#mine: jinri

[married-2-the-music]

Tell Me What To Do; A Letter To Jonghyun

If you’ve ever stumbled across one of my posts before, you’ll probably know me as a (maybe somewhat harsh) reviewer, who will always take the chance to rhapsodize about harmonizing and complain about Dynamite. But that’s not what this is; I did write a review about JH’s work but this is different; I want to start off not with my “credentials” but with a story. I’ve been a casual k-pop fan since early 2019 through BLACKPINK and a deeper fan since March of the year after, when I discovered Red Velvet.

In late November of 2020, during lockdown, I lost one of the people I loved most in the world. I was still a teenager (barely younger than he was when he debuted in SHINee), and I felt alone and isolated in that grief. Just three weeks later, on December 18th, three years ago now, I was scrolling on social media when I came across posts memorializing Jonghyun. I had heard his name mentioned, through Yeri of Red Velvet, but had never taken the time to really listen, and I finally did.

It gives me no joy to say that I discovered that he had made a plan; his last album, Poet | Artist was released just a month after he chose to leave the world, a final gift to the fans who had watched him grow up for both so long and not nearly long enough. When I looked closer, I saw people mourning, people celebrating, and most of all, people remembering. The k-pop world had just lost two more idols to suicide, Sulli (Choi Jinri, of f(x)), and Hara (Goo Hara, of KARA), and the messages surrounding mental health had never been stronger. It was this that finally got through to me, like a lightbulb going off, and I went, “Shit. I think I have depression.”

Now, I’m not going to credit him with saving my life because I have no idea what would’ve happened, but to this day, it’s Jonghyun’s voice that sings “tell me what to do” on the 6:45 alarm reminding me to take my anti-depressants. To this day, it’s his music that I turn to when I need comfort. In his memory, I try to continue what he did for me. I take December 18th as a day to be just a little bit of a better person—a better sister, a better daughter, and a better friend both to others and to myself—as much as I possibly can.

Jonghyun’s discography is only five albums, less than three hours long. The mere fact of this makes me sad. I wish I could tell a story with a happier ending, one that I finish by saying that he’s still here, still on his 27th collection of wonderful stories, still teasing the hell out of the band members who loved him more than anything, still being a dork who brightens everyone’s day with the same humor that made me laugh for the first time in a month the first time I came across it.

But, no matter how good of a writer I think I am, I can’t do that. All I can do is what all of us can do, which is remember who he was, respect the art he created, and continue the great advocacy he started. In this, I’m trying to do all three.

I can’t really put into words the feelings I have about this. Writing it has reminded me how grateful I am, not only that I found Jonghyun and his story, not only that I became a Shawol, but that I became a k-pop fan in general. After finding SHINee, I became a fan of Gfriend, Girls Generation, Seventeen, (G)I-DLE, Stray Kids, Sunmi, and, of course, Dreamcatcher, whose music is now a part of me too.

I know that I’ve probably made this way more about me than it should’ve been, but I’d like to end by saying this: I know that k-pop (and being a fan of it) are seen as something to mock, something only done by insecure, screeching teenage girls with too much free time on their hands who are obsessed with random men they’ve never met. And maybe that is who I was in 2019.

But to me now, and so many other people I know, it is stories like mine that are the real reason why we choose to dedicate so much of our precious free time to something that so many people deem childish. I’m a linguistics major, and I can tell you firsthand that music is one of very few things that can break a language barrier and reach people across the world. Had Jonghyun’s not reached me, I don’t know where I’d be. But I wouldn’t be here, and I definitely wouldn’t be a linguistics major. As he wrote in his book, “Even though we can’t communicate using the same language, we use music instead.”

Jonghyun broke boundaries in k-pop, with his openness, his self-producing, his prolific writing, his advocacy, and, of course, his incredible kindness. Both our community and the world as a whole were very lucky to have him for as long as we did, which still wasn’t nearly long enough. He changed the lives of so many people—he changed mine, without me even knowing the word “K-pop” at the time he passed away—and overall, he made the world just a little easier for everybody else, no matter how hard it was for himself. Whenever I have my bad days, I listen to his music; I ask him to tell me what to do. And I make myself a promise: that whatever I do, I will never make the decision that he did.

Whether he’s out there and whether he’s listening or not, I’d just like to say thank you, Jonghyun, for changing my life. You did so, so, well, and, in an odd way, I’m incredibly proud of you and all you managed to accomplish despite the kind of pain you went through. I hope that, even though we never got the chance to meet, you would be proud of me too.

And thank you, for taking the time to read this. I hope that whoever you are and whatever Jonghyun means to you, you find a little comfort in the fact that you are not alone in it. However you want to grieve (or not grieve) is valid. If you’ve never heard of our wonderful singer before, take this as a sign to take ten minutes to learn something about a truly beautiful human.

And if you have, take this as a reminder to take your medication, get some sleep, and check in with your friends. Though Jonghyun thought that what he did was the only way out, he was wrong, because I’ve been there. I’m still there, sometimes. But take this as reassurance that it’ll get better. It might not be better tomorrow and it might not be better for a while. But it will get better.

Happy holidays, folks. Take care of yourselves out there. Tschüss and Fröhliche Weihnachten!

[lechir3]

I will always have love for TTBY. It's my comfort drama when exhaustion feels overwhelming and my mind needs a break from everything.

Of course, tears won’t escape my eyes because my beloved Jinri is in it. She’s happily smiling, giggling, singing, dancing… I miss my peach princess so much.

This drama reminds me so much of life—how sometimes we have to take risks, how life doesn’t always work in our favor, and how we strive for our dreams. I often gatekeep this drama, but sometimes I want others to know about it too.

How do you get back up after a fall? Are you ready to start again, or will you simply accept what life has given you?

And then, there’s love. Eun Geol, that silly, adorable second lead… He truly showed what unconditional love means—loving without expectations. He cared for Jae Hee, loving her even though he knew it would eventually break his heart. I’m honestly not in favor of this because he deserves so much more, yet I also know that he believed Jae Hee deserved his love and affection. It was a kind of love that didn’t consume, drain, or confuse.

He always hits me hard emotionally. He was the embodiment of, “I make you laugh, I do things for you, I would risk everything for you, but still, you are not mine.” Jae Hee, you lucky Rapunzel!

Now, let’s talk about Tae Joon—the leading man, the dream guy. Who wouldn’t love a man who knows where he stands? He can’t be swayed because he’s true to his words. He sticks to his decisions and takes full responsibility for them. I wouldn’t label him as nonchalant because I think he simply prefers to work in silence.

sulliyahhhh I miss you so muchhhhhh!!!!!

[myjinri]

luck has not been on jinri's side for the past few months. too many instances of the exact opposite of her wishes occurring for her to say otherwise. this whole aaes gala, or the week of hell in jinri's mind, was a prime example of that. her attendance required, which she had already accepted when she was informed of it on her schedule. the problem was the fact that the company had her here as long as possible. flying in on the eleventh and not returning home until the seventeenth. she envied those with shorter stays, because galas were not something that she particularly enjoyed. with aaes gala in particular, there are way too many celebrities in one place, meaning there were too many prying eyes and listening ears around for her to relax. it doesn't matter how long she has been or will be a public figure, this type of environment is not one she'd ever be fully comfortable in.

the idol just wants to escape the smothering feeling of dread that is the hotel, and was standing in the lobby, mindlessly scanning the room as she gained the energy to walk out with no plan. noticing an approaching figure, she prays to whatever deity is listening that whoever it is does not start a conversation with her. she is exhausted and wouldn't be able to stand another formal conversation. the prays fall on closed ears and her shoulders consequently tense as the new presence spoke to her. the thought of acting like she didn't hear the other and just walk away flashes, but the window for doing that without seeming like an asshole had already closed as there was now a short, awkward pause. her gaze flickers over to the uninvited company and her eyes lit up from recognition as she soon realizes the offending party was no threat to her peace.

she lets out a big sigh for dramatic effect, feigning annoyance as she finally turned her entire body towards the other. "you know, i was finally about to make the greatest escape into obscurity before you stopped me. for what? a conversation?" the small upturn of the corners of her lips betrayed her, showing no true sign of dissatisfaction. "kidding, you were right. considering exploring and seeing where the night takes me. scare the staff a little as well once they realize i disappeared again. stuff like that. nothing interesting really." there's a curious glint in her eyes as she continued her onslaught of words. "what's up? i'm sure i might be one of the more boring and predictable people you know of, so to ask me about what i'm doing... you had to have been painfully bored. or desperate... either way i don't mind, i was just wondering if you had plans already or came to steal mine because i might end up stealing yours if it's interesting."

open to anyone !

this is the worst part of the job. not the traveling, no; wandering is familiarity to him at this point and homesickness is only a constant ache for something he can't identify. it's the having to make appearances and talk to strangers, all while acting gracious and personable. he'd skip out on the whole thing entirely, but he's not always the first to be courted for galas and shoulder-rubbing, and when something as big as the aaes gala is up in the air, he has to accept it with a reluctant head nod and the promise to himself that it means he can turn down something else. but the gala's not something for him to worry about tonight. instead, he's pried himself from the semi-comfort of his hotel room as the sun sets and decided to make the best of an irritating occasion. his team's busy getting everything ready for the gala, but as it does far too often for the liking of his more anti-social tendencies, restless loneliness has set in. it's sheer need not to spend another night out on the town on his own that makes him approach the first person he recognizes in the hotel lobby as he waits for his rideshare to show in hopes he can find some company. he braces himself and launches into what could turn out to be an awful start to the night. "you thinking about heading out to see what bangkok's got to offer, too, or did you get lost on your way to the spa? honestly, i can't blame you either way."

[96plots]

🛏️ : our muses are forced by circumstance to share a bed for the night . - jinri&aecha

Oh, shit. Eu devia ter pensado sobre isso.

Quando Jinri contou para sua mãe que estava levando sua “namorada” para passar o feriado em casa junto com ela, a mãe tinha dito que iria arrumar o antigo quarto de Jinri para que elas ficassem lá. Na época, Jinri nem pensou muito sobre o que isso significava, mas agora quando se preparava para dormir percebeu que teria que dividir o quarto com Aecha. O quarto que tinha só uma cama.

Ela imaginava que seria estranho ir pedir um colchão extra para sua mãe, para que pudesse colocar no colchão do quarto. Teoricamente, ela e Aecha estavam juntas há vários meses. Dividir uma cama não seria um problema. Mas elas não estavam mais juntas. E ninguém ali sabia disso. 

“Ok... Eu... Olha, eu posso dormir no chão”, Jinri disse, antes que Aecha pudesse falar qualquer coisa. “Eu não vou pedir nenhum colchão para a minha mãe porque ela vai achar estranho. Além disso, acho que todos os colchões da casa estão ocupados por causa dos meus primos. Eu só tenho que, sei lá, colocar alguns cobertores e deve ficar confortável”. No momento em que disse isso, Jinri percebeu que seria uma má ideia. Ela não tinha tantos cobertores assim ali para que o chão ficasse confortável. “Ou então, a gente dorme na minha cama, mas... Não sei? Colocamos um travesseiro no meio? Isso é estranho?”. Ela deu um sorriso constrangido. “Me desculpe, eu devia ter prevido que algo assim iria acontecer quando te chamei para vir aqui. Você tem alguma sugestão?”.

[wonstals]

940329 ✦✧ HAPPY BIRTHDAY SULLI ♡ ↳ i wish you was still were here to celebrate your 27th birthday. each year that goes by we get a little sadder that you're gone, but we’ll always remember the strong, bright and amazing woman that you are. i really miss you. ♡

[brownuies]

that should be me.

[yienbot]

130728 || Sulli

[dazzlingkai]

“My name is Sulli. Sul means snow and Li means a pear flower so I’ll probably be reborn as a flower that is small but full of strong vitality” – Sulli / Choi Jinri

[lovelysulli]

15th: black and white 

[jaybnim]

[mcnlight]

Sulli covering the song written about her by IU.

lyrics:

“My eyes keep going to that white face Why don't I even get sick of you? When you slightly smile at me, I really go crazy How can you be so pretty baby? How can I explain this feeling? When I see you, my heart becomes numb and sore Oh, with what word can I explain you? All the words of the world is probably not enough With those legs that are so pretty by just standing still You walk toward me and you hug me You know he's so beautiful Maybe you will never know I want to hide you in my embrace I'm not saying this out of a young heart But I really want to marry you Oh, with what word can I explain you? All the words of the world is probably not enough With those legs that are so pretty by just standing still You walk toward me and you hug me Telling you multiple times is not enough With this tickling voice That only knows you I will sing for you My heart keeps going to you I'm really going crazy”

[waitingforminjae]

RC watches Film: I Am SMTown (2012, dir. Choi Jin-seong)

f(x) introduction

[parklunas]

It's time for niche edgy Sulli edits with metal ballad lyrics :))

[flyhigh-fx]

not me making a playlist of f(x) songs that literally nobody knows and pretending it’s f(x)’s 5th album so i can get some closure...........................

[96plots]

jinri & aecha

Send me a ship and i’ll tell you

Who said “I love you” first: Jinri (ela provavelmente quis falar isso na primeira semana de namoro delas, mas segurou um pouquinho).

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background: Jinri. Se bem que eu acho que a Aecha também é meio gadinho por ela e faria o mesmo, só não admitiria isso.

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror: Aecha.

Who buys the other cheesy gifts: Jinri. E seria não ironicamente também.

Who initiated the first kiss: Aecha. A Jinri queria que as coisas fossem no ritmo dela.

Who kisses the other awake in the morning: Jinri.

Who starts tickle fights: Jinri.

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower: Jinri.

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch: Aecha. Principalmente depois que a Jinri falou que às vezes ela entra num headspace de trabalho e esquece de tudo, incluindo almoçar, então quando a Aecha acha que ela tá fazendo isso, leva almoço.

Who was nervous and shy on the first date: As duas estavam um pouco.

Who kills/takes out the spiders: Aecha.

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk: Eu gosto de pensar que a Aecha faria isso kkkkkk até porque a Jinri não precisa estar bêbada para essas coisas.

[kry-krys]

Happy Sulli day!

#OurPeachSulliDay