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buckets-and-trees · 2 years ago

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Me, HP, and she who should not be named

I no longer financially supporting JK Rowling in any capacity and will continue to maintain that position unless we reach a day where she publicly comes out in an active reversal of her TERF and anti-semitic views (taking action, not just making a statement).

But the Wizarding World that was created...

It's personal for me.

I'm going to pour out a bit of my soul here because I need the catharsis and my own resolution, not because I'm looking to argue, persuade, or dictate to anyone on any level, but I need to make this post for me. There may be people out there who are grappling with the complications as much as I am, and so that's why I'm sharing this, but I will not be engaging in any arguments. Full stop.

I got the first book in paperback in an airport when we were flying to my grandma's house for Christmas, and I devoured it. Two weeks later, I asked for and received books two and three for my thirteenth birthday. Eighteen months later I eagerly waited for the postal worker to deliver Goblet of Fire to my doorstep from this website called Amazon that had made this insane industry-changing promise to have books in our hands the day it was released.

Three weeks later, my family was abruptly uprooted and moved to a new city. Harry, Hogwarts, and these books were my lifeline until I finally made new friends. I read Prisoner of Azkaban so much that the binding of my original copy split from being worn so much. I started writing my first ever fan fiction. It was pretty awful. I typed it and printed it out. I still have it in a binder on my bookshelf because ... it's the second thing I ever wrote. (The first thing was a two-page short story assignment in my eighth grade English class only a few months before.)

My oldest and longest best friend of my life? One of the girls I met during that tumultuous freshman year of high school when we discovered a mutual love for Harry Potter. My mom (single mother) and I had to drive a lot of places together, and I read the books aloud to her in the car.

I didn't get to midnight-release Order of the Phoenix, but I did get to with Half-Blood Prince.

I discovered online fan fiction through Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean, but after HBP's release I went down the rabbit hole of the HP fandom. I got caught up in the "Romance > Other Pairings" category on a HP fanfic site that no longer exists but had quite an active community for many years where submissions for all categories on the site were moderated by real human fans. There was a forum with houses, challenges, a "book club" and a "review club", writing classes, fic exchanges, and annual awards. I became a mod on the site, taught a "Rare Pairs" class, was active in my house, was part of the elite review club...

But most importantly, in that era, I made lifelong friends that I still am in touch with. I met one of my best fandom friends who lived in the same city as my grandmother. I flew to Kentucky for a 4-5 day house party with four of those fandom friends. I went to the Phoenix Rising conference in New Orleans in May 2007 with three other fandom friends where I got to be a featured drabble writer during one of the sessions and met the guy who was "The Remus Lupins" during the heyday of Wizard Rock. At that conference, I got tapped to be part of a "readers discussion" Borders filmed ahead of the release of the final book where all we debated was "Snape: good or evil" for an hour. (When Borders ceased to exist as a company, there website and all content was wiped from the known internet world so...if you're wanting to internet sleuth it, be my guest, I would LOVE to ever see that footage again, but I've never been able to find it while scouring the world wide web.)

One of my best fandom friends flew to my house for a week for the release of Deathly Hallows so we could read and revel together. The next year I flew to Sweden to spend seventeen glorious days with two of my other best fandom friends who lived an hour outside of Stockholm.

I was one of the people who did the chance/lottery thing in order to be one of the only one million fans given the beta access to Pottermore when the site was first launched in 2011.

One of the things my stepdad and I initially were able to start bonding over when my mom got remarried was that he actually had read the books and loved them.

I watched A Very Potter Musical the first summer it came out on YouTube. Potter Puppet Pals. The shit show of content censoring on LiveJournal that spurred the creation of AO3 and a mass exodus to this fairly new social media thing called tumblr? I was there for all of it.

I went to DC and spent a week with another fandom BFF who I had not only a HP podcast with, but we also did a little over three years/four seasons of a Downton Abbey podcast together.

A couple of years after I graduated from college, did a year-long internship, then got my first full-time job, moved out, put a year under my belt there, and then started to realize I needed...hobbies and to meet new friends in my town, my aunt suggested I join some groups on meetup.com and I joined this one that was a HP book club on a silly goofy whim but I was like, psh, I'm not probably even going to go to that one... but the girl who organized it messaged me, personally invited me, they were only on the second week of the book club, and I decided to actually go and... went to that group of 25-30ish year old adult book club for three years. We cycled through the book series twice.

My first ever solo trip was to go to Harry Potter World in LA. I

That's the stuff I can define specifically for you when it comes to the deep roots Harry Potter has in my life.

But that's not even touching the deep roots it established in my identity and my worldview.

This was a world that launched my imagination as a CREATOR. I wrote hundreds of thousands of words in this fandom, created multiple WIP/AUs, established intricate head canons, and read absolutely more fanfics than I can even begin to count.

But the devastating thing for me - and I think so many of us...

This was a narrative that taught me about censorship, governmental corruption, acceptance, love, standing up for what was right. I remember when she came out saying Albus Dumbledore was gay and how controversial that was. That IRL adult Harry Potter Book Club? We fucking read Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince, and Deathly Hallows during the Trump presidency and at length discussed the horrors of the political similarities.

There are things now that I look back and see clearly were red flags... the name Cho Chang, lack of diversity in any major characters, calling Harry/Hermione shippers "delusional" in one of her biggest/most notable interviews by fans for fans and then coming out ten years later saying she was totally wrong and should have put H/Hr together...

Daniel Radcliffe wrote this essay for The Trevor Project in 2020 when the woman started to publicly make her reprehensible views known. He closes that essay in a way that resonated with me then and continues to be a balm to my soul now:

To all the people who now feel that their experience of the books has been tarnished or diminished, I am deeply sorry for the pain these comments have caused you. I really hope that you don’t entirely lose what was valuable in these stories to you. If these books taught you that love is the strongest force in the universe, capable of overcoming anything; if they taught you that strength is found in diversity, and that dogmatic ideas of pureness lead to the oppression of vulnerable groups; if you believe that a particular character is trans, nonbinary, or gender fluid, or that they are gay or bisexual; if you found anything in these stories that resonated with you and helped you at any time in your life — then that is between you and the book that you read, and it is sacred. And in my opinion nobody can touch that. It means to you what it means to you and I hope that these comments will not taint that too much.

Some people are boycotting the Wizarding World in its entirety - some on principle, some because it's too painful to entertain on any level - and I'm not going to tell anyone else what they should or should not do.

I'm doing what my soul longs for, which is a complete rejection of JKR and a reclamation of the parts of something that became irrevocably part of me and on so many levels made my life better. When I look at some of my merch, I get angry, want to give my sweatshirts away...

But when I think about the stories, the lore, the things that I wrote, the things some of my dearest friends wrote, the ideas that have recently percolated in my head? Those still bring me joy. Those still inspire me.

I think Harry Potter should get to belong to us - like Greek and Roman mythology, One Thousand and One Nights, Robin Hood, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

If the Nicean Council got to bastardize/dictate/set the precedent for Christianity, why not us? And if you read down this far and are like, whoa, equating HP to a religion? That's a bit much... well. It was as personal to me as organized religion, which I'm also extricating myself from and have spent the past few years trying do sort out and define my own spirituality after coming to the point that I realized I needed to reject the organization I was born into and raised in.

As I said near the top of this post, I'm not looking for anyone to agree or disagree. I've documented some of what's been in my head and my heart here to sort it out for myself. There may be people out there who are grappling with the complications as much as I am, and so that's why I'm sharing this, but I will not be engaging in any arguments. Full stop.

And this is where I'll leave it.

#an aspen thing

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brooklynislandgirl · 11 months ago

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Tagged By: The lovely Carrie @grimmusings and thank you, dear! Tagging: Be Fae, Steal this. ~*~

I. how long have you been roleplaying?

I do not even know how or where to begin answering this because I do believe I was a freshman in high school when I was first introduced to D&D {Dragonlance was the world/setting} and I took to it like a fish to water. A long time after that, I was introduced to the early days of the internet and the concept of real-time chats {mIRC}. I met my future husband in one, and the two of us then found an rp chat. Within a few weeks, we'd been asked to co-run a portion of that rp. About six months later, we were living together, and running that game, a couple in real life, and others. Fast forward a million years and a million iterations of online rp and here we are. {{AOL, MSN communities/chat, Eyechat, InvisionFree and other message boards, private email/etc, and now- Tumblr and Discord. I've pretty much been there, done that with almost every place. Except Twitter, and Facebook.}} II. what got you interested in roleplaying?

I have been a lifelong reader. I was diagnosed as a "gifted" child in the days of yore, mostly because I was reading by the age of four, and I think at some point, I wanted to make stories too. My very first fan-fiction began at the age of 8. Tabletop RP is still my first rp love, though online rp has become a close second. If RP didn't exist, I would still be around somewhere, writing stories and living inside of my own imagination. III. are there any lesser played canon characters you’d like to see in your community?

I have a complicated relationship with canon characters. Two of my oldest friends and I are often dismayed. Back in OUR day, canons were rare and treated with a certain suspicion and disdain. And unfortunately, a lot of people seem to be trapped in a mindset that Canon are the be-all, end-all and don't give OCs a fair shake because they had 'one bad experience, once, a hundred years ago'. Or the whole 'I don't know how to interact with you' even if the OC is built for your fandom, and yet your top three partners are other canons from fandoms that have nothing to do with yours. <eye roll>. I think I find something very disingenuous about that when I see a lot of 'canons' that seem to have only a vague idea about their muse, choose only the flavour of the month fc for them, and just generally come across as ooc/lazy/sloppy. But I am a fandom dinosaur, with a background in creative writing, novel-writing, and 20+ years of rp experience. My standards are so incredibly high. That being said... Justified, Dark Shadows {not the Johnny Depp monstrosity} anyone/thing from the World of Darkness, Dragonlance, Foggy Nelson, Firefly, Vertigo/Indie comics, Valiant Comics....Horatio Hornblower, Sharpe's Rifles, and any historical genre, really. IV. would you consider writing them?

For the right reasons, the right partner, yes. But most of the time I prefer telling new stories in a beloved world/au. V. what do you enjoy the most about creating ocs? I bet you'd NEVER guess that I am really neurotic/overly serious when it comes to making a character. I will sit there for literally months, contemplating their every minute of life before and up to the moment I am ready to debut them. I will know 12 generations of their family. I will know a couple dozen fandoms they might fit in and how they would relate to things. The only aspect I don't really control or try to map out is what canon and other oc muses they might get on with. That's part of the fun of actual rp, forging connections.

Maybe the trouble is...I want to give everyone my absolute best. I want to offer a rewarding experience to people, and thus the standards I carry for myself are excruciatingly severe. But I *can* be silly and fun, once the story begins.

#Absolutely True Stories About Turtle

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adeathsentence · 2 years ago

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KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. ( REPOST DO NOT REBLOG ! )

○ name: Ash

○ pronouns: Yes.

○ preference of communication: D/iscord for sure.

○ name of muse(s): Andrea Labonair Hayley Marshall and then there's all the lads at wronglyrighteous and brokencanbefixed.

○ experience/how long (months/years?): Lifelong RPer, but online? Since ~2008.

○ platforms you’ve used: Bebo, Tumblr, D/iscord

○ best experience: All the lovely people I've met over the years--some of whom I lost touch with--but the memories remain.

○ rp pet peeves / dealbreakers: Trying to pit me against others/involve me in drama. I'm just here to write with friends, but somehow that has given others in the past the impression I'm somehow on their side in some petty war they have going on with someone else. I'm Switzerland. I don't deal with that madness except with a block.

○ fluff, angst, or smut: All three work for me!

○ plots or memes: Both.

○ long or short replies: Both.

○ best time to write: Usually in the evening when the day's finally balancing out.

○ are you like your muse(s): Like Hayley? Ha, no. Not in any way shape or form lmao. If I had to choose which of my muses I'm most like, it would be a mix of musical tastes (Dean) and personality/demeanor (Sam/Klaus). I've always been the younger sibling that the older had to take care of and wanted to break off/make my own way in the world (Sam) but have the fatherly issues and anger Klaus dealt with due to his parentage. Sam as well. XD

tagged by: @therebekahmikaelson & @demcnsinmymind

tagging: @xxgotthedevilinsidexx & @psychiclegacy because I think just about everyone else I know has been tagged lol.

#sounds like a bad reality show: ooc

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cherylstiredthoughts · 2 years ago

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Lonely Thoughts of an International Student

In search of stability and belonging.

I doors ding open and I walk in, scanning for a seat. A window seat, by the corner, as I tend to like, was available. I sat down, pulled my phone out from my pocket and peeled off my coat. Every morning during my thirty minute commute to the campus, I listen to music and scroll through Instagram. It has only been three months since I last saw my family in Singapore but that feels like a lifetime away. I swipe through the endless Insta-stories of my family members, friends I have long lost contact with, and the many others in between. Every day, the same routine. Every day the longing to learn more about their lives beyond the glimpses of fifteen-second videos.

Over the last five years living abroad, I have missed many births, dinners, laughs, movie nights, weddings, and concerts with the people I love. There is something very lonely about being an international student. In a constant state of transition and liminality, no personal connection or relationship ever feels concrete or permanent. I do have my lifelong friends, close family members, and my partner dear to my heart but the constant state of transition is something I find I don’t share, can’t share with many dear to me.

I swipe, and swipe, and swipe. There, I saw the familiar silhouette of this girl I used to share a flat with in my first year living abroad. She’s dyed her hair and looks a little different, dressed a little differently, posed with her new boyfriend, sharing about their little vacation. I haven’t talked to her in years now. I think back to how close we used to feel to each other. Having most of our lunches, dinners, and party attendances together. Now she is nothing but a distant memory. I cannot tell you more than that she’s a lawyer and she has a new boyfriend. She looks happy though, and that’s nice to know.

I continue swiping through more faces of people that have briefly encountered my life but permanently remained in the periphery of my mind, showing up every time I swipe through social media.

A little video of my niece laughing and running down the mall’s corridor into her father’s arms shows up. The next video shows her having food and practicing using a fork. At least that’s what my cousin’s captions said. A wave of sadness and love comes over me. I have so much love for these people. Yet, they only exist in clips of videos. I have met her once. The last time I went back to Singapore at a family party. What even entitles me to say I love her? I miss my family. I hate that I watch them grow up online and learn about their likes and dislikes through captions curated by their parents. I have only ever seen them through the lens and perceptions of someone else as though I am looking at them through a piece of glass. Well, I mean, it’s not that far off.

A message notification pops up. It’s my partner telling me something about their day.

They are flying over to Manchester to see me in a few days and I miss them all the time. I know they are proud of me but sometimes I wish they had told me to stay. To not pursue an academic career through a prestigious, well-funded doctoral program. But alas, they are a good partner and naturally they encouraged me to pursue what’s best for me and our future, even if it means we live apart for four years, shuttling between borders on cramped airplanes and excruciating lines at airport security. During the two years I lived in Vienna, I found a home in and with them. Even then, it felt temporal. Not the relationship. The feeling of stability in a locality. It constantly felt like I was in a state of movement. I found somewhere I felt comfortable to call home, with someone I called family, and again, I moved. We have talked about settling in together after I finish my doctorate programme, but a part of me cant shake the feeling of insecurity in not knowing where that meant and how long it might be before I have to move again. Sure, I am very privileged that my constant state of liminality and transition is one of high prestige and comes with much economic and cultural capital benefit. But this sense of intense loneliness and disconnectedness I feel from the people I love can sometimes be very isolating. Sometimes, I fear making new friends, or deeper connections for the temporality of it all. Perhaps some might enjoy this temporality but in me, it induces deep feelings of loneliness. Some people see my life as ‘’glamourous’’ or ‘’admirable’’ but I don’t think I see it that way. At least not anymore.

#international student #life abroad #thoughts #liminality #transitions

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sandpaperdaisy · 2 years ago

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Autism Masking and (Unintended) Parasocial Relationships

CW: masking, tangential mention of adult themes (incest, drugs) without either being a topic of this essay

By “masking” I mean the ways in which an autistic person tries to navigate the neurotypical world, generally by putting on a persona or using a different social language in order to communicate with non-autistic folks more effectively.

By “parasocial” I mean a relationship that is real to the person who experiences it, but which does not exist outside their head and therefore is not an actual back-and-forth interaction between them and the other party with equal participation.

ONWARD TO THE BLATHERING:

So yesterday, I realized something. The way in which I mask causes me to experience parasocial relationships, or lend a parasocial aspect to real life relationships, even solid ones.

Keep in mind, everything I describe below may just be me. But if you recognize yourself anywhere in there, here's proof that you're not alone!

I mask by internally imagining every single interaction I am likely to experience with any person, ever. This allows me to test out several scenarios that may result from the various things I say and do, and select what I think will be the most successful one.

I do this because otherwise, I run the risk of seeming ��cold” or inconsiderate to the other person, and I would much prefer to be a good friend or associate to them. So I try very much to do the prep-work of thinking about their needs and motives BEFORE the interaction, so I won’t freeze up and ignore the other person’s needs and feelings DURING the interaction.

Generally, this has worked out satisfactorily for me and my associates, but it has its problems.

Problem 1: Friends feel analyzed.

First off, while most of my close friends and family are cool with it, at least one of them spent years chafing under the feeling of being analyzed relentlessly by me. She expressed her frustration with me “thinking so much” and looking at her like “a bug under a glass.” She also felt very judged by me. It truly hurt her to be studied so much, and that is valid and unfortunate.

Problem 2: Strangers feel uncomfortable!

Secondly, all of this pre-gaming on my part results in me living hundreds of years’ worth of lives and interactions in my head before they even occur, and frequently these interactions never occur. So if I carefully considered what to say to an artist I admire on the internet, who is not my friend or personal acquaintance, in the course of practicing how best to potentially converse with them I may have a parasocial relationship with them of several years’ standing. This is definitely the case with a couple of talented artists I admire.

When I have spent that much time observing them and approving of them in my head, if I DO eventually meet them or speak with them online I already have an extremely familiar manner with them. I am much too informal and intimate for someone who hasn't done anything to earn their trust in the real world, and who incidentally has no reason to trust them either.

This results in very understandable annoyance or discomfort for the person! It is also worth noting, that I am somewhat fortunate to be a female with this trait. Generally speaking, the recipients of my esteem feel no MORE than annoyance, because they have the sense (justified in my case) that I cannot physically harm them. If I were male, strangers I am overly friendly with might perceive more danger from my attention and feel genuine fear.

Problem 3: Emotional impact of fast-tracked friendships

There have been many times when people rejoiced from my putting in all that mental "work" ahead of time and immediately met me where I was in our parasocial relationship, instantly becoming my close friends. When this stuck, it resulted in deeply enriching and lifelong friendships (and a marriage) that persist to this day.

But it does not always stick.

From my end, this is because I can't anticipate everything. Many years ago, I had one very close friendship that began in this instantaneous (for them) manner and lasted for many blissful months. Then, one day, I discovered they enjoyed writing fiction that dealt with incest and serious psychological conflicts and suffering resulting from incestuous desires. They had a very large body of work dedicated to these themes and the incest was frequently treated in an approving manner. I did my best to approach their interests with an open mind, but I ended up failing to get past it.

Back then, I didn't see a good path forward other than to end our friendship since it was causing me to have nightmares and experience significant emotional distress. But you can imagine the pain and shock felt by my friend, whose real world experience was that I had instantly loved and befriended them and become a confidante, and now I was instantly withdrawing all love. Terrible, right?

This is the kind of thing that presumably could have been avoided if I had taken as many weeks and months to get to know them *with their participation* as I had already spent with them in my head.

Problem 4: Boys

This problem will likely apply to whomever would consider you to be a possible romantic partner. For me, it's usually been males. And considering the rigid constraints frequently placed on male emotional intimacy, it might lend itself most heavily to relationships with men.

When I've made one of these instantly emotionally intimate close friendships with a MALE, he has very often then experienced significant confusion and distress because generally, in his life experiences that would indicate I'm romantically interested in him.

This can lead to some real disappointment, and in one case possibly contributed to a close male friend's depression. To him, my freely given emotional intimacy and friendship indicated romantic love, so when I began dating, he was extremely surprised, confused, and deeply disappointed. That is not a pain I ever wished on him and it remains one of the deepest regrets of my life.

With all these pitfalls, why would you ever keep masking???

I do it because I've been doing it for over 4 decades and it's simply a part of me. If I were born without hearing, sight, or another sense there are many techniques and skills I would develop in order to still experience the life I want. As a gal who was born without a social sense, I mask! It's kind of like learning a second language on steroids (and meth and perhaps adderall).

This doesn't mean I don't believe in patience and accommodation, though. The ideal circumstance is when you've developed healthy skills to navigate the wide world AND folks are patient and open-minded when you need more help. And then you turn around and show people patience too!

Some of my masking is maladaptive and causes problems, as I've said above. For me the way forward is to know myself and know what I'm facing, and then just to keep trying my best to be a considerate mom, partner, friend, employee, and associate.

But if I've ever done any of this stuff to you, or if I ever do...know I'm genuinely sorry if you were hurt, I'd prefer to find a way that works better for us both, and you can always talk to me about it.

~Heather

#autism #masking #mental health #coping mechanism #maladaptive behaviors #friendship #male female problems #communication #testimony #personal story #psychology

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creepykuroneko · 5 months ago

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As a 90s kid, sociologist, and lifelong horror fan I would absolutely love to have this discussion.

My short oversimplified assumption would be that everyone regardless of if they are left leaning or right leaning who does not like horror likes to censor it so that nobody can partake in horror at all. I met so many people who claim to be left leaning but talk about how Coraline terrified them as a kid so they will never let their children watch Coraline. Despite the fact that we know it's important for kids to experience all emotions including fear in a safe contained environment. It helps get the brain juices going so they learn what can be done in certain types of situations. Plus, just because someone prefers horror over any other genre out there does not mean they're going to be an antisocial serial killer. It definitely does not help at all that every time you go online to find information on children's horror, you find Mommy bloggers or weird articles on other websites talking about how the only type of horror that is appropriate for children are things like Monsters Inc or waiting until a child is the age of 13 to slowly introduce them to movies I was watching by the age of four. Even when it comes to horror media that is intended for children, a lot of adults say that it may be too intense for anyone under the age of 15. 🙄

I can think of a lot of juvenile and ya horror books for kids but when it comes to TV shows and movies I can only think of a handful that have come out within the past 8 years. Which is a real shame because not only do children need a variety of entertainment to consume but the few recommendations I can't think of have very small fan bases because the networks chose to bury them where no one can find them.

If anyone is interested in my children's horror recommendations here is a brief list:

Victor and Valentino: cartoon show that only ran a few seasons on cartoon network. Set in mexico, it is about two half siblings who go to stay with their grandmother in Mexico for the summer and weird Supernatural things ensue. The boys are of Mexica heritage so apart from each episode being creepy, it also ties in Aztec deities (yes we do get to meet several Aztec gods in the show 😺) and lore specific to Latin america. They have some really good creepy episodes.

Nightbooks by J.A. White I recommend both the book and the movie adaptation on this one. Yes the movie does very slightly from the book but that's okay. Both are good. The protagonist is a young boy who absolutely loves horror and wants to be a horror writer. Main hobby though has alienated him from the kids in his class to the point where he doesn't have any friends. One day he falls into a magical world and is trapped by an evil witch who demands he tell her a scary story every night or she will kill him. I absolutely love the actress who plays the witch in the movie, she is over the top campy and hilarious. It's a cheesy children's horror movie, it's not meant to be deep.

Frankelda's Book of Spooks is a Charming. Stopmotion show from Mexico. The host is a ghost named Frankelda. In each episode, Frankelda reads a story from her book to the audience. there is some bigger mystery going on in the background but the show only vaguely eludes to it. Supposedly there is a movie in the works that will explain more. Unfortunately the show was a little simplistic, each episode has some sort of lesson to teach the audience, it does so in a not so subtle almost patronizing way but the animation is genuinely beautiful, love the character designs, and it is a silly horror show at the end of the day. Nothing good happens to any of the children in her stories so it is different compared to most children's horror media.

Wednesday could definitely be considered horror. I know everyone is quick to condemn it because they see Tim Burton credited but don't worry he was just a producer. He did not write, direct, or cast anyone. The show follows Wednesday as she is being forced to go to the private Academy her parents met at when they were her age after she is expelled from her last school. Things get interesting for her as she finds out there is a serial killer on the loose, a monster stalks the woods, and someone tries to kill her in the first episode. The show is not bad and Wednesday actually does get some good character development. The problem is outside of her and one other character, the rest of the characters feel underdeveloped, the pacing does feel a tad off, there are a lot of red herrings that are pretty easy to figure out but then again it is important to keep in mind it is based off the juvenile book series so some of my criticisms might be more from an adult's perspective. Minor spoiler that I never see anyone talk about, her roommate is a werewolf.

Wendell & Wild is another fun stop motion animated horror movie that needs to be on everyone's shelf right next to coraline, paranorman, and The Nightmare Before christmas. In fact it even has the same director as Coraline and The Nightmare Before Christmas, Henry Selick. Wendell and Wild is about a teenage girl named Kat who has experienced much tragedy at a young age. Without giving too much away, it turns out that instead of fairy godmothers she sort of has demon godfathers ( my term not what they are called in the movie) and they will grant her a wish if she agrees to do their bidding. The movie deals with a lot of really good issues like the school to prison pipeline, the American prison complex, how trauma can harm not only people but places, and restorative justice. Love the character designs, the animation, and the story on this one.

The Ghost and Molly McGee. This Disney show only has two seasons but it touched on some dark issues and even got emotional in the very end. Molly is a overly optimistic girl with adhd whose goal is to make the world a better place. Her family moves into a house that happens to be haunted by an extremely grumpy pessimistic ghost. Needless to say they have an Odd Couple thing going on. The show is pretty funny and deals with some interesting issues in the Ghost World. The only problem I have with it is that it's intended for a much younger audience. That's not a bad thing but it does mean that teens and adults will be more bored with it compared to a five year old.

Creeped Out is a TV series for fans of Are You Afraid of the Dark. It's a anthology series. Each episode takes place somewhere different with a different cast and different plot. It's not overly scary but similar to Goosebumps things do not end in a happy everything gets wrapped up nicely package.

The small spaces quartet by Katherine Arden. I haven't read the final book in this series but the first three books are pretty fun to be honest. We follow three Middle School age kids as an evil Supernatural entity seems to stalk them and put them in perilous Adventures. The author definitely knows how to build suspense and it's fun to see the kids work together to solve problems. The villain in this series is honestly pretty creepy and mysterious enough to keep the reader intrigued.

Artie and the Wolf Moon by Olivia Stephens is a graphic novel about a girl who finds out that she comes from a long line of werewolves. As she gets to learn about her family history and the history of werewolves, she finds out there are other things in the world to be scared of.

That's all I can think of for now. I know there's a lot of kids horror books out there but when it comes to movies and TV shows I can't think of too many that have come out within the past decade. It's a real shame to see that so many people are trying to prevent kids from having access to horror. I know one of the problems is that thanks to the streaming wars it's harder for people to know about specific shows and movies and other people have a hard time getting access to them in the first place. It does not help though that many parents and conservative groups try to remove access in the first place whether it be through banned books or convincing other people that the genre as a whole is bad for kids. I definitely agree with you, I remember having easy access to a lot of horror media that was kid friendly back in the day. If it's any consolation to you, RL Stein has never stopped writing. That men releases at least three books a year for the past 40 years.

idk how to say this without sounding really boomer-ey, but like, what happened to horror content for kids? maybe i’m using the word “horror” a little liberally but i remember when i was a kid there was SO much out there that existed solely for the purpose of scaring kids in a safe, fun, age-appropriate way. just off the top of my head there’s goosebumps, scary stories to tell in the dark, tales from the crypt (little before my time though), coraline, mirror mask, monster house, dark crystal (more incidentally scary but w/e), even courage the cowardly dog; all these really fantastic books and shows and movies that let kids explore being scared on their own terms.

now there’s idk, those new addams family movies? but those aren’t really scary.

i see people talking about the “kid-ification” of horror games and i can’t help but wonder if part of the reason kids latch onto that stuff so much now is because there’s nowhere else for them to experience healthy, safe fear. a little kid wants to get the thrill of being scared, but their parents won’t let them watch any actual horror movies, so they go on youtube and what do you know, there’s markiplier playing another cheap horror game set in a toy store or whatever, and now that kid’s fear quota is being met. (obviously there’s more to it than that, but it’s a theory i have)

this like, doesn’t really matter probably but idk, i feel bad that ~kids these days~ aren’t getting the experience of something scary made specifically for them with their genuine enjoyment in mind, rather than whatever the next fnaf ripoff is that just wants to sell them merch. being a kid and watching a well-made scary movie feels like you’re finally being taken seriously; you’re not being babied or coddled, you’re being trusted to face the skeksis and the other mother and the nebbercracker house and not back down. i wish people were still making media that respected kids that much.

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performancetaskinncf · 1 year ago

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My High School Journey

-Erika Pearl Rosales.

We meet new people, learn new skills, and develop our careers during the finest years of our lives, which are spent in school. We only truly enjoy ourselves when we are in school, and once we start college we always long for the days we spent in school. Our time in school exposes us to a wealth of fresh information and equips us with the tools we need to meet life’s difficulties. I truly love and appreciate my time at school. All of my professors adore me, and I have many friends. Every day, I look forward to going to school to see my friends and learn new things since I love it there.

Everyone claims that being in school is the best period of your life. The schoolchildren reflect on the positive aspects of life after hearing these sayings from their elders. We only participate in the classes and complete the assigned assignments during the course of the day. When school is ended, however, the pupils realize that it was the best period of their lives. Along with learning a lot in school, you can also make new friends, participate in different sports, and create lifelong experiences. Along with understanding what they want to be in life, children also learn a variety of life skills such as cooperation, excellent manners, etc.

Junior High School Journey

The first day if a new school is very difficult for me because you don’t know any one and u feel all alone. Most kids do good because they are a people person which can help because they talk to people and know were or how to get around from talking to other kids. There are also kids that don’t talk as much to other people they don’t know either because there shy .So this I how I overcame the obstacles on my first day.

I woke up this morning and it was harder to get out of bed than usual.I also had a million questions racing through my mind. What should I wear? What should I pack in my backpack? A million questions are an understatement but they were still going through my mind at 4 in the morning.

But all of my doubts in my mind was wrong. When I was in Grade 7 I met a lot of friends in Aglipay High School. A friends who willing to help me through ups and downs. This year was very memorable to me when I was still studying at Aglipay High School. Sir Jerry Baldovino was my School Adviser at that time. admire him a lot because of his ability to teach us and very responsible to his students. One of the thing that I remember when I was in in Grade 7 when my best friend move to another school. Ellieza was my childhood friend so is not easy to accept her decision to move in another school because she’s the one I’m always with all day long.

School Year 2018-2019 the things that I remember when I was in Garde 8, I didn’t expect that I am the one who get in with honors and all of my best friends are also with honors. I was top six in the entire section out of 231 students at Aglipay High School. Me and my friend don’t need to compete with other students just to get high grades but we are also just doing our best to improve our knowledge. I am very thankful because I had a friend like them who will help me through ups and downs. But when I was in Grade 9 I moved in Ilocos Norte for my mother’s medication from Breast Cancer.The things that I remember in Grade 9 when I met a new friend this is Victory Tamayo, Alize Agcaioli and Hyun Maestrado first day when I closed them and became vibrant in everything especially in academic. We didn’t reach the expected average in our school at least we did our best,but even did not reach the average we are still focused on our academic and helping each one of us. After a few weeks we noticed that we were too busy in academic, so we thought to ate outside. Eating street food and going in milktea shop became our bonding. When I was in Grade 10 ,since we are in the era of pandemic so we were studying online class and modular.I’m thankful because even though it was an online class and modular, I was given a chance to prove that even though it was a pandemic and modular, I still got into the top student at school. It was not easy for me to maintain my grades because I always transferred schools every year so my grades were affected, but I can do it for my dream.

My Senior High School Journey

We are still in online class and modular since we are still in the middle of Pandemic. I transferred at JET Montessori School of Ramon Inc. because my Tita convince me to study here. She say that it’s best for me to study here to improve my study and gained a new knowledge because the lessons in JET Montessori are advance. I met a friends in online class named Wilber Diego he was my first Best Friend here in Ramon. After online class he always say to Kuya Edmar “Uy crush ko yan” “Uy sakin lang yan” I always laugh at him because of that we became close friends until now.

We are so lucky to conduct Face to Face class again because of how many year’s since Pandemic. Finally I will met my friends and classmate in person that I met in online class. One of the memorable thing that happen during my school year is when JET Montessori allowed us to conduct Work Immersion. Me and other Grade 12 students was happy and thankful because of the opportunity to experienced the immersion because I met many new friends and besides that I also learned a lot from the work immersion that I use it in the future.

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blubushie · 5 months ago

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Additionally: gentle reminder that speaking about your experiences as a survivor means that children who are at risk, or have experienced this abuse, now have words to describe their abuse or even recognise that their abuse WAS abuse. Children who don't hear stories from survivors will not know what to look for in order to keep themselves safe.

When I was growing up, awareness always treated CSA as something that just happens. You get violently kidnapped, or a stranger approaches you and corners you and abuses you while you have nowhere to run. "Adults shouldn't touch you in certain places" or "be safe on the internet and don't talk about where you live or send people pictures" was common, but GROOMING was a topic that wasn't really approached. So me, at 10 years old and ignorant and for the first time having access to the internet, I didn't assume the man I met online was dangerous. I figured he just wanted to be friends, and he was nice, and listened to me, and what 10 year old doesn't beam at being told they're so mature for their age?

Growing up, it was always my understanding because of how the topic and awareness and safety was discussed that abuse was just something that happened instantly, and just in "real life". On a whim, from a stranger, not someone you thought you could trust. There was no pipeline from grooming (emotional or physical) to abuse. But most children are sexually abused by someone they know—a parent, one of their parents' siblings, a grandparent, a teacher, a coach, a babysitter, someone they meet online. And adults can scream from the rooftops that "only a parent or doctor should touch you there" but what happens when your abuser IS your parent? What happens when you're neurodivergent and take everything literally, and "only a parent or doctor can touch you there" means you don't speak up about your abuse because you assume since it's your parent or doctor, that must mean it's normal and ok, and you're just being sensitive? What happens when the person who is grooming you is someone you thought, ignorant child you are, that you could trust not to hurt you?

You end up getting raped in a dodgy hotel. You go home bleeding and hide the signs and shower in water hot enough to scald you until your dad yells at you to stop using up all the hot water. And you don't talk for a few days, because your rapist made it quite clear that no matter what you said, it wouldn't matter. And if you're unlucky enough to be bullied at school and often come home not wanting to talk, this means your parents miss the signs. The bruises on your neck are from some kid trying to fight you—ignore that they're the size of a man's hands.

And you keep coming back to your abuser, keep feeding into the cycle, for a few more years because he might have hurt you but he's also told you that he loves you and this just must be what love is like. Everyone goes through this, right? They just bear it with more grace than you do. Maybe there's something wrong with you that you don't like it—your abuser seems to think so, and your abuser's word is trusted because you are a grooming victim but don't have the knowledge or the words to recognise it because it's not discussed. So you fall victim to a perpetual cycle that gives you lifelong psychological and psychosexual trauma and when you're an adult and people ask you why you are the way that you are, you can't even tell them why because the very experiences that formed your personhood and shaped who you are as a healing adult is too taboo to talk about except in hushed whispers.

And so long as this standard is upheld—that CSA survivors can't talk about the abuse they experienced—more and more children will keep being hurt because they won't be able to recognise the signs or understand why they aren't ok when everything every adult has taught them says they should be.

i cannot possibly overstate the psychological damage of growing up being abused in a way that is considered so disgusting as to be literally unspeakable and treated as such.

#smoke signals #tw csa

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hopecomesbacktolife · 2 years ago

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genuinely genuinely like. the people you make friends with and let close to your heart can literally change your life and I’m not even talking about the broad/sweeping meaning of their friendship making your life better (although that too!! so so much!!! I can never overstate how important and good that is too!!) but like. even the most specific things like one person seeing something in you and their acknowledgment and encouragement thus allowing it to grow beyond what you could imagine. like lemme explain

many years ago my friend emily introduced me to one of her friends named cammie who she’d been trying to get me to meet bc she knew we’d get along great. and then the two of them introduced me to star trek and cammie, a physicist, would ramble all about her studies and explain things in ways I could understand and we’d talk about the trek science and where it did and didn’t hold up

and then one semester in undergrad I took a class on severe & hazardous weather and she helped me with my lab hws because the math was beyond me but with her help I finally got it and didn’t cry from math frustration (bc having a good teacher will do that for ya ♡) and ended up enjoying that class so much

and then after undergrad I decided I wanted to learn more about the Big Bang and the beginning of the world/galaxy/universe and she and I went book shopping on one of our reunion trips and I bought a book called “a little book about the Big Bang” (highly recommend btw) and then she and I would discuss the science and math in it on our calls and I’d ask her questions when I didn’t understand things

and throughout all this I realized I didn’t have the math skills to understand a lot of this (separate and other story for another time) and so I went online and (using a curricula emily recommended) bought myself a math textbook. and now I’ve been working through that math textbook and hope to continue working on it through the whole textbook series

and like. for many months now I’ve been having this hazy, half-formed idea take shape in my brain that like. what if I keep working at my math and get it up to X level. and if I still am enjoying it and feel like I can do this. what if, then, in like 5-10 years, once I’ve brought up the math to the level necessary, I were to go to grad school for cosmology (because I’ve discovered that’s the area that makes me go !!! the most like cosmology is So Cool What Even) and then like??! idk… keep on scienceing on?! maybe even for a job!!!!

like. this has all happened so gradually it sorta snuck up on me in the beginning, like a slowly blossoming tree, but literally like. I’m seriously considering totally changing the trajectory of my life and considering in several years trying to go back to school and like. due to (aforementioned long and much-less-happy reason’s separate story) I never had science be even a possible career or life choice. and like.

Baby-Me dreamed of being an astronomer. and because I met cammie and she was So Good at explaining things and met me where I was and told me that no, my questions weren’t stupid and I wasn’t behind and no you have a great mind for this stuff then I actually felt that lifelong interest reawaken. and discovered that I can actually learn things if I have access to them. And now I’m considering this massive life change!!! Because I met her!!! Because she’s my friend!!! Like. god. thinking about this makes me emotional because it’s like truly the power of friendship is what it’s all about and like friends truly do see you before you see yourself sometimes

idk anyway 💗💗💗 just contemplating potentially changing my life trajectory in 5-10 years and it’s bc the power of friendship :’) and it’s makin me a little emotional

#personal #about me #me #cammie #emily #they don’t follow this blog or even have tumblrs so the chances of them seeing this are infinitesimally small #(*jake peralta voice* yes and I would say teenilyweenily we all know words)#but like genuinely she has changed my life??#incredible #so thankful she is in my life #for so many reasons beyond this too btw! she is such a wonderful caring funny brilliantly smart incredibly compassionate lovely friend and #i love her so much but this is one aspect of our friendship that totally just snuck up on me and it’s like wow the influence she’s had!!!#i love when friends see who you are and encourage you in it and it helps you do more than you thought you could #and like we’ve discussed the fact that if I do get a ways into my math attempts and decide it’s not for me that’s fine!! i am also perfectly #happy to keep learning about cosmology as a hobby only if I decide academically is not in the cards for me and that will be ok because I #don’t HAVE to but it’s the fact that I’m giving myself a good honest chance at this y’know. which is something I never had. and the fact tha #t it’s bc of her and her friendship and the power of having one person say no you’re not stupid you just never had the chance.#it just floors ya sometimes y’know #anyway all the love for friends <3333333 #my ramblings #pay no mind lol #today I bring you emotional rambling on the power of friendship and potential life changes. tomorrow who knows

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tetsunormous · 3 years ago

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Reencounters

pairing: Matsukawa Issei x f!reader

genre: college au, friends to lovers, smut (18+), fluff

word count: 6.5K

warnings: cunnilingus, fingering, vaginal penetration, unprotected sex, creampie, swearing, nipple play, pinning

A/N: This is for Ria's @bakugohoex's rich boy collab 💜 Congrat's on 3k!! thank you to @ohno-otome and @armins-futon for reading this for me. I love matsukawa but I don't write for him often so this has been really fun :)

Walking into your new dorm room, you weren’t sure what to expect. Sure, you’ve seen the pictures online, but there’s nothing like the slightly dusty window letting in a hazy ray of light shining down onto the slight dip in the middle of the mattress you now call your own. Your desk almost touched the corner of your twin-sized bed, and your new bookshelf barely has enough room to fit half of the books you brought, but this was your new life. It didn’t dawn on you just how different university would be until you arrived this morning, but here you were, unpacking all your clothes into the cramped closet in the corner. Luckily, you’re in the building where you had a single room. Privacy was something you were worried about, and the communal washrooms will be something to get used to, but either way, this was a new start, and no matter how nervous you are, you’re grateful for it.

High school wasn’t terrible, but it definitely wasn’t what you expected it to be. Going into it, you obviously knew that it would be nothing like how the movies depicted, but you were excited. How bad could those four years really be if you had your best friend right by your side? He was incredible. He understood you better than anybody else, would be able to tell how you were feeling without the exchange of words, but most of all, he was your person, and you were his.

There was no doubting that in all your years of friendship.

But alas, like all good things in life, they must come to an end.

The summer going into the twelfth grade, he was longer your best friend. The boy that would go to the farmers market with you and your mom every other Sunday was now lining up for the newest sneaker drop. The boy that would rather spend the night at home and binge-watch your shared comfort show for the seventh time is now out with the boys sneaking into shisha bars and doing donuts in the community centre parking lots with their new cars. You watched as he slowly forgot about you, getting caught up in his new friendships and obsessing over material items that he never cared about before. It’s not that you were upset he found new friends. It’s that the only time he would reach out was to randomly drop off something he had bought you in hopes it would make up for him blowing you off again.

They started small, simple sweaters he knew you would like, but the gifts became almost ridiculous as time passed. He would never let you return them either, so now you have designer shoes for imaginary banquets. Of course, you were always grateful, but you would trade all his gifts just to spend time with him again. His family has always been wealthy, they always went on lavish vacations and drove the nicest cars, but you never really cared about what he spends his money on or just how much his parents make. You cared that he saw you as a person he wanted to be with rather than just someone he could shove gifts towards to make up for the quality time he’d miss.

But now you’re here. You were arriving three hours before the suggested move-in time because you didn’t want to be rushed to unpack before orientation starts later. You’ve seen a few people walking around on your floor, but neither of your neighbours have arrived, and honestly, you don’t mind because that means you’re able to blast your music without worry. As The 1975 fills your room, you stand still for a second, really taking in where you are. You’re now attending one of the best schools in the country, living on your own with a floor of people you don’t know yet. It starts to sink in that you are starting anew. The people who end up in the rooms next to you might just end up being your lifelong friends. As the song comes to an end, you decide it’s time to try to make yourself look a little more presentable since it’s almost time for people to start rolling in.

...

It’s almost five in the afternoon, and everyone on your floor is meeting outside on the field for a quick introduction before group dinner. You’re sitting with your knees pressed to your chest as the girl next to you tries to make small talk. To be fair, she’s incredibly sweet, but you can’t focus on her because somewhere behind you, there is a voice you think you recognize. There’s no way he would be here. Sure, you have no idea what school he ended up choosing, but if he ended up here, he would’ve at least texted you. Right? Before you can confirm your suspicions, orientation starts, and your group leader is already talking with more energy than you can handle.

The group of guys settle down close by, and you can’t stop yourself from looking over, wondering if you’ll see the head of brown curls. Instead, you’re met with a bunch of frat boy looking wannabes that instantly make your eyes roll. To say you’re disappointed that you didn’t see him was so stupid. It’s been over a year, yet here you were, hoping to magically bump into him as if this was some cliche movie. If anything, it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating that even though he stopped caring for you, you still longed to see him, to hear him laugh at one of your cheesy jokes. It’s even more frustrating that this new start you’ve been looking forward to, makes you miss him even more.

There are only sixteen people on your floor, but introductions take a lifetime because someone didn’t come on time. When they finally do show up, you almost laugh at this whole situation because, of course, it was him. Of course, he was strutting down the courtyard in some brand new Gucci sneakers and the same Balenciaga sweater he had bought for you a few months ago. Of course, the annoying group of boys behind you gesture for him as he quickly apologizes to the group leaders. And, of course, when you make eye contact, he’s the one looking at you with a mixture of shock and annoyance.

Quickly rushing back to your room after the meeting, you decide you’re ordering in tonight so that you don’t have to see him for at least another day. This is all so fucked up. You wrack your brain trying to understand how probable this whole situation is because, frankly, it feels like a sick joke, and on top of it, he’s the one annoyed?

Naturally, you spend the rest of the night unpacking the rest of your things before ordering your comfort food to wash down all the feelings you’re experiencing. Putting on your favourite show, you begin your tenth rerun as you bury yourself in your blankets. Part of you feels so stupid for completely ignoring your initial dinner plans, but you knew with the mindset you had at the moment, there was no way you would have enjoyed yourself. It’s a bit silly you haven’t left your room since picking up your takeout, you don’t even know who lives beside you, but that’s a problem for tomorrow.

Slipping into your slides, you head towards the washroom with your little toiletry bag. You pass by the girl you were sitting with earlier, and she sends you a smile. After apologizing for disappearing all night she just laughs and assures you nothing happened. She even points out where her room is if you were up to hang out tomorrow during frosh activities.

Just this interaction makes you feel better, and you quietly hum along to the familiar tune coming from the shower stall.

He used to play this song all the time, claiming it spoke to him the first time he heard it. Since then, it became the song he would play anytime he’d come to pick you up, explaining how this song is special because the ending always reminded him of you. It didn’t matter how long it’s been since the two of you hung out. Every time you heard ‘Pluto Projector,’ it would always bring a smile to your face. You even tried to show the song to your ex-boyfriend, but he never paid attention to your suggestions. He always claimed that his music taste was better. Thankfully that relationship only lasted a couple of months, but still, the regret of not waiting for someone worthy lingers in your mind.

While applying your moisturizer, you hear the water shut, the person pausing the song right as the orchestra starts to come in. Worried about who you may run into, you quickly pack up your stuff. You hear the click of the lock, and as you turn around, you’re met with him, with his curly hair all damp and his obnoxious teal blue robe wrapped loosely around his waist.

Rushing past him, you briskly walk towards your room, but before you can close the door, his foot jams between the doorframe. He pushes his way in and quietly closes the door, only to be met with the unimpressed look on your face. He circles around your room, eyes searching for any trace of your past friendship before standing back at the door.

“What do you want, Matsukawa?” you ask impatiently. It’s bad enough you run into the one person you wanted to forget, but now he’s standing in your room with a matching frown.

Something indescribable flashes across his eyes, and you can visibly see his frown deepen at your question. Leaning against your door, his arms come up to rub over his face, peeking at you through his fingers before letting out a long sigh. “When did I become Matsukawa? I thought I was Issei.”

You can’t help the chuckle that escapes your lips, and you realize how childish your grudge might be, but he has changed, and the man standing in front of you isn’t the same man you once called your best friend. “When you changed, Matsukawa. Issei was my best friend, and YOU are not.”

His eyes filled with confusion as his eyebrows furrow, taking a step forward towards you. “I’m sorry? I tried to stay in touch with you. You’re the one that stopped talking to me, so I’d try to send you things instead. How was I the one who changed?”

You stand there, staring at him for a second before shaking your head. “I can’t do this right now; I want to have a good day tomorrow, so I need to go to sleep. Please, leave my room.”

His eyes soften a little, and you can see a faint glimpse of his infamous lazy smile, “We both know you’re not going to be sleeping anytime soon,” he stalks over and kicks his slides off before sitting at the end of your bed. “Let’s talk about this because, frankly, I’m tired of watching you decide if you hate me every time you see me.”

The nerve of this man. The fact that he invites himself into your room, declares his stay, and then sits on your bed without permission. You don’t even know if he’s wearing anything under that robe as his hair is literally dripping onto your comforter. Regardless of what the situation is, this action alone has you seething. Turning towards your desk chair, you harshly pull out the slightly imbalanced piece of wood and sit down, silently questioning why he isn’t the one on the chair.

He watches you stomp around, and he kinda chuckles at your little tantrum, missing how easy it was to rile you up. Your glare at him would be a little scary if he didn’t see the way your lips mumbled to yourself. It’s honestly a little cute to watch you all frustrated with him even though he saw one of the shoes he bought you in your closet. Sure, they look brand new, but the fact that you brought them here with you must mean something.

The year you two spent apart has been really stressful on Matsukawa. He thought that you’d be happy that he could give you everything you wanted. He knew he wasn’t spending as much time with you as he used to, but he thought the gifts he spent hours lining up for would make up for it.

When you stopped returning his calls and texts, he was crushed. Everyone could see how he felt about you, but then he watched you get close to another man. Within two weeks, you were dating him, and he was left watching from a distance. Neither of you ever confirmed your feelings for each other, but he could tell that man wasn’t making you happy. He didn’t understand your different facial expressions, he didn’t care about what you had to say, but all he could do was watch the girl he wanted from the sidelines.

Sure, as time went on, Matsukawa also started talking to other girls. None of them ever became his girlfriend, he didn’t think it was fair to get with someone when he was set on you, but he had his fair share of hookups. He has money, a shit ton of it, but he never let that get to his head. It wasn’t his fault that he gained popularity when he started to get into name brands and upgraded his car, but none of that ever changed who he was — at least not to the degree you had him pinned.

He watches you carefully, your leg bouncing impatiently as your eyes glare daggers in his direction. He runs his hand through his hair and lets out a sigh, “what did I do wrong? You didn’t even give me a chance to fix whatever I did (y/n).”

The lamp in the corner of your room shines a dim yellow hue onto his features. His brows are knitted in concern as he leans forwards on his knees, his robe showing off a deep v down his chest. You can feel yourself freeze up at his question, goosebumps covering your skin, while your eyes pour into his. “You changed Matsukawa. You stopped making an effort to be there. I’m not some girl you can just buy with all your money. I have never cared about how much you have or what you can afford -- you know that! It doesn’t matter what. I always split things with you because I never wanted you to feel like I was there for your money. But then suddenly, you just stop showing up. You wouldn’t even tell me you made other plans, and I would just open my door to find some package you dropped off.”

His eyes search your face before letting out a deep sigh. “I tried! You wouldn’t answer any of my calls, I know I stopped explaining myself, but can you blame me? Don’t you think I want to take you around and introduce you to all my friends? Don’t you think I miss going on late-night drives with you to 7-11? Every time I would drive past there, you’re all I thought about. You and your stupid obsession with cheese taquitos and Arizona tea. Did you even think about how I felt when you decided to act like I don’t exist?” He hastily stands up and paces around in the confined space of your dorm room. He never raises his voice, so hearing him talk at a slightly louder volume was enough to let you know he was dead serious. “You know, I never stopped talking highly about you because as selfish as it is, those boys have an important family. They have the connections you dream about (y/n), so even when you started to ignore me to go out with that fucking ex-boyfriend of yours, I never said anything.”

He looks at you with pleading eyes before going to sit back down, his elbows now resting against his thighs. “I know you don’t care about my money, but I didn’t know how else to tell you I was still thinking about you. I tried to get you things that you’d like, things that you’d wear. But no, I had to watch you put on a fake smile and laugh at that asshole’s jokes while you stubbornly ignored me to the point I thought you had me blocked.”

Looking up at you through his curls, his hooded eyes looked darker before. His lips curled into a forced smile as he let out a breathy chuckle, “he didn’t deserve you. But what do I know, right?”

You sat there quietly, taking in what he had just said. You didn’t realize how hurt he was. To be frank, up till now, you were so consumed by your feelings, and you failed to consider his own. His head is hanging between his hands, and the silence in your room right now is insufferable. He’s just explained himself, yet all you can do is scoff at yourself. While you were obsessing over the fact that Matsukawa wasn’t coming over to watch another rerun of your favourite show, he was out picking out different gifts he thought you’d like. You didn’t even open the last few because your own emotions so blinded you. Hearing him take a deep breath, he stands up and smiles sadly at you, “nice talk, (y/n). Thanks for listening.”

“I’m sorry, Issei.”

He lifts his head to meet your gaze, and you can visibly watch as his shoulders relax. It’s been too long since he’s heard you call him by his first name.

“I’m sorry too. I should’ve just gotten out of the car to talk to you.”

You look at him with a small smile. Walking towards your bed, you sit down and pat the spot beside you, pulling him in for a hug. His robe is probably the softest thing you’ve ever felt in your life, your fingers sinking into the fabric as you hold him close. His arms are immediately wrapping around you, and you both stay like that for a minute before you pull back, a faint blush blooming on your cheeks.

“No, you have nothing to apologize for. You tried reaching out to me, you tried explaining yourself, but I didn’t even give you a chance. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I was so caught up I didn’t even think about what you were feeling. The fact that you still wanted to introduce me to your friends, even after all the stuff I did to you….I’m so sorry, Issei.”

He gives you a playful smile and lightly nudges your shoulder with his, “yea, that was kinda unfair, but good thing we talked it out, huh?”

You flash him a sheepish smile, but your eyes glimmer with happiness, “yea, it’s good you barged into my room at two in the morning. Just like old times.”

His smile instantly grows at your playfulness, and he gives you a mock scoff. “I’m sorry, but if I remember correctly, you’d beg for me to stay over at two am cause you decided you wanted to watch a scary movie. Have you gotten better with horror movies this year, or are you still as jumpy as I remember?”

The tip of your ears growing warm while you mutter out a quick “shut up.”

His laughter makes your heart beat against your chest because you missed it so much. It’s been a while since you got to hear him laugh with you, and without even thinking, you go in for another hug.

His arms easily hold you close, and one of his massive hands reaches up to pet your hair. “Missed me, didn’t you?” he asks, and you can feel him smirking, so you just nod, your fingers playing with the damp, short curls at the base of his nape.

“Issei?” you ask with a little murmur against his neck.

“Hmmm?”

You smile to yourself and pull back a little, so you can see his face, “so other than hanging out with your friends and keeping up with my relationship, what else have you been doing?”

His face drops as he looks at you with a deadpan stare, the corners of his mouth twitching up in a smile as you giggle at his reaction. He pushes you back, so you end up falling onto your mattress, his long limbs effortlessly straddling your legs. Before you can think about the position you’re in, his fingers start to poke all-around your torso, causing you both to laugh as he starts to tickle you. “You think you’re funny, huh?” His hands go to tickle your worst spot as he starts to talk, but you can’t hear him over your own laughter. His fingers slow down, but you keep giggling when you’re met with his lazy smirk, “I’m trying to talk, you know. It’s rude you’re laughing when I’m trying to speak to you.”

He leans forwards and has both hands resting at the side of your head. Your faces now inches apart, the faint smell of sandalwood from his body wash now becoming more apparent. You stare into his brown eyes, and it almost feels as if everything stopped for a few seconds. The lamp in your room doesn’t do him justice as the shadows of his face wash over his features, but even then, his eyes stare back at you with a slight twinkle as you catch your breath.

Reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck and you tug him close, crashing his lips onto yours. The sweet hints from his beloved Burt’s bee’s lip balm make his lips even softer than you imagined. The kiss is short, but as you both pull away, he’s staring at you with a goofy smile.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that, (y/n).”

“Me too, Issei,” you whisper back before his lips capture yours again, this time with more confidence. This kiss is much more passionate than the last, holding onto each other in hopes of deepening it. One of his hands travels down to grab your waist, his tongue sweeping across your bottom lip, asking for permission. Your lips part and your tongues swirl together effortlessly while your hands play with his hair, pulling him closer into your body.

His hand feels a little rougher than before against your bare skin because of how often he trains, running down the length of your leg. The light touch of his fingertips admires how smooth your skin is before they trail back up, stopping just before the edge of your pyjama shorts. Hooking your leg around his hip, he leans into your body even further and even nips at your bottom lip.

Matsukawa smirks and whispers against your lips, “did he ever kiss you like that?”

Slightly surprised at the question, you shake your head, answering honestly. “He never made me feel the way you do.”

You watch as his eyes dilate, flickering into a deep brown you’ve never seen on him. The hand that was previously on your leg is now cupping your cheek, stroking your face softly, while his own face blooms into a rare shade of pink. Still, his words are clear, “please...give me a chance? He never treated you right. Let me take care of you?”

Words can’t describe how his question made you feel. You spent years learning about Matsukawa, understanding him to the point where words weren’t necessary to see what was happening in his head. Not once did you think he reciprocated your feelings, let alone want to be with you. Yet, here you are, caged beneath his arms as his hopeful eyes pour into yours.

Turning your head slightly, you press a kiss onto his hand and smile. “Please?”

His face breaks into a smile. His cheeks are tinted rose as the corners of his mouth reach up to his eyes. Leaning down, he peppers kisses onto your face, the loose curls on his head tickling your cheeks as he giggles with you. The kisses trail down to your jaw, and he follows the natural curve of your jawline to your ear. “Is this okay?” he whispers softly, only continuing down this path when you give him a curt nod.

Your legs tighten around his waist when he begins to press open mouth kisses down your neck, gently nipping at the spots that make you let out shy little sounds. His tongue leaves kitten licks against your skin after he’s sucked on it, littering faint marks. Seeing you with light hickeys on the base of your neck and collarbones is completely self-indulgent for him. Thinking about waking up in the morning and seeing the marks he knows he gave you makes him inexplicably happy as he sucks particularly hard, causing you to wince.

Immediately he stops and turns to you, “I’m sorry, did I hurt you? D’you wanna stop?”

His concern for you is truly a breath of fresh air compared to what you had before. Shaking your head, you guide his hands to the edge of your sweater. “You bought this for me… it’s only fair I let you take it off.”

He studies your face for a second before his lips curl into a lazy smirk, quickly pulling the overpriced sweater off your body. He takes a sharp inhale when you reveal you aren’t wearing anything underneath as he’s met with your beautiful tits, nipples hard and pointed. “You let me in here knowing you weren’t wearing a bra? And here I thought you were a good girl.”

Noticing how your legs tighten around him, he smirks even wider. Leaning back down, his kisses trail down to your chest, and his lips feel soft and warm against your skin. His fingers take hold of your chin and force you to look down on him while his lips wrap around your nipple, the tip of his tongue flicking gently at the hardened bud. His hand palms against the fatty flesh of your other tit; his fingers are rolling your nipple before tugging on it experimentally.

Suddenly feeling shy, your arms come up to cover your face slightly just to have him lace his fingers with yours, pulling your arms away. “Don’t hide from me. Let me see how pretty you look. Let me hear how good I make you feel, okay?”

“I’ve never had someone play with my tits like this…”

He just stares at you, brows knitted as his smirk turns into a slight pout. “You’re with me now; that means every part of your body will be pleasured. I wanna hear and see all of you, okay?”

With a shy nod, you gently roll your hips against him, inviting more of his attention.

He kisses you once more, murmuring against your lips, “you’re so beautiful. Let me know if I’m going too fast, okay?”

His lips follow down your body once more, lightly biting your tit before using the flat part of his tongue to feel the valley between your chest. Matsukawa lets out a low moan as you arch upwards, pushing yourself closer to his touches. Letting go of your hands, he begins to massage the soft flesh of your tits and kiss down your stomach, the tip of his tongue trailing against the waistband of your shorts.

“Let me hear you ask for it; I don’t wanna do something you don’t want.”

“Isseiiii, please?” you whine out, the tip of your ears turning hot at the thought of asking for his tongue.

He smirks at you, looking up through his hooded eyes and tsks. “Be a good girl for me. Use your words.”

His words go straight to your pussy, and you can’t help the doe eyes look in your eyes when you whimper out, “please, Issei? Wanna feel your mouth on me.”

You watch as he takes in a sharp breath, the hunger in his eyes shining through despite the dim lighting in your room. He tugs at the end of your shorts until they’re completely off, repositioning himself lower until your legs are resting around his biceps. His eyes zone in on the way a sheer layer of slick coats your lips, happy that the attention he’s been giving you has pleased you. As he shimmies down on your bed, his legs now supporting himself on the floor, he nestles himself between your legs, easily spreading your things open with his arms. Sending you a knowing smile, he blows cool air directly onto your clit, loving how your walls flutter for him.

“You’re so sensitive, baby.”

“No one’s ever made me feel like this before...want more, please?”

You look down at him with pleading eyes, your hands cupping his face when you speak. Pressing a quick peck to your hand, he hips his head down and traces your pussy lips with his tongue, savouring how you taste.

The gasp that you let out once you felt his touch was adorable. It suddenly became the sound Matsukawa will chase after the more he gets to know your body and what it likes. He takes one long lap up your pussy, stopping just before your clit and using his fingers, he spreads your lips even more. Once your clit is all exposed, he flicks it gently with the tip of his tongue, looking up at you with all the confidence in the world. Hearing your little moans make him greedy for more, for more desperate and needy sounds, so he goes to press a kiss onto your bundle of nerves. Feeling you twitch beneath him, he gently places his lips around the sensitive bud and sucks earnestly, relishing in the way you buck your hips and call out his name. After a while of pure clitoral stimulation, he leans back up to watch your eyes blink back into focus on his face, a silly dazed smile on your face.

He winks at you and sticks his tongue into your drooling hole, swirling it around to feel the walls of your pussy clench around him. His fingers dig into the flesh of your thighs as he nuzzles his nose against your clit, his cock getting unbearably hard at the way you pant our pleas.

“I-issei! Please….need you inside, please!”

Coming back up for air, his hand leaves your thigh as his fingers start to tease around your hole, loving how your pussy clenches around nothing. So needy for his touches when he’s barely even started. He knows your orgasm was building, but he wants to take his time with you. You mean the world to him, and seeing you like this already makes him feel like the luckiest man at the moment.

Taking two of his fingers, he coats them in all your slick before slowly pushing them inside you. His eyes squeeze shut when he feels how tight you are, his mind immediately thinking about how you’d feel wrapped around his cock. When he’s finally inside, he pulls out slowly before sliding them back in, loving how you beg for more.

“Need more, please, Issei! Go faster, please.”

Your hands pull his head up to kiss you while his fingers begin to speed up. With the lewd sound of his hand slapping against your sopping wet pussy, his palm is applying pressure to your clit. Your moans are lost in your kisses, his other hand going back to playing with your sensitive nipple.

“I have to stretch you out, babygirl. I don’t want my cock to hurt you.”

All you’re able to do is nod as his fingers start to scissor your hole, stretching you out even more. His fingers, now knuckle deep, curl against your sweet spot, making you grip onto his hair as he swallows all your cries, suddenly remembering that the walls in this dorm probably aren’t that thick.

His fingers curl into you more, whispering sweet praises as his hand teases and tugs on your swollen nipple. Everything happened so quick, and you’re cumming all over his hand, your sweet sticky arousal covering his fingers as he slows down. Matsukawa is smiling down at you, “you did so well, baby. Bet that felt really good, huh?”

Maybe you’re needy or just horny, but even after your orgasm, you start tugging the tie that keeps his robe up. Your legs are sore, sorer than they’ve ever been, but all you can think about is how full you would feel with him inside of you. He smirks at you as he pops his fingers into his mouth, sucking off all your juices before letting his robe fall and chucking it to the ground. He’s wearing his briefs, but you can see how hard his cock is under the thin cotton material. Before you’re able to pull his underwear down, he stops you and lets out a small chuckle. “I’m sorry, I don’t have a condom. We don’t have to do anything.”

You giggle and shake your head, “don’t need one; we’re in university, baby. What’s a little fun without risks?”

He lets you pull his underwear down, and his massive throbbing cock instantly slaps against his stomach as he laughs at your reaction. “Had to make sure you were stretched out enough.”

You bite your lips and stare at how big his cock actually is. It’s hard to imagine how you’ll fit that inside of you, but you’re determined to give it a try.

“You ready, pretty girl?” he asks as he taps the tip of cock against your clit, loving how you squirm under him.

“mmhmm, Issei.”

He lets go of his cock and leans up, and pulls you into a deep kiss, completely in awe of you.

“Tell me if you wanna stop, kay?”

Replying with a small hum, he gathers up the remaining slick that’s leaking out of your pussy and strokes his cock slowly, also letting his spit drip down to help lubricate himself. He lines himself up with your pretty pussy and starts to push the head in, studying your face to make sure you’re doing alright. When he sees you smiling back at him, despite the grip you have on his arms, he pushes another two inches inside of you.

“You’re doing so good for me, baby. We’re almost halfway,” he whispers into your ear as he kisses your neck softly, sucking on the spot by the base of your lobe. “Such a good girl for me,” he coaxes as his cock slides another inch into your sweet cunt.

Incredibly, he’s only halfway down because you’ve never felt this full before. Still, your fingers dig into his arms when you ask for more. “Just want all of you in me, please?”

Hearing you ask for more even though you already looked fucked out sparks something inside him. He lets out a low growl and quickly pushes the rest of his length inside you, mumbling sweet nothings against your skin. He moans out with you when he feels how warm and tight you are, your pussy stretching more than it ever has to accommodate his size.

“Feel s’good, Issei.”

With a breathy chuckle, he peppers kisses all over your neck, loving the sound of your soft giggles as he pulls back three-quarters of the way, slowly pushing his way back into you. The gasp you let out is different than before, much more surprised but sensual.

He continues this motion a few more times before he picks up the pace, his hips slamming against you while your tits bounce. Each thrust knocks the air out of your chest cause he’s brushing against your spot every time. Matsukawa leans down and presses his forehead against the crook of your neck, muttering how good you feel.

“F-faster...need you faster, is’o good, please.”

Obliging to your pleas, he starts to rut his hips into yours, the sound of his balls slapping against your skin with each movement. He looks up to see your dreamy eyes and smiles. He knows there’s not a thought behind those eyes right now as his cock slams against your walls with each thrust. He goes to kiss you again, silencing your cries as your nails drag down his arms, trying to ground yourself in the midst of all the pleasure.

“You’re s-tight baby I- fuuuuuck, I can barely move.”

You can’t help it. Your walls are naturally squeezing him because he’s fucking straight into your sweet spot with each snap of his hips. You look at him with hazy eyes, entirely in a trance as you moan out his name. He can tell you want to cum, so his hand reaches down to rub your clit as his cock continues to pound into you.

“C’mon baby, cum all over my cock. You can do it...ah shit, yea, just like that.”

He’s been trying so hard not to cum but watching your back arch into him as your nails drab down his back, his name falling out from your lips in a loud erotic moan, is making it really hard. He looks down in surprise when he sees a creamy white rim around his cock, proud of himself for making you cream.

“Good girl...that’s my fuckin girl.”

Satisfied he made you finish, his head falls back onto your shoulder, his hips just rutting into you as he chases his own orgasm. Not even a minute later, he’s calling out for you as he quickly pulls out, cumming all over your tits. His chest heaves along with yours, his hair sticking to his forehead slightly as he empties his load all over your chest.

Once you’ve both calmed down a little bit, he smiles down at you and goes to stroke your cheek. “Had you creaming on my cock, was it fun? Did you have a good time?”

“S’good...thank you, baby,” you say before pulling him down for a kiss.

He gets up and reaches for his robe, “you did so good, took me like a champ heh. I’ll be back with a rag to clean you up, okay? Don’t move.”

As he leaves your room, you stare up at the ceiling and let out a laugh. Not even twelve hours ago, you were cursing the fact that he was here with you, and now you have his cum all over your tiddies as he goes to get stuff to clean you up.

You watch as he comes back into your room, fully changed with a rag in his hand. He kneels beside you and pets your hair as he starts to wipe his mess.

“Why’re you changed?”

“Oh! We’re going to 7-11 once I get you cleaned up.”

“.....it’s like three-thirty in the morning.”

“I’ll get you taquitos and Arizona,” he says as he goes to wipe around your pussy, mindful not to put too much pressure cause you’re still sensitive.

“And skittles?”

He snorts and kisses your shaking thigh, “yea, I’ll get you skittles, brat.”

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#rich boy collab #matsukawa #matsukawa issei #matsukawa x reader #matsukawa issei x reader #matsukawa smut #matsukawa issei smut #haikyuu smut #hq smut #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #haikyuu matsukawa #tw unprotected sex #dark

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