myunhingedthoughtz

[myunhingedthoughtz]

Strangers to Friends:

When we first meet I’m intrigued.

You are like me: kind, empathetic, understanding, driven, and warm.

Conversation flows like a warm summer breeze. Warm, cool, a relief. We cut each other off simultaneously.

Not out of rudeness but out of excitement. We both have so much to say our words seem to be busting out at the seams and tumbling into each other’s.

You are like me: seeking a new connection and feel the excitement bubbling at the thought that you have found it within me.

Ever since that first day we keep bumping into each other. I feel as if the universe is giving me a sign so I take it.

Acquaintances to Friends:

We sit and watch the sunset. Spilling secrets that have been screaming in both of us to get out for the longest of time as the sky is a beautiful hue of red orange and pink.

You are like me: the oldest, family is complicated, and trying your best.

I find comfort and warmth in our similarities while also hoping you are too.

Friends:

My phone buzzes.

Your name pops up. I immediately answer.

You tell me that you need someone to talk to. I instantly drop everything to help you. My homework sits neglected on my desk as I rush over to your place.

You are like me: in need of comfort and companionship.

We talk about how hard and suffocating it feels to be us.

We talk about feeling helpless in everything we aim to fix.

We talk about the hardships but also talk about how glad we are to have each other to rely on during them.

It feels like a promise. A promise that we will always be there for each other.

You are like me: needy but self-sufficient, content but filled with angst, a flailing perfectionist who’s too entrapped in their flaws to see they are already everything they’re aiming to be.

A beautiful mess.

“Friends”:

Ever since that call my phone is filled with your texts.

One night I come over. I end up sleeping over but you assure me that we are still “friends”.

You are like me: ignoring and brushing over what happened last night.

I grow closer to you and consider you one of my closest ”friends”.

Friends (for real this time):

You call me and immediately know something’s wrong. I don’t understand how you could possibly tell, you are one of the first.

The simple understanding. The attention to detail. The attention to me. I feel understood. In that moment I decide I like feeling understood by you.

In that moment I hate that you know me so well. Later on it means more to me than you’ll ever know and it’ll be a memory I forever cherish.

You are just like me: always noticing others but too afraid to be noticed.

Friends?

There has been a shift in our dynamic and I scramble to find when it happened.

I push it off. We can be just friends right?

You are like me: too scared to admit the change for fear of ruin.

Friends?

I work up my courage.

We talk.

We agree to stop being friends. We agree to stop being anything.

You are like me: self sabotaging and unable to admit your faults.

You are not like me: unusually cruel and indifferent, a contradictory to who I thought u were.

I now see you for who you are.

Friends?

I am now stuck in this place of purgatory. One foot is stuck and the other is ready to leap out, yearning to be free.

One part of me is stuck in the memories, stuck into missing who you were.

The second part of me knows this is who you are and can no longer miss who you’ve been.

You are like me: too afraid to call it quits, too afraid to admit it will not be the same.

Our Unspoken Rules and Common Courtesy:

1. I pretend not to see you and you pretend not to see me.

Although I so desperately wished you would say hi.

2. No contact: I don’t text you and you don’t text me either.

3. I try my best to erase the memories and you let me.

Part of me may never forgive you for this.

You are like me: too scared to speak the unspeakable, too scared to fix it.

Friends to Strangers:

Memories of our lore, late night conversations till morning, embraces of warmth and comfort tend to rush through my head from time to time.

Despite me trying to forget.

You are no longer like me.

Friends to Strangers:

I’ll pretend to not know you adhering to rule number one.

I’ll pretend that I didn’t know you at all adhering to rule number three.

I’ll pretend that we were never friends and you’ll do the same.

I’ll pretend that I don’t sometimes cry when I see something that reminds me of you.

I’ll pretend that I don’t wish to hear you say my nickname again.

I’ll pretend that I don’t miss you and that you don’t miss me.

In this way you will forever be like me: too prideful to understand, too prideful to try.

Friends to Strangers:

I so desperately wish that time could reverse so that I wouldn’t have to mourn the distance that’s been placed between us.

So I wouldn’t have to mourn the process of becoming strangers after being friends.

So I wouldn’t have to forget everything I love about you just to get over all the hurt you’ve bestowed unto me.

Our inevitable fate is like you; unusually cruel and indifferent.

A bittersweet reminder I’ll learn to cherish someday.

The love I have for you will flow in the wind, reminding me of our first initial conversation. It’ll hang out there with nowhere to go.

Now we will forever remain.

Friends to strangers.

xx Hazel

[myunhingedthoughtz]

Abuse is an intricate and delicate thing. It is sweet and bitter, concise and confusing, peaceful and almost warlike; a beautiful dichotomy. When you are in the depth of abuse you often are unable to distinguish it. The abusive patterns feel normal and off putting all at the same time. As soon as you began to question it the abuser sooths your concerns with beautiful lies. Often leading you to forceful acceptance of the abuse because that’s been normal to you for so long.

Many peoples first response upon hearing about abuse is “Why didn’t you leave”. I would like to ask these people a few questions in response. How are you suppose to know when to leave? How are you suppose to know what warrants leaving? How do you know what’s abuse and what’s not?

Some people have had lifelong trauma and abuse inflicted onto them so they can no longer distinct healthy relationships. I happen to fall under that category of people. I’m the type of person that craves intimacy, yearns for it. As soon as I feel like i have it I will do anything to keep it. It feels as if it’ll slip through my fingers at anytime. I yearn to be understood by others. Unfortunately, I’ve had trouble distinguishing what is healthy and what is not. I am growing and becoming better at it but this is not a self help book. Or a growth and development story. This is my online journal where I can say the most unhinged things and no one will know it’s me. No one will probably even read this! Oh the joy. So now let’s dive in to a “hypothetical story”. Totally not about me.

Once there was a girl who has so much to give because she knew how it felt to never receive. She had always made sure people get comfortable and safe, then she met this person. He was everything she had wanted in a friend. She felt safe and warm in his presence. She had met someone who had finally understood her. This understanding was like no other, she felt like she had known himfor a life time. She was certain they would be lifelong friends. He finally made her feel how she always wanted to feel so she clung on. Despite the ovbious signs of toxic behavior she ignored it because she wanted to continue being understood by him. Being understood by someone felt so good and I didn’t want to let it go. Oops did I say I, I meant the girl. Now I hate to make it sound like the classic sob story of person hurts one person and one person never forgets it. I assure you it’s nothing like that. It’s different this time I swear!

He didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. This time it’s different! He is only able to talk about everything but his faults. It’s not his fault though I promise, he’s learning and growing you can keep holding on. Yes he’s made you cry more times than once and steps all over your boundaries but this time it’s different! Remember that initial safe feeling you had, keep chasing it, it’s still there right? He didn’t mean to make you question, he just misunderstood you. He’s still the person he first showed you. This time it’s different! He’s nothing like the first man who broke your boundaries by giving you unwanted touches. This time it’s different! He only said it was “just a hug” when you told him you were uncomfortable. This time it’s different! He’s not the man who followed you home. This time it’s different! Remember he’s the man who made you feel safe and then snatched it away when you didn’t give him what he wanted. Wait no that’s not how the story goes. Remember this time it’s different! Block that part out. He understands you. I’m still being understood, right?

This time it’s different! He’s nothing like the girl who forced you to have sex with her. This time it’s different! He’s your friend, he knows what’s best for you. He’s right, your boundaries aren’t important, you are overreacting. Just act normal. This time it’s different! Ignore the walking on eggshells feeling. This time it’s different? No this time it’s different! Please can this time be different?

Now do we get it? Do we understand? Every single time it’s different. Time after time after time. You want to believe it’s different you want it to be good. How many times will it take for you to finally leave? To finally realize this is not normal, that this is not different. Let me know when you figure it out because I’m tired of trying to.

xx Hazel