#mikes chart is funny because of how much of a fucked up little man he is and his chart reflect that perfectly

[treehouse-of-horror]

peter having malefic placements in his 7H and 10H is so cruel like i cannot even begin to describe how heartbreaking that is. and of course even the malefic placements have their benefits dont get it wrong but BOY do they manifest in the worst way for him.

[plaguetheterrible]

I understand that the part of the FNAF fandom that I'm writing for right now is pretty fucking old compared to everything else I'm writing for but I just wanna write for these guys ok? I love them so much-

Anyway what I was actually going to write-

Also their personalities are based on how they act in five nights at flirting and how they act in ask the FNAF crew, so I'm going off of two different sources ok? So just bear with me here-

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FNAF Night guards with short but feisty s/o! (This kind of Turned into general stuff too so-)

Hight chart that I'm using (you're 5'0 in this) :

Mike schmit

He’d definitely tease you for your height, but not as much as vincent would.

He teases you because he finds your reaction funny.

Nicknames like shorty, short stack, shorty cake, basically anything to remind you of how short you are so he can see you get all worked up over it, but he does know when enough is enough.

He also gives you cute nicknames, for example, ‘doll face’.

Definitely would love being the big spoon when cuddling .

Whenever you are near pirate cove he gets nervous because of what happened in 87.

Does that thing where he puts arm on your head and leans on it and because he's 6’0 he nearly makes you fall down because of how short you are and you try to bring him with you.

When there is something in a shelf that you can't reach he’d either help you get it by taking it and giving it to you like a normal person, or pick you up high enough to reach it yourself like a freaking weirdo XD.

Even if you're a lot shorter than him he'd still want to lay on you sometimes when cuddling. I really don't know why I can see him doing this, but if you’ve got boobs he's not going to put his face in them, instead he's going to nuzzle his face in your neck. (he probably would if you talk him into it but he’ll be blushing like crazy).

He makes jokes and puns about your shortness.

Jeremy fitzgerald

He's so precious omg- he kinda likes the fact that Y/N is shorter than him, because when he hugs them he kinda feels like maybe he could protect them.

He still has to be the little spoon sometimes to, he also needs to feel protected.

He doesn't tease, all the nicknames and all the gestures from this man gives Y\N is to show them how much he loves them, and to be honest i don't think Y\N would be able to really get mad at him because he never gives them a reason to be.

He loves hugs but kisses can be a bit much if they are unexpected.

If you love anime like he does you two watch a lot of it on his days off, also please cosplay as sailor moon for he he would love that-

Just cosplay with him, please-

Don't be mean to him, he's dealt with enough of that in his life just be nice to him he deserves it.

If he ever tries to talk to you he doesn't need any comments all he wants is for you to listen and hug him. All he needs is for someone to listen.

Scott (phone guy)

This man, no matter who you are, he is going to be protective of you around an animatronic because of 'the accident'.

He hates Vincent, please don't be friends with him Scott will hate it.

He flips off Vincent regularly even if you are friends with him.

He may be selfconsions but he will still be kinda sassy.

He may or may not give a backhanded compliment here and there because that's just his sense of humor, but that doesn't mean he won't give you compliments that are sweet enough to give you cavities.

He loves the fact that you are so much shorter than him, he loves the feeling of being able to hold your tiny frame ❤️.

He also loves it when you're feisty, he just finds it funny watching you get so worked up over small things.

He's called you a Chihuahua before and you can't tell me otherwise. And it is also one of the few nicknames he has for you so you'll have to get used to it I guess.

Fritz smith(I'm just going to apologize in advance because I really don't know his personality that well)

This man is asexual and protective.

His nicknames for you will be stuff like 'pop rock'. That is the main nickname he uses for you but they will be anything that has to do with food.

He loves cuddling with you, even if he's not the big spoon he loves it (Fritz anytime you two cuddle: 🥰💕💖❤️) He also likes kissing you, but he prefers cuddles.

You can't tell me that hugging this man wouldn't be like hugging a human sized marshmallow-

This man can cook amazingly. Anything you want to eat he's going to want to make for you because he really enjoys cooking.

He actually doesn't like that you can get so worked up over small things but he will talorates it or make fun of the fact with the nickname he gives you.

He would HATE IT if you ever steal his glasses, please don't do it he can't see worth two shits without them.

He just adores you ok? The time I'm making this take place, guys with his body type didn't really get much attention, and if you both are guys then most people wouldn't take too kindly to you two if they knew, sadly… (I'm talking about the 80s-90s. The amount of homophobia is the only thing I hate about those times)

Vincent (purple guy)

He will flirt with you nonstop and has definitely tried (and depending on what type of person you are probably has seceded) to seduce you to do the deed on work hours.

He loves that you're feisty, he thinks it just makes you even cuter and more irresistible.

He'd definitely call you nicknames like 'little dove', 'fragile flower' and 'little bunny'.

He's a bit of a pervert but obviously when you two get together he ends up focusing all that on you and (finally) leaves Scott alone. Scott is very thankful you came along.

(This is optional) You and Scott actually become good friends, and surprisingly, it's not only because you got Vincent to leave him alone!

If you're asexual, he'll stop it with the sexual flirting, but he will still flirt with you. Listen Hun, he's never going to stop flirting with you. That's just one of the many conditions of dating him!

This man does weird shit, like for example, he will buy a new touster 3:00 in the morning if his old one breaks (and might I add he forces you to go with him) but one of the only things he does that's normal is get stuff off the high shelf's for you.

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Oh my stars this took a ridiculously long time to write I'm so sorry about that- but I gotta admit I love the way this turned out!

August 7th 2022 edit: no typos because this was around the time that I started writing my stuff in Google docs, but I worded so many things weirdly- I also fixed some punctuation but that's all.

[liam-93-productions]

Nearly five years ago, I saw One Direction live. Twice, on consecutive nights – on the first two dates of their On the Road Again world tour. Once was for work, to review the show. The other was for the sheer, heady, sugar-rush pleasure.

I was, I’ll admit, a little on the old side for a Directioner, even then. Most of the 45,000-odd crowd was much younger – not that that you would necessarily be able to tell from the saucy suggestions on their homemade signs. “I don’t want to draw attention to them,” Liam Payne had said fussilyon stage.

It was an on-brand comment for the then-21-year-old Payne, who, had the harried, slightly anxious energy of a father-of-four at Disneyland. And no wonder: it was clear, even to me, that Zayn Malik had checked out, barely bothering to conceal his rolling eyes. He would be gone within the month, marking the beginning of the end (or “indefinite hiatus”) for the biggest boy band in the world.

“It was a point where every day, you didn’t know whether it was going to be the end,” says Payne, sitting in the offices of his PR company in central London. “It was so touch and go, at every single show. I was slowly losing the plot.”

Now 26 and almost totally tattooed, Payne has a new album on which he raps about getting rowdy on Bacardi and being “free” from 1D. At the same time his very-nearly-naked form is plastered on buses and train stations in a provocative ad campaign for Hugo Boss.

Yet Payne is as polite and agreeable as if he were talking to his best friend’s mother. He is tired he says after an energetic early morning music video shoot. “There was a trampoline involved,” he says, sucking on his silver Juul. “It was hell – but it will look great.”

Gym beast and sex symbol are relatively new tags. His role as the diplomat of the group was established from the time they were first assembled from five solo applicants on The X Factor in 2010.

Payne auditioned when he was just 14, but was told by Simon Cowell to “come back in two years”. He did – and, eyes serious beneath his enormous fringe, blew the judges away with a brassy rendition of Cry Me a River.

Growing up in Wolverhampton, he had been a talented cross-country runner – making the reserve list for the British Olympics team. But a fan of Usher, Justin Timberlake and Chris Brown, he was drawn to singing as “the thing that made my parents proudest”. His backup plan, had he not got through on X Factor, was to follow his father into an aircraft fitting factory.

Once grouped in One Direction it took the five boys, then between 16 and 19, to pull together. “At the start we couldn’t get past our own egos,” says Payne. There would be fights over who got to sing what part, and even personal style. “Everybody had their own little thing – it was like having four older brothers.”

Payne went on to write songs for the group, contributing to two-thirds of their 2014 album Four (arguably their best) and even earning a production credit on 2015’s Made in the AM. But in the early days he would be the one to sing the opening part because, he was told at the time, he “used to settle everybody”.

Payne says he was a more experienced performer than the other boys, and a “bit more mature” – which he puts down to spending more time with his dad than his peers, and being so focused on a career in showbusiness. “I’d lived a different lifestyle from 14 to 16. Most kids try alcohol and experiment – I never did any of that because I thought there’s a chance that I might make it.”

Management took advantage of this, he says, telling him his “very specific role” in the group was to keep the rest in line. “I was like, that’s great, innit – because then everyone in the band thinks I’m a dick.” He remembers one of the band’s first hotel stays. “We’ve got plates being thrown out the window, mattresses being ridden down the stairs, and I’m getting calls from the manager saying: ‘You need to sort it out’.”

It wasn’t lost on the fans. Where Malik and Styles were the heartthrobs, Payne says he was classed as Mr Boring. “When you’re at the stadium, and if you get the least screams, it’s like: ‘For fuck’s sake.’”

After a year playing 1D-Dad he gave up and learned to have fun. “If you can’t beat them, join them” – at which point, he notes wryly, the band’s public image became more cheeky and carefree. “And the more fun we had, the more successful it got.”

He recalls performing to sold-out stadiums night after night, seeing “hundreds” of iPhones being thrown onstage in the vain hopes of their being returned with a selfie. “It’s like the kids just lost their minds.”

“There were parts of it that were a bit shit, like there is with anything,” he says, “and there were parts of it that was just euphoria.”

He recalls seeing 15,000 fans camped outside his hotel room in Lima, Peru. Security had advised them to stay inside all day, and because “they were the adults, we thought they were in charge. Then over time we started to figure out that they weren’t, and that’s when we used to run off.”

Yet the adrenaline peaks of performing, followed by long troughs of tedium, were akin to a drug addiction, says Payne. He turned to alcohol. “Doing a show to however many thousands of people, then being stuck by yourself in a country where you can’t go out anywhere – what else are you going to do? The minibar is always there. ”

For a time, he was also taking an epilepsy drug as a mood stabiliser that he says affected his cognitive functioning under certain lights. Payne says he had been well advised to take it, to counter the “erratic highs and lows” he was experiencing – “I just needed a little bit of help to keep me stable” – “but under certain lights on stage or during interviews, I wouldn’t be able to tell them my name”.

The day we meet, Payne has made headlines for telling Ant Middleton on the pair’s Sky One show that the loneliness of fame had “almost nearly killed” him. When Middleton asked Payne if he had ever wanted to act on those feelings, Payne said that he had: “100%”.

He is not inclined to discuss this today, “because it’s a bit dark,” he says, a touch brusquely – “but yeah, it was very touch and go at times”. This was both in 1D and afterwards, he clarifies. As One Direction got bigger and bigger, he says, “I was like: ‘I don’t really know how to deal with this’. Once you start, you can’t really press the stop button.”

The “indefinite hiatus” button, though, was easier – in mid-2015, four months after Malik’s departure, the band made the decision together. “It was a little bit dark and twisted towards the end of it,” says Payne, “but the last few shows were really beautiful moments because the pressure cooker had been let off.

“It was almost like counting down to holiday – we were going to wake up that Monday morning with no schedule.” Afterwards Payne was in therapy for two years, and took six months off. “It was difficult at the start, because I didn’t really know anything about myself. It was a bit of a numb feeling.”

(...)

That schedule is about to get busier, with Payne’s debut album as a solo artist finally out this Friday. Laden with chart-friendly trop house, trap and Latin pop influences, LP 1 plays like a water cannon aimed at commercial radio – there is even a Christmas song.

It has been a long lead-up: the first single, Strip That Down, was released nearly two years ago and established Payne as the 1D member most influenced by contemporary hip-hop – perhaps too much so. A picture he posted to Instagram of himself in February 2018 wearing a chain necklace, flipping the bird and bragging about travelling by private jet was quietly deleted following ridicule.

Amid the success of Strip That Down, which was streamed over 1bn times, Payne was also still “struggling” with alcohol: “I just hid it very well.” He went on to spend an entire year sober – a necessary if boring step. “My social life completely plummeted. I always feel like you never get past the awkward first 10 minutes at a party, when everyone’s like: ‘Do we get up and dance, or do we just sit here?’ I don’t know whether it made me happier, but it was definitely needed.”

His more recent stint of self-discipline was to prepare for his nude photo shoot with model Stella Maxwell for Hugo Boss. In the lead-up, he was in the gym between “five and eight times a week, sometimes twice a day” and eating mostly chicken and vegetables – with no carbohydrates after 2pm and nothing at all after 8pm. For the last “stripping” phase, he ate nothing but porridge and white fish for a month. “It was horrible – but it definitely works.”

The shoot had been his idea, inspired by campaigns featuring David Beckham and Mark Wahlberg – Payne’s role models, whose cross-disciplinary celebrity shapes his own career goals. Last year he auditioned in front of Steven Spielberg for a part in next year’s West Side Story remake, and has been submitting audition tapes irregularly since. “It’s just trying to manage the time in between (...), singer, model and whatever.”

Between the trap beats, tighty-whities and tattoos is he attempting to put across a new, more grown-up image? “Oh yeah, definitely.”

In One Direction, he was “Mr Vanilla – no one wanted to know a thing”. Then, with the “chain and rapper phase … I didn’t really know what I was aiming for, but it was actually exactly where we are right now. I just needed to find the right keys to make me feel like the man I wanted to be.”

Which is, he jokes, is “like a really English Magic Mike”. Do you like being objectified, I ask? “I think it’s quite funny,” says Payne, clearly delighted. The other day, he says, someone sent him a picture of an old lady walking past an enormous blown-up poster of him in his pants. Not bad for Mr Vanilla, I say. “Exactly.”

Liam Payne’s debut album LP1 is out on Friday 6 December

[fandomoblivion]

Ella Enchanted (part one)

Fandom: Stranger Things season 3

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Reader

Summary: (Y/N), also known as Nine, was a girl being experimented on all her life by the Hawkins Lab, conditioned into following every command her brain heard. She managed to escape the lab, with the help of her little sister Eleven, and was taken in by Hopper. Now, it’s a year later, and the three of them are a happy family. She just got her first job, where she works alongside Steve “The Hair” Harrington… who her father doesn’t much like.

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 1,570

Notes: Part one! Here we gooo!

prologue

“Bye Hopper!” You called, giving the old grump sitting in his Lazy Boy a kiss on the top of his head. 

“Bye, Kid. Be safe.”

“You know I always am. And please, don’t spy on them all day.” You said, referring to El and Mike, alone in the bedroom the two of you shared.

“Eh. No guarantees. Have a good first day.”

“Thanks.” And, with that, you were out of the house. You didn’t know how to drive yet, so you had to leave extra early to be able to walk all the way to the Starcourt Mall, where you’d be on your feet for a couple more hours, before walking home again.

This was your first day at the ice cream place, and you were psyched to say the least. Your uniform was in your bag so you could change there--no way in hell you were walking over wearing it, listening to your Walkman and excited beyond words to start being a normal teenager.

When you got to Scoops Ahoy, you walked up to the girl who had previously met when your boss interviewed you. Her name was Robin, and she greeted you with a kind smile. 

“Hey (Y/N)! First day, right?” You just nodded, still not super comfortable with human interactions yet… even though you were about to work in customer service. “Well, I should introduce you to our shift partner, Lord Himbo himself, Mr. Steve Harrington.”

The shudders behind her opened, revealing a guy with very… tall hair. He had on a wide smile, which dropped when he saw your face. He replaced it quickly, though, and Robin didn’t even seem to notice. You for sure did, though. 

“Hi there. Steve Harrington.” 

“I’m (Y/N).” You said quietly. You held up your bag with the uniform in it and asked, “Is there a…” 

“Yeah, there are bathrooms in the back,” Robin replied. You thanked her, went, and got changed. 

And your shift had begun. Honestly, it was pretty easy. Robin and Steve worked like a well-oiled machine, you could pretty much sit back, watch, and take notes in your mind. 

When your shift was almost over, you and Robin were at the counter together, making awkward small talk, when a boy with dark hair came up and rang the bell repeatedly, continuing after you had acknowledged his presence. He looked familiar, you just couldn’t place the face.

Robin sighed. “Hey, Dingus! Your children are here!”

Steve opened the back window. “Again? Seriously?” The boy said nothing, and just hit the bell again. “Alright, come on. Don’t let people see you.” Steve said, ushering them into the back. 

“Hey! Mike!” You said cheerfully, smiling at him. He just looked at you and gave an awkward smile.

“Steve sometimes likes to use his privileges here to help his friends that are like eighth graders for some reason.” 

“Yeah… that’s my little sister’s boyfriend.”

And things were back to normal, until the lights flickered and went out a few minutes later. You jumped slightly, remembering all the times lights flickering were associated with otherworldly things. You had to remind yourself now, that these lights were just lights. 

“That’s weird.” Steve mumbled. He went and flicked the light switch, but nothing happened. 

Robin crossed her arms. “That isn’t gonna work, Dingus.” 

“Oh really?” Steve asked, before flicking the light as fast as he could. 

“I don’t think they’re turning back on.” You whispered, hugging your arms to yourself.

Steve groaned and put his hands on his hips, assessing the situation. “Alright. You guys can go home, if you want. Shifts are almost over, I can cover until we close.” 

“Hey, thanks, doof.” Robin said. You nodded in agreement and went into the bathroom to change with Robin. “So, how was your first day?” 

“Good.”

“You’re not much of a talker, are you?”

You shrugged. “I talk when I want.” 

“Do you want a ride home? If all the lights are out, it’s gonna be a difficult walk.”

You shook your head. “That’s alright.” 

Robin laughed. “Nah, come on. Let me give you a ride home.” 

Your brain went fuzzy, as it did whenever you heard a command. You couldn’t think or do anything, and you heard the words “Okay, thank you,” come out of your mouth. 

When you two finished changing, you bid Steve farewell, and Robin drove you home. It was a nice drive. She mostly talked about the mall: what to expect from the job, how to read different customers, the works. When she dropped you off, she made a joke about you living in the middle of nowhere. You did your best to laugh.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“Don’t mention it.” Okay, you wouldn’t. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

---

The next day was the same. You walked to work, changed, and tried your best to help out. Steve tried flirting with different customers, but the uniform, along with the cocky personality, set him back far too much.

Just as another pretty girl walked away, giggling to her friend, Robin opened the back window and slid a whiteboard into view. You walked over from the corner to see what it said. It was a T-chart, with “YOU RULE” with an empty column under it, and “YOU SUCK” with five tally marks.

“And another one bites the dust,” Robin said, drawing another tally mark. Steve just scoffed. “You are oh-for-six, Popeye.”

“Yeah, yeah, I can count.” Steve retaliated.

“You know that means you suck.” You said, laughing.

Steve glared at you. Robin laughed. “Exactly!”

“Yeah, I can read too!” He huffed.

Robin put the whiteboard away. “Since when?” 

“It’s this stupid hat. I’m telling you, it’s totally blowing my best feature.” 

You paused. “Which is…?”

“My hair!”

“Yeah, company policy is a real drag.” Robin said, leaning through the window. You moved to stand next to Steve, so you were all around the window. How cute. “You know, it’s a crazy idea, but have you considered telling the truth?”

“Oh, you mean that I couldn’t even get into Tech and my douchebag dad’s trying to teach me a lesson, I make three bucks an hour, and I have no future? Hm? That truth?

“People don’t always like the truth.” You said, knowing from your stupid curse.

“Ah, shut up.” Steve groaned. Damn it. You hated it when people said that, because you couldn’t talk until they left, or until you were told another command. El used this tactic whenever the two of you would fight, since she couldn’t really leave, you couldn’t talk. 

“Hey, twelve o’clock.” Robin said, pointing behind the two of you. You looked behind you, at the cash register, and a group of pretty girls were walking up. 

“Oh shit. Oh shit. Okay, uh… I’m going in. And you know what?” Steve took off his hat and threw it at Robin. “Screw company policy.”

“My god, you’re a whole new man.” Robin said sarcastically. You quickly went and joined Robin in the back, watching Steve with her. 

“Ahoy ladies!” Steve yelled, making the girl in front yelp. “Didn’t see you there! Would you guys like to set sail on this ocean of flavor with me? I’ll be your captain. I’m Steve Harrington.” The girls laughed nervously. You and Robin just watched in awe. “Can I get you guys a little taste of the Cherries Jubilee? No? Anybody? Banana Boat? Four people, four spoons? Share it in the booth? Anybody? It’s hot out there!”

Robin rolled her eyes and added a seventh tally to the board. 

The girls just laughed and walked away. Steve groaned, running his hands over his face. “Damn it!” He said, joining the two of you in the back. “What’s wrong with me?” He asked, looking at you.

Robin laughed. “Yeah, (Y/N), tell him what’s wrong with him.” 

Your brain went fuzzy and you heard yourself say, “You hold yourself to a standard you can’t meet.” 

Steve looked surprised and Robin snickered. “Shit, too real.” Her head perked up when she heard the bell being rung by a customer. “Be right back, guys.” She left the two of you back there, alone for the first time.

“Sorry.” You said.

“Nah, nah. I did ask. I’m just… Where do I know you from? Did you go to Hawkins High?” You shook your head. “Do you have a sibling at the middle school? I might have seen you.”

“No. Do you?”

“Well, no, but I have a friend who goes there. I don’t know, maybe I might have seen you while dropping him off.”

“My little sister’s dating Mike Wheeler.” You said, remembering that Steve took Mike into the back room the previous day.

“Mike’s girlfriend… El. Wait, El?! Your sister is Eleven?!” You nodded. “That’d make you one of the-”

Robin opened the window. “Hey, dingus, there’s a girl here who you might have a shot with.” You looked up and saw a girl walking in. Oh, you understood the joke. She’s in middle school.

“Ha ha. Very funny.” Steve said, rolling his eyes. Robin shrugged and closed the window. There was a long pause. “Are you?” He asked quietly. You held out your wrist reluctantly. “009.” Steve read to himself. “Fuck. You got out?” You nodded. He let out a breathy laugh. “Shit. Well then,” he said, drawing up two chairs to the little table back there. “Tell me your story.”

Fuzzy mind.

---

TAGLIST

@alina-margaret . @almostsecretmusic . @american-duchess . @anamcg317 . @annaewww . @blackandwhiteimagines . @bubblegumcat229 . @bucky-newtlock . @canny1902 .  @christinawxxx . @cosmickha0s . @creativedogs . @darkcrystal-wolf . @decaffeinatedtachycardia . @djisprobablydead . @eyeballtoes . @fandomsstolemylife00 . @fredweasleysupportgroup . @ggclarissa . @ginger-swag-rapunzel . @gracelynns . @grippleback-galaxy . @gruffle1 . @hananabee . @harrys-kiwi . @heavenlyholland . @hellhoundschewtoy . @in-my-dreams-2000 . @lilyhw1 . @mackycat11 . @megsell99 . @metuel18 . @morganmindflayer . @phluffyphantom . @potterhead-witch . @pppsssyyyccchhhiiiccc . @princessrow12 . @queen1054 . @rainbowmarta . @sheridans-dynamos . @thecaptainsgingersnap . @thegloryofliterature . @thoughstofaredhead . @ucantknowmeyet . @whataloadofmalarkey

[kwrittink]

Stitches

Pairing: F!Reader x PlasticSurgeon!Seokjin

Genre: Smut/Fluff

Warnings: Foul language, mentions of medical procedures, mentions of broken bones, mentions of injuries, mentions of life-threatening injuries, explicit scenes of intercourse, unprotected intercourse

a/n: please excuse my lack of knowledge about the procedures made and/or ethics of a hospital, this whole oneshot (and the ones forthcoming) is inspired by tv medical series and can be completely inaccurate for my lack of experience with the terms. i deeply apologize for any misconceptions and hope that either way you all enjoy the story! 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The man had a way with women, they had said. He was nice and charming, a real gentleman were the exact words used to describe him. 

"S- Stop poking me! This is useless, I'm fine, even a baby can see that!" The man on top of the hospital bed was everything but meeting the expectations. As he struggled, groaning and grunting like a little child, you pondered if you should ask for Peds, but since you were the only free resident for the next couple of hours before Dr. Dimples - well, one had to make a way to differentiate between the three Dr. Kim present on the hospital - got into surgery and you were paged to assist, you were on call for that one. It was your duty, even if your head was killing you. 

"Mr. Kim, please stop moving around so much, I've got to clean your wounds and-" a young nurse was in distress, trying to clean the cuts and bruises of what it looked like to be the most famous man in the whole hospital, the star of plastic surgeries, Dr. Kim Seokjin - or how they called him, Dr. Handsome. 

"If you're going to doing a lazy job then let go! I've got patients waiting for me, damn it!" Another two other nurses had to literally hold him down to avoid the man from getting up and leaving the bed practically naked, and you would have laughed was it any other day, but it was being a shitty morning for both of you, apparently. 

"Alright... Good morning, I am Dr. Y/L/N and I'll be looking into your case, would you mind if I take a look at y-"

"Tell them to stop trying to help - trying being keyword - and let me go do my job! I got a thousand surgeries scheduled for today and I can't be wasting my time sitting in a bed while in perfect health!" You winced at his loud tone, not understanding why he was in such a rush to leave without letting you do at least the basics. It was a teaching hospital, wouldn't hurt him to just lay down and let you listen to his heart and call it a day-

"Hm Dr. Kim I'm afraid I won't be able to let you do that," With a friend you were handed the tablet that contained his charts and info, the first thing in the screen was an x-ray, fifth and sixth rib from the right side broken and the third from the left side craked, nothing very serious but it could hurt like a bitch. It should hurt like a bitch and still, that man was just there struggling to get up and go to work, screaming at everyone. 

...

Screaming because it hurt like a major bitch but he didn't want to be seen in pain like that. The memories of your father getting angry at the wind when he got hurt while working popped in your mind immediately, and you signed heavily, trying to maintain your composure while explaining the situation and what could succeed to the matter if left untreated to the man who demanded an explanation to not being able to leave the hospital he partially owned. 

"And I am telling you as an attending that I am completely fine to work today, so I'm ordering you to please release me!" The pleading in the middle of an order could be really funny, but your state was only getting worse and you were about to cry for the sole pain thumping inside your skull, the loud shouting inside the tiny room making you snap.

"Oh, my g- With all due respect Dr. Kim but will you just shut the fuck up? It's broken ribs, not an amputated hand!" You yelled back before you could stop yourself, walking towards Dr. Kim to show him the notes from the chief of surgery, that had sent further instructions. "All your procedures were postponed without an issue, so I'm sure every patient needing the touch of god can wait till you can stand on your feet." You finished with a heave, under the heavy gaze of the head nurse, that could be very grateful you were able to distract the nagging man enough for them to take better care of him while he was stunned, but also much baffled by your use of words and would probably inform your designed resident that you had indecorous behavior towards not only a patient and an attending doctor, but also a member of the Board. 

Your head and your career, just because of a damn migraine. Just like that. 

You felt light-headed.

"Well, finally someone to snap some sense in this thick head of yours," The humored voice of the Trauma attending made your whole body tense, not hoping someone from the higher-ups would know about this misbehavior so soon. And most of all, Dr. Min...

"Yoongi, I should have figured. This is one of yours right?" The man that was once staring holes into your skull spoke, tone even and a grin on his bruised lip. 

"No actually miss - it's Y/L/N, right? - is under Namjoon's wing, but after this, I might even consider stealing her for myself... We're in dire need of someone with this kind of attitude," He scoffed, hands in his pockets as he turned to you. Straightening up you tried to mumble something, anything or an apology, but was stopped by a single shake of Dr. Min's head. "Don't worry, you're not in that much trouble for this. Your attending will have to be noticed though so meanwhile, I think you should go take something for that migraine of yours."

Your eyes widened at his words, wondering how he had figured out, mouth mumbling before you could stop yourself. "How could you-" 

"Either I'm psychic or just that good. Take your pick." Yoongi cut you, a nonchalant shrug in dismissal as he turned around to talk to the injured doctor. Mouth hanging open, you only started moving once the nurse gave you a pointed look, quietly telling you to follow her and get your medicine already. Breathing in deeply, you skedaddled behind her quickly, not wanting to get into any more trouble than you already had. Your attending would probably talk your ear off for this already.

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You felt so lucky to have Dr. Kim Namjoon as your attending for that week. Sighing as you got out of the meeting room where he had asked for a word - in a very serious tone, that had every hair in your body standing on point -, ducking your head to not meet anyone's eyes in your way, knowing your face wasn't the one of someone that spent two hours being lectured by the tall and apparently intimidating Neurosurgeon, rather someone that was staring at his dimples while he laughed at the story as you told the whole ordeal. 

Of course, you had been punished for your attitudes, being put at service to take care of Dr. Seokjin till he was back on his feet, doing everything so he was comfortable which also meant personal favors and stuff. I'm basically his private nurse. When Namjoon had put it like that when discussing your punishment it didn't even cross your mind, but now all you could think about was that you'd be close and personal with one of the owners of that hospital. 

It doesn't matter Y/N, you're a doctor, you told yourself while biting your lower lip as you made your way to the Plastic's surgeon room, being effectively assigned by Namjoon. Besides, he probably doesn't even like you that much right now, you did yell at his face, you sighed, not knowing if that was meant to be a comfort or not. 

And for the second time that day, you'd been wrong. 

Dr. Kim Seokjin was nothing but the man that was placed in a bed shouting at everybody and pain-crazed, no. He was very amiable, wouldn't accept your apology before you accepted his and asked very little of you - at least for that first afternoon - before sending you off to take care of yourself, addressing the migraine that had subsided greatly with the medicine the nurse had given you early morning. You even considered buying a lottery ticket that day. 

The days that followed were also very pain-free, the interns that were already specializing on Dr. Jin's - as they called him - area coming frequently to ask for his opinion on some cases, sneak snacks or just blatantly flirt with him made your job quite easy, even getting to share the food that arrived. He was an ace at his craft, that was so, so much more than boob jobs and fillers, you quickly realized. Dr. Kim Seokjin was a researcher, always striving to perfect his techniques and looking for ways to heal people in an almost seamless way. 

"Since you're technically under my orders, why don't you go check this patient for me? I really need someone to describe the state of that skin graft and-" 

"Technically I'm still under Dr. Namjoon's orders, but I can ask a friend to check for them and they'll give you the info in no time," you explained, whipping out your phone and quickly typing at said friend about the case of the patient that had made a skin transplant for some old burn scars, made with umbilical stem cells - practically routine procedure, his work high ranked everywhere. Seokjin snickered in amusement, and you looked up at him questioningly. "What?"

"I know that you don't want to upset the dimpled puppy - believe me I don't like to either - but this way you're going to fall back in the program," he explained and you shook your head, sitting on the side of his bed, turning your phone to him, where he could clearly see another patient's room, and looking up at you he noticed the wireless earphone in your ear. Still, Seokjin looked confused, making you chuckle. 

"Another friend of mine - he owns me some favors - video calls me every time there's an interesting case, so I get to learn stuff even if I'm not on rounds. My mike's off but I can hear and see whatever is happening in the room." You smiled smugly as you explained, proud of your own brain. Okay, it hadn't been exactly your idea, but the thing is that you were still observing some cases, even if you couldn't participate and/or observe surgeries. 

"That's very... Resourceful, I must admit. Still, I think I should talk with Dr. Joon about you, it's not fair to sabotage your learning process like that-" 

You touched his arm, halting his little rant. "No, please don't do that. I've also learned a lot with you here while helping to nurse you." You explained, unable to contain a smile while you realized the way Seokjin had referred to his colleague. The man's mouth parted, seeming to be a little surprised at your admission.

"You've been reviewing cases with me this whole time, huh?" His eyes glanced at the pile of papers on his lap, a small grin curling a corner of his lips. "Well, that's really clever of you, Dr. Y/L/N. Reminds me of myself, in the old days."

Your chest swelled at his tone, just like when your father used to call you that before he passed. You tried to not give much thought to that, the grief still prompting tears very often. "You say it like it was such a long time ago Dr. Kim," you quipped back with a chuckle, drawing another snicker from his lips. 

"It sure feels sometimes." He commented absentmindedly, eyes back into the papers, something catching his attention. "Well suit yourself then, since you're here to study and not just stare at my handsome face. Not that I'd complain if that's the case." A sigh passed his lips and you rolled your eyes at the remark, as you stretched over him to reach for his glasses, his eyes squinting a little and causing creases, a really bad habit for someone that preached about collagen as a holy grail. 

"When I need a break I will, don't worry." You said while handing him the tool you knew to have lost him when you had to place the thin and old-fashioned frame of his glasses on top of his nose, a small hum in appreciation, eyes relaxing to their normal size. You were close to his face and took a second to observe his features more closely since he did say you were allowed to and weren't even paying much attention, the material in front of him more interesting than anything else. 

"Will what?" He muttered a second later as if just realizing you've said something. As your eyes met, you smiled. 

"Look at your handsome face, doctor." You quipped, head tilting to the side with an innocent air, and you saw him blink hard once, just as when he's nervous - or hungry. Then - and there was a lot of reactions you were expecting from him, but not that one - a snort passed his lips, the most unflattering snort echoed through the room, and as you leaned back to giggle, noticed the redness of his neck up, not quite reaching his face and cheeks but rather blushing till the very tip of his ears. 

And that's when you realized that Dr. Kim Seokjin was handsome - and knew that - but couldn't in any way get compliments without getting embarrassed. 

You were sure to use that knowledge for your own amusement.

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In the span of two weeks though, you've caught yourself staring and studying his face too many times already. Mostly when you were sure he was looking, just to embarrass him, but losing track of your tease and just admiring the natural features of his face, honest to god confused about how someone could have such complexion without never facing a scalpel before. Well, maybe you were exaggerating, but the man was surely handsome and lived for the nickname. Not only his face though, you've been quite interested in his shoulder-waist ratio, the wide expanse of his back - skin always so soft to the touch when you asked to listen to his lungs and heart - enough to fit both Rose and Jack, you'd bet. It was a miracle Seokjin hadn't tipped to either side yet, his waist being so slim in comparison. You envied that feature. 

Didn't mean he was tiny under the belt though - well, you weren't sure about that specific thing -, as you noticed one day that his thighs were nothing to joke about. Okay, he wasn't like the Ortho God Dr. Jimin - strong dancer thighs - or Dr. Jeon that could seriously kill someone with his or Dr. Namjoon's biker ones or Dr. Taehyung's I've-worked-on-a-farm thighs but they surely were lean and strong, and if you could choose, you'd pick Dr. Jin's in a heartbeat. And why was that?

Because you're absolutely whipped for him, Y/N. Your mind snapped you from your daydream, the phone in your lap almost falling as you shook your head to get rid of the thoughts. That couldn't be the case, right? You just had a professional admiration for the man, he was an attending and your teacher and an amazing surgeon for crying out loud. You couldn't have fee-

"Y/N, can you come here a minute? I need your opinion on something," Seokjin's voice made you snap your head up at him, eyes huge as if you were caught doing something wrong. Which actually was accurate, if falling for one's teacher fit the concept. 

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Something felt wrong that morning. But in your little infatuation, you weren't really paying attention. 

"Hey, good to see you Dr. Y/L/N- Or should I say nurse Y/L/N?" Seokjin asked as you entered the room early in the morning with his food and a bag of extra snacks sent by his interns. Apparently, Dr. Jung started to confiscate the goodies for Dr. Jin and lectured the interns about the hospital's policies and how wrong was it to benefit one single patient - what Seokjin currently was until he got the clearance. After that, you were practically forced to take the snacks outside the hospital and make huge detours to get to Seokjin's room and avoid getting caught by the sometimes scary Cardiosurgeon. It was exhausting. 

"Yes, very funny Dr. Jin, I'm even getting wrinkles," you quipped back at him, making Seokjin chuckle at your wit as you put the bags hidden beside his bed, not missing the quirk of his eyebrow as you stole a candy bar from the stash. "What, you're not even going to eat all of those," you pointed out, ripping the packaging and giving the treat a bite. The man only rolled his eyes at you, making some space by his legs for you to sit, getting back to his work and you focusing on the phone, getting ready for rounds. It had become like that, a sort of friendship that seemed sometimes feeble, something that would probably vanish once he was discharged - and that was nearing, depending on the results that Dr. Yoongi would bring a little later. You hoped to stop pinning after him when both got back to the respective routines and you didn't get to see so much of him. 

Mind wandering off, you didn't notice as Seokjin leaned towards you, cold fingers softly touching your cheek. "Hey, that way you're really getting wrinkles," he muttered, and you immediately snapped out of your thoughts to look up at him, gaze perhaps focusing a second too long on his lips, the soft smile Dr. Jin was wearing making your face feel warm, and you had to clear your throat audibly to manage speaking. 

"What?"

Lips parting, his little scoff made your eyes flick back to the plump cushions of his mouth, wondering if it was just your imagination that he was somehow closer. "That frown right there," he started explaining, the tip of his fingers only hovering the area between your brows. "What's worrying you, Y/N?" 

"Nothing," you squeaked, unable to manage anything coherent, so thunderstruck from his actions. Your head fell down, unable to look him in the eye longer, but Seokjin wasn't having it, same hand going for your chin, digits pressing up with delicacy while coaxing you to lock eyes with him again. 

"You can talk to me, you know... We're- ugh," He tried to say, eyes so worried closing tightly as he groaned in pain, torso dropping back to the bed as he reached for his side, and you tried to understand what was going on. 

"Dr. Seokjin? What's going on?" you asked, hopping off and circling the bed quickly, hands going to the place he was pressing. "Does it hurt here? Do you know what's happening to you?" Panic started to settle in as you tried to think what could be causing him so much pain, till his eyes opened wide, palm enclosing your wrist with bruising strength. 

"Can't bre- Breathe," Seokjin heaved, then tried to gasp for air with no avail. Frowning, you quickly grabbed your stethoscope and pressed it to the side he was still trying to hold, hearing - for your utter desperation - little breathing sounds. That, paired with the healing rib could only mean one thing: Dr. Seokjin's lung was punctured. 

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"But how could that happen, there wasn't anything on his images, did we miss something?" You asked the two doctors standing outside his room after the whole situation was handled and fortunately, Dr. Kim was safe and sleeping soundly, under heavy sedation after the procedure to close up his collapsed lung. 

"No, that might have happened after the exam, he wouldn't stop moving around and yelling at people, so most likely..." Dr. Yoongi muttered, almost to himself, as Dr. Park hummed beside him. 

"Could have been a weird twist though, a move that misplaced the rib again, it was broken in two places anyways," the Ortho attending chanced, the emergency x-ray of Dr. Jin's lungs in his hand. There one could clearly see the hurt lung, small compared to the healthy one. Those things were pretty rare to happen and it wasn't easy to determinate the moment of puncture when it came to broken ribs - healing ones to top -, but you were pretty sure it had been that moment when he had tried to lean even closer to your face, as if - and you tried to shake off the thought so many times already - he was about to kiss you. Though he was probably about to say that I could trust him to talk since we're friends... 

"But he's going to be alright now yeah?" You asked, your worried tone making both doctors stop their mumbling to look at you, Dr. Park's lips quirking up in a smile. 

"Oh don't worry about that, now that we got him quiet and fixed him up, Dr. Kim will get better in a jiffy," he reassured you, hand going to pat at your shoulder softly. You tried to muster a smile, nodding lightly. You didn't want to think about how desperate you were at that time, because it only made you more aware of how much you cared for him. Being concerned for a patient was normal, but the fear you felt as Seokjin was tubed and wheeled for the ER was from someone that was hoping their loved one was okay. 

"Though that means you're still on nurse duty, if I'm not mistaken," Dr. Yoongi blurted, and you looked up at him, finding him slightly squinting at you, eyes knowing. You glanced away, as Jimin chastised his colleague for being mean to an intern. You didn't really mind to tend for him for a little longer, in fact, even your chest felt relieved to know you'd spend more time with him. And if you weren't mistaken, the burning knowing gaze in the back of your head was still from Dr. Min, which was really psychic, after all. 

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When Dr. Jin woke up, you were there to press a hand on his chest protectively to keep him from sitting up. And upon seeing your face he relaxed, his own hand going to cover yours, not to take it off but to squeeze it softly. 

"Hey you there, what did I say about frowning?" he muttered, still a little sleepy from the medicines. You rolled your eyes and chuckled, sliding the hand off his chest to grab the end of your stethoscope and press it to the side of his torso. 

"You also don't listen to given precautions either, Jin." muttering while taking notes about his stats, you missed how he smiled at the way you referred to him. "You were told to not bend or twist your torso till the ribs were secure yet you..." A sigh passed your lips before you looked up. "Please this time try to stay still Dr. Seokjin," 

"But I like when you scold me. Besides-" there was a knock at the door and then Dr. Min entered, followed by a couple interns to study and explain his case. You immediately leaned away from Jin, trying to be discreet as you got up and handed him his charts with all the new info and stats. Still, his eyes locked to yours for a single second and you could see the tiniest of smiles on his face as your cheeks started to feel warm, the feeling of getting caught making your heart pound. 

"What were the symptoms the patient experienced after you diagnosed the punctured lung Dr. Y/L/N?" You almost gasped surprised at his inquiry, eyes wide and suddenly thrown off. "Just because you've been nursing Dr. Seokjin doesn't mean you're not an intern still, so you should be ready. Now, what were his symptoms?"

"Sharp pain at the right side of the torso, quickly followed by shortness of breath and increased heart rate. The patient also started to show blue discoloration of his lips and finally loss of consciousness." You quickly gathered yourself together to answer him, earning a satisfied hum at the answer. 

"And can someone tell me the next step for that?"

"Immediate decompression of the lung with a large-bore needle into the second intercostal space in the midclavicular line, followed by a tube thoracostomy." You blurted out before someone could even breathe, head going a mile a minute as the events of that day went through your mind. Dr. Min did take long to get to the room, and after Jin passed out you had to call a nurse for help and insert the tube yourself without ever doing that. How you had the cold blood to do so it was beyond you. 

"Very good, Dr. Y/L/N. It seems like you've been doing your homework." He sighed, and you heard Seokjin groan a little annoyed behind you. Dr. Min grinned while quickly glancing at him, closing the chart. "Any questions Dr. Seokjin?"

"Yeah, who was the one to close me up? I need to have words with that butcher," he quipped, making the interns still behind Dr. Yoongi chuckled lightly. 

"Well then who can tell me the one responsible for the patient's lung repair?"

"Dr. Jeon was responsible for closing up Dr. Seokjin's at first clean incision, but upon exam, it was necessary to widen the gap and close another small breach in the lung, then Dr. Jim- Dr. Park made the rib repair with plates, to ensure proper healing." You barely registered the little slip from that intern after hearing the complication of the surgery. You thanked whatever force in the universe that Dr. Jeon was the best General surgeon one could ask for, as well as Dr. Park. 

"There's your answer, Dr. Seokjin. Now, Dr. Y/L/N will go over the precautions again, but soon you should be back in your feet. If you'll excuse me," Dr. Min finished and left, before Jin could say anything else, while the others scrambled to follow the Trauma surgeon while blurting small good wishes and farewells for the injured surgeon. Dr. Jin sighed. 

"I'll have to teach him how to suture all over again? I can't believe he's leaving that huge scar on my side- ow," he whined, but this time you chuckled because it was just because he tried to twitch, but the painkillers were wearing off and the surgery was still tender. 

"Be still or you'll open your stitches, Dr. Seokjin," you warned, once more pressing a palm to his shoulder. "Now, you were saying?" trying to distract him, from moving you got back into the previous subject you were discussing, causing his expression to soften instantly - whether from the hand still over his clothed shoulder or sudden confusion, you didn't know. It just reached the wanted result. 

"Huh? Was I saying something?" Seokjin inquired, head cutely tilting a little, even if it was a little weird to say that of a grown man.

"When are you not?" You quipped and the both of you chuckled, a pained hum a chuckle from both parties. "Before Dr. Min arrived you were about to say something about why you can't follow medical instructions I gather," you got up, reaching to lift his bed a little and fluff his pillow. "And as your personal nurse, I have to know about your complaints so I can make my patent more comfortable."

"Well if you have to know, my major issue with staying still is because..." And you had to frown over the sight of his ears turning bright red, blush spreading down to his neck and what you could see from his chest. That made you incredibly intrigued. 

"Because?" You pressed, curiosity eating at you with his hesitancy. Seokjin snickered, head turning to look back at you with a serious expression. 

"If I can't move then I can't try to kiss you," and against all warnings he leaned up, pressing his lips to yours in the most chaste of kisses. 

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It was the night that preceded the day of Dr. Kim Seokjin's discharge, and you felt both parts sad and relieved. 

"I can't believe I'm finally leaving this bed tomorrow," he groaned, eyes closing as he threw his head back. Seokjin was allowed to sit up again by Dr. Park and had taken up his charts and researches again with the blessing of the now responsible surgeon for his case Dr. Jung since Dr. Jeon almost got his ear talked off when he tried to check on Seokjin and the state of his stitches. 

"Well sorry if it was such a bad experience to you Dr. Kim," you quipped jokingly, eyes glancing up from your books as you read about a case he had let you borrow after your little trick with an intern friend had been discovered and thoroughly shut off. 

"Ah you know I didn't mean it that way dear," he sighed and you gave him a tight smile back, trying to not let the term of endearment get to you. "Thought you should know you've been an amazing caretaker. Have you thought of pursuing the medical career?" he joked, and you had to chuckle because he could sometimes make awful jokes, but overall Dr. Kim Seokjin was pretty funny - god forbid him knowing you thought like that. 

Theoretically, you were acting as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn't stolen a kiss and had to be put under a dose of painkillers after, but the little things - the nicknames, the longing stares, and apparently innocent innuendos - made it hard to forget that didn't happen. 

"I know, I was just joking. But I have to say that I'm glad I'm off nurse duty. No matter how much free food I got while serving my time." Eyes getting back to the papers, you were to resume your notes, really intrigued with the carcinoma case he was working on. You never thought he could take care of those things, imagining that every type of cancer went straight to Oncology.  

Seokjin gasped, faking offense, and that snapped you out of your concentration. "Serving your time! Look at that, you've gotten witty huh?" He quipped, and you realized that he still wanted to talk to you, probably with the same thought that both should make the most of that last night... Together, in a sense. 

"It's the company," you shot back, chuckling lightly as you got up, legs feeling a little numb after sitting for so long. "Now, I am stuck at how to make this procedure, could you give me a clue?" You asked, pointing out the papers in your lap.

"You treat me so badly and still need my help tsk," he shook his head, patting the spade beside him on the bed. "C'mere so I can read what you've written so far." 

You watched as he read your essay for a long while, lost once more in his smooth features. He mumbled while reading, in his concentrated state, and you couldn't help but let your gaze wander to his lips, watching as the tip of his tongue wet the lower as he thought. The feeling of those on yours made you shudder lightly, skin tingling to touch and be touched. How professional of you. 

A smile tugged at the corner of your lips after a while, as you realized his ears were getting red again from your staring. But what you had failed to notice was how he had you exactly where he wanted you. 

"You know what Dr. Y/L/N," he sighed, turning to look at your face, being close enough you could feel his breathing fanning on your face. "I think we should leave this for another day."

You swallowed dryly, suddenly really nervous of his proximity, eyes darting from his eyes to his mouth, then quickly back up. "W-why, Dr. Jin?"

And he parted his lips, hissing softly as his gaze was trained on your mouth. "Because it's my last night here alone with you and I can't stop thinking of kissing you."

"Then why don't you?" You tainted, after gathering some courage to speak, even if it was just a mere whisper. But it was encouragement enough for Seokjin, that this time was able to move more freely and securely with the titanium plaques now holding his previously broken ribs. 

The touch of his lips on yours was intoxicating. Soft, but enough to leave your lips tingling with yearning, make you forget your surroundings. They were cold but you still couldn't help to feel pulled further towards them, melting on his touch as if under drug effect. You parted your lips, a silent invitation to deepen the exchange, but he only captured your lower one, before pulling away slightly, a whisper of your name brings you back to reality. 

"They're going to see us," Seokjin pointed out and only then you truly realized the place where you were, leaning away with wide eyes and a warm face, trying to come up with an apology to your inappropriate behavior, but getting a squeeze in your forearm and a soft smile to stop your words. "Can you do me a favor, Dr. Y/L/N?" 

You could only hesitantly nod at his question, eyes meeting mischievous ones - an unrecognizable glint in Seokjin's eyes that were making your heart race - while waiting for what he was to say next. "Close the door and the blinds, I don't want to be bothered anymore."

The instruction caught you a little off-guard but again you could only nod, getting up from the bed and walking towards the door, knees a little weak from what happened seconds ago. Your heart was fluttering, fingers shaking while you pulled the cord that closed the blinds, eyes darting around to see if anyone was around, but due the hour the floor was practically empty, wasn't for the napping nurse on the reception table, back towards the window you were standing behind. 

"D-do you need anything more, Dr. Seokjin?" you cleared your throat, turning towards him right after locking the door as silently as you could. For some reason, as you locked eyes again, his stare was so much more intense it made your pulse stutter. He bit his lower lip, eyes traveling down your figure and making you so aware of his desire, breathing as if the air had suddenly become thick. 

"Can you please turn the TV on? I think there's a football game playing... I'd like to watch that." Eyes glimmering with naught, Seokjin pointed out to the device placed at the top of the opposite wall. You refrained from frowning at his instruction, asking yourself why would he ask for such a thing, when you knew he liked to sleep without any exterior noise - which was funny, him being someone so loud. 

Unless Jin didn't intend to sleep at that moment... The thought made you breathe in sharply, surprised at your own delay to figure it out. Swallowing dryly you pressed the button of the remote to turn the TV on, your whole body buzzing. He had barely kissed you and you were already in such a state... Even your underwear felt a little damp already. 

"Now, I hate to be this demanding to you nurse Y/N, but..." This time his tone was so much deeper, almost whispered and made you twirl on your feet quickly, a tad startled by him. The television was on like he asked, volume almost enough to drown your squeaked 'yes?' but not enough to bother anyone. Jin chuckled at your reaction. "I swear it's the last thing I ask, dear... Could you come here and fluff my pillow?" 

With a small nod, you walked towards him again, having Seokjin straightened up to help you with the task. But ever the clever man, he didn't even wait for you to lean properly over him to capture your lips once again, strong hands tangling with your hair as you tried to leverage yourself, the startle making your knees weak. "Mhm- C'mere," taking a hold of your waist, he tugged your body to the side towards him making you yelp and you would have tumbled over his torso, hadn't you straddled Seokjin instead. 

Now seated properly, your hands went immediately to his hair, sinking in the silky black tresses with delicacy and causing a shudder to ripple through his body as your nails scraped his scalp. Groaning, his own palms slid down confidently, reaching your butt and taking purchase of it with a firm squeeze. You gasped and Seokjin used the momentum to slip his tongue in, deepening the kiss smoothly. 

Even if we're in a hospital it's tempting to take this further, you thought, leaning into his touch with a sigh. 

Then the realization hit you. You were actually in a hospital room, part of your work environment, basically your whole life. Where you actually trying to risk it once again?

"Dr. Kim-" Quickly leaning back from him with hitched breath, you almost got distracted by his already disheveled state with flushed cheeks, lips swollen and pink, so inviting you almost forgot what you had to say. "Dr. Kim, I don't think we should get this carried away, someone could hear us a-and-" You tried to reason while clearing your senses, you sat back on his thighs properly, noticing exactly how carried away Seokjin was intending to get. His eyes widened at your words as if he also realized where you were exactly, hands sliding back down to the bed. You observed his face carefully, hoping he wouldn't get angry at you. 

Clearing his throat, Dr. Jin looked away quickly. "You're right," he started in a low tone, pressing his eyes shut for a moment. "It's risky for both of us, even more for you... I'm so sorry I think I was out of my mind for a little bit." Biting down on his lower lip guiltily Seokjin breathed out heavily as he pinched the bridge of his nose. You took this moment to hop off his legs, not without giving a quick peek to the bulge hiding underneath the covers. Frustration washed over you immediately for doing that to yourself - for doing that for the both of you. But maybe when he gets better...

"I'm really sorry about this," you muttered, twirling on your feet and walking towards the door with wobbly knees and wondering how the hell would you be able to face him in the next - what time was it, 2 am already - hours. How would you be able to pretend that nothing happened from then on? It was impossible to keep that thing going - at least it was very much frowned upon - but you knew yourself too well to know you wouldn't be able to maintain a professional demeanor towards him. You were in too deep. 

You chanced a peek over your shoulder, hand in the doorknob about to get out. Seokjin had his eyes closed, breathing still a little labored and probably trying to get his boner to go down on his own. Why were you chickening out at that moment? You wanted the man so much it was barely bearable, he wanted you too - that was very clear - so why were you, the one that had yelled to that man and shut him up a month earlier afraid then? 

"Fuck me," you muttered to yourself, flicking the lights off and turning back around, almost ripping your coat off your body and throwing it to the chair nearby. The hasty movements picked Seokjin's attention and made him look back at you, confused about what you were doing for a second before a smile spread over his lips as you climbed the bed again, taking position on his lap again. Feeling bold, you also pulled off the uniform shirt, bra the only thing covering your chest at that point. 

"You're going to kill me," he breathed out, fingers creeping up your waist as his eyes took in the sight in front of him. You shuddered, a humored hum leaving your lips as you leaned back to press your lips to his. 

"Not the point here, doc. Quite the opposite actually." You couldn't help the quip, gasping as Seokjin caressed up your waist. He rolled his eyes at you, free hand grasping the back of your neck and getting back at kissing you. 

Soon the exchange got heated up again, tongue invading your mouth and exploring digits mapping their way through the expanse of uncovered skin, only hesitating with a silent request for permission as they hovered the clasp of your bra. Already past patience at that point, you just shoved his polite hands away before opening it yourself, hurriedly throwing the garment to the floor, then meeting his awed expression. "So pretty," Seokjin marveled, hands cupping your breasts with care. "I'm good, but could never make them look as beautiful as yours." 

The sudden admission made you scoff, and you were about to make a witty comment but was interrupted by his fingers tweaking at your nipples and turning any attempt of speaking into a soft gasp. He hummed. "So sensitive and soft... I want to taste you." 

"Dr.- Jin!" your breath hitched as his mouth replaced one of his hands, full lips clasping over the hardened nub, the tip of the tongue teasing the sensitive skin. You held his head in place amazed at how his touch made you feel desire so intensely, hips grinding down on his, hoping that the hard-on against your clothed core meant the same. Immediately detaching his lips from your breast he breathed out hard, the friction being a sign that you affected him a whole deal. Meeting his gaze this time felt like you were electrocuted, his dark stare making you swallow dryly as you saw his intentions plastered to his face, eyes burning at yours. 

"Last time you can back out, Dr. Y/L/N," he whispered, straightening up on the bed, leaning till his face was back at millimeters of yours. "From here I'll take responsibility, but I need to know if you're in with me." You took a second to breathe before nodding, the feeling of his fingertips playing with the band of your scrubs almost distracting. It was nice to know that he'd respond for this of anything happened but it wasn't like you cared anymore. Yes, it was that bad.

At your confirmation Jin captured your lips again, leaning up as he pushed the pants of your scrubs off, chilly air of the room hitting the skin of your butt and making you shudder as his palms caressed their way down. Leveraging yourself on his shoulders with one hand you helped him to get rid of the rest of your garments slowly and as silently as you could while he kissed your neck, the other hand undoing the ties of his gown and exposing the scorching, almost flushed skin of his chest. Like every peek you've had so far, you noticed he wasn't buff, but didn't lack strength and firmness. His body, as expected, was as great as his face.

Leaving your ogling for later, you positioned yourself as flush as you could on his lap, grinding deliciously over his now uncovered big hard cock and drawing a hiss from Seokjin, a little bite on your shoulder in retaliation, hands still holding your ass appreciatively. 

"I would flip us over and fuck you senseless right about now but I guess it would go against medical orders, huh?" His tone was husky and dripping lust as he spoke against your ear not a twinge of humor to his voice, and that made you breathe out at the tease, hips rolling over Jin's once more just as if you were quipping back at him. 

"Oh god, Jin," this time though he responded with a buck of his own, sliding over your pussy with ease due to how wet you've become. That was when you realized that maybe you would have to maul your lip to avoid moaning his name out loud if that simple gesture almost made you lose your composure. But as he said, it would be bad for his stitches if he was to top, so you would have to do the job this time. 

"Fuck, you're so wet for me, "And you would have to do it fast because the more Seokjin spoke, the more you were turning desperate to have him inside. 

With a firm, but delicate grip you lined him to your entrance, biting on your lip as you lowered yourself on him and leaning your head on his shoulder with the smallest of whimpers as the pleasure of the stretch took over your body like electricity. SeokJin tensed underneath your body, muttering small curses as he mouthed at your neck, arms now snaking around your body and holding you as close as humanly possible. You reached his base breathless, feeling the tip of his dick kissing your cervix. 

You chanced to move, rocking your hips slowly at first, clenching as Jin met your grind and you started a soft and quiet pace. But it was soon escalating, as you felt him getting snuggled in a certain spot inside of you that had you seeing stars, head thrown back as your hips jolted and slammed back down, bed creaking drowned by the TV, or at least you hoped. "Seokj-Jin right there," you tried whispering, looking down at him and meeting his expression - a mix of awe and lust - as the little light coming from the window provided by the moon indirectly illuminated his face. You saw him nod, licking his lips before gripping back at your sides before leaning back down and pulling you with him till you had to use your hands to avoid falling on him. 

Like that you could now bounce on his lap slowly, controlling the pace so you would enjoy the ride a little longer, as much as you were clenching around him with the need for proper drilling. Seokjin seemed to enjoy the little torture, face contorting in pleasure and eyes fluttering shut. 

"Jin," you whispered, making him open his eyes with a heave before you leaned down a little to peck his lips. "You feel so good inside of me fuc-" You meant to tease him, having it backfiring spectacularly as he grunted, pumping up into you deeply and shushing you with a kiss. 

"Just because I'm not cleared - shit how you're so tight? - doesn't mean you can t-tease me like that, Dr. Y/N." He snickered, keeping with the pace of his hips as you met every snap, face buried on the crook of his neck and not regretting your actions at all.

After a wince or two from his side, you decided to take over, straightening your torso back up again and resuming rocking your hips at a much stronger and faster pace, ready to take you both to the ends you two most desperately desired. 

Breathing got ragged rather quickly, and it was so hard to contain the curses and little grunts and moans coming from both of you. Jin's hands went from your hips to your chest again, entranced with how your breasts moved and engrossed on tweaking your nipples, your body breaking a sweat in an attempt to hold off the moan from the added stimulation. 

"I'm going to cum soon Jin, I'm- It feels so good-" Your whispers were even more choked up and desperate, and with your blurred vision you could barely see him nodding and gripping one of your sides even tighter. 

"Good dear, I'm right behind you, wanna see you cum around my cock so bad," he urged you, licking his thumb and going for your clit with his free hand, rubbing tight circles that almost made you scream, nails digging on his chest. 

"C-cum... Inside me, Dr. J-jin, please cum inside!" At your muttered plea his pace practically faltered to a stop, cock throbbing hard inside of you as he looked up at your face. 

"Are you sure about that Y/N? Do you want me to fill you up, love?" Tone so soft, barely understandable but filled with desire. You could only nod, in the brink of tipping off the edge and almost unable to keep quiet. Breathing out a curse he nodded back, eyes fixated on yours. "Then cum for me and I will too, hm?" And at that Seokjin resumed playing with your clit, effectively bringing you to climax, eyes rolling up and both of your hands pressed to your mouth, avoiding to voice the incredible orgasm you were experiencing. Stimulated by your walls squeezing tight around him, Jin also came hard, with a string of curses on his lips, trying to keep his eyes open and relish on your fucked out expression while you rode out the climax. 

--

The light of early morning was starting to breach the windows as you laid down beside Seokjin, using the last of your energy to get dressed and put his gown back, deciding to clean up a little later, once you were cleared to go home. None of you dared to sleep though, staring at each other in silence till you needed to get up. 

"Ah, this won't do," Seokjin started suddenly, sighing heavily. The whispering made you frown, wondering what he meant. 

"What? What won't do?" Your voice was a little rough even if you had barely used it through the night, and you cleared your throat to try and speak properly. "Us?" You added hesitantly. 

Not meeting your eyes Seokjin nodded, and your heart sank instantly, eyes prickling.

"You see the thing is," he started, and you wanted to move, but your whole body felt incredibly numb, his arms doing nothing to the sudden cold you were feeling. "I can't put you on my team if you're my girlfriend, but you have so much potential in the area- Why are you crying? I'll talk to Namjoon about it, please don't be upset love," As his eyes turned back to look at you Jin noticed - and you noticed - your teary state, as you rolled your eyes and sniffed. 

"Don't scare me like that, you prick!" You scoffed, wiping your tears and meeting his utterly confused gaze. He really wasn't even trying to joke, you understood. You sighed. "And that's a weird way to ask me to be your girlfriend if I have any saying on this," you chuckled, watching his eyes widen as he realized he had really said something about that.

"That means it's a no?" Seokjin asked, looking the most insecure you've ever seen him. Somehow, it was cute.

"No take backs, you've already said it, now you're stuck with me." You bopped his nose with a serious expression, watching a smile take over his lips, as he hugged you tighter. 

"I can't believe I have a nurse, a girlfriend and the best intern this whole internship program has ever seen in my bed." At that you chuckled, snuggling to his chest with a satisfied sigh.

"Well enjoy it while it lasts, because I have to get up in like ten minutes to get your discharge papers." You said, hearing him groan while pressing his face to the top of your head.

"Then a proper date?" 

"Then a proper date, sure."

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masterlist

[awayouts]

Nights With You

pairing: thatchkerr (mike kerr/ben thatcher) word count: 5.5k i am so sorry genres: fluff, smut description: ben’s always wanted to spend his nights with mike, but tonight, when mike falls asleep on the sofa and ben decides to carry him to bed, this particular night becomes much sweeter than either of them could have imagined. 

(AKA THAT PROMPT WHERE YOU KISS YOUR BEST FRIEND ON THE FOREHEAD 'CAUSE YOU ASSUMED THEY WERE ASLEEP, BUT BITCH, YOU THOUGHT)

a/n [please read]: so uh, here it is. a bit of thatchkerr to hopefully brighten your day. this is based on ‘nights with you’ by mø, which is technically about friendship but so many people have said it’s kinda gay. so i guess it’s quite fitting for this lol. also i haven’t written mxm in a while so i’m really sorry if it’s bad! i tried! and i have this habit where everything has to be ~profound~ and they have to talk about their feelings so, yeah. there’s that too (i kinda based some of it off the kerrang interview where mike’s talking about ‘nowness’) ANYWAY i’m rambling. so enjoy and please let me know if you have any requests for other fics!!!! also, HUGE THANK YOU to kal and julie for inspiring and encouraging me during this, ily *cuddles* ♡

/////

Mike has fallen asleep again.

Ben returns from the kitchen with a fresh bottle of beer and instantly knows that something’s astray. His bandmate’s body is slumped on the sofa, twisted away from the television; his mouth is hanging slightly open, his pink, pouted lips slick with drool. He’s still dressed in the clothes he’s been wearing all day, usual attire of a striped t-shirt and skinny black jeans which hug his hips, his legs long and slightly bent. Needless to say, he looks fucking adorable.

Ben frowns, annoyed by this fact. When Mike looks cute - which is all the time, really; something he’s grown to accept over the years is that Mike Kerr is a stupidly cute person, and it cannot be helped - Ben finds it even harder to forget that he has a giant, hopeless, unrequited crush on him.

It’s always been there, the crush. When they first met, all those years ago, there was something so warm about Mike, something that made Ben want to spend his entire day smiling. Their senses of humour matched perfectly, too, and Ben always liked how music seemed to pump through Mike’s veins, meaning they could have jam sessions together and share album recommendations over cups of coffee and trips to the local record store. But it was always just simmering under the surface, and Ben figured maybe it was admiration, instead. Maybe he just thought Mike was really cool. He didn’t want to kiss Mike, did he? Or touch him? He just loved being around him. At least, that’s what he convinced himself.

Only when they formed Royal Blood, and started spending even more time together than before, did Ben realise that maybe it was more than just that, and decide that actually, he did want to kiss Mike, and not only that, but also become his boyfriend. He blames the touring. They were thrust together in a tiny bus with nothing but each other to entertain themselves with, and Ben can’t count the amount of times he’s caught himself imagining the two of them lazily making out, just to pass the time. Not to mention the fact that Mike looks so good onstage, his voice like liquid gold as it pours from his lips and reverberates across arenas and festival crowds, his mouth carving into a cocky smirk as the cheers hit his ears the way Ben hits his drums, the younger’s fingers working quickly and deftly across four bass strings. Also, the fact that Mike stands with his back to Ben, broad shoulders and butt in clear undisrupted view while Ben struggles to remember what the fuck he’s meant to be doing, is not exactly helpful.

But it’s not just the way he looks or the way he plays. It’s the way he is. Mike is funny and caring and endlessly cool without even trying; he’s a thunderstorm and the gentle pitter-pattering of raindrops all at once, his personality shifting effortlessly from excitable and approached to quiet, laid-back, reserved. Mike knows exactly how to act around Ben - they get each other - and Mike always knows how to cheer Ben up, even if it’s just with a shot of tequila and a hearty slap on the back. Ben’s no poet - Mike’s their lyricist, after all - but he feels like he could write a thousand poems just about the way Mike’s laughter wraps itself around his heart, how it fills his lungs with the sweetest air.

There’s no saving Ben now. As they shot to fame, climbing charts and festival bills alike, his crush rose too, and the fact that the Mike is straight, and has only ever seen Ben as his goofy best friend, is really not good for Ben’s mental health. Nevertheless, he’s tried not to let it get to him. He makes out with other dudes and shags the women he meets in random bars and writes silly lyrics in his notebook that he’d never dare pitch to Mike; he looks away and closes his eyes and pushes intrusive thoughts to the back of his mind, and it’s overwhelming, and it’s a lot, but it’s okay. Kind of.

Thankfully, there are times like these. When it’s quiet and there’s no one else around, and he’s a couple beers down, he can allow himself to think, just for a moment, about how desperately he wants Mike to be his. It’s difficult, having to look at his friend curled up like this, like a lovely overgrown baby or something, but it’s nice too; the best kind of pain. The room is silent and dark — it’s nine pm, and they’d been watching a film together (Ben had only gone to grab a beer from the fridge and pop to the toilet and he’d come back to this. Typical) - but squinting through the low light, he lets himself stare at Mike for a long, long time. Even though Mike is a lot taller than Ben (not to mention he’s a fully-grown man, face full of stubble and all), he looks so small – vulnerable, even.

A dull ache throbs in the confines of his chest, not just for selfish reasons but because of the genuine sympathy he feels for his knackered friend. The sight of Mike passed out hasn’t surprised Ben. He’s been watching the younger struggle to keep his eyes open all evening, eyelids drooping and head lolling helplessly forward before he realises what’s happening and wakes himself up, blinking. It would be hilarious if Ben didn’t feel so bad about it: Mike is always affected the worst by touring, the jet-lag taking its toll and reducing him to nothing but bleary-eyed smiles and frequent yawns, pre-show naps whenever possible. Ben knows Mike loves the thrill of being on the road, but sometimes, he’s like a sixty year old man - he likes his rest, that’s all.

Ben Thatcher is a man of simple desires. Sometimes all he wants is to simply spend his nights with Mike, not even in a sexual way, just to lie down next to him and listen to him breathing and wake up to sunshine pouring through the windows, and Mike’s long-lashed, sleepy eyes. The fact that they say goodnight then skulk off to their separate bedrooms is a cruel injustice. Something about it just doesn’t seem right.

This is the thought that ricochets into Ben’s next thought, which hits him with such force that he mindlessly reaches for the remote, flicking off the television as he toys around with it in his mind. He is struck, inexplicably, with the sudden and overwhelming urge to tuck Mike into bed. He feels guilty that he’s always forcing Mike to stay up with him, when really Mike needs all the rest he can get; there’s a tiny selfish part of him that yearns to hog Mike’s attention, to keep the younger awake and alert as much as possible so they can talk or write music together or watch movies or just drink beer. But watching him now, listening to the tiny snores he’s just begun to emit… Ben makes his decision. He’s not going to wake Mike up this time.

He knows Mike won’t get a comfortable night’s sleep on their old lumpy sofa, so he stands there frozen for a minute, considering something. Mike may seem small, but he’s really not – he’s tall and lean, and he’s been working out recently (whenever he decides he’s going to do shirtless sit-ups on the tour bus or in the living room of the flat they share, Ben has to immediately depart. He doesn’t think he can bear visions of Mike’s sweaty naked torso swimming around his mind all day). But to the point, Mike is going to be heavy. Picking him up will be no easy feat.

Luckily, ambitious Ben is never one to back down from a challenge.

And maybe he’s more selfish than he thinks, because he finds himself aching to hold Mike, even if it’s in the most platonic sense imaginable – he longs for the young man in his arms, to cuddle him and feel his warmth, maybe even nestle Mike’s head underneath his chin so that he can feel Mike’s brunette curls brush against his skin. Just the smell of him would be more than enough. Taking a deep breath, he bends down and scoops an arm underneath Mike’s shoulder blades, then another underneath his knees. He does it swiftly so that he can’t talk himself out of it, then suddenly he’s got his arms hooked under Mike and they’re closer than they’ve been in a while.

“Okay,” Ben hisses to himself, and he can’t help but chuckle as Mike’s head lolls back over the crook of Ben’s elbow, his mouth gaping open widely. Ben bites his lip, and with a suppressed groan, lifts Mike off the sofa. He was right, Mike is heavy – but Ben is strong, (all those bicep curls at the gym have paid off) and surprisingly, he straightens up with ease. He stands there cradling his best friend tightly, peering down at his closed eyelids. God, those eyelashes - they’re incredible. If Ben didn’t know him better, he’d think Mike was an avid mascara-wearer.

Mike stirs a little due to the movement and closes his mouth, which Ben stares at while Mike settles down again, head rolling comfortably against Ben’s chest. It’s such a pretty mouth, so pink and lavish - he’s always had a fascination with the shape of Mike’s mouth, and has pretty much etched it to his memory by now - and Ben realises that if he wanted to, he could lean down and kiss him. He could slot their lips together and Mike would never even realise. Just once, to ease his raging mind. Ben shakes away the thought.

He takes it slow, walking with care not just because he doesn’t want Mike to wake up, but because he doesn’t want to drop Mike - god, imagine that: dropping Mike Kerr on the floor and watching in horror as he realises that you've literally just been holding him and, even worse, are so weak and weedy that you couldn't even maintain holding him. Ben cringes at the thought, his grip instinctively tightening on Mike's legs. Besides, he doesn't mind that it takes time. He could stay like this forever, Mike so warm, his gorgeous familiar scent making Ben's head go dizzy, his heart and skin and lips so close. Even his jeans feel nice, kind of rough against Ben’s fingertips. It’s like electricity.

He enters Mike's bedroom - a rare occurrence, because Mike always keeps his door closed and is generally a private person, although Ben likes to think he's broken down some of Mike's barriers over the years - and rests his bandmate down on the bed, reaching either side of him to pull down the duvet slowly and carefully. He tugs it all the way down past Mike's bare feet, but just before he pulls it up over him, he just stops and stares for a second, sinking down onto the edge of the mattress beside his sleeping friend.

There have been moments, sure. Moments where Ben could kid himself that they belonged together, that Mike felt the same way about him. Sometimes, it’s just a glance - other times, it’s as much as Mike hugging him a fraction longer than usual, or dropping his gaze to Ben’s lips mid-conversation, or drunkenly admitting - quite recently - that Ben was the greatest person he’d “ever fucking met”, all with an arm slung around his shoulder, clutching the elder tight. But these are all just silly little insignificant moments: they’re nothing important, like a kiss in the dark or a confession of undying love.

Up until a few months back, Ben thought that maybe it was inevitable that something would happen between them. They belonged together, didn’t they? Mike looked at him like he was made of pure gold, didn’t he? They were best mates and bandmates and it was just bound to happen… wasn’t it? He just had to wait. Their time would come - destiny would make it so.

But then Ben grew tired of waiting, and at the end of last year, he gave himself an ultimatum. If they were destined to be together, they would be - but it would have to happen before, or on, New Year’s Eve. If Mike kissed him under the fireworks as the clock struck midnight, then he’d be right. But if not, he had to stop kidding himself, and just get the fuck over it. Maybe 2017 would be the year of finally finding someone other than Mike to fixate on, someone who actually liked him back.

Seeing Mike kiss that random girl, his arms wrapped around her like she was all he’d ever cared about, was one of the most painful experiences of Ben’s life.

“Fuck you, Michael,” Ben finds himself whispering now, reaching again for the duvet, his fingers wobbling as he takes it in his grasp. It travels up Mike’s body, over his feet, up his shins and thighs and tummy and chest, every perfectly-crafted part of him. As Ben leans over, tucking the soft duvet under Mike’s armpits, he keeps his gaze locked to his peaceful, unmoving face. He truly is gorgeous. It should be illegal for someone to be that gorgeous.

Ben glances around the room at Mike’s various band posters - the dork - then settles his gaze on a full-length mirror. It’s dark in here, but moonlight falls through the blinds in shafts and Ben sees himself clearly, staring wearily back at himself. How could he ever have thought Mike would like him the way he likes Mike? Mike is a walking work of art, sculpted by angels and sent to earth from the heavens above, and Ben… he looks away from the mirror. He doesn’t want to list all the reasons Mike wouldn’t settle for someone like him, because it would only make him feel a thousand times worse.

So he looks back at Mike and focuses on the man beneath him. “You have such a fucking hold on me, it’s ridiculous,” Ben sighs, convinced by the younger’s consistent snuffles that he’s still unconscious. Ben can pretty much say anything he likes, and the words come spilling out. “You know that, right? You fucking beauty. Look at you. Fucking dickhead.” He shakes his head and snorts, and suddenly realises that, in all the humour of it all, his hand had reached out and is brushing mindlessly against Mike’s cheek. He hadn’t even noticed he was doing it, but now he’s fully aware of their contacted skin, the roughness of Mike’s face, Ben’s fingers dancing across stubble. Ben’s never been one to talk much, but the words come spilling out; he supposes he only talks when it’s important, or maybe he’s just had more beers than he thought. “Remember on your birthday last year, where we had that pool party and we were all hammered on tequila and we jumped in the pool? You came up from under the water and looked at me like you wanted me, and I thought we were going to kiss or something, your hair all wet and water dripping down your skin. But then you just grinned that goofy grin and splashed me. I should’ve told you then, I…” He feels the stubble underneath his fingertips and sighs, carefully retracting his hand. “I should’ve just told you and got it over and done with. If only you fucking knew.”

There’s a long silence. Mike has stopped snuffling and is lying there like an angel, so serene.  The same uncontrollable urge that compelled him to tuck Mike into bed has now overwhelmed him once more, but it’s to do something a little more risky. “Fuck it,” Ben hisses, abiding, and before he can stop himself, he leans in and pushes Mike’s hair back, then plants a kiss to his forehead.

That’s when he feels Mike’s fingers tighten around his arm.

Too shocked to properly function, he pulls his face away, horrified. Mike’s eyes are half-open, and he’s staring up at Ben, his hand having reached up to find Ben’s arm in the dark.  Ben remains silent, all the oxygen sucked from his body. He hovers over Mike, his body twisted, his muscles frozen - even his bloodstream seems to be slowing down. He’s gripping the sheets at either side of Mike’s shoulders, their eyes locked, and it’s all so overwhelming and mortifying that he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t have to ask if Mike felt the kiss, because he knows he did - he can see the confusion swimming in Mike’s eyes, and something else… something like… want?

He leans in, and without thinking about it, without stopping to wonder if this will ruin their friendship and their band and eventually their career, if it will end everything they’ve ever worked hard to build — he moves his face closer and kisses Mike softly, their lips coming together in the darkness.

It lasts about two seconds and it feels amazing - tentative yet assured at the same time, shy and assertive all at once - yet it’s so quick, and over so soon that Ben finds himself yearning to do it again. And he does: he pushes his lips against Mike’s once more, their mouths pressing gently together for a second time before he pulls away, his breath dancing across Mike’s skin and his lips moving to the corner of Mike’s mouth. Ben kisses him on the cheek, once, twice, then down to his jawline; he peppers tentative kisses all across his face, wanting to appreciate all the parts of Mike’s body he finds beautiful. He wants Mike to feel all the love he deserves, because he’s been screwed around in the past and it’s so unfair. Mike deserves the world, and Ben wants to give it to him.

He lifts up his arm to rest it against the pillow alongside Mike’s head and leans in for better access, their chests meeting. He’s kissed more girls than guys in his time and had almost forgotten what this felt like, a flat expanse where breasts usually are, but he soaks it up. He’s raking his hand through Mike’s hair, hungry for it now, lips meeting Mike’s earlobe and neck, kissing his best friend’s skin with all the passion he has because any minute now Mike could tell him to stop and it would all be over, and he needs this - he needs it to last. Only when Mike lets out a tiny whimper does Ben pull away, feeling instantly guilty as he stares at the younger, but then Mike’s eyes flit between Ben’s and his lifts his head up off the pillow, connecting their lips together once more.

Because for Mike, this feels so right - like, he hadn’t remembered falling asleep, and he’d woken up to Ben mumbling quietly above him, which was weird to say the least - but when Ben had kissed him, it hadn’t felt surprising. Not one bit. His entire body had become charged with electricity, and it was like a shift in the atmosphere had occurred, but it was a good shift. He opens his eyes while kissing, sees Ben’s own closed ones then lets his own  flutter shut, feeling Ben’s strength and heat transferring between their bodies. He hadn’t expected, when he’d slipped into unconsciousness on the sofa while watching that shitty film, that he’d wake up to this.

Their mouths melt into one another, settling into an eager rhythm. Kissing Ben Thatcher in the half-light of his bedroom, while half-asleep and with fading dreams still dancing in his head, makes Mike feel like he’s high; he wonders whether this is all actually happening or if he’s just having the nicest dream of his life. He goes from sleepy to horny in about three seconds, breath hitching helplessly in his throat; every nerve in his body ignites, his fingertips aware of every atom as he brings them to the back of his best friend’s neck. Ben is a good kisser, applying just the right amount of pressure, no excess saliva or washing-machine syndrome despite all the tension and desperation, the releasing frustration and aggression of it all. Mike blinks away what remains of his sleepiness, gripping Ben tight. It’s overwhelming and utterly insane, and he’s going to appreciate this moment with everything, everything he’s got.

They fumble in the darkness, kisses starting gentle but becoming more intense as the seconds pass, fuelled by passion. Ben slots his leg in between Mike’s, but the duvet gets in the way and they part for a second while Ben carelessly tosses it aside - they’re getting warmer now anyway, so they don’t need it. Ben straddles Mike, his fingers finding their way to Mike’s hips and pressing firmly into the flat bones there, but then he wants to touch Mike’s hair again - he can’t settle on one place - and so he cups the younger’s chin before threading his fingers through his curls, tugging him closer and kissing him hungrily. They’re so close, every inch of their bodies touching, the friction of denim on denim and skin on skin as Mike juts his hips upwards. Mike grips Ben sturdily, digging his fingernails into Ben’s arms, and rolls them both over so that he's on top before proceeding to push fiery kisses against Ben's mouth.

“M-Mike—” Ben begins, but Mike captures his words in his lips, sliding in his tongue to shut Ben up at once. The feeling of Mike’s tongue inside his mouth sends a jolt through Ben’s core and as their bodies rub together, they feel their jeans getting tight, their lower stomachs becoming heated. But Ben knows how Mike gets sometimes, how sexual of a person he is, how sometimes he just wants a cheap meaningless shag, and Ben has to make sure that this isn’t one of those times. “Mike,” he gasps, pushing his forehead against his friend’s. He can feel the sweat, taste it in the air. “Are you going to fuck me and chuck me?”

Mike pulls away, blinking. He can’t stop himself from chuckling at Ben’s abrupt wording, his dry Southeast accent making his words sound almost like a wisecrack, and Mike’s resulting smile is so adorable that Ben almost kisses him again. He manages to stop himself, though.

Anyway, Mike just finds it all so funny, because he’s pretty certain that Ben was the one who kissed him. “You think I’m gonna hump you and dump you?” he smirks, his eyes lit up even in this low light. “Toss you off and…” He raises an eyebrow. “…toss you away?”

Ben snorts, then takes a moment to regain his composure. Nothing is ever serious with them, but tonight it has to be, because so many things are different now. “I’m being serious,” Ben huffs. He gazes up at Mike, wishing they could just keep kissing but needing clarification, first. Mike obliges and sits up, then climbs off Ben and sits in front of him. Ben sits up too.  They both sit there for a moment, panting.

“Well?” Ben prompts, pulling his knees up to his chest to hide his growing erection. There’s times on tour he’s gotten carried away thinking about getting off with Mike, and has had to hide it in a similar way - this feels just as embarrassing as those times, even in the current circumstance.

“Ben, I… we don’t have to explain it. If it feels right, we should just… do it.” Mike avoids eye contact, looking down at his hands. Ben looks down too. He’s always loved Mike’s fingers, the way they move across a bass like they were built to play. But now they’re fumbling together. Mike rarely shows that he’s anxious, but the way he fidgets with his hands is always clear tell.

“Do what,” Ben murmurs. “Fuck?”

“No, just… whatever feels right.” Mike shrugs, then scoots closer and wraps his arms around Ben. Ben feels warm in his embrace, their t-shirts glued to their skin by sweat, faces red as they get their breath back. Relenting, Ben relaxes into the hug, wrapping his arms around Mike. Mike nuzzles into Ben’s shoulder, adoring how solid and strong he feels, breathing in his masculine scent. For a moment, they stay like this, enjoying the moment. “It’s just really hard at the moment,” Mike murmurs.

Ben cracks up, gaze dropping pointedly to Mike’s crotch. “Oh, is it? Good to know.” He wriggles his eyebrows cheekily and, catching onto the crude joke, Mike snatches a nearby pillow and smacks him hard across the head. But then they come together once more, fitting together like they always knew they would. Their laughter dies down, replaced by silence.

“I mean, I never know what I want,” says Mike, shrugging. “I think that’s why I love songwriting. I can spill out all these feelings and sometimes it doesn’t even have to make sense, because for someone it will… for someone it’ll resonate so strongly that it’s like I wrote it for them. Doesn’t matter that I’m confused about my feelings most of the time.”

Ben nods in understanding. He always knew that if something did happen between the two of them, it would never be simple - Mike has shit he needs to figure out, and that’s completely understandable. “But…” Mike says. “When I’m confused, I like to think about animals and how they have no sense of time. They live in a timeless world, and that’s why they’re so happy. They’re not sitting around all day fearing for the future, being guilty about the past… and that’s what we have to achieve. Nowness.” He’s half-smiling now, stuck between happy and wistful. “And the best way to achieve nowness is by maybe not talking about it all the time.”

Ben smiles. Mike can be quite profound sometimes - it’s one of the things Ben loves about him. “Can I just ask one thing?”

Mike nods.

“Are you happy right now, with me? Doing… this?” He gestures vaguely between them.

Again Mike nods, embrace tightening around his friend. “You know, as a great lyricist once said…” Mike pushes his mouth sloppily against Ben’s and mutters his next words into Ben’s lips, breath skating along their smooth surface. Mike tastes of beer and smoke and him, something indescribable and magnificent. “You want me, you got me.”

Ben takes that as a very definitive yes.

Despite the fact that Mike’s words, and the sultry tone he says them with, send shivers racing down his spine, Ben pulls away again, unable to refrain from rolling his eyes at the fact that Mike has literally resorted to quoting his own lyrics, now. Neither of them are very sappy people and he’s torn between pulling Mike in and kissing him with all his might, and slapping him for being such a dork. In the end, he just says: “You’re an idiot.”

“Dunno who it was, but that man was a genius,” Mike continues. A grin skirts around his lips, and within seconds he’s snorting so hard with laughter that he can barely get his words out. “He’s such a— a musical talent.”

“Oh my god,” Ben says dryly, but Mike can see that his eyes are glittering with amusement. “I can’t believe I had a crush on you three seconds ago.”

Mike stops laughing and stares at him. “Can we just…” He trails off and they’re kissing again, slow and soft then passionate and heated, Ben being the one to deepen the kiss this time; their tongues slide alongside each other and their mouths are wet and warm and god, it’s so good. Neither of them could have imagined that they’d find themselves making out this fine evening, but neither of them is going to complain about it: for Ben, this is all he's ever wanted, and for Mike, this is something that maybe he didn’t realise he wanted, but now that it’s happening, he never wants it to stop.

Because he’s realised it now. All the looks, the shy glances, the times he’s let his gaze flutter upon  Ben’s lips and wondered what if, or drunkenly longed to pin Ben’s hips to his then discarded the thought, blaming it on the vodka, or even just laughed so hard at one of Ben’s jokes it made him wonder if he’d ever meet anyone funnier, or whom he enjoyed spending time with more, or who he even wanted to spend time with. But now, lips moulding into each other like they were created to do this, their bodies becoming one and their hearts racing as their hips roll together, he knows that it was meant to happen. And Ben is so beautiful. He’s so fucking beautiful, even though he doesn’t think he is, and he’s funny and kind-hearted and he always brings the life to every party, wandering around pouring champagne for everyone,  and he’s such a nerd sometimes, and he loves music with every fibre of his being and rhythm is worked into his bones, and he turns into a god when he plays that drumkit, and he has such a cool fashion sense and such a fascinating personality, and he lives life to the fullest and brings out the best in Mike and… Mike loves him. He loves him.

This sudden burning realisation makes Mike’s skin hot and his heart threaten to burst from his chest, but he rolls with it. Nowness, he thinks. “I always knew you liked me,” mumbles Mike with heated breath, kissing Ben’s ear. Usually Ben cringes when people kiss him like that, but god, with Mike, it’s exhilarating. There have been times Mike’s mouth has pushed against a microphone while singing and Ben has almost lost it, watching him and wishing that he were a microphone. “Fucking knew it.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything,” breathes Ben, his body aching to be touched all over by Mike, goosebumps prickling his skin. They are a mess of chaos and pleasure; fingernails dug into skin, hands racing all over each other, not enough oxygen in their lungs. It’s crazy how quickly he’s succumbed to Mike, allowing the younger man to do whatever he likes as Ben sinks father into the mattress, relishing every second. His entire body is on fire, Mike’s tongue like flames licking his skin.

“‘Cause I didn’t know I liked you back,” winks Mike, before tugging Ben’s shirt down a little so he can pepper kisses along his collarbone. He likes the way Ben’s skin tastes under his mouth. Then he swiftly moves his hands underneath Ben’s shirt, feeling the smoothness of his waist. “You’re so…” He starts, meeting Ben’s lips again, adoring their plump poutiness, how he can feel Ben’s tongue desperately pushing past his. He doesn’t finish his sentence, instead saying, “I heard what you said. The pool party.”

Ben pulls away and looks at him.

“You should’ve kissed me,” Mike finishes, and there’s something so sincere and genuine about the way he’s maintaining eye contact that knocks the breath from Ben’s body. They stare into each other’s eyes, and Mike finishes, calmly and clearly, “I would’ve kissed you too.”

“But, you—” Mike sure is an asshole sometimes; Ben wouldn’t have it any other way. “Why didn’t you-”

Mike smirks cheekily, teasing him; he pushes a calloused finger up against Ben’s lips. “That’s enough questions.” He kisses him once. “Nowness, Benjamin. Nowness.”

But now is more than enough. After a while they find themselves tangled in the sheets, and their kissing slowing down again, the two of them feeling lazy now, sleepily beaming at each other through the darkness. Before long they’re simply staring at each other, sharing the same pillow. Ben looks deeply into Mike’s eyes, usually light but darkened with want, and realises that he adores this man with all his heart. He always just thought it was a crush, a stupid, juvenile thing that would be too dumb to mention out loud, but now he’s wishing he’d said - or done - something sooner. If he’d known all it took was a tiny forehead kiss, he would have done it ages ago. Because as they thread their fingers together, he realises that him and Mike are destined to be together, and he wasn’t stupid to assume so. He’s so blissfully happy that he could cry, or write a song about it. Maybe he will. Maybe this will be the start of Ben Thatcher’s great songwriting career.

As they lie together amongst the bedsheets, he thinks about what Mike said about nowness, and living in the moment. Life is uncertain - you never know what’s going to come tomorrow, but for now, they are sure of a number of things: they’re going to spend the night together, legs tangled together like vines, gazing at each other in the dark, touching and giggling like schoolchildren before drifting softly into dream-filled slumber. And maybe this will happen again tomorrow, and again and again and again. They’ll kiss and they’ll laugh and it’ll all work out - it was always inevitable - and this is what Ben wanted, isn’t it? To spend his nights with Mike.

As for all the rest? Well, they’ll figure it out tomorrow.

[a425app]

Interview 07

Interview Questions

How are you?

Pretty good! It’s been a nice morning so far. Woke up at my leisure, had some coffee, conducted an interview with my father-in-law, and now I’m here

What is your name?

Cory Timmons

What is your age?

31

What gender do you identify as?

Female. I’m a transwoman, and I make that distinction. I can’t deny that I lived as a man for most of my life, although, that’s not how I felt inside. Many transwoman do not like to make the distinction between being a woman and being a transwoman, but I think it’s the most accurate way to describe me. I’m still very early in my transition, and expect to change a lot in the next 2-5 years.

What are the things that have been on your mind today?

Getting my interviews done is really stressing me out. I’m very nervous that I don’t know enough people to properly conduct the required number of interviews.

What's been the most enjoyable part of you of your day so far?

My coffee and chat with my husband this morning. I love him so much.

Is there something your looking forward too?

I’m looking forward to checking some things off my list today so I can reduce my stress. I know what I have to do, I took some time before bed to make a list of things for the weekend, so now I just have to GSD- get shit done!

What is the most important thing that matters to you at the moment?

Completing my degree.

Do you work? If so how many hours a week and what sort of job is it? / do you work on site or at home (or alternate location)

Yes. It varies. I work between 5 and 20 hours a week. I make posters for the music department, and occasionally do administrative work for an occupation/physical therapy company who helps kids with special needs in SF. I work at home for both jobs.

What are some things you like to do on the weekends?

Lately, working on homework. My husband and I like to have morning dates.. so we go out thrift shopping and have a nice lunch together. I like to just be cozy, so I immediately put my pjs on after we get home. If I have time, I clean the house, organize/work on little projects to make the house a little easier to live in. Every few weeks, we get brunch with my mom. If I perform in drag, I usually do so on the weekends.

What is your living situation like?

We live in a spacious house surrounded by trees with our pets. We’re very near a park, and near to amenities in town. I’m very very lucky.

is your living space organized to help you accomplish your tasks or goals, whatever they may be?

I think so. I have a dressing room/private lounge that’s just for me. It’s my own little haven in the house. We also have a nice art studio that’s set up for physical and digital arts. The rest of the house has a great flow, lots of pocket doors and things so we can close off parts as we need to. I love this house. It’s very well-designed.

What kinds of chores did you do during childhood/adolescents?

Very few. Basically just cleaning my room to the point it wasn’t a fire hazard, but even then, my parents were incredibly lenient about my chores. My mom did all of it, and I still feel immense guilt about it. That’s probably the most “male” part of my up-bringing—I was waited on hand-and-foot by my mom. I ultimately suffered for it. I had none of these skills, yet I was often in the position of being asked to do those tasks because of the dynamics of my relationships. I basically taught myself housekeeping from martha stewart, and then tried to come back down to earth to a more practical style of keeping house.

Would you say you actively seek out new things to try?

Oh totally

What are some of your goals for your daily life?

I’d like to walk the dog more consistently. I’d like to get in the habit of writing for thirty minutes every single day. I would like to be better about my makeup removal/getting ready for bed routine.

What are some of your goals in general?

I want to make Salem more comfortable fore queer/trans folks. Our city can be very hostile and cruel toward people with deviant genders and sexualities, and we don’t really have a ton of resources considering our city’s size. So that’s a big focus of my life. In fact, I’d say it’s what I’d identify as my purpose for the time. Besides that, more short term, I want to graduate and get a good job making a difference in the world. I’d like to work for a non-profit or some other kind of business/entity that improves peoples lives. I want to keep my art-making practice outside of school—it’s changed my life for the better and I don’t want to lose this power and passion I’ve developed.

What are some things that make you feel proud of yourself?

When I complete an art work that accomplishes my content and formal goals I feel very proud of myself. I feel proud of myself when I survive harsh and cruel situations and still keep my head up. I feel proud of myself when I speak my truth, not fearing the reprisal or consequences.

What activities give you the most satisfaction?

At home, DIY projects and gardening are probably the most satisfying. I get to see it change from A to B and it lasts—something that I can continue to witness over time.

What kinds of things do you to relieve stress?

I listen to guided imagery. I find it helps immensely with my anxiety and PTSD symptoms. I used to self medicate much more with alcohol and marijuana, but I’ve cut back a lot on both of those things, but still use. Not the best way to relieve stress, so I’m trying to be more mindful about it and use healthier options. Meh. No one’s perfect.

What is something you wish you had more time to do?

Making art, particularly digital art. I dream of making a video game. Some kind of RPG, like Final Fantasy or even action-adventure like Zelda. I’d love to have more time to devote to that.

What kinds of things take up most of your time?

Homework right now, and miscellaneous administrative tasks. Honestly, my schedule is so tight right now that it’s all kind of a blur.

How do you feel after you have completed a task.

Great!

How do you reward yourself?

This is a step a rarely do. I only really reward myself for BIG things. When I quit smoking cigarettes, I saved the money I had been spending on that and bought myself a game console.

How much time do you take just for yourself?

I spend a good hour and a half each morning waking up, drinking coffee, listening to podcasts and doing my shower/makeup/dressing routine. At night, I spend about an hour listening to music/podcasts, playing video games, or reading.

What are the most frustrating aspects of your daily activities/ day?

Driving. I love it and hate it. I like the ability to drive, but I hate commuting. So it’s a a weird dynamic! I would love to have the ability to ride a bus or trolley or something to work so I don’t have to think about it. But I’d still want a car because I enjoy driving. Weird, huh? I guess it just feels like I’m losing about an hour of productive time each day.

What time of day do you tend to do your work/chores/ homework

Any time I have, I spend it on that. So, usually 4-9 MWF, 12-9 T/R. All day on the weekend.

Do you feel like you have a good balance between work and personal life?

Not at all, but this period of my life is not about that at all. I’m doing all this work so I can have a personal life again. I absolutely do not intend to keep this pace. It will destroy me and my marriage if I do. I intend to be a more normal “adult” when I’m done with school.

How consistent is your schedule?

Parts are very consistent, other parts are variable. School obviously doesn’t change, but I have counseling/therapy appointments at various times of the week/alternating weeks, evening events, etc.

Can you describe a typical day for you from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed?

7:15 wake up, glass of water, take pills

7:30 coffee, read news, listen to podcasts, homework if needed

8:30 Shower

9:00 Makeup/dress

9:25 Leave for school

9:30 McDonalds

9:55 Arrive at school

10-4 classes

4:00 leave for home

4:25 get home. Drink water, take dogs out

4:45 use the bathroom

5:00 start dinner

5:30 hug mike when he gets home (our main ritual), then feed the dogs

6:00 eat dinner

6:30 dishes

6:45 watch tv/chit chat catch up with mike

8:00 Homework

9:00 alone time in my lounge: video games, music podcasts, drawing, etc.

9:30 remove contacts/makeup, night cream, take night pills

9:45 alone time again

10:15 – 10:45 slip into bed. Read in bed until I pass out.

What time of day do you feel the most alert/happy

Mid-day, 2-6

What do you think having a routine means?

Doing stuff without really thinking about it.

Do you have a daily/weekly routine(s) If so, What are some of your daily/weekly routines?

My days are pretty routine in the way I describe it. Not a lot deviates from that. The main consistent routine centers around school and caring for my dogs.

What tools do you use to plan or remind yourself of activities or a routine if any?

I have a family calendar  mike and I share to keep aware of our day-to-day. We have a chore chart for those kinds of things. Other than that, not realy.

Do you think having a daily routine would/does benefit you? Why or why not?

I think some of the things that’d be good for my skin/body would definitely benefit me. I’m pretty inconsistent about makeup removal, and I’d like to be better about caring for my skin in that way.

Have you done any research / read articles about having a routine?

No.

How often would you say you search for things involving lifestyle: blogs, articles, magazines etc.

Rarely.

Would you be interesting in learning how to best establish and stick to a routine?

What would that look like to you?

Yes. I think it would be positively encouraging and would try to keep me going if I fuck up. I think a lot of times it feels like “all is lost” if I miss a day or don’t do something quite right. So I’d want something to hold me accountable but still keep my interest? Maybe some funny content, connections with others. Tricks on how to get your brain to re-wire.

Do you use technology for planning and/or reminders? If so, what are your favorite tools/programs.

Why are those your favorite?

Yes. I use the apple calendar, and mike and I share it. It’s pretty intuitive, it’s native on the phone, and I can share with hubby.

What are some of your favorite apps to use? Why those? How do you use them? How often do you use them?

I don’t use a ton of apps, but I like the adobe apps for iPad a lot. I think they have the right amount of features for me to draw or do whatever. It’s like JUST what I need… no bloat. It doesn’t feel hard to learn. You just kind of open it and it’s obvious what to do.  I use them to make vector drawing sketches that I pull into illustrator and refine. I use adobe capture a ton to make cool shapes and illustrations, too. I use these almost daily.

If you could make a app for keeping track of a routine what would be some of the features you would want?

I would want to sync up with others doing it too. Social really helps for me. I’d want it to keep track of what I’m doing, maybe remind me of the benefits of what I’m doing. That was something that really helped me when I quit smoking… your lungs are x better and your risk of x is x or whatever really helped me to see the benefit of continuing something that was fucking sooooo hard I wanted to quit a million times day. Six years later it’s hard to imagine that, like it really worked for me. So, I guess getting through the shittiness of starting and then reinforcing after I’ve picked up the habit.

Have you ever failed to stick to a routine? If so, why do you think that was?

Yeah, I can’t tell you how many diet and exercise routines I used to try. I think I always wanted to go whole hog instead of just accepting that a little bit at a time over time is better than a quick burst all at once. I think it has to be something that will fit into my normal life..,. I shouldn’t have to plan my whole fucking day around a routine just to stick to it. I don’t do well with anything regimented or with negative punshiment. Fuck that. So it has to feel good, be easy, and feel positive.

Do you have any medical conditions that you think might affect your ability to stick to a regular schedule or routine?

Not really. Allergies maybe.

Do you think your profession has an impact on your routine?

Yes. I think being a student puts me in a position of forcing myself into a certain structure of time. In my old job, I had a very consistent schedule and no work to take home. My husbands job is not like that. We have different routines. SO I dunno, maybe it’s profession, maybe it’s the level of job, maybe it’s personality.

To what degree do you think other people impact your routine?

A lot routines and things need support, and I think if someone else is against the change, it can make the change very hard to deal with. I think everyone in a household kind of has to be on board.

Would you be more likely to do something if someone else was holding you accountable?

Maybe, but not in like an authoritarian sense. Like not like a directive, but more collaborative, like we’re in it together. Like… my bestie and I like to walk, so we often encourage each other in that way, but the same is true… she’s my bestie so it’s just as easy to say “fuck it” because we know neither of us REALLY wants to do it, ya know?? So maybe it’d need to be someone I was less close to so the social pressure to maintain the habit was a little higher.

If we came back in [x number of] years to have this conversation again, what would you like to be different?

I think I will have a pretty routinized daily life that is hitting all the boxes of things I want to work on and accomplish. Ithink I will have built more “down time” into my schedule because right now I’m working way too fucking hard and I know I can’t keep this up.

Is there anything I’ve missed?

Maybe what inspires a change. So I want to walk more for the main reason of my health: I’m very sedentary and I’m worried that as I get older I will miss my “easy” chance at starting to exercise and incorporate something health related into my lifestyle. To be honest, my disconnection from my body is not surprising. It never felt like home to me. It felt inhospitable and like someone else’s body. Now that I’m on the path of having the body I want (through hormone replacement) I’m feeling a much deeper connection to my body and the way that it cares and provides for me. So, in many ways I regret the apathy and neglect I demonstrated toward my body during my youth. It’s hard to know that I did so much damage to my body in my younger years and that I can’t take that time back. So maybe some motivation for wanting to change. I’m starting a new life, and I need to think about what the life means and what I want out of it, if that makes sense. And the health of my body is central to my ability to live the life I want. So that’s why I want a better routine.

Is there anything you want to tell me?

Thank you for being a good friend. : )

Any questions?

[aion-rsa]

Imagine: The Ultimate Collection Review: John Lennon's Dreams Wake Up

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John Lennon's dreams mix with personal nightmares as Imagine: The Ultimate Collection bares its tracks.

Books

John Lennon's Imagine, which just saw the release of an Ultimate Collection spread across four CDs and two Blu-ray discs, is best known for its title song. "Imagine" envisioned an anti-authoritarian nutopia, without the need of heaven, hell, countries or border walls. Critics blasted Lennon's soft anthem as soft politics and the singer an armchair liberal who sent his protests via limousine. Elvis Costello chided "was it a millionaire who said imagine no possessions?" on his song "The Other Side of Summer."

Most of this is true. Lennon practically invented armchair liberalism, possibly inspired by Elvis Presley's Pink Cadillac tour of England, where the rock and roll legend sent only his prized automobile in lieu of personal appearances. The Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger went to the student protests. Lennon sent his MBE, the coveted piece of leather with a cardboard string given to The Beatles for their million dollar exports, back to Buckingham Palace via limo in protest of Britain's support of Vietnam, involvement in Biafra and his heroin withdrawal pang "Cold Turkey" slipping down the charts. Ineffective, in the long run, but funny, in that patented "witty Beatle" way. Sometimes Lennon wasn't even an armchair protester, he and Yoko Ono barely got out of bed for their wedding anniversary hotel peace tour.

Further reading: The Beatles’ Magical Mystery Tour Could Have Been a Great Prog Rock Classic

Lennon himself called "Imagine" "'Working Class Hero' for conservatives," referencing his autobiographically acoustic take on the social divide that included the word "fuck" twice for working class emphasis. But the Imagine album itself cuts much deeper than the peaceful dreams of an artist wanting to make a difference. Lennon takes aim at government in "Gimme Some Truth," with blaring, sneering slide guitars by George Harrison, who also aims his strings at Paul McCartney in the bitter rant "How Do You Sleep." He mocks the conscience-afflicted wealthy class in "Crippled Inside," and fuels the fear and anger behind righteous rage with propulsive and massive drums in "I Don't Want to Be a Soldier Mama I don't Want to Die." He also goes out on a limb in some of his most personal love songs and revealing snatches of self-consciousness. Lennon is as hard on himself as he is on the body politic in songs like "Jealous Guy."

Imagine was released in September 1971. Lennon recorded three solo experimental noise and spoken word albums with Yoko Ono while Beatle were still together: Unfinished Music No. 1: Two Virgins, Wedding Album and Unfinished Music No. 2: Life With the Lions, which all came out in  1969. None of them reached the artistic heights of "Revolution 9" off The Beatles album, better known as The White Album. The biggest controversy coming from a nude cover that record stores had to hide under a brown paper bag. John Lennon and the original Plastic Ono Band, which included Klaus Voorman, who drew the cover of The Beatles' Revolver album, on bass, Alan White on drums, and slow hand guitar master Eric Clapton on guitar, also released the moldy oldie set they performed live at the Toronto Peace Festival. Lennon recorded his Plastic Ono Band album in its purest form, which must have driven producer Phil Spector, renowned for his Wall of Sound, to distraction. But Lennon was in the throes of Primal Therapy and was undeterred in letting it all hang out.

Spector put strings on the Plastic Ono Band sentiment to make Imagine Lennon's first solo record to hit number one. The album is seen as the rhythm guitar and mouth organ player’s return to conventional pop. To fans of the Fab Four, Imagine almost sounded like a Beatles album.

Further reading: The Beatles: In Defense of Revolution 9

Phil Spector was known for his reverberating over-saturation which he also employed for George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass album. The live studio performances are stripped as raw as most of Lennon's vocals. The raw takes show a band with a purpose, the studio chatter, caught in the fourth CD, finds playful ways to inspire serious playing. The Raw Studio mixes are presented in 5.1 surround sound with Lennon in front and the band playing all around and behind. Highlights are the extended renditions of "I Don't Wanna Be A Soldier Mama I Don't Wanna Die," "How Do You Sleep?" and "Oh Yoko!" “It’s So Hard” features a beautiful sax track by the legendary King Curtis, who also blasts “I Don’t Wanna Be A Soldier Mama I Don’t Wanna Die” into another dimension.

The new expanded edition of the album brings the intimacy to the forefront, especially in the Raw Studio Mixes disk that captures Lennon and the Plastic Ono Band bashing through their performances live without overdub, echo or other studio affects. The album proper has been cleaned up for the Ultimate Mixes to allow for deeper definition and clarity, and the Quadrasonic Album Mix gives four speakers equal time for the first time in nearly fifty years.

Imagine - The Ultimate Collection also collects the singles which propelled the album to the top slot. They include "Power to the People," which opens with the line "You say you want a revolution," harking back to The Beatles' non-committal protest song "Revolution," and "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)." The now-holiday staple began as an anti-war song, recorded at the Record Plant in New York with session musicians and the Harlem Community Choir.

Also putting in an official appearance is the little-known single "Do the Oz," which was written to support the underground Oz magazine which had been hit with an obscenity charge, and the hitherto unknown "God Save us," two versions, one with a guest vocalist. The accompanying book is informative, and nicely packaged. It almost makes up for the missing postcard and poster which came with the original release.

The disc In The Studio and Deeper Listening features both surround sound and stereo mixes, along with Elliot Mintz's 29-minute compilation os interviews with John and Yoko. The Elements Mixes includes strings-only versions of "Imagine" and "How?," "Oh My Love" stripped of everything but the voice, and the piano, bass, and drums instrumentation for "Jealous Guy." The Evolution Documentary tells the full story of each song, presenting a fly-on-the wall take from the first writing and demo sessions to the final co-production with Spector. We hear tidbits like how Spector experimented with having Hopkins play the same lines on the same piano as Lennon, but on a higher octave.

Lennon began work on Imagine in February 1971, gathering Voormann, White, George Harrison and pianist Nicky Hopkins to house with him and Spector at Lennon's Georgian country home, Tittenhurst Park, in Berkshire, England, long enough to create a unified audio experience. The songs are diverse, as are the instrumentations. “Crippled Inside,” which has a wonderful dobro performance by Harrison, is a mocking retro-country stomp that could almost be a Skiffle song.

“Oh My Love” is such a straightforward romantic outpouring of devotional love, it is a wonder it isn't played at more weddings. Lennon is at his naturalistic best, lyrically appreciating the trees and skies for the first time through his lover's eyes. He is so lost in the newness of love, several years after meeting Yoko, he also includes the monogamously celebratory "Oh Yoko!" which closes on a positively giddly Bob Dylan style harmonica. But Lennon gives in to existential doubts for the song  “How,” where he asks “How can I go forward when I don’t know which way I’m facing?”

Further reading: Original Imagine Demo by John Lennon Surfaces

Lennon's personal blues usually start with a shade of green. "Jealous Guy” is a somber wake up call to the guy who sang "I'd rather see you dead, little girl, than to be with another man" on the Rubber Soul album song “Run for Your Life.” For such an emotional confession Lennon brought in extra support from friendly musicians, like Mike Pinder from The Moody Blues who he'd known since the Hamburg days. Pinder came in to do a Mellotron part, but the instrument acted up and he banged on a tambourine instead. Lennon also called on Joey Molland and Tom Evans of the Apple band Badfinger. They would also provide soft acoustic backing for Harrison, both on records and in the Concert for Banga Desh. The strings were done by members of the New York Philharmonic, who Lennon dubbed "the Flux Fiddlers." The song was famously, or infamously, covered by Roxy Music, but it doesn't touch Lennon's tortured vocals or baleful, though tuneful, whistling.

The term rock and roll began as a euphemism for sex and "It's So Hard" is pure rock and roll. It's got the I-IV-V twelve bar blues structure of the classics that drew Lennon to the genre, and it's got the sweaty beats to drive it against the wall. Lennon told Rolling Stone magazine that the Beatles first number one hit in England, "Please, Please Me," was about oral sex. The BBC banned the song “Happiness is a Warm Gun” from airplay in the United Kingdom because the singer was "going down." Lennon would at one point be busted for displaying erotic artwork of his lingual enjoyment of Yoko. Here he proclaims whether it's good, whether he's worried, or when things get really hard, sometimes he just feels like going down. He doesn't mince words.

Lennon's wordplay comes to the forefront when he takes on the hypocrisy of the Nixon administration in “Gimme Some Truth.” Tricky Dick hated the song so much he had his people try to deport Lennon and Ono in 1972. Lennon takes down everyone from tight-lipped, condescending, mama’s little chauvinists to schizophrenic-egocentric-paranoic-prima donnas in a proto-punk protest classic backed by the band at full-throttle and Harrison's slide set on incisive insinuation. The two guitarists paired again to pile on another inside threat.

Further reading: John Lennon's 'How Do You Sleep?' Footage Reveals Unrest

McCartney's second solo album Ram, which came out earlier in 1971, opened with the song “Too Many People” which included the line "Too many people preaching practices." Lennon caught the subtle dig and responded by posing while holding a pig by the ears in the postcard insert, and a blistering moment of classic rock for the needle. “How Do You Sleep” begins with an orchestra tuning up like Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart Clubs Band before Lennon, the dreamer of the song "Imagine" shatters that illusion with how the album took the melodic bassist by surprise. Lennon sets his lyrics on pun for lines like “the only thing you done was yesterday.” He references McCartney's more recent single "Another Day," by alluding to Harrison's charge that McCartney overplayed the bass part on "Something" and mocks the cute Beatle for his pretty face. “How Do You Sleep” is supposedly a character assassination of Paul McCartney, but Lennon also admits he was writing about himself. He knows he would also "jump when your mama tell you anything.”

Further reading: Original Imagine Demo by John Lennon Surfaces

This brings us to the title song. "Imagine" began life as the song "Child of Nature," which he wrote when the Beatles went to India in 1968. John Lennon composed the song in one session, sitting at the iconic white grand piano featured in a poster that came with the original album. The new collection includes a sparse home recording of Lennon on piano and vocal. Lennon revels in the naiveté of the dreamer as he imagined something that seemed unimaginable in a world made bitter after incidents like the Ohio National Guard troops killing four protesting students at Kent State University. The lyrics were inspired by Ono's "event scores" in her 1964 book Grapefruit. Lennon later admitted to writer David Sheff the song should have been credited to Lennon-Ono. “Imagine" has been labeled communist, anti-American, anti-British, anti-establishment and atheistic. But Lennon also cited a Christian prayer book given to him by comedian and activist Dick Gregory as inspiration.

The song has gone on to be a universal anthem that touches all generations and has been transcribed to all genres. Liza Minnelli, Stevie Wonder, Neil Young, Lady Gaga, Willie Nelson, Pearl Jam, Elton John, Ray Charles, Madonna, Diana Ross, Herbie Hancock, Joan Baez, Avril Lavigne and Chris Cornell have performed it.

The John Lennon/Plastic One Band album is considered Lennon's most naked and raw. His lyrics are direct, without the psychedelic wordplay of his Beatles works. His solutions as primal as the therapy he was shouting. Imagine isn't as spontaneous as Plastic Ono Band, but it is equally revealing. The new discs reveal even more. Imagine - The Ultimate Collection is available now.

Culture Editor Tony Sokol cut his teeth on the wire services and also wrote and produced New York City's Vampyr Theatre and the rock opera AssassiNation: We Killed JFK. Read more of his work here or find him on Twitter @tsokol.

Read and download the Den of Geek NYCC 2018 Special Edition Magazine right here!

5/5

Music

John Lennon

The Beatles

Review Tony Sokol

Oct 5, 2018

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[ulyssessklein]

“You work hard or you die.” (An interview with Portugal. The Man)

How a mid-level indie-rock band became the crossover stars of 2017.

Portugal. The Man works hard.

Like, really hard. I mean, they create adventurous and catchy music too. But after talking to Portugal. The Man, I get the sense that the quality of their music has a lot to do with work ethic as well.

They credit that work ethic to an upbringing in Alaska, a place where “you work hard, or you die.” The now-Portland-based band has gone through stretches where they’ve put out an album annually, toured 300 days a year, and still found time to make videos, launch creative promo campaigns, and run their own label.

After signing to Atlantic that workload has only increased, along with their success.

And despite all the hard work (or maybe because of it), the band’s biggest song to-date, “Feel It Still,” which hit #1 earlier this year on the Alternative, AAA, Hot AC, and Spotify US Viral charts, arrived almost effortlessly.

I talked to Portugal. The Man’s founding-member, bassist, and backup singer Zach Carothers about the band’s success, work ethic, the creative ways they’ve brought their music into the world, and where their tour is headed…

An interview with Zach Carothers from Portugal. The Man

CR: So you’re going to Mexico next?

ZC: I’m really excited about that. We have a blast in Mexico. It’s pretty much the most fun place. There’s something about it, the crowds down there are just fucking nuts. It’s really amazing. They go bonkers, for sure.

CR: Awesome. And it’s a good time of year to be down there. So I’ll just jump in with some questions: I know you guys have been releasing music for more than a decade and had a lot of success at a certain level, but obviously “Feel It Still” is kind of the monster hit of your career so far. Besides it just being a good song, I guess I’m wondering: why now? What did you do differently to push this one over the top?

ZC: Yeah, it was weird. Honestly, it’s incredibly frustrating because it was far and away the easiest song we’ve ever written. We had it pretty much done in about an hour. We were working on a different song, and John kinda took a break in a side room and picked up a bass and started playing that bass line. And our buddy Asa Taccone from Electric Guest who was working on something else at the time, heard it and threw a mic on the bass amp and said “lemme get that real quick.”

I think what it was is just the fun we started having. Asa started dancing around the room. He’s a theater kid. He’s very animated. And we are not like that in the studio. We are pretty dark and self-loathing, and always talking shit to each other. And he just started kinda dancing and banging on the desk and making a little fake beat for us to write to, and whooping into the mic and pitching it, and said “Ya got any ideas? Lyrics? Let’s come up with some stuff.” So we just started coming up with lyrics, and singing stuff.

And within about an hour we pretty much had the song done. And I think what was different was that it was just the most natural songwriting process. And honestly we didn’t really know what we had either. We basically finished it in that first day, and then we took a couple months to do what we do, which is absolutely overthink everything and try a million different things. But all we really changed in the end was we put a real drum beat on it and kinda changed the bass a little bit. But besides that we kept it the same. And it was funny, we almost changed the chorus right at the last minute, two weeks before we put it out, because we did completely use the Marvelette’s “Please Mr. Postman” line for the chorus. And honestly, we tried it with a bunch of different melodies and just it didn’t seem right. A lot of times we’ll sing somebody else’s lyrics or somebody else’s melody just as a placeholder, when we can’t think of anything, and then we’ll change it later. And he put down the please mr. postman melody and we just couldn’t really hear anything else. We tried a bunch of different stuff, I’m like “Man, it’s clearly just not as good as the ‘Mr. Postman’ melody,” so in the end we just decided to ask the songwriters if we could license it, and it worked out.

That’s cool. So I know leading up to the new record, you’d been working for many years on an album that you ended up throwing out right?

Yeah.

You said about “Feel It Still” that you kinda didn’t know what you had. Do you think that could’ve also been the case with the stuff that didn’t get released?

We had amazing stuff on that record we threw away; it just wasn’t the right time. It wasn’t something that needed to be heard right now. We had written everything. We’d been working with Danger Mouse and Mike D from the Beastie Boys, and we had some of the best lyrics and best songs we’ve ever done, but at that same time, right when we were finishing up… I don’t know if you read the news but… shit started going a little crazy with American politics.

A certain someone got elected?

Yeah, yeah. And we were finishing up that record before he got elected and it was turning that way. And yeah, then he got elected, and we couldn’t just put out an album that said literally nothing about that. It was all cool stuff we had, but it had nothing to do with anything that was going on in a world that was drastically changing. And so it was kinda freaking us out; we’d just spent all this time and all this money on music that we thought was amazing but we took too long and the world didn’t stop turning. The world had changed before we could finish our album. So we decided to scrap it and just redo the whole thing.

I understand completely. It feels like THE important thing you can do as an artist. I think “People Say” was probably the first song of yours I heard. I don’t know if you consider that a political song, but it’s definitely a socially useful song, so it’s cool to know you sort of returned to that well.

Oh, for sure. And it’s funny because both of those ideas — for us to go back in and re-record was all John’s dad’s idea pretty much; or not his idea, but he was the guy who inspired us to do it — and then it’s funny: “People Say” was actually his idea too.

We were hanging out in Alaska a long time ago and we were watching a Pete Seeger documentary or something like that, and we were over just hanging out at John’s dad’s house. Me and his family were always super tight; everybody’s always hanging out together. And yeah, he just looked over while watching this and said “Ya know, I haven’t heard a good protest song in quite a while. You guys should write a protest song.”

And we were like ‘fuck yeah.’

And we always do protest songs a lot more mellow. I grew up on Rage Against the Machine, and we can’t do that, but we definitely have to throw in our two cents on a smaller level. We’ve gotta say something.

And John’s dad,… that was the whole reason we called the new album Woodstock. It was him asking us what was taking so long with the album and then he’d just recently found his original ticket stub to Woodstock, and there was something about holding that and hearing all those stories. I knew he’d been to Woodstock; I’d heard those stories before, but it just kinda hit us harder and seeing all the similarities with what’s happening today — we live in Portland, where there’s protests every other day —  and ya know, seeing all the signs in the street and people coming together it’s just really made us sit down, pick up our instruments, get back into the studio, and get to it.

So I probably wouldn’t ask you this if you were from any other state, but I know a lot of people from Alaska who have that place imprinted on them, so is there a way that growing up there has informed your sensibilities, either as a songwriter or creatively, or just how you go about being in a band?

Oh, absolutely. One, it definitely instills a very serious work ethic in us. You work hard in Alaska, or you die. You freeze to death if you don’t.

And we grew up building houses, washing dishes, working at warehouses. We grew up working, and so I think we took that kind of theory into music. And so for years before we signed to Atlantic, we were pumping out an album a year and playing 300 shows a year. And I think it was just out of necessity, but that was our practice. Instead of going to school we were writing music and trying to get better until we thought that we were ready to sign to a major label and do things at that level.

We weren’t ready when we first signed, honestly. Our first Atlantic album we got thrown in with big producers and a big studio and we got thrown in the deep end and we started drowning for a while. It was not a good experience. But we finally made it through. We came out of there and every album we’ve learned more about ourselves, ya know?

Alaska, it’s a place where you really kinda have to know yourself. There’s not a lot of outside influence, which made us very hungry to get out and see the world. But it also gave us enough space and time to figure out what we wanted to do.

So when you say that you felt like you were drowning when you first signed to Atlantic, was it pressure, or just a ‘fish out of water’ feeling?

A little bit of both. And honestly Atlantic was always cool. We put the pressure on ourselves. We always do. It’s always us. We still do. We thrive in that kind of thing and we do it to ourselves. We basically do things wrong, but we do things in OUR way. They sent us in with producers who wanted to hear demos and to write songs before we came in, we don’t really do that; we normally go into the studio and write, and we had never done it with other people. It ended up being fine; it just took a little bit of getting used to.

And we weren’t in a good place mentally as far as the band went. It was dark days. The darkest days as far as us not getting along. People really going crazy. Very, very mentally unhealthy. So it was a combination of a million things going on. And the fact that we made it through that really made us stronger.

That’s what the whole next album was about; Evil Friends was pretty much about that terrible time, a terrible time between me and John mostly. But we got out of it. It’s crazy. There were a lot of things going on that are hard to explain to some people; it’s like the relationship with bandmates, I’d say it’s like a marriage but there are five of you, and a crew, and everybody’s children depend on you, and the manager’s children, and even in a marriage you go to work different places for ten hours a day.

And you don’t get the break…

Yeah, breakfast, lunch, dinner, it’s just on… forever. It’s like being brothers who are business partners AND married all at the same time. And it’s fucking wild. Some days are really good days and some days are really bad days. But a lot of people ask, of all the things we’ve got to do, what is the most amazing thing, your biggest accomplishment, and my answer is: “I can’t believe we’ve stayed together.” That has been the biggest accomplishment, it’s been the hardest thing, and it’s been nuts, but that’s unbelievable.

Do you feel like being at the center of this team of people — the crew, booking agency, publicists— do you feel like managing all the moving parts comes naturally?

It’s all worked out. We did a lot of the stuff ourselves in the beginning, and then once we got more help we took a little while to let go, but honestly we have the best crew in the world now; we’ve got the best manager, the best booking agent, the best lawyer, the best label, our road crew is insane. It’s all one big highly dysfunctional family.

But everybody’s got there thing, strengths and weaknesses, and we just try to figure out what those are and look around and when somebody has traits that aren’t good in some way, somebody else steps in that has stronger ways of dealing with that, and vice versa. Collectively, between all these people involved, we make one okay guy that does pretty good stuff. Which is essentially the whole idea behind “Portugal. The Man” anyway — an alter-ego for one person, and all of our parts equal that guy that goes out and does good things.

Yeah, it’s like a collective individual…

Yeah, Voltron, ya know?

So one thing that’s always impressed me about your band is that rather than just saying “hey, we’ve got a new song; we’re gonna put it out,” there’s always some special hook. You’ve got the interactive video with the social prompts, and the Wieden+Kennedy pop-up thing, so I’m wondering how hands-on are you guys with those things? And what’s it like coming up with ideas for your campaigns and then having other agencies execute on them?

OH, we’re very involved with that kind of stuff. That’s always been extremely interesting to us. We’ve always loved the marketing side of music, and just business in general, but we have fun with that.

There’s always so much more that you can do than just a song, or just a video that goes with the song, and so we’re always coming up with ideas. And that’s how we started working with Wieden+Kennedy in the beginning, We’ve been friends with those guys for years, and they are just the smartest, funniest people we know, so that’s what we do; we go and have dinner and drinks with those guys and pretty much just brainstorm ideas, and sometimes it’s for our band and sometimes we just end up making fake business models and laughing. That’s just how we entertain ourselves.

And then it was crazy, we had an album coming out and we were having one of those nights, and then one of our buddies at Wieden+Kennedy said “hey, we’re a creative agency. We don’t do things normally.”

They’re always being very creative, helping businesses get out of the mindset that things have to look a certain way. And to spike creativity the boss lets them have a budget to just work on some fun projects. And we’re friends and we had an album coming out and we’re like “hey, want to make some music videos and come up with some ideas and actually work together instead of just sitting around talking shit like we usually do?”

So hell yeah, we got to make a few videos with them. And “Feel It Still” was the first one, and it was awesome. We kinda came up with the idea and they figured things out. They’re incredibly smart people, and we trust them.

So to change gears here, I’m wondering, if you could put yourself in the shoes of someone who’s just getting out there on the road for the first time, do you feel like in the world of digital distribution and YouTube and analytics and all this stuff that there’s still value in getting in the van and playing a bunch of shitty gigs in small towns?

Oh yeah. That’s how you get good, man. That’s how you prove it. In this day and age, you can write amazing songs in your bedroom with a computer. You don’t even have to be a musician, there’s some programs that pretty much make it like a video game. I mean, I don’t really trash those artists either, like some of the DJs, a lot of musicians say “Oh, that’s not real,” it’s a different thing, but some of those DJs are unbelievably talented: you have to have good taste, and you can tell the music is inside them; you just let it out through our fingers differently I think.

And we’re definitely more old school. Ya know, we still show up to festivals being one of the few bands that doesn’t have a laptop somewhere on stage running tracks. Nah, nah, we’re 47 inputs of weird analog synths. That’s just how we prefer to do it, and I think that’s the reason we’ve gotten so far. People can write a good song in their bedroom, but you’ve gotta go out on tour and prove that you can play it, and that makes it a whole other thing. And if you can do both, that’s where the magic really happens.

And also, as I said earlier, we’re just hungry to see the world. And if that’s how you do things now, sure you can get big off a YouTube video, and I know people that have had #1 songs that were made in living rooms, but you gotta get out there and prove it if you want it to last.

Prove it to yourself, or to the audience, or…

Yeah, to yourself and everybody else. I mean, live music is never gonna go away. There’s so many things now: you can watch concert footage from all over the world with bands that aren’t even alive anymore. But people want to go feel it; they need the giant speakers; they need that bass pulsing through their bodies. They need sweat. They need beer. They need to get out and let loose.

Now more than ever?

I definitely think now more than ever.

Thanks to Zach for making time to talk. If you’d like to check out Portugal. The Man’s music, visit their website.

[Photo by Maclay Heriot.]

The post “You work hard or you die.” (An interview with Portugal. The Man) appeared first on DIY Musician Blog.

[anautisticdragon-blog]

Humanity's Love Affair with the Sociopath

Sigh. This one's been a long time coming, I've been putting it off because it's such a big topic, but I need to talk about it eventually because it's at the core of everything I've ever talked about. It's my problem with the Zeitgeist, and with contemporary society today. It's my beef, it grins my gears, and it's something you've never asked yourself.

Why do you love sociopaths?

The media is partly to blame, it always is. We've seen an evolution of character types across the decades, from the friendly person with the heart of gold from the idealistic '80s doing all it can to avoid the inherent, inborn corruption of humanity, to the more earnest depiction of an abrasive, incredibly cynical person with a heart of gold from the '90s. From Ninja Turtles to John Constantine, they all had something in common.

They had a heart. They all had compassion, empathy, and no matter how cynical some of those '90s characters could get, underneath it all there was still a basic belief in humanity. A compassion that drove them to always do the right thing despite their bitterness at an uncaring world, an untainted moral compass that never swerved away from wanting what was best. For everyone, with no one left out. An end to the suffering people unjustly endured at the hands of those without a soul.

At some point, we started cheering on the villain. The abyssal creature without a soul, the demonic presence that had no heart to speak of, never you mind one of stone. It became so 'kewl' to be the con man, robbing old ladies for all their worth, spitting on the heroic figures who'd heretofore showed children the consequences of such actions.

It all comes down to the rise of extraversion and how it's tainted to its very core. It might sound like a horrible way to think, but there's just too much evidence to support it and there's going to be a lot of that in this post. I've learned that it isn't 'Humanity are Bastards,' as the trope goes, but rather 'Extraverts are Bloody Psychopaths,' just within varying degrees.

Why do you think the Nigerian scam mails worked? Affiliative extraverts thought themselves clever, they'd 'play' the poor prince, get him to open up and trust them so that they could get that big, juicy slice of money. And then? They'd not give it back! 10 per cent! Why have such a meagre pittance when you could take this 'innocent prince' for all he's worth? What a lark, take that silly sod to the cleaners for trusting you!

Didn't work out that way, eh extraverts?

As good as extraverts think they are at 'playing the game,' sociopaths are a billion times better. And affiliative extraverts seem almost wired to fall for it. It might be a survival instinct to obey the strongest, and thus be seeen as such by proxy, so sociopathic behaviour is desirable because it exudes airs of 'strength.' Even when that 'strength' gets your bank account cleaned out because you thought you were being bloody clever.

Instead of falling arse over tit for a stupid, stupid con.

It's why we have cults of personality... right? Just the affiliatives trying to emulate the 'strong,' trying to be 'strong' by proxy. All looking to the 'strong' for guidance, for will, to do what they bloody can't. Trying to behave like them in order to gain favour. Whether it's Steve Jobs, Donald Trump, or any charismatic sack of ichorous waste, whatever the Wastrel of the Day is, if they're manipulative enough, the affiliatives will follow.

It happens on all kinds of scales. All kinds. You'd have to be the world's shiniest example of a Joe bloody Soap to not see it, and people don't. These cults of personality pop up everywhere. And I have to pick out an obscure favourite of mine so that people won't be too invested in it, if you're seeing this from an outside perspective, you might actually catch on. So, what manner of dirtbag is going to serve as my example?

I'm going to use one that was never of criminal intent, though a generally scummy person nonetheless. Chris Avellone. In video game circles you might have heard of him, most do I'd think, and they worship him without even really knowing why. Why? Well, he's a sociopath, isn't he? Anyone with the brass clackers enough to lead a cult of personality always is.

Nature of the beast.

What'd he do? Let's see. He wrote a Fallout Bible and claimed to have absolute creative veto over the IP, for one thing. If a designer or writer had anything contradictory to say on the matter? He'd passive-aggressively mock them in his 'Bible.' That he called it a bible is more than a bit telling, don't you think? That's not indicative of off the charts narcissistic arrogance at all. Oh no, not even a little bit. No, no...

So let's look at the characters he's proud of including in video games, shall we? Kreia, from Knights of the Old Republic: A soapbox for Avellone's seedy, unbalanced views and a sociopath. Ulyssess, from New Vegas: See Kreia. Weeping Mother, from Pillars of Eternity: See Kreia. Sensing a pattern, yet? Ulysses wanted to nuke everyone back into a fresh apocalyptic state, it's what humanity deserved, he just wanted to watch them burn.

Avellone has often said that that's what he'd wish for the Fallout franchise. That's not worrying at all, right? Okay, how about how in a recent interview, with all of the cocksure arrogance of a sociopath, he told an interviewer that he prefers 'smart evil?' He'd prefer to 'talk two people into killing one another' rather than actually save anyone. Or Tyranny, which was Avellone's brainchild? That was a world of villainy and evil, lead by sociopaths... Cor, have to wonder if you're sensing a pattern yet. I am.

Oh, and he took an ending out of a game that allowed a group of sapient creatures a future, and a chance at happiness. Why? They weren't human, he believed that their purpose in the story was to die and suffer. Oh yes, did I mention that Avellone is a bit of a crackpot?

And yet people love him.

So, let's move onto a fictional example. Rocket Raccoon was originally an abrasive character with a heart of gold, much like John Constantine. I adored him. That's when he was written by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning. Did you know that Rocket had a different origin than the dreary rot the films put him through? He was originally a fluffy artificial life form created to help the mentally disabled and disturbed. In DnA's run on Guardians of the Galaxy, Rocket was a really nice fellah, reliable, and a genius. Definitely a bit rough around the edges, to be sure, but a stand up bloke nonetheless.

So, Rocket Raccoon is handed over to Bendis. Brian Michael Bendis...

Brian "Misogyny'n snuff porn is my bag, yo!" Bendis. Brian "I think it's super funny when Elektra gets kicked hard in the vagina by a guy, especially when the onomatopoeia is FOOM!" Bendis. Brian "If a woman didn't get shot in the head in this issue, I didn't write it!" Bendis. Brian "I hate Grant Morrison and Alan Moore just because they're British and that scares me!" Bendis. Brian "It's so funny whenever Tigra gets humiliated, stripped down, forced to do naughty things on camera, and then gets brutally raped by white villains. 'Cause I hate her and that makes it funny! Hehe!" Bendis. Brian "When I write Doctor Doom, he gets to call a woman a 'fat cow whore' and it's totally in character!" Michael God Damn Fucking Bendis.

So, yes, Bendis is also a sociopath. We won't talk about that, here, though. I think I've already covered my grievances above well enough. Suffice it to say though that this man has a history of being shitty to women in comics. And you can probably guess what happens to Rocket, right? Rocket is now a misogynistic sociopath. Hooray. He's a massive arsehole. And not the kind that has a heart of gold, of course. Oh no, not even slightly. He's just a humongous pile of shit.

Cheers, Bendis. You desperate, oversexed and sexually frustrated tosspot. I don't want to be around for the next character you drag over hot coals. That, loves, is why I no longer 'Make Mine Marvel.' More like, 'Take Thine Garble... and shove it where the sun don't shine!' I'm sorry, I have to be facetious, I can't make it through this any other way.

The world is just obsessed with sociopathy.

Take a running kick at a cat's skull to post up on Youtube? Haha, it's funny! Grab a dolphin out of its water, toss it around and abuse it on camera for the purpose of selfies? It's fiiine! When did we start excusing this kind of shit? When did we begin to turn a blind eye? When did it become okay for some charismatic, inbred pigfucker to ruin Britain for everyo--Okay, now I'm getting too specific, aren't I?

That's the truth of it, though. All it takes is charisma and a Machiavellian mind and you can get away with anything! You can be the world's biggest dickhole and people will just cheer you on, no matter what you do! It doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process, does it? And that's where this pus-filled bubo on the face of humanity I 'affectionately' call the Alt-Blight rose from. This is the kind of hell we're living in where somone can have people genuinely think they're hot shit and the greatest new thing since sliced bloody bread for driving a car into a crowd of peaceful protestors!

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD???

I come back to Rocket Raccoon in my head. A fluffy critter made to help out the mentally infirm and troubled, reinvented in this cool, hip new age of rabid sociopathy to be a psychopathic, crazy cyborg killer. Why?

Why any of this?

Extraverts.

It's the conclusion I keep coming to and the one I can never get away from. It's what I pointed out when I linked that video from Mike Rowlands just a li'l bit back where he was pointing out how an Alt-Blight arsehat was being a filthy, pathological liar. In one shot, putting on a sob story about how his ilk are just 'peaceful,' not at all violent like the left, and so unfairly 'persecuted for having wrong opinions,' boo-hoo; In another shot, shown counting and bragging about his many, many, many guns.

Extraverts are enablers. They're a hoard, a hive, a buzzing little collective of workers that empower sociopaths by being taken in by them, granting these nutcases power beyond reckoning through their sheer numbers. This is how Trump happened, becasue affiliative extraverts are so easily brainwashed, conditioned, and tricked. All you have to do is convince them they're being clever, that they're in the 'in crowd,' that their chosen social tribe is the most hip, happenin', 'kewl' one out there? And they will, each and every one, collectively swear a holy blood oath to a known murderer.

And thanks to that, we're in a position where it's 'cool' to be a sociopath, psychopath, or other kind of crazy. it's 'seductive,' it's 'hot,' it's 'alluring,' it's 'pull your heads out of your fucking arses.' This isn't Twilight. It's 'strong,' it's 'powerful,' it's 'money,' it's 'stop being so damn deluded while the world dies around you.' With readily denied real issues rotting the world we live on, like global warming and overpopulation, this earth's not going to be around much longer. So why?

Why?

Do you just not care about your children? At all? Or your grand kids?

You bunch of bloody soggy-brained lunatics. That's all I can really say on the matter, isn't it? Singing and dancing while the world burns around you. You bloody lunatics.

I'm just going to talk a liittle about something personal that means a bit to me before I wrap this up. It's even managed to invade the furry community, to worrying degrees. When the Internet was younger, when there were few extraverts (because the Internet was wickedly complicated and they'd not the salted noodles enough to figure it out), the furry fandom was such a genuinely lovely place. It was. You should've seen Furcadia at its height, it was lovely. There were these little communities hosted on servers called MUCKS where fantastically brilliant, singular people got together to dream and imagine things only the brightest furry minds would.

It's why there were a lot of furries involved in video game development in the '90s and early '00s, you know? True story. Look into it. Dr. Cat is but one example. Anyway, it was good. And now? The Alt-Blight have invaded these MUCKs, chased all of the light and wonder away, so these are now tainted, festering hellholes of hatred. It's bizarre to walk through them again and, crestfallen, see how that cancer has made them sick with bile.

Even furries now have to deal with the Alt-Blight. I'm sure a lot of furries might think it's cool. That's the friggernaffin' Zeitgeist, isn't it? Sociopathy is so cool, hot, powerful, and sexy, and a giant taintfest of hatred, let's please never forget that part. It's a very important part, I think.

So it's everywhere. I feel like it's overtaking everything that ever meant something to me. So this is a fight. It has to be. In its own way, this is a war. This is the most abstract war anyone's ever fought. It's a war fought by abstracts against abstracts. It's a war fought against hatred, by compassion; It's a war fought against intolerance, by acceptance; It's a war fought against arrogance, by knowledge; It's a war fought against propaganda, by independent thought; It's a war fought against collectivism, by creativity; It's a war fought against the worst of us, by the best of us.

So, you know. I might be an abrasive buttface, and that's fine, because my heart's always in the right place. I'm not a misogynist, I don't abuse animals, I'm hardly about to run a car into a crowd of people... I think this defines the very opposite of who I am. I've chosen my side. I think that's something we all have to do, now, because it's necessary. Because this is happening and we're not going to be able to hide our heads in the sand any longer.

I get to choose to be 'a poncy, SJW, politically correct sissboy' or... well, a monster. An actual monster. Which is what they are. It might be evangelical, but it's how we have to look at the world, now. So I'm proud to be an SJW, I've said it in the past. I couldn't be more proud, I couldn't be happier! I derive great personal worth from this, because I'm not a monster.

Monsters of yore might have had scales or fur, they might've been fifty stories tall or come in flying saucers. The monster of today has white skin, they're not that tall, either, and they certainly didn't arrive in flying saucers. No, these monsters are home-grown. They're our monsters. And we have to recognise them as such.

If you see a Nazi, say Nazi. That's what every sociopath, psychopath, and associated nutjob out there is going to be. The Alt-Blight, what have you? Nazi. Even ex-neo Nazis will tell you that the Alt-Blight are Nazis.

So can we stop glorifying and empowering monsters now, please?

This is a dark time in history, one of those things where the younger generations will look back and shake their heads in such terrible shame. So let's come out swinging and put this Nazi blight to rest. Once and for all.

Citations

Abused Cat Abused Dolphin Avellone Prefers Sociopathy Example of Bendis's Sociopathy Alt-Blight Furry Troubles Alt-Blight MUCK Taint Alt-Blight Brainwashing

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, 4.14.2007 + 4.15.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week. today: buttrock confessions

4.14.2007

40) "Ticks," Brad Paisley

So I watched the whole entire CMAs instead of Game 7 of the World Series and don't regret a single choice I made (the game went into extras, you don’t really have to watch baseball until the ninth inning tbh), and it struck me how much of a dorky theatre kid Brad Paisley was. He's objectively a great guitarist, like hokey as this song is and as little I know about music I think that's a dope fucking guitar line, but gosh darn, he was trying so hard the whole time at those CMAS! And that puts a song like this in perspective, because, like I said, it's hokey as fuck, but if you can just understand that Brad Paisley's sense of humor is that of someone who understands that being funny is a way to be Liked and is trying his best to be Liked, it sort of comes together and you can brush it off.

75) "We Takin' Over," DJ Khaled ft./T.I., Akon, Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Lil' Wayne, Baby

FUCK DUDE LIL' WAYNE USED TO BE GOOD. Like OK I think we all know I wanted to come here and be like "look at the humble beginnings of the meme man! He wasn't such a meme in these days!" but then there was a Lil' Wayne verse where he wasn't fucking around with Auto-tune, he was just rapping, and he was such a good fucking rapper that I'm actually angrier at the two "verses" he had on those Nicki Minaj songs a couple weeks back. It's not even one of his more notable verses, I don't think, it was just a normal 10-year-old Wayne verse, but I'm still here like, what a treat, a Lil' Wanye feature I don't mind! How lucky we were in 2007!

78) "Little Wonders," Rob Thomas

it is good to remember things that are nice! the lyric video i watched for this song ended with this message from the editor: "Believe in yourself, follow your dreams, and never, EVER give up =)." i would have much rather someone had just repeated those words over and over for three and a half minutes than listened to this song. DANNY ELFMAN?! fuck are you doing here, danny elfman? are you lost?

79) "Hey There Delilah," Plain White T's

There is nothing I could say about this song that would be worth saying.

82) "I Tried," Bone Thugs-N-Harmony ft./Akon

a'ight, see, now i feel better about bumping pink and jordan pruitt from the top 20, because it won't be some buttrock heroes what bumps 'em, it'll be a legit impressive, heartfelt song. i'm kinda surprised i don't remember this! now i just gotta contend with the fact most of both top 20s are gonna be dudes. but like most of these songs are dudes. this week is all dudes. next week is a 7:2 dude-to-lady ratio. last week was 2:1. maybe less dudes? idk, recency bias is doin' work, but at least two weeks from now, we're gonna get some dope tunes.

87) "Get Buck," Young Buck

HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKING BEAT THE TUBA HAS NEVER HAD A BETTER DAY IN ITS LIFE. OK, this is the first 2007 track I think has been unjustifiably forgotten by time. “Say OK” hit me, but I think that was just a moment for me. This is objectively a classic, this fucking beat, man. Young Buck doesn't add a ton to the proceedings, but he doesn't ruin anything, his gruff, shouty flow is perfect for the beat, and I'll admit, I got a dark chuckle out of the "I can serve Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown" line. This was fuckin' rad, y'all, the best "new to me" song I've heard so far. Seriously this beat, how have we not found a better home for it, how did no one else latch onto it. A strong silver medalist in the "Southern rap songs with the word 'buck' in the title" category.

89) "A Woman's Love," Alan Jackson

Alan Jackson, last seen walking out on Beyonce's performance at the CMAs, is here singing a jaunty tune about how one time he fucked.

91) "Love Today," MIKA

i mean it's just a good song, man, i dunno. i'm allowed to just say when a song is solid and something i can jam to, right, when i don't think i have anything to justify? it's low-rent scissor sisters. I'LL TAKE THAT ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. solid week.

95) "Forever," Papa Roach

...oh goddamnit i love this song. No, you don't... Lemme explain. I need to explain, so lemme. So, I listened to a lot of the local buttrock station in my teens, because that's what the radio at the auto shop where I worked was always tuned to, was 93X. And, I dunno, there's a lot of bullshit I forgot and a lot of shit too horrible to purge from the mind, I've heard the acoustic version of Staind's "Outside" more times than any man ever should, but there were some songs where the Stockholm Syndrome hit, and you were like, "Well, maybe Chevelle isn't ALL bad." This was definitely the point where I was like, "Hey, this is the one decent Papa Roach song!" I was legit angry when I realized this was that song, I forgot I ever loved a Papa Roach song, I was 10000% sure this was a cover because there was no way I was going to go anywhere but IN on this song, but no, this is a song I shouted in the shower at least five times. I'm so disappointed in myself right now, but... But, yeah, this is, I can’t quite place where they cribbed the verses from but they cribbed well, the chorus is shouty and fake-deep like all the great buttrock songs, and I love that ending, the “one last kiss” thing over that bass line, without reservation. We have to be true to who we were, and who we are is never fully removed from who we were. I hate this. I hate having to admit this. THE ONE PAPA ROACH SONG I FUCK WITH, AND IT HAS TO BE PART OF THIS PROJECT. I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT A KENDRICK LAMAR SONG SOON, AND HERE I AM, FUCKING WITH A PAPA ROACH SONG, THROWING MY CRITICAL AUTHORITY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER.

97) "Breath," Breaking Benjamin

I have less reservations about loving a Breaking Benjamin song, though, because Breaking Benjamin wasn't fake-deep like Papa Roach. ("My feelings for you are forever." God, that's stupid. I love a very stupid thing.) No, Breaking Benjamin was legit dark, they were a buttrock band I knew was OK because my friend who ended up going to a semi-prestigious art high school of some renown was into them. Is it the same song as "The Diary of Jane?" Yeah, kinda, there's more than a little resemblance, "THE DIARY OF JANE" IS A LEGIT GREAT SONG AND BITING THAT SONG IS A SMART MOVE.

At least Papa Roach couldn’t crack the Top 20. 2007: gaining strength! 20) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 19) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 18) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 17) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 16) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 15) "I Tried," by Bone Thugs 'n Harmony (4.21.2007) 14) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 13) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 12) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 11) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.21.2007) 10) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 9) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 8) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 7) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 6) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 5) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.21.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007)

4.15.2017

22) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar

I mean, with the way I do this thing, everything that's been said about this song has been said, and I'm hella late to the party, trying to get another round of Pin the Tail on the Donkey started. "You didn't have fun without me, I'm about to have fun WITH you!" No Bob! we already played that game Bob!. "BLINDFOLD ME!" I think it's vitally important that Kendrick Lamar remind everyone that he's the best MC alive right now, because he is, and gosh, he just fucking raps for four minutes. Barely a hook, just Kendrick Lamar verses and flows for a solid four minutes, and I'm really curious how many rappers could sustain a song for four (mostly) uninterrupted minutes just on their own. Minimalist production, it's just your voice and your words. I'd put Danny Brown in that category, but it'd be a bleak-ass four minutes. I want to put Killer Mike in that category, but I have to think there's a reason he works best in a duo. I'd want to listen to what four minutes of undiulted Young Thug would sound like?, but more out of curiosity than belief in his ability. And I mean Kendrick's the only one in the popular consciousness who could do it, no fuckin’ question, there's no one in the mainstream rap world anywhere NEAR his level. (Kendrick Lamar is barely mainstream, of course, and that fact is a source of much consternation on this song, like there's no way the entire Kendrick album breaks the Hot 100 like the entire Drake album did, but he was in a Tay Tay song the one time and that's enough.) Just listening to Kendrick Lamar rap is one of the most thrilling songs I've heard for YAS 2017. Honestly, I'm ranking it too low in the Top 20, but only because I have to think better things are on their way and am wary of that recency bias wave.

49) "XO Tour Lif3," by Lil Uzi Vert

Congratulations on being the modern rap song which followed "The Heart Part 4!" You were always going to suffer in comparison, and while I regret that it happened to you, I hope you understand it had to happen to someone. I mean, this is a three-minute song, and at some point I got bored enough that I forgot I was supposed to be paying attention to come up with an observation and/or a joke and did other things. Not even shit I needed to take care of, I checked Facebook and thought about getting a glass of milk until he started saying all his friends are dead, like what?, oh okay I guess that's how this song ends then, OH FUCK well prolly not worth dipping back in if I got that distracted.

61) "Speak to a Girl," by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

So over the last four weeks, only three women have had tracks debut on the Hot 100. That's pretty cool. One of the three dudes who wrote this song, about what a girl REALLY wants from a man, was also a co-writer on Jason Derulo's "Wiggle," which is, I mean, I'm going off Wikipedia, I'm hopeful this is too awful to be true, but if it isn't, how does that dude sleep at night? What does that dude believe in? Who is his god, just, to what moral authority is our man Joe London holding himself accountable? Do Not Trust Joe London. Another of the songwriters worked with a band called Confederate Railroad. Country music is the coolest. I'm so proud to like this genre.

66) "Still Got Time," by ZAYN ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR

First of all, we need to take a minute to discuss the sheer disrespect for the concept of caps lock expressed by ZAYN and PARTYNEXTDOOR. This is a mumblecore pop song, and I must insist these dudes cease using all capital letters until they prove they're capable of expressing excitement. Other than that gripe, though, I dunno, I didn't have a bad time! I enjoyed it about as much as I did "Running Back" a few weeks ago, it didn't light this Tuesday evening on fire, but it was a chill groove, and I appreciated the B+ to which all involved contributed. Also, new favorite Wikipedia line: "Shane Lindstrom, professionally known as Murda Beatz." One, professionally known. Two, imagine ever asking someone to call you Murda. Gosh, what a stupid fucking stage name. (Stage name? Backstage name? Why do you need an alias bro you're a fucking producer, you don't get to have a fake name, the fuck makes you think you can have a fake name. Even Swizz Beatz rapped sometimes, what is your goddamned problem Murda Beatz.)

2017′s Top 20! I lowered “Run Up” again. I miss it dearly but I can’t pretend I liked it more than “Green Light.” 20) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (4.8) 19) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 16) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 15) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 14) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 13) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 12) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 11) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 10) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 9) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 8) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 7) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 4) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) how the fuck did “swalla” make it two weeks Also, I know there was a new Iggy Azalea song, and I’m just gonna say, if having to listen to 21 Drake songs was the price I paid to not have to hear 1 Iggy Azalea song, I will have been glad to have paid the toll. That is a reasonable trade, one I would never say no to. Boy I hope it doesn’t debut next week! Also: “iSpy” in the for-real top five! That’s so dope! I’m happy for that song!

Who won the week?

2007 had the stronger showing this week, and let’s be real, I think it’s out-paced 2017 at this point. 2007′s at the point where “Get It Shawty” is hanging on by a thread while “Grace Kelly” and “Outside Looking In” are outside looking in. 2017 needs to step its game up. We’re two weeks from “Umbrella.” Is that so much to ask, is for just one instant classic era-defining monster jam that shatters the world? Come on, 2017! 2007: 2 2017: 1