#moonboyandstarboy rants/motivation

[myohmystarlight]

I'm fine. (I'm past my fucking limit.)

[myohmystarlight]

'Why do you have to think about how old you are?'

Because I'm still trying to heal an 11 year old child trying to accept themself, still trying to survive day by day. I'm trying to heal that kid who was painfully awkward, I'm constantly stuck in the fear that kid felt. I'm still that scared kid, still that kid who has to fight to get up everyday. I'm that kid who shuts down when yelled at and holds grudges for things that seem insignificant. I have to think about what year I'm in and what day it is because sometimes I still feel like the whole world is against me just like it was all those years ago, beating down on an already crippled child. I'm still that twelve year old because I haven't healed from everything in my past and I'm working on it. I'm sorry I have to think about how old I am, the years are passing me as fast as they can while I heal so very slowly, it's like time knows how I feel about all this wasted time. I could be writing a book, painting beautiful things, making myself known but I'm stuck healing that broken child instead. Coaxing it out from the closet and hugging it when they're hurt.

I know I'm years older, more mature and a different person but I still freeze when someone makes fun of my stutter or pronunciation I hold grudges still because I never got apologies nor was I able to get back at them. I'm sorry I'm still 10 years old trying to silently get over my tattered mind and soul. So I hope you let me take a few moments to remember how much I've been through, how many failed attempts I've gotten through so I can remember how old I am.

[myohmystarlight]

Sometimes you have to breathe through the pain, turn the music up higher, and distract yourself with random useless stuff.

It's ok to sleep a bit longer in the morning, it's ok to forget that you shouldve showered today. It's ok if you lay in bed all day or didn't do any homework. As long as your heart beats. As long as you take another breath and continue living

Because even when you take a deep painful breath it lets you stay another day to see the snow. Let's you have another day to pick flowers and press them, let's you inhale fresh air with a no longer heavy chest. That breathe lets you read books in the sun, let's you make bad decisions, it will let you scream lyrics with emotion, eat ice cream in the winter, go meet up with friends or loved ones. It lets you create and bring love to others, that extra breath lets you discover new things and maybe you'll find something to hold on for, for just a bit longer.

So even if it's hard to take a deep breath, through the pain and heaviness, take another and another and one more if it helps, until it's easy to breathe again.