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Kate Mossâ âMilk Mustacheâ advert, 1995. Later that same year, these ads were licensed to use the famous âgot milk?â slogan.
#kate moss#Kate moss fans#90s fashion#90s style#90s icons#90s supermodels#supermodel aesthetic#model off duty#vintage 90s#90s ads#runway#kate moss aesthetic#got milk#milk mustache#milk advert
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90s Got Milk ads
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#cultureisinteresting
TV has gone through a lot of changes. Its place in society was exceptionally different 20 years ago. The ad break was a fierce battleground where brands had their chosen ad agency champions compete for dominance of the mind of the household viewer. This decades-old competition brought about some of the best adverts to have ever been made. A golden age the likes of which, we'll never see again. Here is a small selection of ads forged in the most scorching cauldrons.
1. Guinness "Surfer" - 1999: Tick follows tock. The surfer waits. And when the time is right he sprints into the surf and mounts the waves which manifest as huge white horses. He returns to shore a hero. His patience rewarded. Good things come to those who wait.
2. Volkswagen "Squeaky Earring" - 1990: What is that squeaking. Surely it couldn't be the car. Perhaps an old experienced mechanic can help? He's initially baffled and then erupts into laughter, upon realising that the squeaking is not the car but the earrings of the driver's partner. If only everything was made as well as a Volkswagen.
3. Diet Coke "Diet Coke Break" - 1995: It feels cliché or even completely outdated now but at the time, the thought of the women in the office stopping to watch a sweaty workman take off his top and drink a Diet Coke was highly amusing. Women in offices across the world were encouraged to stop at 11 AM to take a break and drink a Diet Coke.
4. Milk "Accrington Stanley" - 1989: To encourage young people to drink more milk and more importantly for their parents to buy the milk, the UK Milk Marketing Board funded an advert featuring a young Liverpudlian saying "If I don't drink my milk, I wont be good enough to play for AcCrInGtOn StAnLey". It worked.
5. Smirnoff "Triple Distilled" - 2006: Perhaps one of the last of its kind. The rise of the internet meant that TV viewing was waning. This remains one of the best, feeling like some weird mix between a Quentin Tarantino and Christoper Nolan film. The viewer watches three versions of the same scene with each being more distilled. The final scene ends with "I love you".
#adverts#ads#commercial#guinness#volkswagen#diet coke#milk#Smirnoff#Culture#Accrington Stanley#cultureisinteresting#culture is interesting#everything is interesting
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just realized one of the stickers i bought from the local night market event is about lactose intolerance. i...am not lactose intolerant
#its a milk cartoon that says tummy hurty and on the side has a 'have you seen me' advert for lactase#i ate ice cream literally yesterday#that said i practically only drink soy milk now#milk carton*
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1955 Cadburyâs Milk Tray ad by totallymystified
#Cadbury's#Milk Tray#chocolate#sweets#candy#teenager#dance#dancing#jive#jiving#illustration#1955#1950s#fifties#ad#advert#advertising#advertisement#retro#vintage#nostalgia#flickr
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youtube
#history#advertising#vintage#retro#ads#vintage ads#vintage advertising#retro ads#retro advertising#adverts#old adverts#vintage adverts#retro adverts#burgers#burger king#hamburgers#have it your way#1977#fries#french fries#milk shake#mcdonalds#wendy's#food#diet#weight loss diet#diet food#healthy food#nutrition#healthylifestyle
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ONE CUP OF COFFEE. theodore nott
( master list )
IN WHICH⊠Theodore Nott canât stand the idea of actually falling in love but he finds himself questioning his choices after a series of rather comforting conversation with a Hufflepuff.
âDo you hate me so much that you canât stand having one coffee with me?â
Warnings: Smoking, mentioning of throwing up, mentioning of weed, swearing here and there, mentioning of hooking (pretty tame for a Theodore Nott fic tbh)
â
âOne coffee. Black. No milk or sugar. Make it hotter than usual.â Theodore Nott wasted no time in repeating his order to the worker behind the counter. A new coffee shop had opened inside of Hogsmeade and in the Slytherinâs opinion, their drinks were better than any muggle one.
He tossed a few golden coins onto the table before walking away and taking a seat in a deserted corner. He liked to be away from people because despite being part of a popular Slytherin group and partying often, he wasnât a social person.
The quiet lulling of muggle songs played around in the cafe, bouncing off the walls. Theodore pulled his turtle neck up higher, covering his bare skin from the cold air. It nipped at his slim fingers and he wished he had taken a pair of Dracoâs Dior gloves now.
The rusted bell attached to the door dully rang as someone else entered. The cafe wasnât too crowded. There were a few other students scattered here and there but not many people were willing to freeze just to grab a coffee.
Melted snow dripped off Theodoreâs boots as his observant eyes followed the actions of the newcomer. He couldnât tell what house she was in because she was wearing all white, but she definitely wasnât a Slytherin. The girls clad in green and silver had a certain aura; an unfriendly, poisonous, and addictive one.
This girl radiated off sunshine and daffodils and basking in the warmth of a crackling fire. Theodore guessed she was in Hufflepuff because she had a certain charm to her bright smile.
âOne cinnamon chai latte.â She ordered, kindly handing the cashier a few coins. She was practically the opposite of Theodore.
âName?â The cashier asked, much comfortable in her presence as opposed to the Slytherin who sat a few feet away.
âY/N.â
Her name jogged Theodoreâs memory. She was the girl Lorenzo had been paired with in herbology. It was quite a long and dragged out assignment so whenever Lorenzo wasnât hanging out with his friends, he was with her.
Theodore subconsciously sat up straighter and leaned forward to get a better look at Y/N. Lorenzo described her as a pretty and bright girl with a warm perspective on life. Instead of saying âwhatâs the worst that could happen?â She always said âwhatâs the best that could happen?â
Theodore was somewhat impressed by how positive a person could be.
He didnât notice he had been staring until Y/N turned her head, innocent E/C eyes burning holes into his. Theodore almost jumped. He quickly adverted his gaze, clenching his jaw.
Out of the corner of his vision, he could see Y/N sit at the table beside him. She sat with her legs oddly crossed and her body was turned so she could look at him.
âTheodore Nott, right? Enzoâs friend?â Her voice was gentle, like a meadow full of daisies and glittering ponds of water.
Theodore thickly swallowed before he nodded. âYeah. Loâs talked about you. You were his partner for potions.â The brunette had never heard anybody call Lorenzo by Y/Nâs nickname, but maybe that was because he didnât allow anybody to call him that. Unless it was Y/N, of course.
The poor boy was smitten with her during fifth year but he shyly backed off when he realised he had too much competition. To this day, Draco was still trying to convince him to man up.
âHe talked about me?â
âOnly once or twice.â Theodore lied through his teeth. He may be a tease, but he refused to out his friend.
âThe assignment we did was so annoying. Iâm glad I had him as my partner. If it was anybody else, I wouldâve gone mad.â Y/N signed and a small laugh slipped past her pink-tinted lips.
âYou practically saved his herbology grades. Lo is smart but his plant knowledge is in the negatives.â Theodore huffed in amusement, his mouth curving into a sly smirk.
âHeâs good with everything else, though.â Y/N uttered. Out of the whole Slytherin group, Lorenzo, Draco, and Pansy had the highest grades. Blaise couldnât care less; he still scored pretty high but grades werenât his whole life. And Matteo and Theodore, the players they were, didnât even bother studying for exams.
âBlack coffee.â The barista suddenly called out, making Theodore realise he had never given the worker his name.
âThat must be yourâs.â Y/N said, nodding over at the steaming drink. She smiled, which almost set Theodoreâs heart alight. It was already drowning in gasoline and her damn grin may as well be the flaming match. âTheo?â She waved a hand in front of his face as he spaced out.
âHuh?â Finally, his blank eyes shifted to stare at her.
âYour coffee.â Y/N reminded him.
âOh. Right. Iâll see you later.â Theodore was quick to stand up and grab his drink, the paper cup burning the palm of his hand.
âSee you later, Theo!â Y/N called out, not seeming to notice his uneasy mood.
Theodore sped walked out of the coffee shop, holding a hand to his chest. His stomach sank as dread overwhelmed him.
Him and Matteo were like two peas on a pod. They shared the same habits too, like drinking their sorrows away and smoking until their lungs burned. And letâs not forget their infamous reputations as playboys. Theodore Nott didnât do relationships so he refused to let a soft Hufflepuff change his mind.
Despite shoving down whatever warm feeling he felt when he was next to Y/N, Theodore couldnât help but crane his head in search for a certain flash of H/C hair.
âBlack coffee. Extra hot.â He muttered absentmindedly to the same cashier who had served him a week before.
âName?â She asked, bored eyes gazing up at him.
âTheo.â He quickly replied, turning his head again when he thought he saw Y/N. He felt disappointed when it wasnât her. The worker seemed to notice.
âAre you looking for that Hufflepuff you were talking to last time?â She questioned, arching a thin brown eyebrow. Theodore glanced down at her name tag that read Eulia.
âNo.â He quickly denied her inquiry, wrapping his long Slytherin scarf tighter around his bare neck.
âShe comes in every week around this time. Sheâll be here soon.â Eulia said, glancing over Theodoreâs shoulder to take in the growing line. She cleared her throat, reminding Theodore of where he was.
As usual, he threw some coins onto the countertop and walked away to the same table he sat at before. His head perked up when he heard the sound of familiar laughter.
Y/N walked in, waving good-bye to her Ravenclaw friend. âThe usual, Y/N?â Eulia asked, already typing her order into the monitor.
Y/N practically bounced over to Theodore, taking a seat in front of him. âHey, long time no see. I thought Iâd see you at school but I guess not.â
âI was busy.â Theodore lied. In truth, he had been hauled up in his dorm and listening to Draco rant about Pansy.
âDoing what?â Y/N innocently tilted her head to the side, genuinely curious.
Theodore, as blunt and brainless as ever, blurted out the first thing he could think of. âWeed, drugs, and smoking.â He wanted to bash his head into the table. What kind of response was that?
Yes, he used to do all those things but he had toned it down. The only addiction he had was smoking now.
âI donât know why I said that. It was the first thing that popped up in the mind.â He admitted, scratching the back of his head.
âIâm not judging you, if thatâs what youâre worried about.â Y/N laughed, âBy the way, your cigarettes are about to fall.â She pointed to the packet that was lazily shoved into Theodoreâs pocket. He quickly caught it.
âI donât do weed or drugs anymore.â He uttered, âJust so you know.â
From the coffee machines, Eulia rolled her eyes. âCoffee for Theo. Cinnamon chai latte for Y/N.â She called out, placing the drinks down.
Theodore quickly stood up. âIâll get them.â He offered, not waiting for a response.
âSmooth.â Eulia said as he grabbed the drinks.
âCut me some slack. Iâm used to hooking up with toxic girls, not chatting over coffee with a sweet Hufflepuff.â Theodore lightly scoffed.
âSo, Theo, what do you want to do when you graduate?â Y/N asked as soon as he sat back down again.
He shrugged. âI donât know.â In all his years of Hogwarts, he had never thought about it. âWhat about you?â
âI want to open a bakery.â Y/N said like she had been waiting the question to come up.
Theodore raised his eyebrows. âYou like baking?â
âYup! Iâll bake you something next week. Do you like chocolate?â
âWho doesnât?â Theodore only knew one person who didnât like chocolate, and that was Pansy. But to be fair, she had gotten food poisoning from spiked chocolate in third year.
It was safe to say that she spent most of that day hunched over the toilet while Matteo held back her hair and Lorenzo gently got her to drink water, which she threw up too but itâs the thought that counts.
âGreat! I have to go now. Iâm meeting up with another friend. See you at school, Theo!â Y/N effortlessly chugged her scorching hot drink. She slammed the cup against the table, grinning.
âWhat theâŠâ Theodore was still trying to process what had just happened as he watched Y/N run out of the cafe and into the arms of her friend
The next week, Y/N arrived earlier than Theodore. He had been held up by Blaise, who was curious as to why he was visiting the same coffee shop three times in a row.
Theodore entered the store after managing to shake Blaise off. He shoved his hands into his pockets, shivering despite the atmosphere being warm.
Eulia, who seemed to be on duty every day, had already made his drink and placed it in front of Y/N. She was too busy doodling on his cup with a permanent marker to notice his sudden appearance.
âCute outfit.â He said as he sat down, the legs of his chair scraping against the tilted floor. Y/Nâs face visibly lit up at his small compliment. Theodore observed her pink sweater with little bows sewn on it and her short white skirt with fleece leggings lining her legs.
âAs promised, your cookie.â Y/N slid the box over to Theodore, smiling. âI would recommend heating it up. A warm cookie is better than a cold and hard one.â
âDo you bake often?â Theodore asked, taking the box and letting it rest on his lap.
âI try to bake as much as I can. I like helping the house elves too.â Y/N began to fondly talk about her love for baking and as much as Theodore tried to focus on her words, his gaze wandered to a suspicious group huddled in the opposite corner.
Once Theodore looked past their dark sunglasses and large coats, he recognised them as his friends. He saw Draco shove past Pansy and he surely pointed at Y/N then at Theodore before slapped his hands together.
Theodore stared at him, puzzled. And it showed as he furrowed his eyebrows and frowned. Y/N didnât seem to notice his wavering attention, much to his relief.
âDo you want to bake together sometime, Theo?â Y/N asked, bringing him back to their conversation. He felt a little guilty because he hadnât heard another word of what she had said.
âSure. Though, I donât think Iâd be much help. Matt and I tried making edibles once and we messed that shit up.â
From behind Draco, Matteo glared at Theodore. It was your fault, he mouthed. He wasnât lying, Theodore had gotten just about every ingredient in the recipe wrong.
âEdibles?â Y/N tilted her head to the side.
âWeed brownies.â Theodore elaborated, âBut that was last year. I donât do that anymore, remember? I only party and smoke.â
âI know. You told me.â Her eyes crinkled when she smiled. Y/Nâs gaze flickered to his packed of cigarettes that always looked like it was about to fall out.
âWould you like to come to a party with me?â Theodore asked, leaning forward. There was one in the Slytherin common room next week. Normally, people from other houses werenât invited but if you had the right connections, youâd be let in.
âParties arenât my thing. I⊠donât like the vibe. You know?â
âThatâs fine. You ever tried smoking?â
âNo. Cedric offered to teach me but I declined.â Y/N frowned at the lost opportunity.
âIâll teach you.â Theodore said a little too quickly. He cleared his throat. âI mean, you keeping me company wouldnât be so bad.â He grabbed his packet, sliding it across the table. âThese are my good ones. Keep âem and whenever youâre having a bad day or just wanna have a smoke, find me. Iâll light one for you.â
From across the room, Matteo lightly gasped. Theodore never ever shared his good cigarettes with anyone, not even him.
âReally?â Y/N picked up the worn-out box, staring at it.
âYeah. I gotta get going. My friends are probably wondering where I am.â Theodore, once again, lied through his teeth. He knew his friends had questions and he didnât want to keep them waiting. He stood up, feeling Pansyâs gaze burn a hole through him.
âEnjoy the cookie!â Y/N exclaimed, grinning and waving him off.
Theodore smiled. âIâm sure I will, love.â He walked out of the cafe, his friends following close behind and bombarding him just like he had predicted.
âYou clearly have some sort of feelings towards her.â Panay said as she poked the brunette beside him. All throughout breakfast, Panay had been trying to get Theodore to admit his growing affection for Y/N. He denied it every time.
âI donât.â He said for the third time, leaning down to stuff some bacon into his mouth. As he quickly chewed, his gaze flickered to Y/N.
âYouâre looking at her again!â Pansy exclaimed, huffing. âItâs so obvious you like her!â
âWhereâs Lo and Draco?â Theodore changed the subject, realising the two boys were missing.
âYou canât change the topic. You like her and you know it.â Unfortunately for Theodore, Pansy was persistent. Maybe a little too much.
âTheo likes who?â Lorenzo tilted his head to the side in curiosity. The whole group, even Blaise who laughed at awkward situations, froze.
Nobody responded for a moment before Blaise put down his fork. âY/N. He likes Y/N L/N.â Theodore glared at the boy, wondering why on hell heâd even tell Lorenzo the truth.
â⊠Oh.â Lorenzo didnât say much as he sat down, glancing over at Y/N. âYouâre not going to break her heart, right?â
âI donât like her. End of conversation.â Theodore groaned, taking a huge gulp from his goblet.
âI donât believe you.â Lorenzo uttered, pointing his fork at Theodoreâs eyes, âYour eyes say it all. You keep looking at her every minute and when you do, your eyes soften.â
Pansy snickered, nudging Theodore. âTold you.â
âIf you donât like her, then you wouldnât mind if someone else asked her out, would you?â Matteo piped up.
âYou arenât her type.â Theodore immediately replied, scoffing.
âWeâre practically the same, Theo. If Iâm not her type then you arenât. Sheâs pretty and all but I donât date. That guy, on the other hand, seems like he does.â Matteo pointed over to a Ravenclaw boy approaching Y/N. The whole Slytherin group watched as he nervously asked her something and when she slowly nodded, his face lit up.
Theodore clenched his hands into fists. âDid he just ask her out?â He seethed, clenching his jaw.
âYou donât like her, remember? You shouldnât care.â As usual, Matteo had that same infuriating smirk on his face. âAnyway, what are we doing for the party tonight?â
Theodore had forgotten all about it. He faintly remembered Y/N saying parties werenât her thing. Did she like guys who didnât party? That Ravenclaw boy looked like he didnât. Is that why she said yes?
âIâm not doing. Not really my thing.â He uttered, shrugging. His friends looked at him in disbelief.
âNot your thing?â Matteo stammered, âMate, the only thing you do is party! Whatâs gotten into you?!â
âHeâs trying to turn into Y/Nâs ideal type.â Pansy snickered, âHe knows he isnât the blueprint and he canât see her with anyone else so heâs improving himself.â
âRespect, bro. But what about Izzi?â Matteo motioned to the Slytherin girl down a few rows who was Theodoreâs favourite hookup.
âI donât care about her.â
âWhat about the drinks?â
âI need to cut my alcohol intake.â
âSmoking? You canât give up smoking! Youâre addicted!â
âY/N has my cigs. When she wants to learn, Iâll teach her.â
âAnd if she never wants to learn?â
âThen I wonât pester her. Not smoking for a while might do me some good.â Theodore on the brink of giving up smoking for some girl was a huge deal.
Matteo leaned over to Draco, âIs he sick?â
Pansy lightly snorted and she teasingly grinned, âIf you mean lovesick, then yeah.â
To be honest, Theodore didnât even know what he was doing. His head tried to convince him to return to the common room and drink like he usually did, but his heart said no.
Thatâs how he ended up in the courtyard, enjoying the fresh breeze.
âTheo?â An all too familiar voice called out. He practically spun around, facing Y/N. âI thought youâd be at your party.â She stared at him, confused.
âIâm taking a break from all that.â He said. Y/N silently sat beside him on the stone bench.
âI still have your cigarettes if you want them.â Y/N said, handing the packet over. âI thought about it and I donât think I want to smoke just yet.â
âThanks, love.â Theodore took the box, shoving it into his pocket without hesitation. Normally, heâd take one out and light it up but tonight was different.
âSo, that Ravenclaw boy.â Theodore drawled. âHe asked you out, huh?â
âHm? Oh, Rowan? Yeah. I only said yes to be nice though because he helped me with some work last year.â
âYouâre too kind, love. You need to know your boundaries.â
Y/Nâs cheeks heated up at the sound of his endearing nickname. âI canât say no now. Itâll just be one date then Iâll say it didnât work out.â
âWhat if he wants a second date? What will you do?â Theodore moved closer to Y/N so he could feel the warmth radiating off her body. His heart jumped at their close proximity.
âThen Iâll tell him I donât want one.â Y/N whispered, staring up at Theodore with those gentle eyes he liked so much.
âI liked your cookie, by the way.â Theodore slowly smiled, âIt was good.â
âIâll bake you a few more next time.â Y/N beamed. âIâm trying a new recipe for a brownie so Iâll give you one too!â Theodore smiled as she jumped into another rant about baking. This time, he could actually listen without being pestered by his friends.
Theodore, as usual, walked into the cafe around the same time he usually did. Eulia spotted him and subtly waved. âHas Y/N come in yet?â He asked.
Eulia hesitated before she pointed over at Y/N and Rowan. Theodore visibly deflated. He knew Y/N was only being nice to the Ravenclaw but he still felt a twinge of sadness.
âIâm sorry, Theo. If it makes you feel better, she hasnât looked like sheâs enjoyed the date. She looks much happier talking to you.â Eulia handed him his coffee.
âRight.â He sat down at a nearby table, glancing over at Y/N every so often. The slight pang in his heart reminded him of why he never dated in the first place. He quietly cleared his throat, deciding that whatever butterflies he felt for Y/N had to be drowned.
He stood up and Y/N immediately caught his gaze. She smiled and waved when Rowan wasnât looking, but Theodore ignored her. Slowly, she lowered her hand.
As Rowan ranted on about how Ravenclaw was the best house, Y/N couldnât help but think of what she had done to possibly anger Theodore. So much that he ignored her when he usually enjoyed her small smiles and secretive waves. She blocked out Rowanâs voice, frowning. He couldnât grab her attention like Theodore could.
If only she knew that Theodore was simply trying not to fall in love.
Theodore avoided her for the rest of the week. Whenever she tried to approach him, heâd walk away. Even his friends were puzzled. After another failed attempt of trying to talk to Theodore, Pansy placed a hand on her shoulder.
âWeâll talk to him.â She said.
âI donât know what I did wrong. Heâs been acting so moody all of a sudden.â Y/N sighed and pouted.
âMaybe heâs on his period.â Matteo snickered at his own joke but immediately stopped when nobody else laughed with him. âI mean, Theo hasnât had a good drink, fuck, or smoke since Monday. And all he did on that day was smoke for five minutes before he got caught.â
âI thought he liked doing all those things. Whyâd he stop if itâs just going to make him grumpy?â Y/N murmured, playing with the hem of her blouse. Matteo and Pansy exchanged a glance, knowing they shouldnât expose Theodore so early.
âHeâs just being unreasonable. Donât worry, weâll get through to him.â Matteo grinned, his eyes flickered to the box in Y/Nâs hands. âMore cookies for him?â
She nodded. âCould you give this to him? It might make him feel better.â Matteo lowly hummed, taking the box. He and Pansy walked off after Theodore, muttering to each other about what could possibly be wrong with their friend.
âTheo.â Matteo called out as they entered the Slytherin Chamber. They found him sprawled out on the couch, a burning cigarette in his mouth. âY/N made you cookies.â
Theodore looked at the box in Matteoâs outstretched arms. âI donât want âem.â He said with a lazy flick of his hands.
âBut you said you love her cookies. Jeez, dude, whatâs gotten into you?â Matteo scoffed as he grabbed one, shoving it into his mouth. âIf a girl made me cookies like these, Iâd fall in love.â
âThatâs the problem!â Theodore exclaimed loudly. âIâm Theodore Nott, Hogwarts resident fuck boy. I donât do relationships! But Y/N- Y/N is making me feel things I shouldnât!â He groaned, pulling at the ends of his hair.
âThatâs the problem?â Pansy huffed, taking a seat beside him. âTheo, look at yourself. You havenât partied in ages, you havenât drank, you havenât had sex with any other girl since last month. And you havenât been smoking up until now! If youâre willing to stop all that shit for Y/N then you obviously like her!â
âWhat if Iâm just concealing it, huh? What if I havenât changed and if I date Y/N, then I hurt her? I donât care about any other girlâs feelings but Y/N, fuck. I donât want to hurt her.â
âFigure your feelings out then decide what you want to do. Easy peasy.â Matteo shrugged, eating another cookie. Theodore clicked his tongue, snatching the box out of his hands.
âIt better be easy or Iâm going to smoke all your favourite cigs, Matt.â
Matteo was lying. It was not easy to figure out how he felt towards Y/N. Every time he got close to her, he changed his mind last minute and rushed off. It earned him some weird looks but he couldnât care less.
âHave you even slept lately?â Matteo questioned, slamming a cup of coffee in front of Theodore. He groaned.
âDo I look like Iâve slept?â He muttered, glowing at Matteo.
âLike a baby.â His friend teased, cruelly laughing. Lorenzo glanced over Theodoreâs shoulder, clearing his throat.
âY/Nâs coming this way.â He whispered, kicking Theodore.
âWhat?â He looked around, panicked. Y/N was indeed walking towards him. He grabbed his coffee, splashing it onto Matteoâs wrinkled blouse.
âYo! What the fuck, dude? Thatâs hot!â Matteo seethed, resisting the urge to peel his wet shirt off. Some girls hoped he would.
âSorry, Matt. It was an accident. Iâll help you clean up.â Theodore tried to play his stunt off as an accident while practically dragging Matteo out of the hall.
âOkay, seriously, what was that all about?â
âI needed an excuse to get away.â
âSo you spilled hot coffee on me?!â
âI wouldâve let you do the same.â Theodore glared at his friend as he sat down and slumped. âSheâs everywhere. How is she so social? I canât get away from her.â He ran a hand through his messy hair.
âHave you been running away from Y/N this whole time?â Matteo questioned, arching an eyebrow. âItâs hilarious to imagine you running away from a girl.â
âShut up. Iâm processing things.â Theodore sighed.
âJust talk to her, Theo.â Matteo lightly nudged his leg, âWhat else can you lose? Youâve already lost your dignity.â
It had been a few weeks since Theodore had returned to the coffee shop. But finally, he strutted through the doorway with his usual uncaring demeanour.
Someone else entered as Theodore stood in the middle of the room, taking in everything he had missed about this cafe.
âTheo?â Y/N asked, peering over his shoulder. âI havenât seen you in a while.â He stiffened and slowly turned around. âAre you having a coffee?â
âIâve already had one, actually. I was just seeing if this place had changed.â Theodore wanted to walk away but he couldnât tear his gaze away from Y/Nâs eyes.
âWell, thereâs no harm in having another one, right? Itâs on me.â Y/N smiled at Eulia, âOne cinnamon chai latte andâŠâ She thought for a moment, glancing over at Theodore, âYouâve already had a coffee so one cream latte as well!â
Y/N paid and brushed past Theodore.
âKiss her.â Eulia hissed, harshly poking Theodoreâs shoulder.
âIâm not kissing her.â Theodore replied back in a hushed whisper.
âTheo, you coming?â Y/N called out, looking over her shoulder.
There was barely anybody in the cafe and even if there was, Eulia wouldâve ignored their drinks to make Y/N and Theodoreâs.
Theodore reached out to grab his but Y/N was quicker. She grasped both drinks, smiling at him. âWe donât have to be back at school for a while so letâs sit here.â
Theodore nervously followed behind Y/N to their usual table. He sat down, rigid and stiff. He saw his cup and glared at Eulia, who laughed. She had written a message on the cardboard, kiss her, and Theodore was quick to cover it.
He looked out the window, almost jumping with joy when he saw Matteo. âOh! Matt! I need to talk to him! Sorry, Y/N. Iâll see you later!â He ran out of the cafe, crashing into his friend.
âMatteo! Quick! Do something!â Theodore shook his friend, urging him to create a distraction.
âIs this about Y/N?â He asked.
âSheâs in the coffee shop- donât look!â Theodore shoved his friend.
âAnd you need me to something stupid?â
Theodore eagerly nodded but was unprepared when Matteo pushed him forward and down a snowy hill. âTheo! Sorry! My hand slipped! Iâm coming!â Matteo yelled out in a fake worried voice as Theodore rolled and got a mouthful of snow.
Y/N watched their strange interaction as she sipped on her drink. â⊠He didnât call me love like he usually does.â
Y/N hummed to herself as she slipped on a pair of mittens and took out a tray of cookies. She placed the hot metal tray on the counter, the smell of baked goods wafting through the air.
She poured herself a cup of light coffee and sat down, swinging her legs. She lifted her head when she heard the sound of quiet swearing and smelled the scent of cigarettes and cologne.
âTheo?â She asked, tilting her head to the side. It was silent for a moment before the boy sheepishly pushed the kitchen doors open.
âI was looking for a snack for Pansy. Sheâs not feeling well.â He looked around, staring at everything but Y/N.
âI would offer her a cookie but she doesnât really like chocolate, does she?â Y/N circled her finger around the rim of her cup, âWould you like some coffee? I made it myself.â
Theodore found himself sitting across from her against his will. He watched as she poured him a cup, softly smiling.
âThanks.â He stammered, grabbing the white mug and gulping it down.
Y/Nâs eyes widened. âCareful! Isnât it hot?â
Theodore slammed the cup down, ignoring the burning sensation on his tongue. âNo.â He wheezed, his vocal cords threatening to give up on him, âIâm fine. Tastes great.â
âYouâve spilled some.â Y/N said. She leaned forward, pointing at his collar. His top two buttons were undone and hot coffee trickled down his skin. âThat must hurt. Here, let me help.â
Y/N dabbed a tissue against Theodoreâs collar and he flinched as her fingers came in contact with his exposed skin. She noticed, peeking up at him through her lashes.
âDo you hate me so much that you canât stand having one coffee with me?â She asked, taking a small step back.
âWhat?â Theodore choked. He didnât hate her, quite the opposite to be honest.
âYou keep running away from me. And you left me in the cafe the other day. And you didnât wave back. Do you hate me?â
Theodore hated how he could see her E/C eyes glass over. He fiddled with his mug, tapping his nails against the porcelain.
âI⊠have to go. Pansy needs me.â He stood up, leaving without another word. He was doing what he did best; running away from his problems.
With Theodore out of the picture, Y/N felt lonely. She dug around in her pocket, confused when she fished out a cigarette. âOh⊠it mustâve fallen out.â She murmured.
She was on her way to the cafe, but not to meet up with Theodore. The day after he had walked out on her, again, a Gryffindor had approached her and asked her out. She said yes in hopes this date would be better than her date with Rowan.
Spoiler alert, it wasnât. In fact, she felt like it was worse. Y/N stared at her cup as the boy beside her talked on and on about his love for quidditch.
âWhatâs your hobby?â He suddenly asked.
âBaking.â Y/N answered absentmindedly.
âOh, thatâs kind of boring. Quidditch is better, donât you think?â
Y/N resisted the urge to sigh. Theodore never insulted her love for baking.
âDo you do anything else?â The boy questioned.
âI study.â
âJeez, you really are boring. You wanna come to a party with me? I know a guy whoâll hook us up with some coke.â
âNo thanks.â Y/N rested her cheek in the palm of her hand, watching the clock closely so she could dart away as soon as the date was over.
Someone suddenly pulled up a chair in front of Y/N. âCoke is boring.â Theodore uttered, âBaking is better.â
Y/N tried to conceal her smile since she was still upset with him, but when he winked at her, she couldnât help it.
âWhat are you doing here, Nott?â The Gryffindor sneered.
âIâm here to thank you for keeping my girl company.â Theodore grinned, showing off his pearly white teeth. âNow, if youâll excuse us.â He grabbed Y/N by the wrist, tugging her out of the cafe.
âWhy do you choose the shittiest guys to go out with?â Theodore asked.
Y/N lightly huffed. âItâs not like I mean to. At least they donât walk away from me when Iâm trying to talk, though.â
âYou still upset with me, love?â
âYou hurt my feelings, Nott.â Y/N pulled out the lone cigarette, shoving it into Theodoreâs hand, before hurrying off.
He quickly placed it between his lips and lit it. âLet me explain, love!â He exclaimed, chasing after her. He breathed out a mouthful of smoke.
âOkay. Then explain.â Y/N folded her arms over her chest.
âWhat? Here? Now?â When Theodore saw the unamused look on Y/Nâs face, he sighed. âFine, but this is going to sound stupid.â He took another hit from his cigarette, needing all the courage he could get.
He took a deep breath. âI think youâre wonderful person and I didnât want to risk hurting you so I tried to distance myself but that backfired and I was trying to process my feelings because Iâm Theodore Nott. I donât do relationships. But you made me want to give it a go so I got scared and that made me do stupid shit like spilling coffee on Matt or running away or allowing Matt to push me down a hill.â
Y/N furrowed her brows. âWhat are you trying to say?â
âI like you, Y/N! I like the way you smile and the way your eyes light up and I like how you look and me and how fond you are of baking! I like how you take the time to make me cookies because it makes me feel special! You treat me so differently from other girls and thatâs how I know you arenât just around for a hook up! I like your perfume and your hair and your outfits and the way you skip when youâre happy and how you read classic Muggle books because you want a cute teen romance!â
âYou noticed all of that⊠about me?â
âHow could I not? You have such a charming aura and I canât stand it because no matter how much I try to deny it, I like you.â
âYou really like me?â Y/N knew about Theodoreâs reputation and sheâd be lying if she didnât feel the same way. But what if he was just toying with her?
âI do.â
âOkay then. Hug me!â Y/N exclaimed, confident he was joking. Theodore shrugged before embracing her tightly. âUh⊠hold my hand!â He intertwined their fingers without hesitation. âKiss me!â Y/N was sure he wouldnât do it but when he leaned down and pecked her lips, she froze.
âAre you done? Thereâs a lot more things Iâd do for you, Y/N.â
âAre you sure you like me? Like, really? Because what if we get married and you decide you donât like me but we already have two kids and a cat together? Who will keep the cat? Or will we have shared custody over it?â Y/N spoke so fast Theodore could hardly understand her.
âWhat about the children?â He asked, tilting his head to the side.
âWhat about the cat, Theo?â
âI really do like you, Y/N. Believe it or not. Iâm willing to give dating a try⊠if it makes I can date you.â
âPlease donât break my heart, Theo.â
âI wonât.â
âCan we finally drink coffee together without you running off?â Y/N questioned, which earned her a small chuckle from Theodore.
âI wonât run away this time, love. I promise.â
#theodore nott#pansy parkinson#harry potter x reader#harry potter fanfiction#one shot#harry potter#draco malfoy#lorenzo berkshire#theodore nott x reader#blaise zabini#matteo riddle#friends to lovers#strangers to lovers#fluff#gryffindor#ravenclaw#hufflepuff#slytherin#slytherin gang#hufflepuff reader
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oh hey did the retain the same actor between sh and reunion for kj.
#if so. very fun#i think heâs a fun character. also every time#i think of him i remember the milk advert from that one episode and laugh myself to death#c.txt
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(unedited)Âł retired simon has nowhere to go, so you offer. { his pov } [ one, two, three]
sheâs like a breath of fresh air. bright and cold. a gust so frigid that it sends goosebumps to shroud his skin. like the first fall of snow. was it december now? how long has it been since heâd left? how long has he wandered? adrift like a buoy at sea. but strangely stuck, straying in place. like some sort of ghost. trapped and terrified.
he thinks sheâs naive. strange, even. like a child left outside without supervision. prone to being up to no good. sheâs insistent in her little fiat car. her hands are covered in a pair of creme wool gloves. and when he looks close enough he notices that theyâre fraying at the seam. worn. loved.
she says her name. itâs pretty, her name. it fits. sheâs expectant, waiting for him to speak. give her something, anything heâs sure. she seems like a good girl. too good, too much for him, not enough for her. he hardly even knew her. but she wants to know you. sheâs being nice. nothing more. simon. thatâs what he tells her and it rolls off her tongue faultlessly. âwell, weâre not strangers anymore, simon.â is what she says. he finds her amusing.
itâs her eyes. thatâs what makes him slide into the passenger seat. they're wide. warm. nervousâ despite her being the one to offer him a ride. itâs endearing, if not a bit entertaining. and the cold has already frozen his body. he can hardly feel his feet. but he deserves this. this life that heâs been subjected to.
sheâs an anxious thing. her gloved hands drum lightly against the steering wheel. sheâs shit at making small talk. and from the reflection of the car window, he can see the way she works her bottom lip into her mouth. heâs tempted to thumb it from within the wet heat. he doesn't.
âcould be a killer.â she smiles. her eyes brighten. itâs small but he finds himself forgetting to breathe. in and out. in and out. she smells temptingly like honey and spices, all tangy and sweet. fuck. he holds his breath. âare you?â he doesn't respond. after all the killing. the blood that stains his hands. his skin. won't come off no matter how hard he scrubs. heâs a murderer. yes, i am. sheâs too trusting. he wouldn't hurt her. never.
small. is how he would describe the apartment. small but homey. filled with greenery, color, and a tiny christmas tree. itâs tucked away. surrounded by lights at its base. it smells like chocolate, milk to be specific. but her as well. honeyed spices and dried fruits, tangy and sweet. the radio that he hears plays quietly. silent night in instrumental. his heart tightens in his chest.
heâs not sure how he ended up here. surrounded by her four walls. she suggests sweetly. eyes wide and sad at his destination. he declines. she isn't the type to take no for an answer. her brows are knitted. hands tightening. heâs enamored. he shouldn't stay. he should tuck and roll out the car while he has the chance. run. like heâs used to doing. too late the two pull in. sheâs pleased with herself. he grins faintly beneath his mask. cute.
the couch is a bed. it pulls out into one anyway. she busies herself. shuffling to get sheets and a comforter. itâs a faded baby blue, printed with delicate flowers. and she looks proud. smiling at the cozy couch. her lips are coated in a sheen. from the lip balm sheâd put on a second ago. and he adverts his eyes when she looks toward him. couldn't meet those wide eyes. sweet and nervous. he stares instead at the makeshift bed. she speaks. grins awkwardly.
âthank you.â he means it. itâs stiff. his voice hoarse from the cold but, he means itâ no matter how gruff it comes out. her hands. no longer swathed by wool gloves, slide down denim-clad thighs. lips press. and her head nods. she says his name again, but scurries before he can reply, and maybe itâs for the best. he can barely speak.
click.
he shouldn't. but he finds himself amused. good girl. he was still a stranger after all. a strange man she has willingly invited into her home. he wondered briefly if she was right in the head. right to slow for him. to smile at him. she couldn't be. unsure. he canât get comfortable. just lays there and listens to her faint voice. walls thin. voice muffled. but words clear. âdie tonight.ââ ââŠlove you.â he ponders.
he doesn't remember a ring. friend? mom? boyfriend? his heart aches. he doesn't know her. he has no right to feel anything. she was nice, too good. he was the opposite, with nowhere to go. nothing to offer. why was he here? he should leave. but sleep weighs heavy on his eyes. bing crosby lulls him to sleep. heâd be gone before she woke.
i've always thought simon to have very choppy thoughts. and always being very in his head. very observant. so yeah. listened to christmas music making this! hehehe
#writers on tumblr#female writers#call of duty#cod mwii#writeblr#tf 141#cod links#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost riley#simon riley x you#simon riley x f!reader#simon ghost x reader#simon riley blurb#ghost blurb#cod mw3#cod mw#cod mw2#simon riley#simon ghost x you#simon ghost riley x you#simon x reader#deunmiu dessie#hobo simon#the blindside inspired#call of duty modern warfare#simon riley imagine#simon ghost fluff#his pov
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i think this is a good time to bring up the matt dillon milk advert again
not necessarily a request but who (out of the greasers/curtis gang) do you think handles spice the best
iâve never gotten an ask like this omg i think iâve reached peak fame !!!! <3
âweâre going from best to worst on who can handle spice!
1. two-bit mathews
i feel like he can HANDLE spice. heâs the one guy on tiktok that shoves all the hot things he can get his hands on to eat it all at once. GIVE THIS MAN PLUTONIUM 9 AND HEâLL DRINK IT LIKE WATERRRR!!! spice connoisseur, dare i say.
2. steve randle
i believe he grew up in a household that had a cupboard of pure spices. steveâs the type of guy to eat those chicken burgers people sign forms for and come out fine. but sometimes he cannot handle spice. but thatâs only like once every 6 months.
3. johnny cade
johnny cade has a higher tolerance but still canât handle like those sandwiches you have to sign a waiver to eat. like heâll eat something that most people are dying after one bite and only his eyes will water with the occasional cough.
4. sodapop curtis
him and steve used to eat hot things for fun, so i imagine it built his tolerance!! but not by much. he eats hot takis without a reaction but anything higher than itâheâs coughing so hard
5. darry curtis
i imagine he COULD handle it well in theory, but in practice? HELL NO!! darry could build his tolerance quickly if he tried, but he doesnât bother. i donât think darry would even likes hot things tbh
6. ponyboy curtis
coughs and immediately starts crying after biting into a hot cheeto. peak white boy teenage behaviour. curly downs spicy things like itâs nothing, so he tries to convince ponyboy to eat some. tried it once, and he swears he seen heaven.
7. dallas winston
donât even bring pepper in his vicinity. heâs the guy that needs milk on standby whenever he eats anything other than salt. WILL NEVER EAT ANYTHING HOT.
#my man loves his milk#so i agree no chilliâs for dallas#and if you havenât seen this advert from the 80s search it up on youtube and prepare to have your life changed#take a shot every time he says man in that advert#diorgirl444#flo answers
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à©â§âË bags, clairo
đ©đđąđ«đąđ§đ : matt sturniolo x reader
đŹđźđŠđŠđđ«đČ: you were doing a challenge for chris's girlfriends youtube. then you and matts song came on!
đ°đđ«đ§đąđ§đ : swearing, fluff, very fluffy
a/n: i LVOE this request, thank so so much. btw, sorry if i misunderstood the thing and matt and the reader arent in a relationship HELP. anyway, i literally love bags by clairo so much.
this is based off this request!
âââââââââ đ You stood in the tripletâs kitchen with Madi and Chrisâs girlfriend Nat, short for Natalie.
For Natalieâs channel, you were doing a âbaking deaf, blind and muteâ challenge, where one had a blindfold on, one with headphones on, and one with tape covering their mouth.
Nat introduced the video, immediately getting on with the challenge.
âMADI, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?â Nat laughed loudly, due to her sudden loss of hearing, almost falling backwards.
âNat, I canât fucking see!â Madi yelled back, trying to pour the flour nicely into the bowl. You stood beside them, uncontrollably muffled-laughing because of the duct tape over your lips.
You tried your best to help them, but it was very hard to do when you couldnât communicate normally with them. From time to time, you took over Madiâs or Natâs tasks, pushing her out of the way.
The triplets were sitting on the couch behind the camera. Chris was having the time of his life, watching his girlfriend terribly fail at baking a few cupcakes. Nick was for the most part on his phone or going back and forth from his room and the couch.Â
Matt was also having fun, watching you try to get Madi and Nat out of the way so you could stop them from pouring batter on the floor. You had always been just a tad bit closer to Matt than Nick or Chris, until he finally confessed his mutual feelings for you.
â
âOkay, so we just put the cupcakes in the oven, so now weâre going to work on the icing. Iâm gonna be blindfolded, Madiâs is gonna be mute, and Y/n will be deaf. Alright, letâs start!â Nat clapped her hands, handing you the headphones.
You put your hair down, the headphones sitting comfortably. Nat grabbed her phone, turning on the song she had stopped mid-through.
You didnât recognize the first song, the second one being âyes, and?â by Ariana Grande. For the most part, you were standing beside your two friends humming along, occasionally smiling at Matt who was looking at you. He smiled back at you, adverting his gaze back to the mixing-bowl with the milk and vanilla.
âMADI, YOUâRE SPILLING THE MILK.â You yelled way too loudly, grabbing Madi by her shoulders with one hand, the other one stabilizing the bowl.
â
One song later, Madi was mixing the icing together to a thicker consistency. Your headphones were silent for a second, before your favorite song, Bags by Clario, started playing.
âGUYS, I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG!â You yelled, trying to jump along with the beat in the song. Madi and Nat completely took over as you danced along.Â
Matt looked up from his phone due to your yelling. Of course, he didnât know what song was playing, but he was curious. You backed away from Madi and Nat, dancing along to Bags.
âEVERY SECOND COUNTS, I DONâT WANNA TALK TO YOU ANYMORE, ANDâ You laughed, singing loudly along. Mattâs face almost instantly lit up, due to this being your guysâs favourite song.
Almost everywhere you went together alone, Matt was listening to it with you (even when he was alone). On late-night car rides, cuddling in his room, or quietly singing in the tripletâs car videos, it was your song.
Your relationship was kept secret from the tripletâs fandom since Matt didnât want you to receive hate or backlash. And you didnât mind, as long as you both were happy, it was all that mattered. Currently, you have been going strong for two and a half years.
âALL THESE LITTLE GAMES, YOU CAN CALL ME BY THE NAME I GAVE YOU!â Matt was beaming, staring in complete awe. If he wasnât already madly in love with you, he was now.
Nat was continuously gently slapping your arm to stop you from dancing, but you didnât budge. Almost like you were singing to Matt, you tried to point secretly at him, a smile immediately growing on your face as you locked eyes with him.
âCAN YOU SEE ME? IâM WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME,â You kept going, dancing, jumping, spinning, all sorts of expressions of excitement were expressed right then and there.
Nat and Madi had given up a long time ago, placing the rack with the cupcakes on the counter.
â
The following Thursday, Nat released the video to her channel.
You were cuddled up with Matt in your shared his bed, both mindlessly scrolling through social media. Matt was checking his Instagram, you on TikTok. One particular TikTok caught your eye.
An edit of you and Matt to Bags by Clairo. The clip of him mentioning the song in their Wednesday video, followed along by your singing.
You smiled to yourself, opening the comment section to find multiple people suspecting a possible relationship between the two of you. A bunch of people agreed, and a bunch of people turned it down.
You liked the edit, scrolling further, only to find more, more and more edits. Matt noticed your giggles, looking up from his phone to look at yours.
âAre you watching edits of.. us?â He smiled, putting his phone on his nightstand before turning back around to wrap an arm around your waist.
âYeah, look. Thereâs a fuck ton of them. To Bags!â You smiled from ear to ear, a faint blush creeping up on your cheeks. Matt stared at you in awe, looking back at your phone to see more edits. He couldnât stop smiling either, watching you so excited to see edits of you two to your favorite song.
âOh my God, I love you,â Matt chuckled, pressing a few kisses from your forehead, down the side of your face.
âMatt, I lov- it- it tickles, stop!â You laughed loudly, the tickling sensation making you drop your phone. He couldnât stop smiling, softly planting a kiss to your lips.
He pulled away slowly, his eyes glued on yours. âCan you send me that second one you showed me?â
â
a/n: i hope it lived up to your expectations arghhh, love the request once again, thank you thank you.
taglist: @chrissgirlsstuff @leah-loves-lilies @toriinie @cupidzsq @lacysturniolo @iluvmattyb @ratatioulle @emma4eva @riasturns @sstvrnioloo @sweetbabydoe @elliewrites1 @its-jennarose @abbypost @chrisstopherfilmed @sturniolossss @ducksturniolo @junnniiieee07 @klaus223492 @urfavvev3lyn @vschrissturn @cicimayx @keerahsturn let me know if you'd like to be added!
#sturniolo triplets#matt sturniolo#chris sturniolo#nick sturniolo#matt sturniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo fluff#matt sturniolo x you#matt sturniolo imagine#matt sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo smut#Spotify
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Liu [Yan Shapeshifter] and Darling utilizing Liu's mimicry to record some background ambience for a haunted house Darling is setting up. It's all fun and games until Liu pulls Darling aside to ask them something very important.
"Y/n?... Tonight has been a wonderful experience... Never would've guessed to use my er.... "gift" like this before. Spending time with you is what makes this season special to me... But there's something I need to ask you."
Concern creeps into the corners of your mind as your partner grips your shoulder, adverting their gaze. "What is it, Liu?"
Their unoccupied hand claws at the skirt of their apron, sorrow dripping from their words. "Promise me that no matter what I say, your feelings for me will never change?"
"I promise, Liu."
Liu takes in a breath, eyes drawing up to meet with yours.
"Would you still love me.... if I sounded like thissssss-"
Within seconds, their voice ages like a glass of milk left out in the blistering sun on a hot summer day. Dry and leathery, it reminds you a lot of their older neighbor next door who is far sweeter than his booming voice leads him on to be. The frequent loss of his hearing aids probably had something to do with that.
Lightheartedly swatting their hands away, you weave out of the way as Liu swoops in for a hug. "Liu. No. Cut it out-"
The attempt at seriousness in your tone stands to test against laughter you struggle to keep at bay.
Liu wraps their arms around you from behind, gingerly rubbing their nose to your cheek. "What's the matter, Sugar? Thought you said your feelings for me would stay the same regardless of what I had to say-"
"Last time I checked I was dating a twenty-four year old person. Not a man four times that age on his deathbed."
"I age every second you pretend like you don't love this. I'll be in a coffin soon enough."
"I love you, Liu.
"I love you too."
"If it means anything, I think your voice sounds best when it's you talking."
"It does."
#Liu my oc#yandere x reader#yandere headcanons#yandere#yandere imagines#yandere blurb#yandere insert#yandere x you#yandere oc#yandere scenarios#yandere drabble#yandere fluff#soft yandere
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go west, to the southern plains, go west to breathe (lover, share your road - part i) series masterlist | AO3 Link | prologue | part ii
chapter rating: T
word count: ~21K
chapter summary: at the end of the line, you make a business proposition to Joel Miller. He brings you and Ellie home to the last sanctuary left in this world in exchange for your skills. What you find there and what you find out about Joel Miller is not what you expect.
chapter warnings/tags: depictions of going hungry and poverty, sexual harassment, period accurate sexism, depictions of a sick child, reader depicted as skinny but due to lack of food not her natural body type (and this will change), allusions to domestic abuse, hurt/comfort, pining, the beginnings of a praise kink, let the idiots in love begin
a/n: shout out to the ever incredible @jennaispun for beta-ing the prologue and this first part!
âAfter a long walk in hell, I found you. You made hell feel like home, you made the flames feel warm. Itâs true, you havenât saved me but you were the closest thing to heaven.â â Maram Rimawi
part i:
Beneath the soot-gray fingertips of your gloves, the dust of the high plains sits coarse and heavy on the tattered, yellowing strip of paper. You hold it down flat as a brutish wind snakes up the empty dirt road through the center of Dalhart, grabbing hold of the brown dust that clings to everything â and tugs. Underneath your pale blue dress, with the hemline torn and the collar in need of stitching, your heart pounds as you read the small, almost guilty, advert:
Help wanted. Can pay.
Contact Joel Miller.
The promise of actual money should have had every able-bodied American scrambling to answer the advert, but by its place near the bottom of the announcement board outside of the country store, buried beneath slashed prices for milk and eggs and headlines out of Washington â it seems certain to be relegated into obscurity.Â
For all you know, this could be months, even years, old. Miller, whoever he was, could be long dead, or gone with the rest of the exodus to California. Or he could have gone the way of your âUncleâ Robert â a huckster, discovered too late; one of many who prey upon the desperation that sticks to the country like the acrid smell of smoke. Your hand shakes as you pluck the yellow card from the wooden plank. There is no contact number, no address. Another trick? Dust stings the corners of your eyes when you pinch them close, your breathing quickening, your pulse sharp in the sleeve of your ratty glove.Â
Oh, God, what are you going to do? What if this is nothing, just like Robertâs promise? What if thereâs nothing here for you? What if â
A small hand on your forearm centers your spiraling thoughts. From beneath a faded blue baseball cap, two brown eyes peer up at you, firm and reassuring.Â
âYou okay?â She keeps her voice low, just like you asked.
âYeah, ElâEllie, Iâm fine.â You squeeze her too-thin hand, your stomach toiling with guilt and its own emptiness. âJust figuring out what to do next.âÂ
âIs finding and murdering this asshole Robert still off the table?â
You frown, your nieceâs quick temper more from your dead sister than you. âIt is. Now, Iâm going inside to ask about this advert. Maybe this Miller still has a job or two open.â
Ellieâs eyes fall to the slip of paper in your hand, her aggressive scowl tightening into something that too closely resembles fear. She knows whatâs at stake just as much as you do and you hate that that knowledge ages her youthful face.Â
âYou stay close and donât let anyone get a good look at you, okay?âÂ
Ellie nods, already familiar with the routine, and scoops up your luggage case, her tattered satchel hanging off her other shoulder. She had been wearing pants long before reaching Dalhart, but it soothed you to think the eyes of cruel men passed right over her, their interest rarely in young boys.Â
A bell above the door tinkles when you open it, but by the dull, muted sound, it most likely has a few dents. Behind you, the afternoon heat follows you in, the sunlight illuminating the floating dust mites in the air. The door whines as it closes, brightening the inside of the store, where the mites settle back into the silver layer that sits over cans of tomatoes and peaches, linens, boxes of gum and cigarettes. Nearly everything sits untouched and unmoved, old dust settling between cracks and grooves, patrons not having enough money to buy something and the owner not having enough to change out stock. Struck still, frozen in a single, long exhale. The slow, creaking death of the economic system has reached Dalhart too. You shudder, suddenly cold as if in a mausoleum.Â
The further away from Boston the train took you, the further back in time you felt. Here, you are reminded of the old general stores of cowboys and pioneers. But maybe, that is exactly where you are: out of time.
A man in long white sleeves, coiffed hair, and perfectly round glasses, looks up from the wilted newspaper spread out over the counter.Â
âCan I help you?â His accent hails from the east, North Carolina most likely. However, his manners are not reflective of that famous southern hospitality. He looks at you like youâre a bad dream and it unsteadies you.
âY-yes. I, uh, Iâm hoping that you know a-a Miller. Joel Miller? I have his advert and Iâm, um, Iâm looking for work.âÂ
The manâs thin eyebrow jumps mockingly. Arenât we all, sister? But eventually, he shakes his head.
âLook, I donât know what youâre doing all the way out here, but this ainât no place for a young lady out on her own, job or no job. Whereâs your husband?â
âDead.â Your voice doesnât waver, but then again, why would it?Â
The clerkâs eyes soften, if only slightly. âI see. But Iâm sorry to say, there is no job here for you.â
Your mouth instantly dries out. âWhat do you mean? Whereâs Mr. Miller?â
âHeâs a mean olâ sunuvbitch, livin' God knows where. Comes in twice a month for supplies and heâs back out into the prairie.â
âIâm sorry, I donât see why thatâs a problem â,â
âHe ainât fit for civilized life, maâam.â The clerk drops his nose, eying you seriously over the rim of his black glasses. âWhatever heâs offering, you donât want no part of it.âÂ
âI think weâll be the judges of that.â Beside you, Ellie drops your suitcase and it loudly clatters to the ground. âThanks for the tip though.âÂ
The clerkâs eyes widen â this is terrible behavior even for a boy â his mouth unfurling to give a nasty tongue-lashing, when you interject, your voice thick with pleading.
âI would just like to meet the man. Please, sir.â The clerk, like most men without scruples, can barely resist the sound of a woman begging. Those uncanny blue eyes find you again. âHas he come in recently?â
You can feel Ellieâs wicked sneer behind you, the clerkâs gaze switching between the unlikely pair in his shop. Finally, he shrugs. Who gives a fuck if one more woman goes missing?
âHeâs due for a resupply.â
âHow soon?â Your palm sweats under your gloves.
He narrows his eyes, evidently annoyed that a woman would reject his warnings. âSoon. We have a parlor in the back if youâd like to wait for him. But you have to buy something,â he adds vehemently.Â
You nod, unsteady on shaking knees as you walk towards the door in the back of the store.Â
âThank you, sir. You have been so kind. We very much appreciate it.âÂ
Any chance that the clerk finds you sincere is lost when Ellie wraps her knuckles on the counter as she passes.
âBuh-bye, dude.âÂ
The parlor is small, dark, damp, and smells faintly of kerosene and leather. A woman, most likely the wife of the clerk you just annoyed, glares from behind a counter as you and Ellie walk in.Â
âLunch.â Not a question.
Ellie looks up at you, eyes wide, fearful. You hadnât let her see what is left in your purse, but she knows itâs low.
With your stomach in knots, you wouldnât be able to eat anyway. You pluck out a dollar, bringing your total down to three dollars, and giving it to your niece.
âOrder whatever you want.â
The beating heart of the blazing Texas sun edges downward across the open sky, falling, until it drops completely behind the harrowingly flat horizon. Purple erupts in its wake, the last pump of blood of a dying muscle, and nearly instantly, the temperature drops. You watch the explosive coronary of the sky from a table at the back of the parlor, your own pulse doubling the later it gets. You squeeze your hand between your thighs to keep your fingers from drumming uneasily on the table. But for once, Ellie doesnât pick up on your nerves.Â
A dollar went farther out here and, as a result, Ellie is allowed her first big meal in months. Twice now, sheâs nearly forgone the silverware to shove food directly into her mouth with her fingers, had it not been for your glares to remind her to slow down.
âThis is slow,â she grumbles as she licks her bowl of mashed potatoes clean. Of course, half of what she ordered sits waiting for you, but you know she needs this meal more than you do â even if your rumbling stomach disagrees. Youâd already had lunch at the train station; one more missed meal wonât kill you and less for you means more for Ellie.
Suddenly becoming a parent to a very opinionated fourteen-year-old girl was not something you had anticipated, and most times you figured you were doing it all wrong. The least you could do is give her everything you could.
âYou think heâll show?âÂ
You tear your eyes away from the parlor door, blinking back into your body out of your cloud of thoughts. Ellieâs little hands grip the bowl, a white smear sitting on her bottom lip, her eyes dark as they watch you.Â
You grin as her pink tongue swipes up to lick her mouth clean. How easy you forget sheâs only fourteen, with her loud mouth and provoking eyes. âEat your food, Ellie.âÂ
The words have barely left your mouth when the door to the parlor bursts open. Two men, clearly drunk and smelling of it, stumble in. This is the part where you wish you too could believably dress up like a man. Your pulse thrums in your neck like a heightened prey animal.Â
One pushes the otherâs shoulder, smirking, and grunting something. His friend, also in a cowboy hat but half his size, nods and makes an unsteady line for one of the tables, while the other does his best to get to the bar.Â
The man at the table has light green eyes, overly thick eyebrows, and a flat mouth, loose with drink. He flops into a wooden chair and you watch as the Texas Rangers badge on his chest flashes in the firelight behind him. Your stomach tightens.Â
He stretches out, feet crossed over his ankles, limp hands crossed over his denim jacket, hollering at his friend and the woman working, who looks equally displeased to see them as she did you and Ellie.Â
Smirking, his eyes slide from the wooden bar top, over the back wall, and right onto you.
You watch as his gaze blurs for a moment, a film of beastial hunger smothering the color of his eyes. You can feel your pulse in your ankles now.
âWell, now, what do we have here?â The lilt in his voice calls out two unspoken words: fresh meat. Distressingly steady, he climbs to his feet, his hat tilted obnoxiously on his forehead. âWhere did you come from, you pretty little thing?âÂ
He saunters over, his thumbs stuck in his belt, the gun at his side snug in its holster. The grin on his face is hideous. Youâd smack it off if you werenât suddenly overcome by a debilitating fear. A look like that on a man is never, ever a good thing.
âWhatcha got there, Lee?â his buddy calls out from the bar, beard drenched in beer foam.Â
âI dunno quite yet, Knapp,â he says over his shoulder, his livid green eyes never leaving your face. He nearly folds in half to press his spider-like hands on the surface of your table, coming inches from your face. His breath smells like corn whiskey and cheap tobacco. âGuess Iâll have to find out. Whatâs your name, pretty thing?âÂ
âOr she could not tell you her name and instead, you could fuck off.â Ellieâs scowl wrenches her mouth open, her knuckles white around her spoon. Thereâs a part of you that fully acknowledges and accepts that if given the signal, sheâd scoop the fuckerâs eyes out with the silverware right here. âWeâre eating here, or are you too busy smelling like a fucking whiskey barrel to notice?â
As with most adults when Ellie decides to show her teeth, Lee stares stunned before the self-righteous anger sets in. Your heart stops for a moment when you think heâs going for his holster, but instead, he uses the flat of his hand to swat her hat off her head.
âShut up, you little fucker, whereâd you learn your fucking maâ,â
Ellieâs long hair tumbles down her shoulders, the baseball cap on the floor behind her.Â
Lee is stunned into silence once again. The parlor goes deathly silent.
Itâs Knapp who sets off the explosive spark again. âHoly fuck, youâre a little girl.â
Ellie snatches up her hat, cheeks flaming red, but Leeâs hand grabs her wrist.Â
âA kinda cute one at that,â Lee sneers. He twists her arm and she yelps. Knapp at the bar laughs, his paunch shaking as beer sloshes over the side of his glass. The woman is cleaning something with a rag, turned away from the scene, her shoulders hunched to her ears. Youâre on your feet, your hand on her purse. âWhat are you thinking, hm? Dressing this sweet little girl up like a boy?â
The trigger clicks and Lee and everyone else in the parlor freezes. The edge of your lash line is wet, fear rolling through you like fog on the bay. Your hand is steady, miraculously, but your voice isnât.
âL-l-letâ,â your voice cracks and you try again. You only have one gun drawn on Lee and you pray to whatever god is listening that Knapp doesnât remember his. âLet her go.âÂ
This small pistol is your last line of defense against those who would take everything from you. You couldnât keep your sister safe, your husband didnât want to be saved, but youâd die before youâd let anyone come within an inch of Ellie. You pawned off your wedding ring long before you ever considered selling this weight in your hand. You couldnât physically win a fight but youâd be damned if you werenât going to take someone out with you.
Thereâs more than one reason you never let Ellie look into your purse. You wonât make eye contact with her now.
Leeâs eyes harden into black flints in his head. âYeah? Youâre shaking like a leaf. You ainât gonna do shit about it.â
He twists harder, forcing Ellie to her knees, his mouth smearing into a sickening sneer, Ellieâs cries loud â âget off me, you fucker!â
All you have to do is miss. Once.Â
Your arm shifts right and you fire. You meant to hit the floor, but instead the leg of a chair at a nearby table shatters, wood and smoke sparking into the air. Lee and Ellie jump, their struggle broken, but Ellieâs quicker, smarter. Hunched to avoid debris, they are nearly eye to eye and Ellie doesnât hesitate; she jerks her head back and then launches her forehead forward â square into his flat nose.
The crunch is sickening and it turns your already empty stomach. Lee shrieks, releasing Ellie, his hands flying to his misshapen nose to staunch the river of blood pouring from his nostrils.Â
âYou bitch!â he whines, voice wet and gummy as blood trickles down his throat, eyes watering. You hear a roar of anger as Knapp stands, no longer finding any of this funny.
âGet behind me, Ellie.â You snap, eyes on Knapp as he lumbers forward. She hesitates, looking like sheâd like nothing more than to kick Lee up the balls, but obeys the closer Knapp comes. She slots behind you, eyes sharp on the squealing man on the floor.Â
âShe broke my fucking nose, man,â he cries, face already purpling.Â
âYeah, and donât you forget it, you fucker!â She snarls over your shoulder. One hand holds your elbow, and the other brandishes her motherâs knife that had been at the bottom of her satchel seconds ago. Fuck.Â
Ellie Williams is not, and never has been, nor will be, one to deescalate a situation. Knapp responds in kind. His drunk fingers fumble with his holster, his face contorted with rage.
âShootinâ at an officer of the law â youâre gonna hang for this, you thieving little câ,â
âKnapp.â
A fifth voice â low, deep, a mammalian bark that grinds the chaos of the room to a halt. The large man stalls, his engine snagged by the rough grain of that voice. On the floor, Lee lets out one quiet whimper as he cracks open a pulsating black eye.
In the glow of the firelight, you watch as beads of sweat swell on Knappâs big forehead beneath his wide-brimmed hat. His wide eyes flash between you and the man who just walked in.
âM-Miller, the fuck you want?âÂ
Your heart seizes in your chest. Miller.Â
Joel Miller.Â
You never thought your saving grace would come in the shape of a hulking, dark-eyed man.Â
A well-worn handkerchief around his neck, crusted over with dust, his broad shoulders stretch a denim work shirt, the unbuttoned collar loose and just as dirty. Worked-over hands, dry and brown as the earth, curl into fists at his side. Tight jaw, flared nose, eyes black, his presence expands in the cramped room, a leviathan cresting dark waves to command the roaring void.Â
âBack off, both of you.âÂ
Knapp sneers, desperately tugging at some misguided sense of bravery, with sweat running hot and fast and smelly down the sides of his rubbery face. âY-yeah, or what?âÂ
âYou fuckinâ know what.â
Knapp visibly swallows and lowers his pistol, hands trembling. Lee whines from the floor, his eyes open as wide as the swelling will allow, abject terror on his face as he stares up at Miller. Neither of them move.
A guard dog satisfied by the corralled sheep, Joelâs heavy gaze roves from the two men, across the room, to you.
His expression doesnât change.Â
The weight shifts across the stiff planes of his shoulders, and he turns, leaving as quickly as he appeared. Beneath his thick boots, the wooden floor creaks and it rouses you. Your mouth is so dry you can feel the skin of your lips split apart.Â
âMr. Miller, w-wait.â
He doesnât.Â
With a single glance to the men still frozen in terror, you follow him through the now-dark and empty store. The cold desert air cracks hard against your overheated cheeks when you burst through the door, into the black night. The moonlight illuminates the threads of silver hair in his beard that the dark parlor hid. His fingers work slowly, unhurriedly, as he tightens the leather buckle beneath the wide girth of his off-white horse. It lifts its head as you stumble out onto the dusty road, its round eyes watching you with more interest than its rider. White ears twitch forward, a snort from the long snout, and Joel rubs the soft place between two giant nostrils without looking up.Â
âJ-Joel â Mr. Miller, please, I need your help.âÂ
âAlready got it.â His shoulders flex and roll as he loads up another loose sack onto the rump of the horse, then tightens the securing belt. It snorts again and shifts on its hooves, its long tail flicking back and forth.Â
You shake your head, swallowing the hot rush of embarrassment. The wind licks at your ankles and you fight back a shiver, bringing a hand to your shoulder to warm the goosebumps. âNo, sorry, I mean â Iâm here to help you. I saw your advertisement and I was wondering if the position was still open.â
The buckle quiets. The dirt at his feet crunches as he faces you.Â
There are no trees in Dalhart, Texas. There are barely any clouds, no coverage. Overhead, the few buildings not yet folded up in the wake of the financial collapse throw shadows over his angular face, but you can still feel the trace of his gaze over you. A curious search, the investigation of scent.Â
Then he shakes his head.
âNo.âÂ
Your entire chest tightens. âHas the position been filled?â
âNo.â
âThen whyâ,â
âI donât need you.â He lifts up the third and final sack and you feel your hope being carried away with it. âNeed a farm hand. Youâre not the type.â
âN-n-no, Iâve worked on a farm. I-Iâve only planted seeds but Iâm a quick learner and Iâ,â
âNo.âÂ
âSir â please, Iâll do anythingâ,â
âThen go home.â He unties the reins from the wooden post and clicks to the horse. Its big eyes watch you as he turns them for the road. âThereâs nothing here for you.âÂ
You absolutely will not cry in front of this gruff stranger. Panic icing down your spine, you follow him on weak knees. In the wake leftover from the wheat boom, Dalhart is quiet as soon as the sun goes down. Empty of people, of light, of any sort of guiding hand, you try to appeal to the last human youâve found at the end of the world.
âMr. Miller, there must be something you need. Iâm a hard worker, smart, you wonât have to train me at all. Please. Iâve been a housekeeper, a seamstress â a nurse. I â,â
The horse huffs when Joel pulls tight on the reins.Â
In the moonlight, all of his hair looks gray. Your heart plunges in your throat. You can feel your stomach trying to digest your spine.
âDone any work with kids?â He asks, after a moment.Â
His brisk question is not what you expected. You can barely hear him over the pounding in your heart.Â
âY-yes. Iâve treated children before. A-and I was a teacher, briefly. Iâm very good with children, actually.â
The scarred hand at his side tightens, flexes open and closed, the tips of his thumb and forefinger twitching over the other. Over his shoulder, you think his head tilts a centimeter towards you.
âYou know what? Fuck this.âÂ
Out of the shadows of the county store, Ellie tears down the steps, her face pink and her hair stuffed back up her ball cap. She loops her small hands around your forearm and tugs, her eyes like chips of bark, glaring hatefully at the man in the middle of the street. Faint dust churns beneath her faded sneakers.Â
âSheâs fucking begging you and you donât give a fuck, you old shithead!â She tugs again. In the flash of the moonlight, a glassy film has settled over her eyes. âCâmon, we donât need him. We â donât need â him.âÂ
âEllie, please!â You grab her by the shoulders, a soft hand in a swirling tempest, and she settles, her mouth twisted up in anger and embarrassment. She hates that you have to beg anyone. âPlease.â Shielding her from him, you squeeze her shoulders. âI know, Ellie. I know. But I have to keep you safe.â
Ellie finally turns that hot glare at you, eyes damp. Petulant when terrified, your sister was the exact same way.Â
Fuck, Anna, it should have been me.
âShe yours?â
Joel rests his weight on his left knee, fingers loose around the reins. Heâs lowered the mask around his mouth. You snap your head up, your voice thankfully steady. âSheâs my niece. She . . . Iâm responsible for her.âÂ
Below your palms, Ellie stiffens.Â
Fifteen feet from you, Joel nods, the muscle in his jaw tight. The horse huffs and he glares at it like it just yelled at him too. Â
âIâm not in the habit of pickinâ up strays,â he says as if that means a lot.Â
Hope springs in your chest and it snags the air in your lungs. âWeâre not. I-I mean, weâll work hard. Please, give us just one chance.â
âAnd you expect me to take on the both of you.â It isnât a question, but his eyebrow arcs all the same. âThatâs two mouths I gotta feed, âsteada one.âÂ
âShe can have mine.â In the silence, you think you can hear the faint choir of crickets. You remember the tarantulas and centipedes that lived inside the walls of your husbandâs prairie dugout, and your stomach twists. âEllie can have whatever you give us.âÂ
She makes a brief cry of protest, but you squeeze her shoulders. The sharp flair of his nostrils smooths and the corners of his eyes pinches, tilting his eyebrows up. Heâs still glowering, but somehow, his expression has suddenly opened, just a crack.Â
And then he nods.Â
âStay here a night. Iâll be back in the morning with the wagon.âÂ
And thatâs it. You have a job.Â
Youâre so elated it takes a minute for his words to sink in. He turns back down the road, the horse's hooves clipping on the dry ground. You follow after him, hand outstretched.
âOh, no, w-we can walk, itâs no trouble. Let me just get our things andâ,â
âToo far to walk. And thereâs things out in the dark more dangerous than those fuckinâ rangers.â He nods to the country store, eerily quiet. It sits, ugly, like a brown old frog. âThereâs a hotel just up the road. Itâs not much, but itâll do for one night.â
âBut, sir, we really canât stay. I donât â thereâs no â,â
You stumble to a stop when those merciless dark eyes root you to the ground. The leather reins squeak when he tightens his fist around them. Again, you are under the impression of a dog sniffing out your scent for any deception, any treason. He takes you in, all of you in â your ratty gloves, your torn hemline, your tattered collar â and by some miracle, he doesnât say anything. Instead, the groove above his nose softens.Â
Wordlessly, he reaches into his back pocket and takes out five dollars from a brown leather wallet. He offers it to you between two fingers.Â
Take it, his eyes command.Â
You do, with a shaking hand. You hate charity, you hate that youâre at his mercy â
But Ellie has a bed for the night. Inside, warm. Where, hours ago, she didnât. You smother your pride and nod, gaze at the scar on his cheek that you only now notice at an armâs length away.Â
âOne night,â he says. âFor you and the kid.â
You nod again because thatâs all you really can do, his pity clutched in your fist and held against your heart.Â
Ellie scowls as he swings up onto the horse and readjusts his mask.Â
âWhat a guy,â she murmurs to you, her eyes still narrowed. Joel clicks his teeth, and the horse trots off into the dark, a lone man riding out into the featureless night.
Evidently still feeling slighted, Ellie sticks her tongue out at the denim back.
âBetter keep that tongue in your mouth, kid,â he hollers before digging his heels into the horseâs flanks. âLiable to be chopped off like a copperhead.â
Ellieâs mouth snaps shut.
The money Joel gave you is more than enough to cover a room and another plate of food. You even spurge your own money on some small candy for Ellie, determined to give Joel back every cent left over and then some, once youâve proven you can earn your keep.
For you and the kid.
You shake your head, lost in your own thoughts, the gnawing hunger in your belly satiated, as you pull back the covers to the twin bed. The metal frame squeaks as you climb in, your night dress thin and ragged as the rest of your clothes.Â
âCâmon, Ellie, time for bed.â When she doesnât move, you stop rearranging the pillows and look at her. In her own white nightie (because sheâd outgrown all her other pajamas), she sits in front of the roaring fire, her chin on her knees, and her arms wrapped around her shins.Â
Sheâs quiet - either a good sign, or a terrible one.Â
âEllie, sweetie, weâve gotta get some sleep. Itâs gonna be a long day tomorrow.âÂ
You watch as her narrow back expands and falls in one slow breath, her skin bright in the firelight.
She nods mutely and climbs into the space beside you. She rolls onto her side, away from you, her hands tucked up under her head, her knees curled up beneath her.Â
This is where Anna would know what to say. How to soothe this girl with so much awareness in a world that is raw to even those willfully ignorant. You canât bullshit Ellie the way you can some kids. She knows too much. Seen too much.Â
You settle down next to her in the shadow of her shoulder. Your fingers hover, locked between the yawning gap of touching her and not touching her, when she finally speaks.
âIs this really going to work?â Her voice is quiet, soft, dust-covered and buried. âIs Joel really gonna . . . are we safe?â
You cannot bullshit Ellie Williams.
âI donât know. Iâd like to think so. I know you donât like him, but I think we can trust him.â
Sheâs quiet again, only this time because thereâs something she doesnât want to say.Â
âNot like Uncle Robert â or Robert, if thatâs even his real name. Iâd never met the man in person, but I wanted â so badly â to believe . . .â You swallow, your own shame boiling your skin. âI think weâre safe with Joel Miller.â
The godâs honest truth.Â
She hears it in your voice.
Ellie tips back to look you in the eyes. Sheâs lost so much weight recently. âYeah?â
You tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear, the ghost of your thumb across her cheek. She allows the show of affection. âYeah, El. I do.âÂ
You want to say: you can trust me. Iâll always take care of you.
But you know it would only come out hollow.
Neither of you would think it was honest.Â
She pulls away from your grasp, her eyes almost golden in the firelight. She nods and stares at the burning wood.Â
âOkay.â
âSo . . . is your car, like, broken or something?â
You elbow Ellie and she sits up from hanging over the edge of the wagon. She frowns at you â what? â and you both glance at Joel at the front of the wagon. If the question annoys him any more than he perpetually already is, he doesnât show it.Â
âDonât have one.â He says to the back of the horse. The wagon rocks and sways over the clods of dust and stone in the road. âNever did.â
âUh, why?â
âCars break down in the dust storms. Short out. They end up being more trouble than theyâre worth.âÂ
Again, that half-centimeter turn, his tone implying what his eyes canât, faced away from you. Ellie narrows her eyes at the back of his head. She wrenches her mouth open, fire in her eyes, but she catches you glaring, and her mouth snaps shut. Pouting, she chucks a lone pebble off the back of the wagon.Â
The sky is strikingly blue, bright as a livewire, the air warm and crackling with the early summer heat. Away from Dalhart, away from the collection of dust on every surface, dripping through every crack, you find the clarity and distance of the southern plains to be . . . unexpected. So careless and abrasive one minute, but then, in moments like these, it became hard to believe that nature could ever be so cruel as to make the earth rise up and swallow it all whole.Â
You swing your legs off the wooden edge, the sunshine warm on your knees. Itâs no use trying to hide how badly your socks need darning, so you lean back and stretch your legs as far as you can, your face tilted towards the sky, the still air peaceful. This morning, youâd put on your yellow plaid dress, torn cotton lace around the sleeves that stop at your elbows. You tucked your hair up and pinned your straw hat to your head. It was a reflex, to present your most beautiful self to a man, even one you barely knew. By the way Ellie had rolled her eyes, she felt no such compulsion.Â
Demure, your mother always told you, youâre not very pretty, youâre not very bright, the least you can be is demure.Â
The wagon shudders, clicks, over the empty road and you open your eyes. Ellie is turned away from you, eyes out to the fields on either side of you. You donât understand what sheâs looking at, until you realize thatâs exactly it: there is nothing to look at. On the other side of those loopy barbed-wire fences through cock-eyed posts, there are miles and miles of nothing but churned-over dirt. A lazy wind spins over a patch of emptiness, tossing clods and sand into the air, an aimless sadness as tangible as the dust itself. Phone lines stand, corroded and chipped, along the side of the road like tangible manifestations of a deadly infection.Â
âThereâs no crops here either.â Ellie says, voicing loudly what you only thought. You canât see her face but she sounds as stunned as you are. âWhat happened?â
You watch over her shoulder, eyes level with the earth bleached of all material, all life. With the drought, your husbandâs field shriveled up in months, the cracked ground peeling away from the sodhouse in some places. You still have nightmares about waking up with grit between your teeth, choking and coughing up bloody chunks of mud.
This is desolation on an epidemic scale.Â
âAsk different people ân theyâll tell you different things.â Joel says in his slow drawl, the crackle of the earth soft beneath the wooden wheels. âNo one really knows. But nothing like this happened when the buffalo grass was here, âsteada wheat.â
âWait, you were here before Dalhart?â Ellie twists on the wagon, leaning over the lip where Joel sits and drives the horse.Â
âMy family was. Here before anything. My grandpa befriended the Comanche Indians and â,â
âYou got to hang out with Indians?â Ellie nearly hurls herself over the edge of the wagon to try and look him in the eye. âWhat are they like â did they teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow â can they really ride horses like that â,â
âEllie!â You want to grab her by her collar and yank her back into the wagon. âNot so many questions.â
The noise Joel makes is somewhere between a grunt and the word no.
âItâs fine â, â he looks down at Ellie, still curled around the back of the seat, her eyes wide with a giant smile on her face. His ever present scowl doesnât seem any deeper, nor does it deter her. Joel turns away again and in the sunlight, his hair is gooey, caramel brown. You stare at the dirt road while listening, the back of your neck hot. âTheyâre good people. Didnât deserve what happened to them â to any of âem. But they taught my grandpa and grandma how to take just what they need, nothing more. But then everybody needed grain, offered money for cheap, easy labor. They poured in here, into the prairie, and in years, it became this. Folks blame the drought, but itâs moreân that.â
Ellieâs inordinately quiet. She knows exactly what your husband did to you, to your family, and now, maybe to the entire land.Â
ââNext yearâ people, they claim,â Joel continues, his voice deepening with anger, âânext yearâ, thingsâll be better. âNext yearâ the rainsâll come. âNext yearâ the wheatâll return.â He shakes his head, boots creaking against the toeboard. âAnyone who thinks that is lyinâ to themselves. Anyoneâs whoâs been here, seen whatâs here, for us itâs been â,â
âThe end of the world.âÂ
The silence that follows your words stretches long, an anchor dropped off the end of the wagon and rattling around the wheels. You swing your legs, fingers curling around a tear in your hemline. It wasnât the first time youâd heard those words to describe the state of things. Thatâs what your husband called it and you believed him.Â
Evidently, Joel agrees. His wide shoulders taught, the denim blue faded beneath the boundless sky, he nods.
âGriiim,â Ellie mutters as she curls up and drops her chin on her knees.Â
Youâve been watching a single cloud chase the sun from the floor of the wagon when Ellie, silent for all of about fifteen minutes, lifts her head from her hands draped over the edge. Her eyes go wide, her ears pink from the sun, and says:
âWhoa.â
The horse huffs as you sit up, a soft wind snagging the loose hairs on the back of your neck, and your mouth drops.Â
Grass.Â
Fields of it.Â
The air is fresh, warm, and filled with the scent of living, breathing earth. Tipped with lush purple seeds shaped like paintbrushes, a sea of stalks bend and ripple in the cooling breeze, undulating like waves on solid ground. The wind is soft here, teasing, rolling through the tall grass, carrying the scent of growth and green in the air. Youâre suddenly aware of how dry your mouth is, cracked and padded with dust.Â
âWe left it be.â Joel offers simply, voice too gruff to surely be filled with pride. âItâs endured and survived, and so have we.â
Further back, you can see where the line of his property ends â a harsh division of paradise and purgatory â and marked to the north by a dip in the ground and even over the crunch of the wheels over the ground, you hear it: water.Â
A river. An oasis in a wasteland.Â
Ahead of the white tufts of hair on the horse, the road curves, disappearing into the sea of grass, but letting your graze drift up, you see an a-frame home, white like a lighthouse at the edge of a storm. The instant the home comes into view, Joel clicks his tongue, urging the horse faster â eager.Â
He leads the horse up through the road, through the grass, and on the other side, by the river, two cows chew up the green, oblivious. Beyond them, tucked behind the house is a barn. Low to the ground but wide, hunched like a fighter with a heavy center of gravity, it looks ready to endure and survive. As this entire secret world had.Â
Joel tugs the horse to a stop, the wagon rattles as it slows, by the wide porch of the a-frame. It sits also low to the ground, wider with a dark roof, held together with something black and smeared. Youâre so distracted by the unique qualities of this house in the middle of paradise that you miss it when the door creaks open until youâre staring down the barrel of a shotgun.
âWho are you?â The voice behind the gun is deep, even if the barrels shake slightly. In the dark of the doorframe, you canât quite see their face, only their short stature.Â
You see Ellieâs hand twitch towards her knife, which she now carries in her sock since the night of the county store.Â
However, Joel is less concerned. In fact, the boulders of his shoulders loosen, ease to simple muscle and blood. He makes a noise that on anyone else, it might be considered a laugh, a chuckle, but he isnât even capable of smiling â
He slings down from the seat and pats the horse.
âEasy there, Annie Oakley, itâs just me.âÂ
The shadow in the doorway stiffens.
âDad?â
The shotgun lowered, the shadow staggers into the light. Brown eyes, just like his, scrunched against the blinding sunlight, a girl with the most beautiful head of curls blinks at Joel, her thin hand held up to shield her face.Â
âHey there, baby girl.â
In a single leap, she jumps down from the porch but all too quickly, the smile slips from Joelâs face.
âHang on, not too fastâ,â
She stumbles towards him as best as the metal braces around her knees, down to her ankles, will allow, defiant and smiling, despite the beads of sweat that have swelled over her forehead. Joel surges forward, faster than you thought possible, and reaches for her, nearly on one knee.Â
âSlow down, please, Sarah.â
âDad, Iâm fine,â she huffs before tossing her arms around his neck. âIâm fine. Just â missed you, is all.âÂ
You canât see his face, but he straightens up still holding her. With one hand he flattens those curls to her cheek, and kisses the other.Â
âEnough to forget all the things I taught you about gun safety? You just tossed that thing aside,â he scolds fondly. She rolls her eyes as he sets her down.Â
âOkay, but if you didnât know it was me, you wouldâa been totally scared, right?âÂ
She watches as he chuckles, a deep, warm sound, but her own smile flatlines when she spies Ellie climbing down from the wagon. You ease off the edge, your lower half sore from the ride.Â
The girl, Sarah, narrows her eyes.Â
âWho are you?â She positions her body slightly in front of Joelâs. âAnd why are you dressed like a boy?âÂ
Joelâs soft scolding â âSarahâ â is lost beneath Ellieâs scoff. She adjusts her satchel.Â
âWhy are you dressed like Raggedy Ann?âÂ
Her fatherâs massive hands clench down on her shoulders, Sarahâs scowl evident that sheâs about half a second away from launching herself at Ellie, leg braces be damned.Â
âNow, letâs slow down here.â Joelâs deep baritone is light, but just as firm as his grip. If you knew him better, youâd think he is about to laugh, the lines around his eyes thick, while his mouth stays flat. âWe got off on the wrong foot. Sarah, this is Ellie and her aunt. Theyâre going to be staying with us for a while to help out with your schooling.â
Those curls go flying, her frown now pinched in worry. Another girl caught between a child and adult â for the sake of their single parent, you notice, your chest tight.Â
âI thought you needed a farm hand. You were going to teach me.âÂ
âYou know you already read better than I do.âÂ
âDadâ,â
âMiss here is also a nurse.âÂ
âOh. Oh.â She glances down at the metal braces as if sheâd forgotten they were there. The skin on her knees is chaffed, rubbed pink. âShe can . . . help me?â
Twin pairs of brown eyes settle on you, one hesitantly curious, the other aggressively determined.Â
You can, right?
Ellieâs staring at the braces, her gaze distant, heavy. Sheâd seen this before, but everything back then moved too fast. Back then, there was no time for braces.
Braces only help a small percentage of polio patients. The lucky ones. Â
You nod, your heart hammering under your chest bone. âYes â yes, sir. I think with Ms. Kennyâs therapy, we might be able to alleviate some pain.âÂ
Those eyes, exactly like and so unlike her fatherâs, widen.
âReally?â
You introduce yourself with your first name, pressing the crease in your glove between your nail and your thumb with your other hand.
âIâd like to try, Sarah.â
You suddenly understand that Sarah is Joel Millerâs most guarded secret, out here in paradise, paradise as the most beautiful prison in the world. He continues to stare at you from under thick eyebrows after Sarah moves away from him. Ellie, caught off-guard by her forward movement, takes a significant step back.
âI, um, got some marbles out back,â Sarah starts, thumbing over her shoulder, and every other word sounding like an apology. âIf you wanna play.â
Ellie jerks forward, her eyes round with excitement, but stops. She looks at you.
âCan I?âÂ
Soft when eager, just like her mother. So unlike you. You nod.
âStay close, okay?âÂ
You and Joel watch as Ellie and Sarah toddle around to the back of the house, Ellie quietly narrating every thought she has as she keeps pace with Sarah.
Those look actually really cool, you know?
Yeah?
Totally. Have you read Amazing Stories? You look like you could be part of the Space Family Robinson.
Who are they?
Oh, youâve never read those!? Okay, so theyâre a family who live in space and they go on these awesome adventures together to different planets and . . .
The farther they go, the faster Joel turns back to stone. His gaze lingers just a hint longer before those dark eyes pin you to the ground.Â
âYou said you can clean? Cook?âÂ
You nod quickly. âYes, sir.â Guard dog Joel. Stocky pitbull, teeth long and wet Joel.
He tilts his chin towards the house.
âKitchenâs in the back. I gotta clean up the wagon and the horse, then gonna tend the field. Iâll be back in a few hours, but Sarah knows where to find me if yâneed somethin'.â
You nod again, but he misses it, turning away to unbuckle the horse. You slide your trunk and Ellieâs satchel off the end of the wagon and head into the shadow of the house.
The white clapdoor snaps shut behind you, followed by the softer snik of the screen clicking into its frame. Slipping the bobby pins out of your hair to release your hat, you take in the Miller home.
The air is cool. Dust motes float in the sunlight streaming in from the second floor over a staircase with wooden wainscoting leading away from the open front room. With a brief glance up, you can see the faded white walls of the upper hallway, some not-yet-seen window drawing in bolts of morning light that pierce the air in bullet holes. Itâs quiet and it smells warm, like lace kept in the back of a drawer near a wall that faces the heat outside.Â
A blue two-seater couch faces a squat fireplace, with a Queen Anne table sandwiched between the two. Behind you, a large grandfather clock ticks and waits, a server waiting in the shadows with a watchful eye to report back to its master on the going-ons of the house. With only a cedar hutch, a few daguerreotypes, a smattering of books, the room is sparsely decorated, but kept clean and organized. You could see Sarah, a focused look in her eyes, sitting on the steps of the stairs and making Joel move and rearrange furniture over and over again until the room felt right.Â
Through a white arched doorway, you find yourself in the kitchen. The light sparks more brightly here, the sky a stark blue through the four square window over the kitchen table and above the sink, reflective of the sun. You realize then the house runs north to south at an angle, where there are limited windows in the walls on the east and west sides, thereby limiting direct sun exposure and, more importantly, heat. Both the kitchen and the front rooms had been built out of the line of the sun, making cooking and cleaning and living bearable without a painful glare.Â
A thoughtful and patient consideration.
Someone had attempted to add some levity with brown and blue plaid wallpaper around the cove of the dinner table, all the way to the other side of the room around the kitchen counters and stove. But unfortunately for everyone else, the wallpaper is hideous, only tampered by the off-white counters and cupboards.Â
The cupboards have glass doors, blurring ceramic cups and plates on the tops of the shelves.Â
It reminds you of the small apartment Anna and you lived in back in Boston, when it was just the two of you. It wasnât much, but it felt sturdy, secure. Safe.
A door to the right of the stove has a latch, and you lift it and poke your head inside. A chilly darkness greets you, along with the scent of wet, deep earth. A basement? No. Not this close to the kitchen. Curiosity pulling you forward, you descend the sturdy wooden stairs, into the sunken darkness. You count ten until a draft licks your ankles. You keep going, one squeak of wood after another until - you touch soil. The heady scents of pine bark and peat moss soothe the air from where your feet press into the ground, fertility thick like mushrooms in the gut of a lichen-drenched tree. But itâs dark, too dark to make out much, barely your own hand in front of your face. With your fingers outstretched, as if youâll bump into a gas lamp conveniently on the ground, you shuffle forward and almost immediately a cold chain tickles your face. You grab out of instinct and pull.Â
Nearly blinded by the light that erupts from an exposed bulb directly in front of your left eye, you stagger back, wincing, your footsteps muffled by the earthen floor. You blink through the tears as the secret at the end of the stairs finally reveals itself.Â
A pantry. A cellar.Â
At least twenty feet deep and ten feet high, with rows and rows, stacks and stacks, wood shelves cover nearly the entire length of the underground room. In between the rows, large barrels sit, quiet and sturdy, with bottles of vinegar and olive oil sitting on their rims.Â
You realize two things within seconds of each other.Â
This house has electricity. It stands above the ground, proud, independent, full of heat and light. So unlike your husbandâs dark hole in the ground.Â
and
there is so much food.Â
Pickling jars. Seed pouches. Culled wheat. Cans of fruit and vegetables and eggs. Olives with squash and pumpkins. Crates of potatoes and half bottles of wine and syrup. Onions and carrots and spices and garlic.
A feast. Meals for days and days and days. The bounties of earth stored, safe beneath the ground, like a secret.Â
Itâs more food than youâve seen in years.
A hunger like you canât remember having roars in your stomach out of nowhere and everything pitches to the right. The edges of your vision blurs, your shoulder knocking into stone wall, and breathing becomes a nearly impossible task. You turn, nearly stumbling up the dozen steps that have turned into a thousand.
The tacky memories that stick to the crevices of your dreams yawn awake, bringing with them dry mud in your mouth and thick salt to your eyes. Mud, dirt, dust â everywhere. In that stinking hut in the ground, the dust replaced your molecules, your atoms, until you too might blow away, until you are cracked and empty and dry. The static from the dust storm memories shoots down both of your arms and you sway on your feet. Your heart suddenly pounding so achingly fast, you have to drop your forehead against the flat surface of the closed door to keep the room from spinning.Â
You had forgotten what safety looked like.
You had forgotten what living could be.
You know the ringing sound of that gunshot is just in your head, itâs not real, but you shudder all the same, your hands curling into claws under your chin, your nails tearing up the white paint.Â
Youâre here, not there. You are safe. Ellie is safe. That house and him have been entombed together under piles of dirt, with the bugs and the rot and the stench from the weak stove. Rivers of sweat rolling down the back of your neck, you beg yourself to stop shaking. You feel like cheap terracotta pottery â made from dirt, left too long to bake in the sun and made brittle; one good tap and youâll shatter.Â
You breathe in and taste wet salt. Breathe out and cry â cry from the fear and the dread and the relief and the hope. God, that hope tastes worse than all the dirt in the Panhandle of Texas.
You cry and cry and cry until you donât feel so brittle anymore.
Sunlight has struck copper, heavy, tangy in the mouth, when the back door opens and the house is instantly filled with the sound of girlsâ rabid conversation. You step back from the stove, cheeks warm and arm sore from continuously stirring the rice and vegetable soup. Itâs not as thick as your mother once made, but without milk, it would be nearly impossible to improve. You smile at the girls as they tumble in, more dust mite than human, whispering about some secret.Â
âHaving fun?â You ask with a grin on your face as Ellie helps Sarah take off her shoes, already attentive to what a girl with her health concerns might need.Â
Thereâs an overlap of chatter as Ellie and Sarah both answer you and then, answer each other.
âWell, good,â you say, turning back to the stove, making sure the bottom of the soup doesnât burn, âbut whatever you got up to, itâs all over your faces so please wash up before dinner.âÂ
âIt smells real good, miss,â Sarah says as she hobbles over to the sink and starts rinsing off her arms and cheeks, while Ellie takes off her own shoes. âWhat is it?â
âSomething my mom used to make when the cupboards were bare.â
Sarah stills, the water rushing over her soft skin. Those inquisitive eyes are just as captivating, just as forceful as her fatherâs, but for entirely different reasons. She tugs the words out of you by the sheer, needling strength of her gaze.
âI mean â I found the cellar, the house is incredibly well stocked, but I didnât see any preserved meat or dairy and I didnât â I didnât think your dad would want me poking around out back.â
Immediately Sarah softens and rolls her eyes. âDadâs all bark and no bite,â she huffs. âWeâve got stored beef and cheese in an ice chest downstairs. Iâll show you around tomorrow.â
You smile and those brown eyes go warm in the coppery light. âThanks, Sarah.âÂ
âBunch up, I gotta wash my hands too.â Ellie none-to-gently bumps Sarah with her shoulder to get to the sink but before you can scold her, Sarah swings back, using her precarious momentum, and pushes Ellie back. They both giggle. Something thatâs been cramped far too long in your chest loosens.Â
âSo, Sarah, tell me where you are with your schooling. Do you have books, diagrams?â
She thinks for a minute as she opens a drawer that leaves her back to you and takes out two, then four thin cloth placemats. She hobbles back to the table to carefully spread them out.
âI was up to seventh grade before the school shut down. That was about two years ago, so Dadâs been trying to make sure I donât forget anything. He got me a Midsummer Nightâs Dream by Shakespeare a while ago and made me read it out loud to him. He has me work on my letters every day â including cursive.â She adds, with a bright spot of joy cranking her mouth open. You imagine someone like Sarah would have beautiful penmanship. âHe shows me around the yard, asking me to identify plants and animals, especially anything that might be poisonous. I donât think he really understands it but he explains what happens when you add water to a seed and keep it in damp earth. Oh, and he has me help balance the books for the farm â what we made, what we sold, how much we have left, stuff like that.â
You smile at her over your shoulder as Ellie hands her bowls. âAccounting.â
âHuh?â
Ellie rolls her eyes. âItâs so boring, donât worry about it,â she whispers conspiratorially.
âWhat your dad is teaching you is called accounting,â you say a bit firmly, eyes tracking your niece as she shows no shame. âItâs a very special skill to have, especially if you work on a farm or in a business. Do you like it?â
She nods rapidly, those cork-screw curls bouncing around her thin face. âYeah! I do! Iâm much faster than Dad when it comes to figuring out the sums and dollar value.â
In the front hall, the clap door creaks open then slams shut, heavy footfalls proceeding the man that makes them.
âDoes that happen a lot?â you ask softly as Sarah sidles up next to you to peer into the pot.
âWhere I know more than my dad?â Sarah smirks up at you, all devious youth. âMore often than you think.â
A mini sun bursts from the ceiling as Joel flicks on the light switch and is almost immediately tackled by Sarah. The copper sun on the horizon finally, in the distracted moment, slips down and drags the night behind it. Itâs purple twilight outside when Joel lifts his head from the embrace around Sarahâs shoulders to stare at the two strangers in his kitchen.
âDinnerâs almost ready,â you say brightly and you can almost picture your mother in the same exact position in front of the stove, stirring soup until her cheeks were pink, her hand resting low on her back, her tummy round and full in her second attempt to keep her husbandâs rage diverted from her. Itâs a boy, she promised.
The memory makes you so violently ill out of nowhere, you lose your appetite. But you persevere; you carry on and load up the bowls Sarah stacked for you. Ellie saves you from having to dislodge the prickly knot in your throat when she snags a bowl and eagerly yells, âget it while itâs hot!â
The arrangements from the stove to the table are a bit of a blur, the slick anxious weight from earlier today curling around your lungs again as you remember shadows in chairs like these, but so different from the flesh-and-blood bodies that occupy them now.Â
Youâre dazed, a little light-headed, but not so much to miss the glance between Joel and Ellie. A junkyard puppy skirting the territory of an older watchdog, a bone in each of their mouths and dragged to opposite corners of the battlefield. Satisfied with the lines of demarcated territory that had been drawn, they call a temporary truce by eating in complete silence, until Sarah groans.
âOh my god, this is better than it smells!â she hums, her mouth full of potatoes.Â
âJust wait till she adds chicken,â Ellie grumbles, mouth cupped open to keep from spilling. You watch her, a faint smile on your face, and the slippery feeling fades. When cleaning up, she missed a spot on her left nostril and you fight the urge to clean it with your thumb.
âThereâs more.âÂ
Your gaze snaps to Joel hunched over his bowl. The spoon that Ellie and Sarah have to both clutch in their fists to eat barely swings between his massive fingers.Â
Joelâs dark eyes trace down your nose, your chin, your neck, to where your hands lay flat on the table in front of you. Your own bowl and spoon sit on the counter behind you. You worry you might have upset him, with the way heâs frowning.
âThereâs more,â he repeats, same tone.Â
âI'm sorry?âÂ
He puts his spoon down and clears his throat, then nods to the pot on the stove. Ellie watches him out of the corner of her eye.
âI saw how much you made. If youâre hungry, you should eat.âÂ
As though speaking a language only you could hear, he looks at Ellie the same time you do.Â
She frowns. âWhat? Is there something on my face?â
Sarah begins to giggle, nodding, when Joel starts again.
âYou should eat. Thereâs enough.âÂ
Itâs like his eyes can see through your blue veins and clammy skin, to your yellow bones and clawing stomach. You choke on the mudball thatâs been hovering in your throat for months and nod.
âAlright.â
You donât know if youâre actually hungry â you canât really remember the taste of warm food â or if youâre doing it just to appease him, but something about the heat of the bowl and solid spoon in your hand, it rouses you from this sinking you find yourself in. Your bones feel like jelly.
âHowâre the fields, Dad?â Sarah asks with her big eyes, seemingly unaware of the layered exchange between you and her father, or kind enough not to address it.Â
He responds to her, his voice deep in the cavern of his chest. Itâs an easy way he speaks to her, heavy with the seriousness sheâs earned to be talked to like an adult, but gentle enough that for all his low grumbling, it comes out as a thick murmur. You find yourself listening to their conversation, their interactions, as soothing as music turned low from a well-tuned radio. Ellie is even roped in when Sarah tells Joel all about the Space Family Robinson and Ellieâs knife. âItâs really cool, Dad,â she says preemptively. âShe knows how to use it and sheâs really safe.âÂ
âWell, if itâs really cool . . .â he fills his mouth with potatoes, tamping down the ghost of a grin on his lips around the spoon.Â
Ellie shuffles in her seat, her own hesitant smile glittering in her eyes, and with only minor prompting, she holds no prisoners when gleefully telling Sarah that sheâs got the story of finding a mess of wriggling worms out by the back of the barn all wrong.Â
âJust keep âem outta my side of the bed, alright?â You grin at her, spooning another dribble of soup into your mouth. Youâve realized too much, too fast can just as easily twist your stomach so you focus on cradling a digestible amount of food â broth, potato, carrots â in the well of your spoon.Â
But the landscape beyond the silver lip has stilled. Both girls are happily slurping up the last bits of their meals, throwing quips back and forth, but Joelâs shoulders have locked up again, the bones of his wrists flat, a static alertness that youâre sure would travel all the way down to his ankles if he was standing up right. You arenât sure if Sarah has picked up on the subtle change in his breathing â from the deep well of his lungs to shortened and shallow â but somehow you have.Â
Youâre staring at him far too long.
Those thick eyebrows pitch down again. Beneath the loose button that pins your dress closed over your chest, you feel a swell of heat and you wish you were like Ellie, capable of making an easy joke â what, is there something on my face? The heat bubbles almost uncomfortably under his weighted gaze.Â
âI hate bugs,â you blurt out, desperate to give him what he wants, if only you knew. The girls glance at your sudden outburst. âI donât like worms especially. I donât mind straw beds, as long as theyâre clean â I mean, IâI hope they are, the straw beds, not the worms.âÂ
Another eternal second of being pinned down by Joelâs frown, this one decidedly less hostile, before understanding breaks open the harsh lines of his mouth and around his eyes. His eyes go wide for less than breath, then he drops his gaze to the bowl. His shoulders shift, muscle redistributing weight as he settles his thick forearm closer to the edge of the table.
Oh, that relief of muscle says.Â
âYouâre not sleeping in the barn.â Joel says, head tucked down. At that, Ellie slows her ravenous eating and frowns at him.Â
âThen where are we sleeping?â
Joel lifts his head, a new, special emotion just for her tugging on his mouth: exasperation. âMy room. You two in there and Iâm takinâ the couch.âÂ
Shame and embarrassment drip down over your skull, between your ears, like a cold, runny egg.Â
âNo, we couldnât possiblyâ,âÂ
He shakes his head, eyes still on the split potato chunk at the bottom of the bowl. His hand flexes briefly and you think of it around the bridle of the horse.Â
âItâs not up for discussion.âÂ
Beside him, Sarah frowns at him and youâd wonder how many times in her life heâs ever said that to her â if you could think properly over the roaring of blood in your ears.Â
âJoel,â you say, something syrupy under your tongue molding the words Mr. Miller into a tone youâd use for an old friend. âI canât ask you toâ,â
Hand flexes. The seat of the chair squeaks.
âYouâre not askinâ, Iâm tellinâ.â Youâre still vastly underprepared for when those eyes - those deep, dark eyes - suddenly snap on you, as if your very presence commands his entire attention. You notice the dirt underneath his nails and around the knot of his wrist on the table. Heâs filthy.Â
Quietly, with the surety of a dog slipping its snout between its paws, he cuts the last chunk of potato in half with the curve of his spoon. âThe new mattressesâll be here next week. Weâll make do âtill then.â
The slurp of soup between his lips seems to signal the end of the conversation, but you canât quite mash together your kaleidoscope-spinning impressions of the man across the table from you.Â
âThank you . . . Joel.âÂ
He nods, back teeth breaking apart the soft mush of the potato. He swallows and glances back up at you.Â
âItâs good,â he says, briefly holding his spoon aloft. âYou did good.â
His words burst the choking bubble in your chest and warmth drips down your spine, splashing in the cradle of your hips. Hunger rises, but itâs a different kind of hunger. A growl of neglect. One you sometimes wondered if it was even possible for you to ever even feel.Â
Even while you were married to your husband.
You put your spoon down to keep your hand from shaking. The soup wonât feed this new churning hunger and, frankly, you donât know what will.Â
You did good, he praised, parsed out like torn bread tossed across a black lake.Â
It makes you warm in places food never could.
The immediate next morning, you meet the sun early, eagerly. Eager to wake and rise and become so useful, you are intricately tied to this house; if you are removed, a vital piece of the land, the prairie is torn up along with you. Ellie sleeps softly next to you, curled up in the same position she was in the hotel bed, tucked in so tightly as if to take up the least amount of space possible. She sleeps, unbothered, blissful, and again you fight the urge to brush the hair that covers her sleeping eyes. You settle for tugging the beautiful quilt, with its stunning blue and red and green patches, up to her shoulders.Â
As you tie your dress up, your suitcase partially open and on the ground, movement from outside in the dawning pink catches your eye. A brisk shadow, those thick shoulders proceeding a taught waist are unmistakable as they move towards the barn. You stand, transfixed for a moment as broad hands slide open the barn doors, you hear a faint creak, and he disappears inside. The capability of those hands; the surety, where every action is deliberate and intentional â it makes something arc up your throat. A warm piercing that bursts through bone and muscle alike. Trembling fingers tug at the wilting lace around the cuffs of your dress, imagination stretching out into the dark morning, inspired by curious and impossible ideas of those hands.Â
Something â most likely Sarah next door â squeaks the floorboard and those tendrils of thought snap back as if someone had slammed a lid shut. You glance at the clock and make a mental note to wake up earlier tomorrow, to beat him to the kitchen.Â
You are also desperately eager to get out of the room where you can practically smell Joel on the walls. Itâs simple, just like the rest of the house, but amongst the hand-drawn sketches of himself and birds (likely gifts from Sarah), the half-spent candles and well-read books, you find him in everything. You wonder, briefly, if the indentations made on the cotton mattress are from him or you â the scent of his hair in the pillow from sweat or soap.Â
The encroaching feeling that you donât belong here in this house nearly swallows you whole as you dress in a room you definitely donât belong in.Â
Joel remains a distant figure, a familiar shadow across the lightning horizon, long after you finish the eggs and toast. You consider perusing the pantry for blueberries or something similar, when Sarah comes down. Fresh-faced, dressed with the care most people reserve for church, she stumbles in, her braces clacking as she finds a seat at the table.Â
You notice a brief flash of pain across her face when you bring over a plate of food. She unconsciously rubs a circle with her thumb on her left knee as she picks up her fork.
âPain today?â You ask, eyes on her knee, even though itâs obvious.Â
She nods, strained. âJust a little bit. But itâs nothing. Iâm sure itâll go away when it warms up outside.âÂ
You doubt that is remotely true, but you let her hold the comforting lie. She doesnât seem like the type to swallow pity with ease, and neither was Anna. You put on that detached but focused "nurse's" mask, your lips a straight line and brow furrowed, your voice slipping on something more commanding too.
âLet me see.âÂ
Sarah blinks at you briefly, evidently surprised by your shift in demeanor but eventually, she obeys. She drops her fork and slides the chair back, the chair legs squeaking against the rough wooden floor.
You crouch in front of her, gathering up her ankle first and testing its mobility.
âWhen were you diagnosed?â you ask, as soft as you are firm.
âNever, technically.â She watches you and occasionally winces. You wonder how long sheâs grown stiff like this. âThe doc had left over braces that Dad bought before the guy skipped town.â
âSo then how did you know it was polio?âÂ
By her sudden stillness, you know this is the first time that word has been uttered under this roof in a long time. You lower her ankle, rising gaze meeting hers. Her mouth is pulled tight. You can practically read the familiar headlines as they scroll across her mind.
New Polio Cases by the Thousands
Polio Claims Life of Infant
Polio Outbreak: Thirteen Dead
âNot every case is serious,â you say, gently, using the word serious in place of fatal. You donât want to scare her unnecessarily. But by her wide eyes, you know the word sits in her chest all the same.Â
âI know. And I know it can be made worse by moving too much. Thatâs why Dadâs always on me about resting and going slow.âÂ
You return to your examination. Her skin is rubbed raw in some places by the braces. You remind yourself to ask Joel for some old sheets to make better padding.Â
âThatâs not always true,â you say, shifting to her other leg. âEven though she was sore after, Anna often said she felt the stiffness go away after walking around the neighborhood block.â
Curious, Sarah tilts her head, those lovely curls swaying like leaves in a breeze. âWhoâs Anna?â
Your skin around your eyes tightens â how could you be so careless with such a secret â when you hear feet thundering down the stairs and a second later, Ellie swings around the lip of the doorway.
âIs that toast?â She asks, eyes wide and hopeful. âIf you got bacon, Iâm gonna start kissing faces.â
You and Sarah exchange a small grin before you stand up right and Sarah returns to her own meal.
âNo bacon today, but who knows what else is stored in the pantry?âÂ
âOh, fuck yeah,â Ellie exclaims as she slides into a chair, her own plate pilled far too for a girl her size. âTreasure hunt.âÂ
You see the tips of Sarahâs ears go briefly pink at Ellieâs language but the muffled smile on her face hints at awe, impressed â so you let that one slide. A stream of light through the half-shut curtain tugs your thoughts outside, to the man literally toiling in the fields.Â
âDoes your dad want me to bring him some food?â You ask, standing from the chair and glancing out the window. You canât see him any more and for some reason that makes your chest go tight.
Sarah shook her bouncy curls. âNo. Heâll come in and get it when heâs hungry.âÂ
You didnât like the idea that you werenât going to be directly feeding the man who employed you literally to cook for him and his daughter.
âDoes he like coffee?â
Sarah arches an eyebrow at you. âYeah, he loves it. But Iâve tried for years to make it the way he likes and he always drinks it, but I think a little piece of him dies inside every time he does.âÂ
âThen you must be a great cook too,â Ellie smirks up at her. In response, Sarah smiles impishly around a mouthful of eggs.Â
You hold that little bit of information about Joel - something you knew that he didnât know you knew - close, like a dollar bill in your pocket. You drum your fingers, searching for memories of how Anna used to shoe-string coffee when you couldnât afford a maker in Boston.
âDid you eat?â
Ellieâs voice tears your gaze from the window. Her plate is only halfway empty. Her fingers uneasily move the fork around.
âYeah,â you answer truthfully. In fact, you are rather ashamed by how much you took, sitting at the table in the purple dark, before you remembered that you had to feed three other people. âIâm good, Ellie. Thanks.â
She nods, returning to her plate and shoveling two bites into her mouth without slowing down.
âWhatâs first today?â Sarah asks, her eyes bright. âI can show you my sums. We have a chalkboard in the barn.â
You smile at her eagerness to show off while Ellie dejectedly pokes at her remaining floppy eggs. She had never been one for school, another thing you found hard to relate to about her. Fortunately for her, Anna nor you ever had the time to be as diligent about her education as Joel had been for Sarah. And unfortunately for her, you intend to fix that as quickly as possible.Â
âIâd love to see them, Sarah, but would you mind showing me around the cellar first? Maybe there is bacon hiding down there somewhere.â
You donât miss the small smile that creeps across Ellieâs face.
âJunk or keep?âÂ
Sarah looks up from the tip of her stick dragging nonsense through the barnâs dirt floor, her chin flat in her palm, elbow on her knee. She frowns at Ellie holding up . . . something that might have been a tractor part at one time.Â
âI donât even know what that is, so â junk?âÂ
Ellie shrugs, tosses the piece back and forth in her hands, and then chucks it like a ball to the opposite end of the barn. It collides loudly with the wall and Flora, the white and black cow, lifts her head at the noise from her stable and lets out a low groan.Â
The entire barn smells of hay and animal but in a way that is warm, almost comforting. The two cows lazily munch from their troughs in their stalls, occasionally eyeing you as you carry items back and forth. Itâs fortifying in a way only working outside and with your hands can offer.Â
You turn to her disapprovingly but sheâs already back, elbow-deep, in the pile you had designated hers to sort. Sarah, to whom you suggested rest this morning, goes back to boredly drawing circles in the dirt. Even though she clearly hates the idea of being idle, you are surprised she takes your medical advice without any fight.Â
If you had successfully completed your duties as cook, now it was time to take on your other task as teacher. Sarah had a few textbooks, but mostly outdated and only one copy. You know trying to find a full library in times like these is laughably impossible, but there is nothing wrong with hoping for a blackboard. Youâd made one before when the school district you tempted at didnât approve new funding, and you feel confident you could do it again. Trouble is, you have nowhere to put it, much less set up a laughably impossible classroom for two students.Â
Until Sarah casually mentioned the unfortunate pile of junk in the back of her fatherâs barn, âtaking up at least half the space in there.âÂ
She wasnât wrong.
âYuck â is your dad a hoarder?â Ellie asks with slight disgust as she pulls up a stack of newspapers held together by twine. âWhy does he even have this stuff?â
Sarah grins, delighted by Ellieâs prickly teasing. âThis place actually used to be pretty organized. This was his space for a long time â where he went to think, or figured out what crops we needed for the next year.â
Her smile crumbles. âBut, uh, then I got sick and now he doesnât come out here unless it's for work.â
Ellie pinches the soft of her cheek with her teeth, nodding, her eyes downcast.
âSo . . . junk?â
âYeah, I guess so.âÂ
The stack of newspapers comes up to her knees and Ellie struggles, off-balanced, to carry it across the hay-covered floor.Â
You reach for it and she gives it to you gratefully. You take it with a smile; you never know what sheâs going to appreciate or just see it regretfully as charity or pity.Â
âI think your dad is losing it,â Ellie says as she wipes sweat from her brow, shaking her head far too seriously. âLosinâ it, big time.âÂ
Sarah giggles.
You drop the stack of papers in the corner, but when you let go, the string snaps and the papers spill everywhere. With a sigh, you kneel down and gather them back together, but not before a few headlines catch your eye.Â
Your heart twists.
Paralysis Takes Three Children
Join the Mothersâ March on Polio
QUARANTINE: POLIOMYELITIS
Why would Joel keep these? Everyone knew how devastating polio could be to children, even infants. Why would he â
Roughly dispersed throughout the article, sentences and phrases were underlined in blue pen. Sentences containing, âiron lungâ, âbedrestâ, âantibioticâ â
No cure.
Warmth spread out across your chest. Joel was looking for a way to treat his daughter, the only way he could in a town without a doctor: outside information. Something about this makes the space beneath your chest bone hurt so badly, you get a little nauseous.Â
Now you consider conserving these papers as if they are important historical documents. Behind you, where Ellie and Sarah are lobbying jokes back and forth, you see more stacks of neatly contained newspapers. He looked everywhere and found nothing.Â
You reshuffle the stack that fell, when you spot something else that hardens the warm feeling in your chest and makes it brittle.
Mob Over Breadline Kills FIVE
Experts Say There is No Way Out of This Depression
Mother of Drowned Children Claims She Did âWhat Was Bestâ
The rough floor hurts your knees. Eyes closed, you try to ignore the flood of images of what you witnessed in Boston, how desperate and cruel people became in Oklahoma. With each memory, your heartbeat pounds harder.
Red. Blood. Pink. Skin. White. Bone.
The riots got to be so terrible, but people were just hungry.
Ellie calling your name jerks you out of the sinking muck of memories.Â
âWhat? What is it?â
She eyes you with distant concern then glances at Sarah. âShe wanted to know where you learned all this stuff.â
âAbout cooking, and teaching, and nursing,â Sarah clarifies. âI think Iâve read every book in our house probably four times and I still feel like I donât know anything.âÂ
âYou probably know more than you think,â you offer as you scoop up the uncomfortable newspapers, easily switching tracks of thought to mute the swell of horrors from the rotting box in your mind. You leave them in the corner for Joel to do what he wishes with them and stand, dusting your dress off. âWhat do you call the process by which plants get energy from the sun?â
Sarahâs eyes brighten immediately. Where her body fails her, her mind is as sharp as a tack.
âPhotosynthesis!â
âGood,â you nod, smiling. âAnd whatâs the primary source of energy in animal cells?â
âThe mitochondria!â
âVery good.âÂ
Ellie sighs angrily from her pile and puts her hands on her hips. âI think Iâm gonna make like mitosis and split, if we keep talking about all this boring stuff.â
Scorned for her love of learning a second time and already in a bad mood from the pain this morning, Sarah frowns.Â
âWhatâs your problem? Why do you act like school sucks? You had your mom teaching you â,â
âSheâs not my mom!â Ellie snaps back, her knuckles white around a rusted bucket. âSheâs just my aunt!â
âYeah, well, I have an uncle I never even get to see!â Sarah stands up as smoothly as she can, but her knees and ankles are pink again. Her calves shake. âYouâre lucky!â
Ellieâs teeth clench in the back of her jaw, lip curling.Â
You remember distinctly more than once having to pick Ellie up from school early because sheâd been caught fighting and you take a step in her direction, even if Sarah could no doubt land a few solid ones in.Â
âAnd youâreâ,â
âEllie.â You know how rough Ellie can be. You remember the tone to take with unruly students, even if you donât mean an ounce of it. âDonât. Just let it gâ,â
âWhy do you always take her side?â That ire whips around to you. Loyalty, that was another trait her mother favored. Ellieâs shoulders roll forward, her fists clenched. âWhy do you let her talk like she knows anything about us? About Mom?âÂ
âIâm not taking a side, Ellie,â you say firmly, your chin tilted down to her. One day sheâs going to be taller than you, you know it. âBoth of you, this is enough.â
That was the wrong thing to say. Ellie tosses the broken bucket in her hand to the ground and storms towards the barn doors.Â
âYou just like her because sheâs a fucking dork like you,â she growls under her breath before shoving open the large square door.Â
It swings shut, the metal clattering against the wood. The brief stream of light filtering in is shortly swallowed up into the shadows again.Â
âIâm sorry,â Sarah says almost immediately, her brown eyes swiveling on you. Her skin is tinged a little lighter and thereâs sweat along her hairline. With a fleeting flash of worry, you wonder if sheâs in more pain than she lets on. âI didnât mean it . . . I mean, I think she is lucky to have â but . . . I shouldnât have said that.â
She drops your gaze and you think those dark eyes might be softer, wetter than usual. She plucks at the hem of her dress, her mouth twisted to the side.Â
Where Ellie explodes outwards, Sarah implodes inwards. You never could understand Ellieâs inclination to destroy everything around her.
You hand her a broom, with a smile on your face.Â
âDo you want to tell me about your uncle?âÂ
She takes it slowly from you, eyebrows furrowed down. This is a look you are familiar with, even when it comes to Ellie. She is stuck between answering like a kid, getting it all off her chest to be free of the emotional burden, and swallowing it all to please the adults in her life.Â
Youâve also found Ellie tends to open up when she doesnât have to look you in the eye. Sarahâs own gaze is stuck to the floor as she vaguely sweeps at the hay.Â
âWe donât talk about Uncle Tommy a lot,â she mumbles.Â
You focus on untangling an old bridle. âOh? Why?â
âDadâs still pissed at him for moving out to California. Said he left whatâs really important for a bullshit dream.â Her eyes pop up, wide and shocked. âSorry, thatâs what he said.âÂ
Despite your limited time with him, you can easily see how Joel Miller might take something like that personally, but you just store that away too, another breadcrumb leading the way.
âWhy California?â
âItâsâ,â
The barn door opens again and Joelâs shadow breaks through the almost painful white light. Behind him, Everett (the horse) snorts and huffs, pulling along the giant creaking plow, the air suddenly pungent with the smell of warm dirt, leather, and animal sweat. Joel murmurs something to the frothing snout and wipes his own forehead with the back of his arm, smearing sweat and dirt across his browline. He stops when he sees you two staring.Â
By Sarahâs wide eyes, itâs clear Uncle Tommy is a subject that is not often brought up in this house either. Joel frowns, but just as he opens his mouth, you interject â you know how to deflate a potentially angry man.
âWe were just cleaning up the back of the barn,â you say, careful not to use words like junk or scrap heap. âIâm hoping to use the space as a school, for Sarah and Ellie.âÂ
His gaze settles on you, like the dust at his feet.Â
âMhmm.â His tone scrapes something low in your stomach.Â
âIâm sorry â I should have asked â I didnât think â,â
âNo, itâs â,â he shakes his head. His eyes catch Everettâs foamy nose and he pats it, noting the long sweaty forelock. âSmart. Next spring, weâll come up with something better, but thereâs no time now, with the harvest cominâ.âÂ
You nod, peeling off what you were going to say from the back of your teeth with your tongue. Joel casually drags his fingers through Everettâs forelock before stepping back to unhook the plowâs leather buckles. Itâs when he shifts towards Sarah, looking to her, that he grimaces.Â
He put his weight on his right knee and it immediately caused him pain.
âWe could help,â you offer, eyes on his knee, his thick fingers rubbing into the muscle just above his knee cap. "Ellie loves being out in the sun and I can teach her how to plantâ,â
ââM fine,â he mutters gruffly, straightening up and wiping his hands on the cloth around his neck. âSarah, go inside for a bit. Thereâs something she nâ I gotta discuss.â
His tone indicates this is not the time for eye rolling but she does it anyway.
âIâve said for years that you need help, Dad. Sheâs just offering toâ,â
âSarah, inside. Please.âÂ
Sarah scowls and drops the broom against one of the stalls. She hobbles out of the barn, first scrunching her nose up at Joelâs obvious smell, then muttering something about having to go look for the hell spawn. You finger the scrap metal in your hands, a fluttery nervousness growing in your stomach the closer Sarah gets to the door. With one more disapproving shake of her thick curls, she shuts the door behind her.Â
Everett nickers and paws the ground, eager to be returned to bed after a long morning of work. Light streams in gold from the slanted windows above the loft, separating the front stalls from the back of the barn where you stand, fidgeting. Thereâs no escaping the hot animal smell now, and itâs your turn to be intercepted by Joel.Â
Another apology is nearly out of your mouth when he speaks first.
âDo you know how to shoot a gun?â He asks, his mouth set into a firm line. In the half-darkness of the barn, you canât quite make out his eyes.Â
You swallow against the encroaching dryness in your throat. âI-I have a gun. Keep it in my purse, o-only for emergencies and Iâ,âÂ
âThatâs not what I asked.â He shakes his head, tone soft, almost gentle. He glances past you to the stacks of newspapers you had moved into the corner, the ones about violence and pestilence. He rubs his fingers between the bridle and Everettâs thick hair. âFound a hole in the barbed wire fence today.âÂ
You frown, the tension of his voice indicating a severity you are utterly unprepared for. âWhat does that mean?â
âSomeone tried to cut through.âÂ
A white hot panic lurches up your spine out of nowhere. Fueled by fear, you see the outline of your husband shambling across the propertyline and you go cold.Â
âW-why would someone do that? What are they after?â
His hand stills as every muscle in his body briefly tenses. Eyes dark beneath a tight brow, the tightness in his jaw is an answer and a threat all at once. He looks almost offended by your question.
You know exactly what they would take.Â
All you can do is nod.Â
Everett nudges Joelâs shoulder, impatient to get out of the harness, for that bath he so very much deserves. As though you had disappeared, Joel unbuckles the restraints, taking a brush to the gray coat as he goes. Maybe youâd misread that last signal and he thought he told you to fuck off.
You move towards the back door when his voice, timbre deep and low, stops you again.
âIâm gonna to teach you to shoot.â He announces to the lathered withers of the horse. âBut you keep that gun on you, at all times, especially when youâre out with the girls. You got that?â
He pauses just as he slides the hitch off the horse's back, his arms covered in dirt as dark as the leather. Itâs minute, the shift in his weight, but you suddenly realize he wants verbal confirmation.
âY-yes. Yes. Iâll take it with me.â
The minutia shifts again, a lessening of tension across his broad shoulder, his thick back. He nods.Â
âGood.â
The aching need for him to say more, for that good to turn into you did good or good job â or good girl â it sparks so fast and hot inside of you, you think youâll choke. Instead, you leave through the door on unsteady legs, jaw locked tightly shut.Â
You find comfort in the monotony of sewing.Â
Anna always scolded you for it, that you were âgiving into womenâs work.â
How are they ever going to take us seriously when you actually like doing this dainty shit?Â
But where Anna seemingly delighted in her mile-a-minute thoughts, you need an outlet â some way to settle, to ground yourself in the here and now. Furthermore, you could sew anywhere â on the train, on the bus, in a foreign house in the middle of nowhere where you were, again, dependent on the kindness of a complete stranger âÂ
It isnât sewing specifically that you enjoy. If there was another activity where your mind could detach itself from your body, you would have liked it too. Here, in this space of blank concentration, you separate further from yourself with every stitch you pull together. Here, you are not a sister, a housewife, or an aunt. Not a nurse or a teacher or a failed fieldhand.Â
Not scared of living or scared of your husband or scared that youâll fail your sister over and over and over again âÂ
For a handful of minutes, you are not scared and you are the closest thing to yourself you can possibly be. You think, as a child that might have been the closest youâd actually been to understanding your own wants and dreams and desires, but now it is through this act of repetition, of delicate guiding, do you find yourself remembering what it was like to exist unafraid, as thoughtless as a child.
You sit on the edge of Joelâs bed, eased into something vaguely like relaxation by the needle and thread in your hand. Youâd found some old pillows in the barn earlier today and surprisingly the stuffing was still intact. After watching Sarah struggle today, you knew you couldnât spend another second watching the poor girl hobble around on painful braces.Â
Itâs twilight, the sun gone beneath a blanket of scarlet and indigo, everyone fed and full â the girls almost instantly forgetting their first fight in favor of a discussion about their most effective marble-flicking techniques â and you already have at least one leather-bound pad that is twice as thick as her old one. You grin, excited to share your creation to her. You wonder what Joel will say.
Through the wall over your shoulder, in Sarahâs room, you can hear the low murmur of their voices, as quick and fast as two co-conspirators. You canât quite make out what theyâre saying, but the words donât matter. It is the high joy in Sarahâs voice, or the creaky laughter from Joel. They could be speaking in a completely incomprehensible language but the sentiment is unmistakable: you make me happy and I love you.
I love you.
The needle and thread stills in your lap.Â
You glance out the window, to a much smaller shadow in front of the barn as it cuts and darts in the blurry half-light. The silver tip of Annaâs knife winks in the glint of the light from the windows as Ellie slashes and digs in the open air. Alone.Â
In the late hours, in the hours when the veil between life and death felt so especially fragile, Anna made you promise that you'd look out for Ellie, to raise her as your own. To finally give her a childhood like the two of you never had.Â
You had done that. You raised her. Sheâs alive and healthy and fierce.Â
But would she find your sentiment about her unmistakable? Do you know hers as intimately as you knew your sisterâs?Â
Do you make her happy when both of you are constantly reminded of the ghost between you?
Sarahâs chatter echoes throughout the dark house, disembodied and entirely untethered.
Itâs one week into this new, adjusted life in a house you havenât yet found a home in when the unthinkable happens.
A loud, wet cry startles you awake and immediately your hand flies towards Ellie, panic like ice in your jaw. Your palm touches her shoulder, but sheâs already sitting up, eyes towards the door. She glances at you and from your stumble out of a dreamless sleep, you realize it wasnât Ellie who made that noise.Â
It comes again, as sharp as a bone crack, and you both scramble out of bed.
Sarah.Â
Up against the far wall, in the corner where her bed tucks up into the corner, Joel holds her like a lion clutches to prey.Â
Giant, fat teardrops pour down the sides of her ashen cheeks, those bright eyes clamped shut, her mouth twisted in agony and she claws at her fatherâs forearm across her shoulders. His other hand is going white from her fingers crushing his in a bone-cracking grip. His voice is soft, firm, and fast in her ear, comforting and scared as hell, as she whimpers.Â
Every muscle from her thighs down is stretched taut. Every muscle unwillingly tightened, flexed, the chemicals in her brain battling the commands of the bacteria. The pain, as described in medical journals, is crippling.Â
Ellie glances at you out of the corner of your eye. Muscle spasms.Â
âSarah, darling, how long has this been going on?â Sheâs trembling from the pain and exhaustion. You wrap your robe around you before kneeling down to inspect her â and you feel Joelâs glare nearly singe the skin from your face.
âDonât touch her,â he snarls and pulls her closer. Sarah whines and buries her face in his shoulder, trying to stifle her sobbing to keep from shaking and causing more spasms. âSheâsâ,âÂ
âI can help her, Joel.â Your training became a bulwark â strong, immobile â in moments like these. Maybe it was all an act but that first rush of hope that you could ease pain, soothe what hurts, made you feel like you were made of gold. You let that unbreakable shine pierce Joelâs gaze. âBut you need to listen to me.âÂ
Sarah squeaks and you watch his resolve instantly break. Shakely, he nods.Â
âEllie,â you instruct over your shoulder. âGo start boiling water. Thereâs a pail out on the porch.â
She is out the door before you finish your sentence. She knows exactly what you need.Â
Help on the way, you turn back to Sarah, her feet twisted in grotesque contortions.Â
âHow long has this been going on?âÂ
âAbout ten minutes,â Joel grumbles. She squeezes his hand so hard you hear his knuckle pop. She sobs, open mouth, and he presses his cheek to her. He murmurs softly, âIâm sorry, I know, Iâm sorry.âÂ
âIs this the longest fit sheâs had?â
Joel reluctantly nods.Â
âSarah,â you say and gently touch her knee. She peels her eyes open, cheeks stained with tears, eyes wet with fear. âWe need to loosen your muscles, okay? Thatâs whatâs causing you pain right now. So, weâre going to use heat and pressure to do that.âÂ
She nods, gaze solidifying with your every word, every word a new step out of the path of pain. Joel smooths her curls off her sweaty forehead, his own wide-eyed stare never leaving your face. You roll up your sleeves and curl up your hair off the back of your neck just as Ellie stumbles back into the room. Sheâs got at least five towels around her neck, and sheâs red-faced and straining from keeping the pail of boiling water from spilling or burning her. She eases it down next to you and hands you a towel. Both of you each take a side and immediately tear the one in half.
Before you wore gloves, some sort of protection, but now there is no time. You hear Ellie inhale sharply, recognizing what youâre about to do a second before you do it.
You dip the towel into the steaming water, let it soak, and pull it out. You grit your teeth against the immediate burn on your palms, the trail of fire over your knuckles and wrists, as you squeeze out the dripping water, Sarahâs soft cries in your ears enough to push past your own pain.
Half-way between an inhale and an exhale, you think you hear your name.Â
Ellie already has another dry towel loose around one of Sarahâs legs. She glances at you, her brows knitted together.Â
Ready? She asks without words.
You drape the hot towel around her leg and Sarah yelps. She thrashes in her fatherâs arms as you wrap the towel tighter and tighter. Expecting Joelâs inevitable bark, a hard shove against your shoulder, get away from my daughter â but it never comes.Â
As soon as you tighten the towel as firmly as it can safely go, Ellie slides in next to you and begins to massage the muscles in her calves, her feet, her toes.Â
Sarah whimpers again, but the sound isnât as sharp, pain-choked. Joel holds her tighter, as if her torso is also knotted and could be relieved with warmth.
On an inhale, you pick up the other half of the towel, drench it in boiling water, and wring it out with your bare hands. A silent prayer for lotion is fleeting as it drifts through the dense focus of your mind. You squeeze out the dripping water and wrap Sarahâs other leg, prepped again by Ellie. She watches you as you tug and tuck the steaming towel, her own focus as sharp as a tack, mirroring your motions as you knead and massage the muscles.Â
After a few minutes of faint whining, a couple of sobs, the room slips into an exhausted silence. Her breathing slow on his chest, Joel draws back her damp curls and finds her face relaxed, asleep. His mouth parts and the skin around his eyes goes slack.
Relief.Â
With a shudder, Joel knocks his forehead against hers, his thumb on her chin as if to feel her breathing. You look away, the moment so tender it shouldnât be witnessed.Â
You realize then how badly your palms ache.Â
The towels have lost their immediate heat, so you unwind them. Ellieâs small hands overlap yours as she helps. For some reason, you canât bring yourself to look her in the eyes. The both of you fall back into roles most comfortable to you.Â
The wet towels gone, you wrap her legs more tightly this time, slightly past the edge of comfort. You ease her back, flat into the bed, and some small part of you is aware Joel is letting you guide her. He slips out from behind her when you tuck her in, tight with another blanket around her legs. She could be exhausted for days after this.
âWeâll need to keep heat on her legs every thirty minutes, fifteen if we can manage,â you say as you fold up the damp towels. Joel hasnât moved. Stares down at Sarahâs small body. âIâd like to keep a warming pan here, to have hot water on hand if she wakes up in pain again. When she comes out of it, she needs water and food. Have her eat it slowly, small bites at first.â
You remember a doctor at the hospital where you trained as a nurse give advice to a newer doctor: medical mysteries and illnesses are one thing. Nervous parents are something else.Â
You call his name and he doesnât move.Â
You step forward, touch his forearm, and he blinks at you. He feels so remarkably solid.
âJoel. Sheâs safe.âÂ
âDo you want me to go get more towels?â Ellieâs gathered the damp towels off the floor, her chest wet. She stares at Sarahâs bed frame.Â
âGet breakfast first. Then I might need your help later.â She nods, turns to go, but hesitates. Her mouth is pinched tight, eyes wide, looking for something to ground her, to calm the vortex that the adrenaline in her veins widens with each beat of her heart. She looks so . . . childlike.Â
She looks so much like Anna.
The momentary fortified strength shatters and you're afraid again. What do you say to comfort her? What would Anna say? Good job, I'm proud of you, thank you -
But then she turns away, carrying the dripping towels, and you lose your chance to parent.
Joel has curled himself into the rocking chair by her bed, so close his knee touches her mattress. He holds her thin hand in the cup of his two massive palms. His heel taps loosely, quietly against her rug, every possible outcome of this morning striking him in the chest with each drop of his foot. His face is a blurred, dark shadow, hanging between his shoulders.
To describe Joel in this moment, nervous seems quaint.Â
In silence, you gather up the tepid pale of water and exit the room, closing the door after you.
The rest of the day passes in haze, tendrils of sleep still between the cracks in your brain left there by the harsh break into consciousness.Â
You have Ellie feed the animals, and you start a load of laundry. The ratio of dry towels to wet is rapidly becoming unbalanced and you know after the initial attack is over, pressure is more important than heat. Sarah has barely moved all day but she is responsive and drinks water when she comes out of her deep sleep. Youâve made soup again â a heavy meal that doesnât require much managing and can be easily re-served â and it gives you time to think. Sarah mentioned the doctor skipping town, that he had all but dropped everything and ran. You wondered what else might be in the doctorâs old shop. Morphine seemed too valuable to have been ignored in any ransacking, but often doctors kept a secret supply, unbeknownst to even most nurses for special cases or when supply was low. You think about that and stir the pot as the sun crawls across the sky.Â
With your head bent over the pot, something moves in the field outside and you watch with surprise as Ellie leads one of the cows, Fauna, out of the barn. Through the rippled glass, you watch her talking to the cow, her face scrunched up in concentration, and shockingly, Fauna appears interested, her big ears flicking back and forth. But Ellie leads her only a little bit from the barn, in the grass but visible from the house. She drops to her knees and takes out a wooden stake and a hammer â nevermind where she found those â and then ties Faunaâs lead rope to top of the stake sticking out of the ground.
Ellie wags her finger, her back to the window, her stance very serious. You smile to yourself and to Anna as she marches back inside and shortly returns with Flora, the other cow, to do the same. She gives them both a stern talking to, as evident by her hands on her hips, before turning back to the house. You glance down, knowing she wouldnât appreciate it if you saw her babysitting the cows. It was what Joel did every morning â let the cows out to graze â but she did it in her own Ellie way: on a smaller scale and perhaps with a little more gentleness.Â
See, Anna, sheâs all grown up.
By nightfall, both of you are exhausted. You donât know how Joel manages to run this place by himself, especially with a sick child, but after one day, youâre ready to curl up into bed and never leave. Ellie looks like sheâs about to face-plant into her soup, her eyes half-shut. You smile, stretching, before gently shaking her shoulder.
âGo to bed, Ellie. Youâre exhausted.â
She blinks harshly, indignant and scowly, as you take both your bowls to the sink. ââM fine. Just a lilâ â,â she yawns deeply, âsleepy.âÂ
âYouâre right. My mistake.â
âBesides, we got coffee coming, donât we?âÂ
On the counter, your make-shift coffee press gurgles, the cap steaming from the bubbling water over the grounds you found in the cellar. You eye her over your shoulder.
âYou donât even like coffee.âÂ
âYeah but youâre staying up, right? You and Joel?â
Neither of you had seen Joel leave Sarahâs room all day. Ellie eyes the ceiling as if she can see right through it.Â
âIâm taking him some food and a cup of coffee,â you say as you finish drying the plates. Thereâs a rigidness to your hands as you delicately lay the plates flat, unconsciously careful to keep them from making a sound as they touch. âBut at St. Josephâs, some of the nurses would offer to keep vigil, to give the parents a chance to rest.âÂ
You know in your heart he wonât take it. You just hope he finds your coffee inoffensive.
But Ellie doesnât respond. She sits still, staring at the ceiling.Â
âEllie, sheâs going to be okay.â
Those bright eyes fall on you. âYou canât know that.â
In your hands, you wind the damp towel between your fingers. Theyâre pink and still ache but the rough linen is a welcome distraction from the churning acid in your stomach.
âThis isnât going to be like last time,â you say, your hips against the counter. âSarahâs infection is nowhere near her lungs. And sheâs been responding to treatment.â
Ellie drops her gaze, her bottom lip curled between her teeth.Â
âDonât say that unless you mean it. Unless you can swear to me.âÂ
One of lifeâs simple truths: parents lie.Â
You recognize there is a part of her that wants you to look her in the eyes and lie. Sheâd be angry, eventually, if your lies were exposed, but in that moment, as she sits in an unfamiliar house, at an unfamiliar table, with you and this wretched ailment the only things she knows to be constant â she wants a comfort you canât give her. You are not capable of parental truth.
âI canât promise anything.â
She inhales, breathes shaky, and exhales, the spoon in her hand trembling. âI know.âÂ
Hands full of a white, chipped food tray, you knock twice carefully with one hand like you had been trained to before opening the door. The lamplight has been turned on, but the room, blanketed in darkness and shadows, looks the same. Sarah sleeps deeply, if not well, her hand curled by her face against the pillow, her heavy storm of curls cradling her head gently. Joel watches her, as still and silent as the moon. His foot has settled, but now he breathes so slow he might not be breathing at all.Â
Of all the terrible things you had seen during your time as a nurse, witnessing someone like this is always the hardest. Feeling helpless is a sentiment you are all too familiar with and the thought of someone just sitting there and watching you with your grief makes your skin itch.Â
âJoel.â A formality, because those trapped in a cyclone of worry require a slow approach, easing a startled animal. âI brought you something to eat.â
Speaking, it lets him acclimate to your voice.Â
You set the white tray on Sarahâs dresser, a piece of furniture meticulously crafted. Like Joelâs room, there are books everywhere, but more animal drawings, some directly on the walls. Sarahâs brilliant personality expanded here, in the blues and pinks, not capable of being contained in a single body.Â
A body that seems so small and fragile in that little brass bed, while her father looms impossibly large.
âJoel.â Again, soft, but this time you put a hand on his bicep. Never near the neck, an older nurse warned you, that area is sensitive. His denim shirt is soft beneath your fingers, nearly bleached white from the sun and worn smooth from dust and dirt and wind. You think you smell churned earth and hot leather in the instant it takes you to kneel down beside him, your grip sliding from his shoulder to his forearm. With the other hand, you tip a steaming cup into his open palm.Â
âSarah told me you liked coffee.â
Slowly, as though he had blinked and reality disintegrated and reformed around him, Joelâs gaze slides from Sarahâs waxy face, to yours, and then the hand on his forearm. The back of your scalp prickles, the bulwark of courtesy shaking, before you remember youâd done this hundreds of times, to people of all ages, men and women. He seems to understand this â a professional gesture â and he takes the mug from you. With an almost perplexed expression, he stares into the nearly black liquid, his jaw tight.Â
And then he drinks, without saying a word.Â
You think you might have heard a low rumble from him, a pleased groan as heavy as the plow in the barn outside, but the floorboards creak when you stand up, so you might have been imagining things.
âThis tastes good,â he says bluntly, voice weather-beaten. You smile into the bowl of soup as you wave a hand over the steam to cool it down to something bearable. âHow?â
Despite his monosyllabic responses, you take this as a good sign. Something tells you that youâve made exceptional progress by getting him to talk at all.Â
âI got pretty good at making cowboy coffee, as my sister used to call it, before we moved to Oklahoma. You already had the beans in the cellar,â you say, shrugging as you bring the soup over to him. He eyes it warily, as if this is not the appropriate time to eat, as if his own suffering would make Sarahâs lessen.Â
Youâd only ever seen that instinct in a handful of parents while in the hospital and it made something wide and warm press up against your chest bone.Â
So you donât give him a choice. You push the soup into his hands with enough speed that he has to take the bowl or drop it entirely. He, like most people with common sense, takes the bowl. He has a second to frown at you before you turn away to Sarah.Â
âAnd I suspect they were hidden down there on purpose?â You ask as you take out another blanket from the basket beside her bed and flutter it over her legs. You remember stories about the women working with Elizabeth Kenny filling quilts with rocks or beans, anything with weight, and putting them over the affected limbs of polio patients. The compress soothed the ache.Â
Sarah snores gently in her sleep as her father behind you laughs, a soft rush of air from his nose, his mouth preoccupied with a half-grin.Â
âI try not to hurt her feelings,â he admits quietly. You hear the clatter of metal on porcelain as you fold and refold the blankets to carry more weight. âThat girl is a lot of things, but good at making coffee isnât one of âem.â He slurs around the soup in his mouth.Â
Itâs hard to believe sheâs only a year older than Ellie. They have both lost things, indescribable things at too-young an age. But where Ellie carries it in the grip of her hand around her knife, Sarah takes it on the chin.Â
Polio, a disease of freezing agony.Â
You wonder how much of Sarahâs inner world she keeps to herself.Â
Like with Ellie, you fight the urge to brush a lovely curl away from her cheek.Â
âYou have a special girl here, Joel.âÂ
You feel his gaze on the back of your neck and you drop your gaze from her pristine face, remembering itâs not your place to look at her like that. Not like how you want to look at her.
Not like how you might want to look at him.Â
Joel shifts on his feet, leaning forward to put the now empty bowl on the ground.
âI know.â By the strength of his tone, he admits to knowing that you see the bright light about Sarah like he does and so he lets you look. Your heart stutters at this silent transference and you grab blindly for that mask of noble duty.Â
âHow has her breathing been?â You sit down next to her and pick up her wrist, feeling for that steady pulse. You relax slightly when itâs easy to find. The beat of it is a little faster than you would like, but it hasnât woken her up.Â
âGood.â A disgruntled groan from the chair as he adjusts behind you. His voice is rich like molasses, dripping warmth down the knots in your spine. âWoke up here nâ there, like you said. Gave her food. Got her water. But she just went right back to sleep.â
âBut she ate and drank?âÂ
He nods out of the corner of your eye. You check the mobility of her joints and they seem to be back to their natural looseness. Whether sheâll feel strong enough to walk is another matter entirely, but itâs not good to worry him unnecessarily.Â
âThatâs good, Joel. Thatâs really good.âÂ
You smile at him and finally, finally, the corners of his eyes soften, his brows pluck up, and he breathes deep. The tension leaves his body the way steam leaves a lake in the hours before dawn, the cup of coffee resting on his thigh. His gaze falls from your face to hers, shrouded in shadow.
âSheâs never slept this long after an attack,â he says quietly. âAlways restless, pain flaring up. We once stayed up a whole day and night when it got bad.âÂ
He shakes his head, clears his throat a bit as if the words in his mouth leave behind a mucky, sour taste.
âThank you. For treating her properly.â
For doing what I couldnât.Â
Itâs true. But no amount of reassuring â Iâve just had training, you did the best you could â would dissipate that repugnant scent of guilt lingering in the air. You are forced to let it linger, unable to say a single damn thing that would mean anything to him.Â
As he finishes the last dregs of coffee, Joel unwinds his long legs from beneath the seat and his knees crack. Stiff joints after a long day of stillness, but immediately his fingers fly to that same spot he touched in the barn in that afternoon, his mouth tight from the unexpected flash of pain.Â
Immediately you kneel down, worried at the slight hiss he made, fingers inches from his thigh when he straightens.
âYou donât have toâ,â he shifts as if he can pull away from your touch and stay seated. âItâs not that bad â,âÂ
You frown at him. âCan the person here who has had actual medical training determine that?âÂ
Something light flickers over his eyes, so fast it might not have been real, smoothing the lines around his mouth. Joel nods, glancing to the floor.Â
âYes, maâam.â
That single word almost splits your skull in half like lightning.Â
You are immediately grateful for the heavy shadows in the room. Your palms, smarting all day, are now blistering with heat. Mouth shut tight, you donât trust whatever sits behind your lips, so you begin your inspection of his muscles. Thumbs down, you feel along the lines that lead down to his knee.
Hard, firm, you notice. Made solid by work and toil. A few of the bricklayers and farmers youâd attended to had muscles like these. Despite the rough denim and how unsettling it is to be this close to him, itâs easy to lose yourself in the methodology of the human body. Youâve learned to read sinew and bone and scar tissue like a map and you come to find that the topography of Joel Miller is mountainous.Â
âSo, mhm, whereâd you learn to make coffee?â
You thought the stiffness in his thigh was due to lingering pain, but when you look at him and his guarded expression, chin tilted into his chest, fingers tight around the bottom of the seat, you realize he is uncomfortable. He is made uncomfortable . . . by you. Something sharp pokes through a slot between your ribs and you sit up straighter, trying to make your touch even more clinical if possible. But what he says next, you arenât sure if itâs genuine or genuinely meant to hurt.
âYour husband?âÂ
You shake your head. âMy sister, actually. Ellieâs mom. Weâd trade night shifts when she was a baby. One of us would come home from our second job, and the other would leave for their first. Anna said sheâd never have survived those first years without coffee.â
You can hear the question he wants to ask buzzing in his head, your thumb rubbing therapeutic circles around the inflamed area. But instead he asks:
âAnd you . . . you like coffee?âÂ
You shrug. âI donât think I ever slowed down enough to ever taste it in the first place.âÂ
With Joel Miller, silence means a thousand things. Itâs not the way he looks at you, but the way he looks into you.
âAnna always said weâd be fine, that two unmarried women with a baby could make it in the city. But I wasnât so convinced. There wasnât much time for something like enjoying the taste of coffee because I was always busy taking every job I could get.âÂ
âLike treating sick kids.â He says it like he just found a piece of you off the ground and added it to a sprawling puzzle. He politely stares over your shoulder.
You swallow, throat tight. âActually, um, Anna had it - polio - too. I took the job as a nurse to learn how to treat her from home.âÂ
Those heavy eyes swing into you full force and you can feel your stomach roll and collapse against your spine.Â
âEvery case is different, Joel. What I did for Sarah, it wouldnât have helped someone like Anna.âÂ
âBut she died?â A third unwelcome presence.Â
âYes. She went fast. There was nothing anyone could do to save her.â
There was nothing you could do to save her.Â
Your thumbs are starting to ache, but you donât want to leave just yet. You want to sit and listen to his voice, even if itâs pitched in anger towards you.Â
But itâs not. His next words come out soft, if not a little bit disbelieving.Â
âWhere did you come from?â Joel asks. âYou said the city, Oklahoma. Howâd you end up in fuckinâ Dalhart, Texas?âÂ
You use your elbow on the thicker muscle up his thigh and he tries very hard not to wince.Â
âWe grew up in Boston. City girls all our lives. We had big plans of catching the bus line and going all over the country, just the two of us, but then Anna got pregnant and overnight, everything changed.â
He nods, knowingly. You add that to your own Joel Miller mosaic.
âI met the man Iâd marry while I worked as a maid in a motel. He was a banker, or so he told me, and he wanted to whisk me away. We were three months behind on our rent, so I told him yes, I'd marry him after knowing him for a week â as long as I got to bring Anna and Ellie with me. All he talked about was money, so I thought he had it. What he did have was enough to get us to Oklahoma, buy some farm equipment for the wheat boom, and then lose it all in a handful of years.â
âAnd then we lost Anna. We lost my husband. I went back to trying to find a job in town with no jobs.â You pull your hands back, the deep tissue of his thigh flushed with blood from your therapy, and having nothing more to do, little more to say, you drop them into your lap. âJust after we missed the payment for the equipment for the second month, I got a letter from a man claiming to be my long lost Uncle Robert. I hadnât eaten in three days and Ellie just got tagged by the police for shoplifting. I sent him a letter back and he said if I sent him our last twenty dollars heâd get us set up in Dalhart where he had a successful car dealership. I did and he didnât and if you hadnât picked us up, I donât know what we would have done.âÂ
You sit with the hot truth of it and he sits with the both of you. Itâs silent in a way that only a house in the middle of nowhere can be. Sarah stirs in her sleep, her legs rustling the sheets, but doesnât wake up.
âYou donât have to do that here, you know.â He straightens his legs, just as quietly as the rest of the house. He crosses his arms over his chest and you think about the muscle just under his forearm, thick and immobile as sea-drenched rope. âNot eat . . . for Ellieâs sake. Thereâs enough for you and her. Always.â
You think of the cellar with its soft dirt, cool air, the endless rows of stored fruits and vegetables and meat, buried like a still-beating heart beneath the dust-whipped house in a paradise on the prairie.Â
âBut I understand the inclination.â With you on the ground before him and Joel leaning forward, elbows on his knees, his broad back arching under the stripe of white moonlight, he looks at you.Â
Really looks at you.Â
Like recognizing like.
A passing in a distorted mirror that might be me but itâs not but I think I know you all the same there is a thing just like me out in the world and it sees me.
Slowly, hesitantly, as if heâs afraid youâll bite, he reaches forward and takes your wrist from your lap. The calluses on his thumb brush roughly against the knot of bone as he twists your palm upward. Pink, too pink, a stinging color, even in the low lamplight. Joel works his jaw back and forth, staring at your palm with weary concern, as if it told him things he didnât want to know.Â
His gaze lifts and your fingers curl instinctively in. Heâs trying to make you look and you donât want to. He sees your sacrifice and you donât want it called that, thereâs certain nobility in sacrifice, in a sort of suffering for other people, but itâs not sacrifice if you go willingly and despite you not wanting to look, not wanting to put a name to it, not wanting to take up any space at all, he looks at you like he, a man as broad and wide and powerful as he, is grateful.Â
For you.Â
Every bulwark inside of you, every foundation that you had built yourself because you never had the chance to grow hearty roots somewhere permanent, rumbles. Shakes, beneath a single solitary, rolling earthquake. A landslide of earth behind the strength in his eyes.Â
âFor her, for Sarah, Iâd do the same,â he says.Â
For her. For the children in your lives.Â
Do you even like coffee? All you know is how to make it. What would you do with it if you did? If you liked coffee? If you loved it.
If there was someone outside yourself and Ellie to make you coffee simply because you wanted it. Because you were in a circle of people for whom people would do things for. For her. For you.Â
The heart of Joel is like coffee: dark but warm.Â
Your wrist slips between his fingers, finding refuge again in your lap.Â
âI know.âÂ
You wonder what it would be like to be within Joelâs circle of people for whom he does things. To be given coffee, just because you want it.Â
You bet itâs warm.
You stand up, collect the empty, used things, and wish him a good night.Â
A noise and sunlight startles you awake. Your eyes tear open, hand flat on an open pool of sunlight in the center of the mattress, head twisted and knees bent up by your chest. In your sleep, your body twisted itself into a Gordian knot, unable to escape the dreams about the cellar ground turning into coffee beans, and the cramped bloodflow leaves you disoriented until you can roll onto your back and remember where you are. The smells that surround you.Â
You hear the noise again and you think of Ellie and in that instance where complete consciousness returns to you, the weight of her is gone. Literally.
Ellie is not in the bed beside you.Â
The roomâs brightness is suddenly too bright, the clear, electric blue sky too blue â itâs too beautiful and it lulled you into a sense of comfort. Stupid, so stupid. You ignore the warm floorboards against your bare feet, the faint birdsong from outside, as you rush towards the source of the sound, towards Sarahâs bedroom â oh god, I was wrong itâs too late it took her in the night and I â
The sound you do not recognize, the sound you could not comprehend while buried in dreams and memories, is the sound of laughter. Loud, full laughter.
The brass bed creaks as Ellie uses the mattress to fling herself into the air. On the other end, just as determined to reach the ceiling, is Sarah. Hands outstretched and reaching, her legs bend and flex and propel her up and up. Every time she gets within a handfulâs reach of the ceiling, Ellieâs laughing, cheering her on, and then itâs her turn, Sarah giggling as Ellieâs face scrunches up as she reaches out towards the blue sky on the other side of the roof.
âOh, hey!â Ellie says, pink-faced and causal, half-way out of breath. Sarah spins, mid-way through a jump, her eyes bright, sweat peaking on her brow line. âSarah bet â I couldnât touch â the ceiling â so weâre taking turns â loser has to shovel â the barn!âÂ
You watch, dumb-struck, as the bet continues, the girls laughing and criticizing each other and offering techniques as they work in tandem to fling the other one higher. Sarah is flush with vitality, with life, with a dewy glow reserved for spring mornings when the earth stretches awake after the death of winter.
And Ellie . . . she looks her age.Â
The earth has shifted beneath your feet, while you were sleeping, and a seedling has been planted, the dawn of something new, something fresh and utterly unexpected. You can feel it in your bones. Hear it in their laughter.Â
âNot a bad thing to wake up to.âÂ
Joel, arms crossed, eyes soft, leans up against the door frame, blue striped pajamas low on his hips, a thread-bare white undershirt cupping his biceps. He eyes you from toe to head and stops when he meets your eyes. You wonder how long heâd been standing there â if he too woke to noises he couldnât explain, rushed in here, and found something miraculous.
The smile crinkles his eyes as it unfurls across his face.Â
âI havenât heard her laugh like that in a while,â he says quietly, head tilted towards the bed, as if there could be any other meaning. âI owe you one.âÂ
You could say the same thing about Ellie.
Thereâs the line, the boundary of the circle to the place of being warm. Heâs not cleared the way for you, not invited you across, but heâs shown it to you. You can see it, feel it, and know what it takes to get there.
Your smile blooms. The girlsâ laughter rings throughout the house and into the sunlight.
But, outside of paradise, away from the river and the white a-frame house, from the horse and the cattle and the long strands of prairie grass, where there is not enough to eat and the earth is in its death rattle, the wind blows. It swallows up dust, and dirt, and fine sand, gluttonous. It swirls and pulses, agitated and restless and seeking violence. Spinning with the power to blind with a single whip of dust, it spins up over the earth in its death rattle, where there is not enough to eat, towards the prairie grass. Towards the horse and the cattle. Towards the river and the a-frame.
Towards paradise with the promise of total ruin.Â
END OF PART IÂ
series masterlist | AO3 Link | prologue | part ii
#joel miller#joel miller x reader#joel miller smut#joel miller series#joel miller au#joel miller imagine#tlou fanfiction#the last of us fanfiction#the last of us hbo#joel miller tlou#tlou fic#joel the last of us#the last of us fanfic#joel x reader#tlou hbo#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller the last of us#joel miller x female reader#joel miller fluff#joel miller fic#joel miller x you#lover share your road
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hello! I see you have requests open...(?) for the hobbit/lotr, and I was wondering if I could request a modern!thranduil x reader fanfiction? the reader is some sort of barista/baker/other thing, and Thranduil is obviously all rich and shit and comes in once, is enamoured by shy, flustered reader and then becomes a regular? obviously, they end up together in the end. thank you!
Lattes and Love | hobbit
pairing: Thranduil x fem!reader đ
it's a rainy monday, perfect for a meet-cute with the new, handsome and rich customer that you totally don't embaress yourself in front of
tags/warnings: coffeeshop!au, fluff
word count: 2,7k
an: oh, this was such a good request! Thoroughly loved writing it :)
+ masterlist + rules + đż reposts and comments are appreciated, they motivate me a lot and keep me writing <3
"Falling for customers strictly forbidden!" was the non-negotiable rule for anyone who found themselves working at the loveliest café in Laketown; 'Beans & Leafs'.
Despite being written out on a wooden board behind the counter and in the kitchen, this rule was obviously ignored by more than half of the employees; the others were either happily coupled up, had no interest in romance, or had such an unhealthy work-life balance that this didn't matter anyway.
You, on the other hand, a longtime single and die-hard lover of romance novels, were one of the employees who couldn't go a month without an over-the-counter crush, serving coffees and teas as well as heart eyes and shy blushes.
You had perfected your craft of pouring coffee while thinking of scenarios where, instead of getting a tip, the handsome brunette with the gentle smile would wait until the end of your shift and invite you out for not coffee, but a drink, perhaps.
These fantasies did no one any harm; you would even go as far as to debate that the love you pledged for the customers was an ingredient that fitted exquisitely into the crushed beans and steamed milk.
There had never been any complaints, so there was no reason whatsoever why your boss, Bard, flung his arm out and pointed at the sign when the doorbell chimed one rainy Monday morning.
The weather had been particularly awful the entire weekend, clouds hanging low and leaving you to barricade yourself into your apartment, and when you'd left the house this morning, paddling away on your bike and avoiding muddy puddles as well as you could, the skies were still gray and gloomy. Inside the café the warm lamps tried their best to fight against the pale sunlight that fell through rain-streaked windows, coloring everything in washed-out watercolors.
When you followed the length of Bard's hand however it was as if the sun broke through, even if it was only for the few seconds you stared at the man who just entered the shop and stepped into the small line of customers.
He was breathtakingly gorgeous, right up the alley of models you saw in fashion magazines with his sharp cheekbones and the pair of high-waisted jeans that hugged his waist perfectly. Even his long black coat seemed like it was tailored for his broad shoulders and he looked, by all means, expensive.
"Eyes, Darlin', eyes."
It was only when Bard gently nudged his hip against yours as he passed you from behind and tapped one finger against the sign again, that you bewilderedly realized that hadn't been a direction to the customer's eyes â oh boy, they were twinkling like starlight â but rather a command to advert yours.
"Stop bossing me around," you groaned quietly, glad for the jazz music that played from speakers over your head and the chatter of the few other customers that had found their way into the 'Beans & Leafs'.
"I am your boss. I have every right to command you 'round," Bard said, knocking his knuckles against the sign, "And a rule 's a rule. Doesn't matter if you're the best worker I've got 'round here."
You stuck your tongue out at him of the corner of your mouth under the pretense that it was nothing but concentration over the milk you were pouring into a cup for the customer in front of you.
"You're so annoying," you said as you turned your back on the counter to grab a new cup. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"
The question was directed at Bard but it's not his warm voice that answers your teasingly snappy question, but a deeper one without the familiar drip of Bard's accent:
"Yes, actually, so I would appreciate my latte with three shots of espresso for takeaway please."
You immediately flew around, hot shame bubbling up straight into your cheeks as you squealed, "Oh shitâ I mean, shit, sorry!"
Of course. Of course, the 6ft beauty was the next in line, casually resting one arm on the counter and scrutinizing you with those captivating bright eyes that, now that he stared at you and there wasn't anything between you except the bar and miles of shame, did look exactly like starlight. This was so unprofessional and it didn't help that you were frozen on the spot.
You heard Bard's rough laughter, saw him shaking his head in not-so-quiet disbelief out of your peripheral vision and it only fueled the blush that took over your whole face. "I'm so sorry," you apologized and lowered your chin to look away from the customer and down to the coffee machine instead.
Flaming red cheeks reflected in the silver metal greeted you as you let the machine take over for the espresso â arabica beans from Brasille, rich, sweet and slightly nutty, and, if brewed correctly, which you always managed, would leave a lingering taste reminiscent of dark chocolate. "Whole milk, oat, almond, or soy?" you asked, swallowing the lump of embarrassment that was lodged in your throat.
"Oat, please."
You nodded and fell into the rhythm that you were used to, that, despite the hope the ground would tear up and swallow you completly, comes like second nature. "I just want to let you know that I truly wasn't talking to you," you started and foamed up the milk, hiding behind the steam.
The customer huffed out an amused laugh. "No? You're only that cheeky to your employer?"
Great, now he thought you were an employee who didn't respect her higher-ups. "No no! It's a joke," you cringed at the nervous chuckle you laughed, "Nothing serious, just joking. He knows I would never disrespect him, he's a good boss, one of the best actually! Andâ" you heard your rambling and wanted to close your eyes at the next blink and never open them again, "â and I should probably stop talking now."
Bard passed you again, patting one hand fatherly on your shoulder though this helped barely because the slight touch immediately zipped straight through your spine. In what could only be described as unfortunate timing your arm flinched forward, breaking the carefully concentrated pouring of steamed milk into the paper cup, and to your horror you watched as the foam parted through the coffee.
And created the perfect heart.
You gave yourself a second to breathe, to stare down into the paper cup and this was totally fine; you made latte art all the time and most of your favorite customers got a heart one day or another. And even if you didn't know the man at all and already made a fool out of yourself, other coffee places did this as well.
It's just coffee.
But it was never just coffee with all the love you poured into it, wasn't it?
So you steeled yourself, ignored the churning of your stomach, and plastered on a flustered smile. "Here's your coffee, Sir." The heart cheekily smiled right back, foam bobbing on top and this was definitely a moment you would be thinking about, maybe even use as an opportunity to reevaluate the importance of Bard's stupid sign. "Cash or card?"
He already pulled out a sleek wallet, manicured nails and long fingers pushed a neat $20 over to you. He wore a smirk, the corners of his mouth turned so far up that white teeth showed and dimples buried themselves into his cheeks. "Cash. I suspect the tips go straight toâ" one finger lifted and pointed straight forward, "you?"
"Me," you repeated and quickly shook your head, "I mean yes, they go to me."
"Good," he chuckled, "wouldn't want anyone else to share what you earned rightfully, don't we? Keep the change."
"But Sir!" you protested because this tip was ludicrously big for a latte; more than double the amount of what he had paid for the drink on its own without the free show of you being a complete fool.
The man arched an eyebrow though it carried nothing but curiosity instead of the superiority that it would communicate by an older, more stuffy guy.
You busied your hands, cleaned the frother, and emptied the remaining ground coffee into the trash before you ran a rag over the machine, or otherwise, the probability of ruining your nailbeds was much too high. "The coffee's maybe not to your liking â what if you absolutely hate it?"
"Then I will simply order another one another time," he replied and the hope that sprung up inside your chest, another timeâ another visit, he would come backâ bounced around your ribcage and threatened to burst right through.
Your throat clicked as you swallowed, looking up from the dark brown coffee that filled the next mug, coffee black, arabica beans imported from Peru, fruity and perfect for the cappuccino order, up to the man, this stunning beautiful man who tipped like he could throw away money and not notice the amount missing, the epitome of all what you've dreamed about and exceeding those standards the longer he stood around.
You grabbed the opportunity, damned the sign because why the hell should anyone be forbidden to fall in love with him and bit down on your lower lip, smiling softy.
"Could I get your name?"
"I already have my coffee," he said amused and the heat was back in your cheeks. "But it's Thranduil. Nice to meet you," Thranduil's starlight eyes dropped to the name-pin buttoned to your apron and flittered back up, warm and deep voice wrapping around your name in a manner that was close to too overwhelming. "Now, let's try this drink, shall we?"
Completely entranced by his soft-looking lips that twitched back into a smile at the sight of the heart, eyes locking on yours again as he lifted the cup, you watched him take a sip.
A soft hum.
Long lashes fluttering shut against the apple of his cheek.
Yep, there was no way back from this. By the end of your shift, you would probably bike home and dream about this moment, when Thranduil opened his eyes again and you were still staring, caught despite the line forming behind him, other customers held up by Bard, this wonderful man you would never ask anything of him ever again, and Thranduil competed in the new game of who would look away first.
"Sweet," his voice was still deep, coated by a warmness that only satisfactory coffee would bring, and you swore you tasted the chocolate on your tongue as you bit down on it.
The way your eyes scanned the work area to check if you had accidentally poured sugar into his coffee, he didn't order any, right? â and while the oak milk carried some sweetness with it, it wasn't much but what ifâ were a clear message of slight panic, nervousness of having gotten his order wrong and Thranduil quickly deescalated the deep frown forming in your eyebrows.
"Ah, don't worry. I wasn't talking about the coffee," Thranduil said, and, lifting the cup to his lips, he winked at you over the rim.
He left you like that, mouth hanging slightly open while your mind ran the calculation of whether or not he had flirted with you.
You spent the rest of the day in a haze, only managing the midday and afternoon rush with the memory of Thranduil whom you swore, you saw rushing past the window of the shop in the evening, long hair flying in the wind at his quick steps and if your mind didn't play tricks on you, his head turned when he passed you, eyes finding yours in a second that quietened down all the sounds.
The next day, he came in again, a phone pressed to his ear and an apologetic voiceless: "So sorry," when the call was seemingly important enough for him to take his latte, foam-heart included, and dashed back outside, leaving you another hefty tip but no further interaction.
You sighed.
For good measure, you even glared at the sign.
Thranduil stopped by on his way to work every morning from Monday, Thursday and Friday, ordering his latte until it waited for him at exactly 7:45, the heart inside the coffee wandering onto the takeaway cup when you started scribbling his name onto it, first on the dot of the 'i' and then, later, when you were brave enough, next to the name.
It was a hurdle, more than often you had the sharpie pressed into the paper, blacking out from sheer panic that seeped through you like the dark ink that ended up either a smiley or a flower or full stop.
Thranduil would come in, sweep you off your feet by simply smiling or smirking at the new doodle on his coffee, steaming hot as soon as the bell announced his arrival, and leave. Never without tipping you enough for you to buy a new bike at the end of the first month of him visiting the 'Beans & Leafs'.
On Saturdays, Thranduil came in and settled his tall body into one of the window tables, entirely oblivious to all the ogling he got from passersby as well as customers, they stared all the same at his beauty and the weekend always got better because his sole focus was on you.
On Saturdays, he got his coffee, a Cappuccino served in dark blue mugs that complimented his white-blond hair and the rosé of his lips that savored every last drop, and he started asking you for your opinions on the breakfast options.
The first time he did it, long legs crossed over each other and his head propped up on his hands listening intently, you rambled on the entirety of the menu, babbling on and on and on:
"We got wonderful apple rose tarts, that truly look like roses, and rhubarb pie or a lemon shortcake â that one goes perfectly with the chocolaty taste of the coffee beans! And we have croissants, banana bread, and a cheese Danish!"
"Mhmm, all of those sound amaâ" Thranduil started but was interrupted by your nervous continuing chatter:
"And of course, you could have a chicken and avocado sandwich, if you want something more savory. Or our chefs make a mean bacon and egg one with arugula and a blueberry vinaigrette?" you asked and threw a quick look to Thranduil who hid his amused smile that lit up his whole face behind his fingers. "Oh, or are you a vegetarian? Then I would recommend the olive, tomato and hummus bagel, but maybe you don't like olives. For that, we have a walnut quicheâ"
"Yes, I am vegetarianâ"
The smile bloomed past the, noticeably large, hands, the corner of his mouth curling up while his eyebrows furrowed in the concentration of keeping still, watching you in awe as your breath held on far longer than his ability to remain calm and it was only a matter of time until you were done.
Your eyes landed on the dimples, the soft crow feet next to his eyes, and low on oxygen you finally managed to detangle yourself from the menu that you had previously, in preparation for this moment, had carefully written down on your notesblock, the page now crinkled at the edges and most of the ink smeared under the hard press of your thumbs.
"Great! Do you want me to repeat the vegetarian options?"
Thranduil ordered all of your recommendations.
Not all at once, it wasn't past you to bring out dozens of plates at his request but Thranduil kept to two cups of coffee and worked his way through the display of cakes, pies, breads, rolls and sandwiches, always prepared by you.
You served him his first coffee with a heart in his mug and a plate for him to eat and after rushing through the next hour, eyes locking across the room now and again whenever you looked up from the coffee machine and he from his plate, you would bring him his second cup, carrying the heart-coffee and another one for you to sip on during your break, legs brushing against each other under the small table.
It was there, at this table, that Thranduil asked you out, not two months after the first interaction.
It was also at this table that he kissed you for the first time, tasting like love, lattes and a bit of chocolate.
©itsonlydana 2024, character art by MiracleAna on Devianart
#đfiles: thranduil fanfics#thranduil x reader#thranduil oropherion#thranduil fanfiction#king thranduil#thranduil x you#the hobbit x you#the hobbit x reader#the hobbit fanfiction
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Written for @corrodedcoffinfest
Prompt: Wrath | Word Count: 1313 | Rating: T | CW: child abuse, self harm (slapping/hair pulling) | POV: Eddie | Pairing: None | Tags: Eddie Munson, Wayne Munson, Jeff Stranger Things, Uncle Wayne Supremacy, Good Uncle Wayne, do not fuck with that man
Eddie shivers on the front porch of his uncleâs trailer, hand curled in a fist ready to knock. Wayne works weird hours and Eddieâs brain trips and stumbles trying to do the math; itâs six p.m., would he still be in bed? But he feels the sting of the pelting rain on his back, can still feel the burn in his legs from running and the bare truth of it is heâs got no place else to go. So he knocks politely on the front door and waits.Â
It doesnât take long for Wayne to come to the door, pulling it back sharply, scowling, and Eddie just canât deal with any more people being angry today, so he shuffles backwards. But Wayneâs eyes widen as he steps outside, no shoes on, his socks getting soaked.
âEddie? The hell you doing out in this?â Wayne asks him but then his eyes turn sharp and beady, just like Dadâs, as he takes in the bruises that Eddie can feel pulsing under his skin, at the eye he canât see out of anymore. He pulls Eddie inside and tells him to sit.
âYour dad do this?â Wayne asks, handing him a towel.Â
Eddie shrugs. âIt was my fault.â He pull his top off and Wayneâs eyes flick down to his ribs. The bruise isnât that bad, just Dad caught him funny with that stupid ring he wears, and thereâs no meat on him so itâs sore. He dries himself off best he can and Wayne gives him an old flannel in exchange for his t-shirt. Itâs soft and warm and he realises how tired he is, how much he just wants to curl up on the couch and sleep, but his jeans are sticking to him like wet cardboard.
Cupboards bang, draws crash, and Eddie flinches at the noise. But then he feels the warmth of cigarette breath against his cheek as Wayne sits close to him, dabbing at a cut.
âAnd howâd you figure that?âÂ
Eddie flushes with shame. âI used up the last of the milk and bread.â He leaves out the bit where his dad called him an inconsiderate bastard. âHe had nothing to eat.âÂ
Wayne letâs out a heaving breath, like a dragon finding its flame. âHe heard of stores?â
Eddie shrugs, and shit he has to stop that, Dad hates it.
Wayne sticks a couple of plasters on him, one on his eyebrow and one on his cheek, and it dawns on Eddie he has to go to fucking school like this. Has to walk through the halls with everyone knowing his business and it makes him feel sick.Â
When heâs done, Wayne puts his shoes on over his damp socks and grabs his keys.
âI got a couple of errands to run, wasnât expecting company. You got a friend you can stay with for a while?â
He nods, quick as a flash. âJeff.â
Eddieâs wrapped in Wayneâs big coat, sitting in his stinky old truck as he drives them to the other side of town, the one with the nice houses, and the nice yards with the flower beds. Eddieâs only been here once or twice and he wasnât sure if Jeffâs mom actually liked him or not, she was awful religious, but then so was Wayne so maybe theyâd get on.
They pull up and Eddie leads the way, feeling the comforting weight of his uncleâs hand firm on his shoulder as he rings the doorbell. It only takes a moment for the door to open, Mrs Williams standing there looking like the lady from the Dawn advert, all smart blouse and apron. She sees Wayne first and then looks at Eddie and lets out a little gasp.
âIâm awful sorry to bother you maâam, but Eddie says heâs friends with your boy?â
Mrs Williams looks shocked. âJeffrey didnât do this!â
âNo, no,â Wayne says quickly. âI know that. Itâs just that, I wasnât expecting Eddie this evening and I have to take care of a couple of things and I just didnât want to leave him alone. I wondered if he could sit with your boy for an hour or so?â
She thinks on it a little too long, and Eddie has no doubt sheâs about to give them some excuse on why he canât come in, but Jeff is bounding up the hallway.
âEddie! Holyâ what happened?â
âJeffrey,â she scolds. But then she sighs and says, âI guess that would be fine.â
Jeff drags him to his bedroom and they flop to the floor together, shoulder to shoulder, knee to knee.Â
"Your dadâs an asshole,â Jeff whispers.Â
Eddie sniffs. âYeah.âÂ
âWanna play Atari?â
âOkay.â
He doesnât have the energy for words tonight but Jeff seems to get it and they play Street Racer in silence before Mrs Williams calls them for dinner. Itâs a real hot dinner, too. Not that he minds Sugar Smacks or Kraft Singles, he fucking loves Kraft singles, but itâs cold out and he hasnât had lasagne in a long time.
Sitting at the table with Jeff and his sister and Mrs Williams is warm and cosy, but it strikes him hard that this isnât his life, that Wayne will take him home tonight, once Dad has had time to calm down, and heâll smooth it over like he always does and then Eddie will go back to that miserable house that hasnât been a home in six years.
Itâs nearly eight p.m when Wayne finally returns. Thereâs hushed voices on the doorstep before Mrs Williams calls for him.Â
âSee you at school tomorrow?â asks Jeff, pulling Eddie into a crushing hug.
âYeah, I guess.â
They break apart but he doesnât want to leave. He feels such a deep stab of jealousy at Jeffâs perfect family and perfect home, at his Atari and his nice clothes. At his safety. All the things he will never have.Â
He says thank you to Mrs Williams and trudges up the path to Wayneâs truck.
Wayne pushes the passenger door open for him and the cab light comes on, shining harshly on Wayneâs face. Thereâs a deep red mark under his eye, like he got caught with a ring, and heâs wiping at his nose, dots of blood on his shirt. But itâs his hands that Eddie fixates on, the knuckles purpling, scraped and split, his right looking swollen and painful, and Wayneâs face pinches as he tries to stretch it.
âUncle Wayne?â he says with a shaky voice.
âI got your things. Youâre staying with me now.â Wayne turns the key in the ignition and glances across at Eddie. âThat okay?â
He says it like it holds no weight. Like itâs nothing that Eddie doesnât have to go back. Like itâs nothing that the weight that crushes his chest all the fucking time just got lifted.
And with the weight gone it all rushes to the surface, a pathetic little choked sob at first while he tries to keep it in, because you must never cry, itâs fucking weak, youâre so fucking weak, Eddie, youâre nothing, Eddie, youâre stupid, Eddie. He smacks his face, tries to pull at whatâs left of his hair but Wayneâs got his hands on him, hard and unyielding but not mean. Not angry.
âStop that now. Itâs okay, Eddie,â Wayne says, gently. âHe wonât lay another hand on you. Promise.â
Wayne pulls him in, awkward across the console. Heâs not a toucher, Wayne, not big on hugs and kisses, always used to shake Eddieâs hand when he was little rather than kiss him goodbye, but he wraps Eddie in his arms and squeezes now, erases the fear, makes him feel wanted. Eddie feels like he can breathe, like thereâs actual air in his lungs for the first time in so long.Â
Eddie doesnât stop crying, because now he doesnât have to.
@the-unforgivenn â€ïž
(Please god let me have caught all the typos)
#corrodedcoffinfest: seven deadly sins#corrodedcoffinfest#wrath#eddie munson#wayne munson#jeff stranger things#cw child abuse#cw self harm#Wayne Munson is a fucking saint
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Hi ! I really like the series you wrote ! Can I request something? If not thats fine! If yes thank you! so.. what if civilian is a sleep deprived person?
Note: thank youuuuuu for your require, love. I hope this was the type of thing that you were looking for <3 Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Civilian!Reader Warnings: No mask Simon (It's my personal headcanon in his regular life he probably wouldn't wear it), established relationship, talk of sleep struggles, canon-typical swearing.
There were just times when sleep wouldnât come. No matter how hard that you tried. No matter how many home remedies you attempted. Whether you listened to relaxing music, or white noise, or rain sounds, or really anything sleep just seemed to evade you. It was like this endless cycle of laying on bed wishing to sleep, then become anxious that you couldnât sleep, then reminding yourself that morning would soon come and you needed to sleep and then back around to wishing for sleep again.
It certainly didnât help that from beside you Simon seemed to sleep like a log, snoring, drooling and all the good stuff, if you didnât love him so much, youâd hate him for how easily he seemed to sleep. Simon had once explained that he caught up on most of his sleep when he was home with you. Similar to you sleep evaded him when he was away from home.
Raising up from the bed as you were unable to take another moment of overthinking your position of not being able to sleep. Entering the lounge, you turned on the TV and set the volume low, watching endless JML adverts for surprising useful useless products. Honestly, youâd seen the mop advertised so many times now you were half convinced to buy it so that they would maybe show it lessâŠ
âCouldnât sleep again?â The tired voice of Simon asked then, stepping into the lounge whilst rubbing his eyes tiredly. âNo, but you go to bedâŠâ You assured him and frowned a little as he moved to sit down beside you. âDo you want me to heat you up some milk, love?â Simon quizzed, placing an arm around your shoulders to tug you into his side.
âNo.â You replied. âI just want to sleep.â You let out a sad noise of frustration and Simon frowned to himself. âI know.â He whispered, gently trailing his fingers up and down your arm, trying to coax you to relax. âWhat do you need me to do?â For a moment or two you just remained quiet. âDo me a favour, babe⊠close your eyes for me.â
You huffed. âIt isnât going to work.â There was clear frustration to your voice. âOi, just⊠close your eyes. Yeah? It doesnât matter if it donât work, just you closing your eyes with a clear mind is enough for nowâŠâ Allowing your eyes to flutter closed Simon manoeuvred you so that he was laying across the sofa and you were placed between his legs with your back against him. âYour eyes closed?â
âYes.â You answered shortly. âGood.â Gently his coarse fingers began to trail over your body, gently kissing the shell of your ear. âClear your mind, babe⊠Just focus on right now⊠Just focus on right here. Me and you.â The feel of his fingers trailing up your arms, the feel of the steady beat of his heart. âYou need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to sleep. Alright?â Pressing another kiss to your temple. âSleep is something you need. Sleep is something you deserve.â
It was weird because Simonâs words were making you feel heavy, they were making you feel sleepy, but what if⊠what if he didnât work and what if he got mad? Oh shit, you were overthinking things again. âOi.â His voice was soft, as if sensing you beginning to grow anxious again. âStop thinking. Clear your pretty head.â Simon coaxed, pressing another kiss to the side of your head.
A few more moments passed and you really tried your best to clear your mind, trying your best to follow his quiet commands and a second later you opened your eyes in surprise, looking at the clock to see that 20 minutes had passed. âFuckâŠâ You muttered under your breath. âSâokay.â Simon whispered from behind you, fighting sleep himself. âClose your eyes fâme. Letâs try again.â
Masterlist | Ask | 10-12-2023
#simon riley x reader#ghost x reader#simon ghost riley#simon ghost x reader#simon riley#simon riley x you#ghost cod#ghost mw2#simon riley imagine#simon riley cod#simon ghost riley x reader#ghost simon riley#simon riley x y/n#ghost call of duty#ghost#ghost mw3#ghost x y/n#ghost x you#simon riley smut#ghost smut#ghost fluff#simon riley fluff
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