#mmm. conversations hard. hate talking about myself. don’t know anything besides myself. hate certain topics (but won’t say anything bout it)

[peapod20001]

In my...✨ depression bed ✨ phase <3

[theonlyshawawa-blog]

Let Me Convince You Otherwise-Akiyoshi’s POV

I stared at the ceiling, finding it difficult to put my thoughts aside long enough to fall asleep. I grabbed my phone, the bright light chasing away the darkness that filled the room. It was already a quarter past midnight. I had been laying here for almost two hours. I turned to my side as I slipped my phone under my pillow. She had her back to me, choosing to sleep on the far edge of the bed. I assumed that was her way of trying to put some kind of distance between us. I studied the steady rise and fall of her chest as she slept. If I were to be honest with myself, I was glad that today was over. Most of the passing days have been bad, but none of them compared to today. I could tell that she was really hurt this time, unwilling to let the topic drop like it usually did. I replayed the conversation over and over in my mind. She would raise her voice, I would raise mine. She would say something hurtful, I would dish it right back. Both of us pushing boundaries and crossing lines we know we shouldn’t have.

I was confused. I didn’t understand why she suddenly wanted to start a family. To me, there were some things that needed to be done before that. Such as telling our parents about the love that we shared. We needed to tell the guys at work too. I was almost positive that they were starting to catch on anyways. The only one who truly knew was Minato. I didn’t understand why she wanted to get pregnant now, considering that, that would thwart most of the wedding plans we’ve already made.

Besides that, I hated being rushed. Maybe that’s why I resented the idea of it so much. I definitely wanted to have kids someday, but I didn’t like the feeling of being forced into it. Never would I have thought that I would have been peer pressured into something like this. This argument caught me by surprise. Lately, she’s been moody. Her emotions coming and going like hustled cars on a busy two-way street. I began to notice that no matter what I said, I could never do right by her. I felt like she was always taking her frustration out on me. I can only handle so much anger and hostility. Each argument we had shoved me closer and closer to the edge and today I snapped. I realized that I was no longer arguing to compromise, I was arguing to make a point to her. The more she attacked, the less I was willing to negotiate. I didn’t really know the point I was trying to make any more. Only pushing back because I hated being pushed. Maybe it was to show my dominance, but we both knew that she was really the one in charge here. I’m the boss at work, she’s the boss at home.

I’m completely lost. My emotions twisted and bundled. I’m frustrated and the more I think about it, the angrier I get. I knew she had pitched some pretty convincing thoughts today, but I was in far too deep to drop my side of the subject and go along with her ideas, even though parts of me wanted too.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of her swiftly changing out of her nightwear, into her clothes for the upcoming day. I noticed recently that she has been starting to fill out. Staring at her breasts hidden behind her colorful bra, I shifted uncomfortably underneath the blanket as I tried to adjust myself. The ruffle of the blanket caught her attention as she turned my way.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,”

“No, it’s fine,” I said in a gravely tone, my voice not being fully awake yet either. Her bra looked too small for her, her soft skin starting to spill out of the delicate material. My eyes shifted down to her stomach. Her usually flat stomach began to grow some curve. I assumed that’s why she was so moody yesterday. She seemed to be bloated and not feeling well. I know the perfect high-potassium meal that would help her feel better. With that thought, I got dressed and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

She finished getting ready right as I finished setting the table. She came and sat down across from me, not saying a word as she played with the food that was dished on her plate. I assumed that she was still upset from yesterday’s argument. Although we both apologized and made up, I don’t think she truly forgave me. If I were in her shoes, I don’t think that I would have forgiven myself either. I didn’t want to start another argument, but I wanted to bring up the subject so I could tell her how truly sorry I was. She hadn’t even taken a bite of her breakfast this morning. Probably not feeling well enough to eat. Understandable.

“Hey,” I said softly to gain her attention.

“Mmm?” She replied without looking up. The short reply came out a bit harsh.

“What’s wrong?” I said this knowing I was wading through murky waters, but I was honestly worried about her. I wanted her to talk to me and tell me what was on her mind without her raising her voice to shout at me. I was hoping that we could peacefully talk it out over breakfast.

“You already know what’s wrong,” Her gaze met mine. Her piercing eyes shooting through my thin glass of hope, shattering it into pieces. Her words came out quick as she spat them in my face. My heart began to race as I took a moment to try and collect myself. I didn’t want a repeat of yesterday, so I restrained my voice, continuing to talk in a quiet tone.

“I want some eventually. I just don’t think that now is the right time. With work and the wedding… Why can’t we wait a few years for when we’re both ready?” I tried to reason with her.

“Because if we wait until we’re ready, we’ll never have any!” She hollered. There were certain realities behind her words that I knew were true, although her tone made me resent it. The worry that I held before was now poisoned as it died, now being replaced with some kind of emphasized frustration. I could tell she was ready to defend her side of the subject as she sat up straighter, preparing herself for the argument that was about to take place. My temperature began to rise, my palms becoming sweaty. Reappearing from yesterday’s disagreement, the anger that flowed through me came from an unjustified place.

“Come on, seriously? I don’t know why you’re all of a sudden in this huge rush to get pregnant and start our family. Think this though for a second and use that damn head of yours!” I shouted back, telling her exactly what was on my mind.

“Do you not think that I haven’t thought this through? For someone who likes to think they’re so smart, maybe you should ‘use that damn head of yours’!” She mocked me. Ouch. I just wanted her to see my reasoning’s behind my words. A baby could wait. There was an order that these things needed to be done in, and mixing them all out of whack was incredibly frustrating to me.

“If you weren’t so bullheaded, maybe you’d be able to see my side of things,”

“I do understand your side, it’s you who doesn’t understand mine!” I was trying tremendously hard not to lose my composure as she shouted at me from across the table.

“I’m not ready for a baby! Okay? I don’t want to have kids right now! We haven’t even told the guys about our relationship yet!” Damnit, I broke. I lost my patience with her, my temper winning the best of me. My clammy hands tossing my fork to the plate that sat below me as I folded my arms across my chest. The action came naturally and I know that it would have left most others unsettled, but she seemed unimpressed. The fire still burning passionately in her eyes. If anything, it was her who intimidated me, but I would never let that show.

“Well then, we’ll tell them,” She remarked aggressively.

“Yes, eventually. There’s a time for everything, but now is not a good time for either of those things,” I’d like to tell our parents first. I think that would be our biggest hurdle.

“I think it’s time for both, actually. I don’t thi-”

“No! No baby! Just accept it, okay? Can’t we just have one meal without you doing this?” I cut her off. This being my unnecessary way of trying to bring the conversation to an end. My tone came out a bit harsher than I wanted it to, but I wasn’t about to take it back. I furrowed my eyebrows to show her that I meant what I said. I watched as the fire that raged through her eyes slowly burned out as it turned into nothing but smoke. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Her face twisting into many different expressions, I couldn’t keep up. The silence that filled the room became suffocating to me, closing in and piercing me. In my opinion, this was worse than the constant shouting that we did.

“I can’t accept that,” She whispered to me as if she was almost talking to herself. Her words hit me hard and I knew I pushed things too far… Again. I didn’t dare speak another word to her. I could clearly see that she was on the verge of tears and I didn’t want to send her over. Another moment of silence filled the room as I watched to see what her next move was. I set my gazed on her as she began to stare at the breakfast that sat untouched on her plate. I opened my mouth to tell her I was sorry, but I closed it, unsure of how to do so. I wanted to make sure she knew I was being sincere.

The blood in my veins ran cold as she brought her head to rest in the crook of her elbow and began to sob. My heart ached as it did every time I saw her cry. She aggressively scooted her chair back from the table as she quickly walked to the front door.

“Hey, babe. No, please come back here. I’m sorry,” I called after her not knowing what else to say. Idiot, idiot, idiot. I knew she wasn’t going to come back to me. She left the table for the sole reason of trying to put space between us. I got up as I followed after her. As I stopped in the entryway, she was putting on her shoes and I knew that she was planning on leaving for work. “Where are you going to go?” I asked, knowing that she would respond to me. I wanted her to talk to me about this, but neither of us knew how to control our overbearing anger.

“Away from you,” Her voice quivering. One quick glance at the watch that sat boldly on my wrist told me that if she caught the next train out, she would be much too early for work.

“You can’t leave for work yet. You’ll be over an hour early,” I informed her. I spoke sympathetically to her as I walked closer. I just wanted things to go back to the way that they were. I didn’t know what we could do, both of us unwilling to give up to meet on middle ground. I didn’t like to leave the house or go to bed angry. I always wanted her to know that I loved her and to know that we can always work to make things right again. It was just a lot easier said than done. I wanted nothing more at the moment than to hold her and keep her close. I walked even closer as I opened my arms. “Hey, please,” I indirectly asked her to be with me.

“Don’t,” She placed her palm firmly in the center of my chest as she pushed me away. The action took me a bit by surprise. She’s been pushing me away a lot lately. Quite frankly, it hurt me more than any words she could bash in my face. I internally began to panic as she reached for her belongings, wiping the still flowing tears from her reddened cheeks.

“Please don’t do this, this morning. At least leave the house with me,” I begged. Even if we could leave the house together, at least she would be by my side. She ignored my plea as she opened the front door. She stood silently for a moment as if she was sorting through her own thoughts. ‘Please let me go with you.’ I mentally begged her to change her mind. I wanted to be with her. I took a step closer as she slammed the door in my face. The frustration again returning at her abrupt actions. “Damnit!” I angrily shouted to myself. I knew that we were both hurt and exhausted – both mentally and physically. I needed her and I felt as if she didn’t need me. I was broken inside and I didn’t know how much more of this I could handle. I could tell she was about to break her limit too. I knew better than to chase after her, though. The more I chased, the faster she ran.

I walked back to the table as I took the plates of now cold food into the kitchen. My shaky hands tossing the wasted food into the trash before placing them into the sink to be washed. I fought myself as the tears threatened to fall from my own eyes. I quickly lost the battle as they slowly began to race down my cheeks. Was this how she felt too, I wondered. The more I tried to compose myself, the harder it became to fight my tears back.

I left for the office about forty minutes after she did, taking the time to calm myself down and prepare myself for the role I was expected to play. My cheeks burned from my constant rubbing, staining them a light shade of pink. My eyes matched, showing that they were slightly red and puffy. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to rid myself of the irritation that attached itself to me. Carelessly, I let it follow me as I made my way to work. Before entering, I paced outside the office building, trying to detach the feelings that only seemed to grow stronger as I tried to cut them down. I decided to give in as I pushed my way inside.

Uncharacteristically of me, I strolled into the office late. I could hear the laughter and loud chatter that flowed through the entry way of Seasonelle. It immediately stopped as they caught sight of me. I really didn’t want to be here and it showed. The frown that sat firmly on my face gave them the wrong impression. Usually, a dissatisfied look would loiter on my face moments before I sent them scattering to their desks like bugs. Naturally, they braced themselves as they prepared for the harsh words I was going to send their way.

“Don’t you all have work to do?” I said quietly, in a defeated tone. My voice passing through my lips in a single breath. They stood there for a moment, sharing looks with one another before one of them spoke up.

“Yes, sir, we do,” Minato calmly said, the question ringing through his voice. Nodding my head, I turned my back to them, heading towards my office. I was emotionally exhausted and it was barely eight. Sitting in my chair, I casually booted up my computer. I placed my hand on my forehead, letting it rest there as I rested my elbow on my desk. I already knew that work was going to be difficult, my mind already starting to wonder back to her. I sat there for a moment before I lifted my head and started my day.  

My frustration came and went as the time passed by. I would gain an occasional glance now and then as a bit of profanity would leave through my still opened door. Shusei was the first to walk to my office. Worry covering his face like a mask.

“Hey, boss. Can you look through this rough draft for me?” His voice didn’t hold the cheerful energy like it normally did.

“Sure,” I said firmly as I reached out to take the papers from his hands.

“Are you okay? We’re all worried about you,” He carefully tossed his thoughts into the conversation. I sat a moment as I debated how I should respond.

“Shusei, I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me,” A bit of hostility lacing itself through my words. I knew it wasn’t fair to take my anger out on them and I was trying to hold it back. It wasn’t their faults I was a damned idiot, but my frustration grew, threating to rip out the seams. It naturally flowed into my words, looking for any way to get out. Shusei rolled over my words before deciding he was running into dangerous territory. Nodding his head, he turned, leaving my office, parting without saying another word.

I had gone through the article that he had handed me. The article itself wasn’t bad, but I knew that he could do better. I made some small corrections on the print before grabbing one of Kaoru’s articles I was given earlier this morning and heading out of the confines of my privet office. Shusei leaned over Kaoru’s desk as Minato and Chiaki stood close by, enjoying their private conversation. None of them noticed when I walked up, letting their guard down for the day since I stayed tucked away in my office for a majority of it. I rolled the papers up and wacked Shusei on the back of the head.

“Shusei, what is this garbage? There’s no grab to this story. It was bland from start to finish. Do it again,” My sudden appearance took the lot by surprise. Shusei rubbed the back of his head as he took the papers from my hands. “Kaoru, the same goes for you. The entire article lacked drive. Nobody is going to want to read this trash. Rewrite the entire thing,” I didn’t stop the anger from flowing out of my voice this time. With a stiff look in my eyes, I threw the papers down on his desk. I knew if I pushed them, they would both produce something worthwhile. “I’m disappointed in both of you,” I said flatly. As I looked around for the other two, Chiaki had already retreated back to his desk, immersing himself in work while Minato was trying to sneak back to his. I called out to him before he made it. “Minato. My office. Now,” I growled.

As I walked back into my office, I plopped down into my chair. I just wanted to so desperately relax, but I found myself always on edge. It only took a moment before Minato showed up, knocking on the door frame. I pointed to the chair that sat across from my desk, motioning him to sit down.

“If you’re looking for the baseball documents, I borrowed them out to someone,” He sheepishly stated.

“Borrowed them out to who? You idiot! Go get them!” I shouted. I questioned why he would borrow those out if he needed them to work on his main assignment. Before I had a chance to say anything more, he was out the door. Shutting it quietly behind him, I waited for him to bring them back.

Two soft taps on my door gained my attention. Assuming it was Minato back with the documents, I called out to him.

“Come in,” I never broke my focus away from the article I was going over as the door opened. The subtle clicks of heels on my floor, however, tore me away from my reading as I looked up. I wasn’t expecting her to be here. I looked at the file in her hand and immediately recognized it. My pulse began to race through my veins as I remembered how she left this morning. “Do you have those documents that I asked for?” My voice was bitter as I spoke to her although I didn’t mean it to necessarily come out that way. I asked her a question I already knew the answer for, hoping that she would just talk to me. I watched as she held the file up, showing me that she had it, before throwing it on my desk. The weight of the file plopped down, its contents spilling out onto my desk and slipping to the floor. Now I was mad. “Don’t forget that I’m your superior here,” I growled at her.

“Don’t forget that you’re sleeping out on the couch tonight,” Her tone matching the same coldness as mine. My eyes immediately left hers as I looked to see if I could meet any wondering gazes who might have overheard through the door that was left ajar. When none met mine, I stood up and quietly went to shut the door, hoping that we could privately talk this out. I stood a respectable distance from her, respecting the fact that we were still at work. I knew that they could still see us through the glass, but I didn’t dare close the blinds, knowing that, that would draw unwanted attention.

“I’m tired of this. It’s so damn frustrating. Please, tell me how we can fix this,” I spoke to her quietly.

“You already know the answer to that,” She said in the same quiet tone.

“Without doing that. Isn’t there a way we can meet in the middle? Like adopting a dog or something?” She had me between a rock and a hard place. I finally gave in and tried to half-heartedly meet her in the middle.

“No,”

“Why not?”

“Because, Aki, a baby,” My eyes followed the circular motions that she made on her stomach. Pressing her shirt down, I could see that she was still bloated. She should have eaten my breakfast.

“No,”

“I know you don’t want one, but it’s going to happen sooner than you think,” Correction, I did want one. I was just unsure if I wanted one so soon.

“No, it’s not. I don’t care what you say, it’s not happening,” I denied. She kept pushing me and I felt like all I could do was push back. I began to raise my voice, trying to make a point to her. I was still unsure of the point to be made, but I’ve been unsure about many things lately.

“Yes,” She barked.

“No!” I barked back. I knew we were being reckless and our childish banter could most likely be heard by the listening ears sitting on the other side of the door. I again tried to control my anger but it still ruled out the good in me. I didn’t understand how this woman drove me absolutely crazy, but I needed her more than anything else in my life.

“You say you want to work things out but you never listen to what I have to say!” She bellowed. The flame reigniting in her eyes once again.

“That’s because you say the same damn thing over and over again!” For the record, I listened to every breath that left her lips.

“I just want you to accept it, that’s why,”

“That’s what you keep saying, but I don’t know what that means. What. Do. You. Mean.?” I added extra emphasis to my words. I was so confused. What the damned hell was she trying to say, I didn’t know.

“I want you to accept this,” Her face twisted into a sudden sadness. Ah, great. Another repeat of this morning was coming. I watched her hands as she pointed to her stomach. I think she was trying to tell me she wanted me to accept my defeat. To let her win the argument and wave my white flag. That was illogical.

“Accept this? You are unbelievable. You’re talking crazy,”

“Now you’re calling me crazy?” No.  

“No, that’s not wha- stop putting words in my mouth!” I wondered what kind of dumb scenarios she was trying to piece together in her mind. I hated when she filled my mouth with unsaid words and jumped to unnecessary conclusions. I threw my hands in frustration, turning away from her before returning, standing closer than I was before.

“You know what? I’m done,” Her voice was weak. The tears once again streamed down her face. Here it was. I knew that this would turn out like this. My reaction also being the same as I tried to work things through with her.

“This always ends the same way. You get hurt then cry and I end up confused and frustrated. We have to quit doing this,”

“Fine,” She spat out. “Then I guess were over,” My heart stopped and my breathing halted. Silence filled the room as I listened to the sound of my heart shattering in my chest. I couldn’t move, frozen to the spot in which I stood. I knew she was to her breaking point, but I didn’t know that this was the final solution. I couldn’t blink, I couldn’t open my mouth to speak, I couldn’t breathe. The only sounds that filled the now quite office, were the sounds of her sobs. My body was in complete shock. I didn’t know what to do but I knew I needed to do something quick. As the moments crawled by, she began to weep harder. I watched her as she flung the door open and marched out. Her hand covering her face.

“Hey!” I called out to her as she began to walk out of the department. “W-Wait a second,” I flew out of my office as I rushed after her. All of the anger and frustration that had built up over the past few days quickly disappeared as a deep set panic and fear set in. This was a side of me I wasn’t familiar with. She continued to walk, ignoring me as the space between her and the door, gradually grew smaller. Desperation settled in as I continued to watch her leave. I never wanted to lose her, and here she was, literally about to walk out of my life. “Ple-Please, wait,” My desperate plea finally reaching her as I called after her again. She stopped, turning around to face me. I saw a flash of surprise that ran across her face as she looked at me. I don’t think she realized that I was also hurt by our constant fighting, that my heart broke as often as hers. “Please, I know we can work something out,” I clenched my jaw, trying to fight back my own tears. ‘Please, just don’t leave me. I need you.’

“I’m not getting a dog, Aki,”

“Can’t we wait until after the wedding, then?” This time I ran to middle ground. I knew if I continued to put up a fight, I would lose her. Although, I still wanted to tell our parents first.

“No, we can’t”

“Why?” I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t budge. Not even to meet on middle ground.

“Because I’m pregnant,” All of her emotions coming out in one breath. The world seemed to go black around me and all I could see was her. A light of joy balled in the pit of my stomach. I was excited but my face didn’t let it show. I only now realized how much of an asshole I’ve been. I placed my hand over my mouth as I looked down the ground for comfort. My emotions coursed through my body and I didn’t know how to show her how I felt. I was overjoyed that I was going to be a father, but it angered me that she didn’t tell me sooner. There were many arguments that we could have avoided if she would have just been honest with me.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I asked you about it and you said you weren’t ready. I wanted you to be ready when I told you because I wanted you to be as excited as I was,” This was just like her. I would have been thrilled if she would have just came out and told me. It would have saved a lot of trouble.

“That explains a lot. How long have you known?” I could still hear the sounds of her sobs as I continued to study the floor. I guess she wasn't bloated. What an idiot I was. It was stupid that, that would be my first thought.

“Almost two months. I’m sorry. I guess that’s two things that you’ll have to be ready for,” I lifted my eyes to her stomach, staring at the bump that was so obviously there now, before I lifted them higher followed her gaze. I met the wondering eyes of my employees, the question lingering on their shock ridden faces. Too emotionally drained to care, I grabbed her hand, pulling her into me. The fragrance from her shampoo lofted from her light brown hair. She nuzzled her face into my chest, my shirt soaking in her tears that continued to fall. Resting my chin on the top of her head, I finally began to relax. I missed this so much. This is all I wanted for the longest time. To hold her and for her to tell me what was on her mind. I stood a moment, holding her before speaking.

“You were right,” I moved my lips to on her soft hair. “I was time to tell them anyways,” I closed my eyes, trying to calm my raging heartbeat as I did. I thought I was going to lose her. “I love you,”

“I love you too,”