#monkey's paw ass franchise

[a-shrieking-cloud-of-bats]

Hi! Saw your tags on the Oblivion post you reblogged from me and just wanted to ask you about your opinions regarding the elder scrolls games graphics in general, I find a lot of folks have very varying takes and it's really interesting to hear about them.

Personally I've found Oblivion really refreshing on the eyes after so much time with the muted tones of unmodded Skyrim, but I definitely understand that the lower resolution and clunkiness can be a huge turn off :o

Okay, so it's time for some clarification my part! What I don't like about Oblivion's graphics is the player models, mostly the heads. It's entirely possible I'm exaggerating but it feels like the skin textures are just flat, the heads are all basically just an oval shape or an oval shape With Cheekbones.

I don't really feel badly about much else in the graphics. The bloom is a little out of control, and I do think it's a Little bright (much like skyrim was a Little muted) but other then that I think it's perfectly serviceable. I'm not like super fond of it or anything, but it works.

In general I think the TES games have struggled with graphics and they're always a little wonky (with the exception of morrowind, and I'm not saying that as a morrowind fanboy, though I did like it quite a bit, and much more then I expected to), but the player models in oblivion, mostly the heads, just bother the hell out of me. I've called them "misshapen lumps of clay" in the past and I stand by that.

Oblivion was also my first TES and back when I was in school I had much more time and energy to muscle through things I wasn't entirely onboard with, and while, at the time, I felt oblivion was a little silly, as I've looked back on it I think a lot of the quest writing is very charming and fun, especially coming from DraugrFest 2011: Skyrim.

Not that I didn't enjoy killing those draugrs, I think the skyrim combat system is about as good as it's gotten.

it's a pity it's also got the worst skill and stat system if you ask me.

[animebw]

Short Reflection: Granbelm

When it comes to Granbelm, I feel like you fall into one of two camps: you either get it, or you don’t.

I realize that’s a pretty vague and unhelpful statement, so let me clarify. To some extent, your ability to enjoy any piece of media is determined by how well you connect with its specific wavelength. The subtle differences in cinematography, dialogue, visual aesthetic, themes and so on can make all the difference in the world in determining why, for example, I dislike the Haruhi franchise, yet I love a show that starts from pretty much the exact same premise, Chuunibyou. If you can latch onto a show’s overriding attitude, you’re going to enjoy it. If you can’t, you won’t. Simple enough on its surface right?

Well, I feel like that Granbelm supercharges that dichotomy to a far greater extent than I’ve seen in a while. Despite it being one of the least watched anime of Summer 2019, there’s a sizeable contingent of fans who absolutely adore it. On the MAL forums, on Anime News Network, scattered across the internet, there are plenty of people who love this mashup of dark magical girl tropes and mecha action with all their heart, praising the characters and the ideas explored and putting it right up there near the top of their lists for anime of the season. And on the other hand, you have the rest of the anime fandom, who lost interest in it, dropped off after a couple episodes, hated it from the get-go, couldn’t be bothered to care about it, or are still watching but not quite sure why. Something about the particulars of Granbelm’s storytelling leave very little middle ground for an audience to fill you either get it, or you don’t. If you get it, it’s a powerful, resonant piece of art that will stick with you long after it finishes airing. If you don’t get it, it’s a bizarre, disappointing, not really insulting, but overall uninteresting waste of time.

The story, an original script from the director and animation team behind Re:Zero, centers around the titular Granbelm, a Fate/Stay-Night-esque battle royale between young mages that occurs every full moon. These mages, all young girls, fight in stout, stocky mecha that channel their magical energy in powerful attacks, shield them from damage, do weird wobbly magic business and all that good stuff. Defeat doesn’t mean death, thankfully; it just means you’re knocked out of the running, and the competitors who last the night pick the battle right back up when the next full moon rises. The ultimate prize? A supposedly unlimited wish from an unseen entity that’s probably got a monkey’s paw or two up its ass, because this wasn’t enough like Fate already.

At any rate, into this ongoing tournament is thrust our protagonist: Mangetsu, a seemingly normal girl who gets air-dropped into the middle of a Granbelm match and quickly finds herself fighting alongside everyone else in her own mystical dwarf mecha. No one is quite sure what to make of her, least of all herself; if she’s able to compete, it means she’s descended from a mage’s bloodline, but nobody knows which one, and at any rate, her unwittingly joining up after the tournament is already under way it weird enough itself. But if she’s part of Granbelm, there’s nothing to be done; she can either drop out, or keep competing and fight to have her own wish realized. Mangestu, unsurprisingly, chooses to fight, and thus she begins her quest to beat out the rest of the colorful characters who are participating in this tournament, all while forging an initially uneasy alliance with a fellow competitor- Shingetsu- who’s decided to help her orient herself in this confusing new world. No points for guessing that things are darker than they initially appear, the Granbelm tournament itself might be a lie, and everyone’s got a closet full of skeletons ready to expose when it’s time for Maximum Drama(tm)

Honestly, though, for as much as I poke fun, Granbelm’s a lot better constructed than that description would lead you to believe. Calling it a mashup of Madoka and Fate wouldn’t be wrong, but it would also be a disservice to the many original ideas Granbelm comes up with. Even if you can guess the general trajectory of the story, the specifics of what’s actually going on will completely take you by surprise, with enough foreshadowing in the opening episodes for the eventual reveals to make sense. I know I was thrown for a loop when I realized that a couple things that were bugging me about Mangestu’s characterization turned out to be entirely intentional. There’s a damn smart narrative contraption at the core of this thing; no surprise, considering how good Re:Zero was at planting and payoff. And speaking of Re:Zero, another strength its director carries over here is sheer force of hype. The mecha battles are all riveting spectacles, rendered with kinetic cinematography, dizzying displays of power, and lush color palettes steeped in purple and blue. You feel the propulsion of these pieces of psychic armor zooming through the sky, aided by a killer sound design that makes them feel less like lumbering chunks of metal and more like Tron-esque digital programs. There’s so much confidence in every decision that it’s easy enough to get lost in the flow and jam out to the chaos.

So here’s the question I’m left with; If Granbelm is so good at crafting an engaging spectacle, with cool action and direction and interesting plot turns, then why did I- and so many other people- keep getting sucked out of it?

It’s here that we must turn our focus inward and talk about themes and meaning. This, I think, is where the heart of the divide lies between the people who love this show and those who don’t: do you get what it’s trying to say? Do you connect with how it tries to say it? Because from my perspective, Granbelm goes about exploring its themes in a very, very unclear and unfocused manner. Just take a look at the first episode if you want proof of this; it’s entirely dedicated to throwing Mangetsu right into the deep end of Granbelm and watching her experience it from the ground up. It’s certainly cool, but a nagging question I kept coming back to all throughout that episode was, “Why?” We’re given plenty of information about the players of Granbelm, the mechanics and lore, the cool shit we can expect from the battles, but we’re given no context into the emotional stakes involved. We learn nothing about why these girls are fighting, what’s at stake for losing, what deeper meaning is driving their stories, nothing. We’re given no reason to care about Mangestu until the end of the second episode, and even then it’s such a weak motivation- she wants to be useful to people- that it doesn’t feel worth the wait. Sure, you don’t need to dump the entirety of your show’s thesis on the audience right at the start, but at least some context is needed to help them get invested, right?

Unfortunately, I would find myself asking that question of “Why?” plenty of times throughout Granbelm. It takes a while for the scope of the story to really come into focus, and while the eventual reveals are, as I said, cool, it feels like the meaning behind them should’ve been driving the story forward from a lot earlier. Everything feels disconnected and unclear, like every conversation the characters have is meant to be the defining moral statement of an entirely different show. There’s some stuff about self-determination, there’s some stuff about humanity’s natural inclination to abuse power, and I think the ultimate point was something related to accepting the responsibility to evolve, but I feel like I’m scrambling around in the dark trying to piece together an incomplete puzzle. And it’s not a fun mystery where the pursuit of meaning is part of the point; the way Granbelm presents the ideas it explores, it feels like it’s trying to be clear about the point it’s making. But for me, at least, it really wasn’t.

Actually, now that I think about it, the real problem might stem from this: Granbelm is bad at connecting its planting to its payoff. Too many times over the course of this show, it would set up a conflict, and then eventually solve that conflict in a way that technically made sense, but also felt incredibly lacking. To use the most obvious example, Shingetsu’s biggest rival is Anna, a fellow witch who grew up as her close friend and adopted sister. They used to be incredibly close, but Anna eventually descended into jealousy and envy as Shingetsu’s talents far outstripped her own, to the point where she would do anything to take her down, even as Shingetsu desperately wants to mend their broken bond. It’s an understandable enough conflict on its surface, and without spoiling anything, the conclusion it reaches is probably the only conclusion it could have in a story of this nature. But actually watching the conflict play out getting to that point is so. Unbelievably. Not. Interesting. Anna as a character is far too arch, far too underwritten to care about. All she does is scream and make rage faces with increasingly unhinged fury, to the point where it’s impossible to buy into the supposed tragedy of her situation. She’s like a caricature of the jealous rival character, and at every point the story could’ve taken to let her indulge in some actual goddamn pathos, it instead instructs her voice actor to blow out yet another vocal chord and the animators to increase the dilation of her pupils. The way her arc resolves makes sense, but the character herself is so broken that it’s impossible to get invested in her.

And this isn’t the only time something of this nature occurs. There’s another character whose arc revolves around trying to save their sister from a curse, and the exact nature of how they get to the end of that arc feels just as half-baked and underwritten. There’s a lot of question I still have about the nature of the magic system, whether it was supposed to be good or bad or something in between. Occasionally, the show pulls a magic power out of its ass that feels like it’s supposed to be important and meaningful, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how it got there. Granbelm feels like a well-constructed show from the outside, but on the inside it’s just a mess. Not an annoying mess (okay, Anna’s shtick got insufferable at times), but a mess all the same, a plot that felt like it did actually know what it was doing, but for some reason couldn’t communicate that knowledge to me. I kept feeling like these was some missing piece I wasn’t getting, some aspect that I wasn’t picking up on that would make all the pieces fit together. But for the life of me, I couldn’t find that piece.

At least, that’s what I got out of it. Like I said, there are plenty of people who really like this show. So maybe that missing piece is still out there, and I just couldn’t find it for whatever reason. Maybe there’s some aspect of Granbelm that just speaks to some people with more clarity than others. All that considered, despite how down I’ve been on this show, I do recommend checking it out. It’s possible you’ll be one of the lucky few who’s able to figure out what it’s going for and thus find a new anime to add to your favorite’s list. And then maybe you can come back and explain it to me, because I’d really like to know what’s so potentially powerful about Granbelm that I just couldn’t figure out. For the moment, though, while I can’t call this show a disaster, I’m definitely frustrated that it never clicked together the way I wanted it to. And I give it a score of:

5/10

And the summer reviews continue! Next time, we check back into the wonderful world of Fate spinoffs to see if the latest one is any good. See you then!

[doubleca5t]

for people who haven't been tracking this, the official translation for chapter 321 of the BNHA dropped today and it includes this page:

this is Mineta, one of the franchises' many side characters, describing how he "fell for" the main character, Deku. Now while there has been some debate over if this translation is accurate, fan translators have dug into the original text and found that the verb he's using here in Japanese is almost always used to mean "fell in love with" so while this may not pan out in the long run, this appears to be Mineta coming out as either gay or bi.

to put into context how funny this is, BNHA has a massive shipping community (mostly centered around various combinations of the male leads) who have been begging for gay representation in the series for YEARS. There are people who have gone to Johnlock levels of trutherism for some of these ships like it's that insane.

But Mineta is NOT one of those characters that people like shipping with the other boys. In fact, Mineta is, by far, the most hated character in the whole series. Mineta is nearly universally regarded as being annoying, unfunny, and awful. His entire personality is that he's a lecherous pervert who will take every opportunity he can get to peep on or sexually harass the girls. People fucking DISPISE this guy. There are well populated tags on AO3 for him being either dead, absent from the story, or replaced by another character. Also he looks like this:

like I'm sorry but I cannot stop laughing at this it's such a monkey's paw ass turn of events like "oh what's that BNHA fandom, you want a canon gay character? here you go! [finger curls]"

holy shit this BNHA drama might be one of the funniest things to happen in the history of manga I am YELLING

[kalique]

alex suddenly having an africa shaped birthmark on his paw, which he inherited from his father, that wasn’t present in the first movie, is the dumbest ass shit in the entire franchise and i say that confidently. that’s because it’s not SUPPOSED to be dumb. when a bunch of monkeys are powering the plane by constantly lunging for bananas held over their heads by a string, that’s acceptable bc that’s MEANT to be stupid

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Well, Sh*t, Diana

I’m not a fan of the DCEU. I think they make capeflicks the wrong way. Sure, i absolutely understand there is artistic merit in he creation process and i do love a different interpretation of a character but there are certain elements that absolutely have to hit in order to make your version of the character, true to the core character. Spider-Man is a geek, Iron Man is an arrogant asshole with a heart of gold, and cap is a roided out boy scout. Unless the character has some nebulous history, like Donna Troy or Captain Marvel, the blue print for creating the characters is right there. Someone needs to be in charge to make sure you follow the plan. someone needs to be the one to reel you in when you stray too far from what’s been established before you go from Batman to Rorschach I know it sounds like i don’t like DC but that’s not true. I love them. Not as much as Marvel but i still dig their stories. Mostly. Hell, The Dark Knight is one of my all-time favorite films. I’m not saying they need to be as good as that but at least give me recognizable version of the characters, especially when there are excellent adaptions like this out there for comparison. Just because you CALL your movie a Superman movie, doesn’t mean it IS a Superman movie, ya dig? With that in mind, here’s hat i thought of Wonder Woman 1984.

The Good

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman hits it out of the ark. This is the best I've ever seen her act in her short career. Look, i know she’s been doing it for a while now, but it's be honest; Wonder Woman is literally the strongest role she’s had to date. The emotional complexity of Diana Prince is easily the most nuanced character Gadot has ever played to this point and it took a while for her to really nail that as a reality. WW84 really demonstrates how Gadot has finally found a happy medium between her acting ability and the strengths of the character. I was a little sus when she was cast originally but immediately got on board when it turned out that she as the best thing about BvS. Since then, shes continued to grow with the character and seeing the ultimate version of her interpretation was a joy to watch.

Chris Pine as Steve Trevor was Chris Pine. Look, he’s great at his job. Dude knows his range and he stays in that lane perfectly. This makes his characters kind of same-t, you’d be hard-pressed to tell me the difference between Trevor and his version of Kirk, but I'm not mad either way. It’s always a delight seeing he show up to steal a few scenes then disappearing before overstaying his welcome.

I legitimately love the chemistry between Gadot and Pine. They are great together onscreen and it really lends a bit of authenticity to their relationship in the film. The way Trevor returns is wonky as f*ck and I'll get into that in a minute, but it was good to see him up there with Diana, for sure.

Pedro Pascal as this version of Maxwell Lord was pretty okay. I generally enjoy Pascal’s work, specifically on The Mandalorian and GoT, and he executes here to that inspired degree. He does an able job being a different kind of foil to Diana’s different kind of hero and it all works. Even if this version of the character does not.

Kristen Wiig’s Barbara Minerva was delightful. Look, i love Wiig, man. She’s great in everything she’s in. There is a charisma to her that only the very best SNL alumni can claim to have and it makes it really difficult not to root for Wiig in her projects. I mean, i paid money to see her version of Ghostbusters! Legit disappointed with that nonsense but i went because i like Wiig and she was the star. I was not disappointed in her performance as Minerva. No, she was exceptional as that character. I was, however, put off by her version of Cheetah but I'll get to that, too...

This movie is gorgeous. I’m an Eighties baby so seeing that whole aesthetic is always fun. Takes me back to when i was young. Part of the reason i love Stranger Things is because of that nostalgia. WW84 doesn’t execute as thoroughly as that show in their Reagan era retro run, but it’s serviceable. Big hair, big shoulders, big colors; It’s all there and it’s fantastic.

The effects are a little hit or miss but, overall, they’re okay. Certain aspects of this film’s super abilities, that fantastical sh*t which makes this a capeflick, could have been visualized better but i get why they weren’t. Most of my gripes with this type of stuff are nitpicks and you get over them pretty quickly. Most, not all.

Patty Jenkins is getting more and more comfortable behind the camera in films like this. The action in WW84 is much more detailed, much better shot, than in it’s predecessor. Free from Snyder’s grimdark influence, we have a relatively bright, relatively light, take on Wondy akin to the old camp from the Seventies show and i kind of dig it. It’ a choice and i commend Jenkins for making it.

The score is great. I mean, it’s Hans Zimmer, man. When does he ever drop the ball on sh*t like this? His score is actually incredibly important to this flick. There’s not a lot of action in it, thing is almost a character study or morality parable dressed up as a capeflick, so you need that extra impact to get you over the expository hump. Simmer delivers this with a delicate and powerful companion soundtrack. One could make the argument that this score is the best thing about Wonder Woman 84. I’m not, but one could.

The Monkey's Paw effect was executed pretty well in this flick. I was surprised by the level of escalation and how it all kind of made sense. I'd say that the writing was great because of that but it really isn't, just this one aspect.

That Lynda Carter cameo, tho.

The Bad

I hate this plot so much, man. The overall narrative is goddamn convoluted and a little inept. The primary conflict seems incredibly forced and the absolute hurdles this thing had to do in order to shoehorn Trevor back into the story is f*cking disappointing. It’s effectively Heaven Can Wait with Amazons, magic wishes, furry nudity, and Eighties excess. This sounds like a dope ass anime but it’s not. It’s a wonky, uneven, adequate time spent with contrived nonsense.

This is easily some of the weakest dialogue I've ever heard in my life. I cannot stress enough that I absolutely understand this is a capeflick so I'm not expecting Shakespeare but at least give me something better than this.

I hate this version of Maxwell Lord. Look, in the book, this dude was evil Batman. He bested the entire Justice league, every last one of them, with his sheer brilliance and terrifying capability. He achieved absolute victory over DC’s heroes prompting Diana to literally break his neck to rob him of his triumph. It’s wild to see. She actually thinks about it. Wonder Woman pauses, contemplates her options, and them murders Lord in cold blood, in front of Superman, and just walks away from dude’s corpse! It was brutal and understand. Maxwell Lord was a f*cking problem and he was only going to get worse. WW84′s version is not a problem and could have been much, much, better.

Full-blown Cheetah is gross looking. The effects for her wholly CG body are f*cking terrible, man. Obviously, they frame this “fight” at night to hide all of that but it’s still really, really, bad. I understand that there’s a budget that you have to hit but, f*ck, you couldn’t give me Rebirth version of Cheetah with two hundred million dollars? Word? I shouldn’t be surprised about this, all of the DCEU CG villains look like sh*t, but how hard is it to execute Cheetah properly? The Mortal Kombat guys did it for a game but you can’t do it for a movie? Really?

This feels like a throwback capeflick and i have a real issue with that. Of course, i like the old versions of superhero movies. Donner’s Superman and Burton’s Batman will always mean a great deal to me but we are beyond that now. We have a better understanding of how to do this now. It’s a legitimate film genre with prestige pieces and everything. Why the f*ck are we looking back instead of forward with this movie? I imagine the cartoonish nature of this movie was a conscious choice by Jenkins but it definitely feels like a miscalculation on her part.

There are a great many plot holes and loose threads left unexplored. Why didn't Barbara lose her powers when Maxwell lost his? That convoy really didn't see them f*cking kids in the road? How and why did she go full Cheetah for that matter? Why does Steve look like himself to Diana when he doesn't even look like himself to himself? How the f*ck did Barbara just walk into the whole ass White House like that? While on the the subject of Barbara, what the f*ck was the cost of her wish? Was the the Cheetah thing? None of that was very clear. Will Stagg get out of prison for the tax fraud thing in the beginning? I get that I shouldn't b e analyzing this movie to the extent that I am but it's so loose with its own internal logic, I can't help it.

Two and a half hours is a real big ask, man. This flick did not need this run time. You could easily trim thirty to forty minutes off this thing and still have a really compelling watch. As it is, there's too much time for the pacing to get dumb and, boy, does it get dumb.

The Verdict

Wonder Woman 1984 isn’t a Wondy flick. It’s a generic superhero vehicle that happens to have Diana slotted in the pole position. You could have put any character and their main love interest in these roles and it would have worked out fine with little to no tweaking. This sequel feels uninspired in a lot of ways. It’s completely devoid of the emotional weight that first run carried. I can’t say it’s terrible, though, because i know what else is in the catalog to this point. WW84 is still one of the best in the DCEU and that says way more about the franchise than it does this flick. It’s not all bad, however. I did enjoy Gadot as Wondy. She’s come a long way and you can see just how comfortable she is as Diana. Chris Pine is going to Chris Pine. His Steve Trevor is, once again, the best thing about this movie. Rather, his and Gadot’s chemistry is the best thing about this movie. The newcomers are pretty okay as well.

I always enjoy Pedro Pascal and this version of Maxwell Lord ain’t terrible but it is way too different from the core character for me to really get on board Just write a different character, you know? Nothing on the page about this version of Lord, come anywhere near the violent mastermind from the books and i think that’s a very real missed opportunity. I was a little sus of the Kristen Wiig casting for Barbara Minerva but she pulled it off. I really enjoyed her as Cheetah literally until she actually be Cheetah. i was curious why the marketing refused to show her in full-blown Cheetara mode and, when i saw it, i understood. They should have let those effects cook a little longer. That’s the theme of this entire flick, though, wen i think about it; Sh*t should have cooked a little longer.

WW84 is a decent watch, if a little long in the tooth. It;s mad campy, saccharine sweet at points, and is definitely a capeflick envisioned through the eyes of a woman. It’s not bad, mind you, it’s just not that good, either. Everything seems almost but not quite. The villains are almost compelling but not quite. Diana’s entire arc in this seems almost cathartic but not quite. The necessity of Steve Trevor seems justified but not quite. This thing just misses the mark and yet, somehow, it’s still one of the best in the DCEU catalog. hat sh*t just boggles my mind, man. If you know your Amazonian lore like i do, this film can be frustrating at time. If you’re a fan of the DCEU, you’ll probably enjoy this flick. If you’re a fan of this version of the Wondy myths, then 84 is definitely for you. There is enough other stuff here to entertain and distract so it’s an okay time overall. The first one is still the best out of the lot, though.

[flying-with-the-wind]

ON POTC 5 "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES" (Spoilers ahead!!!)

First of all, you should now I’ve always been very found of the POTC original trilogy, but On Starnger Tides was a huge disappointment for me and K just thought now they were making more movies to squeeze money out of Jack’s ass with a couple of cheesy cameos with Will and Elizabeth because OST was so wtf without them and who even are you Angelica. I honestly didn’t think that DMTNT would be able to revitalize the franchise with just the perfect amount of nostalgia and novelty it needed to come out of its OST fiasco. Now, let’s get down to business:

1. HECTOR FUCKING BARBOSSA HOW DARE YOU YOU FILTHY PIRATE! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SACRIFICING YOURSELF AN MAKING ALL FANS A CRYING MESS!? WHAT IS THIS KILLING THE SASSIEST CHARACTER THING IN MOVIES, A NEW BRAND? THERE WAS NO NEED TO GO HAN SOLO ON US BARBOSSA WHY WOULD YOU WHYYYYYY DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO MY FEELS!? IF THERE IS A NEXT MOVIE THE GANG BETTER GO ALL AT WORLD’S END AGAIN AND BRING YOUR ONE LEGGED ASS BACK FROM THE DEAD. OR TIA DALMA BETTER SHOW UP TO IMPOSE SOME ORDER IN HER MOTHERFUCKING SEA AND VOODOO THE SHIT OUT IF YOU AGAIN BECAUSE SERIOUSLY DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR DEATH DID!? IT WAS SO TRAUMATIZING EVEN JACK AND JACK MONKEY BONDED OVER IT! NO, MISTER. YOU MARRIED WILL AND ELIZABETH, NOW YOUR DAUGHTER IS GETTING TOGETHER WITH THEIR SON, THERE IS NO WAY IM GOING TO LET YOU WITNESS ALL THAT FROM RHE WORLD’S END! I DONE CARE IF IT MAKES YOUR SARCIFICE POINTLESS. YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE.

2. Jack Monkey’s tiny paw on his chest paying homage to his captain, BROKE ME. Also I noticed that during the homage they played a bit of the “He’s A Pirate” scene from Curse of the Black Pearl. “Pirate’s life, Hector, pirate’s life”.

3. Stupid puns. Men, I laughed like and idiot. THE ONE WITH THE ANKLES xD

4. I DID MY WAITING TEN YEARS OF IT WITH ON STRANGER TIDES IN THE MIDDLE! BUT FINALLY OOOOH FUCK ELIZABETH AND WILL ARE REUNITED AND ONE DAY PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW COMPLETE THAT MADE ME FEEL!? PRICELESS!

5. I feel like nobody had payed enough attention at how well Brenton Thwaites was cast as Will and Elizabeth’s son. HE genuinely looks like the offspring of those two xD Seriously, he looks a lot like Orlando and Keira.

6. I thought Carina would just sort of “be there” like Angelica was . I was wrong! She won her spot.

7. OUR BAD GUY WAS A CRUMBLING PILE OF ASH OBSESSED WITH BIRDS . HE HAD PET SHARK ZOMBIES AND VERY POLITE MANNERS. I LOVED HIM. Also, his ship looked like a bug.

All in all, if someone asks me what Dead Men Tell No Tales was for me, the answer is short, simple and chessy:

TREASURE.