#moopainting

[artofmaquenda]

I’ve come to realize that part of the chronic loneliness I carry, the kind that always lingers in my body, stems from growing up with parents who weren’t mentally present. They were there physically, but their own traumas consumed them, especially my dad. My mom spent most of her energy trying to keep the mood light and positive while managing the household, and my dad often dissociated, among other things.

I remember sitting with him to watch movies, and he would completely zone out, like he was in a trance. Or I’d come home from school, ask him a question, and have to poke him repeatedly just to get a response. It frustrated me deeply, and as a child, I became grumpy and resentful, angry at his absence even though he was right there.

When I look back, I see how my first boyfriend mirrored so much of those same patterns. He couldn’t ease the deep loneliness inside me, either. He was severely traumatized, often dissociated, and unable to give me the (physical) intimacy I craved. And when we did connect physically, it was cold and devoid of emotion. I resented him for it and grew unfairly angry, but in hindsight, I think I was really angry at myself, for continuing the same cycles. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to end the relationship. The idea of being alone felt even worse.

Now, I notice that when my trauma patterns resurface, I still feel that same emptiness and longing. It’s a deep ache that makes me want to reach for quick fixes, whether it’s food, frustration, anger, or even clinging to friendships that aren’t good for me. The friendship part is especially hard because I’m deeply loyal and don’t want people to feel forgotten, the way I sometimes do. I don’t know the exact balance between being loyal and protecting myself, and I still struggle with it.

But I’ve learned to pause, to breathe, and to remind myself not to create more harm. Instead of trying to rescue myself from that empty feeling, I work on reaching out from a more balanced place, seeking connection, not escape.

Nowadays, I realize I’m not much better than my parents were in some ways. So many of us are distracted, dissociated, and absent in our day-to-day lives, whether it’s because of work, stress, or our phones. But this has made me believe, more than ever, that the most precious gift you can give, especially to a child or anyone you love, is your full attention and presence.