#most redundant: looks like john cena

[jjdwpaajw]

saw a youtube short of chris parker’s ‘best thing the taskmaster has never seen’ prize task and when i checked the comments. omg. i am crying and blushing at the same time reading these 😭

[fromtheringapron]

WWE SummerSlam 2016

Date: August 21, 2016.

Location: The Barclay Center in Brooklyn, New York. 

Attendance: 15,974

Commentary: Michael Cole, Byron Saxton, and Corey Graves (Raw). Mauro Renallo, John “Bradshaw” Layfield, and David Otunga (SmackDown). 

Results: 

Kickoff Match: The Usos (Jimmy and Jey), The Hype Bros (Mojo Rawley and Zack Ryder), and American Alpha (Chad Gable and Jason Jordan) defeated Breezango (Fandango and Tyler Breeze), The Ascension (Konnor and Viktor), and The Vaudevillains (Simon Gotch and Aiden English. 

Kickoff Match: Sami Zayn and Neville defeated The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray and D-Von). 

Kickoff Match, First in a Best of Seven Series: Sheamus defeated Cesaro. 

1. Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens defeated Enzo Amore and Big Cass. 

2. Raw Women’s Championship Match: Charlotte defeated Sasha Banks (champion) to win the title. 

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (champion) (with Maryse) defeated Apollo Crews. 

4. AJ Styles defeated John Cena. 

5. WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson defeated The New Day (Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods) (champions) via disqualification.

6. WWE Championship Match: Dean Ambrose (champion) defeated Dolph Ziggler. 

7. Nikki Bella, Natalya, and Alexa Bliss defeated Naomi, Carmella, and Becky Lynch. 

8. WWE Universal Championship Match: Finn Balor defeated Seth Rollins to become the inaugural champion. 

9. Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman) defeated Randy Orton via knockout. 

My Review

SummerSlam 2016 is one long ass show. I’m aware that’s a bit of a redundant statement because, in the age of the WWE Network, every show is long and, more often than not, they’re also ass. However, the point still stands: this show is a whopping 4 hours and it’s not something you can digest in one sitting on a rewatch. For the record, I totally support making the SummerSlams and Survivor Series and so on seem just as big and important as WrestleMania. It’s fine by me for WWE’s Big 4 to feature absolutely stacked cards. Unfortunately, in modern WWE, this approach also results in the shows running out of gas midway through and some of the matches going on way longer than they should. The 2016 edition of the summer classic isn’t exactly the worst example of this trend, but it definitely shows similar signs of fatigue.

On top of that, it’s such a heel-dominated show. It’s only occasionally satisfying. In their crusade to make the audience finally embrace Roman Reigns, the WWE would pile on the heel victories in hopes the crowd would pop like crazy once the Big Dog got the W in the main event. It’s inherently flawed psychology to think the crowd is just going to accept a long-awaited face win from just anybody. That can really only work in a particular situation. Needless to say, it often failed because while Roman would get the W, the crowd still hated him. Worse here is that he doesn’t even wrestle on this show. So who was this booking supposed to benefit? I guess you could make the argument for Finn Balor, whose Universal title win remains a highlight of his WWE tenure. Even then, it was rendered irrelevant 24 hours later, as Balor would vacate the title due to injury.

With all that in mind, it shouldn’t be surprising that such a heel-heavy show ends on a rather depressing note. Brock Lesnar pummels Randy Orton into a bloody mess and that’s it. That’s the show. Fade to black. It would’ve been fine if placed somewhere in the middle of the card, but it’s such an awkward way to close up shop. They did have a pretty workable story going into the match, and I’m not gonna pass up the rare occasion to see Orton get beaten into oblivion, but talk about deflating. The whole thing winds up looking like a pale imitation of Lesnar’s squash of John Cena back at SummerSlam 2014. Oh, and there’s some drama with Shane McMahon at the end because, as we all know, that’s exactly what the WWE needs: more McMahon family drama!

The far more successful dream match is John Cena vs AJ Styles. Truly something special. It’s essentially the same finishing move and near-fall spam fest that plagues every major WWE main event, but I don’t mind it here. This is meant to be an epic blockbuster between two of the biggest stars in wrestling of the post-Monday Night War era. It makes perfect sense for both guys to throw all of their deadliest ammunition at each other right out of the gate. Styles was in the midst of one of the hottest stretches of his career at this point, but Cena deserves just as much credit here. It’s kind of amazing. For all the times he’s proven that he can rise to the occasion in a big match situation, there are still anti-Cena bros to this day who’ll deny it every step of the way. His record of putting people over isn’t perfect, especially at SummerSlam, but what he does for AJ here is pretty selfless. I don’t think even his haters can deny that.

Overall, SummerSlam 2016 isn’t a bad show by any means but, again, the length ensures it will inevitably start to drag. A shame, because there’s probably a pretty good show somewhere in here. It’s nice that the WWE is trying to make the biggest party of the summer feel important, but too much partying can make even the most diehard fan eventually feel pooped. 

My Random Notes

I can only imagine what someone like Jon Stewart really thinks of WWE’s comedy. I mean, he’s probably had plenty of experience doing his best with bad material, but you’d have to think he had to grin and bear it here at several points.

In light of Sasha Banks’ recent spat with the company, I can really see why she’d be frustrated with her booking. Would it have killed them to have her hold the Women’s title for longer than a month? I know an injury is cited as the official reason she dropped the belt here, but it’s still the first of several instances of them yanking the rug out from under her.

Man, Enzo and Cass were so frickin’ over. They’re such laughing stocks now that it’s quickly become lost to time how much the fans were digging them. Of course, they only have themselves to blame for fucking it all up, but they really did have something special there for a bit. 

Dean Ambrose in his black torn shirt gives me some serious Bobby Heenan singlet vibes.

Funny how the pre-match hype package for Dean vs. Dolph centers so much around who Dolph Ziggler is because, as I’ve stated here previously, I still have no frickin’ idea who Dolph is supposed to be. He’s some anonymous hybrid of HBK, Mr. Perfect, Billy Gunn, and an ‘80s Trapper Keeper with literally no individuality. I find it ironic that he later got into a storyline where he kept changing gimmicks only to never find anything of his own. What a summary of his entire WWE career.

Hey, Balor may have had to surrender the title 24 hours later, but at least this meant him getting another run with the belt in the future, right? Right?!?

Man, Nikki Bella was so frickin’ over. Why does it feel like I’m repeating myself? In all seriousness though, people can hate on the Bellas all they want, but in no way should it be surprising that they still get big pops. They’ve done more for WWE’s mainstream visibility than a lot of other superstars allegedly have.

Speaking of Nikki, crazy to think that she’s only one in the six-woman tag to not hold the Smackdown Women’s title.

I can’t be the only one who felt a little kick to gut when they showed fans waiting outside the now-deceased Toys R Us. I don’t need another reminder that my childhood is dead.

When did Lana drop the accent? I don’t watch Raw and Smackdown weekly anymore, but it horrifies me to know I let this travesty pass me by.

I know some people were upset they allowed The New Day to surpass Demolition’s record for the longest reign as tag champs but I’m totally okay with the decision. Sure, they occasionally get into terrible storylines like this ringpostitis shit, but they’re incredibly over, sell a ton of merchandise, and can wring out some entertainment from even the worst material. If they really wanted to insult Demolition, they should’ve given that honor to The Ascension.

[transmortifried]

(no pics cause all the data’s on my brother’s computer)

okay so the premise was that the league (A.W.F.U.L, the ??? Wrestling Federation of Ultimate Legacy, don't remember the full acronym, probably amalgamated or something) was an interdimensional wrestling league kind of like mortal kombat, abducting fighters from across space and time.

the difference was that the aim of the nebulous board of shadowy figures overseeing its selections was terrible. the people it picked were very rarely fighters at all, and those that were, were rarely wrestlers.

So here's a really basic rundown of the roster under the cut:

Frank "The Frenchman" French member of the French Foreign Legion. made by my brother, i think as a sort of "take that" to both the "evil foreign wrestler" and the "cowardly frenchman tropes. personally, i thought he was a little overdesigned b/c he had like a demonic-motif eye and incredibly busy designs on his camo shorts, but he WAS the absolute first wrestler we made, so that's kind of forgivable. used john cena's entrance set to the french national anthem. was super satisfying to see him get the shit decisively kicked out of him which ran kinda counter to his original design statement, but what can you do. was designed to be a strong, well-rounded fighter, but never really got a chance to show what he could do. lost most of his matches in really grueling, drawn-out, kind of hard to watch fashions.

Mr. Perfect real name guccio versace. second wrestler we made. a men's fashion model before joining, he was a major heel and set up to be the champion, but eventually lost the title due to unforseen circumstances. decent performer, but relied too much on showboating and not enough on the wrestling part of wrestling. only wrestler i made with a named finisher, the Picture Perfect. looked as close to Handsome Squidward as i could manage in the engine. wore a mesh shirt a fur stole and jeans, which he tore off at the beginning of every match (not pictured due to engine limitations) to reveal neon short shorts. the whole time i was sculpting his face my brother was absolutely livid and horrified that i was mashing up his face meat like i was, but by the end he grew on us. my special garbage boy.

Micron theoretical physicist and superhero. got in an accident with a particle accelerator that gave him the power to greatly increase his density at the cost of size. this one i played with his moveset to replace as many moves with punches as possible. the idea was that "all his opponents were playing checkers, and he's playing boxing". maximum possible weight, minimum possible height, built like a brick shithouse and wearing power armor to boot. never actually did too well, in fact i think he never actually won a single match? had a tag team partner named Parsec that we quickly ditched for being boring and redundant. my greatest disappointment.

Platinum Angel, (formerly Eyesore) taken from a warehouse rave in berlin(?). to be honest, he never had a real strong concept, i just wanted to see what happened if i took somebody and applied as much holographic and glow-in-the-dark costume elements as i could. looked like the ass-end of a Spencer's Gifts threw up on a pile of Lisa Frank posters. surprisingly competent, though not top tier performer. i think he won a Money in the Bank one time, due to being the only one who remembered how to win the match, probably? literally hurt to look at.

Milwaukee Mike the epitome of a wrestler that wasn't supposed to be there. an orthodontist from milwaukee. middle aged father of one. wrestled in a dumb golf visor, fanny pack, cargo shorts, socks and sandals. channeled the spirit of connecticut clark when making him, totally by accident. gave him the absolute minumum offensive stats that the game would allow, but made the mistake(?) of giving him some decent defensive stats to compensate. made him to be a complete joke, and for him to get the shit kicked out of him a lot and for it to be funny how bad he was. ended up being the greatest wrestler of all time. the truest underdog, the rightful champion of the A.W.F.U.L.

Mike Jr. Milwaukee Mike's son. another from my brother. on rocky terms with his dad, who was also his tag-team partner. high school varsity wrestler, thinks that matches are following that ruleset. his ring attire was literally his wrestling uniform. decent showing, but never eclipsed his dad. one of my brother's better submissions tbh, a good counterpoint to milwaukee mike.

the Nega-Ref an evil clone of the A.W.F.U.L. referee, with a moveset based entirely around dirty fighting and moves that are as close to cheating as the game will let you get. the guardian of the dark realm that is the A.W.F.U.L. may or may not eat the souls of those he defeats in the ring. definitely eagle clawed the shit out of everybody's dick and balls. only still allowed to wrestle because management wanted him to weed out the week from facing the champ.

The World's Oldest Man, a.k.a the World's Oldest Champ a fighter as old as the universe itself, who has dedicated his immortal life to one thing and one thing only: wrasslin' good. only unleashed from his interdimensional time prison when it's time to defend his title. max height, max weight, max stats. incredible. untameable. a force like plate tectonics or gravity. built like a steamroller, hits like a wrecking ball. looked like "what if dave thomas from wendy's and bernie sanders in a freak teleporter accident but ripped". defeated in the title match by MILWAUKEE MIKE, by TAP OUT of all things, a move that even i, their creator, would have NEVER seen coming. proved that even a god can bleed and also have their limbs twisted up all hurty-like until they ask you to stop. we gave him a habit of calling milwaukee mike MICHAEL OF MILWAUKEE in a very dramatic voice, which was endlessly funny.

BEST OF THE REST:

My brother's creations, mostly tag team, that i never saw much of: - Luchador clowns - two guys whose gimmick was being generic and largely indistinguishable, as far as i can tell. a pain in the ass to comment their matches. - family of Born-Again Satanists, i think? - Literally Plato From Ancient Greece

my connection to wrestling currently starts and ends with listening to friends infodump about it and personally i think i’m better off that way