#molimwrites

[my-one-love-is-music]

Beneath These Sheets

Summary: Jason Todd was a man who'd experienced love and loss. Love had made him stronger, but when did loss become too much? Ten years was a long time to hold a grudge, but Jason was excellent at remembering and holding on to anger. The only thing that was uncertain, was what was to come after it was all over. 

Length: 7.6k

Rating: Mature

Author’s Notes: I got super obsessed with this fic after I got the idea. I hope that you're ready for this. Feel free to yell at me in the comments as much as you like after you finish reading. (Here you are @tanekore, I hope you’re ready.)

Also on AO3!

“Great thanks,” Jason said, cradling the phone between his shoulder and his ear as he worked to clean the blood off his gun and hands. “No, you’re amazing. That’s more than enough. More than I really could’ve hoped for, honestly.” He turned and leaned against the sink, giving Tim a look where he sat on top of the toilet seat lid. “Yeah, I’ll let you know how the intel checks out. Thanks, bye.”

He ended the call and slid the phone back into the pocket of his leather jacket. It was pretty old – the zipper was broken and the edges more than a little frayed. But he loved it. Couldn’t get rid of it, even now. Wouldn’t want to, with how long he’d had it.

Jason sighed, gathering his wits before turning to the mirror to check over his appearance. The harsh light of the gas station bathroom only served to exaggerate the wrinkles that had formed around his eyes and lips – the latter from years of frowning rather than smiling.

His eyes roved over his hair, now mottled with more grey than he ever expected to have in his life and that only served to accentuate the white streak that he’d gotten so long ago.

“You’re more grey than black now,” Tim said, wrapping his arms around Jason from behind after noticing the looks he was giving himself in the mirror.

“Speak for yourself,” Jason muttered, voice filled with all love and no heat. Tim’s own locks had become a salt and pepper mixture. However, the lines around his mouth were a result of years of smiling and laughter. The crow’s feet around his eyes hidden by his glasses, the lucky bastard.

“Ready to go?” Jason asked.

“Yeah, where are we off to this time?” he asked, pulling away and making Jason miss the phantom touch of his warmth.

Jason picked up his gun and stuck it in the back of his jeans. “We’re off to new York City. Well, the part people don’t like to acknowledge anyway.”

“We better get going then.”

Jason pulled the bathroom door open and walked out, Tim following behind him closely. The gas station was mostly empty, only a few people browsing through the chips and candy, and the worker didn’t even look up from the magazine they were looking through at the counter. It was better that way. Better if they didn’t acknowledge each other.

He pushed through the doors and veered to the right to where he’d left his motorcycle. He swung his leg over and released the kick stand as Tim’s arms came around his waist, bringing their bodies close together.

They left the parking lot behind. Took to the roads and left behind the buildings that would no doubt crumple to dust. That would disappear with time just as they would. Jason used to not give the future much thought because in all honestly, he didn’t think that he’d live this long or make it this far, but now it always chose to come back and haunt him. Taunt him with the things he knew he couldn’t have.

The miles merged into nothing. Time flowed into one thing-into nothing-as he moved. Wove past cars and exits, only looking towards his destination. The one goal that had kept him moving. Kept him from breaking and absorbed every effort that he made in life.

The first thing Jason did was a find a hotel that was stable and where the management didn’t ask any questions. He paid in cash and gripped the key hard in his hand. The old-fashioned kind – metal heavy and bulky in his grip, so unlike the sleek keycards that everyone was so used to handling now that most things were automated in such a way.

He pushed the heavy door open and tossed his small duffel bag on the bed before falling down next to it. He sighed and closed his eyes, the day’s exhaustion hitting him faster than he remembered it used to. Yet more often than not, his tiredness and the ache never seemed to leave. Always clung to his body to remind him that he couldn’t rest yet. Couldn’t stop.

“Go ahead and sleep. You’ve got a few hours before it gets dark and a few more hours after that before the real baddies come out to play,” Tim said, sitting down cross-legged next to him and running deft fingers through his hair.

“Baddies, huh? I haven’t heard you say that in a long time,” Jason quipped, eyelids falling half-closed.

“Hush,” Tim reprimanded and Jason turned into him, inhaling his barely-there scent before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

Jason shivered and groaned. His stomach sunk down through his legs and out his feet. Hell, it probably sunk all the way down to, well, Hell. He was in the middle of the road and suspected he was down near Crime Alley, although he wasn’t exactly sure why. He looked around and found no one. Not that that wasn’t out of the ordinary. The people who were out at this hour tended to stick to the shadows and kept themselves from being seen.

He looked around himself and tried to get a handle on his surroundings. He felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. He needed to do something. Be somewhere. He had to be. Had to go. Had to move.

Jason took off. Feet pounded the pavement in that familiar way they always did. The repetitive movements comforting even as worry bloomed in his chest and nagged at the back of his mind. His feet took him down familiar streets and routes, urging him back to where he needed to be. Where he had to go.

His chest felt too tight and it was hard to breathe. Everything felt strange. Every muscle in his body drawn taught. Not moving fast enough and for the first time he questioned why he wasn’t on his bike. Wondered where his bike was because if he had it, surely he’d make it in time.

Jason rounded the last corner, sprinting down the street towards the apartment. Too long, too long. It was taking too long. He flung the doors open and charged towards the elevator. Empty lobby. That was never a good sign.

He jabbed the call button for the elevator. Kept pressing and pressing and pressing. He could feel his heartbeat in his toes. He wanted to run. Climb the stairs and get to where he needed to be. Push his body to its limits. But that would take too long.

Finally, the sleek, silver doors slid open and he stepped inside. He jabbed the button for the top floor, glad when the doors shut right away. He bounced on his toes, wincing and impatient as he slowly crawled up past the floors that didn’t matter. Weren’t the ones he needed.

Jason was sliding through the doors when they opened. Running down to the empty hall only to freeze when he came to an open door.

“No! No, no, please God, no!” Jason reached out with a shaking hand. He knew now. Knew what he was going to find. What he was dreading. Remembering was always the worst part. He could handle the denial, but as soon as he remembered…it was all over.

He pushed the door open and stepped inside because reliving one of his worst nightmares was the only way to bring it to an end. Bring him some kind of reprieve rather than staying in the nightmare that he wanted to forget. Wished he could go back in time to stop from happening.

The light was eerie – blinking from an over-turned lamp somewhere off in the living room. The entrance was always so deceptive. Always gave him that fake sense of hope that this time would be different. That this time, he’d made it.

Jason stepped through the pristine entryway and turned the corner, steeling himself for what he knew he was going to find there.

The sight of the blood still made him stagger backwards even though he was expecting it. Still brought him to his knees and punched all the air from his lungs. The same effect it always had when he was met with the sight of-

Jason woke with a gasp, bolting upright as his chest heaved and the first dredges of sweat began to dry on his skin. A hand on his shoulder had him turning to face Tim who had a worried expression on his face.

“Same dream again?” he asked.

Jason nodded and Tim climbed into his lap without being prompted, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and holding tightly. Jason pulled Tim as close as he could, yearning for the feeling of their bodies pressed closely together even as he felt the pounding of his heartbeat in every recess of his body and soul. Thought that Tim could probably hear it if he didn’t feel where it thudded against his chest.

He buried his face in Tim’s neck and sighed as Tim carded his fingers through his hair, scratching at his scalp with long fingernails. Slowly, ever so slowly, the tension eased from Jason’s shoulders. His heartbeat settled into a steady rhythm and he managed to come back to himself. Remembered how far he’d come over the years. Handling the nightmares never got any easier, but finding his sense of peace and equilibrium happened faster than it used to. Something he was grateful for.

“You should get a shower before you go. Order some room service,” Tim murmured, voice breaking through the quiet that had settled between them.

“Shower later. I’m probably just going to get sweaty and grimy and possibly bloody again anyway. But room service, yes.” Jason made no move to get up after he finished talking.

“You can’t order if you don’t let me up,” Tim said, huffing out a laugh.

Jason sighed dramatically and uncurled his body from around Tim who fell out of his lap to sprawl over the bed. He got up and walked over to the phone and looked over the limited menu that was available.

“You want anything?”

“No. I’ll pick something up later if I’m hungry.”

Jason dialed the number and was happy when they picked up quickly. “I’d like to place an order for room service. Steak and potatoes for room 213. Yeah, thanks.”

He dropped the receiver into its cradle and pulled the armchair next to the bed so he could prop his feet up while he waited.

“Are you going to come tonight?” Jason asked as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, his exhaustion returning now that his adrenaline was fading.

“Yeah, I think so. It’ll be better than staying in this dump.”

“Are you going to go all out and suit up?” Jason joked with a laugh.

Tim rolled his eyes. “I shouldn’t be wearing that much spandex at this age.”

“That never stopped B.”

“Point.”

A knock sounded on the door and Jason groaned as he got to his feet. He pulled the door open and took the tray from the bored looking woman and let the door fall shut. He retook his seat and picked up the cutlery, cutting into the steak quickly to begin eating the surprisingly good food for the place they were staying in.

He finished quickly, caring less about what the food tasted like and more about getting it down so he could get going. Tim huffed at him, but knew that it wouldn’t be an argument that he would win. It never was and they’d had it enough times for him to let it go once in a while, especially since Jason had already suffered through a nightmare.

Jason left the tray on the small table before he began rummaging through the duffel bag he brought with him. He laid out several plates of body armor before pulling out his trusty red helmet.

Like the rest of him, it had obviously gotten a beating over the years. The paint was chipped and dingy. Faded in some places despite all his efforts to keep it painted and looking new.

“That’s going to need some upgrades soon,” Tim spoke up from where he was sprawled.

“It’s been in need of upgrades for a while now. You should get on them,” Jason shot back.

“You could’ve gotten it taken care of instead of waiting for me to do it.”

“No I couldn’t,” Jason said, pulling off his jacket and shirt. “You always do my upgrades.” He sighed as he was once again greeted with the sight of how he looked. There were far more scars than he could keep track of littering his skin. And his stomach was less defined than it used to be, his body’s response to the burger joints that he liked to frequent, much to everyone’s dismay.

He grabbed a black technical shirt and pulled it over his head before he started latching on his body armor. Once that was finished, he slipped his arms through his gun holsters and secured them, pulling on his leather jacket last, smoothing his hands over the sides in a gentle caress. A quick switch from jeans to cargo pants completed the look and brought a change to Jason’s demeanor. One that said he was ready to kill.

“Ready?” he asked, turning to find Tim had thrown on a black hoodie and a spare domino. “Really? That’s what you’re wearing?”

“I told you that I wasn’t doing the spandex thing. It’s not like it matters. They’re not going to notice me anyway and it’s your gig.”

“Let’s go then. The sooner we get them to talk, the sooner we can keep moving and find our next target.” Jason checked through the window to make sure that there was no one out on the landing. When he determined that it was clear, he slipped out the door with Tim and hurried down the stairs to his bike.

He was glad that night had fallen and brought everything into shadow. The motel they’d chosen was perfect, located in an area where even the worst light pollution dared not reach and run down enough that it didn’t even bother with security cameras. And placed where no sane person would go out at night. But Jason wasn’t exactly sane. Hadn’t been in a long time. If ever.

The decrepit buildings that Jason parked next to after speeding through the streets should have been demolished years ago. And would’ve been, if the city actually cared about the people who it was supposed to look after. Now they were a space for the homeless to seek shelter and the scum of the city to do dealings. And it was exactly the place where Jason would find the people who he’d been looking for.

The building across the street – the one he suspected was the worst looking of them all – looked empty. Completely deserted, in fact. But you didn’t get very far in this area if everyone knew where you were. Jason drew his gun and sprinted across the street, immediately blending into the shadows of the doorway. He gripped the handle and turned, pulling it open easily. The hinges didn’t even creak which was a miracle with how old the building was. Jason just assumed that he was lucky like that. For once.

Tim shadowed him as they slipped inside, easily catching the sound of voices in the silence of the building even if they couldn’t quite make out what was being said. Jason rushed forward, quickly getting swallowed in the dark depths of the yawning blackness. Soon all that existed was his heartbeat, the excitement, and the adrenaline coursing through his veins.

He found the dim lighting quickly, not even pausing to assess the situation, just jumping straight into the group of three men and taking them all to the ground before they even knew what hit them.

“Now that I’ve got your attention,” he said, pressing the barrel of his gun against the back of their leader’s neck, “I’ve got a few questions for you. Ten years ago a hitman was sent to Gotham. You have clear ties to the person who was sent and the organizers who hired him. I’m looking for them and have little patience so it’d be best if you told me everything you know.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re crazy,” the guy underneath Jason grit out, shaky voice giving away his rising panic as he shifted uneasily and uncomfortably against the hard concrete.

“Don’t lie to me,” Jason snarled, pressing him further into the ground.

“I’m not lying! I swear! I-“

Jason pulled his gun away from his head and shot the guy to his right in the leg. His howl of pain tore through the silence and cut off the frantic explanation the leader was trying to give.

“Now...who was the hitman?” Jason growled. “I didn’t come here to kill you, but I won’t hesitate if you decide to be an idiot.”

“Okay, okay…I’ll talk,” he gasped out, heaving underneath Jason’s hold. “I don’t know the names of the people who organized the hit, but the guy they contracted goes by the name of Morrison. Just Morrison. Nothing before and nothing after. People will know who you’re talking about if you ask around. That’s all I know, I swear.”

“It better be,” Jason said before smashing his head against the ground and knocking him unconscious.

“Criminals just aren’t as strict with themselves as they used to be,” Tim said, finally stepping out of the shadows.

“I thought you’d be happy about that at least. My hands aren’t getting as dirty as they used to.”

“They’re still getting that dirty, just not as often.”

“Whatever. Now that this is done we can find out more about our lovely friend Morrison and what he’s doing.” Jason stowed his gun and headed back the way they’d come. Having the darkness press around them this time was more eerie than when it had happened before. He didn’t have his target guiding him or the extra voices, just the low whimpers from the man who he’d shot.

Once he was free of the building, Jason took to the streets, Tim keeping up with him easily. Everything began to blend together. He tracked down people and then beat them until he got his answers. Some were more willing to offer up information than others and Jason had no qualms with using as much force as necessary even with Tim watching him every step of the way.

Jason was vibrating with energy and leftover adrenaline by the time he made it back to the hotel. He stripped off his jacket almost immediately after stepping into the room. He tossed it onto the bed and his helmet followed before he was reaching for the clasps on his armor and stripping himself as fast as possible, eager to get out of his uniform.

“Someone’s anxious,” Tim said, removing his domino and hoodie and starting a smaller pile of clothes next to Jason’s things.

“It’s hard not to be,” he said, pulling Tim to him and covering his lips with his own. “We got a solid lead on Morrison that’s taking us back to Gotham. Progress hasn’t been this fast in years and I know that once we confront him, we’ll find the people behind it all. It’s almost over. It’s all almost over.”

Jason’s lips moved along Tim’s jaw until he was licking and sucking on his neck making Tim gasp and clutch at his shoulders. He backed towards the bathroom, reveling in the whispering touches that Tim left over his skin. Left him wishing that he could have crescent-marks carved into the skin of his shoulders for all eternity.

He reached blindly for the shower, shoving the curtain aside so he could reach the tap and turn it on. They maneuvered into the tub and Jason cursed when scalding hot water hit his back. He pulled their lips apart and scrabbled for the knobs in the hopes of cooling it down.

Tim chuckled behind him and Jason let out a relieved sigh when he didn’t feel like he was going to have his skin burned off, but still had heated water washing over him. He looked over his shoulder and quirked an eyebrow but Tim only shook his head, reaching for the soap instead.

Later that night as Jason was on the edge between wakefulness and being asleep, and he was running his fingers through Tim’s barely damp hair, he found himself never wanting to give this up. He wanted to be with Tim like this forever and hoped that nothing was coming in the future would change that. No matter what he was met with or what happened.

Jason woke as the sun spilled through the curtains and across his face. He wasted no time in getting up and changed and checked out, along with a grumbling Tim. After all, he had business in Gotham that night and didn’t want to have to put it off in case something unexpected were to happen. It was one of the reasons why he was so grateful to miss any traffic that he might’ve encountered.

One drawback was that after only being back in Gotham for a few hours, everyone inadvertently knew he was back and he had an unwelcome guest show up at his door.

“What do you want, Dick?” Jason asked, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms.

“Can I come in?” he asked, obviously exasperated by Jason’s immediate coldness.

“No.”

“Let me in, Jason. I don’t think that you want your neighbors hearing everything that’s going on. It might make them a little worried.”

Jason sneered, but stepped aside reluctantly. He shut the door and leaned against it, not wanting to let Dick any farther into the apartment. Didn’t want him getting comfortable and staying longer than Jason wanted him, which was not at all. Tim stepped into the entryway to observe even as Dick sighed and turned to face Jason.

“Jay…” he sighed.

“No, Dick,” Jason interrupted. “We’ve been over this. Nothing that you have to say is going to make me change my mind about this.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. I don’t want you to keep hurting yourself over this. It’s been ten years, I want you to move on and heal like the rest of us have been trying to do.”

“I won’t get hurt. And I’ll be able to move on when this is over. I’ve finally got the lead that I’ve been waiting years for. There’s nothing that you can say that’s going to deter me,” Jason said, shaking his head.

Dick held out his hands, palms opened towards the ceiling. “Surely, Tim-“

“Tim understands. He understands me and understands why I’m doing this.”

“Jason-“

“Dick,” Jason said, stepping forward and wrenching the door open. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

Dick sighed. He did that a lot around Jason. “This conversation isn’t over,” he said, walking past Jason and into the hallway.

“Keep telling yourself that. We’ve been having this same talk for ten years. It didn’t change anything from day one and it won’t change anything now.”

“Bye, Jason. At least try to visit the Manor soon,” he said before walking down the hallway.

Jason watched him go for a moment before shutting the door.

“He looks older every time he comes around,” Tim said.

“Anyone that decides to pay a visit looks older. We look older. That’s the beauty of ageing,” Jason said, walking back into the apartment.

“You should visit with Dick more often. And I don’t mean for more lectures. I mean actually going to the see him at the Manor. And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, maybe Damian, too. Even he didn’t come out of what happened unaffected.”

“You’re right, I can’t believe that you’re saying that,” Jason said, throwing an arm around Tim’s shoulders and pulling him towards the living room. “But you can continue to lecture me and I’ll pretend to listen and be remorseful as we lay on the couch. I still have several hours before I need to suit up and I can’t promise that I won’t fall asleep.”

“If you’re just going to fall asleep then you should lie down in bed so you don’t get a stiff back.”

“I like that idea better. Come on,” he said, changing course for the bedroom.

Jason stretched out on the bed first, letting Tim crawl in after him to find which position he wanted to be in.

“Are you coming with tonight?” Jason asked, rubbing his thumb against Tim’s shoulder.

“No, I think I’ll stay in. Maybe do a bit of catch up on what’s been happening in Gotham.”

“Catch up? You’re never behind on what’s going on.”

“Oh no. It seems you’ve found me out,” Tim said sarcastically.

Jason smiled and let his eyes slide shut as Tim continued to talk, paying attention to every word despite what other people might have believed.

Jason landed heavily in the alley below, his boots kicking up water around him. The downpour hadn’t started long after he’d left his place, but he was barely paying attention to where the water had already seeped through his jacket and chilled his skin.

He moved silently through the back streets, any sound his feet would’ve made was either eliminated by his own training or drowned out by the pouring rain. He hadn’t run into any other criminals since being out, not that he’d been moving that long, but it was always nice when the weather kept them away and he could have an easy time of navigating the streets of Gotham. Even if other people chose to stay inside, he knew that he’d find Morrison. Everything felt right as though it was all starting to fall into place. He was close and the years were finally culminating where he’d needed them to meet up for so many years.

Jason saw a curtain flicker and stopped in his tracks. It obviously hadn’t been done with the best of care because it let a sliver of light through and onto the pavement below. If it hadn’t moved, he honestly wouldn’t have noticed that it was a curtain, the color matching any sort of darkness that swallowed up the details of the room beyond the glass. It was enough though and he knew that he was exactly where he needed to be.

A menacing smirk slipped onto his face but before he could pull out his gun, a body dropped down from the building in front of him. He threw an arm in front of his face and forced his body backward, feeling the cut of a blade as it sliced through his jacket and subsequent skin easily. He staggered backwards a couple of steps, boots sloshing through the water as he fought to maintain his balance and prepare for a secondary attack.

“I don’t know who you are, but I don’t take too kindly to people snooping around my territory,” the man growled.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you’re Morrison. You’re the guy that I’ve been looking for,” Jason said, falling into his trustworthy fighting stance.

“And what would you want if I am?” he asked.

“Some information. Ten years ago-“

Morrison, and there was no doubt that it was him, rushed forward before Jason could finish speaking and thrust his blade again. Jason just barely evaded, using his outstretched arm to pull Morrison’s body towards him, bringing his other hand to the back of his neck and shoving him to the ground.

“Ten years ago,” he grunted, “you were hired to complete a hit in Gotham. I know that I don’t need to name who it was on, because I know that you know. Now do us both a favor and tell me who sent the hit. I’m not after you, I’m after your old employers,” Jason growled.

Morrison reared back and shoved Jason off of his back, twisting around and using his hand as momentum to push off the ground and follow after Jason. He got on top of him quickly and made a quick downward slash with the knife, making a large cut down the side of Jason’s other arm as he brought it up to defend himself.

“I’m not employed by so many high-status people because I let others get the best of me so easily,” he grit out. “I’m not going to tell you a thing and you’re about to meet the same fate that I delivered to him all those years ago.”

“I don’t think so,” Jason said, bringing his legs up and flipping him over his head to land heavily on the asphalt. He pushed himself to his feet quickly to keep him in sight and did his best to shake away the dripping blood that was quickly soaking the leather of his jacket sleeves. He pulled his gun from one of his holsters and held it up, aiming straight for between Morrison’s eyes as he slowly got to his feet, eyeing Jason warily.

“Do us both a favor and tell me who employed you.”

“Not a chance,” he growled, switching the knife to his other hand.

Jason sighed and shot him in the leg quickly. He dropped to one knee and Jason was impressed that he didn’t make any sound of pain. There weren’t many people like that around anymore. He looked up at Jason, hate and anger burning steadily in his eyes.

“I’m sure that you’ve got someone you care about. Please don’t make me track them down and hold them at gunpoint so that I can get you to talk.”

“No one. There’s no one,” Morrison spat.

“Oh really? Then who was the person who made the curtain twitch? Because I know that wasn’t you,” Jason said, gesturing to the building behind Morrison. “And since this is your ‘territory’ I know that only people you allow to be here would be in these buildings.”

It was barely perceptible, but Jason saw his eyes widen a fraction and knew that he had him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Morrison said, voice wavering slightly, even as he tried to sound convincing in his lie.

Jason shot him in the other leg, forcing him to fling his arms out to keep himself from hitting the ground too hard.

“You know, you’re a really bad liar. But I guess your ability to fool people isn’t what gets you hired, now is it?”

“Fuck you.”

“Maybe later. Now, who hired you?” he asked, kneeling down a foot or so away from Morrison’s face.

He stared at him, wanting so badly to fight back. Jason could see it. He could also see the moment when he chose to give in to the situation and let it go. It had happened ten years ago, he probably thought that keeping the information to himself wasn’t worth it any longer.

“Fine. It was a group of four men. They were all the heads of prominent organizations that had ties to illegal activities. It wasn’t long before they got busted and they wanted revenge. So they brought me on in the hopes of taking out the person who revealed their information and could get working on building themselves back up again. You’re looking for Fitzpatrick, Mackay, O’Leery, and Stale.”

“See, was that so hard?” Jason asked. He pushed himself up from his position and turned to walk away, until he felt a knife imbed itself in the back of his leg. “Motherfucker!” He stumbled and turned to look at Morrison who was grinning up at him. He pulled the knife from the back of his leg, probably not the smartest move, and threw it to the side before limping out of the alley.

It was a struggle to make it back to his bike, the blood coming quickly and mixing with the rainwater that flowed down his clothes. The encounter had not gone at all how Jason had expected, but he got the information that he wanted and now he could go back to the apartment and get all cleaned up. He’d then be able to turn his focus to finding the group of men. He remembered the names well, wouldn’t be able to forget them even if he tried.

And if what Morrison said was true about them getting back into illegal activities, then he shouldn’t have a problem finding them all having a meeting together. It would be easier than having to track them down one by one.

Jason had nearly lost consciousness on his drive back to the apartment and was probably being more reckless than necessary, but he knew that it wouldn’t do to sit around too long with the state of his wounds. He needed to get stitched up fast and get in bed with a computer.

The crawl up the fire escape, and it was pretty close to a crawl, was awful and he nearly fell into a heap on the floor when he pushed through the window, thankful that he hadn’t reset the trips on the security when he left. He felt sluggish and his body felt heavy. He wanted to sleep. This was not a good sign. He definitely lost too much blood.

“What the hell happened to you?!” Tim screeched, darting up from his place on the couch.

“Morrison was a little tougher than I expected,” Jason said, trying to laugh it off, but only ended up groaning deeply. “Mind giving me a hand here, Babybird? Sorry about the jacket.”

“Christ, let’s get you into the bathroom. And don’t worry about the jacket, you can get another one.” Tim said pulling his arm over his shoulder.

“But you gave this one to me.”

Jason shuffled slowly and was so thankful that his bathroom was so close to the living room and that he didn’t have very far to go. He sat down heavily on the toilet seat and began by stripping off his jacket. With much more effort he stood, a bit wobbly on his feet and shoved down his pants, leaving them pooled around his ankles. The cut on the back of his thigh was the worst of the three and he knew that needed to be taken care of first.

He reached for a disinfectant wipe from the first aid kit that had already been set out and cleaned the blood from around the large cut. After throwing the used wipe into the trash he took the needle that Tim was holding out to him and brought it to the back of his thigh, using his other hand to pinch the skin together which left him in a rather awkward position.

“Why don’t you let me do that?” Tim asked, reaching out.

“No, it’s better if I do it. Gives me something to focus on through the pain. Can you reset the security trips and clean up any mess that I might’ve made?”

Tim sighed, but left him alone to go do as he asked.

By the time Jason was finished stitching his skin back together, he was heaving out breaths from the pain. He’d forgotten how big of a bitch stitches were and they only seemed to be worse now that he was older. He leaned back on the toilet and dropped the needle into his first aid kit, grabbing another disinfectant wipe for his arms. Those cuts were much shallower and didn’t look nearly as bad once he’d gotten the blood cleaned away. His jacket had taken most of the beating, keeping him from serious harm.

He pulled out two pairs of butterfly sutures and closed up the skin relatively easily. He let his head fall back and closed his eyes. He still felt incredibly weak and probably would for the next couple of days due to so much blood loss, but he couldn’t let that stop him. Not when he was so close to his goal. Even though he’d gotten this hurt, he was sure that the men who he was still up against wouldn’t have any fighting experience. He wasn’t looking for information from them anyway, just revenge.

“I can’t believe you got this hurt!” Tim said, stalking back into the room now that Jason was finished.

“This ain’t nothing. I’ll be fine,” Jason said, smiling crookedly.

“Fine?! You could’ve died tonight Jason! None of this is worth your life! It can’t be!”

“It is, okay?! I would die a thousand deaths for this. For you! You’re the one I’m doing this for anyway!” Jason shot back, suddenly more furious than he’d been in a long time.

“I never asked you to!” Jason could already see the tears welling up in Tim’s eyes. “Live your life and forget about what happened to me!” Tim choked out a sob and rushed from the room, leaving Jason to stare after him.

“Like I could ever do such a thing,” Jason muttered. He sat back down and leaned his elbows against his knees. It had been a long time since Tim had gotten that mad at him. And he had been reckless, but this was almost over. After he confronted the group that had organized everything, he’d put down his helmet for good and move on. He’d told Dick he’d do that and Tim had even given up being a vigilante years ago, despite how much he’d enjoyed it.

Jason reached down and undid the laces on his boots before kicking them from his feet. He shoved his pants free and undid all of the plates of his body armor, leaving them on the floor. He turned on the shower before stripping off the rest of what he was wearing and stepping under the hot spray. The water felt good against his skin, especially after the rainwater had soaked him, leaving a chill in his bones.

After his shower, Jason found Tim curled up on the bed. His breathing was even, meaning he’d long since stopped crying, but was still awake.

“Tim?” Jason asked softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed in his towel and reached over to run his fingers over his arm.

Tim rolled over to give him a look and Jason saw how red his eyes still were.

“I’m sorry for what happened tonight. One more night is all I need. And then this is all going to be over. I promise. After tomorrow, I’ll put away the helmet for good. No more crime fighting for me.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Jason leaned forward and captured Tim’s lips with his own. “Now I need your help to track down a little group of people for me…”

Jason thought the universe had to be fucking with him. There was no way that it could be so easy to find the people who had ruined his life when it had been going so good. But it was so easy. And Jason was reassured of that fact as he stood on top of a stack of crates in a warehouse. There was no one guarding them. No one hiding in the shadows to protect these men. They really didn’t learn anything from hiring hitmen and hiding behind their money.

“Well, well, well…everyone came out to play and no one decided to invite me?” Jason asked, voice ringing out and startling the group from where they were talking in hushed voices. He dropped down, landing in a crouch and they all staggered away from his sudden appearance, obviously shocked that someone had found them. “Good thing I like to invite myself places then.”

“You!” Mackay cried. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to have a bit of fun and deliver some justice to a group of scumbags who got off far too easy thanks to the corrupt justice system and the amount of money you were able to pour into lawyers and offer in bribes.” Jason pulled both of his guns from the holsters and pointed them at both ends of the group.

“Look, man,” Fitzpatrick said as they all hastily raised their hands, “whatever you want. We’ll give you whatever you want. You don’t need to kill-“  

“What I want?!” Jason roared, last dredges of his patience and controlling snapping after ten years of waiting and searching. “What I want is dead! And you fuckers had him killed! And now I’m going to kill each and every one of you for taking away the best thing that ever happened to me. For taking away the one person who I loved the most and will always love the most.”

“That was ten years ago!” Stale said frantically.

“And I’ve been hunting you four down every single god damn day for those past ten years. I having nothing else to say to you other than I’ll see you all in Hell, motherfuckers.” Jason let lose four quick gunshots before any of them could even move, let alone draw more breath to plead their cases. Four bodies crumpled to the ground around him and blood began to pool at the sides of their heads. Jason let his guns fall from his hands. Let them clatter to the floor next to his feet.  

“Are you wanting me to thank you for that?” Tim asked, looking down at the bodies around Jason.

Jason pulled off his helmet and watched as Tim changed. His jeans became more snug and less faded from so many washings. His button-down morphed into an old shirt with the superman symbol that he used to wear. The one that he loved to wear. His hair got a tad bit shorter and the grey disappeared entirely. The wrinkles around his face cleared up and his glasses faded from existence. Jason was left looking at the Tim Drake from ten years ago. The Tim Drake who he’d last seen before he was murdered.

“You’re a ghost,” Jason accused.

“I’m not a ghost. You’re the only one who could see me and I can’t affect anything on the physical plane. I’ve merely been a manifestation of your desire,” Tim said, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Even in death, you’re lecturing me and proving how much smarter you are. So you were never here. You were gone as soon as you were killed and this was just all in my head,” Jason said, laughing hollowly. He felt himself crumple that much further at realizing just how much was taken from him in that moment that happened so long ago.

“Wrong again, Jason. I didn’t disappear. I continued and will continue to live on in your heart because of the love you have for me. I’ll always be here, always have been, even if it might not seem like it.”

Jason felt the tears slide down his cheeks. Choked on a sob as the full impact of what was happening finally hit him. “I love you, Tim. I’ll never stop loving you.”

Tim walked over to where he was standing, fond smile that used to be so familiar, tugging at his lips. Jason used to kiss away that smile, used to love turning those lips cheery red and swollen. “I know, Jason. I know you loved me. And I loved you, too.”

Tim reached up and cupped the side of Jason’s face, and now more than ever, Jason was yearning to feel his body heat there, the recognition that Tim was still alive somehow. That his heart was till beating and blood was pumping through his veins. But it never came. That was all snuffed out years ago when Jason found Tim’s lifeless form in their apartment. His body was surrounded by blood and his cold hand was outstretched. Reaching for his bo staff that was lying just out of reach. His beautiful blue eyes that had once held such a great spark were lifeless and dull.

Tim guided him down until their lips met for one last kiss. Jason felt like his very soul was breaking with how tender it still was, his mind searching to remember exactly what this kind of kiss used to feel like. He wanted to hold and cherish that memory forever. He knew that a part of himself was finally being put to rest with Tim after all of these years.

“Thank you for loving me,” Tim said as he pulled back. Jason watched as he faded in front of his eyes, even as more tears fought to cloud his vision. It was almost as though a wind that couldn’t be felt was blowing him away bit by bit, sweeping him off to both fade into the past and become immortalized for eternity: past, present, and future. Finally taking Tim to where he belonged. Was supposed to have been for years.

Jason blinked his eyes to clear away the tears and looked around himself, orienting his mind with the present. The past was done. This chapter of his life was closed and he might just be able to move on with life. He would always love Tim-that was a fact of who he was. It was part of his identity that he would never be able to let go, but that didn’t mean he had to suffer for it. Jason bent over and set his helmet down on the floor. He took a steadying breath and stepped forward, finally able to look towards the future and leave his bloody and gory past behind once and for all.

[my-one-love-is-music]

Be My Player 2? Ch. 11

I'm really looking forward to sharing this chapter. Like really, really. It was super fun to write and I hope that you're ready to read it.

Thank you to everyone who has read so far and started following along! We've come so far already and I'm looking forward to where this story is going to go and I hope y'all will continue to lend me support along the way!

Also on AO3!

Keith blinked, bringing himself out of yet another daze. He was trying to seriously focus, but it just wasn’t happening for him. He’d let himself get plenty of sleep the night before, well that morning, after going to bed at 3am because he knew that he would need it if he wanted to get some form of studying done. And yet here he was, unable to focus on his task and the words in front of him, his mind deciding to wander back to Shiro yet again. The traitor. The day before had been bad enough, especially with trying to navigate classes and make sure that he didn’t miss any vital information, especially with mid-terms coming up, but this was just getting ridiculous.

It was already late afternoon and his friends had been messaging him to get the last of the details hashed out for that night. He’d contributed eagerly and was actually looking forward to it. Knew that he needed it because of his levels of stress. Which strangely weren’t bothering him as much as they usually did because all he could fucking think about was Shiro. Keith groaned and let his head fall down onto the text book in front of him. This was really not how this was supposed to go.

He shouldn’t be so focused on someone who he barely knew. Shouldn’t be remembering the light flush that dusted his cheeks and drew attention to the light scar across his nose that he hadn’t noticed before. Or the way that it had highlighted his dark eyes, the soft glow of his computer screen making them illuminated. Or how soft his hair had looked, especially the white streak that came out from the center of his forehead.

“Gahh!!!!” Keith exclaimed, pulling at his hair in frustration. He leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling, letting his hands fall to his lap. “What do I do?”

His phone vibrated on the table and he looked down at it. He reached for it and pulled up the new text from Pidge.

Pidge: Get your butt over here in an hour. We’re getting this party started early.

Keith sighed.

Keith: Sure thing.

It wasn’t like he was getting any work done as it was. If he didn’t get too smashed or worn out after movie night and was competent enough to make it back to his apartment, then he might be able to get a little more studying done later once all other distractions had been taken care of. He hoped he was lucky enough for that to happen anyway.

He walked into his bedroom and started to strip out of the shirt and sweatpants that he’d been in all day so that he could take a shower. Even if he didn’t exactly need one, it would give him time to think and deal with whatever was going on in his brain for once instead of trying to push it to the side in favor of other things. He walked into his bathroom and turned on the water, letting it warm up slightly before stepping under the spray and pulling the curtain closed behind him.

Keith leaned his head against the wall and let the water flow down his back. Normally he wouldn’t give himself time to enjoy the feel of the warmth spreading over him for fear of what it might do to his bill, but he needed a minute to get his thoughts together.

He knew that he enjoyed talking to Shiro and gaming with him. They got along together really well for only knowing each other for such a short period of time. Keith felt like he could tell him anything. He’d already spilled his worst fears to him and was brought back from the edge of what could’ve been a much worse freakout and everything had been fine. They probably even got closer and even strengthened the bond they’d already developed.

And there was no doubt that Shiro was attractive. Keith could see it and knew it. Had been thinking and fixating on that fact all day instead of doing what he needed to be doing which was studying if he didn’t want to fail his mid-terms.

He might like Shiro a little more than just as a friend. But he couldn’t have a crush on him. He just couldn’t! For one thing, they lived several states apart and only knew each other online. Even if they hadn’t even met in person there was no way that Keith could’ve developed feelings that fast. And Shiro probably didn’t even like him anyway so there was no reason to get his hopes up.

Keith pushed himself off the wall of the shower with a new sense of determination. He wasn’t going to let the fact that he found Shiro attractive get in the way of their interactions. He liked having Shiro as a friend and that was all that mattered. He could easily just keep acting the way he’d been acting and keep things normal and relaxed between the two of them. It was no big deal, really. That’s what he thought at least, as he reached for the soap.

Keith pressed the buzzer for Pidge’s apartment and shivered as a gust of wind blew over him. He wasn’t ready for winter to continue getting closer, but it was inevitable, much to his own dismay.

“Yeah?” Pidge’s voice asked over the buzzer.

“Pidge, it’s Keith. Let me up!”

“Sure thing!”

Seconds later he heard the sound of the door unlocking and pulled it open, glad when it shut out the cold behind him. He hurried over to the stairs, knowing better by now than to trust the elevator to get him to Pidge’s floor. He only had to go up to the second floor anyway, so the ride really wasn’t worth it. As soon as he hit the landing and pulled open the door to her floor, he saw Hunk’s head from where it was already sticking out from her doorway. He waved him down the hallway and Keith hurried towards him, slipping through the door and into the apartment.

“Now that you’re here, we can get this party started!” Pidge spoke up from her spot in the kitchen.

Keith laughed. “If you’re hoping for a good party, I hope that you’re the one funding the alcohol store to get it going.”

He walked into the kitchen and saw her furiously cutting at a pizza that she’d just pulled from the oven.

“Sadly, we thought it best not to purchase that kind of alcohol. Especially after the last time.” She paused in her cutting and shuddered. Keith didn’t need a reminder as to what she was talking about. It didn’t end up being a good evening. They thought that it would be the best way to celebrate the end of the school year, but bad things happened. Very bad things.

“Anyway, grab a beer. I’m almost done getting this cut and then we can eat and you can tell us what’s been going on.”

Keith’s hand froze, outstretched to one of the available bottles on the counter. “What’s been…what do you mean?” He forced his hand to move and wrap around the bottle, cool condensation seeping into his skin even as he picked up the bottle opener and pulled the top free quickly.

“You were completely out of it yesterday!” Hunk exclaimed. “If something is bothering you, you know you can talk to us about it. Is something wrong with your job?”

“You aren’t having a problem with financial aid or anything right?” Pidge asked, watching him.

Keith put his hands up in front of him, trying to wave away their concern. “No! No, nothing’s wrong. I’ve still got my job and my financial aid is fine.”

“Then what had you so distracted?” Pidge asked, letting her hand that wasn’t holding the pizza cutter fall to her hip.

He looked between his two friends, wondering just how much he could afford to tell them. How much he wanted to tell them. It wasn’t like everything surrounding Shiro was completely unbelievable. He was a real person who Keith had gotten to know. A real person who Keith might like a little more than he should.

“Well…” Keith began. “A while back I was playing Voltron one night and teamed up with this other guy. We worked really well together and started to make it a regular thing to do missions and stuff. He convinced me to get a headset and then we started talking and kept working together and have just become really good friends I guess…”

Keith trailed off and nervously looked between his two friends, unsure of what their reactions would be.

“Well, that’s not so bad.” Hunk said at the same time Pidge squealed.

“Oh my God! You have a crush!”

“What?!” Hunk and Keith stared at her.

“You so do! That’s why you were so out of it yesterday. You like this guy!”

Keith felt himself flush. “Well-that’s-I-I mean-Pidge-“ he cut himself off with a pitiful whimper and buried his face in his hands.

“Okay, everyone take some pizza and grab a seat. We are going to spend tonight learning more about Keith’s crush and then maybe watch a movie if we have time.”

Keith piled a couple of slices on his plate and trudged into the living room, letting himself fall onto the end of the couch. He picked up his first slice and grabbed a bite as his friends joined him.

“First of all…what’s his name?” Pidge asked.

“Shiro,” he said very reluctantly.

“And how much do you know about this ‘Shiro?’” Hunk asked, his defensiveness over his friend already rising.

“He lives in Florida and is in university like us. We’ve, um…we’ve skyped a few times actually so he definitely doesn’t look like a creeper,” Keith laughed awkwardly, trying to make it seem less weird.

“Wait, you’ve skyped?!” Pidge exclaimed. “Well, what does he look like?”

“Uh…he’s Japanese. He’s got black hair, but there’s this white streak that sticks out from the center of his forehead.” Keith soon forgot about his friends watching him intently, getting lost in his memories of Shiro. “He’s got dark grey eyes and this barely-there scar that goes across his nose and…what?” he asked, noticing how his friends were watching him with matching smiles.

“Yup, you definitely have a crush on him.” Pidge said, falling back into the couch and making herself comfortable. “So have you asked him out yet?” she asked around a mouthful of food.

“What? No! I can’t ask him out!”

Hunk stared at him. “Why not?”

“Because what if he doesn’t even like me? I don’t want to make things weird between us.”

Pidge hummed.

“Has he done anything that seemed a little out of character for him? Maybe something along the lines that indicated it was more personal?” Hunk asked.

“No? I don’t think so. I mean, last night instead of gaming we just watched this anime.” Keith looked up from his food and found his friends staring at him again. He was getting real tired of that, real fast. “What?” he asked, exasperated.

“That sounds like more than friends to me,” Hunk said. “That sounds like a date.”

“Whatever.” Keith felt his face heat up and was ready to stop talking about this. It was already giving him a headache and a torturous feeling of embarrassment. “Can we just drop it and watch a movie?”

“Sure, but try not to zone out and obsess over Shiro the whole time,” Pidge said, grabbing the remote.

Keith groaned and let his head fall back against the couch. He never should’ve told his friends any of this information. It was no doubt going to continue to come back and haunt him every day for the rest of his life. He just hoped that he wouldn’t be too distracted during the film. The least that he could do was try and pay attention to what was on the screen. This was supposed to be time with his friends after all and he hadn’t gotten a night in with them for a while.

He managed to grasp at least half the plot and what had happened by the time the end credits were rolling. As much as he wanted to forget about Shiro, his traitorous brain kept dredging up memories and events, and his fucking face to so helpfully remind him of his little problem.

“Okay, that’s it,” Pidge said, reaching for the remote and shutting off the T.V.

Keith looked at her. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Pidge smiled at him to reassure him that it wasn’t anything bad. “It’s obvious that you’ve been having trouble paying attention, so I think it’s best if we just call it a night.”

Keith sat up to object.

“Yeah, I’m feeling pretty beat too,” Hunk broke in. “And I need to make sure that I’m up relatively early tomorrow to get some studying done.”

“Yeah, okay,” Keith said, standing up and shrugging on his jacket. “We should do this again soon.”

Pidge followed him over to the door. “Yeah, and maybe next time you can invite your boyfriend,” she said, pulling the door open.

Keith spluttered and whirled around to protest, but was met with a door in his face and the muffled sound of Pidge’s laughter.

“Jerk,” he muttered petulantly before heading towards the stairs. He felt a little bad that they were cutting their night short because of him and his inability to pay attention, but it was probably for the best. Keith had studying to do too and he’d have more time to catch up with them after mid-terms were over.

The sidewalks were still filled with a number of people on their way to socialize. They were dressed to go out for drinks or out to eat, taking advantage of the chance to enjoy themselves. Keith just wove through and past them, more than happy to leave them to do what they wished and make his way to his own home instead.

He walked straight through his apartment and landed heavily on his bed, facedown. All of the muscles in his back immediately relaxed at once and drew a long groan from his lips. He rolled onto his side and let his eyes slide shut. He wasn’t quite tired enough to fall asleep, but it felt good to take a moment to relax and not focus on anything or think about anything. Or try to not think about someone.

He gave himself a mental count to thirty. “Okay,” he said, pushing himself into a sitting position and shoving off his jacket. He kicked off his shoes and walked back to the kitchen where he left his books from earlier. Keith opened his laptop and pulled up Spotify to start his studying playlist. If there was any way that he was going to make it through a couple hours of intense and focused studying, then this was going to be it. He’d struggled the rest of the day, but this time he could do it.

He absentmindedly tapped his pencil along to the beat on the tabletop as he worked to commit the words and theories to memory. He felt motivated, like he could pull off mid-terms with ease. He wasn’t sure where his new confidence came from, but he was going to hold onto it for as long as it lasted.

Until a notification sounded that was obviously not from the music.

“Don’t look, Keith,” he said flipping to the next page of his notes and pulling his textbook closer to check the information made sense. “Don’t fucking look.”

Keith made it through another page of his notes, throwing in more details where he thought it was necessary, and pleased that he added them back in from memory instead of copying them from the book, when another notification sounded from his computer. He groaned and let his head fall forward onto his notebook.

“Fine. Fine, what is it?” he lifted his head a fraction and saw that he had two messages on Skype. And who else would they be from but Shiro.

Shiro: Lol, I thought that you were supposed to be hanging out with your friends tonight.

Shiro: Unless you are and just left your computer open and I’m messaging no one at the moment.

Keith fought to keep himself from replying right away. Shiro’s words were giving him an out. He didn’t have to respond. He could just leave it alone and go back to studying and no one would be the wiser.

“Fuck, I hate myself,” he said before sitting up and pulling his computer towards him.

Keith: We decided to call it a night early. I was just trying to get some studying done since I wasn’t very productive this afternoon.

Shiro: Ah, sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you while you’re working. I can leave you alone and let you get on with your studying since you’ve got tests coming up.

Keith: It’s alright, really. I don’t mind.

He didn’t mind. He really didn’t mind. And fuck it all if that didn’t worry him at least a little bit.

Keith: I’m sure that you’ve got stuff that you need to work on too.

It was a somewhat desperate attempt. And he hated that he was grasping for anything. For any something.

Shiro: I mean, yeah, I’ve got homework that I need to work on. Hey, did you want to study together?

Keith felt his heartrate pick up. This was bad. This was so very bad. He’d only end up getting distracted. He should tell him no. He should tell him that he really preferred to study alone and not with his friends and that he wouldn’t get much studying done because he would only want to hang out and talk or do something else. He placed his hands on his keyboard and willed himself to type out the words. Willed himself to tell Shiro that they couldn’t, because he was already terrified of the feelings blooming in his chest like the bright flowers that came after a cold, harsh winter.

Keith: Sure, I don’t mind. As long as we get some actual work done and you don’t coerce me into watching more anime or playing Voltron.

Seconds after Keith’s message was sent, the call came through. He took a steadying breath before accepting it and was met with Shiro’s grinning face.

“I promise that I won’t distract you. I’ll be good,” he said, laughing.

Keith swallowed. This was not good. This was not good at all. Shiro was wearing a tank top and his bangs were clipped up and out of his eyes. But a few strands had gotten loose and were framing his gorgeous face. He smiled, probably a little shakily, but worked to compose himself.

“You better be.” He was relieved when his voice at least sounded normal, because he was utterly, utterly fucked.