#more people are into fatness than mainstream media would have you believe 😉 trust me

[lylahammar]

TW Fatphobia, self worth issues

Hey so I have a question and it's cool if you don't want to answer because I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but how you find someone who's willing to date you while fat? I've been fat ever since I hit puberty and I've never found someone even willing to give me a chance, much less actually appreciate my body, despite being very extroverted and asking out lots of people I've been attracted to. Most of the time people legitimately looked horrified and weren't exactly nice with their rejections of me, while the nicest were very firm that they'd never give me a chance because of my body. I'm 23 and I know that that's super young in the scheme of things and that worth doesn't come from people being attracted to you, but the persistent rejection on the basis of my appearance has done a real number on me and my self worth at this point, especially knowing that I'm a trans guy and autistic on top of it which doesn't help people liking or appreciating me. I kind of doubt that anyone will tolerate my body, much less actually like it at this point, so I was wondering if you had any advice because I really like your fat positivity stuff and you seem to be in a very happy relationship. Thanks for any advice you might have!!

Hello!! This is a little bit of a tough question since there is never one perfect solution to social situations like this, but I'll try my best 😅

I think that a really good idea for fat people trying to date is to engage with fat positive communities. For example, my girlfriend found me through my TMA comics, and she was attracted to the way that I draw Martin (that is to say, fat as he should be). We later became friends, and then eventually started dating. In fandoms for media that has good fat representation, you're far more likely to find people who are into that.

THAT BEING SAID, I think this is important for a lot of people but especially fat folks: keep things platonic for a while to get to know the person and suss out whether you can trust them before romance comes up. In fact, I would say to not even focus on searching for romantic partners. Just look for like-minded people who you can be friends/feel safe with, and then eventually romantic feelings might develop. Chubby chasers can be totally fine and safe, there's nothing wrong with having a preference for fat bodies! But fetishism is unfortunately a problem for fat people. Don't let yourself be objectified, unless you're into that (which is totally okay, but REALLY do some introspection to decide whether you're actually into that rather than just tolerating it for the sake of staying in a relationship). You are worth more than someone's fetish. Just because it's harder for us to find partners doesn't mean you should settle for someone who doesn't treat you right.

If you want to go for dating apps or anything like that, be honest about your body. I know there's a temptation to only add headshots in your pictures if you're feeling insecure, but you're far more likely to get hurt that way if you end up matching with a fatphobe. Also, again, take it slow! The most important thing (in my opinion, I'm not an expert) is to make sure you can trust the person before jumping into a relationship.

Also, yes, 23 is super young. Try to resist the anxiety that makes you feel like dating is a rat race! There isn't a set age to find your people or settle down, even if society tries its best to push that on us. Focus on yourself first! Make friends, develop healthy habits (without worrying about weight loss, just being healthy at any weight), and get really into your interests. You'll find your people naturally over time, and romance comes with community. I know this is really annoying and generic advice, but it's just the truth :P The people who are attracted to you naturally gravitate to you when you show your authentic self to the world.