#mostly a vent but also like dont be shy if u do have a thought about it

[sucktacular]

Cw health scare, passing out, food mention, weed + being high, mention of blood work/needles

Had a yucky time last night that was very scary and wanna vent about it

and honestly kinda hope maybe someone that has low blood sugar moments or panic attacks or whatever the fuck could give me some insight if you're comfy doing so!!

Other wise just ignore this post :3 I'm okay now! But obv will get it looked at, prommy.

Also cw disordered eating... I don't mean to do it for any particular reasons I'm just very bad at remembering to eat, eating enough, and having too low energy to make anything lately. I got fresh groceries yesterday night tho so I'll be back to eating right for a bit.

So I uh nearly passed out at 3am alone in my kitchen trying to make a sandwich and I'm kinda pissed that my body is shitting out on me and now I gotta go to the human mechanic and get my stuff looked over cuz uh... Not normal happenings

I got up after laying down in bed for a while trying to sleep but got hungry and I was a little zooted too to be fair. Collected myself. Got all dressed to leave my room and was totally fine. If it was from standing up too fast it should have definitely hit me by that point but I was fine.

Went down and took all the things out of the fridge I needed for a sandwich. Slow and meticulous , not too fast cuz I was stoned and like to take my time to be quiet. Opened the bread, got a plate, opened the mayo, mayo'd my bread, then I went to open the deli chicken and started greying out and getting really light headed and weak and shakey and cold. So I waited a moment and it kept getting worse so I sat down and propped myself in the corner of my cabinets to try and help. Drank my chocolate milk and tried to wait it out. I've had low blood sugar act like that before- cold, shakey, grey vision, weak, etc - cuz I've kind of always been really bad at making sure I eat meals and last night i had just been eating chips, crackers, and chocolate pretzels all night. Snjcjsbjdks. I've been snackless for a few days so I NEEDED snack overload.

Anyway it kept getting worse over the minute or two to the point my vision was like white and black tv static with tunnel vision. my head felt super pressurized and I couldn't hear? I've had tinnitus since I was a tiny child but it really felt like those movies when everything is muffled and all you can hear is a very tiny faint high pitch ring. I could barely hear my tinnitus which was ... Deafeningly silent and that's WEIRD. I've never heard... Nothing? So that was scary. My whole body felt sweaty and hot and I just didn't know really what to do.

I think it was low blood sugar but + weed made me have a panic attack? Maybe? Or really bad low blood sugar. Because I HAVE been having light headed episodes and feeling weak lately... Which I chocked up to vitamin deficiencies (B12, D, or iron are problems of the past so I started taking those every day for the past week or so.)

Kind of super mad doctor I saw last week insisted I don't need blood work and to just take my new meds, cuz there's definitely something going on here and while blood work probably wouldn't have stopped last night's episode from happening, at the very least I could be a step closer today than i am. :(

Uhm... Yeah anyway it was really scary and I was on the floor in the kitchen with just Frankie watching me for a hot maybe 2-5minutes... Hard to tell how long. Not a super long time but more than just like 1-2 minutes. Felt better. Tried to get up and finish sandwich making. Got grey and weak again. Sat down some more. EVENTUALLY my vision and hearing went back to normal. Finished my sandwich weakly and packed the stuff away sloppily and had to turn the hallway light on cuz I couldn't see in the dark at all. Went to my bed and ate my sandwich and still felt fucked but eventually went right back to normal.

I do still feel airy headed and not totally alert but that's been kinda how it's been this past few weeks.

So uh... Mmm. Don't like that at all. Phone on me all the time now. Doctor visit again soon for this issue specifically. Partner suggested it sounded like a panic attack or when they get a vasovagal response to needles and nearly pass out. I definitely got scared and panicked cuz it was awful and scary and felt like I was dying. I did some 5seconds in 5 seconds out breathing exercises and it helped quite a bit to calm and focus me in the moment. Which was neat! They ain't lying about those exercises even if you don't know what you're doing. Focus on the counting and the breathing in and out softly.

Uhm.... So yeah if anyone actually genuinely has a comment or experience with that I'd love to hear. Otherwise I'm okay so far today and keeping an eye on it...

Problem also is I don't... Well, I have agoraphobia basically and it's very hard for me to go to a doctor without help from a friend or my partner and I can't figure out any online telehealth things in Ontario that don't cost money or aren't just for prescription renewals so uh not sure what to really do. I know I need to get it looked into but my GOD you know how fear will make you not care for yourself? Gestures. I'm trying so hard not to jump to the conclusion that it might be pre diabetes because my family has no history thankfully but the signs arent looking good..

[minblush]

Who’s your fav girl group these days?

red velvet, oh my girl, warming up to loona as well :3 though my fav songs lately are by soloists, sunmi ♥ chungha ♥ yuri ♥

Anonymous said:Idk if you saw the video on youtube from anmiangel about jimin’s weightloss/self esteem but it made me so mad because it was full of assumptions and everyone in the comments was taking it as fact. Like I think most fans know that jimin struggles with confidence and his perception of himself but seeing that video was just… idk how to describe it. Sorry I just felt like i needed to vent

no i haven’t seen it and i am not planning on seeing it either, i talked about this before where people sensationalized jimin’s death treats and him fainting etc, people on youtube are only interested in views and basically throw up unsourced fake news into the world, with a dash of their on fanfic thrown in. like the only thing you can do about these is not watch them and urge other people not to watch them either, not to believe them etc, youtube fanbase is its own gullible entity so don’t worry about comments too much, ykwim? these videos are like if edgy stans on twitter were to be taken seriously. i dislike these analyses videos cause i believe there are some boundaries that should be kept, it’s okay to talk about it to some extent if the artist talks about it first, but still.. boundaries. i’m sorry you had to see a video like that tbh /hugs

Anonymous said:Are you a vegan zuzu?

nope, tbh i was a vegetarian for a few years when i was younger but not anymore

Anonymous said:Sorry im a shy anon~May i ask what do you mean by saying next album will be a turning point for u as a fan?Does it mean u’ll abandon them if it’s not up to a certain standard?Sorry if im being nosy and it’s ok if u dont wanna answer it^^Have a lovely day!

i don’t mind answering it, you’re not being nosy ;; i wouldn’t say abandoning them is the right word cause that implies i’m doing something wrong and that the boys would be hurt by it, which you know.. they wouldn’t. it’s also not about the album being to some arbitrary standard… 

but basically yeah, i have been in the process of like giving them a second chance since the last album. cause idk if you were following me then, but i was let down by spring day too, like i love it now but back then i was taken aback by its obvious attempt to appeal to what korean public likes (which worked) and the media play around it, plus i still think that song was mixed horribly and i prefer the live versions :x 

but the last album was really like… it’s not just that i thought it was bad music, shallow, that the boys didn’t work on it as much, that it was about something i didn’t care for, cause i could get past that? i’ve been into kpop for 9 years so i wouldn’t get far if i dropped groups because of one weak album.

but it’s because… like that is related to my personal live story, but what the boys stood for and talked about was incredibly relatable to me and gave me a lot of strength, i had a real pretty much tangible connection to their music and to them and what they stood for as a group, but with HER.. and also the drama videos preceding it, to me it tainted the legacy of HYYH first, which hurt because i got so attached to it, because like.. that stuff pretty much saved my life back then… and the album was just… it wasn’t them, so i felt disconnect between the music and the boys and what more… it wasn’t me? which is just personal i know, but it wasn’t just that i didn’t like it, it also… hurt me.. the lyrics, the messages, i was hurt… while other people loved it, i was crying because i was so shocked and hurt by the new direction they were going… not to mention the walls that have been building between the fans and them, with bighit trying so hard to make everything as controlled and paid for as possible

so while i would complain and grumble over bad music, i would stay? it’s more that i wouldn’t be able to support them as a GROUP if they kept making music i can’t relate to, that is too disconnected from my own experiences, and mostly music that i find hurtful, music that instead of helping me from anxiety actually pushes me towards it… even if i still loved them as people yeah, i think in some form i would have to unstan, take a step back idk… to me the next album i think will really show what the boys and the company actually strive for, whether the boys doing sincere music or making money takes the precedent, and i will make my decision then

Anonymous said:Even if you ever stop following bts do you think you’ll ever stop stanning jimin?

mmmm, i love jimin too much, tbh i’ve been hurt by seeing him sometimes, but as a person i’ll always love and support him, as long as he doesn’t do something that i find totally inexcusable i’ll always be a fan

Anonymous said:Yeah I get what you mean abt nice people seeming fake. Jm is one of the very few who seems actually sincere (seem cause we don’t really know him) most nice and overly positive people I’ve met in my life are just annoying and when they show their true colors… like i’m considered to be bitchy and cold by pretty much everyone but I haven’t done half the stuff I’ve seen these “nice people” do

yeah tbh i think the true kindness of people can be seen mostly through the little things, i had a colleague at work who i thought was nice at first because he was NICE to me but then paying attention to the little things, and then when even bigger things got revealed, like… yikes.. it makes me appreciate jimin all the more. like yes we don’t know him, and i don’t think he’s a perfect angel (the boy’s got a temper :x lmao), but it’s the little things that to me show that he is just… that kind ;-; 

birghtcandlelight said:I seriously respect you. Not really a kpop fan but it’s pretty damn hard to find geniune and good fans anymore. Too many crazed “fans” going around and proclaiming their love on these guys. Probably the thing that ruined kpop for me, unfortunately. Had some bad experiences with a few “fans” in the past. Keep up the good work and congratulations on your nice blog! I especially enjoyed your post about Mimi BTS Ghost.

oh thank you ;; i don’t think i’m worthy of respect, i’m just an asshole that talks too much. and i think it’s not fair to single out kpop because the thing plaguing all fandoms is that the bigger it is, the more bad eggs it attracts, and kpop fandom swallowed the big fandoms of the past (like 1D so yeah :/ ) i think the problem in the fandom right now, like the person you mentioned, is when people stop seeing the “bad eggs” as bad eggs and instead give them validation and an actual voice in the community, which is something i hate too and is the reason i try to stay away from what the fandom is doing myself, i just try to focus on my little bubble here now and that feels much better, well unless someone invades it -.- but yeah thank you even though i’m undeserving ;; i appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts ♥

[mintyicee]

Warning: skip this post if want

It’s a rant...and i absolutely hate you tumblr app bc i had to redue this twice now! >:(

Anyway, I’m used to being ignored. Everyone around me since i was little to being a young adult now has left me to own thoughts and corner in my home since forever. Though i am partially to blame being an introvert and an absolutely horrible friend in keeping contact with friends online, I mostly do so if i feel no one wants to hear, see, speak, or look at me. I will personally disappear and hide myself bc i feel it will make others happy if i wasnt around. As if i didn’t exist. True, not everyone in your life will be around forever and true, being oneself is your greatest friend. But, as shy or quiet as i am, I love being around other ppl. I dont want to be around ppl 24/7 but i do want to connect with ppl i feel can appreciate me at my fullest and without feeling like im weird or the odd ball that doesnt belong.

With that being said, I may be USED to it but i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. As any human being would of coarse and a lot of ppl have it worse dont get me wrong. Making this rant already makes me feel selfish and in need of pity which isnt why im writing this. Simply put i want to push this anger out of me and get it out of my system bc i feel i cant move forward until i do so. And when it comes to my problems i suck at communicating it to others bc i feel they have much more important things to be doing then to babysit someone who is feeling down (but id drop everything to listen to others sadness bc i care way too much). 

I hate feeling like i did back when i lived in my hometown. Very lonely and sad. Constantly crying. I wouldn’t do anything all summer but cry in my room bc of how alone i felt. And i gave a very important part of me away just to make sure i had at least one person hanging around. I regret it very much but my efforts to hang out with the friends i saw at school outside of school would be very close to zero. Everyone is either busy or just low key didnt want to hang out with me. Tho i was lucky to have at least one friend I would see more in certain grades, it wasnt constant. And once all the drama with my nuclear family subsided, i was much more alone in the house than before middle school. 

I didnt have a cellphone or home phone, no internet either till i moved and started high school. The things that kept me going usually was my writing, music, and cartoons. Seriously being serious here. The way Id touch base with any of my school friends was to walk to their house and be lucky if they had time or were home. When i moved i had so much hope that Id find ppl to share and spend time with. Not only that but i was in the real world and no longer stuck in a house like a prisoner or place for that matter. But like stupid ppl or racists, the same ppl pop up everywhere as well as the loneliness i was hoping to leave behind. Only it came in a new form: even when im around others. I am/was happier here tho. No longer confined in my hometown house. But recently it feels like i am. This summer has been my loneliest since the move and the feeling like no one cares about me at all have all come back at my lowest and most crucial decision making time of my life. Not being in school this semester/school year is hitting me hard and no job call backs for a whole month now either. 

Partially my fault tho. The new friend crew ive been spending time with have been ignoring anything i said in the group chat. Id be skipped over and lately it feels as if im just upsetting certain ppl and end up talking about me behind my back. Really nothing new but I’ve just had enough of it. Like always I distanced myself and stopped talking all together. I’ve been more political upset in recent days due to certain issues on twitter but I’ve only been talking to my boyfriend and my mother. In hindsight tho, they really are my best friends. They are here for me at my highest and lowest no matter how many times i cry or how suddenly i get upset or frustrated. They are the ones to accept me for who i am. No one else has done this to the extent as they have and really thats all i need. Even if i dont get any other long term friends i dont care bc i know they will be by my side till the end. 

But I also want to say that if you didnt want to be my friend in the first place or you wanted me to initiate the conversation first then u should at least comment back at what im saying. If i said something dumb or something that didnt add to the convo then tell me dont just ignore me like im stupid. I refuse to be your “friend” that you only want around to be made fun of. I’ve been through a lot and yes ik u have your share of problems but if your going to only look at yourself and care about yourself then i dont need you. Im good without having that in my life. Ive had my fill of people who act like that to me. And im also tired of people who dont care about others and present issues. I CRY ABOUT PPL I DONT KNOW THAT ARE ON THE NEWS WHETHER NAMED OR NOT. HELL I CRY EVEN IF THEY ARENT ON THE NEWS! There are soooo many ppl who have it way worse than myself who suffer daily and im sick of hearing ppl dont care about the ppl and situations around them! I wont sit here making an excuse as to why i cant help its the same old issues no money (no job as mentioned above) hell even no car but that doesnt matter. I still pray! I pray for safety of others and i pray that ppl will be alright and i pray that things will get better! And also mentioned earlier, ive been reposting about current issues on twitter! This is small but i want to try!

So please if you had no intentions of sticking around me at any of my current moods, dont appreciate the person i am, or relatively dont give a fuck then dont involve yourself in my life. Yes it hurts to be alone but Id rather have that and be alone then FEEL ALONE WITH PPL IVE COME TO CARE FOR! Also, if I have helped you through thick n thin and you think u can pop into my life whenever you feel like it only to stop talking to me or purposely upset me and even threaten me? GTFO of my life and dont come back! Ever (yes this is about a certain friend who moved away and i helped not commit suicide that im holding a grudge at)!  And if you honestly are going to get upset at the actions ive done and say you do good things when you have zero sign of love for others in your hearts, live in a bubble of your own world, and follow the bible “word for word” get out of my face too bc i dont need ppl who say they are here to help others only to shun me if i dont constantly keep verses in my head or do things the way you want them to be and to have me fight my own demons while going against your beliefs and saying that im not doing what im supposed to (yes this is about church)! I DO THINGS AND CARE WAY MORE THAN YOU DO TRUST ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM EVER GOING TO SELFISHLY SAY SO BC ITS BETTER TO BE HUMBLE AND NOT ARROGANT. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU YET YOU GET TO JUDGE ME? NO I DONT THINK SO YOU SHOULD START AT LEVEL ONE AGAIN AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (still about church not friends here). Also dont worry about the level one thing; you would know what this means if you went to the same church. 

I’ve been couping with the idea that all i need is two friends. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them in my life and if im truly meant to have more than it will be so. I know two others of whom i need to apologize for hardly emailing or sending a message to. I feel so bad i have neglected them only bc ive been feeling so down about this and other issues (like before: school, no job/car, possibly changing career and life goals, etc) but really is no excuse. Welp I’ve said all i wanted to say for the moment. There is another topic i wish to vent about but it will have to be for another day bc i have no energy to complain about that topic. If anyone read all this im sorry i took time out of your day and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest and to celebrate the good things not the bad that comes along. I just really needed to vent these emotions so i can finally concentrate on what i need to do. Thank you for listening <3

[whatisntgrace]

Emoji Asks

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone? i dont really have any that ive never told anyone ?

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? my damn self. that bitch deserves a hug

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why? Raikou ultimately, because the uniqueness and individuality it embodies. Sylveon for mostly same reasons

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like? gay probably

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had? i havent dreamt recently enough for me to remember anything

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend? she’s always willing to support me and give me answers 

😘 talk about your crush or partner: pass lol

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back? only if they were someone in which deserved it ?? 

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!): my style, my individuality, and my so-called “evolved” mentality

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it? rejection and abandonment, and as i went through it recently, i overcome it by occupying myself with things that make me feel like im a valuable, worthwhile human being

🎁 what never fails to make you happy? listening to music i like or online shopping/browsing 

💙 what annoys you about some people? incompetence or inability to work well with others despite differences

😤 do you get angry easily? if youre someone i value then no but if youre someone i rarely talk to or dont know that well then yeah

🐇 what do you always daydream about? myself in the future, who i’ll be with and what i’ll be doing, whether im successful or not

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?  overall disputes with views on current issues, more quiet places, less stealing and robbery

✈️ what is your dream city and why? San Francisco or Los Angeles, mostly because every time I’ve visited each I feel a connection with the atmosphere there

☕️ talk about your ideal day: waking up at 7am, taking a shower, grabbing starbucks, drawing something amazing, watching a favorite movie, going shopping with my friends, and going to bed with comfy fluffy blankets

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert? ambivery but i lean towards extrovery mostly because im not too shy around anyone anymore

💧 when was the last time you cried? yesterday bc my stepmom stole 60$ from me (:

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment: Rooting for My Baby- Miley Cyrus, Dirty Sexy Money- The Struts, You Have a Hold on My Heat- RVR, and That’s What I Like- Bruno Mars

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why? shape-shifting, because i find it interesting how you could be multiple things and change into others at will

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR SEXUALITY

💚 who are you jealous of and why? anyone who has rly good makeup and a lot of it because... pls

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why? bravery, because thats something id say i lack a lot and probably wouldve helped me in the past 

🙊 what are you ashamed of? my family 

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn? i know english and spanish but learning french sounds ight

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be? Augustus Waters mostly bc he seemed so awesome to be around and just an overall good influence on mood

☁️ talk about your dream universe. basically something aesthetically out of vaporwave that sounds so cool ( i hate vaporwave music though please spare me)

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?  i cleaned my house so there u go 

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why? a rly fat orange cat, bc i love orange cats and being a fat lazy cat just sounds so awesome. no responsibilities (,:

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike: i fucking HATE when people think they can walk all over me or just say something to get me to shut up. like, honestly im stronger than that

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately: my future, even though i daydream about it a lot it scares me to think it could all be something i never wanted or not something that will help me achieve my dream

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now? i wanted to be a teacher up until middle school, but now i want to be some sort of artist (maybe work for cartoon network or produce designs for cartoon characters?)

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods? i LOVE ice cream and chocolate covered pretzels. lollipops too 

🍑 what are you obsessed with? The Weeknd and what whole dark glowy aesthetic, but also the rosy, gold aesthetic. I also love sailor moon and some animes

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed? i break down almost? not that badly, but i fear that ill never get the work done or what i have to do is too overwhelming 

😪 what are you sick of? being treated like nothing less than shit by my own family

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker? in some ways yes but i wouldnt do certain things to feel adrenaline (sky diving, bungee jumping, rollercoasters)

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have? i like miley cyrus’ new music (some-most of it), cold is better than warm, ugly, conceptual art is better than pretty, flat art

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person? in most aspects yes, but i do see myself become a bad person at times 

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies? i mostly draw i guess

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself? i dont believe you by p!nk

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it? i am the WORST at explaining or venting my feelings, mostly because theyre just hard to describe and when i do i feel them so strongly theres nothing to do but feel them rather than talk about them

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored? eyes and little cats or characters

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams? the fear of ruining my school career 

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you? enfp????? i think it perfectly describes me because im extroverted and feeling as heck

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why? Dakota Blue Richards (shes beautiful and just all around a great person id like her to b my gf), Abel Tesfaye (The Weeknd, he’s such an awesome person and he makes even better music)

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person? ABSOLUTELY. i get super happy then super sad and i always am sympathetic and empathetic, i dont cry at movies/books tho ?

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help? i listen to sad music when im sad, and if i find a song that i actually like ill start listening to songs i like and i usually feel better

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad? that better things will come and that im a person that is so different from anyone else 

🌍 which country do you live in? america 

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words: emotional, generous, creative

💭 do you keep a diary? i did when i was younger but i feel like i should

💫 who inspires you? my friends 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why? i somewhat do but not the possess, evil type. just roamin in the afterlife ??

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like? i dont have any specific taste but i do like color blocking and windbreakers, along w embroidered pants and boots

🎬 what are some of your favourite films? Big Eyes, Kill Bill Vol. 1+2, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and Burlesque 

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory? my dad taking me to preschool one day and i had headphones on watching spongebob and i had a hot chocolate in my carseat cupholder. the life tbh

🐱 what’s your dream pet like? a big fat cat that just lays with me and is basically my partner in crime, or a huge dog that is playful and also fluffy

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be? Nicki Minaj because I bet she’s so good to be around