#mom also made a nasty dinner. so I’m hungry and only ate part of a bad meal but that’s my best option for food rn

[largetriangles]

Home posting again

[kinky-slutty-transman]

Here is what I have so far in my first smut fanfiction from once upon a time mother cora and daughter regina. Cora is also the queen of hearts and mean and vindictive and manipulative. Regina is also evil queen, but has changed her ways. Henry is Regina adopted son.

I'd love some feedback on it

I grabbed my romcom and settled in on the couch. It was quiet in the giant house. The only noise came from the grandfather clock in the hallway. It donged and chirped alerting to the half hour mark. I yawned and tried to focus my eyes on the page. It was late. Suddenly I heard the doorbell ring. Who was ringing at this hour of night? I really didn’t feel like getting up to get it so I just let it be. It kept on ringing and ringing. Could it be emma or Henry or both? They liked to keep ringing the doorbell till I came to the door just to annoy you as much as possible. I decided to get up and check.

    When I opened the door my mouth gaped. It wasn’t emma or henry, far from it. It was Cora. My mother. She smiled at me and her eyes flashed in the porch light. Her dark brown eyes that pulled you in. She was wearing a jumpsuit of some sort a dark green color and red lipstick. She had on leather gloves to match her jumpsuit and her hair was done in a fancy bun. 

    “Hello my daughter” She said. “Are we going to stand her all day?” She asked. She didn’t wait for a reply just walked in. She walked in and trotted over to the living room and sat down. I sat down on the couch.

    “What do you want?” I asked with suspision and aprehention. 

    “What I cant just pop in and visit my own daughter see how shes doing” She smiled at me. Cora always had an agenda.

    “You have any coffee or tea around here?” She asked. Cora didn’t wait for me to answer. Cora waved her hand in front of the coffee table and a whole tray appeared with coffee and tea, sugar and milk. 

    I had always despised when Cora used magic when I was younger. She knew that and never forgot it. She liked to show she was on top and in charge. I could feel the frustration starting to slowly burn in me. Yet there was a part of me that was happy to see her that actually missed her. I hadn’t seen her in years. I had told myself I would never see her again because I knew if I let her stay things wouldn’t end well and she would have her way with me. I guess I always wanted her love and approval and she knew it. 

    Cora poured herself a cup of coffee and sipped it slowly. She leaned back in her chair and smiled down at her cup. 

    “So Regina, tell me what have you been up to? Where is Henry?” She asked. 

    “Henry is somewhere, I wont say where I dont want you messing him up like you did me” the frustration started to win over my happiness. Memories of a childhood where Cora had played with my emotions and used me flooded in the front of my mind. 

    “Who says I messed you up darling. I was only loving you like a good mother should” I grinded my teeth at that. She loved me in a way mothers never should. Cora put down her coffee cup on the table and sat down next to me on the couch. She cupped my head in her hands and stroaked my hair. She looked into my eyes

    “I never meant to mess you up Regina and I’m sorry if I did. I just love you so much and I want whats best for you” She tilted her head slightly and kissed me. I fell into the kiss and opened my mouth to her toung. She inserted her toung and I sucked on it slightly. I missed my mothers love. I didn’t miss this but I missed my mother caring for me and being a mother. I shouldn’t have let her get to me. I tried to pull away but she pushed me down onto the couch and got on top. After a while she pulled her mouth off mine. 

    “Mommy….” I breathed heavily. Every time  I was with her I resorted back to that childlike state wanting her approval and loving so bad after all the times she was so mean and all the times she was emotionally distant. Her hand went in my pants and a finger ever so slightly grazed my clit but it was enough to send a shiver down my spine and a moan to escape my lips. Cora smirked. 

    “Did you miss me?” 

    “Yes mommy” I nodded. My hand went out and into her jumpsuit carressing her breasts. She pulled her top down and let out her breast. With my mouth I latched onto her nipple and started sucking. 

    “mmmm Thats it! That’s my good girl” Cora said. I smiled when she called me her good girl. She rarely if ever said that. Cora’s fingers went into my pussy and i gasped and moaned. she moved her fingers in and out rythmcally. My hips thrusted matching her rythm. Pretty soon I was getting close. 

    “I can feel it you are close. Tell me who you belong to?”

    “Yo...o...u..mommy….” I stammered inbetween labored breaths and moans. I could feel my whole body getting warmer sweat dripping. My whole body shook as I came hard against Cora’s fingers. My legs shaked and I moaned hard. As I came down from my orgasm, Cora kissed me. I felt drained and exhausted. I closed my eyes. 

    “Thats it baby just go to sleep mommys got you” I fell asleep in my mothers arms. 

            *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

I woke up slowy and streached my arms. I had a blianket around me and I was still laying on the couch. Across the room Cora sat wearing her hair down flowing past her shoulders and wearing a red bathrobe. She had her legs crossed revealing her long smooth legs.

    “Good morning” She said looking up from her cup of coffee and book she was reading. “You slept well” Cora winked at me. The light was shining brightly in through the window and it illuminated Coras face and her sharp features. Her high cheekbones and long nose yet rounded face with baby smooth skin. Magic will get you that. I sat up groggily. Was this really happening? No way Cora was here in my living room so casual. I couldn’t have let that happen. Then I remembered I did let it happen. I couldn’t resist my mother and her touch and her praises. I can’t do this again I can’t go on with this. It will just be like when I was young going down the same cycles: get hurt by my mother by my mean nasty mother, then soothed and loved and made to feel special then hurt again. 

    “Mother you must go and leave now. What happened last night shouldn’t have happened. I should have never let you play me” I said sternly. Yet Cora made no motion to leave. She stayed sitting contently and sipped her coffee. She laughed a little.

    “Oh contrair Regina my sweet daughter I did not play you I felt it last night and you did too. You enjoyed it.” She got up and walked over and sat next to me. Cora put a hand on my thigh. I felt a warmpth develop in my stomach and a tingling sensation in my nether regions as she slid her hand up farther to rest on my inner thigh. 

    “I know you’ve missed this so much. I know I have. I’ve changed. It’ll be different, nothing like when you were younger.” she grazed my pussy through my pants with her hand. I closed my eyes and shuttered. Cora pulled up her hand and grased her thumb on my lips. I opened my mouth and took the tip of her thumb in my mouth. She pulled the thumb out and slid it down my lip and chin. I opened my eyes and she smirked at me. Cora got up off the couch and upstairs to get dressed. I couldn’t believe Cora had made me feel like that. Had made me feel so good. I should be cutting her out and making sure she left. Nothing good came of this relationship. Maybe the words Cora said were true. Maybe she has changed and it will be nothing like when I was young. It was hard to believe though, but I wanted my mother, I always dreamed of having my mother be there for me, doing normal mom stuff with her. Maybe this was time to change that. 

    I was feeling hungry so I went into the kitchen and started making some pancakes and bacon. I could hear Cora come in and she hugged me from behind pressing into me. “You are really cooking that? You know you could just use magic”

    “Much more satisfying this way”

    “You could live much easier with it” She said. I had always hated magic ever since I was young. I associated it with everything bad that happened in the family. I pulled away from Cora and put the food on the plates. 

We sat down at the table and ate our breakfast. 

    “Mmm these are so good!” Cora said in between bites of pancake. “No wonder you don’t use magic to cook with” Hearing praise coming from her mother made me smile. Cora rarely ever praised me. 

    “Thank you mother” I said. During breakfast we had a lovely conversation. Cora asked about me, how I was doing and what I had been up to. I shared that I was still the mayor of this town storybrook but with a much fairer and just way. I had lifted the curse on the town and let people live freely. Cora was glad to hear about that. She asked about Henry but I dodged that question. I didn’t want her to put a hand on Henry, not till I was sure she had really changed. 

    After breakfast we had a lovely day and even went out for a stroll. On our walk we ate ice cream on the bench in the park overlooking the sea. It was so nice to sit there with Cora have pleasant conversations and just enjoy each others company. We stayed out almost all day, and then came home and had some of Granny’s Diner Food at home. 

    “This food is so good. Very homemade. Never could you get such good food with magic. Maybe you should teach me how to cook” Cora asking me to teach her something. That was a first. I said that I would be delighted to. After dinner we ended up watching some tv. I was still pretty tired so I turned in early.

    In my room I sat in my bed and thought. The day had been so nice, and it seemed like Cora was turning over a new leaf. Maybe she has changed like she said she has. Yet there was a part of my brain the nagging part that said don’t trust it its only been one day look what happened last night. Yes what had happened last night. It shouldn’t have happened. I should have fought back harder and resisted, demanded Cora go home then and there. Her touch, I hadn’t felt anyone touch me in years. I shouldn’t have felt the wetness I did when Cora touched me, touched my sex like she did. Sucking her breast feeling the hard nipple in my mouth, now I was just remembering what happened last night. I found that my hand was in my pants and I was softly rubbing my clit. I let my feelings of arousal take over for a moment as I closed my eyes and let out a soft moan.

“Mommy….” after that I heard a voice. It made me opened my eyes and my brain jolted back to the moment. There in the doorway was Cora. She was leaning against the door frame. 

    “What are you doing?” She asked. I hadn’t realised that I had spoken out loud.

    “Nnn.nn..nothing” I stammered.  I felt immediately guilty, and removed my hand at once from inside my pants. I felt like a little kid being caught by Cora again, and bracing myself for the punishment.. Cora walked over sat on the edge of the bed. 

    “You called Mommy. You think about me often?” She smirked and lifted my shirt up moving her hand down my stomach. It gave me a warm feeling all through my body and I felt my pussy aching. 

    “We musn’t mother please don’t do this” I put my hand on her wrist and tried to turn my body away from hers. She grabbed my arms and pinned them above my head. I was struggling not only because I didn’t want it but because I knew that’s what Cora liked. My need to be touched to be loved by my own mother again after all these years. I gave in to my need to submit, to please, and please my own mother and stopped fighting it. 

    “I liked it better when you call me mommy” She said in my ear and she bit on it softly. My body arched backwards I was starved for touch, for love, to feel needed. My mother pressed against me. I could feel a bulge in her pants. I took my hand and touched it. 

“Mommy is that?….”  I asked half knowing, half not wanting to know. 

“Yes it is darling.” She said. She had used magic to give herself a dick. She pulled down her pants and I could see it throbbing, bobbing up and down. A thick vein ran down the shaft. She had given herself a really nice one. Momentary terror flodded me as I remembered when she had last used one on me. It was on my 18th birthday back when she was queen of the magical land and we lived not in the real world but in the fairytale land. I had never taken one before, and mother wasn’t very gentil. 

It was my 18th birthday today. We had had a grand celebration in the castle, inviting everybody from far and wide. Of course Cora had to make herself the center of the attention, being the queen it wasn’t hard but she made sure I knew it, stealing the spotlight from me. I had sat back and watched, half bored. It was mostly a party for herself. When the party was over I was so relieved to go back to my room and be by myself. But Mother had other plans. I hoped she hadn’t figured out about the stable boy Daniel and I. She would be furious and likely kill me. She always said I belonged only to her, something that I hated. I stood there in the bedroom, in front of the chair where she sat. My hands started to sweat a little. 

“Yes mother, you called me?” I asked timidly. Cora was wearing a floor length elegant red dress and long white gloves that reached to her elbows. 

“Yes my daughter. I have something for you a present of sorts.” She smirked at that. She waved her hand and I was laying on the bed naked. I hated when she used magic like that. She stood up and slowly took off her dress making sure to caress every curve and part of her body. I wasn’t ready for the part of her body in between her legs. It was a very thick cock and balls. It was long and already hard. I was scared. I had never taken one before. 

“Yes I gave myself a cock. This is your present. It is your 18th birthday and soon you will have to find a husband, you are a princess, and need to be experienced. With having a husband you have to know how to please him. That’s all men really want if you please him right then you win his heart.” I gulped a little my throat dry.

“Please don’t! mother please! I’ll do anything please!” I begged. I knew that my begging and protesting was falling on deaf ears though. Mother always did what she wanted and got what she wanted. The next second she was right next to me, a hand on my neck. It felt painful but I could also feel myself getting a little wet. I tried to shrink my body inwards will myself to not feel this way. Her cock was now inches from my face the tip leaking precum. She let go of my neck. Now suck it baby take the tip in your mouth. She shoved the tip at my lips. I tried to keep them closed to turn my head but I couldn’t. My head was bound in place by magic and my mouth opened because of magic too. I took the tip in my mouth and sucked it swirling my toung around it. Cora moaned. I went further down on the cock. It was certainly bigger than Daniel but tasted so much better. I moved my mouth down further. Cora looked at me. She looked at me with knowing eyes. She shoved the whole thing down my throat. 

“You are good at this. Who have you been seeing behind my back? Answer me!” I gagged around her cock and she pulled off. I gasped for air, my lungs desperately sucking up all the air it could get. 

“I said answer me! I told you you belong to me and no one else! Who have you been seeing?!” I could see the fire behind her eyes. I didn’t want her to hurt Daniel. I couldn’t tell her who it was. Daniel was the only person I had been with besides mother. She smacked my breasts hard and twisted my hard nipples. 

“Tell me who it is, or” She took a finger and ever so slightly rubbed my clit. “You dont get any of mommy tonight” As much as I didn’t want mother to hurt me, and wanted mother my body betrayed me. I wanted so much to please mother to give her what she wanted. I let out a y gasp and arched my back. Cora laughed a little. 

“So desperate for me, are you” She said. I pressed her finger down harder on my clit. Cora drew back her hand. 

“Not so fast, tell me who it is first” I didn’t want to give up Daniel but my body needed this needed mothers love. This was the only time I ever got any loving from mother. 

“Daniel..” I said at last in a whisper. 

“The stable boy!” Cora said in disbelief. “He is beneath you you are a princess, don’t ruin the family like that.” She said. “Tell me what did you do with him? Just suck him” Cora took her cock and put the tip in me. “Did he do this to you?” She said thrusting it all the way in me. I screamed in pain as she entered me and broke my sex for the first time. 

“No he didn’t. I’m glad. I get to break you in, make you ready for a husband. A real royal not a pathetic stable boy.” She thrusted inside me. I groaned from the pain but it got mixed with pleasure. Cora rubbed my clit and my body betrayed me cumming hard against her cock. 

The next day I woke up and I was so sore. Mother said she had something to help. I went into the bathroom and I saw a bubble bath drawn. Mother came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist and nusled her head into my neck kissing it. That gave me shivers down my back. I turned my head to the side on reflex. A little moan escaped my lips. 

“I think a nice bubble bath will help sooth the aches.” The bath did seem really nice right about now. I pulled away from Cora. I shouldn’t be drawn back into her. Before I could take another step Cora used her magic and I was naked. I hated when Cora did that. She took my hand and lead me to the bath. I stepped in and sank in. All my muscles were relieved, and I could feel them relaxing. 

    “Ok mother let me take my bath now” I said hoping maybe she would actually leave. To my suprise she actually got up and started to leave. 

“Have a nice bath honey I’ll just be reading downstairs” And she kissed me and grased her finger around my tits and then left. Her touch lingered on me and as much as I hated to admit it I wanted more. Her teasing was getting to me. I tried to close my eyes and think about something else. To think about something other than Cora. Yet I was pulled into another memory. Memories of baths like this one that Cora would draw for me when it was my time of the month. I sank back into the memory of the first time, and the first time she ever touched me.

I had gotten done riding my new horse and put him away in the stable. I leasurly made my way inside taking my time to admire the scenery and the flowers. The birds chirrped in the trees and the flowers and grass swayed in the wind. It had felt so good to finally have a horse of my own. I took my time dreading going back to the castle. I’m sure mother would find something to punish me for like she always does. As I walked back into the castle I felt a wetness down there. It was a huge wetness, and my underwear were so wet. I ran into the bathroom and pulled down my pants. It was blood. I was shocked and scared. Why was I bleeding down there? Did I hit myself while riding the horse. I tried to wipe it away but that did no good. I decided to walk up and ask my mother. I walked along the castle hallways fast, making my way down to her bedroom. I opened it and there she was taking a nap. I knew I mustnt bother her but this was important. 

“Mother! Help! I’m bleeding!” I said as I stood there in the doorway. Cora shot up out of bed and rushed over to me. 

“You are bleeding? Where?!” She asked concern on her face. My face turned bright red. I didn’t want to say. I just stood there. 

“Where?” She started to pull up my sleeves to look at me. When I didn’t say anything she finally put together why I wasn’t saying. 

“You are bleeding down there aren’t you?” I just nodded. She hugged me and pulled me close. She then pulled away and put her hands around my shoulders. 

“Why?” I said timmidly. 

“You are becoming a woman now” She said. My stomach started to hurt badly. I guess I hadn’t noticed it till now. 

“My stomach hurts badly” I said. 

“It’s just cramps. It comes with it. They will go away eventually” Cora stood there thinking. Finally she said “I know what will make you feel better! How about a nice hot bath” She took my hand and led me into the bathroom. She drew the bath.

“You have to take off your clothes to get in th bath” She said. I didn’t want to take of my clothes in front of her. I was embarrassed. My face got red again.

“Not like I haven’t seen it before” Cora said and laughed a little. She helped me take off my clothes reluctant as I was. I could feel her hands lingering near my breasts, my very small just starting to grow breasts. Her hands then lingered down over my inner thigh as she slowly took off my pants and underwear. When I was completely undressed I got in the bath.  It felt so good, my aches and cramps felt much better. 

“That feels much better mother” I said. 

“Let me help wash you” She said. I started to protest saying I was grown enough to do it myself but stopped myself. There was no arguing with Cora, not unless you wanted to face her wrath. She took the soap and rubbed it up my arms and down my shoulders. She rubbed it down my neck and then on my chest. Her hands rubbed on my breasts. It felt good but wrong too.

“Mother what are you doing? That feels wrong” I said trying to move away. 

“It’s ok baby mommy just trying to wash you and help you. You are becoming such a good young woman” She stared me up and down. Her touch lingered further down and crept up my thighs. I could feel myself get wet down there but a different sort of wet I hadn’t felt before. My body shivered and I closed my eyes. I could feel her fingers slowly touch me down there. I froze. This cannot be happening. She is my own mother. 

“Mother! What are you doing? Please stop this is wrong!” I said.

“Shhh! Honey its ok this will help your cramps feel better and you are a woman now must feel the pleasures.” She stuck her finger in me and my body tensed up. 

“Oh you are already wet” She smirked at me. “You like this” She said. She kissed me and I opened my mouth and let her toung in. I moaned a little. No I couldn’t be liking this its wrong. 

“Its ok honey I love you and this is what women do with each other. Now that you are a woman we can do this with each other. I’m just your mother.” She soothed me. She had said I love you. I hadn’t heard that from her in a long time. Plus this was better than getting punished and feeling her wrath. I relaxed as she put another finger in stretching my tight pussy open. I moaned as she thrust back and forth with her fingers. My pussy felt so full. I could feel myself on edge bulding up. 

Cora got in the bath. She got in the bath and pushed me up so I was standing. She moved her head closer to my pussy. I could feel her breath on my pussy and I closed my eyes. She took my clit in her mouth and gently sucked. It sent me into over drive and my legs tensed up. I moaned leaning my head back. Her fingers worked inside me as she sucked my clit. I could feel myself get on edge and then I felt the feeling overwhelm me and my heart raced faster and faster. 

“Say it say how much you love mommys touch” 

“I love mommys touch OHHHH” I moaned. Cora stopped and pulled out her fingers and came up and kissed me. She stuck her fingers coated in my blood in her mouth and sucked them. 

“You taste so good mmm” She moaned. 

“That felt good but what just happened?” I asked. 

“That was an orgasm. It happens when your body has so much pleasure and feels so good.” She kissed me. 

“I liked it” I said. I also liked her being nice to me for a change. 

[thegloofchi]

My Story with BDD (Part 1)

For the past week, I've cried. I've cried hard. I've cried in private. My homegirls may think I am getting ready for a girls' day out but I'm crying in my closet. I've cried myself to sleep. I've thought of ways the world would be better without me so people wouldn't look at it. I suffer from body dysmorphia disorder and it's crippling my life. Crushing me to a point where I can't breathe. Suffering my spirit as I look in the mirror and my mind tells me "You're ugly", "You're fat", "You're not cute", "You really thought you were a pretty girl?". I'd like to tell my story on how I'm 23 suffering from severe BDD.

I was 7. At such a tender age, I cared about my Polly Pocket, Bratz dolls, Barbie, and shopping at Justice. I was a girl that loved things girls my age did. Sadly at 7, I started to become aware of my body so young and what it meant to be "fat". My mom would always call me fat. I remember in my childhood home, my parents' room was next to the bathroom shared by my grandma, my siblings, and myself. It all started when one day my mom passed by the bathroom as my grandma lotioned me from my bedtime shower and she made comments in our native language of Igbo about how pregnant I looked. That was the first time I associated big tummy = bad. Realistically, I could've eaten dinner and I was probably bloated. But being so young as a child, I internalized my mom's comments. See, my mom was never nice to me growing up. I was always useless, never good enough, never pretty enough. Didn't help I am tall too -- My mom made it a thing to point out how much of a freak of nature I was. I remember years of us shopping for clothes and shoes and I hated it. I don't think my mom has ever said anything nice about my appearance like calling me beautiful. My mom would blurt out for the whole fitting room to hear about how I needed to lose weight. When it came to shoes, being tall, my feet grew faster than my body. My mom would always say things about how ugly my feet were; comments that led me to go years without wearing sandals. At 7, I didn't know that the disgust I now felt about my body would lead me down a painful road that I still suffer 16 years later. I picked my body and face apart. It also hurt that I was a weird kid growing up too. Nothing wrong with that but you know, as a child, you want to be accepted so bad. You want friends. You want people to like you. You want love. Kids at my school were so cruel to me. I was only their friend when it was time for the answers to an assignment but they never really wanted to be my friend. I was called all sorts of names and made fun of for how I looked. I was dealing with two bullies: My mom and the kids at school. Who do I turn to? Who was I supposed to cry to? No one was at my defense. This also led me down a long path of not caring about my own feelings; I grew up not having a listening ear and a heart that cared. My BDD got worse in middle school. Such an awkward time of life, right? Your body is changing. You start to learn of social hierarchies: The cool kids, the pretty kids, the jocks, the class clowns, etc. Except I didn't fit anywhere really. I was just the girl that was freaking smart. And I'm proud of that! I love how intelligent I am. But no one knew I was comparing my face to everyone else. From how I dressed to how I looked facially. Prior to middle school, I'd like to say starting in the fifth grade, I was obsessed with Victoria's Secret models. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be a model. I remember how I'd put on my church heels and I'd even change my dresses in between commercial breaks of the VS Fashion Show to catwalk in my living room, following the model's every step. But I didn't know that my obsession with models mixed with my pain from hearing negative comments on my body would lead to a dark path of an eating disorder in middle school. Fed up by my mom's comments on my body, on this very site of Tumblr, I found the pro-Ana community. It consumed me. A mantra I lived by was "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips". I wanted so badly to be size 0. I followed the ABC and 2468 diets. I kept a journal to track my calories and became so proud of myself if I ate 400/600 calories for the day. I called it self-discipline. I loved seeing myself get skinny but I wasn't skinny enough. I was hurting. I wanted so badly for my mom to notice me. I wanted her to notice I was getting skinny so quickly but I dearly wanted her to accept me. To love. To call her first child and first daughter pretty for once. I worked out from sun up to sundown. My grandma (I love her so so much) was the only person that would beg me to rest and to stop. I stopped

eating my favorite foods. I stopped eating at all. But one day, my mom did notice me. As I worked out while she ate dinner, she yelled from the dining table that whatever I was doing, I need to stop because my collarbones are popping out and she didn't want Nigerians in our community to talk. I went upstairs and cried. She didn't even care nor concerned that I was not eating yet vigorously exercising, she only cared about what other people would say about her. The woman I did this all for did not care nor did she notice I put my body through anorexia to make her happy. And I still wasn't good enough. From sixth grade to my sophomore year of high school, I was a functioning anorexic. I was okay with not eating and no one knew. I played sports and duped everyone I was okay but really, I had gone two days only eating one meal. I only stopped because I became extremely fatigued at volleyball practice and was scolded by my coach about me not eating. I wish she knew I wish I wanted to eat more but I vowed to myself to never be called "fat" again. Those words hurt. I also became so scared of eating in front of people. My mom made me feel so much shame about eating. It could've been my first meal of the day and my mom would claim I have been eating all day. It wasn't until university, as friends would invite me to join them for dinner, I slowly grew out of the shame of eating in front of people. I knew I was hungry but I'd purposely eat small portions to avoid hearing anyone say "Damn, you must be hungry!". I'm happy though I never returned to be full-blown anorexic. I'm science-savvy so I figured this wasn't healthy for my body to be so tall but consume calories that still wouldn't be enough for someone smaller and shorter than me. However, my shame and relationship with food still remained toxic. Sure, I was eating more but my brain would whisper reminders of "Don't get fat" as a brought food up to my mouth to eat. I will take this moment to say I am proud of myself for not slipping into anorexia again my junior fall semester. I suffered a bad depression, one caused by my family and so-called friends. I would have dinner downstairs and no one would ask me to eat. No one calls me to join them to eat as a family. Everyone was so mean to me. All alone at night, I'd binge at 2 in the morning in shame. Finally eating for the first time that day since I never came out of my room to avoid being seen and interacting with my family. It was also the first time I started to seriously contemplate suicide. If my family and friends don't like me, why does it matter if I am here? I'm happy I'm here though but it hurts that no one knew the pain the caused me. When I came home for winter break, all these Nigerian aunties at church and even the day before were calling me fat. My mom called me fat. My dad dropped me off at school and when he called me later that evening, I assumed he was wishing me a great spring semester but rather he called to caution me to be more careful of what I ate at school. My vow was broken: People were calling me fat again. I want to take this moment to tell myself I am proud that although my brain tore me apart, I chose to go through a healthier route of exercise and eating healthier than restricting calories. However, I didn't feel any self-love. My exercise and diet changes came from not wanting anyone to call me names, not because I was doing it for me. I still made mean and nasty comments about myself. That following summer, I had a boost of confidence and I enjoyed it. I was away from the pain of home and I actually felt pretty for once. I wish the feeling would've lasted.

[butterflyinthewell]

Most disgusting life experience ever.

The post is under a cut because this is disgusting and I don’t want anyone to see so much as a sentence during casual scrolling. Especially if you’re surfing Tumblr while eating or drinking something. 

In fact, I recommend you finish what you’re eating or drinking before you read this if you decide to click, because it will make you not want to put anything in your mouth for a long time. 

It’s that gross!

* * * TRIGGER WARNINGS:

-Vomit  -Feces -Unsanitary -Food mention -Emotional abuse

* * *

Cats are just as capable of grossness as small children, I swear. This morning was my worst nightmare.

I exited my room and two steps later stepped squarely in fresh cat puke. It was still warm, and my full weight came down on it. I felt it squish between my toes and I slipped just enough that the entire mess transferred onto the sole of my foot. I stepped backwards involuntarily while keeping the puke foot on the floor, and my other foot landed on a fresh, mushy still-warm turd. It was one of those turds that are barely solid enough to have a shape, and now that mush squished between my toes. 

Both my feet were contaminated now. My whole body felt these sensations being transmitted to my brain from my feet. So I felt it on my tongue even though my feet are quite far from my mouth. I smelled it too, the disgusting mixture of puke and shit. I might as well have put it all in my mouth because my body made it feel that way.

So there I was, frozen in place with my bedroom trash can in my hands. I was doing my Tuesday routine of collecting the trash from the bathroom bins to take it all out into the big bins out back. Then those bins are rolled out front for trash/recycling pickup.

But I was frozen in place with one foot in puke and the other in shit.

I started bawling. The explosive kind of meltdown I have when my brain says “I-have-competing-prompts-and-don’t-know-what-to-do”. Because I wanted to jump out of the mess I was standing in to get away from the disgusting squishy warm sensations, but if I did it would make more of a mess. Plus I was in the middle of a routine-oriented task that had to be done.

My brain decided a meltdown was the only course of action because any choice I made besides standing still would spread the mess everywhere else.

Dad, of course, woke up because he was asleep and I was right outside his door. He yelled at me to shut up without checking to see the reason behind my freakout. That’s what he always does. I can understand him being mad at me for waking him up, but it’s what he said when he saw why I was in distress that hurt.

“This is why you’re embarrassing to live with! You let the stupidest shit make you mad. You’re being a r*tarded baby! Grow up and act like an adult!”

I started screaming for my mom. It was the only word I could force out.

My poor mom-- she rushed in from out back and yelled at my dad to shut up. She told me to stay where I was and got out the stuff to clean up the cat messes. She brought paper towels for me to step onto and washed my feet off before anything else because she knows I can’t handle being in contact with bodily waste material. 

That’s when my gag reflex went critical and I threw up in the trash bin I was holding. Mom took that and handled the trash stuff herself. She cleaned out my trash can and brought it back to me, told me to go sit down in my room and then took care of the cat messes. She gave my dad some hell for yelling at me and went back to the back yard to finish her gardening.

I sat in my room crying and melting down for a long time after. It’s taken me several hours to calm down.

I’ve been holed up in my room and only leaving it to go to the bathroom. I haven’t eaten since breakfast because everything is making me gag until I can’t breathe. Spit, my own tongue, even pills and water set off horrid retching. I’m so hungry and I can’t get food down because I still feel that warm wet squish sensation on my feet.

At least the bullshit my dad said didn’t really get to me, but it still feels like being kicked while I was down.

What he said was almost funny because HE has just as much of a gag reflex response to puke and shit that I do, but his Parkinson’s always gives him that convenient “out” for any manual labor since he can’t easily get up if he gets down on the floor. I don’t care about that; he’s disabled and can’t help it. But he thinks that’s a reason he can belittle me for a major gross-out response I had zero control of. 

Right, okay, no. A part of me nearly wiped my shit and puke smeared feet on his leg to send him gagging as much as I was, but that would have been childish and disgusting.

The mess was Dickens’ doing. She’s an old cat(18 years old) and shits where she stands whenever she throws up unless she literally just used the litter box. Her poops are always right next to the primary puke pile, and the smaller aftershock pukes are usually peppered all over the house. You think you’re done cleaning up and that’s when you find another puke pile. You’re left begging for mercy by the time you’ve found and cleaned it all up. This cat is an impressive barfer.

We’ve been to the vet about this. Hairball medicine helps, but doesn’t entirely stop it. We’ve tried different diets and medicines. She’s a vomit comet no matter what we do. One thing that helps avoid nasty morning surprises is picking up the bowl of dry kibble at night and putting it down after breakfast. 

Dickens tends to have puke/shit fests in the morning for reasons we’ve never figured out. I suspect she drinks water and wolfs down dry kibble faster than her stomach can warn her that it’s full. Kibble swells up in liquid. In essence, she overeats. You wouldn’t know by looking because she’s always been skinny due to being spayed at a very young age. She can and does keep food down most of the time, so it’s not like she’s malnourished. She can puke, go eat more food and be fine for the rest of the day.

But mom forgot to pick up the kibble last night and, well...I can tell that’s what Dickens ate to turn the hallway into a warzone.

Dickens always pukes and shits right where people walk or where my dad’s rollator walker wheels will go. It’s like she knows right where to make her grossness a centerpiece for all to admire. She’ll be fine, then she’ll yowl a bit, puke and then go back to being fine afterward like it never happened. She’s also remarkably quiet; she did that within a few feet of my bedroom door without me hearing a thing. Sometimes she makes that “blerk-blerk” noise, but you almost don’t hear it unless you’re right next to her.

My cat is a vomit ninja and I think today was the grossest experience of my life. I’ll be impressed if I’m able to eat dinner later because the gagging starts every time I move my tongue inside my mouth. Sometimes I dry heave.

All I can say is at least I didn’t step in that mess with slippers or socks on. That would’ve been worse because I would’ve had to throw them away. 

I had to pause typing this to go scrub my feet with rubbing alcohol, then soap and water. I still feel filthy and I still feel the barf and shit on my skin even though I can’t get it any cleaner.

For the record: I don’t have OCD, I just get very squicked when touching any sort of body fluid or waste material from another living creature. I’ll even gag if somebody drips tears on my skin while they’re crying. 

I can handle being kissed if the other person doesn’t give me a sloppy one with a lot of spit, and if I let my cats lick my hands(their tongues are stimmy), I make sure to wash my hands afterward.

I hope I never experience something more gross than today. My brain wouldn’t be able to handle it.

[wickedangel276]

1/23/19

I was on Facebook just now, and seen a post from my late mother’s friend.. She posted her wedding picture and an old invite to her 25th wedding anniversary in 1988. It made me think of my Mom and Dad.

My parents never celebrated anniversaries. According to my Mom, the marriage was a mistake. She claimed that her sister and one of his sisters pushed her into marrying, that she didnt want to get married. 

They were never affectionate. Never seen a hug, never seen a kiss. They didn’t make love, and I know this because I was an unusually insecure child who slept with my Mom until I was 12. So, yeah, I know they weren’t physical with one another. They had separate beds by the time I was like 9 or 10.

There were times that my Dad did try to be lovey and affectionate toward her, she’d pull away. Just wasn’t having it. I really felt bad for my Dad. He loved her. He tried. He stuck it out and took care of her and us, until the day he died. Life was unfair for him. He was miserable a lot of the time. It made him a bit difficult to get along with at times, but it wasn’t really his fault. I wish I seen that more back then and could have had a better understanding. The few times we were out shopping together, he was happier. We really got along. Until I was pushing the cart behind him and ran into him. lol Happened too many times....yeah, we didn’t get along all that great those times. lol I miss him.

They say that you learn to be affectionate and learn what relationships are all about from watching your parents.. When I started dating, I wasn’t sure how to behave. But, when I became engaged to a super affectionate guy, I learned that’s what I like, what I need. That was when I was 17. I am now married to a different, yet just as affectionate, man. He’s always cuddly, hand holding, kissing me. Says I love you several times a day. I love that, so much. By watching my parents, I learned what a cold, distant marriage is like and knew that’s the furthest thing from what I want, what I need. 

I don’t know where I learned to be affectionate. I always was.. As a child, I always tried to hug on my Mom, she would literally push me away and tell me to stop. I tried to be affectionate with my Dad, but she would make nasty accusations. So, I didn’t have the affection I needed. I think that’s a big part of why I was so insecure. As an adult, I still have my moments when I feel “insecure” and emotionally needy. Luckily, not often. I’m not typically a clingy person. But those times, I need Mark to hold me tight for a few minutes. And he does. He understands. Talking about this almost has me crying. 

I think seeing my parent’s bad marriage is a big part of why I was so hesitant to get married, my entire adult life. I finally did, but it took a while to feel ready. I never want to be divorced, so marriage is very permanent to me. I’ve had some commitment issues throughout my life. And I didn’t want to make a mistake. Didn’t want to make a life long promise to someone, then have him change into someone I couldn’t stand. Partly because, my Mom always warned me not to get married. Said the man thinks he owns you, and he will change. Part of me said, don’t believe it. Another part of me feared her being right. After all, I have dated some guys who were one way before dating them, then they changed after I started dating them. The worst was recent, about 5 years, maybe 6 years ago. He was one of my very best friends, we got together finally and he was a different person. Completely. He was hard to get over, because I missed that close friendship. Still do. ONLY the friendship, though. 

I woke up at 530 this morning. I do better when I wake up early. We have to leave here at 9, to get to his dental appointment in Gate City. While we are there, we are going to go to the courthouse and try to get the visitation/custody case moved from Gate City to Bristol. After 6 months, the jurisdiction is supposed to change. Then we found out we have to take it back to court to petition change of jurisdiction. To the best of my knowledge, I believe her bio mother is incarcerated. She is suppose to serve a year. I just received a message from her fb account saying she is home and wants her visit, but I believe it’s her mother, trying to get the visit. The custody order reads that Sierra is to be transported by the grandmother. So of course, we would have no way of knowing, since the “mother” never comes with her anyway. IF she were not in jail, she would have contacted me about previous missed visits and she would actually call me. I don’t believe it. 

I need to figure out what i’m making for dinner tonight. Had ground beef stroganoff last night. Finally. lol I had been planning it, but making something else instead, for a couple weeks. It was pretty good. I don’t know if Sierra has church tonight or not. I need to know, so I know whether i’m cooking for 3 or just two. But, they aren’t calling me back, so I won’t know until we see if they show up at 5 or not. 

It’s 814 and i’m feeling a little tired. Taking my other phentermine in 45 minutes or so. I had been taking them together, same time, for the longest time. But it’s supposed to be taken about 4 hours apart. I’ve been taking them 2-4 hours apart. They say that spacing them out gives you energy and suppresses the appetite longer throughout the day. It didn’t suppress my appetite the last couple days! I stayed hungry for some reason, ate too much. Today should be different. I had a banana, a couple cups of coffee and a bottle (+1/4 bottle) of water so far, and i’m not hungry so far. 

I need to stop at a grocery store. I’m out of ranch and cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese on a salad, good protein source. Also, probably pick something up for dinner instead of thawing something. I’m thinking pork chops. They can be made so many different ways. Last time, I thinly topped them with mustard and basked them. Everyone loved them. This time, not as healthy, but I am thinking about a thin coat of mayo and some garlic and lemon pepper, salt and pepper. Baked. One of these nights, when she has church and it’s just Mark and I, we have some thick pork chops, will be perfect for stuffing them. 

I set a goal of losing 10 pounds by Valentine’s day. Time is ticking away and i’m not doing great. Not eating at or under my calorie goal the last couple days. I don’t announce my weight freely, but I guess it doesn’t matter. You can tell im over 300 by looking at me, so why bother trying to hide it. I’m 304. My Vday goal is 294. Fingers crossed! (..and mouth closed! ha)

I want to drink more water, it’s good for my weight loss and I feel that i’ve been living chronically dehydrated. But, something...i’m thinking the coffee...has me feeling over full, making it difficult to drink the water.

I check my weight tomorrow, when I stop in at the weight loss clinic to get my lipo-vite shot. Getting them twice a week until the end of February. I hope to see some results. Also hoping I don’t have a gain, this time. When I first weighed in at the clinic, it was 302.5. BUT.. I hadn’t drank much water. I think the extra 1.5 pounds came from extra water I had been drinking. Still, was disappointing to see a gain. Please be a loss or still 304!!!! Preferably a loss. Also, planning to swim Thursday. And Saturday. Doing 2 times a week for now, working up to 3 times per week. Or more. 

I just read that exercise isn’t as important as dieting to lose weight. But, it helps. It helped me stick to my dieting last time. 

834, guess I better get off here and get ready to go.