#mind you susan loves the musical. she would not have let a team make a show if she felt it was inaccurate or poorly done

[spidernerdsblog]

Into You

I have a idea for a smutty story with Peter Parker :D maybe Y/N is a new Avenger, Peter see her at her "welcome" Party but they know each other from a few months ago where they had very great sex (maybe a few details in the story, both love hard sex. Peter is the dom :D). Y/N had a great night with all, the girls love her but peter is a bit shy because he doesn't know if she reminds him. So time after time they repeat the night (please mention it) and fell in love. That would be great haha thaaanks :)) maybe a bit Action, where Y/N looks great in her suit and Peter is surprised what she is able to

Requested by : @fabienneweasley

A/N : Reader's character is inspired by Susan Storm of the fantastic four she basically weilds the power of invisibility and creating forcefields. Hope you like this. Feedbacks and suggestions are always welcome.

Pairing : Peter Parker x Avenger! Reader

Warnings : 18+, SMUT, mature content, unprotected sex (not a wise choice to indulge), dom! peter, fwb -> lovers.

The Avengers are fighting against madame Hydra and her troops

"Parker! Status?" Tony's voice crackles through the intercom whilst Peter fights against a group of Hydra soldiers which seems to just keep on increasing in number.

"Uh Mr Stark things are getting a little crowded over here a little back up would be nice" Peter replies back struggling to keep up the fight as he successfully webs up a bunch of the soldiers. But to his surprise a whole new troop emerges from nowhere.

"Oh no! Karen activate instant kill!" Karen activates the instant kill mode but it still wasn't enough to tackle the whole army as Peter was soon outnumbered. One of the soldiers threw a gamma ray infused bomb which if detonated can be catastrophic to anyone who is hit by its radiation. The bomb detonates with a huge blast but to Peter’s surprise a forcefield forms around it containing the blast inside it, soon the forcefield disintegrates, sucking in the deadly radiation with it like a black hole sucks in everything into it.

"Woah! what the hell was that?!" Peter was awestruck at what just happened.

Suddenly a feminine figure appeared out of the thin air in front of Peter. She was wearing a blue suit which hugged her curves perfectly, hair cascading down her shoulders. And as she turned to face him Peter felt like he was hit by a truck, it was you. He stood there like a statue still processing what he was seeing.

"You're welcome by the way" you quipped, breaking him out of his daze.

"Who are you?" Peter asks though he knew very well who you're but seeing you like this was a huge shock to him.

"Y/N Y/L/N aka storm and you're the famous spiderman"

"Yeah I'm indeed" he chuckles nervously, he was grateful that he was wearing his mask so you couldn’t see his face. You were about to say something when you got interrupted.

"Great work, Y/N" Tony's voice buzzed.

"Thank you Mr Stark" you and Peter fought side by side forcing the Hydra to retreat accepting their defeat.

After the city clean up was done a welcome cum victory party was arranged for you in the evening at the compound. Peter was shuffling on his feet in anticipation of meeting you face to face. The huge spacious hall was feeling stuffy for him. Everyone was enjoying themselves as you walked in a shimmery electric blue number looking stunning as always hair styled into loose waves a dazzling smile adorned your face, eyes scanning through the crowd and momentarily you lock eyes with Peter from across the room but you were soon to look away as if you didn't recognize him.

Peter's mind was a mess, never did he imagine he would run into you again and in a circumstance like this. He had so much to say to you. But you acted so oblivious. Don't you remember him at all? Moreover he was feeling way too shy to approach you what if you actually don't remember him. Tony clinked his champagne glass to draw everyone's attention standing at the center of the room with you beside him

"Ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce you to our newest addition to the team’’ He introduced you ‘‘The very young and talented Y/N Y/L/N!" everyone clapped and cheered for you.

"Hello everyone honored to be a part of this incredible team and looking forward to working with you guys" For a fraction of second your eyes met Peter’s and memories rushed back in. You never expected to see him again not at a place like this. What is he even doing here?

"Y/N come let me introduce you to the rest of the team" Tony offered you happily followed him as he introduced you to Steve, Sam, Bucky, Rhodes, Dr Banner and then the other ladies of the team.

"Welcome to the circus girl" Natasha joked patting your shoulder "we girls always stick together, you'll love it here"

"Yeah and any problem feel free to come to us" Wanda insisted.

"Sure" you gave a broad smile as you engaged in a hearty conversation with them, your eyes occasionally fleeting towards Peter who was standing at a corner.

"Hey kid, why are you standing there all alone? Come here" Tony called out to him. Peter hesitantly made his way towards where you were standing as you watched him intently.

"And last but not the least my young and promising protégé, kid this is Y/N and Y/N this is-" you cut him off

"Peter" Peter looked at you wide eyed you indeed remember him.

"You know him?" Tony asks amused

"Yeah we met last year at Uni. I was an exchange student there before you know I got hit by some weird cosmic rays"

"Well then great! Peter can show you around won't you kid?"

"Yeah would love to Mr Stark" he smiled.

"Looking forward to working with you, Parker or may I say spiderman" you smirked with a playful glint in your eyes strutting past him to mingle with the other guests.

The summer of last year will always be memorable for you. Firstly because you accidentally got hit by cosmic radiation and got your powers and the epic one night stand that you will never forget. You were an exchange student for the Biophysics programme at the Empire State University though you actually never fitted the perfect description of a nerd because you were never a bookworm, very much outspoken, loved to go out and yet managed to score a perfect A during exams one could say you were the best of both worlds. You were a burst of energy in a classroom full of a bunch of nerds and none of them interest you. But in that classroom full of geeks one particular brunette in glasses caught your eyes. The cute awkward guy of the class Peter Parker. He had this boyish charm that you tried but couldn’t resist. You have often caught him stealing glances at you but every time he used to turn away flustered.

Peter himself couldn't deny the fact that he was attracted to you since the day you walked into the class, you were beautiful as well as witty but he knew it very well that you were out of his league and then you started to hang out with Harry Osborn and he started dating Gwen so nothing really happened between you two. And since none of you took the initiative to make a move both of you continued to secretly have a crush on each other though it was just a matter of time.

The club was crazy packed. It was a Friday night so you weren’t exactly sure why it surprised you. You were standing near the bar deciding your drink for tonight when your eyes caught a rather unusual visitor, Peter Parker. He was sulking at the corner of the counter looking a bit tired. You ordered two drinks and took them in your hands making your way towards him. You slid a glass to him, breaking him from his thoughts as he looked up to you.

"Rough day?" you ask nonchalantly. He smiles letting out a long sigh.

"Is it that obvious?" you chuckle lightly.

"Oh no, just never took you as a club going person"

"Well you’re kind of right, I was actually thinking of getting out of here"

"So where's blondie?" you ask while taking a sip of your drink.

"Uh we're taking a break" He answers nervously.

"Oh I see" you "Then let’s drink to that" you raised his glass in front of him

"No it’s fine, I’m not a drinker actually"

"C'mon for one night, now drink up" you insisted. He gulped down the drink, slightly wincing at the burning taste down his throat.

"Let’s go" you grabbed his hand pulling him off his seat.

"Where?"

"To dance! We are in a club Peter" You exclaim.

"I-I can't dance" He stutters nervously.

"Rubbish! Everyone can dance" you dragged him with you. Peter stood in the middle of the dancefloor feeling a little uncomfortable as well as nervous after all he had a crush on you and the last thing he wants is to disappoint you. He watched you intently as you swayed to the music. You took his hands and placed them on your hips placing your own around his neck making him sway with you. He slowly began to loosen up and dance with you enjoying the vibe. After sometime you went to have a couple of shots together and you were nevertheless drunk.

"So you and Harry, huh?" Peter asked, downing another shot.

"Nah we're just messing around" you shrug

"So no one in our class interests you either?"

"Good boys aren't my type. I mean they're real softies and that's cute" you scrunch your nose "But I prefer a little hardcore" You gave a subtle wink.

"Maybe you're wrong to judge just by the looks"

"Well I would be happy if you prove me otherwise" You practically challenged him.

"With all my pleasure if you want" he smirks. His eyes had a mischievous glint that you have never seen before. Things escalated pretty quickly as you found yourself back in your apartment in your bedroom. Your back arched up, face buried in the pillows as Peter took you from the back.

"Fuck!" Your grip tightened on the sheets as he rammed into your throbbing cunt. His grip tight on your ass, as he pulls you back to meet with his thrusts. Your elbows felt weak nearly in the state of giving out as you jolted forward everytime he snapped his hips going deep inside you hitting your sweet spot. He places a slap on your ass as you yelp in shock. You couldn't think straight the only thing you could focus on how well he was fucking you.

His hand goes to grab your hair pulling you back, flush against his strong and sturdy chest.

"You like it don't you? To be fucked hard like the slut you’re" he growled pressing his lips roughly to yours swallowing your moans one hand snaking down to rub your sensitive bud as he fucks you hard and fast. You felt delirious as you felt the knot build inside you. You screamed out his name as your orgasm washed over he was quick to follow suit.

Though it was a one night thing but it was worth it. After that night he had truly left you wondering how a nerd like him was so fit and strong and now you know why and if you had to put it quite plainly you were properly railed by spiderman last summer.

..........

"Sparring with you on my first day is it really necessary?" you quip

"You need to start from day one now C'mon give me your best shot" Nat stood defensively as you lunged towards her throwing a punch that she dodged without any effort before tripping you and causing you to fall on the ground. You groan in pain before pulling yourself back on your feet.

"Ow! that hurt"

"You really need to build up your lower body strength, start with some leg exercise today, do squats 3 sets 10 reps"

"Yes mam"

Peter was sparring with Sam, the moment you walked in that sports bra and skin tight pants he knew he was gone, his eyes frequently drifting away to you as he watched you work out squatting in those skin tight yoga pants which just perfectly defined your plump round ass.

"Yo Parker! Eyes here"

"Yeah, yeah sorry" Peter stutters as he feels his face heating up.

After you finished your set of workout you went to grab your water bottle. Peter's eyes were transfixed on you the whole time as he noticed a little bit of the water drizzled down the corner of your mouth trailing down to your chest just between your perfect cleavage. The only thing he could think of right now was to rip that sports bra off you and suck on to those perfect tits. You noticed your secret admirer through the glass as you sent a playful wink his way. Peter choked on his spit, turning away flustered as if a deer caught in the headlights. You turned around lazily walking towards him.

"You know I'm not a psychic so if you got something to say just say instead of staring at me like a creep" you quip.

"Wha-what do I have to say to you?" He stutters.

"I don't know, maybe hey how are you? It's been a long time" you half shrug.

"Uhh…''

"OK my bad" you turn to leave Peter scrunches his face at how stupid it was of him.

''Umm Y/N!" he called you as you turned to face him again.

"Yeah?"

"It's good to see you again"

"Good to see you too Parker" you smiled.

A few days went by like this, both stealing glances at each other from time to time when you were present in the same room or during your missions a lot of unspoken words and emotions bubbling inside of you trying to come out. Peter couldn’t help but admire this new and powerful you. He never got the chance to talk to you after that night because you just vanished from his life and now he knows why.

..........

A new threat arrived from madame Hydra again when she seized the cube and shielded it in a dome of lethal gamma radiation. The team had already sorted out a plan to defeat her malicious plans and you were to play a big part in it.

"May I come in?" You knocked at Peter’s door. He was busy on his computer as he turned to see you outside his room.

"Huh,yea-yeah sure" He says nervously. You smiled in return and walked into his room, eyes looking around.  

"Umm so Tony asked me to discuss with you the plan of how we are going to execute the whole infiltration thing to retrieve the cube which is shielded with gamma radiation’’ you showed him a holographic structure of the dome. ‘‘Anybody entering the dome will become an abomination. So you guys will distract them and I in the meantime will disintegrate the gamma dome so you can retrieve the cube" You looked up from the hologram to find Peter staring at you intently.

"What? Is anything wrong?"

"No-no, it’s absolutely fine" Peter fumbles

"Then what is it?"

"Jus-just still can’t believe that you are here and-and-"

"have super powers just like you which by the way was shocking for me too given that we knew each other for a while" You snicker, Peter smiles shaking his head.

"So how did this all happen?"

"Well a little misadventure with the quantum tunnel in the lab I got exposed to its energy and ta da! Now I make force fields as well as can go invisible"

"But now you can save the world"

"Yeah that's true" you chuckle "So how's blondie?" Peter stiffens at your question.

"Don't know, haven't been in contact for a while" He shrugs.

"Why what happened?"

"There were some differences so we parted ways"

"Oh I'm sorry" you place a hand on his gently

"Don't be" he smiles, eyes soft, gazing at you longingly as you gazed in his eyes too for how long you didn't know before you shook yourself from the daze clearing your throat.

"Uh I think I should go to my room now"

"Yeah-yeah sure" He stutters.

The tension between you was thickening at each passing day and soon it reached its breaking point. The other team members were out on a mission in which you weren’t required so you were now in the kitchen leaning on the counter with a nutella jar in your hand and a spoon in your mouth savoring on the delicacy when Peter walked in unannounced making you jump in fright.

"Oh god!" you gasped, surprising him even.

"Woah! relax it's just me"

"I thought you were Nat, jeez" you blew out your cheeks as he chuckles.

"Please don't tell her I'm not allowed to have this as per her new diet plan"

"My lips are sealed" He assures you with a playful smile as he goes to open the fridge and takes out the juice carton to drink. You poked your finger to swipe the nutella from the edges of the jar as you lick on to your fingers. Peter was following each and every movement of yours the way your eyes fluttered closed whilst you licked and sucked your fingers clean. He gulped as he felt heat rising in his body at your teasing gestures. Your fingers fell short to scoop the leftover at the bottom of the jar as you huffed in defeat. Peter stood in front of you as he gave out his hand

"May I?" You gave him the jar his long slender fingers easily reached the bottom of the jar as he scooped the cream on his two fingers and brought it to your lips. You stick out your tongue giving a kitten lick before wrapping your lips around his fingers. You hummed sucking his fingers a little deeper as you looked at him with big doe eyes. Peter groaned feeling himself harden at the mere sight of you sucking his fingers, a little moan escaped from your own mouth as you continued sucking, swirling your tongue around his fingers coating them with your saliva. You release his fingers with a pop, a trail of your saliva connecting your lips with his fingers.

He swiped his thumb on your plump lower lip eyes flickering between your eyes and lips. Your vision was clouded with lust and so was his as his lips came down to brush against yours. Both of you were breathing heavily as you grabbed his face and sealed your lips together. He slipped his tongue in your mouth, prying it open exploring it. Your hands go to grab on to his soft curls making him groan into the kiss. His hands trail down to your ass giving it a light squeeze through your shorts

"Oh missed this so much" He gasped, pulling away for some air.

"Does Mr Stark know that his young protégé isn't that innocent he looks like?" You bite your lip as one hand goes to palm his growing bulge through his sweatpants. He grips on to your wrist a cocky grin forming on his face.

"Maybe you need a little reminder of whose name you were screaming last summer"

"Then remind me Parker" your voice is challenging yet sultry. His eyes darkened as he threw you over his shoulder like a sack of potato and carried you to his room. He dropped you on the mattress whilst climbing on top of you whilst taking of his tshirt revealing his toned torso. You ran your hands through his muscular chest encircling them around his neck as you pulled him down, your lips meeting fervently as he grinded his hips to your clothed core.

"Mmmph Peter" you pull away after sometime

"What? Is something wrong?" He asks with concern in his eyes.

"No just lock the door, don't want others to come back and know about us do you?"

"Oh, yeah OK" he went to lock the door when a mischievous idea crossed your mind. You quickly stripped out of your clothes and got off the bed. Peter turned to see your clothes lying on the floor with no sign of you in the room.

"Y/N this is not funny!" He whined as your giggles could be heard in the room.

"Find me if you can spider boy" you giggled. Peter smirked accepting your challenge as he closed his eyes and focused his senses. He was able to hear you breathing and he swiftly moved to the direction pinning you against the wall. You squeal as your whole body slowly becomes visible to Peter.

"Gotcha!" he says pining both of your wrists against the wall.

"I’ll give you that spider boy" you smirk as you went to hold on to his face but were unable to move your hands when you noticed he had webbed your wrists to the wall.

"Parker!" You glared at him.

"Who's laughing now?" he chuckles as he brushes lips on the sensitive spot behind your ears making you shudder. He parts your legs placing his knee between them whilst he drags his lips down the column of your neck to your collar bones as you whimper at his touch. He trails further down to your exposed tits attacking your soft mounds with wet kisses before latching on to your hardened bud, rolling the other with his nimble fingers. He sucked and nipped on it as you moaned loudly. He pulled away gasping eyes dripping with lust as he went to kiss you passionately meanwhile his fingers brushed against your wet heat as you arch into his touch, making him smirk as he dips a finger and brings it to his mouth.

"Mmm tastes perfect just as I remember" He sucks his finger before continuing his journey further south slowly kneeling down. He hitches your leg over his shoulder as he looks at your soaking cunt hungrily. Two of his fingers spreads your slick folds as he licks a bold stripe drawing a loud moan out of you.

"Oh fuck!" he smirks before his thin lips wrap around your sensitive bud as he dips a finger inside your heat. He thrusted in and out of you with a steady pace swirling his tongue exploring more of your pussy. He added another digit pumping them in and out of your core as you squirmed above him. One of his hands held your thigh, keeping you in place. You wanted to touch him, tug on to his hair so badly as you struggled to free yourself from the restraints biting your lips hard as jolts of pleasure coursed through your body.

You felt a tight knot building inside you and as you were about to tip over the edge to your shock he pulled away.

"What the hell Peter!" you snapped at him with frustration at your ruined orgasm.

"With that attitude did you think I would let you cum?" He chuckles darkly, you whined in anguish and desperation as you rubbed your thighs to get yourself some relief. He stands up face glistening with your arousal, his hand reaches to cup your face.

"What happened pretty girl? You want to cum?"

"Yes please Peter" you gave him your best puppy eyes.

"Such a needy little thing aren't you?" He chuckles seeing you at his mercy.

"Only for you Peter"

"Well if you be a good girl maybe I’ll let you cum on my cock" saying so he quickly got rid of his sweatpants and boxers and lined himself to your dripping entrance. He kisses you roughly before slowly sliding inside you, stretching your walls deliciously.

"Ungh shit so tight!" He grunts lifting you up from the floor with his strong arms as you lock your ankles around his waist pulling him closer to you. He begins to pound into you making you see stars hitting your spot every time he bottomed out.

"Oh feels so good Peter" you moan.

"I know baby. You feel so snug and warm around me, so perfect, my beautiful angel" he showered praises whilst sucking the nape of your neck marking you up.

"Peter please let me touch you!" you begged him desperately. He finally complied to your request as his hand went up to your wrists and ripped off the webs. Once free your hands greedily go to grab on to his face and kiss him hungrily while he keeps on with his punishing pace.

He halts for a moment still inside you as he pulls you away from the wall and carries you to the bed and lays you down gently with him on top of you. He draws back his hips and slams back right in picking up the pace from where he just left.

"Peter…" you breathed out as you felt the knot growing inside you.

"Yes baby, you going to cum? I can feel you squeezing me real hard" Your back arched when he brought his thumb to your clit drawing tight circles around it coaxing you to fall over the edge. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you gripped on to his biceps nails digging into his skin. You were a moaning mess by now, the fire burning in the pit of your stomach made you feel like you would combust any minute

"That's it baby, give it to me" Peter encouraged you.

Your body convulsed as your orgasm came crashing down on you. Peter continued with his thrusts fucking you through your high as he chased his own. His movements grew sloppier and with a few more labored thrusts you felt him twitch as he came inside you his warm release coating your pulsating walls. Your body trembled with the aftershocks as Peter collapsed on top of you panting head buried in the crook of your neck as you both gasped for air completely exhausted. He pulled out after sometime, placing a gentle kiss on your shoulder he rolled over to your side. Peter gazed at your figure as he watched your bare chest rise up and down when his eyes went to the bruises on your skin courtesy of him as concern clouded his face.

"You okay?" he asks, rubbing soothing circles on the bruised areas. You turned to him gazing into his soft brown eyes.

"I'm more than okay" you breathed out smiling with content.

Though you thought once this sexual tension between you subsidized you would be able to think clearly. But you were wrong as now you couldn't keep your hands off each other for a second. From lingering teasing touches to sneaking away from the eyes of the senior avengers in the lab or a quickie while on the quinjet during a mission. You had become addicted to each other making you come back for more after each time. Still you guys never acknowledged the course of your relationship. It scared you both what if the other didn’t feel the same way so you were content with this current arrangement of yours.

"Oh shit we’re late!" you shrieked checking the time as you turned to meet with a sleeping Peter you took your time to admire him. He looks so sweet and peaceful you really wished you could wake up to this sight everyday. You nudged Peter to wake him from his sleep.

"Peter! Peter, wake up!"

"Ungh what is it?" he groaned pulling the covers over him.

"We are late for our training" he forced his eyes open

"Huh what? What’s the time?"

"It’s ten past seven already"

"Oh shit! Cap's gonna kill me" Peter hurries out of the bed stumbling as he got tangled in the bed sheets before running to the bathroom. You laugh at his antics as you sneaked out of his room to go back to your room.

You were busy sweating it out in the gym after getting an earful from both Cap and Nat for your lack of punctuality you heard Bucky saying

"Hey queens what's with all these red marks on your neck?" you swallowed hard as Peter’s eyes bulged out in fear of getting caught.

"Umm nothing-nothing it-it was a cat, that-that I saved yesterday" he spluttered. "that darn cat, heh" he chuckles nervously.

"Wait let me see" Sam joins in too "Looks like some really big cat" he laughs

"Seems like the kid here is getting some, who is this unlucky girl who fell for you" Bucky teased

"Shut up man! It's nothing like that" Peter shoved him with his elbow.

"Oh c'mon leave my young adult alone he's way too innocent for this" Tony intervened meanwhile heat rose to your face listening to their conversation. Natasha noticed you standing all flustered.

"So is something going on between you two?" she asks you directly

"Between who?" you frowned at her question.

"You and Peter"

"Nothing! we're just good friends" you shrug "He's not even my type" you clarified totally flustered with the whole ordeal. Natasha decided to let you go though she was still suspicious with you two.

.........

You were at the Hydra base the other avengers were busy fighting their whole army making it easier for you to reach the shielded dome. Tony and Banner had devised a plan to blast the shield off which will release a tremendous amount of energy that you will contain inside your forcefield. And as per the plan Tony blasted off the dome you created a forcefield immediately shielding everyone Peter noticed the discomfort you were facing to hold it.

"Y/N no! It's dangerous for you don't force yourself" concern laced in his voice

"I can do it, trust me" You gave all of your strength you had in your body creating a massive forcefield to contain the radiation from the blast but it was true you never did this on such a large scale and it was taking a toll on you. Your ears and nose started to bleed. Peter noticed that as he grabs you by your shoulders and tries to stop you from using more of your powers.

"Y/N stop it, you're getting weak" he was scared of losing you.

"No I can do this!" You assured him as you managed to diffuse the radiation inside the field, finally letting go. Your body was completely drained out, your vision blurring out as you collapsed unconscious.

"Y/N!" Peter was quick to catch you. You were immediately rushed to the med bay in the compound. Banner checked your vitals and everyone was relieved that you were fine but you needed a long bed rest to recover.

You woke up after how long you don't know but your body felt rejuvenated. You sit up to find Peter sitting beside you dozing in his sleep. Your slight movement woke him up.

"Oh Y/N! thank god you're finally awake" he sprung up to his feet "How are you feeling?"

"Refreshed to be honest"

"Never ever do something like that again or I swear I'll web your hands" he scolds you

"Hey it's okay, I'm OK. Come sit beside me" he sat beside you as you looped your fingers to his "See? I'm absolutely fine"

"You know how scared I was? You have been unconscious for twelve hours"

"You don't need to be so worried about me Pete"

"Yes I have to because-because.." he fumbled

"Because what Peter?"

"Because I love you Y/N!"

"What?" you couldn't believe your ears.

"Yes Y/N I love you and if anything happens to you I will be not able to forgive myself ever"

"Peter… " you cupped his face.

"I know you never had feelings for me but this the truth I love you…"

"Hey who said I never felt anything for you? You were all I could think of since last summer"

"For real?" Peter was finding it hard to believe that you actually liked him too.

"Yes you idiot, I love you too!" You pressed your lips to his. It was all soft and gentle at the beginning which pretty soon escalated into a more passionate one with teeth and tongue involved in it you got on his lap as his hands kneaded the soft skin of your ass.

"Hey Y/N! We heard you are awake-"  all the older avengers were stunned at the scene in front of them as you jumped away from each other in embarrassment. Steve was shaking his head in dismissal, Sam and Bucky had a huge grin plastered on their face while Tony was utterly shocked and amused. Nat was the first to speak up.

"Umm you seem to be doing quite well, we'll leave you two alone" she says clearing her throat.

"Aww I'm so happy for guys!" Wanda chirped before Nat dragged her away.

"Be safe kid" Tony added before leaving, adding more to your embarrassment. After everyone left you were the first one to speak up

"So how long have you been into me?"

"Since forever my love" he smirks tackling you down on your back, you squeal as he smothers you with kisses.

.....................................................................

Requests are open.

Taglist : @peaches-parker​ @hollanddolanfangirl​ @starcoadrienette2​ @spideyth​ ​ @allthisfortommy​ @thenoddingbunny-blog​​ @larrystylinson-sus​ @bloodyscarlet​ @itstaskeen​ @dummiesshort​ @tutuabby28​ @dramaholic18​ @thehumanistsdiary​ @majo240820​ @lokibuckylove6​ @sarcasticallywitty15​ @parkerpeterparker2004

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

Open Me Carefully

summary: spencer reid and reader are best friends, but don’t realize that they both love each other. 

author’s note: crappy summary, but this one is loosely based on gold rush 

warnings: none

Open Me Carefully 

Maybe it’s the fact that I have a propensity to keep rereading historical romances, or maybe it’s the fact that I just listen to “Lover” way too much for a single person. Or maybe, I’m actually in love with him, my best friend and the only person in this world who I think truly knows me. 

I mean, how could I not be completely in love with him. Spencer Reid is the closest thing to perfection. He is kind, brilliant, and unbelievably handsome. It almost hurts me how wonderful he is. But daydreaming about Spencer’s hair falling in his eyes, or his hands grazing across the map spread out on the table, or even his wide smile that slips out when he lets his guard down is not productive to solving crimes. 

Unsubs, Y/N. Unsubs. Stop thinking about his hands. And start focusing. 

“Y/N/L!” Calls Hotch from across the room. He’s assigned me to locate the birth mother of the potential unsub. He was given up for adoption as an infant, but bounced around from foster home to foster home, never finding a home, and now obsessed with finding his roots. 

“Yes, sir, here’s the name from Garcia. Susan Lee gave up her baby for adoption in 1981, she was a just 16 years old, so that would make her-”

“44 years old” Spencer injected. 

Hotch gave me a short nod of approval and I cocked my head towards Spencer’s direction, who tried to pull off an innocent look. 

“It’s math, Y/N. I can’t help myself,” he explains. 

“It’s fine, Spence. Math is like your religion,” I tell him, but what I’m really thinking is it’s you, Spence, and you can get away with anything with me. 

“Math, in its purest form, is a beauty known nowhere else” he remarks. 

“Who’s that Nietzsche?” I ask him as he beams down at me, twirling a blue permanent mark between his very distracting fingers. 

“No, Spencer Reid.” he says as he turns back to the map on the table before us.

Just as I give myself the smallest bit of a second to enjoy the playful banter that falls between us, JJ and Emily come walking in, leading a gruff looking detective with them. 

“We think we know where Jacob is hiding out,” JJ starts with a grim look on her face. Emily and the detective walk past her to where Hotch and Derek explain the profile to the SWAT team waiting by. 

“His old orphanage, right?” Spencer asks looking up from the map.

“Yeah, and we think he’s going to hold some of the other children hostage,” JJ tells us. 

“We need to get there, JJ. But isn't it his mother he wants, not the other children. You’d think that with the profile we came up with, it would make more sense for him to want to save the children, not hold them hostage?” I reason.

“You’re right, Y/N,” Spencer says, coming to a dark realization “he thinks that he’s saving them. He’s Angel of Death” he finishes grimly. 

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Sitting quietly in the jet after the chaos of de-escalating a hostage situation is a calm like no other. We all have routines for the ride home. A quiet ritual that we take the time to be thankful that we’re all here, in one piece, having made the world slightly more safe. 

JJ, ever diligent, will work on paper with Hotch. Rossi will usually keep Hotch from overworking with a small, light conversation. 

Emily spreads out on the couch, and the rest of us pretend to not see JJ glance over at her as she looks at Emily with eyes that crave her attention.  

Derek will listen to music and I’ll close my eyes and strain my ears to make out the muffled tunes that escape his ears. I sit across from Derek and will share snacks that we grabbed from a dingy convenience store on the way to the tarmac. 

Spencer, who always sits next to me, will usually write his mother a letter. He writes her a letter on every plane ride after a case. I think back to the time that I asked him why he prefers letters to phone calls. He told me that he finds letters a forever way to say ‘I love you’. Taking your love and turning it into pen and paper makes it tangible, is what he told me. Until that day, I never really pegged Spencer to be a poet, but he continues to amaze me everyday. 

I think that he can feel me staring at him, because he suddenly stops writing and his eyes look up to meet mine. 

“She’s not doing so well, Y/N” Spencer says, his voice but a whisper above the hum of the jet and music spilling from Morgan’s headset. 

“Your mom?” I ask, my voice matching his. 

Spencer, for perhaps the first time I’ve known him, is quietly defeated.

“All I ever wanted to do was to save her, Y/N. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing everything I should be. I thought that by the time I was 30 I would have cured schizophrenia. It’s just that sometimes I feel like maybe I settled” 

“Well, you know we really don’t hear about child genius when they are adults. And you have the same job and me, and I’m not where near as smart as you. So you feel like you’re letting the world down or even worse— yourself”

“You might not have the IQ points on a piece of paper, but you are nothing short of brilliant” Spencer says looking at me directly in my eyes. I hold his gaze for maybe a second and look down towards my lap in disbelief. 

“Spence,” I say. “You have to say that, otherwise I’d stop making you chocolate donuts.”

“I don’t need your donuts to convince me that you are an amazing agent. I mean,” He pauses and holds my stare again. 

“You’re so kind it hurts me sometimes. And watching you those kids today, you’d be a great mom, Y/N. You make everyone feel so comfortable just being around you, and I’d give up all the chocolate donuts and IQ points and bottomless coffee if it meant you’d stay in my life,” Spencer says looking at me. I rest my hand over his and we sit there in the silence and comfort of the other. 

Spencer Reid is a man of many hats. But I think his way with words just may be my favorite. I don’t dare to respond to him. I don’t trust myself not to kiss his pink lips as he looks at me like he loves me. I don’t trust myself to not tell him all the wonderful and sinful things I think about him. I don’t trust myself to not tell him how I was watching him play with those orphans back at the police station.

“What’s a best friend for, Spence?” I say to him. 

“Besides, ’d want nothing more than to be a mom one day,” I tell him.  We never really talked about our futures. Maybe it was the nature of our jobs. Having a lethal job means that the future is more of an arbitrary idea than a definite possibility.

“But,” I start. “I'm twenty-seven years old, I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents and I'm frightened” I quote with a smirk on my face that covers my trepidation at talking about love and children and the future with Spencer. 

“I’d never think that you’d be one to settle for a Mr. Collins, Y/N” Spencer tells me, a similar look on his face mirrors my own. “If anything, you’re a Lizzie and you deserve a Mr. Darcy” 

“You really think that Spence, because I’m not too sure.” 

“You never know, Y/N your Mr. Darcy can be anyone. Statistically speaking, you may have already met him or have mutual friends or he may even work in the Bureau. 

Sometimes I think that luck and fate are mocking me. Dangling Spencer in front of me; so real yet so far that I’m jumping to remain close to him. Touching his hand to mine feels like I’m teasing myself, just getting a taste of how his warm, strong hands fit into mine is enough to set my heart on fire. 

I let go of his hand and my palm is cold and lonely without his touching. My heart cools but there’s a yearning for him that’s so strong it’s like a magnetic field pulling me in. 

“I’m going to get a cup of coffee, would you like some?” He asks me as he scoots out of the seat.

“I’ll take a green tea, coffee this late makes me anxious” And sitting here holding your hand talking about children and my Mr Darcy makes me even more anxious. 

“Coming right up,” he says with a sad smile on his face that I try to convince myself is because of his mother’s illness and not because I dropped his hand.

Spencer returns to his spot beside me, sipping his coffee and making small notes in his letter. There’s a chill between us that can’t be quelled by even the hottest cup of tea. Spencer doesn’t talk to me again and even though it’s just a couple more hours, I miss his voice.

I have a routine for when I come home after cases, but that routine has been thrown out the window when I watched Spencer walk out of the bullpen without as much as a wave goodbye. We usually go to my apartment and make dinner together. My trip home is a lot more lonely without Spencer by my side. I try to stop my thoughts from going to him, but it’s impossible when he’s all I can think about. 

My apartment is dark and quiet when I walk in. It was left in shambles, with clothes and books strewn all over the couch, desk and floor. I can’t even bother myself to care about the dirty dishes stacked in the sink. I convince myself that those dishes are a tomorrow problem. 

I take out a small container of leftover fried rice and vegetables and pop into the microwave. Making my way into my bedroom I change out of my work clothes, that I’ve been in for nearly 30 hours. I don’t really think about what I’m putting on, as long as it does not smell it works with me at this point. 

My microwave dings, altering me that my mediocre meal is finished. But, before I can even reach the kitchen a small envelope slips through my door and falls on the floor. A sudden rush of fear courses through me. I flit my eyes to the corner safe where my gun rests. In my mind, I try to calculate the risk of punching the code or if I should just find out who is behind my door. I guess curiosity wins out, because I’m walking towards the door where the mysterious envelope sits. 

I reach down and instantly recognize the handwriting as Spencer’s. I can feel my heart pumping blood through my bodying as I think that some sadistic unsub is trying to toy with me by hurting Spencer.

I was not prepared for what I read. My fingers grazed over the messy penmanship. I don’t even let my mind wander as I pour over the words on the page, still fearing for the worse

Dear Y/N, 

Part of me can’t believe that I’m actually doing this. But something that you mentioned on the plane sparked something in me. You’re not a Charlotte, or a Lizzie or even a Jane, even though you are the kindest and most beautiful person I know. 

You are a Y/N. And I am wishing for anything to be your Mr. Darcy. Thinking about you, Y/N gets me thinking about love. How much I love when you look at me across from the table, or how your soft hands will brush against mine. It reminds me that I’m alive. Your gaze makes me blush and those small brushes make me forget to breathe. In your eyes I can see my future— our future. In your smile I can taste happiness. When I am with you the world moves in slow motion and time seems to move too fast. 

I hope that this does not ruin things, Y/N. I could not bear to lose you. I hope that you won’t hate me but even if you do, I’d rather you hate me and be in your life than not be in your life.

I think of love, and you, and my heart grows full and warm, and my breath stands still

Forever yours, 

Spencer

I read the letter silently. Not sure if I can believe it, but I so desperately want to. I throw all sense to the wind when I fling the door open, my eyes hunting for Spencer. He sits on the steps leading up to the next level, fiddling with his shoe laces. I run over to where he sits, not caring that my neighbors might be looking or caring that I look like I’m about to mug him. 

He makes me, cautious girl, a rebel. 

“Hey, you,” I say approaching him. Spencer moves to stand up and I reach out to hold his hands in mine. Like a puzzle piece they hit perfectly. His hands are not too warm or clammy or too cold and boney. They’re perfect. He hesitates and rubs his thumb against the back of my palm, like he does on the plane. 

“Hi, Y/N.” He starts nervously. “I guess you got the letter, and I just want to tell you-”

“What letter, Spence?” I say. I can’t help but to tease him. His face turns pale and green in the same breath. 

“Uh-um, you didn’t just get something in your mail a couple minutes ago?” He asks me so nervously that I almost feel bad at teasing him. Almost, he’s kind of cute when he’s stumbling over his words and I like to be one that makes him this fluttery. 

“I got your letter, Spencer,” I tell him. I think he half expects me to drop his hand and shatter his heart then and there. Maybe he came here and prepared himself for the worse. I think he’s done that his whole life, believing that he doesn’t deserve a chance at happiness. I’m kind of inclined to give him that happiness when it’s so intricately tied to mine. 

“You did?” 

“Yeah, who knew that you were quite the poet, Spencer.” I tell him as I brush his hair from his eyes. It’s gotten so long, but I like it. I’ve dreamt about threading my fingers threw it many times. It’s so soft and brown and frames his face. 

“You deserve a poet, Y/N. And I could only dream of being that person for you.” He says. Against even his own wishes he leans in closer to my touch. His cheek is warm in my palm and I feel his long eyelashes flutter against the ball of my thumb. 

“Luckily for you, Spence, I like scientists.” I say to him. 

“You--” 

“I love you back, Spencer.” I move to wipe the tears that flood down the bridge of his nose. 

“It was a really beautiful letter that you wrote, Spencer. All the right things in there, Emily Dickinson and Mr. Darcy,” I tell him pressing my cheek into his chest. 

“Well, I had to win you over, Y/N” 

“Ha!, Spencer you’ve had me since I’ve met you” 

He looks at me with a veil of disbelief. 

“Spencer Reid, in his purest form, is a beauty known nowhere else” 

“Is that what you think of me?” He asks me. 

“Why don’t you come inside and let me show you what I think of you Spencer?” I say leading him inside to my apartment, that was no longer so dark and lonely. 

[project-paranoia]

Live Watch: S.C.I. Mystery Episode One

I enjoy camp because I've always enjoyed analysis and examination.  I enjoy looking at something from all sides, testing it with my fingertips. When I was a child I would sit for hours just looking at something until I had it all held in my mind and I felt like I understood it.  Camp necessitates that understanding the way that imitation and - good - parody requires it.  To quote Susan Sontag - who articulated what camp is so well - Camp is "a sensibility that revels in artifice, stylisation, theatricalisation, irony, playfulness, and exaggeration rather than content."  Because of this camp takes on head to head gender, sexuality, expectations, any sort of defined norm and sequins it up then shakes it down until understanding comes out.  When understanding something there are three major ways to work your investigation - what it is, what it's imitation is - the close but not quite, and what it isn't.  Camp handles all three, to quote again: "Camp sees everything in quotation marks. It's not a lamp, but a 'lamp; not a woman, but a 'woman.'"

Why are we talking about camp?  Because SCI Mystery is some of the best kind of camp outside of drag or screaming about wire hangers.  It deals a lot with mental illness in a way that would destroy a serious show, but in this one "mental illness" is a metaphor for being marginalised and a way to talk about the mouse and cat in the room.  This show is about being queer.  About being gay loudly and quietly, about resisting specific labels and needing them, about the threat of a cure and the blessing of acceptance.  All the messy realities of queer life as varied as queer people. Like Lil Nas X's Montero, you can appreciate the effort without being comfortable with it. While the show's allegory of mental illness when many queer people are still told they are ill is done well and there is reason to the choices and tone, things are said which can be hard to hear.  Knowing they're there because they're hard to hear and have been heard doesn't help everyone.

With all that said, it's also a fun, silly bl drama.  Don't let the analysis scare you off.  While the information about camp can be something to be aware of, all this show requires to be enjoyed is a willingness to be amused and spooked in turns.

You know the drill, spoilers below!

* I have memorised the youku sound, I have a triggered response with it. Not all triggers are bad, this one reminds me of Guardian

* Welcome to episode one where we just leap in!  But don't worry, one of them has a cute earring and they are colour coordinated.

* Watching from youtube the episode is 38 minutes long while most of the others are 45.  Attach whatever emotion you want to that fact.

* The exposition is handily delivered by asking a question which tells us some things, thank you show, I appreciate it

* First episode and he's already giving his partner an in case I don't come back letter to be opened if he dies

*  Wait for me!~  Go!~~

* Slow walk with dramatic music: 1 (don't make this a drinking game You Will Expire) this time with bonus almost looking back

* I've seen a similar shot on Hawaii Five O

* Don't explain what's happening, just knock everything over with a jump kick in some absolutely spotless white tennies

* Running with dramatic music with bonus looking back: Does it count?  We have yet to hear back from the judges

* They leap into the water with an explosion behind them, we are less than 2 minutes in and I love that for them

* At first I thought the boats were making a big heart before I remembered that I am very silly and they are not doing that

* This one is going to be long

* I can see his pockets through his trousers, why are his trousers so thin?

* It's not kissing to dramatic music in the surf if it's CPR

* Each story line has its own intro and that's very sexy of them

* Slow walk/dramatic music: 2-6

* These people are totally goofy and and yet the Seriousness

* Two Weeks Ago!

* The police school bus has arrived to shoo away the crows circling around Dr. Zhan staring (dramatically) at the body

* Sport scar policeman dresses even more unprofessionally than Zhao Yunlan who at least looks like a detective who was jumped by so many criminals he just gave up wearing a suit and went for jeans. Chief Bai's clothes are so thin, I'm under constant anxiety someone is going to tear them off.

* Also several of the cast pictures on MyDramaList look like the pictures your auntie insists taking to send to your other aunties and I love that for them

* Triple axil spin from the victim, the judges are loving it - this is the camp I'm here for

* The dramatic slo mo and music budget for this show was so big, just as it should be

* He's mad because he's angy

*  Master Psychiatrist can tell all about the killer from crouching by the body, it's a trope and this is one of the few places I like it because it serves the show instead of the show serving it

* When you're almost boyfriend is going away for reasons and it's not your decision but you can't go with him because of your job so you're just low key bitter about it

*  "You can't control me"

* The pettiness between these two

* Professional women who worked hard to get where they are still are constantly obsessed with boys according to most cdramas

*The male posturing in those three second has accidentally circled back around to being gay in the way those bro shows accidentally do and I love that

* I live for this 80s-90s police chief perm

* The Pettiness

* I always tend to like doctor characters, I don't know why.  Even when they aren't my favourites I like them.

* She's kind of adorable, I like her (I've seen a lot of this show and every time I say I like someone it ends badly ;-; )

* "the victems"

* If you love Creative English, this is the show for you!

* Chief Bai's crew is trying so hard to get them back together

* Dr. Zhan is so good at psychology he can tell what someone looks like from some tire tracks - this trope is used all the time in crime shows, but they push it a little farther in SCI and it really helps the viewer know what the rules for the show are

* The scene in the psychiatrist's office hearkens back to queer coded villains and the way they're treated in old black and white horror cinema - but done so artfully it's almost invisible.  It's incredibly well done, and the awareness of tropes and types all throughout the series is tremendously successful as much as it's campy fun.

* There's also the trope of someone who manipulates someone into feeling like they've been "purified" and then weaponises them against the "filthy". And of course the fact that the killer's blade is a mirror - that he's killing in others what he sees in himself. This trope hasn't just been queer-coded but has been applied to any sort of physical or mental disorder. Thesis have been written about this trope and the anxiety attached to it. I can't write them better and this is long enough, it's just a small part of the excellent handling of the themes showing up in this genre and I wanted to point it out because it deserves appreciation for the skill and knowledge in the writing.  

* The whole you need evidence vs you're saying psychoanalysis isn't trustworthy feels very much like a coded angry exes discussion

* I love the establishing shots, so good

* He kind of deserved that door to the face, what was he even doing

* Police violence in crime shows is supposed to be a release for the viewer, but many countries have issues with police violence so it hits wrong.  Here it's far more performative in a way that at least has some awareness

* The weirdest phone call, you call someone to tell them something important and they say two things to you and hang up

* The tongue thing, why always the tongue thing?

* When a serial killer tries to compliment you by calling you a carnivore and you shut down the whole alpha male supposition by calling yourself a vegetarian

* At this point I've written almost fifteen hundred words and taken almost two hours to watch 23 minutes

* This is my life, these are my choices

* Dutch Angles

* You could make this conversation about being gay, I have had this conversation about homosexuality before

* Unfortunately while I had it I was on the bus trapped in a window seat

* The conversation didn't end with me saying something cool and everyone clapping

* They just got off the bus to go to work

* The banality of evil, yo

* Her shorts are Incredibly Short, good for her

* "arrest the perp behind my back" that's his job, broheim

* He doesn't ask why she checked behind their ears

* DUN dun dun!

* Slo mo file drop, and of course the file is blood stained and aged

* Chalk Art of Doom

* Chinese word play!

* Caught almost putting his coat over his crush, embarrassing XD

* Backstory!

*  I love all the little character details, I could quote lines I think are funny all day but that would start getting silly

* Bai Yu Tong is marked as clean and having OCD but we don't see what's apparently a huge character trait at all other than the all white, do love that he's good at cooking

* Dr. Zhan: Brilliant!  Genius!  Cannot feed himself.

* Dr. Gong has indifference level 100% which is true and also I love that for him

* I love that Wang Shao part of the team because he's good at making friends, I love that for him

* Poor Zhao Fu: scared of ghosts and dumb and sweet?  At least he has an 8 pack

* Jiang Lin is very tropey except the mention of her nearsightedness

* Ma Han's height 1.7m and legs 1.8m is hilarious and I love it

* I stopped recording the slo mo walks, but if you were drinking along with them you might be dead so I really appreciate you taking time out of your afterlife to continue reading.  We appreciate all our ghost readers

* And that's the first episode!  Thanks for making it to the end!

[billyhargrovesbabe]

ocean eyes | billy hargrove

Soooooooo this is super angsty. But I needed a different kind of angst from the one the season finale left me with, and lo-and-behold this was born. I really enjoyed writing it, despite the obvious angst and feels. Feel free to let me know what you think!

Word Count: 2,738

Warnings: Character death, violence, season 3 spoilers, gore, blood, mentions of abuse, swearing

Most people didn’t believe it when they found out the Billy Hargrove—King of Hawkins, King of the Keg-Stand, and King of the Bad Boys— was dating a total brainiac. They’d scoff, or laugh, or (at least the girls) would shriek in dismay. But no one really believed it. Everybody knew Billy was too wild to be tamed, to settle down, to pick just one girl— everyone but you.

In all honesty, you weren’t completely sure why he picked you either. Maybe it was the quiet help you’d offer him when you two were assigned to be desk neighbors in English, then partners in a History project, then lab partners in Science. It was like the world or maybe just the teachers were determined for you two to work together. Maybe it was the calm, collected way you’d dissected that frog when he was clearly too squeamish to do it himself (not that macho-man Hargrove would ever admit it, and you didn’t even make fun of him for it). Maybe it was the silent help you’d offer when he’d wince from raising his arm too high (something you soon diagnosed as a dislocated shoulder), or when you subtly re-bandaged his bloody knuckles at the back of the classroom, or that time you quietly pressed your favorite concealer in his hand to try and help with a black eye. Maybe it was because you just happened to have an amazing rack (something you knew definitely didn’t hurt). Whatever the reason, few people believed it. But that was just fine by you; no one else needed to understand it. All you knew was that it worked.

Billy protected you, and you took care of him. That was the deal. You let each other pretend to be whole. You accepted his anger and his violence, and he accepted your perfectionism and anxiety. You two never pushed the other for more than they were willing to give or say, and you respected each other’s boundaries. Hell, you didn’t even find out he had a step sister until week three of dating him. But because of this mutual respect of boundaries, you two quickly became inseparable. Soon, you were sharing even the most intimate, awkward details without a second thought. Neither of you really knew what was in store when you two would leave in the fall for California (you to attend college and him to move home), but you both knew it’d be fine so long as you had each other.

So that summer when Billy abruptly withdrew, you knew something was wrong. Your boyfriend wasn’t without his flaws— after all, he had certainly earned his reputation as an asshole— but you knew there was good in him. You had seen the sweet, funny, mischievous, caring side he buried so deep down. You knew him like you knew your multiplication tables or your SAT vocabulary— you just did. You didn’t question it. You simply trusted yourself, trusted in your knowledge, and trusted him.

That seemingly nondescript summer evening when he didn’t call you to let you know he had survived another day under his dad’s roof, you got nervous. You tried to call him a few times, and you’d either get the machine or Max or Susan, and both would tell you he wasn’t home (one time you got Neil, but you hung up before speaking to the monster). After the umpteenth unanswered call, your nervous energy began to morph into worry. That worry persisted over the next few days until you ran into his kid step-sister and her odd little friend who spoke in somewhat broken sentences at the pool. When you cornered them about Billy and they shared their strange findings with you (after a lot of convincing), that worry blew up into panic. The last straw was when someone told you they saw him drive up to Heather Holloway’s house, dressed up for a fucking date. Even when he had made it his mission his first year in town to sleep with anything in a skirt at Hawkins, he hadn’t so much as considered Heather for a second. You knew something was very, very wrong with your boyfriend. And you were determined to get to the bottom of it. You agreed to help the kids lure him into the sauna. Whether it was the promise of another victim or the supposed “normalcy” of your relationship the Mind-Flayer was after, you hadn’t ben sure. You barely managed to get out of the way before he was shoved into the sauna, where you saw the heartbreaking truth. You saw the possession, then the shift to the poor whimpering mess he was. You could see the terror in his eyes. You saw it persist in his eyes even when the Mind-Flayer took back over and broke him out of the sauna. You knew you had to save him.

You really shouldn’t have even been there that night at Starcourt, but you refused to leave. You had never been a fighter—that had always been Billy’s job— and the Party didn’t want to bring in any more people than they already had, but you refused to take no for an answer. It was your job to take care of him, and you were going to do it dammit. When the teams split up, you immediately volunteered to go with whatever team had Eleven. The girl was the only one who didn’t look at you with fear, or concern, or trepidation. She understood. She had seen Billy’s mind, after all. She confided in you later that she had seen you there, in his happier memories. They had just been a few brief glimpses, and there was nothing as lasting or influential as his memory of his mom. But you didn’t expect there to be. You had only been dating a few months. And besides, what she had seen spoke volumes. She told you about the quick glances she had of you cleaning him up ever so gently when he came to your house after Neil really laid into him, and of you sitting on the roof of his car with him between your legs while the two of you shared a smoke on one spring evening. She even told you about a memory she caught of you two just lying on the floor of your room, staring up at the ceiling and listening to music as he quietly promised to take you to California so you could see the beautiful ocean he loved so much. She knew no one could bring him peace like you did.

So Eleven understood later that night when Billy seemed so jarred after pushing you aside to get to her. She saw the swift flicker across his face, his resolve cracked and the Mind-Flayer’s hold briefly damaged as he pushed you aside. The sickening crack as your head collided with the hard floor of the mall seemed to echo in the massive space. It was easy after that. She could see he was still in there, that there was still a fraction of his soul and his mind worth saving. El saw the pain, and the heartache, and the grief as her words sunk in and she reminded him what he had left to fight for and of his mother. And Eleven understood what happened next, although that didn’t make it any less tragic.

Your eyes opened to a dark world, lit only by the fluorescent lights of the stores around you. There was a suspiciously wet feeling where your head had collided with the floor, but you paid no mind to it. You frantically searched the scene around you, eyes darting around for your boyfriend and the girl you had promised to protect. You found them off to your right, his domineering figure crouched over hers, his hands around her throat, until... suddenly, his hands were by his side again. You blinked, mind and vision a little fuzzy (you knew you probably had a concussion). Your vision cleared, and you couldn’t believe the sight before your eyes.

There was Billy— your Billy, you were certain of it— fighting off this massive... monster. It was the only word for it. As he grappled with the freakish and terrifying tongue-like appendage, you saw what he didn’t. You saw the tentacles creeping through the cloud of light and debris, snaking their way towards him. You saw him struggle to keep the creature at bay, and you knew in that moment he had no idea what was coming for him. But you did. You saw the scene flash before your eyes as the tentacles slowly seemed to open at the ends, revealing horrific fangs. In your heart, you knew there was only one way this would end if you didn’t intervene. And you refused to watch it happen.

You knew a little something about physics. You had been fascinated with it ever since you broke Jamie Foster’s arm in elementary school. After apologizing to the poor boy profusely, you tried your best to understand what had happened. He had been braced against the wall, his arms in front of him to avoid running into it while playing a game of basketball with his friends. It just so happened at that exact moment, you tripped and feel forward into the direct line of his left arm. The arm that had previously been braced against the bleachers quickly gave way, snapping like a twig and creating a sickening s-shape. You were baffled by how something so strong, so firm as a child’s bone, could break just like that. You quickly came to learn that his weight and energy had all been braced forward, meaning there was little resistance to any energy or forces that would’ve caused a change in direction. It was a lesson you’d never forgotten, and one that had inspired you on the cold floor of the mall. thirst for knowledge and love of learning. AAs you rushed towards your boyfriend, you remembered the ease of crashing and breaking something that should’ve been immovable.

You slammed your body into Billy with your full body weight and the momentum of the short sprint behind it. The usually stable mass of muscle that was your boyfriend slammed into the floor, as all of his strength had been thrown forward into resisting the Mind-Flayer’s attack. He was helpless to your unexpected shove, just as he was helpless when the bites meant for him sunk into your abdomen and back.

You were breathless, suspended in time for just a moment, as you watched him hit the floor. You couldn’t quite believe it had actually worked. His beautiful, piercing blue eyes were focused on you in a way they hadn’t been for— was it days? Weeks? You’d lost track. All you knew was that you never wanted him to stop looking at you like that: like he’d never really looked at you before. You tried to send him a small, reassuring smile even as his eyes screamed at you. You could practically hear him berating you, calling your sacrifice stupid and wrong. You didn’t mind though. You had made your choice the second you opened your eyes.

You felt the pain as the first bite sunk into your stomach, still facing the boy you had knocked out of the way. It sunk deep into your stomach, following the fangs as they tore into your flesh. The stabbing sensation tore tears from your eyes and the breath from your chest. You felt it again as the second one latched onto your back, colliding with the middle of your spinal column. After that, the pain numbed. You weren’t sure if it was shock or paralysis, but you appreciated the reprieve. You felt a strange sort of calm wash over your body. You barely registered the rest of the bites and the attacks on your battered body, barely heard the screams of Billy and Max as they cried your name. You didn’t even realize the monster had been defeated until you were laying on the ground, gasping for air, finally feeling the burning pain of the bites and the blood soaking the floor around you as it seeped out of your body. You finally realized it when you saw him crouching over you, with what looked like tears in his eyes. But that couldn’t be right. Billy Hargrove didn’t cry.

He did feel betrayal though, and you saw it. You felt his heartbreak as he looked at your beaten body, covered in blood and bites that were too deep to even pretend could be fixed. You saw the betrayal as he realized you had broken your unspoken deal: you hadn’t let him protect you. Instead, you had taken it upon yourself to protect him and now there would be nobody left to take care of him when you were gone. There’d be nobody left to patch him up, nobody there to help him pass his classes, no one there to cuddle him on the hood of his Camaro in the evenings. Maybe someday, but it would never be you again. You could see him fighting the anger that would’ve been so much easier to deal with, simmering under the surface. You could tell he had to bite his tongue, wanting to yell and rage and scream but refusing to let that taint your final moments.

You felt the aching and the warmth slowly start to leave your body as your breaths started to become quick, shallow gasps. It was almost painful to feel your chest compressing with the futile effort. Having taken more than your fair share of health classes, you knew you didn’t have much time left. You felt the sleepy haze of blood loss start to settle over you, but there was still so much you had to say. You still had to tell him just how much you loved him, how much you believed in him, how you just knew there was still so much out there for him, how he had to go and live that life in California for the both of you. You had to tell him to learn to let his anger go, to try and repair his relationship with Max, to let himself be vulnerable and love someone else—someone who wasn’t you. You had to tell him to live his dreams, to find the man you already knew he was, and to shave his mustache that had always itched when he kissed you. You opened your mouth, desperate to say something—anything—but he quickly shushed you.

“Shhh, Y/N. Don’t say anything. The cops are coming, and after they patch you up I’m going to kick your ass for scaring me like this. Just stay with me, princess.” You don’t think you had ever heard his voice so tender. You appreciated his empty promises, knowing neither of you wanted to really confront what you both knew was inevitable. He sounded so broken, trying to be brave and strong for you. You tried to grin at him, but your world was starting to fade. You knew your last moments were here.

“Forgive yourself.” You rasped up at him as your body started to give up. You could feel your heart begin to skip, to stop working, as the cardiac arrest started setting in. “I love you.” And you tried to convey just how true that was, even with your dying breath. You tried desperately to send him all the love and hope and strength you could as your vision slowly started to fade, reassuring him that you knew exactly what choice you had made. You had seen the way things would have ended, how you would’ve had to watch him die instead and then continue to live on in a world where he was gone. Go to California by yourself, a stranger in your dead boyfriend’s world with no one there to guide you. Selfishly, you chose to force him to continue on instead. He’d be fine. The infamous Billy Hargrove always made it through. As he sat there holding you, those fabled tears finally spilling from his beautiful blue eyes as he cried ever-so-silently, you quietly marveled at how he had still managed to keep his promise and show you the beaches and water he so loved in your last moments—even if it was just in the tempestuous waters of the oceans in his blue eyes.

[galadrieljones]

The Lily Farm - Chapter 46

AO3 | Masterpost

Pairing: Arthur x Mary Beth

Rating: M (Mature) - sexual content, violence, and adult themes

Summary: After Sean’s death, Mary Beth asks Arthur to take her on a hunting trip, somewhere far away. What takes place at first is a simple love story: full of trials and journeys that they must endure together, as a team. But over time, things complicate. The gang is in trouble, and as Arthur and Mary Beth aim to set out on their own one day, they must find a way to help those they love while eventually, finding escape. Their ultimate goal is to go north with the Marstons, to find the bucolic stretches of Wisconsin where, rumor has it, there are lily farms. Will they make it? How will they survive when all hope seems lost? This is their story.

Chapter 46: The Widow of Willard’s Rest, Pt. 1

***BEGINNING OF PART IV: AMERICAN PASTORAL***

Most days at Deer Cottage, Arthur would wake up early. He would go outside to chop firewood, and then he’d kindle the fire and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes outside. Most mornings, he would fish, but as the days were getting colder and shorter, sometimes he would just set up a trap line on the Kamassa to leave out all day instead, and then hike back up the ridge to the wooded hinterlands and hunt whitetail. He always rode home with enough to cook, smoke, and cure. He would then come back down to the river, empty out the fish trap and with any luck find a sturgeon or a largemouth bass. His new filly Leah, who he named for another character that he remembered from the Old Testament, which he had learned to read from many years before, was a fast girl and even in her temperament. She did not always take well to strange animals, and she had a wary look in her eye upon most passers-through. But she was wise to predators and upon Arthur’s constant and gentle reassurance, mostly a brave and kind girl.

Mary Beth seemed to need a lot of sleep, meanwhile. But she would stay up late knitting sweaters for everybody she knew, as winter was coming now, and she was anxious, and she needed something to keep her hands busy. Most days she did not wake up until Arthur was already busy with his routine, elsewhere, having left her a note or sometimes a little drawing with a pot of coffee on the stove. She wanted to be useful. She was used to having chores, hence the sweaters, and they were scarce on laundry so she made sure to keep things clean. She tidied the cottage in its every corner. There wasn’t much for berries this time of year, but Arthur had found an apple tree and with the dwindling autumn crop, she would bake. She read everything she could find, over and over again, and she wrote prose here and there, but her mind was occupied with a lot of worry and restlessness those days. The baby, the gang. Arthur would take her out shooting, and this seemed to help. He taught her to use every kind of gun. She tended the horses in the barn, which Arthur had built with help from Hamish over a period of one week. It was ramshackle business, but it would do.

Arthur and Mary Beth had been lying low in Roanoke Ridge now for three months. Together they rode into Annesburg at the end of every week, on Sunday, to check the post for word from Dutch, and to buy supplies and the newspaper. Annesburg was a mining community, and its little camps of gutter homes all lined up in a row made Mary Beth sad. As a boomtown, however, Arthur had said it reminded him of Virginia City, Nevada, a place to which he had traveled many years before right after he’d been more or less adopted by Dutch and Hosea. “They took me there,” he told her one Sunday, as they rode into town, down from the hills, “and we set up shop for many weeks. I pulled my weight in the gang at the blackjack tables for a long time, and I knew how to wrangle, and looking back, weren’t nobody better at keeping his head down than me.” He then sighed and grew stoic with concern. “Virginia City is where Susan taught me a thing or two about dancing,” he said, too, chewing on a reed or a piece of bark, smoking a cigarette, wearing an old cowboy hat given to him as a gift from Hamish. He was trying to make her feel better. The gunsmith in Annesburg was chatty and liked their company, too, so they would often make conversation with him. He thought they were implants from the western plains, looking to start a new life, and they supposed it was not altogether untrue.

There was still no word from Dutch. But the papers were quiet, which was a good sign. There had been a story on the “riverboat massacre” some weeks back—that’s what they’d called it down at the St. Denis Times—but no civilians had been killed, and authorities did not seem to know who or what had caused the blow-up. It had been reported that Angelo Bronte, foreign national and local philanthropist, had gone missing for a time, but he was back now, and safe, having claimed to be on vacation up the river, and though this was suspicious, there was not much to make of the feeling. Meanwhile the Mayor was in trouble with the state government for something or other. It looked like he might even get ousted from office. But Arthur did not keep up with politics. He didn’t care what happened to Lemieux nor Bronte, for he and Mary Beth were long gone, and they were never going back to Lemoyne.

There had been one letter in all those months—from Ranger Call. He kept coy and symbolic in his language, but in the letter, he hinted at a complicating factor involving John and the federal penitentiary. This worried them both gravely. Apparently, there was a hold-up on moving the gang to a more permanent relocation, and they’d had to take temporary shelter in Lakay until the problem was solved. But this had been weeks before. The letter also said they were going west, maybe. Or continuing north. That was what Dutch had claimed, but there was uncertainty.

Some members of the gang had gone, claimed Woodrow. Namely, Micah. The asshole feller with the handlebar mustache, he wrote. He went by the wayside when the Man attenuated their plans to rob a city bank. Some wonder if he is even still alive, as a couple days before his disappearance, he had gotten in a tussle with Mr. Matthews, who threatened his life. He said there would be more news when the gang found camp once more. Do not come to Lakay, Mr. Morgan, said the letter. For the Man has sent scouts high and low, from the Grizzlies East to the Big Valley. There will be salvation soon. In the meantime, Mr. Matthews thinks it would be safest, per Mrs. Morgan’s condition, and for how recognizable you have become down here in Lemoyne, for the two of you to remain where you are. The letter also contained information about the Wintersons. They are okay, it said. They are in Chicago and will return in a matter of months. This was a relief. Of course, they tried not to fret too much over John, as all they could do from here was, ironically enough, have faith that it was under control, counting on both Dutch and Hosea as so often they had done in the past.

In the end, there was very little else that Arthur and Mary Beth could do now but survive, not until they got word on where to go next. Hamish had traveled up to visit them on a few occasions. He was doing okay, and he and Arthur would hunt big game during the day and then at twilight they would all go fishing. Other than the constant worrying over John and the rest of the gang, and the occasional fears for the coming winter, and the baby, the way they were living up there in the Roanoke Valley, it wasn’t so bad. There was so much solitude, privacy, time to just be together. It was a privilege they had not been able to entertain in a very long time. Sometimes at night, Mary Beth would cook up a fine dinner, and they would play music on the gramophone, dance as they had that first night they had admitted their love to one another so long ago. Of course they laughed while they did it. It was silly, and they were rare to approach these sorts of sentimental affairs without sarcasm those days. But that was the point. Arthur would fashion a flower from behind her ear, little magic tricks that he had picked from Josiah, and they would talk and play cards and sip whiskey tea. Arthur had a way of letting it all roll right off of him, like raindrops on a tin roof, and that reassured Mary Beth and got her to focus on the day-to-day. She knew how he held the big picture in his mind like a story, navigating the plot, keeping calm. He had not always been so calm, he thought. This was such a positive development for him that had taken some time, and a lot of work. She was starting to show a little bit now, under her dress. They both saw it. Whenever he himself wanted soothing, he would place his head in her lap in the evenings while they listened to music and looked at the fire. She would tell him stories she made up out of the ether. Stories about escaped princesses with swords and poison arrows, and the country knights who loved and defended them. In Mary Beth’s stories, the knights needed protection, too. They were not immortal, or demigods. Just men, she would say. Arthur liked her stories very much.

One day, when the weather was nice, Arthur and Mary Beth rode north up the river with a mind to do some fishing near Brandywine Drop. They kept riding as the sun was warming their backs from its place in the sky, and it felt good. There had been snow already up in these hills, but it was melting off the trees that day and muddy, and Arthur shot a cougar from a distance with his rifle and then together they observed a moose nosing its way through the pines. They decided to camp after clearing the area for Murfree Brood. There were none about that day. Before the sun went down that day, they were just riding up the river, looking for a place to camp when they came upon a woman up the hillside, under a ridge, crying. When they found her, she was sitting on her knees in front of a wooden cross stuck in the dirt, a grave. She was not dressed warm enough for the weather, and she was very dirty. She had dark hair falling apart all around her face in pieces. Both Arthur and Mary Beth were concerned. They approached on horseback. When she saw them, she staggered to her feet and looked terrified. She clutched herself. Arthur stayed back, but Mary Beth got off her horse. She went toward the woman carefully, with her hands in front of her. She said, “It’s okay. We ain’t gonna hurt you.”

The woman looked around, like she was hopeless. She seemed to trust Mary Beth, as most did. “Who are you?” she said.

“I’m Mary Beth, and this is my husband Arthur," she said. "We’ve been living in a cottage just down the river. We’ve been there a few months. How long have you been up here?”

The woman looked back to Arthur, who removed his hat in chivalry. He still did not dismount his horse. He knew what he must have looked like out here to a woman all on her own. He didn’t want to scare her.

“Um,” said the woman, as if gathering her faculties. “We came here—a month ago? Maybe more. I don’t know.”

“Who’s we, ma’am?” said Arthur. “If you don’t mind my asking.”

“My husband and me,” she said. She seemed to brace herself, then looked back at the cross, the grave. She was crying, a little. “We came out here from back east, Philadelphia.”

Mary Beth got a little closer. She stood beside the woman. “What happened?”

The woman dried her eyes on her sleeve. She shook her head in a combination of sadness and shock. “A bear,” she said, staring at the grave. “It was horrifying. He survived, but only a couple of days."

“Oh my,” said Mary Beth, in near on disbelief. She placed her hand on the woman’s shoulder to comfort her. The woman did not protest.

“I buried him, maybe a week ago," she said.

Mary Beth glanced back to Arthur, who shook his head in sadness. This was worse than it seemed, they both thought together, and they were needed. He got off his horse and came over. When he did, the woman looked up at him. She was very small, smaller than Mary Beth even. But Arthur had a way of softening his demeanor when he wanted to. He took a deep breath. “We are very sorry for your loss, ma’am,” he said.

“Thank you.” She seemed confused, like she was getting lost in his eyes, or like somehow she had forgotten where she was.

“Is there a town, or a train station that we can take you to?" he said. "You shouldn’t be out here alone. I know you’re—I know you’re grieving, but it really ain’t safe.”

“What?” she said. She snapped out of it then, almost immediately. “No. No, I can’t leave.”

“All do respect, ma’am, but why not?”

"Because it was our dream.”

“Your dream?”

“Yes,” said the woman, almost defiant. “We came out here from the city in search of a different life. Something true. Something real. I hate to say that we found it, in the worst possible way, but we did. And I can’t leave now. I can’t leave him behind.” She looked back to the grave. She closed her eyes. "For you." She said his name then, which was Cal.

Mary Beth, still with her hand on the woman’s shoulder, was looking at Arthur like she didn’t quite know how to proceed. They couldn’t leave the woman alone up here. It was feral country, and winter was coming. Surely, she would die. Arthur shrugged. Mary Beth did, too.

“What’s your name?” she said, to the woman.

“Charlotte,” said the woman. “Charlotte Balfour.”

“Well, Charlotte,” said Mary Beth. “Maybe we can help you then, get back on your feet.”

Charlotte looked at them like they were crazy. “Help me?”

“Yeah,” said Mary Beth. “Me and Arthur—well, Arthur especially—we been living on the range a long time, and like I said, we’re so nearby.”

“You’ll starve out here,” said Arthur, watching the woman, closely. “That is, if something else don't get to you first. Bear, mountain lions, or worse. You know how to hunt?”

Charlotte laughed to herself then. It was a strange sound amidst all the sadness. “No,” she said. “Of course not. And of course, I’m nearly out of food.”

Arthur smiled at this. “Well, we’ll teach you.”

“You’ll teach me?”

“Of course,” said Arthur. “Mary Beth here, even she knows how to use a rifle.”

“Ain’t nothing to it,” said Mary Beth.

Charlotte watched them, like she didn't fully understand, but she was listening. Somewhere far away, there was a loon going off, ringing in the twilight. The air was getting colder as the sun was going down past the ridge line. “Okay,” she said, with hesitance.

“Good,” said Arthur, almost soft now. He was half-groomed that day. He’d let Mary Beth cut his hair, had trimmed down his beard. It was probably a good thing. When you could see his eyes, his whole face, he had a kind and a sturdy look that most people trusted. He really was a warm man. “You got a rifle?” he went on. “If not, that’s okay. We got guns.”

“I do,” she said. “I have a couple.”

“Where’s your house?”

“Up the ridge,” she said. “Come, I’ll show you.”

They followed her up a long path to a small homestead painted green. There was a barn and a chicken coup. The coup was bustling, but it looked to Mary Beth that the eggs had not been harvested in a while. “You got eggs here,” she said. “Do you mind if I bring some in for you?”

“Oh,” said Charlotte, like she had not noticed. She was so thin. It looked like she probably had not eaten or slept proper since her husband, maybe not since Philadelphia. “Of course not. Thank you.”

“Any time.”

Mary Beth gathered a dozen or so into her skirt. When she came over, Charlotte seemed to notice then that she might have been pregnant, but she didn’t say anything. They stood on the porch. Arthur was quiet and calm, chewing on a toothpick.

Before she let them in the house, Charlotte stopped with her hand on the door handle. She looked inquisitive and she said, “What—or, who exactly are you?” She seemed embarrassed by the question, like she’d meant to say something more formal. “I just mean—why have you come to the Roanoke Valley? What is it that you do here?”

Mary Beth smiled.

“We’ve had all manner of jobs,” said Arthur. “We been on the road for some time now, and the road gets weary. Like you, we’re looking for a new life.”

This seemed to reassure Charlotte. She smiled down at her muddy but elegant boots. “Oh," she said. "Well, I should say, you look like farmers, or ranchers, maybe? Salt of the earth, if you will.”

“You ain’t wrong,” said Arthur. But he said not more. They went inside then, where Charlotte showed them around her modest home. There was lovely wallpaper and heavy oak furniture. Charlotte was digging around in a big leather trunk by the window, and Arthur and Mary Beth were waiting patiently, but by the time she finally found the rifles and the bullets, it was getting dark, and too cold to go back outside.

“Oh, good heavens,” she said, looking out the window, then at her watch. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Arthur.

“Would you stay the night?” she asked them, like she was desperate. She’d been picking at the skin around her fingernails, Mary Beth had noticed. She was so nervous, and worried, and scared and sad and alone. Mary Beth had not met another woman like her since they'd picked up Sadie up near Colter. “I have an extra bedroom," Charlotte went on, "with a bed big enough for the two of you. I just—now that you’ve come, I—”

“Sure,” said Mary Beth. She went to the kitchen table to sort the eggs into a basket, and Arthur was just sort of wandering around with his shotgun still slung over his shoulder. There were some pictures hanging on the wall of Charlotte and the man who must have been her husband, pictures which he was looking at. “We’ll stay. Right, baby?”

“Huh?” said Arthur, only half-listening as he looked at the pictures.

“I said, we’ll stay. We can go out and have a fresh start in the morning. Right?"

He surfaced then, looked at her, easy-going. “Sure,” he said. “Why not?”

Charlotte was relieved.

She showed them to their room. It was simple but beautiful with a high, brass bed and a white comforter stuffed with down feathers. There was not much for food that night, so Arthur stoked the hearth and went back out in the dark to hunt some rabbit, alone, while Mary Beth fried a couple of eggs and made her famous whiskey tea. Charlotte ate the eggs hungrily, though Mary Beth could still sense her trying to be demure about it. They sat on the small sofa together, sipping the tea then, looking at the fire. Mary Beth felt warm and comfortable and though she felt bad for Charlotte, and she could not herself imagine losing her husband and still finding a way to survive, she tried not to pity her, for she, too, had once been a woman all alone in the wild, and after all, she was glad to have a job now, something to do, somebody to help. For a while there, it seemed she and Arthur were always the ones who needed saving.

“Your husband,” said Charlotte after a little while. She was distant, sobered. “He seems very…sturdy, and wise. And you do, too. Do the two of you always know exactly what to do?”

The question was earnest. Mary Beth found it amusing. “Of course not,” she said. “We have found ourselves in our fair share of trouble over the years. But when it comes to surviving in the wild, it's true that we’ve got skills.”

“How long have you been married?” said Charlotte. The fire crackled. The room was warm.

“Not too long,” said Mary Beth. “Maybe four or five months? I am losing track of the weeks now. But we have known each other for a lot longer than that.”

“How did you meet?” said Charlotte.

Mary Beth took a long drink of her tea. She looked at Charlotte and could tell that she was just desperately lonely, that she needed preoccupation and companionship. Mary Beth didn’t want to lie to her. “We met in Kansas City,” she said, shoving the hair out of her face. Her curls were messy from the day. “I was only nineteen, living completely on my own. I was an orphan, and I didn’t have nothing to my name. I was in trouble back then, and alone. Like you. But I met Arthur and his…well, his family, I guess. They took me in.”

Charlotte was listening, rapt. She seemed surprised, maybe, that it was so bad. Like she did not know what to say. It seemed her instinct then to back off. She didn’t ask for anymore details, but she did not close herself off emotionally. She just had a certain polish about her, a certain sheen, even despite her current predicament. For this, and coupled with everything else from the wallpaper to the fine quality of her leather boots, Mary Beth could tell she came from money. “You're so brave," said Charlotte, shaking her head. "It's terrible you had to go through all of that."

"I am no worse for the wear," said Mary Beth. "I found Arthur from it. But thank you."

"My husband and I had all the safety in the world,” she said then, shaking her head like it was just so stupid, so small and silly in comparison. “And still, it wasn’t enough. What a pair of fools.” She closed her eyes. A little tear plopped out. “This was his dream, to escape our lives," she said. "Our lives of privilege, of predictability. And I followed him.”

“I understand that,” said Mary Beth.

“How is it that you’re not afraid?” she said then, opening her wide, pale eyes. “Living…on the range, as you said earlier. All alone? Everything you’ve been through. It sounds so hard, and terrifying. I’ve never known hardship before—before all this. I am a stupid woman, and I am starting to wonder now if I should have been smarter. Maybe I should have been more argumentative, said no. Maybe we never should have come here.” She looked away, at the hardwood floors, which looked new.

“Well, I do get afraid,” said Mary Beth, sincerely. She placed her hand on Charlotte’s hand where they sat in front of the fire. “I get afraid all the damn time."

"You do?"

"Yes. Mostly of losing Arthur," said Mary Beth, "as I have lost so much before him, and I know what that’s like. Losing. As I said, I understand. But listen, Charlotte. It don’t matter where you come from, or who you are. There’s always something better out there, waiting. That's what I'm learning. There’s always something to escape from, and there’s always somewhere better you’re trying to be. You should try not to regret what you did. You don’t know what might’ve happened if you’d stayed in the city. Life is so fragile, I think, and you got to do what you want. It’s easy to worry too much. We gotta...keep perspective. For as long as we can. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm keeping perspective. Arthur helps me with that. There's a lot going on in my life, that's scary, but you know, you don't really find the meaning in life on your own. It finds you. Like with me and Arthur. We was friends for…years, before love found us. Life can be real bad, I reckon, but you never know what’s gonna happen that’s good. Right? So you just gotta keep living, and that’s it, right?” She sat back and placed her hand on her little tummy, as if to reassure herself with the same words she was using to try and reassure Charlotte. "You just gotta try." She sipped her tea and smiled in such a way so that she would seem strong, and like she knew what she was talking about. It was true, she herself was struggling with such similar predicaments, but her husband was alive, and in that, she was the sturdier woman on the sofa that day, by far, so she acted like it.

Charlotte, meanwhile, was staring at Mary Beth, and then looking down into her tea and then back at the fire. They heard Arthur’s heavy boots then, out on the porch. They both glanced toward the sound with immense relief. Charlotte then suddenly looked back to Mary Beth, brightening up a little. She was not okay, but Mary Beth had hit on something it seemed—she was reassured. “Thank you,” she said. “So much. I hate to be a burden to strangers. But you are good people.”

Mary Beth waved her off as the atmosphere between them changed and grown more comfortable. “Don’t worry about it,” she said. “And I hope we won’t stay strangers for long.”

Charlotte smiled. “Me, too.”

Arthur came in the door then. He took off his hat and shook the cold off. He had two rabbits, skinned and cleaned and tied together, laying over his shoulder. “Lord in heaven, it’s cold out there,” he said. He looked at them fondly then, huddled on the sofa, blowing into his hands. “But you two ladies look nice and cozy.”

“Is those rabbits ready to cook?” said Mary Beth.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Thank you,” said Charlotte. She rose from the sofa. Went to him and took the rabbits off his hands. “Thank you, so much, Arthur.”

“Don’t mention it,” he said. He rubbed his hands together and looked at Mary Beth. “You got anymore of that tea, my lady?”

“Yes, sir,” said Mary Beth. She got up to pour him some. He took off his jacket and went to warm himself by the fire, and when she handed him the mug, he thanked her and kissed her on the head. Then he came and sat at the kitchen table. Mary Beth helped Charlotte to prepare a stew and they all three of them chatted for a while. Charlotte had some carrots, cabbage, and salt in her pantry, which they chopped up and used generously. As they were sitting down for dinner a little while later, they looked out the window. It was starting to snow.

“Sweet Christmas,” said Mary Beth. “Is that snow?”

“I guess we’re in it,” said Arthur, amused. He seemed so relaxed there, so deeply in his element. He tucked one of Charlotte’s fine cloth napkins into his collar. “Winter is upon us."

“I guess so,” said Charlotte, like she was unsure. They ate their stew.

As they did, the wind howled through the chimney, filling the room with its strange reminder of all the uncertainty beyond, all of which seemed so inconsequential while they were safe and sound there inside those walls. So much had started, finished, been found, and lost. And yet, there was still so much to do, it seemed, to weather the storm.

[thelustrousyellowdiamond]

The Welcome Home Party

Bella and Susan exchanged a look, very unsure. “We're rather busy, you know,” Bella said to Steven.

“Please?” he begged. “We'd be honored to have you, and you two deserve to enjoy yourselves for once! Saving my friends is a reason to celebrate!”

They thought for a moment, and Susan told him that they'd think about it, but that they weren't going to make promises.

Back on Homeworld, the two Diamonds were out of their human disguises, trying to make up for lost time. Though their Pearls did quite a good job managing their duties, there were some tasks only a Diamond can complete. And in that time, Yellow was finding ways to cram several meetings into one.

It wasn't possible to completely catch up, but Yellow was not one to let that get in the way of productivity. At that point, she started delegating her duties to her most trusted advisors and commanders, but they were left wondering as to why Yellow was taking such extended absences. She sternly told them that it was nothing more than a personal project and the details were top secret. Still, it did not stop the rumors amongst the upper class gems. Yellow Pearl wondered if she should inform her Diamond, but she decided against it as the rumors were nothing close to what actually was going on. ‘Thank the stars,’ she thought to herself.

Making Pink happy was more important to Yellow and Blue than anything else in the cosmos. It was decided. They would attend the party. They just hoped that White would never find out about what they were doing…

The next evening, in Beach City, the party was in full swing. The two Diamonds stood in the back of the crowd in their disguises, hoping no one would notice them. That didn't exactly work however, as so many residents of the town kept pestering them with questions about how they managed to save Lars and the Off Colors, questions they would rather not have to respond to.

To make matters worse, they had been considered guests of honor for such incredible feats of heroism,” in their eyes, as well as having been called up to the stage after Sadie Killer and the Suspects had performed a few songs, with Lars singing alongside her.

‘How could we possibly be heroes to them?’ thought Bella to herself. ‘They don't know it, but WE were the ones responsible for kidnapping all these humans in the first place. Not to mention all the invasions of this planet!’

Susan, however, found herself happy for witnessing all the tearful reunions. It was the least she could do after losing Pink for thousands of years. It intrigued her that such an inferior species could know these pains so very well. Two humans who introduced themselves as Dante and Martha Barriga thanked her profusely for saving their “son.” Susan was still confused as to what exactly that meant, but understood it to be some kind of human relationship that apparently signified their closeness.

Looking over at the Off Colors, it seemed that they were not only happy to be safe and free, but also to meet several fellow rebel gems who were equally as excited to have new friends. There was no way Susan nor Bella could approve of their strange lifestyle or their odd ways, but at least they wouldn't have to deal with them anymore, provided that they had enough respect to honor the conditions of their exile.

“New roomates!” Susan overheard a Peridot saying. It had been the same one that the Bismuth clad in armor had flung into her face, something she wasn't willing to forgive anytime soon.

The traitorous Lapis Lazuli replied, “Yeah, that's great and all, but where are they possibly going to live? You're already living in the bathroom, and Pearl was kind enough to let me stay in her room. Bismuth often keeps to her Forge, but all the rooms in the Temple are pretty much occupied! It just seems like this place is getting crowded.”

“Oh don’t worry!” said the defective Amethyst. “You guys can stay in my room! Just don't touch my junk, and we’ll be all good!”

“And in the meantime, We’ll work on building places for you new rocks to live!” the Bismuth told them enthusiastically. “There are tons of great places to be on Earth, and I haven't seen half of it yet! Stuff's always changin’ here! You'll love it!”

The new off colored gems were talking amongst themselves enthusiastically about what their new lives could be like. Padparadscha looked uncertain, but Susan could not tell if this was because of her delayed sense of vision or because she was unsure of what she would do with her new life her. She felt a sense of pity. How could one live with no purpose?

Susan was interrupted in her thoughts by one fusion in particular approaching her. “Humans never stop impressing me. I'm proud of you and your sister for saving these gems.”

She felt extremely uncomfortable having this fusion, standing beside her, a former Sapphire of hers and her Ruby guard. And that thing had the nerve to call herself a Garnet! Good thing Sapphires weren't omniscient, or she'd be found out immediately. However, Susan was at a loss for words.

“It's a party. You should lighten up a bit,” said the “Garnet” before walking away.

Susan sighed. She and Yellow had snuck out in their disguises, and had been doing so for quite some time. It wouldn't hurt to mingle a little bit. As strange as these humans and rebel gems were in their customs, it was a little relieving to be able to socialize with others without the need of formality. On Homeworld, one couldn't simply talk with gems of another rank casually, especially since she was a Diamond with Yellow as her only peer. So she went out and did something she wanted to do for a while: buy a scarf in her favorite color, which ironically was not blue, but green.

Bella was a little shocked, to say the least when Susan came running up to her wearing a striped scarf that was far too long for her tiny shapeshifted form. “Bellaaaaaaaa! Look at what I just bought!”

Unimpressed, Bella stated bluntly, “You look absolutely ridiculous.”

“And they don't?” Susan replied, gesturing to the Off Colors.

“We are Diamonds!” whispered Bella. “Not rebels! We will NOT stop to their level!”

“Come on Bella, it's not that bad! I've wanted to have one of these for quite some time! I actually had to warp to the other side of this planet to get one of these! I'm not sure why they don't have these in this settlement, but I suppose it is a little long for me. Here, you can wear it too!” Susan took one end of the scarf and wrapped about five feet of it around Bella. “Now we can be scarf buddies!” she exclaimed.

“I swear, Susan, you are getting more and more eccentric by the day.”

However, that was not even close to the most unusual thing that happened that night at the party. Everyone had decided to have a dance off with a human called Sour Cream as the DJ. (The Diamonds later found out that it meant he was in charge of the music.) They stood by the sidelines instead of joining in. Pink and her Pearl were happily dancing casually, until all of a sudden…

Bella and Susan stood agape in horror as they witnessed the scene. The fusion who was now standing where Pink and Pearl had stood was now admiring his new form.

“Rainbow Quartz!” exclaimed Garnet with glee. “How nice it is to meet you!”

“Well, I certainly wasn't expecting to make a guest appearance at this fine party!” began the fusion. “Ya mind if I show off some totally fabulous moves?”

The crowds of humans cheered as Rainbow Quartz summoned his parasol and flew on it like a witch riding a broomstick. He twirled around in the air a few times, creating a spectacular looking rainbow in the sky before gracefully landing on the ground again. “Thank you all!” he said before quickly unfusing back into Pink and her Pearl.

“Pearl, we fused! I can't believe it!” Pink cheered in delight. She hugged her Pearl and they twirled around for a bit.

“Oh Steven,” said Pearl. “That was such a wonderful experience!”

“Garnet, can WE fuse!?!? I wanna see what awesome moves we could pull off!” Pink seemed to have stars in her eyes at the idea. Susan was absolutely livid, but did not act out for fear of attracting attention. How could she partake in such a disgusting act?

“Alright, but just for you Steven.”

The two (or three if you counted the Ruby and Sapphire) did a more hip based dance, and Pink leapt into the fusion's arms. They burst into flame, and the next thing Bella and Susan knew…

“Well, if it isn't the one and only Sunstone!” said the new fusion, standing in their places. “I'm here to show off all my moves, and by the end of this night you'll be amazed at how awesome we are!”

Sunstone then added, “But kids, always remember to practice humility. Don't ever let your pride get the better of yourselves.” Bella and Susan exchanged a rather puzzled look. Just who was she talking to?

While the fusion was wowing the entire crowd, the disguised Diamonds had to mutter under their breaths.

“We need to talk to Pink about this,” said Bella. “This is completely inappropriate and unacceptable for a Diamond especially!”

“Imagine if she did that at the ball! How unthinkable!” replied Susan.

Garnet and Steven unfused shortly after, and then Amethyst came rushing up to them.

“You guys, that was AWESOME! Give it up for the G-squad and the Ste-man! Can we form OBSIDIAN now!?!? It would be the PERFECT time to!”

“No,” said Garnet bluntly.

“Absolutely not!” exclaimed Pearl. “We only fuse as a team in DIRE circumstances! What dire circumstance do we need Obsidian for?”

“Aw, man!” Steven said in disappointment. “That would've been so cool to see what we look like all fused together!”

“Steven, we'll form Obsidian some other time,” said Garnet. “If the time ever calls for it. She is far too unstable and dangerous for just showing off willy-nilly.”

A little while later, Steven approached Bella and Susan. “Having fun yet?” he asked.

“Pink, we need to discuss your behavior,” said Bella.

“You can't just go fusing around like that!” Susan said. “If you had done that on Homeworld, you would be in serious trouble right now!”

“But this isn't Homeworld!” said Pink. “This is Earth! We do things differently here! This is what a real party is like!”

“This may be your colony, but you still must adhere to our rules,” Bella added. “You're not supposed to do this, especially not in public!”

“Oh right,” Pink said thoughtfully. “Just like how you're not supposed to be neglecting your royal duties by sneaking out in these disguises to have fun!”

They couldn't deny it, Pink was right. They couldn't believe they would fall for her silly games. Of course she would try and convince them to engage in rebellious behavior. She had done the same thing thousands of years ago by sneaking out in her Rose Quartz disguise.

After a while, the party died down and most everyone started going home. Bella and Susan looked more sullen, feeling very unsure of themselves. They weren't sure what was right or wrong, good or bad. How far was too far to make Pink happy. These feelings, however, did not go unnoticed.

“Hey there, Your Highnesses,” said the human Greg. “You doing okay?”

“No, we're not.” Bella said. “Now if you could please get a move on, we need to go back home.”

“You sure you don't wanna talk about it?”

Susan thought for a moment. “I suppose… we could stay a little longer.”

Bella sighed. “Fine,” she mumbled. Little did she know, that this was going to be a longer night than she anticipated.

[cliquestitsandicks]

Tracking Kat

Episode 1: Kat is mourning the end of her relationship with Adena. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup in Paris. She's still looking at old pictures of them and posted one. She still hasn't sent Adena's equipment to her, even though Adena has been texting her asking for it. By the end of the episode, she's admitted to (in order) Alex, Patrick, and Jane & Sutton that she is not okay. She is still sad about the end of her relationship. Alex tells her "you're so hard on yourself. You got your heart broken. There's no expiration date on heartbreak. You move on when you're ready to move on and when you *are* ready, you will find someone amazing. Someone who will never leave." Then Patrick is an entitled, invasive dick. She told her girls she wasn't ready for it to be real yet and that's why she hadn't told them... but she broke down in front of them. She'd finally accepted it was over. End of the episode, she makes an instagram post exposing her vulnerability to the world and packs up Adena's things for good.

Episode 2: Kat injects Jane for fertility treatment. She is very familiar with Jane's reproductive system at this point - best friends. She learns the Wild Susan, a club Adena took her to that became a safe space she frequents and which happens to be 1 of only TWO lesbian bars in the city, is closing. She learns the only reason it's happening is because developers want to gentrify the neighborhood. We learn Kat has a lawyer (not sure how that may come up later) that she met through the #BeReal campaign. Anyway, Kat throws a queer prom as a fundraiser to help save the Wild Susan. It ultimately fails because $42,000 in one night from poor people is a bit much. But it was a valiant effort and, as Kat learns, the gentrifiers were well aware of its impossibility. This episode is leading up to her political career. "I've been so into my feelings lately, it feels really good to challenge my energy into something that really matters". I am so proud of Kat. In Season 1, I would have worried she was avoiding her feelings, but the writers made a big deal of showing she's done the exact opposite of that in the prior episode.

Episode 3: Kat has been researching councilman Reynolds and he's a total piece of shit - helping gentrifiers, cutting funding to parks, and voting against paid maternity leave. She's fired up. Our girl is P A S S I O N A T E & informed! We meet the councilwoman for whom she plans to volunteer and her campaign manager, Tia. Tia's a tiny, bubbly boss with natural hair and a bright smile and we see Kat brighten up. We later learn she and Kat have more in common, both being NYU grads (actually overlapping while there) and both brilliant. Tia, however, is not from a wealthy and connected background. In their initial meeting, Kat tells Tia "I'm just looking for something to channel my rage and depression". Kat enlists her besties to help get the councilwoman to unseat problematic Reynolds. Sutton clearly sees something between Kat and Tia because she does a friend's background check (checking the social media) and tells Kat she looks very single to which Kat responds "it really doesn't matter because I'm still getting over Adena" and Jane seems skeptical of Kat's protestations with her silent smirk. We learn Kat has really soft lips. Kat is the voice of reason for Alex, being the first one to acknowledge the hypersexual "dangerous" Black man depiction that will likely be projected onto him if he admits he is the man in his friend's story. Then we see her naturally command the crowd at the rally. Again, I am so proud of Kat. She isn't holding back when she knows she should speak up. She's taking control of her narrative. She's fighting for what's right in a constructive manner. And now Tia, who has way more experience with this than Kat, is recommending she run for office.

Episode 4: We start the episode with Kat describing what would be her district and job description to her best friends. She's looking excited about the potential to do something that matters and really help people. In her conversation with the Toby (?. don't know, don't care), we get to see more of Tia being supportive of Kat and Kat being confronted with whether she's motivated to actually run or just wants someone to beat Reynolds. We learn Kat had an abortion in 2013 when she was 20 AS IS HER GOTDAMN RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S HER BODY, but it's something she's felt some sort of shame/concern over seeing as nobody close to her knew about it. Then, and this is so great, after telling her friends she has the conversation with Tia. Tia shares that she's had one as well and completely understands not wanting it to be public knowledge, but in sharing her experience educates Kat on yet another way vulnerable people are having their rights stripped, this time through manipulation and "crisis centers" that shouldn't exist. Tia remains supportive and doesn't pressure Kat at all with her decision. "I am by your side if they come for you, but you gotta do what's right for you". When we get that great speech from Jacqueline we see Kat being moved my the statement that you'll never know what you're capable of if you don't take a leap faith to face challenges that frighten you, then you'll never know what you're capable of. [i'd like to pause right now to say Jacqueline is fucking wonderful and i love her like my white auntie. also Sutton needed to hear that again just as much as Kat and i really appreciate this entire moment.] When Kat leaves Jacqueline's celebration, she passes by one of those "crisis centers" Tia told her about and decides to use her voice to help others. "I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, empowered, forward-thinking, open-minded woman. But, up until now, I haven't been able to talk about my abortion. If me putting myself out there helps even one woman to feel less alone, less ashamed, and less guilty then it's worth it." And just like us, dear Tia is blown away. She actually exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding and biiiiiiiitch (!!!! excitedly). and then they're dancing! This is the episode, upon rewatch, when i recognize how often Tia touches Kat unnecessarily.

Episode 5: Kat's entire recap includes Tia, ending with Sutton saying "she seems to be very single". Her very first scene, Tia is complimenting her walking out of some campaigning event we later learn was a Town Hall. Can we just talk about Kat's blazer for a second? First of all, i want it. Second, how did they find something so perfectly her? It's colorful but still semi-professional, fun, but still about her business. Heart-eye inducing. ok. So the next time we see Kat, she and Tia (whose last name they finally mention as Clayton) are reviewing campaign platform and doing debate prep at Kat's apartment. Tia's complimenting Kat almost continuously at this point. Clearly she's impressed, borderline gushing. and Kat tries to brush it off. Tia's not letting her. And there's this moment when Tia forces herself to break eye contact with her (around 5:40 of the episode). The show tells us Kat still hasn't dated since Adena, but Sutton brings up the "stupid smile" she gets whenever Tia's mentioned. She's making better decisions than Patrick and her being compared to Patrick is lowkey happening a lot. I'm starting to wonder if they're setting up Kat taking over digital if she doesn't win the campaign. Ok, the song choice as they pan to Kat and Tia... "I never normally check my phone 10 times in a minute. I'm not the girl to be kept on hold 10 miles from the finish." Again, Tia is very touchy with Kat, never anything inappropriate of course, but the hand is always on the back or the arm. and their interaction is just.. lovely. I squeal. it's so cute. they're so comfortable. Kat invites Tia to the dinner BEFORE (i got the timing on that mixed up before) Tia says she's "a boring straight girl" [the test determined that was a LIE... nah, my good sis Tia is dealing with some internalized homophobia which is no joking matter, but we don't learn that until the next episode]. Apparently, Kat can cook now? So she just liked Adena's food better i guess? idk... anyway. I get why some of the things Tia said can be taken as flirting, but i still believe that you accept what someone says is their sexuality until they say otherwise. yes, that's even when they're saying things like "when i see what i want, i go for it" and "Annndd she can cook. it's hot" and looking at you like that. Kat telling Jane to apologize because he's her boss and she got suuuper disrespectful and would absolutely deserve getting fired makes me proud. She's the mature friend now. She's the one with a level head on her shoulders. Kat finally makes her feelings known to Tia, but this is after Tia has already stated she's straight. Tia reiterates that this is a professional relationship and apologizes for Kat getting the wrong idea. I'm reminded of when Alex Danvers told Maggie Sawyer she was into her and she was rejected... but in that example i was floored and heartbroken for Alex because ugh, i just didn't see that coming. With this, however, it felt like Tia was clear in her words even if it shocked the hell out of me what the words were. So i didn't feel heartbroken for Kat. I thought... tbh... she brought it on herself for refusing to respect Tia's "no", however soft it was. But the writers did let us know it wasn't over with the music selection... Kat looking at "You and Tia make a great team :)" as "I'll go to war for you" plays.

Episode 6: All the emails have been released and Kat has no worries at all about that because she's a professional. And we get to see her be a boss addressing the entire group. Patrick isn't there this episode (YAY for our sanity!) and i think Kat being a boss so often when Patrick isn't around is intentional. When we see Tia, she says last night is forgotten but she thinks it's a bad idea to remain Kat's campaign manager... which is clearly a hard rejection. One can argue that it's too harsh for someone merely admitting they were into you. But it's just as easy to argue that it's appropriate after telling someone, very clearly, that you are not into them romantically and them ignoring that and saying that you were flirting with them on this date they never called a date before you were already there?? so i'm not mad at it. At the end of the episode, we find out that Tia was rejecting herself, not Kat. Turns out, Ms. Tia Clayton has known she's attracted to women since she was in high school, but she "didn't want to want it". Tia is so TINY AND ANXIOUS ABOUT HER SEXUALITY AND MANY OF US HAVE BEEN THERE. But... and i say this in jest... for someone who is really trying not to be out in the open with her gay, she sure was comfortable kissing Kat all outdoors for anyone to see. My good sis is smitten. I'm excited for the story. Again with the music during their scenes though... "I cannot fallll in love with youuuuu. I cannot feeeeel this way so soon, so soon." Also, my girlfriend and I have watched the gifset of the kiss over the phone and swooned (we live in different states for now). This episode, we also got the flashbacks (i missed Lauren so much). Kat's got red streaks in her hair, is a friend to strangers, has regrettable sex with men who taste like pickles, and is cute as a button. She also called Jacqueline "Mama Jackie" and that's it; that's her name now.

[sebbystanimagines]

Prompt: … just read it … part 2

Warning: Suggestive themes, I guess.

Author’s Note: Part 2 is here! Maybe this’ll be a series…?

The next few days were rather…awkward. With new truths revealed, no one could look at each other, and the only person who could look at Y/N was Bucky.

Stark’s fixer was a party with tons of alcohol. He wanted to get plastered in a social situation with other people as well. No one complained. They were all in the same boat.

Y/N stood before her closet, looking for something nice to wear. She kept her clothes fairly modest, but tonight she wanted to be a good looking woman. The last few days had been turtlenecks and jeans, bun-hair, glasses…things that just made her feel unattractive. Covering her body was her apology for who she was and what she did.

Tonight would be different though. Y/N started getting ready as soon as she woke up. She would step out of the shell for the night. It would be there for her when she woke up tomorrow.

Her dress was a burgundy sheath dress, straps being the only thing on her back. The heels were tall and so was her confidence. Y/N would be the girl with her head held high.

Music could be heard from the elevator. Y/N grew a bit more excited just knowing she would get to join the fun tonight. She would finally be apart of the team.

Y/N’s eyes flitted around, trying to find someone to talk to. She wanted to talk to Bucky first, but he was the only person she had really talked to the last few days. Maybe Natasha?

Natasha and Steve stood by one of the windows, talking about who knows what. Y/N approached with a smile and a drink taken from the bar.

“Hey guys. Mind if I bother you?” She pulled out her best smile. It got her fairly far.

Natasha looked to Steve, who happened to be looking at Y/N’s chesticle area. The redhead cleared her throat to catch his attention. Steve quickly looked up and nodded.

“Sure. We’d love to have you join us.” Steve assured Y/N. It would be fine!

… right?

Y/N smiled through the whole thing. Though soon, she realized Steve directed most of his talking to Natasha. Y/N felt like Ross when Carol and Susan hooked up. She was on the side, just watching. She tried to answer but it was dismissed. It took a bit before she cut in.

“I, did I do something wrong? You didn’t have to say yes to talking to me if it’s just gonna be ignoring me.” Y/N didn’t often stick up for herself. What was in this drink?

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s…it’s just….” Steve seemed to be at a loss, finding the right words. He looked to Natasha for help.

“Talking to you gets him horny. All of them, really.” The comment wasn’t snide, it was the truth. Her previous occupation had really bit her in the ass. Y/N looked to Steve to see if it was true. When he didn’t meet her eyes, she shook her head.

“Is that why no one is talking to me?” Her heart broke a bit. Y/N was a nice girl, a fun person. Why couldn’t they look past her voice?

No one said a thing, and that was enough for her. Y/N said a soft thank you before walking off to another group of Avengers.

The results were the same across the board. Y/N was hurt more than anything else. She didn’t want to be here anymore if that was how it was going to be.

“Can I get a long island iced tea?” Y/N asked once at the bar. She felt someone stand beside her.

“Make that two, and make those full doubles.” Bucky thanked the bartender then looked to Y/N.

“You look like someone ran over your turtle.” The comment didn’t make her feel any better. Tears welled up in her eyes. Here come the waterworks.

“No one wants to talk to me because I make them horny!” Y/N was often told she had the Kim K crying face. Bucky could confirm that now.

“They want to talk to you. It’s just that you make their pants tight, and it makes things very inconvenient. Plus that dress sure ain’t helpin’.” Bucky pointed to her dress before taking the drink he ordered. He handed the other to Y/N. She let out another sob.

“Sorry I wanted to feel good! Is that such a goddamn problem?” She was angry, sad…honestly every emotion at the moment. Tears seemed like a good expression though.

Bucky took a long drink before putting the drink on the counter. “The fact that you look and sound good makes them scared. People aren’t open with what pleasures them, even when they scream it out. What makes you horny?”  

‘You.’ Y/N thought on a whim. She had to think about something else though.

“Hesitation. You’re scared to say it. Now you know how they feel. Is it fair that they don’t talk to you? No, it’s a dick move. However, it is not malicious.” Y/N took a long, hard chug of her drink. She had stopped the tears.

“Then why do you talk to me? If I’m just a sex piece, then shouldn’t you be buttering me up or something?” Y/N hiccuped softly. Bucky shook his head.

“You know how I feel about you. While my feelings for you are terrifying, it’s not the scariest thing I’ve faced. Y/N, I told you I masturbated to your voice the first time I called, during our first in-person conversation. It’s gonna take a lot more than a hot dress and you to scare me.”

Y/N sniffled, snot starting to leak. Talk about a boner killer. She was such a mess, physically and mentally. If only the team could see that about her.

Bucky locked his hand in her’s. He pulled her off the chair. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Tears bring another kind of awkward out in people.”  

The bathroom was surprisingly empty. Bucky closed the door to hide it all. Y/N was instructed to sit on the covered toilet. She watched Bucky grab a small hand towel.

“I don’t want them to be scared of me. I’m just like them. My favorite show is House Hunters, I wear contacts because I ruined my eyes reading, my favorite food is an Italian sub. I…I’m just a human like them.” Y/N watched Bucky kneel before her, wiping away the streaks of mascara with the wet hand towel.

“They know. It’s just going to take some time for them to adjust. You just be you and pray to god that they see you for you.” Bucky was a straight-forward kind of man. Y/N had realized that from the third phone call.

Y/N sighed softly. She was buzzed and her head hurt. “I think I’m going to turn in early. Thanks for everything.”

Bucky helped her up, putting the towel on the counter. Y/N hugged him out of nowhere.

“When you asked what made me horny, it only took one word to sum it up.” Y/N hugged him a little tighter.

“You.”

Y/N was gone the next second, leaving Bucky alone in the bathroom. That was a chunk of information he had to swallow, and she didn’t want to be around when he did.

[creativemorningsdublin-blog]

Meet our musician: Susan Quirke

Meet our musician: Susan Quirke

Our musician for the month of March was the incredible Susan Quirke. Susan is a singer, songwriter, musician, meditation teacher, and also a multi-award-winning social entrepreneur for her work in the field of wellbeing and mental health. Originally from Oola in Co. Limerick, Susan is now based in Lahinch on the west coast of Ireland in Co. Clare Ireland. On her music journey so far, she has released 4 original singles alongside 4 music videos, achieved an iTunes No.1, and played at venues throughout Ireland, the US and Australia.

Her debut record 'Into the Sea' will be released on April 23rd, 2021

. We sat down with Susan to explore her relationship to creativity among other things. 

What does this month’s theme of Ripple mean to you?

I live by the ocean in County Clare. Every day I watch the creation and movement of the waves rippling to the shoreline. Nature’s intelligence is always moving through us. When I feel this in my heart and surrender to it all peace flows in and I know everything is going to be okay, that all is perfect. There is so much wisdom in the ocean. I sing to this in my forthcoming album ‘Into the Sea’.

You have done so much work in the areas of mental health, meditation, and social justice. Could you speak on the importance of living a life where all of those are linked?

I see everything and everyone as being interconnected. We’re all inhabiting this earth in a giant vast soupy ocean of intermingling energy. When there is suffering, we all suffer. When love flows, there is a butterfly effect and that flows out to the collective too. We are in a continuous dance of evolution together. That is where meditation comes in for me. It cultivates a strong pipeline from the top layer of the ocean where it can be choppy and busy (like our minds), down to the depth of the ocean, our deepest nature, our deepest Being, where there is a greatest stillness always there. In this life, I think it is vital we look out for each other which everyone does in their own different ways. I campaign and advocate where I can as well as doing all I can to support others to take care of their minds and hearts through my meditation teaching. We also cannot care for each other unless we fill up our own cup first and that is something I had to learn the hard way over the years.

Is there any particular environment that you feel your musical creativity really emerge or do you find it quite easy to access?

It emerges when I give it time and space to emerge. Most of the songs that have flowed through me came when I went off-grid and dedicated a week or month to songwriting. I booked a house by the ocean one time and a bunch of songs came through. I also spent a couple of months songwriting in northern California and tons more came. I’m a night owl too and love playing late at night when the world is asleep, there’s something special about that time.

Your new album ‘Into the Sea’ is out on April 23rd. Could you let our audience know what was the most enjoyable part of making the album and where you felt most challenged throughout the process? 

I loved every aspect of making the album. Being in studio was pure bliss. My eyes sparkled so much I thought they were going to explode out of my head. The fact that I worked with some of Ireland’s finest musicians, heroes of mine, was mind-blowing. I also co-produced the album so I had to really be strong in articulating and expressing what I wanted. I had a crystal clear vision for the album, I could hear the exact sound and production I wanted in my head and I have realised that sound, thanks to the team of beautiful people involved, which is a joy. I feel I have also grown as a result, and it has reminded me to enjoy the process of creativity and not to get too focused on the outcomes. Holding the record in my hand is a gorgeous thing, and whatever else flows is a sweet cherry on top.

At the moment you are very much in the singer/songwriter and folk sphere. Do you think there is any other genres you might like to try at some point? 

I have a couple of real indie banging tracks on the album too, especially the Embrace. That speaks to the rocker in me, and all those endless hours listening to rock and indie bands growing up head banging in my bedroom and moshing at gigs as a teenager. I’d love to do a bit more of this type of thing but I’m also drawn to electronica and dance music. I would absolutely love to do vocals over a sweet sexy kickass dance track and perform that live at 2am in a giant tent at a festival. I also connect with many different indigenous cultures and wisdom traditions and love listening to sacred chants from many lands throughout the world.  

Reflecting on your journey with creativity and all the various places it has taken you if you could send a message to your younger self what would you say? 

I was extremely shy, lacked self-belief and confidence, and experienced a lot of challenges in my youth. My message to my younger self would be everything is going to be okay, you are strong as fuck and you’ve got this.

What advice would you like to give to women entering into any of the creative industries now?

I met Xavier Rudd, another of my musical heroes, at a festival in Australia and got chatting to him about wanting to make a record at that time. I wasn’t fully connected to my own power and my confidence in my ability to make it happen was low. He just eyeballed me and said, ‘Get it done'. Those three simple words lit a fire in my belly. Sometimes we just need that push, and the encouragement to know that we can do it. Too much over-thinking and self-doubting doesn’t help, but there are immense societal and systemic barriers many women have had to (and still have to) overcome. There is much more to be done.

With March being Women’s History Month, we would love to know about the women who have had a positive influence on your life?

My beautiful mother Mairead, my late grandmother Mary ‘Baby’ Coyle and my sister Caitriona have all inspired me in so many ways, as have my kick-ass friends who are also doing incredible things in the world. I’m blessed to have many trailblazers, activists, humanitarians and artists in my life. Also musical powerhouses like Sinéad O’Connor, Dolores O’Riordan, Bjork, Cat Power, Deva Premal and Patti Smith have inspired me. Spiritual teachers like Maja Angelou, Dr. Edith Eger, Caroline Myss and Tara Brach have also been great guides along the way. Too many to mention here, I could go on forever.

You can listen to Susan’s music here.

[vileart]

Bingo Dramaturgy: Anita Vettesse & Johnny McKnight @ Stellar Quines

 Grid Iron and Stellar Quines present 

Bingo!

A new musical comedy. An unforgettable night at the bingo.

“Have you ever done a bad thing, like really bad?”

“Yeah. I started Breaking Bad when our Davey was on the night-shift.”

A new musical comedy focusing on lives of six characters and one fateful night at the bingo. 

Bingo! tours Scotland in March and April 2018.

Every week more than 2 million women pour into local bingo halls across the UK, each one hoping that all elusive HOUSE will change their fortunes forever. Daniella’s one of those women. Except she isn’t just hopeful. She’s desperate. She needs Lady Luck to smile down on her tonight. She’s done a bad thing. No, a really bad thing and if her card doesn’t have those winning numbers, she’s going to have to resort to desperate measures to take home that prize money.

Tour dates: Assembly Hall, Edinburgh: 6-7 March 7.30pm (previews) and 8-17 March 7.30pm (not Sunday 11th), 10 & 17 March 2.30pm (matinees) Macrobert Arts Centre, Stirling: 22-23 March 7.30pm, 23 March 2.30pm (matinee) Ayr Gaiety Theatre, Ayr: 27-28 March 7.30pm The Brunton, Musselburgh: 31 March at 2pm and 7.30pm Tron Theatre, Glasgow: 12-14 April at 7.45pm Eden Court, Inverness: 19-21 April 7.30pm, 21 April 2.30pm (matinee)

What was the inspiration for this performance?

A: We were commissioned by Stella Quines and Grid Iron to write a play/ musical about Bingo.  So that was out starting point.  Then we just sat and talked and talked about what Bingo meant to us and our associations with it and then developed our story and characters from there.

Is performance still a good space for the public discussion of ideas? 

 A: Totally. There’s nothing nicer hearing audiences leave a theatre and be in debate or arguments over what they’ve just seen. It starts conversations.

J:  Theatre transports you in a way I don't think TV or cinema does.  The sweat is there in front of you, the live experience has jeopardy, anything can (and sometimes does) go wrong.  I think that intensity of watching cant help but make you think and feel on a deeper level, with that comes discussion, debate, rage, empathy. 

How did you become interested in making performance?

 A: For me I wrote as I needed to be able to create work on my own (having been an actor for 20 years) and relying on other people to give me work. Also I was of an age that I felt I needed to try something new and terrifying.  Which it was and still is.

J:  It became a necessity for me.  I was cast in quite a few camp light parts when I graduated.  I decided I'd do my own camp instead.   It started with devising in a group but, after a while, that started to feel like a compromise to what I wanted to say or investigate (or maybe I just got more anti-social as I got older!?!?) 

Is there any particular approach to the making of the show?

 A: We both know one another really well so approaching this show was lots of chatting and story sharing and we begun with characters and then put them in a scenario we thought they’d work well in. The story changed from first draft – but the characters remained the same…we just wanted in second draft to make life harder for them and see how they coped.

J: there was a lot of post-it notes.  A lot of coffee.  A lot of telling stories about people we knew and things that made us laugh.  I think this was a completely different thing for us both, we've never written as a team with anyone else before, we're so used to being the solo voice.  Surprisingly it took a lot of the angst and dread out of writing, that fear that can cripple you at times, it wasn't there for this one.  It felt like you'd let the other person down if you weren't firing on and trying to make them laugh, or move them. 

Does the show fit with your usual productions?

 A: This is a first musical for me. A first at co-writing as well. I’ve loved working with Johnny but I think that comes from years of being pals we have a shorthand. I think the themes and the humour is quite similar to things we’ve explored before…but the story / music is different.

J: I think yes and no.  Anita and me are good friends and we have a lot of similar tastes and view the world through similar lenses, so I think anyone familiar with either of our work will still see us indidually in the piece.  However two minds can only be better than one so we've really looked at it from a hundred possible angles.  Personally, working with another person has pushed me harder – make it funnier, brighter, shorter, be economical, fight for your ideas.  Its like working with a dramaturg on your own material all the way through the process. 

What do you hope that the audience will experience?

A: A good night out firstly. A tear too and to leave the theatre feeling they want to organise a night with their pals and go to the bingo!

J:  I want them to fall in love with theatre, to forget its crap weather outside, to laugh with wild abandon, and to remember the power

With cracking original songs, a lot of banter and cheeky humour, Bingo! is co-written by Anita Vettesse & Johnny McKnight, with music by Alan Penman and directed by Stellar Quines’ Artistic Director Jemima Levick.

Cast of Bingo! includes stars of British stages and television such as Louise McCarthy (Daniella) of BBC’s Scot Squad and Two Doors Down, Wendy Seager (Mary) who played Susan inKilling me Softly and featured in Still Game, Barbara Rafferty (Joanna), star of River City, Brave New World, Rab C Nesbitt and The Last King of Scotland film, Jo Freer (Ruth) who starred in Dundee Rep’s Sunshine on Leith as well as River City, Darren Brownlie (Donny) known from Dundee Rep’s Witness for the Prosecution and BBC Scotland’s Scot Squad as well as Tron Theatre’s pantomime and Jane McCarry(Betty), Still Game’s Isa and Scottish pantomime star who also played Dolly in Tony Roper’s The Steamie and featured in Rab C Nesbitt.

Bingo! reflects the current state of affairs for many people living in the UK, for whom a visit to a bingo hall is both a night out and a financial plan. Brought to Scottish stages by two award-winning Edinburgh-based theatre companies: site-responsive specialists Grid Iron and Stellar Quines, who celebrate the diversity of women and girls, Bingo! promises to be a show that entertains and provokes.

Bingo! receives its world premiere at Assembly Hall in Edinburgh. The show then goes on tour to venues around Scotland, including Stirling, Ayr, Musselburgh, Glasgow and Inverness.

Jemima Levick, Artistic Director of Stellar Quines said: “As one of Scotland’s longest serving touring companies, Stellar Quines’ work is created to inspire women & girls, and the men that know them.  We realise that women and girls come in different shapes and sizes and with a variety of tastes and expectations, so our programme of work aims to respond with broad appeal.

Every time I read Bingo! or hear it read aloud, I am reminded of just how brilliant women are.  It’s a play about comradery, friendship, parenthood, and strength in numbers, but also about hope, and ‘that’ fantasy that we all have – of how our lives might change with that big win.  It’s a play that never fails to take me by surprise, it makes me laugh and cry. 

We are particularly delighted to be co-producing alongside our long-time colleagues, Grid Iron.  It’s a collaboration that’s based on many of the qualities of this play, so we’re thrilled to be on that journey with them.”

Judith Doherty, Co-Artistic Director of Grid Iron said: “Grid Iron have been talking to Jemima about Bingo! for quite some time so, when she took over the helm at Stellar Quines, it seemed the perfect opportunity to bring together two Edinburgh companies who share a mission to provide strong roles for women on and off stage.  Anita and Johnny have written a truly cracking script and I would bet on it that we’ll hear people humming Alan’s music as they head down the street after the show.

Although Grid Iron are best known for site-responsive work, this is far from the first time we’ve toured work for the stage and indeed, isn’t our first musical either. We’re really looking forward to taking Bingo! out on the road and are delighted to be travelling with Stellar Quines.”

Sharon Burgess, Assembly Managing Director said: “Assembly are thrilled to be working with two such prestigious Scottish Theatre Companies to present work at Assembly Hall out with the month of August. We very much look forward to hosting the world premiere of Bingo! in March next year.”

from the vileblog http://ift.tt/2BlefK9

[austencello]

Checkmate - Arrow Music Notes 5x16

Oliver and his team find out the identity of Prometheus only to find themselves behind no matter how hard they try to counter him.  During this scary game of chess, Felicity joins Helix to make a difference and help Oliver while Oliver dons the Hood to take on the Russian Pahkan in flashbacks.

Talia al Ghul

The opening sequence is one of my favorite music openings in awhile because it was different from most openings.  It started with flute as Oliver climbs the mountain to Talia’s training spot, lending an Oriental and otherworldly sound as he enters the building (remember the Ney flute from Season 3?)  Tension racks up with strings and drums as he watches the fighting/training, which switches to all out toms/percussion as Oliver fights them.  Talia’s theme enters as she explains why she trained Prometheus: because Oliver killed her father as well.  The mood and music shifts to Nanda Parbat instruments with male voices, duduk, and crutales as she reveals her last name.  Talia’s theme then returns as she reveals Prometheus’ real name.

Talia’s theme returns once more in the end when she shoots Oliver in the leg with pit viper venom, helping Chase capture him.

Adrian Chase/Prometheus

Now that the Oliver and the team knows Adrian Chase’s true nature, he does not try to hide it but instead relishes in taunting them in every turn.  In similar fashion, the music throughout the episode lends itself to the tension, giving subtle hints of Prometheus’ theme only fully coming out in a few spots.

The first of these appear as Oliver (as the Green Arrow) confronts Adrian in the parking lot. Like the villain, the music layers gradually and slowly beginning with a very high note held in the violins with very low strings slowly playing a version of the Arrow theme with many rests (pauses) in-between giving a gravitas and creepy factor.  The cellos and violins start to fill in those pauses as Chase threatens that Susan will die if Oliver kills him. At this point the Prometheus’ marimba (although it almost sounds like metal pipes and a musical tick-tock) is added as Chase revels in his psychopathic game before Prometheus’ strings begin.  The true villain is revealed to Oliver.

In a similar fashion, Oliver and Chase have another conversation after Captain Pike ends up in the hospital. High violin notes play again as Oliver enters the room, electric guitar waves in and out for effect, punctuated by low pizzicato every so often as Oliver promises to find Susan and then kill Chase.  Electric bass starts plays the same note (like a heartbeat) as Oliver grabs Chase’s jacket who in turn tells Oliver that Susan will be dead and then lists Moira, Tommy, Laurel, and Shado (?!) of the people Oliver has lost.  Brass and strings (resembling the Arrow theme but more chromatic) enter as Chase asks how much more loss Oliver can take before being destroyed as Prometheus’ tick-tock begins.  Winding up the tension and Oliver’s emotions.

Prometheus’ full theme enters as he faces Oliver in the costume and takes off his mask before fighting (after Oliver and team find Susan).  The tick-tock continues as the low strings with pauses return plus timpani as Oliver expresses his willingness for them both to go down under the C4 explosions. Adrian’s wife was brought in to try to convince him to stop while high discordant notes hang in the high violins with the string bass beats continuing periodically.  The music goes crazy with discordant brass as Chase stabs his wife and then Arrow fighting music plays (lots of electronics) as they have a very violent fight.

The juxtaposition of low and high happens again at the end as Talia and Chase face off chained up Oliver. The high violins hold a note while the low strings play a repeated note as Talia leaves requesting that Oliver suffers as a electronic sound begins.  Prometheus’ theme and instruments build (minus the full violin glissandos) as Chase informs Oliver of his plan to reveal who he truly is.  A menacing and foreboding ending.

Helix

Felicity joins Helix in this episode and then proceeds to get further embroiled in order to help find Susan and later, Oliver.  Helix has its own sound of higher electronics (similar to Curtis’ electronics in S4) with notes ascending matching the sounds and busyness of the electronic world, the monitors and way too much information. Aspects of the Pandora string theme return (with an added counter melody in the cellos) as Felicity sees the monitors and the stolen Palmer technology and expresses a little concern about that much power in Helix’s hands.

Both the high electronics and the strings return as well as hints of the wooden percussion used with Helix/Pandora as Alena asks for a quid pro quo - hacking for them in exchange for their resources.  A slightly darker sound than the previous scene.  This returns at the end as Felicity offers to do whatever is needed so that she can find Oliver.

The darkest sounding moment for Felicity is when Curtis confronts her about her decisions to hack into National Security drones.  Felicity is determined to do this (in her mind to help the team) but fully aware that the rest of the team would not approve.  Small hints of the Helix electronics play over a new repeating string pattern.  The music reflects the influence Helix is having, Felicity’s determination in following this path, and Curtis’ concern of Felicity’s direction.

Oliver and the quiet moments

Oliver is being hemmed in on all sides by Chase with dramatic tension and has two powerful quiet scenes with the two closest to him: Felicity and Diggle.  Sometimes quiet has a great effect in focusing on the emotional beats as much as music does which is the case with Felicity.  It also highlights the great chasm that has developed between them, an increasing distance.  Oliver shares his concern and worry about what she may have gotten into and invites her to share what it is.  Felicity is not ready for that yet giving the excuse of not wanting to add to Oliver’s burdens.

Later on, Diggle comes across Oliver quietly brooding after he let out anger and frustration on a lot of Arrow lair equipment.  This scene also begins in silence reflecting Oliver’s mood but as he starts to share his concern about letting people in, trusting them, putting his friends out as targets, waterglasses begin to play (reminiscent of Someone you Love) and a horn plays.  This is a branch off the horn melody in 5x13 when Oliver was giving speeches regarding the mass shootings.  This melody begins with the first 4 notes but then goes in a new direction.  He only sees creating more targets of his friends.  Diggle reminds him that they are his strength instead.  Oliver starts to name those who make him most vulnerable as piano (Oliver’s instrument) enters: Diggle, Felicity, his son.

Extra Notes

- More Cimbalon during Russia flashback scenes. Also, Arrow (Hood) music plays as Oliver dons the Hood and attacks the Bratva hockey rink.

- “The Climb” (3x09) theme was back (one of my favorites) as the team is informed of Prometheus’ true identity, Dinah wants to alert the SCPD and Oliver says not yet: “This guy has us in check.”  The music reminds us of another time that Oliver was cornered and put into an impossible situation perhaps lending to the gravity of the situation.

- Blake’s music was really stellar this week in all the DC shows.  There was a beautiful flow and layering in this episode that really built up the tension and emotional beats. (Can’t wait for the Supergirl/Flash musical!)

- My next month is a little crazy.  I will try to get Arrow music notes done but they may be a little on the shorter side.  Thanks for all your patience and encouragement.

@smoakmonster @herskirtsarentthatshort @pulpklatura @mel-loves-all @ah-maa-zing @academyofshipping @jorahandal @marniforolicity

[wildflower8281]

My Arizona Adventure

February 2, 2017

February 2nd is historically a big day for me. Thirteen years ago today, I entered the convent, a stage of my life that lasted almost 8 years and has informed my person in innumerable ways. One year ago today, I flew across the country on a 1-way ticket, marking another start on a journey that has shaped me into more of who I am meant to be in this world. Big things happen on this day in my life. In pagan spirituality, February 2nd is called Ibolc and is celebrated as the Festival of Light, the returning of the sun, as it marks the halfway point between winter and spring. It is when we first begin to notice the signs of spring, blossoms, green, hope, warmth. Christianity eventually put their spin on this celebration of nature and named it Candlemas, citing the infant Christ as the light of the world. Either way, it’s a day about Light. In religious life, I was given the name Lumen Christi, or Light of Christ. While I do not identify as a christian or a catholic anymore, I still hold the essence of Lumen as my own and believe Light to be who I am at my core. February 2nd, the Festival of Light always moves me….sometimes just interiorly, but sometimes literally into big, new adventures, leaps into a new chapter…

A year ago today, I hopped on a 1-way flight to Phoenix, Arizona knowing in my heart that things were just gonna work out. And as I write this today and look back on my year here, I am so very grateful for all the ways that Life truly has worked out and the Universe really has upheld and embraced me here. This writing is part story and part litany of gratitude…

For about the third time in my life, I had left a place of work that did not feel like where I was supposed to be anymore. I was in between jobs and it was mid-January in cold, wintery NJ. I intended on going to visit my Dad and stepmom in Arizona for a few weeks just to get some sun and to recalibrate. Very quickly, as I began to have Arizona on my mind, the idea of a visit turned into the idea of a life out there. A co-worker said, “You should just buy a 1-way ticket and see what’s out there for you!” My entire being responded to that sentence and I will forever be grateful to Michelle for speaking what came on her heart that moment. From then on, it was as if Arizona was pulling me out here and, even though I didn’t have any answers or plans, I knew to trust that feeling. I wasn’t scared. There was a deep calmness and overall feeling that this was the right move for me, so I continued to follow that feeling and didn’t really care what anyone else thought.  It was confirmed when I asked my dad & stepmom if I could in fact just buy a 1-way ticket, stay with them and see if I could land a job out here – as they were thinking the same thing and going to suggest it to me!

A year ago today, I did not have a job, a place of my own or friends out here. A year ago today I landed in this desert and little did I know how generous it would be to me! It is quite amazing when you just listen to your heart and not let the world scare you. You can make some pretty brave moves and you’ll be surprised by how much the stars align for you.

I must say that none of my life here in AZ could have happened without the generosity of both my mom Susan & sister Erin in New Jersey, and my dad, his wife Erin and Fitz family out here in AZ. After almost 8 years in the convent, I returned home to my mom in 2011 and spent four amazing years with her on the farm, learning how to be me again. She received my broken, exhausted, lost self and gave me the space, love and support to heal, grow and learn to be brave and strong again. My mom’s love has informed my own heart more than any other person in my life. My sister Erin always embraces my choices and always stands by my side, even when it means leaving her. That is brave and that is love. And without her love, I would not feel whole and would not be who I am today. She welcomed me home post covent and she supported me as I moved out west. She is my person and always will be. My dad and his wife Erin so generously welcomed me into their home and allowed me to live with them until I got on my own two feet. They gave me a foundation here, they supported my hopes, they listened to my ramblings, they made me margaritas and put up with my weird yoga ways outside every morning….they showed their love in actions and for all these things, I will forever be grateful. My aunts out here in AZ also supported me whole heartedly: Mary Kay allowed me to hole up in her house, using her laptop to job hunt and apply. Aunt Barb always kept an ear out for me whether it was for jobs or places to live, and she passed her bike onto me, which I now ride to work daily! They opened their lives here to me, for whatever I needed. 

It goes without saying that my best friend in life, Lindsay, lives in my heart at each step, walks with me and knows my journey and story like no other. She is my soul friend from all ages, who upholds my spirit and mirrors my light with her love. Amore & Lumen ad eternum.

In New Jersey, I rediscovered myself, I healed, and I was very, very loved….I was sent off knowing that I would always be loved and supported….in Arizona, I was received just the same. If only every human could have these gifts! I wish them upon everyone and am daily grateful for them in my life. Because I feel so blessed, my main priority in life is to make the people in my life feel heard, loved, supported…to look people in the eyes, to listen and connect. In my opinion, once people feel heard, loved, and supported, then they can go out and heal the world however they are meant to – be it through art, music, medicine, laughter, teaching, etc. I don’t need or want big, loud things in life or on my resume, I want to be the quiet, steady whisper in people’s hearts & lives that they are loved, that they shine bright and that they have meaning in this world.

Just as flying one way across the country without a job or any answers isn’t the norm, nor was my plan for job hunting. I didn’t waste my time frantically applying to every random thing. I promised myself that I would only apply to places that aligned with my values and lifestyle, which mainly included health and art in all forms. The first place I applied was a tiny yoga studio called Funke Yoga. It was my first application and my first job offer! This was about 3 weeks in. I will always be grateful to Mara for hiring me, as it was that little part time job at the yoga studio that was my first concrete anchor here in AZ. During my time at Funke, I met two of my first friends who I am grateful now I call my best friends here, Rose & Lee….or as my dad and Erin refer to them: RosenLee, since I always mention them together! They are my crew, my fam, we are nerds who love food, laughter, yoga and root beer. They keep my heart light and bring me much joy. I love them dearly. They are the first two who made me believe that I would find my people out here. And I have.

Following Funke, I only applied to 3 other places: an art center, a handcrafted local soap company and a chiropractors office. I was invited for interviews at all 3. The soap company ended up moving to Oregon. While the chiropractor paid better, the art center felt better and for me, that makes all the difference. There was about a 3 week span between my first interview and getting the job at Phoenix Center for the Arts, but I had stopped looking and applying elsewhere. I knew the position was for me and I just lived my life knowing that it was the right fit. When Lauren called to offer me the job, I was out hiking and answered from the mountain!

When I think of all the amazing people and connections I have made since working at PCA, it blows my mind space! First of all, my coworkers are a bunch of freaking brilliant badasses, who create, maneuver and shape-shift all day, every day, all the while being kind, patient and usually hilarious. I am grateful for the freedom, the expansive energy and the fun comraderie that is fostered at PCA. I have never really been more proud of the people I work with and humbled to be a part of their amazing team:

·         Joseph – thank you for your warmth, open spirit and for believing in the best parts of me and us. And for bringing Joy into our family!

·         Lauren – thank you for your sense of humor, lightheartedness and for patiently teaching me skills and encouraging me to trust myself again. I couldn’t ask for and wouldn’t want another supervisor/friend/team member all rolled into one.

·         Lane – thank you for your kindness and willingness to use your mastery to make everything amazing. And for your specialized lingo that I thoroughly enjoy!

·         Jessica – thank you for living in the barrio with me, for having a super fun spirit and for seeing in me more than I see sometimes. And for your great laugh.

·         Jessi – my fellow transplant! Thank you for your under the radar badassness, your kind energy and the way you can do all the things!

·         Mirinda – what can I say?! Thank you for making me laugh, for thinking of us always and for listening, friend!

·         David – thank you for your friendliness and for always making me feel supported and safe, esp on evening shifts! And for sharing your food with me!

·         Lindsey – thank you for your generosity with your gifts, you have a depth of perception that most do not. I love being late nite shift buddies!

·         Melissa – thank you for cleaning up our messes in a most masterful way! Your gifts are greatly appreciated and I admire your organization and adventurous spirit!

·         Sonya – the newest addition! I am stoked you are with us and thrilled to work with you and have more time to get to know each other. You clearly have many gifts to share. Thank you for your amazing spirit.

·         Kaitlyn – who would have thought that from across the country, I’d become friends with the girl whose position I took! It’s no surprise to me that we have become hiking buddies! I knew the moment I saw you that we had a similar spirit.

·         Laura – thank you for warmly welcoming me, patiently teaching me skills my first few months and introducing me to Lola!

And to all the amazing instructors, PCA regulars & Radio Phoenix people who have welcomed me like family and who make me look forward to going to work each day and week: Don, John, Ingrid, Ann, Mike, Colette, Char, Marilyn, Liz, Michele, Brian, Jess, Andrea, Betsi, Fabrice, Michaela, Nubia, Carly, Travis, Robert….

They say timing is everything and two very special people I met during my first months at PCA have become true life friends, even though they left PCA shortly after: Dorothee and Jose. Dorothee is like 10 years my minor, but we just clicked and became very close right away. She is a true best friend with whom I can share anything and for whom I would do anything. She has supported me during difficult moments and visa versa. We only worked together for a few months at PCA, but that was all we needed to form our friendship, one that is a true pillar of my life here.

Jose I also met during my first week at PCA, as he was a front desk volunteer. He was a quiet, seemingly shy guy, but kind and so polite. As is my custom, I like to engage people beyond the normal surface questions, so as the weeks went on, I would linger at the desk and intend to get to know this human who Life had arranged to be in my place of work a few times a week.  I sensed that he was like me, in that we aren’t amazing in groups, but are masters at 1-on-1 conversing. And I was right. Once I got Jose talking, we found out that we could talk forever! And, without sounding cliché, that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship  – one full of late nite talks, hiking, coffee on the patio, cooking adventures, library dates and chasing the moon and stars. Jose stopped volunteering in the summer, but again, I am amazed at the timing of the Universe, as it aligned our time at PCA just right, so that we had enough time to warm up and become friends…a relationship that has brought me even more alive than I already felt and for which I am so grateful.

And so here I sit in my Dollhouse on February 2, 2017. A year ago today, I had no job, no friends and no place of my own out here. I just had a knowing in my heart. I flew across the country with that knowing tucked deep down where I promised I wouldn’t let anyone take it, I fell asleep at nite to that knowing and just kept listening to it as the days and weeks unfolded out here. Today I sit in my guesthouse that is the perfect little space for me, my first ever space of my own, I look around and can only be grateful for how that knowing in my heart has manifested into a life out here that I love. It is a simple life, a happy life. It fills my heart, brings me alive and allows me to receive others as Arizona received me: generously, warmly and with an open heart. So, once again, on February 2nd, I am moved. I look around and see that I am surrounded by bright lights here….a true Festival of Light, with much sprouting and blossoming, and so many good things! May we all shine brightly in this world, just as we are meant to, for in the end, the light always overcomes the darkness. I promise.

[baileysayswhat]

I know I kinda did a recap already from Oct ’18-19 – and I was going to write one of my rambling, lovable, GIF-heavy recap posts but I kind of like this bullet points idea.

I looked back through my calendar and feel like 2019 had a lot of wonderful in it. It was a solid year. Here’s a chronological look:

January

Rang in 2019 by watching Millie & Stanley, 2 cantankerous and lovable neighbor pugs. Also got food poisoning.

My first MINt team (Dec ’18-Feb ’19): Abominable SnowMINts

Playing with Pinafore (Nov ’18-Oct ’19) at CSz

Volleyball w Apple buds on team “How I Set Your Mother”

Continuing to teach Level 1 Krav Maga classes at Titan Gym

I go to work on Polar Vortex day! It’s pretty quiet.

February

Promotion to Senior Sales Executive at Grubhub

I’d only been there 10 months!

Flew to Phoenix for family time

Decided to visit the AZ office since my boss was in town too (for actual work)

Then worked in the office for 3 days

Work paid for my flight back

I felt v. v. fancy.

My parents drove 3.5 hours each way for me to see the Grand Canyon. On first sight walking up to the rim I cried. How is anything that vast and majestic? Whew. Full stop.

Sedona was wonderful and kooky and I need to go back.

Visit to best/favorite KBBQ – Cho Sun Ok – in Chicago with Neal AND we went to a concert – Dean Lewis & SYML

  March 

Started Crossfit at Windy City Strength and Conditioning

KBBQ at the same restaurant – Cho Sun Ok – 2 weeks after Neal BUT with Kalin.

I still don’t know how this happened but my stomach ain’t complaining about it.

Started final ID class w UW-Stout.

It will be the hardest class I’ve ever done in my life.

I just don’t know it yet.

Due to this ^^ took sabbatical from teaching Krav at Titan Gym

Flew to Dayton to see Trace/Dinah and Xander/Abs (PLUS YOU, COTY) and I’m so glad I did.

April

Took a Music Improv workshop through MINt with Alex

I sang a song about how I still have a Washington State Driver’s License but mid-song realized it was really was about how I missed home and cried in public, in a workshop. I’M FINE.

Went to a Cubs game IN A BOX for work

Yes, it was v chill and fancy.

Cast on second MINt team: BlooMINt Onion

Alex & Jake from the Little Rock crew came to Chicago

We get Old Fashioneds at the Broken Shaker

This is the best Old Fashioned in the city. I am convinced.

I will not be moved.

Interviewed for dream job while still in school for said job field.

Got dream job.

May

Started dream job

Saw Hamilton w Josh.

We are in the second row.

I immediately want to see it again. I do not.

It closes in 2 weeks (aka Jan 15, 2020) from now LETS GO

Bekah Brown (and Potato and Sully) in town!

We roam and nap and laugh.

Sat in with Oh Cecelia at iO twice

Being asked to sit in is bananas nice and I have done it several times this year with different teams. Thank you everyone for your trust in my make-believe!

Went to PHX for work to train 5/13 class

Do not feel prepared as I JUST started said job.

People are v nice.

I got upgraded to a suite and neither of my 2 bosses did. BIZLIFE.

Abby (L&D Boss) and I do not eat bread bowls from Panera by the hotel pool, WHICH I WAS PROMISED would happen. Still sad.

Officially resigned from Titan Gym/teaching Krav due to new job

Originating dream job position and possibly traveling every 2 weeks for it just wasn’t good for students, for the gym or for me. But I miss y’all.

Saw Falsettos (Broadway) show

it was NOT a comedy

I was NOT prepared

AND if meme photos of me crying on the train alone after ever come out it is Todd’s fault. The end.

Finish/graduate from UW-Stout’s Instructional Design Graduate Certificate program

I survived the aforementioned hardest class in m’life.

Genuinely sad/miss my group TO THIS DAY.

June

Mom & Dad come to Chicago –

Father’s Day

Field Museum

Architect River Cruise

CHICAGO HOT DOGS!

Had huge audition for something I really wanted. Felt good about it. Didn’t get it.

Did a 5 Things CSz workshop

July

Performed for the first time w Ben, Nicole & Nate as music improv team AirBRB

Had lunch with Toni Berry, writer, bud, fellow Sagittarius, former Apple co-worker

By ‘lunch’ I mean we hung out for like 4 hours. WE ARE LONG WINDED.

Decided to apply (and got) a workshop spot with RIFF; a music improv short form show that performs at iO.

Did improv set in a church service with Susan

it was a planned set; we didn’t just jump up and start, I swear

Lunch with Jenean, former work wife and also, strangely, my first time eating poke

I now love poke

WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG

Fly to Washington to drive to AZ with Mom & Em

August

4-Year Chicago-versary!

Me and the Bean are very happy together in a committed relationship over halfway to a common law marriage

Drive from Lynden, WA to Phoenix, AZ in 2 long days with Mom & Em

YES TWO DAYS

Teach 2nd training class in AZ for 8/5 class

Abby, L&D boss and of the 2 women I report to leaves the company. I hate this but still love her.

Sit in with Goat Milk Goddesses to perform at the Women’s Funny Fest at Stage 773

Dana comes to see me!

She’s the best.

I try my first Pole Dancing class at Brass Ring Chicago

Due to a Groupon I bought 6 months before that was about to expire 3 days later. I keep it up through EOY.

Compete in music improv competition “Verses” at Second City with AirBRB – we lose to some of my favorite people on Home Entertainment so I’m ok with it.

2nd RIFF show!

September

Audition for Anarchy, another music improv team

I don’t get it

But I know a ton of people in the room

I’m ok!

Speak to my UW-Stout instructor’s class about being hired to work in ID/Learning & Dev field as a Sales Trainer right out of our program.

Feel v accomplished.

Toggle from Crossfit back to LSAC gym by my house

Y’all CF is cool BUT MY WALLET WAS SCREAMING.

Play volleyball for Fall Season with people I met in Spring Season at Lincoln Park High School.

Catherine (Sales Boss) the second woman I love working for leaves the company. I hate this but love her.

I got her some goodbye cookies that Carrie makes and they are PERFECTION (see pic below) support Carrie she does amazing work and a percentage of every order supports a different charity every month. HERE IS HER LINK I LOVE IT. 

I got myself a massage. I am stressed/sad about the boss situation above BUT NOT THE COOKIES.

I got it on Groupon, I am fiscally responsible.

Start meal plan service to eat Keto for the month of October (officially 9/30-end of October).

Not fiscally responsible but IT IS OK.

Keto doesn’t let me eat fruit as as a Washingtonian this is a crime I do not like.

Make it the 30 days, lost 10lbs in Oct.

I get a new boss to report to on the Learning Team side at work. He seems cool although I don’t know it yet.

October

Final Pinafore show at CSz. I have the sads that this core group of people I love is done.

Yes, yes, I know we can still play together

IT WAS A GOOD BITTERSWEET THING

I know all things must end I used to watch Lost

Started some personal training with Brian at LSAC

I warn Brian I am a talker.

Brian makes me do weird double kettlebell swings. I am not good at it right away and hate it.

Literally all I do is try to make Brian laugh to get my mind off of sweating.

Guys, don’t worry. I got plenty of sweating in still.

Started an Olympic Weightlifting class with Keith at LSAC

I AM SHOCKINGLY GOOD AT THIS.

Thank you to the Crossfit gym and also Coach DeHoag at LC, I guess.

Cry at work 3x in one day after feeling overwhelmed w my 2 bosses being gone and the announcement we are upping our hiring aka much bigger training classes.

1. After a meeting

2. In a stairwell mid-afternoon

3. In first 1:1 with new boss

Is this a record and if so please get me a medal

I go to DC for the first time and get to hang with David, Bekah, Adam & Dana (and Millie)

I needed this.

Performed in Hocus Pocus Redacted at the Music Box as Allison.

 Yes, yabbos

November

Work tells me they approved hiring a 2nd person to do my role; we begin applications/interviews

Robbie becomes 2nd trainer at work and I begin trying to explain how/why I do what I do.

Audition for CSz & cast onto new Rec League team: Potluck

Watch Heather, Dan & Jess’s Bloody Christmas Carol show

My friends are fancy and sing & dance really well.

I came straight from a volleyball game and am very sweaty smushed next to strangers in this small theater.

See Robbie Ellis’s truly hilarious orchestra with Ben.

We fancy dress up.

We are seated in the front row.

We did not know we would be in the front row.

Thanksgiving week is my first week ‘off’ of training since starting my job on 5/1; I get so much work done and also contract a cold.

I do nothing except sit in my apartment alone for Thanksgiving, make myself mashed potatoes and I love it.

December

Record size massive training class (for us)

I am responsible for the learning & logistics of 20 people and gain (probably) 17 gray hairs.

Work approves a 3rd (Arizona) and 4th (Philadelphia) trainer; applications & interviews begin

I start seeing a therapist – it helps.

Nothing specific; I’m just noticing circular behaviors as I look back over my shoulder for 30+ years.

Added to the ensemble of RIFF

After performing as a sub several times since that workshop in July!

I’m added in the same class as Ben, Sarah & Will who I feel so honored to sing (and rhyme) with.

I fly home for 12 days to Lynden, WA

I turn 32 sitting at home, surrounded by my family.

I tell my family I plan on climbing Kilimanjaro in October 2020. I announce it at my birthday dinner so I can’t back out of it. NAME IT AND CLAIM IT BBS.

Yes, another blog post will come to flesh this ^^ out.

Performed with Upfront Theatre’s ensemble, including Ryan Stiles, for the 2nd time in Bellingham on the day after Christmas. My family is there seeing me do what I love and I am happy.

2019 Overall

Performances – with Pinafore, with MINt teams, RIFF and so many other opportunities to sit in and play with teams. Feeling grateful.

Shows – I saw countless shows; CSz matches, iO & SC improv, staged shows, musicals, Broadway, even just at movie theaters! Ya girl is stuffed full of stories. Also I have crazy talented friends.

People – I saw family 4 times! That’s almost a record for one year! Lunches, grocery store runs, shows and coffee times with so many friends too.

Health – Got my first ever stitches (shoulder), which was a weird first to have post-30. Overall healthy but somehow got food poisoning 3x this year. Probably won’t be asked to be on Bear Grylls show because of it ever.

Work – very happy to be working in the Learning & Development field as a trainer, instructional designer and general weirdo. Finally. GH has been very good to me.

Mental state – I’m pausing here and looking around my house, just thinking about this one.

I’m proud to be taking steps to correct patterns and behaviors that are unhealthy. Seeing a therapist that gives homework to work on between sessions is great.

I’m improving at recognizing progress as progress even when I wish the progress was bigger.

I’m proud/terrified to be setting the goal of climbing Kilimanjaro in October 2020. It scares me and excites me. More to come on this!

I’m thrilled to be an ensemble member on a long-term team. This has been a goal since I got to Chicago – I don’t need to drive my work to SNL or Mainstage. I just want to be on a consistent team of talented friends that I laugh with and improve my skills.

Hiya, 2020. Let’s go.

She’s Solid. I know I kinda did a recap already from Oct '18-19 - and I was going to write one of my rambling, lovable, GIF-heavy recap posts but I kind of like this bullet points idea.

[radiofreefandom]

TRANSCRIPT: Episode 201 – Undead Heist Crew with Jenny Hamilton

Claire: Hello, and welcome back to Radio Free Fandom, the podcast where my guests and I get down and nerdy about the media and stories that we love. Welcome to Season 2! Because we have seasons now, because podcasts are hard to make. You can’t make them every two weeks. It’s hard! So we have seasons, this is season 2, it’s going to come out every week for fifteen weeks. And I am so, so excited about the line-up of episodes that I’ve got for you folks, it’s going to be awesome. So as you’ve probably guessed this is Season 2 episode 1, I am still Claire, and my guest today is Jenny. For those of you who don’t know Jenny, or who didn’t hear Jenny’s previous episodes, she is a blogger and podcaster at Reading the End, and a diehard fan of Black Sails, her toddler godson, and the New Orleans Saints. Did I say that right?

Jenny: Yeah, that was perfect, that was amazing!

Claire: OK good, I was worried! Today we are going to celebrate the podcast’s glorious return to the land of the living by talking about our fav undead creatures and monsters, and then we’ll squee about stuff that we loved in the last… six months or so since we spoke to you, dear listeners!

[Music break]

Claire: Welcome back to the show Jenny, I’m so glad to have you back for the start of this new season!

Jenny: I’m so excited to be here, and I’m so excited to hear the other episodes you’ve got lined up, because like, what I’ve heard you talk about so far sounds amazing.

Claire: Well, we’ll have a bit more of a teaser in the recommendations segment later in the episode. But, let’s start with talking about the undead! Why do we love them?! And then, we’re going to play a game, which was Jenny’s idea, and was the best of the best ideas.

Jenny: I’m so excited!

Claire: So the undead – we kind of had to figure out what we meant by ‘the undead’, like, just zombies, just vampires, immortal people, people who’ve died? What’s the criteria here, for something to qualify as the undead?

Jenny: So yeah, the only criterion that I applied, is that they had to have died and come back to life in some way. So whether that was zombies or vampires, obviously those count, but also, for instance Harry Potter counts, because he’s died and then come back to life. I mean, in my line-up I decided not to just include immortals, they had to have died, so no Wolverine, but, you know, who cares, so. (Laughs)

Claire: That is also the rule that I went by, and before we get too much further into that, let’s talk about the line-ups that we’re going to do. I’m going to let you introduce it, because it’s such a brilliant idea.

Jenny: OK, so my idea was – I’ve been watching a lot of Leverage, as we are going to discuss – but, so I wanted to have us each invent a caper crew, with seven positions, and then we would each have to draft a fictional undead character to fill each of those positions, and comprise our full caper crew.

Claire: And this is great to me, because I also love Leverage, but I feel like I wasn’t really into heists before Leverage, I haven’t really been into heists as a specific type of story, but it’s wonderfully tropey, is a heist, isn’t it?

Jenny: Yes, very, yes!

Claire: So do we want to start by talking about the roles that we’re going to recruit for our caper crew, and we basically took them from TV Tropes.

Jenny: Yeah, and we picked the most interesting positions, and I feel good about where we landed.

Claire: Yes, although I did change one of them a tiny bit so it was more like Leverage, but we’ll get into that.

Jenny: (Laughs) I have no complaints to make about that.

Claire: OK, Good. So the first job that we’re going to be looking at is the Mastermind. The Mastermind is the leader, the person that gathers the crew, finds the targets, calls the shots, thinks of the plan, and basically, in Leverage, which is going to be the ur-text for this, right?

Jenny: Yes, yes

Claire: The Mastermind is like, supposedly the main character, although I personally think that Nate is very boring and shouldn’t be the main character, but whatever.

Jenny: Yeah.

Claire: The idea of the Mastermind is a person that’s able to change the plan on the fly if something goes wrong, which is kind of what I went for more specifically when I chose my Mastermind, so, do you want to reveal yours first or shall I go?

Jenny: I can go! Because I’m really excited about my Mastermind. OK, so, you had said in your notes for this podcast that it was someone who could keep a bunch of immoral people in line, but I’ve gone a different direction.

Claire: Nice!

Jenny: I tried to escape from this outcome, but everyone I cast as the Mastermind was less good than my first thought, which was Katherine Pierce from the Vampire Diaries. She’s the only undead character I could think of who has the right combination of intelligence, initiative, and passion for contingency plans. I think she’d be great at planning for every eventuality. I do think she would mostly want to do evil plans, but I think I’ve got a team that mostly has a strong moral compass and ultimately could keep her on the straight and narrow. Basically, Katherine is just incredibly smart. On The Vampire Diaries sometimes she is outsmarted, but that is by like, the collective intelligence of two Salvatores and Elena, and those are all pretty smart people, so I think she’d be great as the Mastermind. Who did you pick?

Claire: My first pick was literally just a bad joke, I was literally going to say it should be Jon Snow, because he died and came back to life and he’s as boring as Nate, right.

Jenny: (Laughs) That’s pretty good, that’s funny.

Claire: My actual pick is Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas, because the man has grand ideas. Like, sometimes they don’t work great, but he is going to go out there and organise stuff. He’s going to go to this random new place he doesn’t know and have an idea and be like, alright, we’re doing it, and get it all done. And then, when stuff doesn’t work, he will come up with a way to fix it, which I thought was important for the Mastermind as well.

Jenny: Yeah, oh absolutely I agree, that’s a very good pick, I like it.

Claire: Thank you, thank you thank you. Yeah I’m sorry, I haven’t actually seen the Vampire Diaries, so I can’t —

Jenny: Oh, it’s really great, it’s so great, you should watch it one time.

Claire: MM-kay, one time – isn’t that show really long?

Jenny: Yeah, but I think if you just wanted to get a sense of it, you could just watch the first two seasons, because that’s when it’s like, peak itself. Or if you just wanted to watch the first three, that would also be fine.

Claire: Fair enough, fair enough.

Jenny: OK, so the next position on our caper crew is the one that I found the hardest to cast.

Claire: Oh my God, same.

Jenny: It’s yeah, which is Tech Support. This is the hacker, and provider of gadgets, who builds what you need to get into vault security, hacks into computers, and does all that kind of stuff. Turns out there’s not a lot of undead techy types, so I’m really interested to hear what you came up with, Claire.

Claire: Right, there’s a lot of fantasy undead things, but not a lot of sci-fi undead things. I struggled a lot, I had a lot of like, this is a real stretch but I might have to go for this. In the end, I kind of talked it through with friend of the podcast Susan, who was extremely helpful, and what we in the end landed on is Breq, who was the Justice of Toren from Ancillary Justice. Now I want to say straight away, this is my biggest stretch for someone who died and came back to life. But, the Justice of Toren was a massive spaceship, with a bunch of ancillary bodies, who themselves had basically been braindead, and then like, been brought back as corpses to serve, blah blah blah. And then the Justice of Toren gets blown up, and Breq is like, the conscience of the Justice of Toren in just one body. So I think I’m going to give it to myself. Breq used to be an artificial intelligence in a spaceship, so like, she can do the thing. Breq is the only person that I thought of that wasn’t like an absolute stretch for this in terms of being able to actually do tech support.

Jenny: Actually, as you were speaking I changed my choice.

Claire: Oh dear!

Jenny: I just changed my choice just now. Well because, OK, I’ll tell you my thought process. The first person I thought of, the only undead character I could think of who was remotely in the STEM discipline was Liv from iZombie, but she really doesn’t do tech support, that’s not her thing, she’s a medical person.

Claire: No, I know.

Jenny: And then my second thought was, OK, one of the X-Men, like, all the X-Men die and come back to life, so I was like Beast, surely.

Claire: Yeah, comic, anyone in a comic book, I’m not going to go and check, they’ve probably died and come back to life.

Jenny: Right, well, but I’m committed to the integrity of the system, so I did go and check.

Claire: I know, I know you are.

Jenny: And I swear to god, every X-Man except for Beast has died and come back to life.

Claire: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Jenny: I looked and looked, I couldn’t find anything. So I was going to land on Jean Grey, but I have just this moment changed my mind. And I’m instead going to choose Jedao from Yoon Ha Lee’s Ninefox Gambit.

Claire: Yes! This was Susan’s first idea, but I haven’t read it, and I felt very uncomfortable citing something I hadn’t read. And I care about the integrity of the system so we looked for something else.

Jenny: Yeah, so I feel really good about this! Jedao used to live inside his body and that body has died so I think it counts. They kept his consciousness alive on ice, but I still think it counts as having been dead.

Claire: No, I think it counts. I mean, I mostly think it counts because I had it as a backup myself.

(Both Laugh)

Jenny: Well, and I did think about him as a Mastermind, but the reason I didn’t want him as the Mastermind is that he doesn’t really trust himself as a Mastermind. So, I think that in the Tech Support role he could use his brilliance, but he wouldn’t be in charge of people’s lives, and I think that would be a relief to him.

Claire: Well, I feel like Hardison would be insulted by this, not being in charge of people’s lives.

Jenny: I just mean not being a leader of men, he did some bad stuff when he was a leader of men, so I think, you know.

Claire: No that’s fair, that’s fair. That’s the only thing I know about this series, is that Jedao did a lot of bad stuff before.

Jenny: He did, he did, yes. But he’s very brilliant, he’s techy, I think he would do great at both hacking and building gadgets. Wow, I’m so excited I thought of this just now!

Claire: Yeah, I think that really works.

Jenny: Oh man, so good.

Claire: Great, amazing! The next role we have down is the con-person, slash the grifter. So in Leverage, that’s a woman called Sophie, or maybe not Sophie, we don’t really know. But the TV Tropes thing says, they do most of the conning, acting, and people-manipulating, which is quite important, and they use confidence tricks. And obviously they might also have to go and be a mole, or be bait, or be distractions if they need to do that.

Jenny: Okay. I love my pick for this, I think that the con-person, it’s helpful if they have a background in the theatre, and they also need to be hot and charming, so I chose the vampire Lestat from the Interview With a Vampire books by Anne Rice.

Claire: That’s fair! (Laughs)

Jenny: Isn’t that good?

Claire: Yeah, that’s quite good.

Jenny: He’s like, he’s flashy and vain and charming, he has been an actor and a musician, which means that he’s like, at ease as a performer, he can also, he’s bisexual, so he can romance people of any gender, and I think that he would just be a real asset to the crew.

Claire: Yeah, that’s fair. I went with Liv as iZombie, specifically because, it’s a plotpoint in iZombie that when Liv eats the brain of a person with specific knowledge or specific urges or personality or whatever, she gets that. So, my idea of that would be like, if Liv wasn’t confident in herself to be the grifter who could do a particular job, then she could like, tap back to the time that she ate that one brain that would be really great for that. Or, they could just have a library of brains on ice, that had like, the right, you know. I mean I’m going way more evil with this. Just like, we’re just going to keep a bunch of brains, just in case.

Jenny: That is pretty evil, but I like it.

Claire: Or, she could just have the brain of the vampire Lestat, on ice.

Jenny: I didn’t really imagine our teams going up against each other, but watch it missy.

Claire: OK, fair enough, fair enough.

Jenny: OK, so our next position is the pickpocket slash cat burglar. So, this is the one with the steadiest hands, who can perform any kind of job requiring sleight-of-hand, like stealing security cards. Claire wrote in our notes, “the one most likely to descend from the ceiling via a series of cables, or manoeuvre around a laser grid”. Fantastic.

Claire: I mean, that’s also from TV Tropes, but I wanted that in there because that’s my favourite thing about the cat burglar as like, you know, a type, a trope of character, like. Just the competency with which they can do that particular thing. Obviously competency porn is a really important aspect of any type of heist story, but the cat burglar really gets me. I’m, I’m so excited about this pick!!!

Jenny: (Laughs) Oh my

Claire: I picked Death from the Discworld. Because canonically, people do not notice Death, people make sure to avoid to notice Death, because it’s very uncomfortable to look at Death. Now, only children and cats and witches and wizards will notice Death, right. So you just need to make sure you’re not trying to pickpocket some witches or wizards, and just try to make sure that you get the children out of the way, so that no one says like, “who’s this person descending a wire?” or whatever. And then, also, death is so old and all-encompassing, that basically like, walls or things that are less than five million centuries old or whatever, that has no bearing on him and his person. He can just like, walk through walls. Which, on the one hand, I feel like, I’m a little sad because, you know, Parker didn’t go through the process of undoing this entire safe, and unlocking all the things and whatever, just for Death to just walk through walls and do the thing, but, it would be efficient.

Jenny: It would be extremely efficient, an asset to any caper crew. I chose John Constantine, from DC Comics. He died and came back to life, that’s kind of his origin story. And he really wants to do good, and I think that’s important because I have a couple of not-so moral people on my team, so I think it’s helpful to have a couple of people with a strong moral compass. Also, canonically he has experience in stage magic, so I think that he would be good at – yeah, so he can do sleight-of-hand, and he’s fun, I think he would be a fun, enjoyable addition to the team.

Claire: That’s really cool.

Jenny: Yeah.

Claire: Now, the next one is the Muscle, and I’m not going to read the TV Tropes description of the Muscle, because it’s all like, “the burly man who’s big”!

Jenny: Boo!

Claire: We all know what the Muscle does, we all know what the Muscle does, the Muscle intimidates, and body-guards, and all that kind of good stuff. Now I’m very curious to hear your pick for the Muscle, because I feel like my pick for the Muscle is my most legit pick of the entire list.

Jenny: Ooh, I’m worried we might, I’m a little worried about this one that we would overlap, and we’d have to fight it out.

Claire: OK, go go go.

Jenny: OK, I chose Buffy the Vampire Slayer —

Claire: Obviously!!! Obviously Buffy Summers, like. OK, fair.

Jenny: Wait, did we, because I have a back-up, I can choose my back-up.

Claire: No no, I don’t think we have to, do we have to, have —

Jenny: No, we can have the same one. They’re imaginary, so it doesn’t matter. Yeah! She’s scrappy, she has experience coping with a lot of bad guys at one time, and I think people would underestimate her because she is petite.

Claire: Yeah, and also, you know, she does have superpowers, basically. She is very strong.

Jenny: She’s very strong, I also, again, I wanted some people on my team who were good people, to keep the bad people in line, and I think that’s Buffy, I think Buffy would not agree to anything that was morally wrong, because she’s a good person, and she really cares about being a good person.

Claire: Yeah. I love how you had a thought about your whole team – like all of my thoughts about this was how to make it fit the actual competence that they can do, and how to make jokes that relate it to Leverage. I feel like your team is going to work a lot more cohesively over all as a lovely found family.

Jenny: Well, I haven’t gotten to my Driver yet, so we’ll see what you think when I get there.

Claire: OK, so, the Getaway Driver, that’s another one that I found a little bit tricky, because again, there’s a lot of fantasy about undead people and not a lot of sci-fi? And so, like.

Jenny: I’m so excited about my choice! Sorry, continue.

Claire: So my thought process behind this was to try and find somebody who could drive a whole bunch of different things? So obviously I went for King Boo from MarioKart, because it’s a driving game, he can drive lots of different things. And he’s a ghost!

Jenny: That is so good!

Claire: Thank you! (Both laugh) I want to hear yours!

Jenny: OK, so mine is the Lord of the Nazgûl, the Witch-king of Angmar —

Claire: Oh, so good!

Jenny: Isn’t that good, I’m so happy about it! He has a baller horse, and an even baller-er flying monster —

Claire: I did consider the Night King from Game of Thrones, because he’s got an undead snow dragon or whatever, but yours is better.

Jenny: Yeah, yeah. He is taciturn, but you don’t want a driver who’s a chatterbox you know? And, moreover, since no man can kill him, you now have a driver who can’t be killed by one entire gender, that’s like, a huge advantage.

Claire: Right, and also, if the thing that you’re stealing is the one ring of power, he does have a satnav built in.

Jenny: So true, so true!

Claire: But just if it’s that.

Jenny: Oh man, that’s amazing.

Claire: And the final place in this crew is something that you suggested.

Jenny: Yeah, so I suggested we have an audience stand-in, so someone who’s new to the biz, and excited to learn how everything works, and they help us, the audience, understand who every member of the crew is and what each of their jobs are and so forth. I kind of made this as like a swing position so that we could just add someone to the team that we like, so Claire, what did you choose for this?

Claire: So I didn’t actually go with like, oh here’s a person that I like that’s missing from this list, what I went with in the end was, who’s a person who would be a good stand-in for the audience? And so what I went with is newly-vampired Bella Swan, because, you know, canonically in the books she doesn’t really have that much of a personality, and it’s not to rag on those books, it’s just she’s a character who exists kind of as a stand-in for the audience anyway. Like, that’s kind of the point of that particular character I think in YA a lot of the time, and she’s made a vampire during the series, so there you go. But I would like to not have Edward or any of the Cullens or Jacob, or her creepy baby in the crew or anywhere near them, they can be her tragic past.

Jenny: Sounds perfect!

Claire: And also my crew now gets to have Kristen Stewart, so it’s now hotter and gayer.

Jenny: Yes, I would like to note I have two canonically bisexual characters on my team – actually no, three, because Jedao is also, as I recall, pansexual. OK, so my audience stand-in, I originally was going to have an X-man character, and then I was like well I can’t have two X-men on the team so I nixed it, and I was going to do Death of the Endless, but since I got rid of my X-men character I’m going back again, and now I will again choose Jubilee from the X-men, because she is young, she is enthusiastic to learn about things. People say she’s a pain in the ass, I think she just has a case of being a young woman in fiction.

Claire: Oh yeah, fair fair.

Jenny: And also, she has her own superpowers, so as she is with the team for longer she could start to take more of a role, and find which department she wants to specialise in, and I think that would be fun to witness also.

Claire: That’s really, really fun!

Jenny: Yeah!

Claire: I was also trying not to have too many people from the same properties, but I was also trying to have a good break down of what creatures people were. I tried to make sure I had a good coverage. So I’ve got a skeleton, I’ve got a spaceship that died and is an AI back to – maybe, I don’t know how to classify Justice of Toren. But, I’ve got a skeleton, I’ve got an AI come back to life, I’ve got a zombie, I’ve got Death, I’ve got someone who died and came back to life, a ghost, and a vampire.

Jenny: That’s very good.

Claire: And the thing I’m proudest of out of all of this is just the spread of undeadiness that I’ve got in there.

Jenny: Yes, you’ve done absolutely brilliantly. I didn’t even think about that, so I’ve got two vampires, two people who came back from the dead… yeah, so mine is a little more mixed.

Claire: But I think yours actually works better in terms of a narrative you could build with it. The other thing that I tried really really hard to do is I tried to pick people for the positions of hacker, thief and muscle, that could be in love. Because obviously I very very strongly care about the Leverage OT3, of the hacker, the thief and the muscle, Parker, Eliot and Hardison. And so I tried that really hard… and I ended up with Breq, Death and Buffy. Which Susan pointed out, that’s at least two people that are like, “what are those feeling things you speak of?!” which works really well with Leverage. I rest my case.

Jenny: That does go really well with Leverage. Mine is, mine doesn’t really work so well, I have, who do I have… I have Jedao, Constantine and Buffy. I just don’t think they would fall in love in the end, I don’t think they would.

Claire: So that was our undead heist caper crew, let us know on Twitter at @Readingtheend and @Radiofreefandom if you agree or disagree with our picks, and if you would pick other people for undead heistiness, and please watch Leverage.

Jenny: So good!

[Music break]

Claire: So for our recommendation segment today, we’re going to talk about stuff that we’ve loved in the break, and that is since about March or April, something like that, so we have a lot of things to cover. Do you want to start us off, Jenny?

Jenny: Yeah, so, there’s no way that you could have predicted I was going to say this, because I have given no indication at all that this is what I’m currently obsessed with, but, I am currently obsessed with Leverage. I started watching it a couple of years ago and I think what went wrong – two things I think went wrong. One, I got distracted because I was not a finisher at that time, and I am a finisher now. Two, I was much less aware of fandom back then, so I don’t think I fully appreciated how super super shippy it is. Which is, very, especially in seasons 4 and 5, which I am now in. And in case you’re not familiar, it’s a heist show, there is a found family of five people, who all have jobs on the heist team, and they love each other and they do crimes to stop the rich from being terrible. And it is so great, it’s the best comfort food, I love it.

Claire: Yeah, I mean I have been watching Leverage and I think I was watching Leverage before the break and already started talking about it. I need to finish Leverage, I need to watch seasons 4 and 5, because I am ready for even more shippiness than earlier in the show. Like literally came to this show from fandom, and didn’t realise that Parker, Hardison, Eliot aren’t the main characters. I literally thought it was a show about Parker, like Parker was the main person —

Jenny: I wish!

Claire: I wish too! But since we’re talking about Leverage now, I need to tell you all that you will hear more about Leverage this season on Radio Free Fandom, because we’re going to have a full Leverage episode later in the series, we’re also going to have episodes about other things that I was talking about before the break and that I am still obsessed with, things like She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, whatever is going on these days in the MCU, also the Hugo Awards. And we’ll be talking about some newer stuff that’s been happening since then, like the juggernaut that’s taken over fandom, Good Omens. As well as the Veronica Mars revival, for good or bad or whatever value of that, we’ll be talking about it.

Jenny: Sounds great, I’m very excited. I’m especially excited obviously about the Leverage episode, and I hope it includes fic recs.

Claire: It definitely definitely will, because, not to spoil too much ahead of time, but Chelsea will be on it.

Jenny: Great, great.

Claire: OK, now that I’ve teased what’s coming up on the podcast a little bit, do you want to tell me your next thing you’ve loved in the break?

Jenny: Yes, I would love to. So, this is actually going to be one of my favourite books of the entire year. Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me, by Mariko Tamaki and Rosemary Valero-O’Connell. I’m just so high on this book, it’s a YA comic about a girl named Freddy, who’s dating this very flighty, charming unreliable girl called Laura Dean, and Freddy is trying to figure out who she is as a person, and also who she is when she’s in a relationship with Laura Dean. It’s really great for a number of reasons. The art is gorgeous, and I think does a really tremendous job of conveying the characters’ interiority. I also think, and I’ve thought this about Mariko Tamaki’s books in the past, I think it just really clearly remembers what it’s like to be a teenager. And it just felt, I was not the teenager who went out and did parties, which these kids are, but even so, it felt so familiar, it felt so much like what I remembered of being a teenager, and how you just never felt like the ground was solid under you. So that was really great, I also love that it’s about a queer character and she has queer friends, I think that often, if there’s a queer character in YA friends they’ll be the only one among their friend group, which I don’t think is realistic, and also just creates this false sense of isolation around queerness, so I loved seeing her be in a supportive group of friends. And God, it was just great, it was so great, I felt so good when I finished it, I recently reread it, again, and I, again, felt amazing when I finished it. It’s just the best, everyone should read it.

Claire: I’m definitely going to look that up!

Jenny: Oh, it’s so sweet, I think you’ll really love it. It’s so sweet!

Claire: Now, my first pick for this is something that, if anyone’s been following me on social media you’re probably not too surprised, but, it’s the TV show Schitt’s Creek, which. Jenny, if you haven’t seen it, I think you would also like it. The high level pitch is basically that it’s this family of incredibly, incredibly, incredibly wealthy people, who in the first three-minute cold open of the show basically lose their entire fortune because their crooked business manager basically went away to the Bahamas with all their money. And so, they have found themselves with nothing to their name but like a suitcase of belongings, and a town that the dad bought his son as a gift, as a joke, because the town’s name is Schitt’s Creek. So they go to Schitt’s Creek with a suitcase of fabulous clothing each, and they get a room at the local motel, and they have to learn how to have actual life skills, and be a family. The first season is a little bit more shaky, because it’s trying to introduce the thing, and it’s a bit – I think it just takes them a while to figure out exactly what they’re doing. But, it kind of turns into the most gentle, loving ribbing of these people, and the joke is always that they have no life skills, and it’s never at the expense of the people in the town, who are just normal people trying to live their lives. The relationships that it starts to build, the way the characters kind of grow into a loving family is just amazing. And it’s just so kind, and it’s about people trying their hardest, which really really just hits me in the feels.

Jenny: Yeah man, I. So I haven’t watched it yet, all of the internet, like everyone I know is obsessed with this show. The only reason I haven’t is that I’m a finisher now so I’m trying to finish shows I’ve already started. Because, the reason I never finish any goddamn shows is that something like this always comes along, and I’m like ooh, this sounds good!

Claire: Yeah, fair! That’s really fair.

Jenny: And then I’ll watch one season or a season and a half, and then some other thing will be the thing that everyone’s obsessed with, so I like jump ship immediately. So I’m goddamn finishing Leverage, and then I’m going to finish Jane the Virgin, and then I’m going to finish Killjoys, and I think once I’ve done that, then at that point, I can take on something new.

Claire: It would be really sad if you started watching Schitt’s Creek, you got through like season 1 and season 2, and then you stopped when it’s getting like, amazing. It’s good in the early seasons, it just gets really, really, really amazing later in the run of the show. Season 5 is now out, there’s one more coming out, and then it will all be done and then you can watch it when it’s all finished and finish it, because it is so so good, and I love it so much.

Jenny: It’s a half-hour comedy, right?

Claire: Yeah, I think it’s a twenty minute show. Because, I actually had a sleepover at my best friend’s house that was like a craft weekend with her and a couple of other friends of ours, and I showed up and they were watching Schitt’s Creek, and they had started like in the middle of season 3, for people who have seen it they started at the episode where Patrick showed up, and then they had it on the entire time, and so I showed up, and I had said I would cook some food, so I’m cooking some food and not really paying attention to the show, and they’re kind of explaining to me what’s going on with it and what’s happening and who the people are, and by the time I sat down to actually watch it, was the episode where the main couple that I’m now obsessed with get together in the actual show, it has canonical queer representation in the show – this is not a Schitt’s Creek episode! A Schitt’s Creek episode will happen in this season of this very podcast, so I’m going to stop talking about it now and we’re going to talk about your next thing.

Jenny: OK, but I do look forward to watching Schitt’s Creek, and I do think half-hour comedies are easier to binge, so I’m about it.

(Quick break)

Jenny: OK, my next thing is, I signed up for a poem-a-day email, and I’ve really been loving it. I don’t tend to think of myself as a poetry person, partly because a lot of the poetry that I read I don’t like, but what I think is true, and if you’re a poetry person feel free to tell me I’m wrong, but I think it’s the case that you in general will not like most poetry that you read, because poetry is aiming directly for your heart, and so since people have very different hearts, inevitably a lot of poems’ll miss the mark. So doing a poem-a-day subscription has been fantastic, because I get exposed to a really wide range of poets. I originally signed up for the poets.org poem-a-day and it didn’t suit my needs, so now I’m using the Poetry Foundation poem-a-day newsletter, and it’s been great, they have a really nice variety, diversity of voices, a diversity of ages of poems. One that I got that I really liked recently was called ‘Vines’ by Kaveh Akbar, and it has this line in it, he’s talking about his family, and saying some compliment that they’ve given him, and he says, ‘I thank them for that and / for their chromosomes most of which // have been lovely’.

Claire: That’s cute.

Jenny: Yeah, so it’s been really nice, and it’s also just a nice thing to look forward to in the morning, because a poem is short and you can read it real quick. And I feel like I got culture first thing in the morning.

Claire: That’s really lovely, I think I’ve only got a couple of newsletters that I actually read. I very assiduously read the Rec Center when that comes out, I’m sure listeners to this podcast will already know about it because I’ve mentioned it a bunch of times on this show, but the Rec Center is a newsletter for fandom about fandom with fandom recommendations. And, also I really enjoy the Full Lid which is Alasdair Stuart’s newsletter, Alasdair is a friend of mine, and a genuine really good egg, like a very kind person who’s super enthusiastic about things, and it comes out on a Friday when I’m feeling tired and grumpy, and I still have one more day in my week, because I work Tuesdays to Saturdays, so it’s my Thursday which is the worst, and it just always cheers me up.

Jenny: That sounds great! Yeah I love the Rec Center, they had, not to be predictable, but they had a very, very excellent piece of – Claire’s making quite a face – they had a very excellent piece of fanart in the most recent Rec Center newsletter that was of Toby Stephens in Black Sails and my word, it was certainly something.

Claire: I mean, to be fair, I haven’t seen Black Sails yet, but I’m onboard with Toby Stephens is hot because I’m a person that enjoys gentlemen, so.

Jenny: Yeah, I mean, and let me just say, if you already think Toby Stephens is hot, watching Black Sails will be like a whole, it’s like a new dimension in your brain opens up for finding Toby Stephens attractive.

Claire: I know, I know Jenny, but the thing is, it’s such a long show, and it’s going to ruin my feelings, and I can tell it’s going to be the deepest fandom hole that I’ve been in since Les Mis, and I just.

Jenny: What I’m hearing you say is, “Try really hard to convince me Jenny, you will find it rewarding once you do.”

Claire: I mean the thing is I know, it’s not a question of an if, it’s a question of when I have time, but we know that I don’t really do having time.

Jenny: I hear you, oh my gosh, it’s so good. Well, listen listen, here’s the upside. The fandom… I don’t want to say the fandom is trash, but it ships the wrong thing, it’s very wrong, it’s unfortunately extremely wrong, so although I would like to be in the fandom, it’s too wrong for me to be in it. So, I just have the show mainly, and there’s a couple of fics that are really really good, but overall it’s not for me.

Claire: Oh, that’s really sad, I’m so sorry!

Jenny: It is really sad, thank you for understanding!

Claire: My next pick is the novel Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. This is a royalty AU fanfic of a book, basically. This is a story about a British prince, and the first son of the United States, he’s the son of the first female president of the US, and he’s a queer latino kid, and he’s in a kind of weird, they don’t talk to each other but they both know they hate each other relationship with the prince of England. And then they go to this reception together and basically get in an argument and inadvertently break some shit, and they have to do a PR stunt that they are best friends, and it was an accident, because they are best friends! And so they are kind of thrown together. And then they start having this really weird friendship that works because of their different positions, basically jobs that they have as public figures, and of course that goes into a romantic relationship. And there are a lot of tropes in this that are, you know if you’re familiar with royalty AUs in fanfic, you will see the same tropes, so I need to give a content warning for characters being outed. If you have read royalty AUs and you’re like, ooh I can imagine how that would happen in a royalty AU, it happens like that. It’s like, the press being shitty basically. So I don’t feel like that’s a massive spoiler because it’s just like, how this very precise subgenre of fanfic that I adore functions. Now, there’s been some controversy around this book about like, the way that it’s being marketed in very much a “this has never been done before!” “this is like YA but better because!” “this is romance but better because!” “It’s never been done before!” … It’s obviously been done before. I saw the title and the blurb and I was like, yep, I know exactly what kind of book it’s going to be and I’m going to love it. I do think it’s a really good book, and obviously the author didn’t come up with the concept of a royalty AU, but it’s a really good example of that genre, and it also has a lot of really lovely stuff about the presidency and politics and campaigning and stuff like that. I wonder if maybe that might be a little bit difficult to read or fraught to read for US readers, because it has stuff about having a female president and how campaigning works and all of that, that I thought, ooh that’s a bit soon, and it’s not even something that I personally have to live with every day, so, you know, eh. I feel like I’m giving too many warnings for this thing that I adore and I think people should read, but, there you go.

Jenny: No, I don’t think you are, that’s just useful, then people know, so they can approach it in the best spirit, I think that’s solid. Yeah, I’m excited to read that book, I keep checking at my library and it’s always checked out, so I just this minute while you were talking put a hold on it, because it does sound really cute and sweet.

Claire: Yay!

Jenny: OK, my next one is Six the Musical, which is a musical about Henry the eighth’s six wives, kind of as if they were the Spice Girls, basically. I did not discover this musical for the first time during podcast hiatus, but I did go see it for the first time during podcast hiatus, so I think it counts. I saw it in Chicago at the Chicago Shakespeare Theatre, and it was so much fun. If you’ve listened to it you probably already really like the soundtrack, but seeing the show is really great because the energy is really high, the performers are really engaged with the audience, and it was just a really really really really really fun musical to see. I think it’s in London and Boston right now, and it will also be opening on Broadway in New York next year, so if you’re in any of those places I really recommend it. If you can’t go see it because tickets to musicals are expensive, I do still recommend listening to the London cast recording, it bangs. And it’s just so much fun, I love it so much. I love it!

Claire: Yeah, it is a really really fun show, I haven’t actually heard the album, but I went to see it, so I’ve seen the London production, and it’s almost more like a concert than a musical? Obviously there’s loads of cool costume changes and there’s a lot of cool scenery onstage, but there’s also a band, isn’t there a band onstage? I thought there was like, drums if I’m remembering correctly.

Jenny: Yes, there’s a little band. In the Chicago production they introduce each of the band members, it was really sweet, it was really nice.

Claire: I mean, you kind of have to do that if they’re onstage I think. But that’s like a trope, if you want to use that word, of concerts, right, and they do do that, so that’s kind of what I mean by it’s very concert-y. I really enjoyed it, I thought it was really fun, I’m not somebody who knows a lot about this particular period of British history, I’ve done a lot more contemporary British history, so it was kind of fun to go and see because I didn’t know a lot of the details, and a lot of the timeframe of the thing.

Jenny: Well, apply to me if you ever want to know details, I know a lot of things. I was in a very major Tudors phase when I was a young teenager, so.

Claire: Oh yes, I do recall that you have a lot of opinions about Mary Queen of Scots.

Jenny: Yes I do, yes I do! What an idiot! We don’t have to get into it, but what an idiot, oh my god.

Claire: (Laughs) No no, I mean, I recall you specifically having a lot of opinions about movies and media depictions of Mary Queen of Scots, and various other things that I thought, “Sure, that’s a thing I don’t know anything about, but I will trust Jenny’s opinion on these things.”

Jenny: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Claire: So my next favourite thing is more of a genre of a thing, it’s TV shows that are very specific competitions. And not really mean competitions like Project Runway or something like that where people snipe at each other, I mean Great British Bakeoff-style competitions where it’s just a particular trade, or a particular type of thing, like, we’ve got a Great British Sewing Bee in the UK as well, which is amazing and I really like needlecrafts as well, so it works great for me. But there are more shows just like that that have this kind of, how kind, that have people helping each other. I have loved Faceoff for a really long time, it’s just not available to watch anywhere in the UK, so it makes me really sad. But, there are two that are available to watch in the UK, and that makes me so happy. The first I know you watch also, and that is Blown Away, which is the Netflix glass-blowing competition, which was amazing! Which showcased this really uncommon, obscure skill that people don’t really know about, and is fascinating, and also, every episode they talk about glory-holes a bunch of times, which is really funny, because that’s just a funny word!

Jenny: (Giggles) Yes they do, it’s hilarious!

Claire: It’s one of the like, ovens, I guess? That they use? And they all talk about it with an extremely straight face, which I love.

Jenny: Yes, yes, they do, there’s no winking at the camera, although if it were me that would be all that I was doing.

Claire: Yeah, for sure, for sure. And the other thing I’m not sure if that’s going to be available for people to watch outside of the UK, but it is a show called The Great Model Railway Challenge, which is a show… where they make model railways. Like!

Jenny: I could never have guessed.

Claire: But it’s so, so fun! I would say the one drawback to it is that it tends to be teams of older white dudes, there’s not that many women or people of colour, I mean they are there, obviously they’re there, because every kind of thing, like model railway building or science fiction and fantasy where people tell you “oh it’s a thing of white dudes!” it’s not, it’s not, we’ve always been around, we’re there, but… I would say, it is kind of still predominant, but it’s such a fun show. They basically have three teams come in that are local model railway building clubs from around the country, and they give them this big table, and they have to build a model railway on a theme in three days. So they start by putting out the tracks, and making sure all the trains run, and then they have to build this massive bit of scenery around it. They are allowed to bring some stuff from home, but they have to only bring a certain amount of buildings that they have premade from home, and so sometimes you get into a situation where someone is like “yes, this row of houses is one of our pre-built!” and the judges are like, “noooo.” That’s the level of drama that we get. You also get lovely shots of people drinking tea and eating biscuits, because that’s very important.

Jenny: Yes. That sounds wonderful. I too am a big fan of kind reality shows, and I actually read a thing on NPR recently talking about how Netflix is really cornering the market on kind reality shows in America, so you know, someone’s on it, it’s not going to stop with Blown Away, I hope.

Claire: Yeah, there’s also a Lego one in the UK actually. I didn’t mention it because it’s not on at the minute, but there’s like a Lego-building show, and they have a lot of teams that are like, a kid and their uncle or something.

Jenny: Aww!

Claire: There’s adult teams, and then kids, and there’s teams that are like two kids sometimes that do really really well because they are so imaginative. Then they have teams that are like, “Yes, I’m eight, and my dad is an engineer, and we have built the Eiffel Tower in Lego!” Something like that, it’s just really good.

Jenny: It sounds wonderful!

(Quick break)

Jenny: OK, my last pick is the Psychology of Time Travel by Kate Mascarenhas. Oh my god, I loved this book so much, I don’t understand why everyone’s not reading it and talking about it. This is another one that’s definitely going to be in my top five books of the year. And, like Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me, it is mostly about women. This is about an alternate universe where time travel gets invented in England after World War II, and this whole time travel agency gets created. It’s told in multiple timelines, as you would expect from a time travel book, and there’s just so many moving parts, so what’s amazing is that it works really well together, all the different moving parts just click together so beautifully, I never knew what was coming next, I would get finished with a chapter and just be like, I have no idea what’s going to happen. It’s nominally a murder mystery, but you start out not even knowing actually who got murdered. It’s just great, it’s inventive, it’s queer, it’s unexpected, and I have not read a time travel book in a really long time that I thought did such an amazing job of characters, and plot, and I just loved it. And there are almost no men in it, which is great.

Claire: Have you read the time travel novellas by Kate Heartfield, Alice Payne Arrives and Alice Payne Rides? Because I thought they did that thing that you describe really really well, the time travel timey-wimeyness.

Jenny: Yes, so I read the first one, I haven’t read the second one yet. I enjoyed it a lot yeah, for sure.

Claire: Would recommend the second one.

Jenny: I’m all-in for time travel. I’m excited to read it, my library doesn’t have it yet unfortunately.

Claire: Hopefully soon!

Jenny: I know!

[Music break]

Claire: Well that’s all we have time for today, but before we go, Jenny, can you tell people a little bit more about where they can find you online?

Jenny: Yes! So I am at readingtheend.com where I blog and podcast, and I’m also on Twitter @readingtheend, and I think that’s it, those are my main two places.

Claire: Awesome, awesome, thank you so much for joining me Jenny, I was so happy to do this game with you today.

Jenny: Thank you so much for having me on, I’m so delighted that you humoured me and agreed to do my fantasy draft!

Claire: It was a lot of fun! So, thanks again for joining me, and thank you to all of you for tuning in to Radio Free Fandom. You can find us on Twitter at @radiofreefandom, email us at radiofreefandom@gmail.com, or head over to our website radiofreefandom.com to see the show notes and find out more about our awesome guests. If you enjoy the show, please consider leaving us a rating or a review on iTunes as that might do something, we’re not sure, but it might help. We are also on Patreon at patreon.com/ClaireRousseau if you would like to support us with money. Or you can just tell people about the show on the Twitters. Our show music is Super Friendly by Kevin MacLeod, find out more at incompetech.com.

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[robpoolephotos]

This month we have yet another member of the inimitable AllFormat Collective. Ioana Marinca. Ioana is an analogue photographer who’s touching documentary work made me hunt her down on Instagram and she kindly agreed to an interview.

RP: Hi Ioana, (or is it Transilvirish?), thanks for agreeing to talk to us to start please tell us a bit about yourself.

Thank you very much for having me Robert! I should probably clarify the name first. Yes it’s Ioana [Yoanna], born in Transylvania and moved to the Republic of Ireland with my parents where I finished my education. I sound a little Irish now, so when a friend suggested the name I thought it was fitting.

RP: what inspired you to become a photographer?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently. I remember as a schoolgirl having notebooks with drawings, you’d pass them around your group of friends for them to leave their mark, we called them memory notebooks (caiet de amintiri). Around the same time my dad suggested I keep a diary, but although I tried it I was never a huge fan of writing. So when Dad bought the first family camera for the family, I sort of took control and have been shooting ever since. It’s my way of keeping a diary.

RP: you are the second member of All Format Collective to be interviewed (the other being Nick Mayo), how did you get involved with them and how has it helped your photography?

Honoured to follow Nick, he’s a great guy! Actually it’s all by chance, but the AllFormat group have been my inspiration to shoot film. Met James (@go_jmo) in London and we couldn’t stop talking photography, music, books, etc. I was shooting digital at the time, but was spurred on to try film and seem to have found my direction since. I call it the snowball effect: shooting film made me question more, think more, learn a lot more which then led to joining a darkroom collective (The Gate at Thames-side Studios), a group exhibition with them and more recently joining AllFormat.

RP: Can you tell us more about The Gate Darkroom?

The Gate are a non-profit studio offering memberships or seasonal use of their black & white darkroom facilities and also run workshops. They moved near the Thames barrier last year which is when I joined them. The site itself is beautiful – there’s the Iris shipwreck and an old plastic factory nearby and lots of other studios on site, it feels like an oasis of calm away from London. The members I’ve met so far are fantastic and have a wide range of photography skills. We have an upcoming open studio weekend on 9-10 June, anyone in London interested in analog photography should come say hello!

RP: You have some great projects on your website, I was particularly touched by “Francis”, how did this come about?

Thank you very much. Francis is a very interesting character, he will turn 105 in July which I still can’t get over. A friend I’ve known since kindergarten moved to London with his wife and lived with Francis for a few years. When I first met Francis, he was still very much independent. His physical strength has since deteriorated but his mind is miles sharper than mine. He was born in 1913 in Hungary so just imagine the stories he has. Another photographer friend tried to take his portrait but apparently Francis wasn’t in a great mood that day. I’m delighted he allowed me that afternoon. Francis was an amateur conductor and insisted to be photographed with his baton. He’s written a book but think it’s un-published, I really need to find the copy I was given.

RP: Can you share with us what you’re working on at the moment?

Sure, I’ve got a couple of digital projects I need to wrap up but on the analog front I’m selecting work for the upcoming AllFormat zine issue 3. Also planning a solo zine with the work I’ve shot over the last two years – the current title I have is Thinking of Home. Having lived in three different countries (and fallen in love with a fourth, New Zealand) they’ve all contributed to who I am as a person and as a photographer. When I say ‘I’m going home’ the next question was often ‘which one? Where do you feel at home?’ and the honest answer is many different places. Sometimes a stranger can, in a few seconds, make you feel like you’ve known them for years.

RP: What/who inspires your photography?

As a general rule, people inspire me. The list of photographers who have influenced my style is ever-growing, but apart from the AllFormat team (they’ve been huge influences!) a good summary is Christopher Anderson, Rena Effendi, Davin Ellicson, David Goldblatt, Graciela Magnoni, Anthony Suau and Vanessa Winship. I’ve finally discovered Susan Lipper too (took me a while) and am lucky to have a copy of Grapevine, think it’s my favourite photo book.

RP: What does photography mean to you?

Everything! When I’m not in the office or asleep, I do or think of little else other than photography. But for me, photography also means the intellectual discussion you can have with someone on the topic, analysing and learning from photo books and keeping an open mind about what photography is. Someone else’s particular style may not be to my taste now, but could easily influence my future work if there’s meaning behind it.

RP: What cameras/lenses/films do you shoot with and why?

Depends on the day. My favourite is the Leica M6 + 35mm Summicron combination. Kit (from AllFormat) very kindly lent me a zoom lens (80-200) for my Nikon FM2 and I can’t wait to try it out. Never got this close in street, but I love what both Kit and Shane Taylor (@heroesforsale) do with their close-ups. Or closer still, Christopher Anderson’s recent pictures from China – a book due out later this year. I also have a Mamiya RZ67 but I’ve only taken one good picture with it so far. In terms of film, primarily HP5. I’ve recently played with some colour film too, will see if any good ones.

RP: what’s your main reason for shooting film?

I love that it’s slowed me down. Working in the City means I’ve been multitasking for 11 years and it started influencing my behaviour outside the office. In conversations I’d constantly jump from a topic to another, interrupting people, or even simple tasks at home: at any point in time I’d start five separate things and get distracted by the sixth. Film and developing it at home has slowed me down, you can’t rush the chemicals! I also question why I press the shutter more, because there’s a direct cost to that exposure, more than you would feel with digital. So I’d better have a good reason for making that exposure.

RP: Any anecdotes you can share from your time as a photographer?

Always be 100% certain there’s film in your camera. I shot what felt like a good roll until I got to the 37th, 38th, 39th exposure and thought “wait a minute…”.

RP: What are you looking for in a photo?

Meaning, a story, a reason. Whether the picture is part of a series of carefully sequenced single images, a story on a particular topic or an investigation spanning years – as long as there is thought behind the picture, it will be great.

RP: Biggest regret relating to photography?

Most recent one is letting a young woman with pink hair and matching pink jacket get away before I had asked her for a portrait. But whether photography related or otherwise I don’t really have big regrets.

RP: Any closing comments?

Thank you very much for having me, you’ve got a great collection of photographers on here.

www.ioanamarinca.com

www.allformatcollective.com

www.thegatedarkroom.co.uk – open studio 9/10 June

In Conversation with Ioana Marinca @ioanamarinca of #allformatcollective and @thegatedarkroom #believeinfilm #shootfilmbenice #filmphotography #filmisnotdead #35mm #analog #filmcamera #analogphotography #staybrokeshootfilm This month we have yet another member of the inimitable AllFormat Collective. Ioana Marinca. Ioana is an analogue photographer who's touching documentary work made me hunt her down on Instagram and she kindly agreed to an interview.

[samuelpboswell]

Here we Grow Again: Welcome New VP Katie Uphus to TopRank Marketing

TopRank Marketing evolved from PR to digital marketing agency in the mid 2000’s, right about the time our new VP of Operations got into agency project management.

Twelve years and multiple advancements from a creative agency Director of Production to Senior Director of Operations later, Katie Uphus has now joined the team as Vice President at TopRank Marketing.

Talent is what makes our agency magical for our B2B clients and we’re excited to bring Katie on board. Her experience developing teams, coordinating workflow and marketing operations will help us establish the framework for an environment where each of our team can become the best they can be in their respective roles.

At the same time, we’re focused on optimizing how our teams work together in order to deliver the best possible solutions for our clients and a satisfying work environment for our professional team of smart, creative and results-focused marketers.

My co-founder Susan Misukanis and I are committed to supporting the team at TopRank Marketing with the best talent we can find. We have 5 new team members joining the agency in November and several more Account Managers, Content Marketers, Social Media Specialists and Influence Marketing Specialists to be added through the rest of Q4 and into the new year. Here is a list of our open positions.

As part of Katie’s introduction to the TopRank Marketing community, I’ve asked her to share a little about herself from background to thoughts on the industry to my favorite social network word association game.

What is your background working in the marketing agency world?

For the past 12 years I’ve been at StoneArch, a Minneapolis health and medical marketing agency, where I served in various management and leadership roles. Prior to that, I spent nearly 10 years at Optum. In the early days, when Optum was an employee assistance program, I was a counselor and management consultant, and eventually moved into marketing and product management.

What do you love most about digital marketing?

I like that brands are being pushed to create better and more meaningful experiences for people–beyond the usual “hard sell,” and actually finding ways to be useful to people.

What are some of the most important lessons you’ve learned when it comes to managing marketing teams?

Good collaboration comes when each individual from each discipline understands and appreciates the value of the other’s contribution. With clear guiding principles and some form of process or structure to guide the work, smart individuals can make big things happen.

It’s still early days in your time with TopRank Marketing, but so far, what excites you the most about the agency?

TopRank Marketing is ahead of the curve in the content marketing space–real thought leaders in the world of influencer marketing. They are their own, best case study for how to do it right….not the typical “cobbler with no shoes” scenario. There’s a real sense of excitement and curiosity on the team–they inspire and energize each other!

What are some of your overall goals for 2018?

My main goal will be to optimize the efforts of all the smart people of TopRank. They are doing amazing work; I can help bring greater alignment between people and systems and processes to support growth. In order to do this, it will be important for each team member to explore and develop their own professional identity and goals; I want to help with this. It’s the most exciting aspect of the work for me.

Now for some fun questions:

Where would you go on a dream vacation?

My adventuresome mom, Rose, traveled the world and would come home with stories that were so enchanting and thrilling to me. In particular, I was taken by the way she described Portugal–the feeling it evoked in her–homey and foreign at once. The treacherous driving and the blue, blue water; the caves where they made wine and whiskey, and the pottery, of course. The warm, welcoming people. The patrons playing the piano in the basement pub of the ancient palace where they stayed. It’s been on the top of my list ever since she came back. I hope it’s exactly as she recalls.

What is your favorite band, book and movie?

Music: Nina Simone is my current obsession. I’m a big Lucinda Williams fan…and I have a deep love-hate for Dylan. Favorite book might still be The Catcher in the Rye. Movie: Muriel’s Wedding always lifts my spirits, if I make it through the end.

What do you love most about Minnesota?

The month of October is magical to me. And family, of course: ten of my eleven siblings live here in Minnesota–several recently returned after many years away. I left for a few years too, after college–to Alaska then the San Francisco Bay Area, both of which l still have a great fondness for, but Minneapolis is home.

What brings you joy?

Young Joni’s clam pizza and Indeed’s Peach Bum IPA at the moment. The many lovely children in my life.

Let’s play word association. I’ll list some social networks and you share the first word(s) that come to mind:

Facebook – Russian trolls

Twitter – Donald Trump

LinkedIn – Impressively less spammy these days

Instagram – Fun and personal visual storytelling

Snapchat – Are they profitable yet?

YouTube – My go-to for cooking tutorials

Pinterest – Great for big life moments

Tumblr – Meme generator

Reddit – Same as above

Google+ – Never bothered

WhatsApp – Free calls to my sister in England!

Flickr – GenX Instagram

Thanks for playing along with my questions Katie and welcome to the TopRank Marketing team!

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