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mikewytrykus · 4 years ago

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Carl Reiner: Write What You Know

When I was a student at Columbia College Chicago, I had a Studies in Television class about The Dick Van Dyke Show. What follows is the essay I wrote for my final paper about its creator, the recently passed comedy legend Carl Reiner. It’s about 1,700 words. I hope you’ll enjoy reading it.

I have been a fan of the work of Carl Reiner for a long time – longer than I had, until recently, realized. I had never noticed before that he was the director of such movies as Oh God!, as well as the early films of Steve Martin (not all of which I have seen, but I have enjoyed those that I did see). And even before I knew who Carl Reiner was, I was a fan of the work of his son Rob Reiner. I watched All in the Family long before I had ever seen an episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show. And The Princess Bride, a classic of the fantasy-adventure genre, remains one of my all-time favorite films. Later on, when I began watching The Dick Van Dyke Show, I did not immediately realize that the actor playing Alan Brady was in fact the creative genius behind the entire series. I did not notice that this one man scripted the bulk of the episodes, including many of its best. I had not yet come to fully appreciate the talent and brilliance of Carl Reiner. That is something I have only achieved through this course. I have a new respect and admiration for the man, truly one of the great comedians of our time. The series he created has been a favorite of mine since I discovered it through reruns on Nick-at-Nite and will remain one of my favorites for as long as I live. I will examine Carl Reiner’s various roles throughout the production of The Dick Van Dyke Show and show that this actor turned writer-producer was truly a force to be reckoned with in the field of comedy.

When I began watching The Dick Van Dyke Show, I slowly became more familiar with the work of the cast and crew of the series. Once I had learned who Carl Reiner was – the creator of the series as well as its chief writer and producer – I discovered his early work on Your Show of Shows. I knew, for the most part, who Sid Caesar was. I was probably most familiar with him from the classic comedy film It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World – which also featured Reiner in a small role as an airport control tower operator. I knew of Imogene Coca and Howie Morris – the latter more from his cartoon voice over work. I had never seen the show, but I knew it was a landmark television series, essentially the Saturday Night Live of its day. I’ve since learned that it was Reiner’s experiences on this series and with the people that have worked on it that formed the basis for The Dick Van Dyke Show. It was through Your Show of Shows that Reiner began a long lasting friendship and professional partnership with the great Mel Brooks, who I should not have been surprised, was the inspiration for the human joke machine that is Buddy Sorrel. Reiner was primarily a performer on the show but eventually became an uncredited contributor in the writers’ room. However, his alter ego on The Dick Van Dyke Show would be the series’ head writer, an embellishment that I’m sure delighted Reiner to no end.

It is the creation of this series and Reiner’s alter ego Robert Petrie that most impresses me about the man. Trying to break into the arena of television sitcoms, unable to find a vehicle fitting of his talents, Carl Reiner took it upon himself to create his own series – partially at the urging of his wife Estelle. Reiner believed in the old adage “write what you know” and thought about what experiences he could draw upon that others might not. It occurred to him to base his series on his life and career as a performer and writer on Sid Caesar’s television series. It also occurred to him to not only draw upon his professional life, but his personal one as well, and show the two worlds his main character would inhabit: the world of his job as a television writer and his world at home as a husband and father. Reiner then proceeded with the unprecedented endeavor of writing thirteen complete episodes for this series in a single summer. It is this feat of dedication and productivity that most inspires and encourages me. It shows what a creative individual can accomplish when he or she sets his mind on a task, a goal, and commits to it. It remains a grand accomplishment in spite of Reiner’s initial setbacks in getting the series off the ground. Reiner’s series, dubbed Head of the Family, would make it to the pilot stage and, for at least a time, no further. It’s rather ironic that one of the biggest problems with this incarnation of the series is the performance of Reiner himself. One would think that a man would be most qualified to play himself, but apparently this was not true in Reiner’s case.

We can thank the efforts of executive producer Sheldon Leonard for salvaging Reiner’s fledgling series and setting him onto his true path, as the show’s writer and producer. It is was here that Carl Reiner truly shined. The shear workload that Carl Reiner endured throughout the first two seasons of The Dick Van Dyke Show is striking, one might even say Herculean. As producer, Reiner’s responsibilities included the supervision of casting, staging, scoring and editing of each season’s thirty some episodes, in addition to his duties as writer and story editor. Nearly two-thirds of the episodes aired in the first two seasons were written by Carl Reiner, and there was almost no episode that went completely untouched by his creative hands; many of these episodes were polished or rewritten by him as well. How Reiner was able to endure this staggering workload is nothing short of amazing, almost miraculous. However, it was not something the overworked creator could endure forever. Fortunately for Reiner, and for fans of the show everywhere, help arrived in the third season in the form of screenwriters Bill Persky and Sam Denoff. It is because of these unlikely saviors lessening his burden of responsibility that we were able to enjoy Reiner’s efforts in front of the camera as well as behind during the series’ final two seasons. It is here that Reiner was able to return to his first desire – performing – as the vain, egomaniacal, overbearing television star Alan Brady.

If Rob Petrie was the alter ego of Reiner himself, then Alan Brady represented Sid Caesar, as well as many other vaudevillian stars of early television. When one considers what kind of a man and a boss that Reiner was – he only lost his temper on set once and was a genuinely gracious person to work for – it’s a testament to his acting abilities that he delivered such a believable and hilarious performance. Alan was loud, domineering, arrogant, self-centered, often cruel, but always funny. He was the living embodiment of every big shot television star that was completely full of himself, and added a welcome dynamic to the show. As if beleaguered producer Mel Cooley hadn’t suffered enough thanks to Buddy’s constant insults, he now had his belligerent brother-in-law to contend with. But Mel was not the only target of Alan’s pompous anger. I doubt anyone on the cast avoided being walked all over by Alan, and I would say Rob suffered more than anyone. Everyone was terrified of Alan Brady, and with good reason. He held the collective destiny of our favorite characters in his hand. The threat of being fired loomed constantly overhead and led to some great comedic moments, even when the threat was idle or completely non-existent. Whether it was Rob forced to ghost doctor the lackluster play for Alan’s Broadway debut or the whole staff offering their writing services to a snail, the prospect of unemployment was never funnier. Not even friends and family were safe as Laura, Millie and Jerry were all caught in the wake of hurricane Alan.

Writer, producer, performer, Carl Reiner was at least a triple threat. Like nearly everyone in the cast of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Reiner was as multitalented and versatile as they come. Always a class act, forever striving for excellence and devoted to bringing to life “one man’s reality”, Reiner worked fervently for over five years to make the series he had created one of the best television shows ever to grace the airwaves. It is for this reason that he and Dick Van Dyke chose to end the show after its fifth season. Like any good showman, Reiner wanted to go out on a high note and leave the crowd wanting more. It may have been the end of his sitcom, but it was hardly the end of his career.

Carl Reiner would continue to be a driving force in comedy and moved on to become a writer and director of feature films, including the movie based on the novel Enter Laughing that he wrote in the late 1950s that was a precursor to his work on The Dick Van Dyke Show. He kept working in television as well and even reteamed with his former star in the 1970s for The New Dick Van Dyke Show. It was, however, not as long lived or anywhere near as successful as their previous endeavor. Reiner would also continue to work as an actor and, in fact, continues to work to this very day in both television and movies. His role as Saul Bloom in the Ocean’s 11 films was one of the highlights of that series. He has even reprised his most famous role as Alan Brady on sitcoms like Mad About You, a Dick Van Dyke Show reunion special and even an animated program titled – what else – The Alan Brady Show.

Carl Reiner has crafted a legacy that I believe will withstand the test of time, and he will be remembered as one of the giants of comedy, a true creative genius. He has certainly inspired me to continue working hard on my own creative endeavors and to commit myself to the things that I am passionate about. If I could achieve even a fraction of his success, I would be a very fortunate man indeed.

#Carl Reiner #Alan Brady #The Dick Van Dyke Show #Columbia College Chicago #Original Works #Essay

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citizenscreen · 8 years ago

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In an attempt to avoid the news as much as possible I’ve been bingeing on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Why not dedicate a few lines then to one of the all-time great situation comedies, I thought? Well, maybe more than a few lines since this one is worth reliving. Its back story is as fascinating as the show is entertaining.

Despite the show’s title, The Dick Van Dyke Show was the creation of the ultra-talented, veteran writer and comedian, Carl Reiner. After many years as a contributor – both in front of and behind the camera – on Sid Caesar’s Your Show of Shows and Caesar’s Hour, Reiner found himself out of a job in 1959. By the way, I just finished reading his 2013 book, I Remember Me, which is a delight. In the book Reiner recounts stories of his life and I was reminded of why I am in awe of him. The book is a compilation of funny, touching stories told by an incredibly talented man. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, Carl Reiner spent the summer of 1959 at the beach and (incredibly) wrote thirteen complete episodes of a new sitcom titled, Head of the Family. That show had a premise that closely resembled Reiner’s own life and career as it revolved around the life and work of a television variety/comedy show writer. Reiner intended the show as a vehicle for himself to star in.

Unfortunately, the pilot of Head of the Family, wasn’t picked up. However, producer Sheldon Leonard recognized the brilliance of the scripts so he convinced Carl Reiner to have someone else play the lead character. Mr. Reiner agreed but hadn’t a clue about who that someone should be.

Dick Van Dyke grew up watching old Laurel and Hardy movies and marveled at the talents of Stan Laurel, in particular. Inspired to perform and graced with a natural talent for physical comedy, Van Dyke appeared in local TV shows and summer variety programs. He eventually became a radio DJ and worked on a number of popular television shows throughout the 1950s (mid-to-late decade) having signed a contract with CBS in 1956. Despite that contract however, it seemed no one, including Dick Van Dyke himself, knew exactly how to showcase his talents. He didn’t find a niche easily, which is hard to believe today. Van Dyke was everything from game show host to morning television newscaster and was good at it all, but he still didn’t make a definitive mark. That is, until he hit the live stage and was launched to stardom in the 1960 musical Bye-Bye Birdie, for which he won a Tony Award.

Chita Rivera co-starred with Van Dyke on Broadway

The story goes that Carl Reiner saw a performance of Bye, Bye Birdie with Dick Van Dyke playing Albert F. Peterson, the same role he’d later play in the 1963, George Sidney-directed film version. Reiner knew instantly he’d found the perfect lead for Head of the Family. But, one man alone, no matter how talented, does not a successful family situation comedy make. There was another casting hurdle ahead.

Reiner cast two supporting, but important roles, fairly quickly opting for entertainment veterans, Rose Marie and Morey Amsterdam – both veterans of the Vaudeville stage, musical theater and comedy. Rose Marie could do comedy and had an extensive career in musical theater, and Amsterdam was a comic with exceptional versatility for coming up with jokes on the spot, a practice he continued on the Van Dyke Show.

On The Dick Van Dyke Show, Rose Marie’s character, Sally Rogers is in constant search for a husband and her quips revolve around that desperation. Amsterdam, as Buddy Sorrell is married to Pickles, a zany, statuesque woman who is the butt of many of his jokes. Pickles only appears in three episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show but Buddy is always referring to her and she’s so good in it that I could’ve sworn she was in many more than that. Pickles Sorrell is played by Joan Shawlee who you might also know as Sweet Sue, the strict and loud director of Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators, the band featured in Billy Wilder’s Some Like It Hot (1959). Well, I say “loud,” but she had to put up with Lemmon and Curtis in drag in addition to a boozy Monroe.

Back to our story – Sally and Buddy are writers under Rob Petrie (Van Dyke) who is the lead comedy writer for the fictional, The Alan Brady Show.

OK – so those characters set to go, the time came to cast the perfect Laura, the role of the main character’s wife on the new sitcom. Carl Reiner interviewed more than sixty actresses and found no one who matched the image he had on his mind for the character. Then one day Reiner’s friend, Danny Thomas gave him the perfect girl. Well, he didn’t give him the girl he gave him the idea of a girl, one he’d interviewed for his own show a couple of years before. The problem was that Thomas didn’t remember the girl’s name, he only remembered she had three of them. It was after reviewing all the records of past interviews that they came across the name, Mary Tyler Moore.

By all accounts, the casting of Mary Tyler Moore made an impact on television as soon as Reiner’s show premiered, the name of which was changed to The Dick Van Dyke Show due to the star’s popularity. Moore’s Laura Petrie wasn’t like earlier television moms. Her character was alluring, provocative and modern yet she maintained enough of the traditions to appeal to audiences of all ages. Despite the talented cast, however, The Dick Van Dyke Show was not an instant hit mostly due to the fact it aired opposite ratings powerhouse Perry Como and his variety show.

Mary Tyler Moore was a novice among show business veterans when The Dick Van Dyke Show premiered. It didn’t take long for her to start showing signs of great comedic timing in her own right, however. It’s really quite something that she stood out while surrounded with the kind of talent on that show. That’s not to mention she impressed Carl Reiner who’s one of the all-time great comedy writers in television history. Anyone else would have been overshadowed or timid, but Moore made her mark as Laura Petrie and her chemistry with Dick Van Dyke is fantastic. The two are so believable as man and wife that when the premise of The Mary Tyler Moore Show was being discussed it was decided Mary Richards could not be a divorcée as originally planned because people would be upset that she divorced Dick Van Dyke.

When The Dick Van Dyke Show premiered Moore’s role was minor, but as she began to blossom as a comedian, Reiner wrote more and more for her character to do. And boy could she do a lot. Her cry is as memorable as Lucy’s, she modernized the TV mom and she could dance and sing alongside show biz veterans in memorable fashion. Her comedic talent would make her a legend in her own right, one of TV’s all-time greats.

Audiences slowly began to warm up to The Dick Van Dyke Show, however. This was due, in large part, to the fact that Reiner began to write to the cast’s strengths. For instance, he allowed Morey Amsterdam freedom for one-liners and wrote situations where Rose Marie could showcase her musical prowess. My favorite instance is when she does the “I Wish I Could Sing Like Durante” number, which really shows the extent of her vast talent. Perhaps even more important is how Reiner gave Dick Van Dyke every opportunity to showcase his talent for physical comedy, which is superb evidenced by the show’s famous opening. You might want to take a look at a previous post I did about how that opening was conceived, The Story of Dick Van Dyke and the Ottoman. Van Dyke makes me laugh the hardest when I watch the show because his reactions and physicality are so memorable. He has a knack for making even the slightest, most mundane every day gesture into a work of art.

Other cast members:

Carl Reiner himself appears on The Dick Van Dyke Show as recurring character, Alan Brady. Brady is the star of the comedy/variety show Rob, Sally and Buddy write for. Alan Brady is loosely based on Carl Reiner’s old boss, Sid Caesar. My favorite episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show features Reiner as the bad-tempered, but talented star Alan Brady. Titled “Coast to Coast Big Mouth,” the fun in the episodes starts when Laura accidentally discloses to everyone in America that Alan Brady is bald.

Alan Brady: [Talking to his toupee stands] Fellas? There she is. There’s the little lady who put you out of business.

Richard Deacon plays Mel Cooley, the producer of The Alan Brady Show and Brady’s brother-in-law. Cooley is somewhat of a curmudgeon but you can’t blame him for it as he’s constantly at odds with Buddy and through this conflict Amsterdam delivers the best one-liners on the show, many of which are somewhat cruel (but very funny) “bald jokes.” During the show’s first season (I believe) Cooley was also appearing as a regular on Leave it to Beaver, but he appeared as a relaible character actor in sveral movies. I remember him best as Semu in Charles Lamont’s Abbott and Costello Meets the Mummy (1955). It’s impossible to forget Deacon’s incredible deep voice.

Playing Richie Petrie -Rob and Laura’s only child – on The Dick Van Dyke Show is Larry Mathews who is also perfectly cast and great in the part. There are more than a few funny moments on the show when Richie asks a question and Rob nervously comes up with a response suitable for a child.

The Petrie’s also have the requisite best friends/neighbors who appear in many episodes – Jerry and Millie Helper, played by Jerry Paris and Ann Morgan Guilbert. Jerry Paris doubled as a frequent director on the show helming more episodes than anyone else at 84. Guilbert is a favorite with many fans not only for her stint as Millie Helper on this show, but also for her hilarious turn as Grandma Yetta on The Nanny. You can’t say enough about the people on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Really.

Guilbert and Paris as Millie and Jerry Helper

Aside from the quality and the laughs The Dick Van Dyke Show offers, it is also relevant in the history of the television sitcom in that it bridged a gap from the older-variety-style comedies that preceded it in the 1950s to the grittier sitcoms that would follow. It was after The Dick Van Dyke Show went off the air in 1966 that sitcoms began a gradual transition to a new era. Due to a variety of factors – the unrest in our country included – the “innocence” depicted on this show and others of its time would be replaced by relevance, to a degree – shows that made sociopolitical statements and, in many cases, dealt with social problems head on. Those are the ones I grew up watching interspersed with shows like The Dick Van Dyke Show that were available in syndication. That’s one of the reasons I believe my generation is the luckiest – media-wise. We got the best of all worlds – the classics from then and the ones that broke the mold. Of course today – luckily – you can watch these gems online. The Dick Van Dyke Show is available on Amazon Prime and on Netflix and if you’ve never seen it add it to your watch list immediately.

The Dick Van Dyke Show was honored with numerous Emmy nominations during its six-year run and won several of them including a few for Carl Reiner’s writing. No one remembers awards though. Or certainly not the public who returns to revisit these shows because they entertain not because of how many statues it won. The Van Dyke Show stood out during its run for offering a wonderful balance of sophisticated and slapstick comedy – a unique, stylish combination that cannot be equaled. The show remains a beautifully written, story-based program with well-rounded characters doused with one-liners and old-fashioned skits and song and dance routines. For classic geeks like me, it’s perfection. This is one of those we should insist that future generations watch.

The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961 – 1966) In an attempt to avoid the news as much as possible I've been bingeing on The Dick Van Dyke Show.

#Ann Morgan Guilbert #Carl Reiner #Dick Van Dyke #Jerry Paris #Mary Tyler Moore #Morey Amsterdam #Richard Deacon #Rose Marie #The Dick Van Dyke Show

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carasueachterberg · 6 years ago

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I’m still figuring out this being famous gig.

Not that I’m famous in the everyone-knows-my-name way, but famous enough to have my bad-hair picture splashed across the centerfold of the New York Post, my book mentioned in People Magazine, a live interview with the “most listened to pet talk radio show in the country” and lots of dear family and friends turning out for my book launch.

It’s exciting and overwhelming and humbling.

I don’t know how to say thank you enough, and truth be told, I feel a bit guilty. I know of SO MANY amazing people at OPH and its partner shelters who are doing so much more than me and my little foster home. But I’m grateful that I can do what I do, knowing that it’s only because of so many other people, not the least of which is my husband Nick and my three kids who have suffered through the poop and the plunder. Just this morning Grits destroyed one of Brady’s socks and Billie Jean got the other.

Before I give you the reality of my past week, I have to say one thing – I AM NOT COMPLAINING.

I’m not.

Seriously, I’m beyond thrilled.

But while it might have looked great online, there were plenty of moments when I was well aware that I’m really not that important! The dogs helped out a bit in hammering home that point.

Let’s start with the launch party at Gunpowder Falls Brewing Company. There was fabulous food provided by my amazing bookclub (you ladies ROCK – Thank you, thank you, thank you. I owe you all big time.)

OPH was out in force with lots of foster dogs and volunteers and plenty of support. We even had one of the dogs get adopted that night – which I take as a GREAT omen for this book.

Maybe one of the coolest surprises was that Sadie (aka Harriet Beecher Stowe), the cover girl showed up!

As well as a few other stars of the book: (Okieriette, Fannie, Snapdragon, and Edith)

Everything went great, although Billie Jean was very stressed whenever she didn’t have me or Nick in her sights.

About midway through, a passing rainstorm hit and we had to huddle together under the tents, while avoiding the steady drips as the tops of the tents filled up with water. It didn’t last long and most everyone stayed dry and we resumed out party, but in the chaos of the storm I completely forgot that I’d planned to bring out the gorgeous cake at the midway mark and when we were cleaning up later I discovered it behind the bar still in its box. Still, it was a super-duper night.

The next day I said goodbye to Biscuit and Muffin who took off for their forever homes.

These little hounds have been a joy – surprising me with their very un-houndlike neatness. Despite a serious battle to rid them of worms that involved cooking a lot of rice and chicken, I’ve loved having them here. They are seriously lovable pups. Grits is still here, but no doubt his family will come for him this week. Frankie and Billie Jean are keeping him from missing his sissies too much.

If you’d like to meet him in person, join us at the Black Flag Brewing book event, where he will decidedly steal the show!

Friday night found me at Aaron’s Books in Lititz, one of my favorite little towns. I’ve been a patron at Aaron’s for years and always valued the excellent selection, the staff notes, and the excellent recommendations. Edith and Nancy made the trip with me. By the end of the night, Edith was a pro at signing books.

Tink (aka Summer Shandy) also made a brief appearance with Deb and Scott but the stress of the busy bookstore proved too much and she made an early exit.

Several generous patrons gave donations for the shelter tour which I was able to combine with a few other donations from the book launch to purchase a large aluminum Karunda bed for one of our shelters. Instead of dragging it along with us in the van, I had it shipped directly to the shelter. Best of all, I talked with at least two families who were seriously interested in fostering!

Saturday’s adventures took me to Monument City Brewing in Baltimore where the brewer is a two-time adopter from OPH. Angelica Church (now Milly) and Violet Beauregard (now Hildie) are growing up as brewery brats at MCB. Both girls, along with two more Hamilton pups, and my very FIRST FOSTER, Galina, joined me for the book event.

Snoopy’s family came to MCB to adopt him, which was super cool. Before they arrived, though, we pimped him out collecting donations for OPH.

Huge thanks to Lisa, Pam, and Mary Beth for helping me start to finish and to Steve for taking lots of pictures. The event was so much fun it ran a few minutes over, so I was pressed for time as I headed into beltway traffic. I was scheduled to do a live radio interview with Talkin’ Pets at 5:10pm.

At 5:03, I’d just crossed the state line to PA and I had a serious dilemma.

I had to pee.

There was not enough time to make it home before the interview, so I swung into the PA Welcome Center and prayed my phone wouldn’t ring while I was in the crowded bathroom. I’d just returned to my car when the host’s assistant called, so I sat in the rest area watching parents wrestle with children, truckers smoke cigarettes, and dogs do their business as I was interviewed on live on national radio.

The next day the New York Post article came out and I could only shake my head when I saw the picture that actually made the paper. It was one of the last one’s the photographer snapped when I’d sweated off my makeup and my hair was plastered to my head. So much for looking good for my national debut! My arms are full of puppies though, so likely that’s all anyone saw.

This week promises to be more of the same. Lucky for me I still have Grits and Billie Jean here to keep me humble. In fact, Grits managed to sneak off with my copy of People magazine yesterday. By the time I realized where all the little pieces of paper scattered through the front hall were coming from, he’d eaten the page that had the People’s Picks on it.

On Sunday, we had my parents and all the kids for a celebratory dinner and I’d saved the part of the cake that featured the book cover for our dessert. But while we were having a nice meal on the porch, Billie Jean managed to get the cake off the counter and eat the entire thing! (note to her future adopters – she has a stomach of steel and had absolutely no ill effects!)

Here’s the complete schedule –

I’d love to see some of you at any of the upcoming events. I’ve got frisbees (400 of them because the manufacturer accidentally doubled my order and when I reported the mistake, they told me to keep them!), treat bags for pups, and at many of the events, a few stars from the book ready to sign/paw with me!

At non-bookstore events, I’ll also be selling these super cool mugs with all the proceeds going to OPH!

Thanks for reading!

If you’d like to know more about my blogs and books, visit CaraWrites.com or subscribe to my monthly e-newsletter.

If you’d like to know more about the book, Another Good Dog: One Family and Fifty Foster Dogs, check out my new website, AnotherGoodDog.org, where you can find more pictures of the dogs from the book (and some of their happily-ever-after stories), information on fostering, event schedule, and more!

If you’d like to know how you can volunteer, foster, adopt or donate with OPH, click here. And if you’d like more regular updates of foster dogs past and present and extra puppy pictures, be sure to join the Another Good Dog facebook group.

I love hearing from readers, so please feel free to comment here on the blog, email [email protected] or connect with me on Facebook, twitter, or Instagram.

Best,

Cara

My #fosterdogs are keeping me humble on my road to fame. #anothergooddog #booktour #weletthedogsout I’m still figuring out this being famous gig. Not that I’m famous in the everyone-knows-my-name way, but famous enough to have my bad-hair picture splashed across the centerfold of the…

#anothergooddog #booktour #dogrescue #foster dogs #puppies

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flauntpage · 7 years ago

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A Guide for Who to Root For in This Trash-Ass Super Bowl

At long last, we know John Wick’s impossible task: picking the more likable team in a Super Bowl involving the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles.

Wick is a New Yorker and definitely a Giants fan, so you know this to be true.

Every year, those of us who are fans of the loser teams not playing on Super Bowl Sunday prefer to have an easily identifiable villain to root against and an underdog hero we can pin our hopes on. Last year, it was easy, as the beautiful Atlanta Falcons dominated the vile Patriots for two and a half quarters before proceeding to puke all over themselves and fall into quicksand while trying to hold up their sagging pants.

The decision this year is much more difficult.

That’s why I’m here, to break down everything about the teams and help you choose your new favorite team for three hours. Patriots? Eagles? Let’s look at this logically and solve the riddle of Super Bowl LII.

QUARTERBACKS: Tom Brady vs. Nick Foles

Brady: He was brought into existence in 2001 when a scientist stuffed a football into a jar of mayonnaise and buried it in radioactive waste. While some people can be stupid in a charming way, Brady’s idiocy is more dangerous. He’s Forrest Gump if instead of chocolates and running Forrest enjoyed highly expensive potions that give sick people false hope and cheating at football with near total impunity. Brady has so completely shed his human form that he can’t answer a simple question about which Kendrick Lamar songs he likes after saying he likes Kendrick Lamar.

Foles: No idea. Is he lefty? “Nick Foles” sounds less like a quarterback and more like a strategy created by evil hunters. He’s blond, I think. Who is the last blond quarterback to win a Super Bowl? John Elway? That was like 20 years ago. Foles would have to be the blondest since Terry Bradshaw, right? Apparently he has a gigantic shlong, but that’s going to make half the people jealous and half love him. He probably can’t name a Kendrick Lamar song, either.

Advantage: Push

COACHES: Bill Belichick vs. Doug Pederson

Belichick: He’s cold, calculating, and ruthlessly efficient at cheating. If they ever make a Horrible Bosses 3, he needs to be a character that’s stalked by Tiquan Underwood. This guy either dresses like he just got done with a three-hour biceps session at the YMCA or he’s traveling back in time to participate in prohibition. He’s a man of few words where the media is concerned because he prefers to save them for love letters to Donald Trump.

Pederson: Wasn’t this the name that Cameron Frye is always using in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? “Doug Pederson, Chicago PD!” How is this team in the Super Bowl? Before becoming head coach in Philadelphia, he spent three seasons in Kansas City as offensive coordinator and guided the Chiefs to no better than 21st in total offense in his time there. Don’t you dare say the NFL isn’t a meritocracy! He got a Super Bowl ring as holder with the Packers in 1997, which is like telling people you won an Oscar for Saving Private Ryan because you played a corpse on the beach.

Advantage: Push

CHAIN RESTAURANTS: Dunkin’ Donuts vs. Wawa

Dunkin’ Donuts: Bostonians’ years of defending the watered-down piss coffee they serve turned out to be great practice for defending an indefensible football team. “There’s something about the Dunkies in Boston that’s just different!” No, there isn’t. Someone in 1948 spilled sewer water into a coffee machine in Quincy and nobody had the heart to say they were serving garbage juice. This would be the perfect #brand partnership for Brady if he didn’t think coffee beans contained ligament fiber thetans or some shit.

Wawa: It’s a 7-11 that’s not self-aware enough to realize it’s just a place to get beef jerky on a road trip or a pre-cooked hot dog when you’re drunk. Wawa is to Philadelphians what music is to people when they’re teenagers—it was there in your formative years so you think it’s better than it actually is. “Oh, but they make sandwiches!” Holy shit, sandwiches? Can you get sandwiches anywhere else in the world? It’s a fancy rest stop named for how babies say water. Get lost.

Advantage: Push

RECENT HISTORY: Patriots vs. Eagles

Patriots: This is the Patriots’ eighth Super Bowl appearance since 2002. The Patriots have won no fewer than nine regular-season games since 2001 and have a record of 209-63 over that time. With Belichick and Brady at the helm, the Patriots have become the model franchise across all sports.

Eagles: Donovan McNabb puked on the field during a Super Bowl. From 2001 to 2003, the Eagles lost three straight NFC title games, the last two occurring at home. When they finally got to the Super Bowl in 2004, they lost to the Patriots. They would go on to lose one more NFC title game in 2008, which makes them a less successful version of those Buffalo Bills teams that lost four straight Super Bowls.

Advantage: Push

FOLLOWING RULES: Cheating vs. Not Cheating

Cheating: The Patriots have been caught cheating on two occasions, Spygate and Deflategate. It’s doubtful a team with a history of cheating only cheated twice, so we will likely never know the full breadth of the Patriots’ cheating but it’s probably wild. If you told me Belichick would get nude and oil himself up so he could slide in air ducts above the visiting team’s locker room with a recording device, I would believe you and hate you for making me picture that image.

Not cheating: The beauty of being a franchise without a Super Bowl is there’s no way anyone can accuse you of cheating. Or trying. Or being good. Man, maybe cheat a little, huh? That town needs it.

Advantage: Push

FANS: Insufferable Pricks vs. Volatile Assholes

Insufferable pricks: The one thing I truly appreciate about the douchebag core of Patriots fans is their unapologetic nature. “Everyone fucking hates you!” “Good. I don’t give a shit. Go Pats.” You have to respect it. There’s never any, “Not all Patriots fans are like that!” nonsense. They know the team cheats and the players and coach are trash but all the winning is so orgasmic they go with it. Bill Simmons is a 50-year-old man who probably has a “hate us because they ain’t us” tattoo on his calf and it’s damn admirable.

Volatile idiots: Now with Eagles fans, you never know. You could wear a Giants jersey to an Eagles game and either engage in witty ribbing and banter with good-natured fans or have your throat slit while waiting to buy a beer. And unlike with Patriots fans, there are still Eagles fans who play the “every city has bad fans” card. Sure. Every city has people who intentionally puke on children, throw batteries at players, punch police horses, craft large signs that say “FUCK MILLIE” because 100-year-old people should eat shit too, throw snowballs at Santa Claus, boo the franchise’s best quarterback when he was drafted, cheer because Michael Irvin may be potentially paralyzed on the field, throw a beer bottle at the best first baseman in franchise history, or climb into a penalty box to fight Tie Domi. You’ll find all that in every sports town, absolutely.

Advantage: Push

TELEVISION SHOWS: Cheers vs. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Cheers: Really funny show about 1980s people in Boston who don’t care about anyone but themselves, hanging out in bar. It stars Rhea Perlman, who is married to Danny DeVito.

It’s Always Sunny: Really funny show about 2000s people in Philadelphia who don’t care about anyone but themselves, hanging out in bar. It stars Danny DeVito, who is married to Rhea Perlman.

Wait, should I be writing a TV show about a bar in … New York?

Advantage: Push

MOST FAMOUS FAN: Mark Wahlberg vs. Mark Wahlberg

Seriously, this moron from Boston—who claims to be a huge Patriots fan even though he left in the middle of the Super Bowl comeback last year and blamed his child for it—says he doesn’t care who wins this year! Why? Because not only is Come Awn Come Awn Feel It Feel It a huge Pats bro, he once portrayed some shitty player who only made the Eagles roster because the team was so damn shitty.

Can you imagine this idiot being asked about global warming? “I’m really rooting for humans to survive climate change but I was in a movie where trees and plants killed people, so I’ve got a special place in my heart for leaves. I’ll be happy no matter who wins.”

Advantage: Push

It turns out the lesson here is don’t root for anyone. Don’t even watch the game. There’s a decent chance John Wick 2 will be on one of your HBOs. Watch that and don’t look back at NBC until Monday morning.

A Guide for Who to Root For in This Trash-Ass Super Bowl published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

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