#mmmh i think ive said most of the things i wanted to say

[mcl-pauly]

What are your takes and feelings about each Vampire and Eloise so far Pauly ? Sorry is someone asked this already :3

Oh I’ve never shared my opinions about ML in details before haven’t I?

I like Eloise! I find her hilarious and I like that she stands up for herself. Most of her reactions makes sense to me from what I can remember right now, the most annoying thing about her that I can think of is when she’s being jealous of another female character, because it doesn’t feel nice to play a character that’s insecure, but so far this is the only thing that bothers me about her character. And I actually like the way she’s dressed lolol wish they had kept her hair black though.

Vladimir was at the bottom of my ranking when the game was released... and he stayed there once I finished his route. I got sick of his mood swings by chapter 5 I think? He has his cute moments but him and Eloise are always arguing in his route. She is also always the one making efforts to make him come out of his shell, then 10 seconds later he’d become cold again.. it was just tiring. His neutral ending actually kind of redeemed him for me (not that I wanted him to die lol) because... I... like tragic characters I guess? I dunno, it kinda made me wanna go back to try and understand his character a bit more, at a moment where I was just sick of him. I wish they had focused on his depression more.

I wanted to drop Beliath’s route when I finished his first chapter. I was uncomfortable (I swear, who was it at Beemoov who decided the Crush would assault Eloise in the first chapter) and I had to spoil myself (which I hadn’t planned on doing when I started the game) up to chapter 3 to motivate myself to continue. And it was the BEST DECISION EVER. By the end of chapter 5, Beliath became my fav vampire. The Don Juan act can be off-putting in the beginning but I SWEAR it gets 100% better the more you progress into his route. His major default is that he’s a bit secretive but once his secret his revealed, it’s just... amazing. He’s so nice and playful, he’s respectful of Eloise and considers her as his equal. It’s the only route so far where the Crush acknowledges that the Chalice bond sucks (when on the other hand, Vladimir says that he “owns” Eloise up until chapter 9)... He’s just really good. I love him. And he’s also so nice when you’re not on his route. When Beliath says that he’s the best choice... maybe you should trust him.

When they revealed Ivan’s portrait back when the game was in development I thought he would be one of my fav... but when the game actually came out... well... let’s say that he wasn’t one. It’s not even because of the fact that he’s responsible for Eloise’s death... I don’t know, I guess the chemicals in my brain changed by the time the game came out lol. Anyway, he was kinda in the middle in my ranking, but he dropped hard once I started his route. He has his cute moments just like Vladimir, but he is... really bad-tempered. His relationship with Eloise is not healthy (they argue a lot too) and maybe it’ll get better but we’re already at chapter 6 and I don’t see any signs of the plot actually addressing the problems they had in the first chapters. I don’t like this weird dead lover trope they’re using for his route, Eloise is always either blaming herself or Constance for Ivan’s behavior and it’s just URGH girl, drop him and go get dicked down by Beliath already would you now. I’m actually enjoying his character more if I just ignore the romance parts (yeah, I’m invested in the Constance-Loic-Ivan drama, sue me).

I don’t really have much to say about Aaron right now. He’s in the middle in my ranking and I actually got more interested in his character after the game came out. He’s been nice so far and he can be really playful I think. I hope his bluntness will help us avoid spending entire chapters on secrets and stuff. Oh and I hope his route will give us lotssss of lore, considering Aaron is the oldest vampire in the manor.

Raphael is really nice and kind. Unfortunately, I have this very specific brain rot that makes me unable to like decent fictional men. Bottom of my ranking you go. It doesn’t mean that I’m not interested in his character though, I actually find it hilarious that he’ll gladly answer Eloise if she asks him about personal infos on the other vampires, but flatly refuse to say anything about himself if Eloise dares to ask. What are you so mysterious for, Jester boy. If ur kindness was genuine you wouldn’t be hiding things from me, Jester boy. Maybe if I bully him enough, I’ll love him by the time his route is released.

Ethan is an asshole. Unfortunately, I have this very specific brain rot that makes me like fictional bad boyz. It’s noticeable that he cares despite the layers and layers of snarks and I think that’s sweet. Now, I adore him in Beliath’s route, but I despise him in Ivan’s. I hate the way he’s behaving in it or the way he’s talking to Eloise, it just goes too far! In Bel’s route, he’s provocative but playful but in Ivan’s he’s straight up unsufferable. On another note, he’s also a character that will flatly refuse to say anything about himself if Eloise dares to ask so I can’t wait to learn more about his past.

[houseki-no-suffering]

Pssst.... gush about some thing you’ve wanted to for so long but haven’t found the ask to do so! I really like reading your metas or off-the-wall posts.

aw ty!

mmmh usually i just crank out a random meta when i feel like it, which i havent had the energy to do in a while. so have a lot of hcs about gem language, gem society and how it resembles a totalitarian system cause why not, this is already a dystopia. 

goes from cute to shady real quick, have fun

Gem Vocabulary

gems have no gender, they dont age, they dont reproduce. the whole vocabulary about relationships, aging and sex must be completely different in gem language. they probably lack a lot of words we commonly use, and have unique words for things we dont have (like winter duty, patrol duty... i wouldnt be surprised if gem language had unique grammatical features for those)

this is one of the reasons why its so unfair of aechmea to call cairn ‘wife’ and ‘princess.’ the gems have no concept of wife-ness, we dont know if a gem equivalent of marriage exists, but its definitely much, much different from what the lunarians (and us) perceive as one.

do gems have anything akin coming of age? this could be weird bc gems can potentially live forever, but they can also be abducted by the lunarians at any time, so who’s to say how long a lustrous will live? how do you calculate being ‘of age’? is it by calculating the average life-span of a gem? 

how do they measure time and seasons? we know they have winter and summer and phos mentions ‘spring’ in chapter 20, but what about months and lunar phases? do they have words for that or are months just too small a timeframe for the immortal lustrous to utilize? how do they measure time? in hours and seconds? weeks? different units altogether?

Gem Relationships

similarly, gem relationships are codified in a completely different way. we know they have a concept of romance bc dia ships phos and shinsha and makes comments here and there about other gems being in love. 

at the same time, the relationships btw alexandrite and chrysoberyl, padpa and rutile, ghost/cairn and lapis etc are little different from ‘pure’ sibling/sibling relationships or senpai/kohai relationships.

this is not to say that they’re all romantic in nature, but the way they’re codified in canon (especially in the way the characters grief for their partner) makes me think that even if the gems have no blood/physical kinship with one another they have a very articulated system of establishing family bonds.

dia and bort are clearly siblings, but the same can’t be said, for example, for rutile and padpa, even if they were partners and even if they display a similar junior/senior relationship. this means that relationships are predicated on something else in hnk, and kinship, family and romance are all codified in a different way.

think of vulcans in star trek: physical contact such as two fingers touching, holding hands and kissing is unknown of (save for very specific circumstances). and vulcan people have a completely different way of expressing intimacy and romance than humans. 

this makes me think: just how many canonically romantic relationships are there in hnk (if any) that we’re simply unaware of bc the way gems codify and express romance is so different from ours? is romance even common? rare? perceived as weird? useless? 

what about other relationships? the gems use ‘little brother/ older brother’ but what if this is just japanese approximations? what kind of relationships can lustrous language really express and how different are they from ours?

Imagination

as @ruddy-rutile​ pointed out some time ago, the gems lack a concept of fantasy. thats why i posted that panel about alex’s original lunarian designs. sure, it’s funny, but it also makes you think: these gems are not raised to think outside the box and they can do it without being told so only under exceptional circumstances.

of the vast library of texts that ghost (and lapis) used to take care of, just how many are novels and fiction? none of them? a small amount? a decent amount? in a society thats as focused on practicality, efficiency and conservatism as the lustrous’, how is fiction perceived if perceived at all? 

is there art? red beryl’s craft comes very close to art when they express their feelings about ‘fashion for fashion’s sake,’ but it’s an exception that the other gems find hard to grasp.

phos is often told to stop fantasizing about the world and get things done, the only tale we know the gems are told is the actual story of how their world came to be. the gems always talk about real things, stuff that happened, and make and do things that have a practical use. 

even bort’s jellyfish diary is just made up of a recollection of what happened when they tried to feed them. still, the fact that bort names the jellyfish makes you think that these rocks do have potential for fantasy, theyre just not used to it

Totalitarianism and Privacy

to make this even more shady, here’s your gentle reminder that:

- gems’ rooms have no doors. the only door ive been able to find is the one in shinsha’s room (ch 2) and that is because shinsha’s room is closed off to other people and full of mercury. its like putting a patch on smth you dont want to deal with (much like shinsha’s whole character arc tbh)

- the gems have little to no free time. or their free time can be revoked any time in case an emergency occurs, sensei is napping etc. the gems’ time is rigorously managed by jade, euc and sensei. each gem has a place to be and a time to be.

this means that a missing gem can be found at all times and slackers can be identified very easily. they all have a job and they have to follow it. this is not to say that they have no fun ever, but leisure time is rare and (at least as far as we know) its not contemplated when tasks are assigned each day.

the mere fact that there is a morning assembly and tasks are assigned each day makes you think. is this communism? is this totalitarianism? but most importantly, is this a scary dystopia that hits you in the face like a brick the third time you reread ch 2?   

- sameness > equality. i already went over this in the past. gems society underlines sameness and conformity over anything else. the gems think theyre equal but theyre actually ‘similar.’

a system based on equality emphasizes differences so that every individual can do the best with what they have got and get back what they need, according to their personal needs. 

these gems emphasize sameness: everyone is upheld to the same standards, even when those standards dont match with a gem’s unique characteristics (ie phos cannot be a fighter, no reason to keep saying stuff like ‘if only you were stronger/you’re useless’ etc. they’re a rock with an imagination in a world where dull reality is the rule. just make them write theater plays and play with slugs with shinsha, wth)

It’s real 1984 hours:

all of the above means that:

- your sense of self is subordinated to the group. if you dont belong you’re simply a nothing. at times, the gems almost display a collective consciousness (a pretty hostile one too): everything must be decided together and done together

- you are what you do. gems identify completely with their job. thats why a job is so important, thats why this system is so fucked up. self worth is not inherent, it depends on what you can do. talk about a breeding ground for mental health issues 

- you dont have a saying in picking your career or deciding for you future. thats up to sensei (and maybe euc and jade). unless you have a very strong affinity with a certain task (like red beryl and alex)

- youre expected to follow orders all the damn time. no matter how much sensei wants his gems to exert free will, they still prefer to do what theyre told. ill admit, its much easier than taking your life in your hands and decide what youre gonna do with it, but damn if it isnt depressing. and childish

- euclase and sensei are the authority. sensei and euc are the powers that be. in the sense that they assign tasks, they decide on times and battle plans, on purpose etc. lets not forget that euc was the one to take on sensei’s role after he ‘resigned.’ 

i wonder what would happen if euc were abducted and the gems had no one to follow anymore, no orders. who’d be the new leader? would there be one? lets not forget that no matter how gentle euc is, phos is shit scared of them.

- thought police is a thing. to end this meta on what is probably the shadiest note: surveillance is a thing. the gems report on each other, it’s thought police, no sugarcoating this. 

there’s no privacy, no secrets. even antarc reads rutile’s diary. this goes from cute and childish (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’) to absolutely fucked up (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’)

[thomothysdoodles]

1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 17, 18, 20, 23, 26, 17, 28, 31, 32, 35, 37, 38, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67,, 68, 69, 70, 71, 73, 74, 75, 85, 86, 87, 88, 90, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 98

I am so sorry, I literally have no idea what came over me

Wow Lulu you really said ‘let’s ask this bitch EVERYTHING’. I love it tho lmao. Since it’s long imma put it under the cut tho

4. How did your elementary school teachers describe you?

“A pleasure to have in class, a bit lost in their mind, if they committed and focused more they’d excell but they settle for good grades”

From elementary to high school lol

5. Do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I like soda cans

6. Pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Somewhere between tomboy and grunge I think

8. Movies or tv shows?

Tv shows

9. Favorite smell in the summer?

Sunscreen and freshly baked bread

11. What do you have for breakfast on an average day?

A cup of milk with some cereal or biscuits. For the past month I’ve been following the keto diet tho, and I usually are some ricotta with peanut butter for breakfast

12. Name of your favorite playlist?

“Sad but vibing” lol

14. Favorite non chocolate candy?

Strawberry lollipops

17. Most frequently worn pair of shoes?

A black vans pair, I bought em in August but the left one already got a hole on the front 😤

18. Ideal weather?

Cloudy but not too windy or cold. I just don’t like the sunlight in my face

20. Preferred place to write?

On my phone’s notes app lol, I’ve got almost two thousand notes in here

23. Strange habits?

I hide stuff in my room with no apparent reason. I’ve got money stashed around my room in four different points lol

26. Favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Given the chance, I like to race with my bike to get some refreshing wind

27. Favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Cozy up in a blanket and watch some tv

28. Five songs to describe you.

Karma— AJR

Ultimately— Khai Dreams

Putting a spin on Slow Dancing in the Dark— egg

Mars— YungBlud

Gotta be a Reason— Alec Benjamin

31. What outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Black jeans, black sturdy boots, and a silly little hoodie lmao

32. Top five favorite vines?

‘DONT FUCK WITH ME, IVE GOT THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’

‘Let me see what you have!’ ‘A KNIFE!’ ‘NO!!!’

‘Hey bro, what do you wanna eat?’ (‘The souuuls of my enemies’) ‘A bagel’ (‘NOOO’) ‘..two bagels.’

FR E SH A VOCA DO

‘Two shots of vodka..’ *pours half a bottle of vodka*

35. Average time you fall asleep?

I am terrible at this. I love sleeping but I also love feeling ✨ unbothered ✨ doing whatever I want in the middle of the night. So, never before 3am usually

37. Suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase

38. Lemonade or tea?

Tea

40. Weirdest thing to happen at your school?

I dunno how weird it is, but I always found peculiar that there were cigarette butts on the ceiling of the bathrooms. Like, seven feet tall ceilings. How did those cigs get there??

41. Last person you texted?

My best friend to tell her that my sister found a way to let me watch supernatural on American Netflix >:3c

42. Jacket pockets or pant pockets?

Jacket pockets

43. Hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie and/or jean jacket

44. Favorite scent for soap?

I dunno. Talcum powder I think

45. Which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Superhero

46. Most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Tee and boxers. Sometimes socks too

48. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Umh. Clementines maybe. Easy to peel, sweet but also not, sometimes with seeds.. and some people loathe the little white stripes they have and they spend hours peeling those away

49. What saying or quote do you live by?

“Like any / unloved thing, I don’t know if I’m real /when I’m not being touched.” —Natalie Wee

50. What made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

My best friends always make me wheeze, it can be the stupidest dumbest thing ever, I’m really fucking easy to amuse lol

51. current stresses?

My driver license my driver license my driver license my driver license my driver license my d

52. Favorite font?

I have no idea. This one? Lol

53. What is the current state of your hands?

Good. I just cut my nails, I really wanna put some nail polish but my dad comes back home tomorrow and he always looks me weird when I put it

55. Favorite fairy tail?

The little mermaid

56. Favorite tradition?

A tradition I have with my friends is that when we celebrate someone’s birthday, we go to the thrift shop and buy them stupid stuff to wear or put on. On my birthday a couple days ago I had to wear playboy bunny ears and a black glittery bow tie lol. Once I bought my best friend a tiny pirate hat, and for another my friend took a boa with pink feathers lol

57. The 3 biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Mmmh

I’m having a hard time with my parents since I dropped out of uni but I think I’m starting to overcome it finally

When my parents were about to divorce and in was dreading the idea of moving from this city

That time in middle school I spent a couple weeks at the hospital to run a bunch of neurological tests

58. Four talents you’re proud having?

I’m pretty good at multitasking

It’s very difficult to enrage me (yes I consider it a talent)

I can juggle lol

I can read in moving cars/trains etc without getting sick :D

59. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“What the f—“

61. Favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/ etc?

“Happiness isn't in the having. It's just in the being. It's in just saying it.” Aka Castiel’s love confession (OF COURSE I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING DESTIEL RELATED)

62. Seven characters you relate to?

No specific order:

Dean Winchester

Eric Derekson

Jake Peralta

Doug Eiffel (👀)

Tony Stark

Klaus Hargreeves

Diego Hargreeves

63. Five songs that would play in your club?

Anything from P!ATD

Bang!— AJR

Natural— Imagine Dragons

Anything from Set It Off

Maniac— Conan Gray

64. Favorite website from your childhood?

I didn’t use computers in my childhood lol

66. Favorite flower(s)?

Fresias 💕

67. Good luck charms?

I used to keep in my pocket a little hazelnut my dad gave me once telling me that it was a good luck charm. I took it away tho. I dunno, maybe my rings

68. Worst flavor of any food of drink you’ve ever tried?

I have to admit I never tasted it, but the smell of truffle literally makes me gag, so that

69. A fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Apparently your love language is both the one you give AND want love, and also the one you most lacked growing up. So. Mull that over.

70. Left or right handed?

Rightie

71. Least favorite pattern?

Holey ones. Make my sight go double

74. At what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an Advil of ibuprofen?

A seven I guess. I usually try to sleep off anything I have, I hate to take medicines, and loathe to call the doctor lol

75. When did you lose your first tooth?

Around.. six I think?

85. Fairy tails or mythology?

Mythology forever

86. Cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies 🍪

87. Your greatest fear?

That the other shoe will drop and I’ll be alone and lonely

88. Your greatest wish?

To have enough stubbornness to do what I wish to do without getting demoralized so easily

90. Luckiest mistake?

Me and one of my best friends got to know each other through other common friends, and once they both couldn’t come and we ended up spending the day together. We had lots of fun, but we also got drunk and I lost my mcfreaking watch lmao

92. Lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Lamps

94. Favorite season?

Winter ❄️

95. Favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr! (And the music one. And the podcasts one. And— jk lol)

[chasseurdeloup-retired]

Older and Far Away || Alain and Kaden

TIMING: Not long after Tommy’s death LOCATION: Hospital PARTIES: @carbrakes-and-stakes and @chasseurdeloup SUMMARY: Alain confronts Kaden after his run in with Tommy in the woods.

Kaden hated hospitals. He hated staying in them. He hated being in them. He hated them more when he felt like he put someone else in them. It meant he was trapped there, feeling guilty and waiting and he didn’t have to be there. Which was a lie. He had to be there. Even if this wasn’t his fault, Kaden had to be there. It was just what he had to do for his friend. If the situation was reversed, he was sure Alain would feel the same. So he sat there and waited outside the room, watching as doctors and nurses went in and out. He wondered when he should go in and wait inside but he didn’t feel ready yet. He wasn’t sure Alain was either. But he was going to be there and he was going to wait. Maybe he should have grabbed a book or something to keep his mind occupied while he waited. Of course, it probably wouldn’t have made a difference one way or the other. He couldn’t keep his mind off of what happened, couldn’t focus on anything else. When the doctor came out of the room again, Kaden figured it was now or never. He was likely awake. And it had been long enough since he checked in. Maybe his friend would actually want to see his face. Wouldn't blame him if he didn’t, though. “Hey,” he said softly as he tapped on the door before walking in. “I, uh, there’s food here. That I brought. If you want. The dogs are fed and walked. Um…” His voice trailed off. He didn’t even know where to begin. Asking if he was okay was pointless. “How are you feeling? You know, other than shitty.”

Alain also hated hospitals. He hated them so much he usually left during the night, when he knew no one was going to bother stopping him. In White Crest, the hospital staff was easily overwhelmed, and he often wondered how worse it would be, if it weren’t for hunters. He would never be able to hunt ever again, this much he knew. Aside from the pain, or the obvious absence of his limb, Alain’s thoughts went to his duty, that he no longer would be able to fulfill. 47 years old and good for the scrap yard. Heh, for a hunter, this was quite good. Most of them did not live this long, and now that he was injured, he’d probably live long enough to outlive much younger hunters.

Putain. Would he outlive Kaden? Lost in his thoughts, he responded mechanically to the doctor and the nurse’s questions and demands. How are you doing this morning? How do you feel? Is the medicine strong enough? Any side effects? Then the doctor left, the nurse helped him clean up without touching the bandages, helped him change, helped him get back in bed, and made sure he had everything he needed. Then she left. She had left his reading glasses in the bathroom. Well great. Pinching at the bridge of his nose, he picked up the book on the bedside table and started to have a look at it. That’s when he heard the knock on the door. Was it the nurse coming back? Non. “Hi,” alright, he could do this. He did not want food, he barely had managed to finish the soup provided by the hospital. His appetite just wasn’t there. “Maybe later,” he replied, forcing himself to smile politely briefly, turning his head to put down the book and get rid of that fake expression on his face. An air of melancholy started to appear on his features, one that he got rid of almost immediately. “Thanks for walking them. I hope they aren’t too worried,” he frowned, scratching at his cheek. This was another thing he had been thinking of lately. He had had a lot of time to think, but that did not mean that all his thoughts made sense. Not even close. “I’m okay,” he assured him. The obvious absence of one leg under the covers told a different story, as did the IV, or the even more obvious : he was in a damn hospital.

Kaden knew damn well he wasn’t going to eat the food he brought. He sat the tupperware and utensils on the bedside table anyway before settling down into the chair. “Maybe later,” he echoed. What he couldn’t manage to echo was the traces of smiles and politeness that Alain was pulling onto his face. He leaned forward in his seat, forearms crossed and leaning against his leg. “Don’t mention it,” he said quickly. Maybe too quickly. He was fairly certain he wasn’t going to stop feeling like shit over this whole mess anytime soon. “They’re fine, they’re good boys. I’m sure they’d rather have seen you than me, but, uh, yeah.” Shit. Walking them in general was out for a bit with him, wasn’t it? No, he needed to stop thinking about what Alain’s life would be like now. He didn’t know. Neither of them did. It would surely be different and hard for a while, maybe a long while, but it wasn’t like this was the middle ages. And he wasn’t dead. He still had plenty he could do. Maybe he even got to be normal. Shit. “You don’t have to lie to me,” he said, voice tight, smaller than he wanted it to be. He couldn’t command mastery of these sorts of conversations like Morgan could. But he could try. “If you’re not okay. Or want me to go you can say so.” I’d deserve that, he thought.

Alain nodded. It was not much, and he did not expect anyone to buy that he was fine, but when you had spent your whole life with the belief that you had to be brave, no matter what, it was hard to shake it off, when the last thing you were feeling, was bravery. He felt broken, damaged, incomplete, lost, and even though he had had a few people manifest themselves, offering help in many forms, he felt abandoned too. This was something that he hoped he’d never ever have to feel again, after his father’s passing. But in the past few months, he had felt it twice. Right now, and when Evelyn and he went on different roads. Of course, he had had time to think about her these last days, wondering if things would have gone better or worse, had he never had to face a mara in his life. Who knew? Certainly not him.

The conflict laid in the fact that on the one hand, Alain had every right to be angry about what had happened, to be angry at Kaden, or at that stupid bear, at the whole world, and on the other hand, he knew that if there was someone to be furious at, it was him, for putting himself in this position, for following the code when he had so many opportunities to leave town and build a life, a much simpler life somewhere else. He had always known that this could not end well, but stupidly, he always had thought that things would be different for him, that he was special, that things like that only happened to others. How foolish. This was something he would have to live with, his own stupidity, and his ego, as broken as it might have been now.

“Mmmh?” Well, pretending to be fine would prove hard, if he kept getting carried away by his stream of thoughts, Alain told himself. “That’s fine. I’m just not sure my place is going to be suitable for a wheelchair, to be honest” he was not sure yet whether a prosthetic leg could be possible or not. Either way, living in the middle of nowhere would be out of the question anyway. Driving would be too, for a while. Driving stick would be impossible for sure. There were too many incertain things now for Alain to feel comfortable about his future. “If you know anyone in real estate, let me know, alright?” Heh, having easy access to everything would be a nice change, at least. The turn that the conversation was taking, however, was not. Alain resented Kaden for what had happened, but he refused to tell him that, and so he had assured anyone who asked that no, he was not holding a grudge against the other hunter. Lies. He hated those, but he would hate even more for Kaden to be hurt, as he had so obviously shown in the clearing. “Kaden, look,” he rubbed at his face, exhaled and pulled the covers from his leg to reveal the bandaged stump. The other hunter had not seen it (at least a cleaned up version of it) yet, and while there was nothing that could scare an expert hunter here, the absence of a leg was not a sight for everyone. This was his reality now, and if Kaden wanted to get real, he would have to see this. “No, I’m not okay, and yes, you have your part of responsibility, but you already know that, and there’s no point in me adding more to your guilt, is there?” He doubted that Kaden wanted more guilt, but maybe lying to him was not a solution either. “Either way, I would have never ever left you there, in front of that bugbear, alone. I don’t know what happened, I don't know why you froze, and if you want to discuss it, we can, but only if it helps,” it needed to be addressed but Alain doubted that this would be easy. And maybe this would not help, but they had to talk about this.

Kaden awkwardly rubbed his palm against the crook of his elbow, mouth pulling into a thin line. “Right but odds are you won’t need one forever. They talked to you about prosthetics, right? And crutches are probably an option in the meantime, too.” Was he being too hopeful? He wasn’t sure. Funny, he never considered himself an optimist of any sort, not with his life. But more and more he found himself putting more and more hope into things. That they’d get better, that they’d be better, that tomorrow would be different. He had no reason to believe it, either. He supposed some of his friends were rubbing off on him. Whether that was setting him up for disappointment later he wasn’t sure. Probably. His stupid heart didn’t stop hoping, though. There was no denying that the hunter’s life was going to change one way or another. How much was the question now, not if. “You’re going to move?” He shook his head. That seemed like too much, too impulsive. A bad idea. But he didn’t know how to articulate it any more than he did when trying to tell Regan not to live in a shed. Practically speaking, it made sense. It still felt wrong. There was no logic to it, and he hated that, but it didn’t change the matter.

As Alain pulled the sheet of his leg, Kaden kept his eyes trained forward, barely blinking. He wanted to look away, not out of disgust, he’d had more than enough training to be desensitized to gore and injuries, his parents made sure of that. No, he wanted to turn away out of shame and guilt. He didn’t. He clenched his jaw and kept his eyes fixed at his friend instead. For a while, he stood there silently, still unsure of what to say. Apologies seemed both necessary and hollow all at the same time. “I know you wouldn’t have left me.” The words hung in the air for a few moments more. “You shouldn’t have had to make that choice. I failed.” The word hit his stomach like a punch to the gut, but he didn’t let it show on his face. For whatever reason, he felt like he was just a teenager again, reporting his efforts on a hunt to his parents, having to own up to all his mistakes and take the critique. He wasn’t sure why, it’s not like Alain was much like his mother or father on the whole. And yet he fell back in step into the role anyway. “It won’t happen again. I’m not going to let it.” Not that he would be out there with him any time soon, if ever again. Shit. “I made a mistake. If you blame me you should do it. There’s no reason not to. But it won’t happen again.” Maybe if he said it he could mean it. To mean it, he’d have to examine why it happened and it was something he hardly wanted to touch, like a bomb waiting to go off or floodgates about to open up and release the dam.

Both Alain and Kaden came from extremely exigent families, with their ancient guidelines, their codes, and a special set of skills that they had both memorized. Kaden’s abilities as a hunter were not to be questioned, as far as the slayer was concerned. The beast hunter was capable, and he knew werewolves possibly more than any other hunter in this town. But, just like many hunters, both had parents who tried to mold them to their psychological image to the point where learning to think for yourself could take a while. Alain, who had not seen any of his family members for over 20 years still had moments where he caught himself feeling like he was possessed by his own father. This was not something that Alain had ever shared with anyone. Right now, he wondered how his family would feel about this, and it was a relief for him to realize that he had absolutely no idea of how. Would they be proud or disappointed? Who knew. A time would come where he would stop to care about their hypothetical opinion, but today was not that day.

“Crutches are an option. The surgeon was positive about the possibility of a prosthetic leg, but the physiotherapist… well, he’s chatty, and…” What he had to say was not as enthusiastic… Without naming anyone, he still had managed to make Alain very concerned and so, his grimace finished his sentence. Either way, things would be different for Alain. No more hunting either way, although if it all went for the best, he could hope to go back to work. His main problem then would be being able to afford the prosthetic leg. “I would stay in town,” he supposed that this was Kaden’s concern. Where else would he be going anyway? Everyone he knew lived here. “I just don’t want to be in the middle of nowhere, in a two floor house,” he cleared his throat. Clearly, the man was not thrilled about the idea. He liked his house, and he liked his garden even more. Finding a place with one floor, with a garden, in the city center, would be a feat.

A few seconds passed before Alain realized that Kaden would stubbornly keep looking at the damn remains of his legs. Putain de chasseurs. There were all the same, weren’t they. Well, almost the same. Some unpredictability remained, much to Alain’s disservice. The sheets fell back on the stump, and Alain felt the same way he felt each time he did something concerning his leg, he felt like it was still there.

Still, he did not get lost in his thoughts this time. Whether it was the tone or the words, he did not know, but hearing fail had Alain stop what he was doing to look at Kaden directly, which was not something he had done since the moment the man had entered the room. He wished that he had replied right ahead, but there was no point correcting him. Yeah, he did fail, and someone had to pay the price. Still, looking at Kaden say that he would not do it again, he felt like he was looking at a child, or like he had stepped once again into his father’s shoes. “I do blame you, but that does not mean I won’t forgive you,” he could not lie to his face, not when he was looking so vulnerable. Forgiveness was not for today. His heart felt heavy in his chest, yet he could not look away from Kaden, studying his reaction. If he had been capable of that, he would have gotten up, and put a hand on his shoulder, given him a slap on the arm, anything to comfort him. But he could not, and so, he asked him: “Come here, you’re gonna make me cry, andouille.”

Kaden’s face remained blank. As best he could. He tried to keep his expression serious, stoic, something like that. He didn’t want this to be about him. He didn’t need to betray his emotions or beg for pity. That’s what his mother would say. Tears were useless and if he was going to cry he could save it for his pillow. Even though deep down, he knew Alain would never think like that, would never say that, all his training from years past decided now was the time to resurface. Good. He needed the reminder. He put someone in the hospital. He put his friend in the hospital because he was rusty or unprepared or whatever they wanted to call it. The point was he had let his training slide, he let the code slide, and it cost people.

Kaden stood there and braced himself for what was next, the yelling or scorn or anger, perhaps disappointment, whatever was set to boil over from across the way from the man currently bed bound. He waited, ready for something akin to punishment. It was what he deserved. He’d take it, accept it. Only it didn't come. His stoic face shifted to confusion. Kaden tried to tuck it away, erase his emotions, keep them from betraying him and causing more trouble. It grew harder, though, when he was forgiven. “No,” he said reflexively. “No, you shouldn’t--” Kaden didn’t deserve a pass. Of any kind. The guilt sinking deep into his bones told him that he didn’t earn it. He wanted anger or ire or even disappointment, it would be easier. Easier to keep it all inside and push forward. He bit the inside of his mouth and nodded, walking forward. “I’m sorry,” he offered, biting harder on the lining of his lips after he spoke. If he focused on the pain, maybe the rest would subside. The tears could wait for his pillow. He was going to make them.

Alain’s eyebrows furrowed, and he did not even try to hide his confusion. Was it something he said that might have … “I said I will forgive you, I didn’t say that I already have,” that would have been simply inadequate. Alain was not ready for forgiveness. He was furious, even if he tried not to show it. He wanted to scream his anger and his pain at Kaden’s face, and yet, he could not seem to find the words or the energy to do so. He had been lacking energy lately. First he put that on the account of the lack of sleep, the nightmares, but while that certainly made it worse, he was simply tired, torn between his duties as a hunter, his career as a mechanic, his social life, and last but not least, himself. Finding a balance between all four of these things was a near impossible task that he had tried to achieve his whole life. And once in a while, one of those things crumbled. He felt like he was not competent enough, or he watched his social circle crumble with each death of a fellow hunter, or each person who found out who he was. It was like trying to keep your balance while standing on marbles. It crumbled. And inexorably, Alain always fell down. “I’ll never be able to hunt, ever again,” he observed. Not the best thing to say to someone who was apologizing to him perhaps, but this was what he had to say. The words came out colder than he imagined they would have. Maybe this would be how he would express his anger. “Those days are gone, forever,” there was a quiver that tugged at the corners of his mouth,  and the trembling of his voice suggested something else than anger. He was not angry, was he? No, this was wrong. He was simply devastated. Losing this was too much of a price to pay. What would he do if he could not fulfil his mission anymore? He was good for the scrap yard. The thought was like an echo. This was not his first time thinking this. No, that thought came back to him. It had come back to him several times already, these past couple of days.

“I don’t forgive you,” and he might never forgive. Why should he? Did he have to? Was it the right thing to do? Or did he have a right to be furious, to be infuriated that he had to pay for the mistakes of someone else? He had made a choice, he had decided that he would protect him. It was his own fault. His thoughts spiraled again and again as he tried, yet another time, to figure out who’s fault it was.

Kaden stood still and took his comeuppance. He didn’t feel the need to reiterate what he said before. Alain shouldn’t forgive him. If he couldn't forgive himself, why should the man missing a leg? His face remained stoic as Alain made his confession, his jaw clenched as he listened. His first thoughts went to denial, hope, but then he was struck by a question. The very question that kept plaguing him more and more often recently. It kept nagging at him, tugging at his shirt tails. It didn’t help that Regan kept asking it, too. It didn’t help that Oscar assumed the answer for him. But this wasn’t a question for him. It was for Alain. “Do you want to hunt again?” What should have had an easy answer, something that used to be black and white, felt uncertain. He had to ask. No amounts of platitudes or solutions would be right unless he knew that much. There were enough times Kaden didn’t know the answer for himself. But Alain looked broken, in more ways than one. Would Kaden feel the same if he couldn’t hunt again? He used to know. Now he wasn’t sure in the slightest.

“Do I want to hunt again?” Alain repeated the question, but his tone was different as he said those words, as if this was such a foolish thing to ask. Force of habit. This was a question that he had asked himself each time he had ever ended up needing stitches, a cast, or with head trauma. But each time he got back on his feet, and he kept going. Something had changed. Was it years and years of hunting that had ended up breaking something inside, or had this been the last straw? After all, there was no getting back on his feet now. The symbolism of it might have not been the most poetic, but it meant something. “I can’t,” he covered his mouth, his thumb resting on the cheekbone as he thought about it. “I thought that he was going to kill me,” half the sentence was lost in his hand. His chest lifted up even though his heart felt heavy. While the hunter almost never cried, his voice kept on breaking and trembling and the humidity of his eyes betrayed him. He was not sure why he bothered hiding his sorrow, his anger or his pain, in front of one of the few people who could understand it. Once again, he might have been trying to preserve others before taking care of himself. Even when he was not hunting, he always had this urge to protect others, didn’t he. Most of the time, he was incredibly clumsy about it too, but he still tried. “No, I don’t want to hunt again. I don’t want to keep on sacrificing myself for…” For nothing. All his life he had done this, and it never stopped, it was never getting better. You just couldn’t win against a species that could hide and live forever, and also contaminate the rest of the population like a plague. Things would be worse if they weren’t there, but when was the last time someone had been thankful for hunters. He was tired. “I’m so tired Kaden, you will be too, if you live long enough,” he paused. This was the one thing he wanted to discuss. “I don’t know what happened over there, and I don’t understand either what happened but if you can’t fix this, then you should not be out there,” getting himself killed would be all that he would gain.

“I’ve seen hunters in the field with multiple missing limbs, Alain. Can’t might not be the right word.” Kaden tore his gaze from him and wished there was a window, anything to look out of. There was nothing but the soft hum of fluorescent lighting and he didn’t want to sear his eyes looking at those. Floor would have to do for a moment. “We’re some of the most resilient people out there,” he said, looking back at his friend. He didn’t have to say what he meant by we. Hunters knew. They knew better than anyone how many times they got knocked down and got back up, how many times they faced death and lived to fight another day. If anyone could do what felt or seemed impossible, it was them. They did it all the time. This could easily be one of them if he wanted it. But he’d have to want it. And he didn’t. Kaden didn’t know what to make of it, to have that question answered so easily after everything. He’d been wrestling with it himself for months and, hell, maybe longer if he really thought about it. “Okay,” was all he could manage to say. “You might… just. Think about it.” Maybe it was just a knee jerk reaction to everything. Considering. There was no way he could mean that so surely right now. And for as much as he hated thinking about that gnawing, biting question nipping at his heels, he hated the one that came next more. “I-- I’m not sure.” He kept his face stark and blank as he could manage. “I just thought… I’m not sure.” He did have an inkling of why. When he’d looked at the bear back there, he’d seen a person. And he hated himself for it. “It won’t happen again, though. I’ll make sure. I’ll train harder. I’ll-- It’s not going to happen again.”

“It’s not about the damn fucking leg,” Alain had switched to French without even noticing. This change happened whenever the man hurt himself, was struggling to do something, or in this case, letting the anger take over. Sitting straighter in his bed, he breathed in heavily, as an attempt to calm himself down. A failed attempt. He breathed out just as heavily. His blood was pounding so much he could hear it. He wanted to get away from here, just change the subject, and for a second, he contemplated it, his eyes travelling from Kaden to the wheelchair in the corner. Why the fuck was it so far away? Fucking doctors. Fucking hospital. He took a deep breath again. This is fine, he could explain why he had said that. He did not want to, was not used to, he could not. He did not want to complain, he did not want people to have to listen to this crap, think that he was just over reacting, or that this was his fault, which it was really. No one wanted to listen to a grown man complaining. His breathing eventually paced down, growing more silent, as Alain kept on staring blankly at that damn wheelchair, thinking about all that sorrow he had inside of him, that he couldn’t seem to shake off. “You must think I’m a bloody coward,” he finally said.  Maybe he was. There was something cowardly about doing this. Kaden was right, Alain knew plenty of hunters with a prosthetic limb, and he could just get back on his feet, once again, but did he want to? He did not want to. He wanted to retire and pretend to be normal and maybe, if he were lucky, pretending would lead to actually being normal. One could hope. But he did not have much of that these days.

Was it so wrong to want what he had always been denied ? Was it so wrong to get rid of the thing that had cost him so much, ever since he was born ? How many times as a child did he wish he could just go to school, get back home, go to soccer practice and at the end of the day have his mother read him a bedtime story. Or did this only belong in fiction?

“Kaden, this had nothing to do with training. You froze, and then you killed the bear on your own, I did not help,” this had nothing to do with training. “I might be full of shit sometimes, but I also know when someone’s lying to my face,” his eyes finally strayed away from the wheelchair, and he looked at his friend with confusion, and worry. “Sort this out. Talk to me about it, or talk to whoever you want about it, but sort this out. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Kaden bit his tongue, held back his instinct to latch onto the anger, to attach himself to it, and throw it back. He didn’t deserve to be angry, he didn’t deserve to lash out. He did deserve the ire and the contempt and whatever else Alain wanted to throw his way. His gaze started to drop down the floor, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard his mother’s voice sniping at him to look at her when she spoke to him, when she scolded him and corrected him. Though she never lashed out, he always worried that every time could be the one that it changed. “I never called you a coward,” he said, voice as even as he could manage, the words nearly biting, the anger brimming beneath the surface. It wasn’t even directed at the man in front of him. If anything, it was turned inward, burning himself from the inside. He held Alain’s gaze, steady and unwavering, even as the man looked past him. Kaden barely blinked, “Of course this has to do with training,” he snapped back. “If I hadn’t let it-- If I hadn’t let everything slip, then I wouldn’t have frozen.” If he hadn’t second guessed, let his thoughts cloud his judgment, let his life take precedent over his duty. It had everything to do with his training. All his parents had worked for and built him up to be was coming undone. He knew that. He could feel it. And he wouldn’t accept some other explanation, not from a hunter of all people. “I’ll be better. I’ll get better.” All he could hear ringing in the back of his mind was his mother’s words. I don’t need better, I need the best.

“You don’t have to say it,” Alain retorded, once again looking away. Maybe it was the remnants of being the ugly duckling of the family, but Alain periodically had those moments of doubts during which he questioned everything and everyone. It was in those times that he should have been looking out for himself, and try to find out what made him feel so insecure, what made him doubt himself, but it was much easier to tell yourself that others thought that he was this or that. “Sure, it has nothing to do with the question you just asked me,” or with the fact that he seemed to disapprove of Alain’s answer. The older hunter shook his head, his eyebrows low. He did not have a kind look in his eyes, it was closer to a glare of disapproval. Whatever was troubling Kaden, he could not tell, and he felt like he would not get an answer other than this broken record : It’s the training. Tu parles, Charles. “Do you want to stop hunting, Kaden? Is it because of Regan?” Perhaps Kaden wanted to keep her safe, who would he be to judge? If things with Evelyn had been different, he would have done the same for her. “What is going on?”

“If I wanted to say it I would have!” Kaden’s anger got the best of him, boiling over, spilling out. He clenched down on his jaw, trying to swallow it back. He inhaled and pulled it all back inside, tried to put it back in its bottle, save it for later, perhaps. He didn’t need it now. He hadn’t earned it now. Even now that the questions were being turned on him. He bit down harder if it was at all possible, frozen again, just like he was when face to face with that bugbear. “That doesn’t matter. And this has nothing to do with Regan.” His words were harsh and biting. If he had the answer to that, he wouldn't fucking be here, would he? If he had the answer his life might make sense, things wouldn’t have changed and he wouldn’t be wrestling with guilt and shame every fucking day. ‘We’re not talking about me. Not about that. And it doesn’t matter what I want.” It never had. His parents had made that clear from the time he was born. If he wanted to be normal, it wouldn’t ever happen. If he wanted to remain ignorant of the supernatural, it was too late. If he wanted to live a life with less pain it was out of reach. It didn’t matter. What he wanted didn’t change what he was. It wouldn’t undo his life or reset.

Alain’s jaw clenched, but this time he remained silent. There was no point in replying. What good would that do? And so he kept his mouth shut, rested his back against the front of the bed and waited. Perhaps he would calm down, perhaps he would leave. After a while, however, tugging at the corner of the slayer’s lips, there was a small smile. How many times had he been the one with the short temper, yelling all that he had on his heart at someone (who did not deserve that)’s face ? Enough to know that there was no point arguing now. Rubbing at the back of his neck, he looked away from Kaden, sighing. “Ask me that same question in a couple of months,” maybe the other man was right, and he was just over reacting, or maybe this was something he had been troubled with for God knew how long. “Can we talk about literally anything else now, please? I don’t want to argue with you,” maybe it was best to talk as friends, and not hunters. After all, this was where the trouble always came from.

Kaden almost wanted more anger back, felt like he deserved it. But that wasn’t fair to push, to beg for it out of some selfish reason to be proven right, to stack on his own guilt. Instead, he nodded. “Okay.” He didn’t give Alain an invitation to ask it back because he wasn’t sure he wanted that, wasn’t sure he could handle knowing what his answer might be in a few months. Whatever the answer, he was sure it meant losing something. So the easiest thing was to continue walking along a tightrope, knowing full well he’d fall one way or another. For now, it didn’t matter. As long as he didn’t look down. “Sure,” he said, leaning back in the chair, his voice growing softer, almost distant. “We can… We can turn on the tv. I was stuck here with Cece and Grace for a while each. There’s this dumb show about girls who gossip. It’s awful. But I can frighten you with how much I’ve learned about what's-her-face and the other blonde one.” It seemed hollow and stupid, but sometimes that’s all anyone could handle. And it was a decent place to start.

“...” Alain, who could not help it, had opened his mouth to make a comment regarding Kaden’s life choices, but instead he just gave him an openly mocking smile. It was not much, but it might have been the first genuine smile he had given Kaden since he had entered the room. “That sounds perfect, sure,” his hand reached for the remote, which he handed at the other man. “Please tell me all there is to know about what’s-her-face and the other blonde one,” what followed reminded Alain of why he had not been watching a lot of television in the past few years, but if that could appease Kaden, he could suffer through the adventures of rich people whining about the trouble they got themselves into, and there was something almost cathartic about complaining and criticizing those shallow people. “Well, this was terrible.”

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 4 - The Poisoned Chalice

- god fucking dammit here we go again, i'm bloody done with my life and do not, at all, want to see merlin die bc i don't remember anything except that, yeah, he dies and someone has to get off their ass and save the motherfucking day and kiss him

- i realise how much i swear in these posts bc 1. when do i not? 2. i'm emotionally invested 3. i have no other excuse i just like swearing

- AAAND NIMUEHS IN CAMELOT SHE THINKS SHE'S SO SLY WITH HER HEAD THING

- id recognise her in a split second tbfh, she aint subtle

- *heterosexual tension*

- merlins skin be looking so smooth this episode, this boy be wearing lots of Dove

- he looked so excited to be in the banquet, then arthur just fucking slashes him with “not quite” and his hopes and dreams are destroyed

- “wanna see what you’ll be wearing tonight?” arthur says as he's behind the fucking changing curtains, about to get undressed and show merlin his birthday suit

- i honest to god thought that was where he was going, but no, he was just getting something from behind it

- “tonight you’ll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of camelot” IT'S A FUCKING DRESS ISN'T IT

- aw damn id have preferred a dress

- that smile shared between them was the most adorable scene

- god

- i

- fucking

- love

- their

- smiles 

- sm

- best thing ive ever seen

- i mean… hunty look at that piece of glistening butter beauty

- wow ok back to the episode:

- bros being bros and giving each other a handshake to destroy the mortal enemy pack and put together a family, we stan.

- as if a servant who has only had eye sex with another servant ONCE would trust them enough to say that one of the chalices were poisoned. like??? “ur the only one i could tell” LMAO NO?

- she's a sly fucking dog tfbh

- “if he kills arthur, uthers soul will be broken and camelot will fall” at this rate uther prob wouldn't care if his son dies or not, look at him, he's already mentally broken. he has anxiety and paranoia over magic. child services where u at in the medieval ages?

- i wouldn't believe a word she said, or well, id have believed it was poisoned but id say yeah no damn way you aren't in on it if you know which one it is. bayard wouldn't tell a fucking servant.

- HE'S GONNA SNAP ISN'T HE

- MERLIN FUCKING SNAPPED

- yknow what we say here folks? U DO U MERLIN

- okay i was fine if uther made bayard drink it but like the moment uther said “mmmh… no.” and slowly turned to merlin i think my arteries just crunched together and died so

- “if it is poisoned, he’ll die” HE'S FUCKING SCARED MERLIN WILL PASS AWAY ISN'T HE?

- “it's fine” he says, then starts to fucking choke

- ah fuck he's down

- my boy is down

- FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW

- ARTHUR CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM LIKE “BB NO”

- lmfao bayard looks so shocked, his face is in disbelief and confusion, he's like who tf done me bad

- arthurs carrying merlin fireman style this is what i live for folks

- did like nobody notice the flower stuck on the inside of the cup? like honestly if you take a sip you’d kinda spot it or perhaps even the person pouring the drinks would have been “is this chamomile tea? no? then what the fuckery-doo is this leaf in here for?” yknow. it's like that scene in Matilda when the angry buff lady completely missed a fucking salamander in her cup when it was the size of her bloody hand. it brings out the same mood honestly

- does gaius have an index for these books or does he just have every page memorised and know exactly what page to go bc I FUCKING NEED THAT it would make bio so much easier if i knew what page it was on instead of looking back and forth from the homework sheet to my textbook, then closing it by accident and having to find the index again for that specific page i need

- arthur wants to fucking go on a life-or-death journey to save merlin i've never been so happy

- this is honestly my favourite episode, like it may be really fucking angsty but i love it so much

- arthur betrays his dad and leaves his room even after being told not to just so he can save a servants life is literally my new moto

- NO IT WON'T LOAD MY NETFLIX IS STUCK ON 99%

- okay so while i'm waiting for my shit to load, i just discovered the new fucking tumblr rule starting dec 17 and i'm like 0.2 inches away from just spamming NSFW pics on here just for laughs

- like hunty, that won't stop people from posting elsewhere or for thinking about sex bc like??? whatchu gonna do tumblr?? get the fbi to erase it from our minds

- i think nOT thot

- watch me get flagged for just using the fucking term “NSFW”

- i'm gonna end up asterisking everything (is asterisking a word? wow it has red under it so like probably not but i just added it to my dictionary so uhh it is now)

- by asterisking i dont mean furry kin shit ew no

- i mean like N*FW, s*x, t*mblr, m*rthur

- god it took me like 20 minutes to calibrate my fucking wifi and fix the connection problem

- wow the stage for the poison increased by 75% in 30 mins, damn

- merlins like like having a conniption on his bed lmao, chanting arthurs name and sweating lot

- do we ever find out how uther gets that scar bc i'm like 100% positive arthur was a little child and swayed his fucking sword too hard just as uther rounded the corner. the sword then collided into his fucking brain and destroyed a good part of his intelligence, targeting especially his morals on how to accept people and how to be a good father

- that’s my theory

- merlin starts talking enchantments in his sleep while gwens watching, and gaius is just there like wtf merlin ur blowing ur cover “oh! gwen!! uhhh sorry. he’s just... in a latin study group in his pastime and has an oral presentation in minutes”

- omg, nimueh, stfu

- i didn't know dinosaurs existed back then, this reptile be whack

- y’know what's funny? ppl thinking dinosaurs didn’t exist. i find creationism very very very intriguing bc how fucking stupid could you be

- that sword throw was faker than my moms tits

- arthur could have done better

- k but like what if merlin’s hand wasn’t under the covers? like he was just throwing that blue ball around right in front of gwen

- can arthur like not hear her? nimuehs literally enchanting the rocks right behind his ear lobes and arthur acts nothing of it until those said rocks collapse and he gasps and suddenly he realises shes evil

- also his fucking hair in this scene looks glorious. perhaps bc it's pushed back rather than his bowl cut, but its doing things to my abdomen

- i thought for a second she was pulling off her mask to say “nimueh” and arthur was gasping bc he only recognised her after her hair was shown, just like in that scene with joker and harvey in the hospital

- OH RIGHT THE SPIDERS I LIKE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SONS OF A GUNS

- i’d be dead if those spiders came crawling up to eat me lmfao

- k so nimueh went from :) to >:D in half a second

- i'm smelling up those symbolisms, boys

- watch out pals cause here are some of them:

- merlin is the LIGHT of arthur’s life

- he LIGHTS up the party

- he gives arthur a BRIGHTER future

- he's the GUIDE for his path

- hahhahahaha

- i'm serious when i say i have a huge fear of insects (spiders count in that too, no discrimination) so i'm just putting that there, saying to yall id be fucking terrified

- gaius would be so confused, like we don't see his face here but merlins close-up sweaty concentrated frown, but he’s literally just screaming “ARTHUR!!” “FASTERRR!!” “YESS!!” “CLIMB!!!” gaius would be looking like he walked into something he wasn't supposed to. prob thinking he should just let the kid die so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore

- UTHER LOCKED HIS SON AWAY I'M FUCKING QUESTIONING HIS PARENTING SKILLS

- that's grounding???? throwing ur child in prison???

- yes 999 can i have child services on his ass

- gwens so smart honestly i love her

- pretending to be a maiden for the food, god what a queen

- arthur buying it and saying “yuck you say this is food?! disgustang!”

- the fact that i misspelled disgusting but it autocorrected to disgustang (which is originally what i wanted but autocorrect shouldn’t have known) makes me consider if i should really check my dictionary…. who knows what words are on there

- they’re so smart

- and then this fucker ruins it all while eating his food, checking her out and saying yeah arthurs a prick, hyuck hyuck, realising only that wait fuck u aint the maiden

- how’d they know GWEN was the one not supposed to have delivered the food, what if it was that chick right there???

- welll….. maybe it's because gwen took her sweet time up those steps, staring as if she couldn’t blink at the guards below

- i forget what happens at the end of this episode besides the kiss, and there's like 9 minutes left my fingers may rot at this point

- wake him up! wake him up!

- OH WAIT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WAKE UP DOES HE AND EVERYONE PANICS

- YEAH OKAY I'M SEEING THAT NOW

- MERLIN STOPPED BREATHING

- LMAO GWEN IS IN TEARS

- “HE'S DEAD” SHE SAYS

- ARTHUR BB COME IN HERE TO KISS UR HUBBY ALIVE

- OH WAIT UR IN FUCKING PRISON

- WAIT UP, HE'S ALIVE AND SHE KISSES HIM AFTERWARDS????

- FUCK ME I THOUGHT FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE THE KISS HAPPENED BC HE COULDN'T WAKE UP THAT'S FUCKING WITH ME I DIDN'T KNOW

- i keep forgetting to switch up the cap locks, sorry if it seems im screaming im legit using my inside voice for most of the time just emphasizing my words a little more

- goddamn, everytime they say mercia i just think of “murica”, like those americans on the 7th of july or whatever date the “we love our country” day is, chanting it as they throw around beers and fireworks as people gather round in jerseys or crop tops

- it's not that hard to spot the european on here

- the most celebrated holiday here which contains a lot of beers and big pub gatherings (besides every fucking night honestly) is either new years, lowkey stereotypically correct saint patricks, and ig easter monday but that's more for the kiddos

- i mean ofc christmas and all that shit but im not the most devoted christian, i just like presents and small gatherings among good friends

- wow okay it wasn't the 7th of july

- i mean at first i looked up “USA day” (i couldn’t remember the name) and it popped up today’s date, and i was like no thats not it at all. dec?? its in like july i think. and i was close! it was july 4th.

- uther damn knows it's nimueh!!!

- i mean, he just overheard morgana and arthur talk about it, and initiated himself into a convo about it once morgana left, as his sneaky ass just slithered up like “hey man, u know that woman? yeah uhh, what she say? anything about me? no? k i know who it is tho”

- i thought he was going to apologize or like explain to arthur what's the sitch, but he just waits for five whole seconds before saying. “those who practice magic know only evil. they despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it.”

- arthur, confused: sounds as if you know her

- uther, walking away: i do

- arthur:

- wow k lots of fucking quotes here cause it's the merthur reunion

- get ready babs

- arthur: still alive then?

- merlin: oh yes, just about… i understand i have you to thank for that

- arthur, leaning on the chair merlin is sitting in, stifling a smile: ah it's nothing, a half-decent servant is hard to come by. i was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright… i.... expect you to be back to work tomorrow

- merlin, watching arthur as he slightly walks away having embarrassed himself: arthur... thank you

- arthur, slowly: you too

- they stare for like 5 whole seconds

- arthur, uncomfortable: well… get some rest

- there we go folks: my eulogy.

- hope someone reads it at my funeral

[meredith-fabray]

christmas || thea+mer

WHO: Meredith Fabray + Thea Baker WHEN: 12/25 Morning WHAT: Thea and Mer spend Christmas together and open presents. WARNING: Adorableness

@devtheabaker

thea baker

After a lovely Christmas Eve, Thea had slept like a baby with Meredith wrapped in her arms and curled up tightly.  They fit together right, and it made sleep all that much easier when she had a chance to hold the blonde at night.  They hadn't set an alarm for the morning, deciding instead that they'd simply wake when their bodies called for it, and so when her eyes opened on Christmas morning she wasn't entirely sure what time it was.  Nor did she find that she much cared one way or the other, and she made no move to get up.  Instead she focused on Meredith, smiling as she watched her chest rise and fall in the slow breathing of sleep.  She was so beautiful, and it was hard to believe she'd been lucky enough for Meredith to come back into her life.  Truly a Christmas miracle.

Meredith Fabray

It would be a little while until the blonde woke up, at least five or so minutes.  The day before had been a long one, long but enjoyable.  Getting to spend the holiday with Thea was truly a dream come true and she had no regrets when it came to how she left things with her father.  When she finally opened those pretty jade eyes, it was one at a time, squinting up at the brunette and scrunching her nose a little.  ".. Mmmh- how long have you been watching me sleep?"  She teased with a small smile, her voice raspy from slumber.

thea baker

If there was anything cuter than Mer's sleeping face, it was the raspy voice and squint that she had when she woke.  "Only a few minutes," Thea smiled.  "But they were a very good five minutes.  You look very peaceful when you're sleeping."  Especially compared to the stress of the incident with Max and her father, the lines of worry that were becoming too frequent seemed to vanish as she had a restful slumber.

Meredith Fabray

Meredith hummed in thoughtful response to those words.  It took her a long moment for her brain to truly process but her eyes lit up slightly.  "Oh my gosh... it's Christmas."  Her lips tugged into a fuller smile.  "Merry Christmas, Mistress."  She hated that even on Christmas morning when she felt like running to the tree, she still required coffee to function properly.

thea baker

Her head fell back just a little as she laughed, and Thea nodded.  "It is Christmas, yes!  For the whole day, I think, so don't feel like you need to get up anytime soon."  The greeting made her smile brightly, though, and she leaned in to kiss those soft lips.  "Merry Christmas, Mer.  Did you sleep well?"

Meredith Fabray

The blonde gave a little sleepy whine.  "I want to get up now and go tearing through wrapping paper but my body says no and is begging me for at lest two if not three cups of coffee before I even consider moving."  Meredith melted a little into the kiss and offered another hum.  "I did.  I think you thoroughly wore me out yesterday.  Did you?"

thea baker

When she couldn't be any cuter, Meredith let out a whine that brought an even bigger smile to Thea's face.  "Then we'll just have to give into what your body's demanding and get you some coffee before we do much else."  It was impossible not to look proud at the idea that she'd worn Mer out.  "I did, actually, I sleep much better with a certain someone in my arms."

Meredith Fabray

The blonde smirked a little.  "So.  Much.  Coffee."  She groaned some at the thought of moving.  "And clothes.  We need our pjs to open presents."  She reasoned.  She smiled again and gave a little shake to her head.  "That look."  She laughed.  "See- you know you wore me out and you're perfectly pleased with yourself."  Her smile softened some.  "... I've always slept better in your arms, Thee."  She confessed.

thea baker

"As much as you want, we'll drink it by the pot until you feel like you can move enough to get to the presents.  Or the clothes - which, by the way, I'm not totally convinced we need to open presents but I'll roll with it."  Her proud smirk only got bigger.  "So completely pleased with myself, you have no idea."  The smirk softened, though, into something warm at Meredith's words.  "Then I'm glad you're back to be in them again."

Meredith Fabray

A little moan sounded behind pink lips at the thought of that much coffee.  "Maybe an iv of coffee.  That might be necessary."  Mer gave a little pout.  "But we need our cute pjs to open our presents because cute photos."  Her morning time reasoning skills were lacking.  That smirk did things to her and she bit her inner cheek some.  Those last words warmed her.  "So am I.  It's where I belong."

thea baker

Thea laughed softly.  "I don't think I'm set up to give you an IV here, but I can always call the doctor if you'd like and try to get him on the case."  Meredith did make a good point, though, and she stretched as she considered it.  "I suppose you're right.  Pajamas now.  Naked later."  Mer's words didn't need any further comment, so Thea just pulled her closer for a moment.

Meredith Fabray

A little laugh left those pink lips and those sleepy eyes seemed to brighten. "Might be wise to have him on standby."  She teased.  That jade gaze watched the older woman stretch and she bit her lower lip gently.  "I think that sounds like the perfect plan."  The blonde cuddled in close as Thea drew her in further.

thea baker

Snorting, Thea shook her head.  "I'll give him a call as soon as we're out of bed, definitely."  She could only imagine how that call would go, and was glad she didn't actually have to make it.  "I thought so.  That way we can spend the least amount of time possible in clothes."

Meredith Fabray

Held back a laugh behind her fist, pressed to smiling lips.  "Mmm hmm."  She hummed.  Her smile only grew as Thea spoke.  "You really want me naked the majority of the day, don't you?"

thea baker

Thea raised an eyebrow.  "You say that like there's the slightest bit of surprise in you that I want you naked all day.  Clearly I need to say it more often, because I don't want there to be any kind of confusion on this subject.  I want you naked all day, every day that I can manage it."

Meredith Fabray

Meredith let a small laugh push past pink lips.  “No surprise at all.”  She held up her hands in mock surrender.  “Naked all day might pose a problem once classes are back in session  but you are my Domme.  So I’ll be naked whenever you want me naked, Mistress.”

thea baker

Thea grinned.  "I didn't think so."  Mer's promise made her smile, because it meant the world that her submissive had that much faith in her.  "Not to worry, pet.  As much as I like you naked, being naked in class would just distract everyone.  Plus, I don't like to share what's mine."

Meredith Fabray

Meredith returned the smile.  Her cheeks warmed at the last words and a brow rose a little.  “No?  Hmm I’ll have to remember that... I mean I did tell you I enjoy you being possessive so I really shouldn’t be surprised.”  She smirked some then stole another kiss.  “PJs and coffee and presents?”

thea baker

"You've opened the floodgates now," Thea teased.  "Because when I'm possessive I'm very, very possessive.  So I do hope you keep on enjoying it as I really get going."  She leaned into the kiss with a smile, nodding at the offered order of events.  "PJs and coffee and presents," she agreed.

Meredith Fabray

"Keep them open then."  She smirked once more.  "I don't think I'll ever not enjoy it."  She admitted.  At Thea's agreement, she grinned.  Slipping out of bed, she easily found her pajamas and slipped them on.

thea baker

"You say that now, but we'll see," Thea smiled.  She slid out of bed as well, stretching and yawning as she located where her pajamas had been thrown the night before.  She might not have been quite the caffeine addict that Meredith was, but she was very much looking forward to a Christmas coffee.

Meredith Fabray

"I'm not gonna be changing my mind, Mistress."  Tying the drawstring closed and looping it into a bow, she waited patiently for Thea and when the woman was done, she grabbed her hand and laced their fingers to lead her out to get coffee.

thea baker

"In that case, I'm glad to hear it."  She squeezed Mer's fingers gently, revelling in the contact.  It was the perfect Christmas present to wake up sharing a bed with her, and she planned to enjoy every moment of it.  "I think I have some flavored coffee in the cupboard somewhere, if you wanted that.  French vanilla or Irish cream or something."

Meredith Fabray

“Orrrr....” Meredith grabbed a gift bag with her free hand as they passed the tree and smirked a little.  “We can make mochas with the fancy hot chocolate I got us?”  She grinned and pulled the whole kit she’d made out of the bag including the alcohol not that they needed it this early in the morning.

thea baker

Thea's eyes lit up as she regarded the kit, nodding happily.  "That is a much better idea.  You're so far ahead of me this morning."  A mocha sounded like the most perfect idea for them both to wake up a little bit.

Meredith Fabray

“I just got over excited about spending Christmas with my favorite person so...”. She gave a little shrug, a sweet smile tugging at her lips.  “... I may have gotten carried away with preparations.”  She admitted.  Mer went to go start the espresso and then worked on making the hot chocolate.

thea baker

"Your favorite person, huh?" Thea's lips quirked upward in a smile.  "I won't tell any of your family that you said that."  She leaned against the counter to watch Meredith work, glad for the chance to share a quiet relaxing moment.  "You always do, but I always end up benefiting when you're very prepared."

Meredith Fabray

“Most favorite person.”  She confirmed with a sweet smile.  “I’m not sure they’d care all that much that they don’t take the top spot.”  It was true.  She felt a divide between her and her sisters, even more so now that most of them were on this campus.  She stirred the chocolate into the steamed milk as the espresso dripped slowly.  Mer grinned a little.  “I enjoy being prepared.”

thea baker

"Well, then, that's on them.  Because being at the top of your list of favorite people is an amazing honor and they should feel the same way."  Thea chuckled softly at Meredith's admission.  "I know you do, pet.  You've always been amazing at being prepared."

Meredith Fabray

A little smirk tugged at pretty pink lips.  "I don't see anyone bumping you out of that top spot any time soon."  Meredith pulled out the mugs.  First she added half a mug of hot chocolate, then she put in the espresso shot, then topped it off with the frothy part of the hot chocolate.  When she was done, she handed a mug over to Thea.  "It pays off."

thea baker

"There better not be anyone who's going to topple me," Thea chuckled.  "If there is I reserve the right to challenge them in single combat before a champion is decided."  She accepted the mug once Meredith was finished working, inhaling the smells of coffee and chocolate and suddenly feeling more awake.  "That it does.  Thank you, this looks amazing."

Meredith Fabray

Meredith laughed.  “Deal.  I mean, that only seems fair.” She took her own mug up into her hands. “Welcome, Mistress.”  She took a long sip of her mocha with a satisfied hum.

thea baker

Thea wasn't actually much of a fighter, but for the right cause she'd be willing to do her best.  Sipping the mocha left a contented grin on her face, and she leaned in to steal a quick kiss.

Meredith Fabray

Meredith smiled into the kiss and stole a second one before the other woman could get away, this one not as quick.  She was careful about their mugs but now Thea tasted like a mocha and she couldn't help herself.

thea baker

The second kiss was sweet, and tasted like chocolate, and Thea didn't mind it one bit.  "Delicious.  I mean, not that you aren't usually delicious, but you're even better with a little bit of chocolate on top."

Meredith Fabray

Meredith smiled with a hum leaning in for more.  She caught Thea’s bottom lip nipping and sucking it for a moment.  When she finally pulled back, she smiled again and leaned against the counter to sip from her mug.  “Chocolate and Coffee elevate everything.”

thea baker

A sharp gasp escaped Thea, and she pulled back with an arched eyebrow.  "Naughty thing, so early in the morning.  Fortunately I liked that, so I don't think I'll have to teach you a lesson for it.  And you're right - between the two, there's nothing they can't make better."

Meredith Fabray

The blonde let a little laugh leave her lips.  “You’re the one who wanted to stay naked.  If we were naked that would have been way more naughty.”  Another long sip was taken.  “I’m excited for presents.”

thea baker

Thea's eyebrow climbed higher.  "That sounds an awful lot like being cheeky, pet," she warned playfully.  "Even if you are definitely right."  She sipped her own coffee.  "So am I - I'm really really looking forward to seeing if you like yours."

Meredith Fabray

Meredith batted her lashes.  “We both know I’m a little cheeky before my coffee kicks in, Mistress.”  She definitely didn’t deny it.  Meredith was a morning person but she definitely needed her coffee to function and be a normal human.  “May we go open them, Mistress? Please?”

thea baker

Thea snorted softly.  "Yes, we definitely know that."  She wasn't about to make an issue of it, but she'd be keeping it in mind for later.  "We absolutely may, Mer.  Lead the way to the tree and we can get them sorted out to start opening."

Meredith Fabray

The response got another little laugh out of the blonde before the mug was once again brought to her lips.  She grinned when Thea agreed to present opening and kissed her cheek.  “You’re the best.”  She led the way into the other room and over to the tree, kneeling down to help sort through the gifts.

thea baker

"I know," she laughed.  Following her into the living room, she took a seat near the tree and smiled as their gifts were sorted out.  "Looks like Santa must have thought we behaved this year, huh?  That's a good haul of presents."  They'd both been generous to each other, and Thea had no regrets - she wanted Mer to know she was loved in every way.

Meredith Fabray

The blonde grinned, eyes bright in the morning sun.  “We were so good!  Santa knows it too, cause her knows everything.”  Meredith had way too much fun getting and wrapping these gifts.  First she handed over the wrapped box that held  two lingerie sets.

thea baker

Meredith's enthusiasm was just another reminder of what she found so endearing about her.  "I guess he must, because I think we were pretty darn good this year."  She picked out the smallest of her presents - a pair of earrings - and handed them over so they could each open one.

Meredith Fabray

Mer took the present and carefully undid the wrapping.  She was the type to preserve the wrapping as best she could which admittedly took her a little longer.  When she opened them her eyes lit up.  “These are beautiful, Mistress.  Thank you!  I love them.”

thea baker

"You're so welcome, Mer.  I thought they were perfect for you, and I can't wait to see you wear them for me."  She took her turn, slitting the tape on her package open with one nail to reveal the lingerie sets.  "Oh, Mer...they're spectacular.  I think they're going to look great on me, but I'll need someone to be the judge."

Meredith Fabray

“The next time we go out you’ll see me in them, Mistress.”   She was excited watching Thea open her gift and beamed at her response.  “I will totally be the judge.”  Looking at the other two gifts, she picked up the necklace box with the silver set lapis lazuli pendant inside and handed it over.

thea baker

"I was hoping you might say that."  She gently laid the lingerie aside, knowing that she'd be in at least one set by the day's end.  Accepting the small box, she passed Meredith her book with a smile.  She knew that much of it would be covered in classes, but it felt more personal.

Meredith Fabray

Her smile was brilliant and could have lit up the room as they exchanged gifts again.  When she opened the book her smile warmed and like the studious girl she was she automatically started to flip through it.  “This is amazing...”. She got a little lost in it for a minute or so, easily distracted this morning.

thea baker

"I hope it's good," Thea smiled.  "I didn't read through all of it, but it seemed like a pretty good book."  She opened her own slowly, peeking into the box and smiling hugely.  "Mer...it's beautiful.  Could you help me put it on, please?"  Turning, she swept her dark hair away from her neck and handed Meredith the necklace.

Meredith Fabray

“ It definitely looks good. I can’t wait to take all the notes.”  She didn’t set it aside until Thea went about opening the necklace.  Mer grinned and gave a hum, moving behind her to help out with the latch.  She placed a kiss on the back of her neck.  “I’m glad you like it, Mistress.”  She set the wrapped hand knit sweater into Thea’s lap and bit gently into her lower lip.

thea baker

Thea smiled.  "And I can't wait to read all of the notes that you take."  The kiss on her neck made her shiver, and she nodded.  "I love it so much, Mer.  Honestly, it's beautiful and I'm going to wear it as often as I can."  She passed over the collage of takeout menus with a nervous expression, waiting for it to be unwrapped and hoping that Mer would a.) get what it was and b) like it.

Meredith Fabray

Mer carefully opened the final gift and as she looked at it and took in what it was, her eyes  lit up and her lips tugged into a radiant smile.  “Oh my god!  This is every single take out menu we have ever ordered from?  Oh my god!”  She squeaked and pointed.  “Even the one from the vacations we took on breaks??”  The blonde leaned over the collage and stole a kiss.  “This.” Kiss. “Is.” Kiss.  “Perfect.” Kiss.  “Thank you so much.  I love it, Thee, I really do.”

thea baker

Watching with bated breath, Thea felt relief flood her as recognition flashed across Meredith's face.  Every kiss made her feel infinitely better about the gift, and she nodded happily.  "Every single one.  From the time we were first roommates until the week before I had it made - and I only stopped because I needed time to get that put together.  You are so, so welcome, and I'm glad that you like it." She opened her own and held it up with awe in her eyes.  It was clearly handmade, with no tags, and the gold and black pattern was intricate and gorgeous.  "Mer..." she offered softly.  "You knit me a sweater.  It's beautiful, pet, thank you so much."  It was her turn to steal a few kisses and pull the submissive into her arms.

Meredith Fabray

It made her feel all sorts of ways to know that Thea had put so much thought and effort into her gift in the way that she had in knitting the sweater.  She wasn’t sure what sort of reaction the sweater would get but she was so happy when it got a good one.  When she was pulled into those arms, she settled into the woman’s lap and let herself get lost in the kisses for a moment or so.  “I did the same pattern as that scarf I made you forever ago.  It was a lot harder but it came out really nice I think... and you’ll look beautiful in it... cause you look beautiful in everything.”

thea baker

Thea blushed, just a little.  "You're very sweet to me, Mer.  Much too sweet.  I love it.  And I'm going to have to get that scarf out so that I can wear the whole set - I can't believe I didn't recognize the pattern right away.  It's wonderful."  It was a great Christmas, and she couldn't have been any happier in that moment.  "Thank you for everything.  And for being here."

Meredith Fabray

Mer shook her head, smiled and kissed her cheek gently.  “I’m not.  You deserve sweetness.  And honestly I made the scarf forever ago, I’m surprised you even have it since you’ve never really left Florida.”  She brushed her nose with Thea’s, resting their foreheads together. “Thank you for everything.  I honestly wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”