#mourning the loss of my 2nd favorite show

[moondal514]

a few thoughts and takeaways after watching 时光代理人 (link click) season 1:

i have never been so quickly invested in the character relationship dynamics of a show before. from episode 1 i already found myself supremely enjoying and getting emotional over whatever is going on with our main trio of cheng xiaoshi, lu guang, and qiao ling. there’s a particular shot in episode one when cheng xiaoshi is lying down all sad in emma’s body and the screen divides to show lu guang laying down at the same time and it’s almost like he’s reaching out to physically comfort cheng xiaoshi except obviously he can’t cuz they’re currently separated by past/present…agh. yeah. anyways

lu guang is my favorite of course, which completely tracks for me if you know anything about the types of characters that tend to be my favorite 😂

cheng xiaoshi is a guy that was meant to be in a basketball sports anime but unfortunately the genre of his life is urban sci-fi. like he’s so good at ball he should be chinese kagami taiga but unfortunately he’s got limited time travel powers instead

lesbian noodle shop divorce drama in the 2nd episode. very important to note

the opening song took a little bit to grow on me but now it’s stuck in my head and i’m grooving to it. i absolutely love the animation of the opening itself, it’s so cool and i’ve never seen tutting animated so well

time travel stories are always about grief and loss to some extent and link click really emphasizes that i think. to me it’s specifically about mourning the loss of parental love. so many of the cases end up centering around the love between children and their parents, and often it’s that very love that motivates cheng xiaoshi to attempt to change the past. like you can tell cheng xiaoshi losing his parents at such a young age has had a profound impact on him and how he is motivated to help people

i came very close to crying several times while watching the show! which is not an easy feat considering i have only actually physically cried while watching something 3 times in my life

overall: i love it, i really do. onto season 2!

[cannibalgh0st]

I've known for a long time now that one day your art and enthusiasm and great taste in tropes would pull me into some fandom I never thought I'd join, but I'll be honest, I always guessed it was going to be one of those live action Gotham shows. Sports feels so wholly, entirely out of left field that I don't even know how to react. I've been going through the backlog of Jungle Boy's lore and taking furious notes! Like, he lost his father, then his father figure mentor turned on him and became his nemesis with a thousand personal remarks? And then his bestie joined his ex-mentor? And then he had to fight his ex mentor and beat him and then kissed him goodbye on the forehead before (symbolically?) killing him and then burying him like he did his father? And by doing so, his ex-mentor committed one final act of cruelty against him by forcing him to make that choice, to make Jungle Boy an agent of his own loss and deterioration, take part in it. And from that point on, Jungle Boy became more focused on going after what he wants and taking it no matter who is in his way? Did I understand all of that right?

And then he becomes best friends and partners with a guy who is like the perfect foil to him: an unstoppable 2nd gen fighter - young, even younger than himself. They have so much in common, and they like each other so much. But. Hook keeps winning. He hasn't lost his father. He hasn't lost his mentors or his friends. He hasn't sacrificed anything. And he. Still. Keeps. Winning. And it's always right there in Jungle Boy's face. And when JB turns on him, out of the blue, the first thing he does is drop to his knees as if...mourning himself? And then the next time he shows up, he's dressing, talking, and acting just like his (dead? is he dead in-universe or...? idk how that works) ex-mentor--

--ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! WRESTLING HAS JUST HAD THIS THE WHOLE TIME? I am going to show up every damn week from now on, and I'm going to have no idea what the moves being yelled out by the commentators are, and I am going to wait on the edge of my seat for the dialogue much like impatiently skipping paragraphs of description. And I'm going to make chips for it! WTF what the actual fuck there's enough for 2/3 books of a novelization trilogy here wtf wtf sports??? I am losing my mind

@emma-d-klutz how I enjoy out convos! ✨️

Yes, AEW actually has really good storylines- especially recently with Jungle Boy! That burial match was one of my favorites when he fought Christian Cage - it was so personal, but I appreciated the end results. Effing great, so choice. I'm wondering when they'll have another reunion soon? Now that Jack went heel *bad guy* and said a few nights again when he was in a team, he was a champion... maybe he'll team up with Cage and Luchasaurus again? Or he'll just be his own bad guy???

SO, the drama with him and Hook kinda felt off to me. A lot of people felt Hook was going to betray Jungle Boy, but I never saw that? Hook has always teamed up with people who've been good to him, and surprisingly, Hook is super chill with them, lol. But now the betrayal of Jack kinda makes me think if Hook will ever have another team up :( unless it was Danhausen or the Hardy Boys etc.

JungleHook was a very young and cool team up! I kinda wish they would've gone for tag titles... but alas...

The side drama is ongoing this upcoming Wednesday! I love AEW and how they have a variety of drama going on in between the fights. LOL - even better when the drama is in the ring...!!!

[pandorumblue-blog]

I'm just--- I'm just gonna sit here with my feelings for a bit. 🥲

"Because she has left traces, all over the sea of my heart."

[jinpanman]

fandom ship tag game

@cutechim wants me to die apparently.

i like really tragic ships apparently. lmaaoooo

** WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE SHOW “THE MAGICIANS” you have been warned. also a lot of Feelings coming from yours truly.

tagging: @hueseok​ @triviafics​ @bonvoyagenoona​ @playmetheclassics​​ @breadoffoxy​ @yoonia​ and anyone else who wants to suffer picking only 9 ships out of 89247!!! (as always, clean copy at the bottom of this post for anyone who wants to do this!)

 

first ship

how am i supposed to remember my first ever ship?????? my age and inner furry is about to show....hahahaha

shut up. stop laughing at me. balto and jenna. wow. just- the way they support each other. care for each other without shame or embarrassment. yeah. ok. i will. shut my mouth right now before i incriminate myself even more than i already have.

 

first OTP

my god.....do i even need to explain myself????? these two are garrett and kayley from quest for camelot in case you don’t know who they are. my god. my god it’s been over 20 years and i still ship them so freaking hard. wow. whew. gotta pause to fan myself from all this Chemistry and mutual respect and admiration and love...whew....

 

your ship since the first minute

ur fuckin’ lying if you say you don’t ship them. literally usui is Best Man to Ever Exist Ever and aiyuzawa is the most selfless genius hard working understanding kind human bean ever. i will love usui to the end of my days.

runner up: rapunzel and eugene from tangled. who doesn’t love them?!??!?!?!????!?

 

ship(s) you wish had become endgame

literally fuck the show. for this. fuck you for giving us the most beautiful fucking short lived (but also not--if you know then you know) romance ever. fuck them. fuck fukcukfukcufkc FUCK!!!!! literally fuck them.

i cant fucking believe they made q die BEFORE HE EVER GOT TO REUNITE WITH ELIOT EVER AGAIN WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!1 THEY SPENT A WHOLE LIFETIME TOGETHER. A WHOLE LIFETIME THAT THEY NEVER GOT TO TALK ABOUT. Q SPENT BASICALLY A WHOLE SEASON TRYING TO SAVE ELIOT. ONLY TO FUCKING DIE. ELIOT HAD TO MOURN THE LOSS OF SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL SO GREAT SO FUCKING FANTASTIC. HE DESERVED TO HAVE IT. THEY DESERVED EACH OTHER. WHAT THE FUCK.

i can’t even. i’m like crying again. so i must stop now. as you can see. i am. very. passionate about them. oh yeah. them being quentin and eliot from the magicians.

 

ship you wish was canon

......you will always be my original baby girl

......you are my god given solace

(god what the fuck im crying again hahahaha)

we were robbed. we were fucking robbed. and i will never forgive criminal minds for this. never. morcia ftw. morcia forever. my forever otp.

 

ship that most of the fandom hates but you love

ahahahaha...... listen.... i dont think most of the fandom necessarily hates this ship but uuhhh.... i do know that you either love em or hate em and there is no in-between hahaha

literally fight me if you’re against zutara. hahahahaha. i will die on this hill.

runner up: yosano and shishio from daytime shooting star (lmfao ok go ahead and judge me for this idc hahahaha i also love yosano with mamura and i am glad it ended the way it did. zutara tho............zutara was done dirty.....i will never forgive......)

 

you don't even watch the show, but you ship it

ok this is kind of a cheat since i did watch the first season of the 100. also maybe the 2nd season??? i dont remember. i just remember i dropped it and my brother kept on watching it. but still. bellamy and clarke. i ship it. even tho i couldn’t stand clarke A Lot when i watched the show lol

 

ship you wish had a different storyline

i literally never cared for the main pairing in goblin 💀 i only stayed for grim reaper and sunny im not even kidding. tragic. forever tragic.... i just want them to be happy wtf ;;;;_____;;;; yes i made myself cry watching sad videos of them on youtube

runner up: moon lovers’ hae soo and wang so (sob sob sobsob eternally)

 

favorite ship that is endgame

i literally love them so much forever and ever and ever. they are so good for and to each other. if you haven’t seen this kdrama yet then i implore that you do!!!!!! It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

 

clean copy:

fandom ship tag game

first ship first OTP your ship since the first minute ship(s) you wish had become endgame ship you wish was canon ship that most of the fandom hates but you love you don't even watch the show, but you ship it ship you wish had a different storyline favorite ship that is endgame

[cuban-feminist-that-gives-a-hoot]

Leverage: Redemption

There will be spoilers. Massive spoilers. Plus some angry ranting. Short answer is I loved it and I so hope they decide on a second season.

Let's get the angry ranting out the way.

1. Some folks are acting religious with their hate for Maria Shipp. Knock it off. I loved her, and not as a romantic thing for Eliot, but more of who she is as an individual. She's someone that has her own convictions, beliefs, and boundaries that she will not cross. Her and Eliot were good for each other right now, but as a forever thing? No. Her being there does not mean that OT3 was being shat on. If anything, it only confirmed it further because the only ones that Eliot could open up to freely are Hardison and Parker. With all the hate on her for some stupid reasons, I honestly want to see more of her to spite the haters. Eliot needs a cop friend too, just like Hardison and Parker have Taggert & McSweeten. For those of you shitting on her because of copaganda, copaganda has always existed in Leverage. It's just that they've also balanced it with a fuck the cops attitude too. Stop it.

2. The OT3 not being explicitly in the text is not queerbaiting. Those saying that shit is fucking wrong. We've gotten more queer rep from this one season than we've gotten from many, many other shows that don't even hit the bar. Please knock it off with that shit. They didn't destroy the OT3. It is still safe, as promised.

3. For those that mourn the loss of Nathan Ford, I'm going to need you all to recognize that killing him off was the right choice, both for the story and for behind-the-scenes reasons. Nate was my favorite too, but his death was the right choice. I'm not seeing that much here on Tumblr, but on Reddit? Hoo boy... *sigh*

Now that the angry is done, let's talk about the good.

1. Harry Wilson is such a delight for a character and I adore him. He has done some really, really shady and terrible shit, yet he's trying so hard to do good. If it were another actor in the role instead of Noah Wyle, it would not have been as good or convincing as the lawyer looking for redemption after causing so many, many issues with his policy of no sides picked. While I am sad that he is leaving the crew to be a better, nicer lawyer, I do hope he comes back to do consulting work. Everyone needs a little Fixer in their lives.

2. Breanna is a darling and I am so glad that we have her. Watching her grow and improve has been an amazing journey. If there is a second season, I so hope we not only get more of her, but I also hope she continues her relationship with Emily. They are just the cutest couple!

3. The team from Leverage: Con Artists being canon to the Leverage universe is just such a happy, happy thing and now gives me a reason to watch it, if only to know the context.

4. The Great Train Job needs to come with a trigger warning because that beginning intro was not even remotely OK for folks that are coming into it blind. Yet that was the episode that gave me the most satisfaction (besides The Harry Wilson Job) in watching the mark getting utterly destroyed.

5. The Bucket Job is by far the sweetest episode out of the whole season. That episode is just pure magic, from start to finish. Definitely one my top 3 for the entire season.

6. The brief moments that we had Hardison were fantastic and I do hope that we get more of him, should there be a 2nd season. Because you want to know what's better than a 5-Person Found Family Crew? A 6 Person Found Family Crew!

Loved Leverage: Redemption and I want more. Please let this show do so well that they'll give us a 2nd season. And if they don't, then it still ends on a satisfying note.

[pocfansmatter]

You know what I need if/when we get a 2nd season of Julie and the Phantoms?

More 90s references. I need a ep showing how out of time the boys are. I need Julie telling them what they missed. I know they touched on it with the Star Wars movies/Jar Jar line but I need to see MORE.

I need them listening to Green Day's American Idiot album.

I need them to know the background & learn about 9/11.

Then I need them to hear the rise of the emo/pop punk music genre specifically made as a result of that attack.

I need them to hear My Chemical Romance!

I need them to listen to Panic! At the Disco since they OPENED for them.

I need them to tell Julie their favorite bands & them hearing the albums they missed after they died.

I need them to discover The Foo Fighters because I KNOW they listened to Nirvana.

I need them to see Bean Cobain.

I need them to learn about the break ups then make ups then break ups again of Blink 182.

I need them to watch Rock of Love because Luke wore a Poison shirt ONCE & I need his reaction. 😭😅

I need them to read Motley Crue's autobiography & maybe watch The Dirt. 😂

I need them to marathon the newest Star War movies.

I need them to teach Julie their lingo & her to explain hers. So Alex can know what "woke" means.

I need more confusion on modern technology.

Ipods/iPhone, YouTube, Spotify, they need to be wowed by how easy & accessible music is.

They also in turn need to mourn the loss of record store culture. Because I KNOW Luke would cry at the thought.

Even the silliest stuff like MySpace & Scene culture.

Talk about pride with Alex & explain how there is more genders and sexualites then they probably knew back then.

I need them to go to more of their favorite spots or hangouts & see if its still there or changed like Reggie's house. Then I need them to properly mourn it.

I need Julie to share more about her mom & her music & maybe we can finally see if it's the girl from that night at The Orpheum like we suspect.

[katehuntington]

2020, 2nd edition Disclaimer: ‘Kate Huntington’s Author & Fanfiction Recommendations’ is a platform for writers, to show appreciation for their work and expand their audience. I do not claim to be the author of these stories, neither do I own them. Read each writer’s warnings carefully, most of them are rated +18.

Without further ado, here is my list of recommendations.

One shots

“My Hero” - written by @plaidstiel-wormstache Angst/fluff - Sam Winchester x female reader, Dean Winchester - 1524 words     When Sam gets hurt on a hunt, Y/N is the only one who can help him. What I love most about this fanfic is the medical accuracy. I am no expert in any way, but after seeing countless medical dramas and having done plenty of research for characters and stories, I really appreciate it when knowledge about medicine practically drips from my screen. A lovely read.

“Everytime You Leave, I Hit Rock Bottom” - written by @arazialotis  Angst/fluff/slight smut - Dean Winchester x female reader - 2050 words      This story portrays little snippets of Dean’s and Y/N’s relationship as they struggle to balance her normal life with his life as a hunter. The writer has done a beautiful job showing how much of a challenge it would truly be. The longing for each other after weeks apart, the realistic arguments. It’s liberating to read fanfiction that shows the imperfections that come with being a hunter’s other half.

“Nicotine” - written by @talesmaniac89 Angst - Dean Winchester x reader - 1966 words      Dean has plenty of unhealthy coping mechanisms to help him get through his dark days, but the only drug that really helps, is you. This story is inspired by the song Nicotine by Chef’Special and was written for my 1K celebration. The lyrics to this song are surprisingly depressing, despite it being an upbeat song, and the writer has captured it better than I could have ever hoped for. If her writing was music, it would be a symphony played by an orchestra. Her way with words is melodic and moving. Goosebumps all over.

“Over Our Heads” - written by @deanssweetheart23  Fluff - Dean Winchester x female reader - 2482 words      The feelings Dean and Y/N have for each other and have been under wraps for years begin to surface during a movie night. Oh my word, what an amazing thing to witness. This sweet story is a gorgeous piece of writing. How the author is able to take such a quiet and simple moment and turn it into something so meaningful and heartfelt, is beyond me. Talent oozes from this fanfic and is worth your time and love.

“The Voices” - written by @fictionalabyss  Angst/comfort - Dean Winchester x female reader - 1215 words

Based on ‘I hear the voices when I’m dreaming. I can hear them sing’ from the Supernatural anthem Carry On My Wayward Son, comes this breathtakingly beautiful piece of fanfiction. Perfect lines, spot on dialogue and it couldn’t have been more true to the character. It’s painfully raw, sad, and tears will fall. It makes you feel for Dean in ways that are difficult to describe. The writer of this story is known for her talent with words, but she outdid herself here.

“The Things We Tell Ourselves” - written by @imamotherfuckingstar-lord  Comfort/fluff/explicit - Dean Winchester x reader, Sam Winchester      Y/N is miserably stuck in a stale relationship, and then an old flame rolls into town. The very first line is already a winner; what a way to start a fic. The picture this writer paints of a flawed relationship is very realistic. I think a lot of people can relate, being stuck, too far in to just pull the plug. The descriptions are very detailed and this story has the reader wishing for more. 

“Promise Me We’ll Be Alright” - written by @impala-dreamer  Angst - Dean Winchester x reader - 1303 words      This one shot portrays Dean’s struggle with bearing the Mark of Cain so beautifully. Everyone could imagine how rough it must have been for him, but this writer took that pain and my heart with it. She has the ability to leave things unsaid in order for the next line for a bigger impact; it’s smart writing and it’s so effective. It’s vivid, it’s realistic, it’s breathtaking.

“Time For Plan B” - written by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters Fluff - Dean Winchester x pregnant!reader, Sam Winchester - 1900 words      So much fluff, that I smiled all the way through. For one, it’s incredibly well written, it flows so wonderfully. Secondly, the comedy and the lightness of this bit of fanfiction is perfect. Writing something that’s funny isn’t easy, but this author did a terrific job. It’s a perfect blend of fluff and funny. Thirdly, who can resist father-to-be Dean? “Side By Side” - written by @talesmaniac89 Angst - Dean Winchester x reader - 2542 words      On the anniversary of yet another fallen friend, Dean is unable to cope with the loss, but thankfully he has Y/N by his side. Another brilliant creation, based on the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. A song which surfaces a lot of emotions, much like this poetic and amazing piece of fanfiction. Words that come to mind are heart wrenching, tear jerking, and in a way comforting as well. A must read.

“Cabin Fever” - written by @slytherkins Angst/explicit - Dean Winchester x Chloe (OFC) - 17002 words      This has got to be hands down the best thing to discover in a while. What an amazing work of art. 17K might sound like a lot and original characters aren’t read as much on this platform, but it is worth every second of time. The storytelling is gripping and the well told tail will not let the reader go. The way the creator described Dean and his torment, his inner thoughts and his struggle is absolutely superb. It’s a homage to everyone dealing with chronic pain, disability and depression. This fic had me clutching my chest and praying ‘no no no no, please don’t do it’ all the way through. I haven’t felt emotional about writing like this much, but this writer knocked it out of the damn park.

“I Just Called To Say I Love You” - written by @talesmaniac89 Angst - Dean Winchester x reader      When Dean gets lethally injured and has only minutes to live, he calls the woman he loves to have one last normal, happy moment with her. It hurts as bad as it sounds, but in the most wonderful way. It’s exactly how Dean would go down, the characterization beyond perfect. The descriptions, the dialogue, the details, the choices. The song that serves as the perfect title has been forever ruined for me. It’s a Rembrandt painted with letters.

“To The End Of Time” - written by @impala-dreamer Angst - Dean Winchester x reader - 2600 words      Talking about fanfiction completely changing the meaning of a song. I have heard ‘Paradise By The Dashboard Light’ by Meatloaf a couple of times on the radio now, and I cannot listen to it without thinking of this story. Dean mourning the death of his loved one is painfully well described. The alternations between the present and the flashbacks, the evident contrast between the happiness that was and the sorrow that is now. It’s beautifully done. The song fits the story perfectly. What a read. 

“Calm After The Storm” - written by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters​ Angst/comfort - Dean Winchester x reader - 2200 words      What a pleasant surprise this one shot was! As a stormchaser, this little AU had my heart from the beginning, but you certainly don’t need to be an admirer of the weather to appreciate it. Besides that the subject really appeals to me, it’s also incredibly well written. The comfort Dean offers is sincere and moving.

“Bring It On Home” - written by @thoughtslikeaminefield  Fluff/explicit - Dean Winchester x female reader - 1207 words      Dean comes home to his girl after a hunt, unable to wait to be with her again. This writer has a very poetic way of describing this sweet scene. There are so many wonderful lines in here, little gems wrapped up in heartwarming, carefree and happy fluff. I wish something so pure for my favorite hunter.

“A New Future” - written by @kittenofdoomage​​ Fluff/angst/explicit - Alpha!Dean Winchester x female Omega!reader - 9944 words      Dean is unable to deal with the aftermath of losing his brother, but Y/N is there to pick up the pieces. How she puts the battered hunter back together is a beautiful thing to see in words. I’m always amazed how well this author writes A/B/O. Although it might not be everyone’s cup of tea, she certainly managed to get me on the alpha omega train. The storytelling is strong, the characters authentic, the details amazing, every word of dialogue spot on.

“Comfort” - written by @idreamofplaid​  Fluff/comfort - Dean Winchester x female reader, Sam - 2342 words      Y/N and Dean have a routine when he leaves on a hunt, but also one when he comes home to her, and it’s such a beautiful thing. It’s lovely to witness how comfortable Dean is and how he allows her to love him, as much as he loves her. The details are astonishing, how she makes everything perfect for her hunter to return, how they don’t talk about the hunt, but just are. Very well written, I was floating while reading this and felt warm from all the affection. The writer does a wonderful job drawing the one reading in, making it impossible to put down.

“If It Was To Work” - written by @deangirl93​ Angst/Fluff/explicit - Dean Winchester x reader, Sam Winchester - 3979 words      After a much needed black and white, non-Chuck hunt, the Winchesters go to a bar for a good time. Dean doesn’t expect to run into a familiar face, however. The very first one shot of a new writer and it certainly deserves attention. This new kid on the block has so much potential! This story for instance is an uncut diamond. The writing is smart, with beautiful quotes which call back to the show we all love so much. The author of this fanfic is one to watch!

Imagines:

“Imagine Dean debating asking you out” - written by @luci-in-trenchcoats​   Fluff/comedy - Dean Winchester x female reader      Dean has a crush on a girl, Sam is calling him out. When his little brother threatens to expose his secret, Dean tries to silence him, and it’s honestly the funniest read I’ve had this month. Writing comedy isn’t easy, but this was flawless.

“Imagine depression hitting you hard” - written by @wicked-wayward-warrior​ Angst/comfort - Dean Winchester x Jazzie Baker (OFC) - 1993 words      Jazzie is struggling, but thankfully Dean is by her side. This story is an ode to everyone dealing with mental illness. The way this author put depression to words is both chilling and amazing. Dean being the support and the comforting man that everyone wants in their life if just what I needed.

“Imagine experiencing your worst nightmare” - written by @carryonmywaywardcaptain​ Angst - Dean Winchester x reader      The angst is strong with this one, because Dean expresses what he really feels, but it will not be what you think. The opening is painfully dark, then it takes a turn, and the way this writer described the confusing and anxious thoughts of Y/N is really well done. Everyone can relate to this; being dismissed and hated by the ones you love is worse than losing them all together. A good read.

Drabbles:

“All That’s Left” - written by @impalaimagining​ Angst/comfort - Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins - 559 words      Just the thought of my favorite show ending has me emotional, not to mention when it’s put into words like this. God, this is beautiful.  The way this author describes Jensen, Jared and Misha is amazing. So true to them, so tangible. She’s brave enough to leave things unsaid, the silence expressing so much more than words ever could. Reading how everyone’s favorite people say farewell to Supernatural pulls at heartstrings in a way that is both sad and comforting.

“She’s Not You” - written by @winchest09​ Fluff - Dean Winchester x female reader - 995 words      At the night of senior prom, and Y/N’s date stood her up, until someone knocked on the door. I for one am a total sucker for a prom date!Dean; still a teenager, sort of innocent, and yet still the Dean we’ve all fallen in love with. This was written so effortlessly and sweetly. If anyone is in the need of some tooth-rotting fluffiness, this is the go-to fic. 

“You’re Home” - written by @impala-dreamer​  Angst/explicit - Dean Winchester x reader - 682 words      Another drabble that’s worth mentioning is this short story. It portrays the hunter waking up from a nightmare about Purgatory, Y/N next to him to sooth him. Beka does Dean’s PTSD more justice in 682 words than the writers have ever done on the entire show. A beautiful piece of art.

“Home Is Where You Are” - written by @muggleishly​ Fluff - Daddy!Dean Winchester x reader      Dean comes home from a hunt to his family, and oh my word, it couldn’t be fluffier. Dean as a father melts every fangirl’s heart, but the creator of this lovely little drabble turned it up a notch. Sweet as candy, uplifting and light on its feet. This one will definitely lift your spirits in dark times.

“Handy Man” - written by @deanwanddamons​ Fluff - Dean Winchester x reader - 862 words      Dean fixing a blocked drain under the kitchen sink in a black shirt and Levi’s jeans; what a sight that must be. The writer of this fic is able to describe the scene in great detail. Besides the obvious appreciation of the gorgeous man, it’s great to see him doing something normal and domesticated. It’s the life we all wish for him. A great little drabble for a Sunday morning with a cup of tea by the side.

“One For Tomorrow, One Just For Today” - written by @thoughtslikeaminefield Explicit/fluff - Dean Winchester x reader - 662 words      Sex with Dean is always amazing, but there’s nothing hotter than him singing a classic while he’s doing it. After reading this, that famous song by The Doors will never sound the same. Sit back, relax and listen to the music.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed the work of the authors above, don’t be afraid to let them know. I’m sure they will appreciate it. Feel free to share!

If you have any suggestions or would like a tag in the future, drop a request in my inbox or send me a message.

Love, Kate

[joshuahong]

Daybreak / JiHan

title: Daybreak pairing: endgame!Jihan, side!CheolSoo word count: 1676 genre: angst, AU warnings: mentions of mental illness (PTSD)

note: so I recently had a plot bunny pop up in my mind (which I told @jeongahn​ / @jnhui​ about) and I needed to get it out of my system so I wrote this. This was only meant to be a little plot bunny but upon reading it, it sounds like a oneshot lolol. Nevertheless, if someone wants to turn this into a chaptered story (which would fit better tbh), let me know! :)

*** I hope I portrayed PTSD in a way that shows how tragic it is and how it can affect those who are involved. I know some details may not be accurate but I hope it does not romanticize a mental illness.

                                            D   A   Y   B   R   E   A   K

“The moonlight that fully Shines the empty room (moonlight) It’s disappearing like a dream (out of my life) I draw one more time On a white canvas I trust that I’m not alone” - Daybreak by Nu’est

Joshua and Seungcheol avoid each other’s gazes. Seungcheol knows where Joshua is going, and why he’s going. Joshua, on the other hand, knows where he’s going, but pretends he doesn’t know why.

“You’re going to see Jeonghan again?” Seungcheol asks, careful not to let Joshua hear his voice break.

“Um, yeah…you know he needs me Cheol…I can’t just leave him alone. He needs me,” Joshua replies quietly, averting his gaze from his boyfriend.

Seungcheol says nothing more and holds in his tears...at least long enough for Joshua to go out the door to drive to Jeonghan, who was Joshua’s ex-boyfriend.

Joshua convinces himself that he’s doing nothing wrong. He’s not technically cheating on Seungcheol because he’s only pretending to be Jeonghan’s boyfriend for Jeonghan’s well-being. He even told Seungcheol that he was Jeonghan’s pretend-boyfriend for Jeonghan’s sake. If that’s the case, then why does he feel guilty every time he leaves Seungcheol to help Jeonghan? Is he really helping Jeonghan, or is he just avoiding reality with Jeonghan?

Joshua wonders how it got like this. He replays it all in his head.

March 2nd: The day Joshua and Jeonghan mutually break up. Jeonghan was a little immature and needed to grow up a bit, and Joshua wanted to find himself for a while. If fate deemed it so, they would return to one another, but they decided it would be best to break up at the time.

June 14th: The day Seungcheol asked to be Joshua’s boyfriend. Seungcheol was someone he met in college and has known for a while. Joshua hesitated before saying yes, convincing himself that he liked Seungcheol a lot and that he was over Jeonghan. Seungcheol thought it was just Joshua’s nervousness.

August 6th: The day Joshua learned to love Seungcheol. Their relationship was soft and kind. He was different from Jeonghan, but Joshua wonders why he can’t forget Jeonghan. He thinks it’s because he was his first love and thinks nothing of it.

September 12th: The day Joshua got a call from the hospital saying that Jeonghan and his brother got into a car accident. Jeonghan’s parents had passed and they had no other family, so Joshua was the only emergency contact available. Seungcheol understood the situation and told him to go see Jeonghan. 

At the hospital, Jeonghan learns his brother had passed away in the crash and mentally shuts down. He blames himself and tries removing the IVs connected to his body to see Seokmin. When Joshua arrives, Jeonghan is asleep. Joshua texts Seungcheol that he has to stay with him the whole night. Seungcheol doesn’t mind.

September 13th: The day Joshua accidentally falls asleep by Jeonghan’s side and wakes up once the sun rises. He checks the time and decides to return back to his apartment with Seungcheol to shower. He tells the nurses to just call him if Jeonghan wakes up and if Jeonghan needs him. He anxiously waits for a call that never came.

September 15th: The day Joshua received a call from the nurses about Jeonghan’s well-being:

“There’s no easy way to say this. It seems as if Jeonghan has developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the loss of his brother. I know you said you were just a close friend, but he has been calling for you, calling you his boyfriend. We think it’s his coping mechanism, remembering a time when he was his happiest. A time before the death of his brother…”

Joshua doesn’t pay attention to the rest of the call and tells Seungcheol of Jeonghan’s well-being and tells him that he needs to see him more often because of his PTSD. Seungcheol nods quietly but asks, “You don’t love Jeonghan still…right Shua?”

Joshua hesitates before saying he doesn’t. Seungcheol realizes now why he hesitated to say yes to being his boyfriend.

Today, February 1st: It’s been almost 6 months. Joshua still visits Jeonghan. Jeonghan believes that him and Joshua are together and that Seokmin is still alive, hanging out with his friends Hoshi and Seungkwan. Joshua goes along with it, convincing himself that he just wants Jeonghan to be happy.

If his intentions are pure then why does it hurt when he sees the look on Seungcheol’s face when he says he'll visit Jeonghan? Why does he feel guilty knocking on Jeonghan’s door? Why does it hurt when he sees Jeonghan check his phone often, “just in case” Seokmin asks him to pick him up? If he doesn’t enjoy Jeonghan’s unhealthy mentality, then why does he promise Jeonghan he’ll visit tomorrow?

Joshua laughs to himself in a bittersweet manner. He’s a selfish cheating asshole. He lies to Seungcheol and lies to himself of his intentions to visit Jeonghan. He doesn’t want Jeonghan to live in his unhealthy mindset and doesn’t want to be part of a fake relationship that hurts him and the people he cares about. He doesn’t want to lie to Seungcheol anymore. He has to fix this.

Even if Seungcheol and Jeonghan never forgive him (both for different reasons), at least Joshua won’t have to hurt them or himself.

“Are you even listening, Shua? You always zone out when I’m talking! Can’t you pay attention for once?” Jeonghan snaps.

Jeonghan’s phone buzzes. “I wonder if that’s Seokmin,” he says offhandedly.

“It’s not,” Joshua says.

“What?”

“He’s dead Jeonghan. He’s been dead for almost 6 months.”

Jeonghan’s eyes water and shakes his head in denial, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Joshua’s voice cracks, “Jeonghan, please, you have to realize this. I’m so sorry I’ve been a shit person and never told you for selfish reasons, but he’s dead. 6 months ago—“

Jeonghan stops him, tears flowing down his face, “Stop, Shua, please”

“You and Seokmin got into a crash. He passed and you didn’t and I know you blame yourself for it—“

“Joshua, please, stop,” Jeonghan begins to sob.

“It’s not your fault Hannie. You guys were hit by a drunk driver. Please stop this, Seokmin doesn’t hate you. Seokmin doesn’t think it’s your fault…He…as well as I...want you to continue your life. Be healthy. It’s okay to mourn, but he doesn’t want you to mourn anymore. He’s watching over you right now, Jeonghan. I know he wants you to be happy,” Joshua reaches out to touch Jeonghan when he feels his hand being slapped away.

“Leave,” Jeonghan snaps.

“What?”

“I said LEAVE!”

Joshua backs away and runs to car, driving back to his apartment with Seungcheol. He opens the door to see Seungcheol’s stuff packed.

“Seungcheol I—“

Seungcheol stops him, “I know, Shua. I’ve known for a long time.”

Joshua blinks back tears, “Seungcheol I’m so sorry, I’m a terrible person, I’m so sorry for hurting you, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry—“

Seungcheol hugs Joshua, “Shh, it’s okay, I forgive you, but you understand that we cannot be together, right? I love you Joshua, but not as a lover. I care for you deeply, but it hurts, you know that, right? I don’t hate you, I can never. But I think this is the best. Jihoon…came to pick me up”

Seungcheol can see Joshua holding back tears, "...But if you need me here, I can stay one more night”

Joshua shakes his head in denial, “No Seungcheol, I’ll be okay by myself. Words cannot express my regret for hurting you who only loved me in return. I don’t want to extend your pain. I wish I could’ve been better to you, but words are empty to the pain I caused you. I…finally told Jeonghan the reality. He told me to leave, and now you’re leaving too. I guess it’s my punishment, huh? What a fool I was to myself, lying to you and Jeonghan. Please don’t pity me, I deserve it”

Seungcheol pats Joshua’s back, asking him to at least call if he needs anything, and quietly leaves.

Joshua is left alone, but he doesn’t regret anything. Maybe it’s better this way.

February 18th, Seokmin’s Birthday

Joshua buys Seokmin’s favorite flowers, sunflowers, and decides to visit his grave for his birthday. What he didn’t expect to see was Jeonghan already there, paying his respects to his late brother.

Hearing footsteps, Jeonghan turns and sees Joshua and gives him a light smile. Joshua walks up and places down the flowers and says a prayer. They both remain there in the silence.

“How are you and Seungcheol?” Jeonghan asks forcibly.

“Ah…we…mutually broke up. We saw each other as friends”

“Oh, I see,” Jeonghan replied quietly.

The silence continued.

“I-I’m sorry if I hurt you, Jeonghan. Your illness was serious yet I used it as an excuse to be with you the way we used to be. It was wrong. I ended up losing both you and Seungcheol. I hope one day you can forgive me,” Joshua whispered.

“Shua you were there for me when I had no one else. In the end, you helped me break out of my unhealthy mindset. Today I didn’t come to mourn, but to celebrate. You were right, Seokmin does want to see me happy. I want to show him that,” Jeonghan said gently.

Joshua looked up at him, “You don’t…hate me, do you?”

Jeonghan smiled and laughed heartily. Joshua missed that laugh. “Hate you? I don’t think I ever could, Shua”

Jeonghan bites his tongue before he can say anymore and smiles at Joshua.

Joshua smiles back. He was proud of Jeonghan’s progress. Jeonghan was going to be okay, and he would be there to help him towards a full recovery.

“Do you want to grab ice cream later?” Jeonghan asks softly.

Joshua hesitates before agreeing, but this time, his hesitation was due to his nervousness.

[knightofbalance-13]

Taiyang Defense Chronicles 3

http://dudeblade.tumblr.com/post/158936858471/knight-what-the-fuck-tai-has-had-over-15-years

Dudeblade, you are a true dumbass if you think I actually believe that.

I was showing how god damn stupid that sounded by showing you the Taiyang equivilant. It was to show you the logic used was stupid as fuck. I know you apparently hit your head about fifty times upon coming here but how about trying to think about my tactics I used in the past huh?

But I doubt you actually care. No, so long as you get to bash Taiyang doesn’t matter what facts and what friends you have to trample on. So let’s go through this once more shall we?

Knight… What the fuck? Tai has had over 15 years to get over Summer and Raven (And considering how quickly he bounced back after Raven, it’s probably telling about their relationship), but Yang has had less than a year without a proper therapist or counselor, but because she’s mourning the loss of her arm, she deserves to be demonized?

And who said Taiyang got one either? It’s already been shown that you CAN recover from someone in that period of time as I HAVE seen it with my mother. And Yang just lost an arm and a partner she knew for a year. hat’s harsh yes but compare that to a man who lost all three of his teammates who also comprise his family of four years plus, loved two of them far deeper than Yang loved Blake and for far longer.

Unlike Taiyang’s joke, Yangw as being serious and seriously meant it. And unlike Yang who laughed it off, Taiyang was obviously hurt by her words but much like Ruby he played through the pain for Yang’s sake after he tried to help her. Unlike you, I have no bias against Taiyang or Yang (Both are my 1st and 2nd favorite character respectively) so I have an objective look: Objectively, Taiyang had the worse life (an arm can only count for so much, especially when a prostetic like Yang’ s is so easily given. Unlike the loss of Summer, loss of Raven, loss of Qrow, loss of Ruby, loss of Port and loss Oobleck. For all eh knows, each day those people are dead. Objectively, if there is a wrong: Yang is that.

I mean, didn’t Yang explicitly say that Tai “shut down” after Summer’s death? I’m pretty sure that Yang and Qrow were doing most of the parenting for Ruby while he was “moping around.” then.

So did Yang and yet she recovered in a few months: why not Taiyang? I mean, Ruby refers to Taiyang as her father, treats him as her father and even acts like Taiyang showing she picked up some of his personality. Also: How would Qrow be able to raise Ruby if he’s plastering himself so hard he forgets his Semblence? Because that’s the only way that works.

Great. Now you made me hate Tai more than Adam. AND ADAM IS A CHARACTER WE’RE SUPPOSED TO HATE!

So is Raven and that doesn’t stop you.

And BTW, you guys are starting to make me hate Yang, my SECOND FAVORITE CHARACTER! So your drop is nowhere near as meaningful as mine.

This isn’t some contest to see who has had the worst life. But if it were, then Yang takes it. She has been abandoned by her birth mother, making her wonder if she was ever wanted to begin with; Summer died, leaving Tai a wreck and forcing her to grow up without a mother figure in her life while simultaneously having to raise Ruby; She has been abandoned time and again, and when she lost her arm in a confrontation with a terrorist, you want her to be beaten by her Uncle, and be told to essentially fuck off by her teachers? What the hell? I’m not saying that Tai hasn’t had it rough, but Yang has certainly had it worse. To our knowledge, Tai wasn’t ever abandoned by his mom, nor has he ever had to deal with raising a sibling after his step-mom died.

Let’s go ahead and edit out anything ambiguous since that’s not allowed apparently shall we?

This isn’t some contest to see who has had the worst life. But if it were, then Yang takes it. She has been abandoned by her birth mother, making her wonder if she was ever wanted to begin with; Summer died, leaving Tai a wreck and forcing her to grow up without a mother figure in her life while simultaneously having to raise Ruby; She has been abandoned time and again, and when she lost her arm in a confrontation with a terrorist, you want her to be beaten by her Uncle, and be told to essentially fuck off by her teachers? What the hell? I’m not saying that Tai hasn’t had it rough, but Yang has certainly had it worse. To our knowledge, Tai wasn’t ever abandoned by his mom, nor has he ever had to deal with raising a sibling after his step-mom died.

Okay then, let’s go through and compare shall we?

She has been abandoned by her birth mother

Yang never knew Raven and only knew about her long after Raven left. Meanwhile, Taiyang knew her for four years plus and was so cclose to her it caused a breakdown.

forcing her to grow up without a mother figure in her life

Granted yes but Taiyang had to keep going with the knowledge that both of his lovers were gone and had to raise two kids, the job of raising one is required by two people at minmum. Can’t include Qrow as he stays away due to his Semblence so he took a 2+ job on his own. Also, you don’t need a parental figire of the same gender: I don’t have one so it’s not necessary.

She has been abandoned time and again

Yang ahs been abandoned by: the mother she barely knew twice, Summer her birth mother and Blake her partner of one year.

Taiyang has been abandoned by: Raven, his lover and teammate of four years plus and they mother of his first childn and unlike Yang hasn’t ahd any recent contact with her, Summer, the woman who helped him get better, team leader of four years plus and mother of his second child, Qrow his brother in law and (possible) partner of four years plus, his friends of Port and Oobleck of four years plus and Ruby his youngets daughter, the daughter of the woman who died off on a mission years ago.

Still not seeing it.

when she lost her arm in a confrontation with a terrorist, you want her to be beaten by her Uncle, and be told to essentially fuck off by her teachers?

Nope, my point was that demanding Taiyang earn back love from a joke when Yang hurt him with a not-joke is stupid.

Jut as well and I’m serious here: You want a man who is desperately trying to help his daughter after being depressed for six months, a man who lost both of his lovers, a man who lived for six months in fear that Ruby, Qrow, Port and Oobleck could die at any moment and he’s powerless to stop it needs to earn his daughter’s love for making a joke she was okay with? Not so easy when it’s used against you huh?

So again, What the fuck???

What I have been saying for about two weeks with you.

[thepopetti]

Have any cool Cybertronian headcanons? Of course you do! Share them here! It can be about a character, Cybertron itself, Cybertronian biology, etc.! Whatever floats your boat!

I headcanon that either Cybertronians have like twenty genders based on the main alt-mode groups or just one gender. None of this boring binary stuff.

As we know, Transformers is a show meant To Sell Toys. You got any? What’s your favorite? Which one wants to make you throw it across the room in frustration because dear God, please help the poor child that attempts to transform that First Edition Bumblebee??

TFP toys were my first mint-in-package toys I had. My fave toy is generations combiner wars leader Starscream. It’s quite big, has nice proportions and is somewhat posable. It’s sad that masterpiece and the fine 3rd party toys are so pricey(plastic porcessing is bloody expensive) and I just have to imagine owning them. Not that I currently had any space for them either.

Though the show has its drama, it has some wonderful humor. And…some wonderfully cracky shorts. What’s your favorite funny moment of TFP? And yes, this totally includes Ask Megatron and whatever other short content that got produced. By adults. The decked out Nemesis is fair game, it’s totally canon.

Megatron singing about hot summer nights still haunts me :D                                               

Drifting back to the serious, TFP had its moments of quiet and mourning, of loss and friendship. What was your favorite heartfelt or heartbreaking moment of the series?

Death of Megatron. Mostly because how it happened. This is why no one likes Bumblebee.

Seeing as like, 90% of the characters are coded male…what’s your favorite OTP/BrOTP? You can answer either or both, just remember to tag accordingly! Am I gonna regret this? Maybe.

…what’s gonna work? teeeeeeeeeamwork!

KOBB is obvious. Megastar in some instances: when they work together to create destrcution. The inbalance in power this pair has makes it uncomfortable. KOSS being “friends”. OP and Ratchet were a nice pair too.

We all hit our rough patches. After all, it’s not life without them. Did something ever make you stop watching the show? Did you love for it fizzle out somewhere along the way? What’s your story, your real story?

I watched every episode pretty soon it aired(except 1st season). At some point I read the episode descriptions on wiki to see if the ep was worth watching. Around the mid to the end of 2nd season.

Finally, why are you doing this challenge? I mean, we know the initial reason, but this was also meant as a way to rekindle that spark for the show and fandom, one I feel we needed when the Covenant came out. You’re back now for however brief a time. Why?

It’s been years since I last watched TFP and I wanted to see how well I remember any details from it.

[perfectlittlesatellites]

October 3, 2018

I’ve had a really long day of running around. Grading during free periods, ending my day with 3 classes in a row and office hours, driving down to the hospital for a staff meeting and then back to school for the Freshman Parent Guidance Meeting, which I was asked to attended and have been hounded about for a month and have always received grief for not attending the evening session, only for Mark to ask me when I arrived, “What are you doing here?” because I was the only advisor to show up. The rage-filled live-texting  I did was an excellent sample of the pettiness of school idiocy and politics, (and the violence of my creative streak).

I get home and S looks very grave and says he has to tell me something, and he didn’t want to tell me earlier because he knew the type of day I was having. He starts talking about my grandmother, who beat breast cancer-but we found out a year or so ago (when she fell and broke her hip) that her numbers were up, and it turned out the cancer was back and had metastasized in her bones. It’s terminal. We know that. She has been slowly but steadily declining in the two years since she broke her hip, but she’s also 86. She recently began experiencing difficulties urinating, got catheterized 2 weeks ago, and her urologist told my mom and my grandparents earlier this week at their appointment that the bladder itself is fine, but the issue could be tumors in her spine compressing her bladder, so they now have another appointment scheduled with her oncologist to get a prognosis. 

All of which I knew-except, obviously, that last part, about spinal tumors and worse cancer news. Because despite telling me she’d keep me posted, when we talked this week my mother said everything’s “fine, nothing new.”

That information slipped out to S in a conversation with my brother yesterday morning, when when S let him know that our mom had specifically not mentioned that news, G turned white, looked sheepish, indicating to my husband that there was a reason I hadn’t been told, and that he had fucked up by sharing that information.

Needless to say, I’m fucking furious. 

This has been my relationship with my parents and G more and more since moving out, reaching a really noticeable point about 4 years ago. My mom had called my at work one night and told me the cancer was back and that it getting into her bones was terminal. My voice shook a little when I asked about prognosis and next steps, and my mom said to me, “There’s no use crying about it. She’s in her 80′s. She’s had a good run. However long we have her, we have her.”

Like she’s a horse we’re sending out to pasture or something, and like I was unstable to react otherwise. This is where the alienation began to shift, and slowly turned into secret-keeping.

Like the dozen or so times over the last 2 years that my parents and G would have dinner out with my grandparents (and sometimes my aunt, if she was down from MA) and were eating 10 minutes away from our house and never thought to ask if S and I would like to be included, only to talk casually about it the next time we talked. Or my cousin’s autism diagnosis, which I had called 2 years beforehand anyway as a possible explanation for his over-stimulation and social lag. Or my older cousin’s anxiety diagnosis that eventually came out of all the GI tests he had done. At their anniversary dinner 2 weeks ago, my mom super conspicuously ducked out to our living room to take a phone call. After a few minutes I got a sinking feeling it was about my grandmother, since they had cancelled with us last minute because of her ER visit, and she looked like she got caught in a drug deal when I entered the room, only to tell me that she was getting an update from her cousin on my great aunt, who had been in the hospital and was being discharged to a rehab. And even then, that day it had taken all sorts of awkwardness and borderline aggression to get the information about my grandmother. My grandfather left me a message simply stating he was canceling and wouldn’t answer the phone when I called back to communicate my regret about it. So I called home and no one answered. When I texted G and asked what was going on, he hemmed and hawed and pretended not to know anything (because he was buying time to text/call my mom), who then called me from the beach and still resisted telling me what was happening until I pushed. So this whole keeping me out of the loop about family business has been building and building, and now it’s got me pissed off. Because it’s like since I don’t live under the same roof anymore, that dynamic I had always pushed back against-like my mom, dad, and G are family and I’m not-has just escalated, and now I’m not privy to any information whatsoever.

It’s like I’m no longer family-or at least truly family-because I was married and out of the house by 26, and did what I was supposed to by leaving the nest. And while before when we were kids G woudn’t stick up for me, but cling nervously to his position as the favorite, he is willingly watching me be cut out of this family-like, surgically, participating in the secrecy towards me and not really questioning it more than a superficial shrug.

So my dad bullies me with or without an audience, my mom and brother allow it, and my mom and brother block me from knowing what’s going on in the family, like I don’t have a right to be a part of it.

What. The. Fuck.

All because I got a little choked up when my mom dropped the bomb on me at work that my grandmother’s cancer was back when she had been cancer-free for so long?

Or is it because I cry at all?

Because here’s the thing: I know my grandma will likely not be with us much longer, especially if this tumor hypothesis ends up being true. If she has to be permanently catheterized, she will become demoralized, depressed, and give up, and she will deteriorate even faster. I know her well enough to know that. I don’t need a medical degree to get that.

And when she eventually passes away, I will cry. I will mourn the loss of my only grandmother that I really knew. I will miss her. I will grieve the impossibility of her getting to meet the next Eileen, her great granddaughter, and it will suck that she, my mom, my baby and I will not ever get to all be together. That sucks. I will shed a tear for the fact that when she and Grandpa went to Florida, and when mom and dad made up their minds about me, this altered the course of my relationship with her for a long time, and what it could have been, which I’ve only recently been able to enjoy. That we weren’t closer, especially as I became a woman and an adult. Sure I will.

Because I’m a fucking human being.

But I’m not going to lose my shit. I won’t be fucked up about it. Because I realized a while back that my parents had their own version of me that they presented to other adults in my life. And that while my grandma sipped the Kool-Aid for a little bit, and has spent most of the last decade living a mile or two away from my parents and G, she has been at times vocal about her preference for G-not directly, mind, but the message was there. But she also never did it at my expense. She clearly preferred him because he was the one my parents deployed to help them with tech in their house, and he was the one at all those dinners my mom was telling them I was busy for but I was actually ignorant of, and all offers I made to chip in were brushed off by my mom. But when she and I were alone, when we had our time together, she let me know what’s what.

I remember back in 2009 she was the one who requested my mom invite me to join her Mother’s Day trip to New York for an evening dinner and show since I lived there. She insisted on coming to see my apartment-she beamed at how, “metropolitan” I was, and as she was getting ready to get in the cab at the end of the night, she hugged me tight, and she kissed her bold red lipstick all over my face, and she told me,

“I am so proud of the brave woman you are. Keep going. I want you to stay here and see this through as far as you can take it. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not smart or you can’t do it, because you are! I love you for it, so much, my girlfriend.”

I obviously minimized and self-deprecated, just like I’ve always been taught. She whacked me in the leg with her cane and said, “Stop it. I love you, girlfriend. You keep all of this up-don’t you disappoint me by stopping too soon. I love you too much for you to ever settle. You got this.”

“I love you, too.”

“I know you do. You show me all the time by how proud you make me, every day.”

I cried so hard after that cab pulled away because that was the first time in at least a decade that anyone in my family had told me they were proud of me, especially without a qualifier (especially one that involved G), and it was the first time an adult in my family had said, “I love you,” in almost as long.

Since then she has often reminded S to, “worship” me because I am a catch, because I am her girl.

She gushed throughout the entire wedding process.

Every time I see her, she is happy to see me and she tells me how glad she is I continue to invite her for holidays (as if I wouldn’t?) and I get her her favorite snacks, and get her, “cool” gifts that help her feel hip and chic.

We had a long conversation when I saw her the 2nd or 3rd time after she fell, when she was in my mom’s nursing home for rehab. She was depressed and self-pitying and angry with mom for making her go to PT. I talked to her about the validity of her feelings and fears, but encouraged her to start the antidepressants that were being recommended by the staff psychiatrist-that there’s no shame in needing a little help-that her body and mind are connected, and it’s not as simply as willing the pain away. I encouraged her to talk to the social worker, to have someone on her side whose only agenda was to provide her with safety and validation and encouragement. And if she wouldn’t, to call me and yell and wail and bitch and that I could hold that for her. She got tearful and asked, “When did you become so smart, and so wise?”

I told her simply that it had been a while, but that mom and dad didn’t quite see it that way, and that it could stay our secret. And she took me up on it a few times, and she was always grateful for the ear.

So maybe she only sipped that Kool-Aid, and as much as she sings G’s praises and S’s in front of others, it will only ever earn an eye roll from me. 

I won’t have unfinished business with her when she passes, whenever that is. Will I wish she had been more public in her acknowledgement of me? Sure. But that’s about me, not about her. She is a black and white thinking, and can only have one favorite. It doesn’t mean she devalues me. I will wish we were closer. But she knows I love her. She loves me the way she knows how: by outwardly favoring the boy, and sharing her quiet, more vulnerable moments with me.

I will not have any regrets. Because she saw me, and I let go of the need for her proclaimed approval once I knew it existed at all.

You know who will be really fucked up?

G, when he loses his most vocal source of praise and one of the few people who, “needs” him.

My uncle, the favorite child who has been largely uninvolved with her care despite being 15 minutes away, and missing many opportunities for time with her.

My aunt, who is depressive and perfectionistic, and who will struggle with guilt and anger towards her husband for uprooting her and the kids to MA, and couldn’t be more involved despite desperately wanting to be.

The most fucked up of all will be my mom. The oldest child who was never the outward source of pride, who broke her own heart to get the approval she wanted and is bearing the brunt of her care now. Who rarely gets a thank you but gets bitched at simply because she’s there, because she’s safe and reliable to receive her anger. I know she’s internalizing this. She is already batshit crazy about all of the praise she’s not getting, the reciprocity that’s not obtainable so long as my grandma is as bitter and angry and lost as she is right now.

The woman scolding me for having a human reaction to a cancer relapse is going to need the most whenever Grandma’s time comes. She is going to be bereft and lost. 

And who does she think is going to provide her emotional support and hear all of this? 

My, “feminine logic,” emotionally retarded bully of a father?

My emotionally stunted, overgrown adolescent brother who still sleeps in the same twin bed and lets his dad make his bagged lunch?

Or her daughter, who can speak about and hold emotions and provide empathy and gentleness, not just because she’s a compassionate person, but because she’s a trained fucking counselor, and not a cyborg?

THIS. THIS is what makes me so insane about all of this shit with my family.

I’m never smart enough until there’s a question G can’t answer because it’s my area of expertise. I’m never wanted around until I heed that response and back away. No gift good enough. What have you.

And I’m unstable and emotional when I communicate that they hurt me, and ask for what I need, or am overwhelmed or stressed about how my family treats me. It makes me angry and unworthy.

But when you need a free therapist? That’s when you want me to provide all of the things you denied me for all of these years, even as you’re still excluding me and hurting and keeping secrets from me?

When do I get to become a fully operational person to them?

Maybe I need to cut away from my family for a while. Or maybe altogether. 

I feel like they just make me so angry all the time, and I hate the person I am in those moments.

I feel like with all of this, I’m being poisoned. I hate it.

[mworefugio438-blog]

From $10 In My Wallet To This.

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