four years

self-harming (truly the height of irony, being triggered into self-harm and then getting triggered by the result of the self-harm hahahahahaha)

dropping off a package

trying to explain queer-coding to my parents

talking about stressors in my life related to covid19

having a very pleasant conversation with a person i admire

editing my translation

the fact that the “close” button on my accessibility sidebar on the translation website is the wrong color

choosing between eating all the shiitake mushrooms in my soup and purposefully giving myself a bad reaction or throwing one out and wasting food

thinking about playing a fun game with my partner and a mutual friend

my mom asking me to take a photo of some tea for her

my mom asking my opinion on a photo she was photoshopping

animal crossing

writing this fucking post HAHAHAHA

like!! it goes on!! endlessly! obviously, these triggers are not simply “bad” things. the chinese folk song and the haiku were both really beautiful and i love them! but I did spend a good amount of time curled up on my floor in the dark sobbing as i played the song on repeat. the haiku was one of the last straws that ended up with me screaming and crying and hurting myself. the snow??? like wtf the snow thing. I stepped on the snow and it felt wrong and my brain just started screaming SMASH YOUR KNEECAP. ???? (I didn’t, for the record, and I would never.) I love my partner very much! I love my friends very much, and my mother, and my grandmother etc. my triggers are infinite, unpredictable, and bizarre.

I’m saying all of this because I want to be clear that MDZS/CQL fandom specifically triggers me on a daily basis, sometimes very very badly. this is just a fact! it is no one’s fault! I have decided it is worth it for me to stay anyways. it is impossible for me to request people tag for certain things because I myself have no idea what my triggers are until I encounter them. It’s like a fun mystery boss encounter! sometimes it’s low level and i’m well-equipped to handle it. other times it’s a one-hit KO. We just don’t know! there are lots of very cool content creators in this fandom that I can’t follow because it would make my dash that much more high stakes. the original source canon material triggers me! all the events leading up to Lotus Cove massacre? I was shaking at work for three hours after consuming it for the first time.

Meta specifically is something I know a lot of people like me for, but it’s 100% the most triggering activity I participate in for this fandom. like, that suibian meta post I wrote that’s currently going around? Probably took me four or five hours of concentrated effort to write because I was compulsively panicking and rewriting and editing and panicking more and qualifying and editing and qualifying some more and then debating whether I should post it or not and then fighting with myself about my wording and then immediately regretting it and then every time someone commented on it (regardless of positive or negative!) my anxiety spiked. I started a reply to a response on that post and had to stop after a few minutes because I was already starting to trigger myself over it.

this is actually a pretty good outcome when it comes to meta! I recognized that I was hurting myself before I got any further, and I only spent like, five hours on it! it was good exposure therapy for me! the bad outcome is. well. bad, as you might imagine lmao.

I like writing meta. I like talking to people about it too! I like participating in fandom, I like writing, I like translating, I like all of these things. they’re just also really hard for me! there’s a couple meta requests sitting in my inbox right now that I want to get to, but it might take me like. a long time because of. you know! *gestures* Everything takes me a long time. that first chapter of the translation took me literally five months from beginning the project to posting a final edited version. It’s just over 1k words. D8

I try really hard to be chill and kind in public and I largely think I succeed on the kind part (I hope!). If you thought I had even an ounce of chill before this, perhaps I have disabused of that notion entirely now lmao. I’m not saying this for pity, but like? just so we all know what we’re dealing with here. I don’t want anyone to get hurt when I don’t engage with them or feel snubbed if I never reply to them. and also like, hey, if someone relates it’s like hooray, high fave, solidarity! we’re not alone in this world! or maybe this will help someone understand OCD a little better! I don’t know. I hope this post is a positive thing. BUT! I’ve spent three hours on it already, and i’m definitely starting to compulsively spiral, so instead of going back and editing it over and over, I’m just going to post it. thank you everyone for your understanding! I hope you enjoy your time on my blog! (*´▽`*)

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence