#monday: school. maybe i can try to visit the funerarium with the bus if i have time but. i don't know. it's so scary. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

anaalnathrakhs · 6 months ago

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i know it's not like i'm the most affected by the situation, but i wish idk i wish that i didn't have to direct my whole behavior to be my mom's emotional support dog so she can feel she's a good project manager and at least someone understands her side and listens to her good advice. which admittedly my uncle is being particularly difficult in this whole situation, bc it's always complicated, but also christ maybe it was your mom but it was also my grandma. one day you tell me "what you two had was really special" and the next you don't even let me have a moment alone with her. like god. you saw her yesterday. you could've left me a minute with her or something. you could've refrained from putting your gross ass arm around my shoulders like why do you absolutely cannot resist ruining every important moment in my life? i want to be as helpful as possible for her in this very difficult time, but NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES. not even five minutes could she stand letting me handle how I want to grieve MY own grandmother.

#it just feels like i'll never have closure #like i'll never get to say goodbye #and i can't say anything because i'm not going to tell anyone how to greive their mother #and if she needs me there then i'll be there it's. whatever.#but god #tomorrow and sunday: weekend. have to spend it with my parents.#monday: school. maybe i can try to visit the funerarium with the bus if i have time but. i don't know. it's so scary.#i'll have to squeeze a visit between school and the time i need to be home and i just wish i didn't have this fucking dreadful perspective #and this equally dreadful memory #hanging over every second i could spend there #tuesday: burial. we'll see her before they close the casket but there'll be lots of people it's just. gross.#i mean i'll go but it's not the same #it's nothing like what it should've been #i feel awful #you can't even let me have one last good memory of her #a peaceful time instead of having to take a wild guess about what you need this second and managing your emotions #she expects a certain behavior from me and i don't even fucking know what it is #i mean yeah it means i should be like i was when i was six and my grandpa died #i should cry and scream and be a crisis situation to manage and cry about together #sorry i haven't molded myself to be exactly what you need #broadcasting my misery #vent

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