#most of the photos were blurry especially through the hills where the trees are much closer

[mctreeleth]

A couple of years ago for my birthday my parents decided they would pay for us to go on The Overland, which is the train between Adelaide and Melbourne - they had gotten to do part of it for practical, "needing to get somewhere without a car" reasons, but I had missed out, which is deeply unfair because I love trains. Just, so much. 

Trains delight me in the same way that an old mechanical sewing machine does, but I also love them in a more romanticised sense as well - as someone whose brain is always going every which way, with no real ultimate destination, who struggles with follow-through and maintaining momentum, trains are, frankly, aspirational. To me a train is like a cool older cousin who has their shit together, a wild animal you are sometimes lucky enough to spot out in nature, an amazing piece of engineering, and a monument to the amazing power of a society working together to make infrastructure, all rolled into one big machine that even non-sentimental people are sometimes willing to concede might just be the kind of technology to have a soul. I love trains.

So naturally I was pretty bummed when shortly after, covid hit and the borders closed, stopping the passenger train from running. Then came a brief period when the service looked like it would never restart, before the state governments stepped in with additional funding to keep the service going. Finally, the borders were open, we were all triple vaxxed, and me, Mum, Dad and my other train-loving sister were free at the same time to do Adelaide-Melbourne on the Sunday and Melbourne-Adelaide on the Monday.

Then the service got cancelled and replaced with a bus route. Then that happened again the following week. We still don't know if it was a case of not enough seats being occupied to make the trip economically viable for the company, or if something else was going on, but finally, we had confirmation; the train was going to be doing that trip, we were going to be on it.

We got to the station at the ungodly time of 6.45am for a 7.45 departure, and the lady at the counter made the usual casual conversation of "what are you travelling for?" type questions as she checked us in, and when Mum told her that she (pointing to me, basically vibrating with excitement) just really loves trains so we paid for the trip for her birthday, we’re coming back again tomorrow, the lady was like, oh yes, we get families doing that, and looked over at another family; mum, dad, visibly excited assumedly-also-autistic adult son seated in the terminal. They also went out to watch the locomotive being attached to the carriages, but they had booked in the premium carriages so we didn't see them except for again the next morning, as they also boarded back to Adelaide, the actual destination little more than a dull, 12 hour gap in the joyous experience that is getting to be on a train. 

I wonder if he was also the only one of his group not to have a nap on the journey. Being on a train is too interesting to sleep through, even if the majority of the journey is just wheat paddocks. Still, that is enough for my family to invent a wild conspiracy in the central highlands of Victoria regarding stolen windmill blades, which I am sure absolutely baffled the other people sitting nearby.

Travelling through the Adelaide Hills was definitely my favourite part, but there was also a few hours travelling alongside the highway that I drive to go back home, a drive I always spend hoping to see a train. I never do it at the same time as The Overland, but about a third of my drives I get to see the cargo train at some point. I hope all the drivers we passed were as excited to see us as I would have been.

We pointed out broken down classic car bodies and old boats in back yards that my sister and dad could buy and restore as we passed through tiny towns, even going so far as to drop some pins on google maps at ones they were thinking about maybe making a roadtrip to go and make an offer on. 

And we arrived in Melbourne, checked into our hotel, went to the casino for dinner, Mum and Dad played the pokies for half an hour while my sister and I found a bar and skulled two beers each, and then spent another half an hour battling fierce indigestion as we tried to all find each other to go back to the hotel. And then we got up very early the next morning, sat on the other side of the train, and went the other way. 

My family napped for a bit, Dad spent an hour eagle-eyed back on the other side looking for a boat in a paddock that Mum and I had spotted the day before, it rained a bit as we went through the hills again, we absolutely smoked a metro train that was going boring metro-train speeds though Lynton, and arrived 5 minutes early, which would have been a bummer for me but for the fact that I was still rising high on the thrill of going so much faster than that other train.

Dad thinks we should just do the whole of the east coast little by little, taking cheap flights when they come up to do the Melbourne-Sydney, Sydney-Brisbane, and Brisbane-Far North Queensland journeys over the next couple of years. I am very keen.

[tisfan]

Title: A Thousand Words Written by: @tisfan 3023 Square: S5 Tony Stark/T’challa Rating: teen and up Triggers/warnings: none Tags: were creatures, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Wakanda,  Created for: @tonystarkbingo Word count: 1897 Summary: Tony knows he’s not supposed to cross the border, but the call of a prize winning photograph is strong. When he finds his subject, things are more than they appear...

Fic for the Photographer / werecreature mood board

 “And how am I supposed to know where the Wakanda border is,” Tony Stark, award winning photographer, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, and self-proclaimed major annoyance, demanded. 

The guide only gave him one of those insufferable looks. “You will know,” he said. “And you must not venture over the border. Those who go to Wakanda often get sick. The disease will take its toll on your mind and body. If you even come back at all.”

Tony had used his considerable money and influence getting this far. One of his colleagues -- and his most loathed rival, if you wanted to pick nits -- had spotted a rare black panther. Keeping in mind that panthers were not, in fact, a real species at all, and Justin Hammer had all the keen insights of a brick, Tony was doubtful.

But the pictures of the great cat fleeing into the jungle had garnered national attention.

And Tony could take better pictures than ones of a blurry black cat. It might not even have been black, just bad lighting.

Whatever.

The point was, a melanistic tiger was a worthy photo subject, especially given how endangered tigers were, and that Tony could shine a spotlight -- metaphorically speaking -- on the species through some really good photos.

The problem was the creature seemed to live around the northern end of Lake Turkana. Which bordered on Wakanda. And Wakandans were very unwelcoming to visitors. Given that most of the rest of the continent had been invaded by northern Europeans and stripped of their rights and resources, and Wakanda had been spared that fate, Tony didn’t really blame them.

But that did mean that they wouldn’t give him permission to enter their country on a wild cougar chase.

He didn’t even get a meeting with the Wakandan ambassador himself; his message went through intermediaries, and all he got back was a no. No explanation or apologies. Just. no.  

Tony didn’t take no for an answer; he never had. It was both his best quality and his most annoying one.

He was going to get those pictures, with or without the Wakandans’ permission.

Of course, it would be easier if he could find the panther on the southern side of its territory. The Kenyan government had been all but falling over itself to accommodate him. Well, he’d have to hope.

Or sneak across.

“Why isn’t there any coffee from Wakanda,” Tony wondered, changing the subject. The guide wasn’t going to be going with him. Wildlife photo shoots were almost as dangerous as wartime shoots, and no one who could avoid it wanted to be that close to animals that might look at you like you were a snack. (Wartime photography was more dangerous, Tony knew for a fact, after spending three months as a prisoner of Ten Rings. If nothing else, a large cat wasn’t cruel. Just hungry. It wasn’t worth the cat’s time to keep Tony alive. If he was going to be kitty kibble, it would be over quickly, and he wouldn’t wake up from nightmares for more than four years now.) Tony’s mouth kept going without conscious input from his brain, because that’s what it did. “Kenya AA is some of the best coffee in the world. Burundi is an excellent bean. Why-- is there single source Wakanda bean?”

The guide gave Tony a condescending look. “The Wakandans do not grow coffee,” he said.

“Waste,” Tony muttered. “Well, I’ll stay out of their territory. No coffee, now that’s a hardship.” He would know Wakanda borders by all the sleeping guards. Got it.

*

He recalled the conversation, looking down at the grass. He didn’t know much about grass, really, except that it was green (usually) and growing on the ground (primarily) and that sometimes people made a fuss about how long it was in the yard.

You will know the Wakanda border when you see it.

Yeah, okay, so why didn’t anyone bother to mention the grass was fucking purple? You’d think that would be a relatively easy thing to say. Purple grass means do not trespass here. 

And it wasn’t just purple, Tony noted, kneeling. It was glowing. Very faintly, in the growing darkness, but it did make the small area very, very noticable.

Probably more so at night than during the day. Purple grass, it could be a thing, right?

Unfortunately for the purple grass, the damn panther had been seen-- well, just on the other side of that hill. Tony’d spotted it out in the plains, running along after some long-legged deer. Antelopes. Whatever. Probably not a gnu, except that Tony wouldn’t know what a gnu looked like if it bit him. 

He’d gotten a few action shots, but even with the telephoto lense, he really hadn’t gotten any good, personal shots.

He was just going to have to ignore the guide and cross over the border. Right? Wouldn’t hurt anything. In, take some pictures, out. No one had to know.

Stepping into Wakanda territory shouldn’t have felt like taking a step on the moon, but somehow, it sort of did.

Everything seemed softer, more natural, better. Fresher. Tony was obviously being influenced by the mythos and mystery that surrounded the place. Stupid, primitive monkey brain. He ignored the sense of awe and foreboding and crept toward the jungle.

He’d seen the great cat enter the trees, dragging its kill-- surely it would be too occupied with its meal to notice him. Animals didn’t hunt for sport, and eating an already killed and tasty gazelle was a better use of calories than catching one scrawny human photographer whose muscle tissue was flavored by cheeseburgers and kale smoothies.

He tugged on the night vision goggles, which brightened the landscape up considerably, and it wasn’t long before he saw the cat, laying on the branch of a tree, overseeing a small clearing. Tony was just to the edge of the woods and found himself a blind spot to sit, upwind of the great cat, before he noticed--

There were already people in that clearing, sitting outside of a low tent. One was kneeling near the gazelle, the other was poking at a small box that looked very much like a microwave, but couldn’t be, because no one dragged a microwave out into the jungle, did they?

Tony turned his camera carefully; with people nearby he had to be even more careful about making noise. A cat might be evaded. People were predation hunters. If they thought he’d desecrated their country or something, they would track him down.

One woman, one girl. The cat was watching them, and they obviously knew it was there. They were speaking a language that Tony didn’t know, and had never heard. But they were addressing some of their remarks to the cat.

Maybe that was it, Tony decided. Some cultures raised hunting dogs, or falcons, and those animals, over time, had grown into different colors and sizes that arose in nature. Look at the black lab, to the pekinese, to the dachshund. No one would think they all originally came from wolves. The black panther could be nothing more than a specially trained domesticated cat.

Which would be fascinating, but he’d have to consider very, very carefully if he wanted to publish those pictures, since it would be immediately obvious that he’d trespassed to get them. Didn’t matter. He’d decide later. Pictures now. He would be no sort of photographer at all if he let the opportunity pass him by. 

Tony took dozens of pictures; of the two women, one with black hair, the other with white, but both beautiful. Of the cat, lounging in the tree. Of the dead gazelle, neck neatly snapped but unmarred by the cat’s teeth otherwise.

Finally, whatever meal the one woman was cooking was done, and she said something to the other -- the smells were amazing. Tony’s stomach reminded him that he hadn’t eaten in a while, but he didn’t dare even try to get one of his granola bars out.

He focused on the meal. One, two… three. Three plates. The woman hesitated, sighed, and then made a fourth plate.

Tony blinked, then realized to his horror, that the cat was-- 

Coming right at him.

Tony took several pictures by reflex alone, which is the only reason why, later, he could convince himself that he hadn’t gone insane.

“You may as well come to dinner,” the cat-- the CAT? Said, walking toward him, body moving, and then shifting up onto two legs, and finally, a man stood there in front of him, noble and strong and pure and-- smiling?

“Tony Stark. I should have known you would not be so easily disuaded.”

Tony blinked and looked up at the man. There was something cat-like about him in his grace and figure. Very long, dexterous fingers reached down. “Come on up out of there. We’ve known you were there, the whole time. Do not think you can sneak up on the tribe of the Panther God. One of these days, it will get you into trouble.”

Tony reached for the man’s hand, not entirely sure if he was dreaming, or hallucinating in the last moments of his life. 

“You know me?”

“I am T’challa,” the man said. “You requested an audience with me, to plead your case. Of course I know who petitions me.”

“Your majesty,” Tony said. And then, because his brain was still running full cycle, he blurted out-- “You’re like, a werecat?”

T’challa scoffed, and the girl behind him made an even ruder noise. “No. We are not cursed monsters, like in your horror movies,” T’challa said. “It is a gift from the gods.”

“I don’t believe in God,” Tony said automatically.

“That’s all right, Mr. Stark,” the girl said, bringing a mug of something fragrant to drink. “God doesn’t believe in you either.”

“What happens now?”

“Now? Now you drink, and you have dinner, and after dinner, we will return you across the border,” T’challa said. He pressed the cup into Tony’s hand, and there was something in his eyes that didn’t allow for refusal. “You will, unfortunately, contract one of the jungle fevers. You will wake up in a few days, and you will have forgotten all about this night. You have seen nothing. You will remember nothing.”

“What--”

“It’s that, or we could kill you,” the girl said.

“Shuri--”

“I’m just saying, there are options.”

“But I--” Tony protested. 

“We are not stealing your memories,” T’challa said, and led him over to the fire. “We are only taking back that which you first stole from us. It is fair, and right, and you will never miss it.”

It was fair.

But-- the things he’d seen, that he’d photographed. They couldn’t be lost. And maybe they wouldn’t be. His camera uploaded automatically every ninety minutes. If he could just delay, the pictures would be on a Stark satellite and then downloaded to his home network. 

“All right,” he said. “Dinner, and you can tell me about your gods.”

When Shuri rolled her eyes, Tony added, “Does it matter? I won’t remember it anyway. What possible harm can it do for me to know, just for tonight?”

T’challa laughed, warm and rich and appealing. “You are a stubborn man,” he said. “I like that. Sit, share a meal, and listen to our tales.”

Ninety minutes…

Surely, the stories would take ninety minutes.

[zeltricstudio]

'CAPTURE THE MOMENT'

DAWN

AUGUST 2015

“What is this shit?” Tony said as he slapped a few polaroids onto the table. The pictures were of a blurry figure in the woods at night

“Proof” Johnny replied as he lit a cigarette

“This isn’t proof. This is blurry nonsense”

“No it’s not, it’s an unknown creature in the woods” Johnny said, not paying as he continued smoking

Tony took the cigarette from Johnny’s mouth and put it out.

“Hey! I was up in the woods till 2 am trying to get you these photos, that’s gotta be worth something” Johnny said, sitting upright

“I have been very patient with you Johnny. I covered for you when you missed deadlines, showed up reeking of alcohol and even when you feel asleep in the bathroom but this is one incident too many” Tony said, rubbing his temples in frustration

“Come on, you know how hard I work-“ Johnny began to talk but was cut off

“Oh I know. All you do is fuck all, and taking shitty pictures. If I wanted shitty pictures I would do it myself”

“Please, give me one more chance, I promise I’ll fix up my act” Johnny begged

“Okay” Tony took in a very deep sigh “I’ll give you one more chance, but if you fuck this up I am done with you” Tony said sternly

“Okay thank you, I promise I won’t mess this up”

“Stop with the false promises, just actually do it. If I don’t see some goddamn proof of something in those fucking woods you’re getting the boot. Now get out of my office!” Tony yelled.

“Thank you once again, I promise not to let you down” Johnny said as he quickly got out of the room. He knew better than to push his luck when Tony got angry with him.

“Fucking prick” Johnny said once he was out of the room and the door was closed. Johnny lit another cigarette and proceeded to make his way out of the building.

Johnny was a competent photographer working for the Happyvile Paper but it didn’t take long before his charm would wear off and people began noticing he was not as good as he claimed to be. At first his excuses could past but now his boss was beginning to get annoyed with how bad he was. Johnny knew if he wanted to keep his job, he was going to need something good to show his boss. Johnny returned to his apartment and once inside, he put his equipment onto the ground and immediately fell onto his sofa, not bothering to change out of his work clothes as he went to bed.

A few hours later, around 7 pm he was woken up by some loud banging.

“Who the fuck is that?!” he shouted out, still laying on the couch

“It’s Ella”

“Oh shit” Johnny whispered to himself as he immediately sat upright and tried to make himself look presentable. “One moment” he said as he straightened his jacket and pants. Johnny slicked his hair back and opened the door.

“Hello love-“

“You’re a piece of shit” Ella said as she pushed herself past Johnny into the apartment.

“Come on it” Johnny said and closed the door

“I can’t believe you forgot” Ella said with a pissed off tone in her voice

“I didn’t forget, I just took a nap is all. I was going to call you”

“Oh yeah, where are we eating?”

“Uh- well um- there’s- there’s this uh” Johnny began stuttering, trying to think of someplace

“God, I can’t believe you!”

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been caught up in work is all”

“With work? Getting drunk in the woods and taking pictures of trees isn’t work at all”

“Babe please-“

“Take your ‘babe please’ and shove it. I feel like I’m the only one trying to put in any real effort into this relationship”

“I put plenty effort into this relationship, okay? Sorry if I forgot this one time”

“I’ve made dinner plans the past 7 times! I’m the one who is constantly changing my schedule to suit yours! The amount of times we’ve had to go to the pub because you ‘forgot’ fucking hurts” Ella said, using her fingers to make air quotes for the word ‘forgot’

“Look, I’m having a really bad string of luck, just please, let me deal with work first and I’ll focus on us okay? If I do this next assignment well, I promise to take you out to a fancy dinner. I’ll make plans and everything”

Ella stood there in silence, angrily fuming as Johnny patiently waited, giving her sad eyes to gain sympathy

“You promise?” Ella asked

“Yes, 100% I promise” Johnny said with sincerity in his voice

“Okay, but I’m serious if you forget we. Are. Over!” Ella said and began leaving the apartment

“Thank you babe, I love you so much-“

“Go fuck yourself” Ella said as she slammed the door shut on her way out.

“Fucking hell” Johnny said once she was out and laid back onto the couch. After a few minutes, Johnny sat back up and lit another cigarette, before taking his laptop out of his bag and turning it on. Johnny searched “creature sightings in Sunshine” and began looking through various links. Most were obvious clickbait headlines, but one caught his attention. “The Dawn Animal Study Group”. Johnny began reading it and this was the ticket he needed. Lots of discussions about various creature sightings in Dawn and a few more images of possible creatures, but none with enough clarity. Johnny saw a number to one of the members and called them.

“Hello?” the voice on the other end spoke

“Hey mate, this is uh Jim calling about your latest photo in the study group animal thing”

“Well hello Jim, the name’s Zac. I’m glad you’re interested in our study group”

“Very interested. I’m a photographer and I love exploring wildlife and all that” Johnny said, trying to fake his enthusiasm

“I agree. Was there something you called about specifically?”

“Yeah, I was wondering if you might know of any good spots to take pictures. I tried in Happyvile but there is just nothing here”

“Happyvile? That is quite far away, are you sure?”

“Oh definitely. Got the weekend free, I am prepared to just get out there and spend the weekend taking pictures”

“Well that’s wonderful to hear. If you’re serious I might know a few spots you could head to”

“Great, that works”

“We all are exploring different parts, I’ll give you an unmarked area to explore. Who knows, you might be the first in finding something new. If you drive out to Camp Star National, you can park your car their and go venturing into the woods. It’s near a trail so if you get lost you can find your way back”

“Cheers mate, you’ve been a great help”

“Anytime. Take care”

“Take care”

Later that night, Johnny began researching about the trail and how to get there. Thankfully he was a frequent camper so he had all the gear ready to go. Johnny called Ella to let her know where he was going.

“I’m not here at the moment, please leave a name and number and I’ll get back to you *BEEP*”

“Hey babe, I’m going to be heading into Dawn tomorrow for my assignment. Normally I would ask you but I know you’re mad so I’ll just give you some space. I promise when I get back, I’ll get to work on making those dinner arrangements” Johnny hung up the phone and went to bed.

The next morning, Johnny woke up early at 5 am and began making his drive. After 2 hours of driving, Johnny arrived at Camp Star National. Johnny went to the Ranger’s Station to report in.

“Name?” The Ranger asked as he clicked his pen

“Johnny Finn” Johnny replied

“How long will you be camping?”

“2, 3 days”

“Have you been camping before?”

“Yes, plenty of times”

“Okay, I know you know the basic rules but I got to go over them”

“Yeah I know” Johnny said as he began lighting a cigarette

“1. No littering of any kind. This includes clothing, camp gear and other item, especially cigarettes.” He said and eyed Johnny, who stopped himself and put the packet back into his pocket

“Whatever you bring with you, you take back with you.

2. No hunting or disturbing the wildlife.

3. If you have animals, make sure to clean up after them.

And 4. No going beyond the yellow tape”

“Yellow tape” Johnny asked, curiously

“We are still exploring the area and making a trail. Anything past the yellow tape is unexplored and most likely not safe to go through”

“Ah right”

“Yep. Please sign this to acknowledged you heard the rules and agree to them. Failure to comply can result in a fine”

Johnny signed the paper and he began setting out to explore. Johnny ventured off the main path and continued walking through the dense woods. The further Johnny went, the less he saw people camping and eventually he was all alone until he came across the yellow tape. Johnny thought for a few seconds and thought ‘fuck it’ and went anyways. He most likely would be returning the next morning and figured he couldn’t get lost easily. Johnny ducked under the tape and went off.

After a few hours of walking it began to get dark. Johnny was prepared to set-up camp until he noticed something in the distance. Johnny saw what looked to be train tracks that were still intact. Johnny followed the tracks for a bit and that’s when he noticed there was movement ahead. There was a group of men in black clothing moving what looked to be a metal box on wheels. The box was strapped down with chains and was shaking violently as whatever inside was trying to get out. Johnny would’ve turned away but he needed something and this was the best he was going to get. Johnny put his equipment down and took his camera with him as he slowly trailed behind the men, sticking to the trees.

As Johnny trailed behind, he began silently snapping a few more pics. The tracks lead to what appeared to be a tunnel. The entrance to the tunnel was closed off by security fences with a sign on them saying “NO TRESSPASSING”. The men removed the fence and wheeled the metal box through before closing it. Once the men began descending, Johnny waited and looked around and once the coast was clear, he climbed the fence over and began his descent. Soon it began to get darker and darker and Johnny took out his lighter to light the path. The closer Johnny got, the more the rotten smell began to intensify. It was putrid, so Johnny hiked his shirt up over his noise to try and block out the smell. Johnny reached the bottom of the hill and contemplated if he should venture further into the tunnel.

“Fuck, fuck” he said quietly to himself, debating his actions. “Come on Johnny, you’ve come this far, don’t pussy out now” he reminded himself and continued walking into the tunnel. The tunnel was very wide, with 4 tracks running through. Some were still intact and others had been stripped and removed. The eerie silence and darkness didn’t help Johnny as his heart began beating faster. The sound of his feet and the flickering of his lighter were amplified in the tunnel and sounded much louder than they were. After a few minutes of wondering in the darkness, Johnny noticed a light in the distance. As Johnny got closer, he noticed a small living area had been set up. There were train carts that had been stripped of their wheels and some couches and folding chairs in poor condition strew around several barrels on fire, lighting up most of the area. Johnny could hear the men up ahead and went into a train car and hid in the darkness to peak on them.

“Okay, easy now” one of the men said as he and another man were setting down the metal box onto the ground and removing the chains.

One of the men from a side room walked into view, dragging a man who had been bound and gagged, viciously struggling against him.

“Relax pal, quit squirming” the man in black said before gut punching the bound man, making him double over and fall to the ground, curling up

“Okay we ready?” one of the men said

“Yeah” the others all agreed and all of the men left the area and went into the backroom. One of the men took out a small knife and stabbed the bound man in the arm.

“MMMMMM” the bound man tried screaming, but his gag prevented it.

The last man ran into the backroom and shut the door. The metal cage began beating faster and faster. Johnny was horrified but he still continued taking pictures, making a mental note to alert the Ranger to what was happening. The metal box began to break, first the hinges popped and then the chain surrounding the door broke free. The door popped open and a creature came tumbling out. The creature was the most horrific thing Johnny had seen. He appeared to be a humanoid figure, with most of the skin stitched together, giving the appearance of a melted man. His arms were massive and building out, as if there were about to pop. It’s head was covered in giant bubbles of flesh, obstructing his face. The creature got up and began walking over to the bound man, who tried to wiggle away but the pain was too much for him to push past. The creature grabbed the bound man by his neck and easily lifted him a few feet into the air, strangling him. The creature then grabbed his shoulder and began pulling the head apart. With a single motion, the creature tore the head off the man, spraying blood all over the area.

Johnny was in completely shock and nearly vomited, horrified at what he just witnessed. The creature was about to continue ripping apart the man, until he stopped and stared directly at Johnny. The sudden stare made Johnny stumble, giving away his location. The creature threw the man’s body at the wall, making a sickening splat noise as it hit the concrete with intense force. Johnny quickly got back up and began running to the exit as the creature began running. The creature’s footsteps were extremely heavy, making loud thuds as it slowly began closing in on Johnny. The darkness of the tunnel were suddenly illuminated by red lights that filled the entire room. With the entire tunnel lit up, Johnny began noticing all the dead bodies slumped against the walls. All of them were torn or destroyed, with their guts sprayed out and stretched across the walls. Johnny didn’t have time to stop as he heard the sound of mechanisms activating. Near the hill leading up, a giant metal gate dropped down and made an extremely thunderous slam as it fell to the ground.

“No no no no!” Johnny began screaming as he reached the gate. The bars were too tight together, not allowing enough room to squeeze past. Johnny turned around and saw the creature running towards him, followed by several more creatures rushing to him.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck!” Johnny kept screaming to himself, as the creatures surrounded him and charged at him. The first creature gripped Johnny by his throat and lifted him into the air silencing him as he began choking. Another creature grabbed Johnny by his arm and began tugging him. More and more creatures began grabbing Johnny’s limbs and began pulling. Almost simultaneously, all of Johnny’s limbs were ripped off, their blood spraying all over the gate and walls. Johnny’s head was detached from his body and thrown away. The creatures threw the body parts away from them, some hitting the walls and others hitting the gates. The creatures left the gate and returned to the tunnels.

“*BEEP* You have 2 new messages *BEEP*”

“Don’t bother coming into work today, you’re dead to me. If you show up, I’m calling the cops on you. You are officially fired!” Tony screamed and hung up.

“*BEEP*”

“I really thought you changed Johnny, I really hoped you did. But no calls, you’re not picking up. I’m done with you. Don’t bother calling me, I don’t ever want to see or hear from you again” Ella said and hung up.

“*BEEP*”

“We got anything?” A man in black asked as he put the phone down

“Nothing. Aside from a phone call to girlfriend and some guy named Zac, Johnny only told them he went to Dawn” Another man in black responded as he continued searching through Johnny’s apartment.

“Guess we’re done here”

The man in black pulled out a phone and called someone.

“We’re clean here. Johnny Finn died after being mauled to death by an angry animal. He shouldn’t have crossed the yellow tape”

“Understood” the man on the other end responded.

The man in black hanged up the phone and the two of them left the apartment.

[benvironment]

April Fool? Nope, a pine marten in my Lomond Hills garden!

There are no cats where I live up in the Lomond Hills, so even a cat appearing in my garden is enough to make me do a double-take and take a closer look. And that’s exactly what happened earlier this week when I came downstairs for breakfast, walked into the kitchen and took a fleeting glance outside to see what the weather was doing.

It was a beautiful sunny day, but because the sun had only just come up everything had a lovely deep orange glow, not least the garden fence. During my 2-second glance outside I noticed a ginger cat sitting on said fence, crouching on all fours where the fence abuts the shed. I peered through the dirty glass window for another look at the cat-sized animal.......and then realised it wasn’t a cat at all.

“Nooooo, it couldn’t be!” I thought.

Yes, it could!

It looked like a big stoat with a bushy tail, and as I grabbed my camera my heart nearly stopped I was so excited. The animal’s fur wasn’t the rich chocolate brown that I’d expect, but that’s because the low sun was turning it orange. It then climbed down onto the wood shed, had a sniff about and disappeared down a gap next to the fence.

After a few minutes I went out to take a look at where it had been, and found the footprints in the light snow. They were certainly larger than you’d expect for a stoat, and I snapped a pic next to my hand for scale.

I was 90% certain it was a pine marten but I couldn’t quite believe it. Not because they’re absent from Fife, far from it in fact. Pine martens did go extinct in Fife around the 1870s due to persecution and habitat loss, and were eventually confined to remote areas much farther north. But in recent years, aided by legal protection, they have slowly recolonised their former haunts and are expanding their natural range into the Central Belt.

I knew they’d been found at Devilla Forest way out by Kincardine, and a reliable, knowledgable friend had seen one a couple of years ago in the spruce plantations to the east of Bishop Hill, but I didn’t personally know of any sightings beyond those places.......which is more a result of me never actually having asked anyone I suppose! I’d reasoned that they had probably therefore moved east into Fife via forests like Pitmedden, Falkland and the ones near Ladybank, but I think I just assumed that the increasingly agricultural landscape cut by roads left right and centre, coupled with fragmented and scattered woodlands, would be something of a hindrance to their progress east.

Pine martens favour woodland, especially coniferous woodland.....but not exclusively so. They can do well in moorland and other upland places but tend to need scrub to do so, so I would never in a million years have expected to see a pine marten outside my house, on an upland farm,with open pasture all around it and at least 1km from the nearest woodland.

For all those reasons and more, I was trying to find alternative explanations. I considered maybe it was a ferret before I started doing that thing you do when you’re unsure of your ID skills. Even though the animal hadn’t moved in any way shape or form like a stoat - it was cat-like in its movements rather than the characteristically fast and jolting movements of a stoat - I started convincing myself it must have been a stoat. To be fair that seemed much more likely given the environment and the fact that I’d seen a stoat here before.

Then I remembered that I had a stuffed stoat that someone had gifted me a few years ago, so I fetched it and then tried to recreate the photo from the exact same vantage point, in order to gauge the scale of the two creatures.

The results were indisputable. The animal I’d seen that morning was much larger than the stoat and was clearly, to my great surprise and delight, a pine marten. Bonkers really, not least because in a recent article for Walkhighlands I said something along the lines of us generally having to go and rent a highland cottage for a week in order to see one. Which I did.......and I did:

Anyway I excitedly put my Fife photos on Twitter and asked people’s opinions without mentioning ‘pine marten’ as I didn’t want to steer people to a particular answer. Some people did accuse me of playing an April Fool with dodgy photoshopped images, which made me laugh as I hadn’t even realised it was 1st April. How typical that a possibly once-in-a-lifetime sighting outside my house coincided with April Fool’s Day ;-)

But most folk seemed to agree, and it did prompt some local people to say they had seen pine martens fairly close to here. One person spoke of sightings on the shores of Loch Leven, while someone else posted a wonderfully blurry (but very obvious) photo of a pine marten in their garden in Auchtermuchty:

The big scots pine forest of Pitmedden is close to ‘Muchty, and Fiona said that there’s over a mile of fields and town between her and the forest......so clearly that’s not a hindrance.

Even so, after all that I was surprised. I’d love to think that pine martens (plural) are settling down up here but I can’t see them doing so in any high densities given the habitat. Never the less, we do have plantations in the Lomonds that could (and probably do) offer refuge for pine martens. If you’re not familiar with the area, it looks like this:

Essentially it is open hillside with large patches of spruce, scots pine and larch plantations. Even though pine martens will clearly travel some distance away from their ideal habitats and across open fields, it really highlights the importance of having ‘green corridors’ i.e. areas of scrub or trees that connect the scattered woodlands together and act as a stepping stone for all kinds of woodland creatures, not just pine martens. Red squirrels for instance:

That’s something that has been done along the Leslie-Falkland hill road, with new woodland or scrub created at Maspie Den, Craigmead and Little Ballo to try and connect forests on either side of the Lomonds together. 

Mind you, that can be a fruitless task if the very forests you’re trying to connect together start to disappear. If you’re a regular visitor to the Lomonds, and to Harperleas or the Ballo in particular, it can’t have escaped your attention that the spruce plantation to the west is being cleared:

I don’t know how much is being cleared, or what the plans are for the other forestry blocks between Harperleas and the Bishop, but that’s the area of forest where my pal saw the pine marten. Plantations are a crop of course, but clear-felling is such a destructive and disruptive process that it can’t help but adversely impact on the creatures living there. 

My pine marten story doesn’t end here though, because by weird coincidence the very day after my sighting, a pal of a pal found a dead pine marten on the road between Scotlandwell and Kinnesswood:

There was some suggestion that it could have been the same one I’d seen, as it was only 4.5km away. It’s not impossible, as pine martens can range large distances in a day, but given there are at least two large plantations between us and that road I think it’s unlikely. And while it’s a sad sight to see, one that highlights the very obstacles to the pine marten’s expansion into the Central Belt, it does none the less offer hope that these wonderful animals are back in the Lomond Hills to stay.......assuming all the remaining forests aren’t clear-felled!

READ MORE

Meet the Pine Marten

Saving Red Squirrels (on the relationship between martens and squirrels)

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Big thanks to Mark for permission to use his pine marten pic. And to Fiona for letting me use the Muchty Marten pic :)