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Using the notepad app as a disorganized catch-all for all my notes has some, uhh...interesting juxtapositions, don't you think? 😂
#nyxrambles#It's giving neurodivergent Domme 🥴#I need to unfuck my life after dealing with months of illness and emergencies and holidays and other bullshit so here we are!#Listen...I CAN fix you...but not until I fix my inability to fill out my planner and get 10 minutes of sun every day 😫#If you know what “IBNU” is from you get a cookie 😘
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it’s official; i’ll be working 5:30-9:30pm instead of 6:30-9:30pm thursday-monday due to the fact that we have 6 momma dogs and 37 puppies between them all in addition to the 4 dogs i have to walk (6 right now because we have two dogs boarding with us unfortunately) which means that i should have time to clean everything thoroughly and it also means that i will be making about $680 instead of $578 each biweekly paycheck which isn’t a lot but it is significantly more than $0 per week and this job suits my schedule so so so much better than literally every single other job i have had and also i get paid for getting some puppy therapy
#⟡ — kayleigh’s yapping#it’s only until we have less puppies of course but then again i honestly might just ask if i can work 5:30-9:30pm from now on 🤷🏼♀️#the extra hour makes a huge difference because it takes ~30min to walk all 6 dogs currently#so i should be done walking dogs by 6pm and then i have until 9pm to clean everything before i have to walk dogs again#ngl i will probably still have to stay 10-15 minutes late but that’s totally fine i am used to it by now lmao#when summer comes around it’ll be nice to have that extra hour to walk the dogs for longer#but right now the weather is usually shit and it is usually cold af so i only walk them until they go potty#they all get woods walks during the day so it ain’t a big deal that i don’t walk them for a super long time#ANYWAYS i am going to attempt to go tf back to sleep asap until 3:45ish and i am so so so glad that i have two days off after tonight#i just have to go pickup a big curbside grocery order tomorrow afternoon#(i always feel bad for getting 50+ items but i get so overstimulated if i go in and shop myself 😭)#(and i mean. it’s their job. i worked curbside pickup at a different store for a bit and it was infinitely preferable to working registers)#unfortunately i have been putting off groceries because i couldn’t get them last week due to their slots being full due to the holiday#so i have to make up for that by ordering a lot at once ughhh
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ohhh i love that i waited until today to ask my psych for refills and Of Course they’re out of the office starting today until (checks calendar) tuesday. which is basically a week away. and i have 3 vyvanse left. i love that for me
#to be fair i saw an email from their office saying they would be unavailable for some days coming up but i assumed it would be over the evil#turkey holiday. not for 6 days the week before#guess i’ll die! i do have some emergency addy w me for this exact scenario but the bad new is that i hate addy#so ig i will simply just have to deal with the manic energy and big crash that makes me So cranky and having to set an alarm every day to#take a second dose bc if i wait a minute too late i will start crashing and then it’s all over#anyway this is basically my fault and i shouldn’t be annoyed w them. even tho i am
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The flaws with your logic to dating someone being "become friends with them first" is that a) you make it further than you thought and the guy you've been stealing glances at for months is now just this guy you have Conversations with Everyday (insane transition to comprehend) and that b) now you have a friendship to ruin forever if you ask him out and he says no. So that's nice.
#i have Nobody i can rant to so its going on the side blog sorry mutuals#we're like 3 weeks into the school year and like genuinely really good friends who talk everyday now its scary#like if you told me this before the summer holidays id be like wtf#ive gotten scarily extroverted since like April this year its strange#but like genuinely help there are only 6 40 minute classes a week we dont have together. 6 out of 42. yeah.#AND we're in the school musical together where every scene hes in im ALSO in#And he got the one role i really hoped he didnt have because hes playing my characters love interest/side piece ig#how do i deal with this. how#Guys. he genuinely seems to enjoy my company. what the fuck.#ramble over#personal#idek what to say man i just needed to say it all#thank you beloved mutuals for putting up with me#idk how to tag this
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#just need to bitch about my new job for a minute#first of all - so lucky and happy to have a job i will say that#been unemployed for two months and i need something to pay the bills#but...the fucking 'no one wants to work' of it all is such bullshit#so this new company starts you at $13/hr#not great but considering i live in rural america it's way worse around here#they're remote but their definition of remote is that you can only work from your house no where else#you get two days off per week but it's not two days back to back#if you're full time you get extra holiday pay but there are no holidays off#if you're part time fuck you you just have to work#full time employees get 10 vacation days and 6 sick days#part time you just get so many unpaid hours off#like...i'm working part time because i'm hoping to get actual work in my field#but you're telling me if i was full time i'd get /16 days/ of paid time off per year?#but also i'm not allowed to go anywhere else while i work??#like i have family just out of state that i could pop over and see on a long weekend or even a short one#but i don't even have two days back to back so i just can't go see them without taking time off#and like...probably i can just use a vpn and it won't be a big deal#and i'm hoping this is a super temporary thing and i can actually use my degree#but like /fucking hell/ of course no one wants to work in conditions like this!#i know it's work from home and there are some perks to that but not enough to make up for everything else#also not them telling me during my interview that after training you don't have to be on camera#but during out first day today being told we have to 'earn the privilege'#bitch please it's fucking chat support#i am just so tired of employers thinking that it's a privilege for us to work for them#it's a privilege for you to have me honestly#oh and also if you run out of days off you don't get unpaid time off#they just start giving you strikes#like our trainer is really nice and great but also she's trying to sell this 10 days off as some kind of amazing thing#in the us that's /fine/ if you also get the holidays off!
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The final few days before the week off really are dragging outttttt
#i dont ✨️like this ✨️#i cant get a grip on my temper for the life of me i cannot deal with working in a sunny window for the rest of my damn shift#and because its sunny all the customers are going to be pissy so im gonna get More Pissy and i just want to go home#i need it to be raining and i need it to not be a bank holiday weekend and i need to not be working with ppl under the age of 20#and i need the kitchen to send orders out In Order. and i need them to tell us when they're waiting on certain foods#i just need to keep my shit together for the next four hours and 25 minutes.
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sometimes a work shift is so bad that i come home and genuinely consider dropping out of art college and going to law school or something so that i don't have to work minimum wage the rest of my life
#I fucking hate bank holidays sorry#“yay day off” kys. I have work instead of college so I get to deal with hordes of ppl celebrating#the kitchen was so backed up they were 45 minutes late today. btw#I better get a 100 million euros in tips .
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#rant time:#its things like this that i always hated in this fandom with this band#the minute they are off they arent just off#their time off is also commodified#they cant just go away and work they have to be seen and stunt#like January was always the most annoying month from 2013 to 2016#there was always some dumb stunt just as the holidays began#first with Caroline in 2011 and taylor in 2012#and eleanor from 2011 to 2015#then Kendall and others for harry#they need harry to have a girl for the winter and january was stunt time#it just always made us want to speed run the month since concerts would#start in February every year but 2014 cuz of nialls surgery#now we've lived through camille olivia and this new taylor for january#all of them meant to be love interests for albums too which was stupid but i digress there#then we have louis last year with that dumb pap walk after elounor bua#now we might have her back ugh#its so unnecessary since we have been told versions of louis writing style#he has one but says he doesnt truly need the muse. bs but its something he has said#only time will tell but i dont want to deal with more depressed louis pics#or more of dothehussell they are both dumb#can we let harry have an actuall break and let louis enjoy his tour#let us get rid of the child too please#i can only watch so many videos where you can literally see actual pics of louis laid over the childs face#this was the stuff i was tired of in 2019 i dont want more in 2024#alright rant over#if you read thanks
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I am going to make it thru this week even if it kills me I am GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WEEK REALLY IM going to make it through this week
#when Dean Martin said I can't remember a worse December' in that one Christmas song.... he really gets it#this entire month has had me in such a strong chokehold that it's fucking with my BODY like new grey hair serious hormonal acne#breakthrough bleeding (literally the same day that I told my doctor my new birth control was going great and I hadn't had any)#like#between political stressors. the ceiling inexplicably leaking in my bedroom. having to do all the middleman work between the maintenance man#and the people who live above me to get it fixed#and ordering three (3) things to be shipped to my apartment only for the USPS to decide that I don't actually live here??? and send ALLL OF#THE PACKAGES BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM and having to communicated with 3 different customer service people each one with increasing diffi#difficulty to get the things shipped BACK to me only for one to arrive and be shipped BACK AGAIN !!!A-FUCKING-GAIN because they have the#AUDACITY to say that my unit is vacant?????? despite the fact they actually managed to get one if he other three things delivered to me#earlier in the same week and I left a handwritten note on the mailbox for my unit saying that I really do live there and pls stop fucking#with my mail you're driving me crazy mr mailman#and now having to upend my entire bedroom and put away. cover or hide all my stuff so it doesn't get covered in drywall dust while they fix#the water damage on my wall with no idea or conception of how long it will take for them to be done#AND#the stuff I used to treat the hormonal acne breakout on my chin has helped the cystic acne calm down but has ALSO severely fucked up my s#skin and so my chin is just really red and flaky and quite frankly ugly as fuck. just in time for the holidays when I do sort of want to#look cute for my familly and have some minute bit of self confidence but noooooo I can't have that#I feel horrible for whatever poor postal worker is going to have to hear about my mail issues because I used up all my paitience dealing#with the maintenance man and I really don't think I have much professionality and tact left in me#I understand that all these issues on their own are pretty minor but collectively they're really fucking wearing on me#I feel like im forgetting one#maybe it's when someone tried to switch the utilities for my apartment into their name not once but TWICE#but I feel like there was something else#oh wait yeah also my lil Christmas party with friends was supposed to happened but got cancelled bc one of my friends has Covid :))#and I DO work with her and I HAVE seen her all week and the way my luck is going I'll probably end up with Covid for christmss#aaaaaand my OTHER friends birthday celebration was supposed to be the next day but that got cancelled TOO because of The 'Vid#so all I did was stay in the house all weekend grind on Christmas gifts get high/drunk and watch movies#which.... not bad but I do miss my friends#and I'm sad that they're sick right before the holidays like that has to suck so much
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So I've been fairly absent, some irl things going not so great, but I'm sorta tired of being angry and should try and focus my limited energy elsewise at this point. I've only really been logging in for subs and sanctuary hhhh. I've just been stuck in this cycle of--
SO. There's going to be a small shuffle of characters, mostly just moving a few to Maduin with Tristan I think, they'll be in a small personal fc but Tristan will be free to join an rp fc if he finds one over there. He has a banner in my pinned post now with a remade carrd, and a small house I bid on a whim to decorate.
I'm not really actively looking for rp or contacts right now (other than Tristan for an fc), but everyone appears to be free atm if anyone is interested and has an idea for a plot/interaction. Or if anyone wants to help co-run an airship fc on mateus lmao
#10lbs of angy in a 1lb package atm#obviously no one and nothing about people on here im not vaugeposting#It's mostly work tbh#even today they decided to try and get me in last minute#like do you think i'm not an adult with plans made for my off days???#on a fucking HOLIDAY they said I had off?#if you wanted me on valentines-which I ASKED THEM IF THEY DID- fucking SCHEDULE ME FOR IT don't call and message me all day about it ffs#there's been enough issues even murdercatte is telling me to quit and find something else#I just tend to isolate when im in bad moods because i dont want other people to deal with it
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#viral social moments went from aces walk ins to people setting records and if my mercs don't get the respect they deserve...#and respect does not mean just throwing that campaign out#or that night .. because they had to use the word IF for a reason#they gave me the impression that it was going to acknowledge social media campaigns#but i guess they got bored of looking through the teams' stuff#not that 1k points wasn't a big deal on social it was#but to me it's disingenuous to call them the same thing#if you wanted to do a top 5 records set do that instead#don't suddenly change your focus after at least one non holiday weekday of radio silence#my current hypothesis is that their social media scheduler broke or someone's pto wasn't communicated properly#and another thing: if you really wanted to recognize tina and a'ja you wouldn't schedule their posts an hour and 11 minutes apart#which points to my hypothesis
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ngl im not really in the christmas spirit this year
#mostly because 1) its our first christmas without my grandma 2) its our first christmas where my brother and his family moved out#and they won't be coming over on christmas#which means i won't get to see my niece#which. if they moved further away i could live with but they literally moved a 10 minute drive away#but i get it ig. they only got the house last month so it makes sense they'd want to spend#their first holiday there at home and not having to travel#it just. sucks y'know? if it wasn't our first christmas without grammie i could deal with it#but that's spending christmas without a whole quarter of our family. our christmases aren't very big#but we had each other and all that crap#idk. its not the end of the world but it just sapped me of what seasonal cheer i had#now im feeling very unmotivated#mickey.txt
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#vent#vent post#Seven’s Public Diary#took me thirty five godforsaken minutes to reply to one single text message#what’s the point of anything anymore. i wanna just lay down in a ditch and give the fuck up#im so tired#i can’t keep up! i cannot do this shit! i’m inching toward a breaking point!#shouldn’t ever take that long to cobble together four fucking sentences. there’s something so very very wrong with me#can’t remember the last time i said or typed something out and Didn’t regret it#i can’t tell if it’s the autism or the social anxiety or the asocial-ness or the years of isolation or what but. uhm Something’s to blame#is anyone in the market for a good-for-nothing housepet. …/hj#i’m Very quiet and Mostly potty trained. but im also scared of everything and require a lot of food so. it’s a bad deal tbh lmao#okay thats enough self-pity. there’ll be time for more later but not now#time to wrangle the fragmented pieces of my broken brain together long enough to get some holiday shopping done. joy joy joy.#fucking hate the holidays and i hate this family. and this life. and this body. and this brain. but i can’t escape it#just gotta reach the point where i can stop feeling it all so deeply. hey siri how do i turn off my emotions#oh what’s that? it took me nearly 30 minutes to make this stupid fucking vent post? yeah that sounds about right. sigh
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so. as you may know it’s christmas eve. as you probably don’t know i am eastern european. and probably the only real tradition anyone holds onto is christmas eve. normally my great aunt does all the food and very begrudgingly sometimes lets everyone help make like. one thing.
well.
this year. the year of our lord two thousand and twenty four. she decided she was done cooking and it was up to everyone else.
so i got a phone call from my mom a few weeks ago being like hey so. you’re making the cake. got it? good.
the cake in question is a walnut cake. i was entrusted with my great aunts recipe about seven years ago. i’ve made it twice. the first time i fucked up the frosting quantity. the second time i fucked up the eggs. both times were passable at best and notably! my great aunt did not taste either of them.
and i have to make this cake. on christmas eve. it is dessert. for everyone. my extended family will all be eating the cake. the walnut cake. on christmas eve. even my great aunt.
so yesterday, december 23 if you are counting, i went on the annual Last Minute Christmas Food Shopping Trip with my father, watched him climb into the case to get his half and half like he does every year, and stressed about my cake as i made sure i had all of the ingredients.
then. we went to my great aunts house. where i was met with Trial Number 1: The Cognac
this cake has cognac in the frosting. not a big deal really. except for the fact that my mom hates that there is cognac in the frosting. (my mom is hell bent on making christmas eve dinner vaguely healthier. no one else agrees.) and i was to be making the cake in my moms house.
also important to note: we (as in my parents) do not own cognac. mostly because none of us drink.
so my great aunt is like oh i have to give you the cognac. cause she knows. i am baking the cake. the walnut cake. (my dad told her. he is a traitor). and i say okay. sure. this won’t be a problem at all.
so she gives me. a shot of cognac. and when i say a shot. i mean an Entirely Full Shot Glass of Three Hundred Dollar Cognac. in a jar. for the cake. the walnut cake. that i have to make.
upon bringing the cognac home my mom says no we’re not putting that in. the cognac sits on the counter in its jar. no one touches it.
then i was met with Trial Number 2: The Frosting.
this recipe requires a pound of chopped walnuts. first. i couldn’t even find the walnuts. my sister and i searched high and low and in every cabinet we could find but no nuts. i called my mom. and said mom where are the walnuts? and she said. “they’re in the nut bag behind the basement door.”
oh of course. how could i have missed the nut bag? a holiday bag full of bags of nuts that was half hidden by wrapping paper and also behind a door?
in any case. could i have used a food processor? absolutely. did i? no. half because i forgot and half because i didn’t want to accidentally grind the walnuts into a paste. so i enlisted the help of my younger sister to chop the walnuts By Hand while i embarked on the real devil: the frosting.
which remember. is supposed to have cognac.
so i cream my butter. i add my sugar. i’m careful not to over sugar. i taste it a million times. i add my coffee and my vanilla extract (instead of cognac. which is still sitting on the counter) and it was all going so well until. the butter rebelled.
now remember. one time when i made this. seven years ago. i made too little frosting. so i made more this time. and i thought i had all my conversions right but evidently i did not because suddenly there was too much liquid in my frosting and it split.
the frosting for the walnut cake that everyone was going to eat. on christmas eve. the very next day.
i felt like a contestant on great british bake-off getting smited by the tent.
so i did the logical thing and shoved the whole mess into the fridge hoping that it would sort itself out overnight.
then it was time to face Trial Number Three: The Cake Itself.
as i have said this cake is a walnut cake. the christmas eve walnut cake that has been at christmas eve longer than i have been alive. and it requires no less than ten egg whites. which i whipped and i added to my walnuts and shoved the whole thing into the oven in my two baking dishes.
only to discover no less than 40 minutes later that the batter in the pans was Not Even (despite my best efforts). so i cooked one longer than the other and hoped that i hadn’t monumentally fucked up the walnut cake. like i had the frosting. which was in the fridge. and i was ignoring.
which leads to Trial Number Four: The Egg Yolk Cake
see i had ten egg yolks. i didn’t know what to do with them. my mom said flush them. my dad said make a custard. i proposed making egg nog. my mom said she didn’t want it in the house cause it was too fattening (a blatantly incorrect statement. please, if you are reading this, go drink a glass of eggnog. or some other fun festive drink. food is for the soul.) so i produced a recipe for an egg yolk pound cake. i made it. i still don’t know if it came out good cause i haven’t tasted it. i hope it did. but that was not the point. the point is the walnut cake. the christmas eve walnut cake.
and the following morning i was met with Trial Number Five: The Frosting Part 2
first i threw my failed frosting back in the mixer and it immediately secreted a brackish combination of vanilla extract and coffee so i did the only thing i could. facetimed my dad and said “father there are problems abound.” and he gave me the fatherly advice of “make it again.”
and so i did.
with more correct measurements. still scared it would split at any second.
though it didn’t.
and i didn’t add the cognac.
maybe no one will be able to tell???
my mom said that if anyone asks the first batch of frosting failed and i had to toss it. this is technically true.
but i had frosting. i had two uneven cakes. and it was time for Trial Number Six: Decorating
decorating cakes is easily in my top ten least favorite activities. decorating the christmas eve walnut cake is easily in my top three least favorite activities. because i am terrible at decorating cakes. and also because it has a filling.
the filling is jam. and i once again made the wrong choice because i put the jam on first before the frosting. which to be fair is what the directions say. but as everyone knows, the directions in recipes you get from your eastern european great aunt are not the real directions. so now i had to smear butter cream. on top of jam. for the filling of the walnut cake. for christmas eve. that we would be eating in a few hours.
and we didn’t have a cake plate. we had a large dish.
i had to use my fingers. i had to use three spatulas. i got jam everywhere. but i did it. and as soon as i set the top cake on top of the filling i realized my monumental mistake: i was supposed to trim down the cakes.
so now they were uneven. and lopsided. and there was nothing i, a mere mortal tasked with the impossible task of making christmas eve walnut cake, could do about it.
so i continued to spread my frosting. which i had enough of. and tried and failed to not get jam everywhere.
in the end it was almost presentable. not great. slightly lopsided. and definitely not as nice as any of my great aunts cakes.
which left me with Trial Number 7: Chilling It
our fridge was being taken up by other important christmas eve things (though not as important as my cake. the walnut cake) so i had to put it in the car. which was fine because there is snow on the ground.
i covered my cake. the walnut cake. in tin foil and hoped i wouldn’t accidentally squish it. and then i went outside. i tried to steal my moms shoes to walk outside. she was not impressed.
“you know, saph,” she said. “some of the time you’re pretty great. the other half of the time you’re really weird.”
i could not agree more.
i put my cake on the trunk. prayed to the cake gods and went inside.
on the one hand if the cake is good, i will be stuck making walnut cake for christmas eve for the rest of my life. on the other hand, if it sucks i will never have to make another one.
Trial Number Eight: The Tasting still waits.
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