#mm i dont like this one as much as my last fic tbh

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

“Aftermath: Part One”

Chuuya has managed to defeat Fyodor and find the chamber where Dazai has been held captive for several weeks. Dazai has survived- and there ends the good news. 

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(Note: there’s a lot of blood and mutilation in this one, implied torture, that sort of thing. Also thanks to @noticemedazai and her beautiful drawing of limbless Dazai (except I guess he was kneeling not legless lol rip me) for inspiring me to write this fic! Part Two coming soon, possibly this week but more likely next because I start school again tomorrow and will probably be pretty busy.)

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Drip. Drip. Drip.

Chuuya could hear the distinct sound of water droplets shattering against the floor with eerie regularity, each drop striking the ground with a predetermined pattern that reeked of the inevitable. The sound seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once, somehow both amplified and stifled by the oppresive darkness that pervaded the chamber. With every passing moment, Chuuya could feel his lungs growing heavier, as if the blackness was a tangible force infecting his body.

Sickly white light from the outer corridor trickled in like a stream of pus oozing from a half-healed sore, retreating as the door began to close. Chuuya cocked his fist and struck the door at full force. The decaying wood splintered with a resounding crack. Even the doorframe groaned and threatened to collapse in on itself, but the stone walls surrounding it on all sides remained intact. Light flooded through the now-open doorway, and Chuuya had to close his eyes for a moment to adjust to the glare.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The sound, Chuuya had discovered, was coming from one of many exposed pipes rusting on the ceiling. Chuuya stared at the pipe, then at the grayish water bleeding out of it, the water falling not in an uninterrupted stream but in numerous fragmented drops. It was easier to focus on the pipes, to trace the downward path of the water droplets than to look anywhere else.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

If he tore his gaze from the pipes for even a second, Chuuya would have been forced to confront the metal table that had been wheeled in and set against a particularly bloody portion of the wall, taking note of the constrast of the sharply glistening steel and the dark, damp stone walls, the congealing coat of blood the only similarity between the two. Of course, had Chuuya been paying attention to anything but the solitary staccato striking of water droplets against ground, he might have found subtle distinctions between the way blood clings to stone, so tenderly, almost lovingly, sinking deep into every shadowed crevice, while blood abhors the sleekness of steel, deigning to form nothing more than shallow pools on the table’s mirror-slick surface.

Drip. Drip.

The smoothness of the table was interrupted only by a motley collection of bloodied blades in all sizes, from daggers to scalpels to a serrated something that bore a suspicious resemblence to a hacksaw, as well as a few instruments of torture Chuuya would not have recognized, even if he had shifted his attention from the rusting pipe. Much more easily identifiable were the ragged chunks of dark brown hair, torn, bloodstained bandages, and bits of flesh that littered the table.

Drip.

The monotonous music of water droplets had ceased to leave any impact on Chuuya’s mind, forcing his ears to reconcile themselves the only other sound in the chamber. The prisoner’s breathing, barely audible when Chuuya had first entered the room, rose in a ragged crescendo, every sharp, uneven breath piercing Chuuya’s heart.

Dazai.

Even in his state of not-noticing, Chuuya had not been able to avoid the simple wooden chair placed almost perfectly in the center of the room or the familiar figure tied to it. At least, Chuuya assumed Dazai was tied up- he had made no motion to escape- but all he could see of his partner was the back of his head and a fraction of his neck that rose over the solid back of the chair.

Though Chuuya should have been able to see Dazai’s arms on the side of the chair, he couldn’t. After a moment of blank panic, Chuuya realized his hands were probably bound behind him or maybe in his lap. That was it. That had to be it. Choking back what could have been bile or a scream, Chuuya pushed forward, slowly making his way to the center of the room.

The bandages around Dazai’s neck had come unwound at some point, revealing a wide gash near his hairline as well as several smaller, paler scars closer to the base of his neck. The few tattered strands of fabric that remained had been soaked so thoroughly in blood that they were dyed black at the edges.

Dazai’s thick chestnut curls had been torn off in uneven chunks, exposing a bare scalp riddled with welts. Chuuya’s fingers curled up in phantom memory of all the times he had ran his hands through that hair. The beginnings of a sob started to rise in Chuuya’s throat, but he beat it back down, clenching his hands into fists. So Dazai had lost some hair. Was that the worst that Russian bastard could do? Surely Dazai Foremost-Torture-Expert-in-the-Port-Mafia Osamu could handle worse. The thought rang false the moment it crossed Chuuya’s mind. Uneasily, he flashed back to an altercation that had occured a few years ago: the whipping incident.

Dazai had been against using the whip from the start, but Chuuya had pushed and goaded until his partner finally relented. Chuuya had relished it at first, the rush of power, the sense of total control, the smack of leather against flesh, Dazai’s oh-so-self-assured voice deteriorating into desperate cries of pain, then Dazai had turned over, revealing the tears staining his cheeks. Regret flooded through Chuuya instantly, and he reached for his partner’s face, planning to wipe away his tears, but Dazai had slapped Chuuya’s wrist aside, anger burning in his dark eyes.

Dazai said something bitter, Chuuya retaliated with something defensive, and then Dazai replied with the only words Chuuya recalled from the argument:

“I don’t like pain.”

Spoken through tight lips and gritted teeth, tears still shimmering in his eyes, those words shook Chuuya to his core. “Dazai,” he said as softly as he could manage. “I’m sor-” Dazai stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Chuuya felt his apology shrivel up and die on his lips. “Sorry you’re such a fucking bitch!” he screamed at the closed door, savagely swiping at the tears pricking his eyes. “Good luck if you ever have to deal with real pain, asshole!”

Now, as his harsh words came rushing back to him, Chuuya couldn’t ignore the bitter taste of guilt in his mouth, hot and acidic as blood. “Dazai!” he cried out in a voice on the verge of breaking, reaching for his partner’s shoulder with a trembling hand. Chuuya had long since lost his gloves in the battle to reach the chamber, so his hands were bare. The instant his hand made contact, Dazai howled with pain. It was not a human sound but a wretched, bestial cry of agony that made Chuuya’s blood run cold.

Chuuya snatched his hand away immediately, but his fingers came back damp with blood. “Damn it, Dazai,” he whispered, staring down at the stream of blood as it wound a serpentine path down his wrist. His partner’s only reply was a slight hitch in his shallow, feeble gasps for air.

Suddenly, Chuuya realized he still hadn’t seen Dazai’s face. He closed his eyes for a moment, giving himself a moment to gather his strength before facing the extent of the damage. “I’m Port Mafia, after all,” he thought to himself in the darkness behind his eyelids. “I’ve seen it all before. I can handle this.” He walked around the chair, his footsteps echoing like gunshots in the small room. “I have to.” A shiver ran down his spine. “Dazai needs me.” Chuuya sucked in a deep breath and opened his eyes.

Dazai’s head hung limply against his chest, as if his neck was broken, and even his breathing seemed to have faded into nothing. What remained of his dark hair obscured his face. On instinct, Chuuya reached out and grabbed Dazai’s chin, forcing his face upward so he could meet his partner’s eyes. Dazai did not scream but whimper, a small, pitiful little sound that forced a gasp out of Chuuya. Biting his lip to keep from crying out again, Chuuya kept his hold on Dazai’s face.

Dazai’s face was thinner and paler than Chuuya had ever seen it, his skin not white but rather translucent, entirely devoid of color beneath a mask of dull blue, violet, and greenish-yellow bruises. There was a burn on his cheek that had eaten away so many layers of skin that Chuuya half-expected to be able to see the inside of Dazai’s mouth. Gashes and half-healed scars fractured his face. One eye was filmed over in red, the other swollen shut entirely. Chuuya wondered if Dazai could see at all. His face was empty of any recognition.

Chuuya struggled to find his voice. “Dazai, it’s me,” he choked out, every word grating against his throat. “Chuuya.”

Dazai’s lips worked soundlessly to form Chuuya’s name. His bottom lip had been sliced open too recently for scabs to coalesce. He could not speak, but his eyes seemed to focus on Chuuya’s face for a moment. “Uuu?” he whimpered. His mouth fell open, and Chuuya noticed that several teeth had been chipped and shattered, the rest torn out entirely, and all that remained of his tongue was a quivering mass of bloody flesh. “Uuu?”

Chuuya’s eyes burned with tears. “Yeah, that’s right, Chuuya’s here,” he whispered, stroking Dazai’s ruined cheek with one finger. “I’m gonna get you out of here, okay?”

Just as the leaking pipes once had Chuuya transfixed, Dazai’s face now held his undivided attention. Chuuya had been so focused on Dazai’s face, the face of the man he had loved and hated for so long, that the thought of looking away didn’t so much as cross his mind. He might have stared at Dazai’s face for minutes or hours longer if a sudden lapse in Dazai’s breathing didn’t give Chuuya the idea to check his pulse. Chuuya reached for Dazai’s wrist only for his fingers to close upon empty air. Slowly, he raised his eyes to where Dazai’s arm should have been.

His arms were not tied behind his back; they were truncated at the elbows. A cursory glance downward revealed that his legs had received similar treatment.

In all the time Chuuya had known him, Dazai had been covered in bandages, but there were no bandages concealing the mangled lumps of flesh and bone protruding from where his arms used to be. The cruel irony was not lost on Chuuya. Against his will, a crooked smile contorted his face and he began to laugh, quietly at first and then so loudly his echoed shouts of laughter resounded like rolling thunder in the confines of the chamber. Hot tears coursed down Chuuya’s cheeks as he stumbled back from Dazai, the same rictus smile carved upon his face.

“You’re probably even shorter than I am now,” Chuuya said through a hysterical giggle. “But it’s okay, you’ll be okay. I’ll take care of you. Don’t worry, Dazai, I’ll take good care of you. . .” Chuuya slid his knife out of his pocket lifted it to Dazai’s neck.

Dazai was trembling. It wasn’t a shiver of fear but rather a bone-deep shuddering, as if something solid had broken apart at his core until at last he shook so violently even his pupils seemed to convulse within his irises, like he was already dissolving, already becoming something less concrete than flesh, something less than human. His shuddering dark eyes met Chuuya’s cold blue stare. Once more, his lips struggled to fit themselves around the syllables of  his partner’s name.

Chuuya pressed the flat edge of his knife against Dazai’s lips. “Be quiet!” he snarled, dragging the back of his hand against his eyes to beat back tears. “Just-” A tear slid off Chuuya’s face and shattered on the bloodstained ground as water fell from the rusty pipes above.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

“Just- just let me-” With shaking hands, Chuuya brought the knife to Dazai’s neck, gripping the handle with both hands.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Dazai closed his eyes, arching his neck forward to meet the blade.

Drip. Drip. Dri-

Chuuya tossed his knife to the ground and threw his arms around Dazai’s quivering shoulders. His tears mixed with blood on Dazai’s cheeks. “I can’t do it,” he whispered, gripping Dazai’s shoulders so hard his knuckles paled. Chuuya lifted his tearstained face and gave Dazai a shattered smile. “If you want to die, you’re gonna have to do it the hard way, mackerel. I’m too damn selfish to let you go.” Chuuya slipped an arm around Dazai’s back and wound his other arm beneath the remains of his knees. “Come on, then,” he breathed, his words hot in Dazai’s ear. “Let’s get you home.”

[roseamongroses]

Antithesis: “what do you have? “ I have a kNIFE” “NO”

[Specific-Summary]: They should expect growing pains. For not everything to feel right or make sense. That doesn't mean it'll always hurt, nor does it mean they can't have fun along the way. It's senior year. Everything may be different. It won't be senior year for long. Everything will be okay.

[General Warnings]: Implied Emotional Abuse, Implied Physical Abuse, Bad Parents are Bad Parents, Mild Sexual Content/jokes,Mentioned Homophobia, Mentions of underage drinking (backround), Some Catcalling,Cursing , Self Hate,implied pregnancy talk/inability to become pregnant, adults arguing where the “kid” can hear it, adults drinking,

[Tags/mood:] highschool au,  fluff and angst but its all good, chat fic, teen stress, its flordia no snow we die like men [Pairing:] Roceit (Roman Sanders/ Deceit Sanders), hinted future/possible logince/roloceit/loceit [Characters]Roman Sanders/Deceit (Dmitri) Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy (Sleep) Sanders, Nate Sanders, Dragon Witch (Diana) Remus “The Duke” Sanders (minor/brief)

(Ao3) (Previously)

(8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15)

(16) (17) (18) 

L: I May Have Lost Roman

V: nice

P: not nice :)

V: i feel vaguely threatened

Rem:@L how the fuck did you manage that Rem: nvm i know how just give me details

L:I don’t know ? One second we were at check out L: Next minute he was Gone and Nieve is looking suspicious

L:Hold on lemme ask Dmitri

V: why is he there

L: I mean he’s actually pretty chill L: But he dropped Roman off and Nieve got attached L:I’m...not sure if she’s planning on letting him go?

V:logan, my friend, my buddy, V:the only person in this chat with basic reading comprehension

Rem: that’s pretty fair

P: it really is tbh

V: Send. Pictures.

L: Okay L: Slight Issue

V: you lost the snake too

L: I lost Dmitri too and Nieve is not spilling

Rem: oh they’re defeinately fucking

L:...Where? The bathroom?

Rem: Don’t knock it till you try it ;)

V: not to be that guy but im vetoing this discussion V: cause thats a Yikes even for you Remy

L: Alright time to find them

Rem: check ;))) the;))) bathrooms ;;))))

L: Remy.

Rem: alrighlright too far ill stop

L: Thank you.

V: keep me updated V: i only have silence and physics homework as company

L:Huh L:Found them

L: Roman….found a katanna…

V: im sorry WHAT V: Why The Fuck Does He Have A Sword

Rem: drop the location of that store man

L: 1) It’s a Katanna L: 2)I will certainly Not. L: 3) He’s trying to convince Dmitri why he should have it

L…..and Dmitri looks more amused then concerned

V: if I can't have a tarantula he sure as hell cant have a sword

L:I told him it was probably fake/ poorly made and that he should take the time to invest the proper skill in money in a real one

V: goddamit logan you cant logic roman.

L: It worked. He put it back. L: So I say I can do what I want with roman

Rem: some spicy takes from the chats only brain cell ;)

---

“So you’re turning eighteen, in a few months. ” His aunt said, dabbing her cheeks with a napkin. She still managed to hold an air of prestige despite getting utterly shitfaced the night before. Her appointments have been going well.

Dmitri looked up, masking his surprise and holding his tongue.

Dr. Montag looked over, quieting the running water and placing the dish was he was cleaning down, “Really?” he said, brushing his hands, “You got any plans?” he asked, Dmitri.

“Oh we usually do something small,” His aunt interjected, “But seeing as he’s my father’s favorite grandchild,” Only grandchild, “He’s is flying from Paris to join us. And he was never a man of modesty so I’ve been thinking about doing something special for the occasion.”

Oh.

Dmitri fought the smile creeping on his face, ducking his head. He shouldn’t be surprised that she remembered after all if his grandfather was visiting. It’s how he got his phone, laptop, his car.

It’s probably why she puts up with him, to begin with. Cause it wasn’t guilt.

“--We should get your hair cut,” She continued, and Dmitri snapped out of his thoughts, “Maybe invite Diana--he’d like her,” she murmured.

“Diana and I a-” He closed his mouth, and his aunt’s eyes shot over.

“You broke up?” She narrowed her eyes, examining her nails, “Huh, makes sense seeing as...” she gestured at him vaguely, “So who have you been sneaking around with?”

“I’m not sneaking around with anyone,” Dmitri said, meeting her gaze. And technically he was right, it’s not sneaking if she just hasn’t been asking. And he’s given up on telling.

Dr. Montag’s eyebrows knitted together confused,” Well that isn’t true,”

Dmitri’s eyes went wide, stomach sinking.

His Aunt’s grin spread, “Oh really?”

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck--

“He’s been helping me out, hon,” Dr. Montag set down a glass of water and pills beside her plate, “You’ve been so stressed lately,” he looked guilty and produced some tickets, “I thought I’d surprise you.”

Her face softened and like that the tension left the room. Those two got to linger in whatever lovey-dovey spell had taken hold of them in the last few months, but Dmitri was still on edge.

She still kept him on edge, but he could get her back. Even the playing field. Anytime he could leave this—Anytime he could flip this switch and put her on edge and make her—

He stopped eating, setting his plate aside.

He felt sick.

---

R:helllloooo R:anyone up R: sigh R: allll by mySELLLLF

L: Roman?

R: the one and lonely yes hello human contact???

L: Are you alright? It’s 3 am why are you still awake?

R: why are YOU up mm????

L: My parents have newborn twins. What’s your excuse?

R: well fuck got me there

R: i was texting dee but he was rlly tired and i stILL can’t sleep

L: Any particular reason?

R: u m

L: Private chat?

R: please

- [TheTruthAboutTheMoon]

TheWalkingMouth: Okay shoot

Cowboy:it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: I’ll tell you if it's stupid or not just say it

Cowboy: i just….like Cowboy: it's all kinda….hitting me a ll at once and i Really don’t like thinking about it but i cant bottle shit up either like you bastards so i feel like the human equivelent og a washing machine with too much laundry in it

TheWalkingMouth: Then don’t? TheWalkingMouth: Even if it's too ‘stupid’ for me I’m sure Dmitri wouldn’t mind

Cowboy: yeah but i feel like im going to say something shitty to him i Cowboy: like we should talk about it Cowboy: and i will Cowboy: but not now--later when it's not too stressful for either of us

TheWalkingMouth: Why would you say something shitty?

Cowboy: idk id jst get frustrated trying to explain it Cowboy: like hes smart as hell and probbaly get it without me saying anything but like Cowboy: I have neither the patience nor articulation right now to explain like a civil person and he doesnt need me being shitty about it

Cowboy:like,,,,,for example,,,,, if he fucks up in school, he’ll get recommended a tutor and teachers would assume hes doing his best and hes such a sweet and quiet boy

Cowboy: like he is sweet!!but hes a little shit too!! And gets away with it!!! Half those pranks he pulled on virgil, as Iconic as they were he never got in trouble for them!!!

Cowboy: when i fuck up i

Cowboy: god it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: Might not get a second chance? Yeah I get it.

TheWalkingMouth:Remember when I first transferred here? None of the teachers would take me seriously bc of my accent and if they did, they were afraid of me. I could repeat something another kid said word for word and still be told I had an attitude.

Cowboy: god i remembered that Cowboy: you answered his yes or no questions in a fuckin montone, quiet ass voice and he legit called in the office cause he got scared of a goddamn freshman

Cowboy: But ye when i fuck up Cowboy: im suddenly the lazy ass brown kid who should spend less time corrupting youth with my feminine hips and curls Cowboy: like it's not like a lot of them say it outright but it feels like if im not perfect im fufilling all the stereotypes

TheWalkingMouth: Ah okay, rant away

Cowboy: OK like like like im not like virgil right?? in a lot of ways and it fuckin shows

Cowboy: he’s been planning on going into engineering since sixth grade meanwhile i only got my shit together in highschool

Cowboy: and like now that im here/???what now??? My mother expects me to have my shit together meanwhile im over here freaking the fuck out over whether not it's worth it to even try Cowboy: like yes mother i want to go to an art/or librel arts school that may or may not accept me that we may or may not afford to find a career in who the hell knows because if i have to sit in a healthcare class or a applied mathmatics class like you did i miight actually shank the professor????

Cowboy: that i dread the thought of not trying to explore my options outside of this fucking state but i dread the thought of going bc i cant stand the thought of being away from home but i cant fucking find a reason to stay cause everyone i love is leaving or planning their own life anyway???

Cowboy: like remys gunna fuck off to who knows where regardless of whether or not he has a plans or money, pattons gunna take care of his grandmother whereever the fuck a canada ,moms moving in with tia, virgils already mentally flipping me off ready to fuck nasa , and i only fucking hope dmitri even getss the chance to choose where he goes but hes g o n e and i die from yearning behind a screen like the gay victorian i am , and you….i actually dont know

TheWalkingMouth: Teaching for either biology or physics

Cowboy: huh it fits but what about chemistry??

TheWalkingMouth: Fuck chemistry.

Cowboy: oh thank god we’re on the same page

TheWalkingMouth: Anyway, I assume you’re more worried about whether you should apply rather then if you could get in?

Cowboy: i think so

TheWalkingMouth: Well if my opinion means anything to you

Cowboy: more than you’re assuming but yeah continue

TheWalkinMouth: Wait

Cowboy: nothing nothing continue

TheWalkingMouth: Okay-- I think you should go for it but you don’t need to dive head first into it and commit to everything 100% like virgil did.

TheWalkingMouth: You’re allowed to keep your options open, to have backup plans for back up plans

TheWalkingMouth: It doesn’t mean you’re not passionate about your art. Doesn’t mean you’re inevitably going to get a office job and abandon all your dreams. It means you’re being smart and not backing yourself into a corner

TheWalkingMouth:It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay not to have it all figured out

TheWalkingMouth: Nobody does.

TheWalkingMouth: Even if no one else gives you a second chance at least give yourself a second chance.

TheWalkingMouth: It’s perfectly normal to be afraid to fuck up and get fucked over TheWalkingMouth: That doesn’t mean you will everytime TheWalkingMouth: And it certainly doesn’t mean it's the end

Cowboy:

Cowboy:

Cowboy:

[...Cowboy is typing…]

---

@daflangstlairde

@ace-anx

@cataclysm-al

[angelblumes]

food ment. Helllooooooo ugh would you like me to beat her up perhaps end up like her namesake, og mischa?(jk im not a (cannibal)) time to bust out the therapy voice tho , you will find your people and they will love you. Ok. ok wtf is happening? are we like the same person or something? wellbutrin buddies ❤ my room needs to be clean and moved the whole sha bang but I cant😔 life needs to be lived and such. I hope you arrived safely and happily and that everything is slightly better for you than it was last message and that you didn't get too carsick. my power went out today for like 3 seconds everything turned off everything , it usually takes alot for that to happen for my house just because its old and other reasons that I dont actually know. I've had a jam out session yesterday, it was so relaxing 😌 🙌 danced my little heart out to them guys I told you about. There's something abt the murders in hannibal that just does it for me... the artistry of it all. I love it when we talk outside of the 5 daily things too!!! hey, did you get that 'you're so mature for your age' as a kid or 'you've got an old soul' ? whats ur thoughts on that? I personally cant really imagine saying that to a kid maybe its a generational thing? ok 🙄😁 I like commentary ive been watching reactions? on youtube its a guilty pleasure, also I've been getting into some reality tv. Wife swap is crazy I love it alot and then the dating ones because ofc. whats one of the 1st reality show you remember watching and not hating? Honey Boo Boo and I Am Jaz (I think?) were my top two choices of reality. maybe a rewatch is in order for me. ok daily things um a guitar got brought into my house today i... its very.. it made me weirdly happy I love music and its instruments. thank goodness tbh my med were just a little later than usual, the pharmacy gave me emergency 3 days for they can figure out whats up because this is the second time we are having the same problem 😅 I had the best brownie of my life, it was store bought but like from the bakery fav dessert. I got this "new" shirt on so comfy, its tie dyed splattered different blues with an astronaut and nasa logo in white, its cute but also like 3? sizes too big (its a hand me down) dont worry abt the guy if a next time happens ill be ready for it 💪 it will go down, I personally know the man's family I will ruin his life if it comes down to it (we live in a town idk if it's small)or realistically just sic my family onto him. I found out my cousin has a gf now and is apparently very much happier than she was with her ex man (who made awesome cheesecake btw off topic tho) gay people stay winning, I did not know she was not straight tho so happy little surprise 😁 jeez its a lot of words uh I hope you're doing good and you had a good sleep and other nice stuff happen to you and you had a good trip🌷🤟🤙❤

HELPPP u are an angel. thank u❤️. and right exactly. normalize thinking fictional murders are artistic or something . thinkin abt how i used to think criminal minds murders were interesting but never had the right words so i'd just be like "woah he *kills them weirdly*? cool"😭. BUT YEAH i did get that all the time omfg "ur so mature for ur age!!" like thanks it's because i have issues and problems 💀....hmm i hate reality tv HAHA. this gc i'm in was just talking abt wife swap the other day how crazy !! idk if i've EVER liked reality tv .... i like watching commentary abt it (like uhh cody ko's stuff) but watching it myself... nope😭. daily things lets see!!! i went to the baltimore aquarium:) i was exhausted tho. saw that a tiktoker i like (hello fem will graham cosplayers...) went there a few days before me. how funny! i wish we had met and fallen in love or something. i went to bed at 5pm yesterday and slept til 3am. then went back to sleep from 6am to 10am. i think my new adhd/anxiety meds are the cause. sadly. cuz they work! but by making me too tired to be nervous or start thinking too much🥲. i'm tired 24/7 already and thats not helping LOL! i had this fancy meal ok multiple fancy meals and it was really nice. i got chesapeake chicken (haha like chesapeake ripper am i right?!?) and it had crab but i'm crazy i'm crazy i didn't eat the crab. the texture was soooo bad. anyway at another place i got a burger bc i'm lame i don't eat seafood (besides shrimp. which i am allergic to.) and i ate almost the whole thing and my friends mom said she was proud of me😭❤️. i always feel so guilty after eating a lot and that made me feel good. i've started watching more vampire video game play throughs. what can i say. vampire masquerade: bloodlines did something to my brain where i like vampire games now. it's the same guy which is cool. i dont like finding new youtubers becuz i've never kept up w whose problematic or not... like what if i get really into someone and mention it and someone's like oh yeah he preys on women. wtf. like umm cry? is he a youtuber? is he evil? cuz i was looking for a pathologic gameplay and he had one and i was like hmm... he sounds familiar. he has probably done something ? maybe? mm lastly.... i read this hunger games hannibal crossover WEEKS AGO but it's just still on my mind. i don't particularly love the hunger games but it's only bc i don't really know a lot abt it. i enjoy it but i've only seen the movies and read the first book (until rue died. never picked it up again after that! i cried a lottttt) and there's like an absurd amount of hannibal crossovers. i guess bc hannibal would totally rule in the hunger games. like come on a CANNIBAL? the uh.. capitol? they'd go crazyyyy for that. the fic itself wasn't even that groundbreaking or anything i have a lot of criticism for it tbh but it opened my brain to the concept. i have another one opened in a tab but it's super long so i haven't made much headway. i want one where it's like.... the one where the old winners come back for a game! and then they escape😈. but in the one i read will and hannibal sort of just escape anyway in a normal hunger game. like ok cool but i don't think that's plausible. but then how would it work ? like could will win a game on his own? maybe i should write my own fic. but then i'd have to understand what happens in the hunger games /j. ugh ok i was thinking abt that one scene where idk they do the little hand signal thing and drag katniss away and go to shut the door like right as they shoot that guy in the head. THAT WAS SO CRAZY. or when katniss shoots the lady instead of president snow and then everyone just descends on him💀 i feel like there's a level of nuance and understanding that i just don't have so i say "woah! cool :)" i hope ur doing well too ily❤️❤️💗