#mildly-intrusivethoughts

[mildly-intrusivethoughts]

Trying to Get You to Bed

A/N: I’ve been sleeping bad, so I decided to make some little fics on it. Made it GN for the besties. Enjoy <3 Word Count: 635

Wilford: “Oh dear!” Wilford was rambling on about who knows what when he finally notices how late into the night it had gotten. He turns to look at you, asking if you were ready for bed but sees that you clearly were. You had arranged yourself on the armchair with your legs propped up on one end of the armrest and your head on the other. You tucked your arms into your body so they wouldn’t dangle. He debated taking a quick picture but instead locked it away in his memory, deciding that it indeed was time for bed. He walked over to you and rubbed your shoulders, gently kissing the top of your head attempting to wake you up to go to bed. You turned away from him, mumbling “Okay, let’s go” but made no actual effort to get off the chair, instead turning in more to try to get comfortable. Eventually, he carefully picks you up and takes you to bed, kissing your face softly saying how silly you were, the words barely making it past your ears.

Actor!Mark: It was only 08:30 pm. You both were lounging in the living room, it was a quiet night. He was on one end of the couch looking over scripts while you were on the other side, browsing through your phone trying not to disturb him. Then with one long exaggerated sigh, he gets off the couch and stretches loudly, letting out a pleased hum as his joints crack. You look up from your phone with an eyebrow arched, “Where you going?” You can tell he heard you but he didn’t respond, instead he sauntered over to the few lamps that were on in the living room, twisting the knobs to ‘OFF’ one by one, till the only light from the living room came from your phone. His barely visible figure moved towards the doorway of the room. Realizing you hadn’t moved from your spot on the couch he finally responded back, “Well? Are you coming to bed?” and left the room. You quickly hopped off the couch after him.

Dark: It was late into the night and you were still typing away on your laptop. The emails seemed never ending and you couldn’t stop yourself from replying. Dark simply watched you from the other side of your office space. ‘Better to finish replying now than to open up to a full inbox’ you had told him, by this point it seemed like it was hours ago. There was something that frustrated him as he watched you hunched over your laptop, screen practically inches from your face. Your eyes were clearly strained, now that he remembered, weren’t you supposed to be wearing glasses? Glancing up at the old clock in the room, he decided that you’ve had enough. You barely glanced up at him over your screen. Before you had a chance to tell him you were almost done, Dark’s fingers slid up behind the laptop’s screen and began pushing forward, slowly closing it down until they barely touched down on your hands, “I think you’re done for tonight” he said. “I was almost done” you said, laughing a little as you were caught off by his actions. Dark stood unwavering, his aura growing slightly more intimidating as he pressed a little more lightly on the laptop. Your eyes met with his, hoping you could puppy eye your way for more time but there was no room to convince him you still had time for a few more emails. With a defeated sigh, you pulled your hands off the keys and slumped back into your chair as Dark rounded the table to your side. “Let’s go,” he said a little softer this time, pulling your hand to get you out of your chair.

[maximuswolf]

This is killing me, but I have hope. Is that wise? via /r/intrusivethoughts

This is killing me, but I have hope. Is that wise?

During last summer, I developed a sense of high anxiety around being in the company of young people/babies that I'd never had prior. This was a result of feeling intense distress over finding out that an ex teacher was a pedophile. I came to realize in March this year through research that this is called POCD, which provided me with a lot of relief.

In the late evening of Monday, 23rd September 2019 after having moved back into university halls of residence for my second year a week prior, I basically watched lewd stuff (obviously with adults in) for around about 2-4 hours intermittently when my depression was as its worst height. I'd already experienced false memories by this point.

I would go from lying on the front of my chest and push into the bed (an awkward way of doing it that I developed when I was in my early teens) while watching the lewd stuff on my phone, to then sitting up and watching random videos on YouTube.

The second to last video I watched was a video of Kurt Cobain and his 2 year old daughter, that appeared on the homepage after going back from and sitting up in bed again. At this point, I remember thinking that if I were to watch this video, I shouldn't watch another video afterwards, purely ''because this YouTube video had a baby in it'' - even though I knew deep down that the two videos were entirely separated by tabs on my phone, not to mention obviously by content.

Nevertheless, I watched the interview video, scrolled through the comments and paused at a specific point then went back to the lewd stuff, and only then did I kneel down again, but with a video loaded.

Finally, I remember sitting up again and going back to the YouTube homepage and the first video shown was a slideshow of Cobain's daughter through the years and I remember feeling so much guilt for having watched the prior stuff. The reason for this is that - as best as I can describe - seeing her (as a baby, the pinnacle of innocence) exemplified the essential humanity that we all have, including the adult performers I'd been watching.

As a result, I felt heavy guilt (that I now realize to be misplaced) for being what I considered to be ''anti-feminist'', and an ''evil person''.

Perhaps I overthink the morality of things, I don't know.

My brain at the time immediately started to go into overload and overlap what would otherwise be two separate actions of watching YouTube then lewd stuff. I remember going to the sink afterwards, and dry-vomiting.

With regards to the actual first-person recollection of possibly staring at the Cobain video, I have no explicit sensory memory of this. The 'image' in my head is grainy at best. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself were this the opposite.

After leaving the bathroom and panicking a lot, I walked through it step-by-step, and eventually felt comfortable enough that I hadn’t done anything wrong and so I left it. This, as a general worry didn't reappear again till May 2020, with the rest of 2019 being spent going from day-to-day worries and false memories. I even felt happy and content on New Year's Day this year.

Surely, if I'd done this horrible thing, I wouldn't have been able to feel anything happy ever again?

At first, I wondered if I did do it, and I just repressed it, or I didn’t and actually it’s just my overactive imagination mixed with my anxiety. I know that in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong, as I had listened to Nirvana plenty of times afterwards, and didn’t feel pangs of guilt or shame that I know I would’ve if I’d done anything wrong.

Things have gotten better mildly. My first appointment with an OCD therapist is soon. I'm currently two weeks and four days into taking a beta-blocker to regulate my heart-rate and blood pressure that helps ward off the panic attacks I have about it.

I'm trying to sleep better, but sometimes the image creeps in too much. I'm due to get a new set of the anti-depressant mirtazipine soon, too.

But even with that, it all feels like too much right now and I'm more suicidal than ever about this.

I don't want to die over an image in my head, but is this a belated guilty conscience?

I worry that I might, out of a morbid curiosity, have done it. I remember faintly thinking how awful it would be to do it, and then - as far as I know - not doing it.

At the same time, I'm becoming exhausted with just existing on the periphery, not showering and ordering takeaways etc. I have a drive to continue life because I know I didn't do this, as there's no way I would have done it, let alone live with myself afterwards. I'm aiming to get my life back. Sorry, this post is kind of despondent and hopeful.

Submitted September 08, 2020 at 06:55AM by Initiative-Visual via reddit https://ift.tt/2DEAi1U

[mildly-intrusivethoughts]

Sitting on Their Laps

Wilford, Actor!Mark & Dark:

A/N: No warnings, just cozy thoughts. Kept it pretty much gender neutral. Enjoy !

Wilford - He has you sitting on one of his knees. Will bounce you on it with a hand on your back for support and the other pulling important paperwork or drafts from his desk. Likes holding you like this so he can see your face while he shows you his projects. Despite the bouncing, his lap is still comfy. Kinda soothing and it has you leaning into his shoulder so you can comfortably keep listening to his rambling. He’ll occasionally ask if you’re still listening, to which you reply with a gentle ‘mhmm’.

Mark - Has you sitting fully on his lap as you hold his tablet with an audition piece he’s debating on sending in. His arms are wrapped around your waist and he has his head popping out to the side so he can get a better view of your reaction to his audition. His thumb is lightly caressing your stomach to ease his anxiety, hoping to hear nothing but approval by the time the video is done. When the video is finally finished and you look back to him, he’s looking up at you expectantly. How could you ever tell him something wasn’t good, he truly was a great actor. “I absolutely love it!” He gives you a big squeeze and smile, “Of course you do! Where’s my goddamn Oscar!”

Darkiplier - At first he would refuse to let you sit on his lap, he’s not typically one for touches. One particularly stressful day has him lightly pulling you towards him. Very unexpected but you followed his guiding hands onto him, gently straddling his thighs with your own, chest to chest and arms wrapped around his neck. With his head buried into your neck, you feel all the air escape from him and slowly fill back in as his chest expands. His hands are wrapped around your waist, hands caressing your lower back, not moving anywhere else. He seems to completely melt into his chair.

[mildly-intrusivethoughts]

We're Still Acting, Right?

Word Count: 1,146

Warnings: Has the tiniest bit of angst. Also… Kissing 🤢

A/N: Really been in the mood for some Actor!Mark. Had to get this idea out before more of ISWM comes out. Honestly, I really like seeing Actor!Mark be a demanding diva. Love me a man that's not afraid to do what he wants. Gender neutral for the besties.

The day had been long. Too long, even for a filming day. The amount of setbacks in this single day of production was enough to almost make you walk out. Probably didn’t help that Mark needed the occasional cosmetic touch up as well as many breaks to rest his “god gifted” voice. “It’ll be fine,” he said, “We’ll get it done.”

 The hours you put in today made filming feel like an absolute nightmare. Scene after scene, you and Mark pushed to put out your best acting for the camera. Maybe it was the late hours, but you strive even harder than normal to make sure you absolutely get it right the first shot. Pouring even more feelings and meaning behind all your movements. Despite all of Mark’s complaining and drained energy, you carried on. The show must go on.

Once more, you and Mark stood on the beautifully designed set. Filming again in the main deck of the Invincible II. The lighting to the set this time is dark, with hues of red and blue. And once more the director set the scene, ”Alright, so at this point we’re near the climax of the storyline. Mark, Y/N, for this scene I want you to go ahead and follow the script but feel free to improvise a bit. Go ahead and add in any extra bits you think will give this scene that extra raw emotion that’ll have the audience shaking and crying. Remember: You’ve gone around in circles. You’re starting to feel hopeless, but you’re still trying to remain strong for each other. Alright? Annnd ACTION.”

The lighting casted a shadow on your face while Mark’s was slightly visible from the consoles emitting a soft light. Letting the lighting set the mood, you then turned dramatically to Mark and brought your hands to your face and yelled in despair.

“I’m tired of this Mark! How many times do we have to keep doing this? Doesn’t it bother you? The amount of times we’ve been running around! The amount of times we’ve had to watch our crew risk their lives! This almost feels futile. Our colonists aren’t even aware of everything going on, about how many times I’ve failed them!” You brought your hands down to your sides, fist closing tightly, speaking slightly above a whisper “I don’t know if I can keep doing this.. The amount of times I’ve had to see you d-...” Your voice faltered, feigning tears, unable to finish your sentence. Before you managed to let the tears trail from your eyes Mark closed the gap between you, strong hands grasping your shoulders. His voice sounded so reassuring, unlike how you know him to normally speak, “Captain, I know. I know this isn’t ideal, but we have to keep trying! Please, we can’t just stop now. Not when our next jump into the wormhole could be the opportunity we’ve been needing!”

Out of your peripheral, you can see the production crew leaning forward in their chair. No one dared to make any kind of noise. We must really be selling this scene. 

Suddenly Mark inched closer to you, hands sliding up to hold your face delicately in his hands. His eyes looked deep into yours, it took all your might not to look away. He was awfully close to you. This was nothing different from the many other times you’ve shared scenes together and by no means was this your first romantic scene, but something about this moment felt different. Maybe it was the late hours but something was off, something had changed. His lips felt like they were only a few centimeters away and you could feel his breath. It warmed your lips and left a tingling sensation. You couldn’t recall your next line. Truth be told you were caught off guard, but the director did say to sell it however you wanted. You almost didn’t even realize he went ahead with his line. “We’ve got to try, Captain. Doesn’t matter how many times it takes, we will fix this or go crazy trying to.” There was a twinkle in his eye, it was gone in a second but you could tell it was something mischievous. “But maybe..just this once Captain.. Let’s try something different.. Let me try something different…” the last word trailed off, as he leaned closer and closer till your lips touched. You quickly reacted, grabbing the front of his jumpsuit pulling him in closer, making the kiss more passionate. His mouth moved effortlessly against yours as he leaned in, deepening the kiss. You opened your mouth to allow him to slip his tongue against yours and just as you were about to sweep your tongue against his- “CUT.”

Mark quickly pulled away, “Are you KIDDING me?! The scene was going so well!” You had briefly forgotten your surroundings. It’s like you were truly living in that moment. The director waved off Mark and shook his head “Look, I love it, I really do, you really are putting in that passion but this isn’t a goddamn romance novel! Remember: Your crews’ DIEING! You admire the Captain but that’s IT! We don’t got a spot in this storyline to add in this sudden romance!”  While Mark and the director argued, you simply stood there in disbelief at what happened. In all your years acting together, he’d never kissed you like that. Damn, he’s never actually kissed you at all. Even as improv. It was all for the camera though, right? 

“Alright! Let’s reset the scene!” 

Your costar grumbled over, taking his place in front of you while mumbling on about how they simply just didn’t see how great his direction would have been. “Hellooo, Y/N? You alright?” You nodded quickly but you just had to ask, “That was all for shows, right?” You didn’t dare let your eyes look up at him. There were always some one liners that you threw at each other, all in which you always told yourself was in a joking tone but you just had to make sure it wasn’t the long hours making you get in your feelings, “We’re still acting, right?” When your eyes finally met he gave an annoyed nod of his head. “Uh, yeah. C’mon focus, Y/N, this is the big leagues. I need you to be with me and give it 110%.” Before you could even make a response back he pulled you in once more, close enough so no one else could hear him and tapped a finger to your chest, “Now here’s the plan: I say we try that again and really go all out. Screw the director, they’re gonna see that I had the right idea all along!” 

“Enough talkin! ACTION'' You were in for a long couple of months if filming was gonna keep like this.. not that you were complaining much.

[mildly-intrusivethoughts]

Just Hurt My Own Feelings

I was rewatching Wilford ‘Motherloving’ Warfstache and I realized Wilford would prolly never love us the way he loved Celine.

“Oh, there’s Celine… my heart still beats for her to this day.”

💀 It’s okay, I’m okay.

[mildly-intrusivethoughts]

Me: About to be violently chased down in the woods by a creature from camp!Mark’s stories-

[mildly-intrusivethoughts]

I don’t like when he’s mean to himself

[mildly-intrusivethoughts]

Listen 💀 I’m not proud of myself but this right here was my favorite clip 😩🥵🫠

[mildly-intrusivethoughts]

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but-

And I just gotta say, this has been personally bugging me for weeks, I wish they had actually shaped the berets! It bugs me that they look so poofy and the insignia is all over the place 😤

This doesn’t ruin the whole series for me but I really don’t like looking at the berets on the crew members and Mark 💀

[maximuswolf]

I can't sleep with this, I feel like I'll be sick. via /r/intrusivethoughts

I can't sleep with this, I feel like I'll be sick.

During last summer, I developed a sense of high anxiety around being in the company of young people/babies that I'd never had prior. This was a result of feeling intense distress over finding out that an ex teacher was a pedophile. I came to realize in March this year through research that this is called POCD, which provided me with a lot of relief.

In the late evening of Monday, 23rd September 2019 after having moved back into university halls of residence for my second year a week prior, I basically watched pornography for around about 2-4 hours intermittently when my depression was as its worst height. I'd already experienced false memories by this point.

Anyway, for that whole afternoon and night, I would go from grinding/humping against the bed (an awkward way of doing it that I developed when I was in my early teens) while watching Porn Hub on my phone, to then sitting up and watching random videos on YouTube.

The second to last video I watched was a video of Kurt Cobain and his 2 year old daughter, that appeared on the homepage after going back from Porn Hub and sitting up in bed again. At this point, I remember thinking that if I were to watch this video, I shouldn't watch another video afterwards, purely ''because this YouTube video had a baby in it'' - even though I knew deep down that the two videos were entirely separated by tabs on my phone, not to mention obviously by content. Nevertheless, I watched the interview video, scrolled through the comments and paused at a specific point then went back to Porn Hub, and only then did I kneel down to grind the duvet again, but with a video loaded.

Finally, I remember sitting up again and going back to the YouTube homepage and the first video shown was a slideshow of Cobain's daughter through the years and I remember feeling so much guilt for having watched the prior porn. The reason for this is that - as best as I can describe - seeing her (as a baby, the pinnacle of innocence) exemplified the essential humanity that we all have, including the adult performers. As a result, I felt heavy guilt (that I now realize to be misplaced) for being what I considered to be ''anti-feminist'', and an ''evil person''.

Perhaps I overthink the morality of things, I don't know.

My brain at the time immediately started to go into overload and overlap what would otherwise be two separate actions of watching YouTube then lewd stuff. I remember going to the sink afterwards, and dry-vomiting.

With regards to the actual first-person recollection of possibly staring at the Cobain video, I have no explicit sensory memory of this. The 'image' in my head is grainy at best. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself were this the opposite.

After leaving the bathroom and panicking a lot, I walked through it step-by-step, and eventually felt comfortable enough that I hadn’t done anything wrong and so I left it. This, as a general worry didn't reappear again till May 2020, with the rest of 2019 being spent going from day-to-day worries and false memories. I even felt happy and content on New Year's Day this year.

Surely, if I'd done this horrible thing, I wouldn't have been able to feel anything happy ever again?

At first, I wondered if I did do it, and I just repressed it, or I didn’t and actually it’s just my overactive imagination mixed with my anxiety. I know that in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong, as I had listened to Nirvana plenty of times afterwards, and didn’t feel pangs of guilt or shame that I know I would’ve if I’d done anything wrong.

Things have gotten better mildly. My first appointment with an OCD therapist is soon. I'm currently on the fourth day of taking a beta-blocker to regulate my heart-rate and blood pressure that helps ward off the panic attacks I have about it. I'm trying to sleep better, but sometimes the image creeps in too much. I'm due to get a new set of the anti-depressant mirtazipine soon, too.

But even with that, it all feels like too much right now and I'm more suicidal than ever about this. I don't want to die over an image in my head, but is this a belated guilty conscience? I feel sick and can't think or sleep. I have moments of 'you know you're being silly, start living again', but then it hits my head over and and I end up in bed depressed for another week.

I worry that I might, out of a morbid curiosity, have done it. I remember faintly thinking how awful it would be to do it, and then - as far as I know - not doing it.

Submitted September 05, 2020 at 01:00AM by Initiative-Visual via reddit https://ift.tt/2DwOie1