#monster fluffer

[domreader-headcannon-scenarios]

I was thinking, so before sebastian’s heat actually kicks in his bird side (since he’s a crow demon) will start to be more noticeable. Like when he’s doing his chores he’ll find like a shiny thing and take it to his room. So if you go into his room before his heat there are a lot of shiny things just sitting there.

Yess, ok honestly I think he’d make a lil nest in his room AND your room bc he wants two nest incase you have a large clutch this season (he completely forgets humans don’t lay eggs) and he sings to you on an almost daily basis.

Crows mate for life, making him extra protective of you when his mind is clouded in his pre-heat state.

Sebastian (preheat/inhuman behavior, slight implication of breeding)

-

You had a long day and wanted to sleep, but your bed was COVERED in blankets, pillows, feathers and…fur? You looked closer to see there were ‘fluffy’ clothes on your bed too. Your bed had none of these on it when you woke up this morning and there’s only one person who has access to your room!

“Sebastian!”

You shouted, intentionally sounding more upset than you actually were to get him to hurry to your side. Unsurprisingly he was standing beside you in a moment. “Yes Master? What’s wrong?” You gesture to the bed and Sebastian gives you a blank stare in response.

“Why is my bed covered in rubbish?” You huff out, walking over to your drawer, removing your necklace and rings, placing them ontop of the drawer, you weren’t gonna wear em to sleep. When you turned around, you saw Sebastian staring at the bed, looking a little offended by your remark.

“It’s not rubbish, it’s to soften the nest. It also helps retain heat so the eggs won’t get cold.” Sebastian says, turning back to you with a smile. You scowl back at him.

“Nest? Eggs??? What the hell are you talking about? Are you planning on getting chickens? Why would we keep them in my bed?” You shove the ‘rubbish’ off your bed and get onto it. “We are not turning my bed into an incubator!”

When you looked back to Sebastian, he’s glaring at the spot on the floor where you shoved his ‘nest’. He looks back to you with a crestfallen look. “They aren’t pets, they’d be our children…” You give him a confused look. You hear a low growl escape him when you start to pull apart the ‘nest’ on the floor. You feel an arm wrap around your waist and you’re pulled off of your own bed.

Before you can protest you’re placed in a chair and Sebastian is re organizing the nest, this time putting it on the edge of your bed. Sebastian turns to you, picking you backup and tucking you into your bed. You had enough room to sleep with the ‘nest’ in your bed, but it was less than comfortable.

Fuck it, you’ll sleep somewhere else tonight. Why not the couch? Haven’t slept there in a while, maybe it’s comfier than you remember?

You got up, walking back to your drawer, not taking your eyes off Sebastian. You go to grab your necklace from the drawer, but you felt nothing when your hand landed on the drawer. You look away from Sebastian to see that the jewelry you had half hazardly left on your drawer was gone…

“Sebastian.” You glared at him. “Where is my jewelry?” Sebastian huffed as if he was annoyed. “What are you upset about? It’s my jewelry!” You hiss at him, turning to face him only to see he’s five feet from your face.

“Oh Master…I apologize I grabbed it when I walked in here.” He holds out his hand, delicately handing it to you. “It was just so tempting to take it, my bad.”

You grabbed it from him and paused, staring up at Sebastian. “What the actual hell is wrong with you? You’ve never done this shit before but now you feel the need to act up?”

Sebastian gave you an innocent smile, lowering his head a bit. “But where will we keep our eggs if we don’t keep them here? We can protect them better here.” He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you towards the bed.

You hiss at him. “I don’t know what you are talking about! Eggs go in the fridge, we,” You gesture between the two of you. “Don’t, and won’t have any eggs, understand?”

He looks surprised by your response and grumbles out something before speaking to you again. “But…it’s the best time to have them, besides-“ He pauses , shaking his head. “Oh that’s right, humans don’t go into heat, it’ll just be me…”

[monsterfluffer]

Monster Prompt #7

You discover that your long-time partner is harboring a monstrous secret.

How do you react?

[monsterfluffer]

I'm not sure I'll leave Tumblr.

but boost!

Reblog with your bluesky tag!

looking to find out who is over on bluesky now that twitter (x) is firmly in its death throes.

I'm tagging a bunch of monsterfucking tags because that's who I'm looking to follow :3

[shedarart]

A Monsterfluffer Bang

Rating: Explicit Author: Follows-the-bees Artist: Shedarart

My mom used to tell me that angels were watching over me.” Dean clears his throat and looks at the gargoyle statue that has become his friend over the past few months. “Maybe instead of angels we need gargoyles. With angelic names."

While on lunch at Dean's new part-time job, he is driven out of the museum breakroom by his incessantly annoying boss. He seeks solace on the roof of the building with only a few gargoyle statues for company, and is especially drawn to one named "Castiel."

Dean soon finds himself spending all of his breaks on the roof, talking to the statue. As time goes by, he even starts to view Castiel as a sort of confidant.

But everything changes during Dean’s first night shift.

[gainercrimsonartblog]

That being said... What would Gloria look like if she was a gainer? X3

Let’s just say that she wouldn’t be going anywhere. It’s a good thing that she has a large crew, which makes her getting so massive a lot easier.

[yanteetle]

TEEEEET OKAYOKAY SO I WAS THINKING....YAN DONNIE VS YAN LEO??? LIKE THE TEA BETWEEN THEM.....

Oh, you mean Yan Donnie and Yan Leo VS Y/n?? Now Let's talk about that <3 /hj

As much as I love the disaster twins fighting each other over y/n, I've seen enough of it that I've gotten a strange craving for them teaming up against y/n. They'd obviously bicker and fight each other still, but when it comes down to business, these twins don't play around <3

Imagine you slip up on an especially important rule (or try to escape) and they start looking at you like this while they decide on what punishment(s) to dish out..

Leo would not hesitate to add fuel to the fire, and it that can only mean that Y/n is absolutely fucked. I will not elaborate any further <3

Taglist: @dynaspamm @faetaiity @fried-milkfish @milks-thoughts @hearteyedracooon @crystallinecryogenics @monster-fluffer @syrinxmeadow @zxphy @mellytumbles @nekonekoastume @sockidox @temmerlover @ramblehour @redak-ted @unnamedindividual @lampylamperson

[abarbaricyalp]

Short little fluffer-nutter-nothingness-sandwich because the first few lines were so clear in my mind

Written for the @sambuckylibrary Anniversary Event!

"Hypothetically," Bucky says in the middle of the afternoon while Sam is half asleep against him on the couch.

"No," Sam answers without opening his eyes.

"Sam."

"No," Sam repeats more firmly.

"Sammy," Bucky whines, squirms beneath him. "Babydoll. Sweetheart. Love of my life. Sunshine of my world."

"Absolutely not," Sam decides. He sits up, using Bucky's chest as leverage so he has an excuse to touch him, and fixes an unamused stare on him.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say." He's back to fake pouting because that gives him an excuse to spring the puppy dog eyes on Sam.

"Your hypotheticals usually end in us jumping off a bridge into water to escape a bunch of guys dressed like bears."

"That was one time," Bucky objects. He's running his fingers over the back of Sam's head, even while Sam's sitting further back. It does its job of keeping Sam close. Every time his fingers dip to the back of Sam's neck, it sends a shiver through him. "Hypothetically," he continues, "if we left Torres in charge, we could take a honeymoon."

"Oh?" Sam says. "Suddenly Joaquin's qualified to be left alone?"

"He's always qualified to be left alone. Left alone is my favorite version of him."

Sam rolls his eyes. "You wanna leave all the fighting and protecting to Jay, so that we can go hang out on a beach somewhere?"

"Hypothetically," Bucky corrects.

"Four years after we got married," Sam confirms.

"Well, no time like the present. We're never gonna get closer to that date again."

Sam lays down against Bucky's chest again and closes his eyes. "Hypothetically, he'd be the only one we'd tell. No one else is gonna give us permission."

"Well, that's never stopped us before."

"Encouraged us, even," Sam points out.

"Exactly," Bucky agrees. "So let's do it. Let's disappear for a little while. Doesn't have to be a beach. Could go camping or something."

"We got enough camping the last time you 'hypothetically' wanted to hunt down that monster-alien lead."

"Again, not my fault," Bucky defends. "There was a monster-alien in the woods."

"It wasn't doing anything to anyone. You just wanted a picture."

Bucky's massaging Sam's neck now and Sam's falling even further asleep. The argument is about to peter into nothing and Bucky would think he's won.

"What if the world tries to end again?" Sam asks. "What if Captain America needs to save the day?"

"Well, Elijah can stop pretending like he isn't secretly training with all the other kids," Bucky suggests. "He can use that fancy shield Riri Williams definitely didn't make him."

Sam snorts softly. "Good kid. Dunno if he's ready for it yet."

"For the hypothetical end of the world while we're on a beach?"

"Yeah, that." Sam ducks his face under Bucky's jaw and takes a deep breath of his scent. It's the last nail in the coffin. He's got no hold left on his consciousness.

"It'll be fine, Sammy," Bucky promises softly. "Hypothetically."

"Hypothetically," Sam agrees. "Hypothetically, I'd say yes to that. Hypothetically."

[domreader-headcannon-scenarios]

I liked the Sebastian nest thing, could you write a version of Claude in heat? Since he's a spider it would be weird.

Aight!!

Spiders make silk ‘beds’ to hold their eggs (and mate over typically as it’s saferish than regular webs since only the ones who knit it know which webs are sticky/dangerous to step on)

Spiders (males) will bring fresh food to the female they want to court and might even give them a massage to discourage the female from eating them

(Another observed behavior is males going down on females repeatedly)

Claude (preheat behavior, monster/inhuman behavior, inappropriate amount of webs (arachnophobes beware ((I AM ONE-)))

-

You knew sometimes you wake up to weird things, but you weren’t expecting to wake to to see a layer of well woven webs covering the entirety of your room. It made your skin crawl at the thought of touching it. You got up, freezing upon realizing even your bedsheets were covered in something, though it appeared to be more silk like than web like.

You threw your bedsheets aside and stood up on your bed. “Claude! Hannah!” You shout, genuinely frustrated at this. Hannah was the first to show up, covering her face as soon as she saw the webs everywhere. You could hear a light laugh escape her. “I’d this funny to you?” You shake you head, staring her down.

“Oh, absolutely not. Here, I’ll help you get past them.” She carefully stepped over a few webs, stepping on what appeared to be thicker web, walking across it with ease. You hesitantly moved to step off the bed only to be picked up. “Sorry, but we can’t let you get stuck to the webs.” Hannah Carries you outside the room.

Your relived to be placed down, when you look back you notice the webs stop just at the doorway to your room. “Gross, get rid of the webs.” You huff out. Hannah places you down, letting you take a few steps ahead of her. “Please get me some clothes to change into as well-“

“We aren’t getting rid of the webs.”

You hear Claude hiss out. You glared at him. “And why is that? Why the hell do you think I’d let WEBS stay in my ROOOM??” You nearly shout at him. Hannah quickly steps aside, heading to get you a change of clothes.

Claude shook his head. “Are the webs hurting you? No. Leave them alone, besides, we need soft bedding for the eggs you’ll lay.” You give Claude a confused/disgusted face.

“I’m not going to lay eggs? What the hell are you talking about?” You slap his hip. “What is going on in your head to make you think I’m going to lay any eggs?”

Claude huffed. “We can deal with it later.” He walked to your side, wrapping an arm around you. He leaned down nuzzling the side of your face. “I’d rather not argue with you now.” He kisses the shell of your ear, sighing into your ear. “Let me get you something to eat, can’t have you hungry.”

He gently picks you up and carry’s you to the dining room, to your surprise, there’s a feast layed out before you. “Claude. It’s 9 A.M., why is there so much food I thought demons don’t eat-“

“Yes demons don’t eat food.” He interrupted. “But it’ll be hard for you to bear our young if you aren’t well fed.” You shake your head, lowering your head into your arms.

“Claude how sense are you? I’m not going to have kids!” He seemed taken aback by your domineer. You took a deep breath and faced away from him. “Do you think we are going to fuck here and now then have a kid by tomorrow? You know it takes nine months for humans to give birth right?”

He freezes at that. “You wouldn’t have one child, there’d be dozens, and besides, a demon human hybrid would take less time to incubate, I’ll help you with laying the eggs, don’t worry-“

“Claude do I need to slap you to make you listen to me? Humans don’t lay eggs, humans need nine months before birth for more than just the development of the child-why do you suddenly want a kid anyway???”

He shuffled in place. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I want a child with you?” He winked at you, a smile spreading across his face.

[monsterfluffer]

Monster Prompt #9

You capture a fearsome monster! You intend to sell it for profit, but your plans are derailed when you discover the creature is not as savage as it appears. As you spend more time together, you begin to develop feelings for each other.

Whats next?

[motherofdragonflies]

I was incredibley lucky to work with the amazing Ephemera for my werewolf!Cas/hunter!Dean fic and I could not be more thrilled with the art that they created. Thank you so much for claiming my fic, I had such a great time working with you and I love the wolf!Cas that you drew (despite my completely unrealistic descriptions of relative sizes 🤣)

[Monsterfluffer 2023] Bad Moon Rising

Link to fic | Author's AO3

❗ Please read the tags before scrolling down ❗

Tags: Bestiality, Dubious Consent, Alternative Universe - Supernatural Elements, Werewolf!Castiel, Hunter!Dean, Mating Cycle, Wolf/Human Sex, Rough Sex, Knotting, Happy Ending

My piece for Monsterfluffer this year! I am so lucky to be paired with @motherofdragonflies :D A spicy and fluff fic featured with a hunter and a wolf-werefolf!!

- Banner -

I had several sketches for the banner and all of them are Dean and wolf!Cas snuggling together haha Just cannot let go the idea of holding a big fluffy warm wolf :D My author chose this one and I love

- After -

hmmm 😏 You know what is under the censor mask :D

The wolf is sooo challenging (never really drew any animal before 😭) and it is even more challenging to make them *connected* :D but with some handwavy change of anatomy I kind of made it work.... 😏

(hide behind the keep reading line for possibly disturbing content)

- To my author and mods -

I want to say thank you to my author bexgowen! I loved the fic at first sight in the claim and I love it the whole time 😭 So perfectly spicy and sweet :D If it's your thing please go read it!!! And thank my author for the 😋 fic and always being so supportive when I was struggling with the art pieces 💕

And thank mods for organizing this bang which gave me a chance to challenge myself with something I love so much!

[creepychippy]

T-worded Pokemon Ideas that popped into my Head while talking to @a-fluffer-nutter :

1: Kieran has a Hydrapple. Hydrapple has multiple Heads. Therefore, Hydrapple can dish out a ton of tickly Nuzzles towards Kieran (especially when it wants to reciprocate Affection towards Kieran after he pets it)- uwu

2: At one point in the Game, Drayton goes to retrieve a TM for the Player and comments how he hopes they won't mind the Dust on it. Now, which Pokemon can you encounter in the Polar Biome who likes to meticulously clean Things with its fluffy Tail? Plus, I can imagine that Drayton very likely got Dust all over himself while trying to retrieve said TM, so it wouldn't be too farfetched to think that he got surrounded by a Group of Minccinos when walking to other Places after his Battle with the Player- .w.

3: I can imagine that if Drayton was a Tickle Monster towards Kieran, he would use lazy Tickles to drive the latter crazy. Like, Drayton ever-so-gently drags and traces his Fingers across Kieran's Tummy but never fully presses them into it or quickly scribbles them (like Crispin would). So now, Kieran is stuck in a State of giggling his Head off and squirming around but never really full-on laughing (unless Drayton gets really mischievous and randomly press his Fingers into Kieran's Tummy to catch him off-guard)- uwu

[australet789]

I imagine that given the track record of the fandom and the amount of monster... fluffers, Lucifer in your latest post would be saying "Be not Horny" instead of "Be not Afraid"

im also a monsterfucker so like xD

[xdreamie]

Oh I remember what happened to monster fluffer since I used to follow them on tiktok. Basically they made a final tiktok saying that their content became too discourse and negative like on the timeline and that wasn't what they wanted their content for. So they left.

ohhh okay! i’ll post for any anons wondering ^

[gainercrimsonartblog]

What if Sally just said “Heck with it” and became a gainer? What would her preferred size be? :3c

Roughly about this size, if on land. Although this is a depiction of her in water, so she’d probably go for a lot bigger if she’s gaining while under water.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Okay okay. New pen... Also, I'm absolutely losing my mind over how many people are devastated by Fiona's demise. I thought my audible cry and curses were dramatic but then I saw all the asks about her and thought "Heeeey, there's more strange people that got emotionally attached to a fluffy pink pen named Fiona the Fluffer."

Anyhow, I feel like the bunny would be on brand, but it's so cute that I feel Lloyd would only be mildly annoyed by it. He'd make comments and act all annoyed but secretly love it.

The flower pen is simply too beautiful. She's gotta keep that out of his reach. I'm scared for it. I can't lose another one of my friends to Lloyd's unreasonable wrath.

The green monster one is PERFECT. Lloyd would lose his shit over it if she sat around taking notes with that, wiggling it around, pulling on the tendrils, softly stroking them over her lips and then giggling at the sensation, getting completely distracted and missing what's being said on the call. I can see his murderous expression.

And then there's the mustache pens. Fuck. These are a close second because while they aren't thaaaaat on brand for Bee, she would love them simply because she could mock Lloyd with them 😂 like, he'd storm over and break it when she taps the thing under her nose in thought and throws him a look. But jokes on him, she's got a whole bunch of them! So she just pulls out another one and keeps going. He'll get so mad his face is gonna go tomatoe red and his head will be ready to pop off his shoulders!

I'm glad you felt the pain. I didn't want to do this to Fiona.

Bunny is definitely on brand. I see her making it hop to distract herself and Lloyd is like wtf.

Flower pen just is asking for Lloyd to snap it like Fiona.

The green monster is hilarious. It kind looks like Lloyd when he's angry ahahhahahah. But so much sensation and distraction to be had.

The mustache pens would keep popping up all over. In his desk, with his coffee, in his house. Why is this happening. He goes to a meeting and the only available pen is a mustache pen and he hates it.

[kyratittyfish]

Follow the White Rabbit

Summary: After surviving the Suicide Mission, Joker discovers a new fluffy addition to Commander's Shepard crew. Notes: This piece was inspired by a challenge. The assignment was to write a hurt/comfort fic featuring a bunny, and using at least two of the following prompts, quotes or words: - Earth - It’s over - “Will you hold me? I feel fragile” - “Look at this mess! Why me? What did I do? I’m a nobody, I haven’t done anything, anything!” - BONUS: “Follow the White Rabbit” I ended up using Earth and It's over in the story, and Follow the White Rabbit as title. Hope you enjoy it! Read on: Ao3

Big dark brown eyes stared at Joker through thin, silvery metal bars. He squinted at the creature, who looked back at him and crinkled its pink nose. 

“Is that… a bunny? Really, Shepard?”

“Hmm?” Shepard hummed from her couch, taken by surprise by the sudden break in silence. She’d been hunched over her datapad for the better part of the last three hours, compiling report after report, putting numbers and data together, trying to make sense of what she’d seen beyond the Omega relay. Of what they’d all seen. 

“You have a bunny. In your cabin. On a spaceship,” Joker repeated. He tentatively tucked a finger through the bars of the cage. “It won’t bite my finger off, right?”

“Oh, I’d be careful if I were you.” Shepard’s voice was a soft hum in his ear, and this time he was the one to startle. How was the woman so sneaky? Granted, she was an infiltrator… but she’d just come out of a supposed suicide mission and her body carried all the bruises and aches to prove it. Hell, getting out of his chair and on his two feet had required him a good amount of grunts, hisses, and grinded teeth, and he had spent the whole fight sitting at the helm! “He’s got nasty, big, pointy teeth.”

He was almost sure Shepard was messing with him, but he pulled his hand away just in case. 

“So, what’s the little fluffer’s name?” Joker asked. Her mouth opened slightly as if about to give him an answer and a hint of white teeth flashed through her bruised lips. 

“I…” her voice faltered, and she tore her gaze away, looking down at her boots that laid abandoned on the floor in one corner of her cabin. “I don’t know.”

“You mean… you forgot?” He turned around to face her, the sudden movement sending jolts of pain through… well, through most of his sore body. He gingerly massaged his left shoulder, wincing as his fingers slid over a particularly tender spot on his collarbone. It was probably one of the few stress fractures EDI had warned him about. Painful, but nothing life-threatening, and definitely something that could wait until the more seriously injured members of the crew had been tended to. “Shit, Shepard, have you told Chakwas? Cause with how hard you hit your head when you jumped into the airlock, you probably got yourself a concuss…”

“No! No, I didn’t forget her name!” She interrupted him. “I never knew it in the first place.”

“Well, most pets don’t have a name before you adopt them. I didn’t have a name when my folks adopted me. Granted, I was like, two hours old, and they didn’t find me at a pet store, but still.”

He expected her to roll her eyes, but her eyes remained firmly planted on the bulkhead next to her extravagant aquarium. 

“I didn’t get her from a shop.”

“You… found her in a cloning tank? Used your Spectre superpower to turn The Illusive Ass into a bunny? Please tell me you didn’t steal her from an orphanage.”

She had to give him at least a giggle now, didn’t she?

When her eyes met his, her gaze was watery and distant.

“I got her on Horizon the day we… the day the Collectors abducted half the colony. I found her in an empty house, her owners had been taken, I saw those… monsters carrying them away in a pod. She had nobody left to take care of her, so I took her with me, promised her I’d keep her safe until I found her people and I brought them back home.”

She closed her eyes. A solitary tear rolled down the side of her nose, disappearing when it met the strip of white gauze covering the gash on her left cheek.  

Silence fell upon them, broken only by the soft hum of the Normandy’s drive core. It felt heavy like a lead curtain, wordlessly eloquent.

She’d held true to her promise in a way- she’d found the colonists. All of them, neatly lined up in their pods, alongside enough empty vessels to hold the entire population of Earth. Asleep, paralyzed, alive.

And then the unthinkable had happened. 

Helplessly, she had to watch them as they were turned into liquid horror, one by one, awake and screaming, banging their fists against the inside of their pods, begging her to save them. 

She’d kicked the pods, lunged at them, she’d even tried shooting the glass to at least give them a merciful death instead of that atrocious agony… But nothing had worked. 

They were already dead the moment the swarm found them. 

“I never gave her a name, cause she already has one. But now …” She took a deep breath and slowly shook her head, her shoulders sagging under the weight of her perceived guilt. “Now there’s no one left to say it.” 

Shit. 

He hung his head low and leaned against Shepard’s desk, letting the hard surface take some weight off his legs. The muscles in his right calf were cramping like crazy. He pinched the bridge of his nose, forcing his mind off the trembling ache.

“Shepard…”

She raised her hand, cutting him short before he could think of anything to say. He was glad she did – empty words and clichés disgusted him, and he was sure she despised them too.

“There’s nothing I could have done, I know that. It doesn’t make it any better.” She sighed, and he felt the tabletop bow under her weight as she perched on top of it. 

“Yeah. It sucks.”

Understatement of the year, Moreau, but what else could he say that she didn’t know already? They were both soldiers. The bittersweet aftertaste of the price of victory lingered at the back of their throats, and when they closed their eyes, the faces they saw were different, but their expressions of horror and blame were always the same. 

He could still hear Kelly’s pleading screams as a scion dragged her away, feel the powerlessness he’d felt as the gunfire covered her cries. 

He closed his eyes and swallowed bile-flavored spit and a mouthful of guilt. 

The crew is alive. Kelly is alive. We got them back.

He exhaled a long, shaky breath.

Still, it sucks.

“Yep,” she agreed. “It does.”

She scuttled closer until her hip grazed against his side. His muscles tensed for an instant, his instinctive defensiveness taking over until he consciously relaxed. 

Joker probably imagined the soft warmth that radiated from her body, permeating through the layers of their clothes, expanding over his skin to soothe the aches in his ribs and legs and heart, but it felt nice nonetheless. 

He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to keep that pleasant heat from fading away.

“But, hey,” Shepard’s soft voice broke the silence. “It’s over now.” Her smile was hesitant at first, but when he smirked too, it spread over her features, carving dimples over her cheeks and painting her skin a warm pink under the gauze and medigel plaster. 

“We did it,” he whispered incredulously. “Holy fucking shit, we did it.” 

Shepard stared deep into his eyes, icy blue shining bright against the purple tones of her bruised brow. 

“We made it,” she echoed him.

“We kicked the Collectors’ bug-like asses into the next plane of existence!” Joker’s voice raised by an octave, hilarity seeping into his tone until his words melted into a stream of hysterical giggles. 

She mirrored his chuckles, and soon they were both curled in half, hands pressed over their stomachs and tears rolling down their cheeks, unable to stop the fits of maniacal laughter.

Joker’s ribs and shoulder made sure to scream their complaints with every breath and cackle, but he didn’t care. Not when Shepard’s fingers found their way to his hand and gently curled around his palm. Not when her touch sent an adrenaline rush to his heart and brain, her thumb rubbing circles over his skin, caressing his knuckles, softly tickling the inside of his wrist. 

It wasn’t clear who moved first to close the distance between them, whose lips searched for the other’s mouth, whose giggles were the first to die, suffocated by the tenderness of a kiss a long time coming. 

It felt instinctual, and just so intrinsically right, for Joker to close his eyes and let her tongue dance around his. She tasted like cinnamon and stardust, inebriating like asari sweet wine, enchanting like a spell.

His free hand reached for her lower back, and he pushed down slightly to pull her even closer to himself. She readily obliged, and her fingers found their way under his hat and into the dishevelled mess of his hair. 

When she broke the kiss for air, he didn’t dare open his eyes. Would he see regret contorting her features if he did? Or even worse, pity?

Adrenaline’s one hell of a drug, makes you do the stupidest things. Like making out with the smart-ass cripple.

He cautiously half-raised one lid and let out a slow breath, feeling relief spread over his body as he spied her studying his face, with her chin tilted slightly to one side and a fond smile curling up the corners of her lips.

She cupped his face in one palm and nuzzled her thumb over his lower lip. Her touch was so delicate, it almost felt unreal. He held her gaze as he kissed her fingertip, then she moved on to his cheekbones and his brow, gently caressing his skin as her digits explored his features and her eyes – so soft, so tender – took him in. 

“Am I dreaming?” Joker asked when Shepard ran her fingers through his hair. She started from his temples and brushed her way to his nape. With every circle her fingertips drew on his scalp, pleasant chills ran down Joker’s neck and spine. “Did we die and go to heaven? There’s a surprising lack of asari dancers if we did.”

She chuckled and massaged the back of his head. 

“Nah, I’m pretty sure we made it back alive from the Omega 4 relay.”

He tilted his head back and purred when she moved her hand to scratch under his chin. As her fingers played with his beard, his whole body felt seconds away from melting into a shapeless puddle of love-struck pilot, a weightless feeling that reminded him of the hours he spent training in zero-g, back in flight school. 

The lack of a drill instructor screaming profanities in his earpiece made the experience orders of magnitude more pleasant, though. 

A soft snoring noise coming from the bunny’s cage cut Joker’s elated mind trip short. 

Shepard’s brows furrowed at his sudden change in facial expression. He held up a finger and silently grinned when her eyes widened and her lips curled into an awed smile. 

“So… somebody feels at home in your cabin,” Joker said, tilting his chin towards the rabbit’s enclosure. And I totally mean the rodent, not the helmsman about to puke butterflies right on your lap. “I guess it’s safe to say the bunny’s here to stay. The latest addition to Commander Shepard’s fabled zoo.”

“Hey!” She protested. Her smirk, however, betrayed her amusement so he shook his head, gave himself an aura of gravity, and continued his mock tirade.

“Honestly, you should advertise it. Hand out little posters and have people pay a few hundred credits to see your collection of sentient oddities. Maybe warn them about the high chance of dismemberment first.”

“Come on, the worst that happened onboard has been a busted lip when Horton had the bright idea to steal Jack’s breakfast.”

“At least this time it’s a bunny instead of a baby krogan using shotguns and head stomping to cope with his teenage angst.”

“Or a varren,” she interjected.

“See, now you’re just proving my point.”

He felt a swell of pride when she buried her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking with laughter.

“Well,” she said after a few moments, “I think it’s safe to say we got ourselves a bunny. We should give her a name, don’t you think?”

“Uh, sure.” He answered absent-mindedly, his mind still reliving every detail of their kiss. It took a moment for her words to fully register in his brain. “Wait… we?”

Shepard simply shrugged, a half-smile turning her cheeks red as she held his gaze. He squinted at her, then at the bunny, then his eyes widened as realization hit him. 

“Are you… offering co-parentship on the bunny, Shepard?”

“Well, I seem to remember you flew me to Horizon the day I brought her here. It’s only fair that you get parental rights,” she said, trying to sound casual. The pitch of her voice, ever so slightly higher than usual, betrayed her nervousness. “If you want to, of course.”

He suppressed a fit of giggles and the urge to pinch his arm. This all felt surreal… Commander Shepard kissing him and asking him to adopt a rabbit with her? No way. He’d had more realistic visions while coming out of anesthesia, and that included the time he fully believed he was the first pyjack to win a cooking competition. 

But… If there was a chance, a one-in-a-million possibility that this wasn’t just one of his wildest dreams, he wasn’t going to screw it up. So, he put on his best ‘how dare you’ face and played along to the fantasy.

“I’m not gonna be a deadbeat bunny-dad, Shepard. As long as she doesn’t bite.”

Her laughter as she reassured him that no, the yet-unnamed bunny would never chew his finger off, finally convinced him that he wasn’t dreaming. As vivid as his imagination was, his mind could never conceive a sound so sweet and musical.