#most of my favorite creators end up being the ones who are either very offline or at least have very hard boundaries

[utilitycaster]

As a frequent "ugh, fanon," person it's not that I don't like non-canonical character designs or interpretations as a concept. I love unique and creative ideas about fictional characters that are informed by canon but diverge from it in interesting ways that build upon the original vision! I almost never see this in fanon.

[angels-heap]

Okay hello I feel like you are Wise and Know things... it’s kind of hard to explain but is it wrong to just... Enjoy Things? With all the HL pisscourse going around it’s making me nervous about liking things like TF2 and missing something critical and huge in the media I consume and being labelled as a bad person for doing that. ESPECIALLY for liking characters like GLaDOS or Wheatley from Portal. I want to just Enjoy Things but there’s guilt tied to not being critical about every single detail

Thanks for reaching out, friend, and I’m so sorry to hear the current nonsense has you feeling this way. I have a hunch you’re not alone, and although I don’t claim to have all the answers here, I hope hearing my thoughts on this helps alleviate some of that guilt. This got long and I’m not putting it under a cut because it’s important. 

The short answer to your question is no; it is not wrong to just enjoy things. You don’t have to constantly examine all your favorite media under a microscope and incessantly highlight or dwell on its faults to be a good person or a good consumer of media, and here are a few reasons why:

(CW for brief mentions of all the squicky/potentially triggering things that tend to come up in ship discourse conversations.)

1. It is virtually impossible to find a truly unproblematic piece of media.

And that’s okay! Media is both created and consumed by people, and people are notoriously imperfect and complex. Sometimes creators choose to explore dark or taboo themes that are always going to squick some people out, no matter how well (or poorly) they’re handled. Sometimes content creators are actually terrible people who deliberately try to perpetuate their messed-up ideas through media. Sometimes creators’ deeply internalized prejudices seep into a work in a way they may not even consciously realize. Sometimes consumers’ experiences or prejudices color the way they perceive a piece of media and may lead them to a very different interpretation than what the creators intended.

Point is, there are a lot of shades of gray here. We should always strive to do better as creators and consumers, but the goalposts for “perfection” are always moving.

There’s almost always going to be something about your favorite media—no matter how benign it is—that rubs some people the wrong way, or (perhaps unintentionally) perpetuates harmful stereotypes, or starts out okay but doesn’t age well down the line. Period. That’s an uncomfortable truth that we all have to sit with. But don’t despair, because…

2. It is still okay to engage with and enjoy media that you know is problematic. Even if it’s really problematic. For real. I promise. The media you consume does not determine your worth as a person. 

Since you specifically mentioned Valve games, I’ll start out by clarifying that (as of July 2020), Valve games and their fandoms are pretty benign overall. Perhaps in the future, more of the humor will start to age poorly, or Valve will make some extremely questionable design choices with their next game, or Gabe Newell will be outed as a prolific serial killer, or whatever, but for now, there’s really nothing about Valve games that should make the average person go, “holy shit, you’re into that?!” when you bring them up in polite company. (And anyone who insinuates otherwise re: Half Life shipping discourse is either very confused about the definition of certain words or is maliciously trying to stir up controversy.)

That said, everyone has a different threshold for what they do and don’t want to see in media, and those boundaries are totally valid! But it is absolutely possible to enjoy even notably problematic media (e.g., Game of Thrones, the new Star Wars sequels, old movies where the directors were huge assholes to the female cast members, etc.) without being a bad person or a bad social justice activist. Instead of rambling about that at length, I’m going to link you to this excellent blog post on the subject.

The big takeaway here is that you can love a piece of media while also acknowledging its faults. In fact, I’d argue that a key part of loving something is being able to think critically about it and trying to hold its creators to a higher standard whenever possible. However, that doesn’t mean you have to be constantly analyzing it or prefacing every single public acknowledgment of your love for it with an “I know this is problematic and I swear, I just like it for XYZ” disclaimer, because…

3. Tumblr’s black-and-white thinking about media consumption is not healthy, “normal,” or (usually) present to the same degree in other virtual or real-world spaces.

I think most of the people on Tumblr who seem to be on a constant (and ultimately futile; see point 1) quest to find the One True Unproblematic Media have good intentions. I really do. And I applaud them for actively trying to understand and un-learn their own biases while becoming critical consumers of media.

Unfortunately, for a bunch of complicated reasons I still don’t totally understand and won’t get into here, some online communities tend to take these things to such an extreme that, in their quest to create a safe and/or inclusive environment, they actually end up creating an even more hostile one. To reference the recent drama again, nowhere is that more apparent than with “pro-ship” vs. “anti-ship” discourse.

Basically, “pro-shippers” believe that fiction is entirely separate from reality and therefore, “problematic” content (up to and including p*dophilia, inc*st, noncon, etc.) has just as much of a right to exist as any other content; this makes some sense on a purely intellectual level, but in the real world, obviously things are much more complicated than that. “Anti-shippers,” on the other hand, claim to be specifically against the aforementioned Big Three Bad Things in theory, but in practice, they’re basically the fandom purity police; they strive to criticize and shut down any media or fandom activity that could be even remotely construed as problematic, because they seem to have a (perhaps well-intentioned but ultimately misguided) perception that discussing anything “bad” in fiction will glorify/condone/promote it in real life and that all creators of “bad” fiction are inherently malicious. Often, they’re willing to twist definitions and jump through some very strange hoops to justify why something is “bad.”

The truth lies somewhere between those two extremes; fiction absolutely can (and does) impact reality, but not in such a clear-cut cause-and-effect way. People can see or read about dark/complicated/problematic things without condoning or enjoying them in real life, and conversely, people can dislike even relatively benign things without having to have an extreme, profound reason for feeling that way. People can also enjoy “bad” media while being fully conscious of what’s wrong with it and taking steps to ensure that it doesn’t negatively influence them, or they may lack the knowledge/context to understand why something is “bad” at first and change how they engage (or don’t engage) as they learn. There’s a lot more nuance to this issue than Tumblr is willing to acknowledge, and as a result, a lot of innocent people who just want to enjoy things in peace get sucked into some truly absurd drama that can be really hard to deal with. And that sucks. A lot.

So, TL;DR: Almost all media is at least a little problematic, but that’s okay, because the media you like does not determine whether or not you’re a good person. (And especially if your primary interests are Valve games... you’re good, mate. Seriously.)

The fact that you’re even asking me this question shows me that you’re being a thoughtful, responsible consumer of media, and that’s all anyone can reasonably ask of you without being a gigantic hypocrite—because whether they’ll admit it or not, everybody who’s perpetuating this discourse both on and offline likes something “problematic.” It’s impossible not to, unless you live under a rock and consume exactly zero media. Take care, and try not to let the discourse get to you! Go forth and enjoy things! (As always, my inbox is open for follow-up questions.)

ETA: Here’s another excellent tumblr post on this topic! And another one! 

[fantranslatorbychoice]

Kakuriyo no Yadomeshi Volume 6 Intermission 2 - Akatsuki, and a Letter from Utsushiyo

T/N: Heck yeah it's time for the two spider siblings to shine lol we haven't heard from Suzuran for a while now, well, spoiler alert she has left Kakuriyo and hasn't appeared yet since Volume 1 ended, or in the anime when she chose to live on someone's grave. *cough, Shirou, cough* Well, I guess that’s just that. I hope you enjoy reading this short one.

Also if you like this translation, you can heart it, share the link, reblog, I just respectfully ask that DO NOT REPOST ELSEWHERE. This is my contribution to the scant English content of this fandom, and I worked really hard to finish this thing, it’s not like I just copy-pasted everything. I even had to build the kanji in Jisho one by one. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.You can rave about this, rant about this, but if possible please link back to this page. If you’re unsure how to do that, just copy the web address of this page. If you’re on a blogsite just insert the web address as a hyperlink as a link back to here. Honestly if this light novel was officially-published in English, I wouldn’t even be doing this right now... And if it did, I’d take this offline to support the publishers and Yuuma-sensei. Creators support creators, is what I believe in. As previously-mentioned in earlier chapters, if you stumbled upon this one, the two seasons of the anime covered volumes 1-5, so other than the extra details, you didn’t miss much stuff.

OK Here we go-- P148 "Thank you for coming to Tenjin-ya, we look forward to seeing you again." I am an earth spider, a Tsuchigumo named Akatsuki. I am Tenjin-ya's head receptionist. The waitresses and the Gesokuban** has sent off the final guest for today with a smile, and my work as the head receptionist has ended. The moment that the last guest gets sent off, I always breathe a sigh of relief. The front desk's work ended before evening, and the day before the entire inn is closed on a break, we all soak in the feeling of liberation. The young Ogre bellboys were shouting "It's rest day! It's rest day!" and were running around the front desk. The Bake-Tanuki Gesokuban Chiaki-san gathered the ogre bellboys together and assembled in the lobby, and called them one by one in sequential order. Many of the ogre children were orphans, and not only does Tenjin-ya go beyond in providing them work, but also the day before the inn closes for a break, apart from their salaries they also receive a bit of pocket money, and the very first in the line gets freed off from work. "Alright you lot, return to your dormitories like adults, so you won't cause any trouble during work." "OK-- Gesokubanchou**-sama!" As the ogre kids were lining up one by one, Chiaki-san encouraged them to return to their dormitories quietly. "If you run your pocket money gets forfeited. Oh, and greet the head receptionist too." T/N: Gesokuban= doornan, in charge of the guests' footwear. Sorta like bellboys too. Gesokubanchou=head of the doormen P149 "OK--. Goodbye, Bantou-sama!" "Ohhhh..." It's impossible for me to take care of those brats... It must be difficult to be in charge of the footwear. It's better to be a receptionist. "Whew, it's finally over. Ah, Akatsuki, after this, won't  you come with me to Gintengai to have some drinks?" After sending off the ogre children back to their dorms, Chiaki-san called up. He always has this soft smile and voice with a subservient attitude, but he is my sempai as he started a bit earlier than me in working for Tenjin-ya. Among the management staff he is the most recent to join, and considerably has a lot of assigned duties and tasks. "Oh, but tonight you're also going to Aoi-san's place to have dinner, don't you?" "No. Apparently today only the girls got together, they seemed to be having a weird meeting or something." "That's also what Kasuga said. She says that Aoi-san is very friendly to everyone in Tenjin-ya. Ah, Waka-danna sama, are you free tonight? If it's fine with you, would you like to go out and have a drink with me?" "Oh, that sounds nice, Chiaki." Chiaki-san also called up Waka-danna sama. It's weird that he's up for it. Chiaki-san, he seems to have an air of softness and limpness that I don't have, and sometimes I don't think he's appropriate for the reception desk. But the person in question is, among the management staff is said to be the number one outlier with having the position of Gesokubanchou, as he said previously that he likes his job. T/N: Bantou=head receptionist P150 "Ah, uhm... Akatsuki-sama, Chiaki-sama, Ginji-sama.." "Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" "If it's fine with you, would you want to go out and have fun with us?" There were three waitresses, they seem to choose at their own discretion when to talk to us. Lately, I have been invited to go out a lot. But for me, I want to get some rest on a rest day. "That sounds nice. But tomorrow I'm called to go back home to my parents' house. I hope you can invite me next time." Chiaki-san rubbed the back of his head, he seemed to be used to it by now and was resolute. Waka-danna sama seemed to be puzzled by the invitation, and flatly refused by saying "I too, have other scheduled appointments." I just decided and told them "That's a no-go" because it's too much of a hassle. "Oh, I see..." It's easy to understand that the waitresses got disappointed as their shoulders went down. "If that's so, then are you free the next time the inn closes for a break?" "Uhm...." The waitresses weren't discouraged. Why did Chiaki-san and Waka-danna sama looked at me over here? At most, you're always free and going out during resting days, it seems. Are you pranking the kouhai? "Hey, wait a minute you lot. Tomorrow the famous Kabuki lead actor named Yukinojou from Youto is coming to the Kabuki Troupe in Kimon**. T/N: Apparently this is what 鬼門 reads so I apologize if I wrote it as Onimon before, I was too much of a dumbass to correct everything oh well at least I learned it before finishing this volume lol P151 You're going out with those guys? You'll just keep screeching and screaming out." Suddenly, O-ryo appeared behind us. The waitresses seemed to lap up what O-ryo brought about, and went "Really?--" "You're kidding, is that true O-ryo?" "I have to check the bulletin board!" "Yukinojou-sama--!" Just a while ago they were disheartened and now they went off somewhere. The girls' high-pitched voices were ringing out, and they didn't even look back as they left us. "As expected of you, O-ryo san. You saved us." Waka-danna sama gratefully spoke to O-ryo, but she just raised an eyebrow and laughed at us. "You three, you were targetted by the waitresses. Among the management staff, you had the lowest difficulty levels. You got cornered, weren't you?" "Is that praise or is that disdain?" "Akatsuki, I saved you, you could at least thank me for it." O-ryo pointed her finger at me, and forced me to say thank you to her. She's surely shameless, an impatient and distasteful woman. P152 "O-ryo sama!" It's the Bake-Tanuki waitress, Kasuga has come and pulled the bottom of O-ryo's kimono. "Let's go now to Yugao. Aoi-chan's waiting." "OK, OK. Those group of single guys seem to be going out for drinks, but aren't we going to a glitzy girls' night-out? Awww, what a pity, you can't go with us--, you have no means to--" "O-ryo sama. They're also having that in secret. It's the same level as ours." As expected of Kasuga to point that out. She's merely a waitress, but her wit and cleverness is effective, and she is a hard-working Tanuki girl. I also unintentionally asked her to do errands and what not here and there. "Ah..." Kasuga turned her head towards us again, but stopped whatever she was about to say.. No, not really, but when she looked at us, it seemed that she looked at Chiaki-san who was beside us. Chiaki-san didn't seem to move a bit, but he just lazily smiled.

Inside Gintengai, the riverside were lined up with food carts, and it was the busiest corner. It was the place were middle-aged men gathered after work before returning home. The fowl grilling place had three open seats, and we each ordered our favorite liquor and had them heated and poured for us**. "Ahh, it's nice to have some barbecued fowl every now and then in these food carts." T/N: Yeah I know it's weird but sake or rice liquor is actually drunk either warmed up or at room temperature, I don't know why though, maybe to help the alcohol evaporate IDK because normally beers and wines are chilled then served, but hey, it is what it is lol. Also I just translated the fowl, or poultry from the generic term 鳥=tori because it can range from chicken to duck to turkey to exotic birds like guinea fowls and peahens. Like the offal hot pot, we can only guess what they were grilling here. I'd call duck and chicken lol P153 "Yeah, I agree. Waka-danna sama, whenever you're free you always go to Yugao, don't you? Every now and then let's get together, please?" "Yes, well, I'm here now, am I?" After seeing that the Waka-danna sama seems to be in good spirits, Chiaki-san requested to the Oyaji** "Ah, I'll have the chicken wings and scallion skewers. Everything plain salted." "I'll... Have the gizzards with scallions, plain salted, as well as some liver with dipping sauce, please." "I'll have the parson's nose** and some chicken meatloaf, with the skin. With dipping sauce." While the liquor bottles were being heated, we had a chat. The barbecued chicken that they were cooking soon gave off a delicious smell. "To be honest, it was a good thing that Waka-danna sama has returned to Tenjin-ya. During the time that Waka-danna sama was away, Tenjin-ya was in trouble. Akatsuki, somehow everyday acts like a little girlfriend running around saying 'We need you Waka-danna sama, please come hooome--'. That image has been burned inside my head." "What?" "Wait, Chiaki-san!" Well, the Waka-danna sama's usual workload isn't run of the mill, it's like it left a void. However suprised the Waka-danna sama looked, his blank face looked at mine. "Uhm.. That is..Somehow, the front desk's work is sustained by the Waka-danna sama, and I happened to experience that personally." T/N: Oyaji=usually the dude who owns the establishment, they normally cook and grill and stuff. Their waifus handle the cashiers. Also srsly these dudes know their fowl well, especially Akatsuki. I mean, chicken butt/parson's nose is full of that fatty cholesterol-filled goodness, as well as the skin wahhh now I want some of these too T__T P154 I was muttering my embarassing thoughts as my greasy sweat overflowed. That busy time has been pardoned already... speaking of, when the grilled skewers were done, I ate them hungrily. Ah, even the cartilage tastes good. "Akatsuki... It's unfortunate to have experienced those troubles, wasn't it?" "Ehrmm.. yeah." Waka-danna sama seemed to have gotten quiet, and I was so embarassed I couldn't say anything. I drank the sake bit by bit. "Well, anyways.. Waka-danna sama is awesome though. It's because while planning activities and managing Tenjin-ya, you were also said to be assigned to the internal affairs of Kimon. You were also looking after anything that troubles the Odanna-sama's fiancee. If it was me I couldn't handle it. I already find it hard just taking care of the ogre kids." While Chiaki-san was talking, the topic shifted to Aoi. "Ah, ahahaha. I wasn't looking after Aoi-san, I just let her do what she wanted, I think that's the right thing to do.. And because Aoi-san is a dependable person, it came to the extent that she helped me. Even now, with the souvenir products that Tenjin-ya asked Dr. Saraku to make, she's still doing her best to help with it, it seems... She's really awesome." Waka-danna seemed to have remembered something, and silently laughed, before ordering another bottle of sake. That guy, isn't he a bit harsh... P155 "I don't normally work with Aoi-san so I don't understand but, she's somewhat special, that granddaughter of Shirou's." "Yes, that is, Aoi-san is an amazing person. Aoi-san's cooking. Say Akatsuki. Somehow in the beginning Akatsuki was harsh with Aoi-san, but now you're part of the Yugao gang, aren't you?" "Eh? No, uhm...." "Oh, you're pausing with your words, you're hesitating. You weren't objecting that time, Akatsuki.." "..." Someday, when you make fun of me again, I'll be prepared. But, I need to think how can I deal with this now... When these guys bring up that topic again after a while, I'll change to make quick and sleek comebacks. "Certainly I go eat Aoi's cooking since it's a great way to end the working day, but compared to me, O-ryo goes there to a greater extent, doesn't she? To think that she tried killing Aoi before!" "Ah, ahaha. For sure, O-ryo san has now become less snappy and harsh... She goes to Yugao and pesters Aoi-san a lot. After that Kasuga-san also goes a lot to Yugao too." After that, instantly, it seems that Waka-danna sama remembered a lot of things about O-ryo and Kasuga. "Speaking of Kasuga-san, until now she still calls O-ryo as O-ryo sama? Even though she has already lost the position of Waka-Okami she still calls her as such." P156 "It's because Kasuga likes O-ryo. It's because ever since Kasuga started working in Tenjin-ya, she always bothered O-ryo san to look after her because she doesn't know anything." "Really, is that so? Isn't Kasuga-san and Chiaki relatives?" "Uhm, yes, yes we are..." Good, the topic has changed smoothly. Being tipsy, Waka-danna sama and Chiaki-san started talking about Kasuga and O-ryo. I was relieved, and added an order of thighs and chicken meatloaf from Oyaji. I really love meatloaf... "Oh, right, Chiaki-san, aren't you about to say something about that Kasuga?" When I asked him about it, Chiaki-san's face got all stiff for a moment. It was weird, for that person to have that face. But immediately after that, his usual sloppy face went back. "Ah, it's probably due to tomorrow's stuff." "Tomorrow?" "Tomorrow, we have to go back home. Also, it's something important." Oh, it's true, because they were going back home, he didn't lie to the girls when he was invited. But it's weird how he said it. Could it be that he doesn't want to go back home? P157 "Isn't Waka-danna sama going back to Orio-ya?" "What, why?" "But that's what going home means, right? When you don't have a village to go back to. Don't you have an older brother?" Waka-danna sama only waved his hands in front of him, with regards to Chiaki-san's unsophisticated question.

“No, no, that, uhm.. Right now it's a bother to go home. Right, Akatsuki?" "Why is the conversation swayed to me?" When it comes to a home, I have no such place. I have been born and raised in Utsushiyo, my only living relative is in there right now, my younger sister... "That much- How is my nose stupid?" In an instant, the drunk and wasted middle-aged Tengu nearby started making a racket, and he hit me with a hot sake bottle by mistake. "..." What the heck is this? As I was staring fixatedly, I got lost in time. While looking at the Tengu who got caught in the moment, my former boss Hatori-san, the current head receptionist of our rival inn, and previously when the Tengus became violent in the front desk I recalled the memories, and I got angry. I wanted to tear out all of the feathers of the middle-aged Tengu, but Waka-danna sama and Chiaki-san P158 pacified me "Woah, woah there, Akatsuki", and nevertheless I peacefully settled down. I went back to drinking in desperation. When the other sempai noticed it they just start talking. It’s mainly due to Hatori-san. A lot of things happened, and the night grew late.

"Tch, I drank too much. Waka-danna sama is too tough..." Upon returning to the males' dorms, while my drunk head was spinning around, I entered the men's baths. I splashed on water to wash off the liquor smell, then opened the sliding doors to my room and burst inside, and collapsed on the futon that I kept lying around. My room is at the top floor of the males' dorms. As the head receptionist I was given my own flat, and I wasn't roommates with anyone. Ah, the cool breeze feels great. I went and opened the veranda's door, and I looked at Kakuriyo's faintly darkened evening sky. "Hoo-hoo. It's the hoot of the underworld's night owl." "Hmm.. what?" From the veranda a single owl feather flew inside, and somehow plopped down, and I went inside the room again. "What is this.. A letter for me?" It was a momiji-patterned stationery. I haven't received a letter for a long time. P159 A red stamp was attached, this was exclusively used by the underworld's postal service that goes between Utsushiyo and Kakuriyo. The sender is... "Suzuran" In one breath, I got sobered up. This was my younger sister, Suzuran's letter. I stood up and pulled out a pair of scissors, and cut the seal.

"Akatsuki-niisan, it has been a long time. Are you busy everyday? I'm worried about niisan, don't work too hard and neglect taking care of your health. Are you eating nutritious food? Are you sleeping enough?"

What the, her opening was only about her worries. Don't worry Suzuran, about your brother. That detestable Shirou's granddaughter's food, I eat those everyday and get healthier. It's full of nutrients as well as delicious. I'm not miserable.

"Akatsuki-niisan may be blunt and crude, but he's really very sweet, are you on good terms with Aoi-san right now? Did I guess that right?" P160 "What the heck." That woman Suzuran. I don't understand why she's on good terms with Aoi, but for sure, she's saying nice things about her because they bonded during the time she stayed here. My sister by blood, she forsees just about everything.

"While I was taking care of Shirou-san's tombstone, I was also looking after the businesses of the people in Utsushiyo. When the Ayakashi living here come and wreck Shirou-san's tombstone, I grow into a larger body, you know? Everybody flees, when they see my Jorougumo** form."

"Oh, goodness, so that's it..." Even I was, when she powerfully threw me out of Tenjin-ya, her powers were quite strong...

"I love niisan, who works his best as a receptionist at Tenjin-ya. But please, don't be too excessive. Take some time to rest. Because niisan dislikes taking a break. You also dislike having fun with girls every now and then."

"Stop it. Leave me alone." T/N: So while Akatsuki is a spider demon- a tsuchigumo=土蜘蛛 that burrows underground like a tarantula, his sister Suzuran is an orb weaver spider demon, a jorougumo=女郎蜘蛛 that hangs on trees. No wonder Akatsuki's mini-form looks so pudgy and cute gwahahaha especially the cute skull on his abdomen. Try searching for that image, when Suzuran beat the crap out of him and he got weak AF wahahaha poor bean P161 "Suzuran always thinks of niisan during the dawn**. Please take care."

After reading the letter, I suddenly laughed at my younger sister's noisy wordings. The letter you sent had composure, as such, from where you are, you're also in good health. While protecting the tombstone of Shirou, whom you love. "..." Instantly, from the edges I saw a reddish ray of light, and as I opened the sliding screen, I looked at the early morning sky. Oh, I get it... The wonderful early morning sky. She said dawn, as it was my name. "Today... That's it. I'll write back Suzuran a very casual letter." Since she has left Kakuriyo, I'll write up everything that has happened in here since then. Also, while by tired body already had its rest, it's fine to do my best at work again. T/N: Akatsuki's name is literally "daybreak", not like them Orochimaru peeps lol

End of Intermission 2, Volume 6. Previous - Chapter 4. Next - Chapter 5

References:

Wonderful site for the youkai references

Other stuff I used to do this: Kodansha Kanji Learner’s Dictionary (you can buy here, I’m not sponsored btw). I was about to buy the older edition but then the newer one came out 2013 so I bought that instead. Worth buying since I was able to find nearly all of the words I needed just by stroke pattern alone.

Merriam-Webster's Japanese-English Dictionary (the red-covered 1996 version is apparently out of print right now). This is what I have been using for a very long time, I bought it when I was still a fetus (yes I am old so what lol), and after so many years, when compared to newer editions, I still prefer this one since its entirety is Japanese-English, the English to Japanese gloss are just 16 pages tops, so you get more Japanese words for your buck. But that’s just my opinion, maybe other people prefer the Jap-En x En-Jap IDEK.

Basic online dictionary, Jisho. Knowledge of verb conjugations  and other words are necessary since not all have entries.

If you can read Japanese, you can buy the whole set in Amazon Japan, they’re shipping worldwide now, I think.

[nacsygen]

here’s a fun fact i haven’t shared that’s been going on for a LONG time: at my work, for our logins, we have to change our alphanumeric passwords every quarter.  after my first password, which i wasn’t thinking about beforehand so just used an old reliable of mine, i thought “hmm, well, this will be easier to remember if i have a system.  hey...17 has thirteen members, and i know their age order, bc that’s how i learned their names to begin with.  i can start with one based on seungcheol and go down the line, and if i get all the way to chan, well, i’ll know i’ve been at this job too fucking long.”

welp.  i’m on minghao now.

however, with the way life is going, it’s looking like seungkwan’s gonna be my last Password Boy...bc YA BOI IS MOVING TO ATLANTA

probably. most likely.  by early summer.

it occurs to me that while i often share anecdotes of the past, i don’t make many posts about my current circumstances.  considering this is a new account, with far fewer followers and mostly mutuals, i think i’ll be making more blog-style posts here now.

for those who are newer or just haven’t seen me mention it, i’m currently a scribe, a transcriptionist/editor, working out of an almost call-center-like office in a florida college town.  thankfully, having also done call center tech support work, the difference is we just process recordings.  (dealing with tech support was so stressful, i got fucking scabies at 23 and missed a month of work, but that’s a story for another day). being a scribe is a phenomenally boring and isolating job, for the most part, and one i am very good at.  it’s a very safe job for me, in a lot of ways.  it sucks and i hate it, as one can find with basically all scribes throughout history, but it also takes a very particular set of skillsets, ones i happen to have, that make it easy as fuck.  there’s good and bad. i set my own hours, within reason. there’s very little management meddling as long as i don’t fuck up. i can easily be a bit late and never have anyone talk to me about it as long as i get my hours done.  however, it’s physically painful to sit and type for hours and hours, and psychically damaging, i’m sure, to spend hours a day wishing i was doing something else, to be paid a pittance (but it’s still above minimum wage so i guess i should be grateful?) as a skilled and experienced laborer to type all day about other people’s money, regularly including people who make as much in a month as i do in a year.  on the other hand, my gods are some of the oldest and coolest (my favorites are seshat and nabu), and at this point, after almost 4,000 hours of doing this, i’d have to actively work to get fired.  it’s safe.  there’s no opportunity for advancement, there’s no sense of my time meaning something in the grand scheme of things, there is no meaning at all.  i am grease in the wheels of capitalism.  it robs me of the energy and prime writing hours to use my hands to put down my own words, not someone else’s.  but it’s safe.

my apartment’s getting sold out from under me in a few months, and i was initially panicking, thinking about how i could find new roommates, where i could live that would be easily accessible to my work without a car, even looking up info about the apartment complex next door to it - which, between work, home, and publix, would limit most my external world to about a square mile.

then i was at work earlier this week and realized...why am i having so much anxiety about being able to keep a job i fucking hate?

change is terrifying to me.  it’s part of my coping mechanisms with my untreated adhd, i’ve come to realize (with the help of  friends who have diagnosed adult adhd and are like no, yeah, you absolutely have it).  i have to keep a very regimented rhythm of life just to function at all, which took me way too far into my 20s to even figure out.  i need to wake up around the same time every day, get dressed to leave at the same time every day, make sure my wallet is in the outside pocket of my bag, my key is in the front pocket, i’ve got my publix bag rolled up in my purse (and now that it’s winter a hat and gloves just in case), and my umbrella (also just in case), and my tablet that was a gift from my beau (loaded up with pages to read offline while waiting for and on the bus), and a paper book or two (in case for some reason i can’t read on the tablet), and a snack for mid-shift so my stomach won’t spend all day hating me.  all of this i verify both before i leave my room and before i close the locked front door behind me, especially the wallet and key.  

if this sounds dreadfully mundane, please understand, i had to learn to make this a regimented routine, every step of which i need to consciously account for even while half asleep, or else i will forget something.  more than once this compulsive checking to make sure i have my wallet and my key a second time before locking the door has saved my entire day.  all that before even leaving the house.  i had to learn this on my own to quiet the constant racing anxiety that put me in the ER a couple years ago with an inability to even keep down food because i had no idea how to be a functioning independent person.  and so much of that is mentally tied to this apartment, to this job, bc at 26 years old a couple years ago, after over a decade of battling depression and adhd and finally getting treatment for the first, at least, i was finally equipped to and also forced to become an independent human being in a capitalist society.  and it was terrifying.  but routine is safe, now.  i do the same thing every day during the week, at the same times of day, and sleep in a bit on weekends and do nothing.  time passes and passes.  i invent games and new routines for the day, meaningful boxes to tick, just to establish meaning back into my life.

i’m getting too far off track.  sorry, it’s the adhd.

the point is, change is terrifying.  but my beau - sorry for the awkward term, but “beau” and “sweetheart” fit us better than bf and gf, especially considering gender and long-distance stuff - told me as soon as i told him the news about the apartment that i could always come to live with him. i dismissed it as last resort at first.  like, we’ve known each other for almost 10 years, more couple-y than ever the last two, and he visits me when he can.  we’ve never lived in the same city, but in a sense, we both were there to watch each other grew up, despite that we first started talking as friends when i was probably 19 or 20 and he was 31.  now i’m 28 and he’s 40.  he’s inspirational to me, because for a long time, he was living the kind of life i am now - working bullshit jobs that don’t mean anything, working and living to survive, scrounging meaning and joy in independent scholarship and pop culture.  but somewhere in his mid-30s, he changed the whole direction of his life to throw himself into a career in film production.  it takes an extraordinary amount of self-motivation, courage, fearlessness, energy, time, EVERYTHING to live the kind of life he does, living the freelance life, going from shoot to shoot all across the southeast, constantly on the hussle.  but he has a career.  he’s doing something amazing that he’s good at and he loves, and bc he’s about the most likable guy alive, he has contacts everywhere, through all levels of the industry. and he’s just about the most capable person i know.

so when i had my realization, why am i so worried about keeping this job i hate, i realized swiftly on its heels that i was just terrified of change.  i wanted to keep things safe, even if it was a marginal existence - still, a safe one.  but change can also bring opportunity.  moving in with him wouldn’t just be an act of charity on his part, but helping the person he loves to make a meaningful change forward in life.  Atlanta is the capitol of the South.  i could get a job in publishing in atlanta.  i could get a job in the film industry in atlanta (fun fact: georgia is now the center of film production on the east coast.  he knows a ton of people that worked on stranger things!). i could write for a living in atlanta.  i could be a script doctor like Carrie Fisher, i could edit for a living for more than some finance office’s memoranda ephemera, i could have a life where i was able to create, and not just in my spare time and for fun.  i could live in atlanta, and not just survive. my beau, as mentioned, has contacts everywhere, and has already hooked me up with a couple writer-type-creators in the industry to mentor me.  i can do it.  i will do it.  even my mom said i’ll do better there than in the waypoint city i’m in now (and also helpfully reminded me she rents uhauls now as part of her own self-owned business).

tl;dr either in april or june, depending on what i can convince my current fairly indulgent landlord on, i’ll be moving to Atlanta and starting a whole new life.  my beau has a two-bedroom (thank god, bc if i’ve learned anything from long-term moved-in relationships is that i need my space, and he also agrees on that on his end) and his place is less than a mile away from a publix and also a main bus line and a MARTA station, so i could be easily independent as a non-driver (important not just from a relationship standpoint, but also bc realistically he’s only home about a week out of a month, cumulatively). also, he has a cat! a tabby boy named dalek! bc he’s a fucking nerd!

[admhawthorne]

Pulled Thoughts Regarding Supergirl’s Cast’s SDCC Behavior

I posted a little about this on Twitter this morning, and I’ve been talking both online and offline to a few friends about this throughout today, and I wanted to pull together everything I’ve been saying about this situation and how it applies to the big picture of media with regard to LGBTQ+ representation and fan treatment.

This is probably going to read more like an essay than my typical rants, but I’ve been in fandoms for a long time, and I’ve been blessed (if you can call it that) to see how things work from both the network’s side and the fandom’s side, so I’m going to throw in my two cents here.

But, just in case, the TL;DR for all of this is simple: Nothing will get better until everyone on all sides are educated on how things work and why things should and/or shouldn’t be said or done starting with networks teaching their actors and showrunners how to appropriately engage with their fandoms.

The SDCC interview heard around the internet is, as I’ve said before, a perfect example of why actors, showrunners, and those who represent shows/films need to be schooled on how to answer questions and requests appropriately.

Even if an actor doesn’t support a specific romantic pairing, knows that pairing will never happen, or isn’t personally supportive of the fan base who supports a specific pairing, I feel they have an obligation to maintain a certain amount of professionalism when asked or given the opportunity to speak on that subject.

They are there to do a job, and it is imperative they do it well, which means answering questions and interacting with the media and fans in such a way as to be attuned to people in general well enough to understand what will cause potential lashing out from segments of their fan base. They should all possess a basic understanding of what not to say or do.

It’s simple Corporate Representation 101.

Say whatever you want on your own time and your own dime. Campaign for a conservative party, protest to save the whales, or donate your time to fight for the rights of a traditional family. However, on the company’s dime, you should be diplomatic. It is entirely possible to disagree with something regarding the show and/or fan base’s desires for the show and still manage to discuss your job without coming across as insensitive and destructive.

I’ve seen this insensitivity and destruction happen time and again with actors, showrunners, and the like who truly hate a particular fan favorite pairing or they don’t like something the fan base has been very vocal they’d like to see happen, and the actors/showrunners/etc.’s reactions are very disappointing.

Their job is to support their show/film and to keep that show/film from incurring a bad reputation. Their job isn’t to lash out and act foolishly because they’re tired of the fan base.

If they don’t like their fans, they need to consider retirement. If they don’t like their character, then they can do what the rest of us who don’t like our jobs do. They can suck it up and wait until they can move on to a different project. It’s not difficult to sidestep undesirable questions during press junkets and conventions. All it takes is a little well practice pivoting to move the interview or conversation along to something else to keep things moving, and it’s equally not that difficult to refrain from saying things that will inevitably hurt a show/film’s reputation and/or credibility.

Conversely, it’s equally imperative that fans understand who has control of what.

Even if an actor, showrunner, or show writer supports a specific thing, it doesn’t mean they can do anything about that thing. Their influence is limited. Even showrunners have a box they must work within that is created by networks, sponsors, and production houses.

Most importantly, actors have no say at all. They have a script they are contractually obligated to film. That’s all. If they support a specific pairing or thing for the project they’re currently working on knowing that pairing or thing isn’t going to happen, then they have to go along with whatever is in the script anyway. There’s no choice there, just like you have to do what the boss says when he calls a last minute meeting ten minutes before work ends.

You do what you have to do to make your paycheck.

Therefore, lashing out at actors when something doesn’t happen on your show is not only foolish but destructive. A fandom’s biggest advocates are always the actors, but, if a fandom has a small group of very vocal people who consistently belittle, demean, and threaten those actors, it should come as no surprise that the actors will eventually become bitter and jaded about whatever section of the fandom those destructive fans are coming from.

It’s human nature to both generalize and to start to hate groups you perceive as abusive. That’s factual. Is it fair? No. Does it happen? All the time.

Actors are people doing a job. They don’t control how the network advertises their show. They don’t have any say in the narrative created by the PR teams. They rarely have a say in how their character is written unless they are lucky enough to have showrunners/writers who are willing to entertain the actors’ thoughts, but, in the end, actors are puppets to the script put together by writers/showrunners who, themselves, are writing said scripts based upon direction given by networks and production studios.

If fans want to change the narrative they see on the screen, then we must start with the networks and put our focus on where the money is. Namely, the sponsors.

You want change? Hurt their bottom line, and change will come. You want representation? Stop feeding money to shows and franchises that don’t give it to you, and, yes, that may mean putting actors you love out of work. Consider that they have a chance to find work in a project that has the representation you’re looking for.

Networks are there for a profit. They go where the money is, which is why they queerbait both in show advertisements and in the shows themselves. Queerbaiting is profitable. It has an immediate short-term effect of getting the curious to watch the show to see what is actually happening. They anticipate it will cause audiences to keep watching either because they can string the hopeful along or because the others watched to see what was happening and stayed because they liked the show.

Queerbaiting is never really about getting LGBTQ+ market share. It’s about getting the controversy coverage for free adverting so they can pull in the core demographic they really want.

In the long-term, it makes for effective marketing, and, once the LGBTQ+ community gets fed up and leaves, there’s very little impact on the show’s overall profits. When you use a marginalized group of people for the sake of sensationalizing a project to get ratings and those marginalized people leave but the others remain, the effect on the show is marginal.

When a minority leaves a show’s viewing audience, their voice leaving the crowd of support is a lot like a mosquito bite on an elephant’s behind. It’s noticeable, a little inconvenient in the moment, but quickly forgettable.

However, the point is that no one should forget the minorities. In fact, it is the majority’s moral obligation to remember the minority, who cannot always create a big enough voice on their own to be heard.

That’s why it is so very important that actors who are in shows/films that have fans who are asking them to help support their call for representation in those shows/films/franchises need to keep in the back of their mind the fact that, much too often in media, the minorities have been used as the butt of jokes, to show examples of how not to be, to be used as pawns, to be examples of undesirables, and, overall, to simply be the negative ‘other.’

People in marginalized groups develop sensitivity to being continuously labeled as ‘undesirable’ by a media that consistently represents the majority and actors who forget that ‘just a joke’ is sometimes the last straw when you’re always the butt end of ‘just a joke.’

Being invalidated by people you admire who live in the public eye can be soul crushing, and invalidation comes in a myriad of ways. Often, that invalidation comes in the form of an actor who has had enough of being berated on social media by a small but vocal group of abrasive and abuse fans who are belittling the actor over something the actor has no control over or interest in.

The actor is lashing out their frustrations, or the showrunner/writer is locking down on something they are creating and are done with demands being put upon them to change the direction of their artistic vision.

The problem with that is that, once something is out there, it’s open to people’s interpretation of that piece of art. That’s the beauty of creating something designed to be consumed by the public; people add their own personal life filters to the work and make it their own.

However, that means that the creators of that work have to accept the only narrative they can control is their own, and fans have to accept that their input, though appreciated, doesn’t have to be followed. Again, if the fans don’t like what they see, then it’s time to take a stand and move on to projects they do like, even if that means leaving beloved characters and actors behind.

Fans, actors, writers, showrunners, and producers are in the most emotionally abusive five-way relationship ever. Everyone wants something from everyone else, everyone thinks they know how to get what they want, and everyone is trying to manipulate the narrative and the situation to get what they want at the expense of leaving the others behind in the dust.

If we really want to make this better, we have to be better. Fans have to STOP making threats and harassing people. The media has to learn where the fine line actually is between acceptable and not. Fans have to put their money and interest into projects that support what they want to see, and fans have to be able to live with missing out on aspects of media they love because that media isn’t supporting the fans as the fans would like. Media has to learn when it’s time to grow, and fans have to learn who to focus their ire at.

It’s a two-way street, and, right now, we’re all playing a big game of chicken waiting to see who is going to turn away first. Will fans throw it in and accept what’s being fed to them, or will networks learn to change their programming lineups?

I’m not sure, honestly, which direction it will all go, but I do know this is a cycle that keeps repeating, and, to make it stop, we have to start with some basic education. I feel part of that basic education is teaching actors what not to say/do during press junkets and conventions and to teach them how to steer conversations gracefully away from topics that could end poorly for their shows/films and leave their fans hurt and upset.

The first step is to admit we have a problem and offer a starting solution. I’m doing both, but I wonder if anyone will follow suit?