#missing star vs. so hard on this fine saturday evening

[sunnys-out]

What Rivalry? | Leah Williamson and Alessia Russo x Reader

A/N: Sorry this is a wee later than I thought, but I played soccer all day Saturday for charity and took Sunday to recover. Also, I'm a bit sad because the English defender I was talking to went back to England to renew her visa and I miss her lol so please enjoy this would make my day.

Based on this request

Warnings: Alcohol, implied smut, MDNI

Word Count: 2087

I had a thing for Arsenal players…Something about not only beating Arsenal in a game but then bedding one of the star English players as a Chelsea player, was something I loved. 

I was a Blue through and through, pops and my older brother played for the Chelsea men and my mum was one of the physical therapists at Chelsea. Being a Blue did not stop me from eyeing Miss Leah Williamson after each and every game we had against Arsenal.

“There she goes again, money on Leah rejecting her this time.” Kerr would elbow Millie as she saw me saunter over and see me place an arm around an already smiling Leah. 

Millie only blew out a breath, “yeah Sammy you already lost before ya even started, look at her…(y/n) got her wrapped around her finger”.

Sam only looked on and saw that my arm had now traveled to hold Leah’s waist as I stood whispering softly in her ear, earning a giggle from the normally stern faced captain.

“Ohhh yeah she’s a goner” Sam said with a laugh as both started back towards the tunnel. 

______________________________________________________________

Leah and I had an arrangement, obviously, and well the first time that I was able to have a taste of Miss Leah Williamson it was after a particularly hard game for Arsenal…made her keep the game jersey on for our first night together. 

Leah Williamson tastes like a good bourbon out with friends, a warm cinnamon candy during the fall, like a sunset, like the colors of autumn…She was addicting and tasted like the colors of the jersey she wore all bunched up above her chest as I took my time with her every single derby game. 

She never stayed, always leaving once I had finished and never returned the favor. Leah wanted some time to just let go of control and I was the one to allow that for her…that was months ago, see it was just an arrangement…that’s all it ever was going to be. It was always going to be something physical and nothing more…the way that I had intended but I found myself falling for Leah…ironically…shortly after I had shut her down when she had confessed to me. 

I remember when I tried to rectify whatever we had after I fucked it up when I had pulled her aside after a USWNT vs. England match.

______________________________________________________________

“Didn’t realize this was an Arsenal/Chelsea match? And bold of you to want to do something in the hallway…didn’t take that as your thing” Leah whispered the last part as she pulled me closer.

I put my hands on hers gently removing them from my jersey.

“No, Leah, I actually wanted to see if you were willing to go get a drink with me and you know actually talk?” Leah’s smile immediately drops at the realization and she takes a step back.

Her raised hand immediately stops me before I could continue,  “You don’t get to do this. I was heartbroken when you shut me down and I was like, "Fine, something physical as long as I can get to keep her around in some way”

She pauses to collect her thoughts and uses her next breath as her eyes grow stern, “But you can’t just shut me down and then realize you felt the same way. I don’t even think you actually have feelings for me…what about me do you like?” 

I shuffle my feet, the sound of my cleats on the hard floors of the hallway. 

“I still remember the first time…I still remember how you tast-” the English captain rolled her eyes and got close.

“You're really going to use what you said to me when you shut me down…it worked when you wanted to keep it physical..you being all poetic about the sex…but to use it when you actually want to prove that you want a relationship with me?” the space between us grew as I frowned.

The words now escaping me and a small, “You’re right, we shouldn’t keep doing this” escaped my mouth…Leah lifted my chin gently with her hand.

“Hey we both wanted it like this initially…so I can’t be mad at you…but you need someone who will want to stay with you even after the fact, take care of you, I don’t know…make you breakfast in bed or whatever… but that can’t be me…I’m sorry”. And with that Leah left the narrative…leaving me to not only sit with the 2-0 loss against England but also losing her completely

______________________________________________________________

Months and Months would pass and continue on…just like Leah did. She found herself with Jordan and well I was happy for her. There was a bit of bitterness in my mouth because I hadn’t found anyone who wanted to stick around in the morning.

Jessie Fleming, being my closest friend on the team, would always be there for my frustrated rants and she’d constantly reassure that there was definitely someone out there that “would put up with me and more”.

Jess’ way of getting me out of a funk was to prevent me from immediately going home after a Derby game. Of course, she would elicit the help of Sammy and Millie in convincing me that a drink with the Arsenal girls would not be such a bad idea.

“Come on, (y/n), ya can’t stay cooped up in your apartment all the time” Millie grabs me by the elbow after I had tried to return to my room.

I huffed as I sat on my couch crossing my arms, “I look ridiculous”.

“I think you look hot, come on, there were some new Arsenal signings so ya got options.” Sam winked as she finished up her pre-game drink.

I roll my eyes “weren’t y’all the ones giving me shit about getting with an Arsenal girl?” my hands going up and shaking “No, (y/n) come on keep the sanctity of the rivalry!” I mocked what had previously been said.

It was their turn to roll their eyes, “What rivalry? All I see is that you need to find someone” Jessie smacks my shoulder.

“Now come on, and don’t worry Leah won’t be there since her whole ACL thing” Millie says now picking me up from the couch  and pushing me out of the door.

______________________________________________________________

Alessia’s POV:

The bar was lively and we all had our own little booth away from the public so that we could all enjoy our time together. This was my first outing with the Arsenal girls since joining the team.

Lotte and Steph had reassured me that it was just a fun time with the girls and that the Chelsea girls didn’t bite. 

“So, who’s coming?” I yelled to McCabe as she downed the last of her first beer of the night.

She looked at me with a cocked eyebrow, “Why? Hoping for someone in particular, Russo?”

“No, just curious” I say while taking a sip of the beer in front of me. Thankfully, the darkness of the bar hid the obvious blush now creeping on my cheeks. I was waiting for someone in particular, (y/n) (l/n)...I’ve had a crush on her even when I was at Manchester United. 

I tried to swap jerseys with her and maybe swapped numbers but she was pretty to herself after games.

Katie seemed to read my thoughts, as a smirk played on her lips.

“Oh I know who…that girl is a tough one and that’s coming from me but she’s a sweet gal” 

Caitlin looked to the entrance of the bar and with a laugh “speaking of sweet gals, look at the who finally arrived. The Blues late as usual”

I look over and see Sam, Millie, Jessie and trailing behind them (y/n). 

“Sorry! Sorry, we had to drag this one out of her apartment” Sam said pushing (y/n) to the front. I, immediately, hid my face in my beer ignoring the dig from McCabe’s elbow into my side. 

I glance up and catch (y/n)’s eye. She had a curious look in her eye that then shifted to annoyance as Sam pushed her in my direction as she sat down next to me. 

(y/n) took her time to say hi to the rest of the girls and I suddenly felt McCabe’s elbow again. 

I realized that (y/n) was looking at me, “Oh sorry was a bit in my own world there”

She laughs a little and shakes her head, “No worries, I don’t mind it…I’m (y/n),  congrats on signing to Arsenal, you played well in your debut by the way, Alessia” 

The way my name sounded in her mouth made me melt into a puddle right then and there and I only snapped out of it once she got closer so as to not yell is what I told myself.

“I’m going to go get something stronger, want to come with or are you going to be nursing that beer the rest of the night?” she said just enough for me to hear.

I honestly think she felt the heat from the blush on my cheeks because a smile appeared on her lips before I even said “yes”.

______________________________________________________________

Alessia followed me and we both remained at the bar and had just a cocktail before she pulled me to the dance floor. 

“Come on it’ll be fun” she said, pulling me towards her as we had a space to ourselves.

I looked at her slightly amused as she hadn’t realized that her hands had found their place at my waist.

“Bold, Russo…you trying to pull me?” I say not trying to break eye contact.

Must have been the alcohol in her system because a laugh escaped her.

“Well yeah hoping to pull the cute girl in front of me?” 

I return the laugh and lean into her, “well I'm not going to stop anything that you may be planning, Russo” 

Alessia, empowered, grabbed me by the chin and kissed me deeply totally forgetting that our respective teammates were watching from the booth across the bar.

Millie patted Sam’s shoulder, “guess, who won the bet Sammy, you owe me dinner” which earned an exaggerated roll of Sam’s eyes as she also slid a bill towards Millie. 

______________________________________________________________

Alessia and I both found ourselves at my apartment later that night, clothes strewn about, both of our phones lighting up with notifications but us ignoring everything and focusing only on the other. 

The taste of Alessia, I knew I would become addicted to, but I didn’t hold my breath because the other side of my bed would be empty come morning…like always. 

I savored the moment and the sounds that she made as she came undone. Like a nice coconut rum, the sunrise in a forest, like a honey candy and as intense as the sun. Leah was right, I’m too poetic for my own good.

The light from my curtains hit my eyes as I lifted myself up…surprising myself when I felt a weight holding down the rest of my sheets. 

There lay Alessia, sleeping soundly, with the sun hitting her hair in a way that created a light shine around her features. A small scrunch on her nose as she felt the movement from me and a light flutter of lashes allowed for her gentle blue eyes to greet me.

“Morning’” she whispered with a slight giggle.

I only nod, not knowing what to say.

“Sorry, I knocked out right after…I did want to return the favor you know” she said shifting closer to me.

I shake my head “nah, it’s ok…” Alessia stops me as she now finds herself on top of me, now filled with an energy in her eyes even though she had just woken up moments ago.

“No, I want to and then I can make you breakfast too…” She said gently lowering herself, taking my lips slowly as she did as she promised. 

______________________________________________________________

Alessia stayed more than that morning, she made an effort to visit me and make me laugh many times after that night. At our first derby game together, she prompted a swapping of jerseys where with her jersey was a crumpled piece of paper neatly written.

“What rivalry? Just want to be able to take you on a proper date. :) Text me when you get home xxx-xxx-xxxx”

Jessie was right, I did find someone, who would put up with me and more and I'm glad it’s Alessia.

[beatcroc]

star vs the forces of evil was so fucking good and for what. for ppl to be mad about kissing? hell and death and violence

[popculturebuffet]

Lilo and Stitch Crossovers: “Morpholomew” (American Dragon Long): Stop Trying to Make Am Drag a Thing (Commisson Done For WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy people! And welcome to a brand new retrospective/story arc/thing from yours truly, comissoned directly by WeirdKev27. If you’d like to comission your own review or set of reviews like this one, it’s 5 bucks. Just contact me via my ask box or direct messages on this very blog or my discord technicolormuk#6550.

With Shadow Into Light in the books, Kev decided he wanted to comission something not duck related and a bit smaller as a buffer before the next big arc, ALL of three arcs from season 2 of Ducktales, and decided to go with something he suggested to be a while back as a possible future retrospective: The Lilo and Stitch Crossover episodes! 

That’s right for the next three weeks, with TWO reviews this week since I had a spot open up and Kev paid for this one in full and way in advance, we’ll be taking a trip to Hawaii to visit everyone’s faviorte little girl, her best friend/pet/killing machine as they try to find homes for his 625 cousins. 

I loved Lilo and Stitch when I was a kid: Disney admitely got their hooks in me on that one with their cool prequel comics in disney adventures. These comics set up the movie, showing Jumba creating Stitch and the events leading up to both getting captured. The movie did not disapoint with cool character designs, a drop dead gorgeous recreation of Hawaii, and a really heartfelt, heartbreaking and heartpumping story of loss, family, and ving rahmes voicing one of the few heroic child services workers i’ve seen in a medium, a refreshing change of pace. The film is a masterpiece and I really do need to watch it again sometime. 

Given the series was a huge hit and that thsi was before the big lull in the late 2000′s and early 2010′s where Disney refused to make any tv shows based on their movies, a series followed, given a lead in by the direct to video movie Stitch.

The movie set up the basic premise; 624 capsules containing Jumba’s previous experiments, cousins as Stitch calls them, ended up raining over Kauai, awakening when dropped into water or any other liquid. Lilo and Stitch, with help from Jumba, his live in boyfriend Pleakley, her tought but fair sister Nani, and her boyfriend David, who dosen’t show up as much as i’d like but is my boy so he gets a mention here. But anyways our heroes try to reform the various engines of distructoin who all have unique powers and find them their one place they truly belong. 

So yes the show was a Mons-type show clearly captalizing off pokemon.. but the slice of life setting as opposed to the shonen style of most shows following in pokemon’s wake, gave it it’s own unique feel: while our heroes did fight, it was more about shenanigans, adventures and what not with these unique creatures and the purpose is very heartflet: Lilo simply wants to give these guys the same kind of love and support she’s given Stitch and a chance to do good. 

Opposing them is Gantu, the shark bounty hunter from the first film who, now out of a job, is working for Dr. Hamstervile, an imprisoned sceintest and a character I really don’t like that much as he’s not funny or a genuine threat or both and feels like a waste of time. Thankfully he’s not the focus and Gantu is instead partnered with 625, my faviorite Lilo and Stitch character. 625, as the name suggests, is stitch’s immediate prototype.. but unlike Stitch is too lazy and peaceful to be a real threat and isn’t even really a villian despite being on Gantu’s side. He’s busy making samwitches, his calling to the point when he gets a name in the finale movie it’s naturally Ruben, and snarking at gantu. He’s sadly not in this one but hopefully it’s JUST this one. 

As you can tell I liked this show a LOT at the time. I haven’t watched it since, mostly because disney scarely replayed it after it’s run, but it was vibrant, fun and intresting and a nicely laidback and creative take. The fact I came into the franchise with the comics and thus 625, who was introduced there in fact, and had a hunger to know more about the other experiments certainly helped. It was great fun. 

But while I grew up with the show and the four shows it teamed up with, i’ve never seen these episodes before these reviews. I wondered why for years as I caught the tail end of the kim possible one and saw images ocasionally, but never saw them. 

Turns out it’s because in general Season 2 got screwed over. While Season 1 was pushed out the door fast and aired at a rapid pace Season 2.. was portioned out over several years, and the Recess crossover one, the last one aired and the last one i’ll be covering never even got to Disney channel, only airing on ABC kids, DIsney’s saturday morning block at the time I rarely watched. I did watch it’s predecessor one saturday morning though. Good stuff. 

Since I couldn’t find any making of stuff for why these episodes happened, my best guess is DIsney wanted some cross promotion, and the shows used were chosen because they were the most popular at the time and honestly all 4 represent some of disney’s best, with Recess being in heavy reruns at the time, hence i’ts conclusion despite the show being finished before Lilo And Stitch the movie came out, let alone the series. 

So yeah i’m taking this ride for the first time.. but I was happy to. While Kev pays for a lot of my work, I still have to accept the idea.. and this was a great one. It allows me to cover 5 amazing series and gage how much people would want to see reviews of said series on this blog in one fell swoop.

So to kick us off we have American Dragon: Jake Long, a series I waited forever to come to Disney + as I loved it at the time, badly need to rewatch it (Been busy ), and find it genuinely great: It’s a great teen superhero story about the magical protector of new york, with a charming lead, a great setting and horrifcally great villians in the violently racist magic creature hunting huntsclan.. and their top agent who happens to be jake’s love intrest Rose. It’s really excellent and i’m glad it’s now widely avaliable for all to see. I will say ahead that all four shows in this crossover arc are excellent, and were fine choices for this. 

So what happens when an action comedy about a hip hop teenage dragon meets a slice of life show about aliens? Find out under the cut. 

So we open at a fancy hotel where Lilo’s bringing lunch to her sister Nani when she runs into.. Keoni Jameson. 

The second I remembered this kid all the hate just came flooding back, coursing through my veigns. Just pure liquid hatred for this little perosnalitiless little punk. Keoni is Lilo’s crush and local “stupid white audience stand in”. He has no real personality other than “generic cool kid” and “likes skating”, and just sucks the air out of the room anytime he’s in an episode. Keoni is part of a recurring problem in cartoons across the ages, one that’s slowly going away: the bland love intrest. Intorducing a character whose only traits are being cool for the lead to fawn over with usually no intent of either getting the two togehter or just ending it. IT’s annoying, it was in a good chunk of my childhood, I wish it’d stop. I cannot tell you how many shows used this trope. There were exceptions, American Dragon Jake Long actually used it well by not only making Rose a fleshed out character..  but making her jake’s nemisis in their other lives, and thus making things increidbly difficult on both once the truth comes out, with Jake grappling with if he can trust her or not and Rose grappling with the slow relization eveyrthing she was taught her whole life was wrong.

And again I have seen GOOD storylines using this as a tool: Dipper and Wendy ended with her having been aware teh whole time, but simply not knowing how to let him down given the age gap, and Regular Show rebounded the best from it: it turned the stop and start relatoinshpi of Mordecai and Margret’s relationship into a character flaw for him, openly explored it.. and ended up having him work past it and actually date her for a bit. Before she moved away, he got an even better love interest, then they destoryed the relationship in the worst way posisble and I wil lbe getting to that at some point. Some point. 

So yeah even at the time it was done better, hindsight haas only made it worse and it made watching the first few minutes tough because I had to keep pasuing because I hate him so damn much. He just adds NOTHING to the show and is a blank yanwing void from which no good came out of and I was terrified he’d be in the rest of the episode. Thankfully while he drives the plot he’s only in this scene.. but it’s still one more scene than both 625 and Pleakly got. yeah both are missing, as is nani. 

I did uncover one fun fact that made things a bit easier though: The crew ALSO hated Keoni. No really. Disney forced the character on them as they wanted an audience surrogate, and this abomination is what popped out. They DID NOT want him here and likely only used him as mcuh as they did because Disney forced it on them. And Disney would NOT learn from this as Star Vs got saddled with Alphonso and Ferguson soley because of network mandate. The two aren’t TERRIBLE characters but they aren’t great and feel as tacked on as they were. And part of this does fall on the crew: you CAN twist a stupid mandate like this to work well: Joe Murray was asked to add “A female character with a hook”, as in some sort of dumb gimmick to Rocko. He used those words, meant to create a superfical girl power cardboard cutout.. and created the wonderful Dr. Hutchenson, a bright cheery doctor, the series best sidecharacter.. and someone with a hook hand. But I won’t go too hard on them: they probably didn’t have as much room to manuver and the fact Keoni was sitll being shoved into episodes in season 2 tells me they likely had a set number of episodes he had to show up. I’m suprised they didn’t demand they have characters ask “Where’s Keonie?” any time he wasn’t in an episode. He was unecessary and it comes across with a massive chunk of unforutnate implications: that they didn’t think a series with a mostly hawaiann cast would work, that they wanted at least one other “nice” white character to offset myrtle instead of having the only major white character be a bully and antagonist, and that they thought tehir mostly white audience coudln’t enjoy a series without a white character, which as someone who was in the target demo at the time, I call bullshit on. As I said I hated him then, I hate him now and his involvement is the worst aspect of this episode. 

So after Lilo fawns over him for a bit we find out this chonk of wood’s purpose in the episode: to set up the plot. There’s a massive Skate Competition coming to town with the prize being a really cool skateboard.  This plot point itself.. I don’t mind. Jake is a skater, it’s part of his character and one of the things he loves doing in what minsicule spare time he has. And while it was a common trope at the time having a character skateboard really dosen’t harm most works. We’ve gotten great characters like Jake, Jackie Lynn Thomas, Branwen and Ronnie Anne Santiago out of it, and it feels like natural parts of the character, and frankly An Extremley Goofy Movie wouldn’t be NEARLY as awesome without having skateboarding bizzarley attached to the plot via the college x-games. Granted somtimes you get Rocket Power out of the deal but that’s the price you pay for the good stuff. I only regret it’s involved because Keoni has to be there and I had to pause multiple times to get through his scene. He’s just a sampler platter of terrible decisions made in 2000′s cartoons and he irritates me more than this guy. 

And anyone whose read my Loud House reviews can tell you that is a high bar to clear. 

So naturally Lilo wants to enter the Hawiann X-Games to get the board for Keoni. Though I will give the writers credit for having Stitch voice their thoughts and the audiences thoughts by having him take Keoni’s picture and throw it in the garbage. Where he belongs. 

Lilo’s not great at it as they practice.. and said practice naturally ends up waking up a new experiment, 316.. who i’m just going to go ahead and call Morpholomew. Stitch eventually catches him though like many of the experiments he’s not actively malevelolent and is easy enough to get home. 

Jumba gets to his schitck of breaking down what the experiment of the week does: In this case Morpholomew is  a shapeshifter though he has a VERY intresting twist on those powers: while he can naturally morph himself into anything he’s seen or has a picture of, he can do the same to anyone he touches. It dosen’t effect their voices, but otherwise it’s a perfect recreation. 

So Lilo instead of finding him a home right away.. decides to wait until after the compettition because we need him for the plot. 

So at the Skateboard Competittion Lilo tries to enter, but finds she’s too young.. but since she has a picture of Keoni, which is a nice way to use her photo hobby from the movie for plot reasons and thus dosen’t feel like an ass pull. Why Keoni’s not in town to skate is as his dad left because it’d be too crowded.. even though the event is at the resort he owns. 

So while Lilo commits identtity theft, our guest star appears. He’s cool, he’s hot like a frozen son, he’s young and fast he’s the chosen one, people i’m not braggin, i’ts the American Dragon. Jake is here for two reasons: the first is that Grandpa Long got reports of magical creatures out in the open, so naturally they need to look into that. It’s a clever way to get him, along with Grandpa, Fu, Trixie and Spud, over to Hawaii. The Dragon Council would defintely be suspcious hearing about this, and my guess to why they hadn’t sent another dragon over is they simply dont’ have one on the islands. As for why the Huntsclan didn’t get involved in any way, it’s simply too public for them.  With the magical community in new york, they don’t have to worry about exposure because neither side wants it, so neither side can out the other. Here with a bunch of creatures out in the open it runs the risk of the Hunstclan being dragged into the light.. and given the populace dosne’t care about the “magical creatures” alongside them, it would make them look like the monsters they are. 

Spud and Trixie tagging along also makes sense besides “they needed them for the plot”: While they’d obviously want to come to Hawaii, the skate competition is likely Jake’s cover for why he’s there, as well as one for why it’s just him and grandpa going with a couple of his friends so they don’t have to deal with manuvering around jake’s dad. That sad them never TELLING jake’s Dad is it’s own can of worms as it feels cruel, made things harder for jake and there was no real reason not to. At worst he’d want Jake to stop for his own saftey but given ther’es an active threat in  the huntsclan for the first season and a half, NOT helping people would be the right thing and I feel he’s a sensible enough man to understand eventually. 

And it’s stuff like this that already makes this crossover really work for me: they don’t really have to strain to get Jake over there or tell the audience heavily, the blanks fill in themslves. Or I am but that’s because it’s my job and I love doin it. 

So everyone goes off to their corners; Jake to do a few practice runs, Foo Dog to bet on his friend because of course, Trixie and Spud to go to the beach (even though Spud’s terrified of sharks so I question why Trixie needs him for this), and in a delightfully adorable subplot, finds a lady to woo: local fruit stand vendoer and crankly old lady Mrs. Hasagawa. 

I am here for this subplot: While Grandpa not focusing on the mission is weird for him that’s the entire point.. and their just really cute together. He’s smitten with her entirely because he sees her chewing out one of the people running the contest for making her sign too small. And he performs one hell of a romantic gesture by, while everyone’s back is turned, using his dragon fire to make an add for her on the skate ramp itself, and they have a lovely montage of their time together.. which also weirdly includes grandpa using his dragon fire on stage inf ront of everyone which makes no sense for his charcter but is so cute and does feature david I really don’t care. The writers of Lilo and Stitch probably weren’t deeply familiar with the show and likely just wanted a fun gag. Could be wrong there but it’s cute. He continues to act grossly out of character by trying to avoid going home at the end.. but again I find it simply because he’s in love, they have genuine chemstiry and I like to think they stayed in touch and he retired out there at some point once Jake was old enough to handle things himself. This may not be a ship I expected to support going in but I will die for it going out. 

So back to the main plot, Lilo uses Keoni’s body to imitate him which... she’s only loosely called out on and realizes is bad by the end only because she gets stuck in another body. And that’s not even getting into the fact she BREAKS UP WITH KEONI’S GIRLFRIEND. Yes really.. she just does that to get her out of the way. She comes around and realizes she was wrong and tries to fix it which would be fine.. if hte episode didn’t try to cop it out by revealing “Oh she’s not his girlfriend, she’s just someone who keeps telling people that”. It just feels lazy and dumb and a way to keep Lilo’s crush on Keoni for reasons I DO. NOT. GET. But the identity theft is just brushed aside by everyone: Keoni never finds out, and Jake just brushes it off. The real issue is more her trying to bribe keoni into likng her which while something kids need to learn is not the only thing she did wrong here. It feels like they didn’t think all the implications out here and it hampers the episode

Speaking of which as Gantu captures Jake, he sees him transform into dragon mode and assumes he’s the experiment, Jake’s charactization is pretty shallow.  And why yes it DOES feel weird writing sentences about a character with the same name thank you for asking. I wasn’t expecting a deep character piece or anything: This is a guest spot, the writers here are not the same normal ones for American Dragon. That’s fine. The problem.. is that they clearly did not get Jake. Grandpa being partly out of character is half the joke, Trixie actually gets a really nice moment towards the end, and Spud.. is eh. But out of them Jake just feels like a basic character description: He likes hip hop, he likes skateboards, he calls himself Am Drag despite that sounding like a good name for a drag act but a terrible name to shorten your title, he fights.. that’s it. 

While jake is all of that in the main series, he’s also a kind young man who while sometimes irresponsible does the right thing when the chips are down.  He’s someone weighed down by a responsiblity he didn’t ask for, often makes his life more difficult and often finds himself in trouble because his mother and grandfather won’t bother to tell his dad he’s a dragon. Yes that part still bothers me, and I don’t see why we couldn’t just have a superhero show where both parents know. But regardless this just dosen’t feel like Jake , like they just watched the intro and that was it. Jake feels more like a plot device in his own crossover. 

That being said there is some good stuff: The minute Jake realizes some Sci Fi stuff is going on instead of hte normal magic stuff he tells him “The am drag’s show isn’t about sci fi” a nice meta bit and then breaks out. Meanwhile Lilo takes on his form.. and ends up stuck after badly botching her run again, as Gantu finds the real shapeshifter. 

We get the best stretch of the episode from here though: Lilo awkardly tries to play jake and like jake we get a nice meta nod to how diffrent their show is as she’s worried about his belief in magical creatures.. and is startled out of her charade when Foo Dog talks, a really nice bit especially since it’s tame compared to the weirdness he deals with. Spud and Trixie have questions... only for Jake to show up and his agressive behavior leads to the best bit of the episode: Jake Vs Stitch. The catlyst is understandable: jake has no idea why Lilo’s taken his identity and Sttich is just protecting his best friend from harm. The animation is fluid, the fight is fun and quick and uses both’s powers stellarl. Whle “two heroes get into a misunderstanding and then fight” is a well worn cliche at this point, it’s moments like this that show why: you get to see two heroes who in this case never have interacted before or sense, duke it out, why each is special and it’s fun to watch. 

Lilo breaks it up, and admits to the whole thing.. including the whole give Keani the board stuff. While Jake and Spud, being awkard with girls and a loveable moron don’t see the problem with that Trixie gets a moment to shine. As far as I can remember she really didn’t get much on the show proper so it was a nice suprise to see her mentor lilo her, telling her trying to give someone gifts to love you is not okay, she should just be herself all that good stuff. It’s a nice character stuff and tha’ts the kind of character interaction this episode needed more of. 

With the misunderstandings washed away our heroes team up and storm gantu’s ship leading to another great sequence as Stitch rides on Jake’s back while the two keep him busy and Lilo gets turned back, Trixie complimenting her dress “Thanks I have 10 just like it at home”. It’s such a sweet and genuine moment” They head back out and gantu semeingly grabs morpholmew from where they hide.. only to find out when he gets back it’s spud, our adorable little blob monster transforming Gantu into a bunny and our heroes leaving. How does Gantu get out of being a bunny?

But it’s a nice enough gag. So we end the episode. We get another nice gag as grandpa had himself and his lady transformed to try and avoid going home, and Jake is fine with having lost out on the board what matters is he made a friend. Sadly we did not get a followup in ADJL., but spud does name our experiment, Morpholomew. 

We end on Morph getting his home: a costume shop where he gets paid in fried chicken, he was shown to enjoy it throughtout the episode and changes people into things. It’s a nice little button to the episode and one of the funnest parts of the show was figuring out where the experiment would end up at the end. 

Final Thoughts:

This episode is a really mixed bag. There is some good character interactions, two tremendous fight scens and Trixie gets a chance to shine for once if only for a scene or two, and the clashing genres end up making for some great jokes> The shows do go well together as while Lilo and Stitch is more laid back both have slice of life elements. And hasgawa X Grandpa is just oto cute for words. 

The episode is held back by Jake and Lilo’s lackluster characterizatons: Jake is simply the theme song as a character, which in theory is awesome because that theme song slaps but in practice is pretty lame, and Lilo is selfish and irresponsible even for her in a way that dosen’t feel at all convincing. It drags down what’s otherwise a fun crossover and Morpholomew is truly a unique and wonderful experiment. Still if you like either show it’s worth a watch even if you have to suffer through Keoni for it. It’s worth it.. I just wish it was better and hopefully the next 3 will keep the good parts but take out the bad. Granted this was produced last so I could be wrong, but here’s hoping.  Oh this episode also featured Miranda Cosgrove as the girl who claims to be Keoni’s girlfriend. This is also Keoni’s last episode meaning I do NOT have to worry about accidently running into him. Thank fucking christ. 

Next Time On American Dragon Jake Long: Jake’s dad drags him and his friends on a camping trip and Jake ends up encountering the Jersey Devil. Now all they need is a sexy lady devil cake to lure it out... what it worked for the Cake Boss. And yes that happened, Allison Pregler did an episode on that episode. Check it out. 

Next Time On Lilo and Stitch Crossovers: It’s the family, the family, proud familllyyy as the Prouds take a vacation at Peakly and Jumbas bed but not breakfast and we get some kind of squirrel demon for our experiment of the week. We also get Wizard Kelly appearing...

See you at the next rainbow. 

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Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

Time to Barn Hard

Here we go... With under 24 hours until the kickoff of Auburn’s 2020 season, the luminaries here at College & Magnolia offer their sage opinions on what Tiger fans will see tomorrow afternoon. Most of us see a close contest destined to give us that all too familiar fall Saturday heartburn but there are a few brave souls who are prepared to barn hard no matter what.

Auburn (-7.5) vs Kentucky (O/U 49.5)

2019 Auburn fans won’t recognize 2020 Auburn. Bo Nix is going to take a huge leap forward. His receivers are healthy for game one. Our fearless leader has finally found someone he trusts enough to manage playcalling duties. The defense will reload with All-Conference (and maybe All-American) talent. A talented (and deep!) group of hard-hitting running backs. Pre-season optimism has overwhelmed pre-game jitters for me. Look for Chad Morris to show off all his weapons Saturday. He has a tendency to put up a lot of points in his first game at a new school. Brace yourselves, Wildcats. Let’s barn hard, yall.

Auburn 48

Kentucky 14

-Josh Dub

I was talking with a friend of my wife’s the other day and she asked how I thought Auburn would do. I was raised by an old school Auburn fan who taught me to sandbag and say that we were just hoping that everyone buckled their chin straps correctly and that they just had fun out there. That was met with my wife telling her, I always do this. I responded by saying that I just lower the bar so that, when they win by 40 in a game I don’t expect, I get the rush of being a kid again and genuinely happy when Auburn wins.

That said! HERE WE GO!

Auburn has got stars everywhere on the outside and in the backfield but a bunch of green horns on the starting line on offense, so IF Chad Morris (or Gus if he is still calling the plays) can use quick screens and....this route called a slant...to hide the fact that the Auburn offensive line will look a lot like the French army circa 1938, then they might buy a few chances for Anders to kick some field goals.

On defense, you don’t lose D Brown and Marlon and get better. You probably don’t maintain the production you had last year on the D-Line. You can get back there, but that takes time and experience. That said, I am a bit more bullish on the defense as a whole. There is a ton of talent to go around on the line and the secondary and the Linebackers may be the best in the conference. Once again, the defense will keep Auburn in every game for the most part. And that new line will be tested against a really well coached, running offense that Kentucky brings to the Plains.

I love what Mark Stoops has been able to build in Lexington, and sort of done what Matt Campbell has done at Iowa State, that team you just don’t want to see cause they are scrappy and will take advantage of your mistakes. On the betting lines, I am staying away from this one with spendy cashy monies but with fakey non-existant moneies, I love the Cats getting a touchdown and a hook because I see this one being in the 3-4 range with Auburn probably winning, just based on history and going with my heart, but I could totally see Kentucky pulling this off as well.

Gimme Auburn over Kentucky 27-24 and the defense had to get a late stop to seal this one away. Nothing like a late missed FG to start that stomach ulcer.

(betting pick: UK and the points, Over at 51)

-Drew Mac

Auburn *should* win this game. Auburn *should* have the talent advantage. But hey, this is 2020. Who knows what havoc Covid will have wrought on install for any given team.

That being said, I trust Bo Nix’s development as a true sophomore. I think this Auburn team, while still going through some growing pains, will finally start to hit on explosive plays with a veteran WR corps. This Kentucky defense is not the one that one 10 games two years ago.

The only way things go sideways is if the retooled defensive line can’t stop the Kentucky ground game, which is an extremely valid concern. The Wildcats have three returning backs who combined for 1,900 yards and 18 TDs while sharing the spotlight with Lynn Bowden Jr last year, and Terry Wilson is no slouch. I think the Auburn linebackers are going to have to earn their keep as best LB group in the SEC here in week 1.

Auburn takes this one with some big plays through the air and a defense that bucks up in the second half. 27-13 Auburn.

-Ryan Sterritt

I’m a huge proponent of playing a patsy in week 1. In a normal season fall camp doesn’t really give a complete picture of how an offensive line communicates in real time, how well the quarterback has his timing down with his receivers, if the tailback has fumbling problems, mike linebacker being able to switch the defensive alignment based on tendencies, etc. etc. But if you can’t play a patsy I’m a huge proponent of playing a top 10 team who will keep you engaged without distractions leading up to kickoff and will tell you so much about where you can go from here. What you don’t want is a trap game in week 1.

Folks what we have here is a trap game in week 1.

We’re 14 points better than Kentucky. I genuinely believe that. Talent wise and coaching we’re at least 2 scores better than this football team at home. And it does not matter one bit thanks to COVID.

I am so concerned over what we’re going to look like out there considering how many guys were held out at various points of our extended fall camp thanks to COVID. Which wouldn’t be as big of a deal in a normal year, even though it would still be a big deal, but OH YEAH WE HAD NO SPRING PRACTICE. So in keeping with my tradition of being absolutely God awful at Barnin’ Hard, this tiger ain’t changing his stripes for this one.

Keys to victory:

- Stop a Kentucky ground attack with a defensive line that is fully capable of plugging the gaps and have your linebackers make plays in space. This will only work if our corners, who will be in a lot of one on one situations, make plays. Jaylin Simpson is the guy that will get picked on, and this is a fine opportunity for the redshirt freshman to get thrown into the deep end to see if he’ll sink or swim in his first meaningful snaps. If he can hold his own, we’re in good shape.

- Establish an intermediate passing attack early in this game. Keep their defense off balance early on the offensive script and allow Bo Nix and an offensive line that will struggle but has a higher ceiling than that of the last 2 seasons gain some confidence early.

- Get the fastest player in all of college football 10 touches/targets for the day. This one may appear in all 10 entries of “Keys to Victory” for our schedule this year. Scheme to get Anthony Schwartz the ball in multiple ways. And then scheme off of it to get other players in positions to be in favorable coverages.

- Rotate your running backs in a way that makes sense instead of giving the “guy with the hot hand” 25 carries. This running back room is deeper and more talented than it has been since the healthy parts of 2016/2017 for Pettway and KJ. Give these guys a chance to punish Kentucky’s defense with fresh legs for 4 quarters. Make them hate playing us.

- Oh, and finally, get some sound sleep and show up alert for an 11 AM kickoff. I don’t need to explain to any of you why this is obviously something we should all worry over.

All in all I think being at home does matter, despite 20,000 people in the stands. Traveling in these uncertain times has to account for something, right?

Auburn 27 Kentucky 21

-Josh Black

If the first few weeks of football are any indication, I’m expecting some low scoring sloppy games on Saturday. And while Auburn’s rivals have essentially “warmup games” to start their season, Auburn will play another ranked opponent in Week 1. That’s JABA right?

Anyways, I’m really excited to see this group of Running Backs led by Captain Shaun Shivers this season. I’m really excited to see Shaun get the opportunity to start and it’ll be interesting to see how many carries he and the rest of the RBs get on Saturday. This is an experienced receiving corps too led by Seth Williams, “Flash” Anthony Schwartz and veteran Eli Stove.

The biggest question to me (other than the offensive line) will be the defensive line as it’s hard replacing Derrick Brown and Marlon Davidson. And we can all hope for better O-Line play this season and a more mature Bo Nix as he enters Year 2 as the starting QB.

As I said earlier, I’m thinking this is a low-scoring game and I’m a bit concerned about this one, with the 11AM kick and all but I’ll take Auburn in a close one.

Auburn 17 Kentucky 14

-Will McLaughlin

I firmly believe Auburn has a significant talent advantage at the skill positions in this matchup. Yes the Cats have an athletic QB, a strong stable of backs, intriguing WRs and a surprisingly good secondary but across the board I’ll take Auburn. However, it won’t matter if the Tigers lose the line of scrimmage battle which is way more likely than any of us wanna imagine.

As you have probably read, heard, seen by now, Kentucky has one of the best offensive lines in the country. This isn’t a group made up of 3-star kids with heart. Left tackle Landon Young was a 5-star recruit. Center Drake Jackson was a 4-star ranked as a top 150 player. Future NFLer Darian Kinnard was a 4-star recruit as well. This is both an experienced AND talented front who enjoy physically beating the hell out of their opponents. Everyone in the world knew that a run play was likely coming last fall and it rarely mattered. While I trust Rodney Garner & Kevin Steele to rebuild this front 4 for the Tigers, I am concerned about them being ready to go week 1. Even with Derrick Brown and Marlon Davidson last year, Oregon pushed around the Tigers for one half. This UK OL is of the same calibre and it wouldn’t shock me if they came out the gate with similar success.

Then there’s the other side of the ball where the UK return plenty of experience of a solid front 7. However, they were actually pretty porous against the run last fall allowing over 5 yards a carry against SEC competition. The problem is I am not sure if Auburn is ready to take advantage. In most years, when I see a defense susceptible to the run, I expect an AU victory that borders on dominant. I just don’t know if the Tigers though will be ready to go on Saturday.

That’s why Anders Carlson will be the x-factor. I think Auburn’s offense will look disjointed but generate enough explosive plays to get into UK territory consistently. They don’t put the ball in the end zone as much as we would like but Anders knocks through 4 big kicks. The defense rebounds from a rough first quarter to limit the UK offense to only 2 touchdowns on the day. Auburn recovers a late onside kick to escape with a hard won victory.

Auburn 26 Kentucky 20

-AU Nerd

Auburn at 11am.

Auburn in season openers.

Auburn as favorites vs hungry teams.

Yuck. I am finding it hard to Barn as hard...——record scratch—-

(The boys are back in town starts playing)

Just kidding!

The Boys are back!

Guys we are gonna kill em.

Auburn 34- Kats 24

-Son of Crow

Most of the time I have some idea of what to expect. There’s a gut feeling, an inkling, an intuition. Even days when I publicly avow a big win, and we end up losing, I realize that I knew it deep in my soul. This time, I have nothing. I guess that’s what 2020 will do to a man. I can’t pick this game with my heart or my gut, so I have to go with the limited knowledge that we’ve been able to glean from the practice fields. Somehow, Gus has kept it tighter than usual this season. He’s keeping spies, leaks, and COVID out of the fold.

It’s not a big secret that Auburn’s level of talent is superior across the board, but Kentucky might have the mix of experience to go along with its skill to make this a very scary opening contest. We’ve heard that the Wildcats’ lines are both going to be solid, and that gives us a flashback of what the Oregon offense was able to do for about a half last year in Arlington. Auburn can’t afford a slow start on Saturday, because we’ll be breaking in a new offensive line. Now, that might not be the worst thing in the world — our line last year was nothing much to write home about — but they started to get better down the stretch. That said, this year’s group might be more maulers than linemen. Sometimes you just need some dudes being guys up front to push people around. We might have that, thus the run game could come to life with a much more talented group in the backfield. Not to mention, Bo Nix’s sophomore development with a true quarterback coach could be something unparalleled.

Kentucky will give us a fight, but there’s no way I’m picking us to lose this game. It’ll probably be close, and uncomfortably so for a while I’d wager. Still, the home “crowd” and the overall talent win out in the end. I think someone else mentioned Anders Carlson being a weapon in this one, and I agree. I think he hits 3 kicks and Auburn scores 3 touchdowns. Tigers 30-21.

-Jack Condon

In our preseason predictions I pegged this as one of the three games that Auburn could lose, and had it at the top of my list as the one I’m most worried about. That may seem weird, but we really just have no clue how any team, including our own is going to look on Saturday. We’ve all seen how bad some of these other teams already playing have looked, and I guess people think that there’s no way their own team could look that bad, but I’m not so sure. That said, I believe this Auburn team has all the components necessary to be better than last season and thus easily handle a Kentucky team that is, well they’re Kentucky. The new look offense should give an older, more seasoned Bo Nix a chance to throw some higher percentage passes, we have an SEC caliber stable of running backs for the first time in a couple of seasons, and presumably a fully healthy group of receivers. The new-look offensive line doesn’t concern me at all, because, well, I’ve lived through the last two seasons. At this point Kevin Steele and co. have earned my utmost confidence that the defense will pick up right where they left off.

Tigers 37 - Cats 12

-AU Chief

Man alive I wish I wasn’t so worried about this. Kentucky is well coached. They know what they are, and they don’t try to do things outside their comfort zone. Their strengths could cause problems for us. And yet, Auburn has more talent. 2020 is going to be a weird year, but I think having better athletes is going to win out more often than not, because teams are going to have to keep things simple. I like everything I’m hearing out of fall camp. I still don’t know about that line though. I could see a backdoor cover for UK where Auburn has to recover an onside kick to clinch things. I could see a front door cover for Auburn putting the game away late. I’ll stay on the safe side.

Auburn 24

Kentucky 17

(Auburn wins, UK covers; under)

-James Jones

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2020/9/25/21456468/staff-picks-8-auburn-vs-23-kentucky

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HIDE & SEEK THE SEWING SAINTS Episode 3 of GKWC

GOAT KING WRITERS CLUB, The loosest storytelling Podcast in all the land, were we don’t let Grammar get in the way of a good yarn.

HIDE & SEEK By Nathan Hull

Contrary to popular belief the fun and games began when i lost my eye. Both eyes to be exact, i'm still not sure how it happened. I was sitting at home bored attempting to do my taxes, when out of nowhere darkness took over... at the exact same time i heard two dull slaps as my peepers hit the floor and rolled off to who knew where.

At first i was shocked and slightly worried, life could possibly become a touch hard without vision. I panicked, flailing around my kitchen smashing and crashing into anything in my proximity before i tripped on a rogue jam jar and hit the ground hard. I was down for some time, contemplating my options when it struck me, this was the greatest thing to ever happen.

In my youth i was a champion hide and seek player, i spent those years traveling from town to town, seeking out hidden children to rapturous applause, from those communities slack jawed populations. Life had been great. That is until i turned 14 and all of a sudden i was forced into retirement. A large man child with unkept strands of facial hair and increasingly bad body odor was NOT who parents wantedwanted hunting there children out of hidey holes, no matter how much of a genius i was at the fine art of hide and seek. It had been a cruel blow i never recovered from. I spent my teenage years home schooled with no friends and little connection with the real world. My parents never forgave me for becoming a teenager, and ruining all of our lucrative sports wear contracts, and their for cutting off our family's main source of income. As i grew i stayed introverted i was ashamed when people brought up my past. They would hide under tables in pubs and restaurants, laughing at me sadly pointing them out to there friends. I had no purpose no real reason to exist i was just floating through life aimlessly. But now... now I had a reason to exist, the greatest game of hide and seek ever, a blind depressed Thirty five year old vs his missing eyes. It was an epic match, it went on for days. I ran into walls, i crawled along the floor, i rolled and flipped and fell and sniffed and listened employing every visionless technique i new during the search.

Eventually almost defeated from dehydration and hunger i swiped out and like two delicious dust covered balls of bubble gum my eyes where back in my hands.I slowly put them back in there respective sockets i took in all i could see, i smiled life was beautiful. I took a drink, ate a ham sandwich and had a well deserved rest. Then i took a spoon popped each eye out and threw them in opposing directions, it was game on again.....a life worth living again. 

THE SEWING SAINTS By Sean Conway

It was a calendar anomaly that Susan had never experienced. Two of the biggest holidays in Susan’s diary converging on a Friday and Saturday night, to form a magical weekend of debauchery.

National Sewing Machine Day was crossing paths with National Bourbon Day. A pair of holiday’s that mean very little to the regular Tom Dick and Harry, But for Susan who is a member of the local sewing group this was a very big deal. Despite their wholesome name, the Sewing Saints are notorious amongst the sewing fraternity for two reasons, first for agreeing to sew the patches for the most diabolical bikie gang in the country The Diablos and second for when Abby McMillion stabbed a rival Sewing group member and received a 4 year sentence in the state penitentiary and garnering the nickname Stabby Abby.

Every year the rival sewing groups would meet up for their annual get together and this year it was the Sewing Saints turn to organise the shin dig. This party took 12 months of planning, and the event was to be held at the Diablos club house, with music by DJ WhizDik and would have so much alcohol, cocaine and prostitutes, it would put the local police Christmas party to shame.

The party was going off without a hitch, the ladies were drinking, dancing, and sneaking off to any free room with their younger male counterparts, even Stabby Abby was cutting lines for the lady she stabbed 4 years earlier.

After an hour of decadence, the bikie prospect Shit Sticks ran through the door to warn the women of the impending danger that was approaching but before he could he was shot dead by a Mexican cartel member. As the cartel member walked triumphantly through the clubhouse, he was somewhat surprised by the lack of bikie members and the overwhelming number of old ladies, but before he could wrap his head around this conundrum he collapsed to the ground with a broken bottle in his throat and Stabby Abby standing over his lifeless corpse.

A drug war between The Diablos and the Mexican cartels had been brewing for years and the Sewing Saints were in the eye of the storm.

Susan lead the charge alongside Stabby Abby, arming every woman and prostitute and demanded they hold the line. With cocaine running through their veins these once old geriatrics fired round after round into the wave of cartel foot shoulders charging the bikie club house.

These old Dames fired on the cartels, but it was no use, for every member they shot 2 more would appear. They fired so furiously that if they continued, they would run out of ammunition before the end of the next Whizdik song Susan knew that there was only one way to win this battle, and that was to plant a bomb in the path of the charging cartel. As she collected the explosives needed for the suicide mission, she was stopped at the exit by Stabby Abby who starred into her eyes with blood lust and said “you’re not going without me” before doing a bump of coke off her clenched fist and running into the wilderness.

The clubhouse was eerily quiet, the music had stopped, the ammunition had run out and the only thing you could hear is the gurning of the old timers jaws.

KABOOM I giant orange light illuminated the midnight darkness followed by the sound of blood and guts raining down on the clubhouse that caused an air of excitement amongst the people in the room. The excitement had quickly turned to mourning as they realised their survival had cost the Sewing Saints their two greatest assets, the room collectively dropped their heads in despair for the lose of Susan and Stabby Abby

“What are all you sluts mopping around for” a blood soaked Stabby Abby screamed walking arm in arm with Susan to the thunderous roar of coke filled seniors.

Susan sat at the bar feeling content, sipping her first Bourbon on National Bourbon Day watching on as the old biddies danced and snorted lines. She smiled because she knew, The Sewing Saints had put on the best damn National Sewing Machine Day party ever.

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Let’s Save The Hitman

In my eyes wrestling is corny, formulaic, and whenever someone tries something creative for the sake of change it is immediately the worst. There’s a fine line between PG and PG-13 the WWE walks today. In some ways for the better. The women, while often forgotten, aren’t treated primarily as sex objects. Wrestlers of various ethnicities are treated better, at least in their on-screen portrayal. The Attitude Era content fans yearn to return never will. No matter the platform WWE finds itself on they want to appeal to children to obtain mainstream credibility they enjoyed for a very brief time in the Hulk Hogan-era, and in 2000. You can gauge how in-vogue wrestling is with the casual audience with if one of them hosts Saturday Night Live.

As of today, the WWE doesn’t know what it wants to be. Every year they beg celebrities to show their faces for WrestleMania for that mainstream appeal. They are also grooming Shane McMahon to be the edgy, son of a billionaire heel to fill his father’s shoes from The Attitude Era. Women are challenging man’s masculinity on live television on Raw, then on Smackdown the champion is hugging little children on the way to the ring. C.M Punk is right when he describes wrestling as the most “bipolar” industry.

In 1997 the WWE appealed solely to the crowd who wanted the edgier product. The rejection of the clean-cut Babyface Bret Hart and his stereotypical tendencies, despite his superior in-ring and fine promo skills, the days of the black and white were long over. In ‘97 World Championship Wrestling simply was kicking WWF’s ass. The New World Order was setting the landscape on fire. Heel Hogan rejuvenated his career. It didn’t even matter the wrestling matches featuring the nWo were subpar. The characters were just that great. Meanwhile, the WWF in late in the year knew what had to be done, only they lacked the funds to do it. It wasn’t enough to give the red hot “Stone Cold” Steve Austin the title. Vince McMahon needed more juice in the building for the occasion. He set his eyes for heavyweight champion Mike Tyson. His expensive price tag was paid after McMahon ran Bret out of the WWF into the arms of WCW. WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

The first hurdle McMahon had to conquer wasn’t simply getting the belt off Bret. It was the squeeze a pay day out of the illustrious Shawn Michaels/Bret Hart rivalry before The Hitman walked out the door. The two have worked in singles matches only twice prior. The first time at Survivor Series, 1992, and the famous Iron-Man Match at WrestleMania XII. Each match a four-in-a-half star affair. The two were penciled to have a rubber-match for WrestleMania XIII. Except the champion Michaels “Lost his smile”.

Translation: “I’m the champion. I don’t have to do jobs for anybody. Also, my knee hurts.”

As you can imagine, this caused a rift between The Heartbreak Kid and The Hitman. Prior to Survivor Series, in 1997, all Hart asked McMahon was he’d end his WWF career with his dignity. McMahon insisting he drop the championship to Michaels. Hart won the title from The Undertaker at Summerslam earlier in the year.

The infamous Montreal Screwjob ruined the life of one of the greatest performers the business had ever seen. While simultaneously catapulting the cutthroat McMahon above his competitors to the point he currently holds a monopoly on the wrestling industry. (We’ll see how All Elite Wrestling does)

So what-if a compromise was reached? Or if the whole scene was avoided all together? Obviously the Monday Night War continues into the 21st century. Even as WCW decayed under the inmates running the asylum (*coughs Hulk Hogan*) if the company never felt the need to try anything different after losing their lead in the ratings maybe the company is still around today? With no “Mr. McMahon” character to act as a foil for the anti-Hero Austin how much of what made Stone Cold so great is missed?

How do we arrive at such an occurrence? Simple. Have The Undertaker go over Bret Hart at Summerslam. Referee Michaels catches Bret using a chair on Undertaker and disqualifies him. The stipulation for this match was if Hart were to lose he would no longer compete on American soil. This is earth shattering to the WWF world in 1997 if Hart had to adhere to this stipulation. Hard to imagine this not being an appropriate end for Hart’s WWF career if his heel run comes to a screeching halt at the hands of his arch nemesis. The Madison Square Garden crowd goes bonkers obviously buying the now anti-American Hart.

With no Monday Night Raw scheduled for Canada we probably never see Hart wrestle for the WWF again. Fun fact: his contract was expired by the time Survivor Series rolled around. He didn’t have to work the show. Being the champion at the time he felt obliged. If we do arrive at Survivor Series in Montreal with Hart and Michaels main eventing HBK is the one with the belt. You need this match to have the belt at stake. Is the sting of Montreal still momentous if Hart is screwed out of the title he did not have? I have no clue. It’s awfully hard to believe Hart refusing to do the job if Michaels was already champion at Survivor Series. The circumstances would be different. Michaels could retain via D.Q. McMahon wouldn’t be so hellbent on destroying Hart’s reputation Canada. Perhaps a more dignified exit means no racist angle involving the D-Generation X vs The Hart Foundation vs The Nation of Domination? People forget how clumsy and nonsensical the early stages of The Attitude Era was. HBK and Triple H frequently would crack unfunny, immature jokes. They would blabber on and on and find themselves miles away from the initial subject matter.

Hopefully, in this universe, Undertaker retaining washes all of that away. As for Undertaker, Michaels probably gets the belt at either of the In Your House PPVs prior to Survivor Series. ‘Taker’s younger brother Kane was scheduled to debut at Badd Blood. So his appearance can cause ‘Taker to lose the belt to Michaels and transition both participants to the next story.

Scenario Number 2: The Patriot Defeats Bret at IYH: Ground Zero

Hey! Remember The Patriot? Of course you don’t! Nobody does. But for a brief time (oh, so brief) Del Wilkes was red hot debuting in the WWF after stints in Japan and WCW, popping in just as Bret got one over on Michaels and won the belt from ‘Taker at Summerslam. The Patriot didn’t take too kindly to Hart’s defaming America and challenged him to match on July 14th edition of Raw is War. With a little help from The Showstoppa' Patriot scores a monumental upset win over Hart. Sgt. Slaughter acting as commissioner later ordered The Hitman to defend his recently won title against the Patriot at Ground Zero: In Your House.

Funny side-note: this is the feud that turned Vader face. While Vader and Hart were slugging it out for the title on Raw the Hart Foundation attacked Vader, The Patriot ran out to make the save. The next week The Patriot found himself triple-teamed by Bret, Owen and the British Bulldog where Vader repaid the favor by saving Patriots’ bacon.

Del Wilkes was an average wrestler. He spoke in a slow southern accent, lacked charisma and his backstory never was a mystery despite wearing a mask. His gimmick didn’t make much. Why was he wearing a mask if he was a Lucha Libra? The video package prior to the match tells us who The Patriot is. Informing us he played offensive tackle for the South Carolina Gamecocks with Heisman Trophy winner running back George Rogers.

Watching the match I’m convinced Bret could make me look like a thousand dollars because he made The Patriot look like a million. While the crowd chanted “Austin! Austin! Austin!”, I found myself engrossed. Even though I was well aware of the outcome, with each near-fall I wondered if the upset was possible.

I’m sure Wilkes was a hard worker, but he was not championship material. That all being said, if there was ever a night to crown a Cinderella it was right then and there. Even if it was for ONE NIGHT no matter the aftermath the WWE today could have benefited from an out of nowhere challenger turn champion back when their belts meant something.

In his promos after conquering Michaels, and ‘Taker, Hart still is nagging about how the American fans don’t appreciate him. It’s so bizarre. He is on top of the world and can’t transition from complaining to gloating self-righteousness. I don’t fault Hart for this. Creative just saw him as a whiny heel. But then why give him the belt if you were only going to write him a certain way?

You can have Hart win the title back on Raw (even on the night after Ground Zero), or turn Vader heel and take advantage of a weakened, naive Patriot. Be nice to see what Vader could have done with the WWF World Championship around his waist.

To close out this scenario, I searched for Wilkes on Twitter. He is unverified. Also, he’s a MAGA chud. What is it with wrestlers having terrible political beliefs???

Scenario 3: Owen Hart defeated Shawn Michaels to face Bret at WrestleMania XII

We never really did get that Bret vs Owen rubber-match. The two put on absolute clinics to open WrestleMania X in 1994, and a couple months later at Summerslam. Owen winning the first in an upset over his brother. Bret won the steel cage rematch for the world title. It was Owen’s only world title match. The little brother would never rise outside of the mid-card for the rest of his career. It’s unfair for a great many reasons. Owen was the most technically sound wrestler - even more than Bret. Arguably, Owen was superior on promos because there’s more depth in his heel persona than Bret’s portrayal as a face. After his victory at ‘Mania Owen delivered a stuttering, delusional promo. Owen simply didn’t know how to handle the success overcoming his big brother, feeling he’s finally escaped The Hitman’s shadow — only for Bret to win the world title hours later over Yokozuna.

In 1996 in the run-up to WrestleMania XII the red hot Shawn Michaels recently turned face and was gearing up to take the torch from Bret, having won his second straight Royal Rumble; in his first win, he did it coming in at number one. But Owen earned the right to challenge Michaels’ #1 contender status at In Your House: Rage In The Cage. The two put on an absolute show ending in HBK solidifying his status as the one to challenge Bret at ‘Mania. HBK would go on to win the strap, Bret would go on to dip his toes in acting.

But what-If Owen beat HBK? What-if his manager Jim Cornette waffled Michaels with his tennis racket while the referee was distracted and Owen got the cheap pin?

Well, for starters: it will be the first year where the Royal Rumble winner wouldn’t have gone on to challenge for the title at ‘Mania. A scheme McMahon didn’t concoct until the Rumble Rey Mysterio won in the prelude of WrestleMania XXII a decade later.

Owen relinquishes his brother of the strap, as Bret would not have any qualms doing the honors for his brother like he did in their first matchup since he was already leaving. This wipes away Michaels losing his smile, and Owen nearly killing Austin at Summerslam ‘97.

Owen and Bret meet for WrestleMania XIII, so no iconic submission match for Austin (we’re just cutting off Stone Cold’s legs right now). Austin probably finds himself challenging the white-meat Babyface Rocky Maivia for the I.C title. He probably does the job for Rocky. No feud with Bret means no heat for Austin.

If either of these scenarios became reality we’re watching WCW right now. There’s no way without sacrificing Hart the WWF could have overcome the Atlanta base promotion. At the end of the day, the bad guy did win. It’s a damn shame. But that’s the real world.

[moonawrites]

Football, Calculus and Cappuccinos: Ch. 2

At eighteen years old, James Potter is a rising football star navigating the politics of professional football, the pitfalls of sudden fame, the fallout from choosing his dream over his father’s company… and a serious crush on the red headed new barista at his favourite coffee shop. (Jily, AU)

FFN | AO3 | Chapter 1

Chapter 2: Why are you staring at me?

James Potter’s legs are aching.

He always gives his best during training. But lately, Samuel Aguado watches him constantly, so James can’t just do well. He needs to be perfect. Aguado, who was a midfielder at Real Madrid when he retired from play ten years ago, is a Spanish football legend in his own right. But that’s not why his opinion matters to James. Now, Aguado is Chelsea’s manager, and that means James’ future with the team lays primarily in his hands.

And though Wednesday training is always the toughest – every movement from the week of training and matches before weighs down on James’ tired muscles – this particular Wednesday is worse. With the match against Arsenal only three days away, the pressure is that much higher: the better he does now, the better shot he’ll have at playing a significant amount of time on Saturday. James has to work twice as hard to impress Aguado and earn play time.

It’ the second last training day before the match, so they’ve mostly been doing exercises to perfect plays and refine tactics, working on getting more comfortable with Aguado’s new preferred formation. But the morning training session had also included one of James’ most hated training exercises: the beep test. Aguado, of course, had watched.

The beep test involves running twenty meter distances again and again in increasingly short amounts of time, until you miss the time limit, or you simply can’t run anymore – it’s one way Aguado likes to evaluate his squad’s fitness and endurance. It’s effective, and James gets it – but it’s a massive energy suck, and always leaves him exhausted. And this time, he had something to prove.

Everyone knows James is fast. But James knows Aguado has been worried that at eighteen, he doesn’t have the stamina some of the more experienced players have. With a score of 17.5 on the test that morning (impressive even by professional football standards), he has put that worry soundly to bed. In fact, he had been the last one running. At the time, James was too exhausted to care, his legs all but giving out underneath him. But looking back on it, it gives him a thrill. He loves doing better than the first team players at anything, even the damn beep test. Each time he does, he hopes Aguado gets the message: You see? I can play with them. I belong here.

So far, the afternoon session has been excellent, too. James has scored a few goals, including a spectacular goal off a corner kick during a six vs. six exercise that Aguado had loved. Williams had taken the corner and sent the ball right to him, and James had taken control with a header to Jones. He’d moved up in time to receive the ball as Jones volleyed it back, juggling the ball from his left foot to his thigh. Then he’d made a clean shot directly past the goalkeeper’s outstretched arms. Excellent ball control, and a perfectly angled, impossibly fast shot that no one could have stopped: it was a perfect moment.

Since that moment, James has felt an extra hit of adrenaline zipping through his system – whether it’s from the usual thrill of playing good football, or the new thrill of Aguado’s praise and appreciative claps on the back hardly matters. All the extra effort has paid off, but now nearing the end of the day, James is reaching the limits of his stamina. Even after taking a nap before his afternoon training, James’ legs are aching. He feels tired to his bones.

But the day isn’t over yet. After going through several drills, they are closing the session with another mock match, nine vs. nine this time. And Aguado is still watching, so James needs to keep playing, and he needs to be perfect.

James begs his legs for five more minutes of cooperation and zeroes in on the ball as Jordi Price, one of their midfielders, throws it back into play. All at once, James forgets the aches and every other thing around him.

Michael Coleman, Chelsea’s star forward and one of James’ long-time idols, has possession now. He weaves through the midfield with an effortless ease that James can’t help but envy.

James and Coleman are playing on opposite sides in this exercise, which is for the best. Though he is fine playing anywhere in the attacking zone, James is at his best playing left winger – and so, unfortunately, is Coleman. When they play on the same side, James has to play right wing or move back to the midfield. Playing a different position is a little bit tougher, but James is a versatile player and good enough to manage that just fine. It’s Coleman’s personal distaste for him that makes it tricky. James had been disheartened to find that one of his heroes was just a self-absorbed, unprofessional arsehole with a particular dislike for him, but he has come to terms with that fact now. He can’t care about who likes him anymore, he has bigger goals to worry about.  

“Potter, Hussain, move up!” Aguado yells from the sidelines. “The transition between attack and defense needs to happen faster.”

James follows his instructions, running up closer to the action. “Stay there, keep to the outside!” Aguado calls, and James slows. He doesn’t take his eye of the ball for a moment, keeping track of every player around him.

Coleman gets through the wall in their midfield and makes a stellar cross (damn it, he’s so fucking good, James can almost forget what a jerk he is) to Miller, who is in a good spot to shoot from.

Miller takes the shot, and it comes off the post. James isn’t surprised – he’s noticed that Miller never gets it in from the right, this close to the goalpost. It’s a fine angle, it’s just not his.

Anderson, a defender on his side, takes possession of the ball as it ricochets off the post and heads it towards Williams, who starts a run back towards the halfway line with it.

James feels a thrum in his veins as he moves up ahead of Williams. He’s aware of where every player is and where they’re moving, as though he’s watching pieces on a chessboard. Responding to their movements, adjusting his own position accordingly – it feels as natural to him as walking.

Williams passes the ball to him.

James weaves through midfielders and defenders, the ball moving with him like an extension of his own feet.

In his periphery, he sees Amar Hussain on his left - an attacking midfielder and their captain. One of his icons who has turned out to be as incredible off the pitch as he is on it.

James doesn’t take his eyes off the goal in front of him. It’s too heavily defended right now for him to risk losing the ball for, but he surges forward as if to shoot… and so quickly it takes the others a moment to spot what he’s done, he’s passed the ball behind him, back to Amar.

As Amar rushes forward in the brief moment of disorientation James has won them, James makes to position himself at the bottom left of the penalty box, his sweet spot for scoring. There’s a clear line from Amar to him, and then from him to the goal. He’d seen the move play out in his head just before he put it motion – it’s perfectly executed so far, it’s a sure thing if Amar completes the final pass just right, and James knows that he will.

It all happens in a split second. Amar kicks the ball at exactly the right moment. The defenders move for it, realizing a second too late that James is going to take the shot, not Amar. Coleman sees it, and he’s closing in on his right, but James is faster.

James gets there first as he knew he would. He’s going to take a perfect shot and watch it sore past their reserve goalkeeper’s head.

The ball is at his feet, he’s surging forward, his blood singing in anticipation – and then Coleman lunges straight at him.

James feels an elbow ram into his ribs with excruciating force – they’re both moving so fast – and he’s on the ground before he even feels the pain, landing awkwardly on his left shoulder. Only after James is down does Coleman touch the ball, kicking it with a force that sends it all the way back across the halfway line.

From the ground, James blinks up at him in shock. Coleman’s expression is vicious and satisfied, though by the sound of the whistle blowing and his teammates shouting around him, everyone else knows what James knows: if this was a real match, that would be a red card. Coleman hadn’t been going for the ball, he had been going for James.

There’s a commotion around him that James can’t keep track of. He wants to cuss the bastard out – it had been a perfect play, a perfect chance that he had created and would have delivered on. It would have been a perfect moment, Aguado would have been so impressed. But no sound escapes him as he sits up slowly, dazed and in pain, his ribs on fire and his shoulder aching.

Aguado and a medic are at his side in an instant, Amar is kneeling down next to him, and Coleman is strolling off the pitch like nothing has happened. James had initially interpreted Coleman’s dislike as aloofness and a general attitude of superiority, an international celebrity who just has no time for an academy player, but now he feels like it’s personal. He had been disappointed to discover someone he looked up to was just a shit person severely lacking in sportsmanship off camera, but now he’s furious.

James wants to leap to his feet and knock Coleman to the ground, repay him for his little stunt with a sound punch to the face. Thankfully, he’s in too much pain to act on an impulse that would be sure to knock him off Saturday’s lineup. Instead, a new panic settles over him: what if he’s really injured? What if he can’t play on Saturday? If this causes an injury that would have him miss the match, he might kill Coleman on the spot. He waits, anger and anxiety coursing through him in turns, as the medic assesses the damage.

“There’s going to be some bruising. Keep some ice on it,” the medic says after a long moment, handing him an ice pack. James nods, holding it in place under his shirt as he sits up. “You’ll need to go in for a massage after training, I’ll leave special instructions for your shoulder with Alina,” he says. Alina is one of the team’s best masseuses. She’s excellent for speeding up recovery.

“I’m okay to play though, right?” James asks anxiously.

“After some rest, yes,” the medic assures him.

James lets out a relieved breath and nods – he can stay calm now. A bruise he can handle. With a bruise, he can bite his tongue and swallow down his anger. “Thank you.”

Chest heaving with exertion form the session, James picks himself up of the ground. He takes the bottle of water Amar passes him and takes a drink, squeezing it with unnecessary force, as though he can take his fury out on the harmless piece of plastic.

“What just happened, Potter?” Aguado demands. James can’t quite hold back the flash of anger on his face as he turns to the manager. Why is he asking him, as though he had done something wrong? But the constant reminders to keep his temper in check are loud in his mind right now.

James is constantly, acutely aware of the position he’s in – a youth team player being given the opportunity to play a match like this, even as a sub, is colossal. He can’t show up to the incredible opportunities the first team manager presents him with and then cuss him and his star player out.

“A bad tackle,” is all he says through gritted teeth, already walking off the pitch. “It’s nothing.”

A foul like this against a teammate in training is despicable behaviour, and Coleman will probably get a warning from Aguado and Amar – but James knows that their star player, such a key member of their squad, will not likely face any real consequences. Not unless James makes it a formal complaint, and he won’t do that. Whatever Coleman’s problem is, James wants no part in it, he doesn’t want the hassle, and he certainly doesn’t want to jeopardize their chances on Saturday.

Amar claps him on his good shoulder. “You did well, Potter. Quick thinking with that back pass.”

James only nods in thanks. It’s true, but in the moment it just feels like consolation, and it makes him feel small. Some of the other players pat him on the back as they walk past. He can feel Aguado’s eyes on him for a moment longer, then sees him walk towards Coleman in his peripheral, calling it a day and sending the rest of the team off the pitch.

Some days, James stays behind for additional one on one technical and physical training. But today, he’s at his end mentally and physically. Even the thought of just walking back to the dressing room and driving home makes him want to drop to the ground right there and sleep. Or cry. He’s so tired.

x.x.x.x.x

As James is leaving the massage room an hour later – feeling much better about mostly everything after the magic that has been worked on his body – he comes face to face with Samuel Aguado waiting outside in a crisp suit.  Off the pitch, Aguado always wears a suit. James halts, wondering what this is about, and waits for the manager to speak.

“How do those legs feel?” Aguado asks.

“Better now. Still sore, though,” James admits.

Aguado frowns, and motions for James to walk with him. “I don’t want you overexerting yourself. Go in for an ice bath before you leave today. And take Friday morning to rest – just forty-five minutes at the gym and ninety with the squad in the afternoon.”

James nods, falling into step beside him. “Got it.”

“You did well today. Deliver like that off a corner on Saturday, and I’ll take you out for drinks.”

James grins. “I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.”

They’re approaching Aguado’s office now, and James’ heart rate picks up. He wouldn’t talk to James about his place on the team without his agent present, but Aguado’s office means private feedback. It means face time with the first team manager that an academy player can only dream of. It might mean a telling off for what happened with Coleman, but James can’t imagine how anyone could possibly blame that on him.

“I need to see more aggression from you,” Aguado says as they walk. “You’re young and some of these players are your heroes. Forget that. They’re your peers now, and I need that temper.”

“Yes sir,” James says, a little surprised. His temper is verging on notorious, his style usually calculated and sleek and… appropriately aggressive, if required. James has picked up some cards playing with the academy and U-23s. He’s strategic about it though, and knows where to draw the line. Still, usually, he’s being told to keep his temper in check.

Inside his office, Aguado bypasses his desk and motions instead to a seat at a glass table by the window. James takes it, and Aguado sits across from him. The walls are decorated with pictures of Aguado holding every trophy James could ever dream of winning.

“The fact is, you may be an inexperienced kid, but when you play, it’s hard to tell. Don’t get pushed around. You had a scoring opportunity, and you lost it. You didn’t try to get Coleman out of the way and you assumed he’d do the same.” James nods. It’s true – he does sometimes have a hard time playing the same way with his icons as he does with the youth and U-23 teams. “What happened with Coleman today, I don’t want to see a repeat of that ever again.”

James swallows. “Yes sir,” he says again. God, he can hardly speak around him.

“Bring me that temper on Saturday, James. That fire I see when you play with the U-23s. It’s not just about the skill, I know you have that. I need to know you can hold your own against men with a decade of experience on you and who you may have looked up to. I need to see tackles, I need to see you fight back.”

“I’ll come ready to eat them alive,” James says with a nervous laugh. He has been working hard to stay constantly calm, collected – he wants to sigh in relief, hearing that Aguado wants him to respond.

Aguado nods, satisfied. “Come prepared to play, too. You will not be spending ninety minutes on the bench.”

James can’t stop his smile, only barely keeps his ass planted firmly in his seat instead of jumping up in excitement. “You’re saying I’m…?”

“Definitely playing? Yes. How long depends on how the match goes. But I’m giving you an opportunity to show us how you play when the stakes are high.”

James isn’t entirely sure how to respond. All he can manage around his racing heart is, “Wow… thank you, Sir.” Get it together, idiot.

“You’re fast, James, and you have a goal scoring intuition I haven’t seen in a player your age in a very long time. Now I don’t expect that you’ll score in your first match of this caliber – your job on Saturday is to do what you need to do to support the team, be where they need you to be. We have a very experienced squad, they’ve all played hundreds of matches like this. You just need to follow their ques.”

James frowns. “Are you telling me not to try to score?”

“No. I’m telling you not to beat yourself up for it if you don’t. You’re always hard on yourself, and that’s a good thing. But I want you to remember that it’s a different pace of play than academy or U-23 matches, you won’t be the best man on the pitch here.”

Ah. So Aguado is worried about James feeling stressed. Ha! As if a few kind words could alleviate that, even if they are from the one person whose opinion matters most. James is drowning in stress, all but choking on it. “I know that.”

“It’s also a different pace of play than the other matches you’ve played with the first team. It’s not a friendly. It’s not a low-pressure league game against a team we can handle easily – those got you acclimated to playing with this squad. But this is the Champion’s League, it’s the quarter finals, and it’s Arsenal.”

James leans forward excitedly, unable to control the grin on his face, even as Aguado stays perfectly neutral. “It’s the match.”

“Yes. What I’m saying is, a good performance from you in this match may not be the same as the usual good performance from you, and that’s fine. Play for the squad, help them, follow their lead. That’s what I’m looking for.”

James settles back down, commanding himself to calm the hell down. “Right.”

“However – your speed and intuition and technical skill might take them by surprise. They’re not expecting an academy player being tested in a match like this, but they also don’t know just how good you are. We do. You have a knack for creating chances no one else sees, you get through defenders like they’re not there, and when you run up with the ball, no one can keep pace with you. If the opportunity is there –”

“Or if I create it,” James cuts in.

Aguado pauses, the hint of a rare smile on his tanned face. “Yes. Then take it.”

“Sirius tells me you met a girl.”

James glances up from the salad he’s cutting and frowns at his mother. He’d been ready to fall asleep after training, and he’s still standing on aching, exhausted legs. But it’s Wednesday night, so he’s home for dinner at Euphemia’s request. As usual, her dark hair is atop her head in an elegant twist, and when she looks up from her task of putting the food into serving dishes, her warm brown eyes carry a hint of humour and mischief.

“What girl?” he asks casually. He knows what girl. James loves his mother with all his heart, but he knows this conversation is going nowhere good. Euphemia has a vested interest in James’ personal life, and wastes no opportunity to make fun of him. It’s quite rude, as she is his mother and should only ever dote on him and take his side, but Euphemia doesn’t feel that same sense of loyalty.

“The redhead,” she says. Of course, she knows that he knows what girl.

“So? Sirius met her too.”

“Sirius tells me you made a fool of yourself.”

“Why do you listen to what Sirius says?”

Euphemia fixes James with an accusing look. “Because he texts me more than you do. Honestly honey, would it kill you to call?”

“I see you several times a week, mother.”

“Yes well, so does Sirius. He still texts me.”

“Yes well, I am here helping with dinner and Sirius is off in some poor girl’s– ” at Euphemia’s horrified expression (honestly, as if she doesn’t know), James redirects “–well, he’s not here, at any rate.”

“Don’t deflect. I want to know about the redhead.”

James sighs. Euphemia will not be distracted, he knows this from experience. “I hardly know anything about her! I only met her once, briefly.”

“Well what do you know about her?”

“She works at The Rabbit Hole,” James says with a noncommittal shrug.

“That’s all?”

“Yes.”

“Is she pretty?”

“Yes mum, she’s a pretty girl that I met one time.” He looks at her pointedly and adds, “Because she made my coffee.”

“Sirius tells me she’s coming to your match on Saturday.”

Sirius needs a talking to. “Is that relevant?”

“Of course it is, darling. Did you invite her?”

James laughs. “No, I told you I just met her! She just happens to be going with her friends.”

“You know, girls love a football player.”

“Not Lily.”

Euphemia points her ladle accusingly at her son. “So you know her name and that she doesn’t like football players?”

James winces. “Yes. I suppose.”

“I didn’t raise a liar.”

“Yes you did. I lie all the time.”

“Like to Lily, about being a football player?”

James puts his knife down and picks up his phone. “I’m disinviting Sirius from dinner, hope you don’t mind.”

“Put that phone down. I need one boy here who tells me the truth.”

“How much do you already know, mother?” Now James points his phone at her accusingly.

“Well… all of it,” she admits, not looking the least bit ashamed of her trickery.

James is affronted.  Honestly, this woman is his mother! “And you’ve been acting all innocent. No wonder I turned out to be a pathological liar! You made me this way.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, James.” James mutinously cuts up the rest of the tomatoes. He thinks the conversation is over for a moment, but then, after some silence: “You haven’t had a girlfriend in ages.”

“Oh my God.”

“Why would you lie to a pretty girl the moment you met her?”

“I don’t know, why did you raise a liar?”

“Don’t sass me. I don’t care if you’ve moved out, I’ll still send you to your room.”

“Sorry. Also, I only broke up with Cecilia like two months ago.”

“She doesn’t count.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t like her. Can’t you date a nice girl?”

James rolls his eyes. “No. Nice girls want my time and energy, and I have neither.”

Euphemia frowns at her son. “You have no sense of romance.”

“No. But I have potential, backed up by drive and ambition. Isn’t that better?”

“Drive and ambition won’t give me grandchildren in five years.”

“I’m eighteen!” James balks, staring wide eyed at his mother.

“You’re nineteen in less than two months. Twenty-four is a perfectly decent age to have children.”

“You assume someone will actually want to procreate with him.” This from Sirius, who has let himself in and is strolling casually into the kitchen. James gives the traitor a dirty look as he walks over to Euphemia and kisses her cheek.

“A valid point,” Euphemia sighs, patting Sirius’ cheek. “If only he’d stop lying to every pretty girl he meets.”

James glares at them. Individually, they’re both a lot. But together, they are far too much. “I hate both of you, and I’m never coming to dinner again.”

“If you win on Saturday, I’m inviting Lily to the celebration party,” Sirius says happily, seamlessly picking up on and easing into their conversation. He completely ignores James’ idle threat, already picking at Euphemia’s food.

“You will not.”

“Also, if you lose, I’m inviting her to the pity party. You can cry on her shoulder.”

“I’m removing your name from my Instagram bio.”

“Don’t you dare, James Potter!”

“His name is in your Instagram bio?” his mother asks, swatting Sirius’ hand away from another dish.

“Sirius wants people to know that he’s my best friend, just in case they get too attached to one of my teammates.” He grins rather maliciously at Sirius. “I’m going to remove your name and start tagging Mateo in memes instead. He’s going to be in so many stories.”

“You wouldn’t!” Sirius looks horrified. Mateo Aris is one of James’ academy teammates, the one he would consider his closest friend on the team. Though no one new could ever compare to the friendship he has with Sirius – one that they have been building on since primary school – Sirius is comically jealous of the new addition to James’ life.

“Sometimes, I worry about how codependent you two are,” Euphemia says.

“Do you really?” James snorts. “Or do you actually enjoy Sirius telling you the details of my every interaction?”

“I don’t tell her about all your interactions. Only the PG ones,” Sirius says with a suggestive wiggle of his brows. James groans.

“There are others?” Euphemia demands, turning on Sirius.

“Please. You let two hormonal teenagers get their own flat,” Sirius says, rolling his eyes.

James can’t believe he has to witness this conversation. “Oh my God.”

Thankfully, the doorbell rings then, and James drops the knife onto the granite countertop. He’s already halfway out of the kitchen before either of them can say another word, desperate to get away from this conversation. “That’ll be Remus and Peter,” he says over his shoulder. “My only true friends, besides Mateo.”

“You’re rude,” Sirius calls after him.

James takes his time walking to the door to let his friends in. Remus, in a very Remus fashion, has brought a chocolate cake which he is quite excited to eat, until he remembers that he can’t. (Fucking football. It’s probably not even worth it.)

James is deliberately slow as he makes his way back to the kitchen with them. He asks Remus about the train ride over from Cambridge (“The same as usual?”) and how school is going (“I need a break.”). He asks Peter about his job at Sleakeazy (“Really good!” – this in a high-pitched voice, because he’s lying. James knows he hates it, but is too polite to say so because it’s his father’s company and James had gotten him the job.). All this in hopes that Sirius and his mother will have moved on to a new conversation when he returns.

As soon as James returns to the kitchen with Remus and Peter, Euphemia says, “Hello, boys. Remus dear, are James and Sirius having sex at their flat?”

Remus very nearly drops the cake, but he manages to steady himself in time and places it on the counter. He glances between his friends (James: mortified, exasperated. Sirius: amused, as always.), then stares at Euphemia, who waits expectantly. He looks rather uncomfortable, unsure of what he’s walked into. “I don’t… um. You mean like, with… with each other?”

James can see how Remus may have misinterpreted his mother’s wording. He can see that the abrupt and inappropriate question has made Remus flustered, it’s all very understandable - but he still yells at the mental image and covers his face with his hands.

Euphemia sighs and ignores James’ dramatics. “Sex of any kind.”

“Uh, well… if I had to venture a guess…”

“You don’t,” James assures him.

“I would guess yes, they are. Not with each other, though.” A pause. “That I know of.”

Damn him, Remus is a traitor too. Peter, who has just stood quiet and wide eyed the entire time, is evidently his only trustworthy friend.

“Absolutely not with each other,” James confirms.

“Why do you looks so bothered?” Sirius demands. “You should be so lucky!”

“I honestly don’t know what this conversation is or how we got here. Please end it now, I want to eat dinner and then never see any of you again.”

x.x.x.x.x

Thankfully, as the boys help set the table and then sit down to eat, the conversation shifts away from what James does in his bedroom to talk of the upcoming match. This turns out to be only slightly more bearable – James is already so nervous, if he hadn’t exhausted himself in training that afternoon, he wouldn’t be able to stomach any food. As it is, he needs to refuel enough that he piles an obscene amount of food onto his plate.

“Aguado told me to show up expecting to play,” James is telling them now. He’d skipped over the incident with Coleman, which he’d all but forgotten about after leaving Aguado’s office. (It would only worry his mother and get Sirius worked up. The last thing anybody needs is one of Sirius’ Twitter rants.) Despite the nerves, James can barely contain his excitement.

“Aren’t you a sub for this match?” Remus asks.

James nods. “But he’s guaranteeing me some play time. I think I’ve done well enough for him to trust that I’ll at the very least not screw them up, and he wants to test me under high stakes.”

“That’s huge, James! This the best. Now Lily is definitely going to see you play,” Sirius says, a wide grin taking over his face. James rolls his eyes, but he can’t help smiling. Sirius looks almost more excited than he feels.

“I’m proud of you, honey,” his mother says, that warm smile lighting up her face. James’ heart swells. Maybe it makes him a mama’s boy, he doesn’t care – he lives to make Euphemia proud. Her smile falters a little, a question appearing in here eyes. James knows where it’s going, and wants her to stop, but he doesn’t speak soon enough and she asks it. “Have you told your father yet?”

A dense sort of silence falls over the table as his friends all stop eating. James determinedly keeps cutting his chicken, if a little aggressively. “You know I haven’t.”

Of course he hasn’t. And why should he have? Fleamont Potter is not interested in his son’s achievements, not if they involve football.

“You should invite him,” his mother urges.

“Why? He won’t come.”

“He might.”

“He won’t.” Now James stops eating too, glaring at his mother. Why did she have to ruin a perfectly good evening with this?

“You should invite him anyways. You haven’t even spoken to him since Christmas, James. He’s your father.”

“Exactly. Saturday is the biggest chance I’ve ever been given, I can’t think about anything else. Least of all the father I haven’t seen in over a month and why he didn’t come or, on the off chance that he does, the fact that he’s watching me. I don’t want him there, mum.”

Euphemia sighs, and gives a tired nod. “Alright, honey. It’s your decision. I just wish you two would try to fix things.”

The Potters have always been a tight knit family, and James has always been close to both of his parents. Being their only child, born late enough in life to have been a happy shock, they have always doted on him. James has never wanted for his parents’ love and support, has never wanted something they didn’t give him. Until a year ago, when James had definitively made the decision to pursue football and give up a future at his father’s company, they had both supported his every dream.

Now, he can count the number of conversations he’s had with his father in the past year on one hand, and none have been particularly pleasant. It’s a sore spot for him, but seeing how upset Euphemia is now reminds him of how hard the rift has been on her, too. Her husband and her son not speaking has thoroughly upended her blissful life, and he knows she misses the three of them and Sirius spending proper time together.

James sighs heavily. Only for her. “Alright I… I’ll think about it, mum.”

Euphemia smiles. “That’s all I ask.”

In her two weeks of working at The Rabbit Hole, Lily Evans has not had to deal with a lineup alone. Customers come and go throughout the day, but rarely are there more at once than she can manage. Her first Friday and Saturday evening shifts had been busy as people tried to find a bar (any bar), but that was an anticipated crowd and she’d had help. Unfortunately, today there seems to be some sort of event going on nearby, and the trickle of crowd leaving has resulted in a larger than usual lineup on what should have been a quiet Thursday morning. Lily is overwhelmed.

Almost two weeks into the job, she has figured out the cash register and knows how to use all the equipment and appliances. She (technically) knows how to make all the drinks (poorly), too. But she is still new enough that things take her a little bit longer than the other employees. Time that self-important Londoners pretend they don’t have, as an excuse to be rude.

So far this morning, Lily has been yelled at on three separate occasions, and has barely stopped herself from spitting in their drinks. And if one more person snaps at her for being too slow or too clumsy or not good enough at making some stupid drink, she’s afraid she’ll lose her cool and cuss them out – or worse, start crying. She had come in to work already tired from a long night of schoolwork, anticipating a quiet shift. Now, she can hardly contain her scowl as she hears the door open again, signalling another addition to the too long lineup.

“What is the matter with you, have you never made a smoothie before?” The current jerk in front of her snaps as she fumbles with the blender. He’s a forty-something year old man with mean little eyes (as most of the rude customers are), wearing a pristine suit and too much gel in his hair. Lily’s shoulders stiffen, but she tries to force a smile. She’s still new and she needs this job, she reminds herself. She can’t yell at customers.

“Sorry, it’ll just be a minute,” she says through gritted teeth. Hair Gel huffs an annoyed sigh and screws up his brutish face, making a point of showing his irritation.

It’s barely been another twenty seconds when he quite loudly says, “Hurry the hell up! God, who hired you?” Lily stops what she’s doing and looks up at him – this may just be the worst customer to come in today. The customers nearby shift uncomfortably, their eyes anywhere but on her.

“Excuse me?” Lily says, stunned at his behaviour.

“I said, who hired you? I have someplace to be,” he snaps, doubling down on his rudeness. That’s about as much as Lily can take. She imagines dumping the smoothie on his greasy hair. Her fingers twitch towards the plastic cup, but she stops herself, deciding a few choice words will have to do – but she doesn’t get the chance to speak.

“Shouldn’t have stopped for a smoothie if you were in such a hurry, then,” a curt voice says from near the back of the line. Lily’s eyes snap towards James at the same time as Hair Gel’s. He’s alone today, dressed in dark jeans and a blue hoodie under his coat. His hair is still messy in that careless, charming way that she’d admired last week, but it’s damp today. Lily notes the bag slung over his shoulder and concludes that he must have come from the gym. God, did he have to be attractive and nice and a healthy, productive human being?

The truth is, she would have been grateful for anyone who stood up for her in that moment, but it’s the fact that it’s James that brings the smile to her face. She’s relieved to see a familiar and friendly face, and she’s elated that it’s his in particular. Lily would be hard pressed to admit it to anyone, but James’ face has scarcely left her mind since she met him last Thursday.

“Mind your own business,” Hair Gel yells back, and Lily remembers where she is.

“Mind your manners first, you dick.” Hair Gel looks positively scandalized by the language, sputtering angrily, but James only steps out of line and stalks towards him. “Can’t you see she’s working alone?”

“That’s not my problem,” Hair Gel says, his face red.

“And where you need to be isn’t her problem, but you still felt it necessary to make it known that you’re too busy to be a decent human being.”

Hair Gel looks like his head might blow right off his shoulders in an explosion of steam. He looks completely beside himself – evidently, he has never been spoken to like this by a young person before. “This is unacceptable! I want to speak to the manager.”

“She’s in Prague. What are you gonna do, tell on me?” James challenges. Hair Gel just looks completely stunned, now (finally) at a loss for words. Behind him, Lily puts the lid on his finished drink. “Your smoothie’s done, you berk. I thought you had someplace to be?”

Hair Gel whips around to face Lily, who pushes the now finished drink towards him, not bothering to suppress her amused grin. He grabs the drink with unnecessary force, the contents squeezing out of the straw hole at the top, then turns back around to stare furiously at James. James only raises his eyebrows. “Well? Get on with it, you’re holding up the line. These people have someplace to be.” That earns him a few appreciative chuckles from the customers in line.

Looking affronted and muttering furiously about disrespectful youths, and obviously trying to convey with his aggressive walk just how angry and disrespected he feels, Hair Gel finally storms out the door. Lily lets out a relieved breath. “Thank you.”

“No problem. That just really riled me up, I feel like I could literally eat someone alive right now.” James drops his bag to the floor as Lily laughs, and shrugs out of his coat. He settles onto one of the stools at the bar, and in a move that Lily finds unbearably adorable, he swivels to face the remaining customers.

x.x.x.x.x

James sits at the bar, scrolling through his phone while Lily works through the lineup. He’s here alone this morning – Sirius has schoolwork to catch up on, and knowing their weekend will be occupied by James’ match and the aftermath that follows, he’ll likely be spending the rest of his day cooped up at the flat. Though he appreciates the lack of ranting about the trek over, James rather misses Sirius’ company during their Thursday Ritual, and has promised to bring back coffee and donuts.

The rest of the line moves faster, and without incident – possibly because, though he doesn’t bother Lily while she works, James does look up to glare at anyone who starts to get testy with her. Given her swift retribution for Sirius’ behaviour, he’s sure she can handle herself. But today she seems a little overwhelmed, and he doesn’t have to worry about a job if he snaps at someone. Besides, he’s not entirely pleased that these people have interrupted what he expected to be a quiet Thursday morning.

It’s about twenty minutes later when the lineup finally ends, and James finally orders his cappuccino and a double chocolate donut – a rare treat that he feels he deserves, seeing as he’s already worked out today and it’s Thursday morning.

“Genevieve seriously needs to hire more people,” Lily sighs, leaning against the counter once she slides his drink across to him.

“You can be rude back to them, you know. She won’t care. She’ll probably even encourage it.” He takes a sip of the drink. It’s better than last week’s sad attempt. Next week it might even be good, and that’s something to look forward to.

“I just started. I think I need to work here a while longer before I can start cussing out customers. Establish myself as good and sane before the outbursts of rage, you know?”

James chuckles. “Solid strategy. I guess I’ll just have to do it for you in the meantime.”

Lily smiles at him. “You didn’t have to do that. I was going to dump the smoothie on his head.”

“You were not. Establish your sanity before outbursts of rage? You said that literally three seconds ago.”

“Well, I thought it. And I deliberately put in twice as much kale as I should have, and some broccoli when he wasn’t looking. I bet it tastes like shit,” Lily admits proudly, which earns her a surprised, appreciative laugh from James.

“So besides that, how do you like working here?”

“It’s nice. Free coffee and pastries is never a bad thing. And usually it’s relatively quiet, so I actually get some studying done in between customers. As far as shitty part-time jobs go, it’s pretty ideal.”

“What are you studying?” James asks with genuine interest.

“Bioengineering at Imperial.”

James raises an eyebrow, impressed. “Wow. So you’re like… really smart, then.” It’s almost unfair, really, for someone to be so pretty and smart. There should be a rule against it. It’s a good thing for him, though, because a crush doesn’t matter if someone is out of your league.

Lily grins and shrugs modestly. She’s nonchalant, but James knows Imperial is the best uni there is for engineering. He’s not trying to flatter her, he already knows she has to be incredibly smart to be studying there. “I like to think I am, but we’ll see at the end of term,” she says. “What about you?”

“Me? No, I’m not that smart,” he jokes.

Lily laughs. “I mean, are you a student too?”

“Oh, no. I took the year to figure out what I want to do.” It’s sort of true. He had given himself the year to see if he could really do the football thing. And it had been a pretty good year, all things considered.

“And did you?”

“Yes, I think so.” Lily waits expectantly for him to continue. Of course the natural expectation is that he’ll tell her what he’s decided, and it’s a good time to casually mention he’s decided to be a professional football player. But then she’ll remember all the nonsense he said last week, and realize he’s an idiot, and ask him to never speak to her again, please and thank you. She’s going to be an engineer, she’s far too smart to put up with a fool like him. And James rather likes talking to her. If she’ll never speak to him again after Saturday anyways, why not just enjoy talking to her today?

When he doesn’t continue, Lily takes the hint and drops it. “Well, good for you. It’s smart to take your time figuring things out.”

“I know! That’s what I tell everyone. Like what if I gave into the pressure and decided to just study accounting or something, and then a year later I’m miserable and out £9,000 and have to start over?”

“Excellent point. You don’t strike me as the accounting type.”

“Okay. Sirius and I always order in from this one Chinese place because they have the best dumplings in London and we’re too lazy to walk fifteen minutes to get there, right?”

Lily smiles in amusement, obviously not sure where James is going with the sudden change of topic but nodding along anyways. “Right, of course. Go on.”

“And the delivery guy, his name is Ben and his dad owns the place, so he has to work there on the weekends. He always takes forever. It takes him like forty minutes even when Rick, the guy on the phone, says it’ll be no more than thirty. Even though, as I said, the place is fifteen minutes away!”

“Fucking Ben,” Lily sighs sympathetically.

“What is he even doing, right? How could it possibly take that long? It’s like four minutes away on a bike! Ben has a fucking bike, Lily.”

“He has a bike and it takes him forty minutes to make a four-minute ride? Get it together, Ben!” James smiles at Lily’s mock exasperation.

“One time I ordered before I got home, because you know, I was just that hungry. And I’m driving up the street, and I see Ben standing by his bike two blocks from our flat, smoking weed.”

“No! On the job?” Lily slaps the bar. “Come on, Ben!”

“I know! So now we know that Ben takes forever because he stops to smoke weed on the way. Worst delivery guy ever, right?”

“Among the worst, definitely.”

“And do you know what, Lily?”

Lily grins, sensing that he’s coming to the end of his story now. “What?”

“I still tip him generously, because saying ‘keep the change!’ is easier than having to count it. So yeah, you’re right. I could never be an accountant.”

Lily stares at him for a moment, as if to determine how serious he is (completely). And then she bursts out laughing.

x.x.x.x.x

James is good company. The way he talks to Lily – as though they’re good friends – makes her forget that she actually only met him last week.

They go from talking about his aversion to counting change (“I mean I guess I could if it really came down to it, but the effort!”)  to arguing about the real best Chinese food in London (Lily maintains it’s the cleverly named “Chinese Food” near her flat and James is prepared to die – his actual words – defending Ben’s father’s place, Lee’s Garden), to discussing their favourite Kingdom of Ashes movie (“The third one,” James insists. “It’s when they really lean into just how bad they are, and sort of embrace it, you know?”).

Lily had mentioned that she watched the adaptations of Genevieve Wallace’s books for the first time on the weekend, after James had mentioned he loves them. As soon as she’d said it, Lily wished she could take it back – how weird is it to tell a guy you just met that you wasted hours watching four movies just because he mentioned liking them? But James had grinned enthusiastically, and now here they are, discussing the morality of a fictional war between dwarves and giants.

“The dwarves had no right to march into foreign lands like that,” he’s saying now, his face animated. He leans forward and talks with his hands when he’s excited, like right now.

“They were taking back what was rightfully theirs!”

“Um, no!” James is evidently very passionate about these books. “They lost it in battle. They made that law themselves and used it to their advantage on several occasions. They can’t just change it when they lose. They uprooted innocent people!”

“Yes, but their lands were sacred, it’s different than the ones they took over. Their ties to the land are stronger.”

“Oh my God. I can’t believe you’re on the dwarves’ side in this,” he sighs, dismayed. “I guess all people have their flaws after all.”

Lily’s lips twitch. The hidden compliment in there does not escape her notice, and it makes her stomach flutter a little. “I feel like maybe you take these books a little too seriously.”

“I feel like maybe you don’t take them seriously enough, Lily.”

Lily laughs again. She’s laughed a lot this morning. “You sit here and think about what a nerd you are, I’m gonna go make another round.”

“I am not a nerd. I’m very cool, as you already know.”

Lily pats his arm as she walks out from behind the bar and towards one of the customers sitting at a nearby table. There’s a few lounging about with their coffees, laptops out or reading books off the shelves. Lily smiles as she offers them refills and asks if there’s anything else she can get them – it’s easy to be friendly now, her mood significantly lifted since the morning.

She glances up at James, sipping on a smoothie, as she writes another order down. He’s probably the main reason for her cheery mood, and as silly as she feels, she knows that when he gets up to go, the rest of her shift is going to feel longer and duller than if he’d never come in at all. She’s in the process of reminding herself of how busy she is – she hardly has time to sleep in between school and work, and she wants to start doing some proper research as soon as possible, which means she needs to impress her professors and can’t get distracted by charming boys with messy hair – when he glances up from his phone and catches her looking. It’s too late for her to look away, but once again, he alleviates the awkwardness by giving her an easy smile and turning back to his phone. He has such a nice smile. Lily holds back a sigh and starts over. No time for charming boys with messy hair and really nice smiles.

But when she gets back behind the counter to serve another customer who has just walked in, it’s not very long at all before she realizes all her efforts are for nothing.

“Have a nice day!” she says with exaggerated cheer as she hands the customer his coffee. He calls a hurried “You too!” over his shoulder and leaves the shop as Lily walks back towards James, the artificial smile shifting to a real one.

James looks thoughtful. “I’m guessing like, middle management, tech related job at a midrange company, has two kids. One of them is probably named George.”

“How do you figure that?” They’ve been playing this game all morning, taking turns putting stories to the customers. James has even gone over to some of the ones who’ve stayed in to confirm their suspicions – and been startlingly accurate about a couple of them. (She doesn’t know anybody else with the nerve to ask an elderly man if he’d had a secret love affair with a married woman in Paris during his youth. She doesn’t know anybody else who could respond with a casual “Well that’s too bad, Frank. You’ve still got time,” when the elderly man had been appropriately shocked at the false accusation.)

“He’s a thirty-something with bags under his eyes who ordered an extra-large coffee and no food at noon,” James explains about their current subject. “Young and tired and evidently busy enough to be fighting for something, probably a promotion. Too drained to not have kids. He was wearing fitted clothes, a plaid shirt and a skinny tie. Average style. But his shoes and belt don’t match, so he’s faking it to fit in. Which makes me think it’s a growing company in a field interesting to younger people. As for George… I dunno, that’s just a hunch.”

Lily shakes her head, looking up from her phone. “Unbelievable. I just googled the name of the company on his ID card, it’s a growing, midrange online hosting company.”

James lets out a triumphant whoop, and grins at her. “I told you I’m an excellent judge of character. I’m winning by like five points now, by the way.”

“You’re an excellent judge of people’s outward appearance, not character. Also, you’re keeping track?”

“Of course I am! I don’t play games to lose.” James glances at the time on his phone. “I should head out and let you get back to your job now. It’s lunchtime, you’ll probably be busy soon.”

Lily nods, hoping her disappointment isn’t too obvious. His phone dings and James smiles slightly as he reads the text, picking it up to reply – it’s probably one of his seven gorgeous girlfriends or something – and Lily can’t look away. He’s so nice, and so nice to look at. He’s so unlike anybody she’s ever met. His hair has dried now, and though she’d spotted him trying to flatten it a couple of times, it’s still chaotic. It suits him, she thinks.

x.x.x.x.x

When James looks up from replying to Sirius’ text (complaining about homework, as usual), Lily is watching him, her eyes travelling up his face and to his hair. They stay there for a long while. James shifts nervously under her scrutiny, suddenly aware of what a mess his hair must be after his shower at the gym. He pushes his glasses up his nose and she follows the movement with her eyes. God, she’s so fit, and she was so cool and calm while he’d rambled on for ages (about dwarves! And fucking Ben! God, he’s an idiot.), and she’s not at all shy about checking him out, and that just makes her even more attractive. He’s so distracted by her looking at him, he’s forgotten what they were talking about.

“What?” He finally asks, the nerves taking over.

Lily blinks at him, as though he’d just pulled her out of a deep thought. “What?”

“Why are you staring at me?”

“Did you come here from the gym?” she asks, then clamps her mouth shut, her cheeks turning pink. She takes a step back from the bar.

James’ lips twitch. So perhaps she’s a little bit nervous, too. What an exciting thought. “Er, yes?”

“Only because… well, your hair was damp and um, you had the bag so…” she trails off, the pink of her cheeks deepening. Lily quickly turns around and starts rearranging the teas, just like she’d done last week.

“You’re very perceptive.”

“You’re very… healthy.”

James’ can’t help the chuckle that escapes him. “Thank you.”

Lily groans. “Oh my God. What am I rambling about? You’re a customer.” She turns back around to face him, still red. “I’m sorry. It’s not my business where you came from or how healthy you are.”

James thinks they’re probably friends now, after spending an hour chatting about dwarves and extramarital affairs. But maybe she’s just polite? He gives her a playful smile anyways. “Do you comment on all of your customers’ health? Or are you just trying to flirt with me?”

“Oh my God.” She covers her face with her hands. Her nails are painted a vibrant yellow.

“It’s very nice of you to notice. I do work hard on my health, you know,” he continues. Lily groans, but drops her hands, a smile tugging at her lips now.

“Any chance you’ll let this go soon?”

“Can you also comment on how muscular and fit I am?”

“I can’t tell through the hoodie. I’ll just imagine you’re hiding your flab under there.”

James raises an eyebrow. “You’re imagining me under my hoodie?”

“Well I am now!” Lily huffs, throwing him a glare. If she had been starting to calm down, it’s all gone now, her face is burning.

James laughs, a happy sound. “What do I look like?”

“Not flabby,” she says crossly.

“I can confirm your suspicions, if you want,” James says, his smile suggestive. Lily’s eyes widen just slightly, and James realizes what he’s saying. Has he just offered to strip for her? Or… something else? Now she’ll think he’s a liar and a fool and a pervert. She could report him for harassment, and he would deserve it. She could have him arrested, and it would probably be for the best and they would all be better off.

James swallows, and starts pushing up the sleeves of his hoodie. It’s cold outside, but it suddenly feels very hot inside. She follows the movement with her eyes, and he freezes halfway. He’s getting ready to apologize, but then she licks her lips, and he can’t take his eyes off them now. He wants to kiss her. The thought is sudden, but once it’s there, it’s loud and persistent. He wants to kiss her so bad.

Suddenly, the door opens behind them. Lily jumps back from the bar, startled, at the same time that James jumps at the sound and almost falls off the stool. He grips the edge of the bar to steady himself, and Lily clears her throat. “I should get back to work,” she says quickly, moving towards the register as the customer walks in.

“Right. Of course.” James gets up and picks his coat and gym bag up off the floor. God, he’s such an idiot. “I’m so sorry. That was… I didn’t mean to… that was inappropriate.” He’s rambling again. He’s trying to avoid looking at her again. (Just in case he jumps over the bar to kiss her. He wouldn’t put it past himself, that would be quite on brand for him.)

“James?” He looks up. Is that the first time she’s said his name? The sound of it on her lips makes his heart stutter. Lily’s face is flushed. “I’ll see you on Saturday?”  

He smiles at her, forcing a calm he doesn’t feel, and nods. “See you, Lily.”

Heart thundering in his ears, blood thrumming through his veins, James turns around and gets the hell out of there, feeling like he’s just played a full ninety minutes.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior 7/9/21 - BLACK WIDOW, SUMMERTIME, THE LONELIEST WHALE and More

Well, well... It certainly looks like I’ve been given a bit of a “bye week” to recuperate and recover from all the insanity of June, huh? The 4th of July weekend saw a nice boon for Universal Pictures with the top 3, although The Boss Baby: Family Business ended up doing better than The Forever Purge despite the former also being on Peacock. But neither of them really got great reviews, so I’m not sure either of them will have much impact on this week’s big release…

BLACK WIDOW (Marvel Studios/Disney)!

Yes, after nearly two years, Marvel Studios is back in theaters with the long-awaited solo movie for Scarlett Johansson’s Natasha Romanoff, who has appeared in the movies going back to Iron Man 2, also played a key role in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, as well as three of the Avengers movies. The Black Widow movie goes back in time to after the events of Captain America: Civil War and before (SPOILER!) Romanoff was killed in Avengers: Infinity War. This one reunites her with her family including Florence Pugh as her sister Yelena, as the two of them want to take down the Red Room where they were trained to be killers. It also stars David Harbour as the Red Guardian and Rachel Weisz as their maternal figure, and honestly, you probably don’t even need that much to know that you probably already want to see it, because IT’S MARVEL!

It’s actually hard to believe that Black Widow is Marvel’s first theatrical release since 2019’s Spider-Man: Far From Home, and obviously, that wasn’t supposed to be how things went. Marvel’s original release date for the movie was kicking off the summer of 2020, but when COVID hit and theaters were closed, it was delayed, first until the end of the year and then until the summer of 2021. It must have been difficult because Marvel had already planned a series of television series that led into the movies, including Wandavision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and the currently-airing Loki.

Marvel’s first theatrical release in two years currently has a relatively decent 82% on Rotten Tomatoes, which for comparison’s sake is a better rating than Captain Marvel and Avengers: Age of Ultron, but that’s about it. I mean, at least it’s not stinking up Marvel’s track record like Iron Fist and The Inhumans did, so there’s that. I’ve already reviewed the movie, so you can read what I thought about it here.

More important than any other factor, there’s the Disney+ in the room, because Disney decided to offer Black Widow for a Premium on its streaming service this Friday, basically for $30, which I’m not sure if that’s for a certain amount of time or to own (which would make more sense). That’s a pretty sweet deal if you have a family and a nice home theater, because taking them all to the movies might cost $100 or more with concessions, etc. But for a lot of people, it’s long past time to get back to theaters, and despite the success of the Disney+ shows, many will want to see this on the big screen. At least that’s my theory, and I’m gonna stick with it until I’m proven wrong when numbers come in on Friday or Saturday.

It’s very hard to determine how many of the millions of people who went to see Avengers: Endgame over two years ago are ready to get back into theaters, but one benefit that Black Widow has over other upcoming Marvel movies (okay, well, Shang-Chi) is that Johansson’s character is a known commodity from previous movies, which certainly could have helped Tom Holland’s solo Spider-Man movies, although you would think that Spider-Man: Far from Home would have opened bigger following Endgame. To be fair, the Spider-Man movies were opening with over $100 million WELL before the MCU, showing the popularity of the character, although we also could see a bump with the second Captain America and Thor movies after their appearance in 2012’s The Avengers. Oddly, 2018’s Ant-Man and the Wasp didn’t see nearly as big an opening bump following Avengers: Infinity War from the first movie, but Ant-Man hadn’t been as big a player as Natasha/Black Widow. Oddly, the Spider-Man and Ant-Man movies have something in common -- they both opened in July vs. May.

The other factor, of course, is COVID and whether a movie can open even bigger than the $70 million opening weekend of F9, currently the biggest post-pandemic opener. If anything is going to do it, then it’s going to be a Marvel movie, especially one that should be as big a draw for women as for men. No, we don’t subscribe to the myth that female-led action movies don’t do as well as males ones. The MCU is all about the characters and the universe, and those factors should help Black Widow should be good for somewhere around $80 to 85 million over the weekend, which will make it the new barometer for the post-pandemic. (Incidentally, this is only about $11 million less than my original prediction from last March, and that didn’t have the COVID or streaming factor in play.)

Hey, you know what I haven’t done in a long time but probably should resume?

MY TOP 10 BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS!

1. Black Widow (Marvel/Disney) - $84.3 million N/A

2. F9 (Universal) - $9.6 million -58%

3. The Boss Baby: Family Business (Universal/DreamWorks Animation) - $9 million -45%

4. The Forever Purge (Universal) - $5.7 million -54%

5. A Quiet Place Part II (Paramount) - $2.2 million -45%

6. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (Lionsgate) - $1.4 million -55%

7. Cruella (Disney) - $1.3 million -47%

8. Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway (Sony) - $1.2 million -42%

9. The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (New Line/WB) - $600k -57%

10. In the Heights (New Line/WB) - $550k -43%

Although one can expect big drops all around, this should be another weekend where the top 10 domestic grosses $100 million, but that’s kind of a given with Black Widow likely to make much of that itself.

I guess this week’s “Chosen One” is SUMMERTIME (Good Deed Entertainment), directed by Carlos Lopez Estrada (Blindspotting, Raya and the Last Dragon), which is a pseudo-doc, pseudo-narrative that follows 27 Angelino poets in a typical day in Los Angeles. I’m not really a poetry or spoken word fan so much, but the way that these talented poets are showcased, each in their own compelling segment. While having some kind of interconnecting story might not have been necessary, it’s actually what keeps you invested as you go from one situation and style of poetry onto the next. You can tell that there are some real stars of the future in this that will likely appear elsewhere. There are just so many great numbers from Tyris Winter complaining abut the price of food at a restaurant, Mila Cuda expressing her sexuality on the bus to an obvious homophobe, a couple at a marriage counselor relaying their issues through song and rap, an amazing dance number, and so much more. My favorite running storyline was the one involving street rappers Anewbys (Bryce Banks) and Rah (Austin Antoine), who are trying to make it. The incidental music is great, and the performances are embellished with cinema verité style shots of L.A. that really helps enhance the mood and set the environment for the story being told. It’s hard to call Summertime a musical, but there’s so much great rhymes and music that it just has a great youthful energy that seems so perfect for this time of the year.

You can read my interview with Estrada over at Below the Line later today.

Streaming now on Disney+ is the first episode of the new Pixar series Monsters at Work, based on the characters from one of my favorite Pixar movies, Monsters Inc., with new episodes airing every Wednesday.

Joshua (Cropsy) Zeman’s doc THE LONELIEST WHALE: THE SEARCH FOR 52 (Bleecker Street), exec. produced by Leonardo DiCaprio hits theaters on Friday and then will be on digital July 16. Oddly, it’s the second movie in the last month about whales. This one is about the search for the 52 Hertz Whale that was discovered in 1989 and has become a global sensation as it lives in solitude, emitting a different frequency from other whales and therefore unable to communicate.

I have to admit that I was quite cynical about this movie, mainly because it looked like it could potentially be boring, as we watch and listen to a bunch of oceanographers talking about whales, and I was mostly right. Zeman himself is not the most interesting subject or narrator for his own doc, so that doesn’t help much either. Essentially, the entire movie is this group of rag-tag oceanographers (as well as a musician who plays clarinet with the whales -- yeah, he should be thrown overboard first, I’m thinking) looking for this elusive whale that no one has seen since 1989. As you can imagine, it’s a fairly fruitless expedition that makes you miss the excitement of Ron Howard’s whale movie, but if you’re just watching this to see beautiful whales in their natural habitat, the movie does deliver. I’m sure the less cynical than myself will find more interesting aspects of the film to enjoy, and yes, this is a far superior film to the recent Fathom, but it also shares lots of potentially interesting facts about whales and their history, which doesn’t make it a complete loss.

I have to imagine that The Loneliest Whale should be appreciated as a fine nature doc if you’re into this sort of thing, but if you’re looking for something particularly groundbreaking or moving, you’ll have to search elsewhere.

Judd Ehrlich’s doc THE PRICE OF FREEDOM (Tribeca Studios) takes on the gun debate and how the National Rifle Association has divided the nation and cost countless lives along the way. The movie features the likes of President Bill Clinton, activist (and Parkland survivor) X Gonzalez, Senator Chris Murphy, Representatives Jason Crow and Lucy McBath, and many more on both sides of the gun debate.

Also opening on Friday in theaters and virtual cinema is the Tunisian horror film DACHRA (Dekanalog), written and directed by Abdelhamid Bouchnak, which follows three journalism students as they investigate a cold case which takes them deep into the woods.

Netflix launched its “Fear Street” franchise last week based on the book series by R.L. Stine, and this week, the second movie, FEAR STREET PART 2: 1978 (Netflix), debuts on the streamer. I’ve actually seen Fear Street Part 1: 1994, and it’s a fun little slasher set in the town of Shadyside, the “Killer Capitol of the USA.” I honestly had no idea these were Rated R, since I thought it was more of a young adult type thing, but it’s really straight-up Wes Craven Scream. I might have to check out some of these books, but the first movie was quite enjoyable even if they generally seem derivative of other slashers.

Also, Eytan Fox’s Sublet, which has been playing in select theaters will now be available to Watch At Home via Apple TV, Prime Video, Vudu, FandangoNOW, Google Play, YouTube and DIRECTV. Also, Ivan Kavanagh’s horror film, Son, will be on Shudder this Thursday so if you missed it in theaters and VOD, now’s your chance to see it, and you can read my interview with Mr. Kavanagh over at Below the Line.

Oh, and TONIGHT at the Metrograph, as part of their Live Screening Series, they’ll be showing Rashaad Ernesto Green’s Gun Hill Road (2011) as part of their FIrst Film Series with the Green Brothers, which will be followed next week by the first film from his brother, Reinaldo Marcus Green.

And that, my friends, is it for this week! Next week, we have SPACE JAM: A NEW LEGACY from Warner Bros., and that’s about it! (Well, there will be a lot more limited releases, as well a Emmy nominations, so back to the grind!)

[iamcinema]

IAC Reviews #015: R.S.V.P (2002)

Well, I suppose it’s safe to say that leaving the city isn’t going to do us much good with avoiding trouble. I guess if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em I suppose. I heard there’s a crazy party going on and we’re invited to join in on the fun. Let’s see what they’re up to and if it’s worth it. Just be sure to practice your social distancing and keep your masks on, and I’m sure we’ll be just fine.

_______________________________________ 

For this, we’re going to go back a-ways to the mid 2000s when FearNet was still around and if you were like me, you’d find yourself turning to it for a quick fix of the flavor of the week - which was typically lesser known or underrated slasher films or B to Z-grade horror films; like that from Troma. It was around here that I’d soak up what I could on long, boring summer nights and I was usually in for something halfway decent if I not only never heard of it before, but it appeared that a lot of people on IMDb didn’t either judging from the sparse reviews and next to no posts on the message boards. Along with today’s feature, this would include others like The Curve (1998), Cherry Falls (2000), My Little Eye (2002), Taboo (2002), Zombie Nation (2004), and S&Man (2006).

R.S.V.P is a 2002 dark comedy / suspense film, depending on who you ask, written and directed by Mark Anthony Galluzzo, who didn’t go on to do a whole lot in his career. Our story centers on a psychology student, Nick, with a obsession with true crime who invites his old friends and professor over for a fun night at his apartment where the only party game they’ll be playing is murder. It stars some familiar faces, like that of Jason Mewes, Reno Wilson, Rick Otto, Jonathan Banks, and the late Glenn Quinn. If you have a weakness for slasher oriented films from 90s to the early 2000s, then you might already be on board from the trailer alone; both with it’s general concept and how, even in 2002, the 90s are still carrying on in spirit. It’s almost nostalgic in a way, conjuring up memories at the movie theater with the black light carpeting, the smell of overpriced buttered popcorn, and the deafening THX logo opener. But, the question now is if that sweet nostalgia comes with a bitter aftertaste that’s hard to swallow.

R.S.V.P In One Gif:

Okay, so maybe this is going to be a bit harsh given what I have to say next. But, bear with me for a moment.

________________________________________ 

Watching RSVP is a lot like sinking in lava. You think you’d abruptly catch on fire, but instead you sink slowly as you burn up due to the density of it. After all, we’re talking about molten rock here. This is the definition of a slow burner film if I’ve ever seen one and I know for some, that’s a hard pitch to sell because it can feel like scenes drag on and on for too long. I’ve griped about this in the past with films like Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989) with all the filler content and how the third act is like pulling teeth to blow through because it feels like nothing is happening. Well, in this case nothing of importance is happening.

So, what’s the deal with this then? The bulk of the film surrounds our protagonist, well antihero is probably a better title for him, Nick and his obsession with serial killers as a psychology student and how one would orchestrate the perfect crime. This discussion and obsession comes to ahead with two others early on; his professor Hal Evans and friend Jimmy, alongside a reoccurring theme of referencing and discussing true crime - with the 1924 Leopold and Loeb case being a subject of interest for Nick specifically due to the nature and legacy of the murder. Oh, and holy hell does this movie show how much it aged since the film was likely in production just as Gary Ridgeway was identified as the Green River Killer.

From here, we get a taste of who we’ll be stuck with for the next 90 minutes and I can’t say for sure if this is a party I’d stick around for, as it becomes almost another drunk/stoner college kid flick. I won’t say a ton about who is who and their relationships to each other to avoid straying too far into spoiler territory because just about all of it is strung together by foreshadowing. While there’s no surprise who our killer is, the suspense and mystery comes in the form of the motivation and when or if Nick will get caught while on his killing spree. The film has been compared to Hitchcock’s style of suspense in a few ways, and it reminds me of an example he made about suspense vs surprise with a bomb under a table;

“...In the first case we have given the public fifteen seconds of surprise at the moment of the explosion. In the second we have provided them with fifteen minutes of suspense. The conclusion is that whenever possible the public must be informed. Except when the surprise is a twist, that is, when the unexpected ending is, in itself, the highlight of the story.“

Unfortunately from here on out, there doesn’t feel like a whole lot to comment on beyond some minor exposition that links everyone together; such as three of the friends being in a band and there being some tension between some bitter ex-lovers. It’s more so just scene after scene of things happening and it feels like a drag, even if the metaphorical bomb is lurking just around the corner, which can have you just barely holding out for what the next murder will be and even then it’s hard to say if it was well worth the wait. The acting is a somewhat mixed bag and many of the characters are forgettable. It’s not the absolute worst I’ve ever seen, but not many of them did much to hold my interest enough to care if they lived or died.

Also, did I mention how strange the music choice is? We have moments where we have 90s electronic style beats, and then we cut to what I think is “Habanera” from Carmen and “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” from The Nutcracker.  I don’t get it. It’s kind of weird and a bit goofy if I’m being honest for the general tone it’s going for - unless that just plays into the dark, satirical comedy aspect. Speaking of which, some moments (especially the murders) are like a fine grilled ham and cheese sandwich with the payoff that I’m sure Patrick Bateman himself would recognize.

If I had to give one decent thing to say about it, it’s that the final act is probably the film’s strongest suit since the first ten minutes with our final chase and a further look into Nick’s psychology with understanding his methods of madness. I will say that while doing some research on this, I came across information about an alternate version of the film where we learn that Nick wasn’t the only person with blood on his hands. However, these scenes were removed due to confusing test audiences, but they can be found on the DVD. According to IMDb, this given more significance in a scene that plays during the credits, but I’m sure you could fit those pieces together on your own with how the final act plays out as a whole. But, I will say I wonder what I’m missing out on and if it parallels the Leopold and Loeb case; especially with how certain film adaptations were a bit heavy handed with focusing on LGBTQ themes, and given what we see unfold, it did pique my interest a bit.

________________________________________ 

So, now we’re here. The party is over and the dead are waiting to be picked up. Where do I stand on this one? I recall when I saw this years ago that I didn’t exactly care for it and I rated it 3/10. I thought the characters were bland and uninteresting, it was too hammy for my general liking for being classified as a dark comedy, and I didn’t really care for the pay off. It was a major blur, and I suppose that’s telling to how invested I was in it. But, now we’re here close to 15 years later and something had to change, right?

Well, sort of. I guess it’s just more so telling that my own niche hobbies and interests are bleeding into things and why I have a guilty enjoyment for things like The Curve (1998) and the August Underground trilogy (2001-2007) and it’s focus on true crime, murder, and the concept of the true perfect crime. It was neat to look back on, even if it was just brief glimpses of the criminal psychology discussions. I still don’t particularly care too much for most of the characters, mostly the members of Whiskey Dick. The kills themselves are okay when they’re done well, but a good portion of them are cut to white so you miss all the action. The film is relatively bloodless as well, which is something I felt let down by, as the goriest scene happens in the opening and it’s downhill from there for the most part as far as that’s concerned.

Overall, this is just meh to me. I wouldn’t call it atrocious, but it’s not good either, not even by Saturday night popcorn flick standards. It’s a okay watch if you’re bored and don’t have much else going on, just don’t expect anything worthwhile even for the times. There’s better films from the era out there, but there’s also worse...so much worse.

RATING: 4/10

[thesportssoundoff]

“So how early is too early, how soon is too soon and why am I up at 4:30 AM watching China’s best fight in the UFC?” A preview of the UFC Fight Night live from Shanghai

Joey

November 19th

WHEW Boy! First and foremost, for those of y'all in the states I hope you have a kick ass Thanksgiving. Eat plenty, drink plenty if that's your thing, shop plenty on a Friday and then for those of you who are MMAddicted, you got yourself a show on Saturday morning! The UFC has tried and tried and tried and FINALLY they broke through into Shanghai! The Chinese market has been opened up and the dam has busted. Fight fans who are so interested in MMA will be greeted to QUITE the show on Thursday morning. This was set up to be Anderson Silva vs Kelvin Gastelum but drug tests ruin the best of things. To their credit, the UFC found Michael Bisping for the role and now things are humming towards a Chinese showdown. The rest of the main card pits the best of China vs two solid mid level UFC talents plus the debut of one of MMA's more exciting talents. The prelims have one FANTASTIC fight and the debut of 8 different fighters; 1 from Brazil, 1 from India and 6 from China.  Plenty of reason to get excited am I right? Guys? Guuuuuuys?

Fights: 12 (11 if they can't find a dude for Cyril Asker)

Debuts: 10 (Sheymon Moraes, Bharat Khandare, Yanan Wu, Wuliji Buren, Yan Xiaonan, Wang Guan, Muslim Salikov, Kenan Song, Yadong Song, Yan Xiaonan )

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations:  3 (Anderson Silva OUT, Michael BIsping IN vs Kelvin Gastelum/Liu Pingyuan OUT, Yadong Song IN vs Bharat Kandare, James Mulheron OUT, TBD vs Cyril Asker)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC):  3 (Michael Bisping, Alex Caceres, Kelvin Gastelum)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC:  4 (Rolando Dy, Cyril Asker, Bobby Nash, Kailin Curran)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC:  2 (Chase Sherman, Li Jingliang)

Stat Monitor for 2017:

Debuting Fighters (Current number: 38-30)- Sheymon Moraes, Bharat Khandare, Yanan Wu, Wuliji Buren, Yan Xiaonan, Wang Guan, Muslim Salikov, Kenan Song, Yadong Song, Yan Xiaonan

Short Notice Fighters (Current number: 22-33-1)- Michael Bisping, Yadong Song

Second Fight (Current number: 25-37)- Gina Mizani, Zabit Magomedsharipov

Cage Corrosion (18-13-1)- 0

Twelve Precious Ponderings

1- I suppose we can begin with trying to piece together this Scooby Doo-esque mystery on Michael Bisping taking the fight. Anderson Silva falls out via drug test gone bad (or good depending on your view of it) and Kelvin Gastelum needs a fight for the main event. Given how vital this show is to THAT market, this is a big deal. Limited options + short notice + Visa + tough as shit opponent = trouble. Under any other circumstance this capsizes a show. The UFC's chasing an opponent for Brunson and Bisping isn't available because he's injured---right? Well according to Bisping, he reached out to the UFC and told them he was fine and ready to fight on short notice vs Gastelum. A week after fighting GSP for the title. Now there are many serious questions we all need to parse through. 1) Should Bisping be fighting? 2) What about his medical suspension? 3) What does he have to gain from this? 4) Is this too soon? Whatever the case may or may not be, you gotta at least give the parties involved some credit for somehow pulling this shit off. For my money, Bisping vs Gastelum is a far greater fight than Anderson/Gastelum.

2- On a scale of 1- Of Course, what are the odds Gastelum somehow finds a way to miss weight?

3- A lot of credit needs to go to Bisping for taking this fight. He probably made more money  than he ever has vs GSP and when most dudes would be fat and happy and ready to just take time off, he's back in there less than a month later. Not everybody loves Michael Bisping but the # of Bisping types is declining rapidly so enjoy the one we have while we got 'em.

4- At this point all I ask of Gastelum is that he doesn't beat Bisping up so badly that Michael can't retire in March in London.

5- Perhaps not enough credit is to be given to Kelvin Gastelum for basically saving his career. Gastelum completely lost track of his career at 170 lbs after missing weight and then the UFC basically told him to move up or move out. Since moving up to 185 lbs, he's 2-1 (1-1-1 in actuality but I dont think he needed WEED to beat up Vitor Belfort)  with wins over Belfort and Tim Kennedy. His sole loss was to Chris Weidman in a fight where he gave Weidman problems, dropping him before losing due to the size difference. Gastelum is in that Jake Shields category of really needing that 175 lb weight class where he can prosper. His hands have come a long, long way since TUF and he's still a killer wrestler. His grappling in my estimation has been his weak spot as he tends to get too lax on the ground (his inability to handle Magny's grappling probably cost him the fight and Weidman outworked him and submitted him). Very excited to see how he handles Bisping because Gastelum's youth, team and skill set gives him a chance to be a real find in the coming years.

6- "The Leech" Li Jingliang has had a very odd track in the UFC. He hasn't really improved but he's so strong and stubborn as a fighter that it works for him. The Leech  is never in a boring fight outside of one time where Nadine Taleb turned him into a fifteen minute grappler type. The leech just looks like a miserable sort of dude to fight; a hard headed hard hitting stubborn as shit dude who can wrestle you and ground and pound plus he's one of those guys who gets better as the fight goes on. Zack Ottow is a weird fight for him; a dude who could be undefeated in the UFC or 0-3 in the UFC depending on how you look at it. Ottow is the epitome of the "mid level veteran" who will test you but probably not beat you.

7- Wang Guan's UFC debut is surely going to be "a happening" as one would put it. Guan feels like a fighter who has been tied indirectly to the UFC for quite some time and now hes here and he draws a tough first out in Alex Caceres. Caceres speaks to how highly the UFC thinks of Guan or how lowly they think of Caceres because he's the weird mix of unorthodox, flashy and blessed with endless cardio. They might regret this booking.

8- A lot of folks are excited about the debut of Muslim Salikhov and again this is another one of those deals where youre either REALLY confident in a guy or really, really low on the person he's facing. Alex Garcia is a big rocked up 170er who has proven to be pretty durable in his fights. Not an easy fight for a dude in his debut.

9- I'm SURE they'll be a lot of people who will whine about the fact that just about everybody on the undercard is debuting.. To that, I'll offer a few simplistic retorts. 1) The prelims will start at 3 FUCKING 45 AM on a Saturday. There has NEEEEEEVER been an undercard you could avoid as easily as this one. Just SLEEP through it. 2) Consider this like an Asian TUF where the TUF guys are fighting for their jobs. Most of this undercard is debuting Asian talent trying to find a home in the UFC---chances are half of these fighters if not more will be gone before 2018 ends. Treat them as one offs. 3)   There's actually some really solid matchmaking here on the prelims. 4) Consider this,

10- Bobby Nash is a tough guy to get a handle on. He had Li Jingliang all kinds of hurt and gave Danny "Hot Chocolate" Roberts all kinds of problems as well. The problem is that if you have little head movement and a shaky chin, more often than not somebody will find it. Nash has two fights and has that "he was winning until he lost" thing going on. He takes on Kenan Song on the prelims.

11- I have not had the chance to talk up how fucking great this Sheymon Moraes-Zhabit Magomedsharipov fight but hot DAMN is it a good 'un. This should be fifteen minutes of pure standup and if it hits the ground then both guys are more than capable there as well. Magomedsharipov has big time star potential in my estimation.

12- Bharat Kandare is the UFC's first Indian born fighter (Arjen Bhullar is a Canadian of Indian heritage) but apparently this could've been a done deal a lot sooner. Per Bharat, the UFC wanted to sign him back in 2014 but SFL blocked it. Either way, I'm just glad we're getting more fighters of different nationalities in the Octagon. It's good for all of the sport!

Must Wins

1- Kelvin Gastelum

Michael Bisping's legacy is secure. Everything Bisping related is locked and set in stone. He will retire with the UFC's best strength of competition in my eyes. We're talking Silva, Belfort, GSP, Hendo twice, Luke Rockhold twice, Thales Leites, Rashad Evans, "Mayhem" Miller, Wanderlei, Chael Soonen and Cung Le all inside the Octagon. He won the title, defended it and then made a PPV payout in his loss to GSP. The guy is secure and approaching one final retirement fight. Kelvin Gastelum is going from a going ticket to an even more golden ticket in Bisping and right now Kelvin Gastelum is in his prime and only getting better. A win over Bisping and he'll have the Bisping win that has eluded other MWs. Remember that the folks who beat Bisping eventually go on to fight for the title so he is very much the golden door for the MW division.

2- Wang Guan

IF Li Jingliang is going to be THE guy in China, he would've been it by now. Wang Guan is being tasked with that role. He's been given a main card spot on the first ever show in China against a reputable opponent in Alex Caceres. At 31, Guan is not blessed with youth on his side so the sooner he can try to make a run, the better of he'll be.

3- Chase Sherman

Chase Sherman's UFC run thus far is a very complicated one. His losses are to reputable competition in Justin Ledet and Walt "The Big Ticket" Harris while his wins are to guys who are no longer in the UFC (Coultier is probably on his way out and Grabowski was sent packing). Sherman has some tools like above average athleticism and great conditioning that should make him a HW of note over time. He's also under 30 so he's rocking the trifecta.

Five Fights You Can't Miss

1-  Michael Bisping vs Kelvin Gastelum

2- Zhabit Magomedsharipov vs Sheymon Moraes

3- Li Jingliang vs Zack Ottow

4- Alex Caceres vs Wang Guan

5- Bharat Khandare vs Yadong Song

[chestnutpost]

Tuchel's moment of truth as PSG manager

4:14 PM ET

Sometimes Thomas Tuchel concentrates so hard that he can’t see a person standing a yard beside him. He must feel like that this week.

On Tuesday, the giant, obsessive manager sends his weakened, Neymar-less Paris Saint-Germain side out against a resurgent Manchester United. If PSG wins, the club remains on track for its last remaining obsession and, frankly, almost the sole point of its existence these days: its first-ever Champions League trophy. (So dominant is Paris at home that nobody is excited about its impending sixth French league title in seven seasons.)

Off the field, Tuchel has another objective: getting his nemesis, Antero Henrique, replaced as PSG’s sporting director by his soulmate, Arsene Wenger. This is the German’s chance to establish himself as the long-term guide of a giant club rather than just the latest of PSG’s seemingly temporary coaches.

Like Wenger, Tuchel reached the top solely on drive and brainpower. He, too, was a modestly talented defender whose true passion was coaching. After injury ended his playing career at third-division Ulm, aged just 24, he coached youth teams at Stuttgart, Augsburg and Mainz, graduating from a coaching course with sky-high grades. After Mainz suddenly offered him a job coaching the first team — the first time he had ever coached adults at any level — he went on to win more points than all but four other Bundesliga teams in five seasons. He then quit, saying he couldn’t take the club any further. In his next job, at Dortmund, he had the unenviable responsibility of replacing Jurgen Klopp but arguably went on to be better; his points-per-game average (2.09) was the best of any coach in the club’s history. Yet Tuchel quit in 2017 after clashing with team executives and, after a sabbatical, he joined Paris.

And so, an awkward character had taken on an awkward club. If PSG’s stars had been the kind of people who wanted to push themselves to the maximum every week, they wouldn’t be playing in the tinpot French league. And nobody can tell Neymar, Dani Alves or Kylian Mbappe what to do. Tuchel understands that the coach isn’t the most important man in any club: he describes soccer as a “players’ game.” But how does one manage this squad?

Thomas Tuchel is an obsessive manager who tries to leave nothing to chance. PSG will need every bit of his focus in the weeks ahead. Jan Kruger/Getty Images

Tuchel arrived having taught himself very decent French (better than some players who have been at PSG for years). That helped him woo PSG fans: “Too-shell,” as the French mangle his name, is more popular than his predecessors. However, language is also essential to his work. Tuchel believes in deep communication that’s different for every player. He obsesses about what makes each man tick.

At Mainz, writes German author Christoph Biermann in his book “Matchplan,” Tuchel discovered that one of his players was motivated by money: namely win bonuses and the dream of a lucrative transfer. That was fine by Tuchel: understanding this made the art of man-management easier. At PSG, he decided that what the squad’s many Brazilians most wanted from a coach was love. Tuchel says he hugs Neymar and that when the player isn’t around, “I write him texts to tell him I still believe in him and that I’m sad he isn’t here.” This was not the approach taken by his predecessor Unai Emery.

Yet Tuchel also subjects PSG’s players to his fanaticism. Rail-thin at 45 years old, he boasts of having once spent four weeks in Italy without touching either pasta or pizza. The first time his PSG side took the bus to an away game, the playmaker Marco Verratti requested a Coca-Cola. Horror of horrors, he discovered that Tuchel had banned all soft drinks and sandwiches. Verratti quickly got the message.

Discipline has long been an issue at PSG. Players kept forgetting bits of kit in the changing rooms during training, and going back to fetch them. Showing up late for meetings was epidemic. Eventually, Tuchel punished Mbappe and Adrien Rabiot by benching them for the grudge game against Marseille last fall (of course PSG won anyway). He has also reportedly gone around his players’ favorite restaurants and nightclubs to have a word with staff.

ESPN+ is America’s home for a host of professional soccer leagues from around the world, highlighted by Italy’s Serie A, Major League Soccer, UEFA Nations League and English FA Cup. | ESPN+ schedule

ESPN FC’s experts ranked the best men’s players and managers in world football. Check out the list.

Fear, paranoia, difficult behaviour and constant battling with club officials and players led to the inevitable, writes Rob Dawson.

When Boca Juniors and River Plate were set to meet in Argentina’s most important match, Buenos Aires lost its mind, writes Wright Thompson.

Tuchel’s pushed his team in a tactical sense as well. For years, PSG had only one gear: an attacking, possession-based 4-3-3. But Tuchel is a believer in constantly changing formation and in attacking through the center of the field rather than the flanks. PSG can now play in a 3-4-3 and even run on the counterattack.

Their start to the season was excellent: PSG reeled off 14 straight league wins, a French record, and a slightly lucky qualification for the Champions League knockout stages after a crucial 3-2 home win against Liverpool. But things unraveled this winter.

In December, Henrique kicked Rabiot out of the squad because the midfielder refused to sign a new contract. Then, on Jan. 23, Neymar broke his metartarsal bone again. He will miss the United games. So, almost certainly, will Edinson Cavani, after he limped off during Saturday’s 1-0 home win against Bordeaux. With Verratti only just back from injury, Tuchel is struggling to field a midfield against Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s suddenly invincible side.

PSG’s run of injuries is terrifically unlucky, but also reveals a flaw in the club’s recruitment strategy: after it paid a combined transfer fee of €400 million for Neymar and Mbappe, the two most expensive players in soccer history, there wasn’t enough left to build a deep squad.

Cavani’s injury at the weekend, which puts him on the sidelines along with Neymar, could be a problem vs. Man United. Yet another issue for Tuchel to address. Jean Catuffe/Getty Images

Since the New Year, Tuchel’s previously unbeatable team has crumbled. It lost at home to village team Guingamp, away to Lyon and on Feb. 6, PSG needed extra time to beat third-division Villefranche in the French Cup.

Meanwhile, Henrique has been flailing off the field. Last summer, he failed to sign the defensive midfielder that was Tuchel’s priority. Days before the January transfer window closed, with Tuchel asking for two new midfielders, the Portuguese still hadn’t even managed to sign one. The young Argentine midfielder Leandro Paredes was expected to join from Zenit St. Petersburg but in late January, Tuchel half-joked “I’ve looked for him in the showers, in the changing room, with the janitor, the physios… but he’s not there!” Paredes eventually arrived before the deadline, but he alone may not be enough.

Henrique’s longer-term project of signing midfielder Frenkie de Jong from Ajax failed too, despite long hours of negotiations in Amsterdam’s Amstel Hotel. Perhaps predictably, the player chose Barcelona.

Tuchel is cautious when responding to questions about Henrique — “I have my views, he has his” — but the two plainly aren’t best friends. Tuchel’s exit from Dortmund after his clashes with directors there suggests one possible ending in Paris, but there’s also a more hopeful scenario for him: that Wenger replaces Henrique as sporting director. Nine months after leaving Arsenal, the Alsatian, 69 years old but still looking more like 40, is bored and keen to return to daily soccer.

Wenger has advised the club’s Qatari owners from the start. In 2011 he told them it was a “no-brainer” to buy the club. He has long been a well-paid pundit on the Qataris’ French TV channel, BeIN Sports. In recent months he has received many offers from clubs and federations but the job he appears keenest on is Henrique’s.

Tuchel is a coach in Wenger’s own image: a cerebral, multilingual workaholic obsessed with diet, match stats and beautiful football, and so far anyway, not a serial winner of trophies. In fact, Tuchel hasn’t yet won a single title. But Wenger doesn’t want to join PSG only to spend his days fighting: he wants long-term control. That would mean Henrique leaving.

A Tuchel-Wenger duo able to unleash Neymar and Mbappe would be something to behold. But first, an under-strength PSG team must somehow find its way past United.

The post Tuchel's moment of truth as PSG manager appeared first on The Chestnut Post.

from The Chestnut Post https://www.thechestnutpost.com/news/tuchel039s-moment-of-truth-as-psg-manager/

[grapsandclaps]

GRAPS AND CLAPS REVIEWS - PROGRESS WRESTLING CHAPTER 78 '24 HOUR PROGRESS PEOPLE'

Hello and welcome everyone to another edition of Graps and Claps, this time taking me on a short journey to Manchester for PROGRESS Wrestling Chapter 78 '24 Hour Progress People' from the Ritz in the first time since a banging show in February at the same venue and the first time since the big Victoria Warehouse show in May so for the people in attendance the anticipation of seeing something that they hadn't seen live for a few months was high.

Having spent the last days at Southside Wrestling which if you want to check anything out from there weekend of 3 shows make sure you check out the all-womens show on the Friday night which nearly everyone stood out on the evening especially Kris Wolf, Millie McKenzie, Kanji and Shanna with the latter winning the Queen of the Ring title and duly defended it the next evening against former NXT wrestler Kimber Lee on the Saturday evening show. 

There were also a couple of killer Mike Bailey matches on the Saturday shows vs Senza Volto in the afternoon and in the evening as part of a mixed tag team match where he teamed with his real life partner Veda Scott taking on another couple in the form of Xia Brookside & Sean Kustom that exceeded expectations by far, plus there was the continuation of my long running feud with Nottingham's No.1 Soy Boy Gabriel Kidd who offered me out to the car park for a word or two which never materialised. Truthfully though the Southside Sheffield Double Header's are usually great fun but tiring on the legs and your liver if you are drinking many £3 cans of Hooch!

With that said, let's get into my trip to PROGRESS on Sunday which started at 11am from Rochdale Train Station arriving into the first meeting spot of the Brewdog next to the Albert Hall concert venue due to Oxford Road being very busy due to the Manchester Derby between Manchester City and Manchester United and also the Remembrance Sunday commemorations. Only the one drink in here for me which was a Mad Hatter Brewery Choco Choc Choc (£4.80 2/3rds) that had a burnt orange after taste to it but it was spot on as a palate cleanser to commence the drinking for the day.

After a phone call from Athers of his whereabouts, we moved on to The Courtyard which is located not too far away from the Ritz and is widely known as more of a student drinking den with prices as low as £2.85 for pints of Pravha of which I had 3 pints of, take into account as well the half price 10 inch pizzas on a Sunday (£4) and you have a relatively cheap afternoon out before the graps. The only downfall about this place are the urine stained piss gutters and as Athers found out - no locks of note on the disabled toilet doors, meaning me and our Geoff had to play guardsmen to make sure the door was shut whilst Athers was doing his business.

Arriving at the Ritz for 230pm, we were supposed to be sat in 4th row seating but due to the sheer amount of people I know standing up for the afternoon we took our position in front of the merch desk which provided an excellent view for the afternoon's action, so without further ado let's get into what went down!

After the usual pleasantries from compere Jim, we got into the first match with Eddie Dennis receiving quite the ovation from the Manchester audience but was soon turned to jeers once the match got going against his opponent, the aforementioned 'Speedball' Mike Bailey who was looking to continue his blinding form from the weekend into this match. Early stages and Eddie used his considerable height advantage on Bailey as he he hit a sweet Cravat Neckbreaker for a two count, Bailey fired back though with a boot to the face following up with a twirling Shooting Star Press for a two count. It has to be noted that Bailey is very accustomed to using his body as a dangerous weapon using many variations of double knee stomps and splashes to wound his opponents, but on one occasion during this match, Bailey tried to his the double knees to Eddie on the Apron but missed leaving him with very sore shins - OUCH!

Back in the ring, Eddie hit a big powerbomb for 2 count but Bailey came back once again to hit a tornado roundhouse kick to Dennis whilst he was in the ring corner to floor Eddie, leaving Bailey to hit the Moonsault double knees from the top rope for a close two fall. Bailey though once again tried for the Moonsault knees but he missed leading to Eddie hitting a Next Stop Driver which got an amazing 2 count that brought a huge reaction from the crowd in attendance. Sadly though Eddie didn't rest on his laurels and duly put Bailey away with a Super Style Next Stop Driver for the win to end an amazing opener that set the tone for what would be one of the best PROGRESS show certainly in the last couple of years. Both lads deserved the round of applause from the Manchester faithful - fan-dabbie-dozzie!!!

Next up brought the usual Women being on 2nd spot, but this one brought the debut of local favourite Lana Austin who has been touted for ages for a spot on a PROGRESS chapter show as she has consistently been one of the most improved wrestler on the circuit and without one of the best women wrestlers out there in the UK and Europe. Knowing Lana very well through the North West over the years brought a sense of happiness seeing someone who has worked hard to get to this spot be very satisfying. Lana's opponent for the afternoon was Isla Dawn who had a fine match against Millie McKenzie at the last Camden show till The Spice Girls & All Saints came in and interfered,

The early feeling out process in this match was very much a 50/50 split from an offence side of things, but from a crowd side of things it was 99% in Lana's favour. Lana managed to stun Isla with the 'Peach Punch' arse smash to get a two count but it was when Lana missed a dive from the top rope that she was duly punished by Dawn who had Lana up in the electric chair position to be transitioned into a bridging  suplex pin to get the unpopular 3 count in a fairly decent contest - better luck next time Lana!

Third up, it was like looking at a mirror image as 'Smashmouth' Chris Ridgeway took on the 'Killer Import' Jordan Devlin in what looked on paper to be a hard hitting contest and one that turned out to be just that. Devlin who has been tearing up the Irish scene by store had the upper hand as he hit a Spanish Fly at one stage to get a two count on Ridgeway. Devlin followed up with hard boots and then a brainbuster which was then reversed by Ridgeway into a choke to send Devlin sprawling for the ropes. Devlin though shook this off when reversing another choke into a Piper/Hart pin for a 2 count, Devlin once again went up top trying to hit a Moonsault but was caught once again by Ridgeway who locked in a triangle choke. 

With both wrestlers at a standing base though, Devlin headbutted Ridgeway in a duel of two rutting stags to get a two count to elicit a standing ovation from those in attendance. Ridgeway fought back from this and hit a Cradle Piledriver not seen since the days of Jerry Lynn in ECW but Devlin managed somehow to roll through from this and hit a huge Package Piledriver to get the 3 count to win an excellent battle - this show ruled! One thing I didn't quite get was the appearance of Paul Robinson who challenged the defeated Chris Ridgeway saying 'Your supposed to be Hard as Fuck, but I am Harder than you' setting up a match possibly for the next Manchester show in December - surely the bloke who is Hard as Fuck shouldn't have been the one who was just defeated? Probably this was one of two minor gripes on this afternoon.

Your half time main event next with David Starr who has had a beard trim taking on Ilja Draganov who thankfully didn't come out to them Wembley jungle drums this time. To follow up what had already been an amazing first half, this delivered despite as we would find out a bit of a duff finish in one sense (I'm a clean finish man). This match had lariat battles galore between both me with sweat and souls escaping both wrestlers bodies eventually flooring both men on a couple of occasions, dives by both Starr and Ilja were hit to leave people running from there seats to move out of the way. 

Back in the ring with the match ready to go off the scale, Ilja hit a huge Torpedo Moscow headbutt to Starr to leave him laying but as he was ready to win the match out came 'The Kiwi Buzzsaw' Travis Banks wearing some newly acquired threads to attack both Ilja and Starr to cause the No Contest much to the disgust of the crowd and firmly positioning Banks in the position of bad guy for the future as he possibly goes into two mouth watering clashes against both Ilja and Dave which makes sense as we close out 2018, but just the clean finish man in me though they could have left this as an after match angle but hey ho - it is what it is!

Back from half time now with the crowd firmly settled from a scorching first half we returned with Tag Team title action as Aussie Open (Mark Davis and Kyle Fletcher) made the second defence of their titles against #CTK (Timothy Thatcher & Chris Brookes). The CTK tag team dominated early one with both Thatcher and Brookes getting the better of the Aussies but Davis and Fletcher came back with for instance Fletcher hitting a dive to the outside on both Timo and Brookes.

Back in the ring Brookes tried many variations of trying to roll up the Aussies and got multiple 2 counts from Referee Joel, but it Brookes who got a taste of his own medicine as Kyle Fletcher used a roll up of his own to pin Brookes in around 15 minutes to end a really good back and forth match.

Inspired but failed chant credit goes to my mate Davey who tried to get me to chant 'Brooksey & Tim' to the tune of 90s Children's TV show Rosie & Jim - sadly it fell flat on its arse but I enjoyed it.

Second to last match now with the Atlas Open Challenge with the Champion Trent Seven facing a mystery opponent with many names mentioned around the RItz on the afternoon but ending up with a great option in the form of Liverpool's No.1 Zack Gibson accompanied with his tag partner James Drake for whom he had a few miscommunication's with in the last few weeks. What followed was to be one of the most funniest mic battles with some reet cutting barbs against each other - the one about Trent Seven being the cheap option if Pete Dunne and Tyler Bate weren't available left me in stitches and literally leaving Trent lying on the floor. 

It was one comment though that would come back to bite Gibson on the arse as he said that all Trent was famous for was getting beat in 6 seconds by Matt Riddle at SSS16 two years ago. As the bell sounded though as per Gibson's request he was caught unawares by Trent who rolled up the Scouse Mouth in 5 seconds to send the crowd in rapture and roars of laughter as Gibson's expense - this was great booking and just what was needed after all the action before it (Thumbs up and a ten from Len)! After the match, disgusted at his defeat Gibson had a pushing match with Drake who he left alone in the ring as it looks like the Grizzled Young Veterans will be searching out divorce proceedings as a tag team.

Now is the time for the Main Event with No.1 Contender Mark Haskins trying to do the impossible as he looked to beat the unstoppable Austrian Monster WALTER. Now I admit and like a few others didn't have high expectations that Haskins would pull off the victory on this evening in Manchester but as we would find out the impossible nearly came possible! In this match Haskins played the underdog in peril perfectly here getting the Manchester crowd who had once booed him against Zack Gibson in his first title run, fully behind the man from Malvern.

With Walter looking dominant early on, Haskins managed to at least get in some offence as he floored the Austrian to hit a double stomp for a two count, Haskins followed up with the bounce back dive to the outside, back in the ring Haskins managed of all things to wrap Walter in a Sharpshooter to get him close to tapping, but Walter reached around with his huge arms (it has to be said that Walter is looking more and more in solid shape to add to his menacing demeanor) to reverse the submission into a choke of his own which Haskins managed to get out of.

Haskins on a couple of occasions tried to roll through to lift Walter but on the second time of trying he was caught in a choke sleeper but rolled through over Walter to get a 2 count. Walter did hit a powerbomb which has put away opponents in the past for a 2 count, but when at a standing base Walter put away a valiant Haskins with the Steiner Screwdriver for the 3 count to end a breathless main event and what a fitting end to an almost perfect 3 and half hour show and for me made me believe in Mark Haskins as a threat once again for the future despite losing.

Show finished, it was time for the debrief and a bit of a tea in Wetherspoons to chat with the usual folks about what a great evening of action it was. By the time 8pm, I left to catch my train thinking of what a great day and weekend I have had at the wrestling with some top people and in no way feeling burn out from it, but glad of the rest now until Sunday 18th November and Tidal Wrestling in Leeds.

In closing though, I fully recommend you check out this show on PROGRESS On Demand when it arrives as it could easily be in my top 10 shows of the year and touching the top 5 from a live experience side of things. So I hope you have enjoyed reading this review, please leave any feeback give it a share, like or retweet and I will see you next time for Tidal Wrestling at the weekend.

#grapsandclaps

@oggypart3

[auburnfamilynews]

There's not a lot to like about Auburn right now.

The offense?

Come on.

After seven games the 4-3 Tigers, out of the top 25 for the first time this season, are 11th in rushing, averaging 158.4 yards. They ran for 20 in the second half in last week's 30-24 loss to 15 1/2-point underdog Tennessee.

We can't even tell you how bad Tennessee's been on defense before Auburn. The Vols had given up 47 and 38 points in their previous two games. There are other issues on offense, but Auburn's trademark is the run and so far it's running out of chances to have a winning season.

The defense?

There's still hope because of its front seven, which is still one of the SEC's best. But it has issues too, especially now that Stidham and Co. have become a wreck. Against a Vols offense that had not scored more than 24 points against a Division I team, Auburn couldn't stop Tennessee quarterback Jarrett Guarantano, who had been more of a coach's headache than a dynamic passer. Guarantano threw for 328 yards and two touchdowns. He hadn't passed for more than 185 in any game this year.

In four conference games this season, the defense that was so heralded in the preseason has made three quarterbacks -- LSU's Joe Burrow, Fitzgerald and Guarantano --  SEC offensive player of the week.

Auburn is a four-point favorite in Saturday's 11 a.m. kickoff at Ole Miss, which has the nation's fourth-best offense, averaging 41.6 points and 551 yards a game.

The Rebels' defense is the SEC's second worst, giving up 35.1 points and almost 500 yards a game.

With games remaining against Ole Miss, Texas A&M, Liberty and road games at Georgia and Alabama, Auburn's chances of reaching bowl eligibility will turn on this weekend's outcome in Oxford.

It's getting so it's hard to keep up with all the must-win games Gus Malzahn has needed to stay off the hot seat in his six years as head coach, but Ole Miss falls in the Defcon column.

With what lies ahead, a loss could mean Auburn's worst season since Gene Chizik's 3-9 job in 2012.

This week's picks:

Auburn vs. Ole Miss It's possible the Tigers and the nation's sixth highest paid coach can stop the bleeding.

Beating Ole Miss and Liberty will guarantee a bowl trip but beating No. 17 Texas A&M, No. 8 Georgia and No. 1 Alabama would make Malzahn the college comeback kid and bring energy back to the program.

Danny Sheridan, what are the odds? Losing in Oxford a week after helping Tennessee snap an 11-game SEC losing streak would just about make it official Auburn finishes 6-6. Auburn 36, Ole Miss 31

Alabama vs. Tennessee The Third Saturday in October has turned into a bummer. Twelve straight wins against the Volunteers just sucks the tradition out of a good Third Saturday.

Tennessee (3-3)  has actually dropped 11 in a row to the top-ranked Crimson Tide (7-0), but as a 29-point underdog feel free to do the math. There isn't much the Volunteers can do to change that. Upsetting Auburn on the road looks good on the resume but the Vols are still going to struggle against teams that can run and pass and play defense.

Former Alabama defensive coordinator Jeremy Pruitt has UT on a path toward respectability. He's even found some playmakers in Guarantano, running back Ty Chandler, receivers Jauan Jenning, Josh Palmer and Marquez Callaway. The defense has a few too, ends Kyle Phillips and Alexis Johnson and freshman cornerbacks Alontae Taylor and Bryce Thompson. The future looks bright. Saturday doesn't.

With an open date coming up and then No. 5 LSU in Baton Rouge, bettors might want to take the Tennessee and the points, or the under (57), because a lot of Alabama starters are going to be on the sideline in the second half if the Tide does its usual scoring early in bunches. Alabama 45, Tennessee 13

North Texas vs. UAB At the top of Conference USA's West Division sits UAB (5-1) with its 3-0 league record. In a three-way tie for second are North Texas, Louisiana Tech and Texas-San Antonio, all at 2-1.

North Texas (6-1), a slight underdog in Saturday's 6 p.m. game at Legion Field, won the division last season and is off to its best start in 30 years. North Texas coach Seth Littrell is in his third season and is such a rising star in the coaching fraternity that super agent Jimmy Sexton added him to his stable of clients. His notoriety soared after the Mean Green upset Arkansas in Fayetteville last month. Standing in UNT's way of getting back to the league title game is UAB, which has C-USA's top scoring defense. If the Blazers want to be a legit contender this is the moment. They can open a commanding lead in the West with a victory.  It's going to take lights-out defense to do it, to contain quarterback Mason Fine, one of the nation's top passers. He's thrown for 2,210 yards, 16 touchdowns and one interception. His 16-1 touchdown-to-interception ratio is surpassed only by Alabama's Tua Tagovailoa (21 touchdowns, no picks). UAB's A.J. Erdely has 1,181 yards, seven TDs and five picks.

What UAB does best, besides playing defense, is control the clock with its running game. Will that work against the 40-points-a-game Mean Green? A shootout won't. UAB 31, North Texas 28

SEC LSU 24, Mississippi State 20 Arkansas 30, Tulsa 24 Kentucky 28, Vanderbilt 21

Spoiler alert 9 1/2-point underdog Memphis 37, Missouri 35 7-point underdog Virginia 26, Duke 23 3-point underdog Temple 26, No. 20 Cincinnati 23 Winless Nebraska 30, Minnesota 24

Other games Michigan 23, Michigan State 17 Oklahoma 40, TCU 37 Clemson 28, NC State 17 Washington 30, Colorado 27 Washington State 35, Oregon 31 Florida Atlantic 38, Marshall 30 Iowa 25, Maryland 21 Ohio State 40, Purdue 28 Utah 30, USC 27 Texas Tech 41, Kansas 27

Last week: 13-7 Season: 106-34

from Auburn Sports Impact http://www.al.com/sports/index.ssf/2018/10/post_932.html

[weekendwarriorblog]

WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND Christmas Day – Holmes and Watson, Vice

This is it. The last column of the year and at one point, this was going to be my last column ever.  I’ve just been very frustrated with the fact that I can’t get paid writing work despite being a film critic for over 17 years now. The times are changing, and the last eight months since I lost my job at Tracking Board has been an incredible drag, as I try to stay motivated to write about movies even though it’s obvious no one wants to pay me to do so.

That all said, I’m going to make this a shorter column, and yes, I’ll be back next week (and next year) with my first column of 2019 on Jan. 2, so hopefully you’ll all stick around.

In the meantime, also check out this year’s Top 25 movies!

HOLMES & WATSON (Sony)

Comedian and former “SNL” star Will Ferrell has been somewhat absent from theaters this year after appearing in two movies in 2017, one (Daddy’s Home 2) more successful than the other (The House). It was only a matter of time before he would be reunited with John C. Reilly, co-star of two of his most successful comedies, 2006’s Talladega Nightsand 2008’s Step Brothers, both which achieved the $100 million milestone. Sure, Ferrell has had a number of $100 million comedies since then, but it certainly feels like he needs a change, so what else, but a comedy based on Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson, as played by Ferrell and Reilly?

Reilly has been having moderate degrees of success in the ten years since Step Brothers, particularly with Disney’s animated Wreck-It Ralph in 2012, which grossed $189 million domestic, and the recent sequel Ralph Breaks the Internet, which is almost out of the top 10 this week with more than $160 million.  He’s also appeared in stranger places like 2017’s hit Kong: Skull Island and Marvel Studios’ Guardians of the Galaxy. Earlier this year, he received critical raves for his role in the Western The Sisters Brothersand also appears this week in the British indieStan and Ollie, playing Oliver Hardy.

Both of the duo’s previous movies opened with more than $30 million – Talladega Nights with an astounding $47 million opening – but both also opened in summer and over ten years ago. Although the Anchorman sequel fared decently over the holidays nine years after the original movie, that was a direct sequel whereas this is the duo doing a spoof.   Ferrell’s comedy Daddy’s Home opened with $38.7 million over Christmas weekend in 2015, but that was because its Christmas Day opening was a Friday vs. a Tuesday.  If  Holmes and Watson gets some of the diehard Step Brothers fans out to see it earlier in the week, it’s not gonna have that much business left for the weekend.

Missing from the tried-and-true comedy equation is director Adam McKay, Ferrell’s production partner, who has moved onto other things (see below), and this comedy is the work of filmmaker Etan Cohen, who wrote the cool comedies Idiocracy and Tropic Thunder, as well as writing and directing Ferrell’s horrible comedy Get Hard. (Yikes!)

It’s that last bit that has me worried, and it certainly won’t help that the movie looks idiotic, plus it’s coming out just seven years after the Robert Downey-Jude Law sequel Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, which grossed $186 million over the holidays in 2011 despite not being as well received as its predecessor. Wisely (or fearfully?), Sony decided not to screen the movie in advance for critics.

While the movie might make $4 to 5 million on Christmas Day, it’s likely to follow other Christmas releases where it will slowly lose business on Wednesday and Thursday so by the weekend, it will probably be lucky to make $15 million and likely will make less with stronger films still playing in theaters.

VICE (Annapurna Pictures)

The other movie being released on Christmas Day is Adam McKay’s new movie, and if you’re wondering if that’s the same Adam McKay that directed Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in Step Brothers and Talladega Nights, yes it is!

McKay continues his serious filmmaker stage following 2015’s The Big Short, which received five Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, and a win for McKay’s screenplay. It also grossed an impressive $70.2 million after a $10.5 million wide release over Christmas weekend that year. (Oddly, the movie’s expansion went up against Ferrell’s Daddy’s Home in its opening weekend.) That year, Christmas Day fell on a Friday but McKay’s foray into political humor – he had previously written for “Saturday Night Live,” as well as political comedies The Campaign and co-wrote and directed Ferrell’s George W. Bush Broadway show You’re Welcome America.

Clearly, McKay has as much an interest in politics as he does comedy, and the “Vice” of the title is former US Vice President Dick Cheney, as played by Christian Bale in another transformative role that’s likely to at least get him an Oscar nomination. Yes, this is more of a biopic than The Big Short, and it’s definitely going to be more divisive than Anchorman due to its politics.

Bale is once again joined by the amazing Amy Adams from David O. Russell’s American Hustle, and she may be heading for yet another Oscar nomination… and possibly a win this time? The movie also stars recent Oscar winner Sam Rockwell as Bush Jr, and McKay regular Steve Carell playing Donald Rumsfeld, just days after his latest movie Welcome to Marwen bombed very, very badly.

What The Big Short has that Vice doesn’t is a name star on the par of Brad Pitt, but also it’s being released by relative newbie Annapurna Pictures vs. Paramount, who has much more clout to release movies around awards time. (Oddly, Paramount also released Daddy’s Home the very same weekend it released The Big Short – that’s how much confidence the studio had in both movies!)

Reviews so far haven’t been great, at least not on par with The Big Short, though that doesn’t mean that the Academy will ignore a movie that already has a lot of Golden Globe and SAG nominations under its belt.

The awards recognition will drive the audience curiosity, even for those poor suckers on the Right who may realize that McKay’s movie will generally be biased towards the liberal side of things. Opening on Christmas Day Tuesday may mean that those who are really interested in seeing the movie will rush out to one of the 2,378 theaters into which Vice is being released.

I figure Vice can make a solid $3 or even $4 million on Christmas Day, but it will peter away after that, and the lack of school and many people having off work should help it make between $7 and 9 million over the weekend, as it works its way to around $40 million or higher depending on awards, making it Annapurna’s highest-grossing release (as a distributor) to date.

Mini-Review: Imagine if you’re Adam McKay, and you’re finally being taken seriously as a filmmaker after you tackled real-world sociopolitical issues with The Big Short, then of course, you’d want to follow that up with a movie that can be taken just as seriously. So why not make a biopic about a controversial Republican Vice President in Dick Cheney and have an actor like Christian Bale transform himself to play him?

Sure, on paper it sounds fine, and as long as you go into Vice realizing it’s a comedy with a small “c” yet also realizing you should only take it seriously to a point, and you should be fine. The film acts as a thesis, of sorts, to show how Cheney masterminded the unwarranted invasion of Iraq that killed thousands of soldiers. Once Cheney becomes VP, the film becomes far more clinical and far less entertaining, as if McKay would rather be mentioned in the same breath as Michael Moore, than be remembered as the director of such great comedies. There are still more than a few funny ideas like having the movie abruptly ending before Cheney goes back to the White House to support Bush Jr., but by then, he’s already done his damage by reinstating the executive order.

The film is a showcase for another jaw-dropping Christian Bale transformation as he channels the former VP in his early days, and then gets some added help from the make-up department in his later years. Either way, it’s the type of performance that makes you frequently forget you’re watching Bale. Amy Adams is also fantastic as Lynn Cheney, who plays a pivotal role in all aspects of Dick’s life, a performance strong enough to get another Oscar nomination. (The Cheney’s in-bed Shakespeare recitation is another one of the film’s weirder moments.) Then there’s Sam Rockwell, funny as always playing George W, and a surprising turn by Tyler Perry as Colin Powell (a small role), which leaves Steve Carell as the film’s weakest link, because Donald Rumsfeld basically just doesn’t seem too far removed from other Carell characters.

Some of the film’s better moments are in showing the evolution of Cheney’s relationship with his two daughters, the youngest Mary who comes out as gay in college, putting a damper on Cheney’s future Presidential chances. (She also becomes estranged from the family when her older sister speaks out against gay marriage during her own political run.)

Where the film really goes off the rails is with its narrator, played by Jesse Plemons, as you spend the entire movie hearing his voice, then seeing his character in various spots without understanding the connection. When his connection to Cheney is finally revealed, you are left aghast that McCay would go that route, and it almost kills the entire film.

Vice isn’t great but it isn’t terrible, and it’s no surprise this is already quite divisive even when not considering the film’s obvious politics. Either way, it’s not as strong a political biopic as either The Front Runner or On the Basis of Sex.

Rating: 7/10

Considering that there’s a lot of strong movies already in theaters, the two new wide releases will probably end up somewhere in the mid-range by Friday  , so this weekend’s Top 10 should look something like this…

1. Aquaman (Warner Bros.)  - $40.5 million -45% 2. Mary Poppins Returns  (Disney) - $18 million -19% 3. Bumblebee (Paramount) - $15.5 million -26% 4. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse  (Sony) - $14.2 million -15% 5. Holmes and Watson  (Sony) - $13.7 million N/A 6. Vice (Annapurna) - $8 million N/A 7. The Mule (Warner Bros.) - $7.5 million -25% 8.Second Act (STXfilms) - $6.8 million +7% 9. Ralph Breaks the Internet  (Disney) – $5 million +9% 10. The Grinch  (Universal) - $4.5 million -45%

LIMITED RELEASES

On Christmas Day, there are a bunch of movies that have been playing the festival circuit, including two that made it onto my top 25.

Oscar nominee Felicity Jones plays Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in Mimi Leder’s ON THE BASIS OF SEX (Focus Features), a film that looks at her years going through Harvard Law School while helping her ill-stricken husband (played by Armie Hammer), leading up to the two of them going in front of the Supreme Court to fight for gender equality. If you enjoyed the doc RBG released earlier this year, this excellent drama gives even more life and emotion to the story of this amazing, inspiring woman who has done so much for civil rights in this country. Sadly, it seems to have been ignored during awards/festival season, but I think Jones gives another awards-worthy performance, and it will be playing in roughly 33 theaters across the country starting Christmas Day.

I was also a big fan of STAN AND OLLIE  (Sony Pictures Classics), as in Laurel and Hardy, as played by Steve Coogan and John C. Reilly. Directed by Scottish filmmaker Jon S. Baird (Filth) from a fantastic original script by Jeff Pope, the film begins with the duo’s final days at Hal Roach Studios, then cuts forward decades later when the duo are signed to play a series of live shows in England, a tour that isn’t going particularly well, at least to begin. It’s a fantastic story of the relationship between this incredibly talented duo, and one can’t overlook the contribution of Nina Arianda and Shirley Henderson as Stan and Ollie’s respective wives who add a lot to the humor. It will open in New York and L.A. on Friday and fingers crossed it will expand in the new year to other areas.

Nicole Kidman in her third movie of the year glams it down in Karyn Kusama’s DESTROYER (Annapurna Pictures), playing detective Erin Bell, who is investigating a murder that has connections to an undercover assignment she took on earlier in her career. This is another fantastic performance by Kidman in terms of playing this person who has clearly been put through the wringer over the course of her life, and I love seeing Kusama continuing with the genre realm in which she’s already done some decent explorations. It opens in select cities Christmas Day.

Also, if you happened to miss Peter Jackson’s World War I doc THEY SHALL NOT GROW OLD (Warner Bros./Fathom Events) on Monday, December 17, then you’ll get another chance this Thursday, December 28, so definitely check it out while you have a chance to see it on the big screen in 3D as it was intended.

REPERTORY

Similar to last week, much of this week’s repertory offerings are continuations of the past few weeks with most of the new series beginning in the new year.

METROGRAPH  (NYC):

The Metrograph’s holiday series will include screenings of Bad Santa, The Muppet Christmas Carol and 3 Godfathers on Christmas Day as well as the continuing Miyazaki at Studio Ghibli series and In the Year of the Grifter. This week’s Playtime: Family Matinee is the excellent Gotham Award-winning doc Mad Hot Ballroom (2005).

THE NEW BEVERLY  (L.A.):

Christmas Day sees Laurel and Hardy’s March of the Wooden Soldiers (1934) paired with the Marx Brothers’ Horse Feathers (1932) as well as the roadshow version of Tarantino’s The Hateful Eight. Weds and Thursday sees double features of Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) and What’s So Bad About Feeling Good? (1968), but Friday and Saturday sees a double feature of The Poseidon Adventure (1972) and Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979). Saturday and Sunday’s family friendly film is Joe Dante’s Gremlins (1984), while the Saturday midnight movie is New Year’s Evil (1980). Sunday and Monday, there will be double features of The Godfatherand The Valachi Papers, both from 1972.

FILM FORUM  (NYC):

Besides the Christmas with Nat King Cole program on Christmas Day, the Film Forum will kick off a week-long run of Mitchell Leisen’s Easy Living (1937) with a screenplay by Preston Sturges and starring Jean Arthur. The weekend’s Film Forum Jr. is Laurel and Hardy’s Way Out West (1937), probably to tie-in with Stan and Ollie, which shows the filming of the movie. The Film Forum will have a single presentation of Susan Dryfoos’ 1996 doc The Line King: The Al Hirschfeld Story will be screened in 35mm with a QnA with Hirschfeld’s wife and the film’s director to follow.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE  (LA):

Although closed on Christmas Eve and Day, the theater will show the 70mm version of Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey for the rest of the week.

AERO  (LA):

Also closed on Christmas, but it will reopen on Thursday, Dec. 27 with the start of its Screwball Comedy Classics 2018, beginning with Ernst Lubich’s The Shop Around the Corner (1940), paired with Christmas In Connecticut (1945). Also part of that series is Friday’s WC Fields double feature of It’s a Gift (1934) and Never Give a Sucker An Even Break (1941), Saturday is Frank Capra’s It Happened One Night (1934) with Midnight (1939), both starring Claudette Colbert, and Sunday is a Preston Sturges double feature of The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek and Hal the Conquering Hero, both from 1944. On New Year’s Day, the Aero will show the Marx Brothers’ Duck Soup(1933).

QUAD CINEMA  (NYC):

What’s a better way to spend Xmas than with the Quad’s Rated X  series? (Trenchcoat optional.)

IFC CENTER  (NYC)

The downtown theater will open a 75thanniversary digital restoration of the cinema classic Casablanca (1942), beginning on Wednesday.

FILM SOCIETY OF LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

Jacques Tourneur, Fearmaker continues through Jan 3.

MOMA  (NYC):

Modern Masters: Douglas Fairbanks Jr.concludes this week with reshowings of Gunga Din (1939) on Weds, Little Caesar (1931) on Thurs and The Corscian Brothers (1941) on Friday. The retrospective Ugo Tognazzi: Tragedies of a Ridiculous Man also concludes on Sunday.

That’s it for this year, but I’ll be back next week (on Wednesday) with Escape Roomand more. Happy New Year!

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

----------------

--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

----------------------

--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------

"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.*         2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.*                         between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.*              3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.*  2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.*  either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

-----------------------

Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------

"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).*  3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Nic Nat Tackle Whacked

DONALD Glover, aka Childish Gambino, has released a very provocative music video for his latest hit This is America. Why mention that here? That’s a song and subsequently a film clip too that is about gun violence, American politics, race-based atrocities. This column is about none of those things, most weeks anyway.

But one theme that Glover touches on with the way the video is choreographed is about where your eyes focus. In it you naturally take notice of him, centre of shot, dancing, smiling, making faces. The subtext explored is that because the viewer does this, they miss all the more important stuff happening in the background, which is natural but undesirable human behaviour – a metaphor the for the political landscape in the United States on a number of sensitive but highly pertinent issues.

So what’s the link?

Whether it’s state of the game, suspicious tribunal reports or the reasons we immediately think in diagnosing why Essendon’s bad, or the Brisbane-Collingwood game is good, our proclamations might not necessarily be accurate. What’s happening in the background, what’s the root cause of what we’re seeing and sensing. Are we just being lazy in our judgement?

Not here we ain’t. We proclaim we get serious here. And we do. On that note…

  1.    So we start with tonight’s tribunal sittings. Firstly, Tom Hawkins, touching the umpire. The precedent on this is Heath Shaw, who was dismissive in his physicality without being overly demonstrative. Hawkins was similar. But we say Shaw was a good ‘precedent’ but in reality, that will be relevant in predicting the punishment as how good a mood the sitting Tribunal members are in tonight. How good was their day, did they have a good lunch, did their Uber run late which really got their goat, did their Foxtel not record Masterchef last night and they can’t get the Tenplay website to work as well? For me, it’s a week. Not because he is playing Collingwood but because any sort of fine doesn’t say much. If umpire contact is a big deal, when deliberate, then it’s a week.

2.    Now, young Nic Naitanui. Tackles a bloke strongly and he has a date with the tribunal. But as per the Ryan Burton-Shaun Higgins incident of a few weeks back, the theme in 2018 is that if your actions are good, ok, legal, but the injury is purely accidental, you’re ok. So in that case, from a technique standpoint, other than a push in the back free Naitanui did not do anything to warrant a suspension. So he should get off, not even any sort of minimal fiscal sanction either. Watch him get two weeks down to one or something and we’re back for an appeal on Thursday but he should not get anything.

3.    Quick divert to other sports before back to the Footy – first, Ice Hockey. Yep, you saw that coming. Shout out to Nathan Walker. Who? Yep, fair call, but he is someone you should know about. He is the first Australian to play in the National Hockey League, he has played only nine games, seven of which for the Washington Capitals. But today he was the first Aussie to take part in a playoff game. And he scored a point too, an assist. Bloody good on the bloke.

4.    And then also in the US, Ben Simmons. Haven’t touched on the fella in this column yet but oh my. His 76ers are only a game away from having their season come to an end, still a pretty good performance even if they don’t get the chance to play for a title. But no question now that he is this country’s biggest star. The fact he plays just like Magic Johnson, someone we’ve all heard of, and just maybe could be just as talented as Magic too, is phenomenal. Sure, he will go to the Olympics and help the Boomers finish with a Bronze, maybe, one day, perhaps, but what he’ll do in his NBA career on a global stage will amaze. He won’t just amaze us patriotic few back here, he’ll amaze the natives over there, which is quite something.

5.    Quick couple on the A-League, and we have to touch on the Grand Final. Yes, it was a pulsating finals series, the standard on show was reasonable and Victory deserve all the plaudits. Now the bad stuff. Adelaide vs. Carlton on free-to-air  Saturday night rated 415,000, 170,000 of that in Melbourne. Only 183,000 people watched the A-League on ONE, 64,000 of those in Melbourne. Both NRL games out rated the game on Foxtel, and the Swans-Roos game matched it as well. So it’s a good thing no-one was watching to see the horrendous attempt at a pre-match obviously choreographed by sugar-high local kindergarten students. Or the missed offside goal…

6.    How does that happen? We acknowledge the score review in the AFL is poor, but compared to the stuff up in Newcastle Saturday night it’s as perfect as Baby John Burgess hosting a TV game show. The fact that the television referee, known as the VAR, lost his feed to do his job correctly 20 seconds before the only goal in the game, a goal that was clearly offside, that the assistant referee missed it too or believed that his mate upstairs would see it anyway so not to worry, that the game continued without any pause or review – disastrous. Then, the audacity with the statement on Sunday morning to not just admit the stuff up but adjoin it with an apology, that they “understand the disappointment and frustration of the Newcastle Jets”. The FFA is as good as running the A-League as Steve Harvey announcing the winner of Miss Universe. Oh my hat!

 7.    Ok, so some Footy again. Where to start. Let’s close off this ‘state of the game’ nonsense. Firstly, the Brisbane-Collingwood game wasn’t the saving grace, which I’ll touch on shortly, but it was decent we concede. But clearly what we could do to ensure that all games can be attractive, not just one or two a weekend, is twofold – remove the ruck nominations and be far more stringent with incorrect disposal. Remove the need for ruckmen to nominate, it means a quicker stoppage, no time to set up, and as long as only two go up, we’re good. The third man up was the issue, why we need to outline who the rucks are beforehand is redundant.

 8.    And then incorrect disposal – how many times do we see play on when the ball spills out, or is dropped, or someone attempts to kick but misses, but gets let off because he had a crack? Bin it. If you take possession, you must get rid of it legally unless your tackler knocks it free, then we are cool for that to be play on. You’ll get a lot more free kicks and less ball-ups. But no-one will be put off because everyone knows if you had prior and you don’t get rid of it properly you’re in danger. So there’s two good moves, no need for zones, which is laughable given it will do precisely zero to congestion. Malcolm Blight, you’re a legend, but on this you’re drunk, or old, or both. Sorry mate. You think it sounds legit but practically it does nothing.

 9.    Now as for that Lions-Pies game, oh, the ecstasy afterwards, the number of children that will be born in nine months’ time off the back of it. It only gets the love because it was a high-scoring thriller. It was high-scoring firstly because both teams uncharacteristically kicked straight, it even broke some league accuracy records. If they kicked at league average it would be 14 goals to 13, or similar, and just a ‘good game’ then. The game in Sydney on Saturday was arguably closer, and if anything more akin to a finals game standard, but everyone got swept up in Sunday twilight. Spare me. The Lions were gallant, the Pies were good enough, move along. Rub your eyes a bit and then look again perhaps? It was decent but not orgasmic.

 10. As for the Swans-Roos result, that’s a far more relevant game to look at, so let’s. Firstly, the home team. That’s the third loss at home, which is strange. Yes, no Franklin, but they didn’t have the Budweiser down at Geelong and got away with it. The forward line, or forward of the ball play, is hit and miss right now for the Bloods. They are so Buddy-focused that without him they are so unpredictable it can mean on-the-road success to a off-guard Geelong, or equally make them ripe for the taking at home to North. A reliable plan B is necessary, may mean they don’t win that Cats game, but it assures them of the home win instead, which is probably a better outcome going forward when he misses.

 11. So how about those Roos? A big scalp. Needed it, so far their wins were not massively persuasive. But ahead of the ledger, playing some good football, the combo of Brown, Ziebell and the return of Mason Wood inside 50 is very dangerous. Reliable down back too but I fear that when it comes to big games, much like the Melbourne loss they a month ago, up against a class, top-8 midfield they’ll be found wanting more often than not. But, great signs for the rebuild, this isn’t about 2017 for the Shinboners, so it’s all good stuff.

 12. Hmm, Essendon. Not good at the moment. Brendan Goddard continues to add to his portfolio of ‘really bad high possession count games’ and the whole ball movement is just ordinary. Certainly putting talent on the park each week but they’re not able to do enough when they have it for long enough, but worse still are not defending anywhere near enough cohesively as a unit when they haven’t got it. Clearly looks a confidence thing, couple bad losses have set them back, a good game or two can turn this around pretty quick; momentum is pretty powerful when you have it (West Coast) but gee, when you haven’t, it’s horrible – hard to stop, hard to turn around.

 13. Joe Daniher is copping plenty around the traps, out of form, a bit of a poster boy for their performance as a team in one sense. Now this is an All-Australian centre-half forward only 12 months ago, so he deserves a little more credit. And mind you, yes, he might not be playing his best, but I don’t think the team setup is helping him too much. For mine sharing the 50 with James Stewart and Jake Stringer is hindering Daniher. Yes, Daniher meshed ok with Stewart last year, but now with Stringer spending a lot of time inside 50, Stewart is now in Daniher’s way. This team does not look good with all three, and its main impact is being felt with the form of their key man. Either Stringer has to get on the ball more, or despite how well he has played in his role Stewart’s spot needs to be looked at. Harsh, yet Daniher can play a lot better but a shuffle of the magnets is required first.

 14. A tick to this column, pardon the forthcoming narcissism. This time last week we whacked Jon Patton, he then had another off night Friday (did a lot rucking though, granted) and the football media then jumped on. Remember where you read it first. They all either read my column or are just massively behind. Either way, stick with this column each week first and foremost.

 15. Freo are just not bringing the effort this last little bit and it’s very concerning. Lots to like about their 2018 prospects as this column outlines but the stats that measure effort and want are looking a little wanting. Has the club been distracted by the Ross Lyon stuff? Do they need a good old-fashioned week of training where mouthguards are required? This team is good enough for September, if they miss it’s a lost opportunity. Still only early May, they remain a ‘Hold’.

 16. Nat Fyfe though, playing beautifully. Best on ground for sure on the weekend, with the reigning Brownlow medallist sharing the same field. They didn’t really play on one another for comparison but as we speak, if you had to do the old-school lunchtime picking teams, Fyfe goes before Martin. Don’t let any Victorian bias let you down, Fyfe is just better.

 17. Um, St Kilda. It’s all a bit scratchy isn’t it? And the real shame is you ask Carlton fans, is there anything to be positive about, winless from seven, worst start in their club’s history, a club that’s properly old, not GWS old? And they respond no, sure, Curnow, Cripps, but no, not really. It’s a very sulky and sad kind of response. But if you ask them to choose between their list and the Saints’, then there’s a pause, followed by a wry smile. They answer theirs, and wonder off with the slightest pep in their step. And I agree with them, the Saints list might just be league’s worst right now. I’d rather Brisbane’s list a well. Trouble at Moorabbin.

 18. Couple on Hawthorn. Think Fox Footy’s Tom Morris might be on good oil here, the Hawks right now would be favourites for Tom Lynch. They will offer more money than Richmond off the top, and whilst I still believe Collingwood won’t be outbid for salary or term, just feel Lynch would chose Dingley over the Holden Centre. As a Roughead replacement it’s perfect. And to be coached by Clarkson, the man who was coach of the last 100-goal season, it makes too much sense.

 19. And on Clarkson too, he might be the biggest threat to Richmond right now. This column doesn’t massively rate his Hawks, but is besotted by his ability to get results, make things happen, strategically and tactically get his team towards the top. And Clarko knows this year’s yardstick, it’s the mob from Punt Road, and can now over the course of three months analyse and break down and plot a method that his less-talented team can deploy should they meet in September. If I’m Damien Hardwick, I’m almost somehow preparing for that already in readiness, Clarko is that good, and dangerous.

 20. And lastly this week, Bomber Thompson. Bad week for him last week, and then curiously this week those especially grubby journos thought it public interest to run a column exposing his long-term love interest who just happens to be Thai citizen. What’s curious is what is the point in doing so? She has nothing to do with anything related to the two-time premiership coach getting into hot water with the law, she’s got very little if anything to do with his social spiralling away from football. The only reason you run that story is, and we’ll be careful here even though we know we don’t need to, is because of … how to be delicate here… her interesting backstory. Or should we say his interesting backstory. Now that’s no-one’s business, nor really that interesting. But clearly that’s the only reason you run that story, yet they didn’t mention it. Bizarre times.

(originally published May 8)