#mr. johnny sims if you’re reading this i just want you to know.

[podcast-hemocytoblast]

At least two species within the goblin spider family (family Oonopidae) — Heteroonops spinimanus and Triaeris stenaspis, in case anyone is wondering — are believed to be parthenogenetic (in other words, they can develop an embryo from an unfertilized egg). So, with this in mind, do y’all think there’s ever been some unlucky Web Avatar out there who went to a routine appointment at the gynecologist only to get the news that they’re the next Virgin Mary and they’re gonna give birth to Web Jesus?

[spectrumed]

7. identity

The aesthetic of suffering, the allure of victimhood, it’s important to acknowledge that to many people, the idea of struggling with mental illness is hot. A common trope in teen dramas is the existence of the sexy bad boy haunted by demons of depression or addiction or some other psychological malady. Women with mental illness tend to be sexualised, less, but then again, women are most typically always sexualised, no matter the state of their mental health. But it’s not just a case of some people finding mental illness to be attractive in others, many see mental illness in themselves as something to take pride in, to celebrate and nurture. To seek out a diagnosis, to infiltrate communities that exist to provide support to those in need, and to declare themselves as being special. Fakers, you could call them. Yes, we’re going to be entering into dangerous grounds here, talking about a potentially incendiary topic that might feed the flames of controversy, but it’s a topic worth discussing. Self-diagnosis. Is self-diagnosis valid or not? Should one self-diagnose? Is it ableism to be against self-diagnosis? Is it ableism to be for self-diagnosis? Is it ableism itself ableist? I don’t know, sweetheart, you are asking a whole bunch of questions and I am hungover… But let’s go on rambling about what it means to be labelled neurodivergent.

Do you have an identity? Do you root for a particular sports team? Do you like a particular kind of music? Do you dance a lot? Are you a dancer? What are you? Simply stating that you’re just “a human” probably won’t do. Sure, it’s correct, but I am also a human, and we could be two very different kinds of people. Your identity should be that certain something that makes you stand apart from the rest, that distinguishes you from the squirming mass of flesh that is the whole of humanity. There are plenty of things about you that do figure in your identity, even though you wish it didn’t. You’re black, you don’t wish to always be “that black guy over there,” but you’ve come to realise that’s just how society views you. Maybe you are a transwoman, and you very eagerly want your friend to stop introducing you as her “trans bestie.” You’re just a woman, you don’t need her to keep labelling you as trans, even though that's what you are. There are many ways we can change our identity through direct personal action. Maybe you could start wearing a hat, and be known as “that hat guy” to the people you work with. Maybe you could embrace a punk aesthetic, looking like young Johnny Rotten stepped into a time machine and got transported to the current day. Actions like these can have a big or small impact on how others see you, but it feels good to be able to make a decision like that and get a response. This is me, this is what I am. I’m the guy who wears bow-ties, don’t I look cool? If only shaping your sense of self always came down to personal decisions like that. You don’t always have a choice.

I’ve lately been watching some Conan O’Brien (American TV talk show host who’s recently decided not to be a TV talk show host) clips. I am sure I don’t need to explain who Conan O’Brien is to my readers, but just in case this is being read by aliens ten-thousand years from now, what I can tell you is that Conan O’Brien is well known for being freakishly tall. Like, really tall. He’s an elongated leprechaun. He’s turned being tall into one of his trademarks. Like many comedians, he’s come to use his corporeal form as a source for levity and fun. While, naturally, the man did not choose to grow as tall as he did, he’s come around to use his height not as a hindrance to success, but rather as an asset. He’s “that tall irish guy on the TV,” and he’s been that person for nearly thirty years. It pays to have some distinguishing feature if you wish to be distinguished. Mr. Joe Average might be perfectly funny and charming, but being an average-looking guy can be wholly detrimental in making a career for yourself as a funnyman. At least get yourself some weird voice, or something. Maybe pretend to be some foreigner and put on a fake accent. As a comedian your job is to be exploited, you wish to be made into a commodity to be sold. People will want to watch your special because of that funny face you pull in the thumbnail. To be different can be financially lucrative.

What’s the best approach in turning something that could be perceived as an abnormal feature into something that is beneficial to you? To make jokes about it? Certainly, if I were to meet a man with a heavily scarred face, I feel there’d likely be a tension between me and him that could be dispelled if that man with the heavily scarred face made some little joke about his appearance, some little quip. “I’m sorry, I cut myself shaving this morning,” would do. The person isn’t obliged to justify his existence to me, he does not have to go out of his way to make me feel less uncomfortable. I am the one in the wrong, certainly. I shouldn’t look at a person with a heavily scarred face and feel uncomfortable, that’s me letting prejudices get in the way, I know that. But, it is what it is. If you’re looking for a practical solution, telling people to simply get over themselves and learn to not be so awkward around folks with physical deformities won’t do. It may be the right thing, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. I am sure that the man with the heavily scarred face isn’t interested in being defined by his heavily scarred face. He's probably sick and tired of that little joke, and wish he didn’t have to make it. But it does the job. Suddenly, you are not looking at something to be feared, the other, you are looking at a person, and someone with a sense of humour. The importance of humour in eradicating stigma, making it possible for the ostracised to enter in society, cannot be understated. Through humour, you can convince most everyone that you are someone worthy of inclusion, because… well, you’re just a funny guy, who doesn’t wanna hang out with you?

For those who have grown up not feeling normal, worrying that there are aspects of your character that others may perceive as unwanted, the yearning to be liked can at times become excruciating. I like to consider myself a funny person, while this blog isn’t intended to be a humorous one, occasionally small little jokes will squirm their way to the top, like worms coming up to the surface during a rainstorm. I am also a cartoonist, and produce a new cartoon every other day. My humour isn’t universal, no good humour ever is universal, but it’s done good in getting some folks to like me. Some people want to be admired, some people want to be feared. I only want to be liked. The one thing I absolutely do not want to be is pitied. I don’t want your pity, I fear your pity.

You’re probably familiar with The Sims, right? It’s a life simulation game, where you control a little digital human, known as a sim, and try to help them make the right decision through life. Each sim has a number of meters that measures their current needs. Hunger, hygiene, energy, if they need to urinate or defecate (though, frankly, the distinction between the two isn’t made in the game, so one can assume that sims are like birds and have just one cloaca that does both,) and so on. One of these meters is for social activities. If a sim hasn’t been social in a while, they go nutty. What’s interesting here, the reason why I bring it up, is that in real life, though we all (to a lesser or greater degree) crave to socialise with others, what kind of socialising you do is of a very big importance. There are a myriad of ways in which one can be social, and depending on your needs at the time, one kind of socialising may not do, whereas another kind of socialising may be just what you need. Do you want to hang out with your pals, cracking jokes and maybe drinking a couple of beers? Do you want to have a serious conversation with your partner about what you wish to accomplish together? Do you want to play with your dog? These different social situations scratch different parts of your mind, and you can’t just substitute one for the other and think that’s all alright. A person may have tonnes of friends, lots of buddies to spend their time with, but they may still desperately be yearning for another kind of social interaction, one that none of their friends can deliver. The human need for company is more complex than how it is depicted in The Sims… which, to be fair, probably shocks nobody. The Sims doesn’t pretend that it’s some highly realistic simulation of real life, it’s a game meant to be played for fun. But what’s important here is the fact that while humans do have a need to be social, how that need is fed changes dramatically on the person, and their conditions. Socialising that may bring comfort to one person, may bring discomfort to another person.

I don’t want you to pity me. I may list my diagnoses, I may tell you of the difficulties that I face in life, but I do not want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to be entertained reading this, I don’t want to make you weep thinking about how cruel life can be. I don’t want you thinking I’m special, or different, because of my diagnoses. I want you to think I’m special and different because of my writing. Sure, this blog is about living with autism spectrum disorder, but I don’t want you reading this blog just because it’s about autism spectrum disorder. I want you to read this because, while it is about a diagnosis you are interested in learning more about, you also find what I write to be well-written and at times, mildly humorous. This blog isn’t my rabid manifesto detailing all the ways my life sucks, and what must be done by society to appease me. Nah, I’m doing relatively fine, don’t feel bad for me, please. I don’t want that kind of attention. I do want attention, I won’t lie and tell you that I don’t have an ego, or that I don’t get pleased seeing people like the things I put out there. I do have a social need, it’s just that being pitied does not do it for me. It doesn’t make me feel good. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel sad. It really makes me feel mad.

We’re finally getting around to the topic I promised I would discuss. Self-diagnosis. A principal concern people have with self-diagnosis is that people only self-diagnose in order to receive pity from others. The difference between someone like me, who’s got a proper official diagnosis, and someone who is self-diagnosed, is that I don’t want your pity. I don’t want you to fetishise my diagnosis, this thing about me that I did not choose to be. I don’t want special favours just because of my diagnosis, I don’t want to be known as “that cartoonist with autism.” I am autistic, I’ve come to accept that, but I don’t want anyone to introduce me as “their friend who’s on the spectrum.” Some may accuse me of self-loathing, treating being autistic like some bad thing that I am ashamed of. But that’s not it. After all, I did start this blog to discuss what it is like. I just don’t want to be defined by this certain something that lies outside of my control. I don’t want it to be my “thing.” I don’t mind being referred to as a hairy cartoonist, because I am pretty hairy. I don’t want to cut my hair any time soon (especially with this plague going around.) No-one would pity me just because I am hairy. At most they may regard me as a good-for-nothing beatnik, and I’m okay with that. Ideally, I still want to be liked, but anything is better than being pitied. To be pitied is to be robbed of your own agency, your own potential. Sure, it gets you that attention you may be craving, but at the cost of infantilization. Autistic people often struggle with being infantilized by society, to the point where some folks don’t even realise that there are autistic grown-ups in the world. Anyone who would voluntarily seek out a diagnosis just to be pitied, well… it doesn’t sit right with me. It makes me, quite frankly, feel demoralised.

But not all people self-diagnose just to get pity from others, right? For some it’s genuinely their only option, likely living in a barely-functioning country like the United States where receiving psychiatric care is expensive and it’s just not something they can afford. It’s unfair of me to phrase self-diagnosing as just a quest to receive pity, it’s way more complicated than that. And yes, I’d have to agree. To know all the reasons why a person may self-diagnose, you have to go personally ask them. Even if it is possible to highlight a few certain trends, things that they all have in common, it’s bound to be impossible to make this one sweeping generalisation to explain everything. All I am saying is that there absolutely are those people who do self-diagnose with the explicit goal of getting pitied. Whether they are knowingly faking their condition or not, to them, being pigeonholed as a person with autism isn’t at all a negative. It’s their identity. It is how they have chosen to let the world see them. They made a choice. They chose this label. This is why many people who have official diagnoses are sceptical of those who've only got a self-diagnosis. Whether your self-diagnosis is accurate or not, in the end, you chose to identify yourself with it. You made a decision, oblivious of the fact that many people don’t get to make that kind of a decision, and they may bear resentment for how you are turning something they’ve faced ostracization for, into what is potentially on the same level as listening to a certain kind of music, or being a supporter of a sports team. A diagnosis is not something you should choose to have.

There are other things to say about self-diagnosis. First of all, it can be dangerous. Some of the diagnoses I’ve seen people give themselves are really serious, things like personality disorders or psychosis. Psychiatrists are very careful when putting these kinds of labels on people, knowing the harm that it can do. A diagnosis is meant to only be given after careful deliberation, and after long conversations with the patient. Psychiatrists know that reducing a person to a set of symptoms can have detrimental effects to that person’s sense of self. If you’re trying to cling on to a diagnosis, seeing it as a major part of your identity, then that may hamper any attempts you make to become a better person, to improve your mental health. You will feel as if you need to correspond to the exact specifications of the disorder, and you will not allow yourself to grow naturally as a complicated human being, a human being whose internal life is far too vast to be fully rounded up with some psychiatric jargon. There are plenty of things about me that do not line up with the diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder, and guess what, that’s quite good actually. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have autism, I very much do, but I realise that as a person, I am more than just my diagnosis. The diagnosis does not define me, I define the diagnosis. If you self-diagnose, do you comprehend all that you are getting yourself into? Are you going to find yourself in psychological traps that will only serve to worsen your mental health? It’s hard to look at yourself objectively, you could easily be misrepresenting yourself inside your own mind. You may effectively be locking parts of yourself away, making it so you are no longer able to see the full you. You will no longer be all there, you will be segmented in favour of upholding the defining marks of a diagnosis that doesn’t suit you.

Instead of self-diagnosing, try doing a self-assessment. Keep in mind that, while you may have this diagnosis, it’s too early to say for sure. You’re going to need somebody else’s input. You’ll need to sit with it for a while to see if it sticks. Keep an open mind, realise that there’s no easy way to explain exactly who you are, or what you are like. It’s very possible that you will come to realise that you are in fact autistic, or have whatever other diagnosis you may suspect describes you. I, after all, came to the conclusion that I was autistic before I got the diagnosis (though, I was going to therapy at that point, and I was on the way to undergo a neuropsychiatric evaluation.) It’s not bad to try and get to understand yourself, don’t come out of this thinking that self-reflection is only possible with a psychiatrist looming over you, telling you how to think about things. We all need to come to certain conclusions over how we self-identify, and sometimes you need to take mental leaps to explain certain things. Just don’t feel as if your best option is to put a label on yourself that can potentially negatively affect your psychological well-being. If you are truly searching for understanding, if your goal is to find out more about yourself, you should act with caution and concern for what you are doing. If all you are looking for is to have people pity you, then… well… I don’t know what to say, really…

[thortisgodofthundpurr]

20 questions, 20 followers

I wasn't tagged by anyone but seen it on @esotheria-sims who i follow on my simblr! Rules: Answer the 20 questions and tag 20 amazing followers you would like to get to know better. But im not gonna tag 20 peeps ✌. Name: Jillieann Viola Wallinger Nicknames: Jill... Oh and Jill-Jill... Zodiac sign: I was born May 7th, so I am a Taurus Height: 5'5 Orientation: Demi-ro ace? Ethnicity: Mixed. 1/2 German, 1/4 Choctaw, 1/4 Creole. Favorite fruit: That's really hard cause I love fruit. But I think I gotta say oranges. I know boring, but I can always go for an orange. Berries don't count I'm assuming. Favorite season: By far Spring. I love the weather, the colors, and flowers, and It's my birth-season. Favorite book series: I do not read. But I gotta say Winnie-the-Pooh because of loyalty. But my favorite book is Mice of Men. Favorite flower: Also hard! I love all flowers. But if I had to answer, I'd have to say daffodils and violas. Favorite scent: Green apple shampoo by Suave. Also Julie's smoke wood perfume. 😍 Favorite color: Yellow, almost any muted pink, and green-blue by crayola. Favorite animal: Ducks! Coffee, tea, or hot cocoa: Tea definitely and then hot chocolate and coffee are tied. Average sleep hours: Depends. If i stay up past 2 am, i sleep for 12+ hours. If i go to bed at a decent hour like 12, I'll prob wake up around 8 am. Cat or dog person? Cat, but I like dogs too. Favorite fictional characters: Hard again. I dont watch TWD anymore but I loved Glenn Rhee, Tyreese, and Noah all of which are POC TWD killed so you can guess why I stopped watching. But otherwise, I like Louise, Gene, Linda, Zeke, and Rudy from Bob's Burgers. I also really like Jake Peralta, Capt'n Holt, Terry, and Amy Santiago from Brooklyn 99. Oh! And Sumo from Clarence. Many more but this has been going on for long enough lol. Number of blankets you sleep with: Depends on the season. But as of right now, which is end of winter, I'm sleeping with a heating blanket and a quilt. Dream trip: Hard man. I really want to see Mt. Shasta. But I'm always happy In Ice House. And of course Disney World is a dream, but that means we'd have to go to Florida, which is ugh. Blog created: I honestly cannot remember and I'm too lazy to look. But I know it was in March. I think in 2014? Idk man. Number of followers: 70 something, grand majority being bots! Time right now: 5:44 pm, February 19th, 2017. Last thing you googled: Ep 27 of Adventure Zone podcast. Fave music artist: Fave of all time has to be Taking Back Sunday. But close second has to be Johnny Flynn and Jamie T. Song stuck in my head: You know that song "OOOoooOO THAT SMELL" by Lyndyrd Skynyrd but add "that smelly smell that smells" from Mr. Krabs in the Anchovy Ep. Last movie I watched: Cannot remember my dude. I don't watch movies that often. Prob some random thing on Netflix. Or actually that wierd baseball movie Julie watched with Sara. Last TV show I watched: I'm actually always watching Bob's Burgers on loop at all fucking times... What I’m wearing right now: Dan's skin pants (danskin) with an obsured amnt of menstrual blood on them cause i am not wasting another pair of pants on this fucking period. Also a blue stripey pj shirt, and my fluffy pink robe to hide THE INANE AMOUNT OF BLOOD. The kind of stuff I post: Things that represent me I guess or just things I like! Why did I choose my url: It's my cat's, Otis', nickname so I have it as all my screen names Gender: Female Hogwarts house: I'm not a fan of HP. But I think I like Raven Claw the most from what I seen. Pokémon team: I couldn't get Pokemon Go on my phone cause of storage, so I never got on that band wagon. Dream job: General Practitioner / Family doctor. Relationship status: Single Pets: Okay man get ready my dudes. Species, Oldest to Youngest. Pearl, a mean and sarcastic black lab she's 8. Benny, a buckaroo, nanny-dog Yorkie who acts like he has the hardest job but in reality he creates his own stress, he's 8. Finnegan, a fickle, vindictive and buff little Chihuahua, he's 7. Opal, a big ol' sweety face white lab 1/4 chow mix, and the daughter of Pearl and Bear (whos no longer with us) thats really shy, she's 7. Her Brother, SweetPea, a freckley doofus black lab 1/4th chow mix he also is 7. Puck, a wierd little weeny/chihuahua stray we found in front of the grocery store, hes the sweetest and nicest and dumbest little thing you'll meet, we found him in i think 2013 or 14 and he was barely 10 months when we found him; so I think he may be 3 or 4 prob 4. Okay. Dogs done, onto cats. Riley, we got him after Milo and Otis but he's older. My brother thought it'd be a great idea to get a cat for his gf who is... Lets just say it wasnt a good idea. And so we ended up taking Riley after a huge escapade. He's a normal american tabby, he's like 6 I think, he's super quiet, and a bit of a dick, but some how won the love of Otis and Simon. Milo, a scared can't-get-right zoolander Lilac Siamese, he's 5. His big ol' orange tabby brother Otis, he's large, and pushy and also a bit of a dick and very gay, he's also 5. Simon our newest edition an eternal kitten and a very talkative little fuc- ...booger he loves Riley and heating blankets, windows, and anything he can tear up, he's a Balenese which just means a thicc ass Siamese, he's 1 and still super tiny. Cats done. On to birds. Buddy a sweet little Indian Runner duck very dainty and bossy, she's I think 6. Bertha, a big ass egg layer chicken she also is thicc but very sweet and talkative, she's 4. Her sister Trudy also lays eggs she red cant remember her breed but a chicken is a chicken she's sassy and talks too much but is pretty cool, she's also 4. Ester, a beautiful black and white lacey chicken her, and her sister, Agnes, don't have much of a personality that I've seen, they both are 2 I think. Okay! Thats it, on paper it's a lot but when you're living with them it's nothing. They are family and all hold an important place. ❤ Last song you listened to: Right now it's "Shore To Shore" by Johnny Flynn. Favorite TV Show: Bob's Burgers... First Fandom: Winnie-the-pooh. Since I was like 2 maybe younger. I tag anyone who wants to do this, but specifically @theinvisiblemonsters