#most of my lifelong friends are people I met online

[starryoak]

every time I leave a long, thoughtful comment on a fanfic where I put genuine thought and interest into what the author is trying to communicate to me, and don’t receive any reply, I get more and more pissed about people whining about never getting comments.

maybe the reason you’re not getting any comments is that people see the wasteland of comments on your work that received no reply and think that it would be a waste of time to comment. you can make all the pinkie promises you want that you super duper appreciate comments, but if you don’t actually show that in your work or reply, there’s no difference between your week old fic with no replies and a fic from 2007 left abandoned and dead, and you’re essentially arguing that you both deserve engagement for existing, while also claiming you have no responsibility whatsoever to engage back.

maybe engage with your audience a little and your audience will engage with you!

[gwemmieee]

current vibe

My ask inbox is not my DMs. If you want to have a big discussion with me outside of reblogs, use my DMs. I will not engage with anonymous negativity anymore.

This blog is a pretty mature space and sometimes horny, so if you're a minor, I promise you won't get anything out of staying here.

I'm a cute alien puppygirl. Also can be a wolfgirl sometimes. I'm a trans femby, she/her. Sapphic, lesbian, demiromantic, demisexual, hypersexual (but still learning to fully accept myself), neurodivergent, and a fused plural system (kind of like how it's depicted psychologically in Steven Universe, if you know you know). I'm polyamorous and currently in an open marriage w/ @kateinacrate1

I'm new to living in the city, but I love it so much. Lately, I've been building my first real family and discovering a lot about myself. At the moment all I want to do is build community, make friends, get fucked (in a good way), and explore all my old and new hobby interests. I also have a burning desire for certain things I can't afford anytime soon, like gender affirming surgeries, traveling, wine and dining, singing voice training, fancier clothes/makeup, and having a balcony at home.

I believe in community and mad pride. I am a lifelong victim of abuse and severely sensitive to many unusual things due to continuous trauma, especially around group interactions, but I tirelessly seek real connection. Dogpiling instantly renders me unable to maintain my composure or mental health. For this reason, I do not participate in dogpiling, and I minimize engagement with anyone who is mean, dismissive, or gaslighty. Sharing one's traumatic experience is not the same as one-upping anyone else. If I disappear from a discussion in which multiple people are questioning me and nobody is defending me, it is probably because I felt dogpiled.

I always make a full effort to humanize everyone. I frequently wind up being the kindest person most people have ever met, and I'm better than most at keeping my composure and understanding everybody's perspective in any tough discussion. I've had slip-ups in the past that I'm leaving behind. It usually does much more harm than good to express targeted anger or hate in public spaces, online or offline, so I won't. Most good people are ignorant about something or other. It is better to give the benefit of the doubt where possible. It is better to practice harm reduction and restorative justice than to fully embrace hardline tribalism. Callout culture is a genuine problem these days; I believe callouts should only be performed as part of a harm reduction approach with a known bad actor.

I believe in growing, healing, and deradicalization. I did not choose to be so traumatized that humanization of strangers takes me as much emotional labor as it does. I've always been climbing out of the deep pit I was born in. I am mad and I am feminine and I am a whore (non-derogatory) and I am a leader.

[no-psi-nan]

🥺🥺🥺 not 2 be sappy on main but omg I actually started off in Deviantart ages ago, that was the closest thing to social media for me until the tumblr migration lol. But I never really interacted with people on there, and even upon moving to tumblr, never really interacted with people here too often either. At first I had my main blog which was meant to be more professional since I was selling art to get a little college income, so I didn't really make too many irrelevant posts. Then I decided that I wanted to be able to reblog art and support other artists, so I made a side blog where I carefully curated and tagged the posts I reblogged. I made a few original posts but no one ever interacted, and eventually I realized that people only ever sent me asks there if I tagged anything wrong. Also I found out that adding stuff like series and character tags to a reblog on tumblr is basically useless because the op will pretty much always tag those things which makes it searchable on your own blog even if you don't tag it yourself. And if op DIDN'T tag it those things, your tags will make the post searchable on your blog but NOT in the general search, so it doesn't give op any more of a boost than just reblogging it tagless. So I made another sideblog, which I still have today, and I just rapidfire reblog literally anything I find shareworthy lol. Not any interaction there but at least I'm not wasting my time meticulously tagging strangers posts hsfjdlshfks. Since I was best friends with a big name fan in my main fandom (we became friends when I left a long emotional comment on their fanfic btw <3), I helped run some small fandom events and met more people as well. When I switched fandoms, it was a fandom event that gave me a new friend too, my posts never got any traction. Large fandom discords didn't really work for me either. But on this blog I was lucky, and for the first time people started like actually responding to my comments and posts, and get conversations going! And genuinely that's what's kept my brain rot so powerful I think, because bouncing ideas off each other and joking around and shitposting is genuinely the most fun I've ever had online!! I have to thank desta and oatmeal for the fun times especially, and hillbilly---man left really nice comments on my first few fics that really encouraged me, and I always have fun trading ideas with alienn, saikikthoughts, and crookedlyinnernightmare, plus everyone else who's on here, that's too many people to type out. AND I TYPED UP A BUNCH MORE STUFF BUT TUMBLR FUCKING DELETED IT!! Are you shitting me.... Well I think I remember saying that even if it's been getting kinda quiet and boring lately so my attention is starting to wander (I've pretty much posted all of the meta that's not deep fanfic hc at this point and my drawings take me a long time to make), I'll never delete this blog and I'll still be putzing around online until the day I die probably. And I'll always remember these days fondly and hope to find another great community like this one. And also I highly encourage everyone to post, reply, interact, and play with fellow fans! I've made lifelong friendships over blorbos and even if we don't have the same blorbos any more, we're still friends. Obviously stay safe online, never send money to strangers, probably wait like a year to start shipping each other stuff but still, reach out because you never know who you might meet! I've been lonely irl for most of my life for various reasons, and my online friends have been a lifeline honestly, they're all really important to me. Two of my best friends today come from fanfic comment sections!! Also I need to get around to archiving my meta on AO3 lol (yup, it's for meta too!) but that's gonna be a lot of work so -_-U).

[tewwor]

——— BASICS ! ♡

NICKNAME : ro, kc, etc.

PRONOUNS : she/they

ZODIAC SIGN : taurus

TAKEN OR SINGLE : taken

——— THREE FACTS ! ♡

i developed a good amount of scar tissue in my ankles back in high school because i kept twisting them so often :) yes, i was a part of cross country / track the entire 4 years :) yes, i did twist both my ankles during running camp :) :)

i have stupid good hearing, and it drives me up a wall to hear things that most of my friends cannot hear. who, coincidentally, are mostly hard of hearing to some degree so it's just over stimulated hell & ear plug city over here ( i am suffering )

i... do have a bachelors in fine arts....... the thought of paint thinner, any paint types, specific smells of cleaning solutions and orange scented oils give me immediate flashbacks to art classes in the most feral way possible. have i put my degree to use professionally? absolutely not. im in accounting, go figure.

——— EXPERIENCE ! ♡

y'all... i have no clue and i'd like to keep it that way. i started rping probably way too early online. was my starting point when spn was at it's peak? yes, please don't bring it up ( cries ). have i met at least 1 lifelong friend that i have, and continue to be, friends with for 10+ years? yes. his parents love me and they're so sweet and he bullies me in game because we both suck at them. anyways, tunglr's a shitshow but writing silly things on here makes it worth it

——— MUSE PREFERENCE ! ♡

for muses i prefer to write? THE silent and wrath filled type ( each one lacks more and more restraint ), Pathetic Man™, that one cartoonish annoying but posh / socialite-esque personality & impeccably dressed figure, himbo and heavy on the dumb aspect, 'i'm so totally normal and not a weird fucked up obscure creature', wet creaturesTM, the 'oh no, i can help! but i will then immediately need help right after!', the 'i just wanna have fun and get random people into the weirdest shit possible' thrill seekers, That One Man That Shall Not Be Named Lest He Appear Like A Dream Paralysis Demon, that one idiotic dog that keeps biting people, sweetest... most uncertain and self-conscious man ever..., and of course - eldritch horror creature dating simTM

for muses i write again? Morally Grey, feral characters with so much backstory it really does wind me, silly......, creatures, just a human in a very supernatural situation, rays of sunshine, mean mfers.., well intentioned but comically comes in at the worst time possible, complex like it's the ny times crossword ( i am very bad at these ), came back Wrong, MisunderstoodTM but for good reason, etc.

——— FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT ! ♡

FLUFF : goes so well with silliness, excellent balm for the soul, love it!

ANGST : bread and butter........ brick and mortar... required for me and my characters to strive... hurts so good, 100/10, always need more

SMUT : just dipping my pinky toe in it! still rather low on the types of threads i get the most consistent muse for, but it's there.... lingering.. waiting.......

PLOT / MEMES : always down for both, but i do tend to hop from one side to another. sometimes my brain favors plots. other times it's all about memes.

tagged by: i stolt it from someone

tagging: EVERYONE. idc if we just became mutuals, or we've been mutuals, i wanna know so tag me.

[poorticklishsoles]

When I was around 10, I searched for the word "tickling" on Google and stumbled upon a guy face down, feet tied together to the bed, getting his feet methodically tickled with fingers and a small electric toothbrush. This was my introduction to what would later become my seemingly lifelong attachment to this kink we all share. I can still hear the exact sound of that toothbrush in my brain, but sadly the video has been erased with no trace of it online. (It was called Ken's Feet Get Tickled if anyone has it)

Throughout the years, while growing up, I knew there was something weird about liking this stuff. It seems like I also became attached to feet from that video, and I soon became very fascinated and almost obsessed with finding these so-called "tickle videos" online. Soon enough, I realized it made me feel funny, and at that point where tickling, feet, and bondage became full-on fetishes for me.

I spent even more time after this realization digging deeper into the topic and trying to figure out just how many other people were like me. There were times when I felt really alone and strange... and sad while growing up because although I knew there were people like me online, they all happened to be much older, and I was not of the age where I could meet anyone anyway. I ended up signing up for forums with like-minded people, creating a kink Instagram account, and desperately searching for people like myself. I just remember thinking, "Why am I such a freak for being into this stuff so young." I would have to wait much longer to realize this is common for many more people than I initially thought.

I got supper excited when I turned 18. I thought, "wow I can finally get out there and explore this stuff safely!" I was pumped to be out there and meet cool people that I could become friends with. That was important for me. I feel like I never could properly engage with my kinks if I wasn't friends with the person first... So I decided to make friends.

I met so many incredible people through Instagram, as I thought that that was where the largest group of people in the community were. (I didn't know about Tumblr yet) One of whom became my best friend. I met ticklewitchjess on Instagram back last year. What amazed me about her was our ability to talk about things outside the kink. We formed a genuine friendship. I learned about her favorite color, how she loves thunderstorms like me, some of her trauma, how she cosplayed, and how she loved to learn things even if they were random because of her adhd... I learned that we had many similar interests in the tickling tropes out there. We roleplayed... A lot. I learned that she was an absolutely gifted writer from that, and I genuinly feel like my own writing improved as a result.

We talked everyday like that for a few months... From morning to when we would go to sleep... but one day she told me....she told everyone that she had to take a step back for personal reasons and take a break from her kink account. We talked for the last time and I gave her my last bit of support. I hope one day she does come back when shes in a better place... 

I never thought I'd have a connection like that with someone ever again... And for the most part I was correct, at least for just under a year. One night I again got in my feels about not having any real connection with anyone, now at the age of 20. I genuinely felt sad and depressed that I wasnt getting to explore my kink irl and even felt jealousy when id see tickle vids with 18 and 19 year olds having such a fun time. I ended up sending around 6 or 7 copy pasted greetings that night just to see if anyone would respond. I was about to send the same thing to a person I found that was super far away from me but instead I decided to switch it up and be genuine. And that's how I met @tklish-princess

We started chatting, taking our time at first, but eventually speeding up when we realized we had so much in common! Over time we flirted with the idea of meeting up and I honestly still can't believe we made it work. That's right! I had my first meet up ever! It wasn't just sessions though. We stayed together in the same Airbnb for a full week, essentially living together, and she showed me all around. We even got to do some super fun stuff further away from the town. It was just such an amazing time and Ari was just so sweet and kind to me that I was just constantly melting. I've never really been to college yet so I never got to have the experience of like..really being on my own and living with someone so I can't lie and say I wasn't a little nervous, but as soon as we met and hugged all that went away.

As you've probably seen on her post we did have sessions...some of which were recorded, and we'll be dropping teases as time goes by 🤭. I'm super excited for that and I'm super excited to finally say I have a real tickle partner in my life now! She has the cutest little feet and toes and even her hands are cute and ticklish 🥺.. I'm quite literally obsessed. She's such a sensitive little tickle bug but also a pretty evil ler...which surprised me because when we started talking she claimed to be 90% lee....yeah no. Youll see soon enough that that's not the case. I truly believe I found the best and it was 100% worth the wait.

So Ari...thanks for making this stubborn little dream of mine come true. I love you, and I can't wait to see you again.. 😇

TLDR: I MET AN AMAZING PERSON IN THE COMMUNITY IRL AND SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND NOW AND IM SUPER HAPPY 😄

[literal-ghost]

Been thinking a lot lately of how I spent my formative years with one physically/emotionally absent parent and one outward hostile parent, and how as a result I ended up spending the majority of my time attached to a screen and how most of my meaningful relationships were with peers online.

And just

how that left me so fucking socially and emotionally stunted.

It took me well into my late 20s to really start unpacking the extent of this shit, how it affected my friendships on and offline, my behaviors, my perception of others and myself, and how fuckin insecure and yearning for validation it made me, and what a complete and total dipshit I was to some people as a result.

There have been benefits--I've made lifelong friends, learned a lot of things, eventually met my husband online--, but the internet is no substitute for a healthy home environment and stable, nurturing, responsible interpersonal relationships offline.

[myunhingedthoughtz]

Abuse is an intricate and delicate thing. It is sweet and bitter, concise and confusing, peaceful and almost warlike; a beautiful dichotomy. When you are in the depth of abuse you often are unable to distinguish it. The abusive patterns feel normal and off putting all at the same time. As soon as you began to question it the abuser sooths your concerns with beautiful lies. Often leading you to forceful acceptance of the abuse because that’s been normal to you for so long.

Many peoples first response upon hearing about abuse is “Why didn’t you leave”. I would like to ask these people a few questions in response. How are you suppose to know when to leave? How are you suppose to know what warrants leaving? How do you know what’s abuse and what’s not?

Some people have had lifelong trauma and abuse inflicted onto them so they can no longer distinct healthy relationships. I happen to fall under that category of people. I’m the type of person that craves intimacy, yearns for it. As soon as I feel like i have it I will do anything to keep it. It feels as if it’ll slip through my fingers at anytime. I yearn to be understood by others. Unfortunately, I’ve had trouble distinguishing what is healthy and what is not. I am growing and becoming better at it but this is not a self help book. Or a growth and development story. This is my online journal where I can say the most unhinged things and no one will know it’s me. No one will probably even read this! Oh the joy. So now let’s dive in to a “hypothetical story”. Totally not about me.

Once there was a girl who has so much to give because she knew how it felt to never receive. She had always made sure people get comfortable and safe, then she met this person. He was everything she had wanted in a friend. She felt safe and warm in his presence. She had met someone who had finally understood her. This understanding was like no other, she felt like she had known himfor a life time. She was certain they would be lifelong friends. He finally made her feel how she always wanted to feel so she clung on. Despite the ovbious signs of toxic behavior she ignored it because she wanted to continue being understood by him. Being understood by someone felt so good and I didn’t want to let it go. Oops did I say I, I meant the girl. Now I hate to make it sound like the classic sob story of person hurts one person and one person never forgets it. I assure you it’s nothing like that. It’s different this time I swear!

He didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. This time it’s different! He is only able to talk about everything but his faults. It’s not his fault though I promise, he’s learning and growing you can keep holding on. Yes he’s made you cry more times than once and steps all over your boundaries but this time it’s different! Remember that initial safe feeling you had, keep chasing it, it’s still there right? He didn’t mean to make you question, he just misunderstood you. He’s still the person he first showed you. This time it’s different! He’s nothing like the first man who broke your boundaries by giving you unwanted touches. This time it’s different! He only said it was “just a hug” when you told him you were uncomfortable. This time it’s different! He’s not the man who followed you home. This time it’s different! Remember he’s the man who made you feel safe and then snatched it away when you didn’t give him what he wanted. Wait no that’s not how the story goes. Remember this time it’s different! Block that part out. He understands you. I’m still being understood, right?

This time it’s different! He’s nothing like the girl who forced you to have sex with her. This time it’s different! He’s your friend, he knows what’s best for you. He’s right, your boundaries aren’t important, you are overreacting. Just act normal. This time it’s different! Ignore the walking on eggshells feeling. This time it’s different? No this time it’s different! Please can this time be different?

Now do we get it? Do we understand? Every single time it’s different. Time after time after time. You want to believe it’s different you want it to be good. How many times will it take for you to finally leave? To finally realize this is not normal, that this is not different. Let me know when you figure it out because I’m tired of trying to.

xx Hazel

[buckets-and-trees]

Me, HP, and she who should not be named

I no longer financially supporting JK Rowling in any capacity and will continue to maintain that position unless we reach a day where she publicly comes out in an active reversal of her TERF and anti-semitic views (taking action, not just making a statement).

But the Wizarding World that was created...

It's personal for me.

I'm going to pour out a bit of my soul here because I need the catharsis and my own resolution, not because I'm looking to argue, persuade, or dictate to anyone on any level, but I need to make this post for me. There may be people out there who are grappling with the complications as much as I am, and so that's why I'm sharing this, but I will not be engaging in any arguments. Full stop.

I got the first book in paperback in an airport when we were flying to my grandma's house for Christmas, and I devoured it. Two weeks later, I asked for and received books two and three for my thirteenth birthday. Eighteen months later I eagerly waited for the postal worker to deliver Goblet of Fire to my doorstep from this website called Amazon that had made this insane industry-changing promise to have books in our hands the day it was released.

Three weeks later, my family was abruptly uprooted and moved to a new city. Harry, Hogwarts, and these books were my lifeline until I finally made new friends. I read Prisoner of Azkaban so much that the binding of my original copy split from being worn so much. I started writing my first ever fan fiction. It was pretty awful. I typed it and printed it out. I still have it in a binder on my bookshelf because ... it's the second thing I ever wrote. (The first thing was a two-page short story assignment in my eighth grade English class only a few months before.)

My oldest and longest best friend of my life? One of the girls I met during that tumultuous freshman year of high school when we discovered a mutual love for Harry Potter. My mom (single mother) and I had to drive a lot of places together, and I read the books aloud to her in the car.

I didn't get to midnight-release Order of the Phoenix, but I did get to with Half-Blood Prince.

I discovered online fan fiction through Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean, but after HBP's release I went down the rabbit hole of the HP fandom. I got caught up in the "Romance > Other Pairings" category on a HP fanfic site that no longer exists but had quite an active community for many years where submissions for all categories on the site were moderated by real human fans. There was a forum with houses, challenges, a "book club" and a "review club", writing classes, fic exchanges, and annual awards. I became a mod on the site, taught a "Rare Pairs" class, was active in my house, was part of the elite review club...

But most importantly, in that era, I made lifelong friends that I still am in touch with. I met one of my best fandom friends who lived in the same city as my grandmother. I flew to Kentucky for a 4-5 day house party with four of those fandom friends. I went to the Phoenix Rising conference in New Orleans in May 2007 with three other fandom friends where I got to be a featured drabble writer during one of the sessions and met the guy who was "The Remus Lupins" during the heyday of Wizard Rock. At that conference, I got tapped to be part of a "readers discussion" Borders filmed ahead of the release of the final book where all we debated was "Snape: good or evil" for an hour. (When Borders ceased to exist as a company, there website and all content was wiped from the known internet world so...if you're wanting to internet sleuth it, be my guest, I would LOVE to ever see that footage again, but I've never been able to find it while scouring the world wide web.)

One of my best fandom friends flew to my house for a week for the release of Deathly Hallows so we could read and revel together. The next year I flew to Sweden to spend seventeen glorious days with two of my other best fandom friends who lived an hour outside of Stockholm.

I was one of the people who did the chance/lottery thing in order to be one of the only one million fans given the beta access to Pottermore when the site was first launched in 2011.

One of the things my stepdad and I initially were able to start bonding over when my mom got remarried was that he actually had read the books and loved them.

I watched A Very Potter Musical the first summer it came out on YouTube. Potter Puppet Pals. The shit show of content censoring on LiveJournal that spurred the creation of AO3 and a mass exodus to this fairly new social media thing called tumblr? I was there for all of it.

I went to DC and spent a week with another fandom BFF who I had not only a HP podcast with, but we also did a little over three years/four seasons of a Downton Abbey podcast together.

A couple of years after I graduated from college, did a year-long internship, then got my first full-time job, moved out, put a year under my belt there, and then started to realize I needed...hobbies and to meet new friends in my town, my aunt suggested I join some groups on meetup.com and I joined this one that was a HP book club on a silly goofy whim but I was like, psh, I'm not probably even going to go to that one... but the girl who organized it messaged me, personally invited me, they were only on the second week of the book club, and I decided to actually go and... went to that group of 25-30ish year old adult book club for three years. We cycled through the book series twice.

My first ever solo trip was to go to Harry Potter World in LA. I

That's the stuff I can define specifically for you when it comes to the deep roots Harry Potter has in my life.

But that's not even touching the deep roots it established in my identity and my worldview.

This was a world that launched my imagination as a CREATOR. I wrote hundreds of thousands of words in this fandom, created multiple WIP/AUs, established intricate head canons, and read absolutely more fanfics than I can even begin to count.

But the devastating thing for me - and I think so many of us...

This was a narrative that taught me about censorship, governmental corruption, acceptance, love, standing up for what was right. I remember when she came out saying Albus Dumbledore was gay and how controversial that was. That IRL adult Harry Potter Book Club? We fucking read Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince, and Deathly Hallows during the Trump presidency and at length discussed the horrors of the political similarities.

There are things now that I look back and see clearly were red flags... the name Cho Chang, lack of diversity in any major characters, calling Harry/Hermione shippers "delusional" in one of her biggest/most notable interviews by fans for fans and then coming out ten years later saying she was totally wrong and should have put H/Hr together...

Daniel Radcliffe wrote this essay for The Trevor Project in 2020 when the woman started to publicly make her reprehensible views known. He closes that essay in a way that resonated with me then and continues to be a balm to my soul now:

To all the people who now feel that their experience of the books has been tarnished or diminished, I am deeply sorry for the pain these comments have caused you. I really hope that you don’t entirely lose what was valuable in these stories to you. If these books taught you that love is the strongest force in the universe, capable of overcoming anything; if they taught you that strength is found in diversity, and that dogmatic ideas of pureness lead to the oppression of vulnerable groups; if you believe that a particular character is trans, nonbinary, or gender fluid, or that they are gay or bisexual; if you found anything in these stories that resonated with you and helped you at any time in your life — then that is between you and the book that you read, and it is sacred. And in my opinion nobody can touch that. It means to you what it means to you and I hope that these comments will not taint that too much.

Some people are boycotting the Wizarding World in its entirety - some on principle, some because it's too painful to entertain on any level - and I'm not going to tell anyone else what they should or should not do.

I'm doing what my soul longs for, which is a complete rejection of JKR and a reclamation of the parts of something that became irrevocably part of me and on so many levels made my life better. When I look at some of my merch, I get angry, want to give my sweatshirts away...

But when I think about the stories, the lore, the things that I wrote, the things some of my dearest friends wrote, the ideas that have recently percolated in my head? Those still bring me joy. Those still inspire me.

I think Harry Potter should get to belong to us - like Greek and Roman mythology, One Thousand and One Nights, Robin Hood, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

If the Nicean Council got to bastardize/dictate/set the precedent for Christianity, why not us? And if you read down this far and are like, whoa, equating HP to a religion? That's a bit much... well. It was as personal to me as organized religion, which I'm also extricating myself from and have spent the past few years trying do sort out and define my own spirituality after coming to the point that I realized I needed to reject the organization I was born into and raised in.

As I said near the top of this post, I'm not looking for anyone to agree or disagree. I've documented some of what's been in my head and my heart here to sort it out for myself. There may be people out there who are grappling with the complications as much as I am, and so that's why I'm sharing this, but I will not be engaging in any arguments. Full stop.

And this is where I'll leave it.

[brooklynislandgirl]

Tagged By: The lovely Carrie @grimmusings and thank you, dear! Tagging: Be Fae, Steal this. ~*~

I. how long have you been roleplaying?

I do not even know how or where to begin answering this because I do believe I was a freshman in high school when I was first introduced to D&D {Dragonlance was the world/setting} and I took to it like a fish to water. A long time after that, I was introduced to the early days of the internet and the concept of real-time chats {mIRC}. I met my future husband in one, and the two of us then found an rp chat. Within a few weeks, we'd been asked to co-run a portion of that rp. About six months later, we were living together, and running that game, a couple in real life, and others. Fast forward a million years and a million iterations of online rp and here we are. {{AOL, MSN communities/chat, Eyechat, InvisionFree and other message boards, private email/etc, and now- Tumblr and Discord. I've pretty much been there, done that with almost every place. Except Twitter, and Facebook.}} II. what got you interested in roleplaying?

I have been a lifelong reader. I was diagnosed as a "gifted" child in the days of yore, mostly because I was reading by the age of four, and I think at some point, I wanted to make stories too. My very first fan-fiction began at the age of 8. Tabletop RP is still my first rp love, though online rp has become a close second. If RP didn't exist, I would still be around somewhere, writing stories and living inside of my own imagination. III. are there any lesser played canon characters you’d like to see in your community?

I have a complicated relationship with canon characters. Two of my oldest friends and I are often dismayed. Back in OUR day, canons were rare and treated with a certain suspicion and disdain. And unfortunately, a lot of people seem to be trapped in a mindset that Canon are the be-all, end-all and don't give OCs a fair shake because they had 'one bad experience, once, a hundred years ago'. Or the whole 'I don't know how to interact with you' even if the OC is built for your fandom, and yet your top three partners are other canons from fandoms that have nothing to do with yours. <eye roll>. I think I find something very disingenuous about that when I see a lot of 'canons' that seem to have only a vague idea about their muse, choose only the flavour of the month fc for them, and just generally come across as ooc/lazy/sloppy. But I am a fandom dinosaur, with a background in creative writing, novel-writing, and 20+ years of rp experience. My standards are so incredibly high. That being said... Justified, Dark Shadows {not the Johnny Depp monstrosity} anyone/thing from the World of Darkness, Dragonlance, Foggy Nelson, Firefly, Vertigo/Indie comics, Valiant Comics....Horatio Hornblower, Sharpe's Rifles, and any historical genre, really. IV. would you consider writing them?

For the right reasons, the right partner, yes. But most of the time I prefer telling new stories in a beloved world/au. V. what do you enjoy the most about creating ocs? I bet you'd NEVER guess that I am really neurotic/overly serious when it comes to making a character. I will sit there for literally months, contemplating their every minute of life before and up to the moment I am ready to debut them. I will know 12 generations of their family. I will know a couple dozen fandoms they might fit in and how they would relate to things. The only aspect I don't really control or try to map out is what canon and other oc muses they might get on with. That's part of the fun of actual rp, forging connections.

Maybe the trouble is...I want to give everyone my absolute best. I want to offer a rewarding experience to people, and thus the standards I carry for myself are excruciatingly severe. But I *can* be silly and fun, once the story begins.

[adeathsentence]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. ( REPOST DO NOT REBLOG ! )

○  name: Ash

○  pronouns: Yes.

○   preference of communication: D/iscord for sure.

○    name of muse(s): Andrea Labonair Hayley Marshall and then there's all the lads at wronglyrighteous and brokencanbefixed.

○    experience/how long (months/years?): Lifelong RPer, but online? Since ~2008.

○    platforms you’ve used: Bebo, Tumblr, D/iscord

○   best experience: All the lovely people I've met over the years--some of whom I lost touch with--but the memories remain.

○    rp pet peeves / dealbreakers: Trying to pit me against others/involve me in drama. I'm just here to write with friends, but somehow that has given others in the past the impression I'm somehow on their side in some petty war they have going on with someone else. I'm Switzerland. I don't deal with that madness except with a block.

○    fluff, angst, or smut: All three work for me!

○    plots or memes: Both.

○    long or short replies: Both.

○    best time to write: Usually in the evening when the day's finally balancing out.

○    are you like your muse(s): Like Hayley? Ha, no. Not in any way shape or form lmao. If I had to choose which of my muses I'm most like, it would be a mix of musical tastes (Dean) and personality/demeanor (Sam/Klaus). I've always been the younger sibling that the older had to take care of and wanted to break off/make my own way in the world (Sam) but have the fatherly issues and anger Klaus dealt with due to his parentage. Sam as well. XD

tagged by: @therebekahmikaelson & @demcnsinmymind

tagging: @xxgotthedevilinsidexx & @psychiclegacy because I think just about everyone else I know has been tagged lol.

[creepykuroneko]

As a 90s kid, sociologist, and lifelong horror fan I would absolutely love to have this discussion.

My short oversimplified assumption would be that everyone regardless of if they are left leaning or right leaning who does not like horror likes to censor it so that nobody can partake in horror at all. I met so many people who claim to be left leaning but talk about how Coraline terrified them as a kid so they will never let their children watch Coraline. Despite the fact that we know it's important for kids to experience all emotions including fear in a safe contained environment. It helps get the brain juices going so they learn what can be done in certain types of situations. Plus, just because someone prefers horror over any other genre out there does not mean they're going to be an antisocial serial killer. It definitely does not help at all that every time you go online to find information on children's horror, you find Mommy bloggers or weird articles on other websites talking about how the only type of horror that is appropriate for children are things like Monsters Inc or waiting until a child is the age of 13 to slowly introduce them to movies I was watching by the age of four. Even when it comes to horror media that is intended for children, a lot of adults say that it may be too intense for anyone under the age of 15. 🙄

I can think of a lot of juvenile and ya horror books for kids but when it comes to TV shows and movies I can only think of a handful that have come out within the past 8 years. Which is a real shame because not only do children need a variety of entertainment to consume but the few recommendations I can't think of have very small fan bases because the networks chose to bury them where no one can find them.

If anyone is interested in my children's horror recommendations here is a brief list:

Victor and Valentino: cartoon show that only ran a few seasons on cartoon network. Set in mexico, it is about two half siblings who go to stay with their grandmother in Mexico for the summer and weird Supernatural things ensue. The boys are of Mexica heritage so apart from each episode being creepy, it also ties in Aztec deities (yes we do get to meet several Aztec gods in the show 😺) and lore specific to Latin america. They have some really good creepy episodes.

Nightbooks by J.A. White I recommend both the book and the movie adaptation on this one. Yes the movie does very slightly from the book but that's okay. Both are good. The protagonist is a young boy who absolutely loves horror and wants to be a horror writer. Main hobby though has alienated him from the kids in his class to the point where he doesn't have any friends. One day he falls into a magical world and is trapped by an evil witch who demands he tell her a scary story every night or she will kill him. I absolutely love the actress who plays the witch in the movie, she is over the top campy and hilarious. It's a cheesy children's horror movie, it's not meant to be deep.

Frankelda's Book of Spooks is a Charming. Stopmotion show from Mexico. The host is a ghost named Frankelda. In each episode, Frankelda reads a story from her book to the audience. there is some bigger mystery going on in the background but the show only vaguely eludes to it. Supposedly there is a movie in the works that will explain more. Unfortunately the show was a little simplistic, each episode has some sort of lesson to teach the audience, it does so in a not so subtle almost patronizing way but the animation is genuinely beautiful, love the character designs, and it is a silly horror show at the end of the day. Nothing good happens to any of the children in her stories so it is different compared to most children's horror media.

Wednesday could definitely be considered horror. I know everyone is quick to condemn it because they see Tim Burton credited but don't worry he was just a producer. He did not write, direct, or cast anyone. The show follows Wednesday as she is being forced to go to the private Academy her parents met at when they were her age after she is expelled from her last school. Things get interesting for her as she finds out there is a serial killer on the loose, a monster stalks the woods, and someone tries to kill her in the first episode. The show is not bad and Wednesday actually does get some good character development. The problem is outside of her and one other character, the rest of the characters feel underdeveloped, the pacing does feel a tad off, there are a lot of red herrings that are pretty easy to figure out but then again it is important to keep in mind it is based off the juvenile book series so some of my criticisms might be more from an adult's perspective. Minor spoiler that I never see anyone talk about, her roommate is a werewolf.

Wendell & Wild is another fun stop motion animated horror movie that needs to be on everyone's shelf right next to coraline, paranorman, and The Nightmare Before christmas. In fact it even has the same director as Coraline and The Nightmare Before Christmas, Henry Selick. Wendell and Wild is about a teenage girl named Kat who has experienced much tragedy at a young age. Without giving too much away, it turns out that instead of fairy godmothers she sort of has demon godfathers ( my term not what they are called in the movie) and they will grant her a wish if she agrees to do their bidding. The movie deals with a lot of really good issues like the school to prison pipeline, the American prison complex, how trauma can harm not only people but places, and restorative justice. Love the character designs, the animation, and the story on this one.

The Ghost and Molly McGee. This Disney show only has two seasons but it touched on some dark issues and even got emotional in the very end. Molly is a overly optimistic girl with adhd whose goal is to make the world a better place. Her family moves into a house that happens to be haunted by an extremely grumpy pessimistic ghost. Needless to say they have an Odd Couple thing going on. The show is pretty funny and deals with some interesting issues in the Ghost World. The only problem I have with it is that it's intended for a much younger audience. That's not a bad thing but it does mean that teens and adults will be more bored with it compared to a five year old.

Creeped Out is a TV series for fans of Are You Afraid of the Dark. It's a anthology series. Each episode takes place somewhere different with a different cast and different plot. It's not overly scary but similar to Goosebumps things do not end in a happy everything gets wrapped up nicely package.

The small spaces quartet by Katherine Arden. I haven't read the final book in this series but the first three books are pretty fun to be honest. We follow three Middle School age kids as an evil Supernatural entity seems to stalk them and put them in perilous Adventures. The author definitely knows how to build suspense and it's fun to see the kids work together to solve problems. The villain in this series is honestly pretty creepy and mysterious enough to keep the reader intrigued.

Artie and the Wolf Moon by Olivia Stephens is a graphic novel about a girl who finds out that she comes from a long line of werewolves. As she gets to learn about her family history and the history of werewolves, she finds out there are other things in the world to be scared of.

That's all I can think of for now. I know there's a lot of kids horror books out there but when it comes to movies and TV shows I can't think of too many that have come out within the past decade. It's a real shame to see that so many people are trying to prevent kids from having access to horror. I know one of the problems is that thanks to the streaming wars it's harder for people to know about specific shows and movies and other people have a hard time getting access to them in the first place. It does not help though that many parents and conservative groups try to remove access in the first place whether it be through banned books or convincing other people that the genre as a whole is bad for kids. I definitely agree with you, I remember having easy access to a lot of horror media that was kid friendly back in the day. If it's any consolation to you, RL Stein has never stopped writing. That men releases at least three books a year for the past 40 years.

idk how to say this without sounding really boomer-ey, but like, what happened to horror content for kids? maybe i’m using the word “horror” a little liberally but i remember when i was a kid there was SO much out there that existed solely for the purpose of scaring kids in a safe, fun, age-appropriate way. just off the top of my head there’s goosebumps, scary stories to tell in the dark, tales from the crypt (little before my time though), coraline, mirror mask, monster house, dark crystal (more incidentally scary but w/e), even courage the cowardly dog; all these really fantastic books and shows and movies that let kids explore being scared on their own terms.

now there’s idk, those new addams family movies? but those aren’t really scary.

i see people talking about the “kid-ification” of horror games and i can’t help but wonder if part of the reason kids latch onto that stuff so much now is because there’s nowhere else for them to experience healthy, safe fear. a little kid wants to get the thrill of being scared, but their parents won’t let them watch any actual horror movies, so they go on youtube and what do you know, there’s markiplier playing another cheap horror game set in a toy store or whatever, and now that kid’s fear quota is being met. (obviously there’s more to it than that, but it’s a theory i have)

this like, doesn’t really matter probably but idk, i feel bad that ~kids these days~ aren’t getting the experience of something scary made specifically for them with their genuine enjoyment in mind, rather than whatever the next fnaf ripoff is that just wants to sell them merch. being a kid and watching a well-made scary movie feels like you’re finally being taken seriously; you’re not being babied or coddled, you’re being trusted to face the skeksis and the other mother and the nebbercracker house and not back down. i wish people were still making media that respected kids that much.

[performancetaskinncf]

My High School Journey

-Erika Pearl Rosales.

We meet new people, learn new skills, and develop our careers during the finest years of our lives, which are spent in school. We only truly enjoy ourselves when we are in school, and once we start college we always long for the days we spent in school. Our time in school exposes us to a wealth of fresh information and equips us with the tools we need to meet life’s difficulties. I truly love and appreciate my time at school. All of my professors adore me, and I have many friends. Every day, I look forward to going to school to see my friends and learn new things since I love it there.

Everyone claims that being in school is the best period of your life. The schoolchildren reflect on the positive aspects of life after hearing these sayings from their elders. We only participate in the classes and complete the assigned assignments during the course of the day. When school is ended, however, the pupils realize that it was the best period of their lives. Along with learning a lot in school, you can also make new friends, participate in different sports, and create lifelong experiences. Along with understanding what they want to be in life, children also learn a variety of life skills such as cooperation, excellent manners, etc.

Junior High School Journey

The first day if a new school is very difficult for me because you don’t know any one and u feel all alone. Most kids do good because they are a people person which can help because they talk to people and know were or how to get around from talking to other kids. There are also kids that don’t talk as much to other people they don’t know either because there shy .So this I how I overcame the obstacles on my first day.

I woke up this morning and it was harder to get out of bed than usual.I also had a million questions racing through my mind. What should I wear? What should I pack in my backpack? A million questions are an understatement but they were still going through my mind at 4 in the morning.

But all of my doubts in my mind was wrong. When I was in Grade 7 I met a lot of friends in Aglipay High School. A friends who willing to help me through ups and downs. This year was very memorable to me when I was still studying at Aglipay High School. Sir Jerry Baldovino was my School Adviser at that time. admire him a lot because of his ability to teach us and very responsible to his students. One of the thing that I remember when I was in in Grade 7 when my best friend move to another school. Ellieza was my childhood friend so is not easy to accept her decision to move in another school because she’s the one I’m always with all day long.

School Year 2018-2019 the things that I remember when I was in Garde 8, I didn’t expect that I am the one who get in with honors and all of my best friends are also with honors. I was top six in the entire section out of 231 students at Aglipay High School. Me and my friend don’t need to compete with other students just to get high grades but we are also just doing our best to improve our knowledge. I am very thankful because I had a friend like them who will help me through ups and downs. But when I was in Grade 9 I moved in Ilocos Norte for my mother’s medication from Breast Cancer.The things that I remember in Grade 9 when I met a new friend this is Victory Tamayo, Alize Agcaioli and Hyun Maestrado first day when I closed them and became vibrant in everything especially in academic. We didn’t reach the expected average in our school at least we did our best,but even did not reach the average we are still focused on our academic and helping each one of us. After a few weeks we noticed that we were too busy in academic, so we thought to ate outside. Eating street food and going in milktea shop became our bonding. When I was in Grade 10 ,since we are in the era of pandemic so we were studying online class and modular.I’m thankful because even though it was an online class and modular, I was given a chance to prove that even though it was a pandemic and modular, I still got into the top student at school. It was not easy for me to maintain my grades because I always transferred schools every year so my grades were affected, but I can do it for my dream.

My Senior High School Journey

We are still in online class and modular since we are still in the middle of Pandemic. I transferred at JET Montessori School of Ramon Inc. because my Tita convince me to study here. She say that it’s best for me to study here to improve my study and gained a new knowledge because the lessons in JET Montessori are advance. I met a friends in online class named Wilber Diego he was my first Best Friend here in Ramon. After online class he always say to Kuya Edmar “Uy crush ko yan” “Uy sakin lang yan” I always laugh at him because of that we became close friends until now.

We are so lucky to conduct Face to Face class again because of how many year’s since Pandemic. Finally I will met my friends and classmate in person that I met in online class. One of the memorable thing that happen during my school year is when JET Montessori allowed us to conduct Work Immersion. Me and other Grade 12 students was happy and thankful because of the opportunity to experienced the immersion because I met many new friends and besides that I also learned a lot from the work immersion that I use it in the future.

[blubushie]

Additionally: gentle reminder that speaking about your experiences as a survivor means that children who are at risk, or have experienced this abuse, now have words to describe their abuse or even recognise that their abuse WAS abuse. Children who don't hear stories from survivors will not know what to look for in order to keep themselves safe.

When I was growing up, awareness always treated CSA as something that just happens. You get violently kidnapped, or a stranger approaches you and corners you and abuses you while you have nowhere to run. "Adults shouldn't touch you in certain places" or "be safe on the internet and don't talk about where you live or send people pictures" was common, but GROOMING was a topic that wasn't really approached. So me, at 10 years old and ignorant and for the first time having access to the internet, I didn't assume the man I met online was dangerous. I figured he just wanted to be friends, and he was nice, and listened to me, and what 10 year old doesn't beam at being told they're so mature for their age?

Growing up, it was always my understanding because of how the topic and awareness and safety was discussed that abuse was just something that happened instantly, and just in "real life". On a whim, from a stranger, not someone you thought you could trust. There was no pipeline from grooming (emotional or physical) to abuse. But most children are sexually abused by someone they know—a parent, one of their parents' siblings, a grandparent, a teacher, a coach, a babysitter, someone they meet online. And adults can scream from the rooftops that "only a parent or doctor should touch you there" but what happens when your abuser IS your parent? What happens when you're neurodivergent and take everything literally, and "only a parent or doctor can touch you there" means you don't speak up about your abuse because you assume since it's your parent or doctor, that must mean it's normal and ok, and you're just being sensitive? What happens when the person who is grooming you is someone you thought, ignorant child you are, that you could trust not to hurt you?

You end up getting raped in a dodgy hotel. You go home bleeding and hide the signs and shower in water hot enough to scald you until your dad yells at you to stop using up all the hot water. And you don't talk for a few days, because your rapist made it quite clear that no matter what you said, it wouldn't matter. And if you're unlucky enough to be bullied at school and often come home not wanting to talk, this means your parents miss the signs. The bruises on your neck are from some kid trying to fight you—ignore that they're the size of a man's hands.

And you keep coming back to your abuser, keep feeding into the cycle, for a few more years because he might have hurt you but he's also told you that he loves you and this just must be what love is like. Everyone goes through this, right? They just bear it with more grace than you do. Maybe there's something wrong with you that you don't like it—your abuser seems to think so, and your abuser's word is trusted because you are a grooming victim but don't have the knowledge or the words to recognise it because it's not discussed. So you fall victim to a perpetual cycle that gives you lifelong psychological and psychosexual trauma and when you're an adult and people ask you why you are the way that you are, you can't even tell them why because the very experiences that formed your personhood and shaped who you are as a healing adult is too taboo to talk about except in hushed whispers.

And so long as this standard is upheld—that CSA survivors can't talk about the abuse they experienced—more and more children will keep being hurt because they won't be able to recognise the signs or understand why they aren't ok when everything every adult has taught them says they should be.

i cannot possibly overstate the psychological damage of growing up being abused in a way that is considered so disgusting as to be literally unspeakable and treated as such.

[hopecomesbacktolife]

genuinely genuinely like. the people you make friends with and let close to your heart can literally change your life and I’m not even talking about the broad/sweeping meaning of their friendship making your life better (although that too!! so so much!!! I can never overstate how important and good that is too!!) but like. even the most specific things like one person seeing something in you and their acknowledgment and encouragement thus allowing it to grow beyond what you could imagine. like lemme explain

many years ago my friend emily introduced me to one of her friends named cammie who she’d been trying to get me to meet bc she knew we’d get along great. and then the two of them introduced me to star trek and cammie, a physicist, would ramble all about her studies and explain things in ways I could understand and we’d talk about the trek science and where it did and didn’t hold up

and then one semester in undergrad I took a class on severe & hazardous weather and she helped me with my lab hws because the math was beyond me but with her help I finally got it and didn’t cry from math frustration (bc having a good teacher will do that for ya ♡) and ended up enjoying that class so much

and then after undergrad I decided I wanted to learn more about the Big Bang and the beginning of the world/galaxy/universe and she and I went book shopping on one of our reunion trips and I bought a book called “a little book about the Big Bang” (highly recommend btw) and then she and I would discuss the science and math in it on our calls and I’d ask her questions when I didn’t understand things

and throughout all this I realized I didn’t have the math skills to understand a lot of this (separate and other story for another time) and so I went online and (using a curricula emily recommended) bought myself a math textbook. and now I’ve been working through that math textbook and hope to continue working on it through the whole textbook series

and like. for many months now I’ve been having this hazy, half-formed idea take shape in my brain that like. what if I keep working at my math and get it up to X level. and if I still am enjoying it and feel like I can do this. what if, then, in like 5-10 years, once I’ve brought up the math to the level necessary, I were to go to grad school for cosmology (because I’ve discovered that’s the area that makes me go !!! the most like cosmology is So Cool What Even) and then like??! idk… keep on scienceing on?! maybe even for a job!!!!

like. this has all happened so gradually it sorta snuck up on me in the beginning, like a slowly blossoming tree, but literally like. I’m seriously considering totally changing the trajectory of my life and considering in several years trying to go back to school and like. due to (aforementioned long and much-less-happy reason’s separate story) I never had science be even a possible career or life choice. and like.

Baby-Me dreamed of being an astronomer. and because I met cammie and she was So Good at explaining things and met me where I was and told me that no, my questions weren’t stupid and I wasn’t behind and no you have a great mind for this stuff then I actually felt that lifelong interest reawaken. and discovered that I can actually learn things if I have access to them. And now I’m considering this massive life change!!! Because I met her!!! Because she’s my friend!!! Like. god. thinking about this makes me emotional because it’s like truly the power of friendship is what it’s all about and like friends truly do see you before you see yourself sometimes

idk anyway 💗💗💗 just contemplating potentially changing my life trajectory in 5-10 years and it’s bc the power of friendship :’) and it’s makin me a little emotional

[tetsunormous]

Reencounters

pairing: Matsukawa Issei x f!reader

genre: college au, friends to lovers, smut (18+), fluff

word count: 6.5K

warnings: cunnilingus, fingering, vaginal penetration, unprotected sex, creampie, swearing, nipple play, pinning

A/N: This is for Ria's @bakugohoex's rich boy collab 💜 Congrat's on 3k!! thank you to @ohno-otome and @armins-futon for reading this for me. I love matsukawa but I don't write for him often so this has been really fun :)

Walking into your new dorm room, you weren’t sure what to expect. Sure, you’ve seen the pictures online, but there’s nothing like the slightly dusty window letting in a hazy ray of light shining down onto the slight dip in the middle of the mattress you now call your own. Your desk almost touched the corner of your twin-sized bed, and your new bookshelf barely has enough room to fit half of the books you brought, but this was your new life. It didn’t dawn on you just how different university would be until you arrived this morning, but here you were, unpacking all your clothes into the cramped closet in the corner. Luckily, you’re in the building where you had a single room. Privacy was something you were worried about, and the communal washrooms will be something to get used to, but either way, this was a new start, and no matter how nervous you are, you’re grateful for it.

High school wasn’t terrible, but it definitely wasn’t what you expected it to be. Going into it, you obviously knew that it would be nothing like how the movies depicted, but you were excited. How bad could those four years really be if you had your best friend right by your side? He was incredible. He understood you better than anybody else, would be able to tell how you were feeling without the exchange of words, but most of all, he was your person, and you were his.

There was no doubting that in all your years of friendship.

But alas, like all good things in life, they must come to an end.

The summer going into the twelfth grade, he was longer your best friend. The boy that would go to the farmers market with you and your mom every other Sunday was now lining up for the newest sneaker drop. The boy that would rather spend the night at home and binge-watch your shared comfort show for the seventh time is now out with the boys sneaking into shisha bars and doing donuts in the community centre parking lots with their new cars. You watched as he slowly forgot about you, getting caught up in his new friendships and obsessing over material items that he never cared about before. It’s not that you were upset he found new friends. It’s that the only time he would reach out was to randomly drop off something he had bought you in hopes it would make up for him blowing you off again.

They started small, simple sweaters he knew you would like, but the gifts became almost ridiculous as time passed. He would never let you return them either, so now you have designer shoes for imaginary banquets. Of course, you were always grateful, but you would trade all his gifts just to spend time with him again. His family has always been wealthy, they always went on lavish vacations and drove the nicest cars, but you never really cared about what he spends his money on or just how much his parents make. You cared that he saw you as a person he wanted to be with rather than just someone he could shove gifts towards to make up for the quality time he’d miss.

But now you’re here. You were arriving three hours before the suggested move-in time because you didn’t want to be rushed to unpack before orientation starts later. You’ve seen a few people walking around on your floor, but neither of your neighbours have arrived, and honestly, you don’t mind because that means you’re able to blast your music without worry. As The 1975 fills your room, you stand still for a second, really taking in where you are. You’re now attending one of the best schools in the country, living on your own with a floor of people you don’t know yet. It starts to sink in that you are starting anew. The people who end up in the rooms next to you might just end up being your lifelong friends. As the song comes to an end, you decide it’s time to try to make yourself look a little more presentable since it’s almost time for people to start rolling in.

...

It’s almost five in the afternoon, and everyone on your floor is meeting outside on the field for a quick introduction before group dinner. You’re sitting with your knees pressed to your chest as the girl next to you tries to make small talk. To be fair, she’s incredibly sweet, but you can’t focus on her because somewhere behind you, there is a voice you think you recognize. There’s no way he would be here. Sure, you have no idea what school he ended up choosing, but if he ended up here, he would’ve at least texted you. Right? Before you can confirm your suspicions, orientation starts, and your group leader is already talking with more energy than you can handle.

The group of guys settle down close by, and you can’t stop yourself from looking over, wondering if you’ll see the head of brown curls. Instead, you’re met with a bunch of frat boy looking wannabes that instantly make your eyes roll. To say you’re disappointed that you didn’t see him was so stupid. It’s been over a year, yet here you were, hoping to magically bump into him as if this was some cliche movie. If anything, it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating that even though he stopped caring for you, you still longed to see him, to hear him laugh at one of your cheesy jokes. It’s even more frustrating that this new start you’ve been looking forward to, makes you miss him even more.

There are only sixteen people on your floor, but introductions take a lifetime because someone didn’t come on time. When they finally do show up, you almost laugh at this whole situation because, of course, it was him. Of course, he was strutting down the courtyard in some brand new Gucci sneakers and the same Balenciaga sweater he had bought for you a few months ago. Of course, the annoying group of boys behind you gesture for him as he quickly apologizes to the group leaders. And, of course, when you make eye contact, he’s the one looking at you with a mixture of shock and annoyance.

Quickly rushing back to your room after the meeting, you decide you’re ordering in tonight so that you don’t have to see him for at least another day. This is all so fucked up. You wrack your brain trying to understand how probable this whole situation is because, frankly, it feels like a sick joke, and on top of it, he’s the one annoyed?

Naturally, you spend the rest of the night unpacking the rest of your things before ordering your comfort food to wash down all the feelings you’re experiencing. Putting on your favourite show, you begin your tenth rerun as you bury yourself in your blankets. Part of you feels so stupid for completely ignoring your initial dinner plans, but you knew with the mindset you had at the moment, there was no way you would have enjoyed yourself. It’s a bit silly you haven’t left your room since picking up your takeout, you don’t even know who lives beside you, but that’s a problem for tomorrow.

Slipping into your slides, you head towards the washroom with your little toiletry bag. You pass by the girl you were sitting with earlier, and she sends you a smile. After apologizing for disappearing all night she just laughs and assures you nothing happened. She even points out where her room is if you were up to hang out tomorrow during frosh activities.

Just this interaction makes you feel better, and you quietly hum along to the familiar tune coming from the shower stall.

He used to play this song all the time, claiming it spoke to him the first time he heard it. Since then, it became the song he would play anytime he’d come to pick you up, explaining how this song is special because the ending always reminded him of you. It didn’t matter how long it’s been since the two of you hung out. Every time you heard ‘Pluto Projector,’ it would always bring a smile to your face. You even tried to show the song to your ex-boyfriend, but he never paid attention to your suggestions. He always claimed that his music taste was better. Thankfully that relationship only lasted a couple of months, but still, the regret of not waiting for someone worthy lingers in your mind.

While applying your moisturizer, you hear the water shut, the person pausing the song right as the orchestra starts to come in. Worried about who you may run into, you quickly pack up your stuff. You hear the click of the lock, and as you turn around, you’re met with him, with his curly hair all damp and his obnoxious teal blue robe wrapped loosely around his waist.

Rushing past him, you briskly walk towards your room, but before you can close the door, his foot jams between the doorframe. He pushes his way in and quietly closes the door, only to be met with the unimpressed look on your face. He circles around your room, eyes searching for any trace of your past friendship before standing back at the door.

“What do you want, Matsukawa?” you ask impatiently. It’s bad enough you run into the one person you wanted to forget, but now he’s standing in your room with a matching frown.

Something indescribable flashes across his eyes, and you can visibly see his frown deepen at your question. Leaning against your door, his arms come up to rub over his face, peeking at you through his fingers before letting out a long sigh. “When did I become Matsukawa? I thought I was Issei.”

You can’t help the chuckle that escapes your lips, and you realize how childish your grudge might be, but he has changed, and the man standing in front of you isn’t the same man you once called your best friend. “When you changed, Matsukawa. Issei was my best friend, and YOU are not.”

His eyes filled with confusion as his eyebrows furrow, taking a step forward towards you. “I’m sorry? I tried to stay in touch with you. You’re the one that stopped talking to me, so I’d try to send you things instead. How was I the one who changed?”

You stand there, staring at him for a second before shaking your head. “I can’t do this right now; I want to have a good day tomorrow, so I need to go to sleep. Please, leave my room.”

His eyes soften a little, and you can see a faint glimpse of his infamous lazy smile, “We both know you’re not going to be sleeping anytime soon,” he stalks over and kicks his slides off before sitting at the end of your bed. “Let’s talk about this because, frankly, I’m tired of watching you decide if you hate me every time you see me.”

The nerve of this man. The fact that he invites himself into your room, declares his stay, and then sits on your bed without permission. You don’t even know if he’s wearing anything under that robe as his hair is literally dripping onto your comforter. Regardless of what the situation is, this action alone has you seething. Turning towards your desk chair, you harshly pull out the slightly imbalanced piece of wood and sit down, silently questioning why he isn’t the one on the chair.

He watches you stomp around, and he kinda chuckles at your little tantrum, missing how easy it was to rile you up. Your glare at him would be a little scary if he didn’t see the way your lips mumbled to yourself. It’s honestly a little cute to watch you all frustrated with him even though he saw one of the shoes he bought you in your closet. Sure, they look brand new, but the fact that you brought them here with you must mean something.

The year you two spent apart has been really stressful on Matsukawa. He thought that you’d be happy that he could give you everything you wanted. He knew he wasn’t spending as much time with you as he used to, but he thought the gifts he spent hours lining up for would make up for it.

When you stopped returning his calls and texts, he was crushed. Everyone could see how he felt about you, but then he watched you get close to another man. Within two weeks, you were dating him, and he was left watching from a distance. Neither of you ever confirmed your feelings for each other, but he could tell that man wasn’t making you happy. He didn’t understand your different facial expressions, he didn’t care about what you had to say, but all he could do was watch the girl he wanted from the sidelines.

Sure, as time went on, Matsukawa also started talking to other girls. None of them ever became his girlfriend, he didn’t think it was fair to get with someone when he was set on you, but he had his fair share of hookups. He has money, a shit ton of it, but he never let that get to his head. It wasn’t his fault that he gained popularity when he started to get into name brands and upgraded his car, but none of that ever changed who he was — at least not to the degree you had him pinned.

He watches you carefully, your leg bouncing impatiently as your eyes glare daggers in his direction. He runs his hand through his hair and lets out a sigh, “what did I do wrong? You didn’t even give me a chance to fix whatever I did (y/n).”

The lamp in the corner of your room shines a dim yellow hue onto his features. His brows are knitted in concern as he leans forwards on his knees, his robe showing off a deep v down his chest. You can feel yourself freeze up at his question, goosebumps covering your skin, while your eyes pour into his. “You changed Matsukawa. You stopped making an effort to be there. I’m not some girl you can just buy with all your money. I have never cared about how much you have or what you can afford -- you know that! It doesn’t matter what. I always split things with you because I never wanted you to feel like I was there for your money. But then suddenly, you just stop showing up. You wouldn’t even tell me you made other plans, and I would just open my door to find some package you dropped off.”

His eyes search your face before letting out a deep sigh. “I tried! You wouldn’t answer any of my calls, I know I stopped explaining myself, but can you blame me? Don’t you think I want to take you around and introduce you to all my friends? Don’t you think I miss going on late-night drives with you to 7-11? Every time I would drive past there, you’re all I thought about. You and your stupid obsession with cheese taquitos and Arizona tea. Did you even think about how I felt when you decided to act like I don’t exist?” He hastily stands up and paces around in the confined space of your dorm room. He never raises his voice, so hearing him talk at a slightly louder volume was enough to let you know he was dead serious. “You know, I never stopped talking highly about you because as selfish as it is, those boys have an important family. They have the connections you dream about (y/n), so even when you started to ignore me to go out with that fucking ex-boyfriend of yours, I never said anything.”

He looks at you with pleading eyes before going to sit back down, his elbows now resting against his thighs. “I know you don’t care about my money, but I didn’t know how else to tell you I was still thinking about you. I tried to get you things that you’d like, things that you’d wear. But no, I had to watch you put on a fake smile and laugh at that asshole’s jokes while you stubbornly ignored me to the point I thought you had me blocked.”

Looking up at you through his curls, his hooded eyes looked darker before. His lips curled into a forced smile as he let out a breathy chuckle, “he didn’t deserve you. But what do I know, right?”

You sat there quietly, taking in what he had just said. You didn’t realize how hurt he was. To be frank, up till now, you were so consumed by your feelings, and you failed to consider his own. His head is hanging between his hands, and the silence in your room right now is insufferable. He’s just explained himself, yet all you can do is scoff at yourself. While you were obsessing over the fact that Matsukawa wasn’t coming over to watch another rerun of your favourite show, he was out picking out different gifts he thought you’d like. You didn’t even open the last few because your own emotions so blinded you. Hearing him take a deep breath, he stands up and smiles sadly at you, “nice talk, (y/n). Thanks for listening.”

“I’m sorry, Issei.”

He lifts his head to meet your gaze, and you can visibly watch as his shoulders relax. It’s been too long since he’s heard you call him by his first name.

“I’m sorry too. I should’ve just gotten out of the car to talk to you.”

You look at him with a small smile. Walking towards your bed, you sit down and pat the spot beside you, pulling him in for a hug. His robe is probably the softest thing you’ve ever felt in your life, your fingers sinking into the fabric as you hold him close. His arms are immediately wrapping around you, and you both stay like that for a minute before you pull back, a faint blush blooming on your cheeks.

“No, you have nothing to apologize for. You tried reaching out to me, you tried explaining yourself, but I didn’t even give you a chance. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I was so caught up I didn’t even think about what you were feeling. The fact that you still wanted to introduce me to your friends, even after all the stuff I did to you….I’m so sorry, Issei.”

He gives you a playful smile and lightly nudges your shoulder with his, “yea, that was kinda unfair, but good thing we talked it out, huh?”

You flash him a sheepish smile, but your eyes glimmer with happiness, “yea, it’s good you barged into my room at two in the morning. Just like old times.”

His smile instantly grows at your playfulness, and he gives you a mock scoff. “I’m sorry, but if I remember correctly, you’d beg for me to stay over at two am cause you decided you wanted to watch a scary movie. Have you gotten better with horror movies this year, or are you still as jumpy as I remember?”

The tip of your ears growing warm while you mutter out a quick “shut up.”

His laughter makes your heart beat against your chest because you missed it so much. It’s been a while since you got to hear him laugh with you, and without even thinking, you go in for another hug.

His arms easily hold you close, and one of his massive hands reaches up to pet your hair. “Missed me, didn’t you?” he asks, and you can feel him smirking, so you just nod, your fingers playing with the damp, short curls at the base of his nape.

“Issei?” you ask with a little murmur against his neck.

“Hmmm?”

You smile to yourself and pull back a little, so you can see his face, “so other than hanging out with your friends and keeping up with my relationship, what else have you been doing?”

His face drops as he looks at you with a deadpan stare, the corners of his mouth twitching up in a smile as you giggle at his reaction. He pushes you back, so you end up falling onto your mattress, his long limbs effortlessly straddling your legs. Before you can think about the position you’re in, his fingers start to poke all-around your torso, causing you both to laugh as he starts to tickle you. “You think you’re funny, huh?” His hands go to tickle your worst spot as he starts to talk, but you can’t hear him over your own laughter. His fingers slow down, but you keep giggling when you’re met with his lazy smirk, “I’m trying to talk, you know. It’s rude you’re laughing when I’m trying to speak to you.”

He leans forwards and has both hands resting at the side of your head. Your faces now inches apart, the faint smell of sandalwood from his body wash now becoming more apparent. You stare into his brown eyes, and it almost feels as if everything stopped for a few seconds. The lamp in your room doesn’t do him justice as the shadows of his face wash over his features, but even then, his eyes stare back at you with a slight twinkle as you catch your breath.

Reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck and you tug him close, crashing his lips onto yours. The sweet hints from his beloved Burt’s bee’s lip balm make his lips even softer than you imagined. The kiss is short, but as you both pull away, he’s staring at you with a goofy smile.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that, (y/n).”

“Me too, Issei,” you whisper back before his lips capture yours again, this time with more confidence. This kiss is much more passionate than the last, holding onto each other in hopes of deepening it. One of his hands travels down to grab your waist, his tongue sweeping across your bottom lip, asking for permission. Your lips part and your tongues swirl together effortlessly while your hands play with his hair, pulling him closer into your body.

His hand feels a little rougher than before against your bare skin because of how often he trains, running down the length of your leg. The light touch of his fingertips admires how smooth your skin is before they trail back up, stopping just before the edge of your pyjama shorts. Hooking your leg around his hip, he leans into your body even further and even nips at your bottom lip.

Matsukawa smirks and whispers against your lips, “did he ever kiss you like that?”

Slightly surprised at the question, you shake your head, answering honestly. “He never made me feel the way you do.”

You watch as his eyes dilate, flickering into a deep brown you’ve never seen on him. The hand that was previously on your leg is now cupping your cheek, stroking your face softly, while his own face blooms into a rare shade of pink. Still, his words are clear, “please...give me a chance? He never treated you right. Let me take care of you?”

Words can’t describe how his question made you feel. You spent years learning about Matsukawa, understanding him to the point where words weren’t necessary to see what was happening in his head. Not once did you think he reciprocated your feelings, let alone want to be with you. Yet, here you are, caged beneath his arms as his hopeful eyes pour into yours.

Turning your head slightly, you press a kiss onto his hand and smile. “Please?”

His face breaks into a smile. His cheeks are tinted rose as the corners of his mouth reach up to his eyes. Leaning down, he peppers kisses onto your face, the loose curls on his head tickling your cheeks as he giggles with you. The kisses trail down to your jaw, and he follows the natural curve of your jawline to your ear. “Is this okay?” he whispers softly, only continuing down this path when you give him a curt nod.

Your legs tighten around his waist when he begins to press open mouth kisses down your neck, gently nipping at the spots that make you let out shy little sounds. His tongue leaves kitten licks against your skin after he’s sucked on it, littering faint marks. Seeing you with light hickeys on the base of your neck and collarbones is completely self-indulgent for him. Thinking about waking up in the morning and seeing the marks he knows he gave you makes him inexplicably happy as he sucks particularly hard, causing you to wince.

Immediately he stops and turns to you, “I’m sorry, did I hurt you? D’you wanna stop?”

His concern for you is truly a breath of fresh air compared to what you had before. Shaking your head, you guide his hands to the edge of your sweater. “You bought this for me… it’s only fair I let you take it off.”

He studies your face for a second before his lips curl into a lazy smirk, quickly pulling the overpriced sweater off your body. He takes a sharp inhale when you reveal you aren’t wearing anything underneath as he’s met with your beautiful tits, nipples hard and pointed. “You let me in here knowing you weren’t wearing a bra? And here I thought you were a good girl.”

Noticing how your legs tighten around him, he smirks even wider. Leaning back down, his kisses trail down to your chest, and his lips feel soft and warm against your skin. His fingers take hold of your chin and force you to look down on him while his lips wrap around your nipple, the tip of his tongue flicking gently at the hardened bud. His hand palms against the fatty flesh of your other tit; his fingers are rolling your nipple before tugging on it experimentally.

Suddenly feeling shy, your arms come up to cover your face slightly just to have him lace his fingers with yours, pulling your arms away. “Don’t hide from me. Let me see how pretty you look. Let me hear how good I make you feel, okay?”

“I’ve never had someone play with my tits like this…”

He just stares at you, brows knitted as his smirk turns into a slight pout. “You’re with me now; that means every part of your body will be pleasured. I wanna hear and see all of you, okay?”

With a shy nod, you gently roll your hips against him, inviting more of his attention.

He kisses you once more, murmuring against your lips, “you’re so beautiful. Let me know if I’m going too fast, okay?”

His lips follow down your body once more, lightly biting your tit before using the flat part of his tongue to feel the valley between your chest. Matsukawa lets out a low moan as you arch upwards, pushing yourself closer to his touches. Letting go of your hands, he begins to massage the soft flesh of your tits and kiss down your stomach, the tip of his tongue trailing against the waistband of your shorts.

“Let me hear you ask for it; I don’t wanna do something you don’t want.”

“Isseiiii, please?” you whine out, the tip of your ears turning hot at the thought of asking for his tongue.

He smirks at you, looking up through his hooded eyes and tsks. “Be a good girl for me. Use your words.”

His words go straight to your pussy, and you can’t help the doe eyes look in your eyes when you whimper out, “please, Issei? Wanna feel your mouth on me.”

You watch as he takes in a sharp breath, the hunger in his eyes shining through despite the dim lighting in your room. He tugs at the end of your shorts until they’re completely off, repositioning himself lower until your legs are resting around his biceps. His eyes zone in on the way a sheer layer of slick coats your lips, happy that the attention he’s been giving you has pleased you. As he shimmies down on your bed, his legs now supporting himself on the floor, he nestles himself between your legs, easily spreading your things open with his arms. Sending you a knowing smile, he blows cool air directly onto your clit, loving how your walls flutter for him.

“You’re so sensitive, baby.”

“No one’s ever made me feel like this before...want more, please?”

You look down at him with pleading eyes, your hands cupping his face when you speak. Pressing a quick peck to your hand, he hips his head down and traces your pussy lips with his tongue, savouring how you taste.

The gasp that you let out once you felt his touch was adorable. It suddenly became the sound Matsukawa will chase after the more he gets to know your body and what it likes. He takes one long lap up your pussy, stopping just before your clit and using his fingers, he spreads your lips even more. Once your clit is all exposed, he flicks it gently with the tip of his tongue, looking up at you with all the confidence in the world. Hearing your little moans make him greedy for more, for more desperate and needy sounds, so he goes to press a kiss onto your bundle of nerves. Feeling you twitch beneath him, he gently places his lips around the sensitive bud and sucks earnestly, relishing in the way you buck your hips and call out his name. After a while of pure clitoral stimulation, he leans back up to watch your eyes blink back into focus on his face, a silly dazed smile on your face.

He winks at you and sticks his tongue into your drooling hole, swirling it around to feel the walls of your pussy clench around him. His fingers dig into the flesh of your thighs as he nuzzles his nose against your clit, his cock getting unbearably hard at the way you pant our pleas.

“I-issei! Please….need you inside, please!”

Coming back up for air, his hand leaves your thigh as his fingers start to tease around your hole, loving how your pussy clenches around nothing. So needy for his touches when he’s barely even started. He knows your orgasm was building, but he wants to take his time with you. You mean the world to him, and seeing you like this already makes him feel like the luckiest man at the moment.

Taking two of his fingers, he coats them in all your slick before slowly pushing them inside you. His eyes squeeze shut when he feels how tight you are, his mind immediately thinking about how you’d feel wrapped around his cock. When he’s finally inside, he pulls out slowly before sliding them back in, loving how you beg for more.

“Need more, please, Issei! Go faster, please.”

Your hands pull his head up to kiss you while his fingers begin to speed up. With the lewd sound of his hand slapping against your sopping wet pussy, his palm is applying pressure to your clit. Your moans are lost in your kisses, his other hand going back to playing with your sensitive nipple.

“I have to stretch you out, babygirl. I don’t want my cock to hurt you.”

All you’re able to do is nod as his fingers start to scissor your hole, stretching you out even more. His fingers, now knuckle deep, curl against your sweet spot, making you grip onto his hair as he swallows all your cries, suddenly remembering that the walls in this dorm probably aren’t that thick.

His fingers curl into you more, whispering sweet praises as his hand teases and tugs on your swollen nipple. Everything happened so quick, and you’re cumming all over his hand, your sweet sticky arousal covering his fingers as he slows down. Matsukawa is smiling down at you, “you did so well, baby. Bet that felt really good, huh?”

Maybe you’re needy or just horny, but even after your orgasm, you start tugging the tie that keeps his robe up. Your legs are sore, sorer than they’ve ever been, but all you can think about is how full you would feel with him inside of you. He smirks at you as he pops his fingers into his mouth, sucking off all your juices before letting his robe fall and chucking it to the ground. He’s wearing his briefs, but you can see how hard his cock is under the thin cotton material. Before you’re able to pull his underwear down, he stops you and lets out a small chuckle. “I’m sorry, I don’t have a condom. We don’t have to do anything.”

You giggle and shake your head, “don’t need one; we’re in university, baby. What’s a little fun without risks?”

He lets you pull his underwear down, and his massive throbbing cock instantly slaps against his stomach as he laughs at your reaction. “Had to make sure you were stretched out enough.”

You bite your lips and stare at how big his cock actually is. It’s hard to imagine how you’ll fit that inside of you, but you’re determined to give it a try.

“You ready, pretty girl?” he asks as he taps the tip of cock against your clit, loving how you squirm under him.

“mmhmm, Issei.”

He lets go of his cock and leans up, and pulls you into a deep kiss, completely in awe of you.

“Tell me if you wanna stop, kay?”

Replying with a small hum, he gathers up the remaining slick that’s leaking out of your pussy and strokes his cock slowly, also letting his spit drip down to help lubricate himself. He lines himself up with your pretty pussy and starts to push the head in, studying your face to make sure you’re doing alright. When he sees you smiling back at him, despite the grip you have on his arms, he pushes another two inches inside of you.

“You’re doing so good for me, baby. We’re almost halfway,” he whispers into your ear as he kisses your neck softly, sucking on the spot by the base of your lobe. “Such a good girl for me,” he coaxes as his cock slides another inch into your sweet cunt.

Incredibly, he’s only halfway down because you’ve never felt this full before. Still, your fingers dig into his arms when you ask for more. “Just want all of you in me, please?”

Hearing you ask for more even though you already looked fucked out sparks something inside him. He lets out a low growl and quickly pushes the rest of his length inside you, mumbling sweet nothings against your skin. He moans out with you when he feels how warm and tight you are, your pussy stretching more than it ever has to accommodate his size.

“Feel s’good, Issei.”

With a breathy chuckle, he peppers kisses all over your neck, loving the sound of your soft giggles as he pulls back three-quarters of the way, slowly pushing his way back into you. The gasp you let out is different than before, much more surprised but sensual.

He continues this motion a few more times before he picks up the pace, his hips slamming against you while your tits bounce. Each thrust knocks the air out of your chest cause he’s brushing against your spot every time. Matsukawa leans down and presses his forehead against the crook of your neck, muttering how good you feel.

“F-faster...need you faster, is’o good, please.”

Obliging to your pleas, he starts to rut his hips into yours, the sound of his balls slapping against your skin with each movement. He looks up to see your dreamy eyes and smiles. He knows there’s not a thought behind those eyes right now as his cock slams against your walls with each thrust. He goes to kiss you again, silencing your cries as your nails drag down his arms, trying to ground yourself in the midst of all the pleasure.

“You’re s-tight baby I- fuuuuuck, I can barely move.”

You can’t help it. Your walls are naturally squeezing him because he’s fucking straight into your sweet spot with each snap of his hips. You look at him with hazy eyes, entirely in a trance as you moan out his name. He can tell you want to cum, so his hand reaches down to rub your clit as his cock continues to pound into you.

“C’mon baby, cum all over my cock. You can do it...ah shit, yea, just like that.”

He’s been trying so hard not to cum but watching your back arch into him as your nails drab down his back, his name falling out from your lips in a loud erotic moan, is making it really hard. He looks down in surprise when he sees a creamy white rim around his cock, proud of himself for making you cream.

“Good girl...that’s my fuckin girl.”

Satisfied he made you finish, his head falls back onto your shoulder, his hips just rutting into you as he chases his own orgasm. Not even a minute later, he’s calling out for you as he quickly pulls out, cumming all over your tits. His chest heaves along with yours, his hair sticking to his forehead slightly as he empties his load all over your chest.

Once you’ve both calmed down a little bit, he smiles down at you and goes to stroke your cheek. “Had you creaming on my cock, was it fun? Did you have a good time?”

“S’good...thank you, baby,” you say before pulling him down for a kiss.

He gets up and reaches for his robe, “you did so good, took me like a champ heh. I’ll be back with a rag to clean you up, okay? Don’t move.”

As he leaves your room, you stare up at the ceiling and let out a laugh. Not even twelve hours ago, you were cursing the fact that he was here with you, and now you have his cum all over your tiddies as he goes to get stuff to clean you up.

You watch as he comes back into your room, fully changed with a rag in his hand. He kneels beside you and pets your hair as he starts to wipe his mess.

“Why’re you changed?”

“Oh! We’re going to 7-11 once I get you cleaned up.”

“.....it’s like three-thirty in the morning.”

“I’ll get you taquitos and Arizona,” he says as he goes to wipe around your pussy, mindful not to put too much pressure cause you’re still sensitive.

“And skittles?”

He snorts and kisses your shaking thigh, “yea, I’ll get you skittles, brat.”

© tetsunormous 2021

taglist: @plutowrites @armins-futon @arte-misa @strawbari21 @matsusimp @bokutomessy @mentaly-ill @arumiee @kvrooschibichan lmk if you want to be added to my tag list

[olderthannetfic]

To try to add to the discussion regarding anon, wanting insta-friends, and boundaries ... I think a lot of people in fandom personally overestimate how many people are approaching fandom as their main social hangout. Lots of people in fandom don't care about having lifelong best friends and generally treat fandom friends as acquaintances who share a hobby. While a lot of us are lonely nerds, many people in fandom either already have a close-knit friend group and aren't seeking it out in fandom or don't even want one in the first place.

If you go into a social interaction wanting or expecting the other person to form that relationship with you but they're entirely uninterested ... then I think they can very easily come across as rude, standoffish, cold, or as if they dislike you.

--

I think you're right. A lot of people—or at least the kinds of lonely and confused people who often find their way to anon ask boxes—arrive in a fandom space looking for their Destined Best Friend like a wuxia hero falling in mancrush 30 seconds after meeting some dude. (Look, I was just thinking about Ancient Detective again, okay.)

That perception of coldness is definitely driven, in many cases, by unrealistic hopes.

But I think the problem runs even deeper.

I 10000% approach fandom as my life. My OKCupid profile was balls-to-the-wall crazy fandom shit to weed out the weak. Aside from my college roommate (according to her—but this is the woman who wrote her college diary as Harry Potter fanfic, changing all our names to HP ones, so...), basically all of my offline friends are fanfic nerds and have been for decades.

But...

While I'm a very loud and TMI person in many ways, I'm also an emotional clam. I'll tell you I laughed or that I was angry five seconds after meeting you. I won't tell you I was sad or vulnerable. You gotta reach the ten year mark for that or something. 🤣

Even as a person who prefers fandom friends and an extrovert who is always open to new friends, I still don't just instantly fall for every geek I come across. I've had those love-at-first-sight-but-platonic experiences. They don't happen very often, but they do exist. The most intense one I can think of is somebody I met at a bunch of cons one year, but then I moved across the country and don't go to those cons anymore, and she's not online much. Boo.

The holy grail of fandom friendship happened to me: A bunch of us met about ten years ago via a meetup, and we somehow just gelled. Part of it was random chance in terms of who showed up, what their native personalities were like, and how much free time they had, not to mention whether they lived a long or short drive from each other. Part of it was that I was having weekly dinner parties. We'd have liked each other regardless, I imagine, but we wouldn't have come together like that without regular interactions during the time we were getting to know each other. Side people have come and gone, but that main group coalesced all around the same time, and we're pretty solidly all friends with other individual members of the group as well as being a group together. We have a stupid name for our friend group, it's that much of a Thing. (TBH, I suspect that the level of gelling that happened is why new people haven't usually stuck around. It probably feels hard to break in.)

I'm not saying this to brag but because the interesting thing is that I tried to get that to happen after I moved away, and I couldn't. It wasn't possible to recreate the magic. I made friends, but I never succeeded in making another group like that. I might have been able to with more effort and time and fewer trips back to see my old group, but effort alone wasn't enough. IMO, it requires both a lot of luck and the right effort at the right time. Proximity matters a lot too if you live in a place with horrible commutes. I know several other fannish friend groups like mine around here, people I like who like me, but I'm not part of their pods because we live at least an hour apart and we just never get around to visiting.

A lot of the fandom best friends I know of, people who've been close for 10, 20, 30+ years, are people who meet offline too. They may live near each other, or they may see each other at cons. A lot of them also have private chats of some kind with just two or just a few, in a space that's safer and more intimate than a big fandom discord. I don't think you have to meet people offline to be besties, but many humans form friendships better face-to-face. (So even if that's not you, it may apply to people you want to be friends with.)

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The point of this self involved ramble is that I too, despite my friendliness, do not warm to overshare-y randos in discords that quickly.

I want fandom friends for life whom I'll still know when I'm old. That is what I'm here for.

But I've also had very close, long-term friends, and I understand that it takes work. I also understand that genuine intimacy is slow to develop. Barfing out your angst creates a false sense of intimacy very quickly, but it doesn't result in the same kind of bond as working up to it.

What matters most is some intangible cocktail of personality traits. You have to approach the world in compatible ways. Your senses of humor have to line up. Shared specific fandom interests matter a little. Overall fandom interest matters a ton to me personally. But a lot of it is "are we compatible humans?", and that's not something you can easily answer just from a couple of discord chats.

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I think some fans who try to make friends too quickly are interpreting other fans as standoffish not just because those fans aren't doing what they want but because of fundamental misunderstandings about what's possible.

Feelings aren't controllable.

You can engineer situations that make them more and less likely. (Doomscrolling-->more anxiety, taking a walk through nature-->more peace of mind, doing fun activities with people-->more positive emotions about those people, etc.) But what you're doing is planting a seed and watering it. Some seeds are duds. Some were misidentified and grow into something you didn't expect. A seed is just potential. It's not a guarantee of a mature plant.

I fail at befriending people all the time. I too strike out.

Friendship is like romantic love: sometimes, there's nothing wrong with the person, but you're just not feeling it. Sometimes, it hits you right away. Sometimes, it grows from knowing someone a long time. And some people can only feel it after knowing someone for a while.

Going into something thinking only about your needs is shooting yourself in the foot. You have to think about what makes humans tick. If it's love at first sight for both of you, great, but it won't usually be. That's not how most bffs happen.

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I think many people dream of some kind of fictionalized version of In The Soop where they're on a bucolic vacation with their eternal besties. And it is possible. But you've either got to put in a decade of work first or have your eternal friendship imposed on you by a talent agency and a bunch of reality tv editors.