#mosaicandme

[mosaicandme93-blog]

Introduction

Helpful Terms (DID/OSDD Systems):

Alter/Group Member/Identity/Part/Head mate/Insider- A person within a dissociated system. (The term "person" cannot be stressed enough. Alternate identities are people too!)

Blending - When two or more identities/members are able to perform or utilize each other's behaviors, skills, and abilities.

Co-Fronting or Co-Hosting - More than one identity/member out at the same time

Co-Consciousness (Co-Con) - More than one part is aware of what is happening to the identity/member that is fronting.

(Being Emily living plural, n.d.)

First, we would like to state that we are not an expert on Dissociative Identity Disorder or other dissociative disorders. We are currently in the process of understanding our system and how it functions. Initially we were reserved and unwilling to post on any social platform about our experiences, however, we have come to the conclusion that we would like to join the movement to end the stigma about mental illness, and more specifically, dissociative disorders. We have seen many people on YouTube, Tumblr, Facebook, and other places speaking up about their systems and we find this incredibly heartwarming and brave. We applaud all of the systems that have reached out to increase awareness, educate others, and help to decrease the stigma which is visibly portrayed to the public eye in social media, media, movies, and other overly dramatic expressions.

What we experience is similar to the criteria of Dissociation Identity Disorder. We have had some major switches and some missing time earlier in our 20′s, however more recently we do not knowingly have full in and out switches, meaning that we are somewhat aware of co-conscious states and do not wake up the next day in another location not knowing how we got there. I would like to note that we have had some recent occurrences of missing time, although it seems we have amnesia about missing time because we do not find out about what we do until later! We do have times where we have changed our life or relationships quickly and drastically and others (in the outside world) have stated that we seem to become another person in one day. So perhaps, we are showing signs of Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.), however, we do not have a clinical diagnosis. The reason we do not have a diagnosis at this time is that we have not found a therapist that specializes in this disorder in the local small community area in which we live. 

We are currently working on a graduate degree and will be working on obtaining a license in which we will be able to diagnose others  based upon the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder’s (DSM) criteria, symptoms, behaviors, etc. This will be working in the field of mental health. Although we will have the ability to do this for others, we do not fully support the DSM and encourage the client to maintain a focus of having a “disorder”. We do not believe in relying solely on the DSM Manual to assist a client.  It should be made aware to many that the revision of the DSM is funded by pharmaceutical companies and influenced by stakeholders that would like disorders to appear a certain way for financial revenue (Cosgrove, Krimsky, Vijayaraghavan & Schneider, 2006). It is interesting to think about how quickly and readily available prescriptions can be given to clients in order to quickly alleviate the symptoms of a mental health problem. There have been articles and research devoted to this topic if you would like to read about it for yourself. I have also written a paper on this which I may include in a future post. The idea of “Gender Dysphoria Disorder” existing in the current DSM V (American Psychiatric Association, 2013) irks me in the same way that Homosexuality was originally included in this manual as a disorder in pre-1973 (APA, 1968). Additionally, does the idea that DID is a “disorder” bother anyone else? It seems to me that this “disorder” actually helped us to survive, which doesn’t seem to be the definition of a disorder at all.

Image retrieved from: https://pixabay.com/illustrations/mental-health-feminism-transgender-3301766/

It is difficult to classify anyone with this disorder and understand them from looking at a page in the DSM. It can be just as difficult for a person with DID or OSDD to understand themselves in a clear light. Symptoms may portray themselves in a variety of ways from person to person. Frequency, intensity, onset, and duration of symptoms may be difficult to recognize with someone that suffers from severe memory problems and blocks of amnesia. These systems that have been developed on the basis of survival are unique to the individual and their life experiences. It may be helpful to think of DID/OSDD systems as being on a spectrum of low functioning to high functioning to everything in between. No two systems are alike just like no two people are exactly alike. I am my own person (people) and another system may be entirely different. If you have come here looking for similarities that is understandable, however trying to categorize or label yourself based upon one person’s system may prove fatal to reaching a clear understanding of what you are experiencing.  Know your own truth!

Currently, this system resides more in a “blended” state of consciousness or a co-conscious type of awareness. For those reading this that do not understand, I will touch more deeply on this in future posts. Our body is currently in our late 30′s physically and we have just now come to an awareness of our dissociation states in the last couple of years. We do not recognize our face or body much of the time and it is surreal to look at ourselves in the mirror. We have had many diagnoses in the past of Bipolar, Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Major Depression. It seemed that many of the times we went into therapy, we would receive a different diagnosis. We found this confusing and grew to distrust the process of diagnosing itself. 

There were significant times of confusion in which we switched and did not remember what had happened. We have had occurrences where people said we did things that we did not remember and were blamed in such a way that it was shocking to us. One particular instance was when we found out we went to court, which is on record, but we do not have any conscious recollection of this. This particular court hearing was not a basic traffic ticket but was for a more serious offense and this is something we would have remembered. However, we have absolutely no memory of going there, being there, or coming back from there. Another example is an angry letter that we composed and sent to our father’s old college buddy for no apparent reason. We did not know that we did this until we received an angry phone call from him out of the blue and it became apparent that this man we had not spoken to in years was extremely upset with us. We became completely confused at the entire scenario and decided he had lost his mind. These times were very strange and we decided it was just some random occurrences and did not think about them more until recently (more than a decade later). There have been a few recent events that were strange and probably more we have not yet discovered!  Our awareness of our dissociation states has been brought to acknowledgment by our significant other. We did not believe our partner(s) idea about us at first, however, now, as we analyze our past and current behaviors, we have come to realize that we are very strange indeed (even more strange than we thought, which it was initially established that we were very strange). We have suffered significant emotional and neglect type abuse in middle childhood, but we feel that there is more abuse that we do not remember at a very early age (prior to age 4). We are obviously not yet ready to know about this particular abuse or we would be aware. We are thankful that our system protects us. 

If someone were to ask me what it is like to experience this, I would explain that it is like Alice in Wonderland going down that hole and into various places over and over again. I would say that changing these states of mind so frequently can make you feel like you do not know which way is up or down, left or right. Reality can become very distorted and it can often be scary. I can also say that this type of weirdness comes with a side dish of self-denial that likes to show up over and over again. I literally will go a whole day trying to convince myself this is not real and I am making all of this up. It seems that more often than not when I try to do this I will have increased “deja vu” states, dissociation, and de-realization. It is difficult to come to the acceptance that this is happening when we are living in and out of awareness, yet we have been doing this for such a long time without even consciously realizing this! I am currently learning to adapt to these changes as I seem to be more conscious of the changes or “switches” than ever before. This makes it wonderful to know what’s going on, but also it makes it feel like I am in a surreal movie and watching events happening from a dreamy distance. I wish I could say that I am happier now that I am aware of these changes, but in reality I feel like I have moved into an alternate reality!  

Image retrieved from: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Alice%27s_Adventures_in_Wonderland

Currently, there are 7 members of our system that we are consciously aware of. We do feel that there are more, but it feels like they are hiding. You may wonder how we know such a thing. It would be similar to intuitively knowing that there were other people in another room of your house, but you didn’t know who they were just yet. It’s that strange feeling of someone else being in a place with you before you see them. We do not hear voices on a regular basis, but we have on a few occasions. We tend to “feel” the communication more than actually hearing it. It’s almost like a form of telepathy and is not audible to us. I can feel how different members feel when they decide to let me. When members communicate with me I feel what they are saying to me and understand. For example, today, I received a thought of a certain song that we liked a long time ago. Then I received a “feeling” message to play that song because a member hasn’t heard it in so long. That member remained co-conscious while I played the song. We have decided to refrain from pushing the members that are in hiding to show themselves as they will do this when they are ready. I can sense that they are very afraid and do not wish to come out.

I  am the host, however, I am not the original host. I do not have much memory of our childhood, teen years, young adulthood, or early 30′s. My name is Heather. I do not feel a very strong connection to this name. I also do not feel a very strong connection to any other name, which I find unusual, but it would make sense if I were to be a day to day task host. I feel I was created to perform the necessary daily experiences and go through the motions. We are not certain who the previous host or the original host was or if these members are still part of this system.

Blake was the first member to come out of the woodwork and try to communicate with me. He did not have a name first and stated that he didn't care if either way if he had a name. I explained that we needed something to call him so it is easier to communicate. He basically left it up to me, which I found strange but I gave him the first name I could think of. He has actually been co-conscious with me, the previous host, and others for many years. We assumed that we were just highly in touch with our masculine side many times during our day to day experiences. We recently noticed that Blake comes to the front during times of distress or times when no one seems to be in charge and we have to take control of situations around us and take care of the family. Due to the fact that we have had many experiences with being a single mom and dealing with past abuse by others, we have learned to take care of ourselves. Blake has been able to do this and we have been able to play “mommy” as well as “daddy” when necessary. Even though Blake has taken on a lot at times, this can prove to be overwhelming even for him. Blake is 18″ish” years old, he is heterosexual, but has clearly (and bluntly) stated that he is not interested in a relationship at this time, because of the number of emotional women he is dealing with in this system. He is basically burned out by the drama and does not prefer to partake in a relationship.  He tends to find the others in the system overly emotional and becomes irritated with the way these thoughts lead to confusion within the system. Blake is a protector and protects one of our little ones. He is also a protector of the children on the outside of our system in our outside family. Thinking back, I noticed how Blake will cause me to walk differently, speak differently, work out more, and do more “masculine” type things which included stepping on the toes of previous male partners to “get things done”. His taste in music is harsher and he prefers the no BS approach to everything. He gets upset when plans are not laid out and has an interest in the military and survival tactics. He is a drastic difference between myself, however, I find him enjoyable to speak with. He has a good sense of humor and he can be pretty laid back unless he is in a situation that requires him to be in “protection mode”. When he is not co-conscious or fronting he tends to remain quiet unless I reach out to communicate with him. Sometimes he will communicate, sometimes he prefers to be left alone. 

Image retrieved from: https://pixabay.com/illustrations/family-community-patchwork-76781/

Next, we have R, who actually does not want to use her full name online and I respect that. She does not wish to say what age she is. She would like to state that she is not all that bad, but has been pretty self-destructive in the past. From my (the host) perspective, we have had significant problems with relationships due to the behavior of R. More recently we have come to understand that she has been in a lot of pain all of these years and we have been working on self-love to help her. R identifies as bisexual. She is impulsive and quick to try any substance or anything risky. She actually has not been allowed to partake in these experiences for quite some time, which is frustrating for her, however, it seems like she has been open to healing. My opinion (although I am still getting to know everyone) is that she is much like an angry teenager. I have seen a recent change in her behavior and she does not push herself on the host like she used to. Her behavior does not come out with quick force in recent months like it did in the past. She seems to be less triggered by people being “too nice”. 

Next, there is C, whom we would like to keep from expressing her full name due to the fact that she is a little and she is protected by Blake. She is sweet and has been on the inside more often than not. She has fronted some times but it was very short and sweet. We do not wish to disclose any more information on her at this time. 

And then there is “Mo” which is short for Monica and she is a female who is about 12 years old. Mo is actually quite mature for her age and seems to be the most stable (besides Blake) out of the entire system. Mo has expressed that she knows of others in the system but she cannot say much more at this time. Mo has fronted in the past and she tends to isolate and work on projects for lengthy periods. She likes cartoons and funny shows.There was a time when we thought we were anti-social hermits that loved to learn, but realized recently that this was Mo taking over for several years. She actually took over for 3 years after our outside mother passed away and we were involved in an abusive relationship. During this time Mo fronted during the day and R was there mostly up at night doing self-destructive things. These two were like night and day (no pun intended :/ ). 

There are 3 more members that we have identified but we are unable to express more information about them at this time. Perhaps, over time these members will create their own posts. We would like to come up with a system to create posts so readers can understand who is speaking. This will happen over time. 

We are excited to be able to post in a way that will help others understand DID/OSDD “systems” or at bare minimum assist other systems by helping others relate. We know that this living experience can be a very lonely experience for many and we would like to reach out to help others not feel so alone. There are many people who are exposing themselves to the public eye in order to breakdown the stigma of DID/OSDD. We wanted to initially begin a YouTube channel, but we feel that this is not what we would be able to do just yet. Becoming vulnerable on camera does not suit our interest at this time. However, we find the process of writing this information enlightening and beautiful for the sake of bringing clarity to what may seem foreign to those who do not live with systems. It is very important for people to educate themselves about “disorders” and what they are before making a quick judgment or creating stereotypes about people. Everyone that has a mental illness is still a person! 

We feel that this is not a “disorder” but actually, a superpower that we have created in order to survive trauma. We find it fascinating that the brain could be so powerful and miraculous just to keep us protected! We hope to become part of the community of plurals in order to engage ourselves, decrease the stigma, implement our profound truths, and bring awareness to others. 

image retrieved from: https://www.discussingdissociation.com/2018/03/dissociative-identity-disorder-awareness-day-march-5/

References:

American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing; 2013.

APA (1968) Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (2nd Edition) (DSM-II). American Psychiatric Association Washington DC. 

Being Emily living plural; Glossary of did terminology. (n.d.). Retrieved April 24, 2019, from https://emilyandothers.wordpress.com/glossary-of-did-terminology/

Cosgrove, L., Krimsky, S., Vijayaraghavan, M., & Schneider, L. (2006). Financial Ties between DSM-IV Panel Members and the Pharmaceutical Industry. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics,75(3), 154-160. doi:10.1159/000091772