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irregularupdates-blog · 8 years

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Is it ever fair?

This month is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month so for me personally raises some demons and occasionally ruins my unicorns and fairies mood.

Its not always a subject that you find the right moment to bring up over coffee with a friend or at a dinner party. So when do you manage to slip into conversation that you were once pregnant but you have no baby...

The answer is never. There quite simply isn't a good time to tell anyone your story of how you lost your child without killing a moment and sometimes making everyone feel extremely uncomfortable. I can say that because Ive done it. When my sister got pregnant and the 100th person asked me “so now that your sisters having one, when are you and your husband going to have yours?” or I snapped and replied in a tone that would have landed me the wicked witch of the west role in any play in any language “After 4 miscarriages and 3 yrs of trying your guess is as good as mine”

Possibly a little bit mean on my part but when 3 yrs of your life has consisted of counting days, taking temperatures, supplements, eating right, exercising, doing those weird ‘fertility yoga’ poses. You do this regimentally and then at then you get to the day where your due to take your pregnancy test and it says no, or you don't even get that far because you get your period. Either way they both result in you sobbing on the bathroom floor and feeling emptier than you ever knew was possible. After 36 months of feeling less and less of a woman when I can't get pregnant and watching friends and now siblings swelling bellies, Im done.

That’s not to say I don't get upset about it. I spent a vast amount of today balling my eyes out due to yet another ‘Im pregnant’ message. Although I get upset I never feel angry towards the person, Im not that bitter....yet

I could sometimes almost drop to the floor, kicking screaming and wailing whilst shouting “ITS NOT FAIR!!!” When you do everything your supposed to, even those stupid positions and sex schedule that strips any romance from your sex life with your husband, and your left wondering if your being punished.

Sometimes you find someone you can talk to about it, that should help a lot right? Not always. I have a little bit more understanding for anyone who has gone ‘Postal’. I swear if I hear one more person say any of the following my head will explode!

“oh don't worry its just not your time”

“You know, if you stop trying then you’ll fall pregnant”

“Everything happens for a reason”

“Well at least you have your health”

SERIOUSLY! You don't have to give answers, you can just be honest and tell me that its crap, tell me that its a nightmare and just to keep trying.

Another thing, why is it that everyone suddenly becomes a Gynaecologist? As soon as they find out your having trouble getting pregnant they suddenly reel off all these remedies that their brothers girlfriends cousins best friend swears by or they give you a list of health issues you could have. I know that most people are just trying to make you feel better but honestly the best thing you can do is just listen.

I think half the reason we don't talk about fertility struggles isn't because we feel awkward, its because everyone else does. People make you feel awkward for having an inability to get pregnant just by swapping spit.

The truth is that fertility issues are way more common that what people think, 1 in 4 women have pregnancy or infant loss, that number is huuuuuge! That doesn't include all the women who struggle for years to have a baby and never get pregnant at all.

Ive actually been pregnant more than once, Ive felt my belly swell, my boobs grew (which for me was one of the best parts) I felt sick from the moment I woke up until around 4pm but I don't have a child. My first child would have been 12, the youngest 8. Its gut wrenching every time you think about it, your heart literally hurts with the pain of knowing you missed out on watching your tummy grow, seeing them on scans until you could hold them in your arms for the first time. You missed out on sleepless nights, breast feeding, the smell of their skin, watching them become little humans. Each time you hear another parent complain about any aspect of being a parent your heart breaks because you would give anything to have that to complain about. Whilst all this is going on in your head, you have to remember that its no ones fault, there is no one to blame. So you slap on a smile to hide your shattered heart and move on with your life.

Moving on doesn't mean your ever over it. No one gets over the loss of a child, but you have a choice to either stop your life and live in that deep dark moment or move on and keep the memories and see what life brings.

I was lucky enough to meet a man who makes each day easier to bare because he is so supportive and loving. Yes we both want a child but each time it doesn't happen, each time he picks me up off the floor to hold me whilst I cry I always thank god that I have him. If we aren't meant to have children then thats fine, we’ll just have to deal with it and accept it. Im always going to feel slightly cheated but I can't change what my body will and won't do. Besides there are thousands of children who need loving homes, maybe thats our path?

I realise this post doesn't really flow very well but with a topic like this is wasn't really aiming for top marks on content. Ultimately if your reading this and you have in the past been someone to ask an ill thought question to a women of a certain age “when are you going to have a baby” or “you’d be a great Mum you should have a baby” please please please stop and think. What we have to go through when one of our relatives or friends gets pregnant is hard enough without having to deal with additional obstacles like that. Or, if you end up asking someone like me, don't ask unless you are prepared for an atomic bomb of a response. Ive lost all ability to be polite about it.

Finally, to any women reading this who have been through anything related in this post, I salute you. You are still going with life. I know how hard each day can be, some easier than others. We are survivors, we are mothers to angels and we have a story and strength that we all share.

#pregnancyandinfantloss #miscarriageawareness #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #mothersofangels

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