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lord-valery-mimes · 2 years ago

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The Phantom of Manhattan - A Painful Recap

When I read a brief bulleted list showcasing all the craziest things in this book, I knew I had to read it. I was 42% of the way through it at the time I wrote this paragraph, and good grief, it's all more ridiculous and terrible than I could have ever imagined. So of course I decided that I should write a full recap of the whole horrible thing. Strap yourselves in tight folks. This is a bumpy one.

The book opens with Madame Giry narrating the story, even though she's supposedly drugged up and in horrible pain on her deathbed. Those French women are made of strong stuff. She confesses to rescuing Erik from the freak show where he was imprisoned (so that's where the 2004 Phantom film got that idea). She then brings him back to her flat that she shares with a seven year old Meg, and proceeds to nurse him back to health. Because yes, any working single mom with a young daughter at home would of course be totally down with bringing a strange, disfigured, mentally unstable teenage boy into their home. She proceeds to talk about how she eventually smuggled Erik into the opera, and how he was able to build himself a home and life in the cellars there. Because that makes sense. “Just stick him down there. It’ll be fine!”

His crimes at the opera are glossed over entirely. Joseph Buquet wasn't murdered, he committed suicide, don’tcha know? And Piangi? Oh that was just an unfortunate accident (simply an accident!), Erik only wanted to keep him quiet! His only crime was FALLING IN LOVE. Jesus Fucking Christ. Madame Giry dies, but not before paying someone to go to NY, find Erik, and give him a letter.

Chapter two and suddenly it's Erik himself who is telling his story. About how Madame Giry stuck him on a boat after the events of the musical, and how he spent four weeks crossing the Atlantic. Also how he managed to jump overboard in the middle of winter, and swim FOR AN HOUR without getting hypothermia and dying, just so he could bypass immigration. He finally drags himself ashore on Coney Island, where, conveniently enough, there is an entire gang of disfigured, down-on-their-luck types sitting around a fire, and they don't give a rat’s ass that some bedraggled guy with a messed up face just came out of the ocean like the most disappointing mermaid.

This group makes a living cleaning fish, but Erik is SO smart, and SO clever, that he quickly finds a way to amass a small fortune and make his way up in the world. He even gets a sidekick, a random teenaged boy named Darius who we find out was a sex worker, which in this story makes him the literal embodiment of evil. With Darius as the face and Erik as the brain, they scheme and thieve their way to fortune. Yay, America!

I almost forgot the best part. Because their scheming and thieving requires Erik to sometimes be out and about in the daylight, he has someone make him a latex clown mask (something that Google informs me wouldn't be invented for another twenty-odd years), and he hits the town dressed up as a literal clown. Just… close your eyes and picture the Phantom, full clown face, complete with red nose and oversized shoes, casually strutting around Coney Island. This is no angel of music!

Before you know it, Erik is building the tallest skyscraper in all of New York and designing himself a cushy penthouse suite at the top so he can take off his clown mask and relax in peace away from prying eyes. If he's this clever and good at making money, why didn't he do the same in Paris and live somewhere other than in the dank and dark basement of the Opera Populaire? I’m just sayin’…

Chapter three and we’re shifted to yet ANOTHER character. The poor bastard who’s been tasked with Madame Giry’s dying wish: to deliver her letter to Erik. This man is SO angry, and SO French, and SO unhappy to be in NY where there is no good food or wine, and I honestly wish the whole story had been about him instead. He can't find this Erik Mulheim, even though he was assured that it would be so EASY, given the weird name, and the fact that he was told to look for a guy with a messed up face. Frenchy is about ready to give up and go back to France when…

Chapter four! Yet ANOTHER narrator, this time a reporter for a newspaper, who is just trying to enjoy a hot fudge sundae, when he happens upon our angry Frenchman. The reporter makes the mistake of wishing him a badly pronounced “Bon-jewer Mon-sewer”, and instead of recoiling with disgust at this butchering of his native tongue as any good Frenchman would, the man starts lamenting in French to the unsuspecting reporter, who instead of politely excusing himself so he can eat his sundae in peace, rushes to find someone who can translate for this clearly overwhelmed guy. Somehow the reporter manages to find someone who not only speaks French, but who also has a guess as-to who this mysterious Erik Mulheim might be. Could it be the mysterious man who just built that big-ass skyscraper? The guy who no one ever sees but is a multi-millionaire and an extraordinary entrepreneur?

Now the reporter and Frenchy are buds, and they head to the skyscraper together, because the reporter is hoping he could be the first person to unmask this mysterious character! What a scoop! Unfortunately Darius intercepts them both, and insists on taking the letter to its owner. Frenchy is just happy he can finally leave, and get back home where his wife's ample buttocks are waiting for him to snuggle into. Yes, he literally says that.

Then stuff starts to get REALLY weird. The narrator shifts to Darius, who is literally high as fuck and having a conversation with a god. I’m not joking. Darius is worried because Erik has suddenly gone opera crazy, paying millions of dollars to have an opera house built, and staying up all night writing music. WHAT COULD HE BE UP TO? Darius is worried that this might affect his chances of inheriting Erik’s wealth someday. The god tells him to chill out, but is also like, “But kill him if you think you gotta.” Alright then. Nothing at all ominous about that.

This gimmick of every chapter being told by a different narrator is jarring, but I’m willing to deal with it, if we get to hear more from Gaylord Spriggs, who writes an enthusiastic column about gossip around New York opera. You see, when the Met refused to give Erik a private box, he went, “Oh yeah? Well I’ll make a whole new Opera house then! So there!” And not only is he building his own opera, he's paying insane amounts of money for the two greatest sopranos alive to come and sing there. SUCK IT MET! And one of them is none other than Christine de Chagny. Where have I heard that name before?

Then things get really boring as an old Irish priest tells his entire life story to Pierre: Christine and Raoul's son. Do we really need to know all this? Apparently when a fellow cast member of the opera suddenly keeled over of a heart attack during a performance, the Irish priest was summoned to deliver his last rights, and Christine was all, “Hey, wanna tutor my son?” I mean, I guess I can think of weirder ways to get a job.

Another chapter, and another newspaper report, by yet another reporter, this one discussing Christine's arrival with much pomp and detail. Christine reveals that it was the sheer BEAUTY of the brand new opera by an “unknown American composer” that convinced her to come all the way to New York. She also reveals that the opera is set during the American Civil War, something that I’m sure Erik, a French guy with no formal education, knows loads about. I can't wait to hear more about this.

The reporter sees the need to mention that he sees a strange masked figure standing on top of a warehouse, something that I’m sure a reporter covering the arrival of an opera star would totally do. A big to-do is also made about the fact that there is a *gasp* puddle of slush stopping Christine from getting in her carriage, when suddenly a reporter swoops down with a cape that he flings over the puddle, and crisis averted! I always thought the “throwing a coat over a puddle” thing was so stupid since cloth absorbs water, and the second she steps on it, the puddle will just seep right through and get on her shoes anyway. But whatever, I’m not the one writing this stupid story.

We're back to our first reporter, the one who attempted to get in the penthouse to meet the elusive Phantom millionaire. It looks like we'll be hearing a lot from him, so his name is Charlie Bloom. Charlie describes Christine as “big bagels in the opera world”, and I need to find a way to work that into everyday conversation now. Unsurprisingly, he is the reporter who covers the puddle with the cloak that was given to him by a “mysterious person” in the crowd. My god, who could that mysterious person have been? Apparently his puddle act was so GALLANT that of course Christine invites him for an interview.

We’re quickly introduced to Meg Giry who is now lame in one knee and weirdly also Christine’s maid. This is basically all we see or hear from her in this story. At least it's better treatment than she gets in Love Never Dies.

A bellboy comes up at the same time as Charlie with a gift for Pierre, Christine’s son, and it’s our old friend the barrel organ monkey music box. Pierre just starts tearing the thing open with his clever little hands, clearly to hammer home how STRANGE and DIFFERENT he is. When he turns the musical disk inside the monkey over, it starts playing Masquerade and Christine loses it. She demands to be taken to the store that made the music box. Because that… makes sense?

Back to Erik who’s heart is simply aflame after seeing Christine, even from far away. He drops this gem of a description on us, “the face and smile to break a block of granite clean in two.” Sir, what does that even mean? You are describing a sledgehammer. He reiterates that he gave the reporter his old opera cloak to cover the slush puddle, you know, just in case we weren’t able to connect the dots on our own. Clearly the author thinks that anybody who would bother to read this book must be a moron. Sadly, I think he was correct, because reading it is certainly one of my biggest life regrets now.

Erik tells us of the letter he received from Madame Giry, wherein she retells the story of how she apparently met Raoul as a young man, and saw him get his dick or balls (Madame Giry is a LADY so she doesn’t go into detail) shot off after saving a girl from a ruffian with a gun. Madame Giry lets the Phantom know this, because apparently since Raoul has zero dick or balls, that must mean that Christine’s child is the Phantom’s? So like… they had sex and he just never mentioned this in all his narration? Did they go in a hot tub together and an errant sperm just… Swam its way in? Like… what happened here? Erik never explicitly states that they did the nasty together, so we’re left kind of guessing. Is Pierre an immaculate conception?? You know that if they’d done the deed together, Erik would NOT have shut up about it, and would probably have written a full aria just about Christine’s vagina. I refuse to believe that they just had normal sex and then went their separate ways because it makes no sense. But then NOTHING has made sense in this book so far.

Meg’s turn to narrate now. Please Meg, help me make some sense of this madness. She retells the whole story of the music box monkey. WE JUST READ THIS TWO CHAPTERS AGO! Meg just repeats verbatim the end of the musical, how the Phantom abducts Christine and there is an implication that he either raped her, or she “couldn’t resist” him. Ewww. That’s all I will say about that. That, and men need to stop writing stories with gross consent issues.

Yet another narrator, someone named Taffy Jones. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. He is the Official Funmaster of Steeplechase Park on Coney Island. Ok, maybe I care about him a little. He’s been instructed to open the park for Christine to let her see the toy shop and the Hall of Mirrors. Gee, I wonder what could be waiting for her in there? Of course it’s Erik who begs Christine to stay with him, but she refuses. She loves Raoul! Erik demands she give him his son right there and then. She’s all, “Gimme five years,” meanwhile Erik’s creepy sidekick is eavesdropping. Christine leaves and Erik is all, “Five years? Pfft. He’s mine and I will TAKE him.” No bueno, Erik.

It’s the Irish priest’s turn to narrate now, and he’s talking to god. Literally. Like we read what God responds to him as a dialogue. Who wrote this garbage? Oh right, Frederick Forsyth, esteemed British novelist. The priest confesses to lusting after Christine and God is all, “Of course, she is beautiful.” Ew! WTF, God? Apparently he was lusting after her while he was listening to her confession, so this is all kinds of fucked up. Then he tells God her confession and God just casually drops that there are lots of gods. Man, this book is wild and misogynistic.

This next chapter is by everyone’s fave, Gaylord Spriggs. He reviews the Phantom's new opera that he wrote for Christine, which is basically a cross between Gone With the Wind and… Well… The Phantom of the Opera. The lead tenor mysteriously starts croaking during intermission, and an “unknown” understudy takes his place for the second half of the opera. I suppose at least the poor croaking tenor was spared being strangled. RIP Piangi.

Another newspaper column, this time by Amy Fontaine. I really am so weary of this multi-narrator format. If this Frederick Forsyth guy hadn't already been a celebrated author, and the Phantom musical hadn't been such a big hit, this overblown fanfic would never have made it past any publisher with more than one brain cell.

Anyway, Amy Fontaine is reviewing the post-opera party for a social column, and the funniest bit is that Christine meets not just one, but TWO United States presidents as Teddy Roosevelt himself shows up along with his niece and future president FDR. Irving Berlin also shows up and it's like the author was trying to cram in as many historical time period big names as he could as Easter eggs, but instead of being subtle and clever like an Easter egg should be, these are neon signs that Frederick Forsyth is shoving in your face while he screams at you.

Chapter sixteen is a literal lecture. It's like the author just keeps making this book as torturous for the reader as he can. And it takes place in the future too, around the end of WWII. You know I started writing this review because I thought it might be funny, but now I am full of regrets and pain. But onward I soldier. If it stops anyone else from having to read this brain enema of a book, it will be worth it.

Anyhow, this lecture is being given by none other than Charlie Bloom, who after years of being a reporter, seeing wars and the Holocaust, has apparently seen NOTHING so tragic as the shit that's about to go down between Christine and Erik. He recaps almost the whole book again, including the part we just heard about in the last chapter where he tosses in yet another celebrity just for good measure, since two US presidents apparently weren't enough. He mentions that Buffalo Bill was there, and just for my own entertainment I’m going to imagine it was Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. I’ll bet Christine could sing a killer version of Goodbye Horses.

Anyhow, Charlie stole a note that Erik slipped to Christine at the party. In the note Erik begs her to let him say goodbye to his son one last time, and to meet him at Battery Park. With this inside info, Charlie’s able to warn Raoul and the priest nanny guy when Christine and Pierre suddenly are missing. Charlie also apparently wrote something on his cuff in Latin that he didn't understand back when he heard Darius shout something on Coney Island. Charlie is wearing that EXACT cuff again, and of course the priest knows Latin, and it apparently says something like “the son must die!” It's a convoluted mess of Deus ex machina that any third grader could have improved upon.

Charlie, Raoul, and the priest all rush to the park and Charlie is literally like, “I’ve gotta explain this all to you in SLOW MOTION”. They get there just in time to see Pierre run to his mother's arms just as Darius fires a pistol at him. Surprise, surprise, he winds up shooting Christine instead. Gee, I didn't see that coming.

Somehow Erik has managed to add crack-shot to all the life skills he’s acquired since his opera days, as he pulls out his own pistol, takes one shot and hits Darius square in the center of his forehead.

Christine is literally dying in her son's arms and she's all, “That's not really your dad, see that freak in the mask? THAT'S your dad. Sorry ‘bout it!” Then she croaks. Not even exaggerating. The next line is literally, “Then she died.” Way to give your kid more PTSD, Christine.

Piling on the PTSD, Raoul decides to tell Pierre “Yep, I’m not your real dad, I’m gonna take your dead mom back to Paris. You are now a man, so come with me to bury your dead mom, or stay with your freaky-masked real dad.”

Charlie’s narration takes a weird detour mid-scene where he suddenly talks about going to interview the priest. Apparently the priest decided to move to the slums of the lower-east side after all of this nonsense happens? I mean it's not the weirdest thing that's happened so far in this book, so I’m not sure why this detail irritates me so much, but it does. But apparently he told Charlie that when all this shit was going down, as he prayed while Christine was dying, he heard the Phantom's soul screaming like an albatross. I take back all my negativity, I love this book now.

Pierre goes to Erik and removes his REAL father’s hat and mask. Charlie says that he's seen drowned corpses and bodies in every manner and state of decomposition, but never has he seen a face like THIS. Despite the face though, of COURSE Pierre decides to completely forget about the guy who's raised him as his son his entire life, and go live with this stranger with the fucked-up face, in a country thousands of miles away from the one home he’s ever known. Because what thirteen year old wouldn't do that?

Erik never wore his mask again. The end.

I thought nothing could top Love Never Dies for sheer inanity, but this certainly takes the cake and drops a whole chandelier on it. RIP Christine, and my entire brain.

#The Phantom of the Opera #The Phantom of Manhattan #book recaps #Love Never Dies

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