#might delete this later idk i want to know but also. vulnerability. hm

[polygonaesthetic]

Blog Post #45

Here’s one I wrote back in 2015 and never thought I would release onto my private blog but I feel like it’s worth publishing this out here as I feel this is ever so relevant towards shifting feelings I’m experiencing right now, as I become much more comfortable with expressing my sexuality and being a “gay woman” becoming an important, ingrained part of my own identity. 

Reading through this piece of writing again, I do cringe and it’s hard to not omit certain parts and try and censor myself, when I must come to terms with the fact that these are/were my own thoughts and were exactly how I felt. I suppose by posting this online, despite this being my private blog and my actual identity is unknown to anyone, I’m allowing myself to feel vulnerable and exposed.

As mentioned above, me posting this comes from recent shifting feelings about my sexuality which may lead to me adding onto this post sometime soon, but anyway, here it is: 

----------

GAY: PT. I ----------

So… gosh… awkward isn’t it. Not really used to writing down raw thoughts onto the web.

I’m probably not even going to post this at the rate I’m going now, but oh well here goes.

I need to get rid of something on my chest.

Are you ready?

Here goes. . . . . . . .

I think I’m kinda gay.

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------// SEXUAL BEGINNINGS -----------------

Here I am. 12 years old, casually sitting on the bus when I come across an article on Cosmopolitan. Let me hasten to add that I’ve never really read the Cosmopolitan out of interest before, apart from the odd fitness article (“How to get KILLER ABS in 5 DAYS!111!!”), which I end up skimming over anyway.

To put it bluntly, the article was about sex… and a writer’s incredibly damn raw expression of it. Like: “hands clutching against the bedsheets”, “o lawd I was ramming into her”, “she reached the Big O” kinda stuff. And I’m not gonna lie, I felt something reading that article. Sexual awakening, pretty much.

I’m not going to lie, I stumbled across porn way before I read this article… and yeah… I watched porn a few times.. and yeah… I masturbated, yet I didn’t really know what it meant. I knew it was bad but, I never really understood the whole sex thing. I guess the only reason I found it so... well good... is because it was so "forbidden". I mean the first time I found porn, I was around 9 (roughly 2008/9) and my mum caught me... the same day... because in my scared flurry, I kinda forgot how I could get rid of all of the evidence... so instead of deleting those pages from my history, guess what I did... Yeah, I just cleared my Google search history, hoping that would just magically delete all of the tons of porn I had just subjected my innocent 9 year old eyes to. Woo. Fun.

So, from then on, I just didn't watch porn at all. I was so scared by it that I just didn't touch it. Obviously, after the last fiasco, my mum drilled it into me that I was dirty because I stumbled across porn and basically, only future prostitutes watch porn. Well I guess the whole world are prostitutes then...

I kid. But, as I was saying, I started watching porn again since I was 11, but not very frequently. I found that if I squeezed my legs together while I was watching it, it kinda felt good after a while.

So here I am, 12 years old, on the bus, reading this article, when I'm just kinda reading this article and I'm like, "Oh gosh. This is actually evoking some strange emotions within me, like they feel good, but they're kinda weird. wtf.", so I kinda started exploring in my head. I flicked to an image in my head of the first boy I could think of, so I could kinda attach some sort of personality to this weird man thing I had conjured up in my head and well.. yeah, I won't delve too deep into what I fantasised with this person. Obviously, I knew that I'd never do that in real life and, as a matter of fact, I was questioning whether I was actually comfortable with doing it ever. Like, I wasn't sure I'd be comfortable to do this at all in my life. Which leads me onto the next chapter.

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------// ASEXY AND I KNOW IT -------------------

Next kinda chapter of this, is kinda after me finding out and exploring what sex kinda is, and my sexual feelings, and now after finding out that different sexualities are a thing and don't really discriminate (I'll come to this a little later in this series. Can I even call it a series? idk.). So now I'm kinda questioning my sexuality. This is just after I had a super huge dark spot in my life where I struggled with coming to terms with my Asperger's and it was a huge part of my life and I just tried to stick labels on myself and wow, such confusing stuff, but I'll try to stay on topic, so I'll come back to this in a different blog post.

So, it was on an Asperger's forum where I first heard about asexuality, and previous to that, sexuality was pretty much: you're either straight... or you're gay. So a pretty black and white view. The more I started to read about asexuality, the more it kinda resonated with me.

My thoughts were like, "Hold up. You've been having these feelings for a pretty long time, but wait... remember how you watch porn and you fantasize... obviously you can't be asexual. But wait, you know that you get freaked out about sex and you never truly have any sexual feelings towards anyone.". And let me just point out that at this point in my life, I was a very confused person and just wanted to fit /somewhere/. To fit some sort of label, which I obviously now realise wasn't a very smart move.

So I decided I was asexual. I felt like I finally found out who I was. And to this day, I'm still not sure if I am asexual or not, I probably won't /really/ find out until I try. That's probably the only way that'll work for me. I'm a very hands-on person. I've only just realised how ironic that was. But yeah, essentially, I find out what I like and don't like by doing, trying and just experimenting. But obviously, I would never want to upset anyone by going into a relationship as a means of finding myself out. I could never do such a thing to someone.

Ok. So now I was asexual. I still didn't want to /come out/ to my mum, but I did come out to a couple of my friends at school and they took it fairly well, but obviously still had some questions that even I couldn't really answer myself.

I felt good about myself though. I found something I felt comfortable with and surprisingly enough, a few weeks, maybe month after, it was gay pride. Now at this point, I was still largely in the dark about sexuality and didn't /fully/ understand the whole LGBT spectrum and still had some stereotypes about LGBT+ that were sadly drilled into my head by my vaguely homophobic mother and general upbringing, which I will talk about in the next chapter, as I come to explore other sexualities.

So, where was I? Gay pride. I had learned quite a bit about LGBT+ anyway from Tumblr and the such, but still quite in the dark. So to see gay pride and the gay pride parade, I was like, "Gosh, wow, look at these people accepting themselves and who they are, gosh, that's damn cool!". My mum was also quite *happy* during pride (yet still managed to mock gays after, by saying that they're not "quality" people, go figure). I had considered coming out by that point, but decided not do, due to the "repercussions" of my actions and how "permanent" that would be. (you might have picked up by this point, that I was not /that/ close with my mum and not that comfortable with expressing myself, which obviously is something I'll go into later in another blog post.).

Well, that was it. I was asexual. Still not open about it, but if people asked if I was, I'd explain it to them. That was me set for then, didn't really pay much attention to sexuality that much from them on. Well... until recently. But that's another chapter.

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------// HIKING BOOTS ARE GR8 --------------------

So, here I am now. A so called asexual. Haven't really considered the possibilities of me being gay at all, or liking the same sex at all. Well, not much. There were a few signs, but I kinda just shrugged them away... like I do with every other problem I have! (because that's totally healthy *winks*).

Let me just give you a small brief overview of my life so far. Grew up believing homosexuality was inherently wrong. Yadda yadda. Had friends who came out as gay, became more aware, mind was opened, joined Tumblr and generally became more open and totally accepting and tolerant of all people, no matter where they were on the LGBT+ spectrum. I mean, I was always naturally accepting of people, if they had quirks, I was just curious, because you know... I wasn't exactly your common girl during my childhood either. So I was accepting of all sexualities etc. and I was, well, asexual, but I had never questioned whether I was ever attracted to the same sex, really.

I kinda believed that I was just fluid for a while. I just accepted everyone. If I liked that person, I'd just give it a shot, being non-discriminatory amongst genders etc. Basically, the try, do, experiment, "hands-on" approach I described in the last chapter.

That probably made me pan- or something, I don't know. But let's just say that I was just generally accepting. But recently, I've just decided to question something that was secretly bugging me for a while.

dun dununu.

Do I freakin' like girls?

The answer is: yes I fucking might.

As you've probably gathered from the whole series by now, I had a fairly sexually repressed childhood. Everything I knew about sex was from porn, things I heard from other people and just generally sheer curiosity. That's all.

Whatever I could find about sex, I was like, "woah. sex. woahhhh.".

So, I've kinda been immersed into gay over the last months or so and weirdly enough, it was the pride parade! And it was awesome! And it was great to say the least.

And also, weirdly enough, I started watching Hannah Hart again... and also managed to come across her coming out videos. So I watched them. And I was like, "hm... fuk. i probably do like girls.".

And it doesn't help that I go to a girls' school. And a lot of the people I hang out with happen to be gay (gaydar on fleek *winks* ). As soon as I questioned my stance with people of the same sex, it just hit me like a firetruck.

I've been making sexual innuendos with girls from my school since god knows when. I check out girls damn it. Gosh, even at pride, the way Ilooked at this one woman, only God knows what unholy thoughts were going through my head at that time.

And heck, I even have massive crushes on some of my female teachers. (I'm slighty sure Miss Evans is gay, but even if she isn't, may Jesus praise her body. sweet Jesus almighty).

And Hannah Hart. Where do I even start. (also rhyming).

Not gonna lie, I'm just gonna come clean. Some girls at school just make me go, "hot damn".

But yeah, that's kinda where I'm at at the moment, but in the next chapter, I'll go on to explain my skepticism of whether this is just a phase and my skepticism of my skepticism of whether this is just.. a phase. Yeah. Fun. Woo.

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------// WHERE'S THE RECEIPT TO MY HIKING BOOTS? ---------------------------------------

I might be closer to accepting myself as gay/bisexual/pansexual yadda yadda. But, obviously, as any person would... I have doubts.

Doubts about whether I'm just going through a phase.

I mean, even one of my close(r) friends, after I painfully described what I was going though, asked me whether it could just be a "phase". And I was open about it, and I replied, "Maybe. I don't know. That's why I came for you for help, don't make this any more complicated that it is.".

So the reason I have doubts about being attracted to the same sex, is... well... I'll just be frank.

It's sex.

You see, I'm wondering whether it's because I've just been conditioned to believe that PiV sex is the only one which I would find enjoyable and "satisfying" and that sex with a woman won't be "right" and it'll be "unpure" and not the same. Maybe it's because I've just been conditioned to only be "sexy" for men and "sexy" with women is just downright weird and deserves to be looked down upon.

Go figure.

Maybe it's because the only porn I've been "brought up" (nah, that sounds weird) watching, is straight porn, and is now the only porn I can get off to. And looking at "bulges" feels normal... and I /should/ be aroused by looking at a damn outline of a man's sexual organ. And that only a man will make me feel "right" and you can't have kids with a woman you love, because they just won't be "yours". Whatever.

I guess that I wouldn't really know how to have sex with a woman, if I'm being completely honest. I don't really know and lesbian porn isn't exactly helpful in teaching me that and I haven't really found any resources online.

All I can say now is that, women are beautiful, and funny, and intelligent and hawt. And tbh, everyone, regardless of gender, race, colour, whatever, can be beautiful, funny, intelligent and hawt.

So yeah, that's me done for now, at the time of writing. I might release another chapter, if I feel the urge to do so. I mean writing this has been kinda cathartic and I've kinda managed to accept myself that one bit more.

peace.

    ."".    ."",     |  |   /  /     |  |  /  /     |  | /  /     |  |/  ;-._     }  ` _/  / ;     |  /` ) /  /     | /  /_/\_/\     |/  /      |     (  ' \ '-  |      \    `.  /       |      |       |      |

~felderman

:::::::::::: ::26/05/15:: ::::::::::::

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------//